JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
Cheerful Comment
Congratulations
to Bingville!
You
may lick your cone in safety. Johnson appears to be the champion scorcher,
also.
That
“ban” is a bad Outlook for its chief contributor.
Some
folks build bungalows, while others only get as far as the bungle.
We
have never heard that President Taft is particularly fond of cider and maple
syrup.
Uncle
Joe may be a stand-stiller, but he isn’t a still-talker, he is talking still.
The
incarcerated mayor of Lawrence is trying to convince his followers that he isn’t
being used White.
Any
man who would swindle his wife out of $13,000 is not fit man to have around the
house.
Hope
the Grand Trunk will smother that strike before the American Press Humorists
convene in Montreal, Aug. 1. If they don’t the jokes on that occasion will be
strikingly one color.
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“Sometimes
a day off is wuss than two days on.”
______
Willing to Prove
Dr.
Wiley pronounces the kiss harmless. But, girls, you don’t need to take Dr.
Wiley’s word for it altogether; we believe we can prove it to you
satisfactorily if the occasion requires.
______
He Can’t
Caller
– You never let a chance go by to make a joke, do you?
Prof.
Humorist – You mean a dollar.
______
Why, That’s So
You know, there’s one thing about these actor folks that puzzles me.”
“What
is it?”
“I
often wonder why they don’t stay married and save themselves the trouble and
expense of getting hitched so many times.”
______
Easy Essays
This has been an
off year for the fly. He has been somewhat nipped in the bud, and when anything
is nipped in the bud you can’t expect very much of an opening. His common
enemy, man, or rather woman, laid for him early and often at the beginning of
the fly season, so that when he appeared he didn’t find the garrison asleep.
And the only way to exterminate the fly is to nip him in the bud; steal the
march on him. To surprise him in camp, as it were. The great army of fly
killers have done good work and are to be congratulated.
There is nothing
new to say about the fly. He has been before the public for a long time, till
everybody is quite familiar with his appearance as well as his actions. He is
small of body, has two wings and six legs. Of course, having six
legs gives him an advantage over anything having but two. Then he can walk
upside down, hang by one fin and do lots of things the human couldn’t think of
doing. It is said the fly has a thousand eyes. We don’t believe this, but we
feel sure that he has five or six hundred, and all of them working. It is hard
work to catch a fly asleep, and you never can come up to him head on. If you
expect to get a starter on him at all it must be done from the rear. Even then
he will see you if his age isn’t against him.
The Latin name for
the fly is “musca domestica.” It ought to be even worse than that. “Musca
domestica” is almost a poetical name as compared to what the fly deserves. But,
after all, that is only his professional name; in private life he is called
something fierce. We have heard actual ladies calling him names. The three best
known ways to catch the fly is via the sticky fly paper, the spatter and the
butter plate. Leave the butter plate on the table between meals and his feet
will become so well greased that it will be an easy matter to run him down. It
is equal to oiling the track of a locomotive. We would tell you where the flies
go in winter if we had time, but the telephone is ringing.
______
Accusing
the Daisy
A maiden stood out
in the field
Where wondrous daisies grew;
Although she knew
it not, I stood
Behind her, out of view.
She plucked a
daisy from its stem,
Then hung her pretty head;
“He loves me,” and
“he loves me not,”
Alternatively she said.
Around the flower
her fingers crept,
The petals falling fast;
Her heart a-throb
with hope and fear
How it might count at last.
“He loves me,” and
“he loves me not,”
She murmured soft and low;
And on her cheek I
saw a flush
To shame the sunset’s glow.
“He loves me,” and
“he loves me not,”
At last the petal fell;
“He loves me not,”
and in her eyes
There came a misty spell.
I stole behind her
bending form
And cried, my heart a-bliss:
“The daisy lies!”
And then I sealed
The verdict with a kiss!
____________
July 21, 1910
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
Irregularity
I do not like to take a chosen path
Through
woodlands still;
I like to wander aimlessly along,
Devoid
of will.
I like to be awake when all the world
Is
fast asleep;
I do not like to make engagements, then
I’ve
none to keep.
I like to choose a book at random best,
From
row on row,
Then get acquainted with some soul I ne’er
Had
thought to know.
I do not like to work day after day,
In
workman style;
I like to work with tigerish impulse,
Then
loaf awhile.
But when the time arrives for me to eat,
There
will I be;
And pay-day, too, is when I like the reg-
Ularity.
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“Them
who dance not on’y hev to pay the fiddler, but the hull orchestra, the prompter
an’ the rent.”
______
Everyday
Philosophy
Some
travel in-cog, and some on-hog.
Humanity’s
weak; that’s why it needs a bracer so often.
Women
are most interesting when they seem the least interested.
He
who kills time shows very plainly that his ambition is already dead.
In
times of peace many folks prepare to get hold of a bigger one.
Every
man ought to bend to his work, but not become bent by his work.
Even
if you do believe all you hear it isn’t necessary to tell it to the next
fellow.
Perfumery
has been at the bottom of more than one proposal.
Show
us a summer resort without a mosquito and we’ll show you a shop girl who doesn’t
chew gum.
There’s
nothing made in working overtime unless you are going to look after it in a
business way.
It
is quite easy to distinguish the sausage and buckwheat eaters from the
breakfast food cranks.
When
people talk about making a barrel of money you can make up your own mind that
there are no heads in the barrel.
