JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
Live
It Down
Have
you had an illness shown?
Live it down;
Has
the dust upon you blown?
Live it down.
If
the past has made you weep,
If
the way was rough and steep,
If
the night was dark and deep
Live it down.
If
the future deals a blow,
Live it down;
Do
not fear or favor show,
Live it down.
If
you keep on smiling sweet,
If
you never know defeat,
Fate
will take a backward seat,
Live it down.
Live
it down by day, by night,
Live it down;
Live
it down by living right,
Live it down.
If
the right path you pursue
As
you journey this life through
There’s
a Power ‘twill help you to
Live it down.
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“The
biggest tud in the puddle is the most apt to git hit.”
______
Goat Note
Anyway,
if somebody has your substitute for a cow you don’t have to worry over its
eating up your clothes line.
______
Everyday
Philosophy
Hot-headed
people are soonest to get cold feet.
Frequently
the bad penny that returns is welcome.
Leading
a double life must be an awful strain on the rope.
Getting
way up on one’s ear won’t lower the high cost of living.
Some
women have cut glass on their tables and some have it pinned at their throats.
Men
have been known to successfully side-step a creditor and bump into the arms of
a sheriff.
There
is never a very large turnout at the funeral of the man who has earned the
title of “cissy.”
Nearly
every large family has one member who is ready to spend what the others earn.
People
will say they don’t believe what they read in the papers and then make an awful
“to-do” if the paper isn’t on time.
There’s
a place for everything, of course, but if everything were in its right place
the average jail would have to have an addition built on larger than the
original.
______
Coming On
“There’s
some class to Gadby.”
“Good!
He used to stand about sixth in school.”
______
Can’t Kill ’Em
Anecdotes
that had paresis –
Sakes alive! –
In
the days of old Rameses –
Still survive.
– Kansas City Journal.
Yes,
the same ones that old Noah –
In the Ark –
Cracked
when he would often go, ah –
On a lark.
– Scranton Tribune.
Even
that old punster Adam
Was a clown;
Sprang
that joke upon the madam
On her gown.
______
When
Winnie Waves
Sometimes the morn
is cold and gray,
The day bids fair to be the same;
A sadness settles
o’er the town,
A brooding I can scarcely name.
When suddenly
across the way
A dainty vision I can see;
A drapery is
thrust aside,
And Winnie waves her hand to me.
And then the scene
is quickly changed,
My drooping spirits quickly rise;
Although the sun
has failed to shine,
There is a promise in the skies.
I do not even know
her name,
I call her Winnie since, you see,
By waving of her
shapely hand
She wins a brighter day for me.
Mayhap I ne’er
shall know her name,
Mayhap to her I ne’er shall speak;
I know I ne’er
shall press a kiss
Upon the dimple in her cheek,
But I shall be
quite satisfied
If every morning I shall see
Her at the window o’er
the way
And she shall wave her hand at me.
______
Psalm
of Walking
Lives of scorchers
all remind us
We can make our lives complete,
Leaving joy rides
far behind us,
Doing stunts upon our feet.
____________
Oct. 21, 10
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
The
Harvest Moon
I.
The harvest moon
hangs in the sky
A mammoth jewel shining;
The earth, clothed
in its mystic garb,
Is just below reclining.
We stroll the
byways, hand in hand,
While thoughts of love o’er-ride us;
The moon to guide
us on our way,
Walks joyously beside us.
REFRAIN:
O, harvest moon,
Shine bright for
me,
But turn your head
So you won’t see!
But if you do,
O, golden sheen,
Pray do not tell
What you have seen!
II.
At last we stop
beneath a tree
To reassure love’s token;
The moon has also
ceased to drift
Across the skies unbroken.
In vain he tries
to penetrate,
To watch the old, old story;
Then slips behind
the distant hill
And leaves us in our glory.
O, harvest moon,
Now gone from sight,
Forget what you
Have seen tonight.
But if you can’t,
O, golden sheen,
Pray do not tell
What you have seen!
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“All
pollerticians ain’t bad becuz they’s one now an’ then who don’t succeed.”
______
Out of Reach
“Aviation
has opened a difficult problem.”
“How
so?”
“Because
it gives the men higher up a chance to get still higher.”
______
Everyday
Philosophy
Beauty
is argument enough for any woman.
The
kiss may be dangerous, but this is a brave world.
The
poor man pays cash, the rich man when he gets ready.
Some
of the things you take for granted have to be returned.
A
rule that works both ways is what some people measure life with.
If
you had a dollar for every lie you have told how much would you be worth?
Some
men can swallow humble pie, but all of them prefer mince or pumpkin.
