Jocosities - April 1909

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Compliments of the Season

I take my pen in hand today

To write a most attractive lay;

A verse to thrill all who shall read

This bright and beneficial screed.

So watch you out, both old and young,

And ponder well what here is sung.

Would you have happiness and health?

Would you have luxury and wealth?

Just follow this down line by line,

And you may strike a diamond mine.

Great secrets ‘twill unfold to you,

‘Twill bring a pot of gold to you.

Have patience, yet awhile,

For you shall broadly smile;

Shall know of joy and ease

From reading lines like these,

Shall know the things of life

Removed from toil and strife;

Shall feel the magic touch

Of wealth and fame and such.

Shall know the wondrous kinks

And secrets of the Sphynx.

So read on, all of you,

The great and small of you.

Good things come slow,

As you well know,

But come they will

Your soul to thrill,

And bring you bliss

You would not miss.

So here’s the thing

Of which I sing;

Please take it

Cool:

‘Tis April

Fool!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“It’s a good idee to be right on your job now’days ‘cuz ef you ain’t somebody else will be.”

______

Street Primer

Here comes the Absent Minded man.

He has come in from the Suburbs on a Special trip to buy Something at one of the Stores, but he has Forgotten what he wants to Buy so he is walking around till it comes to him.

He can’t even Remember what kind of a Store he wishes to find, but he is Positive he came in Town for something. Now he has turned down a side street. There is an Old Hat on the sidewalk. He remembers what Fun it was to Kick an Old Hat when he was a boy. An Old Hat needs to be Kicked. The Absent Minded man Kicks the Old Hat.

Wow! A Big Brick was under the Old Hat. The Absent Minded man sits on the doorstep to Count his Broken Toes. The toe of his shoe looks like a bent Tomato can. Now the Absent Minded man remembers that he came to town to buy a pair of New Shoes. He also Remembers what Day it is.

(P. S. Absent Mindedness is a sign of Genius, but Genius has to pay the Fiddler along with the other Dancers.)

______

   

______

Business or Sentiment

Beacon – Why does Jiggs think so much of his family tree?

Hill – Probably because lumber is so high.

____________

April 1, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Moving Man

It’s moving time, we’re all packed up

     And waiting for the van;

He said he’d be on deck at nine,

     The busy moving man.

We’re sitting on a wooden case,

     That holds the kitchen ware;

“He must be moving others first,”

     We argue in despair.

The food is packed, we know not where,

     The children want a bite;

I hang far out the window front,

     No moving man in sight.

I send my loved ones half a mile,

     To eat as best they can;

While I turn up my coat and wait

     The snail-like moving man.

Two, three and four o’clock arrives,

     I dare not go away

For fear the moving man will come,

     And chide me for delay.

Ah! Someone comes; ‘tis he at last,

     But where, oh, where the van?

“Can’t go today, my wagon’s bust,”

     Says he, the moving man!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“‘Tain’t so much in what you say ez it is in the way you say it, an’ ‘tain’t so much in the way you say it ez it is in the way the other feller takes it.”

______

“The First City”

Sit up and listen, one and all, both serious and witty, for Boston men have planned to make our village the “first city”. How proud you’ll be to strut around, all other towns to pity, and feel that you’re “first citizen” of Boston, the “first city”. However, do not feel alarm, don’t nervous grow and flitty, ‘twill be six years before they start to make it the “first city,” and then it may be 50 more before it’s really pretty, and you may be upon the shelf ere Boston’s the “first city”. But, neighbors old and neighbors young, the point in this brief ditty: Don’t sit you down, but help to make Boston the real “first city.”

______

Pavement Philosophy

Poems on snow have melted and run into spring lyres.

The small boys will keep off you grass if you will keep off their marbles.

Wise men give their wives money to go shopping and thus avoid disaster on their own accounts.

A Vandyke doesn’t necessarily denote force, although a great many of them look as though they’d been forced.

It comes out all right in the end. Those who can’t raise the price don’t care for opera, anyway.

You may feel justified in giving something a good blowing up, but it is better all round for you to do it by word of mouth rather than by deed of bomb.

If you are not living in the suburbs these days, the proud possessor of a hen that is laying record-breaking eggs, you don’t count for much in the morning papers.

______

A Little Stuffing

You’ve heard about the Purple Cow,

          It was a wool or silk one;

Although I’m fond of animals

          I shouldn’t want to milk one.

______

A True Sportsman

Minister – Don’t you know it’s very bad to fish on Sunday?

Jimmie – Yes’r, when they don’t bite none.

______

Practical Demonstration

Beacon – Fastlee, I understand, favors the open door policy.

Hill – I hear he has some difficulty finding the keyhole.

____________

April 2, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Ballad of “Why Not?”

(Foreign)

If you have a thing to sell,

And the public comfort swell,

                   Why don’t you sell it?

If you have got a song to sing,

Or you have a yarn to spring,

Why wait till Time has clipped your wing?

                   Why don’t you tell it?

(General)

If you can do a kindly act,

Have the leisure and the tact,

                   Why don’t you do it?

If you know a better way,

To shape your course from day to day,

Where honest feet would better stray,

                   Why not pursue it?

(Local)

If you’ve something ‘neath your hood

That argues for the public good,

                   Let us know it.

If you’ve something up your sleeve

Which you know’s not make-believe,

Why try forever to deceive?

                   Why don’t you show it?

______

The Morning Call

(With apologies to the late Eugene Field)

Out yonder in the suburbs wherein “Smith’s acre” lies,

When day peeps o’er the State House dome, the rooster gayly cries;

And Jones, next door, inquires no more what kinds of seeds to get,

But says to Smith: “Has your old “Red” hatched out her chickens yet?”

______

Hair-raising Times

Is it coincidence that while the United States government authorities are after the scalp of Crazy Snake, the bad Indian of Oklahoma, the Boston authorities are after the bushy tops of crafty ticket scalpers who infest the thickets surrounding the Boston Theatre reservation? There is no doubt but that both elements ought to be rounded up and court-martialed, and when they are it would be nothing out of the way for the peace-loving citizens of both states to get together and have a genuine old-fashioned war dance.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“It’s a mighty lot better to be not up to date than to be up to mischief.”

______

This Uncertainty is Awful

Will Mr. Harriman retire?

Won’t Mr. Harriman retire?

Will we have the charter?

Won’t we have the charter?

Will we continue to drink tea?

Won’t we continue to drink tea?

Will Jeff get into condition?

Won’t Jeff get into condition?

Has “Crazy Snake” been captured?

Why hasn’t “Crazy Snake” been captured?

(And no relief in sight)

______

No Wonder The Gods Weep

We can have burlesque Salomes,

     Here in town to beat the band;

Have the vulgarest Salomes,

     Doing stunts on every hand.

But the real, high art Salome

     We must sadly pass her by;

Art has got another “Plexus,”

     And we sit and wonder why.

______

Pitter-Patter

Do not forget to take along

          Each morning your umbreller,

For April is a weeping maid,

          Whose heart and eyes are meller.

____________

April 3, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

An Afterthought

How shy you were on All Fools’ Day

     You would not stoop nor bend;

You wouldn’t even turn around

     When asked to by a friend.

You tended to your business

     With thoroughness and care;

Of all affairs not wholly yours

     You surely did beware.

You kept your nose where it belonged,

     You e’en refused a treat;

You “rubbered” not at this or that

     When out upon the street.

You didn’t stoop to little things,

     You didn’t reach for tall;

You didn’t raise a single kick

     You “butted” not at all.

All Fools’ Day has a lesson taught,

     We should not end it here;

Why not apply the same good rule

     Each day through the year?

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“It’s a good idee to lay up treasures in heaven, but at the same time don’t furgit the rainy-day possibility on earth.”

______

Local Lines

The play’s – beg pardon – the opera’s the thing.

True, the wife wears the big hat, but the husband wears the responsibility.

If winter lingers in the lap of spring much longer, he ought to be arrested for holding down progress.

Everything is evened up; Tetrazzini gets a tremendously high note, and it takes another one to hear her get it.

Tremont street hasn’t a million frogs in its marshes, but the steam riveter is a good substitute.

A cheap trip to New York can be had by standing in front of Boston Theatre just before the opera.

When a clerk tries to work something just as good onto you, tell him you know a store that is just a little bit better.

______

Tarry at Home Anglers

“The salmon season’s opened,”

     So all the papers say;

“The salmon season’s opened,”

     The sports are on their way.

“The salmon season’s opened,”

     It strikes us something thus:

We don’t see any signs of

     An “opening” for us!

______

Cheerful Comments

Sugaring-off day is a very sweet occasion, but those who are engaged in it allow that paying-off day is fully as palatable.

Mr. Hammerstein remarks that our new opera house is too small. Some people are beginning to wonder if it will be of much use to us, after all. Censors, you know.

One of the seven days’ wonders is that some strenuous reporter didn’t wire a story to the effect that our ex-President climbed the highest mast of the Hamburg and fell off.

Some people are so enthusiastic as to believe that the best remedy for a bad throat is a medicine made from baseball root.

______

Gone, but Not Forgotten

From sackcloth and from ashes soon,

     From forty days well spent,

We shall emerge, and say with joy

     And pride: “Good-bye, dear Lent.”

And to the loan we parted with,

     Some time before the fire,

We’ll say the same: “Good bye, dear lent,”

     But with repentance dire.

______

The Hunters

Each day you’ll see them out in force,

     And always “there’s a reason”;

They are not armed, they do not try

     To bag game out of season.

But still they hunt and hunt and hunt,

     Until their tear-drops blind them;

They’re hunting suites and tenements,

     And seldom ever find them.

______

What’s the Answer?

Beacon – New York has much that Boston hasn’t.

Hill – That isn’t New York’s fault.

______

How About It, Henry?

Gertrude – Why do you keep Henry in suspense?

Ermyntrude – That’s the only true happiness.

______

Plenty of Help

Beacon – Young Rushlee seems bent on getting a liberal education.

Hill – Yes; I hear he spends one-half his time in study and the other half in getting rid of his income.

______

Want to Know

How doth the little busy bee

       Beneath the bee-hive hat,

Dodge being hid by such a lid,

       Please can you tell me that?

____________

April 4, ‘09

  

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Success

Success is like a wary fish

     Down in the waters deep;

He waves his fins an’ blinks his eye,

     An’ ‘pears to be asleep.

You drop your hook, all baited nice,

     Down where you see him lay;

An' if you tech him on the nose,

     He’s apt to back away.

Ol’ fish “Success” is purty sly,

     Won’t gobble of your bait

At fust, but you light up your pipe

     An’ settle down an’ wait.

You stick right there, a-holt the line,

     Till he gits weak an’ thin;

Bimeby he’ll swaller hook an’ all,

     An’ you can pull him in.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“The longest way round may be the surest way home, but there’s allus thet eternal femernine question: ‘Where hev you been?’”

______

At the Barber’s

A little soap,

     A little rub;

A little scrape,

     A little scrub.

A little grease,

     A little scald;

A little “life”

     If head is bald.

A little scent,

     A little chalk;

A little brush,

     A lot of talk.

______

Pavement Philosophy

It’s harder to admit that you are licked than ‘tis to realize it.

Lobsters are high. – Exchange. Usually not so high as they think they are.

The Optimist Club is a big one, but not the big one you are thinking of.

If the coat fits, wear it; but make sure first it doesn’t belong to somebody else.

