Jocosities, June 1 - 20, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Sweet Girl Grad

In rosy June

     It makes us glad

To write a rune

     To her, sweet “grad.”

Though we’re a vet,

     And past, we guess,

We can’t forget

     Her winsomeness.

How fair she looks

     Upon the stage;

Mistress of books

     And all the rage.

To classic land

     She holds the key;

She waves her wand –

     But her we see.

Ah, well, ‘tis well!

     The sweet girl “grad”

Fulfills her spell,

     And makes us glad.

She is so tall,

     She is so sweet,

The world and all

     Is at her feet.

Too bad it seems

     That by and by,

Her classic dreams

     Must droop and die.

That she must throw

     Aside her book,

And learn to sew,

     And sweep and cook!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“A little learnin’ may be a dangerous thing, but overstudy is a crime fur which somebuddy orter be punished.”

______

Auto Note

To chauffeurs: Walk your horses around the curves.

______

Cheerful Comment

Not too rare, June, please!

This is also the month of bugs.

Hope YOU are one of the church-goers.

Calling a man “sport” now is calling names.

The submarine is a good servant, but a bad master.

Lookout for your hair, girls, whether it’s yours or not.

Say, fellers, we ought to make T. W. Lawson show his poetic license.

And the public is the ficklest of them all!

It isn’t but a little while before a pony hair cut becomes an old horse.

A man who was in an automobile accident says it is more fatal to be hit with that Westerly whiskey.

If the cold weather is responsible for the scarcity of sea serpent stories – we wish the thermometer would go up to 125 in the ice box.

______

Voices of the Past

Dear Jocosity – I am inclosing you a clipping from the front page of the Chelsea Evening Record of May 26, 1910. Do you think the paper just got the news?                               B. H. F.

“TROOPS CLASHED IN CHELSEA CREEK!

Historic Conflict Took Place

135 Years Ago!”

My Dear B. H. F. – There is no doubt in our minds that this is a fresh piece of news, just dug up by the enterprising management of the Record. We don’t see why you should be surprised, or why you should thing the incident worthy of notice; nailing news 135 years old is an every day occurrence over in Chel.

______

Cheer Up

The season’s backward, cold and wet,

And people rail and fume and fret,

     And are too prone to flout it;

But if they’re sore and full of woe,

How do they think the mos-qui-to

     And house-fly feel about it?

______

Rocks

He thought he saw a chance to make

     A million buying stocks.

He bought them on a margin, and

     His toes stick through his socks.

               – Chicago Record-Herald.

But he finally made a hit

     Buying P. D. G. in blocks;

His string of banks went to the bad,

     And now he’s breaking rocks,

                        – Atlanta Georgian.

Folks called him wise the day he made

     A fortune out of stocks,

But he went broke the self-same way;

     Now everybody knocks.

                       – Detroit Free Press.

He bought a quarry bye the bye,

     And dealt it many knocks;

He’s whacked from morn till night,

          and still

     Hasn’t any rocks.

______

Vacation Note

“There will be more people than ever in the country this summer.” All right, we’ll stay in the city where everything is quiet.

______

Longings of the Office Boy

(Contributed.)

Gee! When I see her sittin’ there,

     So classy, slim an’ tall,

With them big puffs of yeller hair,

     You bet in love I fall.

And when she gives me but a glance,

     Sometimes a smile and bow,

My heart – how it begins to dance,

     I feel, I can’t tell how.

But what’s the use – her I admire

     As stenog’ they emply;

I’ve got to choke off my desire,

     I’m only office boy.

     Dorchester.             H. E. F.

____________

June 1, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

We’ve Got to Fish

This is the best time of the year

     For fish to bite;

An’ fellers they are waitin’ near

     For fish to bite,

They’ve left the office, shop an’ store,

Don’t care for bus’ness any more,

Jest waitin’ on or off the shore

     For fish to bite.

They is a feelin’ in our bones

     We’ve got to fish!

(This ain’t put in uncertain tones)

     We’ve got to fish!

The world may take us for a slob,

But even if we lose our job

We’ve got to jest git out an’ bob,

     We’ve got to fish!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“There wuz never much made hangin’ round, but still it’s preferable to hangin’ up an’ down.”

______

Weather Note

After all it is not all lost; somebody gets it. The summer hotel keeper may be disconsolate, but the kindling wood man looks satisfied.

______

Gungy Precaution

Hank Stubbs – I hear Ame Green’s got an arylane notice stuck up on his farm?

Bige Miller – Yaas; Ame says he ain’t goin’ to hev his hens scat out uv their layin’,

______

Advice to J.C.

O, you Joe Cone

     Believe my eyes!

You are too prone

     To poetize.

You’re off your beat,

     You’ve missed the plate,

About the sweet

     Girl graduate.

She reads her books,

     Wears furbelows,

And never cooks,

     And never sews.

She rules the moon

     And rules the sea;

And pretty soon

     Will you and me.

Cheer up Jocos’

     And dance and sing;

Just let her boss

     The whole durn thing.

Beat a retreat,

     Get off the plate,

And let the sweet

     Girl graduate!

Cambridge.                    “1913.”

______

One Sweet Girl Graduate

Mr. Jocosity: It is evident that your knowledge of girl graduates is very superficial. They are not all “sweet” by any means, but lots of them don’t spend their time eating chocolates and droning over the classics. My mother is a sweet girl graduate and is the fond parent of four beautiful and dutiful daughters.

Newton.                              “FRESHWOMAN.”

(Nothing to say. Jocosity.)

______

The Four Graces

My dear Jocosity: Four of we girls room together out here, and if you could drop in some evening and see us darning stockings and mending tears in our gym suits, and doing various other kinds of work you wouldn’t think college life all beer and skittles.

Wellesley.                           “FOUR-IN-ONE.”

Dear Four-in-one: If you will name the evening we shall be only too glad to call and verify your statement.

______

Another Sweet Girl “Grad”

(In answer to Jocosity’s “Sweet Girl Grad” in yesterday’s Herald.)

The sweet girl “grad” you pity so

     Because of work to come,

Will dodge the drudge’s fate, I’ll bet,

     And the housewife’s lot will shun.

For why should girls who graduate

     From an ivied college hall

Do aught but sing and just look sweet?

     Sure, don’t she know it all?

What need that she should sew or cook,

     These are suck irksome tasks?

Dear pa’s money precludes all that –

     “Betty has all she asks.”

Her clothes, her pets, her limousine,

     Her many jewels rare,

Are all provided at a nod,

     The sweet thing knows no care.

There’s a house in town or country

     Will open at her whim;

Life’s cup of joy for her is filled

     Well beyond the brim.

For serious purposes there’s the choice

     Of arts or scribbling, social agitation;

There’s naught the sweet girl graduate

     Doesn’t choose for avocation.

She can golf and she can play tennis,

     She can ride, drive or tramp alone;

She can study, shirk or make pretenses,

     Or establish a place of her own.

In men there’s never a lack of goods,

     They will seek her from afar,

This chic and breezy, strong and easy

     College-bred girl above par.

And so I think when you speak or write

     Of the “grad” and her frills-to-apron reversion,

You forget her lusty assertiveness,

     Pa’s money, and modern female coercion!

     Boston.              “OLD GRAD.”

______

Heavenly Note

Very little of the comet now remains, except the bluff it threw.

______

This Cruel Conventionality

“It’s no use, a feller can’t get down close to nature and live the simple life,” said John T. Bess, a bartender, who was trying to follow out his ideas on a Central Park bench in New York, the other day. John, clad only in a happy frame of mind and a week’s growth of whiskers, was sitting on the bench singing a song to Pan, and otherwise enjoying his departure from the conventionalities of over-dress, when Bicycle Policeman Helms came along and interrupted the strain.

The policeman asked John where his clothing was, and John informed him that people of his cult didn’t wear clothing, that he belonged to the new school of dressers. The policeman hadn’t heard of the school, and not finding it registered in his book, he took John along to the station in an ambulance. John remonstrated, and said he would weave him a costume out of the overhanging leaves, and would do a more complete job than his worthy ancestor did, but Officer Helms thought a horse blanket would be more fitting, and John, wrapped up in something more than his peculiar ideas, was carted off to the cooler.

____________

June 2, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

A Butterfly Farm

(“England has a butterfly farm.” – News item)

O, would I could dawdle the hours away,

     And save the strength of my arm

By tilling the soil, without any toil,

     Upon a butterfly farm.

No rocks to dig out and cart away,

     Nothing but rest and charm;

No acres to hoe, and no meadows to mow

     Upon a butterfly farm.

Gee Whizz! I wasted my energy,

     As well as my early years;

I crippled my bones with stumps and with stones,

     And chasing unruly steers.

I milked at dawn and I milked at dark,

     With a tired and horny palm;

When I should have rolled in a hammock of gold

     Upon a butterfly farm.

Of course, on the farm where I labored in vain

     The butter flew more or less,

But ‘twas labor to churn, and I never could turn

     Out a respectable mess.

Alas, and alack! Could I only turn back

     And give up my good right arm

To the raising of wings and beautiful things,

     Upon a butterfly farm!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“They’s allus a little fire where they’s smoke onless it’s in the direction uv the small boy behind the barn.”

______

Weather Note

It would be just as well to keep in mind that this is also the missing season.

______

Weather Note No. 2

It would be a good idea to seek shelter during a severe hail storm if one can be found. A calf was killed during a storm of this kind in Westchester, N. Y., one day this week.

