Jocosities, December 1909

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Uncle Ezra Says:

“When I see some women folks goin’ ‘long the street I wonder how sech little heels kin’ hol’ up so much dignerty.”

______

A Sweet Singer of Long Ago

Poor Dexter Smith! “Ring the Bell Softly, There’s Crepe on the Door.” “Cross and Crown,” but “Put Me in My Little Bed.”

______

Cheerful Comment

They’re trying to prevent “George from doing it.

For heaven’s sake, round up the women pickpockets, and kill the germ.

Who will be first to get a “specially written” play to the “Red Widow?”

Boys, please don’t fool with the Zelaya firecracker until it goes off and hurts somebody.

The Alabama question: “Waal, Cunnel, What’s yewr’n?”

With the report that Houston (Tex.) is gathering its first crop of strawberries comes another dispatch that there is seven feet of snow near El Paso. Great state, that old Texas!

______

Always Busy

Hank Stubbs – Si Barker’s goin’ to close up his blacksmith shop. Says it don’t pay any more.

Bige Miller – So I heerd him say. Ast Si ef he wanted to make money why he didn’t turn it into a movin’ pictur’ show.

______

Not in the Game

If you’ve an enemy to slip,

     Whom you would like to disappear,

Just take him on a hunting trip,

     And then mistake him for a deer.

______

Poor John!

“Have you done any Christmas shopping yet?”

“I should say I have; I’ve had John’s box of perfectos in the house two months already.”

______

Holiday Hints

Shop early and often,

    For Christmas is nigh;

Get rid of left-overs,

    Then go out and buy.

LITTLE FOLKS

If stockings are holey,

     And all out of shape,

You’d best have them mended,

     Or gifts will escape.

____________

Dec. 1, 1909

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

A Little Low Time

When you’re a bit sad and the work goes bad,

     And your thoughts won’t glow like a stream,

And your eyes are blurred and your blood unstirred,

     And you can’t go on with your theme,

Don’t kick your chair in a wild despair,

     Or wail like a lonely loon;

Just think of the joy that comes to the boy,

     And whistle a little, low tune.

Don’t whistle so loud you’ll disturb the crowd,

     Or startle the cat from its doze;

Don’t whistle an air that will bring despair

     On the faces of friends or foes.

But when you are glum, and the work won’t come,

     Don’t think from success you’re immune;

Just apprise your brain you’re a boy again,

     And whistle a little, low tune.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“All things may come to him who waits, but they’ll come a good deal quicker to the feller who gits out an’ hustles fur ‘em.”

______

Cheerful Comment

DON’T let George do it!”

And the $7,000,000 bubble burst.

Time to take the crowbar to your late onions.

A mayor’s job in the hand is worth two in the distance.

It there no place now in New England where one may get married in a hurry?

If Dr. Cook has earned a few days’ vacation, for the sake of Mt. McKinley, let him have them!

To those who are preparing to go to New Haven, Ct., deer hunting, we are sorry to inform them that the season is closed.

______

This Air Comes High

August Bungert, the German composer, has had a few musical flights of late and has built a new symphony which he calls “Zeppelin’s First Voyage.” There is nothing strange in this, and the composer’s high motive is to be commended. It is hoped, however, that the outcome of the first trial, which takes place today at Coblenz, won’t be in the nature of a disaster like that which befell the daring count at the end of his memorable voyage.  The flight was a success, but the finish was a catastrophe, and if Bungert has got his theme away up in the air he must have a care about his landing. It appears to be easy going up nowadays, but it is coming down that hurts.

______

Dobson the Nervous

“He is so nervous,” people said,

And each would shake his troubled head.

“He should consult a specialist,

Or some fine morn he will be missed.”

And like remarks his friends would say

About poor Dobson every day.

For Dobson would sit in his chair

And twist and squirm and softly swear;

Would jump and walk about the room,

Then settle down in awful gloom.

“Alas!” said they, “he has a bat,

Or he would never act like that.”

At last they told the boss that they

With Dobson could no longer stay.

The boss took Dobson to one side

And questioned him; then Dob replied:

“Rough on them, sir? It’s worse on me;

I’m breaking in my flannels, see?”

______

Something Invisible

“After all,” said the well dressed caller, patronizingly, “there is something besides money in this world.”

“Yes,” replied Mrs. Littlecash, “everything I see in the world is something besides money.”

______

Perhaps He Doesn’t

“Pa?”

“Yes.”

“Why do they say, ‘he swears like a trooper,’ pr ‘he swears like a pirate?’ Why don’t they use something more up to date?”

“What, for instance?”

“Why don’t they say, ‘he swears like an automobile fixer?’”

______

Getting Even

“I wouldn’t marry you if you were the last man alive!”

“You bet you wouldn’t; what a choice I’d have in a cast like that.”

____________

Dec. 2, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Zangwill, Suffragist Chanticleer

(Israel Zangwill, the novelist, is a defender of the militant suffragists – News item)

O, Israel, we are surprised

     That you’re so full of go and snap!

Your readers ne’er would have surmised

     You were a wild, bloodthirsty chap.

We knew you held a forceful pen,

     And scribbled for the just and right;

But never thought you’d turn from men,

     Advising women they should fight.

Nay, “Revolutions are not made

     With rose water”; quite true, they’re not.

You say you wait, not unafraid,

     “When one or ‘tother will be shot.”

O, Israel, can this be you,

     You who have ever been so meek?

What brought this pessimistic view,

     Is it your liver, Izzy, speak?

O, Israel, cast not aside

     Your gentle pen for brick or broom!

If you are bound to fiction ride

     Don’t ride the route that means your doom.

Right about face! And don’t advise

     Your sisters to forget their sphere;

O, Israel, who’d e’er surmise

     In you a suffrage chanticleer!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“When you ask fur advice, don’t kick becuz it ain’t ‘zackly what you wanted to hear.”

______

Cheerful Comment

Zelaya was a dandy delayer.

Oughtn’t our lightships be heavier?

Some don’t shop early because their money comes late.

“K. O. T. I.” is not a new brand of paint; it means “Keep off thin ice.”

For our new basin, why not “Charlesboat” in summer, and “Charleskate” in winter?

When incarcerated suffragists won’t eat, why doesn’t the warden try ‘em on ice cream?

Gertrude Atherton says she would rather go to the hot place than to Chicago, but “coming to New York is a paradise.”  Coming still further East is better yet.

It pays to be a good bellboy. “Mike” Dunphy, who did his work quickly and cheerfully, has been left $50,000 by a grateful guest of the Argonaut, San Francisco. Pays for even a bellboy to ring true.

______

Just Supposing

If all the little tales are true

     Concerning Mary’s lamb,

It must have been a gentle beast,

     As sheep most always am.

But picture, if you can, dear friends,

     (Alas! Perhaps you can’t)

What would have happened had it been

     A lively elephant?

______

Assigning the Parts

Amateur – If I can’t have the leading lady part I just shan’t be in the show, that’s all!

Manager – But you will have the leading part; you will be the farm maid, and you will have to lead the little calf down to the spring several times.

______

Some Winter Mustn’ts

(Contributed.)

Now we have our winter here,

Let us keep our skies as clear

       As we can;

We must cease our whinings, then,

Like a wild beast in his den,

       And each man,

Should he hate to shovel snow

In an arctic winter’s blow,

       Mustn’t growl.

Should he find the furnace slow

On a morning twelve below,

       Mustn’t howl.

Should he find the pipes have burst,

And the flood is at the worst;

       Mustn’t care.

Should he, on an icy track

Fall and land upon his back,

       Mustn’t swear.

Should he reach the office late,

‘Cause a storm would not abate,

       Mustn’t groan.

Should he, waiting for a car,

Cultivate a choice catarrh,

       Mustn’t moan.

    Etc., etc., etc.

All these things, and more besides,

Wilt our comfort will collide,

       Yes, indeed!

Laugh ‘em down, then good and hard,

And – if never off our guard –

       We’ll succeed!

Melrose.                             T. F.

____________

Dec. 3, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Uncle Ezra Says:

“When you fall in love with a face, don’t forgit they’s a dispersition goes along with it.”

______

Wives, and Husbands’ Pockets

Judge Matthew P. Breen of New York city holds that a wife should have free access to her husband’s pockets; that if wifey wants to do a little prospecting in the depths of her husband’s trousers while he is guarding camp with his sonorous snores, that she has a perfect right to do so, and that hubby has no cause to feel cut up when he awakens in the morning and finds that his findings have been found. The judge goes on to say that his own wife has that great and comforting privilege, adding, however, that she hardly ever finds anything worth while. On that basis most any man would be willing to have his wife go through his pockets, for most men like a good joke. Most men would enjoy lying perfectly motionless, with one eye open, watching the look of astonishment and vexation coming over the faces of their helpmeets as they withdrew their cute little pink fingers, empty, from pocket after pocket! What a sweet joke, in the middle of the night. We know that we should laugh outright and spoil the picture.

Once knew a man who hid money under a stone bridge each night before he entered his home, which was just around the corner. In the morning on his way to work he would take it out again and spend some of it wildly, recklessly, through the day, sometimes going so far as to buy a five-cent paper of “fine cut.” If Judge Breen is hiding his wallet under a bridge every night there is no reason why he shouldn’t preach as he does, and then enjoy his little joke at the midnight hour.

______

A Warning

Uncooked food

     And meatless diet

In some homes

     Would cause a riot.

______

Cheerful Comment

Invariably the striker gets hit the harder. Some boiler-makers hammer out a good living, anyway.

Even the strongest poets can’t coax out a little of the “beautiful.”

T. R. ought to be sent to rid Nicaragua of some of its man-killing beasts.

The Springfield water famine ended before beer really had a chance to show what it could do.

______

Exit Zalaya

There was an old scoundrel Zalaya,

Quite noted for being a slaya;

     But now that he’s got

Uncle Sam on the trot

He’s not very much of a staya.

______

As the Humorist Saw It

“The theatre program they use here seems very appropriate,”

“Yes; I notice they have appropriated quite a few of my jokes and paragraphs.”

____________

Dec. 4, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Here and Now and Long Ago

Why is it that “long ago”

Beats “here and now,” I’d like to know?

Why is it poets pen their lays

So much about the bygone days?

Why is it they will sing fore’er

Of “good old days so free from care,”

And leave unsung the best, I trow,

The golden days of here and now?

The days of here and now should be

The best of all for you and me;

We can’t bring back the good old days

By singing songs or writing lays;

So let us make the very best

Of now, and let the by-gone rest.

The bygone days have lost the race;

‘Tis here and now we’ve got to face.

The good old days were full of joy

When you were just a girl or boy,

And now the world seems dull and brown

Because we’re old and settled down.

But we can have days just as sweet

If we stir our hearts and feet;

‘Tis possible to have, I trow,

The good old days right here and now.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Ef life wuz all peaches an’ cream they’d be an awful price put on vinegar.”

______

Pavement Philosophy

Experience is a dear teacher to do without.

It takes a cast-iron man to cast an amateur show.

Love’s sweet song can’t always dwell along the top notes.

Love wouldn’t be so blind if people had their eyes open wider.

The under dog ought to get the sympathy since he gets all the swatting.

