Jocosities, September 1 - 20, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Joy Hunter

Soon comes the glory time of year,

      The red and yellow fall;

When “Bob White” o’er the barren field

      Sends forth his cheery call.

When nuts are dropping to the ground,

      And squirrels by the score

Are darting here and there to find

      Their coming winter store.

I hear the merry partridge drum

      His early autumn tune;

And ducks are herding from the chill

      Within the warm lagoon.

This is the time when game abounds

      Upon the lake and hill,

And hearing “Bob White’s” cheery call

      Just sets my heart a-thrill.

I like to take my gun and shells,

      My game bag o’er my back,

And wander daily, all alone,

      The woodlands’ voiceless track.

I like to steal upon the duck

      And watch it dive and play;

I like to hear the squirrel scold,

      And see him run away.

I like to take my gun along,

      For old-time’s sake, that’s all;

I wouldn’t shoot a living thing,

      Nor still the “Bob White’s” call.

My game bag slung across my back?

      Most useful, if you please;

I bring it homeward full of nuts

      From off the kindly trees.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“The pusson who thinks he is foolin’ ev’rybuddy is gen’ly under the spotlight uv the hull town.”

______

Exploration Note

If there are to be no more journeys to the north pole what are the poor gum drop manufacturers going to do for a living?

______

Not Like His Job

“Who is that noisy fellow conversing on the hotel steps?”

“Oh, he’s the editor of the ‘small talk’ department on one of the local papers.”

______

Cheerful Comment

“Look up, and not down.”

About once in so often Tillinghast appears.

Every town is now coming forward with its “prettiest child.”

Isn’t it a relief to have somebody besides actresses losing jewels?

“Lillian Russell to be sued.” No, no, no, not for divorce, but because her automobile ran down a Schenectady man.

Why wouldn’t the converted yacht, the Siren, discarded by the navy, be all right for the ousted crew of the Kingdom?

The shock felt at Lake Sunapee, while startling, wasn’t in it with the one experienced by summer folks at another well known resort.

A barrel of whiskey which floated ashore at Ocean City, owing to its being a strictly dry town, was shunned by the people, not, however, until it was drawn up beyond the high water mark. A rare chance for some enterprising out-of-towner to convert it into “Jersey lightning.”

______

“Waiting at the Church”

We’ve scanned the skies so much of late

     Folks asked us did we want ‘em;

Although it made us very wroth,

     We did not choose to taunt ‘em.

And still we keep our eyes on high,

     No chide or chaff can daunt ‘em;

We’re waiting patiently to see

     A airship come from Squantum.

______

Style Breaks Into Gungy

Hank Stubbs – I see your wife hez got a pair o’ high-heel’ shoes.

Bige Miller – Yaas, ever sence we hed thet woman boarder frum the city she says ez how low-heel’ shoes hurt her feet powerful.

______

Hard to Find

A St. Louis floral concern has advertised for an “ugly cashier.” The excuse is made, of course, that the pretty ones get married so fast that they can’t keep the position filled. On the face of it it might seem an easy matter to hire an ugly cashier, but we will be willing to bet a 16-line sonnet against a six-line quatrain that this firm will have all kinds of difficulty in getting what it wants. Cashiers, as a rule, are pretty particular people, and do they suppose any female member of that profession is going to allow herself to go on record as being ugly? We wat not. Imagine a situation like this:

Applicant – I wish to apply for the position of cashier.

Proprietor – You won’t do; you are not ugly enough.

Applicant – But that is not my fault.

Proprietor – Well, it certainly isn’t mine.

                            (Next in line.)

Applicant – I came to answer your advertisement.

Proprietor – But you are not ugly.

Applicant – Thank you, but my former employer told me I was the ugliest thing that ever happened.

Proprietor – What we want is an ugly-faced cashier. Sorry, but you won’t do.

                            (Next in line.)

Applicant – I saw your advertisement this morning, and –

Proprietor – You are not extremely ugly, but you certainly are the ugliest one that has come in yet.

Applicant – Is that so? You old moon face, you’re no beauty yourself!

And bringing her parasol down on top of his shiny skating rink for flies she haughtily left the store.

____________

Sept. 1, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

September Joys

Again life holds a charm for me,

     ’Tis good to be alive;

All summer long I’ve lived in gloom,

     I didn’t seem to thrive;

September I have waited long.

     Discontented, sad and blue;

But now the oyster’s left its shell,

     And lingers in the stew.

Green corn and melons have sufficed

     To keep me on the job;

But I am tired of spooning juice,

     And gnawing on the cob.

But now the clouds have rolled away,

     I rush with grand eclaw

Down to the nearest restaurant

     And have a plate of raw.

Peaches and cream are very nice,

     And berries, by the way;

Spring lamb and chickens, now and then,

     But they won’t do today.

I hurry through my morning’s work,

     And to the grill room fly,

Where, with exuberance, I shout:

     “Waiter, a double fry!”

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“The sticker will win out in the long run, ef he don’t stick the wrong way.”

______

Weather Note

If the ladies could only be induced to wear rubber boots there wouldn’t be nearly so much loafing on the rainy day corners.

______

Cheerful Comment

The Phillippines, where are they?

Wet feathers don’t make good fly birds.

There’s a big crop of gems being harvested this fall.

Now the Jersey peach growers wish they’d had a frost last spring.

Lots of the supposed air craft you see nowadays have strings to them.

The Black Hills will be blacker still after the fire gets through with them.

If you want to get down to a fine point take the new Shirley car from the Winthrop station.

Just as that Los Angeles faster got so she could live without food she took sick and died.

Nothing new under the sun? Ask the South Norwalk (Ct.) people. In putting a chemical into a nearby lake to purify the water they killed all the fish. What would it do to the thirsty?

______

A Hidden Meaning?

(Contributed.)

Two veils now is the latest fad.

And four for some is not so bad;

But if they’re meant their faults to cover,

‘Twould take a dozen veils or over.

     Boston.                     J. B.

______

The Present Style

Mary had a little skirt,

     Tied tightly in a bow,

And everywhere that Mary went

     She simply couldn’t go.

– Harper’s Bazar.

You see it was impossible

     For Mame to skip with ease

With that band about her dress

     Between her feet and kness.

– Scranton Tribune-Republican.

“Where there’s a will there is a way,”

     You fellows ought to know;

May raised her skirt a bit, and then

     You ought to see her go!

______

A Life Saver

A resident of Selins Grove, Pa., has invented a machine for the purpose of making meat tender. It is stated he already has one order for 10,000. If this report is true we are glad that we are alive. The invention of the automobile has never interested us very much because we have never expected to own one. The airship has had hardly more than a passing thought from us because we never expected to soar on so high a plane, but it is barely possible that we may in time be able to own one of these meat tendering machines. At any rate, we are going to make an effort to save up a little change now and then with that end in view.

The man who has invented a device whereby the meat that is peddled out nowadays can be made fit to eat has builded better than he knew. We are grateful to Erickson for what he did years ago when matters looked dark for the North, and we hold Edison in high esteem for what he has given the world in the way of invention, but without robbing any of our great inventors of every whit of the glory that is due them, we hold this Selins Grove genius up to the attention of the civilized world and say: “Well done, thou good and faithful servant, thou has made it possible to eat meat where we ate not meat before, and hast saved us untold amounts in bills for dentistry.”

______

One on Steighlate

Husband – That hobble skirt makes me tired! I don’t see how you ever get home with it.

Wife – Even at thet I make a better showing at getting home in this hobble skirt than you do at 2 A. M. with your free-legged trousers!

____________

Sept. 2, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Anti-Aviator

“You can’t fly high,” says Amos Green,

“In any kind uv air machine,

Without they’s danger uv a flop,

An’ then a long an’ sudden drop.

They’ve got ‘em down fine, I suppose,

Ez fur ez sciunce knowledge goes,

But even now, I wouldn’t want

To take a modern airship jaunt.

The earth is good enough fur me,

An’ suits my notion to a tee,

Can’t git me in no fly machine,

Not yit,” says Neighbor Amos Green.

“It’s jest the same,” says Amos Green,

“In other walks uv life, I ween.

Them who fly high, financial ways,

Way up beyend the poor man’s gaze,

When comes the time they take a flop

They git a most terrific drop;

An’ then the higher up they flit

The harder is the bump they git.

I’d ruther sail close to the ground,

An’ keep on goin’ safe an’ sound.

No high falutin air machine,

Or other kinds,” says Amos Green.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“They’s two ways uv knockin’ the rough corners off, neither uv which is exactly safe fur the knocker.”