To
be poor is no disgrace unless you have let the rich man get it away from you.
Sometimes
a letter of recommendation depends as much upon who writes it as upon whom it
is for.
Most
men are not so much interested in their own family trees as in the clinging
vines of some other families.
______
Bind
Him
Dear girls, if you
have got a beau
Upon a string, I hope
Ere he has time to
slip the tow
You’ll change it to a rope.
______
Gossip Note
It
would be rather difficult to say exactly who’s looney now, but it is safe to
say that most of us will be shortly if this expression doesn’t die out pretty
quickly.
______
The White Eagle
(Contributed.)
That white eagle
which goes by
Piercing the blue,
untramelled sky,
It is no bird,
though bird it seems,
It is the ages’
wrought-out dreams.
That fine grace
which you see there,
Riding the swift
tides of air,
How to the senses
it doth please! –
That is the grace
of the centuries.
And that speed
which bears it far
Till but a speck
is its white car,
That is the speed
which came to life
After a cycle’s
ceaseless strife.
Boston. HARRY R. BLYTHE.
____________
Oct. 22, 10
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
If
Women Knew Their Power
If women only knew their power
I don’t know
what this world would be;
But it would not be just the same
Old place it
now is, seems to me.
There’d be more rooms in every house,
More space
for window plant and flower;
There’d be more closet room as well,
If women only knew their power.
If women only knew their power
I’d tremble
for all future time;
There’d be more men out splitting wood,
And fewer
poets writing rhyme.
Each cosey den where husbands smoke
Would be
transformed to cupid’s bower;
There’d be no pipes in the house,
If women
only knew their power.
If women only knew their power
Where would
the size of head dress end?
They’d tie their ankles with a “hob”
So they
could neither walk nor bend.
Man ne’er could wander from his door
To spend a
happy, social hour;
Ah me. Man wouldn’t count for much
If women
only knew their power.
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“A
mortgage is all right, pervidin’ you don’t waste all the leverage.”
______
Pavement
Philosophy
Jealousy
never wins admirers.
A
man of means is frequently a mean man.
“Doing
it now” depends on whether it ought to be done.
Love
may be blind, but it is far from being deaf and dumb.
The
man with the hoe stirs up things – if he doesn’t lean on it too much.
The
man who has to be converted every Friday night is a stumbling block on the Lord’s
sidewalk.
When
opportunity knocks at your door, don’t mistake it for a family difficulty on
the floor above you.
“What
everyone knows,” as a general thing, doesn’t appear to be worth anybody’s
knowing.
Frequently
the man who isn’t his brother’s keeper tries to keep what is his brother’s.
No
wonder the old world is happy, so many people are willing to carry it round on
their shoulders.
When
poverty comes in at the door love invariably blames it on the high cost of
living.
The
man who hangs around after his business is all done is as bad as the public
artist who gives one too many encores.
One
peculiarity about the man who says he has money to burn, you never notice him
starting up many fires.
The
main difference between a professional man and a tradesman is, that a great
many times the tradesman can buy and sell the professor.
______
The Human Sleight-of-Hand
Webster
lays claim to the distinction of having the most notorious “now-you-see-him-and-now-you-don’t”
husband in existence. His name is George Sak, and Mrs. George is authority for the statement that George has sacked the
premises 18 times in their 9 years of otherwise wedded bliss. Twice a year has
George gone out into the unknown, suddenly and without previous notice, leaving
no address behind him.
Mrs.
Sak has wonderful patience and an admirable forgiving spirit. Most employers
want a two-weeks’ notice, and they seldom take help on that has quit them more than twice. George has always
been taken back and given another chance. While we admire Mrs. Sak’s position
in the matter we fear she is a little too lenient, Men are very apt to form
habits if they are not checked, and sooner or later George may acquire the
going-away habit to such an extent that she will find it hard to break him of
it. He might wish to go away at an inopportune time, say when the wood pile was
low or the well needed cleaning out.
Mrs.
Sak says George is all right except for his occasional pangs of wanderlust, but
we think he needs a little sand I his gear box.
____________
Oct. 23, ‘10
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
Home-Made
Pumpkin Pie
October is the
month for me,
The best of all the year;
Instead of
melancholy, I
Am full of right good cheer.
Of course ’tis sad
to see the vines
And leaves curl up and die;
But think of what
October brings –
The home-made pumpkin pie!
The fields are
barren, bleak and cold,
The winds are biting chill;
Each day uncovers
more and more
The thickly wooded hill.
But just compare
the pantry shelves,
With August or July;
Just note the
brown and gold array
Of mother’s pumpkin pie!
