Jocosities - March 1909

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Lo, a New Poet

(The Sultan of Morocco addressed an ode in Arabic to the Kaiser in honor of the latter’s birthday – News Item)

Mulai Hafid is a poet

And he wants the world to know it;

He has writ an ode, a riser,

On the birthday of the Kaiser

And the Kaiser shows his pleasure

O’er the metre and the measure,

Not forgetting here to mention

The political attention.

What’s the use, O “ha’f-fed” rhymers,

Both beginners and old timers,

Keeping up our versifying

If this rulers goes to trying

To compete and hurt our calling

With Arabic catawauling?

Let us then be up and trying

To choke off his versifying!

Ah! I have it, Hafid, poet,

Here’s your end but you don’t know it:

We must urge him on and dare him

To address odes to his harem,

And he’ll be so busy writing –

And he’ll dare to do no slighting,

That the strain will cause a shock. Oh,

No more verses from Morocco!

______

Wo-manly

Beacon – Does your wife object to smoking?

Hill – Well, if she does, she is man enough not to say so.

______

A Kind Deed

Muser – Why did you turn down my verses?

Heartless – So no more would turn up.

______

Hints of the Season

Don’t think the maiden all forlorn

Is wishing she had ne’er been born;

Don’t think she’s lost her lover true

Because she seems a trifle blue,

                   It’s Lent.

Don’t think because you’ve spent your pay

That you can touch me hard today.

O, yes; I got my salary

Last night, but here’s the point: you see,

                   It’s lent.

____________

March 1, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Seedtime

Seed catalogues have come again

     To tempt our eager eyes,

A glowing, gorgeous spectacle

     Of backyard paradise.

Long rows of dahlias down the walks

     And mounds of “four o’clocks”;

Sunflowers by the garden wall,

     A hedge of hollyhocks.

Raspberries, luscious, black and red,

     And veg’tables galore;

Gooseberries, currants, corn and beans

     A rich and wondrous store.

Rhubarb close by the garden path,

     Rose bushes all ablaze,

The springtime catalogues present

     In most attractive ways.

B’jones way out in Lonelyburg

     Has catalogues piled high;

And everything he spies within       

     He surely wants to try.

He plans for fruit and vegetables

     For self and neighbors, too;

And fills his helpmeet’s tired ears

     With what he’s going to do.

It’s fine to have seed catalogues,

     When springtime comes around,

And plan what you are going to do

     On your small patch of ground.

It’s fine to dream of Lonelyburg

     All through the office grind,

And read those brilliant catalogues

     And farm it – in your mind!

______

Pavement Philosophy

If it is up to you, be up to it.

He laughs best whose laugh lasts.

The man who is everlasting disagreeable looks the part.

If the stage is elevated too high, a good many people won’t be able to see it.

The man who lunches with a watch side of his plate is to be pitied; he ought to be clubbed.

There are a lot of people who know enough to go in when it rains and get someone else’s umbrella.

It doesn’t make so much difference what kind of spring bitters you take so long as it is spring and the bitters are bitter enough.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“It takes tew fish tew make a bargain; a shark and a sucker.”

______

A Newly Discovered Epitaph

“Here lies Hen Hills – it ain’t nothin’ new,

          He’s lied all through his hull life like sin;

Now he’s lyin’ in wait at St. Peter’s gate,

          An’ he’ll have to lie more ef he gits in.”

______

Epicurean Epigrams

Laugh and grow fat is good advice, but one must stop laughing long enough to eat.

Too many cooks spoil the broth and too few cooks spoil the disposition.

It is all right to rest one’s elbows on the table if they are needed to fill up gaping space.

If an overloaded stomach produces a good-sized night-mare, how much would one have to eat to be held down by a touring car?

____________

March 2, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

“Slightly Infected”

The boarders round the table now

     Look with suspicious eye

Each time the table girl trips from

     The kitchen handy by.

Upon each plate of steaming steak

     A sign in bas relief

Is seen, in letters bold and plain:

     “Slightly infected beef”.

Next day the menu may be changed –

     It is sometimes, you know;

And on the platter sizzling,

     We see a golden glow.

And still we see the placard there

     Standing upon its pegs

In bold, but truthful, handiwork:

     “Slightly infected eggs”.

On Fridays when our palate’s fixed

     Upon a toothsome dish

The same old sign turns up again:

     “Slightly infected fish”.

And so on down the daily list

     The truthful letters flash;

Because our hostess won’t deceive:

     “Slightly infected hash”.

When pay-day comes – sometimes it does –

     We’re going to get square;

She shan’t have a monopoly

     On truthfulness, we swear!

A placard we shall have prepared,

     And in her palm will flash;

‘Twill be pinned to the bills and read:

     “Slightly infected cash!”

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Man is known by the comp’ny he keeps, pervidin’ he keeps ‘em on the best there is goin’.”

______

Cause Removed

I saw a very funny sight

          The other night down to a show;

It was a minstrel troupe, and so

There wasn’t any bald-head row.

______

Snuffed Out

Gaddit – Was your book one of the best sellers?

Pennit (sadly) – It was what you might call a quick seller.

______

Ability Running Round Loose

I cannot write a triolet,

       I always fail, ah, me;

But I can write, most any day,

       A lay about a tree.

______

Home Productions

We do not have to spend our cash

     Down in the theatre’s spot-light glow;

We simply meet on Tremont street

     And watch our moving picture show.

____________

March 3, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Good Morrow!

What a joke existence is!

     Fame is quick to waft;

How doth strenuosity                 

     Get it fore and aft.

Now we’re here, but soon we go 

Up the sooted shaft.

Exit, Mr. Roosevelt,

     Enter, Mr. Taft.

______

Street Primer

The Messenger Boy is going by.

Take your Time, Little One; he won’t be out of Sight before you get to the Window.

He has a Message for somebody. The Message is Important. The Messenger Boy knows it is Important, and he is Not going to Run into any Danger. No; he is going to Move with Caution; caution is a Part of the Messenger Boy’s business.

See! He has Stopped to Look in a Window; he Stops to Look in the Same window every Time he goes Past. There is a Moving Picture Show in the Window and the Boy waits till he sees the Last picture.

It is a Fine day. If I had some Marbles I would go down and Play them with the Messenger Boy.  See! He has Dropped the Message and is going Without it.

Never mind, Little One, Somebody will pick it up and it will Get There sooner.

(P.S. Everything comes to him who Waits until it Gets There.)

______

Pavement Philosophy

All of our roasts don’t come out of the oven.

No matter if the ballet dancer’s kick does come high, the manager must have it.

If you are not very much alive these days you will certainly be a dead one.

Before you find fault with the draught of your cigar be sure you haven’t lighted it backwards.

When people refuse to go in and have their pictures taken, usually there’s a reason for it.

It is not so hard to get a job. Go out and look for work and you’ve got a job right away.

______

Rural Perplexity

[An Appeal Addressed to the Fowl Department.]

Dear Editor: I write you for a word of information;

Your good advice may save me from the bughouse or the station.

A simple question ‘t is I ask, pray give a simple answer,

And from the largeness of your heart please tell me if you can sir.

‘T is not about the great canal, airships or an election;

My question more important is, and deals with life protection:

Is there a way known unto man – drat great expense or labor –

That I can keep his chickens home and still regard my neighbor?

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

Sometimes a feller in tryin’ to dodge an issue gits struck by somethin’ wuss.

____________

March 4, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Slush

Ho! What’s this, another gale,

Rain and snow and ice and hail,

Sleet and cold and overcoats

Buttoned high around our throats,

Mittens, scarf, and overshoe,

Noses pinched a frosty blue,

When we thought old Winter King

Fairly in the lap of spring?

Fie on the poets who have said

Winter is as good as dead.

Shame on rhymesters who “have sang”

Spring was coming with a bang,

Telling us to leave behind

Overcoats and all their kind.

Poets gay misleaders are,

Hitching wagons to a star.

Back, O back, to forests high!

Come again, please, by and by.

______

The Query Box

D.I.P. – When is a joke not a joke? (You ought to be able to answer this or change your occupation.)

It would seem a t first thought, and yet –. A good many questions enter into your seemingly simple one. You see, so much depends. It makes a difference who tells the joke and to whom it is told. Then comes the question of atmosphere. Usually the best jokes are told in the worst atmosphere. Many jokes are spoiled in the telling, others in the hearing. Many jokes are spoiled before they are told, and some are spoiled because they are told too often. On the other hand, some spoil from being laid away too long.

A joke is a peculiar thing. It should be handled with care. In being transported “no hooks” should be used. Again, there are many jokes which deserve to hook. You see, DIP, sometimes a joke is a joke and sometimes it is not. The very same joke may be and may be not a joke. We hope we are making this plain. A joke is governed entirely by circumstances over which it has no control. The same conditions apply to the question, “When is a non-joke a joke?” Or, “When is a joke a joke?” We hope this is satisfactory, as we don’t want to change our occupation. What would be the use? If we went to work in the street some would ask, “When is a pick not a pick?” and we would be just as poorly off. If you had asked us “Why is a joke not a joke?” or “Why is a joke?” it would have been a different matter. But you didn’t.

______

Some New Lincoln Lights

Writers have repeatedly informed us that Lincoln studied his law books by candle-light, by the light of the smoky whale-oil lamp and by the light of the blazing heath. Now a new one comes forward and says that the great and good man studied by moon-light.

Lincoln year is yet young, and in case any new writer wishes to bring out a still different light by which Lincoln studied we have invented a few from which one may be selected gratis. They are sunlight, starlight, torchlight, northern lights, lightning and the light of his own countenance.

____________

March 5, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

My Cigarette

My cigarette, dear cigarette,

I haven’t smoked you wholly yet.

I’ve laid you, burning, at my side,

While I attempted to stem the tide

That rises, like a steamy jet,

Deep in my stomach, cigarette.

You looked so nice and round and white,

I lighted you in pure delight,

And puffed you lightly three times three,

And then a feeling came to me

That you were not a joy, and yet

You looked so tempting, cigarette.

