Jocosities - February 1909

JOCOSITIES
What is a Humorist?
     Yesterday morning, a timid knock sounded on Jocosity’s door, and to our invitation to enter, with our right hand on our hip pocket, there appeared a tall young blonde whose speech was all a-tremble, and whose heart appeared to be all a-flutter.
“Is – is this Mr. Jocosity?” she asked, doubtingly.
“It be – it am – are – well, rather, it is,” we admitted, catching her manner somewhat.
“Well, I should never have thought it; I expected to find a – a different looking person altogether,” she acknowledged.
“We trust you are not disappointed, madam?”
“Oh, no, not exactly, but you are neither bald, nor thin nor fat, and I thought all humorists were that much, anyway.”
“Oh well, madam, give us time,” we suggested. “We are only at the flower of our youth just now. By the way, can we do anything for you? You know this is press day; we go to press three days a week.”
“I – I came to write you up,” she replied.
“That is splendid; such a change. Usually people come in to blow us up.”
“I came more particularly to inquire about the American Press Humorists’ Association, of which I hear you are a member.”
“We have heard so, madam.”
“You convene in Montreal, August 1, I believe? Dear me, what is it like?”
“It isn’t like anything else, we assure you.”
“How many members have you?”
“It all depends on how the dues come in.”
“Do you have regular meetings?”
“Yes, one regular meeting, but several irregular ones.”
“Would you mind giving me the names of the members?”
“We would; the humorists dislike having their names in print.”
“Are they as modest as all that?”
“A great deal more so; they even dislike having their work in print, and so do as little as possible on that account.”
“I suppose they are awfully funny when they get together?”
“They look like a funeral procession in a rainstorm.”
“Do they meet yearly?”
“Oftener, if they can get it.”
“Do women belong?”
“Oh, the women own it; the men go along to carry their baggage.”
“I suppose they are banqueted every day, and made a lot of?”
“They are banqueted rarely, but made a lot off of.”
“Is it a secret organization?”
“Well, we tried to tell a few secrets last year at Buffalo, but they all got out.”
“Are the dues heavy?”
“They wouldn’t be to a carpenter or a motorman, but to us they seem very weighty indeed.”
“Could you give me any facts?”
The fact is, madam, there are none. We mean, none that would bear the light. You may say that the organization is temperate, smokeless and noiseless. It has an arm, but the marksmanship has been very poor. Next year it will convene in Boston, when we expect its standing will be greatly improved.”

___________



JOCOSITIES
____

By JOE CONE

Announcement Extraodinary!
(“The greatest need in the world today is humor” – The late Hezekiah Hutterworth.)
If the writer has heard the above from the lips of Mr. Hutterworth once he has heard it 100 times, and those who were fortunate enough to know the genial soul know that he always spoke the truth.
Now, of course, our good old world ought to have what it needs. It ought certainly to have what it needs most. When the writer of this column started out in life he yearned to be an artist, but he soon found that the world didn’t need artists. Then he tried farming. That particular part of the world in which he lived didn’t appear to be in any pressing need of farmers.
By and by he began writing novels. He quickly learned that there was much need of fewer novelists and turned his attention to magazine poetry. He discovered from actual experience that the world could get along without magazine poets. Then came the magic words of the author of the “Zig-Zag” books: “The world’s greatest need is humor.” This brings the writer up to the present, and he is going to attempt to give the world what it needs, whether it needs it or not. It shall no longer suffer through any misplaced energy of his.
He will hand it out in big chunks or in slices cut thin, just as the world wants it, but he doesn’t want the world after he has scratched his head bare and worked his humor organs to a frazzle, to come hanging round his factory asking for rebates. The world needs humor; so does the writer in order to give the world what it needs. He will put the humor before you, and if you don’t laugh you are not, of course, a part of the world – you are not on the map.
_____

Signs

The sun is gittin’ higher
    Ev’ry day;
We don’t have to poke the fire
    Ev’ry day.
The snow is slowly goin’,
The grass will soon be showin’
Our neighbor’s rooster’s crowin’
    Ev’ry day.

The ice is growin’ weaker
    Ev’ry day;
The crick is lookin’ sleeker
    Ev’ry day.
Ev’ry feller’s jest wishin’
He could hear his trout line swishin’,
An’ we’re likely to be fishin’
    Any day.
______

Pavement Philosophy

Every coat with a fur collar doesn’t cover an actor.
If you don’t know whether you are going or coming, ask a policeman.
Leaning against a lamp post doesn’t add anything to the post.
When you poke your umbrella into a man’s eye it is only polite that you stop and listen to his apology.
It is just as bad to break the law with one article as with another, but, of course, the jimmy is looked upon as being much worse than the fountain pen.