Post cards are still going to be one of the big summer attractions.

Laugh and the world laughs with you, providing you are not laughing at the world.

Speaking of cabriolets and open-work, you might say: “How much on the head – how little on the feet!”

Why this nervousness about umbrellas? A fair exchange is no robbery, and no man can consistently carry more than one.

______

Wayward Willie

Baby whimpered for a drink;

Willie filled her up with ink.

Mama, laughing at the lad,

Fed the babe with blotting pad.

                – Cleveland Plain Dealer.

Papa, quick as quick could be,

Took the filler, which you see

Used to fill a fountain pen,

And pumped the baby out again.

____________

April 5, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Mornings On The Crick

Seems to me I’ve never seen

‘Arly mornin’s as serene,

Full of feelin’ an’ repose

When the soul jest overflows,

Heart at rest an’ pulses quick,

As these mornin’s on the Crick.

Seems as if the world had jest

Woke up from a peaceful rest,

With smile upon its face,

Lovin’ all the human race;

Sayin’ “Welcome, son of mine,

All these quiet joys are thine.”

Seems as if I can’t go round

With my feet upon the ground;

Feel so plaguey good that I

Seem betwixt the earth an’ sky,

Up in Natur’s choicest ways

Walkin’ to the tune she plays.

Stan’ there with a broadened grin

Jest a drinkin’ of it in,

When I hear a voice intrude –

“Cyrus, fetch me in that wood!”

Comin’ as it does, so quick,

Sp’iles my mornin’ on the Crick.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Don’t ride a free hoss to death, nur don’t give an autymobile a chance to do the same to you.”

______

Cheerful Comments

Just a passing incident – money.

It looks at this moment as though Dr. Eliot would decide it himself.

A ten by ten garden patch gives the suburbanite just as much to talk about as half an acre.

About every fellow knows from instinct that he’s the right man in the right place, but the instinct seldom reaches his employer.

The women haven’t caught up with the men in suffrage rights, but they have outdistanced them completely in putting on the lid.

If the taxing of stockings would only drive the dear things to knitting them as grandma did, what a lot of charming fireside pictures would be seen again!

______

Willie Speaks

Father’s takin’ down the stove

     Swearin’ like to bust;

Mothers chasin’ him around

     With a pan for dust.

Maggie’s got the winders out,

     Cold as anything;

Sister’s dustin’ all the chairs –

     Gee – don’t mention spring!

______

Nautical Learning

Little Mermaid – I have read of the origin of the papa shad, but can’t find how the mama shad was created.

Mama Mermaid – She was fashioned from a rib of the papa shad.

Little Mermaid – Gee whiz! I’ll bet he never missed it.

______

In Kalamazoo

There’s always something doing

Way out in Kalamazoo;

There’s always trouble brewing

     Way out in Kalamazoo.

Each day the papers mention,

With some degree of tension,

A murder or convention

     Way out in Kalamazoo.

For fame they’re always bidding

     Way out in Kalamazoo;

Or else the scribes are kidding,

     Way out in Kalamazoo.

We couldn’t, I’ve a notion,

We Pilgrims near the ocean,

Stand any such commotion,

     As they in Kalamazoo.

______

Stop, Look and Listen

The automobile is getting on its high horse again. One ran amuck Sunday and seriously injured three, while another ran down a boy and then ran away. Of course, this is the season of the year when the auto feels its oats. Later on it will have a hang-dog look, and its spirit will have been broken. Now is the time, however, to look out for it and for it to look out. If race suicide prevails, in years to come the auto won’t have to look out for careless little ones at play, but just now it would better be on its job.

The boys and girls have a right to cross the highways, although reckless chauffeurs are trying to teach them otherwise. Out West they used to hang men who got too free and easy with horseflesh. With automobiles butting us front and back, and airships falling on us from above, we will by and by have to be either a nation of shut-ins or artful-dodgers.

______

Not Looking for Wealth

Beacon – Did you ever find a pearl in your stew?

Hill – No; I was always satisfied with finding an oyster.

______

A Feminine Question

Why women are so scared of mice,

          To a point of consternation,

Yet handle rats so freely is

          Beyond imagination.

____________

April 6, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

His Favorite Season

“When the frost is on the pumpkin

          An’ the fodder’s in the shock”

Is a pleasant theme for poets,

Both the real an’ the mock;

But the punkin season’s over,

An’ the frost is wholly gone,

An’ the robin’s on the gate-post   

An’ the bluebird’s on the lawn.

People have their fav’rite seasons,

I’ve got mine like all the rest,  

An’ it ain’t the time of punkins,  

though its pies are fur the best;

What hits me the best fur weather  

Is a meller springtime morn,

When the robin’s on the gate-post

An’ the bluebird’s on the lawn.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“The room fur improvement hez most allus got a ‘To Let’ sign hung up in the winder.”

______

Getting on in Life

(Hand-made Letters from a City-made Son to his Home-made Father.)

Yours of recent date landed. The check was good for weak eyes, although I must admit it was half eaten up before it got here. This town has got a financial appetite that is startling. I wish somebody would write a book on how to live here cheaply and well. It would be one of the two best sellers all right. You can’t turn around here but it costs you a dollar, and if you step back it’s two,

You ask me what I do with my wages? Say, Dad, you can’t spend what you don’t earn, now can you? Wages? Gee, I wish I earned as much as wages! I put the increase proposition up to the boss today, and he said: “What’s the matter, Willie, don’t you think well of your position?” There was no argument emanating from me. You know you always told me, Dad, that “A job in your hand is worth two in your mind.”

That little theatre party materialized all right. It cost me two plunks, but was worth it. An actress shed a few articles of clothing while roosting on a trapeze, and threw some of the minor effects into the audience. You saw that football game last fall. Say, Dad, that was a funeral procession compared with the scramble on the lower floor of the theatre. And all for a bit of red and a bit of blue. But it showed who was for Harvard and who was for Yale. All I got out of it was some black and blue. I don’t know what college that combination represents.

I don’t go to the theatre very often, but one needs a little recreation after a snug day’s work. Of course, up there, Dad, you have other kinds of recreation; you don’t require the theatre, etc. After supper (it’s dinner here, you know, a difference in the time) you can go out and see if the stock is all right; go down to the post office for the mail, then come back and split kindlings by lantern light if you want to. It’s different here. About all the amusement comes from the theatre. Of course, some of them are more amusing than others, but there don’t appear to be too many for the demand.

I’m glad you’ve come into that few thousand from your western relative. It puts you on easy street, and me in the next alley. All I have to say is it would have been a whole lot better for this end if said relative had decided to shake the coil before I left college. I would have been more popular there, even with myself. Your affectionate son,

……

______

Something Doing Every Day

When a murd’rer’s executed,

     Or a cashier’s skipped the town,

Next day there’s more to follow –,

     Lord! We’ll never settle down.

When the opera season’s over,

     When the shows have left the town,

Then the baseball rooting opens –

     Lord! We’ll never settle down.

____________

April 7, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Ladies’ Car

They have a car for ladies in Gotham, so they say,

No gentlemen admitted – no escorts, by the way;

How awfully convenient, when going to a show,

To find your charming partner at the terminal, you know.

How strange ‘twill be for ladies who enter, smiling sweet,

To hear no grand Apollo saying, “Madam, take my seat.”

And as for conversation! You know as well as I,

That when they talk together conversation’s always dry.

And then the monstrous headgear for that little “special car!”

It won’t hold a half a dozen on a side, and there you are.

The ladies do not like it, the men are cut up, too;

It cannot be successful from any point of view.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Ef the game ain’t wuth the candle yew’d better not waste yewr powder an’ had better save yewr light.”

______

The Query Box

Dear Jocosity: If I plant sweet peas on my lawn now, will they come up? – Miss L., Ferris Circle. They ought to, if you keep hens. But, look here, if you haven’t planted them they are up already. You didn’t catch us asleep that time, did you? Newspaper columnists have to look sharp, as all sorts of tricks are being tried on them by leisureists. If you ask the question in all seriousness it might be stated that they will probably come up all right unless your lawn happens to be one of the bricked-over variety. You see, there are so many kinds of lawns in and around the city, some flagged, some cemented, some bricked and occasionally one grassed, that one has to be careful in answering a question so broad in its scope as yours. You will do well to get them under ground as soon as possible, lest they turn sour. Later: No, they won’t come up. You almost caught us. You have to plant the seed.

______

Macaroni Speaks

(With apologies to T.A.D.)

Da newspaper News he maka me seek,

He foola poor Dago weeth ‘Merican treek;

I reada today: “Beeg Murder”, “Beeg War.”

Tomorrow newspaper deny him – w’at for?

I reada some Dago try keela Rooseval’;

Next day he say: “No,” but all sama he sal

Me hees paper, an’ foola me queek –

Da newspaper news he maka me seek!

______

Government Kind

Beacon – Are your seeds all in?

Hill – Guess so; haven’t seen any of ‘em coming out.

______

There’s a Difference

Hank Stubbs – What was you doin’ down the brook this monin’, ketchin’ fish?

Bige Miller – Nope; fishin’.

______

Others Will Be

When Crazy Snake is captured,

          And they fix the tariff bill,

There’ll be other freaks, I reckon,

          That the pages front will fill.

                             – Detroit Free Press

But Crazy Snake ain’t captured,

          Don’t know he’s goin’ to be;

There’s other freaks, we reckon,

          Far crazier than he.

____________

April 8, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Invalid

He uster come to Jones’s store

     An’ set there all day long;

He couldn’t work out by the day,

     Becuz he wasn’t strong.

He couldn’t help his wife to home,

     He was so very weak;

Sometimes he had to whispered ‘cuz,

     It hurt him so to speak.

He’d beg his chew, he was so weak

     He couldn’t cut his own;

An’ managed ev’ry now an’ then

     To strike a little loan.

One night Bill’s burglar signal rung

     A dozen times or more,

An’ Bill he hurried on his duds

     An’ run down to the store.

The “invalid” was comin’ out

     Four hams in either hand;

A barrel mounted on his back,

     An’ goods to beat the band.

Two hundred pounds if he’d a pound –

In wonder Bill stood still;

“You’d better let me help you, ‘cuz

     You’ll strain yourself,” says Bill.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“It may not be good fur man to be alone, but when he gits turgether is when he’s more apt to git into mischief.”

______

No Tax on Tea, and Coffee Free

People who have been going round with long faces, fearing they would have to drink near-tea or near-coffee, or “something just as good,” are all smiles and sunshine again. Imagine a breakfast without the real, rich brown taste in one’s mouth! Imagine being a tea-totaller because of a tax on the leaf. Water is all right, but it isn’t everything. Without the cup of coffee the morning roll and the doughnut would have to go out of business. Without the social cup of tea the afternoon affair would be pretty milk and watery. No; let them tax hosiery and should gloves if they want to; good substitutes can be provided to cover the void; but let them keep their hands off the cup that cheers but does nothing foolish.

______

Song of the Open Car

I come a month ahead of time,

     Because the people call me;

I’m bound to shine the first warm day,

     No matter what befall me.

Although I bring disease and death,

     They can no longer stall me;

I come a month ahead of time,

     Because the people call me.

Of course I shiver and I flinch

     When wind and gravel maul me,

But I must either do or die,

     Because the people call me.

______

Cheerful Comments

The wind had a high old time with pedestrians in “Rubber alley” yesterday.

Wednesday was an open day all round – doors, windows, trolley and – work.