______
All the Year Round
Some
love the summer girl the best,
And some the winter maid;
But
circumstances make the test
For me, I am afraid,
In
summer time the summer maid
Doth set my heart awhirl;
And
when the winter season’s on
‘Tis then the winter girl.
______
Henry’s Future
Mother
Stumpp – Listen to this, pa: Henry writes thet he hez ambitions to study fur
the stage.
Father
Stumpp – When you write him ag’in tell him he’d better study fur the mowin’
machine.
______
Lumber Higher
A
few weeks ago there appeared a bright streak along the lumber horizon owing to
the fact that the price had taken a slight drop. The young man about to be
married talked it over with his best girl and they decided that if lumber was
coming down they would build the nest instead of occupying a second-hand one
and paying rent. The carpenter, who had been out of a job a good share of the
winter began to hear the squawk of the cutting off saw and the “tum-tum” of the
small hammer, and his wife went so far as to plan a course of lessons on the
piano for their oldest daughter. The dealers weren’t particularly happy over the
letting up on the high prices, but the ultimate consumer was joyous.
Now,
comes a dispatch from Pittsburg that casts gloom, not over the smoky city,
because a little extra gloom wouldn’t be noticed there, but over the country in
general, because that most ravenous of animals, the goat, has taken a liking to
lumber. The tin cans, loose bricks and other back yard supplies having been
consumed, the goats of Pittsburg have begun eating up the line fences, 15 of
them having devoured a 40-foot line fence in one night. If that is true of
Pittsburg it must also be true of other localities, and if the goats of the
country get the wood appetite what will it mean to the lumber market? It means
that forestry will be of no avail, and that lumber will rise again, and the
dreams of the affectionate young couple will be turned to nightmares, and
instead of building a home of their own they will, if they decide to get
married, be obliged to go out and hire a last year’s bird’s nest.
______
When Lindy Plays
(Contributed.)
When
Lindy plays I feel like making from her house a dash,
She
bangs down with her left hand – with her right one, zip, boom, crash
;Of
course, you know it’s awful, but you say it’s very nice,
And
then she goes a-pounding on – she thinks she makes a smash.
When
Lindy plays, she grunts and groans, as if it were quite hard
To
spell off all the dances she has had upon her card;
She
knows that you enjoy it, so she keeps a-pounding on,
She’d
use her muscles better beating rugs out in the yard.
When
Lindy plays, upon her face she wears a vacant stare;
For
your enraptured gaze, a mass of towsled hair;
And
then she turns around at last, and asks you how she did.
To
say a ting except “It’s fine,” you know you wouldn’t dare.
HAROLD BROWN FREEMAN.
Rangeley, Me.
____________
July 22, ‘10
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
Ame
Green’s Fish Story
“I’d
ruther fish for pickerel than any fish there be,”
Said
Amos Green in Stokes’ Store the other night to me;
“Why,
durn it all, there ain’t no fish in this hull bloomin’ state,
Thet’s
got the snap a pick’rel hez when takin’ holt the bait.
An’
speshly in the mornin’ when the weather’s cool an’ right;
I
tell you mister pickerel will put up quite a fight.
Will
give you all you wanter do to git him in the boat,”
Said
Amos Green a-scratchin’ uv the whiskers round his throat.
“That’s
queer,” Jed Martin says to Ame, who scratched away serene,
“I’ve
been around the crick a lot an’ I hev never seen
You
out a-ketchin’ pickerel the way you say you’ve done;
Fact
is, I’ve never seen you there a-ketchin ary one.”
“I
said,” says Amos, ‘twixt his chaws, “I’d RUTHER ketch ‘em, Jed,
I
didn’t say I hed, did I?” An’ Martin shook his head.
“I
thought ‘twuz true to change the style,” said Amos with a stretch,
“Describin’
in a diffrunt way the fish I didn’t ketch!”
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“It
is very pleasant to hev some one allus agree with you. But the feller you
remember the longest is the feller who don’t.”
______
Art Note
The
artistic temperament seems to be the one most apt eventually to find its way to
the divorce court.
______
Outing Note
Lots
of people who are looking for a week-end vacation appear to want to start about
Monday.
______
Somewhat Related
Hank
Stubbs – Seth Scroggs says he’s ‘bout made up his mind thet he’s got the
hook-worm.
Bige
Miller – Thet’s Seth’s defernition fur the lazy bug.
______
Missourians
Tommie
– Do you believe that story about Daniel in the den of lions?
Johnnie
– Naw; them was only stuffed Teddy lions.
______
Musings of the
Office Boy
The
difference between a job and a position is about two hours.
It’s
all right to say “Smoke up” if it’s follwed with goods.
“Take
your time and hurry up” is pretty hard advice to foller.
Between
the barrette and the lookin’ glass the stenog’ has plenty to do.
If
all the time killers was in jail they’d be a pretty small crowd outside.
It
is hard to think that the boss in the office and at the ball game is one and
the same person.
It
is easy to tell by the sound of a
man’s voice at the ‘phone whether he’s talkin’ to a pretty girl or to someone
who’s tryin’ to collect a bill.
______
Game
to the Last
It’s funny how
some games work out,
And win the cup;
In baseball, when
the last man’s down,
The game is up.