______

George in Literature

That Washington a poet was
I’ve heard my gran’ther say;
For as the tree went crashing down
He shouted, “tree oh lay!”
_______

An Old Question Solved

The reason why the pullet goes
So oft across the street,
Is so the rooster, if he’s there,
Can see her pretty feet.

______

On the Scent

Recently a man over in the Harvard Union sat reading intently, and held a live cigar a short distance above his head. His hand dropped gradually till the lighted end came in contact with his shaggy hair, which curled and sizzled, while a noticeable scent pervaded the classic air. He looked round in disgust to see what the next fellow was smoking, and simultaneously discovered the cause.

______

I. B. J. – No, Carrie Nation is not a direct descendant of the Father of his Country, although she is trying to ape him in some respects. When she asserts that she is using the very instrument with which he felled the tree that made a certain brand of cocktail possible she errs, we know of at least 100 others who really possess it. Washington was the father of our Nation in fact; Carrie can become its mother in name only.

______

Street Primer

Do you see the Newsboy?
You can Hear the Newsboy a long time before you can see Him.
What does the Newsboy say?
It doesn’t matter What the Newsboy Says, you know He is the Newsboy because he has the Papers to Prove it.
What has the Newsboy concealed in His Hand?
The Newsboy has a Cigarette butt in his Hand. He saw it Smoking in the Gutter and was Afraid it would set Fire to the Street, so He picked it up. Good little Newsboy, you will be a Fire Chief some day!
Did ever you try a Trick on the Newsboy? Give him a Nickel sometime for your paper and tell Him to Keep the Change. Ten chances to one He will do it.
Does the Newsboy ever Sleep?
O, yes, the Newsboy Sleeps, but Never on His Job.
(P.S. – Lots of People can Learn something from the Newsboy.)

______


Feb. 22, 1909























JOCOSITIES
____

By JOE CONE

Caught On The Wireless Wire


While sitting in my barn one day,
     Upon the ridge board high,
I caught a hundred messages
     As they came flying by.
One read, “Dear John I’m coming home,
     Look to the furnace fire”;
Another, We are married, dad,”
     Upon the wireless wire.

Another, “Send me 50 casks
     Of shine wire P.D.Q”,
And, “Harry, dear, my hand is yours,
     Please let me hear from you.”
Another, “Twins arrived today,”
     And, “Copper two pints higher”.
“A revolution nipped in Skwatt,”
     All on the wireless wire.

I was knee deep in fields of fun,
     My being all afire!
What joy to catch the passing news
     Upon the wireless wire.
Just then a message ripped along
     That knocked me off my stool;
‘Twas simply this, in accents clear:
     “Get off the line, you fool!”
______

Nature Fakirs, Attention

A Roman farmer while out digging a mess of artichokes for breakfast recently unearthed a large marble fountain with a frieze of dancing girls in bas relief around it. This strange vegetable, found at the root of an artichoke plant, is valued at $100,000. Luther Burbank is clearly outdone, and would better look to his laurels; also his seed box.
We are highly pleased over this discovery. It simply bears out a theory that we have long held, that farming, rightly managed, does really pay. There’s a good living, and more, in juggling the soil, but it must be dug out. No man can tell what is in the ground for him until he digs. He may not find a buried city in every case, but he may find numerous other things that have been buried a long time.
There are several acres of idle land in the country which will be sacrificed at a modest figure if anybody wishes to go into artichoke raising. Full directions furnished gratis. Seed equal, if not superior, to the Roman seed. Here is a rare opportunity which should appeal to farmers and archaeologists alike.
______

Pavement Philosophy

Some people take the escalator and still walk up.
Sometimes when you meet a bookish girl don’t you wish she were a little more newspapery?
The office boy who has been neglecting his employer’s business has lost his best argument, that he’s been looking after the King’s Business.
When a moving picture singer asks the audience to join in the chorus he should always be accommodated if for no other reason than to drown his voice.
The only difference between the literary hack and the ordinary hack is that the wheels of the ordinary hack run off a better living for their owner.
______

Sing, Brother, Sing

They ain’t no use in frettin’
     Ef the world goes wrong;
What’s the matter with your getting’
     Into service with a song?
You can’t help it with your mopin’,
     Silunce hez no cheery ring;
So, my brother, here is hopin’
     You will sing, sing, sing!

