Jocosities, August 21 - 31, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Great Milk Battle

We wish they’d win

    The great milk war.

And not be in

    A so-called draw.

Each army thinks

    They’ve won the scrap,

While we, by jinks,

    Are short of pap.

The cows are all

    Disgusted quite,

And stand and bawl

    From morn till night.

The milkmaids they

    Are worried too,

And even say

    The milk is blue.

If they don’t get

    A move on soon

We’ll change, you bet,

    Our silv’ry tune.

We’ll buy a cow

    Or two, alas!

And they, I swow,

    Can go to grass!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Take time fur ev’rything, but ez a rule don’t take more than thirty days.”

______

Outing Note

But a few more Sundays remain for high-diving, boat-rocking and reckless canoeing. If you have gotten by so far this season try to make a good finish.

______

Pavement Philosophy

A big nose looks all right in its place.

The word “tired” is much used and abused.

A little authority is too much for some people.

Sometimes when a man falls he has succeeded.

A bad liver is sometimes the result of a good one.

The bigger the noise the bigger the silence that follows.

If you are a self-made man try to be a self-contained one also.

Trying to paint the town red shows a certain amount of greenness.

A watched pot may not boil, but it is not the same with people usually.

Some men are willing the other fellow shall be the hero and get the applause.

“Any port in a storm;” also anyone’s umbrella.

Some people hold their noses so high they’d walk right over a fat pocketbook.

If you had the other fellow’s job perhaps you’d make a worse fuss over it than he does.

When you laugh at an old joke are you complimenting the man or merely encouraging him in sin?

One way you can notice that the world is growing better, people don’t have as many boils as they used to.

The best way for chronic grumblers would be for them to tell their troubles to a phonograph and then be obliged to listen to it.

______

Gungy Small Talk

Hank Stubbs – Gosh dinged ef I ain’t gittin’ behind the times.

Bige Miller – How so?

Hank Stubbs – I says to my wife, says I: “It’s too bad Mandy Crockett is so crippled up with corns and bunions, ain’t it?” An’ she says, “Mandy ain’t got no corns an’ bunions, she’s hevin’ a hobble gown made up an’ is tryin’ to acquire the walk in advance.”

______

The Sick Man’s Choice

“What I shall have to do with you,” said the doctor, shaking his head seriously, “is put you on a soft diet.”

“Say, doc’,” begged the patient, who had never been sick before, “if it’s all the same to you I’d prefer to stay here on the old bed; it may take me longer to get well, but I’m a leetle shy about sleepin’ on any of them new-fangled things.”

______

Goldenrod

(Contributed.)

Beside the road the Goldenrod

     On sturdy stalk is swaying;

The graceful blossoms as they nod

     To passers by are saying:

“Enjoy the summer while ye may,

     Its golden days are going;

Prize to the full each glowing day

     Ere winter’s winds are blowing!”

     Webster.                   S. G. R.

______

His Foot In It

(Contributed.)

A short time ago two young men were conversing on the piazza of a motel located in southern New Hampshire, and after they had talked at some length one of them, who was a travelling salesman, asked his companion if he wouldn’t like to ride down to the beach and annex a couple of summer girls. Very much to the surprise and confusion of the saleman, his friend informed him that he was a clergyman in charge of one of the local churches.

     Boston.                                        H. V. L.

______

Compensations

(Contributed.)

We chide and tease the hearts we love the best,

     So God afflicts us in caressing ways,

     Us loving, and tormenting, all our days;

Most kind, when we believe ourselves distressed;

Least kind, when we conceit ourselves most blest.

     He leaves us poor, beggars almost for bread,

     But gives us shining spirit-dower instead,

Pure, perfect power, eternal when possessed!

     Bright fancy, earth and heaven to rove,

     Tireless as spirits in our dreams and love;

Minds beautiful and brave, as music sweet,

Free as the winds and able, when they meet,

     To still the selfish miseries of hate.

     Somerville.         H. A. KENDALL.

____________

Aug. 21, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

My Favorite Boy

You can have the boy who can ride and shoot,

Who can sing and play and dance;

Give me the boy who can make his bed,

And sew a button on his pants.

You can have the boy who wants baseball,

Who’s killing umpires in his sleep;

Give me the boy who can wash a dish,

And scrub the kitchen floor and sweep.

You can have the boy who can steer a car,

Who can handle the wheels and brake;

Give me the boy who can pick a roast,

The boy who can broil a steak.

It is not because I love him best,

That I hold him up to view,

But because if he weds the average girl,

Those are the things he’ll have to do.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“This world hez progressed to the p’int now where people look a gift autymobile in the gaserline tank.”

______

Engagement Note

The newspapers have had a pretty hard time in effecting a meeting between Miss Wilkins and the Duke of the Abruzzi, but now that they have accomplished it they and all the world breathe easier.

______

Two Speed Gladiators

The first round between the airship and the automobile was fought at Ashbury Park last week, the airship, which was an experimental biplane, coming out second best.

______

Game to a Finish

Hank Stubbs – What do you think uv thet game they call golf, anyway?

Bige Miller – Waal, it’s a purty lively game, I guess; but when it comes to knockin’, I reckon they kin all be discounted some in Stokes’ store.