______

Color Note

The average girl says: “What’s the use having a good complexion of your own, anyway; nobody believes it?”

______

Cheerful Comment

A solid convention.

Will Cleveland ever get settled for fare?

Wonder some one doesn’t start a smuggler school.

Can they strike fudge out of the list of studies?

Dr. Cook’s name is getting mixed up with the north pole again.

“Scarcity of chorus girls?” The Johnnies say there always has been.

If oysters are to be higher we will willingly give up the pie and pudding.

Why do some people need so much water to swim in when a 4 ft. depth is as good as 40?

Boston Light is a long way off via the “hand and foot paddle route.”

Haven’t we any practical jokers in Boston? Now is the time to send up fake airships.

We would be willing to start a panic any time if we could get some of that $500,000,000 fund.

If airshipping is “on the eve,” as many people say, why should New York bother to build more subways?

Reports from everywhere say that the country is waking up. That is the first time we have ever heard him referred to as an alarm clock.

Either there were a lot of burglars out of town rusticating or else they’ve been waiting for the rusticators to return; anyway, there’s a boom in the burgle business.

______

Homeward Bound

Alas! The bathing suit is packed,

      The bathers seem to mind it;

We hope when Rose unpacks her trunk

      She’ll have no job to find it.

______

Doesn’t Ring True

“They say his daughter is developing a great singer.”

“Sounds to me like a cracked plate.”

______

To Jocosity

Some write poetry,

     And some write prose;

Some a lot of nonsense –

     Are you one of those?

Some read books

     Others pretend to;

Some just the papers –

     What do you do?

Some eat meat,

     Some disdain to;

Some dine late –

     Is that what you do?

Some chew gum,

     Others abhor it;

In such a case

     You must adore it!

Boston.                                         OBSERVER.

Now, looky here, “Observer,” this is hardly fair. Who told you we wrote poetry, pretended to read books, dined late and chewed gum? We admit all these go well together, but we don’t say we’re guilty. If some of our most intimate friends have been giving away our little daily secrets we would like to know who it is. When callers drop in our little room here we offer them gum or smokes, according to sex, but we never thought the outside world would know our habits. Alas! There is no privacy outside of jail and even there they have visitors’ days.

______

The Question Box

A correspondent writes to a contemporary asking for a “nit” cure. If it were our duty to answer we should advise buying ‘em ready made.

______

With the Wallops

“In the past 10 years,” snapped Mrs. Wallop, “it has probably cost you at least $25 to color that meerschaum pipe of yours, and yet at that time you kicked at giving me $20 for a new carpet.”

“Well,” drawled the tantalizing Wallop, “at the end of 10 years I’ve got the pipe, while the carpet is worn out.”

____________

Sept. 3, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Pilgrim

I met a stranger on the road,

     Footsore and dirty he;

He stopped to mop his moistened brow

     Beneath a kindly tree.

His face though dusty from the way,

     Showed heavy lines of care;

And streaks of gray were creeping through

     His mop of tousled hair.

“Good morrow, stranger,” I advanced,

     You’ve come a weary way?”

He nodded the affirmative,

     And murmured his “good day.”

“Indeed I’ve come a weary way,

     I’ve yet afar to go;

Just when I’ll reach my journey’s end

     Alas! I do not know.

“I started long long years ago,

     I rode on special trains;

And then I took a parlor car

     Adown through life’s verdant lanes.

And then ‘twas but a common coach,

     And later on the freight,

Till by and by I bought a horse

     Of slow and weary gait.

“The old horse fell upon the road,

     And then I begged my way;

And now no one will carry me,

     And so I walk today.

I fain would reach my treasured goal,

     Which lies beyond the sun;

And when I’ve reached the land of rest

     My battle will be won.

“Alas! ‘Tis but life’s journey through,

     ‘Tis but the race of man;

He’s been upon this pilgrimage

     Since e’er the world began.

It would not do to wait the chase,

     I must be on my way!”

He bade me his “good morrow” then,

And faded with the day.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“In spite uv the fact that the road to success lies along the great highway, lots uv folks allus wanter cut ’cross lots.”

______

Fashion Note

Lots of women wouldn’t wear the hobble skirt, but they get as close to it as they can without actually hobbing.

______

Qualified

Father – If you should run over a man with your car what would be the first thing you would do?

Son – Try not to back up and go over him a second time.

______

Pavement Philosophy

Happiness can’t be bought in the bulk.

Lots of our very best people say “busted.”

Sometimes “well enough” can be made a lot better.

The worm turns, but usually he gets the worst of it.

Opportunity knocks, but happily he is not a steady knocker.

It’s no trouble for most people to come back on the talk proposition.

Because good goods come in small packages is no reason why you should feel small.

People are so firey about other people treading on their corns, figuratively speaking.

Most everybody can “come back” from their vacations if they only have the price.

There is nothing in life half so tiresome as seeing a man going round with his back up.

What is sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander, but the gander being stronger, won’t have it.

One of the burning questions of the day is, if a man can take it or let it alone why doesn’t he?

It is amusing to hear the compliments fly back and forth when a real thin person meets an extremely stout one.

The worst trouble one finds in waiting for dead men’s shoes is the fact that not only do the shoes wear out but so does the waiter.

______

A Great Trick

“What are those fingery-looking things on the front of the machine?”

“Ah!” said the dealer, with enthusiasm, “I was wanting you to notice those. This is our latest death-preventer. AS I told you, our car is warranted not to strike a tree, telephone pole or lamp-post. The moment the car comes in contact with anything of the sort it immediately begins to climb.”

______

Never, and Then Some

Editor of Jocosities: If the King of Portugal marries Miss Morgan, as suggested in a recent Herald editorial, would that not be a morganatic marriage?             F. H. R.

  Plymouth, N. H.

Good joke, old boy, but if you mean it seriously, we say no, not if J. P. knows himself, and we think he foes financially.

____________

Sept. 4, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Latest

“Oh hubby may I take a trip

     Abroad another year?”

The good wife sweetly whispered in

     Her lord and master’s ear.

He looked her in the eye and said,

     In manner most severe:

“You may if you will promise me

     You will not smuggle, dear.”

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Some uv the men who say thet they allus practise what they preach must be mighty poor preachers.”

______

Airship Note

Although your enemy, the aviator, may have the drop on you, he has good reasons for fearing it may be on himself.

______

His Parting Shot

“Beauty is only skin deep,” she said, teasingly.

“Much of it is not event that deep,” he answered, growing weary of his futile conquest. She was a noted flirt, and was giving him a long run for his money.

“In what way?” she asked sharply.

“Most preparations have the thinness of very thin paper,” he replied.

“Even at that, some people can’t see through them.”

“It isn’t necessary since they can see through the individual behind the preparation,” he retorted, reaching for his hat.

______

Hamlet at Squantum

(Contributed.)

To fly or not to fly, that is the question;

Whether it is wiser for a man to travel

The tame and safer way of steam and trolley

Or to take wing from transportation troubles,

And by aviating end them? To soar, to glide;

No rails, and by this glide to find we end

The shake-ups and all the un-natural noise

The rails give rise to; ’tis a proposition

Much to be considered. To soar, to glide;

To glide, perchance to drop; aye there’s the rub,

For in that drop to earth what risks we run,

When we have lost control of our machine,

No time to think; there’s the prospect

That a calamity will end our life.

Then who would care for stops or schedule time,

The rush-hour crowd, the rude man’s obstinacy,

That end-seat hog we love; the car’s delay,

The maze at Dudley street, and the time

To reach his office that the commuter wastes

When he himself may his quietus make

By a poor landing? Who’d not prefer to bear

The discomforts of the railway tracks;

For how to light and not affect our health

By unexpected dumping, from which fate

No airship man is free, puzzles us still,

And makes us rather ride in cars we have

Than fly in others that we know not of.

      Dorchester                  H. E. F.

______

The City Studio

Policeman – What are you doing out this time of night?

Stroller – Looking for local color.

Policeman – What are you, an artist?

Stroller – In a way.

Policeman – Judging from that bag of tools you’ve got I guess you’re looking for green. Come along with me and we’ll show you some nice light grays.

______

No Doubting Him

“Do you think he’s a safe man to lend money to?”

“Absolutely; he’s the best keeper I ever had any dealings with.”

______

Old Songs, Old Jokes

We cannot sing the old songs,

     ’Tis just as well, perhaps,

Because that’s all we’re hearing

     From all the other chaps.

______

Our Busy Season

(A Near-Editorial from the Gungywamp Gazette of Recent Date.)