O, let the winds
of winter shriek,
And let the snowflakes fall;
October and the
days to come
Suit me the best of all.
It is the full
time of year,
The bounteous supply;
My life is full
when I am full
Of home-made pumpkin pie!
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“The
best way not to git down an’ out is to put in an’ work up.”
______
Political Note
We
notice that the people who call the Col. a liar, “unmitigated” or otherwise, do
so when the Col. isn’t around.
______
He Came Back
“There’s
everything in a name.”
“What
now?”
“Well,
suppose Wellman’s name had been something like Fluke, of Sinker?”
______
Handed Down
“It
has been discovered that oysters live to be 20 years old.”
“I
knew some of them had been in use that long.”
______
Can You Beat It?
Moissant
holds the falling record, having dropped successfully 300 feet in his
aeroplane.
______
Hard
to Find Her
When Helen has removed her puffs,
And all her
pads has cleft,
And stepped out of her high-heeled shoes,
I say, what
is there left?
______
Catching
’Tis strange how coal bins black and dank,
And empty,
glum and chill,
Will make their owners feel the same,
But but by the
gods, they will!
______
Caught
“You
are a burglar!” she cried.
“What
have I done now?” he asked, contritely.
“You
have stolen my heart.”
“I
found it without an owner; it appeared to be unclaimed.”
“That
makes no difference. You are liable.”
“Will
you have me locked up?”
“Indeed
I will, so that it will be impossible for you to be at large and return it.”
______
Everybody Try One
An
equilibrator may be a bad thing for an airship, but that is no reason why it
wouldn’t be a good thing for the average person.
______
Outside,
Looking In
Prizefighters’
lives peculiar are,
At least most all have been;
More are knocked
out outside the ring
Than are knocked out within.
______
An Exeter Account
(Contributed.)
Some
years ago, at an election held in Exeter, N. H., an Irishman was appointed to
serve as constable. This individual, unfortunately, was quite likely to go on a
spree without a moment’s notice, and on this particular occasion he showed up
in a badly intoxicated condition. After getting into several differences with
the voters he left the town hall and found his way home, after much difficulty,
on Newmarket road.
A
few days later he went to the selectmen of the town and tried to get his pay,
whereon they told him to present his bill in writing. He went to a lawyer in
order to have it made out in proper shape, and the lawyer, knowing that he
couldn’t read, made out the following and told him to present it to “Bill”
Morrill, the chairman of the selectmen:
Town of Exeter, N.
H.,
to P
B-------, Dr.,
For serving
as constable on election day…………………................................ $5.00
For being pulled out
of fights, at 50 cents per fight…………….......................... 2.50
For keeping
sidewalk clear from Town Hall
to my home…………...…………... 3.00
Total………………………….........…..... $10.50
Received payment,
_________________
Boston. H.
V. L.
____________
Oct. 24, ‘10
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
Let
Well Enough Alone
If you are doing
pretty well,
Let well enough alone;
Don’t try to be
the greatest swell
Upon the business throne.
Don’t try to outdo
all the rest,
And make the biggest splash;
Let well enough
alone is best,
And not invite a smash.
If you are doing
pretty well,
Be satisfied with that;
Lest at the
striking of the bell
Fate throws you on the mat.
Men say, no risk
no gain; ah, well,
That may be very true,
But when you’ve
lost your all, pray tell,
What’s to become of you?
If you are doing
pretty well,
Keep on, and save your health;
Don’t slave and
risk all day and sell
Your happiness for wealth.
Don’t rush the
get-rich scheme pell-mell,
And claim the business throne;
If you are doing
pretty well
Let well enough alone.
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“Ef
the good things uv life come slowly then money cert’nly can’t be very good.”
______
Personal Note
Be
something, somebody. Do something, somebody.
______
The Difference
“He
appears to be taking mental notes.”
“No;
I’m inclined to think he’s taking metal notes. He’s a steel magnate.”
______
Cheerful Comment
Will
the turkey come off his perch?
The
political pot is calling the kettle black.
New
England is a Hall of Fame in itself.
We
trust the Kingdom will find a safe haven at last.
Boston
is willing to be a tail-ender on the tidal wave.
There’s
no reason now why everybody shouldn’t have heard of Chelsea.
That
West Newton mill girl with the $1200 roll is in line now to receive many offers
of marriage.
The
United Shoe Machine Company may not be on its uppers, but there appears to be
uneasiness on its sole.
______
A
Great Food Poem
The bluffer
Who’s a stuffer
Is the duffer
Who must suffer.
______
Proved
“History
repeats itself.”
“Where
have I heard that expression before?”
