5
PENCILLINGS.
_________
WHY A
GREAT POEM WAS REJECTED.
W’en I fus’ scribbled poetree,
I sent it tew the Century;
Not gittin’ there what wuz my due,
I sent it tew the bes’ Review.
They didn’ hev no jedgemunt there,
They wouldn’ jedge a feller fair,
So then I up an’ sez, “I swow,
I’ll favor Mr. Harper now.”
But Mr. Harper wuzzen’t in
I know, cuz it came back ag’in.
“Uv course,” sez I, “it’s comin’ down
Somewhat by sendin’ this aroun’
But Mr. Scribner’ll git it now
’Nen by hokey, ’ll be a row!
But Scribner some way sent it back;
Munsey, Godey, the hull blame pack!
New Englan’ too, an’ there I wuz
A subscriber! “Mus’ be becuz
There’s suthin’ wrong with it,” sez I,
“Or jedges wouldn’ pass it by.”
So then an’ there I sot right down,
An’ what do yeou suppose I foun’
Down nigh the en’
mos’ eout uv sight?
I hedn’ spelt “pertater” right!
JOE CONE.
_________
Young Chip – Say,
dad, there was a strike up town today.
Old Chip, a labor
man – What! Where was it?
Young Chip, edging
for the door – Up in the town clock.
_________
BURIAL OF THE
BASEBALL WARRIOR.
After the ball is
over,
After the prayer
said;
They take his glove
and mask and bat
And place beside
the dead.
_________
ON B. AND
L. R. R.
Passenger – This Winter Hill?
Conductor – No; next Winter Hill.
_________
Woudjoke, irritably
– I see plainly enough, you can’t take a joke!
Wontjoke – Oh, yes
I could if I had one to take.
_________
The real sweet
youth a blossom wears,
Full of upon his clothes;
And after he has
“rounded” up
He wears it on his nose.
_________
Take care of your
pennies and some one else will take care of your dollars for you.
_________
Goeasy – Why is it
that you always send your contributions to penny papers?
Poormanof Letters –
So I can afford to buy a printed copy of my work.
_________
What made the lamb
love Mary so?
Why, can’t you see, you fool?
Because one day was
all she made
Him go with her to school.
_________
Mrs. Shortstop – Jack said they had quite a spirited
game yesterday.
Mrs. Neverplay – I guess like enough; Charlie said
they had about two gallons on the grounds.
_________
On the sick list –
One ounce spirits nitra, one bottle pain killer, etc., etc.
_________
HARD AND COLD.
At critics had and
cold I laugh,
Nor short lived fame do I regret;
I write to please
the world today,
And for the hard cold cash I get.
_________
OL’ NUTMEG’S
SAYINGS.
Mos’ genly a farmer’s woodpile ain’t a sarcumstance to his
wood lot; yeou can’t jedge one by t’other.
Bring yeourself tew
love all children an’ yeou’ll fin yeour dispersition growin’ sweeter’n the
inside uv a lasses bar’l.
The only
sartisfaction lef’ for an ol’ man when he’s jeered at by boys is the knowledge
thet they’ll hafter listen tew the same things some day.
_________
There are many
Poet’s Corners, but never a corner on poetry.
_________
Feb.
4, 94.
#6.
PENCILLINGS.
_________
TRICKS IN
ALL TRADES.
We skated up the winding stream,
The lovely
Madge and I;
Red-cheeked, bright-eyed, with graceful stroke,
She quickly
whisked me by.
When but around the screening bend,
The dashing
skater said:
“I fear you’ll have to give me aid,
I tire so quickly, Ned.”
And so I gave her my support
Betwixt the
lonely hills;
And when we neared the town again
She threw
aside her ills!
JOE CONE.
_________
Poeticus
(breathlessly) – I have just dashed off these few lines and –
Editor – Well, er,
suppose you dash off yourself.
_________
Rubb – The longer I
am married the more convinced I become that women should be put on the fire
department.
Stubb – How is
that?
Rubb – Why, one woman
with a poker would equal a water tower.
_________
(Crossed out)
_________
He – Did you ever watch the tide come in?
She – And it nearly made me see
sick.