______

Henry’s Explanation

Mrs. Gettrich – Henry, you remember that young Mr. Muser who used to live here and was always scribbling for the papers? Well, this magazine calls him one of the minor poets of the day. Now, what is a minor poet?

Mr. Gettrich – I don’t know exactly, but I do know this much – that he was a book-keeper the last I heard of him, an’ I don’t believe he’d ever throw up a job like that for diggin’ coal.

______

The Bachelor’s Reverie

“Now, in case a fellow has two or more wives in Heaven, what is he to do supposing he ever gets that far?”

“It is very probable that a fellow who has two or more wives in Heaven won’t make any effort to go in that direction.”

______

The Fleeing Fly

How doth the little household fly

     Improve each golden minute,

By hiding round the kitchen days

     And dodging all that’s in it.

______

Musings of the Office Boy

Also a watched clock never runs.

Some bosses ain’t very strong on the raise.

There must be a few things the office cat ain’t to blame for.

You can’t make hay when the sun shines if you ain’t got no grass.

The scent of violets ain’t much to the rival who can’t afford to bring ‘em in.

When the head clerk tells you to take your time he means to take it in a hurry.

When two messenger boys are together it seems to be a race seein’ who can go the slowest.

Ev’rybody knows that honesty is the best policy just the same as they know it’s better to be out of jail than in.

______

An Honest Villain

Beacon – Would you marry a woman with a past?

Hill – Well, if she had money and wasn’t too far past.

______

“He Gave Gifts Unto Men”

(Contributed.)

Saturday I went a-viewing all the various fruits and flowers,

Meats and products that the market for the hungry folks supplied,

And I found the hand of Nature, through the kindly sun and showers,

Had a marvelous assortment, ‘mong his children to divide.

Sunday I went out a-hearing what the churches had for teaching –

What they gave their flocks for pasture to support their higher living,

And I found as great assortment in the ministerial preaching

As I found among the markets – both, too, of the Father’s giving,

For His wisdom gives to each one what he best can understand,

And can use to feed his body, or to meet his soul’s demand.

     Melrose.                         T. F.

____________

Aug. 22, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Call of the Wood

All day I hear the call of the wood

     O’er the sound of the city’s throb;

All day it wakens my office dreams,

     And my peace and purpose rob.

Would I listen to the voice of trade,

     Or sound of the busy mart,

Then call of the wood invades the scene,

     And pierces my restless heart.

Then do I behold the tangled depths

     Of a forest deep and green;

Where the branches touch the moss-grown sward,

     And a brook in the deep ravine.

And the brook joins in the woodland call,

     As it purls o’er stump and stones;

And the voice of trade is lost again

     In its musical monotones.

A white-walled castle stands ‘neath the trees

     With its bed of scented pines;

And a campfire burns between the stones

     While its smoke far upward twines.

And a boat is tied to the grassy shore,

     On a lake of dreamy blue;

And the city’s throb is lost again,

     For the lake is calling, too.

O, the call of the wood is deep and long,

     And whispers the livelong day;

‘Tis like the breath of a wind-swept plain,

     Like the voice of a child at play.

As the years go down, the woodland call

     Grows sweeter and full of cheer;

While the voice of trade is harsh and dull,

     And finds a declining ear.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“When oppertunerty knocks at your door don’t expect it to hang around for you to shine your shoes an’ put on a clean collar.”

______

Fruit Note

Connecticut papers report an unusual peach crop this year. Massachusetts always has a fine crop of peaches.

______

A Misnomer

“Been on vacation yet?”

“Well, I’ve had a change.”

______

Joy Riding in Gungy

Hank Stubbs – Out on a joy ride, Bige?

Bige Miller – Waal, ef you think they’s any joy in lambastin’ this ol’ plug down to the village an/ back I s’pose it would come under thet head.”

______

As He Sees It

Slogun – What does “T. R.” stand for?

Snappett – “Talk” and “Retribution.”

______

Tempting a Printer

“Printer wanted; an all round printer for country news and job office; permanent place, good wages for temperate man; pleasant seaside town. VINEYARD GAZETTE.”

The above alluring adv. was discovered recently by a Herald man and turned over to the curio dept. At first this clipping would seem harmless enough, and doubtless would be passed over by the great majority, but to the keen observer, the man who is eternally looking out for the best interests of his fellow-man, the individual who sizes up things for what they are worth and reads between the lines, the adv. will bear a little further inspection. If there is a class of tradesmen in all creation who should not be tempted to enter the vineyard, it is the printer. The average printer should be kept as far from the vineyard as possible. We would as soon think of asking a printer to work in a brewery as in a vineyard. In the old days, when we were working on the “Gungywamp Gazette,” there was a cider mill located within a quarter of a mile of the printing office, and whenever we wanted to get out a little job work we had to go over to the cider infirmary and round up the printers. The only way the paper ever succeeded was to move a good two miles from the cider district.

If this advertisement had asked for an un-temperate printer, or even a semi-temperate printer, it would have been a little different, but to advertise for a temperate printer and bring him into the pales of a vineyard, a strain which no near-human printer can stand, is asking too much. We are ashamed of our brother journalists for presuming to tempt a poor, unsuspecting and temperate printer to enter the vineyard. Yea, verily, what is our profession coming to?

______

“Eggs is Eggs”

(Contributed.)

“Eggs to be sold by the pound, and Winsted (CT.) farmers are feeding their hens iron filings.” – News.