______

Cheerful Comment

The June Bride boom is on.

Has anybody here seen the weather man?

The large hat evil is also a large evil.

The Cambridge financial pot continues to boil over.

Say, isn’t this the warmest winter you ever knew?

The straw hat appears to be wavering betwixt love and duty.

There will be another “big bill” following the trial.

Perhaps we will yet live to see “Russell claimant No. 23.”

If you are going to shank it to the big fight, Bo, you’d best be on your way.

And there was just as much kicking when Teddy wouldn’t talk, so what’s he to do?

Dr. J. H. Kellogg says that in 265 years we’ll all be insane. Gosh! Have we all got to live that long?

If you haven’t got your Panama it may be in the bonded warehouses on Manhattan Island.

A light snowfall in Pittsburg? Seems almost like a fairy tale, and a black one, at that.

______

It’s Likely

The pet dog yet is carried round in lovely woman’s arms,

The Teddy Bear still usurpates the ancient puppet’s charms;

But thank the Lord ther’e sings abroad we shall again extol

The advent of the baby, and the coming of the doll!

    Melrose.                     T. F.

______

The Old Life Resumed

Hank Stubbs – Things are feelin’ a little more natteral round home now.

Bige Miller – How so?

Hank Stubbs – My wife is beginnin’ to blame me for things once more instid uv Halley’s comet!

______

How Like Others!

Beacon – A night and day bank wouldn’t do anything for me.

Hill – Why so?

Beacon – I haven’t the time during the day, and when night comes I haven’t the money.

______

Revolutions in Gungy

Hank Stubbs – They say the new minister’s goin’ to turn the town upside down.

Bige Miller – Yaas, an’ ef histery repeats itself he’ll be in the bottom uv the heap.

______

To Sol, Great Sultan of the East

(Continued.)

Hail! Hyperdiaphanous and super-lustrous or of day!

In whose effulgent beams, with joy, lusorious insects play;

Before thy face the nebulous mists hasten to deliquesce,

And quickly from thy countenance all olumbrations press,

Fructiferous trees, basciferous shrubs owe thy vivific rays

Cornuted rams flocculent sheep, disporting, love thy sway;

The garish rooster ambulates with turgent, pompous mein,

And peacocks o’er the vernal sward display their caudal sheen.

When thou dost appropinquate towards this terraqueous sphere,

Thy coruscations vespertine gives adscititious cheer;

Thine evanescent nitency shines mid the viminal trees,

And breathes in richest splendor the broad veliferous seas.

   Cambridge.                  J. C. W.

____________

June 3, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

When It Rains in the Country

When it rains in the country what do the folks do?

Well, listen a moment and I will tell you;

‘Tis pleasant to think of the pleasure we get

When all of the world is all drizzle and wet,

When work can’t be done in the garden or field,

And fishing or hunting no pleasure will yield,

When kitchens are cosey, and parlors invite,

When the wind and the rain is at its full height.

When it rains in the country what do the folks do?

Ah! Could you but see us all snug from the dew!

No fretting, no worry because of the rain,

And O, it is restful, the beat on the pane!

No beaches, no shopping, no concerts, no shows,

No fussing, no worry about our fine clothes;

What do we do, really? You ask me again?

When it rains in the country we just let it rain.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“It’s allus easy enough to find out what the other feller’s thinkin’ uv ef you strike him in the right way.”

______

Journalistic Note

A mob broke into the office of the Black Hills Daily Register, published in Lead, S. D., a few days ago, and smashed the three presses and a linotype machine. To some this may sound like a disastrous affair, but the average newspaper wouldn’t mind a little thing of the kind. It was a mere incident in the daily routine of a newspaper, but if the same crowd had smashed the editor’s pipe there would have been something doing.

______

Cheerful Comment

Nerny Nat Goodwin!

Capt. Rolls has set ‘em rolling.

Great Scott – if he reaches the south pole.

Who is more “bossie” now, the cow, the contractor or the producer?

Yes, Uncle Nat Goodwin has the matrimonial habit, and has it good       or bad.

Most of the cities want a sane Fourth, but they want the kiddies to pay for it.

Reports from Washington say the cotton crop is above the average. Does this mean it is higher?

Of course, you understand it is a far greater adv. to be the “homeliest woman in the world” than the prettiest one.

Most likely it was some enthusiastic Boston tourist who threw that can of baked beans at the German crown prince!

______

Branded Humor

There are so many kinds of humor. A joke is like a cigar; one friend will come along and offer you a two-fer while another will hand you a quarter brand, which, if you have never smoked it before, will undoubtedly taste good to you. If a fellow offers you a stogie joke, and you don’t like it, it isn’t your brand. And there are just as many brands of humor as there are brands of cigars, or near-cigars. Some see humor in a man falling down a flight of steps, while others feel only its painful side.

The average American seeks humor in everything. He goes around hunting for humor with a chip on his shoulder. Many a tragedy has been the outgrowth of a joke. A little harmless chaff frequently, like the snowball, gathers proportion and momentum as it goes along. A collection of humorous minds is frequently a dangerous situation.

What is funny to one is rubbish to another. An old fellow we once knew had his particular brand of humor. When greeted with the familiar and most common of salutations, “Hello,” he would invariably reply: “Allus knew it was low.” That was his brand of humor, and it satisfied him. Another man finds humor in Shakespeare and won’t tolerate any other. One man will get a stitch in his side from laughing at a pair of vaudeville comedians of the “Biff & Bang” type, while another will leave the theatre with a look of lost hope on his face.

If humor could only be put up in packages and labelled it would be easier for the world to pick out its brand, but alas! it can’t.  One has to run his chances and frequently finds that he has wasted five minutes hunting for a joke and hasn’t found it. The jokesmiths are, of course, doing their best to hammer out your favorite brands, but most of the time they are guessing, and too frequently hammer cold iron. One thing is obvious, the man who calls for a new brand can hardly expect anything brand new.

______

Easy Money

One of the magazines states that it will, in future, pay 10 cents a word for verse.)

Ten cents a word

“tis most absurd

To think that I

Would let go by

A chance like this.

Oh joy, oh bliss!

I’ll make it strong,

And not too long.

Leave shilling jokes

For old slow pokes.

I’m on the job.

I hate to rob,

But then, you know,

I need the dough.

Your Ed. I hope,

Will take this dope

Now, let me see;

There’ll come to me

A “Can’t Use” slip.

Or else this tip:

“Enclosed we send

Eight-fifty, friend.”

Toronto, Can.       ROBERT TODD.

____________

June 4, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Answer

(“Which would you rather do, or go fishing?” Question Adam asked Cain when the latter was 14 years old.)

“Which would I ruther do or go

     Fishin’? You want to know?

Jest give me time to work it out,

     Becuz I figger slow.

A question deep an’ broad as this

     Can’t be done in a wink;

Jest set you down an’ wait awhile,

     An’ let me have a think.

Jest let me work the durn thing o’er,”

Said Amos Green, in Stokes’ store.

“Which would I ruther do or go

     Fishin’? Now, let me see;

Can’t figger it exactly same

     Ez one an’ two make three.

Which would I ruther do? Gol hang,

     Ef this one ain’t the wust!

I’ve got it! I would ruther shoot

     The one who asked it fust!

Jest lemme hev one pipeful more,”

Said Amos Green, in Stokes’ store.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“You kin mind your own bizniz also without neglectin’ the bizniz uv others.”

______

Plenty of Soldiers

“I don’t see how the war between the insurgents and the government can hold out much longer, on account of the scarcity of men on both sides,” said the man with the wondering habit.

“Nonsense,” said the man with four newspapers in his pocket, “that mar can be made to drag on indefinitely. Why, the government still has three officers in active service, while the insurgents have one officer and two privates.”

______

Pavement Philosophy

Look up, but be sure-footed.

Weather isn’t all on the outside.

Looking for trouble is always a success.

A bad egg is its own advertisement.

Don’t be jarred, and don’t be canned.

He who laughs best is he whose laugh lasts.

Blessed be the peacemaker if he doesn’t try to get the biggest one.

A woman doesn’t care if she doesn’t know her own mind if she knows yours.

It is better to wear out than to rust, but why be eager to do either?

Some beauty that is only skin deep is merely a thin application on top of the skin.

One horse may not try to help another very much, but he never tried to pull the other down.

You can’t very well turn your back on temptation when it is on both sides of you.

When you see a grass widow with a far-off look in her eyes it may be she is wondering how much it costs to get to Reno.

Some married men will tell you that it is a cinch to be hen-pecked as compared with being scratched by the same breed of fowl.

______

Not to Be Led

Clerk – You told me not long ago to lead a better life, sir.

Employer – I believe I did.

Clerk – I want to lead your daughter to the altar.

Employer – Impossible, young man! If you go to the altar with her you follow; I know her better than that.

______

Poets and Poetry

He who says there is nothing doing among the poets, that the age of poetry is a thing of the past, is fooling himself. But he isn’t fooling the people who are gazing through their literary telescopes at the poetical sky, noting all the changes and recording the appearances of Parnassian comets, planets and plain, every-day stars. Nothing doing among the poets? Hasn’t one of the minor English poets, who doesn’t belong to the union, just beaten out the regular union poet on a poem to the late King Edward? Hasn’t a mushroom poet, one John Carter by name, just written himself out of jail, producing on bread and water some of the best poetry since the days of – of – well, the Lord knows who?