Men have been known to break into society with a pick and shovel.

Usually the self-made man owes his thanks to some self-made woman.

The smart person wouldn’t feel so smart if there were a way of making him smarter.

Be careful where you lend money. Don’t lend yourself a dollar unless you know you can pay it back.

Speaking of masquerades, how much more charming some people would be if they never unmasked.

______

Finding a New Ending

“I suppose you will end your book as usual, ‘and they lived happily ever after?’”

“Not a bit of it. I will say: ‘They are now happily married, but no man knows what a day may bring forth. The author, however, hopes for the best.’”

______

Tripping Pa Up

“Confound these modern schools, anyway!”

“What is the matter?”

“I thought I could speak correctly till my little daughter began taking language lessons.”

______

Much to Be Pitied

(Contributed.)

She sat her down on mossy mound,

     Her bosom fell and rose;

Her little tears ran down her cheeks

     Each side her dainty nose.

Her little, sobbing lips they shook,

     That oft so happy smiled;

She was indeed, to look upon,

     A most unhappy child.

When asked the reason of her grief,

     She sadly shook her head,

And sighed, “O dear, O dearie me,

     I wish ‘at I were dead.

Don’t ask me any questions, please,

     But if you must, be brief;

Alas, poor me, what shall I do,

     I’ve swallowed my false teef!”

Lynn.                                    W. B. L.

______

Whys and Wherefores

(Contributed.)

A royal flush – Sunset.

A moving tale – Fido’s.

Mutton now – Mary’s little lamb.

Free raw material – Boston’s east wind.

Best card in the pack – The Joker.

The new woman’s sphere – the hemisphere.

Ships that pass in the night – courtships.

Celebrated trials – trials of temper.

____________

Dec. 5, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Maxims

“All is not gold that glitters,”

     My father used to say;

He had a lot of maxims

     He sprung from day to day.

“The longest way’s the surest

     Way home,” he said to me;

When I walked round the mill-pond

     He kicked most awfully.

“Don’t ever trouble trouble

     Till trouble troubles you,”

My father oft repeated,

     And which I thought was true.

One day his old ram bumped me,

     I felled him with my bat;

My father never quoted

     The saying after that.

“All work makes Jack a dullard,”

     I heard him say to ma;

“The same applies to Joseph,”

     I quickly said to pa.

“When children start a-quoting

     These maxims,” grumbled pa,

“I think it’s time we stopped it.”

“I think so, too,” said ma.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Some people try to bring out the best there is in a man by the wust methods.”

______

The Haughty Farmer

Score one for the farm! The agricultural black eye is fast disappearing. We pride ourselves that we have praised and admired the farm ever since ever since we have been away from it. It is inspiring to hear of others growing prosperous and independent on the farm. Six fourth-class postoffices in Arkansas have been discontinued because the farmers are so prosperous they won’t bother with anything so commonplace as a government office. This is cheering news, and helps support a theory we have long nursed, that the time would come when there would be a grand rush back to the soil, to independence and prosperity. The fact that Arkansans would rather sit on their fences and watch their crops grow than sit in a cosey postoffice and wait for the mails to come in proves that agriculture is becoming attractive and profitable.  It is hoped that this healthful industry will yet become so absorbing that our city institutions will have to shut down for want of help, and that the government at Washington will have difficulty in gathering a sufficient number of politicians to transact its business. (Representatives, etc., will you kindly double our allowance of “free seeds” next spring?)

______

Cheerful Comment

Cultivate the Santa Claus spirit, too.

Abruzzi will be “jack-of-all-trades” if he keeps on.

Better not criticize Dr. Cook too severely; he may turn up with another pole, first you know.

The fish famine is still unbroken. “Oh, if it were only trouting season now!” exclaim hundreds of imaginative anglers.

“Cheer up,” says a newspaper, “eggs are soon coming down.” If they come down hard we hope they will be strictly fresh ones.

Mrs. Johnson says that her Jack is an ideal son. There are those who think he would be idealer if he would visit his old mother oftener than once in seven years,

______

The One Who Comes Around

There’s the man who thinks he’s funny, and the man who borrows money, there’s the man who wants a favor, haunting you with nerve profound; but the man who wants to cheer you, or the man who wants to hear you when you wish to air your troubles, oh, he doesn’t come around!

There’s the man who will remind you there’s an enemy behind you, warning you against the neighbors that they’re tricky and unsound, but the man who daily labors for the uplift of his neighbors, shedding sunshine on the hearthstone, oh, he doesn’t come around!

But the man who breeds disorders, close to home and o’er the borders, you will find him omnipresent, where humanity is found, and the man full of complaining, if it’s shining or it’s raining, when you need the golden sunshine, oh, he always comes around!

______

The Candidates

(Contributed.)

Said a man who still wants to be mayor,

“You think I’m too much of a slayer,

       But I’ll still swing my axe

       And I don’t care who it whaxe;

You can bet you will find me a stayer.”

There’s a man again running this year

Whom the others have reason to fear;

       He’s been through it before,

       And knows how to score,

And will come out a winner, or near.

From a bunch the committee did sift

One whom they deem worthy the gift

       Of this office so high,

       For he says he will trigh

If elected to boom the uplift.

There are others who’ll run if they can,

Who jumped in on Number Two Plan;

       They’ll not catch many voters,

       Just a few careless floaters,

And end up in the class, “also ran.”

    Dorchester.                      H. E. F.

____________

Dec. 6, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

When Fortune Knocks

When ol’ fortune bangs your door,

     Tryin’ to git in,

Don’t set round an hour or more,

     Throwin’ out your chin,

Makin’ him feel passin’ sore,

     Causin’ him delay;

Better hustle to the door

     ‘Fore he gits away.

Fortune is a queer ol’ chap,

     Nail him on the spot;

He don’t care a single rap

     If you come or not.

If you ain’t right on the job

     He will take his load

To some ever-ready Bob

     Further down the road.

Fortune seldom bangs but once,

     But he wants a rise;

Do not be a poky dunce,

     Be alert an’ wise.

When you hear him bang away,

     Grab the liftin’ pin;

Open wide the door an’ say:

     “Welcome, step right in!”

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Some folks ask questions fur two reasons: Becuz they don’t know, an’ becuz they wanter find out ef you don’t.”

______

These Merry Monarchs

King Gustav of Sweden has played coal heavier in order to, among other things, get close to the Swedish laborer. Now we know why President Taft plays golf so persistently – it is, of course, to get close to the farmer.

______

Cheerful Comment

One day nearer – the mistletoe.

Anybody lost an Indian summer?

Now is the time to talk shop, and do it.

The oldest inhabitant has nothing on this fall.

About time for somebody to find another valuable “plate o’ raw” pearl.

Two of ‘em, at least, think the early bird will get the mayoralty worm.

Nobody denies but what Jeff will make good, if by good you mean make money.

A London man offers to sell himself to anybody for $1000 a year. He must look high to a $5 man.

Uncle Joe Cannon doesn’t care what is whiskey. Can this be a result of that long water-way cruise?

Domestic hint: Don’t place your jewels in a pillow slip, unless you have a maid who hasn’t a window-shaking habit.

______

Johnnie Complains

Water still shinin’ upon the old crick,

     Ground still bare as in early fall;

Not a thing doing when school is out;

     Skates still hung on the old shed wall.

Slowest old season ‘at ever I see,

     No snow to track rabbits, o, my!

Sled still in the attic, hung to a beam –

     Nothin’ to do for a feller but die!

______

He Always Did

“It takes two to make a quarrel,” said Mrs. Rowley, meekly.

“No it doesn’t,” thundered Rowley, “not if I have my way about it!”

______

A Hit Indeed

Humorist – I would like to write the best joke of the season.

Friend – Why not just not try?

______

Turning the Tables

Barber – Your hair is getting pretty thin, sir.

Customer (jumping from chair) – “Next!”

______

A Ducal Dirge

(From the London Chronicle.)

Speak not of Life! For what is life to me,

              A broken man,

              Whose earthly span

Will henceforth pass in dodging penury?

Such contributions to the sick and poor

              As I late gave,

              I’ll henceforth save

To keep the wolf from entering my door.

Fishing and pheasants! Well, perhaps, I may

              Fish still – for roach,

              and learn to poach

Stray birds from some Small Holder o’er the way.

My giant motor (with a ducal d        n)

              I needs must pawn,

              And each fine morn

Push out the baby in a home-made pram.

Ruined, oppressed, my feeble frame awaits

              The front door ring;

              My man to bring

The news: “Your grace, the bailiff’s at the gates.”

____________

Dec. 7, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Sometimes a feller who is sick uv his bargain will go out an’ hunt up another.”

______

Cheerful Comment

Will it be re-Morse?

No mudflats for the gay and festive “Dixie.”

William Watson is his own press agent.

But “Zebras” aren’t the best racers ever, you know.

To bet on Jeff seems to Corbett the only white thing to do.

There’s a song somewhere about “A Life on the Prairie for Me!”

“Fitz leads the grand march and sings a solo.” But Mr. Storrow does not need to learn to play the cornet and do a buck and wing.

Let alone a “look,” as regards that government post in China, nobody wants so much as a “Peek-in.”

It is one of the unexplainable things of life that an expert gunner will draw the muzzle of his forearm toward himself.

If sister Chicago hadn’t been so busy with other matters she might have been better prepared for that recent blizzard.

The oldest whaler is reported lost on a Cape de Verde island. No, boys, this doesn’t refer to your father; he will be home tonight as usual.

It takes all kinds of people to make a difference. There are those who fear Halley’s comet will come too near, and those who fear it won’t come near enough.

______

Everything in Season

The pigskin is deflated,

     And sadly laid away;

But sparerib, ham and sausage

     Are coming into play.

______

Feeling Their Work

Some men complain that the average barber is cold and unsympathetic, that he has no feeling in his business. They maintain that he, like the artist and the musician, should feel his work; should throw his whole soul into it, and that by doing so not only he, but his customer, would be benefitted thereby. We don’t know the barbers these men patronize, but certainly they are not the average ones we run across. We can say, and furnish proof to back it up with, that the barbers we employ, as a rule, feel their work, and not only that, we ourselves can feel it. We feel it for the time being, and for a long time afterward. We know barbers who not only throw their whole soul into their work, but half the contents of their operating kits. Of course, we have to pay for all this, but is it not worth it? Art comes high anywhere, whether it’s at the music hall, the picture rooms or the barber shop. Let the men who complain that barbers are unsympathetic come with us, and we’ll lead them to face artisans who will leave upon them lasting impressions of their “feeling.”

______

Hard Season for Parents

“Children have two difficulties this time of year.”

“What might they be?”

“Keeping on thick clothes and off thin ice.”

______

Meet It with a Smile

“Grumley says fortune never knocked at his door.”

“No wonder; he would have thrown a pitcher of cold water on it first thing.”

____________

Dec. 8, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

An Un-Cooked Reverie

Mother she has gone to visit,

     Will be gone a day or two;

No, she didn’t cook up nothing –

     What is father going to do?

Sure she left a raw banana,

     And some nuts beside his plate;

When he sees what she has left him

     He’ll go on an awful rate.