New name for latest style in woman’s headgear: Seenaught. – Detroit Free Press. Dreadnaught, brother.

Hope you ordered your hot crossbuns in plenty of time; remember how hot and cross you were last year because they couldn’t supply you?

Bad Indian chief’s name might be changed to “Level-headed Snake” and not be far from appropriate.

“What is prohibition?” shouts the Louisville Evening Post, and out snake editor rises to remark that “there ain’t no sech thing.”

Now is the time for the tin peddler to come along, and if hubby doesn’t watch out he’ll find his old clothes and rubbers replaced with new kitchen ware.

______

Smiles And Tears

What if April cries a bit,

Dampens you by doing it?

     She’s a dainty, winsome prize;

April’s tears are pure and clear,

And the Sun will soon appear

         And dry out her pretty eyes.

______

Removing Wrinkles

“When clothing becomes wrinkled from packing, or from other cause, the wrinkles may be removed by hanging the garments over night in a heated room. Spread the clothing over a clotheshorse as smoothly as possible.” The above was discovered while browsing in the woman’s department, and now the horse editor rises to ask if the same treatment would remove wrinkles from a man’s face which is on the off side of fifty?

______

Joy Enough

“I’m the happiest man in town!”

“indeed?”

“To think that ever since my wife got that new $500 gown it isn’t a man’s duty to sew on buttons.”

______

About the Size of It

Beacon – He’s a jack-of-all-trades.

Hill – A general failure, you mean.

____________

April 9, ‘09

  

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Blasted Hopes

For twenty years I’ve labored hard

     And stuck to my position;

I’ve labored long to realize

     My one life’s great ambition.

Which was to get a bit of wealth –

     I’ve e’en denied me pleasure,

And then to buy a tall, silk hat,

     And wear it in my leisure.

But I am disappointed quite,

     My hope but rose to shatter;

And all because of prophesies

     Of Gèldt, the Paris hatter.

I have the wealth, but what of that?

     I can be happy never;

Gèldt says the silk hat very soon

     Will disappear forever!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“A stitch in time saves none, but ef it o’ny saves two it’s wuth takin’.”

______

Owner Wanted

Word comes from Washington, Pa., that in a church collection after service last Sunday a $1000 bill was found. As the yearly offerings do not average much more than that, the church officers are mystified and are trying to locate the donor, thinking a mistake has been made.

This coming so close to April 1^st, the church officers should look with suspicion upon the bill until taken before an expert on billology and “certified.” One thousand dollar bills are scarce in country towns, and stage money of that denomination might fool the unwary and inexperienced. It is hoped the church officials have looked on both sides of the bill and on all sides of the question.

If, one the other hand, the bill is all right and the seemingly rash act was intentional, a word of caution might not be out of place. Church officials are not immune from shocks, especially along financial lines, and to make this performance a regular feature in country churches, while commendable, might prove disastrous in some cases. The good men should be tipped off in advance.

______

But He’s Scarce

It is easy enough to be pleasant

     When life goes along like a book,

But the man who is rare

Is the one who won’t swear

     When a trout wriggles off from his hook.

It is easy enough to be pleasant

     When your creel is both heavy and bright;

But the fellow worth while

Is the one who can smile

     After fishing all day and no bite.

______

Pavement Philosophy

An up-hill job is best; a down-hill job might get away from you.

Sidestep danger, that which comes from within as well as from without.

If you are everybody’s friend, don’t forget to include yourself in the favors.

It may need pull to get a good position nowadays, but it needs push to hold it.

If you stand too long in one spot you get tired, and make other people ditto.

The more dull you appear the more appreciation you get from a really clever woman.

If you tell your troubles to some policeman you but add to his as well as your own.

If you tell all you know the first day how do you expect to wiggle through the other 364?

It is superfluous to say a man’s alive and kicking. If he’s alive the rest naturally follows.

A smile sometimes helps things along, but don’t let it get the better of you and develop into a perpetual grin.

______

Bossie Speaks

I wouldn’t want to be a city cow

And have to nibble paving stones, I trow,

And never wade or drink in brooklets fair,

But use the hydrants in the city square.

Were I obliged to yield to such a mess

I’d give condensed milk in the can, I guess.

______

Only a Slight Difference

“Pa, who were the cliff-dwellers?”

“People who were just ahead of the flat-dwellers.”

______

What’s the Reason

Beacon – What is our scarcest commodity?

Hill – Ambassadorship timber.

______

The Query Box

Why do a bride and groom on their honeymoon attract so much attention?

They don’t. The bride gets 100 percent of it.

______

Bully for Her

The New York girl who’s up-to-date

          Will have this phrase affixed:

“No ‘ladies only’ car for me,

          I’d rather have one ‘mixed.’”

______

In the Air

Rhubarb, strawberries,

          Bluebird’s call;

Open-cars, Mayflowers,

          Then baseball!

____________

April 10, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Easter Lay

It’s quite in order of the day

To fashion one choice Easter lay;

And so I take my pen in hand

And try the muses to command.

Alas! Alack! It seems today

I cannot coax the Easter lay;

And so I lay aside the pen

And leave it with the Easter hen.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“It’s all right to jump from the fryin’ pan into the fire pervidin’ you are dead sure you kin put out the fire.”

______

Cheerful Comments

Certainly, your new gown is too sweet for anything.

What is the matter with the press agent of the Delaware peach crop?

About this time the plumber lets go and the iceman gets in his work.

You wouldn’t realize you were using a fountain pen if it didn’t “rear up” occasionally.

When you are in Rome do as the Romans do, unless they have a too long spell of idleness.

It is hoped Crazy Snake will consent to be captured in time to be brought round by Buffalo Bill.

______

Street Primer

The Hand Organ Man is approaching.

He has a few Notes on Spring under his arm. One of the many reasons why Spring is so Late is because the Hand Organ Man didn’t get here Sooner. One always follows the Other, or the other follows the One.

Yes, Little One, you may have a nickel. You will pay High for your Music. No, it is not Hard to learn to Play the Hand Organ, but it is Hard to be obliged to Listen to it. The study of the Hand Organ is not an art, it is more of a Grind.

You always know what the Hand Organ Man is going to Play before he Cranks his Machine. He generally has Four tunes, three Old ones, and a New one. You may hear the Merry Widow if you pay strict Attention.

Yes, Little One, he has his Right Bower with him. Without the Monk the H. O. Man couldn’t turn out a living. The Monk is what the night is to the Earth – it makes the Day-go.

(P.S. – The Hand Organ is not the Sweetest Story ever told, but as a Forerunner of things worse yet to Come, it is a Howling Success.)

______

Lid Annual

Look up and down the streets today,

     Wherever you may be,

And there is one old fashioned sight

     That you will fail to see.

At church or in the public park,

     Or e’en down by the shore,

You will not see a mortal wear

     The hat his father wore.

______

A 1915 Man

He hopes when Boston really is

     The “finest city” in the land,

The streets will be much wider than

     The ones she’s now at her command.

And here’s the reason, hoping ‘twon’t

     Your finer Boston feelings jar:

He wants wide trolleys so that he

     Can sit cross-legged in the car.

______

Local Lines

Easter, like the egg, shouldn’t be overdone.

After the opera, what? Quiet and stringency.

Tipping a crime in the state of Washington? In some places it is heroism.

The 5 and 10 cent stores will never be complete until the 5 and 10 cent lunch is attached.

Twenty restaurant owners in Chicago have dispensed with their orchestras. Now will they dispense larger orders?

______

The Season Schedule

The office boy should take his slate,

And not depend upon his pate,

     (No disrespect is here intended)

And figure out upon the spot

How many grandmammas he’s got

To help put in the fam’ly lot

     Before the baseball season’s ended.

____________

April 11, ‘09

  

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

You, First

It doesn’t cost a penny,

No matter who you be,

To wish a man “good mornin’,”

An’ thereby let him see

You know that he is livin’,

An’ know he’s human, too;

It’s better for the fellow,

An’ better, too, for you.

It doesn’t cost a penny

To always be polite,

An’ if the world would heed it,

There’d never be a fight.

Just think how very happy

Our lives would be an’ true,

If ev’ryone would whisper:

“Alphonso, after you.”

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“The best way to hurry spring along is to furgit it.”

______

A Life Story

Case.

Caste.

Castro.

Cast-off.

Castaway.

Castigate.

Castigation.

______

Getting on in Life

(Hand-made Letters from a City-made Son to His Home-made Father.) There hasn’t much of anything happened since I wrote you last; the streets are running the same old way, and everybody appears to be too busy to try to head them off. I had a “misunderstanding” with one of the fellows in the shipping room a few days ago. I forget how the argument started, but have a good recollection of how it ended: I lost half of a good suit and he lost his job. He began it, I continued it and the firm finished it. They don’t make the clothes good, however, and if you don’t take more than a passing interest in the matter, why, of course, it’s up to me next pay day. I tried to follow your advice of “thinking twice before I returned the salute,” but my Bunker Hill ancestral blood got the better of me and when I saw the whites of his eyes I pressed the trigger. I know you would have applauded, Dad, if you had been here, so don’t squint up your eyebrows.

Last week, and the week before, were “opera weeks.” Vocalism in the upper register comes high, but we must have it. I went because somebody else went, and somebody else went because it was here. But say, Dad, honest Injun, I’d rather hear that fellow we heard last fall in “Way Down East” sing “All Bound Round with a Woolen String.” I guess that’s about as near grand opera as I’ll ever get; don’t know whether I’m a loser of a gainer, but I’m satisfied, consequently happy.

Give the people what they want, Dad, and there’s no kick coming from either direction. We try to go with the band here, and first it finds out what we want it to play, and there you are. You ask if I’ve been out to Aunt Susan’s lately. I haven’t. It takes two hours to go and come, and 10 cents each way. I would have to stay all of two hours at the least, and I’ve heard you say “Time is money” many a time. Money and I are almost perfect strangers, and besides, Aunt Susan asks a lot of questions about things which I think a quiet old lady shouldn’t know.

Trusting you are in good health, with an optimistic feeling toward my financial stringency, and reminding you that “clothes make the man,” and that mine are all in, I am,

                                                              ________

______

A Poet’s Envy

I like the April skies because

     Behind her eyelids weeping,

Her eyes of blue, or darker hue,

     A smile is ever creeping.

And, seated in my window pane,

     I envy April’s flowers

Because full oft, with pressure soft,

     They’re kissed by April’s showers.

______

A Barber-ous Practice

Beacon – Do you think barbers actually feel their work?

Hill – Well, some, perhaps; but not so much as their customers do.

______

A Hard One

Bli – Miss Oldage is a puzzle, don’t you think?

Fli – About three puzzles, I think.

Bli – How’s that?

Fli – Three times “Fifteen.”

______

Football Shrinkage

He was a sturdy “quarter” back

     Upon a picked eleven;

But when they pulled him from the pack

They didn’t get a “sixteenth” back

     To bundle off to Heaven.

______

Springtime Idylls

Eftsoon with fishing rod and line and can of squirming bait, the younker to the creek will hie and sit him down and wait. And when the wily sucker fish with skill he doth ensnare, a more exultant soul than he will not be anywhere. – Punxsutawney Spirit.

Gadzooks! that hath a lively tilt, and eke a happy swing. The dullest witted lout on earth should know that it is spring when Punxsutawneyites wax glad and chirp ecstatic lays! Odds fish, it’s good to be alive these rare, sweet April days! – Washington Herald.