Nothing doing among the poets? Didn’t Pericles Ianopoulos, the Greek poet, recently ride his horse into the foaming sea and there put a bullet into his heart? Isn’t that getting back again into the days of poetry and spectacularism? Of course, not all the poets are going to do what Pericles did, but from now on you will notice, if you look closely enough, that there will be something doing among the poets.

______

Memorial Day at Plymouth

(Contributed.)

Methinks I see New England, as one man,

     Stand up to swear anew the Father’s oath

     Of faith to freedom and religion both,

As only free and faithful spirits can.

Over them bends the inviolable span,

     Under them rocks the gree, applauding earth

     As, on a million dancing feet of mirth,

Old ocean dandles the young Puritan.

Our fathers heard the eternal voice of yore

     When, than live dumb slaves and knaves at home,

The sea received them, till this rugged shore

     Sent prayerful echoes up to heaven’s dome.

Lo! Now their strenuous sons, returning, stand

Where stood their sires, commending God their land.

     Somerville.       H. A. KENDALL.

____________

June 5, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Sea of Faces

The sea of faces is broad and deep,

     And mysteries lie below;

It is broad and deep, with a mighty sweep,

     And powerful ebb and flow.

The sea of faces is calm and safe

     When the winds of fate are still.

But it’s rough and wild and un-reconciled

     When the mariner means ill.

The sea of faces is fine to see

     When the sun of joy shines down;

Then the waves they dance like a maiden’s glance,

     And a calm pervades the town.

But the sea of faces, when wrought to wrath,

     Is a thing of the blackest form;

And the wrath of God was never so broad

     As the sea of faces in storm.

The sea of faces, a wondrous sight!

     Swaying and smiling the day;

With its ebb and flow, and the ships that go

     Seaward, and far away!

God keep the sea of faces subdued,

     Forever placid and mild,

For there’s danger deep in the foamy sweep

     When the sea of faces runs wild!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Sometimes the choice between two evils is a wuss one still.”

______

Breach of Promise Note

As a rule, writers write too much, anyway, whether it’s love letters or something more solid.

______

Musings of the Office Boy

Han’some is as han’some puts it on.

All work and no ball game makes Jack a dull week.

Figgers don’t lie, unless dey happen to be connected wid typewriter.

A little circus now and den is good fer boys as well as men.

De boss says he ain’t got a minute fer people who wanter take up an hour.

It ain’t necessary to know how to wink in order to have de eyes get deyr work in.

______

Nothing for Something

It cost the government $1 to get back two cents when a conscience-stricken Buffalo man forwarded that amount to pay for a cancelled stamp he had used unlawfully some time previous. That might seem a good deal to some people, but not to a man who has tried to recover a few dollars by process of law.

______

Savages

A Philadelphia millionaire is on a quest for a primative Indian. If he wants something wild and murderous, why need he go to the Far West, with plenty of joy riders close at hand? – Baltimore American.

He’ll find a choice lot in the subway in rush hours. – New York Herald.

Or at any country league ball game.

______

Cheerful Comment

Good luck to George A. Hibbard!

June will yet be good to her brides.

These are strenuous days for T. R., Jr.

Nothing remains of the circus but the peanut shells.

If Nat marries again, we hope he’ll marry a homely girl, just for a change.

But there will be strike-breakers in grand opera just as in other things.

The Somerville bath house bill was soaked, but Revere will be available all summer.

Search your attics and your cellars; you may be harboring a Strad’ or a Rembrandt.

______

What Well Known People Are Doing

Mr. William Howard Taft is at present presiding the United Statex.

Mr. James Jollier Jeffries is fishing and camping near San Francisco, Calif.

Mr. Henry Thaw is spending the summer at a snug retreat in New York state.

The Hon. Theodore Roosevelt, formerly of this country, is taking the rest cure in many of the European principalities.

The Hon’ William J. Bryan is going to Scotland to study politics, and incidentally to see if there are any Presidential vacancies abroad.

King George V. of England is trying to accustom himself to his new job.

Prof. Harry Thurston Peck, the noted litterateur, contemplates writing a series of articles entitled “I Didn’t Write Them.”

Mr. Nat C, Goodwin, the actor, has closed his summer season and will spend considerable time in looking round.

Mrs. Carrie Nation contemplates buying a hen farm for the purpose of raising little hatchets.

______

The Bridal Month

(Contributed.)

Now comes the days when Hymen’s torch

     With greater brightness flares;

And some poor lives its flame will scorch,

     And some ‘twill load with cares.

But other lives will find its light

     A beacon in the skies,

Which leads them on, by day or night,

     Through earthly paradise.

     Webster.                        S. G. R.

______

Three Classics

A few days ago “Old Frances,” the schoolmaster who figures in the “Real Diary of a Real Boy,” asked a pupil of the Exeter grammar school to name the books he was reading at home evenings. The boy immediately stood at attention and said: “I am reading ‘Robinson Crusoe,’ ‘Uncle Tom’s Cabin’ and some of Mr. Nick Carter’s works.”                                                H. V. L.

Boston.

____________

June 6, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Jugglers

There’s the fellow who juggles with sharp-edged knives,

     With canes and the live cigar;

The fellow who throws on top of his nose

     A table or touring car.

The fellow who juggles a dozen balls,

     And does it with wondrous skill;

And the chap who brings spotless doves and things

     From the folds of a dollar bill.

O, they are marvels, and wield their spells

     Each night in the vaudeville show;

But they’re plain as day, as somewhat passé

     To some other jugglers we know.

There’s the fellow we read of now and then,

     And at whom we look askance,

Who lives like a lord, at home and abroad,

     Who juggles with high finance.

He juggles the accounts to suit himself,

     And puzzles the older brains;

He weaves right well a mystical spell

     Till little or nothing remains.

If you want to juggle, use canes and balls,

     Use bowies and potted plants;

But take it from us, don’t get in a muss

     By juggling with high finance!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“To find out someone’s past is sometimes past findin’ out.”

______

Cheerful Comment

But Halley’s comet didn’t take its weather!

Making counterfeit money in a Mo. jail is the latest.

New York has started off with the first “Fourth” accident.

Princeton and Dartmouth say comet years are not so bad after all.

The poor stork is up against the higher cost of living in Warwick, R. I.

They say “Jeff” is in fine shape; well, that is what Mr. Johnson is after.

The world of short story readers will miss “O. Henry.” There seems to be two ways of writing one’s self out.

No one should worry about that Waterbury (Ct.) couple who are reported to be lost on their honeymoon. Lovers’ lanes are many and dark.

______

Where the Cooling Waters Flow

People who have been worrying over the future, as concerned with the torrid regions below, see a ray of hope in the announcement that a new geyser has been discovered in Montana that spouts ice water. If this is true, and Montanaites have the reputation of being veracious, it proves that there is at least one spot down in his satanic majesty’s stamping ground that is cool, and now it behooves people who are uncertain as to the inevitable camping spot to be looking into the matter of getting front seat checks at the foot of the fountain.

______

Be Candid

(Not unlike T. R.)

Whatsoever the occasion,

          Speak your mind;

Do not practise weak evasion,

          Speak your mind.

Always make it your intention;

Never have an apprehension

You may override convention –

          Speak your mind.

In plain words that are emphatic,

          Speak your mind.

Do not be too diplomatic,

          Speak your mind.

If in others you’ve detected

Errors that were unsuspected,

Tell ‘em how to be corrected –

          Speak your mind.

Dorchester.                     H. E. F.

______

Easy Essays

(The Ostrich.)

The ostrich is not a bird of the air, though his head, when elevated, is well up in that region. He walks on two legs, when he is not running or sitting down, and is much longer one end than the other. He is different from the peacock – the peacock is longer going, while the ostrich is longer coming.

The ostrich’s real name is “avis struthio,” but he isn’t working at it only when being discussed by scientists or birdologists. With the masses he is known simply as the ostrich, or the rubber-neck bird. The ostrich is a great favorite with the ladies, but is hated by the men who have anything to do with paying for his products. “Fine feathers make fine birds,” but the ostrich isn’t a fine bird till he has lost his feathers and they are on some woman’s hat.

The ostrich is not strong in America, but there have been several farms planted for the purpose of raising him, and it is said success follows in his footsteps, but success has to be very fleet of foot to overtake him, for the ostrich, though not graceful, is something of a Marathinist. The chief objection to the ostrich as a pet is that he has a habit of looking into the second-story windows and picking things off the dressers.

When the ostrich is frightened or ashamed of himself, he hides his head in the sand, thinking he is all covered up. Lots of people don’t do any better job than the ostrich.

____________

June 7, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Fishin’s Good on “Lizzard Crick”

The town hez got no charms fur us,

     We hate the dingy walls uv brick;

Don’t care fur city frills nur fuss,

     The fishin’s good on “Lizzard Crick.”

Can’t keep us round these diggin’s now,

     The heat an’ noise jest makes us sick;

Can’t stand the city anyhow,

     Sence fishin’s good on “Lizzard Crick.”

Ame Green he writ us ‘tother day

     The water’d mellered up a bit,

An’ thet the fish wuz feelin’ gay,

     An’ bit jest like they hed a fit.

He said the bullheads, perch an’ eels

     An’ pickerel wuz thick;

That ev’ry day he’d ketched a mess

     When he went out upon the Crick.