My thoughts went back to boyhood days,

The stables and the cattle bays;

The bonfires, burning rubber shoes,

Bog-hay and raked-up yard refuse;

Those scents and scenes they haunt me yet,

Because of you, my cigarette.

______

Street Primer

Come to the Window, Little One, and Look out.

A Student is coming up the Street. It is 2 A.M. He is coming from a Banquet and is in good Humor. If you should Touch him right Now for 10 cents for a Plate of Beans he would Recognize you.

The Student’s trousers are Turned High, not because it is Raining, but because he Is a Student. If his Trousers were Not turned High he wouldn’t be a Student. His large felt Hat is turned Down all around, not because it is Raining; it isn’t Raining, but because he would like to make his Hat brim and the Bottom of his Trousers meet. Isn’t he a Picture in the Cold Starlight?

Where is the Student’s Overcoat?

It is Hard to Tell. He had one when he came to College, but Nobody has seen it Since. He likes to Shiver better than he likes to Wear his Overcoat. Possibly he has Left it in the Care of his Uncle. He and his Uncle are on good Terms. The Uncle frequently Looks after the Student’s Property.

Yes, indeed, but this is All I’m going to Tell you about the Student.

(P.S. It is Easy to Pick out a Student if you have been One.)

______

A Smile

When you wake up in the morn

With a feeling of “all gone,”

Do not go around forlorn,

               Meet it with a smile.

If the sun will not come out,

Do not poke around and pout;

Put your somber thoughts to rout,

               Meet it with a smile.

If your job looks hard today,

Piled up seemingly to stay,

Don’t have feelings of dismay,

               Meet it with a smile.

If a bill comes in to you,

Which has long been overdue

Don’t convert the air to “blue,”

               Meet it with a smile.

______

Epicurean Epigrams

Eat while you eat, but don’t eat all the while.

Too many cooks spoil the mistress’ reputation.

Nothing should be taken for the stomach’s sake that will go to the head.

It is better to be hungry all of the time than never be hungry any of the time.

You can’t eat your cake and have it, although, of course, some kinds stay by you quite a long time.

The difference between some men and dogs is that the men growl over the table, while the dogs growl under the table.

____________

March 6, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

A Horse

A horse fell in the street today

Upon the pavings, cold and gray,

Collapsed before his heavy load,

A lifeless heap upon the road.

He tried in vain to make the grade,

He pulled and tugged and strained and swayed;

Then, fear, contrition in his eye,

He yielded up his task – to die.

Collected there a motley band,

To lend advice, but not a hand;

And some were moved to silent tears,

And some to heartless jests and jeers.

“‘Tis but a horse,” said one in glee,

“I’m glad it’s not a horse on me!”

And souls there were who failed to see

But humor in the tragedy.

My heart grew sad – I moved away –

I owned a horse but yesterday;

A noble steed, as kind and true

As any soul ‘neath Heaven’s blue.

“Where might my pet be now?” thought I;

My grief too keen I passed him by,

And left the hero on the road,

A lifeless heap before the load.

Ah, friend, that horse one day had known

The kindest seeds that e’er were sown;

Had felt the pat of childish hands,

Had grazed upon the fairest lands.

Jeer not at some old rack-a-bones

Who’s pulling loads o’er cobblestones;

And give a worthy thought, I pray,

When he falls dead upon the way.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Ef you can’t git up the ladder of success on your own feet, don’t grab the cut-tails of the feller ahead as a last resort.”

______

Hash

Some people find fault when eating hash because they don’t know what is in it. Such souls are simply trying to dodge happiness. Would anybody ever start upon a journey if they knew the cars were going to leave the track, or that the bridge was sure to collapse? No, indeed. Would lovers of hash ever order that most toothsome viand were it not for the delightful uncertainty attached to it – the compelling mystery in which it is wrapped?

Why be wise when perfect happiness lies in ignorance? Hash has stood the test of time, and, whatever it is made of, history has yet to place a calamity at its door. Wine has caused the head to rise above the church steeples; pie has ruined the digestive apparatus and hot biscuits have brought the price of nightmares down to a surprisingly low figure; but hash, plain, regular, inoffensive hash, has gone on down the ages and left nothing in its wake but a fond memory and a sweet taste in the mouth. Why worry?

______

Hard to Remember Names

My, my, what a busy world!

          Strange how quickly it has went;

Let us see, er – what’s the name

          Of the new Vice-President?

______

Milady Bountiful

No matter how a hard a lady may try to conceal her increasing embonpoint, the moment a little nickel plated bathroom scales reaches the house she just can’t help giving herself a weigh.

______

A Cautionary Move

Mrs. Kommute – Henry! Henry! I believe I hear burglars downstairs!

Mr. Kommute – Sh! Don’t hurry them away; they’ve been playing in hard luck lately.

______

Hail to the Chief

If Mr. Taft is full of push

       We will have a busy nation;

In any case, we’re bound to face

       A solid administration.

______

Substituting

Willie – Is your father boss of your house?

Johnnie – Yes’r, every time he goes over to the neighbors’.

______

A Lucky Find

I shot a kiss into the air,

     It went far out of sight;

It journeyed far, I know not where,

     And then came on the night.

For years I sought the kiss in vain,

     Imploring Cupid’s aid;

And then one day I found it on

     The lips of one sweet maid.

____________

March 7, ‘09

                    

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Rural Inspection

The Cow Club met the other night,

     Which wasn’t very strange,

Since they’re at Jones’ regular,

     With never any change.

Although it was a bitter night,

     An’ snow was in the air,

Each setter round the red-hot stove

     Was in his ‘customed chair.

“I hear you’ve sold your heifer, Hen,”

     Jed Martin fin’lly said;

An’ Billings shifted legs with care,

     An’ said, “You’ve hit it, Jed.”

“What for?” said Jed. “Becuz,” said Hen,

     “She wuz infected, see?

I ain’t a-goin’ to have no stock

     Infected long with me.”

“How kin you tell, I’d like to know,

     She was infected, Hen;

No one kin tell, I don’t believe,

     Except them guv’ment men.”

“How kin I tell? I guess I know

     Infection, yes sir-ee;

She coughed her cud up yesterday,

     And that’s enough for me.”

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“The cup that cheers would be all right ef that wuz the end uv it.”

______

Street Primer

Do you see the Actor?

He is coming up the Street. All the World’s a Stage, and sometimes the Actor performs Outside the Theatre.

He has a Hunted look in his Eye. No, he is not Game, Little One, he Merely has a Few creditors on his Trail.

The great Coat with the Fur collar keeps him Warm; it also Keeps him in a Job. The Manager has no Use for the Actor who has No great Coat with a Fur collar. His Hair is Long so the Fur collar won’t Chafe his Neck.

Why does the Actor keep his Lips moving and Strike his Heart with his right Hand? Has he Heart failure or Heart throbs?

Neither; he is Rehearsing with Himself for a Love scene in his next Play.

Does the Actor get Paid for Working Overtime?

No; but he is Happy if he gets Paid for Working any of the Time.

(P.S. The Actor, like Lots of others, Works when he Works, and Works when he Plays.)

______

Afoot or Horseback

“Pay as you go” is good advice,

          Approved by any gavel;

But were it followed out I fear

          There’d be a slump in travel.

______

A Musical Hit

Alas! She thought that she could sing –

  How many there are like her;

Her neighbors thought that something else

  Than thought most ought to strike her.

____________

March 8, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Elusive Spring

We cannot hurry spring along

     By writing dainty sonnets;

Nor will she hasten her approach

     To greet be-flowered bonnets.

The children of the earth may coax

     In accents strong and steady;

Fair spring will grant her presence here

     When she gets good and ready.

Nor will the auto painted fresh

     And bright for springtime touring,

Or light canoe upon the bank

     Or on the stream alluring,

Or e’en the signs “Keep off the Grass”,

     The slightest bit affect her;

She will not hump herself because

     We want her and expect her.

The anxious housewife, broom in hand

     And head tied up, awaits her;

The baseball fan, who wants to dance

     And shout again, berates her.

But she, elusive, fanciful,

     Holds off to chide and tease us;

She will not come a day too soon,

     Although she knows ‘twill please us.

We cannot hurry spring at all

     By songlets or by sonnets;

Nor will she hasten her approach

     To greet ye mammoth bonnets.

In fact, we dread to have her see

     Such millinary gearing;

For fear that she might reverse her mind

     And cancel her appearing.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“The ruster wakes up fust, but it is merely to let the hens know it is time to git out an’ scratch.”

______

The Query Box

Mabel X. – What does the word “Cabriolet” mean, and what has it to do with the sweet, new spring hats?

The word “Cabriolet.” up to the time a certain hat designer had a nightmare and fell out of bed, meant a he-goat or a she-goat, or, in its broadest sense, any old goat that was wild. A second definition of the same word, handed out to us by the specialist, Noah W., is “a one-horse pleasure carriage with two seats having a calash top and a covering for the arms and legs.”

Now that the hat jugglers have seized upon the heretofore modest and unassuming word, and have tacked it upon their new, immodest and assuming spring creations, it has lost its identity. It is a thing of the past, like lots of our old, time-honored institutions. It has suddenly leaped into fame and will take its place along with such words as “strenuous,” “frazzle,” and “bully.”

“Cabriolet” really has nothing to do with the hats you mention. Now, if the people for whom they are intended would take the same attitude – that is, have nothing to do with the hats – there would be more room in the street cars, and the ministers in our various churches would stand a better show of seeing who is who in their half-hidden congregations.

______

Pavement Philosophy

Life is what you make it for somebody else.

If everybody is on the make, how can anybody lose?

A man may not be a nature fakir and still be in the nature of a fakir.

After all, the average woman on a wet day doesn’t hold her skirts as high as the average student turns his trousers on a dry day.

There are nice things about working at journalism – one may pick up a paper and look at it without getting a call-down from the boss.

____________

March 9, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

A Gungawamp Hustler

Folks don’t think I have much to do

       In this here busy town;

They think I pass the hull-day through

       By jest a-sitting round.

It’s lazy folks who criticize

       The things what others do;

That I’m as busy as can be

       I’ll leave it here to you.

