Jocosities, July 1 - 20, 1910









JOCOSITIES
____

By JOE CONE

Rustic Paradise

Settin’ in a leaky boat,
With a pole an’ line an’ float,
Waitin’ fur a fish to bite
Is the chief uv my delight.
Waitin’ fur the bob to sink
In the blue reflected drink;
Waitin’ fur the pole to bend
With a fish upon the end.

Ain’t no place I ever see
Where thet I would ruther be
Than ol’ “Lizzard” days like this
Soakin’ in her summer bliss;
Settin’ in a leaky boat
With a cider jug afloat,
Holdin’ on a white birch pole
In the shade uv “Bullhead Hole”.

Airships an’ sech fillergree
Don’t hev any charms fur me;
Wouldn’t take an auto ride
‘Wuz I paid fur it beside;
Ez fur settin’ on the stoop
Talkin’ with some nincompoop
‘Bout the weather, no sir-ee,
“Lizzard Crick’s” the spot fur me!

“Lizzard Crick” an’ “Bullhead Hole,”
Rest there fur a weary soul;
Water smooth ez glass an’ fair,
With the sky reflected there.
Shadders deep along the shore –
Who could ask fur any more?
Furren places? No, sir-ee,
“Lizard Crick” will do fur me!
______

Uncle Ezra Says:


“The milk uv human kindness ain’t the kind thet gits spilled to any great extent.”




______

G. O. P. Note

The “Taft 1910 smile” doesn’t differ materially from the Taft 1908 smile except perhaps that is has broadened a little.
______

“The Easiest Way”

Clerk – I feel as though I ought to take a good long rest.
Employer – Then why don’t you stay on the job?
______

Cheerful Comment

Some class to those spreads!
Quoth he: “It was a famous victoree!”
If you don’t at first succeed, Zeppelin again.
Jeff wants hard cash to go along with the hard knocks.
Now the grads are at their homes to show pa and ma how to do things.
If you are not you cannot be a June bride this year.
According to the papers,
both fighters are in “fine condition,” but what will it be July 5?
Of course, in a way, ice cream money won’t go up in smoke, but it will go down in chills, however.
______

Something New

(Contributed.)

The chickens are afrighted,
     The cows are running wild;
A monstrous bird is sighted,
     It scares the farmer’s child.
The farm hands stop a-toiling,
     To gaze up in the sky;
Wives leave the dinners spoiling
     To watch the thing go by.
The help their work forsaking
     Rush out of mill and shop;
The girls their hearts a-quaking
     With fear lest it may drop.
From windows all are staring,
     Their necks they upward crane,
Amazed at human daring,
     And flight of aeroplane.
Dorchester.                     H. E. F.
______

Easy Essays


The bullfrog (Rana catesbiana), a habitant of the ponds and marshes. Ain’t that an awful name for a poor, little, harmless frog? But he can’t help it; the scientists have put it all over him, like they have over lots of things. The frog is a four-footed animal, although his two front feet are of little account except for helping to pull himself out on a log. His hind legs are longer and fatter, and are valuable to some people as food, but they are more valuable to the frog.
The bullfrog is found most everywhere where there is water and land and logs and lilypads. If there is anything a frog likes better than a lilypad it is a body of water where he can duck out of sight. He is a beautiful green in color, but when it comes to getting next to him he is not as green as he looks.
The bullfrog has one weakness; his preference for red, and it frequently gets him into trouble. If he sees anything red bobbing about his immediate vicinity he invariably wants to appropriate it unto himself, and thereby hangs a tail. Man has discovered the bullfrog’s taste for red, and putting a small piece of red flannel on a fish hook he dangles it under the frog’s nose and then it is all off for the frog. The man revels in a nice dish of frogs; legs for supper.
The bullfrog is a fine weather barometer. Before it storms he bellows out “Jug-o-rum!” And while it is storming he calls out “Jug-o-rum,” just the same,, and after the storm is over he always gives the same musical call, so you can always tell just what the weather is going to be.
The bullfrog is useful in many ways. While he is yet small he makes fine pickerel bait, and when he is full grown he makes good human bait. He catches bugs and flies, and then allows himself to be caught by a fisherman.
____________

July 1, 1910












JOCOSITIES
____

By JOE CONE

A Yankee Fourth of July

(Contributed.)

Sound the trumpet, beat the drums,
Lo! Independence this way comes!
A cavalier of plucky mein
Bound to be heard as well as seen,
Escorted by a troop of boys,
Intoxicated with mere noise.
Bang the cannon, shrill the fife,
For independence is our life;
And let the martial youth parade
In regimentals, battle-frayed,
That their grandshires ere seventy-nine
Trophied at York and Brandywine,
At Monmouth, Trenton, Bunker Hill,
Eutaw, Cowpens, Moulton’s Mill.
Bring out the flintlock and the sword
That the British honor sharply gored,
The powder hors and old Queen’s arms
That hurtled death at Concord farms,
And routed from our Lexington Green
The liveliest regulars ever seen.
Fetch out the whole divine array
And bid them flourish a new day;
Give patriotism room and breath
To split the ear with “Liberty or Death.”
Let the bold leader ‘mong his mates
Assume the sword of Greene or Gates,
And honor’s noblest youthful son
March raptly here as Washington.
While to keep loyalty in awe,
Let Arnold’s traitor-bludgeon draw
The hisses of the patriot crowd
And execrations long and loud.
Let gratitude the pageant show
To Lafayette and Rochambeau,
And their compatriots over sea
Exiling self to make man free.
Let the long rank of heroes file
‘Twixt grief and rapture, tear and smile,
Till the whole galaxy is shown,
Alike the famous and unknown;
The names to song and marble we entrust,
And glory’s undiscovered lust.
   Somerville. H. A. KENDALL.
______

Uncle Ezra Says:



“A firecracker in the street is wuth two in the hand.”




______

Vacation Note

A yachting cap and a pair of white trousers don’t make a sea captain, but they frequently make a match.
______

A Sane Fourth in Gungy

Hank Stubbs – I hear they are goin’ to hev fireworks over to Squire Patten’s.
Bige Miller – Yaas, I see two ice cream tubs an’ a kag goin’ over frum the station.
______

The Office Boy Says:

“Gee, I hope it’s a black ball for dat man Jackson!”
______

Cheerful Comment

The sphinx hath spoke.
July came in like a daisy.
Have you written Theodore yet?
It pays to advertise if the ad. is paid for.
It won’t hurt the smoker to cut the boxes of cigarettes down two.
What’s two little ball games compared with three big races, anyway?
Those Abernathy boys will be some when they reach the old stamping ground again.
Don’t smoke in bed, lest the whole shooting match goes up in smoke.
From now on you may figure that about nine out of every 10 “political reports” are false.
By the way do you remember that only a short time ago we were visited by Halley’s comet?
By not having a bridge high enough to make jumping worth while Boston is saved much of the cheap notoriety that New York enjoys.
______

A Rare Find

A pirate den without casks of gold has been found in Nova Scotia. Must’ve been a den of literary pirates. – Washington Post.
Or perhaps an editor’s abandoned summer home. By the way, how about the “M. T.’s”?
______

Time to Stop

“Perhaps I’d better not drink any more, I feel awfully queer.”
“What are your symptoms?”
“I feel just like a man who finds a $2 bill he didn’t know he had.”
__________

July 2, ‘10












JOCOSITIES
____

By JOE CONE

“Just Because”

I asked her why she loved me so,
     She answered, “Just because.”
I asked her how she knew, and lo!
     She answered, “Just because.”
I asked her why she asked me why
I loved her, so persistently;
And with her womanish reply
     She answered, “Just because.”

I asked her why she wept so oft,
     She answered, “Just because”;
Why she should chide me sweet and soft,
     She answered “Just because.”
I asked her why she missed me so
When far away, then bade me go
Without a passing sign of woe?
     She answered, “Just because.”

In desperation then I sought
     A key to “just because”;
Why she that answer always brought,
     That puzzling “just because.”
I asked her why she thus replied
To every tender question plied?
And then that little vixen cried:
     “It’s really just because!”
______

Uncle Ezra Says:


“Makin a poor mouth don’t add anything to the pocketbook or to the features.”




______

Pavement Philosophy

Nothing un-succeeds like excess.
Truth may hurt, but not so much as untruth.
A bold front is a good thing to put on if it’s becoming.
And sometimes the more stout you take the weaker you are.
What had become of the old fashioned phrase of “law and order”?
A cucumber on the vine is worth half a one in an aching stomach.
Some people go back to the farm, while others go back on the farm.
The matrimonial goldbrick is heavy; that is probably why so many drop it.
There is always a lot of bluff and bluster about a soda fountain that doesn’t really mean anything.
We can’t imagine the feelings of a horse when he sees an automobile piled up against the trunk of a tree.
They say women love soldiers and army camps from humane reasons. If that is so, why do they surround and capture every summer camp in times of peace?
______

Red, White and Blue

(Contributed.)