Ma believes in un-cooked fodder,

     Says it’s healthy as can be;

Then she says she will not worry

     Over stuff for pa and me.

Says she’ll have a chance to visit,

     And a life of greater ease.

Mother’s eating pie at auntie’s –

Father, pass the pickles, please!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“They’s no tellin’ but that an article ‘jest as good’ may turn out to be jest as bad.”

______

Wanted, a Cure-All

This new anaesthetic may be all right for surgical operations and all that, but what the world still needs is a cure-all for all kinds of pain. The rejected over needs a pain-killer that he can apply immediately his heart has received a swat from the one he adores. The poet, driven ruthlessly from the editorial room, needs something to kill the pain inflicted by the heartless editor. Then there is the man whose auto won’t budge and night is coming on; the theatrical beginner who has been hooked by the audience, etc. O, we could name a hundred uses for an ever-ready, vest pocket pain extinguisher.

______

Cheerful Comment

Naturally a steel trust would be strong.

Everybody ought to belong to a good cheer society.

O, let’s forget the gridiron and think about the griddle.

It sometimes happens that a prohibition wave rolls up wet.

“The Scarecrow” may be a good play, but it is rather suggestive of a lot of necessary make-up.

A news heading says that “Roosevelt’s nerve amazes old hunters.” All of which goes to show that they didn’t know their “Bwana Tumbo” very well.

______

Probably Better So

“Do you keep a scrapbook now?”

“No; my wife keeps it.”

“What do you mean?”

“The pocketbook.”

_______

Stopping Places (?)

Hank Stubbs – A good many times the longest way round is the surest way home.

Bige Miller – Waal, it depends on what is located on the long way.

____________

Dec. 9, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Bill Doane, Diplomat

“Bill Doane, he was the durndest chap

     That ever left this town, I snore,”

Said uncle Matthew Underwood,

     To us one night in Stokes’ store.

“He warn’t no more like other folks

     Than black’s like white, or chalk’s like cheese;

Why, durn my buttons, if he warn’t

     Wus nor an Injin chief to please.

“Bill Doane, he never will agree,

     No matter what the subject is;

An’ when he’s talkin’ pollertics

     They’s only one opinion – HIS!

Wuz allus mystery to me

     How Roosevelt app’inted him

To thet position over ‘crost;

     The pickin’ must be’n awful slim.

“Bill Doane he’s got, to my idee,

     A mind too strong to represent

Our nation on the other side,

     An’ yit, by jingoes, he jest went!

Man’d orter be more meller like

     To be a diplomat, I snore;

Some mighty cur’ous things take place,”

     Said Matthew, down to Stokes’ store.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“It is more blessed not to give than to go into debt for it.”

______

Poetry and Groceries

Poets have their troubles; that is about all they do have, for as a matter of fact, most poets are erratic. The more poetic the more erratic. Richard Le Gallienne is extremely poetic, consequently he thought that Mr. John William Hughes, “a common grocer,” had forgotten all about a little bill of $87.87 that he says Le Gallienne owes him. But while Richard has been up in the air over William Watson’s conduct, the common grocer has been up to a lawyer’s over Richard’s dilatoriousness, and the poetical world and the grocery world are awaiting the outcome with keen interest.

“Thou common grocer, get thee hence!”

      Said Richard, of the Muse;

“You common poet, pay my pence!”

      Said stern John William Hughes.

______

Cheerful Comment

Christmas shops are beginning to “trim.”

What a lot of fun paragraphers could have if his name was “Hubbard.”

Perhaps it were better to have “discovered” and lost than never to have discovered at all.

At last the post card is to serve a practical purpose, that of illustrating the letters of travellers.

In years to come some of our sweet old ladies will proudly say, “I was once a barefoot dancer.”

Now that Marathon waltzing has been stopped can’t something be done about Marathon talking?

______

Revised and Otherwise

Mary had a little lamb,

     At least that is our version;

It sent her spouse through bankruptcy –

     The little lamb was Persian.

                                  – St. Louis Star.

Mary bought a little lamb –

     (This is how it went – )

The store delivered her a ram;

     It had been ordered sent.)

                            – Rochester Herald.

If Mary’s up to date, and wise,

     And has no farmyard stock,

To get a square meal for a price,

She’d better buy a flock.

______

To the Over-Exuberant

When the days are warm and sunny and you’ve got a little money in the pocket which so often is plum full of emptiness, when the skies are blue and rosy and dame nature isn’t prosy, and the day is passing over without struggle, strife or stress, then you sing and shout and whistle, dance about like downy thistle, loving everybody near you as you love yourself, no doubt, and you want the world to hear you, and you want the world to cheer you as the man who’s always happy, who is never down and out.

But one day the sky is cloudy, and the atmosphere is shroudy, and you find your pocket empty from extravagance perchance, and your bones are stiff and achy, and you owe, your credit shaky, then your courage is expended and you cannot sing and dance. Then’s the time you need supplying with the joys you’ve sent a-flying, then’s the time you need the ardor you have wasted on yourself; so when next you feel like dancing, kicking high and gaily prancing, save a little of the pressure for the days you’re on the shelf.

____________

Dec. 10, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Sleeping “Bwana Tumbo”

Sly ol’ “Bwana Tumbo,” he

Jest looks on in silent glee;

Thinkin’ of the Yankee game,

Doesn’t want none of the same.

“Game enough,” says he, “for me

In the jungle, yes sir-ee;

Ain’t no game I want today

In the good ol’ U.S.A.”

Foxy “Bwana Tumbo,” he

Rests upon his battery

Fur away from fire an’ smoke,

Havin’ of his little joke.

Watchin’ of the pull an’ haul,

Tariff an’ the big canawl;

Hasn’t got a word to say

‘Bout the good ol’ U.S.A.

Lively “Bwana Tumbo,” why

He will wake up by an’ by;

He will wake up, eyes aflame,

Teeth together, after game.

Not the jungle elephant

Will ol’ “Bwana Tumbo” want,

But the “G.O.P.” Hooray!

Gunnin’ in the U.S.A.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“It is purty hard work for a well meanin’ pusson uv advanced age to git any comfort out uv the idee thet the good die young.”

______

Fashion Note

Thicker clothing is coming into favor.

______

Feeling Stuck-up

Uncle Sam’s cash is over three billions. Doesn’t that make you feel good? Isn’t it a pleasure to know that you are a member of a firm that has a three billion-dollar capital?  Of course it is. It gives you a feeling of security. It assures you that the old plant is going right along, doing a thriving business, and that there will be no shut-downs for lack of capital, and that there is no danger of its being gobbled up by a world’s trust. Don’t under-rate yourself. Realize that you are working for the greatest and richest firm in existence, and that a part of the three billions is your investment, and when people see you going down the street with your chest thrown out and your chin tipped to an angle of 45, you will be freely forgiven.

______

Cheerful Comment

Great sale of long stockings now going on.

The purpose of the Muse is to amuse.

Another “young” gentleman from Mississippi?

A little more Bible in politics will be still better.

Digging up the original seat of learning may be a rare find.

No, you wouldn’t to sit on the eggs we are getting from China now.

Event of the year is at hand – or rather at foot: Skating on the Frog Pond.

Actor Walker Melville says: “No steam heat for him.” Call round to see us, Walk’.

They’re going to fight it out in that Brownsville war if it takes all summer     and winter.

We are willing to believe that Dr. Cook is something of a traveler, but we don’t believe he can be in Maine and Philadelphia at the same time.

______

Fleeting Joys

The mistletoic days have come,

     The sweetest of the year;

And faces bright are seen each night

     Beneath the chandelier.

O, tarry mistletoic days!

     Why hurry on your way?

O, why not cheer the chandelier

     Forever and a day?

______

Sounds Good

Janitor – Who was dat whistlin’ down de tube?

Helper – Woman on de third floor front wants more steam.

Janitor – Hit de third pipe a couple o’ time wit de hammer.

______

Christmas Cruelty

Hank Stubbs – Lem Hooker says he ain’t goin’ to have none of that durn mistletoe over to his house this year.

Bige Miller – Why not?

Hank Stubbs – Says he couldn’t git a stitch o’ work out’n his daughter the hull week last year; she jest hung round under the hangin’ lamp the hull time.

______

The Common Way

(Contributed.)

Toward her his heart had grown harder,

With love he had ceased to regard her.

          Did he get a divorce?

          It was easy, of course,

For he moved to Reno, Nevarder.

            (In New York.)

The referee in secret retired,

Then brought in the decree she desired.

          Did she want alimony?

That would hardly be “tony.”

That ten millions was all she required.

    Dorchester.                   H. E. F.

____________

Dec. 11, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

His One Best Seller

He wrote and wrote upon a novel,

     Soaked himself in bookish lore;

Stopped to eat a little sandwich,

     Then he wrote and wrote some more.

Thought ‘twould be a “one best seller,”

     Bring him wealth and fame galore.

How he worked and how he polished

     Getting everything down pat!

By a house of reputation

     It was brought out with “éclat.”

But the public wouldn’t have it,

     So the novel fell down flat.

*       *        *        *        *        *

In his attic sat the author,

     Gone his fleeting novel joys;

Now employed with the inventing

     Of crude toys for girls and boys.

Toys to fly and climb and balance,

     Toys to burst and make a noise.

Ah! At last he reached the summit

     Of the great inventor’s goal;

Made an image out of metal

     That would climb a frozen pole.

‘Twas the season’s “one best seller,”

     Now he has a million roll!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Lives uv great men oft remind us where our bosses ought to find us.”

______

Pavement Philosophy

Two wrongs frequently make one sentence.

Love isn’t so blind as it is headstrong.

“Back to the farm” doesn’t mean turning your back upon it.

The old, old story is always new to the majority.

A little gossip now and then is bound to harm the best of men.

After all, you will find certain peculiar people very much like other people.

Open confession may be good for the soul, but it’s awful hard on the listener.

A rose by any other name would smash your income just the same.

Even if the world does owe you a living it expects you to work a bit collecting it.

Don’t judge a man’s wealth by the size of the key to his safety deposit box.

Don’t disturb a sleeping lion; if you’ve got anything to say to him come round after he’s dead.

There are just as good fish in the sea, of course, and that is what keeps us eternally fishing.

______

Politeness a Good Investment

Politeness has again been rewarded. A wealthy Arizona ranch owner, who was helped from a street car and piloted to a railway station by a fair manicurist in Denver has left her $25,000 and other valuable property. If this sort of thing keeps on, politeness will be the principle occupation of the world at large. And it will continue to pay regardless of how common it becomes.

______

Continuous

“What are the follies of 1909?”

“Just like those of any other year; writing love letters, speeding automobiles, rocking the boat, going on thin ice and leaving off overcoats.”

______

Santy’s Busy Day

Ol’ Santa Claus is busy

A makin’ of his toys

Out yender in his workshop

For little girls an’ boys.

An’ if you wanter see him,

To any secret hatch,

Please do it in a hurry,

He’s drove up to the scratch.

____________

Dec. 12, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Satisfactorily Explained

He was a handsome, dashing youth,

     She was a petite miss;

At last he fell, for he was weak,

He planted on the maiden’s cheek

     A quick, resounding kiss.