One of our genial and respected citizens drove by our office yesterday with an enormous load of apples, bound, as we learned later, for Bige Miller’s cider mill. This in itself is neither startling nor out of the ordinary, but inasmuch as the said citizen has complained all summer of being on the sick list, not being able to do a stroke of work, we feel justified in commenting upon this peculiar and lamentable situation. We don’t purpose to mention any names, nor do we wish to hurt anybody’s feelings, but why is it, we ask, that a man will be so under the weather all summer and then show sudden activity as soon as the cider season comes on? We don’t object to a man’s driving a load of cider apples through our streets; we say that any man who can do it is extremely fortunate, and we might add that we have a  young orchard of our own that is growing and has splendid promise, but what we do object to is the fact that one of our citizens should remain in a state of innocuous desuetude all through the months when the soil demanded his attention, when the call of the land was ringing in his ears from sunrise till sunset, when the weeds in his garden were higher than his beanpoles and when preparations should have been under way for filling the cellar bins with next year’s keep, and now, at first call of the cider barrel, he sat up and listened.

WE don’t like to misjudge a fellow townsman, and we don’t pose as a medical authority, but at this distance it does sound to us as though the call of the cider barrel was the louder and that this man’s health returned at a suspiciously opportune time. Cider, my brother, is all right in its place, but it won’t take the place of spare-ribs and potatoes next winter when our beautiful and beloved town is buried under four feet of cold and unfeeling snow.

____________

Sept. 5, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

His Cashier

“When years ago you came to see

     Me every Wednesday night,

You used to fill my heart,” said she,

      “With moments of delight.

You never missed a single time,

     I’m sure you missed not one,

But what you brought me sweets, and now

     You simply bring me none!”

She pouted, looked at him askance,

And nearly squelched him with her glance.

“When years ago I used to call

     To see you Wednesday nights,”

Said he, “dear wife, I had the price

     Of chocolate delights.

I had the handling of my cash,

     And used to take delight

In bringing you a box of sweets

     On every Wednesday night.

I’ll do it now,” he said, quite brash,

“If you will let me have the cash.”

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“They’s no need uv borrowin’ trouble; it will be handed out to you ev’ry day in the week.”

______

Literary Note

If you write the worst book there is a possibility that you may also write the best seller.

______

Hints for Flying

(For the Spectator.)

First, provide yourself a fireman’s helmet.

______

The hot air below should help the aviator some.

 ______

Airships seldom strike twice in the same place.

______

When the motors stop it is time to run yourself.

______

An airship in the air is worth two in the crowd.

______

Always keep an eye out, but take it in in times of danger.

______

Don’t believe everything you see – there may be a string to it.

______

Take a large hand mirror with you to relieve that aching neck.

______

Please don’t shoot at the airships; if you want to try your skill visit a rifle gallery.

______

The best way to practice dodging is to have your wife go to the top of the house and try to drop some flats on your head. If you can dodge these you can easily dodge airships.

______

The Business Instinct

“Pa, do you think you could afford to buy me a “five-foot book shelf?’”

“Young man,” said the father, looking over his glasses, “do you know the present price of lumber?”

______

Some Woodpile

Berlin, N. H., is throwing out its chest these days over the fact that it possesses what is probably the largest woodpile in the United States. It contains more than 60,000 cords of wood, and is somewhere around 150 feet in height. As woodpiles go, this Berlin woodpile is quite a pile, we must admit. Still, we don’t consider it anything to brag about. We passed this same woodpile twice last month, and hardly gave it more than a passing thought. If this woodpile was at some farmer’s back door, and he had drawn it and cut it and split it, single-handed and alone, or possibly with a little help from his wife, then we would take off our hats and say, “Well done, thou good and faithful woodchopper and chopperess.” but when we consider that half the population of Berlin has been engaged in building up this woodpile for six months or a year, neglecting many other important things that should have been done, such as playing checkers on rainy days at the village grocery, and playing golf with the summer boarders, then we pass it by without so much as raising an eyebrow. The most enjoyable and interesting thing about it to us was the fact that we had nothing to do with the making of it. We used to build woodpiles in the old days and we take great pleasure in the thought that we had so much to do with influencing father to get a coal stove.

______

Mary’s Gown

(Contributed.)

Our Mary had a new fall gown,

     But she was not expert;

And often in it she fell down –

     It had a hobble skirt.

But Mary said ’twas up to date,

     It made the fellows stare,

And though ’twas hard to navigate,

     She said she did not care.

Dorchester.                H. E. F.

____________

Sept. 6, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Gungy’s Busy Days

The windfall apples spread the ground,

     Both yeller, green an’ red;

They are not left to lie an’ rot,

     But gethered up instead.

It’s cider time in Gungywamp,

     We’re working with a will

To git our apples on the way

     To Miller’s cider mill.

All roads in Gungywamp jest now

     Lead out to “Miller’s Hill”;

An’ jest below the hill there stan’s

     Ol’ Bijah’s cider mill.

“Fust come, fust served,” thet’s Bi-jah’s way,

     An’ so we’re like to bust

Ourselves to see which one will git

     His apples out there fust.

They ain’t no lazy bones in all

     Uv Gungywamp jest now;

There’s honest sweat, an’ lots uv it,

     On each man’s noble brow.

Would like to tell you more, but laws!

     We’re busy fit to kill;

You see we’ve got an errant, too,

     Way out to Bijah’s mill.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“When a man hez worn off the ends uv his fingers an’ the toes uv his shoes a-climbin’ up the ladder uv success, don’t say to him: ‘Gee, ain’t you lucky!’ ”

______

Conversational Note

The average man at best has a pretty hard time travelling through his vale of tears. If he talks much the world calls him a blowhard, and if he doesn’t say anything it calls him a putty-head, so what’s a fellow to do?

______

Musings of the Office Boy

Usually beauty ain’t deep at all.

Bein’ dead broke must be an awful death.

Who said there wasn’t no sentermunt in business?

The boss says, “Cut out the long stories,” but listen to him!

The late bird at the office catches somethin’ worse than the worm.

You kick a dog and he comes back, but you kick a man and he gets back.

Perfumery and a pair of baby blue eyes make a pretty good shock absorber in an office collision.

If big hats are to be bigger I can see where the boss has to put on a bay winder, or else hire a man stenog’.

The other day I told one of the cashiers she’d better go fix her hair over again or I wouldn’t be responsible for what the office cat might do.

______

Jogging Him Up

He – Some of my ancestors were “Minute Men” at Lexington.

She – My, you’d never think it from the slowness of some of their descendants.

______

The Old Artist

“What is draw poker, pa?”

“Why – er – draw poker is making a picture of a poker, of course.”

______

Listen to This:

Editor of Jocosities. Dear Joe:

How doth the bluecoat on our beat

     Improve the rainy hour?

By watching hold-ups on the street

     Through every passing shower.

Though were he free as that darned bee

     To improve each shining minute,

He’d beat it to the nearest tap

     And drink up all that’s in it.

     Medford.                    WHIT.

That may be true in Medford, “Whit,” but not in Boston. You know the word “Medford” is suggestive and of international fame. Of course, if our Boston policemen were “next” to an establishment like you have in your town we couldn’t expect as much of them as we do now. That’s all.

______

A Hitch

“Mother may I go out to fly?”

     “Yes, my darling daughter,

But hang your wagon to the sky

     I do not think you oughter”

____________

Sept. 7, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Summer’s Last Stand

A dash of crimson in the swamp,

     A tingle of coming brown,

Proclaims that autumn’s flag is up

     And summer’s flag is down.

Good-by, fair summer, you were brave,

     And fought a gallant fight;

But autumn’s guns have driven you

     From off your verdant height.

Soon will his blood-red field display

     The cost of victory;

And but a buried memory

     Fair summer will you be.

A dash of crimson in the swamp,

     And then you disappear;

Good-by, sweet maid, Joan of Arc,

     Heroine of the year!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“I ain’t much on readin’ human natur, but I flatter myself I kin tell the diffrunce between a man whose coal bin is full an’ one whose ain’t.”

______

High Living Note

At its present price any one would be justified in crying over spilled milk.

______

Both Agreed

“High, waiter, what’s in this soup?”

“I don’t see nuffin’, sah.”

“I don’t either; that’s what’s the matter!”

______

Everyday Philosophy

It’s cider, not turkey in the straw.

It is most time for East Lynne to come around again.

Wet weather has its place, but not on aviation ground.

Some men think their trump card is a big, brawny fist.