______
Had Been Done
“I
never saw such a versatile man; he can do anything.”
“Why
stop at ‘anything?’ ”
______
Accounted For
“Where
are our poets of today?” thundered the orator, looking over the vast audience
that had gathered in the district schoolhouse, waiting a breathless moment or two
to let his words sink into the minds of his spellbound listeners.
“Waal,”
replied Hiram Plunkett, from the rear of the room, “our best poet here is down
to Bear Run cuttin’ timber fur a steam sawmill comperny, an’ Marthy Baker, our
next authoress in order, hed to stay away tonight, much to her vexation, becuz
her pap’s got the roomertiz,”
______
Cause for Revolt
Somehow,
don’t you sometimes feel like jumping all over the person who, in the course of
your conversation, keeps saying, “See? See?”
______
What the Flea Has
The
flea is said to have a great ear for music. We have always understood he has
fine teeth for biting also.
______
Sunday Note
Don’t
mind if the other fellow overtakes and passes you, take the curves slowly and
keep on the right side of the road. This is the only way to come home again
healthy, happy and intact.
______
Bige Undecided
Hank
Stubbs – Which do you think is the wust, a runaway hoss or a runaway
autymobile?
Bige
Miller – You ain’t never able to tell until it’s time to git out.
______
“Biff, Bang!”
“May
I ask you a question, pa?”
“Yes;
I hope it’s a sensible one, for I’m very busy.”
“It
is, pa.”
“Well,
well, what is it?”
“What
makes people ask questions, pa?”
____________
Oct. 25, 1910
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
A
Cat in the House
A cat in the house is a mighty fine thing,
’Tis
a wonder that any should doubt it;
I never could see, betwixt you and me,
How
a family could well do without it.
Just think of the music it makes all the
day
While
on the old hearthstone ’tis lying;
Just think of the rats she grabs in the
slats,
Or
sends from the premises flying.
A cat in the house is a most useful thing,
She
never makes trouble or bothers;
She sharpens her claws wherever she’s
cause,
On
the legs of the table, or others.
Just think of the music she makes through
the night
When
man and all nature is quiet;
She can dodge like a sprite, in the
darkest of night,
The
bootjack whenever you shy it.
By all means then keep a cat in the house
To
make your life restful and happy;
If it weren’t for her, with her music and
purr,
Life
wouldn’t be nearly so snappy.
A cat in the house is a mighty fine thing,
A
cat that’s not sneaky or slouchy;
She’s a source of delight through the day
and the night,
And
something to kick when you’re grouchy.
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“Some
folks’ castles in the air are goin’ to be knocked out by airships sooner or
later.”
______
Personal Note
A
French scientist has made the startling discovery that Americans are growing to
look alike. Since Americans are considered good looking why should we feel
alarmed over the discovery?
______
Gungy Byplay
Hank
Stubbs – Lem Hooper ’pears to be tryin’ to break into the social set.
Bige
Miller – Thet’s about all Lem ever done, wuz to set.
______
Cheerful Comment
The
Maine ought to rise up in its wrath.
If
needs an Iron Hand to deal with the Black.
A
Turkish bath, with a cement ceiling accompaniment, is a hard scrub.
A
Staten Island family has kept a servant 57 years. There’s a fortune in the
recipe.
That
new girl playwright in New York is from Missouri, but she does have to be
shown.
Eighty-five
per cent. of the inhabitants of Samoa have hookworm. Doubtless it is caused by
too much fishing.
Japan
is to appropriate $40,000,000 toward maintaining peace. This dove, however,
will be in the form of battleships.
______
About So
When
you find the young men of any particular village going about with ill-looking
finger nails, it is because there are no lady manicurists located there.
______
Tried and True
“Foxy
move of that Wellman taking that cat along.”
“How
do you figure it?”
“Don’t
you know that they always come back?”
______
Sidestepping
Danger
“He
is not calling on Miss Gettim any more?”
“No;
he was tipped off to the effect that she had a phonograph all ready to record
his words in case she could get him interested in a proposal.”
______
Pickling Time
(Contributed.)
Dids’t ever scent an odor, man,
That rises from pot, dish or pan,
More sweet and appetizing than
That
given out at pickling time?
I trow thou dids’t not ever find
Borne to thee upon any wind
A whiff more promising and kind
Than
that when pickling things are prime.
Behold her pickling wooden spoon,
How wields she it woth rhythmil tune,
Preparing for our beans the boon
That
comes around at pickling time!
Tomatoes blush to aid her hand –
Onions and peepers – sweet’ning bland –
And apple vinegar, my land!
Make
pickling days with pleasure rhyme.