I git up early every day,

Say half past nine or ten;

An’ then of course I have to eat,

       An’ have a smoke, an’ then

I have to go an’ git the mail,

       An’ come here to the store

An’ hear the news that’s goin’ round,

       Which takes an hour or more.

An’ then I have to eat again

       An’ have another smoke,

An’ then it’s time to git the mail      

       Again, an’ so I poke

‘Long down the street an’ stop an’ talk –

       You’ve got to be perlite;

An’ by the time I git back home

       It’s comin’ towards night.

If it was only now an’ then

       I wouldn’t care a ding;

But where it’s ev’ry day the same

       It’s hard on me, I jing;

Folks think I don’t have much to do

       But live, but I’ll be bound,

I’d like to have ‘em take a week

       An’ foller me around!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Ev’ry man to his trade, hoss or bricklayin’.”

______

Time, Not Money

The father of this column begs to announce a unique and interesting contest which is open to readers in good standing. He will present a second-hand dollar watch, almost as good as new, to the first person who will send in the best answer to the three following questions:

How far is it to the Bunker Hill monument?

Did Methuselah die before his time?

When a man falls on the ice, does he slip up or down?

To be eligible for the prize answers must be in this office on or before midnight, Boston time, March 1, 1919. Please write on one side of the paper only, and leave as large a blank space as possible on both sides.

Unless they decline, the judges will be as follows: William D. Kipling. Rudyard Shaw Bernard and Clyde Ade Fitch.

_____

Pavement Philosophy

The man with a wooden leg naturally escapes being accused of having cold feet.

Sometimes when one thinks his troubles are all over they are – the lot.

Where one is gathered together, rubbering, there you will find a multitude also.

Usually men can see more pleasure in a wet day than can women.

Speed in “going like sixty” depends whether you mean dollars or doughnuts.

Isn’t it annoying, when you are trying to hurry along the sidewalk, to find there are others out for the same purpose?

When you begin to find fault with the lagging winter stop and think how you fretted and perspired through the hot days last summer.

______

Calls

He used to call her “central”

     When she’d “number?” on his line;

But later called her “Birdie,”

     As he thought her voice divine.

One day he called her “dearie”,

     And it pleased her, I opine;

Next day she told the office

     That she felt she must resign.

No more she answers “number?”

     On the busy downtown line;

She must be gold of silver,

     For he fondly calls her “mine”.

______

Bohemia

Perhaps there are moments dreamier,

Perhaps there are places creamier,

And I wot there are places gleamier

Than that mystical spot Bohemia.

But I doubt if there are places teemier,

Or rendezvous that are much steamier;

I know that there are none that are seamier,

Than that wonderful, brilliant Bohemia!

______

All in the Answer

Beacon – Is your wife a good cook?

Hill – I have never asked you out to dinner.

______

Inventors, Attention

If poets are born and not made,

    Why don’t some genius splendid

Invent a way to make some, pray,

    And have this error mended?

____________

March 10, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Stand Up

When you’re thrown down by a girl

     Do not land;

Do not get your nerves a-whirl,

     Simply stand.

Do not slide down o’er the brink,

Do not drive yourself to drink;

Stand up, and the maid will think

     You are grand.

When you’re thrown down by your boss,

     Do not fall;

Do not let him see your loss,

     Do not sprawl.

Keep your balance then and there,

Right side up and “mark with care”;

You’ll fit in some other where –

     That is all.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“They’s on’y one thing for the feller to do who gits stuck in a hoss trade, an’ that’s to trade, trade ag-in.”

______

A Quick Lunch

Enter,

Set.

Napkin?

  Wet.

Order:

  Mush;

Gobble,

  Rush!

Water,

  Pie;

Exit –

  Fly!

______

The Query Box

Dear Jocosity: I have a little boy 10 years old who says he would like to wrote jokes when he grows up. AS he is very advanced for his age, what would you advise me to do? – Anxious Mother.

We would advise taking the unfortunate youth to a specialist before it is too late. He should be operated upon at once. His humor vein should be tapped and the troublesome foreign matter removed. Then some blood with corpuscles tending toward making him a good blacksmith or a tiller of the soil should be transfused. The specialist can tell you more about the method; we merely throw out the suggestion. In any case, do something to get this wild flight of error out if the boy’s attic.

We heartedly sympathize with you, madam. Our parents went through practically the same anxiety. We were taken to a corpuscle specialist; but, alas! he got his corpuscles mixed, and instead of transfusing the blacksmith corpuscles, we got an overdose of spring-poetry corpuscles, and the result has been awful. Our parents aged before their time, and we have been barred from desirable circles ever since. Be sure you take your boy to a reliable corpuscle mixer.

______

Cheaper Than Paint

Caller – There’s nothing on this big, white canvas except a few black marks; what’s it all about?

Artist – Snow scene, my boy.

______

True to Name

Beacon – Money talks.

Hill – I didn’t know his name was “Money.”

Beacon – Whose?

Hill – Your barber’s.

______

Auto Show

If autos don’t make good this spring it won’t be because they haven’t had a good show.

____________

March 11, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Boat Builder

Jed Martin started in to build

     A boat ten years ago;

He laid the keel an’ got the ribs

     All set up in a row.

An’ then she seemed to hang right there,

     An’ didn’t ‘pear to grow;

An’ askin’ Jed, he simply said:

     “The styles are changin’ so.

“I ain’t agoin’ to finish off

     Until I know jest how

They’re goin’ to have their sharpies built

     Well, say, six months from now.

They’re changin’ models ev’ry year –

     How kin a feller know?

Best thing for me is to wait an’ see,

     The styles are changin’ so.”

“I ain’t in much of any sweat

     About the la’nchin’, so

I’ll drive a nail in now an’ then,

     An’ work her purty slow.”

An’ so he waited, year by year,

     An’ loafed about the while,

An’ kept her there all bleached an’ bare,

     To get a latest style.

Bill Jones he got disgusted with

     The waitin’ year by year,

An’ says, “I’d kinder like to put

     A flea, Jed, in your ear.

You ain’t obleeged to wait for styles

     Till Tophet’s overthrown;

Don’t let her rot, that boat has got

     A style that’s all her own!”

Jed set an’ thought, an’ thought an’ set,

     An’ scratched away until

The truth flashed on him; then he said:

     “By thunder, you’re right, Bill.

But what gets me,” an’ Jed looked round

     The circle in the store,

“Is why in thunderation you

     Didn’t say that before!”

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“I hev noticed that the dust blows jest the same in the good man’s eye as in the bad one, if he keeps it open.”

______

Street Primer

See the Expressman!

He has an Iron Plate on his Cap and a Pencil behind his Ear. He is not a Pointer or a Setter. He is a Retriever. He fetches and cariies Trunks, Bags and Bundles. His specialty, however, is Trunks. He is a Trunk tester. If the Trunk has four sides, and Top and a Bottom when the Expressman gets through playing Diablo with it, it is a good Trunk.

The Expressman works hard – to break your Trunk. He has a Spite against Trunks because they are the Means by which he gets his Living. Most men try to Break up their Jobs, anyway, so the Expressman is not Alone.

The Expressman is Strong. He can carry a Heavy Trunk up Ten flights of Stairs without Resting.He is Sorry there are not More stairs, because he Likes to Show you how Strong he is. He will Carry the Baby Carriage up at the Same time if you Ask him to.

No, Little One, the Trunk factories do Not pay the Expressman for Finishing Trunks. What put such a Silly Notion in your Head?

(P.S. Oftimes a Trunk is Heavier than it Need be, and the Expressman has a Way all his Own of letting you Know that he Knows.)

______

Pity Wasted

Mrs. Todd – Isn’t it a pity that so famous a ball player should be brought home such a wreck?

Mr. Todd – He warn’t no ball player; he was only the umpire.

______

Not Now, but Soon

Soon will ye little busy bee,

       Ye little honey bringer,

Improve each shining hour in glee

       By using of his stinger.

____________

March 12, ‘09

Friday

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Graft

There’s graft in this and graft in that,

     And graft most everywhere;

And were it possible, I fear

     They’d be graft in sun and air.

But there are some of life’s estates

     Where graft is needed sore;

Some graft in kindness, by the way,

     The world would welcome more.

Good humor, too, would stand a merge

     Without a costly fine,

And truth would stand some more of graft

     All up and down the line.

So, brothers, in life’s busy whirl,

     Let up a moment, please,

And get some kindness, truth and fun,

     And graft in some of these.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“When you git to the crossroads an’ don’t know which way to turn, don’t turn.”

______

Time, Not Money Contest

1 – How far is it to the Bunker Hill monument?

2 – Did Methuselah die before his time?

3 – When a man falls on the ice does he slip up or down?

Among the many letters received thus far in answer to the three questions in this unique educational contest, described in the issue of March 10, the following holds the place of honor:

1 – “Just one-half the length of the round trip.”

2 – “No one is dead sure.”

3 – “It’s a toss-up.”

Boston                                JOE KERR

I hope to have the second-hand dollar watch on exhibition in the near future in the window of a downtown store.

______

Pavement Philosophy

Oft-times the man with the most snap in him is the one who is most likely to break.

The man who doesn’t turn to look after a pretty woman is more blind than he who cannot see.

It has been discovered that the hen crosses the street for the purpose of relieving the ennui of passing automobilists.

If the new “Cabriolet” hat isn’t worn perfectly straight there is much danger of milady’s losing her balance and toppling to the pavement.

You don’t have to hunt up a white post anymore to tell where the cars stop – look for the dead or dying cigars and cigarettes on the ground.

______

Citizen T. R.

T. R. has joined the latest fad,

     The Standing-Up brigade;

No more for him the special car

     Is out upon parade.

He travelled through N. Y. this week

     An ordinary jog;

But no one saw him in the car,

     Because he was in-cog.

______

The Press

(“The Press is too much with us.” –Austin Dobson.)

O, fie on you, Austin Dobson,

     For writing of such stuff,

That “The Press is too much with us,”

     ‘Tisn’t with us half enough.

How would we know the bargains,

     Say, in books that you have writ,

If we didn’t scan the papers,

     And be daily told of it?

What’s the matter, Austin Dobson,

     Both with you and with the Press?

Won’t they print your clever verses?