_________
Duster – Have you
seen “A Woman of no Importance?”
Bluster – Yes, live
with her every day.
_________
I met her coming
through the rye,
And said, “You jade, I’ve caught you
now;”
A modest farmer
then was I,
And she my young,
unruly cow.
_________
Yee Yung ironed out
Fee Fung one day last week when he struck him with a flat.
_________
Maybe that fellow
wasn’t mad who had lately moved into a flat on Apartment row, and who, after
going out to purchase a snow shovel, came back and cleared his neighbor’s
sidewalk.
_________
OL’ NUTMEG’S
SAYINGS.
It’s cur’us thet
people won’t l’arn which is the kickin’ en’ uv a caow an’ keep on the en’
oppersite.
_________
’Tain’t er’rybody
kin tell which en’ is which uv a mud tirkle when he’s all housed in.
_________
He wore a natty yachting
suit,
The gay New Yorker did;
But all the boat he
ever sailed
Was when a little kid.
_________
Maud – Have you
been to see “Charlie’s Aunt?”
Elsie – Yes, and
she wasn’t home
_________
A HARD ONE.
Say, pa, asked
Freddy, why is it that when you or Uncle George tell a story you always get
laughed at and when I tell one I get a Lickin’?
_________
The sword is weaker
than the pen,
The pen is mightier than the sword;
But sword or pen aren’t in it when
A woman’s tongue commands the horde.
_________
I thought I would
bring you in a handful of rhymes, said Longlocks, passing over a batch of
poems. The rhymes are perfect, said the editor, but you need to fill them in
with something.
_________
Outoftowner – See here,
Appletti, those apples I bought here last night were too hard.
Appletti – I know,
I know, but zey was up to ze times.
_________
A bad disease – Too
much ease.
_________
An old settler –
Saleratus.
_________
(Cut off here)
February
11, 1894
7
PENCILLINGS.
_________
THE
BIMEBY TIME.
When the bimeby time comes roun’ this way,
When the
bimeby time comes roun’;
There’ll be less work an’ lots more play,
There’ll be less hours an’ lots more pay,
An’ common men will hev more say,
When the bimeby
time comes roun’.
When the
bimeby time comes roun’,
Oh, I long to
hear the soun’,
So I’m
sittin’ an’ a-mopin’,
An’ a-gropin’
an’ a-hopin’,
Till the
bimeby time comes roun’.
When the bimeby time once gits in view,
When the
bimeby time gits roun’,
We’ll hev free trade an’ tariff too,
Hard times won’t trouble me nor you,
An’ Sunday’ll las’ the hull week through,
When bimeby
time comes roun’.
When the
bimeby time comes roun’,
Oh, I long to
hear the soun’,
So I’m sittin’
an’ a-mopin’,
An’ a-gropin’
an’ a-hopin’,
Till the
bimeby time comes roun’.
JOE CONE.
_________
Mrs. Wayback,
looking up from her paper – Deary me; how dreadful!
Mr. Wayback – What now,
Maria?
Mrs. Wayback – It says
here thet them plagu y strikers hev gone an’ hung the railroad manager in
effergy; I should think they might hev given the poor feller a decent hangin’!
_________
Editor, to office
boy – Hi! Skip down to the cooper’s shop and order two of their largest
barrels. Spring poetry has begun to sprout.
_________
(Crossed out)
_________
Eraser – Have you
the young author’s literary companion?
Young Inkstand –
Aw, no; possible that there is another new journal out? What it it like, pray?
Eraser – The one I
mean looks something like a cigar box well filled with postage stamps.
_________
You are a good boy,
Johnny. Yes’m, I s’pose so, but I couldn’t very well be a good girl.
_________
Judge – There is
overwhelming evidence here that you
deliberately stole a door mat and after- (cut off)
_________
ASSISTING THE DEEP
SEA
“I wonder what the
wild waves say?”
He asked, with smile resigned;
“I think,” said she,
with charming pout,
“They say they’d
like to wash the doubt
From that young fellow’s mind.”
_________
Mrs. Sweet – Ah,
yes; so this is your dear little boy. Which one of his parents does he take
after?