______
Women Hypnotists
A
New York saloon keeper recently had two gypsy women arrested on the ground of
hypnotizing him and securing $10 of his money. This is the first time we have
ever read of a saloon keeper being hypnotized. But of course two pretty female
hypnotists working together in perfect unison can accomplish a great deal in
the hypnotic line. On the whole the saloon keeper got off pretty easy. A $10
hypnotic spell is hardly worth mentioning. It is the $50,000 hypnotic case that
attracts widespread attention. Of course the saloon keeper has this much in his
favor: The two gypsy women in question were very pretty and were about 20 years
of age. The powers of a pretty 20-year-old hypnotist must be very overpowering.
This
hypnotic idea opens up some rare possibilities for the man who loses his coin
away from home, and doubtless will be worked to its utmost capacity, but we can’t
see where it is going to make any change in the domestic touch. When wifey
extracts a few dollars from the pay envelope or from the limp trousers as they
hang over a chair, can the monarch of the domicile consistently say he was
hypnotized? It would be nearer the truth perhaps if he were to say he was
terrorized.
______
Hobson’s Choice
(Contributed.)
The rich man takes a special train, the
king his coach of state,
The picnic fills the farmer’s wain, the
beggar hugs the freight,
The chariot whirls the bride to church,
the taxi speeds the groom,
The lovers make the buggy lurch, the
banker owns his brougham.
The ambulance the wounded takes, the
doctor autos round,
The prison van removes the fakes, the
stretcher lifts the drowned.
The boy a bicycle bestrides, the sport a
tandem drives,
The babe a basket carriage rides, the
trolley takes our wives.
The farmer rides most anything, the
railroads carry all,
The sailor board his ship will spring, the
police their wagon call.
And some will choose a hack or gig, and
some a landaulet,
And some most any kind of rig – dog cart
or wagonette.
But one there is that none will choose,
yet ‘twill to each befall,
And none of us will it refuse – the hearse
will take us all!
Melrose. T.
F.
____________
July 23, ‘10
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
The
Dream Castle
‘Tis not a big castle upon a high hill,
With
turrets and ramparts of stone;
Whose towering sides, where the swallow
abides,
Are
hidden with vines overgrown.
Where travelers falter and view from afar
Its
roof as it flashes and gleams;
Nay, nay, not at all, is it grand, is it
tall,
The
castle I see in my dreams.
Were I young, with the measure of years at
my feet,
With
the ardor of youth in my breast,
Then my castle would stand, like a monument
grand,
On
the heights of the far away crest.
And my soldiers would picket the ramparts
of stone.
And
‘twould give to my poets their themes;
But the years they have passed, and
diminished at last
Is
the castle I see in my dreams.
All I ask for me now is a tiny abode
Where
the forest my neighbor shall be;
Where the lake calm and blue is forever in
view,
And
my boat is e’er ready for me.
Where my health should be good and my
wants shall be few,
Where
life is always what it seems;
Ah! That is the way that I see life today,
The
castle I see in my dreams!
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“It
takes two to make a bargain, but sometimes a third party gits the best end uv
it.”
______
Vacation Note
If
you have got to earn your vacation before you go, and then make up for it after
you get back it will be more restful perhaps to stay on the job.
______
Gungy Insight
Hank
Stubbs – Autos kick up an awful dust, don’t they?
Bige
Miller – Yes, an’ use it up awful, too.
______
Pavement
Philosophy
Pay
dirt is clean stuff.
Ants
naturally enjoy picnics.
Kidnapping
is not popular with the young.
Some
barefoot dancing is barefaced effrontery.
The
alarm clock is one of the necessary evils.
Sometimes
a person is shocked but not jarred.
A
real friend in need seldom lets you know it.
Sometimes
green peas are not as green as they look.
The
smile that won’t come off is hard to grin and bear.
Some
get too much outdoor life, and some get too little.
The
bathing suit is very beautiful until it gets wet.
Scandal
is a good deal the way it is peddled around.
Putting
one’s shoulder to the wheel isn’t all there is to it.
The
social whirl is all right until the keyhole gets to moving.
We
look up the weather reports, then admire our own opinions.
Unfortunately,
the tried and true things have to be second-hand.
Some
people’s methods of hurrying is simply jumping up and down.
There
are several ways of being broke, and none of them at all desirable.
Isn’t
it funny, a society dress is apt to be cut low in every way except the price!
One
of the greatest comforts of life is the thought that we could do a whole lot
better than the other fellow.
______
“The Brown-Tailed
Moths Arrive”
–
Herald, July 7.
(With
congratulations to Shelly.)
Hail to thee, dark spirit,
Insect,
bug or thing;
That, from sheol, or near it,
Bringest
thy fell sting,
And brushest us with hairs let fall from
shirring wing.
Sharp as is the stinging
Of
the dreaded “skeet,”
Whose voice is ever singing
Up
and down the street,
Thy hairs we hardly see we
FEEL that they are there.
What thou art we know not;
What
is most like thee?
Through hades streams there go not
Forms
so dread to see
As gnat, or wasp, or hornet, or “skeet,”
of thee!
Boston. E. W. G.
______
Easy Essays
(The
Woodchuck.)
The
woodchuck is not made of wood as many are prone to think. He is a little,
brown-colored animal about the size of a house cat (if the cat is full grown)
and lives in the ground; or under the ground would perhaps be getting nearer
home. Very little is known concerning the woodchuck’s domestic life. If he has
any good qualities he must keep them in his hole in the ground because all that
he does outside is not to his credit. He comes onto a farm, digs his igloo and
takes full possession, eating whatever of the farmer’s assets as pleases his
fancy. He is very fond of nice ripe grain, and won’t turn his back upon choice
winter squash if the coast is clear.