In that old state of Yankee thrift,

     Of wooden nutmeg fame

And bright ideas – they’re always swift

     To get right in the game.

If eggs are to be sold by weight,

     They’re ready now to try it,

For they’ve begun, the papers state,

     To feed hens a new diet.

Now in the dish of corn and bran

     They’re mixing scraps of iron,

For they feel sure that by this plan

     Good weight they can rely on.

They’ll beat us in these new-style sales,

     And more we’ll have to pay,

For though they sell eggs by the scales,

     You see they’ve found a way.

    *      *        *        *        *        *

When our system needs a tonic,

     Egg-nog won’t taste so bad;

Though our ailment might get chronic

     With results that would be sad.

     Dorchester.                  H. E. F.

____________

Aug. 23, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

“Something Just as Good”

There is the man who hands you out

     The thing you want to buy;

The man who’s wise and up to date,

     Who has a good supply.

And then there is the half-way man

     Who keeps a stock most crude;

Who says he hasn’t what you want,

     But something just as good.

If you are easy to his wiles,

     And fall beneath his bluff,

You soon may find upon your hands

     A bunch of worthless stuff.

You may get something just as good,

     Sometimes it happens so;

But as a rule you’ll wake to find

     Your purchase will not go.

The world is full of sharkish souls

     To lead the weak awry;

‘Tis best to learn exactly what

     You want before you buy.

And when you thus know what you want,

     Don’t let some scamp intrude

And palm upon your halting mind

     A “something just as good.”

If one can’t give you what you want,

     Go to the one who can;

That is the only way to keep

     Abreast your fellow man.

And when you make a stand like that

     ‘Twill soon be understood,

And grasping ones won’t try to sell

     You something just as good.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“It’s a question whether a dollar looks big or small when you ain’t got one.”

______

Stage Note

A Chicago minister has deserted his pulpit to become an actor, leading a string of chorus girls in a musical comedy, and now his parishioners are wondering if the church and stage are growing closer apart or wider together.

______

Everyday Philosophy

By your work shall ye be paid.

It’s not what you earn, it’s what you burn.

If your sins don’t find you out some sinner will.

An ounce of prevention is worth a neighborhood of advice.

There’s no time like the present, and no present like money.

The end-seat hog isn’t as black as he’s painted; he’s more so.

Let your light so shine that the fellow coming behind won’t bump you.

It is said that one reason why some women are so anxious to aviate is so they can look down on their neighbors, and at the same time see how their hats are trimmed on top.

______

Camping on the Elkins Trail

Will he get her,

Won’t he get her?

Anyway, the Duke has met her;

If pop lets her,

And he gets her,

Use her well Abruzzi’d better.

Will he get her,

Won’t he get her?

What’s the latest “foreign letter?”

______

More True Than Funny

Hank Stubbs – Our town hez ris to a distinction.

Bige Miller – What mout it be?

Hank Stubbs – I believe we’re the on’y burg in the country thet ain’t invited Roosevelt to make a speech.

______

A Dangerous Argument

Two men entered a Malden Chinese laundry recently to get their finery, which they had left there some days previous. Having forgotten their checks, the linen specialist refused to hand over the goods. One word led to another, as is always the case, when the Chinaman, having reached the end of his vocabulary, seized a revolver and finished the argument by firing it twice in rapid succession. Whether he aimed at his opponents or shot his arrow in the air there seems to be no way of knowing at this late day, but the fact that he discharged a weapon within city limits, and disturbed the peace of the peace-loving citizens of Malden was enough to cause him to be arrested and hauled into court. As no material damage was done, the judge let him off with a severe lecture in plain English, which it is doubtful if the laundry expert understood.

Argument with a revolver in the hands of a quick-tempered Celestial is a dangerous line of conversation, which should be discouraged by the powers that be. The queerest thing about the fracas is that the Chinaman didn’t hit something. When a woman throws a stone at a hen she never hits the hen, but generally wounds an innocent bystander. The flat manipulator, unaccustomed to the use of firearms, can thank his lucky stars he didn’t wing a passing milk wagon or an innocent trolley car. Had the men been smoking pipes there is no doubt that the wild chink would have come nearer the mark, as it is a well known fact that men of his kind invariably hit the pipe. Perhaps the outnumbered “sprinkler” was justified in using strong persuasion, but we are surprised that the judge doesn’t see that his argument is taken from him.

Moral: When you go into a laundry pass in your checks or you may pass them in for keeps.

______

As Per Schedule K.

Mary had a little lamb,

     Which pleased her quite a heap;

For little lambs in time become

     The big, wool-growing sheep.

                                             S. G. R.

____________

Aug. 24, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Cheerful Comment

Langtry can “come back.”

Some lobsters are never scarce.

Open your ice chest and let in the cold wave.

China retaliates by smoking all-America cigarettes.

“Death to the Yankees” is a far cry for the defeated Nicaraguans.

The Madriz army appears to be a rapid one when it comes to a flee fight.

Head keeper of New York’s Central Park menagerie prophesies an early winter. Now watch coal go up!

Some of the government typewriter girls at Washington have worked all the others out of a job by selfishly getting married.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“One kind uv spirits is mighty bad to keep up the other kind, to any great extent.”

______

Fishing Note

The Fishing Gazette says that the scales tell the age of a fish. What a pity it is that they don’t more truthfully tell its weight!