Bobby’s Papa – Neither
one, madam. His parents are continually taking after him.
_________
Mrs. Wayout, at her
sister’s in town – O, Jennie what is that thing that man is playing?
Jennie – That is a
hand organ, Liza.
Mrs. Wayout – Oh,
but doesn’t he play it beautifully! He must have practiced a good lot, Jennie.
_________
(Crossed out)
_________
Hacker – It’s a
strange but true fact nevertheless, that most women are averse to continued
stories.
Cracker – Well, no
wonder. You see they can’t get at the last chapter first. Some enterprising
publisher ought to begin and print one backwards.
_________
Time was she
thought to see me fly,
Along the ice was great;
But now she makes
the angels sigh,
When I get on a skate.
_________
Sime – Your father
was an old whaler, wasn’t he, Jimmie?
Jimmie – Yes; but
near as I can remember ma did her share of it.
_________
DIED GAME.
If wealth and fame
Doth spot one’s name
how snowy white
must be the one which I leave behind, rhymed the poet as he breathed his last.
_________
OL’ NUTMEG’S
SAYINGS.
Yeou can’t expec’ a
nest full uv aigs when yeou shell off the corn for the market an’ throw the
cobs out for the hen’s to browse on.
The siz uv a fish
which is described mos’ gen’ly depen’s on who ketches him.
Straws shows which
way the brooks runs, an’ a red flag shows which way the bull runs; also the
individyul he is arter.
_________
After the Fair is
over,
After we get back
home;
It’s scratch we
must to pay that “trust,”
For many months to
come.
_________
“All foolishness
puttin’ caow ketchers on them air Boston ’lectric keers,” said Uncle Seth on
his last visit. “’cuz I don’t b’lieve there’s been a caow loose in them street this
forty year.”
_________
February
18, 1894
#12
PENCILLINGS.
_________
TO KING HEADACHE.
O, Headache, King of torture! thou
Hast
conquered me again;
Thy flaming sword doth smite my brow
Tormenting
mind and brain.
My whirling head, now mammoth size,
Suspends in
middle air;
While lobsters. crabs and crocodiles
Go rooting in
my hair.
Ten million of the devil’s imps
Do revel on
my pate;
While Satan’s orchestra of cats
Upon my
senses grate.
The fumes of Hades rise in clouds,
Enveloping my
form;
While batteries now form in line
My weak
defense to storm.
See how the devils mock and laugh!
Hear
countless reptiles hiss!
See how they hurl my shattered frame
Down, down in
a wild abyss!
Ha! ha! thou demon incarnate!
But once I’ll
thee defy;
Tonight I’ll pass McNulty’s ranch
And keep my
whistle dry.
JOE CONE.
March 25, 1894
14
PENCILLINGS.
_________
WHAT KIND
OF DREAMS WE DREAM.
The world may find our actions out,
Know what we
do and say;
May put our good resolves to rout,
And rule us
day by day;
May bring a scowl upon our face,
Or cause the
same to beam;
But no one can tell O, blissful spell!
What kind of
dreams we dream.
To us the lands of dreams belong,
We enter,
pause and stay;
Our hearts burst forth in silent song,
We dream dull
care away.
The fates may weave their fatal webs,
The world may
plan and scheme;
But no one can tell, O, blissful spell!
What kind of
dreams we dream.
JOE CONE.
B. Courier. Apr. 8. 94.
26
PENCILLINGS.
_________
WHO HAS THE FLOOR.
I am an orator of note,
My speeches flash from pole to pole,
My arguments go down the throat
Of ev’ry spell-bound, list’ning soul.
A hush comes o’er the audience,
A breathless silence hovers o’er;
“Sh! Sh!” they say, “we must give way,
For Wit and Wisdom holds the floor.”
My wife, with admiration in
Her soft eyes near the front doth sit;
Proud is she of the harlequin
Who belches forth with power and wit.
Then homeward do we wend our way,
To talk our family matters o’er;
Where I in fear sit in the rear,
And she, the Speaker, holds the floor.
JOE CONE.
_________
PENCILLINGS.
_________
SEASONABLE RHYMES.
LOVE’S
YOUNG DREAM.