One
peculiarity about the woodchuck is that he is visible but part of the season.
In this respect he is not unlike the summer visitor, being right on deck while
the vegetables last. During the long winter months he is said to burrow, lying
perfectly dormant, earning nothing and eating nothing, not caring whether
school keeps or not. If this is true the woodchuck is certainly to be envied.
Excavating into the woodchuck regions has developed the fact that the man of
the house doesn’t lay up anything for a rainy day, so the theory that the woodchuck
rests on his laurels through to winter months is undoubtedly correct.
The
dictionary inventor has seen fit to call the woodchuck the “Arctomys monax,”
whatever that is. That may be all right for science, but the average farmer
call him a “gosh dern nuisance,” which is probably more correct. It is not very
pleasant when you are walking across a field after night has shut in, hunting
for the cows, to step into a woodchuck hole and break your leg and have to
crawl back home a mile or so on your hands and knees. It would irritate almost
anybody, even a woodchuck enthusiast. About the only good point about the
woodchuck is that he is a digger. Lots of easy-going people could take a lesson
from the woodchuck in this respect. Always remember, that when you are trying
to dig out a woodchuck the woodchuck keeps digging, too.
____________
July 24, ‘10
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
The
Four Crowds
Four
crowds in the running to go to their toil,
To
enter the city and labor for spoil;
Four
crowds as distinct as the classes of old,
But
whose objects are like – the earning of gold.
Four
crowds in the morning, with sadness or song;
To
which crowd do you, brother, or sister, belong?
There’s
the six o’clock, seven, the eight and the nine,
All
streaming to town in a serpent-like line.
The
six o’clock crowd has its lunch in a pail,
It
must be on its job, and it never must fail;
It
is clad in its work clothes, its overalls blue,
And
its shirt at the neck is well open to view.
And
it smokes, and converses in ways that are loud,
But
it’s healthy and cheerful, this six o’clock crowd.
It
handles the horses that clatter all day
Where
traffic is heavy and cursing holds sway.
The
seven o’clock crowd has its lunch in a box,
And
’tis smarter a trifle in collars and frocks;
It
fills the hot factories, and opens the stores,
And
rubs the large brasses on stairways and doors.
But
the eight o’clock crowd is the greatest of all,
As
it swarms like a legion attacking a wall;
A
stream of bright maidens, with beauty endowed,
O,
wondrous indeed, is the eight o’clock crowd.
Then
with dignity, weight and finances endowed
Comes
the Captains of Trade, the nine o’clock crowd.
The
bankers, the brokers, the Sampsons who keep
The
financial powers from going to sleep.
Four
crowds as distinct as the classes of old,
But
with similar object, the earning of gold.
Each
needing the other, to make the design –
The
six and the seven, the eight and the nine!
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“They’s
a lot uv people who work so hard to keep cool that they are allus in a sweat.”
______
Engagement Note
The
sooner the young man who is in love and engaged gets married the better for
everybody; he can’t have his mind on the girl and on the job and do justice to
both.
______
Where Cider Comes
in
Hank
Stubbs – Apple crop round Gungy ain’t much to talk about this year.
Bige
Miller – Ain’t very promisin’ for “surprise parties” next winter, I’m thinkin’.
______
Cooling Off
“There’s
a coldness sprung up between Harry and Maude, I hear.”
“Yes;
and isn’t it almost paradoxical?”
“How
so?”
“He
hasn’t been a bit generous with ice cream invitations this summer.”
______
Cobb’s Reputation
“Is
Cobb’s motor air-cooled or water-cooled?”
“It
must be water-cooled; there’s no such thing as cool air where Cobb is.”
______
Beware
“A little nonsense
now and then
Is relished by the
best of men”;
But if it’s
stretched from toe to crown,
The worst of men
will turn it down.
______
Dog-Day Mercies
(Contributed.)
The locust shrilleth in the dusty elm
His
clanging, hostile, stinging note of heat,
I
from the majesty of fire retreat,
Sealing my house, as cavalier his helm,
Lest noon should ruthlessly my brain o’erwhelm
With
its remorseless, cruel, solar beat.
Deserted
is the glaring city street,
Bald-headed prophet of a slandered realm.
Snug in my study, with a cube of ice
A
muslined lady and a frigid poet;
The day may prove a very pearl of price
If
love, and song, and beauty can bestow it.
My pity, Oh, my brother, wanting these
cool mercies;
Then, too, four-footed friend, unconscious
of my verses.
Somerville. H.
A. KENDALL.
____________
The Greater Work
(By Edward Wilbur Mason in the National Magazine.)
For
art’s dear sake! In age and youth
One toiled beneath the sun and moon
And
saw within the wells of truth
The midnight stars at noon.
And
one for joy of labor bent
Above his tasks with soul of fire;
Ere
long he saw a continent
Girdled with steel and wire.
For
wealth and lure thereof each hour
One slaved nor thought of else beside.
He
knew the circumstance of power –
The vanity of pride.
Yet
still another toiled with heart
That to its childhood ideals clung.
For
duty’s sake he did his part
And lived his life unsung!
July 25, ‘10
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
Hay
In the Barn
He worked all day
Out in the field;
His crop of hay
Was one fine yield.
And he felt gay
(This is no yarn)
When all his hay
Was in the barn.
He didn’t know
A deal of art;
In pomp and show
He played no part.
But joy his lot,
And wide his grin,
Because he’d got
His hay all in.