______

Father Adam’s Woes

Whatever troubles Adam had

     No man could make him sore

By saying, when he told a jest,

     “I’ve heard that joke before.”

– Success Magazine.

Whatever troubles Adam had,

     He was a lucky man.

He was not nightly told to dump

     The icebox water pan.

– Detroit Free Press.

Whatever troubles Adam had

     (We hope this thing will rhyme),

He never wept o’er punk like this

     In the good old summer time.

– New York Tribune.

Whatever troubles Adam had –

     How much we cannot guess –

He never had to worry about

     Eve’s bill for hat or dress.

– Binghamton Press.

Whatever troubles Adam had

     He had no cook to hire,

Nor was his heart or Eve’s made sad,

     By an auto’s busted tire.

– Schenectady Union.

Whatever troubles Adam had

     To prey upon his mind,

He didn’t have to hear Eve say,

     “Hook up my gown behind.”

– Brattleboro Reformer.

Whatever troubles Adam had,

     And he had some, I s’pose,

He never sat behind a hat

     At moving picture shows.

– Houston Post.

Whatever troubles Adam had –

     And griefs the old man bore –

No crazy yap e’er yelled at Ad:

     “Say! old boy, what’s the score?”

– Scranton Tribune-Republican.

Whatever troubles Adam had

     One blithely did he miss;

He never had to tack a verse

     On such a string as this!

______

Some of Her False

This morning while waking up Washington street at an early hour, before the city was very much awake, we saw a rat fully 16 inches long, sunning itself beside the curbing. Just a moment, please; we repeat, the rat was fully 16 inches long. That is a pretty long rat, isn’t it? But some rats are very long. The longer a rat lives the longer it becomes. Alas, this poor rat of which we speak was dead. It was curled up, forming a perfect circle, and lay motionless. Pedestrians gazed at it wonderingly, but nobody appeared to want to touch it. It was a rich brown in color, and looked as though it once might have inhabited a 10-cent store.

There was something behind the appearance of that dead rat lying in the street. How came it there? Was there a tragedy connected, of which the police know not of? It was one of those beautiful mysteries which we fain would share in running down. We pondered. It was almost in front of a motel. Here is our conclusion: In all probability some fair one had carelessly left it on the window sill the night before, and a sudden puff of wind had lifted it and carried it into the street. What a pity one so young and fair should so carelessly lose her head!

____________

Aug. 25, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

“Could Wed a Better Man”

(Bruno I. Feder, of New York City, killed himself so that his wife might be free to marry a better man. – News.)

Say not that heroes are no more

That chivalry is dead;

The world is full of such today,

And not by banners led.

Whether ‘twere wise God only knows,

We can’t foresee His plan;

“He killed himself so that his wife

Could wed a better man.”

How many in the throng today

That follow fashion’s lead,

Would face the great untried, unknown,

By such a strange-like deed?

How many would cast self aside?

Name one soul if you can,

Who’d ever quit so that his wife

Could wed a better man!

Nay, it was not the thing to do,

But here’s a moral, sir:

Don’t do a bloody act like that,

Out of your love for her.

But you can do a noble deed,

Make sacrifice you can;

Strike out the worthlessness and make

Yourself a better man.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“The principal cause uv divorce is, they’re too all-fired easy!”

______

Literary Note

There comes a time in the life of every writer when he no longer likes to have his work referred to as “squibs.”

______

Gungy on College Life

Hank Stubbs – Wonder what Peters’ boy is doin’ down to the seat uv learnin’?

Bige Miller – Wearin’ out his pants, most likely.

______

The Aviation Seat

The Aviation Seat,

For the higher educations,

For those who want ‘em,

We hereby advise you

To go down to Squantum.

______

Cheerful Comment

POOR May Yohe; not Strong, and without Hope!

What do you think about the Heinze “variety?”

Billy Sullivan is the champion highball catcher.

New York’s tall barber poles are going to have a hair cut.

We supposed everybody was sober when they went after marriage licenses.

Now here’s Abruzzi denying it! But then, of course, he doesn’t know.

According to Paul J. Rainey of Glendale, L. I., it takes a bird to catch a bird.

Edison says moving pictures are going to speak soon. Some of them are pretty loud now.

There’s a great movement on foot to get the birds back. We don’t refer to the ones who are merely away for the summer.

Chicago has the champion dishwasher in the person of Joseph Vogel. Now listen to the ladies reading this item to their husbands!

______

Personal and Professional

Now that the hay is all raked and mowed,

     Aye, even sold for what price it will bring,

May we inquire of the parodist crowd

     What does Maud Miller do now, poor thing?

– Buffalo News.

Visit the suburban haunts of Maud,

     And the country trip will probably reveal

Maud, with some chiffon about her brow,

     Whizzing around in an automobile.

– Scranton Tribune-Republican.

Or maybe you’ll find her playing golf,

     With a summer boarder gay,

Out in the fields where years before

     She helped her father get in his hay.

______

More Important

Beacon – Crippen has passed “Father Point.”

Hill – But there’s one farther on he hasn’t passed yet.

______

Contributed Quatrain

If heaven could feel the pangs of sin,

     Its anger sure would soften;

It could not look, unsmiling, in

     This pool of tears so often.