Parbleu! it hath a fetching ring; odds bobs a catching, too! The idlest oaf might learn to sing this tuneful tra-la-loo. Let others woo the poet wights wherever they may choose. She is the chief of our delights – the Punxsutawney muse! – Plain Dealer.

Ye gods! Why will ye sing and sing of spring and fishing brooks, just when a fellow ought to be deep buried in his books? Be off, thou Punxsutawney muse, and tempt us nevermore; dost want to drive us after “bait” down to the Spirit store?

______

Hard Luck

He found a spear of lettuce, but

          It took a deal of labor;

Then lost it when he ran to show

          It to his nearest neighbor.

______

Knew from Experience

Beacon – Your wife’s new gown is certainly a stunner.

Hill – I know it; I was stunned when I got the bill.

______

The Lawless Chauffeur

He who runs down,

     And then runs away,

Should be run in

     Where he’ll have to stay.

____________

April 12, ‘09

  

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Sweetest Sound

The bluebird’s call is pleasant

     This op’ning time of year;

Also the robin’s carol

     Whene’er it strikes the ear.

And welcome, though it’ plaintive,

     The marshland froggies’ call;

But one will soon be coming

     That beats them one and all.

‘Tis not from bush or bramble,

‘Tis not from fence or lawn;

‘Tis not from thrush or robin

     At breaking of the dawn.

‘Tis from the throat of mortal,

     Two words and that is all;

But O, it thrills the list’ner,

     ‘Tis simply this: “PLAY BALL!”

______

Uncle Ezra Says

“The straight an’ narrer way may be harder to foller, but you ain’t nigh so apt to wander round an’ git lost in the mire.”

______

Set In Her Way

Sweet Mary Jane sat 14 days and wouldn’t deign to rise,

Although her folks tried every way to make her realize

That it was quite unladylike to sit all day and night,

And never change her attitude or rouse her appetite.

The coaxed and teased and threatened her and still she would not stand,

And when they tried to raise her up she bit them on the hand.

They did not want to do her harm or call in the police,

And yet they sorrowed at the thought of Mary Jane’s decease.

But Mary Jane knew what was best, she wiser was than men,

She sat until she’d had her set, for Mary was a hen.

______

Cheerful Comments

Now please don’t dance and theatre yourself to death.

Really, the man without a country must be all at sea.

Don’t take ‘em off too soon or you may follow them.

The lawn mower is a mighty good thing to argue with.

And now the next question is, will it hurt the parasol trade?

It’s too bad airships come so high; even Col. Higginson says he can’t afford one.

The Bronx Zoo toad lived to be 1000 years old, but who wants to be a toad?

Whale’s milk may be good for man, but then, there are many things good for him that he can’t get.

______

Size and Price

Father’s got a limousine,

       Mother’s got a hat;

Don’t know which one cost the most,

       Guess it’s tit for tat.

______

One on the Rooster

“Are you sitting or setting?” queried the rooster, poking his head into the end of the barrel.

“Neither,” clucked the old hen.

“How do you make that out?”

“I’m hatching.”

______

Unpardonable

Beacon – Gotrock and his chauffeur have parted.

Hill – Yes; the old man was so stupid as to hint that he owned the car.

____________

April 13, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Gabe Perkins’s Hoss Trade

“I hear you’ve traded hosses, Gabe;

     Got stuck, too, so they say,”

Said old Bill Jones, the grocer man,

     To Gabe the other day.

“I traded hosses, yes,” said Gabe,

     In his slow, drawlin’ way;

“But as for me a-gittin’ stuck,

     Hain’t no one heerd me say.”

“I traded nags with Cyrus Bean,

     You got that straight enough;

But as for Cyrus stickin’ me,

     I tell you, it’s a bluff.

Warn’t neither hoss what you could call

     Jist perfect, you can bet,

But that there hoss I swapped on him

     Warn’t worth the grass he et!”

“One you’ve got now ain’t overmuch

     To brag about,” said Bill;

“Heerd some one say you had to stop

     An’ push him down the hill.”

“May be,” said Gabe, “but if he’s wuss

     Than what I swapped away

I’m gosh derned proud to own him, Bill,

     That’s all I’ve got to say.”

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“The feller who puts so much time in tryin’ to git somethin’ for nothin’ usually finds that that’s about all he gits for his time.”

______

Local Lines

One way to make Boston better is to begin at home.

Frog lake on the Common is attracting many visitors who love the sea.

If some of this wind could only be bottled up for July and August use.

Boston to have two new playhouses? All play and no work will make Jack a poor boy.

“Beverly-by-the-sea” and “Beverly-by-the-depot” jokes resurrected to suit.

The Public Garden fleet began its cruise on Monday. And yet, “fleet” is hardly the word.

“Week days all shines 5 cents; 10 cents Holidays and Sundays,” so reads the sign. Holidays and Sundays are when they ought to be cheapest; a fellow is nearer broke then.

______

From Gooseland

A certain humorist wants to know if quack medicines have anything to do with ducks or geese, and we hasten to reply that many of the latter take them in large quantities.

______

Street Car History

“I know of one woman who should be denied the right of suffrage,” said the strap hanger, with a sickly smile, this morning.

“How id that?” queried the little man, who knew the question was superfluous.

“Shortly after I was seated a woman entered the car and I gave her my seat. She accepted with the grace of an old-timer. A few streets farther on a man who was sitting beside her got off, and then what did the woman do? Did she give me a ghost of a show? Ask me! She simply spread herself all over the space that had been occupied by two and gazed contentedly into the future all the rest of the way in.”

______

A Pessimist He

“Don’t court trouble.”

“No; court a girl and the rest will take care of itself.”

______

Yes, But –

Beacon – What is your idea of temperance?

Hill – Let it alone.

______

Whichever Way You Look at It

Hank Stubbs – They say Ras’ Pike’s too poor to git out of town.

Bige Miller – He’s certainly too poor to stay in.

____________

April 14, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Song of the Reel

I break the woodland’s morning hush with clear and silvery tones,

I laugh in glee to see my fish go leaping over stones,

Now backward, forward in the fight – will man or fish be king?

And all the while I spin and smile, and smile and spin and sing.

                     I am just a bit of steel,

                     Just a simple, laughing reel,

Yet my music is the music which the angler loves to hear;

                     And I sing and sing away

                     While my victim is at play,

And I’m happy if my music pleases well my master’s ear.

And in the gloomy winter nights, when snow is on the ground,

And every stream is frozen o’er for miles and miles around,

My master kindly takes me out, fond memories to bring,

And turns me round and round and round, the while I gayly sing.

                     For I’m just a bit of steel,

                     Just a simple, singing reel,

But my song is hailed by thousands as a song of peace and rest;

                     And I hope to ever sing,

                     Both for pauper and for king,

By the fireside or river, where it suits my master best.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Sometimes a man will laff at a cat fur chasin’ its tail, which is there, then go out an’ chase a rainbow himself which ain’t there.”

______

Cheerful Comments

Napoleon did something to earn his fame.

Tomorrow never comes; neither does yesterday.

If the bills are as big as the creations, won’t it make a scarcity of paper?

The peach crop may get a blight, but the baskets will fruit up all right.

Finding either the north or south poles seems a cinch compared with the average waist line.

It’s a question sometimes whether an alleged suicide cuts its own throat, or a frayed collar from a steam laundry is responsible.

This is the sticky time of year when nearly every woman thinks she can paint and varnish to beat the band. That’ of course, depends on how well the band can paint.

______

An Easy Way

Beacon – Don’t you find it hard to go out and buy your clothes?

Hill – No; I just go in and say I want so and so, and the salesman does the buying for me.

______

Clothes Don’t Make the Miss

“Fortune may knock on your door in unsuspected garb,” says an exchange, all of which may be true. Misfortune, however, knocks in any old garb; sometimes without any.

____________

April 15, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Procession

Don’t let it be said you were lagging behind,

     No matter what may be your calling;

Try not to be numbered, my brothers, amongst

     The ones who are constantly falling.

Just get into step and march to the front,              

     Whatever your trade or profession;

You’ll surely be lost in the ages that were

     Unless you keep in the procession.

Sometimes it is hard to keep the swift gait,

     When hampered by stress and by worry;

The world now treads with a march that is forced,

     And so it’s essential to hurry.

No stopping to rest, no orders to “halt,”

     Not even a moment’s digression;

E’en up to the end, in the last long ride,

     You’ve got to keep in the procession.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“When some folks find a thing hard to understan’ they hev an easy way uv sayin’ it ain’t no good.”

______

Those Disappearing Jewels

The Countess de Cardenas has been robbed of $34,000 worth of jewels. What, again? How can people be so careless with their jewels? Every little while a bag or a box or a bundle containing jewels, valued from $10,000 up disappears. It looks as though jewels were becoming so plentiful that people grow careless over them. When bicycles first came into use people leaned them against padded walls. Now they drop them on the hard pavement when they dismount. Perhaps we are becoming too rich. If so then it would be better for us to lose some of our wealth, even though it should be in the form of jewels, and let the other fellow get it. It would be a handsome thing to do. Perhaps that is why fortunes in jewelry are left so carelessly kicking around.

______

The “Bleach” Blonde’s Idea

“Such a funny game, baseball,” chatted the young lady with the nose pincers, trying to appear interested.

“How so?” queried the gloomy escort.

“You say the man is ‘out,’ and he comes right in. Really, it keeps one guessing, doesn’t it?”

______

Street Primer

Here comes the Postman.

He has grown one-sided from carrying the Mail. He carried the Mail when you were a Little boy or a Little girl. He will always carry the Mail.

No, he cannot stop to Help you find your Lost ball. He has many hundreds of Miles to Travel before he can get anything to Eat. The Postman has to Eat like other People; he usually Carries a Lunch.

He has grown Gray in the Service; so has his Suit.

Yes, the Postman would be glad to do All your errands for you, but he Cannot. His Uncle would be Displeased. No, I never saw his Uncle, but I know he has Got one. His Uncle is a Big man.

The Postman should also carry Suit cases for People so that he may Serve his Country better.

No, he does Not read All the Postals unless you Keep him Waiting.

You may keep the Postman Waiting till you have Changed your Dress, but no Longer.

(P.S. – You can’t Lose the Postman; he has been over the Ground too Often.)

______

A Fine Trust

I sometimes wish I were a trust

     As big as all creation;

I‘d make a corner which I guess

     Would stagger any nation.

I’d corner all the pretty girls

     Red cheeks and curls a-flowing,

And keep them from the other chaps –

     Now wouldn’t that be going?

______

Had Any?

Spring brings us so many blessings,

     That’s why she’s liked so well;

They are, of course, you gather,

Too numerous to tell.

But one I here must mention,

     It beats the rest sky-high;

While all are simply scrumptious,

     The best is rhubarb pie.

______

Mistaken Identity

How doth the little busy bee

      Improve this day and that

By vainly seeking entrance in

      The lady’s new spring hat.

______

Pavement Philosophy

A pretty woman will look pretty under anything; so there!

Continual wetting the whistle will wear away the clearest tone.

Some people need help over the rough places and some over the smooth ones.

Do not laugh at a has-been; there’s food for thought in the very name.

Even a nail won’t do its full duty unless driven to it.

If you are in Rome do the Romans; that’s the way the Romans do.

It’s the little things in life that bother, as for instance, the mosquito as compared with the elephant.