We kinder thought we’d settled down

     An’ hed a stiddy job at last;

Thet we would spend our days in town,

     An’ try an’ not to live too fast.

But gee! It’s off to Gungy now,

     The slow ol’ road can’t go too quick;

They’s nuthin’ else in life, I vow,

     When fishin’s good on “Lizzard Crick”!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“It frequently happens thet the rare bird gits well done sooner or later.”

______

Domestic Note

Don’t imagine for a moment that your wife is always a lamb just because you can pull the wool over her eyes.

______

A Gungy Report

Hank Stubbs – They say thet Abe Crockett’s boy hez sent fur one uv them motor cycles.

Bige Miller – I ain’t surprised; thet boy allus did like to straddle b’ilers an’ fireworks.

______

Financial Note

Mayor Howard, the youthful chief executive of Salem, said he would donate his entire salary to playgrounds. During the seven months he has been in office he hasn’t been able to keep his word, but that isn’t his fault.

______

Cheerful Comment

The “divine” and youthful Sarah is actually coming.

Somerville will need a lot of “keep back” policemen.

Who is that Foundrymen’s Association going to educate, the captains of industry?

Those Wesleyan students of Middletown, Ct., act more like ministers’ sons.

Col. John Jacob Astor, not finding the horse a safe mode of travel, has purchased an aeroplane.

A rural mail carrier of Hopkinsville, Ky., hung himself because his “feet hurt.” This is one ahead of the cold feet suicide.

______

The Joke Junket

The Torontonians are placing large orders for mirth absorbers, and various other contrivances for warding off jokes, in preparation for the coming of the American Press Humorists, who convene in that city the first week in August. Grand and Most Noble Secy. Cy Warman, humorist at large, who is one of the Grand Trunk headlights, has prepared a dazzling program for the entertainment of his guests, and the jokesmiths around the country will strike aimless and lackadaisical blows from now on until the big convention is over.

______

Theatrical Note

When an actor marries his leading lady does he remain the same, or does he become merely the leading man?

______

Henry’s Hennery

Out in one of the invigorating suburban districts lives our friend Henry. For 12 years Henry has been satisfied to spend, outside of his regular business, his spare time in plain farming. He has been content with his six hills of corn, his two hills of tomatoes and a row of peas, backed with a row of string beans. Stretching his garden to the utmost, and by using a clothes reel instead of four posts, he sometimes manages to have a hill of cucumbers or summer squash, as the fancy seizes him. But this year Henry has had a touch of the chicken fever. Chicken fever in a healthy youngster isn’t considered of much importance, but when it attacks an adult it carries a kind of fatality with it. Henry was hit hard, and at once sacrificed four hills of corn and built a very modest but artistic henhouse. In style of architecture it follows his beautiful dwelling house, and Henry assures us that he is going to install all the latest henhouse improvements.

Both he and his wife wish to give it an appropriate name. Once he decided to call it “The Hennery,” but that was too commonplace, and he later spoke of it as the “Hen Dormitory,” but that being too long and smacking too much of college life, he has about decided to name it “The Henrietta,” and inasmuch as his wife’s name is Etta, and his own being Henry, we assured him his choice was wise and fitting. “The Henrietta” will accommodate at least six hens, and a papa hen, without undo crowding, and Henry is casting about for a choice breed, and when he finds one good and beautiful enough to go with his luxurious quarters he will purchase and start in business.

“The Henrietta” has a cement floor, over which will be placed a not much worn Brussels carpet. Plate glass windows face the east and south, and perfect ventilation is one of the strong features. As Henry has no room for a hen-run, he is going to let the hens run during certain hours, and he has a large armchair under a tree close by where he will sit and smoke and tell them where they may or may not go. Henry is figuring that he can teach his hens to scratch in the garden where the garden needs scratching, and not elsewhere, and thus save much hoeing. If Henry can teach his hens what they ought and ought not to do he will be the most wonderful man, and they will be the most wonderful hens in the wide world. But Henry will know more about hens after he has run his hennery a season or two.

____________

June 8, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Summer Queen

The Easter maid is too demure, we do not care for her,

And we can always pass her by without the least demur;

She may be pretty as a pink, and dressed up fit to slay,

But with a maid so dignified we cannot stop to play.

The autumn girl is tinged with frost, she gives us quite a chill;

We never could make up to her, and shades! We never will.

She minds us of the barren fields, and melancholy days,

And so upon the autumn girl we write no roundelays.

The winter girl? O, not for us; she cannot have our goat;

We want no sweetheart loaded down with furs and pony coat.’

She’s too severely bundled up, suggesting ice and snow,

And though she is a picture fair, we’ll have to let her go.

The summer maid? Ah! She’s the one, our hat is off to stay;

She is the only cometess that shines for us today.

She is the yachting, bathing sylph, the only girl in reach,

The only pebble on the shore, and breaker on the beach!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“When some folks think they are in love it is merely a case uv good dergestion.”

______

Garden Notes

The hoe is for indigestion.

The early bird also gets the fruit.

Calling a spade a spade doesn’t give it the roper exercise.

The neat housewife prefers to have the soil left in the garden.

Try to keep the hayseed out of your strawberries.

Learn to be a grafter, but not the kind you are thinking of.

Weeds like to be let alone, and too frequently they get their wish.

A stony garden is a handy thing if you are bothered much with neighbors’ hens.

Lots of amateur gardeners can make two weeds grow where only one grew before.

If your next door neighbor’s chickens scratch up your garden, invite him over to a nice chicken dinner once in awhile.

Isn’t it disgusting to run around the neighborhood with your first cucumber and find that the neighbors have picked several messes?

______

Musings of the Office Boy

Be good and you’ll be original.

Talk is cheap till it calls out de hush money.

De road to success don’t lie behind gritty windows.

De baseball ump’ needs a duck’s back and a hole from one ear to de other.

Girls are all right as fur as dey go, and dey’ll go as fur as your money holds out.

W’en de boss is good natured he wants de whole office to know it, and when he ain’t dey know it anyway.

De folks who are findin’ de most fault with Dr. Cook are de ones who ain’t strong on getting’ up fakes demselves.

It’s all right fur folks to keep sayin’, “save your money,” but it’s pretty hard work to save what you don’t get.

______

A Short Fish Tale

Johnnie wishin’

To go fishin’.

Mother dined him;

Cannot find him.

                         

Johnnie baitin’

Chores a-waitin’.

Mother hollers,

Johnnie follers.

Johnnie “itchin’,”

Mother switchin’.

No more wishin’,

No more fishin’.

____________

June 9, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

“The Fish We Didn’t Get”

(Contributed.)

Old Uncle Joe came sailing home,

     Adown the country road;

A few white perch, a pickerel,

     Was all the fish he towed.

We hailed him as he came abaft

     In good old sailor style,

And asked him, “Was that all he caught?”

     And he smiled a pitying smile.

Old Uncle Joe then slowly turned

     And set his sails aback;

“You’d orter seen the fish I lost –

     Three big ones – that’s a fac’!

One big black bass I caught – almost,

     He weighed jest five-poun’ three,

An – “ we stopped him ere he caught more,

     And asked how that could be.

O, Uncle Joe, ‘twas always so,

     Those fish we never get;

How could you tell how much he weighed,

     When he is swimming yet?”

Old Uncle Joe he slyly smiled,

     His voice was light and gay:

“I think I tol’ yer, didn’t I,

     I seen him git a-weigh?”

     Waverly.              WALT BRIAN.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Never brag uv your fish till he’s dressed an’ fried, an’ then there won’t be no occasion.”

______

Musings of the Office Boy

“Winks” are more powerful than words.

They’s such a thing as layin’ perfumery on too thick.

A shake-up ain’t apt to be follered by a shake-down.

The prettier the stenog’ the worse she can spell, ain’t it?

Feet that rest on the desk too much never get anywheres.

Gee, I never could see anyt’ing in a chocolate and chewin’ gum existence!

People who go up in the air the easiest come down the hardest.

Stay in one place too long and they think you can’t get a job nowhere’s else, but jack your job ev’ry now and then and they will say you don’t know w’atcher want.

______

A False Alarm

First guard – Half a dozen prisoners have broken out.

Second guard – Great heavens! You don’t say so?

First guard – Yes; they’ve got the hives.

______

He Knew

Father – Do you realize what goes with betting and the race track, my son?

Chauncey – Yes, father; money.

______

The Facetious Frog

(Contributed.)

In miry bog

An old bullfrog

To joyous peeps gave lip;

        As near the brink

        To get a drink

He noticed the “cowslip.”

        “Now here’s a joke,”

        Did he then croak,

I think it is a ripper:

        Why is that cow

        Like a plant, now?

She’s a lady-slipper!”

Dorchester.                     H. E. F.

______

Pericles Hubbard

(“Good old Mother Hubbard, she went to the cupboard to get her poor dog a bone.”)

So runs the old Mother Quack rhyme of which the ear of the world seems never to weary. Our modern Good Dame Hubbard went to the cupboard, and lo and behold she brought forth Pericles! Not the ruler of Athens, of course, but the mayor of East Aurora. What daddy Pericles did for Athens so will Peri’ number two do for East Aurora. It is a very lucky thing for the “Shephard of his Flock” that he dwells in Aurora, for it is a place of rare brilliancy – the whole world being attracted to it, while it sheds light upon the whole world – and it is a most fortunate thing for East Aurora that Pericles stretched his tent over its boundaries because he but adds to her lustre. “Aurora, the rising light of the morning.” Pericles, the already risen light of the latter-day literature. What a pair! Is it any wonder that the world is dazzled by the radiance that spouts from Fraelbertusville?