All these together she has got
To boiling in the “charmed pot”
With spices, and more things (God wot!)
Than
known to me at pickling time;
And when, to make her surer feel
The blend is right (ere she can seal),
She hails me court of last appeal –
Ah!
Pickling time is then sublime!
Melrose. T. B. F.
____________
Oct. 26, ‘10
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
The
“Gungy Advocate”
Each
Saturday it comes to me, it’s seldom ever late,
Our
little local paper called the “Gungy Advocate.”
A
little eight-paged journal, not a bit like city sheets,
That
gives the local items and the weekly village meets.
I
look for it each Saturday, impatient at the mail,
And
know I would feel lonesome like if it should ever fail,
Because
it has the doings of the week in Gungy town,
The
“personals” and “locals” from Judge Silas Patten down.
I
wouldn’t miss the “social talk” of Gungy every week,
Although
compared with city stuff it’s rather slow and weak;
I
know what they are doing, folks I used to know so well,
Because
the “Gungy Advocate” it never fails to tell.
And
when Bill Jones has sold a cow it means much more to me
Than
all the speeches of T.R. or doing of John D.
The
city papers are all right, and strictly up to date,
But
for the bunch I wouldn’t trade the “Gungy Advocate”!
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“An
enforced vacation is anything but restful.”
______
Presidential Note
Why
shouldn’t President Taft eat on board a foreign warship so long as he didn’t
make any sketches of the table decorations?
______
Explained
“Why
is a stag party, anyway?”
“Well
– er – woman’s at the bottom of it.”
______
Cheerful Comment
Barney
Old field “came back” and stayed.
Now
Ethel Leneve can start a clean slate.
Have
you any of that iron-clad steel stock?
Which
will rise first, the Maine or the Yankee?
The
Harvard spirit isn’t all in that $1000 beer.
The
name Johnstone somehow suggests altitude.
The
Cuban navy has sailed away and everybody breathes easier.
If
a kiss is worth $500 in Providence, how much more would it be worth outside?
As
the bad oyster beds increase, will the good oyster stew increase in price also?
Old
England gets the best of New England when she takes the better part of our
Baldwin apples.
A
recent news item tells of a dancer having an arm broken. We have always
supposed that dancing was done on the feet.
A
marriage has been performed lately for the purpose of curing an invalid.
Heretofore, marriage has been blamed for creating invalids.
______
The Usual
Laura
Jean Libbey declares she has never been in love. Then, of course, she is just
the person to write on it authoritatively.
______
Both Costly
When
a man does not know what to do with his money he buys a fall overcoat. –
Montreal News.
Or
redeems his last year’s one at his uncle’s storage plant.
______
Hats
(Contributed.)
Mother’s
got a bonnet,
Latest cheesebox style,
With
a big bow on it,
Makes the neighbors smile.
Father’s
got a derby,
Shape to suit a kid;
But
in Sunday garb he
Wears a tall silk lid.
There’s
my sister Lizzie,
Her’s takes lots of space;
Colors
make you dizzy,
You can’t see her face.
Bob
is out at college;
He’s a brainy chap;
Head
is full of knowledge
In its big, broad cap.
What
am i a-wearin’?
I’m a little brat;
No
one round’s a-carin’;
I just wear a hat.
Boston. H. E. F.
____________
Oct. 27, ‘10
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
Keepin’
Secrets
Ol’ man Crockett he come down to the
store,
He’d
a secret he wanted to tell;
So he tackled Bill Jones, in the softest
of tones,
An’
told Bill to keep it right well.
“Don’t breathe a word now,” said Crockett
to Bill,
“There’ll
be thunder to pay ef you do”;
Then he met Hiram Snow, jest a little
below,
An’
took him in confidence, too.
“Don’t dare breathe a word,” he said to
ol’ Hi’,
“Don’t
want it to git round the town;”
Then he jogged on his way, quite important
an’ gay,
Till
he met neighbor Cottonwood Brown.
“Say, Cot’,” said ol’ Crockett, “I’ve
somethin’ to say
Thet’s
important, but don’t dast repeat;”
An’ then I’ll be shot ef he didn’t tell
Cot’
What
he’d told to the rest up the street.
An’ so it went on till he met eight or
ten,
An’
to each he imparted the tale;
Though he cautioned ’em all thet the
heavens would fall
Ef
to keep the dark secret they’d fail.
Then Crockett went home with an easier
mind,
For
his secret was well hammered down;
But the very next day, to his surprise an’
dismay,
’Twas
the talk uv the hull bloomin’ town.