Music helps to win a battle,
     Let your voice be ready then;
Ugliness may do for cattle,
     But it will not do for men.
Ef the day be dark an’ gloomy,
     An’ you’re blue as anything,
Life will be more light an’ roomy
Ef you sing, sing, sing!
____________

Feb. 23, ‘09












JOCOSITIES
____

By JOE CONE

Bittersweets of Spring

In the spring the young man’s fancy,
            and the older man’s as well,
Turns to where the little brooklet
            gurgles down the drowsy dell,
Where the splashing falls surrender to
            the ever waiting pool,
And the golden trout are darting up
            the rapids swift and cool.
He can see the purling waters as
            they lash the mossy stones,
And they thrill his pent-up spirit with
            their glad, inviting tones;
He can see the sweeping meadows and
            the woodland bare and brown,
He can wish that he were thither, but
            he has to stay in town.

In the spring a young man’s fancy
            turns upon his rod and reel,
And he fishes out his leaders and his
            lines and flies and creel.
Then he varnishes his lancewood, and
            each joint he vaselines
While he tests his lines and leaders
            for the coming battle scenes.
Everything is oiled and polished and
            all ready for the fray
When he learns the “boss” won’t let
            him off for even half a day;
And his dreams have all been shattered
            and his spirits are cast down.
He would like to whip those waters –
             but he has to stay in town.
______

Street Primer

What is that awful noise?
That, little one, is the Milkman. He has just left a Pint of Milk in the Back Hall.
I cannot see the Milkman.
No, it is either too Late or too Early to see Him. It is now Two-thirty in the Forenoon.
Why does the Milkman come so Early?
It is a Habit. He Slams the Door so you will know He has been Around, in case your Milk bottle is Missing when you get up.
Is the Milkman Honest?
Certainly the Milkman is honest. He will not take other men’s bottles if they are marked, and He will not use Rain water, but good, pure, cold Water from the Pump.
Has the Milkman and Cows?
No, He hasn’t any Cows. He gets His Milk from the Milk Train. Didn’t you know that Trains gave Milk?
(P.S. – It is cheaper to buy milk than to keep Cows, but it is Thinner.)
______

Who’s Right?

The basin hats down in the stores
          The ladies say are kippy;
The men folks take another view,
          And say they’re simply dippy.
______

Early Spring Cleaning

To scrub the old State House perhaps
          Is needful, but we pray
They won’t keep at it long enough
          To wash it away.

______

A Real Reformer

Mrs. Suburbe – I want to go in town shopping today, John. Did you get paid last night?
Mr. Suburbe – Yes, dear; about how much will you need?
Mrs. S – O, about twenty-five.
Mr. S. – I’ll let you have five, on one condition.
Mrs. S. (grieved) – On one condition? Why, John, you never made any conditions before? What is it?
Mr. S – That you do your shopping and start for home before 4 in the afternoon. I don’t want some poor fellow to stand up all the way home on account of any generosity of mine.
______

I.C.U. – The difference between a 10-cent shave and a 15-cent shave is that with the 10-cent shave you have to put your overcoat on all alone.
____________

Feb. 24, ‘09










JOCOSITIES
____

By JOE CONE

The Psychological Moment

If you’ve got a soul to slay
     Put it off;
If you’ve got a grudge to pay
     Put it off.
If an evil play to lay,
Or an evil word to say
Do not foster it today
     Put it off.

If you’ve planned a glad surprise
     Do it now;
If you’re going to try to rise
     Do it now.
If that “ten” haunts you today,
(Borrowed in the far-away),
And you wish to pay me, say,
     Do it now!
______

Information for Canoeists

Reports of canoe upsettals are already coming in, and winter hasn’t begun to think of saying good-bye. Here are a few suggestions which might with profit be printed on a card and tacked on the quarter-deck of each lilting canoe for rent:
This is not a ferryboat.
Do not rock this canoe to see how much it will stand.
This craft is built for two; don’t try to carry more than six.
Learn to swim first and paddle afterward.
If you are anxious to change seats, wait till you get back to the boathouse.
While it may add to the pleasure of canoeing to carry along a camera, phonograph and records, guitars and mandolins, sofa pillows, magazines, umbrellas, parasols, sweaters, suit cases, jossticks, fans, looking-glasses, easels and paint boxes, these articles might prove useless in case of an overturn.
The management is not responsible for articles lost in the bottom of the river.
______