And you, my
friend,
Whate’er you do,
Should keep this
end
Fore’er in view.
Are you a clerk,
Or actor gay,
Keep hard at work,
And make your hay.
Are you a king
Or peasant plain,
The barn’s the
thing
For all your grain.
While shines the
sun
Just make your hay;
Then, when it’s
done,
Stack it away.
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“Ev’rybuddy
hez got to be ‘hez beens’ sometime or other, but they don’t wanter hurry it up
any uv their own accord.”
______
Outing Note
They
say a change is as good as a rest, but with some people the more change they
have the less rest they are apt to get.
______
Cheerful Comment
Speed
a-weigh the butter boat!
That
bath tub trust doesn’t worry some
people.
There
were 500,000 suffragists strong, but not strong enough.
The
Nicaraguan misunderstanding and the Panama canal keep going.
If
you don’t write love letters they will never be read in court.
This
latest theory of drinking a lot of water with meals will strike some as pretty
dry.
A
woman who can show men a few things about poker certainly is intelligent enough
to vote.
If
Jeff couldn’t come back in 1910 how is he going to return in 1915 to 1920,
which is probably as soon as anything would come to a focus?
It
is the old story over again. First comes the airship, next the airship
destroyer, and now the destroyer of the airship destroyer.
When
the convention of the Independent Biscuit and Cracker Manufacturers’
Association took a sail down the harbor it was like casting bread upon the
waters.
______
Unanswered Yet
“Mama,”
said little Harry, peering over the dough-board with much interest.
“What
is it dear?”
“If
making bread makes white hands, like I’ve heard you tell sister, where does the
dirt go?”
______
In the Nick of
Time
“I
never got any results from advertising ”
Here
the solicitor interrupted by throwing up his hands in astonishment and took in
a long breath preparatory to 10 minutes’ deluge of the merits of his company,
when the business man continued: “Because I’ve never advertised.”
______
Forcing the Truth
“A
penny for your thoughts,” said he, trying to read her eyes in the dim
moonlight.
“They
are not worth it,” she replied, looking wearily out to sea.
“Then
I insist on knowing them,” he pleaded, drawing dangerously near.
“You
won’t be shocked?”
“No,
indeed.”
“Well,
then, I – I was thinking of you.”
A
long silence followed, broken only by the distant lapping of the unsympathetic
waves.
______
Wouldn’t Do for
Gungy
Hank
Stubbs – Ma says she don’t think much uv the new house her nephew is buildin’
down to Newport.
Bige
Miller – What don’t she like?
Hank
Stubbs – She says the ceilin’s are so durned high they’s no chanct to slap
muskeeters.
______
Undesirable
Literature
(Contributed.)
(Law
bars Outlook from Hutchinson, Kan., because of Roosevelt article on prize
fight. – News item.)
He wrote of fight, said ‘twasn’t right,
In
Outlook, did the colonel,
But way out West, where they know best,
Such
stuff is thought infernal.
O Kansas folk, is this a joke?
Your
lawmakers are vernal;
‘Tis sad, alas, that you should class
It
as a yellow journal!
Dorchester. H. E. F.
____________
July 26, 1910
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
Haying
with Helen
I’ve hayed with my
father,
When I was a boy;
And I can assure
you
I found it no joy.
I’ve hayed with
the neighbors
For so much per day;
But ne’er could I
relish
The making of hay.
I’ve hayed in the
morning,
At breaking of dawn;
I’ve swung the old
cutter
With muscle and brawn.
But never till
lately,
In fact till today,
Have I really been
happy
At making the hay.
But Helen came with
me,
Fair Helen from town;
Fair Helen with
dimples,
And tresses of brown.
She raked the
stray grasses,
And followed the cart;
But Oh, she did
greater,
She raked my poor heart!
Ah! Haying with
Helen,
While birds sang their lays;
While nature was
shrouded
In mystical haze.
I’ve hayed with my
father,
Resentful and blind;
But haying with
Helen
Is joy undefined!
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“Money
talks, but what it says ain’t allus wuth listnin’ to.”
______
Pleasure Note
It
is safe to say, in the face of all that happened on the water last Sunday, that
bathers and boaters will do the very same thing next Sunday.
______
Wouldn’t Do for
Gungy
Hank
Stubbs – Ma says she don’t think much uv the new house her nephew is buildin’
down to Newport.
Bige
Miller – What don’t she like?
Hank
Stubbs – She says the ceilin’s are so durned high they’s no chanct to slap
muskeeters.
______
A Seaside Tragedy
Summer
girl – So you leave here tonight?
Summer
hero – Yes; duty calls me home. I have risked my job to be with you two more
days already.
Summer
girl – You don’t appear to be pained at the parting.
Summer
hero – My heart bleeds to leave you.
Summer
girl – Oh, Alphonso, Alphonso, must you go? I can’t live without you!
Summer
hero – Ye gods, Claribel, I must. The train is rounding the curve now!
Summer
girl – All right, Alphonso; here comes Charlie Whiteducks. Good joke, wasn’t
it? Good-bye; good-bye!
______
Cheerful Comment
China
has insurgents, too.
Crippen
can’t dodge the wireless.
“Wheat
rises in Paris.” Glad it isn’t the Seine.
We
need “showers of blessings” – also of rain.
Talking
won’t raise the Maine; it only raises the ire.
Beverly
expects her wandering sailor boy about Thursday.
Perhaps
one reason eggs don’t drop is because it might hurt them.