As white as snow, than skies more blue,
     Than blood more bloody red,
Our banner to all winds that blow
     Right gallantly is spread.

For Peace the white, for Faith the blue,
     For Right the bloody red;
Red, white and blue, with peace and faith
     And honor garlanded.

And white for Hope, for Trust the blue,
     With red for Victory;
For glory, Stars; for traitors, Stripes,
     On every land and sea.
     Somerville.       H. A. KENDALL.
______

Home to Roost

It is a common sight to see chickens come home to roost; not only chickens, but frequently old roosters; but it has remained for one William Stone of Inez, Ky., to see a different breed of animals attempting to perform the same duty. While out guarding his hen coop from night prowlers recently, he shot and killed a fox which was making a foul attempt at securing a fair young broiler. Upon examining the fox he discovered that it had a collar upon its neck, and upon the collar was evidence that it was a tame fox that he had possessed some thirty years before. A fox some thirty years of age is so age for a fox, but the paper says so, and that is quite sufficient.
The fox, however, got slightly mixed in his roosts, which was perhaps due to the dimness of old age. Had he come back to the door he left some thirty years before, openly and like a man, he would have been welcomed to the bosom of the family and would have been provided for the rest of his natural life; but no, he came like a thief in the night and, instead of going to his old roost, he went to the chicken roost and – well, he got what was coming to him.
______

Poetical Note

The Bellman says there is no money in poetry. Now, if this is true, and most poets say that it is, why doesn’t Bellman start a new era in poetry in its own columns, which might properly be headed, “The Era of Money in Poetry.”
____________

July 3, ‘10












JOCOSITIES
____

By JOE CONE

Down on the Farm

How fine to be upon the farm
     On lazy summer days like these,
And listen to the early birds
     That sing and caper on the trees.
How fine to hear the rooster crow
     And hail the purple break o’ day;
How fine to be a-dream and free,
     From city thoughts and cares away.

To idly watch the busy bee
     Go buzzing on from flower to flower;
To lie within the hammock’s folds
     And dream away the summer hour.
O, life upon the farm is fine,
     Away from puffs and paint and silk;
Out where they wear their own fair hair,
     Out with the butter, eggs and milk!

How fine to be upon the farm
     And watch the things unfold and grow;
To hear the “Bob White’s” morning call,
     And see the farmer rake and mow.
I know of nothing half so fine,
     Of naught wherein such pleasures lurk,
As ‘tis to smoke and dream and joke,
     And watch the other fellows work!
______

Uncle Ezra Says:


“You kin jedge a man purty well by which end uv the log he takes hold uv.”




______

Political Note

It is always a great surprise to us when an out and out suffragette gets married.
______

Cheerful Comment

This is Ice Cream day.
Also let the eagle scream a bit, too.
Bet a dollar we know where your mind is.
Wonder how many will linger in Reno for a spell?
Really no need of the doctors staying in town today.
Here’s hoping your predictions will come true, whatever they are.
Looks like taking off trains on the New York & New Haven when they are most needed,
Won’t it sound funny to hear some youngster say, “Didn’t know the ice cream can was loaded!”
Editor Bok of the Ladies’ Home Journal is not only a good editor, but a good admitter,
Doubtless there will be a large tramp movement east, now that vagrants are to be sentenced to work in the wheat fields.
Lots of people can afford the wash tub and the cake of ice, but where is the electric fan coming from, Mr. Secretary?
______

A Patriotic Appetite

The Fourth it comes but once a year,
     O, would it come each day,
With ice cream rockets going down
     And sherbets for display.

Who cares for pistols, crackers, bombs,
     And deaf’ning cannonade,
If we can have a quart of cream
     And “16” in the shade!
______

Taking Liberties

“There’s no time like the present,” said he, handing his sweetheart a beautiful watch on her birthday.
“Did you have to get it on tick?” she asked, sweetly.
______

What Sammy Was There For

(Contributed.)

A first-grade teacher in one of the big schools in New York city was greatly troubled by one of her small pupils. It was never necessary to see Sammy in order to know that he was present. Finally the teacher, in the kindest terms possible, wrote a note to Sammy’s mother, asking that Sammy be given a bath and some clean clothes. The following morning the little fellow, as grimy as ever, and clad as formerly, brought the following reply: “Teacher, Sammy is no rose; don’t smell him, just learn him.”                  F. R.                      Nashua, N. H.
______

Tommie Wants to Know

“I’d like to know which is the worst,”
     Said little Tommie Gay,
“To have a finger skinned or burned
     On Inderpendence day,
Or have a stummuck ache all night,
     An’ lie an’ roll an’ dream
From list’nin’ to some feller talk
     An’ eatin’ too much cream?”
____________

July 4, ‘10












JOCOSITIES
____

By JOE CONE

Don’t Rock the Boat

When you are out upon the creek,
Don’t be a risky summer freak,
     Don’t rock the boat.
Don’t stand and swash it to and fro
To scare your poor companions so;
Unless you want a time of woe
     Don’t rock the boat.

When you are out upon the bay,
And shore a league or two away,
     Don’t rock the boat.
Don’t rock the boat whate’er you do,
Or else the rocks may gather you;
Keep out of Davy Jones’ view,
     Don’t rock the boat.

Just why such souls will foolish be
Is one great hidden mystery –
     Don’t rock the boat.
But if you’re bound to rock, then take
A boat alone upon the lake
And rock and rock, for conscience’s sake,
     Then rock the boat!
______

Uncle Ezra Says:


“Waitin’ fur dead men’s shoes is a fast rate way to git on your uppers.”




______

Osculatory Note

We can’t believe that a Cincinnati woman ever said that she will not rest until kissing is abolished. It sounds more like the heavy talk of a Boston woman.
______

Hat Parachuting

Miss Nellie Gurney of South Dennis has instituted a new style of aeroplaning with parachute landing. A few days ago, while seated on a load of hay, a strenuous gust of wind came tearing across the fields and Nellie, who was wearing an immense hat, was caught in the maelstrom and carried away from the load. At first it looked as though something serious might happen when the coming-down stage was reached, but no; her large hat acted like a perfect working parachute and, though she was driven to the top of a barbed wire fence, the landing was so easy and graceful, due to the unusually large spread of hat, that Nellie landed right side up, with nothing more serious than a few scratches and a wildly beating heart.
Heretofore we have preached against the large hat, but now we are wavering. We believe here is an idea for women aviators and balloonesses. If a woman can land safely from a load of hay in a wind storm with a three-foot spread of hat, there is no reason why she couldn’t do it from a balloon or an aeroplane that had come to sudden grief. Also as an emergency fire escape might this idea be carried out. Anyway, it is safe to say that women with high ideas will use Miss Gurney’s experience as a lever in furthering the cause of the large hat, and we must say that the argument will have considerable breadth.
______

The Difference

It is a sin
To steal a pin,
So all the people say;
But steal a million,
Or merely a billion,
And the sin is washed away.
______

Town Note

Did any one ever see a city street stay put?
______

As Girls Talk

Ethel – Hasn’t Mable’s new teeth changed her a lot?
Maud – Yes, but I think her new hair changed her more than anything else.
______

The Real Losers

The “Fourth” has come and gone again,
     Devoid of harm and noise;
The surgeons haven’t any bills
     For sewing up the boys.
______

Consistent Mrs. Biggle

Della – Mrs. Biggle is passionately fond of cream, isn’t she?
Stella – O, my yes. She’s such a crank on cream she’s going to have her late husband cremated.
____________

July 5, ‘10












JOCOSITIES
____

By JOE CONE

Adoni, the Barber, Complains

“Dees Boston eesa slowa town,”
       Adoni said to me;
“Dey donta have da greata theengs
       New Yorka people see.
Dees folks dey gat no greata breedge,
       No ‘Statue Leebertee’;
Dey gatta no beeg Central Park,”
       Adoni said to me.

“Dees Boston folk dey gat no race
       Weeth aeroplana, w’y?
Een other place da airsheep feel
       Da greata beega sky.
I lik’ for see som’theeng tak’ place
       Like beega worlda fair;
Or som-theeng lik’ beega race
       Weeth airsheep in da air.

“No, notheeng but da sam’ ol’ gait,
       Lik’ feefty year ago;
Dees Boston eesa slowa town,
       Meester Jocos’; dat’s so.
Jost wait; we queeck heem up I theenk,
       We gat som’ day,” said he,
“A smart Eetalian for mayor!”
       Adoni said to me.
______

Uncle Ezra Says:


“Everybuddy secretly envies the pusson who kin let troubles roll off their shoulders like water off’n a duck’s back.”