Pavement Philosophy

There are numerous kinds of “tripping” feet.
It is only a step from leaving off a woolen over coat to putting on a wooden one.
A good story will bear repeating, but not right away before the same audience.
Before you try the golden road to literature, try the ordinary highway with team driving or shoveling dirt.
______

A Fixture

Hank – Do you think the autermobile hez come tew stay?
Tassel – Waal, I think my nephew John’s hez; he landed here with it 10 days ago an’ hain’t b’en able tew start it sence.
______

A Changed Woman

Vamp – My wife used to be my stenographer.
Camp – How interesting!
Vamp – Er, yes, but she doesn’t talk shorthand now that we are married.
______

Nothing in Names?

Here is the way it looks to us,
Who with him have a daily fuss:
           The janitor,
But he, the janitor so grim,
Here is the way it looks to him:
           THE JANITOR.

The plumber now we have to call;
We think it should be very small,
     The plumber’s bill.
But when we get it, hully gee!
It is the only thing we see,
THE PLUMBERS BILL.

____________

Feb. 25, ‘09


joss stick - a thin stick consisting of a substance that burns slowly and with a fragrant smell, used as incense.








JOCOSITIES

____


By JOE CONE

Here and Now

Little girl of Long Ago,
Eyes of blue and hair of tow,
Cheeks as red as sunset skies
Lighting up your laughing eyes;
How I loved you, did you know?
Little girl of Long Ago!

I was shy and modest then –
You were eight and I was ten;
You were smaller much than I,
But you towered to the sky;
You were far above me, far
As the distant, shining star,
But I loved you, even so
Little girl of Long Ago.

Little girl of Long Ago
We are older, as you know;
Years have lengthened since we stood
In the meadow near the wood
Where we quarreled, you and I,
O’er a trifle, foolishly,
And I left you, sobbing so,
Little girl of Long Ago.

Love has brought me home again;
We are more than eight and ten;
But my heart yearns for you so,
Little girl of Long Ago.
Here’s the meadow and the wood,
Here’s the very spot we stood.
Ah! What means that blushing brow?
Little girl of Here and Now!
______

Street Primer

Now you see the Humorist.
He is the thin-faced, half-starved looking Genius following the crowd.
No, He is not looking for something to Eat; He is looking for a Joke. He hopes the Crowd will drop something. He has very sharp Eyes.
What makes the Humorist so Thin?
It is because He is so Well Fed. All Well Fed Humorists look thin. It is because they have so much to do. Fat Humorists have Nothing to Do. There are no Fat Humorists.
Has the Humorist a Mission?
Yes, but no Muzzle.
The Mission of the Humorist is to Make people Laugh. If the people don’t Laugh, then He moves on to the next Mission.
See! The Crowd has dropped Something. It is Round and Pink. A Lady dropped It, and the Humorist has picked It up. See the Grin on the Humorist’s face, He will take It home and Stretch It into a Joke.
(P.S. It is hard to keep up Appearances when you have lost the Means for doing so.)
______

The Unlucky Oyster

The oyster is cool and clear and calm,
          Admired by the many and not the few;
Yet, sorry to say, possesses a way
          Of getting himself in a stew.
______

Epicurean Epigrams

Many a good liver is ruined by living too good.
A big head is usually the result of a small one.
It is all right to eat pie with a knife if the pie deserves it.
It is bad taste to find fault with the cook because sometimes the taste grows worse.
Five good ways to cook eggs: Boil ‘em, fry ‘em, roast ‘em, bake ‘em, and eat ‘em raw.



____________

Feb. 26, ‘09












JOCOSITIES
____

By JOE CONE

The Fifth Of March, T.R.

What will you do with your Big Stick
     The 5th of March, T.R.?
There will be no more for you to lick,                   
     The 5th of March, T.R.
‘Twon’t be of use in Afric’ lands
Amongst ferocious jungle bands
You’ll simply have it on your hands
     The 5th of March, T.R.

The rifle is the thing to raise
     The 5th of March, T.R.
The Stick will have seen better days
     The 5th of March, T.R.
You know it wouldn’t be quite fair
To strike out at a Teddy bear –
You will not need it anywhere
     The 5th of March, T.R.