She quickly brushed the kiss away,

     And blushed becomingly;

Then on the lover’s face was seen

A disappointment deep and keen;

     Her act was mutiny.

“Why rub it off?” he asked of her,

     In accents of despair;

She stammered, prettily to see,

Then said, “I thought perhaps, maybe,

     You’d put   another   there!”

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Some men go round with chips on their shoulders, an’ some with chips in their pockets.”

______

Isn’t It Annoying?

To talk and talk of Christmas shopping

     A month ahead is very nice,

But how does that affect the people

Who cannot early raise the price?

______

Cheerful Comment

Be a good Santa Claus.

Pretty Loose, that Dunkle game.

It takes more than courage to keep up the “Yankee.”

Son Zelaya, as well as papa, has his American troubles.

With cotton jumped $2 a bale it ought at least to be a yard wide.

Even if there is a scientists’ war, it will probably be waged on a scientific plan.

Probably that Southern girl who wanted to save her stockings from the fire had Christmas in view.

A contemporary says: “Poets appear to be born advertisers”; but we have Longfellow’s words for it that “Things are not what they seem.”

One woman wants a divorce because her husband threw hot potatoes at her. Others want divorces because their husbands never hand out any potatoes, and so the world goes.

______

Beware

It’s fun to skate when ice is new,

And boys are prone to do and dare;

But bear in mind, each one of you,

     Your parents have no boys to spare.

______

Babsons’s Bravery

“Naturally, when Babson awakened and heard burglars downstairs, he woke his wife and told her to go down and put the cat out?”

“On the contrary, he pursued very heroic methods. He bravely seized his pistol, raised the street window and discharged the weapon, then locked his bedroom door and waited for the police.”

______

Fine, but No Fruit

“Gee, I wished I lived in the country,” said the little boy, looking contemptuously at the brick pavements.

“Why so?” asked the passerby.

“Just think of all the Christmas trees runnin’ around loose out dere.”

______

For That Big Dinner

William J. Calhoun, the new minister to China, is very much averse to being overbanqueted, and will try to arrange to have the dozen or more banquets to be given in his honor before he sails merged into one, this one to be a “big eat finale.” We don’t know Mr. Calhoun’s capacity, but we can scent danger in a spread of this kind, and respectfully suggest the following emergency outfit: A corps of doctors, massagists and surgeons, half a dozen stomach pumps, case of dyspepsia pills and a walking match for those who are able to do the pedestrian act.

____________

Dec. 13, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Woman Who Deserves

I would not sing, though I’d been stung,

Of woman with a serpent’s tongue;

I fain would turn my gentle muse

Into a more inspiring use.

I would not pen a doleful lay

To bring a moment dull and gray,

But fain would sing, in merry quips,

Of woman with the cherry lips.

Let him who’s slipped upon the rung

Sing of the woman’s serpent tongue;

Let him who’s earned himself the blow

Bring to the world a song of woe.

No serpent’s tongue in dreams of mine;

I would a smile in every line;

I fain would sing in rhapsodies

Of women with the laughing eyes.

The woman with the serpent’s tongue

Pray let her be fore’er unsung;

If she be all the poet tells,

Pray leave her in forgotten cells,

But she who wears a cheerful smile,

Ah! Poetize her all the while.

I fain would give my every line

The woman with the heart divine!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Many a man who hez bet dollars to doughnuts hez wished thet he’d made it plain bread an’ butter.”

______

A No Thank You Couplet

We wouldn’t want to be Zelaya,

Nor yet a candidate for Mayor.

______

Cheerful Comment

Harvard isn’t the only tax dodger, John.

People are shopping just as early as they can afford to.

Would its exponent recommend barefoot dancing for cold feet?

Perhaps if “deer” fatalities weren’t so common they would attract more attention.

A man of Jeffries’ strength ought to be able to help boost the Lexington (Ky.) Y. M. C. A.

Come to think of it now, lots of us either saw or heard that mysterious midnight aeroplane.

With a serious drought at Vassar College the dear things may be forced to drink lemonade.

Aren’t six days in the week enough time for candidates to defeat themselves without bringing Sunday in to make the defeat more heartrending?

Cecil Spooner, the actress, says flirting is a sure cure for indigestion. But there are as many different kinds of flirting as there are different kinds of stomach troubles.

Mme. Guilbert, the French singer, says America is all bluff. She failed to add, however, that it can be forgiven in view of the large number of American dollars that go with the bluff.

____________

Dec. 14, 1909

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Last Call for Winter

O, winter, won’t you please advance,

     Cool off the earth at any rate;

For Tommie wants to use his sled,

     And Johnnie wants to go and skate.

O, never mind about the poor,

     Who have no clothing, fire or food;

Just hurry round and spread the ground

     With snow, and make the skating good.

Please, winter, do not be so shy,

     We’ve waited long and hard for you;

We’ve got a brand new furnace in,

     And want to see what it will do.

O, never mind about the folks

     Who have to wade through slush and snow;

Pa bought today a brand new sleigh,

     We want to see how it will go.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“It’s all right to say ‘cheer up,’ but when a man’s hungry ‘fill up’ sounds better.”

______

“Play Bawl!”

Although ‘tis passing strange please mind,

     While wintry days grow glummer,

Our baseball scraps are not confined

     To golden days in summer.

______

After Aerial Game Now

A dispatch from Washington says that a gun is being designed by ordnance experts for the distinct purpose of shooting dirigible balloons and aeroplanes. Now, isn’t that too bad? Here we are protecting deer and other game, which are really working harm to the farmers, while the government directs the construction of guns that will destroy the game of the air, which everybody knows is extremely scarce. There isn’t even a closed season on balloons and aeroplanes, and if they succeed in building a successful gun, one can readily see that this particular kind of game will become extinct even before it has become plentiful.

______

In Faucet Land

Hank Stubbs – What’s your idee, Bige, of these so-called best sellers?

Bige Miller – My idee of a best seller is the one thet’s got the most bars rolled up side by side.

______

Stand from Under

Folks as a rule would like to be

     On top, for fame and glory,

But when it comes to mistletoe,

     Why, that’s another story.

______

Distant Political Rumbles

A noiseless cannon, people say,

     Would make a “saner Fourth,” they know;

A saner house? Well, anyway,

     It all depends on Uncle Joe.

______

A Dull Outlook

Teacher – I want to impress upon your young minds never to strike the first blow.

Jimmie – In dat case, I don’t see how we are ever goin’ to have any scraps.

______

Pa’s Sleepy Day

“Pa, what do you go to church for?”

“Why    er    to listen to the sermon, of course.”

“That’s what I go for, but I can’t hear it ‘cause you breathe so heavy.”

______

Boston Common

Encompassed round with architectural bands –

Pillars of church and state grandly enshrined

With walls of home and temples of the mind –

Unstained by greed our father’s Common stands;

Still common, common as the heavenly lands.

Each poorest child its birth-right inch may find.

Its little Paradise regained, inclosed, enshrined

From which to stretch to heaven unhampered hands.

Dear democratic acres! Drink thou deep

Celestial dews, replenishing our souls,

Adust with flinty traffic in the street,

Not fresher will the upper gardens leap

Into our longing eyes, nor feel the shining knolls

Of heaven more safe beneath our angel feet.

                                           H. A. KENDALL.

    Somerville.

____________

Dec. 15, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Tale of the Christmas Tree

I am a little Christmas tree,

     Stacked in a city store;

I’ve just come from the country with

     A hundred thousand more.

Upon a hillside I was cut

     And piled upon a dray,

Then put upon a railroad train,

     And here I am today.

Ah, yes, I’ll miss my country friends,

     The rabbits and the birds,

The hunter and the leaping hounds,

     The gentle, browsing herds.

But when I reach the city’s light,

     Where everything is new,

I know I will be happy for

     The good that I can do.

On Christmas morn when I am dressed

     In raiments of good cheer,

All ready for the waiting child,

     I’m very proud, I fear,

‘Tis then I would not wish me back

     Upon the hill, you see

I can bring people greater joy

     When I’m a Christmas tree.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“There is consitterbul danger now thet the av’ridge American farmer will ‘neglect his hoein’ in watchin’ fur aryplanes.”

______

Old New England

Miss Fannie Ward, the actress, says she likes New England better than old. Thus is the stage and the Puritan brought closer together. We take our hat off to Miss Ward; she is a very intelligent and discriminating person. We have never seen old England, but we are perfectly sure it cannot be as nice as New England. We are sure there isn’t any place as nice as New England. Boston is in New England, and we live in Boston, where Miss Ward is now playing. This clever actress failed to mention the West or the South or even the middle states. She said she liked New England better than old. Boston protrudes its chest. New York, Chicago and St. Louis papers please take notice.

______

Guess His Name

(Contributed.)

     There’s an agile politician

     Who’s an expert ‘rithmetrician,

As the campaign he is waging doth progress;

     Strings of figures he will juggle,

     Showing clearly how the struggle

Will result, beyond a doubt, in his success.

     But, though boldly he may reckon

     On the populace to beckon

Him to fill the highest office in the town,

     After voting day forsaken,

     With his faith in people shaken,

He’ll admit it looks as though he’d been turned down.

    Boston.                         EPH KAY.

______

Located at Last

Hiram – Look, Maria, they’s a band of Gypsies goin’ through!

Maria – How much longer is this town goin’ to ‘low them people to come through here bringin’ them moths an’ things?

______

Of No Account

“What is a millionaire, pa?”

“A millionaire, my son, is one of those poor, struggling New Yorkers who can scarcely keep his head above water.”

______

Pennies and Pockets

“A penny saved is a penny earned,”

     A single penny;

A penny saved is a pocket burned

     By very many.

____________

Dec. 16, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Toast to the Mistletoe Girl

      Here’s to the maid

     Who’s never afraid

To stand ‘neath the mistletoe;

     Here’s to the miss

     Who gives back the kiss,

Whether ‘tis wanted or no.   

     Here’s to the lass

     Who looks in the glass,

And sees a cheek blushing rare;

     Who’ll return, weal or woe

     ‘Neath the glad mistletoe,

So that both her cheeks will compare!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“They’s just ez good fish in the sea ez they is in the market, an’ a hull lot fresher.”

______

Cheerful Comment

Spike down your tables, Paladino is coming.

Does the navy want to charge J. J. Astor for hunting him when he didn’t ask it to?

Everybody is satisfied to have the bold Nairobi hunter dine more and shoot less.

Miss Juliette Hero must have been very brave indeed to have thought of entering the Zelaya household.

The man who says he is “fine and dandy” would kick like a steer if you called him one.

We hope the trouble in Nicaragua won’t get to the stage where it will revive the “man behind” literature.

The dyspeptic husbands of this city should have gotten together and paid the fine of the man who had courage enough to break in and steal two pieces of strange pie, for which he was sentenced to two years. It is a hard sentence, two years for two pieces of pie; but some men have been put away for a longer period than that by eating two pieces of pie.

______

Family Secrets

Playmate – What made your mother cry so at your sister’s weddin’?

Tommie – I dunno; always before that she has laughed and laughed ‘cause she thought the engagement was such a good joke on sister’s beau.

______

A Trial Trip

Let us then be up and doing,

     In our brand new aeroplane;

If by chance she goes to skewing

     We will drop to earth again.