______

Our City Boarders

(Near-Editorial, from the “Gungywamp Advocate.”)

The tremendous influx of our city boarders has begun to arrive. We noted three getting off the train yesterday, and two the day before. No doubt there will be as many, of not more, in the days that follow. It behooves us as a people, and as a paper, to welcome these tired toilers from the city, and make their stay as pleasant and as beneficial as possible. They are paying us a neat compliment when they select our town as a place to while away their summer hours instead of choosing Newport, Narragansett Pier and other places of more luxury and sociability/
WE should encourage such people to come to our borders. We should give them the best the house affords and so entertain them that they will want to come again and bring their friends with them. The “Advocate’s” job room is going to be at the disposal of our summer guests for all kinds of social cards, summer stationary, etc., at greatly reduced prices. We also invite them to inspect our plant, free gratis, and a guide will be furnished at the same price. We must disconnect our summer folks from the idea that we are trying to get something out of them.
We don’t wish to interfere with our good neighbors’ affairs, but we suggest that a part at least of their fresh eggs and cream and vegetables be kept at home for the use of their boarders. City folks can tell fresh eggs and such as far as they can see them, and are quick to appreciate the fact that they are getting the best the farm affords. A word to the wise is sufficient. We are going to do our share this summer toward making Gungy an ideal outing place, instead of a notorious doing place.
______

Nipped in the Bud

The minister (stopping to tea) – No, thank you, I must decline the cucumbers.
Little Tommie – Guess you’re afraid of the tummy ache, but you don’t need to be ‘cuz when I have it mamma always rubs        ” (! ! !)
______

When Laura Laughs

(Contributed.)

When Laura laughs the world grows bright,
This mundane sphere seems filled with light,
Dispelled are all the shades of night,
And gloomy goblins take their flight,
              When Laura laughs.

When Laura laughs what a lovely sight
of cherry lips and teeth of white;
Her silvery tones our ears delight,
We long to hug her – hold her tight,
              When Laura laughs.

When Laura laughs this little sprite
Our confidence seems to invite;
We feel the moment may be right
To learn our fate – but get a blight
              When Laura laughs.
                             H. E. FENTON.
     Dorchester.
______

Don’t Blame the Cow

Up goes the price of milk, by heck!
This world’s a great big crook;
The baby gets it in the neck –
     Some one should get the hook!
____________

July 6, ‘10












JOCOSITIES
____

By JOE CONE

The Farmer of 1910

“Say, Jerry, git out my autymobile;
     Lemme see, the big one, I reck’;
I wanter look over the farm today,
     An’ I’m goin’ to ride, by heck!
Time was when I tramped around the farm,
     Or drove an ol’ hoss, you know;
But now I kin wheel in my autymobile;
     Come, Jerry, don’t be so slow.

An’ Jerry, fill up fur a good long run,
     I’m goin’ to town, I be,
To buy thet cottage I seen last week,
     Thet big one down by the sea.
An’, Jerry, put in my evenin’ clothes,
     An’ my plug hat, don’t you know;
I’m goin’ to stay in town all night
     An’ take in the burlesque show.

An’, Jerry, I’m goin’ to take along
     A bundle uv good, long green;
Ef I find the right style, I’m thinkin’ som’at
     Uv buyin’ a flyin’ machine.
Now, Jerry, jest let her feel the speed,
     We kin dodge the law’s long arm”;
And away went Hiram Ezekiel Jones
     Of “Mountain and Valley Farm.”
______

Musings of the Office Boy

Love also makes the world back up.
One ice cream soda always leads up to another.
The feller who don’t sweat over his job ain’t workin’.
I didn’t lose anything on the fight except my repertation as a prophet.
It’s hot enough anyway, but it’s a good deal hotter when you let yourself think so.
Ain’t it funny how ev’rybody wants to be around durin’ the rush hour?
Seems to me the trouble with most people who want to make money is that they want to make too much at one time.
All through the winter I had aspirations to be a fireman, but this summer I think I’d like to be a watchman in a cold storage place.
______

Uncle Ezra Says:


“Don’t jedge a man by the conversation uv the feller who hez jest failed to borry a dollar off’n him.”



______

Beauty Note

Very few people can say they are really proud of their elbows.
______

The Shadow of a King

(Contributed.)

Our country’s flag is trailing in the dust;
     The spirit of the Nation, ebbing low;
The shield of Liberty begins to rust
     Before the vapors of a subtle foe.

Columbia’s brow no longer is serene.
     But furrowed by a multitude of fears;
Her body nerveless, and hands unclean,
     She sits, dejected, bathed in silent tears.

The sceptre which the people in their might
     Gave to her hands, to execute their will,
The crafty few have stolen in the night,
     The golden dreams of guardians to fulfill.

All overhead there hangs a sultry haze,
     Portentous of the swiftly gathering storm;
And now, before the anxious watcher’s gaze,
     A fearsome thing is slowly taking form.

Though still no larger than a human hand,
     Its face reflects the evil it will bring;
Destruction, death and slavery in the land;
     This glowering, brutal Shadow of a King.

The sickly ones within our commonwealth
     Who worship men, and even bend the knee,
And base dependents of unscrup’lous wealth,
     Rejoice that such a horrid thing may be.

By training, taught to ever love the rod,
     They humbly bow unto a strident voice;
Its vagaries become the word of God;
     Its very whims, their everlasting choice.

And privilage would grasp the mailed hand,
     To make its domination more secure;
To sternly silence every demand
     Made by the people and the suffering poor.

Awake, ye Men! Rekindle fires of old;
     Enshrine within your hearts Democracy;
Strike off the shackles, and again behold
     America, our country, strong and free.
          NORMAN D. LIPPINCOTT.
     Ashville, N. C.
____________

July 7, ‘10












JOCOSITIES
____

By JOE CONE

When Father Goes to Swim

 You ought to be around some time,
     Down by the ocean’s brim,
And see the corkin’ show we have
     When father goes to swim.
‘Cuz father wants a lot o’ room,
     And no one near to him;
He wants the ocean to himself
     When he goes out to swim.

Now father he’s a wondrous sight,
     He is so big and fat;
He doesn’t like the sun too well,
     And so he wears a hat.
And father’s bathin’ suit fits close;
     ‘Tain’t none too big for him;
You can imagine how he looks
     When he goes out to swim.

He fusses if the water’s cold,
     Or if the tide is high;
He’s scat to death of sharks and such,
     Or if a crab is nigh.
He paddles in up to his knees,
     And rubs his monstrous limb;
O, there is lots of sport on hand
     When father goes to swim!

Sometimes he slips and tumbles in,
     That’s when we laugh for good;
‘Cuz pa he spits and flounders round
     Just like a porpoise would.
We have to hide behind the boat,
     And keep our laughing dim;
‘Cuz we would ketch it if he knew
     We’re laughin’ so at him.

Well, pa, he fin’ly gets ashore,
A-swearin’ pretty sound,
Then tries to blame it onto ma
     ‘Cuz he a-most got drown’d.
And then he won’t go in no more
     For sev’ral days, not him;
O, but it’s fun for us, you bet,
     When father goes to swim!
______

Uncle Ezra Says:


“It might be dangerous to cry over spilled milk ef the inspector is likely to come around.”




______

Pugilistic and Financial Note

Jeffries said: “I cannot come back.” Wonder how many other Renoites are saying the same thing?
______

Hot Weather Philosophy

Taking things cool helps some.
Anyway, we had a nice cool winter.
Kicking is the hottest kind of work.
Get up in the morning in time to get cooled off.
People who get into a double sweat are to be pitied.
A fan is all right if you can get some one else to use it for you.
Lemonade is a healthful drink if you can’t find one that is more so.
That old question about the warm weather is the forerunner of a still hotter spell.
Most people are willing to loan their ice cream freezer because they guess there’ll be a little something coming back.
A shrewd Cambridge citizen says he never eats so much in summer because it is such a burden to carry it around.
The art of keeping cool isn’t so much in our surroundings or our strenuous endeavors to do so as it is in our gift of temperament.
The fat man is forever puffing and growling about the hot weather, but if he didn’t he’d be a whole lot fatter than he is now.
______

The Musical Wretch

“I’d rather sing than eat,” she said,
     In manner passing sweet;
And then he put his foot therein,
By saying with a heartless grin,
     “I’d rather hear you eat.”
______

Fellow-Feeling

Our sympathy goes out to a woman who has to paddle around with bundles in her hands trying to hold up her skirts. We know what it is; we walked five miles once with both buttons burst off the back of our trousers.
______

The Oyster Season

Now Teddy will, we must admit,
     Be showing most unusual reason
If he keeps dumb for two months more,
     Till oysters again are in season.