______

Takes More Than Thought

He – Silence gives consent.

She – Not until you’ve put the question.

____________

April 16, ‘09

  

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Soft and Low

You can’t sing loud the whole day long,

You might disturb the passing throng;

But in your heart you still can croon

A little hopeful, soulful tune.

And you can sing it all day long,

It won’t disturb the passing throng;

Once you can sing away your gloom

E’en though you’re in a darkened room.

So sing away and croon away,

Your little hopeful, soulful lay.

You cannot whistle all the day,

It might disturb the grave or gay,

But you can trill a softened note

Within the regions of your throat.

Deep down, just loud enough, you see,

To charm you with its melody.

And you can whistle thus all day,

It won’t disturb the grave or gay;

But it will lighten work and pain,

Your little hopeful, soulful strain.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Don’t allus think thet the drippin’ man goin’ down the sidewalk don’t know enough to go in when it rains; he may be advertisin’ an umbrel’ concern.”

______

50 Years Ago Today

A man in the suburbs was seen planting peas.

A belated April shower passed over during the night. No rain fell.

A Harvard student lost his way in trying to go across lots to Cambridge.

A horse fell on Tremont street. It was assisted to its feet by several men and boys. Quite a crowd collected.

Several youngsters played hookey and were seen paddling in the water at the foot of the Common. Paddle was in the wrong place.

______

Cheerful Comments

Who is going to look after the scorchers up in the air, anyway?

When you have lost your grip in the city, why not try the country? It isn’t so hard to hold on.

They say troubles never come singly, and yet people are continually inviting them by doubling up.

The worst part of the tarry-at-home anglers is that they have to listen to the stories of the fellows who have been.

The man who said that the discarded Easter hat box  could be used later in the season for a portable house went, of course, a little too far.

It’s all right to have mince pie without mince and chicken pie without chicken, but when they bring out a pumpkin pie without pumpkin we change our stopping place.

______

Take Your Choice

“The better part of going away

     Is getting back,” they say;

Why would it not be just as true

     If turned the other way?

Why would it not be just as well

     To put it this way, then:

The better part of getting back,

     Is going away again.

______

Smoke in the Flue

Caruso, the sky tenor, laughs at the idea that 60 cigarettes per day could possibly harm his throat. Isn’t it preposterous? Take a ham, for instance; constant smoking will cure it, rather than make it ill. And cigarette smoke is certainly more powerful than the ordinary smoke used in the ham house. Caruso knows what he’s about; if his throat is raw, or rare, he knows that plenty of smoke will cure it, and if 60 per day won’t do it, 120 will. That’s Caruso. He will come out all right.

______

Supply and Demand

There would be no peek-a-boo stockings,

     Or peek-a-boo waists, so to speak,

Nor yet any peek-a-boo garments,

     Were there no peek-a-boos to peek.

______

An Eye Opener

The reason why so many workingmen

          Can’t see where they’re at loss,

Is they keep one eye on the timepiece

          And the other on the boss.

______

Mere Play

“What’s the difference between a flying fish and a swimming fish?”

“Oh, easy; one flies to rise and the other rises to flies.”

______

A Delicate Situation

Hank Stubbs – Baxter’s gal has took to writin’ spring po’try.

Bige Miller – Waat, ain’t they havin’ nothin’ done for her?

____________

April 17, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Eight and Ten

When you were eight and I was ten!

     O, that was many years ago;

We thought we loved each other then,

     And shyly told each other so.

I walked with you, a barefoot boy,

     Both too and from the schoolhouse then;

But life seemed full of hope and joy,

     For you were eight and I was ten.

And then you moved – I missed you so,

     And people laughed because I cried;

And then I steeled my heart to woe,

     And walked alone, but hope had died.

I knew I ne’er should love but you,

     Though it were not the ways of men;

I swore to you I’d e’er be true,

     When you were eight and I was ten.

And now the years have passed away –

     You’re three times eight, I three times ten;

I’ve sought you out and ask today

     We walk the childhood way again.

For life has never been so sweet

     As in those simple moments when

We wandered down the village street,

     And you were eight, and I was ten.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“They may be jest ez good fish in the sea ez ever wuz ketched, but nobuddy ever appears to be dead sure about it.”

______

Street Primer

Here comes the Commedian.

Don’t speak to him lest he Bite you. He is a Commedian on the Stage; off the Stage he is a Tragedian. The Commedian is an Optimist for Revenue only. His manager tells him he mustn’t Laugh or crack Jokes on the street; it wouldn’t be good Business – for the Manager. He looks Fat and Prosperous, otherwise he would be taken for a Humorist.

Call round to the Theatre tonight and hear the Commedian perform. He will ask himself the question: “Why does the Hen cross the Street?” He will then proceed to answer it Himself. It is awfully Funny.

Does the Commedian draw a Good Salary?

Yes, if his Wife isn’t in the Chorus; if she is She draws it. Then the Commedian pulls down his Face and goes out for a walk. He is walking now. That is why he is a Tragedian off the Stage.

(P.S. – “Laugh and grow Fat” is good Advice. In that case the Commedian must Laugh at his own Jokes.)

______

Back to the Brush

New York has been accused many times of being behind the times, and sometimes, perhaps, unjustly so, but the news which has just been made public that wholesale horse-stealing is going on in the metropolis makes it no longer a matter of doubt. Worse still, it is believed the band of horse thieves is headed by a woman.

The idea of appropriating a horse at the present time! If our Boston light-fingered associations were to steal anything in the transportation line it would be an automobile or an aeroplane, or possibly an elevated train – but horses? Never!

______

A Family Incident

I meet her in the darkened hall,

     Too dark to know the miss there;

I struggled till I found her lips,

     And planted then a kiss there.

You think I’m going to say I thought

     It was my sweetheart Fannie,

And then discovered, to my grief,

     It was my sister Annie?

Not so; I kissed her once again,

     Not once I failed or miss her;

Then struck a light, and oh, my grief,

     ‘Twas Fannie’s pretty sister!

______

Cambridge Waking up

Harvard square is going some for a country town. The new tunnel isn’t the only big feat she has on foot. A large business block is nearing completion there, and with the new Lampoon building, a structure for Harvard’s humorour paper, and an up-to-date theatre, both of which will be in readiness by fall, University centre bids fair to be a lively place by candle light. Another season the late-hour student may witness a good play and not find it necessary to dig up the old excuse about missing the last car out.

______

No Steam

How can a fellow sing a song

     Of spring and all of that,

With overcoat and mittens on,

     And no steam in the flat?

His muse runs more to harlequins,

     And frozen things like that;

She won’t hang round and take a chance

     With no steam in the flat.

______

A Diplomat

Mother – Aren’t you ever going to get over fighting, Willie?

Willie – Yes’m, when I get licked.

______

Better Than Nothing

Beacon – I hear the Nulieweds have words occasionally.

Hill – Well, don’t deny them that much; that’s about all they have.

______

Agricultural Note

Little drops of water

    On the garden seeds,

Mixed with April sunshine

    Make a lot of weeds.

______

Another Story

Beacon – City life hasn’t contaminated him in the least.

Hill – But how has the city fared?

____________

April 18, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Spooning

I like to go a-spooning

     All on a summer’s day,

Along the quiet river

     Or out upon the bay.

I mind me not the season,

     Aye, morn or night or noon,

A pair of oars to guide me,

     And spoon and spoon and spoon.

What though the shadows deepen,

     And weirdly calls the loon;

When evening shades are falling,

     Then is the time to spoon.

‘Tis then the heart awakens

     And Nature joins the tune;

‘Tis then you hug the – shadows,

     And spoon and spoon and spoon.

What joy to be off spooning

     With naught to interfere;

To be away from worry,

     With nothing but your dear

Old boat and rod and tackle

     Upon the lone lagoon;

A pipe and gleaming waters,

     And just a whirling spoon!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“It’s a poor rule that won’t work both ways, but it’s a still poorer one that won’t work either way.”

______

Getting on in Life

(Hand-made Letters from a City-made Son to His Home-made Father.)

Yours with enclosure came promptly, and I put said enclosure right into a new suit. I also put a few extra dollars that I didn’t have into a hat and topcoat. A topcoat here, Dad, is an overcoat up home. You don’t know how much better I look now, but I know, and you can take my word for it. Clothes are a great thing in a town like this; they carry. A chap here feels just the way he’s dressed. I don’t want to put on lugs, Dad, but a good outfit is all right; it’s half the battle.

I hope that touch of rheumatism won’t get a strangle hold on you. I should hate to have to pull up here now and take care of the chores and things. My hand is out. Of course, I would come if necessary, but you see, Dad, help is so scarce here they would be put to it to fill my place. You know you always told me to make myself valuable to my employers. I have always tried to impress them with that idea. They couldn’t get along without me any more than I could get along without them. They never told me that, but that is the way I figure it out, and you always told me figures wouldn’t prevaricate.

Am glad to report that the beaches will open soon. It’s an old story to hug the town day and night all week. There’s always something doing around the beaches, and something to see when the bathing season opens. It’s wonderful, the number of people who go down to the sea in bathing suits. It’s more wonderful how some of them dare to. But the call of the sea is a loud one. Sometimes I envy you, Dad, up there with all the air and outdoors; plenty of room and nothing to do but work and enjoy yourself. It’s the confinement and social tires here that kill, to say nothing of the neckties and the ones in leather. The latter, Dad, is a “Jeu de esprit”; I’ll explain when I come up.

The baseball season is on, and probably I shall have to come up to bury you a couple of dozen times this summer if I get to see any games. It will be hard on you, of course, but then, you won’t mind as long as I recompense the fiddler, will you, Dad? It looks like a big season.

______

He Wishes

I wish I were a lordly chef

     In some first-class hotel,

Three times a day I’d stuff myself

     Or things I love so well.

I wish I were a soda man

     Who opens up the “fizz”

I’d mix myself drinks all the time,

     The very best there is.

I wish I owned a theatre,

     In my exclusive right;

I’d know the actresses and see

     A drama ev’ry night.

I wish I were a chauffeur so

     That I could ride all day

All through the countryside and have

     No puncture bills to pay.

I wish I were all this and that,

     But if I were I know

I’d wish that I were something else,

     So I guess I’ll let it go.

______

Course All Laid Out

Goodman – If Johnnie Jones should strike you on the cheek, what would you give him, James, the other?

James – De hook.

______

More Elastic

Beacon – The pen is mightier than the sword and –

Hill – Less fatal.

______

Jealous, Perhaps

I’ve half a mind old winter is

       A mean and selfish thing,

To linger here so ruthlessly

       Upon the lap of spring.

____________

April 19, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Spring in Gungawamp

(Contributed by the Village Poet)

Gungawamp is full of bustle,

Cleanin’ house an’ springtime hustle;

All the women’s feelin’ mean

‘Cuz they’ve got to scrub an’ clean;

But the men feel meaner still,

An’ are railin’ with a will

At the state the house is in – –

Last of which ain’t any sin.

Life for men folks in the spring

Is an awful upset thing;

When the women’s all a-bustle

Cleanin’ house an’ springtime hustle.

Gungawamp is full of sorrer,

Tribulation, pain an’ horrer;

Wish the women folks could find

Somethin’ else to take their mind

‘Stid o’ turnin’ upside down

Ev’ry homestead in the town.

Don’t know where we’re goin’ to eat,

Sleep nor rest our weary feet;

Don’t know when we’re goin’ to see

Peace nor order, no sir-ee.