______

Twins

A man bought a real oyster stew,

As many misled people dew;

        But joy came to him

        When under the skim

He found not a single, but tew!

______

Her Location

“Why do you call your typewriter a dream?”

“Well, she’s generally nearer ‘dreamland’ than anywhere else.”

______

Parting at the Slide

Bold Jack and Jill went up the hill

     To slide in winter weather;

Jack made a slip, Jill cut her lip –

     No more they slide together.

____________

Dec. 17, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Christmas Secrets

Pa’s goin’ to get a bathrobe red,

     A Christmas gift from ma;

And ma will get a set of furs,

     A Christmas gift from pa.

And sister’ll get a di’mond ring

     From Henry Jones, her beau;

I know I ain’t mistaken, cause

     My sister told me so.

Ma’ll get a handkerchief from me,

     And pa a big cigar;

A box o’ choc’lates sister’ll get

     From me, paid for by pa.

I don’t know what I’m gonter get;

     I wished I did. Ma said

I’d get a lot if I’d just keep

     Their secrets in my head.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“The janitor who kin keep you cool fur the summer an’ warm fur the winter ain’t been born yit.”

______

Carrie and Cupid

Carrie Nation, the George Washington of today, has lately had two proposals of marriage. One of the marvels of the present day is the chance a man will take. There seems to be no limit to his daring when it comes to a question of flirting with fate.  It is no uncommon sight to see a man place his head in the open jaws of a lion or to see him jump from a sky-high balloon. He will even calmly face the engulfing waters of Niagara, but how he can deliberately offer himself on the Nation-al hatchet altar, totally ignorant of the time the cherry tree instrument might be tattooing on his plate glass in his shirt front, is a long distance beyond comprehension. It must be a source of great satisfaction to Carrie, who is doing a smashing business, to have these alluring proposals pouring in, and doubtless if she weren’t so busy in her profession she might be persuaded to listen to the low, sweet voice of Cupid, but as it is, no doubt for a while the little shivering youngster will plead all in vain. Doubtless if our “first lady smasher of the land” would listen to anybody upon this delicate topic, it would be to some prosperous hardware manufacturer.

______

Before and After

They say it comes but once a year,

And when it comes it brings good cheer;

But what it leaves along its trail

I try to write, but always fail.

______

Cheerful Comment

Warm and cold waves waver.

Give up the next seven days to Santa Clausing.

Zelaya has resigned, but Nicaragua isn’t.

Do as you would have been done by when you were a child.

There isn’t much promise in a political “If I am elected.”

It is high time the jokes about the Christmas spirit in bottles were canned.

Employees of the Waltham watch factory are going to take some “time” off.

High time for some one else to hatch up a lie either for or against Dr. Cook.

Young Zelaya tries to excuse himself by saying, “Love is a fanciful mood.” Miss Hero thinks it about a $100,000 mood.

The fact that Mrs. Brokaw spent $3000 for hats the first year of her married life unfortunately may tend to make many a young man timid about securing a hat wearer.

______

What’s In a Name?

Christmas by any other name

Would pinch your salary the same.

______

Where Johnnie Stood

Mamma – Come here, Johnnie, and I’ll read to you about the holidays of long, long ago.

Johnnie – But, mamma, ‘tain’t the gone-by Christmases I wanter hear about!

______

The English Suffragette

(Watsonian style.)

She is no prude, nor a coquette,

The woman who’s a suffragette;

To you a stranger, if she speaks,

‘Tis “Votes for Women” that she seeks.

For her there’s nothing too absurd,

If by such means she may be heard.

Through windows stones she often throws,

Or with a whip deals statesmen blows.

Such tantrums queer can hardly fail

To land her finally in jail,

Where prison garb she will not wear,

Or touch a bit of prison fare.

But though she does refuse to eat,

This stern rebellion they do defeat.

So thus her name gets in the press,

But makes few converts is our guess.

She win those “votes? Well, not just yet,

The woman who’s a suffragette.

    Dorchester.                      H. E. F.

______

A Surface View of It

“I never lose any sleep over the fact that beauty is only skin deep,” said Mrs. Powderly, with a marked degree of assumption.

“Why not?” asked her friend, timidly.

“With men, seeing is believing, so that any beauty below the skin would avail us of nothing.”

____________

Dec. 18, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Uncle Ezra Says:

“In view uv the stuff a feller gits fur Christmas nowadays, is it better to be a bach an’ git loads uv it, or be a married man an’ git nothin’?”

______

Trying to Forget

“Of course,” said the man who knows, “the Christmas tree gets trimmed to a certain extent, but as compared with some of us – well, what are you going to have?”

______

Who Can Tell?

I ponder night and day upon

     A subject high and mighty;

My thoughts e’er since I saw the light

     Have been both deep and flighty.

Decide I cannot, so I send

     My problems out promisc’ous:

Would Santy Claus be Santy Claus

     Without his cotton whiskers?

______

Pavement Philosophy

Lots of fish never get the hook.

A stitch in time makes business for the jeweler.

Everybody hopes the Christmas tree buds won’t get a frost.

A snowball in the hand is worth two under the coat collar.

A man who can’t take a joke will sometimes accept money.

A kiss under the mistletoe doesn’t equal one under the nose.

Ever notice how few people have “Washington” for a last name?

A little ice, thin as slate, is bad on which to try to skate.

Man shall not live by bread alone, but meat is simply out of the question.

A man is in the best of training who can laugh at a joke he has heard before.

______

Uncle Ezra’s Christmas Sayings

Christmas is what you make it; not what you pay fur.

The Christmas horn is a horn uv plenty ef it hap’ns to be a thin one.

Good, big, plump, well filled stockings come high this time uv year, but we must have ‘em.

Santy Claus is the only pack peddler who hez no terrors fur natterly timid children.

The longer the baby holds his stick uv candy the more it resembles a candy stick.

One uv the redeemin’ features uv the Christmas misfit bizniz is the absence uv an after-holiday sale,

A big hole in a Christmas stockin’ is parfectly excusable pervidin’ it’s in the right place, the top.

Christmas comes but once a year, but it’s a long time comin’, an’ a consitterbul longer time goin’.

It is perfectly right an’ just thet a startled girl ahould show surprise when she hez accidentally stepped under the mistletoe.

Behold Santy Claus! He don’t spend a great sight on his raiment, yit Solomon in all his glory looked like a punctured tire beside him.

______

A Christmas Puzzle

Why does the little girl – or big –

     Object to bearded faces

Coming in contact with her own

     At countless times and places,

When at this season of the year

     She even sweetly pauses,

Nor makes a murmur of complaint

     At feeling Santa Claus’s?

____________

Dec. 19, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Shouting Time

(Editorial Verse from the “Gungawamp Advocate.”)

 The world is growing better, boys, no matter what they say,

The world is growing brighter and it’s growing ev’ry day;

And if you want a proof of it, gaze on our happy tears,

An old subscriber’s just been in and paid up his arrears!

 This is a land of plenty, boys, no matter what they say;

We’ll shout the cry of freedom, and we’re all a-feeling gay;

We send a hallelujah to the countless other spheres;

An old subscriber’s just been in and paid up his arrears!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Christmus of’n hez a good deal to do with a man’s swearin’ off smokin’ at New Years.”

______

Cheerful Comment

Bon voyage to the “Christmas ship”!

That rubber deal report may be stretched.

Here’s hoping labor will fill the Ludlow stockings.

An advt. says, “Turkeys lower!” If is high time they saw the error of their ways.

If Capt. Bartlett makes a try for the South pole we insist that a second white man be a part of his outfit.

It cost a Bangor (Me.) man six months to swear in Polish. Serves him right for not learning to do it in English.

Here is a good chance for Papa Zelaya to bring about a good feeling between his family and the United States by paying Miss Hero that $2000 verdict.

The papers say that Hingham may be fortified. Not the least danger of its ever being captured by strangers. Our experience has been that Hingham is hard to discover by a native born.

______

Holiday Caution

When I give pa a present I

     Do so with lots o’ care;

Ma told me what I orter buy

     Was somethin’ nice to wear.

But I shan’t buy no slippers, though,

     For daddy, no sir-ee,

For fear he’ll rise some day in woe

     And hand one back to me!

______

Plight of the Cow

The white and milky way which to gentle cow has long travelled in peace and honor is soon to be full of sharp turns and rough places, it is feared. At least that is the way it looks from this side of the fence. A New York man has accused his Holstein cow of being guilty of delivering milk below the standard. He claims her stock is watered and that he isn’t responsible for any of her up-to-date rouguery. The cow has been tried and found guilty. The dairyman in question and the yard pump have been acquitted and the blame fixed on the thing higher up, the cow. She kicked at the decision and tried to give the jury the hook, but she only got deeper in the mire. Now will the average dairyman, when interviewed by the milk inspector, point his finger at the defenseless bossy and say, “I am innocent, she done it herself.” Isn’t this a pretty mess the average cow finds herself is? Where is her chance for justice? How can she prove an alibi? There is but one thing for her to do, and that is to stop drinking water. But can she do it without injury to her health and best interests? If not, what then? She will have to find some means of earning an honest living other than delivering milk to a fussy lot of people who are afraid of a little pure water in theirs.

______

A Christmas Saw

A little sprig of mistletoe,

     Say now and then,

Is relished by the girls, we know,

     And best of men.

______

Pitching a Curve

Game Warden – This deer was found dead on your premises, and yet you deny that you killed it?

Farmer – Waal, it happened like this: My wife was throwin’ a stun at the hens, an’ some way the deer, which was feedin’ round back o’ the barn, got hit.

______

Star in the Desert

(Contributed.)

Cloudy is the Desert,

     All the long day of doubt;

But at the evening twilight

     A splendid star looks out.

Then suddenly ‘tis glory

     Where all was gloom before;

And all the day’s past sorrow

     Remembered is no more.

Somerville.                       H. A. K.

____________

Dec. 20, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Modern Boy’s Christmas Letter

Dear Santa Clause: Please don’t bring me

     The same old things this time;

I’m tired of toys that make a noise

     And picture books that rhyme.

I’m tired of woolly dogs and cats,

     And rubber dolls that squeal;

If you’re to bring me anything

     Please, Santa, make it real.

I want no more of make-believe;

     I’m eight years old, you see;

Those silly toys will do for boys

     Not near as old as me.

I want a special parlor car,

     A private railroad track;

A silver mine, an airship line

     From here to Mars and back.

A wireless outfit, if you please,

     Put in your poor old sleigh;

You see, I might want you at night,

     Or any time of day.

In fact, dear Santa, bring the earth;

     Naught else for me will do;

And after I select the pie,

     I’ll give the plate to you.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“It is funny, but amazin’ true, thet friends stick the least to the man who’s the most stuck up.”

______

Evidently Not a Bargain

Judith – What would you think of a fellow who waits till the night after Christmas before he proposes?

Mabel – I should consider him a left-over present that somebody didn’t want.

______

Unexcelled Strength

(Contributed.)

Samson was a mighty man of strength,

     History explains his last strong act;

Pulled a building down upon his head,

     Killed himself and others – what a fact!