And
old man “Jeff” isn’t the only sport who can’t “come back” on his job.
Although
Cavalieri never helped our beauty any we are extremely sorry she is ill.
Moral:
If you are going to dive into the water to save somebody take your pocketbook
with you.
Perhaps
Champion Johnson feels that he needs to help himself in the limelight in order
that he may be seen distinctly.
If
seven aeroplanes can be wrecked while safely housed in sheds, what might not
happen to them if they were on the wing?
______
Those Blue-Milk
Cows
The
secret is out at last. Even a cow can’t always keep a secret. Jack Miller of
Thomaston, Ct., picked a pail of blueberries, and seeking a few moments’ rest
he lay down in the shade of the old apple tree and went to sleep. On awakening
he found his pail nearly empty, but thought the strong rays of the sun had
drawn his berries aloft. That night when he went to milk one of his bossies he
found she was giving blue milk. Old brindle had been the robber, and couldn’t
deny the accusation. Jack thinks that he has made a discovery that will be
worth while. He is going to do a little experimenting now with red raspberries,
blackberries and green gooseberries. He thinks he can produce any tint of milk
desired by customers who have strong eyes for color. Meanwhile city people who
have been worrying about blue milk will understand that probably their dealers
have been feeding their cows a few blueberries.
____________
July 27, 1910
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
The
Witching Hour
When hearts are young, and love is new,
And Cupid
holds full power,
There somewhere near the midnight clear
Descends the
witching hour.
Love likes to have the world asleep,
And have the
lamps turned low;
Love heeds the power the witching hour
Wields in
its semi-glow.
Ah, fate! My heart’s no longer young,
Though
love’s not lost its power.
No more I wait the moments late
For
midnight’s witching hour.
My witching hour now comes to me
When day has
sunken low,
And in the west, behind yon crest
The sunset
bursts aglow.
The twilight is the witching hour,
When labor
rests its arm;
When peace serene steals o’er the scene,
And dusk
enshrouds the farm.
Then hand in hand with her I sit,
And feel
again love’s power;
Though years have flown our love has grown,
And changed
the witching hour!
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“A
man hez got to do pretty simple things to attain an’ retain greatness.”
______
Sporting Note
If
we are to have the Jeffries-Johnson pictures in the dailies and weeklies why
not have them in the moving picture houses?
______
Why They Don’t
Speak
She
– Will you love me when I’m old, dear?
He
– I love you now.
______
Began Too Soon
Mr.
Rocks – This titled foreigner wants to marry our daughter.
Mrs.
Rocks – How delightful! Is he a baron?
Mr.
Rocks – Very barren; he tried to touch me for fifty.
______________________
THE FAITH CURE
[By
the Bentztown Bard in the Baltimore Sun.]
Forty
grains of laughter on a sunbeam on your tongue,
Forty
grains of gladness in a cup of Ever Young,
Forty
whiffs of springtime on the golden brim of day,
Where
love of life goes dancing in the bloomy arms of May.
Forty
winks of slumber on the hills of velvet dew,
And
overhead the little stars that gem the deeps of blue;
Forty
drops of crystal from the tumbling mountain stream,
With
love to pluck your blossoms in the lanes of lovely dream.
Forty
happy moments where the birds of summer sing,
And
beauty takes her phantom way upon an airy wing;
Forty
fiddling fairies in the bosky woodland dell,
With lips of childhood laughter bidding all your
cares farewell.
Oh,
leave the little cankers and by faith we’ll make you whole,
Who
keep our good green country for the comfort of the soul,
And
give you wine of morning and the brew of joy to drink,
Where
love beside the ripples leans with lips upon the brink!
Forty
grains of sunshine and an hour or two of glee
Across
the cool, clean meadows and beneath the greenwood tree;
You’ll
need no other physic, and you’ll go to bed at night
With
dreams of dawns of magic in the dells of fairy light.
Forty
drops of bramble path adown a vale of bloom,
And
bid the little aches good-bye that tied you to your room!
Forty
drops of youth again beside the stream and hill,
Where
all the childhood phantoms dwell and life is sweet and still.
____________
July 28, ‘10
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
Its Annual Visit
(Contributed.)
(Sea
serpent seen off Nahant by D. A. Donovan. – News item.)
The time is late the guests are booked
The
season’s on the wane;
But up to date, each day we’ve looked,
‘Till
now it was in vain.
No news in print of monsters strange,
No
one had got a peep,
Not e’en a squint by those who range
Upon
the vasty deep.
But now it’s here, seen in the bay;
Plain
through a big spy glass
Did it appear, they all do say,
And
surely showed some class.
‘Twas huge and long, some fifty feet,
With
jaws a-gaping wide;
‘Twas swimming strong with its web feet
A-battling
‘gainst the tide.
From all accounts it is the same
That
called on us last year;
Without a doubt it’s getting tame,
To
come our shores so near.
This story’s straight, in every way,
‘Twas
seen by Donovan;
At any rate, the papers say,
He’s
not a drinking man.
* * * * * *
He saw it pass while there he sat,
With
telescope to view;
Had we a glass as strong as that
We
might have seen it, too!
Dorchester. H. E.
F.
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“Mum
may be the word, but ez a rule it ain’t used ha’f enough.”
______
Humorous Note
This
week’s number of Judge is devoted to the American Press Humorists. It would now
seem that the funny men ought to be devoted to Judge.
______
Making a
Correction
Hank
Stubbs – You remember thet woman I told you ‘bout who went through here with
her dress upside down?