Now the youth and gentle maiden who are dreaming love’s young dream
Think that life is naught but sunshine, caramels and lemon cream.
RICH AND POOR.
Now the folks, who can afford it, rush for coolness to
the mountains,
While the toilers in the city see the same at soda
fountains.
THE PLUMBER’S RIVAL.
Now the druggist’s face is beaming, as the nickels to
him pass.
And he thinks there’s fun in selling froth at half a
dime a glass.
IT’S IN SEASON AGAIN.
Now the green cucumber cometh for a season brief to
stay,
And the doctors are preparing
medicines for cholera.
_________
IS MISTAKEN FOR A
BLUEBERRY.
Now that foe to
comfort, stinging, tantalizing fly,
Is mistaken for a
berry and is served up in the pie.
_________
A MYSTERY.
Now the boy who “wasn’t
swimming,” and who wishes none to doubt
That he’s truthful,
can’t imagine why his shirt is inside out.
_________
THE SCHOOL MA’AM.
Vacation’s come;
she leaves behind
Responsibility and care,
And to the mountain
hastes to find
Repose and health-restoring air.
With sturdy steps she
climbs the peaks
To view the scenes that round her lie,
Health’s roses
glowing in her cheeks,
And pleasure sparkling in her eye.
The cataracts
thunder in the glen
She hears; and, listening to the noise,
She fancies she’s
at home again,
In school, among the little boys.
_________
THE PATRIOT.
On the “Glorious
Fourth” to imbibing he gets,
With the most patriotic intentions;
On the fifth on the
stool of repentance he sits,
With a head of abnormal dimensions.
_________
COURIER HUB-SPOKES.
A windmill is a
good thing in the right place. Don’t all get mad at once.
Not many boys have
patriotism enough to wait until July Fourth before they begin to snap crackers.
A bunco steerer
makes a mighty poor pilot for some people.
Love too near the
seashore is apt to go out with the tide and never return.
Commencement day is
every day for those who finished their job the night before.
Mosquitoes, but not
fish are biting.
The country boy now
naturally dreads the “hay-day of youth.”
Some people get
taken into consideration and some into custody; we, of course, prefer the
former.
Don’t start to tell
a story, then have to stop and say, “Why, how was that?” Know the story well or
keep still.
When a skunk gets
into a steel trap he sometimes takes the trap off with him, but when a man gets
into jail, even tho’ he gets free, he has to leave the jail behind.
_________
GOOD DAY, BUT NOT
GOOD BYE
The summer girl is
on the wing.
Cries he in town, “alack!”
But never fear;
when autumn comes
She’ll be a-flying back.
_________
A
RUSTIC COUPLE
He was the village
blacksmith,
And she kept chickens, out of pens;
He spent his time
in shoeing horses,
And she in shooing hens.
_________
IN MEMORIAM.*
(Little Johnny died July 4th)
• • • • • • • July,
• • • • • • • did buy;
• • • • • • • to try.
• • • • • • • one eye.
• • • • • • • did die.
• • • • • • • come nigh.
• • • • • • • on high,
• • • • • • • and cry,
• • • • • • • good bye,
• • • • • • • July.
*Much words needless here.
_________
BREAK IT GENTLY.
Sadds – Jones is a
perfect man.
Rill – Go right over
and tell Mrs. Jones.
_________
MOOLIE COW, BULLIE
COW.
Little Bob (from
the city) – Is ’at a moolie cow, papa?
Papa – Yes, Bobbie –
Bobbie – And what
is ’at other one?
Papa – That’s a
bull, Bobbie.
Bobbie – Oh, one’s
a moolie cow, and one’s a bully cow, papa.
_________
MOOLIE COW, BULLIE
COW.
Little Bob (from
the city) – Is ’at a moolie cow, papa?
Papa – Yes, Bobbie –
Bobbie – And what
is ’at other one?
Papa – That’s a
bull, Bobbie.
Bobbie – Oh, one’s
a moolie cow, and one’s a bully cow, papa.
_________
Mrs. Backwards –
What is this “free silver,” anyway?
Mr. Backwoods – I
dunno – it’s beyend me.