     What’s the cause of your distress?

Nay, I think you are in error,

     ‘Tisn’t with us half enough;

Were it scarcer, tell us, Austin,

     What would happen to with our stuff?

______

Hen’s Turnout

Hank Stubbs – Guess Hen Holler got stuck when he traded for that old skate he’s drivin’.

Bige Miller – That’s what; never knowed Hen yit to drive a good bargain.

______

In New York

Employer – You don’t know beans.

Clerk – I beg your pardon, sir, but I worked in Boston four years.

______

To a Hop’ Toad

Hello, Mister Hop’ Toad, how do you do?

     If you had not have gotten underfoot

     And nearly met you death beneath my boot,

‘Tis doubtful if I would have noticed you,

So very small are you, and dull your hue.

     Whence came you, Hopper, and what for, pray tell?

     You are not beautiful you know right well,

     And as for “poetry of motion”, whew!

You bring me naught but warts, although

     They say on bugs you are exceeding game,

     But I have never seen you catch the same.

You are a croaker; all you do or know

     Is in the line of swelling up, so go

     And hop back to the hop-bed whence you came!

______

Not Good for Submarines

“The mermaids are very much disturbed over the new spring millinery.”

“Indeed?”

“Yes; they say they can’t get the new ‘Cabriolets’ under the water.

____________

March 13, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Elevator Man

All day the elevator man

     Throughout the busy town,

In nasal tones inquires if we

     Are going up or down.

‘Tis easy then, the way is there,

     We quickly must decide;

The gate is swing, we’re “all aboard”,

     And started on our ride.

Sometimes it strikes a deeper note

     As commonplaces can

We ponder o’er the words of him,

     The elevator man,

And in the broader walks of life,

     Both in and out of town,

We wonder if we’re going up,

     Or are we coming down.

‘Tis well to halt, once in a while,

     Life’s rushing caravan,

And ponder o’er the words of him,

     The elevator man.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“In makin’ your mark in the world, be perfectly sure that it won’t turn out a disfiggeration.”

______

A Spring Poem

The sun is getting higher, and the mud is growing dryer, while the buds are surely bursting on the sunny hillside trees; the boys have lost their skating, but the birds have gone to mating, and the low and drowsy humming is arising from the bees. Now there can be no mistaking, Nature surely is awaking, she is smiling all around us like the treasure that she is; now the frogs are croaking shrilly in the marshes damp and chilly, and the dust besmothered housewives they are getting down to biz.

The hen is not forgettin’ that it is time to go too settin’, and the rooster is up mornings for to get the early worm; the boys and girls are scorning sulphur ‘n’ ‘lasses in the morning, but the mother makes ‘em swallow though they kick and dance and squirm. In the school the hours are dragging, and the lessons they are lagging, for the boys can see the meadows where the brooklets purl and sing; and each step is slow and lazy, and the disposition ‘s lazy, for they’ve got that tired feeling that is dodgeless in the spring.

______

Street Primer

Who is the man Standing in the Door?

The man is an Auctioneer.

What is an Auctioneer?

An Auctioneer is a man who Sells you Something you don’t Want cheaper than you could Get it somewhere else for Nothing.

What is the Auctioneer saying?

The Auctioneer is saying: “Comeingents and don’tstandinthedoorwayandblockitup howmuchamIoffer-edforthisimportedvase itcostonehundreddollarsIsayONE-HUNDREDDOLLARS gimmeadollargimmeadollar gim-meadollargoinggoinggoing goneatfiftycentsyoufellows-makemeSICK!”

Doesn’t the Auctioneer speak English?

Yes, the Auctioneer speaks Auction-English. It is a Language you can’t Understand until you have been Stung.

How can the Auctioneer Live and Lose so Much Money?

The Auctioneer Lives because other People Lose so much Money.

(P.S. – As a talking Mechanical device the Auctioneer had the Phonograph beaten to a Spring Rug.)

______

A Winning Hand

“When are hearts trumps?” she shyly asked,

     In accents soft and low,

The while her eyes fell under mine,

     Beneath the lamp’s soft glow.

I threw away my hand just then,

     And seized her own sublime;

“Why, ‘hearts are trumps’, or ought to be,”
I whispered, “all the time.”

______

Life’s Kinetoscope

My, what a funny world this is!

        Things get reversed, you see;

The Possum’s got the Teddy Bear

        Up a persimmon tree.

______

Wayside Relief Station

Hungry Hank – Would you kindly help to relieve de sufferin’s of a poor but proud feller creature, mam?

Aunt Peggy – W’at be you sufferin’ from?

Hungry Hank – Lack of relief, mam.

______

Epicurean Epigrams

Prunes taste better than they sound.

From some kinds of preserves preserve us.

Onions make their own way; they don’t have to be advertised.

Bottled sunshine sometimes turns out to be uncorked tempest.

It’s a question whether the person who craves olives has good taste or none.

It’s not good taste to smack your lips; the good taste comes from smacking the lips of others.

____________

March 14, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Meller Days

Can’t help feelin’ kind o’ pert

     Meller days like these;

If a feller’s grouchy now

     He is hard to please.

Sun is drawin’ good an’ hard,

     Feel it in my knees;

All the good that’s in you spreads,

     Meller days like these.

Jest admire the hull dern world,

     Kindness everywhere;

Like to shin up to the sky,

     ‘N’ see how ‘tis up there.

Ol’ cat stratched out on the steps,

     Bluebirds in the trees;

Ain’t it good to be alive

     Meller days like these!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“It is jest as well not to be up to date if you have got to be up to ev’rything that goes with it.”

______

The Food Fountain

Have you ever noticed what a scramble the hotels and restaurants are having to keep up with the soda fountains in regard to meals? By and by the hotel will be merely a sleeping place and the restaurant a headquarters for cigars and cigarettes – and “waiters.” The Food Fountain is fast coming to the front as an extra-quick-lunch-meals-at-all-hours producer. It has hot meals for the winter and cold meals for the summer.

Meals are always on draught, most of them may be taken through a straw. Liquid refreshment is no longer the soda fountain’s long suit. Solids in great profusion and confusion may be procured. Eggs in almost any form are laid before you by request. Ham hasn’t made its appearance, but it is on the way. Oyster, clam and mussel bouillons will soon give way to full course shore dinners. Live fish will start in at the cellar and come out of the nozzle upstairs boiled or broiled in the most up-to-date manner.

The old-fashioned New England boiled dinner is already a fact; it masquerades under the name of “Banana Royal” or “Banana Split,” according to your bringing up. All kinds of nuts and fruits are on tap, and as soon as the apparatus is completed whereby meat and vegetables may be brought sizzling through the mellifluous nozzles, the Food Fountain will have been brought into a state of perfection. By the aid of the Food Fountain the man-in-a-hurry may eat at the table, or on foot, or on the spur of the moment.

______

An Escalator Romance

I met her on the escalator,

She coming up, I going down;

Our glances met, a look inviting

Flashed from her merry eyes of brown.

My fate was sealed in that brief moment,

Love was at last my life to crown;

I passed her on the escalator,

     And she was up and I was down.

Again we took the escalator,

     I’d started up, she’d started down;

Again we passed, the same sweet story

     I read within her eyes of brown.

Down, down I went and sought the vision,

     Alas, she rode not anymore!

And with a grouch at moving stairways

     I fled the escalator floor.

______

Good for Mother

“My mother made me!” he exclaimed,

          “Now everybody hark –

My mother made me, yes, she did,

          She made me toe the mark.”

______

A Labor Problem

I do not like to work at all,

     I’m lazy some, I guess;

And yet if I have none to do,

     I’m apt to like it less.

______

Rural Artistic Temperament

Hank Stubbs – What’s that feller doin’ down in your medder, paintin’ landscape?

Bige Miller – No, spilin’ it.

______

A Spring Argument

Clerk – What’s the use in having a fishing rod if I can’t use it?

Employer – Sell it.

____________

March 15, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Song of the New Horse

The auto now tied in its dark, dingy stall

     Is stamping and snorting and wailing;

It wants to be harnessed for good and for all

     And go down the avenues sailing.

It pulls at its halter and chafes at delay,

     And whinnies whenever you near it;

So take off its halter and give it its way,

     For the country is waiting to hear it.

             For the auto likes to snort,

             Likes to caper and cavort,

Likes to kick its heels and gambol where the country stock is feeding

             Likes to forge ahead or back,

             Jump a bridge or railroad track,

Then go hiking o’er the highways like a busy rocket speeding.

It’s time it was groomed and all sleeked for the run,

     And harnessed for long distance driving;

The highways are fairly well dried by the sun,

     And business and pleasure reviving.

So out with the flyer and off for a dash –

     First feed it and shoe it and dock it;

Then dig your spurs deeply and give it the lash,

     And mount your new gasoline rocket.

             For the auto likes to dance,

             Likes to two-step and prance,

Likes to drive the world before it, signs and officers eluding;

             Likes to limber up and scoot,

             Likes to whistle, honk and toot,

Then go down the dusty arches with its wild eyeballs protruding.

______

Street Primer

Quick! Come to the window, Little One, and look out.

Something is moving along the Sidewalk. It is Large and Round and resembles the Great Dipper upside Down. The Dipper has lost its Handle, but in its place is an enormous Spread Eagle. Around the edge of the Dipper is a Flower garden Inlaid with Vegetables. A row of Currant bushes serve as a Hedge around the Outside, but they grow Downward instead of Upward. There are also a Few hills of Squashes and Beans on the Dipper, and if we were Close enough, doubtless we could See little Cucumbers climbing up the Trellises.

No, it is not the Vegetable man under the Dipper, Little One; it is a Lady who Loves Nature. She thinks so Much of her Garden patch that she will not Leave it at home, but takes it with Her. It is Known as the new Cabriolet Garden, and Blooms in the Winter time.

You cannot find it in the Seed catalogues because it is so Hard to Grow.

(P.S. Imitation is the Sincerest Flattery. Mother Nature must be More than Pleased with her Imitators.)

______

Father Goose

There was a man in our town,

     And he was wondrous wise;

He jumped into a mining scheme

     Up to his very eyes.