Anyway, burning a candle at both ends is hard on the candle.

We don’t object to big hats being bigger if they won’t be bigger still.

The flies have had a pretty hard summer, but it looks like a still harder winter.

There is only one thing that makes a bad song worse, and that is when folks in the audience insist on joining in and humming the chorus.

______

A Gungy Interruption

Agent – I am selling motor cars –

Hank Stubbs – No, you ain’t; not jest now.

______

Melancholy

The wooded bank is lonely now

     Since summer is no more;

And I would be the same, I trow,

     Yea, many times more sore,

Because the summer girl has gone,

And there is no one, night or morn,

     To float, and hug the shore.

______

Those Girls

“Tom gave me all his dances last night.”

“Why, thought he went home early?”

“He did; he only danced once.”

______

In Demand

Miss Tiff – That girl’s face would stop a clock.

Charlie Tease – What a jolly girl she’d be to sit up with!

______

High Protection

“Is this the garden you so proudly showed me early in the summer?” queried the visitor, looking askance at the forest of weeds.

“Sh!” warned the suburbanite, whispering in his ear, “there is motive in my plot. I have a watermelon in there which I am trying to keep hidden from the boys of the neighborhood.”

“That melon,” said the visitor, clutching the arm of the amateur farmer, “is as safe as though it were buried in a Cook cache.”

____________

Sept. 8, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

An Airship Abduction

I wish I were

     An airship star,

To buzz and whir

     Where planets are.

To sweep the skies

     In madd’ning flight,  

Where cloudland lies

     So blue and white.

I wish I were

     An airship man,

I’d make a stir

     With all the clan.

A ship I’d buy,

     The fastest yet

And then I’d fly

     To you, my pet.

I’d hurry you

     From earthly ties,

And mount the blue

     And foamy skies.

I’d speed you far

     From earth pell-mell;

My airship car

     Would be your cell.

O, would I were

     An airship king!

My prisoner

     You’d be, a-wing.

We’d sweep the grand

     Untraveled way;

But where we’d land

     I cannot say.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“The best thing to hev up your sleeve is a good, strong an’ willin’ right arm.”

______

Literary Note

In some homes the pocketbook is the only scrapbook they have.

______

Pavement Philosophy

Indian days, or dog summer?

Good looks count, but do not last.

The oyster is neck and neck with corn on the ear.

Neb may come and men may go, but straw hats can’t go on forever.

There are more slips ‘twist the saloon and the front door.

Water may not run uphill, but many a soda goes up through a straw.

Ever notice how seldom you see a good-looking couple? One or the other will be as homely as anything.

______

Is It So Hard?

It makes us smile to hear a $25 per week chorus girl talk about “giving up” the stage to marry a multi-millionaire.

______

M. T.

We went down cellar yesterday

     To see about the coal;

We found the bin, but all therein

     Was just a great, big hole.

______

Already, Perhaps

“Do you know, I believe Dr. Cook discovered the pole yet.”

“Well, maybe not yet, but soon.”

______

One of It

“Do you think our race will ever fly?”

“Gee, it’s been a pretty fly one ever since I’ve known anything about it.”

______

The Egg Plant

His Excellency the Governor, in a heart to heart talk with the farmers at the Barnstable fair, admitted that he was something of a farmer himself, so much so that he could appropriately call them all brothers and sympathize with them in their troubles of the soil. His particular trouble, he said, lay in the egg plant. His egg plant had been a dismal failure. Even by running it overtime the production was far from satisfactory. There are some plants that will grow by moonlight, but not the egg plant, said the Governor.

Continuing, he said: “I started in to sell eggs one year not so long ago, and each egg cost me $8. I don’t want any more experience with eggs.” Here is the confession of an honest man, one who has loved and lost. Not every bankrupt in the egg business will make a public confession and admit his guilt. We admire the Governor for the stand he has taken; perhaps his words may fall like seed into good ground and bear fruit. Perhaps his experience thus expressed will spread and prevent many little egg plants from taking root and trying to make their way up through the weeds and tares that beset them.

In the greater bunco games of life, like flim-flam, green goods and Monte Carlo, men sometimes appear to profit by the experience of others, but there seems to be a continual stream of victims getting their necks into the chicken halter. There is a fascination in the going out and picking dollars out of a hen nest. Alas! ‘Tis but a shell game. The governor was a shrewd man, otherwise the eggs would have cost him $16 apiece, instead of $8.

____________

Sept. 9, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Shorts

The days are growin’ shorter,

     It makes us feel forlorn

To think the autumn’s got here,

     That summer days are gone.

The bright an’ golden summer

     Thet took so long to come;

Seems like ‘twuz only lately

     It got around, I vum!

The days are growin’ shorter,

     Our cash is jest the same;

‘Tain’t ‘cuz we’re growin’ sporty,

     The weather is to blame.

An’ while it’s growin’ shorter

     Our bills are growin’ long;

No wonder they’s a minor

     A-runnin’ through our song.

The days are growin’ shorter,

     Can’t help the fact, alas!

The lengthy winter evenin’s

     Are comin’ soon to pass.

But we will grin and bear it,

     An’ try not to expire,

Ez long ez corns an’ cider

     Are poppin’ round the fire!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Prosperrerty kin mever overtake some men becuz it gits ahead uv ‘em on the start.”

______

Farming Note

A Charlotte (N. C.) farmer has raised an acre of corn with dynamite. If this form of crop-raising becomes popular we can see lots of farms going up in value – and other ways.

______

His Reasons

“Aren’t you taking your vacation rather late?”

“Well, you see I never go into the country until the crop of mosquitoes are all harvested.”

______

Cheerful Comment

The highest mayor we ever had.

We who watched on the Common didn’t care about that old balloon, anyway!

History repeats itself at Newport. Ragtime is heard above the swish of the waves.

Sixty thousand frozen eggs from the Orient, now in cold storage, cools our ardor somewhat for the usual morning scramble.

A hard smoker, aged 105, has just died in Worcester, and he didn’t die of a tobacco heart, either. How many men will paste this in their wives’ hats?

A chief of police of Alabama has eloped with a girl and is now a fugitive from justice. The question is, will he later be obliged to arrest himself?

Finding the skulls of Indians with horns on them, near Santa Monica, Cal., leads us to scout our old friend Darwin and wonder if we didn’t spring from goats.

______

Not Necessarily

Mrs. Stubbs – Henry writes that he is having a high ol’ time at school now.

Mr. Stubble – I s’pose he’s j’ined one uv them airo clubs he wuz tellin’ me about.

______

Father and Child

Caller – I suppose you never laugh at your own jokes?

Humorist – On the contrary, I have a feeling of pity for them.

______

Covering Tracks

It has come to light that a man in a neighboring town has been arrested on a charge of stealing oats. Upon investigation we find that the arrest is wholly due to the shortsightedness of the man himself. It seems that in transferring the oats from one stable to another there was a hole in the bag which left a trail behind. Now if he had been an expert he would have taken a bag that didn’t leak, or if all the bags leaked he would have secured a needle and thread and sewed it up. The first class, all-around oat thief always carries a needle and thread. It is only an amateur oat thief who would leave a trail of oats behind.

Imagine a cider thief carrying off a barrel of cider and leaving the bung open or the faucet running! It would be an easy matter to locate a barrel of cider which had left a trail behind. He would be a poor thief indeed who would appropriate a sack of gold coin and leave an opening whereby it would leave a trail behind. The oat thief should exercise the same care as taken by the coin snatcher, if he hopes to be successful and build up a flourishing business. A leak is a very bad thing in any kind of business, more especially a dishonest one, and doubtless this oat extractor will provide himself a needle and thread if he concludes to continue his profession after he returns from his three months’ vacation.

______

At the Meet

(Contributed.)

That daring air-man, Grahame-White,

Can handle an airship all right;

     He’s English, you know,

And got a big show

To beat the rest out to the Light.

That famous balloonist named Glidden,

To fly a biplane was bidden;

     “O,” said he, “gas for mine,

     I shall have to decline.”

In an aeroplane he never has ridden.

“Please,” said she, “will you kindly explain,

Is a Bleriot unlike a biplane?”

     “The first has one spread;

A biplane,” he said,

“Has an awning to keep off the rain.”

“I know stock that is due to go higher;

Of a biplane I would be a buyer;

     For both I’ve no cash,”

     Said he, ‘praps I’m rash,

But I’ll chance it and just take a flyer.”

    Dorchester.                H. E. F.

____________

Sept. 10, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Headache Poetry

I cannot write a verse today,

     And so I will not try;

The wheels within my cranium

     Are simply on the fly.