Small wonder the “Message” found Garcia. Its splendor lighted Rowan’s path and burned to ashes all that stood in its way. Greater than Daddy Pericles is Peri’ the younger, for he rules supreme single-handed, while the old fellow had legions at his command. Great! Ain’t it? “I am Pericles.”

______

An Idyl of Lovers’ Lane

In the spring a young man’s fancy

Lightly turned to thoughts of Nancy,

     Belle and Mildred – even Jane,

            As perchance he

            Met her coming

            Softly humming

     Tender ditties down the lane.

“Where, Miss Jane, may you be going?”

And the maid, with blushes glowing,

     Answered simply, “To the lot

            Pa is hoeing.” –

            “May I go too?

            I can hoe too!”

     And the maid objected not.

On the way they met fair Nancy,

Belle and Mildred too, just fancy!

     Each, a basket on her arm;

            Which circumstance he

            Knew meant straying

            A-field a-Maying: –

     “Stupid, hoeing on the farm!”

He is lost who hesitates;

Gets the mitten “while he waits.”

     Up spoke Nancy, “Keep him, Jane!”

            Jane berates:

            “Go along, sir,

            Where you belong, sir!” –

     Cold and lonely in the lane!

    Brunswick, Me.               W. A. H.

____________

June 10, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Summer Folks

O, Gungywamp is busy now,

     The summer folks are comin’,

An’ ev’rywhere about the town

     The wheels of trade are hummin’.

Ham Streeter’s painted up his stage,

     Looks like a circus waggin;

Has got a brand new pair o’ nags,

     So now they ain’t no laggin’.

Hamp Culver’s built onto his house,

     He’s got some boarders comin’;

He says Semanthy, that’s his wife,

     Is keepin’ him a-hummin’.

Two autos went through yesterday

     With baggage in behind ‘em;

If they keep comin’ thick as this

     The horses soon won’t mind ‘em.

The mail’s increasin’ ev’ry day,

     To liven up existence;

Postmaster says ‘fore very long

     He’ll hafter have assistance.

Kin hear the bang of croquet balls,

     An’ argerments that foller;

O, quietness in Gungywamp

     Till fall, has gone to holler.

In Stokes’ store it’s noticed most,

     The clerks are in a scurry;

When summer people want their goods

     They want ‘em in a hurry.

He says he’ll hafter git a boy

     If things keep sech a hummin’;

O, Gungywamp’s a busy place

     When Summer folks are comin’.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Gen’ly it don’t take more’n a gill uv effort to git folks into a peck of trouble.”

______

Apiary Note

The Connecticut Beekeepers’ Association will hold its summer field day in Hartford, Saturday, June 18. As it is to be a basket lunch affair the members have little to fear of being stung.

______

A Day in the Country

(Contributed.)

Now hie we to the countryside

     To some fair bosky dell,

And with the ancient well sweep wide

     Hoist typhoid from the well.

Anon we in the fields will walk

     And fragrant posies cull.

With naught to mar our social talk,

     Except a charging bull.

We sit upon the soft green grass,

     When tempting lunch is spread;

While on our things, as round they pass,

     Bugs drop from overhead.

Or out upon the shady stream

     We float in bark so light;

Content to idly drift and dream,

     If skeeters did not bite.

In joyous study we would fain

     The works of nature see,

And often find in sudden pain

     The working of the bee.

Contact with Nature strength will give,

     The nature fakirs write.

We think we’re lucky if we live

     To reach our homes at night.

     Webster.                      S. G. R.

______

A Great Scheme

“Aren’t you people going abroad this year?”

“O my, no; we are going to do the most original thing this summer, and we’ll be talked about all winter.”

“How very interesting! What is your plan?”

“We are going to overhaul our house and spend the summer in quiet and seclusion. We’ll be the only family on the whole street!”

______

Ominous

Johnson threatens to be his own manager, thereby saving not only a salary, but the probability of having to do many things he wouldn’t want to do. If he really expects to win the big pot, why should he care about a measly managerial salary?

______

Cheerful Comment

“Bon voyage!”

“A life on the ocean wave.”

Lard is cheaper, but we don’t grease our boots in winter.

The annual birth rate in France is reported as being lower, as usual.

Sharks, sea serpents and whales better give the Kaiserin a wide berth.

Isn’t the off season through? Just when fishing should be poorer it’s better.

A Texas boy recently swallowed a bottle of indelible ink. Strange what methods some people employ to make their marks on the world.

______

Gasoline Note

Chancellor Day, of Syracuse University, says that automobiles are a curse. That’s what we think every time we count up and find we haven’t the price of one.

______

O, That Kid!

Nurse – The baby is getting a tooth.

Newma – Heavens, Jane, take away the knife!

____________

June 11, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Whistling at His Work

There is a man in our town

Who works from sun-up ‘till sun down,

     Without a thought of shirk;

He doesn’t watch the clock all day,

Nor frown when labor comes his way,

     He whistles at his work.

He’s made a bit of a success,

Is never under any stress,

     But keeps a feeling chirk;

Old age don’t dare to lay its fist

Upon this anti-egotist,

     He whistles at his work.

And when the long day’s work is o’er

His children meet him at the door

     With merry quip and quirk;

He carries home a manner gay,

Because, all through the troubled day,

     He’s whistled at his work.

And you, old fellow, does it drag,

Are you a little apt to lag?

     Do bosses say you shirk?

Perhaps the day will quicker end,

And you will get there sooner, friend,

     To whistle at your work.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“The grocery store’s best advertisement ain’t what gen’ly sets on the front piazza.”

______

Wedding Note

A grain of rice which lodged in a bride’s ear 10 years ago has just caused her death. How very fortunate for the bride that her well-meaning friends didn’t throw old shoes.

______

Pavement Philosophy

A still tongue carries further.

The finger of scorn should be curved.

Some bad neighbors are so from example.

Many suburbs are paved with good intentions.

Man is known by the company he works.

Also dirt is a good friend, but a bad master.

Some folks keep up their appearances, but let their fences go.

Too much booze also makes the world go round.

It is better to get down to brass tacks than to sit on one.

Three rhyming words that are very closely related: “Boys,” “toys” and “noise.”

______

A Family Affair

Mamma – Didn’t I tell you I would punish you if you ever licked that Jones boy again?

Tommie – Yes, but he called me names.

Mamma – That doesn’t alter the case; but what did he call you?

Tommie – He said I was homely as a flatfish.

Mamma – That was not worth fighting about.

Tommie -But that wasn’t all; he said something else.

Mamma – What else did he say?

Tommie – He said I was the very image of you.

Mamma – Well, I shall not punish you this time.

______

The Lady of June

(Contributed.)

The Rose, the Rose! I see that peerless flower

Illume the laborer’s shed and grace the lady’s bower,

A million stars of summer twinkling at each hand

To lighten, brighten, and enchant the land.

I see them pass for friendship’s happy dole,

Affection’s blameless gift exalting to pure soul;

I see them in love’s bosom laid and twined in beauty’s hair,

Heaven-born, like these, they claim a kindred there;

I see them plucked for brides, and, twice more sweet,

I see them placed in maiden’s winding-sheet;

I see them comfort the young mother’s pain,

Her baby’s hand stretch forth for them in vain;

I see them bring a smile to childish age,

Cheering the last steps of their lone pilgrimage;

I see them glad the poor, revive the sick;

Humble the proud, soften the splenetic,

Make nature kinder, gentler, while they last,

And nobler, better, when they all are past.

I see them minister to all humankind,

Not one exempt, offspring of the eternal mind;

Lastly, I see them stand in God’s most holy place,

Mute, stainless, meek petitioners of grace,

Pure worshippers! Teach us thy true religion here,

A grateful reverence void of hope or fear;

Inspire us, flower-like, to attain this –

A life of worship in a world of bliss.

      Somerville.      H. A. KENDALL.

____________

June 12, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

In Hammockland

The hammock curved beneath the tree,

     A maiden lay therein;

A sweet and charming picture she,

     To wake her were a sin.

Her cheek blushed like the early rose

     Turned to the morning light;

Her slender hand in graceful pose

     But added to the sight.

He came and bent above her head,

     And lingered spell-bound there;

He longed to kiss her cheek so red,

     It was so young and fair.

He hummed a love-tune soft and low,

     Then smacked her with a gulp;

She woke. then dealt the thief a blow

     That smashed him to a pulp.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Keep hens shet up an’ they won’t do anything; let ‘em run an’ they’ll do ev’rything.”

______

Ship, Ahoy!

My Teddy is out on the ocean,

     My Teddy is out on the sea;

O, Neptune don’t make a commotion,

     But bring back my Teddy to me.

Bring back,

       Bring back,

Bring back the prodigal “T.”

______

Cheerful Comment

The reign of the rain!

Even the joy ride will turn.

All marine roads lead to the Kaiserin Auguste Victoria.

The Cannon automobile doesn’t get the proper boom.

“Jeff” says he is fit, and “Jack” says that is just what he is going to give him.

The “Tiger” is going to have a twist in its financial tail.

______

Regular Trips

“He was driven to drink.”

“Poor fellow!”