                                      H. A. K.

______

Sighting a Sight-Seer

On our way to the office for several mornings we have noticed an individual standing at the corner of Tremont and Winter streets, presumably in the employ of a sight-seeing automobile concern. Apparently with impaired eyesight we at first wondered if he was much of an asset. Upon second thought we felt a little chagrined, felling that the sign on his hat, “Sight-Seeing,” might not be a means of letting pedestrians know that he was taking in the sights and if he were one of them!

Boston.                                         “T. COMP.”

______

The Lions and the Lamb

(Contributed.)

Mary had a little lamb,

     ‘Twas made of Para rubber;

When Aldrich put the tariff up

     Poor Mary had to blubber.

For Mary thought all girlies nice

     Should have a lambkin, too;

But when the trust shoved up the price

     What could the poor girls do?

It got into the Congress Halls

     Which made Nelse Aldrich wince;

Says he: “My pals, it now befalls

     The Public is no quince.”

“What makes Nelse love the rubber so?”

     Then Mary loud did cry;

Because, my child, if you must know,

     He’s cornered the supply!

     Webster.                    S. G. R.

______

Skunks Out of Season

If you are harboring a skunk on your premises you’d better look up your local skunk law. It seems there are certain things you can’t do relative to the possession of a skunk, even though you are treating him well. That is to say, you can’t go as far as you like. We always supposed the skunk able to take care of himself, but it seems that the laws of New York have stepped in to assist him. One Henry Guernsey of Geneseo has been arrested and fined for having skunks in his possession out of season. Hen said he s’posed a skunk was a skunk any old time of the year, and if he wanted to run a little skunk farm on the side, s’posed he had a perfect right to. Hen compromised, and let the skunks go, but the neighbors, who are wearing clothes pins on their noses, say they wish the durn’d law would mind its own business.

____________

Aug. 26, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

What Katie Did

The katydid sang in the tree

     Above her head and mine;

The twilight it had grown apace,

     The evening divine.

The katydid sang on and on,

     Love’s power grew apace;

And on my shoulder, broad and strong,

     Soon rested Katie’s face.

The evening breezes stirred the leaves,

     And soughed the swaying pine;

And to the tune of katydid

     Her heart beat close to mine.

I asked her did she love me true,

     Her face then upward slid;

But there! Kind reader, I refuse

     To tell what Katie did!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“It ain’t necessary fur a man to be born to be hung; he kin acquire it.”

______

Personal Note

You can’t always tell a man by the cigar that he smokes; but you can get a pretty good idea of the cigar.

______

Gungywamp Judgment

Hank Stubbs – Sime Slocum says he wuz jest driven to drink.

Bige Miller – Don’t you believe it. Sime would fetch the bar-room ev’ry day, ef he hed to go on his han’s an’ knees.

______

Aero Advice

Birds of a feather

Flock together,

Whether ‘tis fair or stormy weather;

But birds of the kind

That man designed,

From the very start

Better keep apart,

And not get too close together.

______

Cheerful Comment

The cold wave rained down.

A strike isn’t always a hit.

By all means let Col. Taylor do it.

Bet that jungle trip wasn’t half so strenuous.

Vaudeville picks up all the champion swimmers.

Husbands should now be prepared for wives to come home a day or two ahead of time.

Why not arrest the Czar if he’s trespassing on forbidden German territory?

There’s a difference between calling a woman a “dear little cat,” and “an old cat.”

Squantum has the airships, but Winthrop now comes into the limelight with the only trolleyless trolley.

If you have a large family it might pay you to go over the water and rubber boot them for the winter.

______

The Query Box

Dear Jocosity – What is the difference between “eldest” and “oldest”?

                                           I. Wonder.

The difference between “e” and “o.”

“Bud.” – “Do you think it possible for one with long fingers to learn shorthand?”

We think they are more liable to writer’s cramp.

Millie – “Isn’t there some way to keep one’s early love letters out of court?”

Certainly, Millie: write them, then tear them up and repeat them to Archibald in person.

Clip – “A person who writes jokes for the papers is npt spoken of as a practical joker. Why not?

Because no person who lives by his wits is practical.

Sober – “Isn’t there any way of telling when summer leaves off and fall begins except by the calendar?”

Most assuredly; study the quotations of the coal dealers.

Saugus – “Are they still at work on the Panama canal?”

They was, are and will be,

______

The New Poetess

A Near-Sonnet by the Office Boy.

(Contributed.)

Gee, our stenog’ has got some class, you bet,

     Can’t touch her when it comes to style and dress;

And now I’ve found that she’s a poetess;

     She means to break into the high-brow set.

I saw her writin’ verses; she wouldn’t let

     Me get a chance to read ‘em; had to guess

What ‘twas about, don’t know, I must confess.

     She caught me lookin’, and she said, “forget.”

One of her poems got misplaced today,

     Mixed with the letters, by the boss ‘twas seen;

“I call that pretty good,” I heard him say,

     “I want to send it to a magazine.”

I saw her blush and heard her say, “You may.”

     (Now see that Wheelcox woman turning green.)

     Dorchester.                      H. E. F.

____________

Aug. 27, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Burning Question

“I love you very much, indeed,”

     The eager young man said;

“Yes, more than all else in the world”;

     And then his face grew red.

“Would I could call you all my own,”

     He trembled as he spoke;

“You are the queen of all the queens,

     But, darling, do you smoke?”