I wasn’t out late with the boys,

     A sober life I’ve led;

I haven’t smoked too much today –

     Gee whizz, but what a head!

My head is full of aeroplanes,

     All buzzing fit to kill;

They’re rushing through the biting air,

     I cannot keep them still.

And yet there is a pressure, too,

     That feels like solid lead;

How can one write and feel like this?

     Gee whizz, but what a head!

And so I’ll have to skip today,

     Will have to drop my verse

Until I feel in shape again –

     I never could feel worse. 

For, should I write, ‘twould be some stuff

     That would be better dead;

And so I will not write at all –

     Gee whizz, but what a head!

And when you’ve seen, in days gone by,

     Poor verse from off my pen,

Or when you see, in days to come,

     Rank poetry again,

You’ll know I’ve had an aching brow,

     A coco filled with lead;

Which is the only trouble now –

     Gee whizz, but what a head!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Ef you can’t make hay while the sun shines you kin kill some uv the weeds an’ briars.”

______

Pastry Note

Apparently there may not be much difference on the surface, or even under the crust, between the mock mince pie and the real, but that there is a difference can be seen on the peaceful countenance of the small boy as he lies in the realms of dreamland.

______

Pavement Philosophy

Second call for straw hats!

If fate throws you down try another hold.

The coal dealer is a bigger man every day.

Some people refuse to be a cushion for anybody.

The election cigar is beginning to smell throughout the land.

It is a fine thing to walk with anybody who can keep up.

One friend will be a real friend in one way, and another in another.

All lobsters are not red coats or green coats; some are turn coats.

The pessimists who always predict a hard winter have already come forward.

If September should ever lose its “R,” oysters would be good just the same.

Sometimes when you call and find people out you find them out in more ways than one.

Those who want to get their names in the paper can’t, and those who would like to keep their names out can’t.

It is easy enough to tell when a man is in love, although he may not be exactly sure of it himself.

It is all right to live near to nature, but there is no sense or excuse in carrying a lot of it around on your person.

Everybody thinks that they practice what they preach, and that is what makes it so hard to try to do anything with them.

Did you ever notice how the white sheep keep away from the black sheep so that the black sheep will have a good chance to get blacker still?

______

Jocosity’s Letter Box

Dear Father Jocosity: When I turned to page four, of the Herald a few mornings ago, for your very interesting column, and not finding it there, it immediately occurred to my mind that you were up in the air the day before. However, I discovered soon after that you had taken a step forward, instead of upward, and felt glad to find you are still with us on earth.   Yours truly.                             J. B.

Boston.

Yes, my dear J. B., we are still with you, and hope to ever be taking steps forward, but take it from us, whenever we take a flyer it will be in the subway.

Dear Jocosity: How did the ancients cut their finger nails? They couldn’t have had any scissors, and I don’t see how they did it.                     JAMES.

Boston.

Simplest thing in the world, Jim. They who could afford to live without work were so nervous at not having anything to do that they chewed them off, and they who had to work for a living worked so hard that they kept them worn down to the quick. You know they had better teeth and worked harder in those days than we do now, shame on us!

____________

Sept. 11, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Gungywamp’s Busy Man

Hen Billin’s wuz a busy man,

     Wuz allus on the jump;

They warn’t no other man so spry

     In all uv Gungywamp.

Wuz out uv bed at break o’ day,

     Worked till he went to bed;

Wuz ev’ry minute on the move –

     At least thet’s what he said.

“I tell you what it is,” said he,

     One night in Stokes’s store,

When all the setters wuz on hand

     Some twenty-five, or more,

“The man thet follers me around

     Hez got to move his ped;

Grass ain’t-a-growin’ ‘neath my feet!”

     Thet’s what Hen Billin’s said.

Bill Stokes, the grocer man he stopped

     From doin’ up a ham

An’ looked at Hen. Now in ol’ Bill

     There ain’t a mite vu sham.

“Waal, Hen,” says he, “they ain’t no grass

     Grows ‘neath your feet, I’m bound;

Becuz you keep ‘em in one spot

     Too long upon the ground!”

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“The best part uv goin’ away is gittin’ back ag’in. ef you kin do it without any assistunce.”

______

Aviation Note

Where will the cops be, I ween, when burglars use the air machine?

______

Cheerful Comment

Rubber has bounced.

The smugglers are good to Uncle Sam.

May Mary -Rinehart go on sight-seeing!

A discord in the Chanler-Cavalieri combination.

The firm of Elkins & Abruzzi are still in business.

Stealing a kiss in Chelsea is assault and battery, not theft.

We’d like smaller bills if we can only have more of them.

If the earth weighs that much we don’t want it on our shoulders.

There weren’t as many drownings yesterday, but that wasn’t the fault of the water.

Bishop Neely of Pennsylvania says that big hats keep men from going to church. Big heads have something to do with it also.

Another good way to keep your servant girl is to put one of the proposed Edison ice plants in your flat. No iceman, no hired girl.

A pretty young bather at Atlantic City, after being rescued by two stalwart lifeguards, rewarded them with hugs and kisses and then disappeared. The young men now are more than ever on the lookout for drowning girls.

______

Wants to Keep Him Intact

“I’ll accept you, Charles, on one condition,” said the sweet maid, looking anxiously in his eyes.

“And what is that, dearest?”

“I know you have high ideals, but I want you first to promise me you will never become an aviator.”

______

Question of the Hour

“How big is Boston?”

“Just as big as she feels, if not more so.”

______

For Aviators

Nothing sharpens the appetite like aeroplaning. That’s why “bird men” are such heavy eaters.          “C. D.”

______

Adam’s Troubles Continued

(Contributed.)

Whatever troubles Adam had –

     P’raps many of a kind –

He never sprinted for a train,

     And then got left behind.

NANTASKET BREEZE.

Whatever troubles Adam had

     He never his boots showed

To Eve, who looked, and then was mad –

     The town had oiled the road!

HULL BEACON.

Whatever troubles Adam had,

     He never had, by heck!

While in the shady garden spot,

     An aeroplanic neck.

Boston.                           BABSON.

______

“No Smoking in Heaven”

(A Near-Editorial from the Gungywamp Advocate.)

Last Sunday evening our beloved and much respected pastor preached a sermonette on the evils of tobacco using, taking for his text: “There’ll Be No Smoking in Heaven.”

“There will be no smoking in heaven,” began the preacher. “If there is any smoking to be done it will be done in the other place.” Of course, he didn’t call the other place by name, but he felt certain that everybody understood the place he meant. The other place has been more or less mixed up with smoke in the minds of the thinking world these many years. The most of us have always believed that smoking would be carried on there to excess. And yet, who knows? On the other hand, we have been led to believe that in heaven there would be constant singing and playing of harps. Now, with all due respect to our beloved pastor, harp playing and singing for a steady diet would be as distasteful to some people as tobacco smoke would be to some others.

In all seriousness we wish to state that if some people we know should start to sing up there in Paradise we should want to stuff our ears with cotton, and probably cotton would be an unknown quantity on the streets of gold. We know whereof we speak, because we have heard the people sing here on the earth. We will correct that; we have heard them try to sing. The tobacco habit may be all that the preacher says it is; it may even be worse, and yet we are prone to believe it has its advantages. When Bill Crockett was bitten by a copperhead in the “Crick” meadows last summer it is very likely that a quid of tobacco saved his life. Amos Green says he knows he never would have been elected to the Legislature without the aid of cigars. Judge Patten’s son’s life was saved by his match safe when he was hit by a target bullet fired by a summer boarder. If he hadn’t been a smoker he wouldn’t have carried the safe. Time and space will allow us to say no more at this writing, but while we wouldn’t encourage smoking, we can’t say a powerful lot against it.

____________

Sept. 12, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Press Agent

Press agents now are all the go,

     No matter what your line;

You cannot run your own caboose

     If you desire to shine.

The showman long has had the field

     All to himself, but now

He’s necessary everywhere,

     To him we all must bow.

If you’re a “has been” in your biz,

     If you would shine again,

You can “come back” if you’ll employ

     The agent’s facile pen.

If skies for you are dull and gray,

     And darkness hovers o’er,

Get your press agent on the job,

     And they will shine once more.

For he can paint a glowing sky,

     Where miracles are rife;

Can wind the public round his pen,

     Can bring the dead to life.

Let salesmen, clerks, cashiers go hang,

     If you would catch the mob

Secure your bold press agent now

     And get him on the job.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Ef it takes a rogue to ketch a rogue then they suttin’y hedn’t orter be so many rogues goin’ scot free.”