* * * * * *
Now the moral is here; ’tis as plain as
your face;
We
wonder our secrets are slain,
When we know mighty well, if the truth we
would tell,
We
are Crocketts right over again.
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“Don’t
never look a gift autymobile in the mouth when it’s goin’ more than 10 miles an
hour.”
______
Political Note
Roosevelt
is about the best-worst individual the country’s ever had.
______
Cheerful Comment
Black
cats bring no good luck to burglars.
Lessening
taxes in Portugal will help some.
Chicago
now wants to know who’s got the bacon.
Strange
what a kiss will lead up to; the latest being a fire.
An
autoist in jail can’t run anybody down; at least, only verbally.
A
good many who have “struck it” will now love Nome for the good it has done.
Mistress
Mary says she’s still single in the Garden of love, and Mary ought to know.
Let
Miss Leneve accept one of the many offers of marriage, or let her go one the
stage, but for heaven’s sake don’t encourage her to write a book!
The
Casino Theatre of New York had a slight fire Wednesday night during the second
act of “He Came from Milwaukee.” Coming from Milwaukee, naturally he had
something with which to put out the blaze.
______
Balloon Poem
What
goes up
Must come down,
Either
on your head
Or in the Canadian woods.
______
The Question Box
Dear
Jocosity – Who is Prince Mahavjiravudh? – Anxious.
Son
of the late King Chulalongkorn. Speak it softly.
B.
I. L. – What would happen if Roosevelt should drop suddenly out of sight?
He
would bob up again so quickly that you’d never know he’d been away.
______
Merely Autoing
Drexel,
the aviator, has been arrested for exceeding the speed limit, but Drexy was not
up in the air, by the way.
______
Gungy Small Talk
Hank
Stubbs – Understan’ Lem Hooker tumbled down his sullar stairs las’ night; did
it hurt him much?
Bige
Miller -Must hev; I understan’ he fell on hard cider.
______
Merely a Fill-in
Mrs.
Jabb – Will they ever get through talking about the tariff?
Mr.
Jabb – Yes, when something more exciting crops out.
______
Concerning Bubbles
(Contributed.)
A man named Law, with great eclat,
Some decades back made trouble;
He scared most men half out of ken
With his Mississippi Bubble.
But the bubble burst and they
learned the worst
And the world did not go under.
Our dads were schooled not to be
fooled.
How were they? Well, I wonder!
Now, what of us and all this fuss
About the Yellow Peril?
I half admit I was scared at it,
That tint of chrysoberyl,
And when I think of the printer’s
ink
Which published that big blunder
I say again, why will good men
Br roasted? Well, I wonder!
Perhaps of late at your garden gate
You gazed at the mighty Comet,
And if your clan was a Mussulman
You prayed to the good Mahomet.
Now Halley’s Hoax is classed with
jokes,
And we still live, by thunder!
Are you much vexed? Well watch the
next,
Will you bite at it? I wonder!
Boston. HARRY R. BLYTHE.
____________
Oct. 28, 1910
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
A
Moving Picture
They met in New
York,
They wed in Chicago;
They lived in St.
Paul,
Then came the embargo.
They quit in
Duluth,
Did he know, did she know?
He went to
Spokane,
She finished at Reno.
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“The
donkey may not hev a good ear fur music, but he hez a wonderful voice fur
orrertory.”
______
Baseball Note
Now
that the baseball stars haven’t anything more important on hand a lot of them
are getting married.
______
Success at the
Start
Hank
Stubbs – They do say thet Mandy Perkins be a comin’ out with one uv them new
hobble skirts.
Bige
Miller – Waal, Mandy’s nateral walk will fit in one all right, I’m thinkin’.
______
Guessing
He
(bashfully) – Does your mother object to – to kissing?
She
– Why, George, would you rather kiss mother than me?
______
Cheerful Comment
This
is good turkey weather.
A
New York lion hunt and no Teddy!
The
furnace hardly knows how to behave.
Will
it be “un-lucky” Beatrice Anita Turnbull Baldwin?
New
York’s 1913 fair has been fairly nipped in the bud.
How
better could T. R. spend his birthday than for his country?
Jack
Johnson, first in pugilism, evidently wants to be first in many other things.
Ellen
Terry deserves thanks; she didn’t even mention that awful thing, “farewell
tour.”
The
Hope diamond has bobbed up again, but lots of people would be willing to take a
chance on its luck.
Judge
Vandeventer isn’t going to let the Pacific coast hand the Atlantic any lemons
at a reduced figure.
______
Thursday’s Gale
(Contributed.)
What
a blustering bully rude
Can old god Oolus be
Amid
a city’s multitude
With a gale fresh from the sea.