And when again the Oyster opes,
     One thing I’m sure we all have reasoned –
Whatever morsel does come forth
     Will, as before, be highly seasoned.
     Webster.                        S. G. R.
______

A Steady Diet

Beacon – Last month was the month of rose bugs, wasn’t it?
Hill – I believe so.
Beacon – What month do the humbugs get here?
Hill – They never leave.
______

A Stern Chase

Hank Stubbs – I hear Hen Billin’s hoss got scat by an autymobile an’ run away?
Bige Miller – No, the autymobile didn’t scare the hoss.
Hank Stubbs – How wuz it, then?
Bige Miller – The autymobile passed Hen with a bag uv oats strapped on the rear uv it, an’ the ol’ hoss tried to overtake it.
____________

July 8, ‘10











JOCOSITIES
____

By JOE CONE

The Flirting Muse

She is a most elusive bird,
     She comes and goes at will;
She does not make a breath of noise,
     Her step is very still.
Her visits are untimely, too,
     Perchance at break of day,
Or when the midnight hour has come
     And sleep should hold full sway.

She comes, aye, like a thief at night,
     To catch me unawares;
When notebook and one’s fountain pen
     Are down three flights of stairs.
But when one’s cocked and primed for work,
     All ready for the fray,
‘Tis then she will not favor us,
     ‘Tis then she keeps away.

*        *        *        *        *        *                                               
“O Muse, why play at hide and seek?
     Why tantalize us so?
Why don’t you come and stay awhile,
     And help our rhymes to flow?”
And then she gathers up her skirts,
     And does a little jig;
Then goes off into space and leaves
     Us once again to dig!
______

Uncle Ezra Says:


“It is easy enough to beat the band ef you use the right kind uv a stick.”




______

Tonsorial Note

Why is it that the man with a dozen scars on his head always wants his hair cut short?
______

Out of Bondage

“How happy and healthy Blinks is looking of late; has he had his pay raised?”
“O, he’s gone into business; you know for years he was on salary.”
______

Landed Him at Last

“I am travelling through the country for the express purpose of saving our good women folks,” said the agent, as he drove into the yard of one of our farmers. “I have here a soap that makes washing a pleasure.”
“You couldn’t make my wife see no pleasure in washin’ no matter what she used,” said the farmer.
“Then I have a cleaner here for pots, pans and kettles that reduces the work to a minimum.”
“She wouldn’t look at it,” said the farmer.
“Here is a tablet which, dropped into a churn of cream, will bring the butter in no time; something entirely new.”
“She doesn’t mind churnin’ a bit; likes to, she says.”
“Well, here is a chemical for killing weeds, A little of this sprinkled between the rows of your vegetables says ‘good-bye’ to hoeing. Reduces your labor more than half.”
“How much do you git a package?”
“Fifty cents, or 12 for $5.”
“Gimme a dozen,” said the farmer, fishing out his wife’s butter money.
______

“I Go a-Fishing”

(The Porpoise)

Let us take a little side trip down into the sea and see what we can see. O yes, here comes a porpoise! He is big, but not beautiful, and had nothing to recommend him, not even meanness. The name specialists have seen fit to call him “Porspisce” or, in Latin, “Porcus niscis,” but the average fisherman wouldn’t know what you meant if you called the porpoise the “Porcus niscis,” and would undoubtedly think you were calling him names and be likely to hand you one before you could explain yourself. So if you are talking porpoise to the average fisherman talk porpoise without any of the scientific attachments.
The porpoise travels in schools, but never seems to learn anything. He appears to be more or less stuck on himself, which is always a sign of unintellectuality, and will try to make a show of himself alongside a boatload of pretty girls, sometimes almost close enough to get lambasted with an oar or boathook. He used to be considered a delicacy, but that was before the days of the squab and before the hind legs of frogs got into the swim.
The porpoise isn’t of any particular nationality, being found along the coasts of France, Germany, Norway and Sweden, as well as that of the South Shore. Foreign nations find pleasure in calling him the sea-hog, from the fact that he has a layer of fat about his person and goes rooting along the bottom oftentimes in search of food. There are lots of fat people in the world who have to dig out a living, too, but that is no sign they are porpoises.
____________

July 9, ‘10












JOCOSITIES
____

By JOE CONE

Scowls and Smiles

A scowl will make
The sky grow gray,
And spoil the break
Of golden day.
‘Twill wound the breast,
     And dull love’s dart,
And cause unrest
     To fill the heart.
A scow will make
     Wild discords ring,
And sometimes break
     The silver string.

A smile will light
     The morning sky
And drive affright
     From heart and eye.
‘Twill bring the while,
     Midst joy and mirth,
An answering smile
     Back from the earth.
A smile will fetch
     Its own reward;
And show the stretch
     To love and God.

Smile if you can,
     Scowl not the day;
And be a man
For aye and aye.
Smile at the break
Of golden morn,
And joyous make
     The hours unborn.
These are but small
     Things on the way,
But O, they all
     Make glad the day!
______

Uncle Ezra Says:


“Don’t kick a man when he’s down, an’ ef you wait till he gits up you probberly won’t dast to.”



______

A Shrewd Novelist

“I wonder why Spinner’s stories always tell of the sea?”
“He told me once that he avoided having any dry places in his books.”
______

Johnnie’s Delay

Mrs. Wilkins – Do you think you ought to stand around here, Johnnie, when your mother is calling for you to come home?
Johnnie – Well, she told me to notice what you was goin’ to have for supper and I haven’t found out yet.
______

Pavement Philosophy

Talk little and say much.
A cold summer makes one hot.
Money talks as long as it has wind.
The bee stings only when it has cause.
If your face is your fortune take care of it.
In choosing between two evils give both the hook.
Put your best foot forward, but bring the other up to it.
If you can’t have your own way probably it isn’t a good one.
Love at first sight is a beautiful spectacle if it only stays put.
A man who isn’t worth his salt must be too fresh to be of any use.
It’s pretty rare to find a married woman who wants her life insured.
No one has ever yet been able to explain just why a widow is “charming.”
If you can play a quiet game of croquet with your neighbor you are certainly good friends.
It is a fine thread in life’s garment to hear a man, whose heart is breaking, say, “Cheer up.”
If you can detect the odor of onions in a young girl’s breath you may be sure that she’s either married or engaged.
A woman will wobble along on high heels, but you can’t shake her belief that they aren’t the best kind of a thing for her particular kind of a foot.
______

Evened Up

She – Is it true that Dick and Ethel are at odds?
He – No, I should say they are about even, he’s engaged to Maude Flyley and she’s engaged to Jack Hittupp.
______

Easy Essays

(The Sparrow)

The English never did anything worse to the Yankees, not even before that social function known as “The Boston Tea Party,” than to present some of their American cousins with a pair of English sparrows. History doesn’t record who was the giver or who the recipient, but suffice to say, were they known they would be blackballed from all good society and fed upon bread and water, with stewed sparrow, all the rest of their lives. English ideas have never spread much in this country, but the sparrow has spread like lava from Vesuvius.
The English sparrow is a little brown bird, with no mark of beauty upon him, who sputters and scolds from daylight till dark, making himself a nuisance to everybody, decorating buildings and public resting places faster than the painters and cleaners can offset his cussedness. And as a delicacy, very few cats have the courage or the stomach to take him seriously.
The dictionary says of the house sparrow of Europe, “It is noted for its familiarity, its attachment to its young, its voracity and its fecundity.” All this is true, only it isn’t half strong enough. It is as familiar as the house fly, and attaches itself to your property like a leech. It is as voracious as the hen hawk, driving away all sweet-throated singers, and as for its fecundity it has the Australian rabbit beaten to a frazzle. We refrain from saying anything more concerning the English sparrow lest we commit a grievous journalistic error.
______

The Lay of the Limbhorn Hen

(Contributed.)

Miss Semantha Allen Jones,
     A modest soul was she;
She lived within a modest house,
     All furnished modestly.

She got a modest income from
     A modest set of hens;
And raised a lot of little chicks
     And kept them in their pens.

She doted on her Plymouth Rocks,
     She had Rhode Island Reds;
And Cochin Chinas walked about,
     With queer things on their heads.

The modest Bantam was her pride,
     And, sure as you are born,
She told me in her modest way
     She loved the Brown Limbhorn.

I told about the Limbhorn hen
     To every one about;
But people were incredulous,
     And said they had a doubt.

And so they came from far and near,
     From early morn till late;
By twos and fours they came and stood
     Beside Miss Jones’ gate.

And there they stood and looked and looked,
     And then they looked again,
But never once did they set eyes
     Upon a Limbhorn hen.

Miss Semantha Allen Jones,
     A modest soul was she;
And that is why those Limbhorn hens
     Were very hard to see,
Waverly.                 WALT BRIAN.