Writers wrote about another man,

     His acts, too, were of muscular style;

Graphically they say of one Caesar

     That, “He threw a bridge across the Nile!”

     Boston.                           Judson Bisco.

______

Cheerful Comment

Every strike isn’t a hit.

What Nicaragua needs most is a good spanker.

Cook’s friends are doing the best they can for him, without any help from Cook.

Hope that &1,000,000 Christmas sugar gift won’t be any above Parr.

If Poet Watson is weak mentally how in the world can he hit so hard?

The political cigar and the Christmas cigar are nearer than first cousins.

Fifty thousand lobsters have already arrived in Boston for Christmas. Don’t be mistaken for one of them.

When those airship cases come to trial will they be held in the upper chamber?

If a candidate cannot be elected without Sunday campaigning he deserves defeat.

Sixty million dollars in Christmas cash has been sent abroad. That means that our good times here make good times elsewhere.

After the strike of the shirt waist makers is over the shirt waist buyers should strike to have them button in front.

Associated Press directors listened to speeches 225 miles off. Would that some of the speeches we have to listen to beat that record 1000 miles!

______

Her Inspiration

“Who told your daughter she could sing?”

“Nobody, but lots of people have told her she couldn’t, and that’s why she keeps at it.”

____________

Dec. 21, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Uncle Ezra Says:

“One good turn under the mistletoe deserves another.”

______

Modern Scripture

What does it profit a man if he gain the whole world and lose the pole?

______

Smoking in Bed

Yes, it’s jolly good fun to smoke in bed. If you don’t believe it try it. There have been several successful instances of late.  Can you picture anything more cosey than a tired, hard-worked body, clad in pink pajamas, reclining at full length, with smoke issuing from the mouth in large romantic rings toward the far-off ceiling? It must be great, especially in winter when the room is cold. There’s always a little fire where there’s smoke, and here comes the warming part of it. You roll sleepily over on your side and let the pipe or cigar take its own course. If it is a good cigar or a strong pipe it will be right on its job. In a few moments you will begin to warm up. Soon the other occupants of the house will find out about your warming-up party and will ask the fire department in to participate. If there is enough left of you to make it worth while friends are asked in to take their last look. In any case you are well prepared for the reception that awaits you if your life hasn’t been all that it should have been,

______

A Fair Exchange

When Christmas comes, and dearie plays

     Upon you one of her sweet jokes

By giving you, as she will do,

     A box of choicest Christmas smokes,

Why do you not retaliate?

     Go to one of the stores that sell

False hair, and buy a good supply,

     And give her Christmas puffs as well.

______

Cheerful Comment

O sugar! Parr shouldn’t worry.

It’s all right to shop, but not to lift.

Which one is the logical “1915” candidate?

When the divorce comes butlers and other servants are a nuisance.

It looks very much as though Dr. Cook had eloped with his own worst enemy.

Nat Turner says that he is the only poor aspirant in the field. Wait till it’s all over!

______

The Night Before

(Contributed.)

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and in all the stores

The clerks were all jumping to wait on the scores

Who’d put off their shopping until the last minute,

And must now buy their gifts or they wouldn’t be in it.

For if Henry or Charlie of Jenny or Lou

Didn’t get any presents they would feel very blue.

Few found what they wanted and were sorry they came, But you’ll find that next year they’ll do just the same.

Now tomorrow and next day tired clerks get a rest,

And we hope that their stockings are filled with the best.

O, ain’t it a blessing the two days come together?

More strenuous shopping they hardly could weather!

    Dorchester                               H. E. F.

______

Smoke Nuisance in Gungawamp

Hank Stubbs – Gabe Perkins says the cities are goin’ to do away with the smoke nuisance.

Bige Miller – Yes, Gabe’s wife was askin’ my wife ef she thought the arrangement was one thet could be fitted on to Gabe.

____________

Dec. 22, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

While You Sleep

     There’s an ending to the daytime,

     There’s the working and the playtime,

There’s an end to every pleasure and an end to every game;

     There’s an end to joy and sorrow,

     And to yesterday, tomorrow,

But your whiskers, they keep growing just the same.

     There’s a stoppage to the seasons,

     For apparently no reasons,

Seasons come and seasons vanish in this never settled clime;

     Friends they comfort you and grieve you,

     Come to visit you and leave you,

But your whiskers, they keep coming all the time.

     There’s an end to tiresome joking,

     There’s an end to fragrant smoking,

There’s an end to all affection when your heart has lost its flame;

     There’s a stoppage to your thinking,

     To your eating and your drinking,

But your whiskers, they keep growing just the same.

     You may shave and shave each morning

     At the starting of the dawning,

You may shave till twilight deepens, and you light the tallow flame;

     You may singe and pull and rub them,

     You may get a bat and club them,

But your whiskers will keep coming just the same.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“A good dispersition in ez necessary ez money to take on a Christmas shoppin’ experdition.”

______

An Anti-Santa Claus Club

Trenton (N. J.) young ladies have organized an Anti-Santa Claus Club. They have sent broadcast their determination to give no presents and to receive none. This is not only hard on the young men of Trenton, but means “Copenhagen” for poor old Santa Claus. (“Copenhagen,” in the new vernacular, means “thrown down,” or “claims unsustained.”) To think that Santa Claus should suffer at the hands of a body of charming young ladies is almost beyond belief. This means so many less stockings hung the night before in the city of Trenton. And of what use is a pretty stocking if it cannot be seen? If this idea spreads and becomes prevalent, we, for one, will discontinue the Santa Claus role.

______

Christmas Giving

When you tip the burdened postmen,

    And they surely burdened are,

How about the cramped conductor

    On the crowded Christmas car?

When you hand your fare this morning,

    ‘Tis a trifling thing to do,

Drop an extra nickel, wishing

    Him a Merry Christmas, too.

O, the janitor’s deserving,

    And the newsboys always are;

Also is the worn conductor

    On the crowded Christmas car.

______

Cheerful Christmas Comment

Don’t leave it all to Santa Claus.

Don’t keep your Christmas spirit bottled.

Santa Claus makes a fine old Chimney sweep, anyway.

Girls are bound to drift under the influence of the mistletoe.

The little Christmas green isn’t a seaweed, but ut sees a lot of smacks.

This is the time of year when husbands and wives may properly hide much from one another.

Blessed is the person who doesn’t keep track of the number of presents she receives.

It is much more blessed to give than to receive, if only you can keep the receiving part of it out of your head.

______

“I Told You So”

I was for Cook, you were against,

     And now my heart is full of woe;

What e’er you do to cause me pain,

     Don’t come and say, “I told you so.”

Whene’er we meet I’ll make it right,

     You’ll taste the best that experts know;

But please don’t speak the doctor’s name,

     And do not say, “I told you so.”

____________

Dec. 23, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Best Present

What would I like for Christmas?

     Quite carelessly you ask;

This picking out of presents

     Is something of a task.

There is so much of beauty,

     So many wondrous things;

Yet round one simple picture

     My fondest mem’ry clings.

My answer it is ready:

     Of all the joys I know

I’d rather have “her presence”

     Beneath the mistletoe!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Lots uv men are fust rate farmers when it comes to sowin’ wild oats.”

______

Literary Note

Big type and italics are all right in a good poem, but they only emphasize the badness in a bad one.

______

The Scarcity of Hen Fruit

A dispatch from Burlington, N. J., states that one Judge Wooden, as a result of a $100 wager, ate forty eggs in exactly six minutes. This judge is well named. Doubtless it accounts for the fact that he is alive to tell the tale. But how does he stand in the realm of the hen? Can he look a hen in the eye and feel no compunction? Here the biddie has been laying herself out for months past to supply the crying demand for eggs and this man, at one fell swoop, devours her labors of forty days! It is an injustice on the hen, and we wish to go on record as saying that this man is no good judge of right and wrong. While life for him is one grand omelet we are eating pork and beans because eggs are selling for 60 cents a dozen. Little wonder that eggs are high, and hens shrink from doing their duty. We don’t wish to deprive Judge Wooden of any of the comforts of life, but we wish he would let up on this egg extermination till the market becomes normal, or else start a little egg plant of his own.

______

Of Course He Will

(Contributed.)

When his Christmas stocking Tommy

     Finds with toys bursting through,

Will the greedy kidlet murmur:

     “Gee, I wish I’d hung up two!”

     Boston.                        EPH KAY

______

Cheerful Comment

Maybe this mysterious airshipman is Santy.

Last call for large and holeless stockings.

White Christmas of green Christmas so long as it’s Christmas.

Mrs. Watson says William’s mental balance is exact, and she ought to know.

Would it be polite for Chairman Ellis to rise and offer his seat to a woman?

The Record asks: “How big a pork barrel does a $16,000 pig pen make?” Wee don’tt knoww.

The United States Steel Corporation gives back to its employees $2,000,000 this year. The Steel Corporation has a soft spot after all.

The government has a new, big gun 53 feet long. There are lots of guns around, who think they are big, who are under 6 feet.

______

The Reason Why

(Contributed.)

“Christmas comes but once a year,”

And when I know it’s almost here

I’m just as good as I can be,

So all the grown-up folks can see

I just deserve the games and toys

That Santa brings to most good boys.

And once when I was bound to know

What mother was a-hiding so,

I made believe ‘at I was bad,

And mother, she looked awful sad,

“Now, Jonathan,” she says to me,

“I’m afraid I can’t hang on the tree

The present that I had for you;

It’s just the one you wanted, too.”

And then I knew that it would pay

If I was good all through the day.

So when things bothered or went wrong,

I recollected ‘twasn’t long

Before would shine the Christmas sun,

And everything was worth the fun.

But after Christmas had gone past,

And I had all my things at last,

I had to be good, just the same,

To pay for all the things that came.

That’s why I laugh when people say:

“He’s a good boy, that Johnnie Day,”

‘Cause they don’t know the reason why,

Nor what it was that made me try.

       EDITH FARRINGTON SHAW.

    West Medford.

____________

Dec. 24, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

A Christmas Carol

(Contributed.)

I.

“Christmas comes but once a year,”

     Heighho, the holly!

Lo! At last the day is here,

     And O, be jolly!

Drive care away and silly fear,

Unwrinkle brow and throat-latch clear;

Coax out a smile, and to the rear

     Send melancholy.

Brown the goose and lard the steer,

Stuff the capon, carve the deer,

Draw the wine flask, (not too near),

And pledge the season, O, how dear,

     To mirthful folly!

II.

Bring the tell-tale evergreen,

     And mistletoe,

Whose secret rights, unsight, unseen,

Prompt rosy blush or smile serene –

     (Meg’s kissed, I know!)

Let dance and music intervene,

A lively show on pleasure’s screen;

Just see that nimble, dancing queen –

     My, don’t she go!

‘Tis just the old-time thrill, I ween,

When you were barely turned 18,

And I was frolic, brisk and keen,

The other day; alas! I mean

     Ages ago!

III.

Youth must fly, but joy remains,

     And hope stays, too;

Beauty blossoms on our plains,

And happiness can count her gains

     Both old and new.

Religion, as the pageant wanes,

Renews her strength and deigns

Solace for past and present pains;

     O, bliss most true!