Nothin’ here but haul an’ hustle,

Cleanin’ house an’ springtime bustle.

Gungawamp is not the only

Town that’s sufferin’ an’ lonely;

Ev’ry town is jest the same,

Up to jest the same ol’ game.

Wished we’d lived in Adam’s time

When there warn’t no household grime;

In the garden’s snug retreat,

Where there warn’t no rugs to beat.

What a joy it must have been

Keeping house for couples then!

None of hammer, haul or hustle,

Cleanin’ house an’ springtime bustle.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“You kin call it back-slidin’ ef you want to, but about ev’rybuddy does it by goin’ right straight ahead an’ with their eyes open.”

______

The Emerald Monster Again

Gertrude – They say a young man who is good to his mother will be good to his wife.

Mabel – Mercy! I didn’t think his fiancée as old as that.

______

Speaking of Finance

Beacon – Young Sportleigh is a chap of great promise –

Hill – As I have occasion to know.

______

A Weedy Outlook

Weeds in the garden come up first,

          And come up pretty fast;

They come up all the season through,

          And also come up last.

______

Street Primer

Behold the poet!

He Toils not, neither doth he Spin, but the Raggedy Man in all his Glory was not Frayed like one of these.

He is on his way to the Editor’s room. He has a Look of Peace and Satisfaction on his Brow that will have Disappeared on his return Trip. The Editor he is going to See is a Stranger to him. His Head is up; likewise his Nerve. He has a Poem on Spring under his Arm, but the Editor has seen so Many Poems on Spring that he wishes it were Fall. O how the Poet will Shrink when the Editor Glares at him!

Why does the Poet wear Long Hair? He doesn’t know. The reason dates back beyond the Memory of the oldest Poet. Perhaps it is because of the Mother of Invention – Necessity. She is responsible for a Number of Things. The Poet should be Treated gently. He should also be treated often. He will never do any Harm outside of his Verses, therefore he is a Desirable Citizen. Buy his Book and he will Like you. Ask him to Read something Original and he will Smile.

(P.S. It is a Good thing for the Poets that they are Born and not Made. If they were Made there wouldn’t be Any.)

______

Mixed Emotions

There’s a mighty diff’runt feelin’

          Each end the line, say I,

When the “biggest one” gits loosened,

          An’ flaps his tail “good-bye.”

______

Sonnet To The Sonnet

Hail, sonnet, fourteen lines of joy intense!

     Ten beats per line, no more, no less; a kind

     Of catch-as-catch-can, go-as-you-please grind,

A step-and-go-fetch-it in every sense,

Uneven, irregular, awkward, dense;

     Held up by Moguls of the classic pen

     As something great, unique, artistic, when

Your usage should be cited an offence.

Away with you! I cannot be thus tied,

     Since life is hard enough e’en now, ‘tis true,

     Without the bother of a whack at you,

Whom now I drop and henceforth cast aside.

     Your form may be poetic, full of grace,

     But you’re too much for me to here embrace.

____________

April 20, ‘09

  

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The House-Hunter’s Appeal

Dear landlord, on my knees I beg

     You rent to us your flat;

We’ll pay you twice what it is worth,

     And twice as much as that.

We’ll do, kind sir, all the repairs,

     And pay the taxes, too;

Insurance and the water rates,

     We’ll also pay for you.

We have two pets which we will kill,

     Simply a dog and cat;

We wouldn’t think of bringing them

     Into a modern flat.

We wouldn’t harm your place, kind sir,

     ‘Twould have most gentle use;

If we should walk about the rooms

     We’d sure remove our shoes.

O, yes, we have a little girl,

     But do not cherish doubt;

If you will let us have the flat

     We’ll board the baby out.

Please landlord, do not say us nay,

     But rent us, sir, your flat;

We’ll pay you twice what it is worth

     And twice as much as that.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Some uv the fellers who you think are gittin’ ahead so fast in the world are on’y markin’ time.”

______

The Troublesome Root

The rich are having a tough time of it. One is almost tempted to cast aside his wealth and declare himself a pauper. The few who are not being killed by automobiles are being sought out by Black Handers and kidnappers for future reference. In the state of Washington a plot to kidnap wealthy men has just been laid bare which makes all the former kidnapping cases look like modern comic opera. This new kidnapping scheme is not without its original features, however; which makes it of more than passing interest. It was to be an all-man affair – kids barred out – and its promoters intended, had their plans worked successfully, to coin a word for the occasion and call their stunt man-knapping. They felt justified in bringing forward such a word from the fact that they were to catch rich men napping and spirit them away and hold them for ransom. But now that the plot has been foiled – foiled is good – and one or two of the star performers caged, the dictionary has lost a valuable addition, and a large army of kidnapping, rather man-knapping, detectives will have to seek diversion elsewhere.

______

Political Seed

The rural gardener now doth sow

     The seeds his congressman hath sent;

They’re cracked way up to beat the band

     By that smooth-talking, polished gent.

If they turn out to be as good

     As promises in campaign days,

As fruitful as he said they would,

     Why, what a crop of weeds he’ll raise!

______

The Angler Caught

Angler – I called to ask if I might fish in the brook yonder? It looks pretty good to me.

Farmer – Oh, the brook’s all right, but I –

Angler – I’m willing to pay you, don’t be alarmed. Here’s $5. How does that strike you?

Farmer – Favorably, but you see I –

Angler – Oh, never mind; I won’t knock down any of your fences. Any fish in the brook?

Farmer – Lots of ‘em.

Angler – Good; how long is the brook?

Farmer – ‘Bout four miles.

Angler – Good! Well, I’m off; good day. Oh, I say, you won’t sue me for trespass or damages if I take out a half a hundred, will you?

Farmer – Nope.

Angler (shouting) – And I say, you’ve no objections to my wading the whole length, have you?

Farmer (shouting back) – Nope, take the durn brook home with you, if you wanter; it don’t belong to me!

______

In the Game

The man who goes into the game

          Without the go and grit,

And tries to play it hit or miss,

          Is apt to miss a hit.

______

The New Milkmaid

Where are you going, my pretty, pretty maid?

I’m going a-milking, kind sir, she said;

May I go with you my pretty, pretty maid?

I’m afraid you cannot, kind sir, she said.

Why not? And he tried to take the pail –

‘Cause the whale might strike you with its tail.

____________

April 21, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

What Say?

Don’t fume and fret,

Don’t squirm and sweat,

And get all in a tangle;

Don’t rip and tear,

And dance and swear,

And fill the air with jangle.

Don’t grump and growl,

Don’t scold and scowl,

Don’t get all in a muddle;

Don’t wail and weep

And make a deep

And pessimistic puddle.

Keep steady, boy,

There’s much of joy

And pleasantness awaits you;

Let in the sun –

It’s ten to one

It’s just yourself who hates you.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Don’t never cross yewr bridges till yew git to ‘em, an’ even then it ain’t necessary to jump up an’ down in the middle.”

______

A Rare Possibility

No one can ever tell, of course,

          How high that wheat will go;

But when it comes down with a thud

          Perhaps ‘twill be all dough.

______

Far-Seeing

The village gossip tries to raise

          All kinds of plants, but can’t;

She raises one, though, very well,

          It is the rubber plant.

______

Cheerful Comments

Wanted: The address of ex-President Castro.

Keep in the middle of the canoe – or keep out.

There was plenty of weather for discussion recently.

Department stores on the liners? Why not golf courses and half-mile tracks?

The oysters are having a hard time this month; they are doing four months’ work in one.

Some people worry because they haven’t anything to wear, others because they have to wear anything.

And now the star boarder is beginning to wonder how large a percentage of water the whale’s mild contains.

______

Reuben Speaks

Peanuts on the free list?

    Celebrate we ought;

Now we want ‘em oft’ner,

    Else a bigger quart.

______

From Romance to Realism

Mother – What makes you think George is no longer romantic and has ceased to care about you?

Gertrude – Well, he says five years is long enough for courtship and that we ought to think of marriage now if we’re ever going to.

______

Man’s Pathway

“You men are lucky,” she confided, sweetly. “In the matter of hats, for instance, you don’t have to follow the styles.”

“No,” he replied, generously, “but we have to follow the hats.”

______

One of the Rooms for Improvement

“I like your phonograph all right, but –”

“But what?”

“Don’t you think it would be an improvement if you should have its voice trained?”

______

When a Joke is Not a Joke

I don’t know what the Black Hand is,

        I guess some fellows fake it;

But should it come around my way

        I think I’d like to shake it.

____________

April 22, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Lay of the Lawn Mower

I rest in the cellar all through the hot day,

     With never a thing to do;

And I think of the people who toil away,

     The many and not the few.

I think of my master, a good fellow he,

     Who’s anxious for day to close

So he can rush home and exercise me

     Five hours before his repose.

     Then buzz, buzz, buzz

                 And click, click, click;

     I bump against a tree,

                 I slam against the brick.

     Out at the break of day,

                 By candlelight, alas!

     You’ll hear me making hay –

                 I cut a deal of grass.

How sad I feel for the man with no lawn

     His life must be drear I know;

Nothing to rouse him at early dawn,

     No acre of grass to mow.

My master is up at the break of day,

     How tuneful his morning strain!

He knows a good thing, and pushes away,

     Till he has to dash for his train.

     Then biff, bang, biff,

                 And click, clack, click;

     Perhaps it’s just a stone,

                 Or else a hidden stick.

     Out at the break of day,

                 Or candlelight, alas!

     I may not make much hay,

                 But I cut a deal of grass.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Sometimes a pusson can’t see the p’int jest becuz he hol’s it too clus to his eye.”

______

It Fell on a Friday

A felon had a felon. A stone fell on the felon who had the felon and hurt his felon. The felon pained the felon so that he fell on his knees and prayed the felonious felon might fall on some other felon. The felon, however, continued to pain the felon, and with his felon he rushed across a bridge for a felon doctor. He felon on the bridge and fell in the water, and that was the end of the felon who had the felon.

______

Street Primer

Here comes a Big Bow Tie.

No, it is an Artist. The Artist is behind the Big Bow Tie. Very likely he isn’t a real Artist; presumably he is an art Student because he dresses so much like a Real artist. Real artists don’t Dress like Artists any more. Anyway, he is a Painter, because he has on a Big Bow Tie. A Big Bow Tie doesn’t make an Artist, but it makes an Impression. Sometimes it makes an Impressionist.

He has something under his Arm. It is a Picture. He is taking a Canvas back. It is the only time he gets Canvas-Back – when he carries it under his Arm. The Artist believes he has a future. That is why he has a Far-Away look in his eyes.

The Artist loves to Smell paint. He also loves to smell Cash. Cash would be Bad for the artist. If he had Much cash he wouldn’t Paint. He paints Pictures by day and the Town by night. When he paints the town Red, he is getting Local Color for a Sunset. All artists don’t paint the Town Red; very few can Afford it.

(P.S. There’s a difference in slinging Paint and slinging Mud. The artist is no Artist at the Latter unless he is a worker in Clay.)

______

A Blank Outlook

Some fellows cannot raise the wind,

          Some cannot raise a fare;

The saddest one of all is he

          Who cannot raise a hair.

______

Our Living

It’s growing harder day by day,

          The price of flour way up the spout;

And in another week or so

          The oyster will be down and out.