“I could forgive a scathing tongue,

     Or disposition sour;

I could o’erlook a thousand faults

     That might crop out each hour.

“I could withstand your mama’s rage,

     Could listen to your joke,

But what is troubling me each day

     Is, whether, dear, you smoke?

“Extravagant though you might be,

     In hats three feet across;

Though hobble skirts should tie you down,

     I’d count that little loss.

“But ere I take the final step,

     The clinching word is spoke,

I wish you’d tell me, queenly one,

     If – if you – ever – smoke?”

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“The wust fault with pepper an’ salt folks is, they usually hev too much pepper an’ too little salt.”

______

Picture Note

If your photo flatters you, then your photographer is an artist, but if it looks exactly like you then it is very evident he doesn’t know his business.

______

A Brave Defender

Miss Rival – That Oldtree girl appears to be on the shelf.

Jack Teaser – I’ve known some awfully good stuff to come off the shelf.

______

Pavement Philosophy

Doesn’t the bargain hunter gamble?

Don’t hate your enemies; neglect them.

A pretty face is hard to keep pretty.

Puppy love is simply learning old tricks over again.

Somehow men don’t like mannish women or womanish men.

Constant repeating wears away the brightest joke.

Turning the other cheek is mighty fine in some cases.

Watch the man higher up, whether he’s a cashier or an aviator.

The world feels queer toward a person who has never been kissed.

If you can take it or let it alone then why in the world don’t you?

Persons who don’t know their own minds are apt to think they know everyone else’s.

Loose plates are fine things in some people’s mouths; they prevent much talking.

The man who marries for money frequently has it handed out to his in mighty small doses.

The autoist who turns aviator doubtless will feel lonesome because there will be few people up there to toot his horn at.

______

Love’s Embrace

(Contributed.)

If two divine concerted instruments

Of music, duetting perfectly, could be supposed

Alive, and conscious of their proud effects;

Nay, if creatively they made the notes of song

Themselves, in the full tide of lyric power

Creating and enjoying; themselves determining

Moods, notes and chords, With Art to stand in league

Adding new triumphs yet undreamed by them –

When, on the keys of nerve spirit and brain

May Love, artist divine, make more supreme

Harmonic concord, and love’s most pure embrace

Be music, poetry and thought combined;

Nay, light and life itself, supremest joy;

Joy, the just guerdon of immortal powers.          H. A. KENDALL.

     Somerville.

______

Why Men Leave Home

“Dear Jocosity: I am a woman of, I think, more than average intelligence and discernment, but there is one thing I can’t make out. I have dwelt on this question for years, and the more I ponder over it the more at sea I become. You, being a man, perhaps can answer this question and thus relieve my weary mind. Why do men leave home?

                                                     “Echo Bridge.”

Really, now, Mrs. or Miss or Madam Echo Bridge, you have taken us at a disadvantage. We weren’t prepared for anything of the sort on this beautiful August morning. We thought we were in a fair way to get through our day’s work in time to take a ride in the swan boats this afternoon, but it looks like we would have to spend the day in sober reflection and research. Don’t you think your question a little personal? We think you would have done much better to have asked the editress or editorette of some woman’s publication, or possibly the walking delegate of some active suffrage union.

We may be able to answer your question after a fashion, but we are going to move very cautiously. We are approaching a very vital subject; we might almost say, a vituperous subject. In the first place your question infers that all men leave home. We know better than that, because some men can’t get away. You don’t ask why “some” men leave home, but you say “Why do men leave home?” This is an injustice to faithful stay-at-homes. Of course, if we are to treat the question seriously and honestly, we might say that the reasons are many and varied. We saw a man leave home once because he went down to the village store to get a paper of tobacco. Another man had lost his cow and went over the neighboring pastures in search of her. Salesmen have to leave home because they can’t sell goods at home. We once knew a poor fellow who had to leave home because he found out his head was softer than the stove covers and flats. Another man left home because he never could find his wife in. O, you “Echo Bridge,” there are many reasons, but we don’t like to talk out loud!

____________

Aug. 28, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Frivolous Summer

The summer soon will leave us,

     Well, let her go;

We do not think ‘twill grieve us,

     O, dear me, no!

She has not been a lover true,

She’s knocked our planning all askew;

She’s been so fickle through and through,

     And so we know.

She’s been too hot or else too cold,

     Every day;

Not quite so steady as of old,

     And most too gay.

Perhaps we feel a little sore,

Because she’s cost us so much more

Than in the summer days of yore,

     In ev’ry way.

The summer days will soon be gone –

     Good-bye, fair maid;

You’ll leave us broke and quite forlorn

     And sorely frayed.

When winter comes we’ll wonder what

We did with all the pay we got;

But you’re to blame and we are not,

     You costly jade!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Owin’ to the fact thet women are so afeard uv mice is a purty good sign thet they ain’t all cats.”

______

Fashion Note

Big hats are to be bigger still, and thus doth the higher cost of living soar steadily upward.

______

Aviation Couplet

Parents of children, when they want ‘em,

Soon will find them down at Squantum.

______

Cheerful Comment

All “little cats” are dear, aren’t they?

Some folks are hitching their stars to sky wagons.

Those strenuous twins – The Kaiser and Teddy!

The Elkins-Abruzzi romance reads like a continued story.