Bige
Miller – Yaas.
Hank
Stubbs – Waal, ma says I wuz mistook; she says it wuz one uv the hobble gowns.
______
Cheerful Comment
That
Russell will case won’t cease.
Harvard
expects an uplift beginning Sept. 3.
Have
you engaged passage for that first trip to Panama?
It
is doubtful if “Jeff” wants to try to “come back” at “John.”
The
little Cuban insurrection blossom has been nipped in the bud.
Young
Kermit is a long way from home, and in a very, very wicked city.
The
light in the tower of the Cambridge church was not hung there for signal
purposes.
The
Cleveland gum girls are out on a strike, and now the managers are chewing it
over.
Rhode
Island is going to put up the biggest clambake ever for President Taft. Well,
they’ll need to.
Reported
that Laura Jean Libbey is going on the stage. Cheer up, boys, there’s hope for
us yet.
If
finders of lost money are to get a rate reward of only $1.50 per $11,000 it
behooves them to try to find larger rolls.
Doesn’t
Marshall P. Wilder, the humorist, who is lying ill of acute indigestion at
Atlantic City, know that laughing is a sure cure for digestive troubles?
______
Ahoy
There!
Doc’ Crippen sails
the ocean blue,
Seasickness not his store;
But he’ll be
land-sick, I’ll be blowed,
When once he gets ashore.
______
Robin, the Robber
John
Petsel, a Germantown, Columbia county, N. Y., farmer, has filed a claim in
state court for damages to his cherry crop, caused by robins. Mr. Petsel
declares that the robins, birds protected by the state, have destroyed 150
baskets of cherries, at 35 cents each, and he wants the state to reimburse him.
And Mr. Petsel is quite right. Certain New England states protect the deer,
which are multiplying and replenishing the earth at a tremendous rate, and when
deer destroy crops, which they frequently do, the state pays the damage. If a
person or persons sneak on to your property and steal your belongings you have
redress in the law. The law would be extremely soft-hearted over the killing of
a burglar caught burgling, but the saucy robin may perch himself on a luscious
bough of your cherry tree and gobble all the cherries he wants, then drop the
stones down the back of your neck. One or two robins gormandizing cherries
wouldn’t make much of a showing, but 500 hundred strong, devouring fruit from
morning till night would soon make a cherry tree look like a raise umbrella
without any cloth on it.
The
old saying that the early bird gets the worm is lost in the shuffle here.
Mister Robin doesn’t care a hang about the worm, early or late, as long as
cherries are in season. The early bird gets the cherry, and not only that, he
gets the whole crop. He leaves no stone unturned. Bird lovers say, quite
generously, “Oh, let the robin have a few cherries; don’t be so small!” The
farmers would be satisfied if the robin would take only a hand share, otherwise
known as the picker’s share, but when he trims the tree with almost human
persistence and completeness it is high time to do as Mr. Petsel has done, look
for a rebate. The father of our country saw that something needed to be done,
so when he found that the robins had skinned the tree he cut the durn thing
down.
____________
July 29, ‘10
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
Laura
Jean Libbey
(Laura Jean Libbey, the author of over 80 novels, is
going on the stage.)
So you’re going on
the stage,
Laura Jean?
Ah! You know
you’ll be the rage,
Laura Jean;
Well you know that
lovers old,
Lovers meek and
lovers bold,
All will want to
you behold,
Laura Jean.
We have read you
since a boy,
Laura Jean;
How you filled our
heart with joy!
Laura Jean.
How you made our
pulses thrill
With your wondrous
writing skill;
You can move us
ever still,
Laura Jean.
You will be a
wondrous hit,
Laura Jean;
There’s no
slightest doubt of it
Laura Jean.
You will
monologue, perchance.
But we know
without a glance,
You’re most young
enough to dance,
Laura Jean.
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“Many
a man on the road to prosperrerty looks too often to see what’s over the fence.”
______
Cheerful Comment
He
came over (from Maine) in the Mayflower, too.
The
east wind was right on its job this time.
The
summit of Mt. M’Kinley is still open to ascension.
Will
he be a citizen-politician, or a political citizen?
Now
for heaven’s sake help make it safe and sane Sunday.
Marshall
P. Wilder says the papers may kill him, but indigestion won’t.
Don’t
forget that there’s business inside a soda fountain as well as out.
Women
in the hayfields? O, well, the hayfields might do a whole lot worse!
Mrs.
Russell Sage is to back a woman aeroplanist. Hope “Votes for Women” won’t adorn
the wheelhouse.
What’s
in a name, or relationship? “Nick,: son-in-law, and Theodore, nephew, both
defeated!
______
A Gas Note
Don’t
hunt for a leak with a light; follow your nose.
______
“Bryan
Mum on Defeat”
We admire the fellow who gets on top
And then
doesn’t crow o’er his climb;
The fellow who spurns to do a few turns
Is the
fellow we like every time.
But the man who’s defeated, and then keeps mum,
Who smiles,
but has nothing to say,
Ah! He is the host we admire the most,
So here’s to
mute “W.J.”
______
An Unbiased
Opinion
(Contributed.)
Sometime
ago a very young girl employed as a bundle girl in one of the large department
stores of Boston was asked by her floorwalker to give him her opinion of a
certain saleslady employed in the same department. The little girl quickly
replied as follows: “Her ears are too large, her tongue is too long and her
eyes are too bright.”
Boston. H. V. L.