“Yes; his horse could find the saloon every time.”

______

Latest, by Wireless

(Contributed.)

We have just received a wireless

     From his ship out on the deep;

It reports him active, tireless,

     Walks the deck while others sleep.

Showed the captain some corrections

     That has changed his course a lot;

Gave the engineer directions

     Which increased the speed a knot.

Said kind words to all the toilers

     As he roamed about the ship;

Grasped the hand of stokers, oilers,

     With a hearty, strenuous grip.

Then he looked around the steerage,

     Found no one on the stork had slighted;

Said, “By George, this beats the peerage,

     Certainly I am dee-lighted!”

Has enjoyed the whole trip fully,

     He gave all to understand;

But was happy and said “Bully!”

     As he glimpsed his native land.

     Dorchester.                     H. E. F.

______

To the Rescue

Inventor – I have a great idea here if I only had the wherewith to carry it out.

Financier – I should think an ordinary wheelbarrow would be sufficient.

______

Going it Blind

Boarder – Do you believe danger lurks behind the kiss?

Rural maid – I never see what’s behind it, for I always shut my eyes.

____________

Roosevelt?

(By McLandburgh Wilson in the N. Y. Sun.)

You have given Egypt the best government it has had for at least 2000 years. The only reason I put in the 2000 is that I happen not to know the details of the government of the Ptolemies.

How did you keep your blunders

     Hid from Omniscience’s brow?

Come from the land of spirits,

     Ptolemy, tell us how.

How did you keep your business

     Hid from his searching eye?

Ptolemy Philadelphus,

     Tell us, that we may try.

How did you keep your evils

     From the Uplifter’s ken?

Ptolemy Euergetes,

     Whisper to modern men.

How did you keep your rich men

     Safe, from the Big Stick free?

Ptolemy Philopater,

     Give us the recipe.

How did you boss your soldiers,

     Giving him not a squint?

Ptolemy Philometer,

     Drop us a friendly hint.

June 13, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Advertise It

If you’ve got a thing to sell,

          Advertise it;

Don’t go hang it down the well,

          Don’t disguise it.

How do you expect to thrive?

Let the world know you’re alive,

Get the people round your hive,

          Advertise it.

If hotelling by the sea,

          Advertise it;

Give it wide publicity,

          Don’t despise it.

They who’ve led the money dash

Use the advertising leash;

If you’ve got the best o’ hash,

          Advertise it.

If you’re out of work, my son,

          Advertise it;

That’s the way great things are done,

          N’one denies it.

Let the world know every day

You are ready for the fray;

If you’re strong for steady pay,

          Advertise it.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“‘All things come to him who waits,’ an’ then ag’in they don’t.”

______

Weather Note

“Probably by next Christmas, if the rain lets up, we can have a ball game.” No, “Hal’,” because then it will snow.

______

Cheerful Comment

“The Kingdom” is elusive.

Oklahoma city is feeling big these days.

But logging in Hell Gate will never become popular.

Well, if beef does go up, we still have our garden sass.

The Washington board of education is going to make itself unpopular by urging a ban on kissing.

David Rankin, Jr., a St. Louis capitalist, is determined to die poor. Most people are saved the bother of making the determination.

Every time a remarkably long flight is made in an airship, one cannot help wondering at the inactivity in the Tillinghast garage.

Now that they have found sculpin in Lake Ontario, we wouldn’t be surprised to hear any time that they had fitted out a Great Lakes whaling fleet.

Edna Wallace Hopper, the actress, who was arock in her launch for 10 long hours in a storm, and with nothing to eat or drink, would be justified in saying perfectly awful things about Hell Gate.

______

Gungy Financiering

Hank Stubbs – A feller out in Michigan has got a litter of eight pigs with 54 laigs on ‘em.

Bige Miller – He’d orter sell ‘em on the hoof.

______

Baccalaureate Note

The Rev. H. A. Jump, of New Britain, Ct., preached before the graduating class of the New Hampshire State College on the “Art of Letting Go.” Doubtless the Rev. Jump’s audience was quickly moved.

______

The Fly War

Now comes the measly household fly,

     To walk upon the butter,

Straight from the sink-drain handy by,

     Or possibly the gutter.

Get out your old-time blunderbuss

     And pepper him, dog rot him!

Or if you cannot shoot the––fiend

     Just take a bat and swat him.

______

Dear Old Boston

(Contributed.)

There is a city by the ocean

     On the Massachusetts’ rock-bound shore,

Where the gales from old Atlantic

     Toss their waves forever more.

There the human heart breaks tender

     For all the wrongs and woes and pain;

There’s no town like dear old Boston –

     You may search the world in vain.

Like our dear old, sturdy Boston

     Lying snug beside the sea;

The city which in olden time

     Threw overboard the tea.

Like our dear old ready Boston,

     Where purse is open wide

To help the poor, befriend the weak,

     And champion freedom’s side.

When far from dear New England,

     In distant lands I roam,

My heart turns back so joyful

     To my tried and trusted home.

To that city by the ocean,

     The peer of Athens old;

And I long to see old Boston,

     And be gathered in her fold.

     Chatham, Mass.                    ***

____________

June 14, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Ice Cream Fireworks

O, Tommie, load your pistol up

     And ram the charges down;

We’re going to have the biggest time

     That ever struck the town.

Fill up your pockets, stuff ‘em out,

     And let the eagle scream;

This year we’re going to celebrate

     With charges of ice cream.

O, Tommy, watch this rocket go

     Up in the fair blue sky!

And when it hits the Milky Way

     Just watch the ice cream fly.

The cannon cracker, harmless now,

     Will give delight supreme;

Instead of powder dangerous,

     It’s loaded with ice cream.

O, Tommie, do not yearn for noise,

     Let peace be your desire;

Let loads of colored ice cream cool

     Your patriotic fire.

Load up your rockets and your bombs

     And let the eagle scream,

But not with powder, Tommy dear,

     Touch off a quart of cream!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Ef they wuz 8 days in the week some folks would want 9, an’ some would want 6.”

______

Weather Notes

Dear Jocosity: Kindly accept this invitation to the christening, as Boston at last has a little “sun.” Very truly yours                                                             H. V. L.

Dear Harry: Your kind invitation is accepted, but from force of habit we shall take along our umbrella. Yours just as truly,                            JOCOSITY

______

“He’s Coming”

(Tune, Old Black Joe)

He’s coming, he’s coming,

     And our ears are bending lower;

We hear that gentle voice exclaiming:

     “Home – once – more!”

______

Cheerful Comment

“Alive on the ocean wave!”

Hamilton’s the latest American bird.

Twenty-one guns, and he the biggest of them all.

The law is off on human game in New Hampshire.

Kentucky is to build a graftless town. This means it will be moneyless.

New York women used hatpins on a poor policeman. They could have accomplished more with smiles.

Jack Eldridge, 24, may beat walker Weston in number of days, but then, he’s three times younger.

Uncle Joe says the world is growing better, and of course he figures himself as being part of that world.

The Erie road’s $6,000,000 cut is opened. This will be a good thing as long as it doesn’t extend to the wages of the employees.

Several warships will be sent to the Maine coast to articipate in the Fourth of July celebrations, but as for going ashore, the jackies say, “What’s the use?”

______

Higher Price Note

As might be expected, the packers are laying the blame of the newer high prices on the steers themselves, because they are so lean. Isn’t it tough?

______

Over the Fence

“Great game,” said the kid, “but O, G.,

     Only half the players can I C.,

And you wanter know Y?

     Dug a hole for one I –

Two tomorrer you bet there will B.”

     Dorchester.                H. E. F.

______

The Son of a Gun

Nervous Old Lady (in railway carriage) – I hope that gun is not loaded, sir?

Sportsman – I’m afraid it is. However, I will insert this cork in the muzzle. There; quite safe now.

The nervous old lady breathed a sigh of relief. – M. A. P.

______

Compliment to Ben

Some years ago a civil war veteran of Exeter, N. H. was at the depot in that town when President Harrison’s special train stopped for a short time. This man was noted for his bluntness, and he called out to the President, who was making a short speech: “Ben you are a better looking man than your picture, and I named my dog after you!”

Boston.                                                  H. V. L.

______

Satisfactory

“How would you like to go to Nice for a vacation?”

“I should think it would be very nice.”

______

While You Sleep

Some people brag about their sound sleeping, and yet it might sometime prove a costly blessing, as in the case of the Newark (N. J.) couple who lost $10,000 in jewelry and $600 in cash while they were enjoying a “dead to the world” snooze a few nights since. The jewelry was snugly tucked under a pillow and the pillow was under a pretty woman’s head, but the dexterous burglar extracted the loot and got away without awakening the sleepers, taking along as a souvenir of the occasion $600 in cash from the hubby’s pocket. The habit of sleeping with one eye open is not so bad, after all.

____________

June 15, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Home and College Letters

Dear Son: Your college soon will close;

Then hurry home, for goodness knows

I’ll need you purty bad; I’ve got

A heap o’ hay down in the lot.

Don’t waste no time when school is done,

But hurry home; I need you, son.

Dear Father: I am not right well,

And haven’t been for quite a spell;

The doctor says I ought to take

A journey west for my health’s sake.

He says that Cal. would health restore,

I ought to be there July Four.

Dear Son: If you are bound to go

I’ve no objection, that I know;

The walkin’s fine, healthy to boot;

Why don’t you try the Weston route?