______

Top-Knot Note

One of the peculiarities of this life is the fact that while the hair of milord decreases as he grows older that of milady increases.

______

Cheerful Comment

Hobble skirt dancing? Horrible.

How does it feel to be one of the 670,585?

Soft collars are in style on the aviation field.

Boston may be fifth in quantity, but think of our quality.

There’s absolutely no danger in this air game as long as you stay in the air.

Of course, the first step toward raising the Maine is to raise the price.

Uncle Joe may be speaker of the House, but Uncle Ted is the speaker of all out doors.

A fight over a nickel in West Virginia resulted in the death of one of the contestants. Money talks.

Chicago is to start a college of millinery. Does this bode good or ill for the man behind the wages?

People who are waiting for the leaning tower to fall want to remember that it has had a slant on for a long time.

Marrying a woman who had on the costliest gown on record is a discouraging beginning for a groom who is earning only $7000 a year.

______

Returning Joys

The chorus girl has come to town

     In all her autumn glory;

Each night she gets a dressing down –

     But that’s another story.

______

Heard on the Train

“Mamma, mamma, don’t put the bundle on the seat between us,” cried the little girl, excitedly.

“And why not, dear?” asked the mother.

“’Cause, there’s somethin’ squashable in it!”

______

Alphabetical

If you should love a summer girl,

     Don’t ever letter C;

Unless you wish your head awhirl

     It’s best to letter B.

– Chicago News.

And if you love a summer girl,

     Don’t ever let her I’s

Set your poor foolish brain awhirl,

     But letter C you’re Y’s

– Detroit Free Press.

And if U love a summer girl,

     From me just take this Q:

Although U R A country churl,

     Don’t B A J, don’t U.

______

Rewarding Him

“Have you been down to the aero meet?”

“Yes; I was down there yesterday.”

“How did you like it?”

“I thought it was pretty good.”

“Here is a dollar.”

“A dollar? What for?”

“Because you didn’t say you were ‘all up in the air’ about it; most people do.”

____________

Sept. 13, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Adoni and the Airships

I go for see da airsheep fly

Two mile, t’ree mile up een da sky;

O my, eet eesa granda sight

For see dat Eengleesh Grahame-White

Een heesa leetla monoplane

Go queeka like da railroad train.

Dese trolley car seem pretta slow

Seence I have seen da airsheep go;

Da world eet seem low-down seence I

See Meester Brookins een da sky.

O my! Weesh I could sail around

Like Ralpha Johnstone off da ground!

I can’t axpress myself w’en I

Speak of da airship een da sky!

Mos’ wonderfula thing; O, gee,

Beat’ evratheeng I ever see!

So queeck, so smootha an’ so fair,

Just lika bird up een da air.

I clapa hand an’ shout like mad,

An’ steel, som’thing eet mak’ me sad.

For when I see da sheep go by,

An’ see da people shout an’ cry,

An’ theenk how beeg, how great, how gran’,

 I weesh one was Eyetalian!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“It is no uncommon thing for some people to laugh so much in order to grow fat that they keep on bein’ thin.”

______

Political Note

A good way to raise the Maine, perhaps, would be to let the Democrats do it.

______

Cheerful Comment

That word “hangar” gets ours, too.

Green corn will soon be off the cob.

The Brockton fair is using Grahame pretty White.

Poor Lottie Gilson! But why won’t people make hay when it’s good hay weather?

The big meet is over officially, but still the bird-men hate to come down.

Just because a Chicago woman spanked her husband is no sign the movement should become popular.

A hobble skirt wearer in Paris was killed because she was unable to run. At last the auto and the airship have a strong cometitor.

They say the Chicago Postoffice earns more than one in New York. Chicago is a great letter-writing city, as the divorce courts show.

Bror Kronstrand, the noted Swedish artist, who is stopping in New York, says that our American women are the most beautiful he has ever seen. And he hasn’t visited Boston yet!

______

At the Meet

“I am disappointed,” pouted the young lady with the pink parasol.

“Why so?” asked the anxious young man, looking over his nose pinchers.

“Why, I expected when I came down here to see some aeroplanes, and all I’ve seen is a monoplane and a biplane.”

______

Indian Summer

(Contributed.)

Great Manitou, who loves his children well,

     Nor wills that one should any blessing lack,

     Turns for a time the marching seasons back,

Bids golden summer longer with us dwell.

And they, who deep immersed in worldly stress

     Or sloth, have failed to glean of summer’s store,

     May garner now, till measure runneth o’er

Of bounty rich, the winter days to bless.

Each shortened day gleams like a priceless gem,

     With deeper beauty than mid-summer knows;

The rarest jewels of Time’s diadem

     In gorgeous setting now the old earth shows,

Sunset and dawn, the day’s each shining hour,

And sparkling night, proclaim His love and power.

                                      S. G. R.

     Webster.    

______

Not Seeking Trouble

“I should think it would be the bugbear of your life trying to get up new brand-new jokes,” said the sympathetic caller.

“That,” said the humorist, cheerfully, “is the least of our troubles.”

______

Passing of the Snake Story

It has been a pretty poor season for snake stories. Whether this is the fault of the snake or carelessness on the part of the usual summer snake seers we don’t know, but we hope another season won’t go by without something doing in the “10 feet long” variety. Even Winsted, Ct., hasn’t turned out its usual collection, and when Winsted falls short there is something the matter with the snake industry. It has been a pretty fair season for other crops, but somehow or other the snake harvest has been short.

A weak little story comes from Wilkes-Barre, Pa., as if to end the season as creditably as possible. One Adam Voight was gathering weeds in his garden when two large copperheads sprang at him simultaneously, making connections with his right hand. But as these two snakes were twins and always travelled together, it is really as though one snake had bitten him, and so the story loses some of its novelty on that account. Adam had plenty in the house, and so will recover. Really we wish we might make a better showing on snake stories; we hate to let the season close without coming within speaking distance of our former records, and if anybody has one, even though it be a late one, we wish they would send it in so that we might go out with a fair average.

______

Separated by Whiskey

Speaking of embarrassing positions, we think we hold the record to date. Not long ago we were travelling on a train that touches many of the New England seashore resorts, and if you have ever had an eye out for pretty and companionable girls you will have seen them crowding these trains during the outing season. Our train pulled into New London, where a well dressed, middle-aged man, who had sat beside us for some distance, alighted.

Just as the train was about to start a dashing looking summer maiden, clad in peek-a-boo finery, with a complexion that matched her ping parasol, tripped down the aisle. Fate was with us; we appeared to have the only vacant seat in the immediate neighborhood. She smiled sweetly and asked is the seat were engaged. We assured her that there wasn’t even a hint of engagement. Visions of a long and happy ride, enlivened with spicy conversation, floated through our romantic brain. She was about to enter the seat when her eye caught something, and, tilting her nose to a generous airship angle, she sailed down the aisle to the next car.

Dumfounded and disappointed, our eyes sought the spot where her own had rested. There beside us, left by our late companion, lay a half-pint bottle. partly filled with a suspicious looking liquid. The nearby passengers were shooting question marks at each other. At first we were tmepted to drink the contents of the bottle at one fell gulp, so great was our chagrin, but, thinking better of it, we hurled it out of the open window into the shining Thames, which we were then crossing.

____________

Sept. 14, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Haymaker’s Daughter

Maud Muller sat upon the porch

And watched each automobile scorch;

The judge went by just like a shot,

But she, she recognized him not.

All kinds of pomp and show to her

Was wearisome; she would not stir.

Time was when she was poor, but now

A queenly calm was on her brow,

And judge, or any wealthy jay,

She simply spurned them every day.

Maud’s father was a farmer who

Knew just exactly what to do;

He wasn’t of the old third-rate,

But was alive and up to date.

He cut his crop of hay and sold

It for almost its weight in gold.

And that is why Maud was so proud,

And felt above the country crowd.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“On the contrary, ev’rybuddy loves a fat man, ef he is lovable.”

______

Literary Note

It is hard to understand why Caspar Whitney, the author, is bankrupt; we have never heard that he has published a volume of verse at his own expense.

______

Cheerful Comment

Haze the school hazers!

Mellen now has two irons in the fire.

Beauty is only skin deep, Mr. Chandler.

That political pot isn’t boiling, it is dancing.

Margaret Illington says that drinking pure ammonia is not stage play.

Johnstone not only smashed the record for duration, but also an officer’s lid.

It is a good thing for the aviators all these dinners didn’t come before or during the meet.