______

Behind Uncle Joe

Success Magazine asks: “What is behind Cannon?” and our war editor rises to say that it undoubtedly is political powder, and to be careful about dropping matches in the immediate neighborhood.

______

Reuben Speaks

Peanuts on the free list?

    Celebrate we ought.

Now we want ‘em oft’ner,

    Else a bigger quart.

______

The Humorous Goat

The goat he ate a rubber shoe,

          And softly did he hum,

“Boys, I am doing nothing new,

          I’m simply chewing gum.”

– Syracuse Herald.

He spotted next a poster girl

          With gown extremely low,

And as he ate her up he said,

          “”I’m taking in the show.”

– Evening Transcript.

He swallowed next a can of beef –

          With satisfaction grinned;

“For sure,” said he, “it’s my belief

          To keep it should be tinned.”

– H.N.

______

The Only Difficulty

“The world owes me a living.”

“That’s all right, old man, as long as you can get somebody to stake you while you are trying to collect the bill.”

______

Cheerful Comments

How is it W. J. B. has never tried a Marathon?

It’s time the great white hand closed down on the one of darker hue.

The baseball has something on the golf ball since that New York game.

The staff of life isn’t any longer a thing to be twirled lightly about one’s fingers.

It is easy enough to go out and get a reputation, but there are so many kinds!

It is dangerous to even take anything for granted in the large department stores.

A linen shower is a pretty dry affair to everybody except to the one on whom it is falling.

And now will Dr. Starr, the Chicago prophet, watch the daily news from Africa to see how fares it with the mighty hunter whom he predicted would go down with the ship of his own scuttling.

____________

April 23, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

A Spring Placard

Just down a busy street

     An office locked securely;

Says everyone we meet:

     “There’s something wrong here surely.”

What is this card we see?

     May it be naught of sorrow;

“I’m gone today,” says he,

     “But may be back tomorrow.”

Don’t waste your time in doubt,

     He’s every inch a man, sir;

He knows what he’s about,

He’s gone fishing, that’s the answer.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Some me anger themselves intew the belief thet they are temperate jest becuz they never tech a glass uv liquor, when ez marter uv fact they may be slaves tew somethin’ a plaguey sight wuss.”

______

Good to Dust of Course

The Chicago News Humorist says that wise men will keep one umbrella at home and one at the office. Now what possible use could an umbrella be if kept in either place?

______

Confidential to the Men

Isn’t it awful to take your wife to a restaurant, where you have been accustomed to lunch alone, and have the pretty waiter at your table make free with you?

______

The Great American Novel

Dear Jocosity: There is a good deal of talk now and then about the coming great American novel. Can you tell me what is meant by “the great American novel”? What will it include, etc.? I would like to know what to expect. How will I know it when it arrives? – Miss Fern Way.

You will know the great American novel when it makes its debut. There will be no escaping it – rather you cannot mistake it; it will be unlike anything you have ever seen. Besides being a mile-a-minute-clip, song and dance performance in simplified spelling, it will contain tunnels and elevateds, hot and cold water, open plumbing and elevator service. It will have a department store in the basement with orchestra accompaniment, and an aeroplane station on the roof. The last chapter will be connected with the first by wireless.

Its characters will not only be borrowed from Boston, New York and Chicago, as well as from the rural districts, but also from Africa, Alaska, Hawaii, Cuba and the Philippines. It will deal with wheat, flour, copper and iron. It will discuss free thought, racial problems and suicide, all the ‘osophies and suffrage. Its hero will be everything from a football artist to a President. Its heroine will be everything from a freckled milkmaid to a queen in purple robes. She will be a sweetly young thing, and yet she must yacht, swim, golf, fence, shoot, ride, motor, aviate, climb mountains, orate and sway howling mobs with the motion of her tiny pink finger.

For excitement there will be battle in the air, and the yellow peril will turn every color of the rainbow. One might go on indefinitely, but what’s the use? If the great American novel were written here the other fellow would be cheated out of his glory, and that would be unchristianlike. You will know it when it comes; if you don’t someone will tell you.

______

He Begs to be Excused

There are some things I’d like to be,

     Some jobs I’d like to hold right well;

Some heights of fame I’d like to climb,

     And hear the crowd hurrah and yell.

I’d like to be so many things,

     And shine before the world a gem;
But of these things I’d like to be,

     An umpire is not one of them.

______

From Romance to Realism

Mother – What makes you think George is no longer romantic and has ceased to care about you?

Gertrude – Well, he says five years is long enough for courtship and that we ought to think of marriage now if we’re ever going to.

______

Cheerful Comments

Talk isn’t so cheap when you mention Mars.

If the poor families only had some of that Niagara ice that is going up in smoke.

We are driven to wondering what mother would have done at the present price of flour.

And ice water won’t be a cup that cheers, because that, too, is going to be way beyond its own level.

Only the painfully rich will be able to place orders for those $10,000,000 looking glasses.

One cannot help wondering if the dealers won’t take advantage of the present trouble in Turkey and make us pay for it next November.

The Washington Star remarks that the one thing the farmer is always advised to cultivate is a cheerful disposition. To the exclusion of his cucumbers?

______

Foiled

It is a rainy April day,

To go to lunch, ‘tis time, you say;

Your new umbrella’s tucked away

Behind your desk, a helpless prey,

              Forlorn.

You reach your hand, in careless way,

To bring it quickly into play.

But here you reel, in dark dismay,

And just a few “quotations” slay –

              It’s gone!

______

Perhaps He Himself Can Do It

Pretty near time for a musical comedy written around Mombasa. – Milwaukee Sentinel.

But Mr. Ade, we believe, is on his vacation.  – Indianapolis News.

Haven’t you ever heard of George Cohan?

______

Knew from Experience

Hank Stubbs – Tew him thet hath shall be given.

Bige Miller – Thet’s what Hamp Culver said; ‘’fore he got well frum pneumony he fell downstairs an’ broke his shoulder.

______

And the Oyster Is Not Alone

The oyster down in Oyster Bay

          Will fondly wish that he or she

Could be transplanted, by the way,

          To Beverly-down-by-the-sea.

____________

April 24, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

My Neighbor’s Hens

My neighbor’s hens delight to come

     And make a morning call;

In fact their chosen roosting place

     Is on my garden wall.

And every time my back is turned

     They come with skip and bound

And do the buck and wing upon

     My newly planted ground.

They like to wander in my paths,

     And while the hours away;

They compliment my gardening

     At sunrise every day.

You see their land it is so plain,

     And mine so superfine,

That they prefer to leave their own

     And roam around on mine.

My neighbor’s hens I’d sorely miss

     If they should move away;

You see they undertake to change

     My scenery every day.

And then, if they should fail to come,

     I’d grow so good the bye

This earth would be no place for me,

     I’d surely have to die.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“It may be worry thet kills an’ not work, but how kin you help worryin’ when you don’t hev the work?”

______

Cheerful Comments

Good! The house fly is to be punished for trespass.

If only politics and some other things were “wireless.”

Speaking of spring as a shy maiden, no one can accuse her of being forward.

Naturally a boy takes to water; the trouble is to induce him to keep it up.

When a woman marries a man to get a home she frequently has it all to herself after a while.

Get the flat all fixed up before you move in; the landlord doesn’t like to disturb you after you get settled.

When a man talks about blooming flowers he is taking a different point of view from what a woman usually is.

A great many people are continuously wondering how they can get on the inside. The quickest way is to put a fist through a plate glass window.

______

Keep Your Seat

The New York Herald is chesty over the fact that two swans in Central Park are sitting (“setting”) on eggs valued at $60 each. Huh! That is nothing to dance about. Quite frequently our suburban friends bring in mere hens’ eggs that cost fully as much, if not more.

______

The Way Out

A lie is born and dies again,

It never lives; no never;

But truth and kindness stand the strain,

And stay on earth forever.

Harsh words find lodgement for a while,

Then from this good world sever;

Good humor travels mile on mile,

And lives to bless us ever.

______

Epicurean Epigrams

Whale’s cream in your mind, or in your coffee?

Many a shad has to walk the plank now to the joy of the epicurean.

Look not upon the wine when it is red. but some kinds are white or yellow.

Sometimes cucumbers are too freely used for the purpose of filling an aching void.

Hot chocolate with whipped cream still lingers in the lap of the belated strawberry shortcake.

Flowers look very nice on the table, but of course one cannot eat them.

Nuts aid digestion; also the country folk fortunate enough to raise them.

The fact that proof of the pudding is in the eating has nothing particularly to do with hash.

Perhaps one of the reasons why the pies your mother used to make were so good was because they were so rare.

______

Hope at Last

  Our really great ambition is,

     And we’ve ambitions plenty

To live around these diggings now

     Till 1920.

______

But It’s Fun, Though

Beacon – There’s more than one way of getting up a tree!

Hill – You don’t mean investing in nursery stock?

____________

April 25, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Treed

The muxmux sat on his great hind legs,

     And looked o’er the top of the trees;

The flapergub turned a quick somersault

     When he heard the oomagark sneeze.

The rammerjeck piked for the forest depths,

     While the razzillitt mourned his fate;;

And the rikirik flew, and the pijib, too,

     Fifty leagues from the Congo State.

The shuvelo dug deep down in the ground,

     To get far out of harm’s way;

The wizzywitt climbed to the topmost tree,

     And hid himself night and day.

The filligabb swam far out to sea,

     And dove for the depths below;

And the fizziwock shook with hunted look,

     While the whinniyick died of woe.

A reign of terror swept jungleland,

     E’en the sun refused to come out;

The limbs of the trees all shook with fear,

     And the Kaffir king had the gout.

And the great glabberacker and the filliloolum,

     When he saw those guns and shoes,

Just fell with a jar at the feet of T.R.,

     And murmured: “O, what’s the use?”

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Time ain’t allus money; sometimes it’s money out.”

______

Getting on in Life

(Hand-made letters of a City-made Son to his Home-made Father)

I hardly know how to begin my letter to you this week, and I’m dead sure I won’t know how to leave off. I’ve got something on my mind, Dad, something besides the new Easter top-piece I mentioned in my last “billy-doo.” I’m struck, and struck hard; dazzled, so to speak, and don’t know whether to go full speed ahead or back up. Now don’t laugh, because if you do I won’t tell you anything about it – rather “her,” but when a fellow’s got more in his head than he can carry he’s got to unload somehow. I don’t break the news to any of my bosom friends here because, in the first place, they’d give me the giggles, and in the second place, they’d lay around and try to carry off the goods, maybe. Gee, but it seems a little bit rough to call it – I mean “her” goods. She’s good, all right, but she ain’t goods; not much.

It all happened in such a funny way – I suppose most all things of this kind do – affairs of the heart, you know. A friend of mine lugged me into a restaurant here for dinner, and incidentally to show me a “peach,” as he put it. Not the kind you raise, Dad; you couldn’t raise a peach like this one. It would have to be acquired. Well, I couldn’t eat my dinner for looking at her, and unbeknown to my chum, I changed eating stations at once. I’ve eaten there ever since. That is, I’ve eaten some, but talked mostly. Say, Dad, she’s a waiter, but I don’t ever want anybody but her to wait on me; she puts the place all to the sunshine. She’s just as good as she looks, too, Dad, and when it comes to looks, or style, either one, she puts it all over anything in the whole enclosure. I’ve had her out to a couple of shows and her gait is all that the house of  –  could ask for. She can give me on ceremonials.