____________

July 10, ‘10












JOCOSITIES
____

By JOE CONE

A Cup o’ Good Coffee

You may talk about your clarets, your ales and your wines,
  And your champagne the table adorning;
You may sing of your beer, but I tell you right here,
    Give me a cup o’ good coffee in the morning.

The fizz of the fountain I yearn not to hear,
  The sherbet or college I ever am scorning;
But the sound I prefer is the tea kettle’s purr,
  And a cup o’ good coffee in the morning.

O, sing of the nectars of far-away isles,
     Of dews on the grasses at dawning;
But I’d pass them all by without murmur or sigh,
  For a cup o’ good coffee in the morning.

You may talk of the thrill of the twenty-year-old,
     Of the color the wine cup adorning;
But I sing with a will of the genuine thrill
  Of a cup o’ good coffee in the morning!
______

Uncle Ezra Says:



“Them ez hez gits plenty uv chances to part with it.”




______

Forestry Note

Where you cut down one white birch tree many will grow in its place. Col. Roosevelt is said to have a fondness for the white birch tree.
______

Easy Essays

(The Hop-Toad)

The expression, “As proud as a toad under a harrow,” is probably as old as “It never rains but it pours,” but as a matter of fact, you may go a whole lifetime and never see a toad under a harrow. If there is one place more than another that the toad is under, it is under foot. The toad likes to be neighborly, and as a rule the harrow is a long way from the house. Besides, the open-work of the harrow doesn’t afford the toad much protection or shelter.
The toad is not good to eat, although it may be said that he is good to eat the bugs and flies the way he does. As a fly-catcher the toad is a great success, beating many of the patent contraptions at their own game. The worst thing about the toad is his name, the “Bufo vulgaris.” Isn’t that enough to make anything want to get under a harrow? The toad has long been supposed to be poisonous and a free distributer of warts to all who were foolish enough to handle him. This idea is erroneous, according to science; he is as harmless as the house kitten, and twice as valuable.
Some people will look with repulsion on a toad and then toady up to some one who is higher up in the world, or who has more of this world’s dirt. (Dirt is a strong word for dust). Don’t harm the toad, but encourage him all you can. But you can, of you want to, put your foot on the toadier. The world can get along very well without him, but it needs all the toads there is room for.
______

How She Won Out

“O, George,” she cried, in perplexed tones. “I’m afraid we must part!”
“Part? Why must we part, dear?” he echoed.
“On account of father,” she replied; “he fears we would be mismated. We are so very different, he says.”
“In what way are we different?” he asked, with a show of dignity.
“Well, father says I am of such a ready and willing disposition, while you seem so – so backward, so reluctant and hesitating; so – so loth to come to the – the point, don’t you know.”
“He does, does he?” blustered George, bracing up, and the very next afternoon she was showing her girl friends how stunning it looked on the third finger of her left hand.
____________

July 11, 1910











JOCOSITIES
____

By JOE CONE

New York’s Future

(Will New York never be finished? – Boston Herald.)

It never will; it never will;
     A thousand years from now,
When Boston’s done and bottled up,
     On New York’s radiant brow
The crown of building still will shine
     To make the town more fair,
And every day will add a gem
     To gleam in beauty there.
     W. J. Lampton in New York Tribune.

Eh, Lampton, what is that you say?
     You poor, misguided poet,
“When Boston’s done and bottled up?”
     Well, when she is, let’s know it.
‘Twon’t be, indeed, till Old New York’s
     A pretty place, and clever;
Till all her pols have sprouted wings
     And that, Bill, will be never!
______

Uncle Ezra Says:


“The feller who goes into pollertics fur the puppus ov makin’ ‘em clean don’t usually stay long ef he sticks to his original intention.”



______

Outing Note

O. vacation, what errors are committed in thy name!
______

Studying the Stars

if the country in general knew as much about astronomy as it does about the baseball stars the heavens would have very few secrets to call their own.
______

Pa Afraid to Be Jollied

The average father is proud of his small son, but just the same he doesn’t like to have him beat him two to one on a fishing trip, especially in the presence of friends and acquaintances.
______

Providential

“Has Skidder been to church since he bought his auto?”
“Yes, he went the first Sunday because it broke down just as he got opposite the church and he couldn’t very well do any different.”
______

A New Mixture

Hank Stubbs – Heerd Seth Stebbins broke his arm comin’ home from Langdon Satterday night.
Bige Miller – Yaas, so I hear. Waal, Seth can’t lay thet to Halley’s comet this time.
Hank Stubbs – Dunno ‘bout thet; they say thet’s the name uv one uv the new ones over to Langdon.
______

To Make the World Better

This world isn’t what it should be at all,
     A fact which nobody denies;
For the rich man wheels in automobiles
     And throws dust in the poor man’s eyes.

We would have it arranged on a different plan,
     We would have it more sane and calm;
What the rich man should do is to auto’bile through,
     And throw dust on the poor man’s palm.
______

Hard to See

Some years ago a civil war veteran who was employed in the shoe factory at Exeter, N. H., was asked why he was absent for a couple of days. The man immediately answered: “I strained my eyes, sir.”
The superintendent, who was the questioner, then asked the man how he happened to strain his eyes, whereupon he answered: “Looking for more pay, sir.”   Boston. H. V. L.
______

Bibolous Limericks

 (Contributed.)

HIS DEFINITION

He called for some “president whisky”
Said the bar-keep, “that order’s too risky;
     I don’t know what you think
     Is a potable drink   
“Why, strong enough to make me feel frisky.”

THE CONSUMER

He ordered imported champagne;
Asked his friends their glasses to dragne.
     When they brought him the card,
     He remarked: “This is hard,
The new tariff has stung me, that’s plagne.”


THE TRIMMER

A hard drinker said: “All the new year
From liquor I swear I’ll steer clear;
     Though left off too quick
     It might make me sick,
I’ll compromise and drink only beer.”
                        Dorchester.    H. E. F.

____________

To the Gaekwar of Baroda

(By W. J. Lampton, in the New York Times.)

Here’s to you, Prince of India,
     Man of the Western mind.
A hustler among dreamers.
     Man of the Yankee kind!
Here’s health and long life, and never
     A rest in your constant brush
With traditions, until your dreamers
     Wake up and fall in with the rush!

July 12, ‘10












JOCOSITIES
____

By JOE CONE

“Bring Home the Bacon”

(“I knew my honey boy would bring home the bacon.” Mrs. Johnson, Chicago, July 6, 1910.)

Gird up your loins, ye sons of earth,
     And buckle on your armour;
It matters not what be your lot,
     A soldier or a farmer.
Go out into the haunts of man,
     Be steady and unshaken;
Go forth to slay whate’er you may,
     And bring back home the bacon.

The bacon is the game, my sons,
     You are not out for pleasure;
Run up your flag, your pirate rag,
     And scoop in all the treasure.
Run out your guns and blaze away,
     And let the world be shaken;
Don’t hesitate to clean the plate,
     And bring back home the bacon.

This is a world of give and take –
     Take all you can, my honey;
Knock out the chap who’d stop to scrap,
     For bacon is but money.
What though you pummel him to pulp
     And leave him ill, forsaken,
Knock left and right to win the fight,
     And bring back home the bacon.
______

Uncle Ezra Says:


“When a young man hez left college an’ gone out to work I think he orter be willin’ to turn his hat brim up an’ his trouser laigs down.”



______

Weather Report

An exchange wants to know if there is any hotter place on a hot day than around a railroad station. Yes, there is one, but nobody has the slightest idea of ever trying to find it.
______

A Neighborly Correction

Hank Stubbs – Did you ever see sech hot weather?
Bige Miller – No, but I’ve felt wuss.
______

The Latest Sandford News

“Where is Sandford?”
“Sandford is on the yacht Kingdom.”
“Sandford went aboard the Kingdom today.”
“Sandford wanted; supposed to be aboard Kingdom.”
“Party on tug to overhaul the yacht Kingdom.”
“Sandford reported not on the Kingdom.”
“Skipper says Sandford not aboard.”
“Sandford not on the Kingdom.”
“Where is the Kingdom?”
“Where is Sandford?”
______

Cheerful Comment

Tip Knox stands pat.
A full-dress fire brigade in Beverly!
The east wind never fails us if we wait long enough.
Is the airship Tillinghast about to sail again or once more?
Will they ever tire of telling how it all happened in Reno?
The submarine Bonita came pretty near doing the real thing.
A Tennessee saloon has been made into a church. What a relief not to have it the other way round.
You might say that Capt. Rolls’ time had come, but the aviating world is glad that it didn’t come before he crossed and recrossed the English channel.
A Savannah (Ga.) man has just given the city $1500 as a conscience fund. Wouldn’t cities everywhere have money to burn, though, if this plan were generally carried out!
A Newcastle (Pa.) clergyman has conceived the idea of preaching his sermons in the dark. There is no doubt that this method would tend to get a lot of the young people out to evening service.
______

A Weed Officer

Brooklyn has come to the front with a brand new office, that of superintendent of weeds. It is the duty of one T. De Quincy Tully, when he sees a weed growing in the streets of Brooklyn, to pluck it out. And no doubt T. De Quincy Tully will have his hands full, for, as we remember Brooklyn a few years since, there was scarcely enough travel to keep the weeds down. The most remarkable thing about the office is that Philadelphia allowed Brooklyn to get ahead of her in this most useful appointment.
______

The Glad Earth

I watch at morn each shining spear
     Of sparkling, dazzling light,
Which heralds in the day so clear
     And puts the dark to flight.
The wakened birds in gladness sing,
     Dew glistens on the grass;
The flowers abroad sweet fragrance fling,
     As gentle breezes pass.