And when he found out that he was “out,”

     With all his might and mind

He jumped out of the scheme again,

     But left his pile behind.

______

Jungle Note

If Mr. Roosevelt meets the fate in Africa predicted for him by Dr. Starr, then Dr. Starr will at once become a great man. If T.R. returns, smiling and victorious, as everyone hopes will be the case, then Dr. Starr will lose his reputation as a prophet, but will otherwise remain uninjured now that the big stick has been cut into kindlings.

______

Honk, C.Q.D.

A wise old chap is Otto Honk,

     An automobile star;

He’s had a wireless pole installed

     Upon his motor car.

And now when he is out of “biz,”

     In lonesome wood or lea,

He can obtain assistance quick

     By sending “C.Q.D.”

______

Pavement Philosophy

A maiden is always in good form providing she has one.

If your face is your fortune, be careful how you invest it.

Some borrowed pennies must be bad, since, alas! they never return.

The heavier a man’s roll the more lightly doth he trip along.

Cold cash, oddly enough, seems to be the thing necessary for warming the cold-fingered person.

Sometimes you will discover that there are more than two sides to the question if you find it necessary to obtain the consent of the girl’s papa.

____________

March 16, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Song of the Plough

Up in the morning at break of day,

Rubbing the horses and feeding hay;

Swinging the doors of the cattle stalls,

Answering the low and plaintive calls.

A friendly welt on old “Black” and “Spot”,

Turning them loose in the pasture lot;

Heading them outward to laze and graze –

These are the hurrying ploughman’s days.

                Then it’s rip, rip, rip,

                       Through the tangled sod and soil;

                And it’s drip, drip, drip,

                       From the steaming span a-toil.

                But the plough goes forward steady

                       Since the glow of early morn;

                And the cheery ploughman’s ready

                       For the welcome dinner horn.

Stuck in the furrow its shining blade,

The plough is left when the halt is made,

The horses tug at the well-gripped rein,

Anxious for stall and fodder again.

A welcome home – and dinner o’er,

A story told at the old back door;

Another tug at the clanking chains –

The turf grows small and the furrow gains.

                Then it’s rip, rip, rip,

                       Through the tangled sod and soil;

                And it’s drip, drip, drip,

                       From the hardy son of toil.

                But the plough goes forward steady,

                       Till the sun sinks in the west;

                And the weary ploughman’s ready

                       For the fireside and rest.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“A swelled head may grow from two causes, but in either case it’s a nuisance on your shoulders.”

______

Tipitis

Are you suffering from Tipitis? (Pronounced “tippeetis.”) It is going round. It has been going round for several years, but of late it has become epidemic in character, and if it continues to spread, nearly every man who requires public service is in danger of losing his character. Tipitis is a disease of the pocket, and was started by somebody who ought to have a monument erected to his obscurity.

The tipitis germ is found principally in hotels, restaurants, railroad trains and stations, barber shops and shoe shineries. It attacks you immediately upon the performance of any service rendered for which you have already paid. Some one asks, “Can’t you evade the germ?” You cannot; it is in the air. It is all around you; front of you, back of you and over your head. Sometimes you can dodge it by closing your eyes and rushing blindly past its outstretched claws, but you feel mean ever afterward. It has its eye upon you, and you may never get away from its spell.

Ours would be a jolly country were it not for tipitis. We would be millionaires ere it were too late if we could but rid ourselves of the tipitis octopus. It is the skeleton in our financial closet. We begin at home by tipping the baby to keep him quiet. Frequently we tip the better half of our establishment in order that that portion may continue its superiority. Of course it does. Then come the shavers, shiners, waiters, drivers and so on, and by the time heaven’s noblest creation gets back to his own fireside he has spent 35 cents for necessities, while the aforesaid germ has relieved him of four times the amount. But stay! If the tipitis germ were knocked out, then we should become millionaires. That would be selfish on our part. No, there’s no remedy in sight.

______

Up and Doing

Doing unto others as

You’d have them do to you

Doesn’t mean for you to do them

      As you think you ought to do.

______

As to Rods

That “spare the rod and spoil the child”,

     Is good advice some folks agree;

But here’s a chance for argument,

     It has most always seemed to me.

The Scripture fails to designate

     The kind of rod we shouldn’t spare;

If it means fish-rods then I think

     The argument is pretty fair.

______

Rare as a Day in June

Aunt Peggy – Split up that pile of wood an’ I’ll give you a rare treat.

Hungry Hen – What’ll it be, mam?

Aunt Peggy – Pickles an’ salt pork.

______

More Modern

Beacon – Huh! He isn’t a drop in the bucket –

Hill – You mean water meter.

____________

March 17, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Uncle Ezra Says:

“A good many men are willin’ to put their shoulders to the wheel if they kin borry somebody else’s overcoat.”

______

Street Primer

Here comes the Crowd.

Where is the Crowd going?

It isn’t quite Sure, but it Believes it is going Shopping.

Does the Crowd come so Early to do its Shopping?

Yes; it is Bargain Day. The Crowd doesn’t Stop to eat its Breakfast on Bargain day, because if it did Somebody else would Get the Bargains.

What is a Bargain?

A Bargain is Something Marked up or down, as the Case may be, to Suit.

To Suit whom?

To Suit the Merchant and the Crowd. When the Crowd gets a Bargain it is Happy; so is the Merchant.

Does the Crowd keep going All day like this?

No, it will Soon be Down Town and become Lost in Itself. It is Easy to Lose a Crowd.

The Crowd seems Good natured.

Yes; it makes the Crowd Good natured to Know it is Going to get Bargains. You should See it going Home.

Does the Crowd go Home again?

Yes; it goes Home with the other Crowd and neither Crowd and neither Crowd can Sit down.

(P.S. – If there were no bargains there would be no Crowd, and if there were no Crowd there would be no Bargains.)

______

An Old Truth Brought Home

Skiggs ran away with Skeggs’ wife,

     Left no address behind;

In course of time Skiggs envied Skeggs

     And had a change of mind.

Skeggs advertised, Skiggs sent her back,

     Herein the moral lies:

Skiggs now believes – not so with Skeggs –

     It pays to advertise.

______

Expression

Beacon – Why does Rackitt talk so much with his hands?

Hill – Believes actions speak louder than words.

______

The New Way

Johnnie – Tommy Jackson slapped me on the cheek.

Mother – Did you turn the other cheek to him?

Johnnie – No, I pushed both of his until they came together.

______

A Hopeless Cause

Humorist – There’s no use grinding out more jokes about women’s big hats.

Editor – Why not?

Humorist – They’ve steadily increased in size ever since we took it up.

____________

March 18, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Lay Of the Hen

“The spring has come, it’s time to hatch

     Ideas and egglets too;

All winter long, in rain or shine,

     I’ve laid right in for you.

Now please go ‘way and let me ‘lone,

     Yours truly please forget;

I’m tired of laying all the while

     I want to stop and set.

“O, kut, kut, kerdocket!

     Look down here in my pocket;

I’ve got twelve eggs around my legs,

     O, kut, kut, kerdocket!

“Come round and see me in two weeks,

     And see what I have done;

I’ll show a dozen little chicks

     All sitting in the sun.

I’m tired of laying something by

     For rainy days, you bet.

I cannot stand it any more,

     Please, sir, I’ve got to set.

“O, kut, kut, kerdocket!

     I want to set, don’t block it;

Don’t you forget I’m set on set,

     O, kut, kut, kerdocket!”

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“It is all right to air your opinions, but your neighbor has a parfect right to look after the ventilation.”

______

The Goblin Press

There is an awful Goblin, it

     Gives me an awful fright;

It’s got an awful stomach and

     An awful appetite.

The Goblin’s awful hungry, and

     Just gobbles day and night;

Just grins and eats and gobbles up

     Just all a chap can write.

______

Pavement Philosophy

A light-colored suit should be brushed occasionally on principle.

When a dog has a bone he doesn’t want he buries it, Even a dog has a savings bank.

The big sticks will continue to be whittled in country groceries just the same.

Don’t step on the boy’s marbles; doubtless you are playing games that are just as bothersome to others.

It is easy to understand what lures the fish, but what is it that lures the fisher?

When a pretty girl holds her muff close to her face and looks over it, straight at you, it’s 10 to 1 you muff.

______

Marchy

The funniest thing that ever I see

The funniest thing, it seems to me,

Was a wild March day not long ago,

When everything was on the “go,”

And a man came down the street; ‘kerspat!”

Away went his brand-new derby hat.

The funniest thing was not to see

Him chasing the hat, O, no sir-ee,

The funniest thing the fat man did

Was to put his foot right through the lid!

______

Where Silence is Golden

Beacon – Is Ryder a man who keeps his word?

Hill – He must be; he never gives it.

______

Familiarity Breeds Contempt

Beacon – I shouldn’t want to work in a bank.

Hill – Why not?

Beacon – I’m afraid I’d see so much money I’d learn to hate the sight of it.

____________

March 19, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Fame

When he started writing verses

     Called himself a poet he;

Writing for the village papers

     With amazing frequency.

When he branched a bit and added

     To his literary fame

It was then he signed, resplendent,

     “Poet-author” to his name.

When he really got to writing,

     “Judge” and “Puck” and “Life” his list,

He was known to the profession

     Simply as a humorist.

When he settled on a daily,

     And his real life-work began,

All his classic titles tumbled

     Down to just “the funny man”.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“If you are saddest when you sing it is probably becuz ev’rybuddy else is feelin’ the same way.”

______

Street Primer

A Salesman is coming down the street, following a Cigar. The Cigar is in his Mouth.

He has a Hand-bag Full of Samples and a System full of Stories. He gets Rid of the Stories first, then sees what he can Do with the Samples if there is any Time left.

The Salesman has a Prosperous Air about him. That is because trying the Sell something. If he were trying to Buy something he would Drop the Prosperous Air.

He works on a Commission, and on his Customers’ feelings. Sometimes he is called a Drummer. He is not necessarily a Musician, although he Plays pretty well on one String.

Now he is going to Stop to get a Bumper. The Bumper will be put on the List of Expenses under another Name.

Why does he take a Bumper?