The war office refused to shoot at the dry weather for fear it mightn’t hit it.

We were hoping the cloak strike would end before the weather struck on.

The cold wave came just in time to save us from buying straw hat No. 2.

The cowboys are out for Teddy; lots of others are, but not in exactly the same way.

New York’s “literary burglar” has been captured. But there are literary burglars outside of New York.

“Oom the Omnipotent” is free once more, and doubtless “initiations” into the mysterious “Tantric” will soon be in order.

______

To “Aspirant”

Your parodies of Omar, that delicious old vagabond, will not get by. Omar is too good to parody and too well known to imitate. Try us on a “Maude Muller” parody, or on “Mary’s Little Lamb”; we don’t think they’ve ever been done.

______

Too Slow for Her

Miss Nuport – I’m tired of gambling in this stuffy old place, anyway!

Miss Watch-Hill – Why, dear, what has come over you?

Miss Nuport – Here we’ve been playing all summer and haven’t been arrested once!

______

Blitzer Saving Himself

“See this envelope here in this secret drawer to my office desk?” queried Blitzer, chuckling gleefully as his business friend leaned over his shoulder.

“Ah!” exclaimed his friend, suspiciously, “love letters, eh?”

“Love letters nothing,” replied Blitzer. “I’m saving up a little fund unbeknown to my wife; I’ve got $2 already.”

“Saving it for something special?”

“Yes; when my wife calls at the cigar store to buy my annual box of Christmas cigars of the 5-cent variety I have fixed it up with the dealer on the quiet to give her a $6 box and I’ll pay him the difference.”

______

The Nosy Fish

The fish that bites and gets away

May live to bite another day;

But if he fools around the bait

He’ll get the hook as sure as fate.

______

Figuring in Exeter

(Contributed.)

A good many years ago a prominent lawyer living in Exeter, N. H., employed an old colored man on his estate. This man was not very good at figures, so one day while his employer was absent he figured pretty much over the side of the barn to figure out how much 100 pumpkins came to at 1 cent apiece.

Boston.                                                  H. V. L.

______

“Sweet Adeline”

Through many a campaign of the past,

In which his fortunes have been cast,

He made himself with voters strong,

Because he sang his one great song –

                “Sweet Adeline.”

“Beware the Civil Service rocks!”

The old guard said, “and Fin. Com. knocks;

They don’t take kindly to your choice.”

But still he sang in tenor voice –

                “Sweet Adeline.”

“Oh stay,” the city cried, “’tis best,

And leave some places for the rest”;

With eyes firm fixed on Beacon Hill,

“My state,” said he, “shall hear me trill

                “Sweet Adeline!”

The other night we had a dream;

Two years rolled by, so it would seem,

And from the White House came a strain

Of music sweet – that old refrain –

                “Sweet Adeline.”

What e’er high office he may hold,

Or if by ballots laid out cold,

The public have no need to fear,

For they will never cease to hear

                “Sweet Adeline.”

                                         H. E. F.

____________

Aug. 29, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

A Thoughtful Husband

I’m lonely since you went away,

     Our home is blooming dull,

The house seems like an empty barn,

     Except the sink is full.

I roam the drear’, deserted rooms

     And speak your name in vain.

The house plants e’en are wilted now

     Because they need the rain.

I leave the office as of yore,

     And take the self-same car;

I try to spend the evenings in,

     Alas! They dreary are.

And then I think how lonely, too,

     You must be way off there,

And so I come back into town

     Where all is light and fair.

I know you’ll want to hear about

     The shows we’re having here

When you get back, and so to please

     I am going, dear.

I take one in most every night,

     This sacrifice I make;

‘Tis not because I want to go,

     But simply for your sake.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Water will find its own level, but whiskey never comes quite up to the mark.”

______

Society Notes

Many women at Newport are carrying canes – also raising it.

______

Cheerful Comment

“All ashore!” From the Kingdom.

We’ll stamp all of our Dickens, you bet.

Boston is fast acquiring the “look up” habit.

Sort of a cowboy reunion out there, ain’t it?

The birds at Squantum are just pluming themselves.

“Under!” The Zeppelin air line is about to take another chance.

For the sake of the Sunday revelers it would be a good thing to have summer pass.

When they get that new lake built down in Maine the Pine Tree State will be more Prohibition than ever.

It ought to be easy enough to find a woman bandit 6 foot, 3 inches tall, in a little state like Louisiana.

If you have an extra rattlesnake that you can spare as well as not, you can get 25 cts. a pound for them out West.

Wanted: An owner for that $1,265,000 bullion coming from Mexico. Note this is gold and silver bullion, not a broth.

______

Discovered

“I see there’s a discussion in the papers as to where all the clams come from.”

:That’s easy.”

“Where do they come from, smarty?”

“Out of the mud; ho, ho!”

______

The Milky Way Discovered

Prof. T. J. J. See, in charge of the Mare Island Naval Astronomical Observatory, San Francisco, has come forward with the statement that the Milky Way is cosmic dust. Prof. See has had a good look at the subject, having been viewing it for 10 years. We are glad to learn that the old Milky Way isn’t three-fourths water, having been afraid these many years that its owners sometime or other might be arrested for adulteration.