I watch at eve the sunset glow
     Adorn the distant west;
While home-bound birds are flying low
     To reach their leafy nest.
With flaming banners floating wide
     The day in glory dies,
While o’er the land on every side
     The twilight shadow lies.

Some charm with every passing hour
     Still greets the watchful eye,
Some beauty found in tree of flower
     In earth or sea or sky.
And some new charm each day finds birth
     For loving eyes to see,
If heaven is fairer than the earth,
     Ah, what must heaven be!
     Webster.                      S. G. R.
____________

July 13, ‘10











JOCOSITIES
____

By JOE CONE

Town and Country

Oh, wifey’s in the country now,
     Out where it’s cool and nice;
She sits upon the hotel porch,
     Cool as a cake of ice.
While I am in the city hot,
     With naught to comfort me;
Abandoned, sad, a slave to work,
     As lonely as can be.

To cheer me up I dine with Jones
     At the “Good Fellows’ Club”;
(I wonder if she ever thinks
     Of her poor, lonely hub?)
I lunch at “Café Jovial,”
     Where music cheers my soul;
And there to drown my grief some more,
     I float within a bowl.

And still I am so much depressed
     My spirits sunk so low,
I go down to the lighted square
     And seek a burlesque show.
I buy a middle, front row seat,
     (Nay, nay, my head’s not bare),
So I can better see and hear
     Of all that’s doing there.

The show is merry, light and free,
     I am not quite so blue;
The jokes they cause me to forget
     They are so very new.
But when the curtain goes at last
     I’m blue again, and so
I go down to a night café
     Where warmer spirits flow.

Oh, wifey’s in the country now,
     Where everything is green;
And I am in the dusty town –
     It is not fair, I ween.
Of course, she’d come a-flying back
     If she but knew my plight;
But I will try to bear my grief
     And leave her in delight.
______

Uncle Ezra Says:


“The way to look at a thing is frum your p’int uv view supposin’ thet you’re the other feller.”



______

Purely Personal

K. I. D., Brockton – Just because the government has confiscated 8,000,000 ice cream cones is no reason why we ought to come under the jurisdiction of the pure food laws. You can’t raise our ire this hot weather, or a dollar, either. You might become a joke writer in time, but if you are getting a good living there we’d advise you first of all to stick to your last.
______

Cheerful Comment

Our seven kinds of weather ain’t to be sneezed at.
Airshipping, in some respects, is pretty much in the air.
Everybody is glad that the hot wave at Campbellton, N. B., is over.
So after all, the missing link is to be supplied by the Grand Trunk; aha!
Can’t that Boit brothers hold up and ransom adventure near Vallombroso, Italy, be worked up into a comic opera for next season?
Anyway, Pittsburg is not in he dark as regards the influence of crime films, and has prohibited the showing of such in her moving picture houses.
Now doth the little busy bee buzz round the meadow lot, and for the summer folk, O gee! He makes it passing hot. He gathers honey all the day from open flowers and plants, but he would rather sting, they say, a pair of white duck pants!
______

A Gungywamp Precaution

Hank Stubbs – Ol’ man Mimes is diggin’ a subway frum his house to his sullar, they say.
Bige Miller – Yaas; he says airships are gittin’ so thick in the papers that he expects to see lots uv ‘em goin’ over soon an’ he’s gonter be all ready fur emerguncies.”
______

My Awful Crime

The dimly-lighted room was still
     That summer eve, – so still and weirdly warm
That ev’ry moment seemed to thrill
     With warnings wild of fast approaching storm.

I languished in the mellow gloom
     And waited there for one I knew was nigh;
I felt that presence in the room,
     And lo, behold it soon was closely by!

On, on I crept, – the room grew warmer, stiller, –
I raised my hand   .    .   and then –
     I killed a miller!
Mendon, Mass.     “JAC” LOWELL.
____________

July 14, 1910












JOCOSITIES
____

By JOE CONE

Hen Billins’s’ Great Problem

Hen Billin’s set in Stoke’s store,
As he had often set afore,
An’ whittled on a piece uv wood
As only Henry Billin’s could.
‘Cuz Henry, when he had a load
Upon his mind, we allus knowed;
We knowed he’d trouble an’ unrest
Becuz he whittled like persest.

The chips they dropped upon the floor
Around the stove in Stoke’s store;
But otherwise he never stirred,
An’ never said a single word.
“Waal, Hen,” says Cap’n Joe, says he,
“You’re purty quiet, seems to me;
What’s on your mind? You lost your tongue,
Or is your indergestion sprung?”

Hen Billin’s then he dropped the stick,
An’ shet his knife up with a click,
An’ with a movement, more than slow,
He turned an’ looked at Cap’n Joe.
An’ then a stillness settled o’er
The atmosphere uv Stoke’s store,
An’ each one listened right away,
To hear what Hen wuz goin’ to say.

An’ Hen he give a little grin,
An’ stroked the stubble on his chin,
An’ drawled, his voice exceedin’ low:
“Waal, I wuz wond’rin’, Cap’n Joe,
Jest what the differunce would be
Ef, t’weed-dum’ wuz ‘tweed-dee’,”
An’ ev’ry feller, ceptin’ Cap,
Laughed like his trouser band would snap!
______

Uncle Ezra Says:


“The boy an’ the onion bed ain’t apt to git on well together ef they are left alone.”




______

Sporting Note

They are still speaking and writing of it as the “big fight,” but why?
______

Cheerful Comment

Jay Gould wore a full beard, too.
Well, “Uncle Cy” can’t always be Young.
And Brandenburg is a failure at writing fiction.
“Home Again” is the favorite song of the Yankee-Canadian farmers.
Is it dangerous for an American wife to go abroad with her husband?
A ten-spot will take you over to New York to see the films, and back.
Perhaps Mayor White will get out of jail sooner if he strikes up poetry writing.
The next Roosevelt book may be titled, “Following in His Father’s Footsteps.
Planes may rise and planes may fall, but aviating will go on forever.
A contemporary comes out with the advice, “Don’t kiss the babies.” Of course, that means the little ones.
Soldier’s Field from Sept. 3rd to 13th, will be the scene of high flyers, instead of high rollers.
Doubtless somebody needs a blowing up for the responsibility of that Everett fireworks explosion.
“Doc” Osler has just celebrated his 71st birthday, and still shows no sign of throwing up the “sponge.”
______

Political Note

There may be a letter “B” on the pat blades of Penn., but what would you say to the letter “R” on the oyster shells around Oyster Bay.
______

Hot Weather Menu

BREAKFAST
                              Iced eyeopener.
Frozen grapefruit.
                                            Cold storage water.
Water-cooled cereal.
Refrigerator cream.
Chilled hen fruit.                                 Snow dressing.
Alaskaed salmon with North Pole oil.
              Iced coffee with cold lady fingers.
                             Icicle pantellas.
______

Ice Cream and Cupid

Ice cream may tend to cool the system, but as a cooler of love’s young dream it is an absolute failure. This was proven conclusively at Riverhead, L. I., a few nights since, when Robert W. Duvall of Oyster Bay, and a young lady of Riverhead went out to a neighborhood ice cream parlor and brought up at the Congregational parsonage and were married. The lack of ice cream is what oftentimes makes a breach in Cupid’s ranks and cools love’s ardor. A generous supply of ice cream is apt to put a girl in a happy frame of mind, and young Duvall, who is a lawyer, was awake to the fact and secretly took along a marriage license. At the psychological moment he proposed and was accepted, and the young couple instead of returning home to the girl’s parents, taking along a quart of cream for the perspiring old folks, started off on their honeymoon. Doubtless ice cream-inclined young couples around Riverhead will be watched by their anxious parents all through the sweltering season, and probably not a few will have a goodly supply at home when the young men call so there will be no excuse for going out.
____________

July 15, 1910














JOCOSITIES
____

By JOE CONE

O, for an Aeroplane!