Because he Bumps against so many People that he feels it necessary to land Easily.

What is a Bumper?

Really, Little One, you are asking Questions.

(P.S. – As a Monologist the Average Salesman has the Buzz-saw Vaudevillian Guessing.)

______

As Humorists See It

A LITTLE KISSING

A little kissing,

          Now and then,

Is why we have

The married men.

- Birmingham (Ala.) Age-Herald

A little kissing

          Too, of course,

Is why we have

          The quick divorce.

              –Chicago Record Herald

A little kissing’s   

          Lot’s of fun

If you can kiss

          The proper one.

                    – Cleveland Leader

A little kissing’s

          Not enough;

A lot of kissing –

          That’s the stuff!

______

Coolness Will Come High

The calla of course is a nice plant,

    The rubber plant is an old, old story;

What woman should have is an ice plant

    In her next summer’s conservatory.

______

Domestic Sympathy

Mrs. Peck – I’m so nervous it seems as though I could fly!

Mr. Peck – You ought to join the aero club.

____________

March 20, ‘09

  

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Cleaning Time

It is time to clean your office,

     It is time to clean your store;

It is time to clean your windows,

     And your ceiling and your floor.

Time to dust your musty bookshelves,

     And your pictures on the walls;

Time to air your musty heirlooms

     And your dark, ancestral halls.

Open wide the doors and windows,

     Let the air and sunshine in;

Never mind the wild disorder,

     Never mind the crash and din.

Get the broom and duster working,

     From the cellar to the roof;

So that dainty maiden summer

     Will show nothing of reproof.

And with all your springtime cleaning,

     In your office, home and store,

Do not let that satisfy you,

     There is just one corner more.

Open up your upper story,

     Where the good and bad are rife;

Give your mind a good spring cleaning –

     Needs it, I will bet your life.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“All things come to him that waits, but they come a good deal quicker to her.”

______

Metz, the Wakeful

“Four hours’ sleep in enough for any man,” says Herman A. Metz, comptroller of New York city.

A happy hand should be extended to Herm, for his brave assertion. Many people have believed the same thing for years, but have never dared say so for publication. Had they dared to express their thoughts in their early days their parents would have said: “Aha! Whyfore?” and if they had indulged such thoughts in their later days their helpmeets would have followed in the parents’ footsteps.

By actual figures a time specialist finds that he has 29,200 hours of wakefulness coming to him. Figuring from the time he was old enough to stay out nights to the present, considering eight hours a nominal figure, he has wasted four hours a night for 20 years. Therefore, he claims the above number of hours honestly due him for a period of wakefulness, and he assures his friends that there will be something doing during the next 1208 days.

The discovery of this man, who holds the big stick over New York city, will be a blessing in many ways. For example: The new, overworked father who has been walking the floor nightly for several hours at a walk, need worry no more about being robbed of sleep. He doesn’t need it, according to Herm’, but can devote four of those hitherto dreaded hours ungrudgingly to “toodles.”

The industrious clerk who is anxious to reach his office earlier mornings, and he is numerous, may arise at 2 instead of 7, without menacing his health.

The man in the boarding house, who is invariably kept awake by the snoring of his neighbor across the hall, can now get up and with contented mind read “Reports from Africa” during the snoring cataclysm.

And last of all, the policeman, he who has hitherto felt the need of a little extra sleep in some sequestered doorway, will know that he has been cheating himself and that hereafter he may beat it up and down with perfect impunity. Come again, Herm’.

______

The New Game of Button

(Called “500.”)

“Button, button, who’s got the button?”

     Your wife, if she’s up to date.

“Button, button, who’s got the button?”

     You – may the Lord help your fate!

______

It’s All in the Laugh

“Laugh and the whole world laughs with you.”

“Smile” and the world crowds round you.

Tee-hee and the world pities you.

Giggle and the world despises you.

Chuckle and the world envies you.

Roar and the world criticizes you.

Grin and the world suspects you.

Smirk and the world tires of you.

Scowl and the world forgets you.

______

Ran’ Should Have Run

Hank Stubbs – Ran’ Potter an’ his wife had a fallin’ out, didn’t they?

Bige Miller – As I understand it Ran’ was the on’y one who went down.

______

Aero Lunch

Hubb – Food is getting on a high plane nowadays.

Cobb – Yes; only yesterday I saw a giraffe eating out of an airship.

______

Testimony

Beacon – I believe Sousa is right; music is on the up.

Hill – What makes you think so?

Beacon – I haven’t heard the “Merry Widow Waltz” for a month.

____________

March 21, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

A Good Fellow

My friend is a good, good fellow,

     Whatever you say of him;

You may call him cheap and yellow,

     And shiftless up to the brim.

He’s white, he’s true and he’s worthy,

     I shall stick to him through ill;

What more can I say? Condemn him you may,

     He’s a good, good fellow still.

The world looks on a “good fellow”

     As easy, and weak, and slow;

Lax, unambitious and mellow

     Without any snap or go.

Perhaps there are such, I know not,

     My friends are good fellows all;

They’ve plenty of grit, and shrewdness and wit,

     And keep far out from the wall.

Ah! give me a good, good fellow,

     Whatever the world may say;

His heart, not his head is mellow,

     I know where he stands today.

Good-hearted and kind and gentle,

     A fighter when treated ill;

The world may deride, but cannot decide –

     Give me a good fellow still!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Marryin’ fur money is bad enough, but it’s a good deal wuss when you don’t git it.”

______

An Early Note

With the bluebird comes spring.

With spring comes cleaning.

With cleaning comes work.

With work comes

Tiredness.

Hang the

Blue-

Bird.

!!

______

Street Primer

See the man with the Sharp nose.

He also has Sharp Eyes. He can See right into your pocket and tell if you have Money concealed about your Person. If there is no Money there he is too Busy to Talk with you,

He carries a Green Bag.

What is the Green Bag for?

It is to put your Money in; also your Case. You will never see Either one again.

When people are Normal they Shy the Green Bag, but when they are in Trouble they like to Look at it. It gives them Courage, but nothing more.

What does the Green Bag do?

Everything that Falls into it. Keep out of the Green Bag if you can.

Why is the Bag Green?

Because it typifies the Long.

(P.S. Watch your hat and overcoat. The man with the Green Bag isn’t Responsible for anything that is Missing.)

______

Storm Brewing

Fuss – Did you ever hear Gadby say anything particular about me?

Russ – No; he never was very particular what he said about you.

______

Spring Flowers

That April showers

Bring forth May flowers

Of course there’s no denying;

They also bring

Financial sting

When a fellow goes out a-buying.

______

Dead and Alive Celebrities

Sit up and take notice. Jim Jeffries is in town. It looks like a big week. There have been three Jeffs in history – Thomas Jefferson, Jefferson Davis and Jim Jeffries, facial artist. Thomas Jefferson was a statesman. Jeff Davis was a southerner. Jim Jeffries is a fighter. Jim says he would rather be a live pugilist than a dead issue. Jim is a hard hitter. When he hits a truth it goes home – if there is anything left of it.

______

A Slight Difference

“Grasper is out of town, I hear.”

“Yes; he’s down in Washington.”

“Visiting?”

“Well, no; appointmenting.”

____________

Mar. 22, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

There’s a Way

If you want to do what’s right,

             There’s a way;

If you want a pathway bright,

             There’s a way.

If you want it dark and drear,

Sorrow in the atmosphere,

Drowning everything that’s dear,

             There’s a way.

If you want to corner fame,

             There’s a way;

If you want to play the game,

             There’s a way.

If you want to travel fast,

With a gait that cannot last,

With your flag at centre mast,

             There’s a way.

If you want to rob a friend,

             There’s a way;

If you’ve got a “ten” to lend,

             There’s a way.

If you’re broke and on the rack,

Creditors upon your track,

And you want that ten-spot back,

             There’s no way.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“The big fish wouldn’t eat up the little fish ef the little fish would stay in the shaller water where the big fish can’t git.”

______

Pavement Philosophy

It may be all right to “go slow,” but be sure to hurry back.

When you go through a revolving door be sure you don’t leave it ajar.

Talk is cheap; it takes something more to make a good Easter showing.

Everybody can’t be on the band wagon, but about everybody likes to hear the band.

If one little piece of veiling makes a woman prettier, what effect would many have?

If you are not dead sure when you are licked, doubtless the other fellow can tell you.

Sometimes when you think you are sidestepping something you are getting right in its way.

Keeping up with the procession isn’t quite enough; you want the procession to get into your step.

______

Grand Opera Note

To Salome or not to Salome, that’s the question that is bothering Oscar Hammerstein, contractor and builder of Grand Opera. Oscar says if Boston people en masse want Salome they can have it (or her), in the rough, or polished down. He simply wants an expression, and he will bring over the goods.

For the most part, people are too busy to write letters on the subject (being unfamiliar with it), and there are so many points to be considered. Also it is too late to get the polling booths in place to vote upon it, but it is suggested that those who want Salome shall gather in Public Garden, and those who won’t have Salome at any figure shall congregate on the Common where they may stand up and be counted.

On second thought it would be better the other way round, for it is doubtful if the Public Garden would accommodate all the “ayes”.

______

Spring Remedy

If you’ve got that tired feelin’

     That comes on about this season,

Why, of course, there’s no denying

     That there’s bound to be a reason.

But there is a way to shake it

     From your system, bone an’ muscle;

Don’t set down and sozzle bitters,

     Git up early, folks, an’ hustle!

____________

March 23, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Rushing The Season

Ol’ mud turkle crawled out in the sun,

Say from half-past twelve to half-past one;

He set on a log an’ almost froze,

An’ ketched a big cold way up his nose.

A cold March wind whistled down the crick,

Ol’ mud turkle he warn’t dressed very thick;

Said to himself, with a cheerless smile:

“Guess I will go back in for a while!”

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Ofuntimes a black sheep is several shades lighter than the folks who are puttin’ on the color.”

______

A Pedestrian Couplet

Diligently digging day by day

Weston wearily wends his western way.

______

Epicurean Epigrams

He who eats in a hurry repents in an office.

One cannot always eat and be merry; the food won’t allow it.