How
he lifts the hats of fellows
’Bove the signboards of the stores;
How
he turns all inside outside,
How he round the buildings snores!
How
he trifles with the women,
How he shapes the form divine!
How
the bonnet and the coiffure
Struggle where the pins entwine!
Ah,
Oolus, wanton bully,
Just one single gain you point –
’Tis
the showing by the fillies
Of the comely pastern joint!
Melrose. T. B. F.
______
A Labor of Love
We
are surprised that the juvenile court of the District of Columbia should decide
that eating pie is an act of labor. It seems that a manager of a five-cent
theatre was prosecuted for inducing four colored boys, under the age of 14, to
engage in a pie-eating contest on the stage of his playhouse. The court held it
to be a violation of the child labor law. Our decision in a matter of this kind
would depend altogether upon the children as well as upon the pie.
We
have eaten pie before now, the accomplishment of which could well be termed
labor, and hard labor at that. Then again we have eaten pie that could be
called a joy beyond all description, and the more pie the longer and more drawn
out the peace and pleasure that accompanied it. There is no doubt in our mind
that the four boys engaged in this particular contest were ready and willing
performers. If labor entered into the question at all it must have been a labor
of love. Undoubtedly it was the chance of their lifetime, and they worked hard
to improve it. There was no accident to mar the interesting performance, and no
reports of acute indigestion in the papers next day. Really, we think the
juvenile court of the District of Columbia has a crust to ring down the curtain
on such an unquestionable labor of love as pie-eating contests between its
colored stage aspirants under 14 years of age.
______
The Senator’s
Discord
(Contributed.)
The
late U. S. Senator Gen. Gilman Marston of New Hampshire was a very abrupt man.
One time he was walking along the streets of Exeter, humming his favorite tune,
:Marching Through Georgia,” when
suddenly and without any warning a dog ran between his legs, almost upsetting
him. The old General turned about slowly and said: “D n that dog!” And then went right on
with his tune. H.
V. L.
____________
Oct. 29, 1910
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
The
Poet’s Aim
I do not want to write for fame,
I
do not want to write for wealth;
I do not want to write for game,
I
do not want to write for health.
I want to write so that my song
Will
reach the chords of some one’s heart,
And start the springs of love along
Which
have become dried up in part.
I want to touch the magic wire
That
touches God’s and Nature’s plan;
I want to waken and inspire
Brave
deeds within the heart of man.
But how can I thus hope to write,
To
stir a fellow being, too,
Unless I’m ready for the fight,
Lest
I. myself, am brave and true?
So then it is for every soul,
Who
thus would spread a noble thought,
Who would lead others to the goal,
To
deeds alone by heroes wrought,
He must a living model be,
A
soldier for the truth and right;
A fearless warrior if he
Would
win his soldiers for the fight.
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“Even
in a dry town some folks don’t know enough to keep in out uv the wet.”
______
Political Note
If
the lady smugglers ever become voters they will cast their ballots for free
trade to a man.
______
So to Speak
“When the outgo becomes greater than the income, what happens?”
“The
inevitable.”
______
Proof Enough
“He’s
a woman hater, isn’t he?”
“I
guess so; he’s forever hanging round where they are.”
______
Pavement
Philosophy
Good
cheer helps the job.
Don’t
be a freak, nor be freaked.
There
are two ways of doing good. Use only one.
A
kind word spoken is a dark cloud broken.
Most
get-rich-quick schemes are get-poor-quicker.
Being
barefooted is not excuse for not standing up in your boots.
It
doesn’t pay to be popular when you have to pay so much for it.
Late
to be and early to rise make a slow step and hollow eyes.
Tell
the truth when you can, and when you can’t don’t tell anything.
Man
is known by the company he keeps; so is the average boarding-house keeper.
If
there are no swear words in Esparanto how in the world can it ever become
popular?
A
man can truthfully call his sweetheart his treasure if she brings him a fat
enough dowry.
Isn’t
it funny, that when a fellow is up against it he is really a long way from it?
It’s
a poor rule that won’t work 11 inches off for a foot when the customer’s back
is turned.
With
all this talk about their being plenty of room at the top, does anybody really
know where the top is?
______
What Could Pa
Mean?
“How
quick is a wink, pa?”
“Well,
son, it all depends whether there’s a third party trying to catch you at it.”
______
Time and Money
“It’s
too bad they are not on speaking terms.”
“I
don’t know; he tells me he has saved a dollar and a half and has read two
novels since he ceased going there.”
______
To John D.
(Contributed.)
(With
John D. Rockefeller’s latest gift to the Institute for Medical Research his
total gifts to the institution amount to over $8,000,000. – News Item.)