I wish I had an aeroplane,
     With long and silken wings;
With steering wheel, and motor real,
     And little valves and springs.
Propeller whirling bright and fast,
     All ready for the fray;
An airship great, right up to date,
     I wish I had today.

The tank chuck full of gasoline,
     A blue and cloudless sky;
A crowd to cheer, and drain my fear,
     And watch me gayly fly.
O, would I had an aeroplane
     Such as I’ve mentioned here;
Ah! It would be, kind friends for me,
     My crowning time of year!

And would I sail the heavens blue,
     And cut a pigeon wing?
And duck and swerve, and rise and curve,
     And all that sort of thing?
Not on your life; I’d sell the craft
     To some enthusing jake,
Then I would drop my roller-top,
     And my vacation take!
______

Uncle Ezra Says:


“The feller who never takes chances never takes anything ‘ceptin’ what the world’s a mind to give him.”



______

Theatrical Note

Fine press agent work, “Mme. Polaire slugging champion John Arthur Jackson”!
______

Financial Note

If we had one of those new $10 counterfeit certificates how we would hate to give it up!
______

Cheerful Comment

Vesuvius won’t stay put.
Higher education at Harvard beginning Sept. 3.
Anyway, Philadelphia wasn’t slow to accept the pictures.
At last it seems some one has made a Hitt with Miss Elkins.
“Taft to quit Beverly”? Why, is there anything wrong with the links?
Fine, the milk officials are announced pure and un-adulterated.
The sparrows are lowering the cost of high living in Pittsburg.
Both sides appear to be a little filmy as to the moving picture outcome in Boston.
Wonder if the report is true that the natives around Soldier’s Field are beginning to dig cyclone cellars?
Durand, the heavy-weight pugilistic champion of the navy, was knocked out some time ago in one round by a negro named Scarborough, and now the circuit court of Hampton, Va., has called time by giving him one year.
______

Placing the Responsibility

Mrs. Rapp – Men are not what they used to be!
Mr. Rapp – No; the women have a deal more towards shaping affairs than they used to have.
______

Airing Troubles

There is an old adage, probably not from Webster’s spelling book, that says: “Go tell your troubles to the policeman.” If people would only follow that advice many of their troubles would undoubtedly diminish rather than multiply, but some folks have the happy faculty of telling their troubles to strangers, and when they do that, something is likely to happen. A Connecticut woman had an experience recently that ought to be a lesson to all married women, grass widows and otherwise, for several generations to come. It seems she was travelling on a large excursion steamer and accidently made the acquaintance of a sleek appearing young fellow who looked sympathetic and well bred. She was burdened with the thought that she and her husband were living apart, but that the good man was still contributing to her support, and quite carelessly told the young man the amount.
“You ought to receive more than that,” said the young man, and immediately he became a lawyer and told her he could fix the thing up for her. It only needed a little cash capital in advance, which she later drew from the bank and gave him, together with her wedding ring. After living in her good graces a few days the self-appointed lawyer bethought himself that a trip to New York would be good for his health. But the law works quickly in some places, and he was held up at the railroad station. Now he is in jail, while the confiding grass widow is thinking it over. Beware of the dark-eyed stranger, nor let him try to secure you an increase of allowance. After all, the policeman is a pretty safe fellow to buttonhole and pour out your tribulations upon.
____________

July 16, ‘10














JOCOSITIES
____

By JOE CONE

Hiram Cobb’s Hardship

“What makes you look so awful thin,
     So glum an’ pale an’ sore?”
Said Amos Green to Hiram Cobb,
     In Stokes’s grocery store.
“Land sakes, I’ve knowed you forty years,
     An’ I hev never seen
You look so peaked heretofore,”
     Said neighbor Green.

“I s’pose I hev changed jest a bit,”
     Said Hiram Cobb to Ame;
“But I just want you folks to know
     It ain’t myself to blame.
I’ve got the indergestion bad,
     Can’t eat, my stummuck sore,
Jest like to die,” says Hiram Cobb,
     In Stokes’s grocery store.

“You see my wife hez gone away,
     An’ daughter, Mary Jane
Who’s teacher in a cookin’ school,
     Hez come back home again.
Now Mary Jane’s all right, some ways,”
     Says Hiram, ruther grim,
“But theerizin’ on her pa
     Is purty hard fur him1”
______

Uncle Ezra Says:


“Ef your life seems all the way up the hill mebbie you’ve taken the wrong road.”




______

Pavement Philosophy

Go early and you’ll get in the rush.
Low cut gowns are not that way in price.
Some captains of industry are merely pirates.
How women who can’t wear high heels detest them!
Misfortune overtakes the speeders rather than the plodders.
Skeletons in most closets are too well kept – and aired.
The average farmer’s boy isn’t looking for any hay-day of youth.
A watched pot never boils; it doesn’t have to, the watcher does that.
There are other fish besides the biggest ones that get away, but you never hear of them.
Souvenir hunting and shop lifting are more closely related than first cousins.
Street cars are always too fast of too slow for some of the passengers.
Don’t have two strings to your bow, but have an extra one in your pocket.
The hobo has this much to his credit: He isn’t a wolf in sheep’s clothing.
It only takes two to make a quarrel, but they are bound to get a third party into it if it’s possible.
You have reasons for disliking some people, but for the life of you, you can’t see why they dislike you.
What a world of early risers this would be if they all thought they’d wake up to find themselves famous.
______

Appreciation Appreciated

Mrs. Feeder – Didn’t I give you something to eat yesterday?
Tramp – Yes, mum, you did, but to tell you the truth, mum, dat pie was so good I jes’ couldn’t resist de temptation of comin’ back an’ tellin’ you about it.
Mrs. Feeder – You poor man, you shall have another piece off from the same pie.
______

Must

(Contributed.)

I must be strong,
     I must be brave;
Busy, not idle,
     Hero, not slave.

I must be tender,
     I must be true;
Justice to render,
     Mercy to do.

I must be resolute,
     Fear to defy;
Passion to conquer,
     Folly to fly.

Ah! Self hath no power,
     Itself to renew;
I must be God’s child,
     So, friend, must you.
Somerville.           H. A. KENDALL.
______

Gungy News Item

Hank Stubbs – I hear they’s a new arrival over to Patterson’s.
Bige Miller – Summer boarder, or all the year round?
______

Vacation Time

(Contributed,)

How blest are they who drop all sordid care,
     And with old nature walk awhile abroad;
     Where tree and flower, blue sky and verdant sod,
Sweet echoes wake of childhood’s trustful prayer.
The wind that blows o’er yonder flowery field,
     The little bird that sings on swaying bough,
     The happy lad who whistles at his plough;
To wakened hearts all these some message yield.
God speaks through nature; in the hum of a bee,
     The brook’s cool song, wide stream’s majestic flow;
The sighing winds, the mighty restless sea.
     In many ways His glory He doth show
Who reads aright, from galling bondage free,
     With zeal renewed to wonted task shall go.
Webster.                 SAMUEL G. REA.
____________

July 17, ‘10














JOCOSITIES
____

By JOE CONE

The Summer Fisherman

At break of day he takes his pole,
And there is music in his soul.

A jug of “water” from the well
(At least that’s what we’ve heard him tell).

And then he takes his trusty boat
And soon he’s on the lake afloat.

He seeks the shady spots with care,
And hour by hour he fishes there.

The sun goes up and down again,
But not a nibble does he ken.

The jug is emptied, lunch all gone,
But he is never quite forlorn.

And when the shades of night have fell,
He paddles back to the hotel.

The boarders try to jolly him,
But he is game up to the brim.

“It’s not the fish I catch,” says he,
“It’s just the fun of going, see?”
______

Uncle Ezra Says:



“Ef a man is wuth doin' at all, he’d better be left undone.”




______

Chinese Note

The Americans have hard work in converting a few of the Chinese in China, but they say over there that the “Melican cigalettee is allee light.”
______

Cheerful Comment

Political activity in the Bryan camp.
Too many mayors may spoil Lawrence.
Clara Ward has had another attack of divorcitis.
It appears that women are still seeking the Kingdom.
Wonder if any of Oscar’s illness was due to a change of hats?
If that third term seed gets planted the blooming thing may grow.
The baseball star of today may be the Halley’s comet (doused) of tomorrow.
What would the paragraphers do if they really do make Pittsburg a spotless city?
You don’t have to, but you can take your hat off to the state flag if you want to.
The new counterfeit $2 bill might give us a little uneasiness, but we have no fears from the $10 one.
It is very evident that those people can’t have very much to do who are hanging round waiting for the leaning tower of Pisa to fall.
______

Training Note

“A little spanking, now and then,”
Is excellent for little men.
______

Sufficient

“They say that lightning never strikes twice in the same place.”
“Well, is there any reason why it should?”
______

Easy Essays

(The Cucumber.)