Cavalieri not only has the artistic temperament, but the business instinct as well.

Four hats, three feet wide, or totaling 12 feet, arrived in Boston from Paris Tuesday. It is time to widen the streets, Mr. Mayor.

______

Professional Jealousy

Dolly Lightfoot – I wonder what made Susie Snowface have such an attack of stage fright.

Kittie Kickwell – Probably she caught sight of herself as she passed the mirror.

______

Gungywamp, Present and Future

(Being a near-editorial from the “Gungywamp Advocate.”)

The summer season which was with us of recent date is no more. In some respects it has been more of a success than formerly, but in some others it has hardly been up to scratch. Socially, we think it has been more or less of a failure, as our books show that the usual amount of job printing has fallen off. This is not mentioned in the nature of a complaint, only we hate to see the social side of our fair and beloved town diminish. As a matter of fact, in looking over our columns we find there has been more summer visitors than of former years, and there has been more social functions; why then, not more printing?

We are willing to believe that perhaps the high cost of living has had more to do with it than anything else. We do not believe that the intelligent and active members of this community, or highly respected people who visit us annually, have been disappointed with the work they have received from this office, or that we are living under the ban of a boycott. We are too broadminded and too optimistic to entertain any thoughts of this kind. Still there has been an apparent lack of home patronage which we hope will be remedied during the seasons to come.

Gungywamp is fast coming into the limelight of publicity. There is talk of a trolley coming to our town, connecting us with the outside world. Many of our residents have been heard to say “Huh!” By all means let us not say “Huh,” but let us say “Hooray!” Let us encourage progress with a welcoming hand. Let us open our doors to advancement. We have long been shut off from the outside world, our only means of communication having been the telephone and the stage coach.

Our town has a future. The latest census returns show we have gained 19 residents, and two houses are in the process of construction. Don’t stand in the way of progress, Trespass notices printed while you wait. It is time to bring in your cider advertisements, and subscriptions are always appreciated. Welcome to Gungywamp and to the Advocate office!

____________

Sept. 15, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Gungy’s Trolley Talk

It ain’t no cyclone struck our town,

     Nur no revival meet,

But it hez got sech things ez thet

     Discounted, skun an’ beat.

All pollertics is on the shelf,

     An’ crops hez took a walk;

All you kin hear in Stokes’s store

     Each night is trolley talk.

Stokes says he ain’t sold ha’f ez much,

     It’s knocked his trade sky-high;

All they hev done is set an’ talk,

     Ain’t hed no time to buy.

Stokes says ef this don’t stop right soon

     He’s jest a-goin’ to balk;

He says he can’t afford to run

     A store fur trolley talk.

Two fellers they hev got surveyed

     Frum Langdon out to here,

An’ though they’re keepin’ rather mum,

     It’s purtty moral clear

Thet they’s a trolley in the wind,

     Looks like it more an’ more;

At any rate, they’re buildin’ one

     In Stokes’s grucery store.

You ask a man how is his wife,

     An’ he will turn an’ say:

“Heard anything about the line?

     What is the news today?”

Seems ev’ry man is doubled-eared,

     With eyes jest like a hawk;

Can’t hear a blessed thing in town

     Exceptin’ trolley talk.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“The best part uv a bargain is the feelin’ thet you’ve got one.”

______

Ice Cream Note

A Springfield fire has just burned up 6000 tons of ice. It beats all what fire will do when it gets started.

______

The Usual Way

Hank Stubbs – I don’t believe anything I hear an’ on’y ha’f what I see.

Bige Miller – Meanin’ I s’pose you keep one eye open.

______

Cheerful Comment

Doesn’t the earth look good, though?

Mr. Keith is a right reformer.

The Zeppelin fleet has been put out of commission.

It is high time to trot out your “handsomest cheeild.”

In keeping with the times the woman smuggler should be a smugglette.

Cavalieri was putting temptation in “Bob’s” way when she allowed him $60.

Wheeling, W. Va., has the longest bar in the sorld. Some of its patrons wish they had the longest throats.

A dog running wild in the outskirts of New York bit 23 persons before it was finally disposed of. What an unlucky mess!

Somehow or other the world always likes to overrate the wealth of a man of means during his lifetime, as in the case of the late Thomas F. Walsh.

______

Pastry Note

New York bread must be weighed. We will bet on the young housewife as against the baker for full weight.

______

The Birdmen

Soon the north winds will blow,

And we shall have snow,

What will the birdmen do then, poor things?

They will sit by the fire

And live higher and higher,

On the money they made with their wings.

______

Down Stairs

The melancholy days are here,

     They are, upon my soul;

There’s lots of chilly atmosphere,

     But not a chunk of coal.

______

A Healthful District

Between Harvard and Central Squares, Cambridge, on Massachusetts avenue, there are 18 physicians, nine on either side, and yet they say there is not much illness in that section of the city.

______

The Modiste

Yes, she tried with our tariff to flirt,

And get by with a new hobble skirt;

       But they held up the dress,

       And she cried in distress:

“E’en before I can wear it I’m hurt!”

     Dorchester.                      H. E. F. 

                               ____________               

Sept. 16, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Poor Milwaukee!

(Experts declare Milwaukee’s water supply unfit to drink. - News)

O, Milwaukee, poor Milwaukee,

     Sad it is for us to think

You, of all the favored cities,

     That your water’s on the blink!

What misfortune for a people

     Prizing water as you do;

O, we hope and pray, Milwaukee,

     That the item isn’t true.

O, Milwaukee, drear Milwaukee,

     On a germ-infested brink;

How your people must be yearning

     For a pure and sparkling drink.

Typhoid visions nightly haunt you,

     Ghosts of thirsty souls awake;

O, Milwaukee, stricken city

     By a wet but drinkless lake!

O, Milwaukee, dry Milwaukee,

     Sad of heart and parched of tongue!

Ever since we can remember

     Has your excellence been sung.

Cruel, that your fame and luster

     Should go sliding on the brink.

Who would care to seek your shelter

     With your water on the blink?

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“The world is most too crowded nowadays to make room fur a swelled head.”

______

Everyday Philosophy

The chronic kicker never hits the mark.

Cream will rise to the top on a pan of milk or in the coffee.

Don’t discourage the boy who whistles a good deal if he works accordingly.

Picking at the lunch box causes more indigestion than does the worry of the job.

An empty coal bin may be the result of a too full summer.

You may be quite a fellow in your own place and be up against it in the next one.

Shop talk may be all right in its place, but there should be a scarcity of it in the shop itself.

An overdose of system is just as bad as an overdose of carelessness and more expensive.

You can bank on this: That your tonsorial artist will never weary you with his conversation on the merits of a safety razor.

______

The Old and the New

In days of old, when men were bold,

     And womankind were quiet,

The world ne’er saw a great hurraw,

     And never had a riot.

But now, alas! ’Tis come to pass,

     Mankind is bold no longer;

He’s down and out, gave up the spout,

     The suffragette is stronger.

______

Not so Green as Painted

City runner – Good morning, sir. Haven’t I seen you somewhere before?

Seth Hilltop – I wouldn’t be s’prised, young man. I wuz jailer down to Redtop fur somethin’ over 15 years.

______

Keep Behind Him

“Paw is all right,” drawled the dead and alive maiden, “once you get on the right side of him.”

“Yes, fair cweature,” sighed Archibald, “but which is the wight one? I feah I was on the wong side lawst night!”

______

Business as it’s Done

Proprietor – How much do you expect per week?

Applicant – I would be willing to start in for $25 a week.

Proprietor – I will give you $6. (He’s working.)

______

Not the Laughing Kind

“Would you like to buy some original humor, sir?” asked the rhymester, holding out a manuscript.

“We have plenty of our own,” replied the editor, pointing to a boil behind his left ear.

______

The Dangers of Drinking

Drinking out of a bottle has always been considered a dangerous performance, as well as a most undignified one. Drinking out of a bottle, and not knowing its contents, is a still more dangerous thing to do, as many people have learned to their sorrow. Not only did a Yonkers parson drink out of a bottle recently, naughty man that he was, but he drank from the wrong bottle, and as a result had to telephone a hospital physician to relieve the situation, which he did after some exceedingly strenuous applications. It seems the good man had been more or less mixed up with dyspepsia and in the wee sma hours of the morning sought his medicine chest and took therefrom a bottle from which he took a generous swig. Here is where the vanity of the minister became exposed, for, instead of taking his dyspepsia cure he seized a bottle of hair tonic which resulted as above.