Well,
John, I guess out thoughts of you
Must be a bit more kind;
So
often on the printed page
Such news as this we find.
No
longer will we question raise
How you your wealth did make;
The
man is blest who giveth much
For little children’s sake.
Who
injures these, my little ones,
The Lord and Master said,
’Twere
better far for him that he
To ocean depths were sped.
Who
giveth then his wealth to make
The children’s burdens light
Does
surely show, beyond a doubt.
That he at heart is right.
So,
John. when comes the time that you
These earthly scenes must quit,
We
trust the needle’s eye will not
Be found too tight a fit.
But
rather that the pearly gates
Will widely swing ajar,
And
you a welcome hoe will get
Where little children are.
Webster SAMUEL G. REA.
______
A Honey Bunch
Lost,
strayed or stolen, 40,000 honey bees. Anybody finding the above, in whole or
part, please return them to W. W. Gardner, Winsted, Ct. The inhabitants of Mr.
Gardner’s apiary made a bee-line for parts unknown some time last week, whether
by force of their own free will remains to be proven. Inasmuch as they took 60
pounds of honey with them it is safe to say that they probably had assistance.
Forty thousand bees could carry off 60 pounds of honey, but they couldn’t do it
in a lump sum. Mr. Gardner is looking for individuals who have been stung,
since he believes his bees couldn’t have been removed forcibly without
resenting it, especially at this time of year, with winter coming on, but it
looks to us as though Mr. Gardner is the one who has been stung.
____________
Oct. 30, 10
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
Over
Her Glass
O, Hilda is fair as the blush of the morn,
Her
lips are as red as red wine;
And the light in her eyes when aglow with
surprise,
Is
a light that approaches divine.
I like to watch Hilda when sipping her
tea,
She’s
such a bright, cheerisome lass;
For she’s at her the best when drinking
with zest
With
her eyes looking over her glass.
Her eyes are like stars that dance in the
night,
And
look through the veil of my soul;
They give me a thrill, and she knows that
they will,
And
a hunger I cannot control.
She sits and she sips, all unconscious,
‘twould seem,
Of
the harm she is causing, alas!
All the blood in my veins seems to deluge
my brains
When
she looks at me over her glass.
Oh, Hilda is young, and exceedingly fair,
And
knows not a care of the day;
And whenever we dine her laughter, like
wine,
Seems
to drive all my burdens away.
I like her wherever she chances to be,
She’s
a winsome and lovable lass,
But I like her the best, when her fair
lips are prest,
And
she looks at me over her glass.
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“Allus
seize time by the forelock an’ a bull by the horns, but grab oppertunerty any
ol’ way you kin git holt.”
______
Smuggle Note
Seasickness
may interfere with the duty of a passenger to some extent, but it must not
interfere with the “duties” of the government.
______
Cheerful Comment
No
wooing by wireless for us.
The
pigskin is quite an airship, too.
Is
Grahame-White to succeed Abruzzi as an engager?
That
millionaire private soldier has to begin all over again.
Betrothed
couples are hoping that crating bridal couples won’t become popular.
The
weather can’t please the coal dealers and the ultimate consumers, also.
We’ll
bet nobody picked the Col.’s pocket unless ’twas when he was asleep.
We
will have a high-brow army when it becomes equipped with aeroplanes.
The
Boston Elevated motormen are now walking their vehicles around the curves.
If
both political parties are as bad as their opponents say they are, it is the
greatest wonder in the world they weren’t both jailed long ago.
______
Does This Mean
You?
We
are always suspicious of a man who wears a cap after he has passed his 40th
year.
______
Gungy Precaution
Hank
Stubbs – Our new teacher is a normal school graduate, so I hear.
Bige
Miller – I’m glad uv thet. I shouldn’t feel safe hevin’ a unnormal school ma’m
round here.
______
The Election
(Contributed.)
The
fateful day is nearing,
We have not long to wait;
For
soon we shall be hearing
What is the country’s fate.
Republicans
all tell us,
In words that are emphatic,
The
dire things that befell us
When last was Democratic.
They
state in peroration,
Prosperity you see
Because
we are a nation
Run by the G. O. P.
The
Democrats are saying
The tariff is a sin;
These
prices we are paying
Will drop when they get in.
Just
give the Rep’s a beating,
They’ll have you understand,
And
have the trusts all eating
Right out of your own hand.
Whichever
is the winner,
Whate’er the party name,
You’ll
find your Sunday dinner
Will cost about the same.
Dorchester. H. E. F.
____________
Oct. 31, 1910
No comments:
Post a Comment