Although you’ll find, in ev’ry case,

The farm’s a purty healthy place.

Dear Father: I feel better now,

Don’t care for Frisco anyhow.

Me walk out to the land of gold?

My feet, dad, are not sore but cold!

When college closes I’ll be there

If you will forward me the fare.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Hoss sense of’untimes belongs hully to the hoss.”

______

Political Note

Oysters are noted for their silence. Whether the Oyster Bay products are an exception to the rule cannot be determined until after the Sunday roast.

______

Cheerful Comment

At last the handling of milk is bottled up.

Now then the lobster gets the high price habit.

Shoplifting is a sure way of being sent up.

Don’t kick over the heat; you are getting what you ordered.

Even a star prize fighter can’t knock out the great white plague.

Of course you understand that the “sane” Fourth differs according to age.

Hunting game becomes extremely hazardous when the game is doing a little gunning also.

So “Jeff” has turned artist? It’s all right as long as he lets the red paint alone.

San Francisco may have the big fight on July Fourth, but if all goes well, we’ll have something bigger.

The new waltz tempo, 55 steps per minute, will depend largely upon the weather, the time, the place and the girl.

______

Dad’s Downfall

(The Lure of the Limelight.)

For years he held a steady job,

     And salted down his cash;

His neighbors knew him for a man

     Who never acted rash;

And when the good old summer time

     Had thrown a last skidoo,

The politicians looked about

     For some good thing to do.

‘Twas then they happened onto Dad,

     Investigated him,

And quickly hailed him with glad hand

     And cheery, “Hello, Jim.”

Poor Dad was all puffed up with pride,

     Assumed a statesman’s air,

Took elocution lessons – Gee!

     He was in wrong for fair.

At length a delegation choice

     Called at the house one night,

And said they needed poor old Dad

     To lead the People’s fight;

They drank up all Dad’s prime old Scotch,

     They smoked his best cigars,

While Dad for the occasion sprung

     A speech that beat the cars.

Right there they put plumb up to Dad

     A top place on the slate,

A vowed a man of his renown

     Hands down would sweep the state;

Those politicians sure got Dad;

     Divorced him from his tin;

They never did elect him though.

     And now poor Dad’s all in.

  J. RUDOLPH WALLERBASHER.

     Boston.

______

Wedded Silence

Isn’t it awful to think of being married for six long years without a word passing between husband and wife? That is how a Jersey City couple have lived, and now the wife is seeking a separate maintenance. They have not even used the dummy alphabet method, and the poor woman has had to rely all these years on her own judgment as to whether her hat was on straight. The husband on coming home from a hard day’s work has been denied the pleasure of saying, “What hades did you cook ham and eggs for when you know I like pork chops better?”

And the wife, hearing sounds below in the dead of night, has not been able to say, “John, there’s a burglar down stairs, go and put him out.” Women on both sides of them have had new hats and gowns and John has been denied the pleasure of hearing about them, and when some calamity has befallen the neighborhood John hasn’t had the satisfaction of confronting his wife and hissing through his set teeth: “You are to blame for this!” No, the better things of life have slipped away from this couple, and rather than continue to live in peace and quiet they have decided to live apart.

They admit that they cannot remember what they quarreled about six years ago, but it happened at the breakfast table, and doubtless was over a piece of steak too well done, or perhaps the wife demanded a half dollar for the day’s provisions. Anyway, they had a spat and neither would give in, and as a result they have lost the joy of continuous spatting and making up. Perhaps living under separate roofs for a while will show them that they are really fond of each other, and some morning when they meet on the street the conversation will be resumed. We hope so, for they have earned whatever is coming to them.

____________

June 16, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Teddy Roos’velt, N. Y., June 18, ‘10

(Apologies to Danny Deever.)

“Policeman, what is all this crowd?” the country tourist cried;

“They’re goin’ for to see a man,” the officer replied

“Who is the man they want to see?” the country tourist cried;

“I guess you never read the news,” the officer replied.

“He’s been away to Africa, a-shootin’ dang’rous game;

There’s nothing in the big, wild world he cannot kill or tame;

He speaks right out his feeling’s, and he ain’t afraid to blame, 

      And he’s sailing up the harbor in the morning.”

“Who are them folks in motor cars?” the country tourist cried.

“There’re malefactors of great wealth,” the officer replied;

“Why do they go the other way?” the country tourist cried.

“They fear the stick, they fear their stick,” the officer replied.

“He’s got a short and ugly name for any one who lies;

If people ain’t a-doin’ right he always puts ‘em wise;

The trusts and politicians they will get a big surprise

      When they welcome Teddy Roos’velt in the morning.”

“Why are the whistles blowin’ now? the country tourist cried.

“They’ve seen the signal from the ship,” the officer replied.

“But he’s a private citizen,” the country tourist cried.

“He chummed with kings and emperors,” the officer replied.

“He’s a bigger man than President, that is, he is today,

For all the country’s listenin’ to hear what he will say;

He’s on that ocean liner that’s a-comin’ up the bay,

      And we’ll shake the hand of Teddy in the morning!”

      Dorchester.          H. E. FENTON.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Things done while you wait might be done better if you could wait longer.”

______

And Then Again, We Couldn’t

We never saw a hobble skirt,

     Although we wouldn’t mind one;

But we take pains to here assert

     We wouldn’t hide behind one.

______

Cheerful Comment

You bet Boston knows beans!

Is Reno to rise still lower?

Wonder if he sits “Abaft the Funnel”?

Got any business over in New York Saturday?

Anyway, “Elijah I.” escaped a lot of lawsuits.

To fight or not to fight isn’t the question, but where?

Two noted authors, W. D. Howells and T. Roosevelt, will meet and pass on the great wet way.

The most important part of the Saxonia’s cargo were the six June brides who married before they stepped ashore.

The Nashville Banner explains at some length how to tell an old egg. We suggest a shorter way – drop it.

Don’t expect too much of him; he can’t make speeches and dance at Teddy, Jr,’s, wedding at the same time.

______

Not a Dull Thud

“Beef dropped in Chicago yesterday.”

“Well, not so’s you could hear it.”

______

Good Airship Location

(From a Recent Issue of the “Gungywamp Advocate.”).

We have heard in various roundabout ways that it is proposed to establish an airship route from New York to Boston. Whether there is any truth in those roundabout reports we know not, but has always been our policy to take the bull by the horns, and when anything new is on tap to get in on the ground floor. A stitch in time saves nine, and the early bird gets the worm. These maxims are just as true in our town as in Washington, D. C., or any other political stronghold.

Gungy should have a board of trade to look after such matters as would enhance the business of this town, increase its population and create advertisers, as well as subscribers for this paper. It seems up to the present time the only board of trade we have is the circle of horse traders and cow swappers who meet nightly at the grocery store and the post office, so it behooves this paper to take the initiative when public questions and public welfare is to be discussed. As the crow flies our town is in direct line of this proposed airship route already mentioned, and about half-way between the two cities. We don’t know a powerful lot about airshipping, but from observation we do know that it is necessary to have stopping places for one reason and another, and our town affords many valuable features for the same.

We have many soft and spacious fields, free from stumps and picket fences. We have a lumber yard, and one of our enterprising business men has installed a gasoline tank. We have a blacksmith shop where all kinds of repairing can be had at a reasonable figure. We have a doctor and surgeon, and plenty of team horses for pulling aviators out of their difficulties. We see no reason why our handsome and handy town shouldn’t make an ideal landing place for airships, and we hope our townspeople will make an effort to attract the attention of sky navigators with this idea in mind. In any case we hope our best marksmen will resist the temptation of taking a pop at them with their rifles as they go sailing by.

____________

June 17, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Young America Speaks

W’at’s all this talk, I’d like to know,

     About a Fourth that’s safe and sane?

The way some folks would celerbrate

     Most certainly gives me a pain.

I’ve never blowed me fingers off,

     Nor lost an eye; say, have I, boys?

Well, I don’t care how sane it is

     If we can only make a noise.

Them fellers drive their auto cars

     Like crazy down a country lane,

And toot and scare folks most to death –

     I s’pose they call it safe and sane!

They blaze and bang all through the woods,

     And shoot each other, time again;

I ain’t ezactly sore, but say,

     Is sport of that kind safe and sane?

The chaps who fit the British war

     Which made us independent, they

Made lots o’ noise, and rustled things,

     That put us where we are today.

Gee! Don’t kill Independence Day

     So dead ‘twill smother all our joys;

Can’t be no celerbration’t all

     If we can’t make a little noise!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Love at first sight sometimes gits discouraged on takin’ a secunt look.”

______

Cheerful Comment

New York’s chest is out.

The Kaiser is weak-kneed in name only.

Airships around Boston don’t stay put.

Congratulations to tiny Rough Rider Teodora!

The bottom has pretty nearly fallen out of the fake trunk.

The rain did more than anything else toward making it a sane 17^th.

Thus far this season the baseball fan has been overtopped by the baseball umbrella.

The mayor is still singing “Sweet Adeline,” and De Wolf Hopper is still reciting “Casey at the Bat.”

The Col. will soon be offered his 31^st job, that of being President of the No Strike Union, headquarters at Battle Creek, Mich.

A negro preacher of Scuffletown, Va., got the marrying habit so strong that he wedded six times, five of which were unlawful, before he was discovered. Now he has jumped the bail, also the community.