Good cheer is necessary around the board, but the system needs something for dessert.

Washing down food is a quick way to get through a meal; also under the doctor’s care.

All is not gold that glitters in the butter dish; sometimes it may be a black one or a gray.

“Look not upon the wine when it is red,” but, of course, if you are color blind your responsibility ceases.

______

High Speed

Two great artists temporarily broken down and out of business, Caruso and Ignace Paderewski. Here is food for thought. If you are a great artist, think it over. If you are not, then you don’t need to think; let someone do it for you. Don’t overwork your abilities. If you can land high B easily and hold it, and can still reach C by bursting a button, better leave the button where it is. If you can earn $50, 000 a year by hammering moderately, and can earn $75,000 by having hot-boxes in your elbows, better take the first named sum and keep the boxes cool.

Then you have others to consider. When you are laid up for repairs, the public, principally the matinee girl, suffers with you. Better run under a moderate head of steam and make fair time. When the boiler bursts the train comes to a complete standstill and you can’t collect any more fares.

______

Answered

Uncle Eban – I’ve bought an automobile an’ I want a heavy skin coat.

Clerk – What fur, sir?

Uncle Eban – To wear, gosh ding it!

______

Tommie’s Information

Waite – Did you ever hear your sister say anything about me?

Tommie – Only once.

Waite – What did she say?

Tommie – Mamma won’t let me use naughty words.

______

Point of View

Beacon – I saw a sheath gown over in New York yesterday.

Hill – Sure you saw the gown?

______

Domestic Dodging

Hank Stubbs – How’s the folks?

Bige Miller – Dunno; ain’t seen ‘em lately.

Hank Stubbs – Ain’t seen ‘em? How’s that?

Bige Miller – House cleanin’; I’m stayin’ out in the barn.

____________

March 24, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Blue

I’m tired of the tubes and tunnels,

     The sway of the reeling car;

I’m tired of the smoking funnels

     Which point to the sky and star.

I’m tired of the endless riot,

     And the noisy avenue;

And long for the peace and quiet

     Out over the hills of blue.

But I have to stay in the city,

     In the sky-hid town instead,

Where commerce has none of pity,

     And dig out my daily bread;

Where it’s dull and dark and tiring,

     With nothing but work in view;

Where nothing would seem inspiring,

     And I feel downcast and blue.

Then I take out my pipe instanter,

     To puff the dull cares away,

When lo! they gather and canter

     Off into the smoky day.

And scenes for which I’ve been longing,

     The hills and the valleys, too,

The streams of my dreams come thronging,

     All framed in the rings of blue.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“It’s all well enough to keep pluggin’ along, but jest watch out an’ don’t let yewself turn intew a plug.”

______

Marked Down Men

“Don’t wed a 15-cent man,” says a Chicago woman who is seeking divorce from her alleged stingy husband. The woman is right. A 15-cent man is altogether too cheap. It is good business for a woman to squeeze herself into a mere mass in order to corral a bargain in a department store, but when it comes to taking a markdown in the shape of a man, something that has got to stand the wear and tear of a long life, that woman should not raid the bargain counter, but look for an article a little higher in price – and quality. A 15-cent man is too cheap. It makes one blush to know that one of his kind was ever put on the 15-cent counter. If he had been so unfortunate to have had a twin brother, doubtless both would have gone two for a quarter.

But it wasn’t the man’s fault wholly. The woman admits that she knew he was a 15-cent man when she married him. She asserts that he had never spent but 15 cents on her, which was for a box of candy. But, like lots of misguided women, she hoped to reform him after marriage. And, like lots of men, he didn’t make good in the reform business. His first mad plunge, that of 15 cents, was his last, hence the wife’s dissatisfaction and subsequent appeal for divorce.

______

Two Historic Commands

“You may open fire, Gridley,”

     Said George, “when you are ready.”

“You may cast off the hawser

     This morning,” says Teddy.

______

A Strap Hangerette

A man on a crowded street car was busily engaged in reading his paper. Apparently he hadn’t raised his eyes during a journey of about three miles. A woman had been swinging to and fro in front of him, clinging desperately to a strap. When the man had finished his paper he looked up and, seeing the woman, gallantly offered her his seat.

“Oh, no, thank you,” she smiled sweetly; “I am almost home, and, besides, I wouldn’t want to rob you of an old friend.”

____________

March 25, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Monopolist

He climbed the ladder of fame with ease,

     And stood on the topmost rung;

And he looked far up in the cloudless seas,

     For he was young.

He yearned to go higher and higher still,

     The summit but made him scoff;

He stood on one foot, as people will,

     And then fell off.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“It may be good teachin’ to turn the other cheek to yewr adversary an’ git it biffed, but my experience hez be’n that it is the best policy to get it out of his way.”

______

Pathetic Mr. Bangs

Mr. John Kendrick Bangs, reformer, gave a serious talk before the members of the Harvard Union on Monday evening. On the subject “Salubrities I Have Met,” he told the Harvard boys how to become good American citizens notwithstanding a college education. Mr. Bangs gained the sympathies at the start and held them to the end of his two hours’ discourse. The author of “The Houseboat on Sticks” is a master of pathos, when he concluded there was scarcely a dry eye in the house.

______

Holes and Bunkers

Golfish – In answer to yours of the same date, would say it is very doubtful if the city fathers would allow your association to play golf on Tremont street after business hours. While it cannot be denied that this thoroughfare between Boylston and Park streets would make an ideal links, yet there are other streets which are in prime condition for the game, where plate glass windows are fewer and smaller, and where the ball could be secured more readily perchance it should be driven to the top of a house.

______

Willie’s Match

Willie found a soldier

     In the dusty street;

Thought he’d like to try it –

     Found a snug retreat.

Willie lit the soldier,

     Took a puff or two!

Willie hates a soldier

     When one comes in view.

______

Picking

Some women are safe from pickpockets,

    Although the pickpockets be thick;

For how can a pick pick a pocket

    When there are no pockets to pick?

______

To the Point

Beacon – Every rose has its thorn.

Hill – Also its price.

______

Grind, Grind, Grind

The mills of the gods grind slowly,

The grind of the job is tame;

It’s early for the grind of the Hurdy,

But it’s grinding just the same.

______

Contrary to Rumor

That Teddy has his stick with him

          Can be established quick;

We know what we are speaking of –

          He has his shaving stick.

______

Truthful When It’s Safe

Customer – I’d like to get this prescription filled.

Druggist – Why don’t you say “bottle filled”? Nobody’s around.

____________

March 26, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Somethin’ Wrong

When a feller’s in the dumps,

Dispersition’s got the mumps,

An’ he thinks he’s down an’ out,

Ambition up the spout,

Pipe tastes bad, an’ fodder, too,

Appetite all knocked askew,

Out of powder, push an’ vim,

There is somethin’ wrong with him.

When a feller’s free as air

With his wealth, an’ doesn’t care

What he spends on need or whim,

There is somethin’ wrong with him.

When he’s tighten’n’ all git out,

Never’ll spend a cent to shout,

Stingy, clean up to the brim,

There is something wrong with him.

When a feller’s happy all

The day whate’er befall,

Smilin’ on the good and bad,

Never feeling mean or sad,

Bubblin’ over to the brim,

There is somethin’ wrong with him.

You will see good neighbors thus,

Somethin’s wrong with all of us.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“It is never too late to mend, but a good many times it pays better to git new.”

______

Verse or Reverse?

Dear Jocosity – Is it an absolute fact that poets are born and not made? Why couldn’t a poet be made same as a doctor or a lawyer? Who is authority for such a sweeping statement as “poets are born and not made”?  – Miss Muserette.

Your question is one that hits the writer right hard. He has long wanted to treat this thought scientifically as well as poetically. It is a tremendous question, one upon which the whole future of poetry, or “not poetry,” hangs. According to many of our critics it has been many hundreds of moons since a real poet opened his eyes upon our beautiful world and murmured “goo goo.”

Now the question naturally arises, “Have the critics a right to say who is a poet and who is not?” The poets, bless their hearts, say “no!” And there you are; simply a case of chasing yourself around the chimney. Who is to decide? The poets won’t agree with the critics, and the world in general doesn’t care enough about either to spend any time in expressing an opinion.

The second step in your question is easily answered. If poets were made as doctors and lawyers are they would, of course, be doctors and lawyers. The writer doesn’t know who is authority for the bold assertion in question, but he suspects it was either Moses or Andrew Carnegie. At any rate, he defies either of them to prove it satisfactory to any half-dozen poets of his acquaintance.

______

Weary Waiting

It may be fun to read about

     Ball games in Tenn. or Texas,

But to my mind those fouls and flies

     Just simply rise to vex us.

What we are wanting most of all

     Is spring to show her dazzle

So we can see ‘em here and yell

     Our fan lungs to frazzle.

______

Sporting Notes

Some people are beginning to realize that it is better to taxicab than to tax a horse.

If Jeff can’t himself into shape by training, perhaps some one on the waiting list can hammer him into the desired model.

It isn’t necessary to sign your name to your request for Salome in Boston, unless you want to. You can use a representative. What Oscar wants is numbers.

______

Pavement Philosophy

A sun bath is a good thing, but sun isn’t everything.

Rubbers shouldn’t be so high; the streets are full of them.

A quick lunch may be a necessity, but suicide is unlawful.

It is harder to fine and convict the Standard Oil than it is to dig up a real poet.

The fountain pen will have reached a state of perfection when it ceases to decorate your fingers.

The safety razor may stand on its own merits, but no one can deny there’s a pull attached to it.

______

I. O. U. or U. O. Me?

Wouldn’t we owed ones

    Be right in clover

If each one was squared up

    When “Lent” is over?

______

Perhaps He’s Sore

Beacon – Do you know any matinee idols?

Hill – I think most people who attend matinees are idle.

______

In Gameland

Hunt – Did you bag anything the last time you fired?

Blazer – Not by a long shot.

______

Record for Speed

Witt – That Mrs. Ratler talks like sixty.

Hitt – Multiply it.

____________

Mar. 27, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Call and the Answer

    My thoughts today

    Have gone astray,

Not here on book or desk are they,

But out where speckled beauties play.