Dad, I would just like to see her up there on the farm. She would shame the Mayflowers, and you’d forget you were your son’s father. That, however, we’ll file for future consideration. After all, ‘tisn’t so bad when you know that I have saved $4 since I’ve known her. She says: “Save your money, son, there’s a wet day coming.” Isn’t that good preaching? I suppose you’re surprised, but so am I, and I come first, in this deal, don’t I, Dad? More anon.

______

Play’s the Thing

When you have watched the game all day,

And seen a cracking double-play,

     It’s tame, I swun,

To go at night, to sporty be,

And spend your hard-earned cash to see

     A single one.

______

I never saw a lynching bee;

          He must be very funny

To idle all the summer long,

          And still have lots of honey.

______

Food for Thought

Beacon – I’ve got down to one meal a day now.

Hill – How’s that?

Beacon – I’m taking Fletcher, and as I can’t spare but three hours for eating, I’ve given it all over for chewing.

____________

April 26, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

?     ?     ?

“What would you ruther do?” says he

     To me one springtime day;

“Of all the things done in the world

     What suits you best, I say?”

I looked at him, an’ then I looked

     Out on the shiny Crick;

I p’inted with my thumb, an’ he,

     Waal, he knowed purty quick.

I didn’t say a word to him,

     He knowed just what I meant;

An’ then we got our poles an’ bait,

     An’ other things, an’ went.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Ef you are jest a little behind the pace thet is set for you, you kin take a little comfort in the thought thet you won’t bump so hard when you land.”

______

The Query Box

Dear Jocosity: I don’t see how you can be funny all the time. Don’t you ever have troubles same as other people do? You surely must have serious moments sometimes. – A Fair Questioner. Is your first paragraph a compliment or sarcasm? Would really like to know as it would materially affect the replies to your questions. It is easy enough to be funny all the time if you feel that way. And it is easy to feel that way when you can make more out of it by feeling that way than any other way.

The troubles of humorists are different from the troubles of other people. Humorists have troubles enough, but they are funny troubles, consequently they always work to good advantage. Yes, serious moments come around but they are fleeting. They are when the board bill comes due and the clothing-on-credit man pokes his head in the door. By some hook or crook there is usually enough scraped up to meet the issues, and it is all over in a moment. Is it all plain to you?

______

A True Fish Story

They ain’t no truth

     In what they say:

“The biggest fish

     He gits away.”

That old idee

     I know ain’t right;

The biggest fish

     Won’t never bite!

______

Newspaper Farming

It is amusing, but nevertheless true, to note that the suburbanite, with his eighth of a acre of ground, can tell you more about what is going on in the agricultural world than the farmer who owns half the county seat.

______

Just to Keep It in Mind

Anyway, Teddy is having the kind of fun he likes, his friends are having fun in praising him and his enemies are having fun roasting him, and so everyone is satisfied.

______

He Knew

Fann – Took in any ball games yet?

Bleacher – Yep; one.

Fann – How was the catching?

Bleacher – Fine (kerchoo!!) Great.

______

A Decent Proposition

Burglar – Hold up your hands!

Victim – All right, old man, but for heaven’s sake don’t ask me to hold up both feet at the same time; if there’s anything I hate it’s being made a monkey of.

______

The Meanest Man

“Who is the meanest man you know?”

     Has been asked frequently;

And some have named the millionaire,

     The outlaw or the spy.

A poet sent in this reply

     Which is both mean and terse:

“He is the plaguey editor

     Who won’t accept my verse.”

____________

April 27, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

When the Engine Goes

It doesn’t matter who we are,

     Nor matter where we work,

We are supposed, in office hours,

     To never, never shirk.

But when the fire engine toots,

     And hammers down the street,

There always falls upon the ear

     The sound of moving feet,

Each office up and down the line

     Is in a sudden spill;

And pretty faces everywhere

     The office windows fill.

For O, it so exciting is,

     And such a daily treat,

To see the engine cough its sparks

     And thunder down the street.

And if there comes a rainy day,

     When fire alarms are few,

We just sit round and mope the while,

     And don’t know what to do.

We almost wish there’d be a fire

     On some far distant street,

So we could see the engine go

     And have our daily treat.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“You can’t ride to success in parlor cars nur autymobiles; they are made to ride in arter you’ve made your success.”

______

Tale of a Shade Roller

Down in York, Pa., recently, a man found $600 which had been hidden by his late wife, rolled up in a shade he was about to auction off to the highest bidder. Shades on the person who said there is nothing new under the sun! It has remained for York to introduce a brand new game, that of “unrolling the roller.” At last the married man has a chance to even up some of those sleight-of-hand financial performances with his wife. While she is enjoying that pleasure, so peculiar to women, of going through his pockets, searching vainly for a left-over nickel, he will now slip quietly out of bed and pull down to their limit every shade roller in the house. He won’t get $600 in every case, but he will get something, if nothing more than a good-natures “ha ha!”

______

A Justified Migration

In Rollo, Mo., they’ve passed a law

     On which the young folks frown;

On flirting have the city dads

     Just put the screws right down,

And very soon they’ll wonder why

     The girls have all left town.

______

Cheerful Comments

If you have plans for a canoeing trip, and can’t swim, you’d better upset them before you start.

There are so many different breakfast foods that it is worse than trying to choose a summer home.

Mark Twain wants to know if Shakespeare is dead. Mark, if anybody, that a great author lives forever.

He isn’t carrying a concealed weapon, although it may look like one. Probably it is a little bundle of nursery stock tied up in burlap.

After all, things are figure out all right; we no sooner lay down the buckwheat cake than we take up the strawberry short.

______

A Martyr Indeed

“Certainly I’m good to my husband, and, more than that, I make sacrifices for him every day of my life.”

“How very interesting! What do you do so much?”

“Don’t I listen to all his baseball talk to the exclusion of my spring cleaning talk, and try to appear interested through it all?”

______

Poor Girl

She doesn’t take the ball game in,

          Although ‘twould make him glad,

For fear she’d trump her partner’s ace,

          Or something just as bad.

______

No Wonder

“Blinns has gone puzzle mad.”

“You don’t say; jig-saw puzzles?”

“No; he’s been trying to make out what the headlines mean in some of the daily papers.”

______

Came to His Rescue

He – I’ve half a mind to steal a kiss from you.

She – I wouldn’t like to be known as abetting criminals.

______

His View of It

“Man wants but little here below,”

  The time-worn, but erratic fling;

Man wants the earth and sea and sky,

  But woman gets the whole blame thing.

____________

April 28, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Sonnet On “Where is Spring?”

(By the Office Boy.)

If gentle spring is ever going to come

     I wish ‘twould hump along right soon, for I

     Don’t like to go and get a new supply

Of flannels, but I’ll have to buy the same,

Since them I wear would skurcely hold the name.

     And then, besides, I’ve got a summer suit

     Which, ev’ryone who’s seen it calls a “beaut,”

I’d like to wear and get right in the game.

And then I asked the boss if I could go

     Today and see a league game if I got

     My work done up at two right on the dot.

He laughed, and said: “spring hasn’t had no show;

     Don’t worry till she comes, about no game,”

     And that is why I wish that she would came.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“The people who hev the hardest time a-gittin’ through this world are them who are allus waitin’ to be kerried.”

______

The Scapegoat

Come, Omar, why didst Thou write thy Book?

Thou didst divert me frum the Fishing hook;

     I sat me ‘neath the Bough thy lines to Read,

And plum forgot there was eke Trout or Brook!

And when I wandered home, devoid of Game,

She asked me where I’d been, in Heaven’s name,

     That I no Fish had brought her Taste to Please;

I could but answer: “Omar were to Blame”.

______

Cheerful Comments

The young Turk must be an awful goblin to the old Turk.

April’s strong puffs have disarranged many of a different nature.

Never mind whether or not you can paddle your own canoe; can you swim?

If the ice doesn’t break up pretty soon, we know lots of fishermen who will.

“Boston has the world’s fair bug.” – Worcester Gazette. Well, it’s a relief from the gypsy moth, anyway.

A very bright girl was once heard to say that she never could like a man who wore a flat-topped derby hat.

______

April

We will not miss her when she’s gone,

     Pleased she is not a moment older;

Not only has she soaked us through,

     But given us the chilly shoulder.

______

Philadelphia Art Note

Friend – Why are you rushing your Puritan picture so?

Artist – I’m trying to get it ready to send to the Boston tercentenary.

______

Remains to Be Seen

Beacon – What do you think about all this talk with Mars?

Hill – Cheap.

______

They Dost Not

           That April showers

           Bring forth May flowers

Has been writ out in many a gem;

           But by the powers

           Those April showers

Don’t bring any dust to pay for them.

____________

April 29, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

A Discouraging Fish Story

They all set round in Stokes’s store,

     The “Gungy Fishin’  Club,”

As they had done o’ nights afore,

     Each givin’ each a rub

On fishin’ yarns; waal, I should say

     If ev’ry one was true,

There’d be no fish at all today,

     Leastways a very few.

Hen Billin’s he had ketched a trout

     That weighed three pounds or more;

Jed Martin he had pulled one out

     That tipped the scales at four.

An’ pickerel? Now Cap’n Joe

     Had ketched one weighin’ eight;

When Uncle Era says “O, sho,

     I use that kind fur bait.”

An’ so it went, round after round,

     Each yarn inclined to swell.

Tom Berry hadn’t made a sound –

     He was the drummer. “Well,”

Said he, “I’ve fished for years –” they looked

     An’ hemmed an’ hawed around –

“The biggest one I ever hooked

     Weighed nearly half a pound!”

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Ef you git into the habit uv worry over the little things, the big ones are a-goin’ to take you off your feet.”

______

Troubles of a Novelist

He was just about to write, “Foiled, hissed the hero through his set teeth,” when he happened to remember that the hero had lost them overboard from a canoe in the preceding chapter. Knowing that it wouldn’t do, he substituted: “And, in his flush of victory, the hero bit his tongue!”

______

Cheerful Comments

Strawberries come high no matter how you raise ‘em.

Perhaps the Boas girl is to be commended; she found herself in life earlier than most people do.

There’s one good thing about the weather we’ve been having – mosquitoes haven’t loosened up yet.

A man may not be green just because he’s looking at the top of a high building; he may be a roofer.

Sometimes if two people at the end of a telephone wire could see each other the conversation wouldn’t be so strung out.

A nice up-to-date heading for a chatty department in a woman’s magazine would be: “Under the Peach-baskets.”

Sometimes when a man wakes up to find he wasn’t born a poet he begins to write his poems in the form of prose.

______

Charity For All

When you are dodging autos did

     It e’er occur to you

Perhaps the chauffeur, pale with fright,

And driving her with all his might,

     Is dodging someone, too?

______

Looking Backward

If you try to force the weather,

     Now my good, fault-finding friend,

You will find yourself quite sorry

     When you near the other end.

When you’re sweating out in August,

     Wringing wet and hopping mad,

You will think, without a question,

     April wasn’t half so bad.

______

The Last Charge

“Gen. Blunderbuss was the greatest strategist of his time, wasn’t he?”

“Yes, but he got fluked in the long run.”

“How’s that?”

“He couldn’t handle his forces sufficiently well to keep his two wives apart.”

______

Proof Positive

Hank Stubbs – Steve Piper’s darter is getting’ to be a purty big opry singer, ain’t she?

Bige Miller – I should say she was; they’re beginning to call her by her last name already.

____________

April 30, ‘09