It will have to be conceded, of course, that the most popular brand of long green is the kind that comes in the pay envelope after a week’s hard work, but a close second is the long green that comes off the garden vine, known to patients, and the doctors who attend them, as the cucumber. The cucumber is responsible for all that has been said of written of it, good, bad or indifferent. The cucumber is a wonderful creation; it contains more joy and more suffering to the square inch than anything beyond the spread of the branches of a green apple tree.
Probably there is no vegetable from the garden that is looked forward to with more eagerness than the cucumber, and none that wears better as the summer season advances. Surely, there is no vegetable that will stay with one longer than the cucumber, or is more easily prepared. In fact, the paring is all there is to it. The cucumber is, of course, more or less seedy on the inside; but, unlike people, it is never seedy on the outside. It always looks cool and comfortable and is clothed in good taste. No one can deny that the cucumber isn’t tasty.
The cucumber is called “cuke” for short, because it saves much time when ordering, and amongst business men who have considerable cucumber talk on their hands. It is said the “cuke” will grow an inch a night, and two inches in the moonlight. At any rate, the cucumber needs lots of room because it travels fast. It will grow most anywhere, but much better in a garden than on brick pavement. The cucumber, when young, is very useful for pickles, and when old for throwing at your neighbor’s hens.
____________

July 18, 1910

















JOCOSITIES
____

By JOE CONE

“Aunt Delia’s” Pies

“O, pies may come and pies may go,
     Pies fancy, rich, and clever;
But I would eat those thick and sweet
     “Aunt Delia’s” pies forever!”
                    – White House Chantey.


You may sing of the pies of the “High Brow Hotel,”
     Which are fair as the cheeks of a maiden;
Of pies that are thick, and pies that are slick,
     With juices and fruits heavy laden.
You may sing of the pies that your mother once made,
     Of the crust and the exquisite juices;
But the pies that are best, that will stand every test,
     Are the pies that “Aunt Delia” produces.

I care not for travel in jungles afar,
     Though I may have a system of iron;
I don’t care to sport with the people at court,
     Nor be classed as a big social lion.
But I’d give a good deal for the simple life,
     For its pleasures as well as its uses;
And golf I’d forsake to be at the bake
     Of the pies that “Aunt Delia” produces!


“Sing a song of sixpence
    A pocket full of rye;
I’d rather have a helping
    Of Aunt Delia’s pie.”
     – White House Nursery Rhyme.
______

Uncle Ezra Says:



“Stick, an’ you’ll succeed – ef you ain’t too badly stuck.”




______

Aviation Note

Strange that the Catholic Universe, published in Ohio, should try to discourage men from trying to get higher up.
______

Followed by Silence

He – What do you consider the best age to marry?
She – The present age.
______

Two Dollar Advice

Doctor – You will have to go on a diet.
Patient – But, doctor, I’ve been dieting for six months already.
Doctor – Well, start in now on the things you haven’t been eating.
______

Cheerful Comment

A cold wave is almost as good as a Marcel.
But of what use would be a silent cannon, anyhow?
It behooves the clams along the coast to duck their heads.
There will be lots of fluttering when those big man birds gather at the stadium.
The government will fish a long time before it lands a better boat than the Salmon.
Rather funny that in Harry Lauder’s native land the gallery should try to “hoot mon.”
There are now and then soldiers of fortune, but Pittman appears to be one of misfortune.
Seven automobile accidents and seven drownings is pretty high toll to pay for one Sunday’s pleasures.
The boat rocker and the one who didn’t know it was loaded appear to be about neck and neck up to the present.
With three big railroad strikes in view and his financial tide at low ebb it looks pretty dubious for the belated summer vacationist.
______

Oyster Bay Note

White duck appears to be the colonel’s long suit.
______

The Flower Season

(Dear Jocosity – If the inclosed poem is consigned to the wastebasket I won’t find fault, and will be your favorite reader, as ever.                               J. B.)

My dear J      C     , I like you,
     Because you cheer me so;
Each morning before breakfast
     I’m curious to know
What spice will aid digestion,
     What sauce you have in store,
For those who, without question,
     Will read you o’er and o’er.
Dorchester.                                             J. B.
My Dear J. B. – He would be a hard proposition, indeed, who would through a bouquet in the waste basket; they are too scarce and high. Jocosity is glad you read him before breakfast every morning. If you can stand him on an empty stomach it only goes to show that he is giving you good goods. Many a man can do on a full stomach what he couldn’t do on an empty one. We are wondering if you take “Jocosities” in place of grapefruit. Of course, Jocosity wouldn’t want to be a means of hurting the fruit raising industry, but when you come forward and admit publicly that you read him every morning before breakfast it makes him throw out his chest a little further and imagine perhaps, he is becoming a little captain of industry, a little joke monopolist all by himself. Thank you, J. B., may indigestion or cramps never follow your morning appetizer.
                                  FATHER JOCOSITY.
______

Treating Drusilla

(Contributed.)

“It’s my treat,” he said to Drusilla;
“Oh, thanks, I’m most fond of vanilla!”
          Then plate after plate
          She sat there and ate –
He went broke before he could filla.
    Dorchester.                        H. E. F.
____________

July 19, ‘10




















JOCOSITIES
____

By JOE CONE

A City Poem, With Variations

The city streets are hot and dry,
The cost of living still is high.
But up and down the streets all day
The crowd goes on the same old way.
The same old bargain hunters rush
Up to the counters with a crush.
(Gee! How I wish that I could take
A two week’s rest down by the lake!)

The summer shows are running, too,
And lots of people still pursue.
The cafes are ablaze with lights
For people who have appetites.
The crowds are large, exceeding gay;
You’d hardly think some were away.
(All this is fine, but Oh, my soul,
That boat and Crick and fishing pole!)

The parks are fine, the fountains sweet,
The city concerts can’t be beat;
The people who remain in town,
Are jolly, and won’t be cast down.
Why not join in and make the time
Pass like a merry measured rhyme?
(I would, but that confounded Crick
Keeps butting in and makes me sick!)
______

Uncle Ezra Says:


“It ain’t so much what a man earns ez ‘tis what he gives his wife each week.”




______

Nautical Note

One of the worst drawbacks of the season is the fact that nobody has thought to invent a game of water golf.
______

Cheerful Comment

Money by the barrel at Zion City.
“After you, my dear Alphonse Vahey!”
The Zeppelin airship company has its ups as well as downs.
Isn’t our little mayor becoming quite New Yorkish, though?
With later subway service, a later Nantasket boat and all night half-hour cars – well, home was never like this!
By the way, if your trunk is coming via the Grand Trunk it might be belated.
We never thought it would be necessary for T. R. to talk through a tin horn.
The Poets’ International Union expects Emperor William to produce his license card.
Better look up the addresses of that half-dozen saloons if you contemplate going over to New York on the midnight.
______

Travel Note

It’s a pretty ordinary fugitive who isn’t seen in a dozen places at the same time.
______

The Publisher’s Idea

Publisher – What’s this?
Writer – It’s a dummy of my new novel that I’m going to take up with you when you can spare me the leisure.
Publisher – Never mind the manuscript; I think I’d prefer to publish the dummy.
______

Spare the Skunk

That the skunk has other uses than keeping country folk in o’ nights is the belief of Prof. Frank E. Wood of the Illinois Laboratory of Natural History. It would seem that Prof. Wood is an enthusiastic skunk – we mean skunk enthusiast, and asserts that the flesh of the much dreaded beast is white, tender and of a delicious flavor if the scent glands are removed. Yet, “if the scent glands are removed,” but one can’t remove the scent glands until the skunk is caught, and it is no amateur’s job to go out and catch a skunk as he would a pond perch or a quart of blackberries.
Prof. Wood goes on the say: “No animal is more unjustly persecuted than the skunk. It is the best friend the farmer has, destroying enormous quantities of grubs, beetles, grasshoppers, mice and moles.” The professor didn’t include a fellow’s suit of clothes, a girl’s Sunday-go-to-meeting dress, helpless chickens, and defenceless hen’s eggs. The professor forgot that.
We shall have to disagree with the Illinois champion of the skunk insofar as it being the best friend a farmer has, The farmer’s best friend is his wife, and next to her is his neighbor. Then comes the horse, cow and dog, and sandwiched in somewhere comes his pocketbook.  The professor has pictured only his good side, which is the outside, but the skunk has an inside which when it is turned outside would, we think, send the professor flying in four different directions at once.
The skunk may be good to eat, but we think he is better to let alone. We were brought up in skunk country, and have associated with him more or less. We have nothing against the skunk, and we don’t want him to have anything against us, thank you.
____________

July 20, 1910


































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