______

Going Up

Man wants but little

     Here below

Now that the aero-

Plane will go.

______

Civic Note

“WELCOME TO OUR CITY!” – New York at large.

______

A Bump of Humor

Dear Jocosity: I trust you will excuse me for writing to you, me a perfect stranger, but there is a question that has been on my mind for a long time, and I think you could answer it briefly and satisfactorily. It is this: Does it require any special gift to write humor? Does one have to be born that way, or can he learn it out of books? Could one take it up later in life and make a success of it? Wouldn’t hard study and close application do much to build up a humorist, say out of whole cloth? I have never written anything that you could call funny in my life, yet folks tell me I have a humorous bump. There is in reality a bump on my head different from most people, and it may be that it is a bump of humor. I never thought so much about it till lately, and if I thought I could develop it and earn some money writing humor it would be a good thing for me. If you could give me a word of advice on this matter I should feel truly thankful.

                           Very truly,

                                    I. R. STERNE.

Milton, Mass.

Dear Man-with-the-bump: Your double-twin, four-in-one question received and duly considered. We don’t think it requires any special gift to write humor. Humor is an accident, which doesn’t happen very often. Neither do we think anyone has to be born humorous; in most cases we think humor is thrust upon them. Surely humor can be taken up later in life, and the later the better. Ripe humor is preferable to green humor anytime. In regard to “close application,” that would depend on what you applied yourself to. Close application to the undertaking business wouldn’t tend to develop humor, and it is safe to say that a humorist could be built out of whole cloth much better than out of patchwork. We are a little puzzled over the bump referred to. There seems to be a bump for everything nowadays. By scratching your memory a little you may be able to account for it. It may indeed be a humorous bump, and put there by your father some time or other when you said something you thought extremely funny, but he took the opposite view. If this bump interferes at all with wearing a hat we wouldn’t advise you to try to develop it.

______

A Weather Breeder

(Contributed.)

The weather took a sudden change

     When Teddy sailed to reach our coast;

While warmth before was something strange,

     Since then each day we bake and roast.

And so I claim it now appears,

     Though some are prone to rant and cuss,

That now, just as it’s been for years,

     Tis Teddy makes it hot for us.

                                        S. G. REA.

     Webster.

____________

June 18, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Fellow Who Tries

We can’t all be famous, and rise to heights,

     Like some fellows do whom we know;

Can’t all nail the flag at the top of the crag

     And look down on the people below.

But this we can do, as we push on our way,

     If we can’t get the coveted prize,

We can send a cheer that is loud and sincere

     For the fellow who honestly tries.

As I go through life and know more of men,

     Their hopes, their joys and their woes,

My heart closer lies to the fellow who tries,

     To the fellow who’s still in the throes.

I like the firm chin, and the strong right hand,

     And the look in his far-gazing eyes;

I take off my hat, aye, greater than that,

     To the fellow who manfully tries.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Ef people on’y practiced what they preached they would be a hull lot less preachin’.”

______

Society Note

Eleven Brockton women are suffering from an attack of gypsy moths, made at a lawn party held in that city recently. That is a pretty how-do-you-do; isn’t there men enough in Brockton to keep gypsy moths off the ladies?

______

Pavement Philosophy

Few races are won in a walk.

A word to the overwise is lost.

A right fight is half the battle.

Too many loose ends will land you in a tight place.

If you have nothing to hide, nothing will come out.

You can love a fat man and still not want to hold him.

You really can’t judge a man by the creases in his trousers.

Most tramps look well-fed because they don’t over-eat, and use plain food.

If the coat fits, wear it; if it doesn’t, take it to your tailor.

When a girl gives you a lock of her hair nowadays, you can never feel quite sure.

Many a youngster, in order to have a proper dressing up, has first to get a dressing down.

Sometimes the brightest scholar in the school goes to work later in life for the so-called “thick-head.”

If you are using religion for a cloak, the sooner you invest in a new suit of clothes the better it will be for all concerned.

Some folks will tell you that, if they have got anything to say about you, they will say it to your face; but you will notice they never say it.

______

A Matter of Location

“What looks nicer than a black skirt and a white shirt waist?

“Well, it all depends whether they cover an attractive human form or are merely thrown over a clothes counter.

______

Boarding House Talk

“That fellow upstairs has moved out, or else he’s had rubber heels put on.”

“What makes you think so?”

“Haven’t heard him drop his shoes for a week or more.”

______

Infants Again

(Contributed.)

How blessed so e’er our days may be,

     Serene or glad, content or gay,

We,  dreaming,  remember  our  in-fancy –

     Infants again on many a day.

In the mother’s arms once more we lie,

     Wiling her vanished smile again

With a beautiful thrill that goes not by,

     Thro’ a poet’s joy. or a martyr’s pain.

The earliest chord of our little life,

     Dearest, divinest, and most fond,

Keeps hopeful and sweet our mortal strife

     For something as pure and sweet beyond.

     Somerville.       H. A. KENDALL.

______

A Egg Defence

A Chicago grocer’s boy had a lively half-hour round with an ugly fox terrier in his father’s store a few days ago. The dog drove the boy into a corner, and the only available weapon was a crate of fresh-lain eggs. These the boy used, one at a time, on the enraged beast with telling effect, till his ammunition was all exhausted, when the dog promptly advanced and bit him in the leg. The dog then, resembling a walking omelet, appeared to be satisfied and sought a nice green lawn where the grass was tall, where he could roll and separate himself from the external egg-nog. The unfortunate part of the affair was the fact that the eggs were too fresh to do much good. If the boy had the presence of mind to have gotten near a crate of stale eggs, or even near-fresh eggs, The dog might have been stopped by the first one over the plate.

______

June Rareness

(Contributed.)

The “Sweet Girl Graduate’s” o’erdone

     Or rather she’s too “rare”!

The dear boy graduate, also,

     Is “fresh” as morning air!

The grad who wears a summer hat

     Knows most things up to date;

But yet, I guess, she often asks:

     “Have I my hat on straight?”

    Melrose.                             T. F.

______

Hank Was Guessing

Hank Stubbs – That feller boardin’ over to Higgins’ don’t know much about grammar.

Bige Miller – How’s that?

Hank Stubbs – I met him in the rain yisterday an’ he says, “It ain’t much uv a day fur hayseeds.”

____________

June 19, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

We Catcha Da Feesh

Som’ peopla go to beach all day,

     For spand dey’ Sunday cash;

For ride on Crazzy bomp-da-bomp,

     Or mak’ da seelly mash,

Dey watcha girls for taka sweem,

     Or spanda all da day

Weeth walka, walka, up an’ down

     Da “Greata Whita Way.”

I no can spanda time like dat,

     I tak’ my wifa, too,

My leetla boy and leetla girl,

     Off w’ere da sea ees blue

An’ gatta seat upon da rock,

     Out w’ere da water sweesh,

An’ drop my feesha’ line een sam’,

     An’ catcha playnta feesh!

We eata lonch upon da rocks,

An’ gatta gooda breeze;

Gat som’theeng for da cash we spand,

     Som’ fooda, eef you please.

Don’t care for beach, an’ bomp-da-bomp,

     Nor shoot da shute “a-sweesh!”

Eet’s off upon da rocks for mine,

     For catcha playnta feesh.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“A little noise goes a long way when it is travelin’ on the train with its mother.”

______

Farming Note

Make hay while the son is home from college.

______

Cheerful Comment

Baldwin’s a lucky lighter.

Don’t lie, or the government may get you.

Aeroplaning has about equal number of ups and downs.

Hope they raise the Maine now they’ve raised the price.

Perhaps Alice puffed a cigarette just to keep away the skeeters.

After all, those cotton men don’t find pooling all wool and a yard wide.

Oysters are out of season, but Oyster Bay will be three times a day all summer.

It’s been a hard summer for out-door life thus far, excepting where it’s been carried on inside.

You might as well lose your money in Reno as elsewhere; it had proved to be a good separating place.

Whitney is fitting out his arctic vessel here under the guidance of Capt. Bob Bartlett. They are taking on board about everything excepting a pole-finder.

______

Weather Poem

A wet May       

Makes lots o’ hay.

A wet June

Is out o’ tune.

A wet July –

Gee! We’d all die.

______

Some Pickerel

The summer season’s fishing (stories) have started in with a fine run at Alexandria Bay, N. Y.  Millard J. Bloomer, Jr., the 11-year-old son of a New York Publisher, was fishing in front of the Thousand Island House a few days ago when a 15 pound pickerel came along looking for a little excitement, and seeing Millard’s hook dangling in the water thought he’s try its mettle. Millard cried “I’ve got a fish!” But he hadn’t; the fish had Millard. Mr. Pickerel started for – not the deep sea, for this was in the St. Lawrence – but for a section of the river where there was more room for gymnastics. Millard wouldn’t let go, and neither would the pickerel, so when the end of the line was reached Millard promptly went overboard and gave the pickerel a stern chase.

Luckily for Millard, and unluckily for the pickerel, a Mr. Zimmerman, an excursion manager, who understood rapid transit by water and knew just what to do, was handy by. Mr. Zimmerman hooked onto Millard and Millard kept hooked onto the pickerel, and Mr. Zimmerman landed both of them after skillfully playing them several moments. Millard is going to make a great fisherman some day, as the chief feature about angling is the power to hold on. Mr. Zimmerman holds the record at Alexandria Bay thus far this season.

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June 20, ‘10