    Beyond the town,

    Midst valleys brown,

Where rivulets come crashing down,

Below the cascades gleaming crown.

    Beyond the walls

    Of towers and halls,

The Nature trumpet calls and calls;

The summons of the waterfalls.

    Above the roar

    Of street and store,

Above the daily grind and chore,

It calls and calls as ne’er before.

    And in my dream

    A shining stream,

Through purple haze a silver seam,

Sends forth a faint, translucent gleam.

    My thoughts, I say,

    Have gone astray,

And written page or grind today

I thrust behind me, come what may.

    Old desk-good bye,

    My soul must fly

Down to the markets, handy by,

And gaze where speckled beauties lie!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“When they’s tew ways uv lookin’ at a thing it might help matters tew shet one eye.”

______

Positively Her Last Appearance

A New York paper is telling about “The Return of Eve” at the Herald Square Theatre. It is a well known fact that quite a few of our actresses are well along in years, but it is news to most of us in Boston that Eve is still tripping the boards. She has been so little written up since her first appearance that really she had quite passed out of the minds of most people not specially interested in the theatre. For old times’ sake it is hoped that she will return to Boston. In the brief dispatch no mention was made of Adam. Possibly he has been left at home to get his spring work along in the garden.

______

The Ideal and the Real

The bluebird haunts the suburbs now,

     The robin’s come to stay;

B’jones instead of sic o’clock,

     Gets up at break of day.

He looks afield, down at the links,

     And sheds a longing smile;

Alas! It’s spring; the garden tools

     Will hold him for a while.

______

Local Lines

A bicycle was seen in the suburbs one day last week.

Prosperity continues to prosper; even the junk business is picking up.

News are pretty scarce this week and it’s too late to manufacture them.

A summer’s bird was seen on the Common yesterday; it was on a lady’s hat.

An emaciated-looking Christmas tree was given an outing one morning last week on a Cambridge ash cart.

Button factories (also buttonhole factories), thanks to the new fad in women’s gowns, are working overtime.

In looking up candy bargains try the street venders; sometimes a good bit of real estate is thrown in gratis.

______

Business Opportunity

Time may be money now and then,

          But I will stake this rhyme

Against a longer one of yours

          It’s not cash all the time.

____________

Mar. 28, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

His Way

You know the man who always smiles,

     From early morn till night;

The gentleman who bows and scrapes

     In manner most polite;

The man who’s ever cool and calm,

     With something nice to say;

Who will not frown one item down

     (If he can have his way).

He is the most delightful chap,

     No one can gainsay that;

So wise in ev’rything he says,

     So proper and so pat.

The world revolves around his thumb,

     He bids it go or stay;

And it will go all right, we know,

     (If he can have his way).

*        *        *        *        *        *

And we, poor worms, sit meekly by,

     With naught to do or say;

And watch him steer the hemisphere

     (And envy him his way).

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“One of the reasons why people don’t git down to livin’ the simple life any better is becuz they go at it in sich a complex manner.”

______

Another Epitaph Dug Up

“Here lies Elisha Truth, poor man,

     Reach Heaven he never will;

He lied aloud all through his life,

     And now he’s lying still.”

______

An Old Game

City Girl – Don’t you play “bridge” up here in the country, auntie?

Aunt Peggie – Land, child, I ain’t played it since I was a gal; but I’ll never forget the words: “London bridge is fallin’ down, fallin’ down.”

______

Capricious Miss

We used to ponder much why spring

                   Was called a maid;

And thought sometimes it was because

                   She was afraid.

Then through the gentle, fleeting hours

                   Of youthful joy,

We thought perchance it was because

                   She was so coy.

Long years have made the secret known,

                   And sad the blow;

It is for reasons only one –

                   She fools us so!

______

Pavement Philosophy

A good many women make up a lot more than their minds.

The crowd is more interesting if one is not in a hurry.

When one is most apt to feel like 30 cents is when he can’t raise it.

It’s hard lines to come home from a club and then meet another one.

You can’t suit everybody. Begin by trying to suit the one you think most of – possibly yourself.

Some people think a big stick would be put to better use at knocking golf balls than somebody’s cranium.

____________

Mar. 29, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Signs Of The Times

Sit you down in joy to eat,

Rest your tired, aching feet.

Feeling of content steals down,

Though you’re in a hub-bub town.

With a calm, expectant air,

You pick up the bill of fare.

Eyes rove over this or that –

“Watch your overcoat and hat.”

Making sure your property

Is just where it ought to be,

Lean you back and dream once more

Of the tasty things in store.

Glance perhaps goes to the wall,

Where in letters far from small,

Words before your vision float:

“Watch your hat and overcoat”.

You are served with promptitude,

And you soon attack the food,

While a joy steals through your soul

Over which you’ve no control.

That’s to say, such joy should steal

In upon you through the meal;

But upon the wall you meet:

“Watch your parcels while you eat”.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Two heads are better than one, but the ev’rige pusson thinks his’n ought to be the one.”

______

Getting on in Life

(Hand-Made Letters from a City-Made Son to is Home-Made Father.)

Your letter, forgetting to inclose the check I asked for, duly received. I am glad to get the letter, but the check would have added to it. I can’t get my laundry now till pay day. One has to dress here according to his position, you know. I have been promoted, but financially my job is doing business at the same old stand. The boss told me a slow growth was healthier. If that is true, then I must be in great financial health.

My credit is good here, of course, but one hates to hang up a Chinaman for his laundry. You know the two nationalities are not on the best of terms. To ask John a favor would be too small. I would rather turn and return my collars and cuffs. I made $5 “supering” in a theatre last week, but a chorus lady picked my pocket. Don’t get this mixed up with “supping.” “Supering” is carrying a spear behind the chorus. No, dad, I don’t expect ever to become an actor – not a great actor, at least; but you can see what a hard place I’m in, to earn $5 in this manner and then let it slip through my fingers. I know what you will say: “Easy come, easy go.” I would change that to “Easy all the way round.”

I hope things are going all right on the farm. Sometimes I wish I were there; but, as I’ve often told you, there’s no money in it. I was always broke there. Here I’m not exactly broke all the time, but pretty well bent. I’m going to take up the question of increase of salary with the boss some day when my mood is opportune. I don’t want to get him unduly excited, for he needs me in his business. I don’t feel that I can desert him now that spring trade is coming on.

Must close now, as one of my chums has dropped in to see me about the theatre party to be pulled off tonight. One has to make good with business acquaintances, you know. When you write, Dad, don’t forget the inclosure this time. I’ve chalked my collar two mornings in succession. Delays are dangerous, you always told me. They are also embarrassing. Your affectionate son.

______

More About Him

Of gardening the city man

  Oft little understands,

Yet never fails to raise a crop

  Of blisters on his hands.

                               – Kansas City times

And when his M. C. franks to him

  A lot of garden seeds,

He plants them and is sure to raise

  A splendid crop of weeds.

                               – Chicago Tribune

Ho, hum, perhaps it’s just as well,

  For surely no one needs

To get a lameness in the back

  by cultivating weeds.

                               – Indianapolis News

But when his seeds begin to sprout,

  And weeds begin to grow,

He’s got to give them something else

  Beside the gay “ho ho!”

______

On the Other Foot

“Prince John Rex de Guelph,” who was arrested in New York Saturday for jumping his board bill at the St. Regis, and claims he is the oldest son of King Edward, asserts in good, healthy language that he will yet sit on England’s throne. At the rate Prince John is moving he will be in a fair way to tickle himself by and by if the throne doesn’t sit on him.

____________

Mar. 30, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

An Ode To Bones

We do not care so much for Spring

     Herself as what she brings us;

The singing birds of course are nice,

     And other joys she flings us.

She hands us out the dandelion

     And other dainty dishes,

But best of all the toothsome shad,

     The festive king of fishes!

The speckled “beauties,” too, are nice,

     And salmon also are tasty;

But as compared with new spring shad

     All other fish are pasty.

Our hats come off and we salaam

     To many dainty dishes,

But note how low goes our chapeau

     To Shad, the King of Fishes!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“It’s true when the ol’ cat’s away the little mice will sport an’ play, but one or more gits taken in the ol’ cat shows up ag’in.”

______

Mr. Taft as a Farmer

Why shouldn’t President Taft turn the White House lawn into a cow pasture if he wants to? Whose business is it, anyway? He has taken out a four years’ lease. In doing as he does Mr. Taft shows his ability as a time saver and exposes other qualities that go to make up a successful farmer. The cow is one of the best automatic lawn mowers known. She will save her owner many hours of mower-pushing and no end of strong language over picking small sticks out of the cutters. Then bossie, being right there at bars when milking time comes, will save the busy President many a ramble through the swamps and underbrush looking her up. This latest move of Mr. Taft show shrewdness and economy rarely exhibited even by Presidents.

______

Absent-Minded Beggars

“The most absent-minded man I ever saw,” said Wagley, “was one who handed a conductor a nickel with his right hand while he held a transfer check with his left.

“That’s nothing,” observed Kidder, “I once saw a man board a car and sit down and forget absolutely to look up from his paper when the conductor went through and said ‘fares, please.’”

______

When Spring Has Went

(Contributed by the office boy.)

When spring has went you’ll sorry be

     For all the unkind things you’ve said;

She does the best she can, and she

     Should have your praise and help instead.

She has her faults, which are but charms;

     She’s filled chock full with good intent;

And you will know but gloom and woe

     When she has went.

When spring has went and summer’s came,

     And ev’rything is dry and hot,

And all the days are just the same,

     And you just stick to one warm spot,

‘Tis then you’ll wish her back again,

     With all the wind and rain she sent;

So you had best cut out the jest

     Ere she has went.

______

A Martyr

“My wife expects me to be truthful.”

“Yes.”

“And wants peace and harmony in the home.”

“Yes.”

“And yet she asks me every night my opinion of her cooking.”

______

Now You See It and Now You Don’t

As a get-rich-quick scheme kidnapping has most schemes beaten to a pulp. And as a scheme for unloading your returns, what follows has most other schemes beaten to the top dressing of a hot chocolate.

____________

Mar. 31, ‘09