Love, last in loyal bosoms reigns

To glorify life’s casual stains,

Till, lapsing gently in our veins,

Life’s current to its sea attains –

     Time’s journey through!

   Somerville.     H. A. KENDALL.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Shun evil companions. Ef you can’t stand your own comperny, shake yourself.”

______

A Commercial Poet

Potter was a long-headed, short-haired poet. He had an eye to business. “Write a poem on Christmas and, in case it proves unavailable, have it on my hands for a whole year?” said he. “Not so you would notice it,” he reflected, poetically. “Why not construct a poem in such a manner that it would have more than one chance? Why have one’s left-overs dead on one’s hands for a year? This is a commercial age. Shakespeare and the boys before him could afford such things. A year or two, or five, was nothing to them. They had no automobiles to keep in repair, or pants to be pressed twice a week. Don’t mistake my meaning: Of course they had pants, but they weren’t expected to have them pressed oftener than once a year. Neither were they themselves so pressed for time, nor by their creditors, as are poets nowadays.

“To return to the subject. Take the following poem: It is written apparently for Christmas, and at first sight makes a very respectable Christmas poem. I am speaking more particularly of magazine poetry, as it is built nowadays. There is a great difference between poetry and magazine poetry. The poem:

EAT, DRINK AND BE MERRY

It comes but once a year, dear friends,

How swiftly do years go by!

It brings to us good cheer, dear friends,

     For which we thank the one most high.

Pray let us dance and sing, dear friends,

     Proclaim our gladness far and nigh;

Each one must have his fling, dear friends,

     And Christmas cheer, e’en wet or dry.

“In case the editor fails to discover the merit of the poem and ruthlessly gives it the ‘go by,’ I simply take it and strike out the last line and substitute the following, which immediately transfers it into a stirring New Year’s poem:

‘So ring the bells both loud and high.’

“Again, should the editor fail to stumble upon the real worth of the poem as a New Year’s offering, or should it not lack merit but be found ‘unavailable through any one of a number of reasons,’ I hold it over till about the first of May, when I fashion it for a patriotic Fourth of July poem by substituting for the last line the following:

‘And send his rocket to the sky.’

“But the end is not yet,” went on Potter, aglow with enthusiasm. “If the Fourth of July columns are crowded, much to the regret of the editor, just see how nicely it would come in as a Thanksgiving poem – the last line to read:

‘At turkey breast and pumpkin pie!’

“Thus you see I have endless chances and the labor of writing but one poem. This is a commercial age, as I said before, and we must forget the artistic temperament and rise to meet it. Less grubbing and more money, is my motto. By the way, can you lend me a quarter so I can get my laundry? Thanks, old fellow; I’ve got to attend a dinner this evening and want to look respectable, you know,” and Potter hurried towards the elevator.

______

Bijah Brown’s Christmas Poem

Bijah wrote a Christmas story and he sent it right away

In a fever of excitement to the magazines that pay;

Back and back it came, in order, till it looked like thirty cents,

Then he put it in the fireplace, and regretted his expense.

Then he wrote a Christmas poem, one that seemed to him all right,

Picturing the ride of Santa through the long and frosty night;

But it came back, like the story, to the hand that sent it out,

And exactly like the story, by the by went up the spout.

Yet again a mood o’ertook him, quite hilarious was he,

And some Christmas jokes he fashioned which were full of mirth and glee;

But, alas! The mighty powers failed to see the humor there,

And the joke was on poor Bijah, who was tempted sore to swear.

“By the Gods of rhyme and story!” said he in his black despair,

“I will send a contribution they will publish anywhere.”

So he took his pen and paper, with a countenance most bland,

And he wrote his verse as follows, in a bold and lucid hand:

                                   

         (To the Editor of the Morning Accident:)

“Here’s a check for twenty dollars

     For the needy of your town,

Please accept with kindest wishes,

     Your servant,      Bijah Brown.”

______

Attention!

He – Do you think all is fair in love and war?

She – I have never been in war.

______

Parental Insight

“Pa, what is heaping coals of fire?”

“Something the janitor has never learned, son.”

______

Doc. Knows

“Doctor, what is injurious smoking?”

“Smoking anything that’s handed you.”

____________

Dec. 25, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The World’s Living

“The world owes me a living,”

     The young man said one day;

“Why should I have misgiving,

     As, strolling on my way

Through life, I would collect it?

     ‘Tis ever due to date;

The world and all expect it,

     Why should I hesitate?”

“The world owes me a living,”

     He cried from day to day;

“I hope to feel its giving

     Before I pass away.”

And yet, old age o’ertook him

     Devoid of meat and bread;

Friends died, or else forsook him,

     And he was numbered dead.

The world owes not a living

     To any human soul;

It is the mortal striving

     Who comes anear the goal.

‘Tis only wise endeavor

     That nails the colors fast;

Ambition is the lever

     That raises us at last.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Lives uv rich men oft remind us we should leave some good behind us.”

______

Pavement Philosophy

“Swearing off” is a habit many take on.

Some who turn over a new leaf should stand on it.

The man who feels stuck up certainly can’t feel comfortable.

Lots of folks dig their own graves, then want someone else for filling.

Sometimes the middle is broken in trying to make both ends meet.

Ashes in the cellar will never prevent a man from breaking his neck on the pavement.

Of course, the camera won’t lie, but it can’t undo the work of the clever facial artist.

Some are born tired, some acquire tiredness, and some thrust their tiredness upon others.

There’s no such thing as kissing a pretty girl against her will, if you are the right scoundrel.

If everybody tried to mend their ways the repair shops would be working overtime.

When they are in the act of turning it over, most everybody rustles the new leaf so that their friends can hear it.

Answer to a query: Rubber plants do their best in a half-curtained window where there is a good view up and down the street.

______

Holiday Reveries

When the Christmas days are over, and you’re living deep in clover, with the pantry full of goodies, and your presents are all sent, do you sit and wonder nightly, while the fires are burning brightly, where have gone your hard-earned dollars which you foolishly have spent? That is not the Christmas spirit, it is really nowhere near it; just forget the Christmas shopping and the stuffy, crowded store; just forget the empty wallet, or whatever you may call it, and look forward to the coming of the brighter days before.

Look you forward to the New Years, to the happy if but few years, and resolve to be a better man or woman, girl or boy, and tell trouble, care and worry not to be in any hurry; you have turned your pages over and they now are spelling “joy.” Let your New Year be a glad one, turn your back upon the bad one, let the Christmas spirit leave you in an edifying mood; ring the New with purpose higher, twang the golden threaded lyre, then the teachings of the season will have done you worlds of good.

____________

Dec. 26, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Advertising Returns

His wife had left his bed and board,

     Because they couldn’t get along;

“I cannot live with him,” she said,

     “Although he’s really done no wrong.”

And then she purchased this and that,

     And had the bills sent home to him;

At last he grew quite furious,

     It made his wages look so skim.

He went down to the paper man

     And left this ad. without delay:

“Whereas my wife has left my home

     Without just cause, I shall not pay

Another bill she may contract,”

     Signed, “Yours truly, Jason True”;

He then went to his lonely hearth

     To see what good the ad would do.

One night a rap came to his door,

     His wife stood ready to come in;

“I cannot live without you, dear,”

     She said, and Jason gave a grin.

He took her in and made some tea,

     And life once more was paradise;

Said Jason to the paper man:

     “It pays, I swun, to advertise.”

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Takin’ an umbrella ain’t allus stealin’, ‘cuz it may be you’rn an’ you not know it.”

______

That Sitatunga

Kermit’s killed a sitatunga

For to satisfy his hunger.

Brought it down with his big rifle;

Laughs and says ‘tis but a trifle.

Kermit is a jungle hero,

Bigger than the mighty Nero.

All the natives stare and wonder

At the sitatunga plunder.

Then they dance and loudly term it

A prodigious feat for Kermit.

Kermit is “high hook” already,

Beating out his papa Teddy;

Best for old Bwana Tumbo

Is a lion and a Jumbo!

______

School-Day Episode

(Contributed.)

Teacher (to new boy) – Johnny, why are you scratching your head?

Johnny – Because, teacher, I’m the only one in the room who knows it itches.

______

Rewards

The cobbler was an honest man,

     He always did his duty;

The plunks he got from mending shoes

     He wisely called his booty.

                              – Columbia Jester.

Sheep raising was the ranchman’s trade;

     He had uncommon luck,

And every ten-spot that he made

     He spoke of as a buck.

                                     – American.

But when you talk of getting rich,

     Those fellows are dead slow;

You ought to see our baker man

     Proceed to raise the dough!

______

A Literary Existence

Anxious mother – But do you think you can make a living off there in the city, my son?

Son – I’m sure of it, mother, if you will but pay my board and lodging.

_______

The “Would-Be’s”

(Contributed.)

Ten would-be mayors, all standing on the line;

One didn’t get a start, and then there were nine.

Nine would-be mayors, sorely tempting fate;

One said, “What’s the use?” Then there were eight.

Eight would-be mayors for the city’s leaven;

One said, “I’ve got the dough,” then there were seven.

Seven would-be mayors found they couldn’t mix’

One drew the color line, then there were six.

Sic would-be mayors for their places strive;

One was short of signers, then there were five.

Five would-be mayors, glad there were no more;

One was forcibly detained, then there were four.

Four would-be mayors now their finish see;

One of them will cut no ice; call the number three.

Three would-be mayors, there’s a choice for you!

Why doesn’t one withdraw, leaving only two?

Two would-be mayors sure to make the run;

When the votes are counted there will be but one.

One would-be mayor has left off the “would”;

Hear the others saying: “How we wish we could!”

   Dorchester.                             H. E. F.

______

Call of the Wild

I wouldn’t want to be

The under dog, not me;

For I am just the sort of chap

Who would rather win the scrap

Than the public sympathy.

____________

Dec. 27, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Airshipitis

When the world is goin’ wrong,

An’ you’ve lost your thread of song,

When the fates have been unkind,

Worried body, soul an’ mind,

When you’re downcast, let your eye

Turn its focus on the sky;

Maybe you will ketch a sight

Of an airship in its flight.

When you cannot fall asleep,

Troubles wrack you dark an’ deep,

When you roll from side to side

With your eyelids open wide,

Do not lie all night an’ swear

Walk into the open air;

Look above, perhaps you’ll sight

Airships sailing through the night.

Ef you want to happy be

You must look up, yes, sir-ee;

Look above the common things

Which the daily routine brings.

Tip your chin an’ let your eye

Sweep the thickly peopled sky;

There you’ll see, unless you’re blind,

Airships sailin’ – in your mind.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“The height uv folly ain’t allus reached by a long ladder.”

______

In Freak Vodeveel

“You want to do a turn in our house, eh?” queried the white-vested manager of the battered looking object who crept in at the stage door; “well, what did you ever do?”

“What did I ever do?” repeated the spasm producer, disgustedly, “what did I ever do? Say, I have counted every tie from Frisco to Portland, Me. I have been in 20 successful railroad smashups, four mine explosions, three shipwrecks, I have set fire to a dozen buildings, been a model fer a dozen noted pugilists, have been a dummy for patent street car fenders an’ have been  pinched more times dan you’ve got di’monds in yer shirt front, an’ am alive to tell de tale. What have I done? Say, added to that which I have already told you I have      ”

“All right,” interrupted the manager, “we can place you.”