Mrs. B. – If yeu
dunno anything about it, haow do yeu know it’s beyend yeu?
Mr. B. – ’Cuz ef it
wuzzent I’d hev some uv it.
_________
Dear Mr. Editor –
Will you please inform me what is love. – Anxious Subsciber.
“We used to know,
but have forgotten. – Editor.
_________
OR SOME OTHER
WOMAN.
Why is marriage a
failure? All on account of Eliza.
_________
Editor – Your story
is strained.
Author – Yes, sir;
and anything strained is considered to be of better quality.
_________
Father (angrily) –
You have been chopping bricks with my hatchet, I know you have!
Boy – I can’t tell
a lie, I didn’t touch it.
_________
A LITTLE TRUTH, PROSE
AND POETRY.
They say you can’t
learn
An old dog new tricks;
Nor some persons to
turn
Up their lamp wicks
Till they have
struck the match; then it gets short and burns their fingers, while they swear,
break the chimney, and blame their wives for the whole business.
_________
TOMMY’S FOURTH OF
JULY JOURNEY.
The canon cracker
did not go,
He crept to see;
And then it went
off suddenly,
And so did he.
_________
MORTON NOT TO BE
BLAMED.
Grundy – Young Morton,
the bank cashier, is missing.
Depositor – What!
Grundy – Yes, and
they say it is going to be a match, too.
_________
Chipp – What is a
living picture, father?
Block – A living
picture, my son, is one that ought to die, but doesn’t.
_________
Visitor – Why does
that man over there look so out of sorts?
Editor – Oh, that
is Laffley, getting our funny column ready.
_________
Nellie – I wonder
what makes mother talk to herself so much?
Dick – Oh, I s’pose
that is something pa taught her a long time ago.
_________
NOT SO FAST.
Quickly (who had
advertised for a typewriter) -Are you fast, miss?
Miss Remington –
Wha-at, sir? I’ll have you know that –
Old Quickly –
Excuse me, I meant rapid.
_________
Speaker – I had a wonderful
dream last night.
Mrs. Speaker – What
was it about?
Mr.
Speaker – Oh,
I had started on a long journey; was to be gone a long, long time. And where
was I, dear? You weren’t in it at all my dear. Ah! It was a happy dream.
_________
DIVVY UP.
He was an artist feller,
An’ he
strolled onto my farm;
With a lot uv paintin’ brushes,
An’ a book
beneath his arm.
Says he, “Mr. Hayseed, howdy,”
An’ he made a
stagy bow;
Says he, “May I hev the pleasure
Uv a paintin’
uv yewr caow?”
“She is lyin’ in the pastur’,
In a fine,
artistic pose,
An’ I thought I’d stop an’ ask ye
Ef ’twas safe tur set up close?”
Says I, “Go ahead an’ paint ’er,
She is
gentle, I’ll allow;
But – er – how much be yew a gittin’
Fur a
paintin’ uv a cow?”
“Fifty dollars,” says he, smilin’,
“Fifty
dollars isn’t much,
Fur a paintin’ 8x12, sir,
With my fine
artistic touch.”
Says I, “Young man, thet is cheatin’,
An’ the like
I never see;
Yeu don’t paint thet thar young heifer
’Thout yeu
divvy up ’ith me!”
JOE
CONE
_________
Our hundredth anniversary at
We deemed the
proper caper
Was to procure an office cat,
Like Gotham’s
leading paper.
The cat secured, the office imp
Was given
the task to tame it
And vigorous minds till they were limp
Were exercised
to name it.
’Twas hard to get a name to please
Though many
were selected:
The Trilby names were conned, but these
Were one by
one rejected.
When days had been in study passed
Till
intellects grew flabby,
A bright suggestion named at last
This fin de siècle tabby.
She was, someone who knew her claimed,
One of the
brightest daughters
Of a grimalkin widely famed
For wisdom –
Lithia Waters.
And so the bright suggestion came,
In
disposition merry,
That for the cat the proper name,
Of course
was “Londonderry.”
So she was named and thus equipped
She proves a
great attraction
And all obnoxious manuscript
Devours with satisfaction. July 7, 1895
_________
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