Now it seems the good man is worried for fear he may be annoyed with in-growing hair, and if he gets by this time, he will never drink from a bottle again. And furthermore, he says, if his hair wants to fall out, or turn white, he is going to let it; he is not going to deceive his parishioners even to the extent of having a bottle of hair tonic concealed about the house.

____________

Sept. 17, 10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

A Bedtime Song

I.

When the twilight steals apace,

     Then it’s bedtime, dearie.

When the great sun hides his face,

     Then it’s bedtime, dearie.

When the birds have sought the eaves,

When the night winds kiss the leaves,

When the Sandman winds and weaves

          Mystic spells

          O’er hills and dells,

     Then it’s bedtime, dearie.

II.

When the lamps have lit the room,

     Then it’s bedtime, dearie;

When the crickets bring the gloom,

     Then it’s bedtime, dearie.

When the sleepy dream-boat takes

You o’er bulo-lands and lakes,

When the good-night song awakes

          Guarding eyes

          From out the skies,

     Then it’s bedtime, dearie.

REFRAIN.

     Bedtime, dearie, then away,

     Tired from the long, long day,

          Sleep, my dearie.

     Close your little wond’ring eyes,

     God will watch you from the skies,

          Sleep, my dearie.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Poetic fire is the on’y kind uv fire thet kin burn in a cold room without any naterial fuel.”

______

Church Note

Fifty-seven ministers in Iowa have quit because they can’t support families of the salaries they receive. Perhaps it would be a good idea to swell the home mission fund to the curtailment of the foreign one.

______

Pavement Philosophy

Marking time isn’t progress.

Be up and doing, but not others.

Young ladies should keep good company, but not too late.

It is better a man should be a corker than an “un-corker.”

The altitude seekers are really the sky-larks of the air.

There are more actors off the stage, even if they are not so good.

Perhaps the man who is hit when he is down will keep up longer next time.

You can’t help love’s flying out of the window, even if it is nailed down.

If you say mean things about other people you know just what to expect yourself.

The always suspicious person always has plenty of food for thought.

If money didn’t make the mare go something less creditable would, most likely.

There is one thing to say in favor of the out and out fool; he doesn’t try to fool anybody else.

If the young brother tells all he sees you ought to see to it that he doesn’t see anything to tell.

Some folks will say that so and so drinks like a fish, and yet it is a question whether a fish drinks or not.

You may call the farmer slow, but he takes more chances from year to year than any dozen men who work inside at a salary.

The average married man kicks because his wife worries because he doesn’t get home right on time, but suppose she didn’t care whether he ever came or not?

______

An Allegory

(Contributed.)

We live this life as in a virgin wood,

     Where overhead the leafy branches twine,

     And sifting through the dancing sunbeams shine

Or rain drops patter in a gentle flood.

Not much we see of Heaven’s wide arch above

     When days are calm or gentle breezes blow;

     ’Tis when fierce winds toss treetops to and fro

Visions we have of God’s eternal love.

Here in midgloom we unexpected see

     Bright blossoms bloom, hear happy birds that sing;

Beneath some rock, from earthly fetters free,

     See gushing forth some sweet, life-giving spring.

Here, even here, whate’er life’s woes may be,

     Foretaste we have of joys that Heaven will bring.

     Webster.                        S. G. R.

______

Looking Ahead

“Well, what in the world are you worried about now?”

“I am no pessimist, but just the same, I can’t help looking at things just as they are. Here we have just about gotten rid of the house flies so that we are beginning to feel a little easy, when a new danger confronts us. When these airships get as numerous as the house flies they will be just as much of a pest, and what I am worrying about is,

how are we going to get rid of them?”

______

Tom’s Memory

“Before I went away I told Tom just what I wanted him to do about the house from day to day, and to make it doubly sure I talked my orders into our phonograph so he could play the record each night and so remember.”

“And did he then forget?”

“I found everything in the house about ruined. He said he couldn’t bear to play the phonograph in my absence, it reminded him so of me and made him lonely.”

____________

Sept. 18, 10.

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Uncle Ezra Says:

“P’raps love wouldn’t fly out uv the winder so often ef more kindness wuz brought in at the door.”

______

Sunday Note

No doubt a great many more people would go to church on Sunday if the minister would preach more about automobiles and golf sticks and a little less about chariots of fire and the rod of Aaron.

______

Musings of the Office Boy

Runnin’ errands is only a name.

High-flyin’ ain’t all done up in the air.

The one who thinks he has ev’rybody guessin’ is the one doin’ it.

It is easy enough to throw a bluff, but it doesn’t always make a hit.

When a girl says she never was kissed, most people begin to look round and wonder why.

What’s the use spendin’ half the summer in getting’ a seashore complexion, then coverin’ it up with drug store stuff as soon as you get back in town?

______

Familiar Sounds

The old school bell

It sounds the knell

      Of little Johnnie’s fun;

The “whacks” perchance

Upon his pants

      Tells us the school’s begun!

______

A Low-Down Shell Game

A New York peanut merchant by the name of Michael Strianci was arrested recently because he was selling peanuts a la short pint. Short pints might do in some things, say in cordwood of railroad iron, etc., but not in peanuts. When we buy peanuts we want full measure; yea, we want the measure heaped up a bit. We cannot think of any punishment great enough to mete out to a person who would give short measure on peanuts. He at least might have gathered up empty shells sufficient to have filled his measure up to the standard. It is bulk we want when we buy peanuts. The peanut captain of trade who fills his pint or quart cup to overflowing will always get his customer a second time.

We fear Michael became Americanized too soon. Doubtless he had seen the sugar kings rolling down Broadway in their limousines, and upon inquiring and finding out the cause of their sudden affluence he proceeded to follow suit. Michael ought to have known that there is a vast difference between the sugar monopoly and the peanut business, and yet –

Peanuts belong to the peepul. The bag of peanuts is to the common herd what the stick of candy is to the child. No one would think of giving short measure to the child who loves his stick of candy. It is useless for any dealer to try the shell game in peanut land. When it comes to peanuts every policeman and every judge belongs to the common herd, and there is no use for Michael Strianci, or any other vendor, trying to curtail the measure on that most delicious of shell-fruit, the peanut.

____________

Sept. 19, 10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Singing at Her Work

There’s the woman who sings in the choir once a week,

     And charms by her excellent voice;

Perhaps she directs him the way he should go

     And makes the stray sinner rejoice.

And then there’s the woman who sings with the rest

     In the chorus array on the stage,

And then there’s the star who sings above par,

     With the audience always the rage.

Then there’s the woman who brightens the home,

     The wife of the rich man or clerk,

Who passes her time in the right sort of way,

     And joyfully sings at her work.

The church singer pleases, the star entertains,

     The soubrette and chorus are chirk;

But give me the wife, or the girl, full of life

     Who joyfully sings at her work.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“It’s all right to lock the stable door after the hoss is stole, becuz the thief may want to come back after some hay.”

______

Late Vacation Note

Now that the canoeing and bathing season is over let us congratulate ourselves that we’re here because we’re here.

______

Musings of the Office Boy

End the day with a smile, too.

Grow up with the bus’ness, but not onto it.

It is hard to find a noiseless typewriter of any kind.

A girl don’t have to be a good player to make a hit on the golf links.

I never could see how a man was a bread “winner” when he had to work for it.

“Bus’ness before pleasure” is the reason some men never get any pleasure.

On the quiet, the stenog’ gets more bus’ness cards than the boss does himself.

The average girl will suffer most everything from a corn before she will admit she has got one.

______

The Coppess

The first woman policeman, or perhaps we should say “policette,” in on the beat in Los Angeles, Cal. At first one might think this woman is undertaking a dangerous mission, but we think on the whole she will, if she be good looking, and of course she is, have everything her own way. It has ever been man’s lot to fall down before woman and do her bidding. Can you imagine even the most hardened of criminals, when she taps him gently on the shoulder and looks into his eyes, and says, “Come along with me, please,” refusing to go along with her? No; every one of us, to a man, would say, “I’m game, go as far as you like,” and trot along beside her.

On her first round she was chaperoned by an experienced policeman, but this was merely to show her how to swing her club, and to acquaint her with the numerous peanut stands where she could help herself and where she could not. There is quite a little to learn about the police business, and doubtless it will be several days before she gets her hand in.

We congratulate Los Angeles on the first step towards having a coppess, or coppene, or coppette, whichever it may be, and we are looking forward to the time when Boston will place some of her fair daughters on patrol, and when she does we will beat it for the sidewalk and try to get pulled in. Move on!

____________

Sept. 20, ‘10