______

The Seven Immortals

In this hurrying age there is more or less excuse for the impatience of youth. As far back as 1880 we recollect reading, in the little old red schoolhouse on the hill, of the “Seven Immortals,” namely, “Longfellow, Lowell, Holmes, Hawthorne, Emerson, Whittier and Thoreau.” It might have been from a book entitled, “Literary Bypaths of New England,” or possibly, “Visits to the Homes of Favorite Authors,” or perhaps, “Famous Authors I have known,” etc., etc., but in any case the list never went beyond the “Seven Immortals, “Longfellow, Lowell, Holmes, Hawthorne, Emerson, Whittier and Thoreau.” When we, ourselves, began teaching in the same old schoolhouse, we taught the young ideas, since we couldn’t do otherwise, that the great literary lights of New England were still the same seven, “Longfellow, Lowell, Holmes, Hawthorne, Emerson, Whittier and Thoreau.” New editions have been put out and scores of new books have been written covering the same subject, but the same “Immortal Seven” have held their own. Time had not added a single one or taken one away. At this late day, with the gray creeping into our once jet-black hair, and with the unmistakable stoop of old age upon us as we go prowling among the shelves and dark corners of the numerous book stores, looking for a volume that will acquaint us with a larger circle of famous New England authors, we close the last book with a sigh, for we have again seen the seven magic names, the old Seven Immortals, “Longfellow, Lowell, Holmes, Hawthorne, Emerson, Whittier and Thoreau!”

______

Next

“Man wants but little here below,”

     Thus saith the ancient song;

There’s one sad thing about it, though –

     He gets that little wrong.

               – Chicago Record-Herald.

And if he gets that little right,

     He’s such a pesky kind

That having nothing more in sight

     Destroys his peace of mind.

             – Birmingham Age-Herald.

“Man wants but little here below”

     As he makes his little march,

He tries to grab the sugar, though,

     When the trust hands out the starch.

                         – St. Louis Times.

“Man wants little here below,”

     A little for a while;

For little shake-downs here and there

     In time make quite a pile.

               – Philadelphia Telegraph.

Man gets but little here below,

     You bet your bottom “D”

Providing his competitor’s

     A smarter man than he.

______

Advice to the Tardy

Time has a value known by none

     Save him who has a deal to do;

Talk business until it’s done,

     Make your escape when you are through.

______

Information from the Hub

“What is a literary bent?”

     Asked little Plaighto Cooke;

To which his father did reply:

     “A literary crook.”

______

Labor-Saving Scheme

There’s this about new rubbers

     That generally suits:

You, whenever you can wear them,

     Don’t have to shine your boots.

____________

Dec. 28, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Soja Bean Cow

“I’m a-goin’ to sell my cow;

Ain’t no use to keep her now;

Ain’t no use a-gittin’ out

‘Fore daylight, or thereabout,

Feedin’, milkin’, cleanin’ stalls,

Bundled up in overalls.

No sir-ee,” said Amos Green,

“I shall plant a Soja bean.”

“In the papers I hev seen

In Japan they hev a bean

You kin plant an’ raise an’ boil,

With a mighty little toil;

Then you kin squeeze out, I swow,

Milk ez good ez any cow;

Milk that’s white an’ pure an’ clean

Frum the Japan Soja bean.”

“What’s the use a-raisin’ hay

Foolin’ all your time away?

What’s the use a-doin’ chores

When you jest could stay indoors,

Settin’ by the stove, an’ boil

All your milk an’ save your toil?

“No sir-ee,” said Amos Green,

“I shall plant a Soja bean.”

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“They’s enough energy wasted in talkin’ after an argerment is settled to run ha’f the machinery uv the communerty.”

______

Cheerful Comment

Sometimes hockey leads to “hookey.”

Are we being located by airship scouts from Mars?

“Beautiful snow” depends altogether on where it is located.

The dusky African will see a different type of game getter if Buffalo Jones hits the jungle with his lariat.

Whiskey and consumption have exterminated the entire tribe of Lumni Indians excepting three members. Everybody agrees that consumption ought to be fought.

If Mme. Steinheil’s book should prove to be a “best seller,” and she should become a “head liner” in “vodeveel,” she should soon be the red widow of easy street.

People who don’t follow the literary route very closely are buying Beatrice Harraden’s “Ships That Pass in the Night,” thinking it has something to do with the mysterious night flyer that is causing so many neckaches around Boston.

______

Investigating Committee

Where is the bright, new painted toy

     Which Johnnie got on Christmas morn?

It’s in the battered ash can now,

     With its inside workings gone.

Oh yes, he liked the toy right well,

     But he was not quite satisfied

Until he took the axe to see

     Just how the thing was built inside.

______

Johnnie’s Sister

Goodman – If there is a couple, and you take away one, how many are left?

Johnnie – Well, if you mean sister Jane, and you take away her best feller, there ain’t anything left but a bundle of dumps till he shows up again.

______

He Ought to Have Known

“Do you love me enough to marry me, dear?”

“How can you ask that, Henry, when I love you enough to risk my life in your machine.”

______

Too Fair to Suit

Hank Stubbs – Ev’rybuddy orter lay up somethin’ fur a rainy day.

Bige Miller – I s’pose thet’s the reason they’s so much kickin’ over the drought.

______

The Song of Linen

Ring out the old, ring in the new,

And tear the habits all askew’

That’s what the laundry does each day,

For which the wrung one has to pay.

____________

Dec. 29, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Track of White

Ahead, a fairy track of white,

     Behind, a mellow moon;

A noble steed with life and speed,

     Through wood and past lagoon.

A tingling frost, a whitened world,

     An endless right of way;

A snappy air, a happy pair,

     A swiftly dashing sleigh.

     Jingle bells, jingle bells,

        Jingle through the night;

     O, what fun for everyone

        Upon the track of white!

Come lover stalwart, brave and true,

     Come red-cheeked maiden fair;

Come try tonight the track of white,

     And drive away dull care.

Let laughter carol o’er the snow,

     Let pleasure have full sway;

Let moon and snow, and love aglow

     Guide every dashing sleigh.

     Jingle bells, jingle bells,

        Jingle through the night;

     O, what bliss a night like this

        Upon the track of white!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“It’s all right to make a mountain out uv a molehill ef it’s a good mountain.”

______

Thin Ice Invitation

“Come on in, the water’s fine!”

______

Cheerful Comment

Swear off moderately.

A “Puss-in-the-corner” campaign.

There’s a chance that Brokaw may go broke.

“The last shall be first,” and thus Peary gets his.

Some of the out of town “oldest inhabitants” were also snowed under.

Bet that couple who were married in a taxicab hurried up to the ceremony.

Anyway, the big storm knocked the ambition out of the mysterious airship.

People in various parts of the country, who haven’t anything else to do, are now quite busily engaged in seeing Dr. Cook dodge hither and thither.

When will telephone and telegraph companies learn to put up hollow iron poles in exposed country sweeps? It isn’t so much a case of “wires down” as it is “poles down.”

President Harris of the Northwestern University says Americans are not musical. Great hevings! was he absent from the country during the run of the “Merry Widow Waltz”?

______

Rats!

Nurses at the New Haven (Ct.) Hospital are in a most excitable condition over the rat outbreak. They are not standing on chairs, nor have they fled the institution in a body, but they are in a hair-raising mood, to say the least. The superintendent, who is a woman possessed of a most luxuriant growth of hair, has issued orders to the effect that nurses who wish to hold their jobs must not harbor rats. Now rats, properly placed, are dear to the average woman’s heart, and necessary to her symmetrical equipoise, and already two nurses have left, not because they love the hospital any less but that they love the little invisible halo more. Cats are not allowed in the institution, which, according to a well infirmed attendant, accounts for the large number of rats to be found there, hence the edict.

______

Country Hygiene

Hank Stubbs – They say Jed Martin’s closed up his well ‘cuz he’s afeard o’ typoid.

Bige Miller – Yaas, Jed says he’s goin’ to let “well enough alone” ez long ez his cider hol’s out.

______

A Brief Cook Poem

Dr. Cook

Took

Coin shook,

Pocketbook.

Far nook,

Forsook

The hook,

Crook.

____________

Dec. 30 ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Amos Green’s “Swearing Off”

“I’m goin’ to turn a new leaf o’er,”

Said Amos Green, in Stokes’ store;

“Now you kin talk an’ laff an’ scoff,

But I am goin’ to swear off

A thing or two, jest mark my word,”

An’ then the next thing Amos heard

Was simply a good-natured roar

Around the store in Stokes’ store.

Jed Martin he took out his pipe,

Which, ez pipes go, wuz purty ripe,

An’ says to Amos, ruther lame,

“What be you goin’ to swear off, Ame?”

An’ lookin’ at the crowd, says he,

“You never stick to nothin’, gee!

You’ve swore off year by year the same,

An’ yit you’re jest the same ol’ Ame!”

Then Amos looked around the ring

Ez though ‘twuz time he had his fling;

He cleared his throat an’ hemmed an’ hawed,

While all the others smoked and chawed.

Says he, “I’ve swore off –” good an’ loud,

“Buyin’ terbacker fur this crowd!”

There warn’t a murmer from the score

Uv setters there in Stokes’ store.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“None but the brave deserve the fair, but generally the weak-kneed apollergies git ‘em.”

______

Literary Note

Isn’t it a blessed ting that poetry doesn’t pay? If it did, everyone would be a poet.

______

Cheerful Comment

“Next,” on the mysterious air pilot.

What is a mayor’s job without a salary?

High time to exchange greetings – and presents.

“Carrie Nation appeals.” It is a relief to read that she is doing something besides “smash.”

And now the mayor of Everett thinks it would have been just as well if he’d been defeated.

Kansas City sends out a record price for hogs, $8.60 to $8.90 per hundred pounds. But if they are all sold who’ll keep the trolleys and steam trains going?

______

A Seasonable Note

(Contributed.)

Now is the season when we would

Be somewhat wiser, if we could,

     And so from off the tongue doth float

The easy promise to amend,

And to one’s self, and to one’s friend

     We give a promissory note.

The few will meet the note and pay;

The more will meet the note halfway,

     The most will barely keep afloat,

But fond they’ve chosen a weary way,

And have, indeed, the de’il to pay;

     Alas! The promissory note.

And yet, ‘tis well to view our ways;

We’ll find that in the end it pays,

     For maybe, finally, we’ll float,

And keep the promise to amend,

And meet the note to self and friend –

     O, blessed promissory note!

     Melrose.                          T. F.

______

The Windy City

Dr. W. A. Evans, health commissioner of Chicago, declares that the good city owes its splendid health to the high winds that come swooping from the lake. We guess likely enough that that is true, and Chicagoites ought to thank their lucky stars for those high winds; the higher the better. It takes a pretty stiff breeze to blow the badness out of the ordinary city, and the least that can be said is that Chicago is fortunate in her tremendous hurricanes. Without them she would be at the mercy of the stock yards, which but for the high winds probably would have long since driven out her population.

____________

Dec. 31, ‘09