The Big Stick will have shrunken some
     The 5th of March, T.R.
What will you sell it for, now come,
     The 5th of March, T.R.?
‘Twon’t look so big in Congress’s eyes –
O happy thought to realize
‘Twill be about a toothpick size
          The 5th of March, T.R.!
______

“Lampy” in Long Pants

It is good to see business taking on a boom in New England. A joke factory, to cost in the neighborhood of $20,000, is to be erected in Cambridge the coming summer. This is the first factory of its kind to be built in New England,
New York boasts of the only building in the country devoted exclusively to the manufacture of humor. Puck Building was erected for that purpose many years ago and is still doing a flourishing business.
The Harvard Lampoon will soon start upon a building of its own, which, its editors say, will be all to the merry. It is a happy thought on the part of the Lampoon, and no building in the University city will be pointed out with more cheerfulness than the new Temple of Fun. It is good to see humor taking a forward step; this is no joke.
______

Casoethes Scribendi, Loquendi

Mr. William Jennings Bryan, who, it will be rcalled, has some time or other run for the presidency, but failed to take his salt shaker, is reported to have denied that he will write a novel, dramatize it, put it on the stage and portray one of the characters. Perhaps he has reflected that there are three things the would-be novelist, playwright and actor ought to paste in his generous sombrero:
It is easier to become a President than a successful novelist.
It is twice as easy to become a President as to write a successful play.
It is three times easier to become a President than a successful actor.
______

The Query Box

Bob – Which way does the wind blow on Tremont street? It makes all the difference in the world which way you stand, Bob.
I. I. E. – No, “T.R.” doesn’t necessarily stand for Theodore Roosevelt; it might mean “tiger”. More often “T – Y” stand for Theodore Roosevelt.
______

Sports Afield

Life is an endless picture show,
          It puzzles me, I vow;
Where we picked daisies yesteryear
          We all go skating now.
______

Lying in Wait

Sportsman – Confound this gun, it won’t go off!
Companion – No, it won’t till one of these days when somebody says it isn’t loaded.

____________

Feb. 27, ‘09





JOCOSITIES
____

By JOE CONE

The Nail on the Head

“When you’re building a boat or nailing a box,”
     My daddy has frequently said,
“Don’t wabble your hammer all over the lot,
     But hit the old nail on the head.
Don’t look all around to see what is new,
     ‘Tend strictly to business instead;
Keep your eye on the nail, if you don’t want to fail,
     And hit it right plunk on the head.”

“If you’re starting in life upon a new job,
     And have a stiff pathway to tread,
Don’t flounder around and say that you can’t,
     But give it a whack on the head.
And when you are tempted, my son, to do wrong,
     Don’t hesitate, feeling a dread;
Just take your old hammer and give him a slammer
     Right plunk on top of his head.
______

Street Primer

Observe the Teamster.
See how He sits on his Seat without falling off or becoming Seasick. He can guide his Horses through Narrow streets without Killing many People. He doesn’t like to Kill People, but sometimes he Has to.
The Teamster can Lick the Horses if he Wants to, but if he does the Society with a Long Name will Talk about him.
Now he is on the Car Track. He will Stay on the Car Track a Long time. He has no Train to Catch, nor is he Obliged to get to an Office at a Certain hour.
Will the Motorman ask him the Get off the Car Track? Yes, he will do More than that. He will say Things that are Not in the Dictionary, but the Teamster won’t answer Back because he is Smoking and it would be too much Trouble to remove his Pipe from his Mouth.
Yes, we have Lost our Train, but that is no Concern of the Teamster’s.
See how Firmly the Teamster Grips the Straps in his hands! Wouldn’t our Fathers or our Mothers have Made good Teamsters?
(P.S. Don’t try to keep everything Behind you when you Know you can’t keep Ahead.)
______

His Point of View

Jagge – Wine ish a – a –
Van Bibb – Mocker?
Jaggs – No, I don’t mean zhat; wine ish a – a –

Van Bibb – A what?
Jagg – A – a corker!
______

He’s Too Scarce

Tommy – What is a philosopher, pa?
Popley – A philosopher, my son, is a man who can make it rain on pleasant days and make it pleasant on rainy days, and can make himself rich and happy when he isn’t.
______

Uncle Ezra Says:
“Never brag uv yewr fish ontill yew git him, an’ then yew must hev witnesses.”

____________

Feb. 28, ‘09






















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