______
The
New Way
“Mother, may I go
out to sail
In Jack’s new dirigible fair ship?”
“Oh, yes, my
daughter, sail all you like,
But don’t go near the airship.”
______
Nipped in the Bud
The
sightseers had just stopped in front of a quaint, old church, the large bell,
which hung from the belfry, being visible.
“The
constant clanging of the tongue all these years has cracked the bell at last,”
observed the guide.
A
little man on the front seat of the wagon straightened up and was about to say
how greatly he sympathized with the bell when a big, red feminine hand fell
with a thud on his shoulder and he sunk into oblivion once more.
______
A Mean Burglar
There
is no accounting for the tastes of a burglar. A Chelsea man a few nights since
was robbed of his false set of upper teeth which he had left, not on the piano,
but on the kitchen shelf where they would be warm for the morning. What
possible use the burglar could make of the teeth is beyond comprehension; he
would better have stolen the stove covers which he could have sold for old iron.
There is no demand for second-hand sets of false teeth, at least in the better
walks of life.
____________
July 30, ‘10
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
Blueberries
and Milk
You may order your cutlet, your squab or
your steak,
Your
salmon and green peas galore,
You may order your fries, and praise to
the skies
One-hundred-and-one
dishes more.
I’m willing that you should have all of
the meat,
All
the fish and things of that ilk;
But in weather like this I dwell in the
bliss
Of
a bowl of blueberries and milk.
Just give me a pint of blueberries fresh
picked,
And
a quart of good milk without guile,
Four slices of bread, and an hour ahead,
Then
watch me break into a smile.
O, order your table d’ hôtes luscious and
large,
With their flavorings finer than silk;
But when it is hot I am right on the spot
With
a bowl of blueberries and milk!
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“This
is a world uv give an’ take, but take appears to be leadin’ give about two to
one.”
______
Aviation Note
It
is dangerous to fly high even when you are on the ground.
______
Looking for
Re-dress
“Don’t
you think Penless, the poet, is making a mistake in bringing suit against that
magazine?”
“Well,
you see, Penless looks at it like this: He would like to know how it feels to
have a new suit on.”
______
Pavement
Philosophy
The
good dye not at all.
Also,
the Lord loveth a cheerful liver.
A
day’s work brings the best night’s sleep.
Don’t
try to have eyes in the back of your head.
When
you say “cheer up,” follow it up with cheer.
A
stitch in time is what keeps the jewelers going.
As
a man thinketh, so is his neighbor to the thinker.
The
smile that won’t come off gets onto our nerves.
Playing
fast and loose means a tight rein sooner or later.
It
is pretty hard lines to go fishing and find you have forgotten them.
All
the world loves a lover, but it pays a good deal more attention to the lovess.
When
the barber tells you your hair is thin, he is speaking a truth that hurts.
Some
people look in the Lost and Found column to see if there is anything they can
claim.
It
pays to advertise, and it also pays to advertise that it pays to advertise.
If
your ancestors didn’t come over on the Mayflower, there’s all the more reason
why you should visit Plymouth.
Bring
up your children in the way they should go, but it won’t be long before they
want to go by the way of the auto and aero.
______
Summer Hotel
Notice
“Persons
using an un-necessary amount of gas for suicidal or other purposes will be
charged extra.
______
Pretty Sandy
Lovely
bather – I think I will bathe over there beyond that point of rocks.
Cholly
Swimm – Aw, I think I’ll follow suit.
______
Looking for the
Simple Life
Sportsman
– This your camp?
Proprietor
– That’s what it is.
Sportsman
– Healthy here?
Proprietor
–Healthiest spot in New England.
Sportsman
– Good beds?
Proprietor
– A-1.
Sportsman
– Roof tight?
Proprietor
– Don’t leak a drop.
Sportsman
– Good food?
Proprietor
– The very best.
Sportsman
– No black flies?
Proprietor
– Not a fly.
Sportsman
– Good fishing?
Proprietor
– Best in the state.
Sportsman
– All the conveniences?
Proprietor
– Everything the heart could wish.
Sportsman
– Guess I’ll go further up; this is too much like the city.
______
Original Toasts
TO
BLUE EYES
Here’s to the girl
with eyes of blue.
The fairest of the
fairest hue;
Should she not
with me favor view
More than her eyes
would I be blue.
TO
THE TWITCHING EYELID
Here’s to the girl
who slowly winks,
Who with her
winking raises jinks;
May she fore’er be
idolized,
Nor have her eyes
paralyzed.
TO
THE MILKMAID
Here’s to the
maiden all forlorn
Who milks the cow
with crumpled horn;
Though city
cousins dress in silk,
Mayhap they have
no cows to milk.
______
Montaigne
(Contributed.)
Most quaint old skeptic! that could doubt
and smile
And
with good temper, but keen wit, debate
The
mystery, man, doffing his pride to fate
Unwounded; guileless, yet brimful of guile
To ransack self, most conscious egotist
the while –
Thou
art the copy that, more full and late,
Wit
writes out at length but with a shallower pate,
Most modern-ancient, patchwork
Bibliophile!
Those love to con thee who themselves have
read
Downward
and crosswise the deep book of Mind,
Shakespeare
by the candle fed his greater light,
And our dead Sage,* by youthful fancy led,
Adored
thy will-of-the-wisp while life was kind
To dreams – dreams, tho’ wise, yet always
bland and bright.
H. A. KENDALL.
____
*Emerson.
____________
July 31, ‘10
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