______

A Lot for Your Money

On Sunday we noticed a very alluring sign in a window over in the peaceful city of Somerville. When we want rest and quiet, when we would commune with nature, afar from the noisy and disquieting haunts of man, we go to Somerville. But the sign – that is what we’re here for. It must have been in a barber shop window, though of this we are not certain, as the curtain was down. There are other places besides barber shops where one may get shaved, massaged, drawn and quartered. The sign read as follows:

“Shave and Massage 25 cents also Razors Honed and Concaved.”

If this isn’t a bargain, we don’t know one when we meet it face to face. Here we have a shave and massage for 25 cents, but not only that, also razors honed and concaved thrown in. And you are not limited to one razor; you can, according to the adv., bring as many as you like. If we understand the placard correctly, one may go out and gather up his friends’ razors and there make a little speck. For the life of us we don’t see how these Somervilians make both ends meet, but, of course, every man knows his own business best.

______

Appertaining to “Maude”

(Contributed.)

Maude Muller refuses to budge,

Since she fell in the hands of the judge;

     She was sentenced for life

     To be the man’s wife –

I am sure she owes him a grudge.

     Milford.    HER BACH. FRIEND.

______

Jealousies Were Unknown

(Contributed.)

Whatever Adam’s troubles were,

     He never had a jealous wife;

Because we naturally infer

     Eve’s rivals were too dead for strife.

No turning pockets inside out,

     No watching with a catlike gaze;

No quizzing others all about

     Young Adam and his devious ways.

     Boston.                            JAY BEE.

____________

Aug. 30, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Worry Wise

Don’t worry o’er the weather,

     If worry sir, you must;

The weather is, I’m thinking,

     Run by the weather trust.

Your worry will not change it,

     ‘Twill shine or rain the same;

So take it as they give it,

     And quit the worry game.

Don’t worry o’er the heathen

     That roam the distant isle;

They’ve lived for eons without you,

     They’ll live a longer while.

It is our sly opinion

     They’re happier as they be,

Without the lure of riches,

     Than either you or me.

Don’t worry o’er the future,

     The scarcity of coal;

Your worry won’t affect it,

     So save your harrassed soul.

The future generations,

     It’s up to them to dig;

If there’s a mining shortage

     You cannot make it big.

If you are bound to worry

     Make worry worth your while;

Work out an easy method

     To make a sad one smile.

If you can help your brother

     By worry, on his way,

Then worry, worry, worry,

     And worry ev’ry day!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Ef the coat fits wear it, but allus be sure it’s your own coat.”

______

Love Note

The person who is always out looking for a romance sometimes runs into a riot.

______

Locating Them

Hank Stubbs – Abe Crockett started up his cider mill last week.

Bige Miller – I wondered where all the grucery store crowd wuz lately.

______

Cheerful Comment

That was a fat fire!

Seen anything up in the air yet?

There’s a lot of conversation about conservation.

Does it cost more to get a coat of tan on or off?

Heavy rainfall out in Col. Bryan’s town. Ominous, ominous!

In Jefferson City, Mo., they are feeding convicts watermelon. Anything to make prison life a dream.

One hundred and eighty-five affinities is about two per day, which is too much for one man.

Why can’t the North Shore girls combine the Swirsky dance with the Kneippecure and get by that way?

The colonel laid a corner-stone in Pueblo, Col., yesterday. But isn’t he laying several of them all along the way?

It is hoped no one will attempt to make a joke out of the fact that infantile paralysis has killed a woman of 63.

If you are hunting for a tenement, and care to go as far as Cleveland, John D. has one for rent, situated on Euclid avenue and East Fortieth street.

Abruzzi’s chauffeur has been arrested and fined for speeding, the duke being in the car at the time. The dispatch failed to state whether Miss Elkins’ car was ahead.

______

Refreshment Note

The Ivernia started out yesterday with 3000 barrels of apples for Liverpool. Just think of all tht cider going out of our country!

______

Trouble Ahead

Pigeon (looking up at the aeroplanes) – Gee, if the people here on the Common have got to feed those birds I don’t see where we’re coming in.

______

Ain’t This Awful?

“What’s the difference between a politician and a robber?”

“Not very much, but still I suppose there is some difference; what is it?”

“One tries to press the muzzle, and the other tries to muzzle the press.”

______

Tablets on the Wrong Side

Mary Rojesvsky, a Russian domestic employed by a wealthy Pittsburg family, is seriously ill from eating bath tablets. Mary, in dusting about the bathroom, came across the tablets, and they looked good to her. In far away Russia her lover had occasionally bought her candy on his Thursday night calls, and now he couldn’t bring her any more, but that was no reason, she told herself, why she shouldn’t indulge if candy came her way. She swallowed two of them, and lo! The family physician was sent for in a hurry. A stomach pump was brought into play, and the patient relieved somewhat, but Mary is still on the sick list. Mary is quite sure hereafter, if she gets well, that whenever she has occasion to use bath tablets they will be applied to the outside.

______

A Blighted Romance

(Contributed.)

Said Henry to his darling Elaine:

“Fly with me in my monoplane;

          If that way we elope,

          Why they never can hope

To o’ertake us by auto or train.”

Through his scheme her wise father had seen;

He said nothing, but was he not mean?

          When they stole out for flight,

          Indeed sad was their plight –

He had drawn off the ‘plane’s gasoline!

  Boston.                               H. E. F.

____________

Aug. 31, 10