Volume I
1. When a man tells how many
uv his neighbors he kin see through that is the time his own transparency
begins to show up.
R. by Puck, Truth,
Siftings, Judge, F. Press, N.Y. Sun, Harpers, Pub. in Courier
2. Bring yeourself to love all
children an' yeou'll fin' yeour dispersition growin' sweeter'n the inside uv a
'lasses cask.
R. by Puck, Judge, Pub. in
Courier
3. The only satisfaction let
for an ol' man when he's jeered at by boys is the knowledge that they'll hev to
come t it themselves.
R. by Puck, Judge, Pub. in
Courier
4. Most gen'ly a farmer's
woodpile ain't a circumstance to his wood lot; yeou can't judge one by t'other.
R. by Puck, Truth, Siftings,
Judge, F. Press, NY Sun, Harpers, Pub. in Courier
5. The crowin' uv a ruster is
more natteral an' pleasin' to the ear than the crowin' uv and individual,
notwithstandin' that the latter does the most practicin'.
R. by Puck, Truth, Siftings,
Judge, F. Press, NY Sun, Harpers, Pub. in Courier
6. It's cur'us people won't
l'arn which is the kickin' end uv a cow an' govern themselves accordin'ly.
R. by Puck, Pub. in Courier
7. Ain't everbody kin tell
which end is which uv a mud turkle when he's all housed in.
R. by Puck, Pub. in Courier
8. Yeou can't expect a nest
full uv aigs when yeou shell uvf all the corn for the market an' throw the cobs
out for the hens to browse on.
R. by Puck, Pub. in Courier
9. The size uv a fish that is
described, must gen'ly depends on who ketches him.
R. by Puck, Pub. in Courier
10. Prize fightin' does a good
deal toward helpin' out the the'ry that man descended frum the brute creation.
A. by Puck, Pub in *841
11. Straws show which way the
current runs an’ a red flag shows which way the bull runs; also the individual
he’s arter.
R. by Puck, Pub. in
Courier
12. If they whose wit allus
comes too late are called fools, what shall we call them whose wit never comes
at all?
R. by Puck, Pub. in
Courier
13. “Ridin’ a free hoss to
death” doesn’t hev any reference tew the hoss thet’s gen’ly standin’ idle nigh
to a man’s woodpile.
R. by Puck, Pub. in
Courier
14. When a child uv Nature
musses (?) his Mother Earth it must be when he’s suckin’ cider through a goose
quill.
R. by Puck, Truth,
Siftings, Judge, F. Press, N.Y. Sun, Harpers, Pub. in Courier
15. I don’t know as a hen is
responsible for her foolish actions arter she has lost her head.
R. by Puck, Truth,
Siftings, Judge, F. Press, N.Y. Sun, Harpers, Pub. in Courier
16. Vanity is considered as
bein’ ruther light but it ‘pears to be the heaviest art uv some individuals.
R. by Puck, Pub. in
Courier
17. ‘Tain’t surprisin’ thet
cows an’ hosses do consitterble kickin’. They most allus hev good reasons for
it.
R. by Puck, Pub. in
Courier
18. Turnin’ a grindstone for yeour
neighbor simply becuz yeou love him is a mighty good test uv the duration uv yeour
affection.
R. by Puck, Truth,
Siftings, Judge, F. Press, N.Y. Sun, Harpers, Pub. in Courier
19. It’s purty hard work tew
entertain an ol’ Toper with dry humor.
R. by Puck, Pub. in
Courier
20. I allus wonder if the fish
that gits away feels as big as he looks to the feller that loses him.
A. by Puck, Pub. in #8
World’s Fair Puck, June 26, ‘98
21. Time waits for no man but
many a musical feller gits up and beats it.
A. by Puck, Pub. in
#864. Sept. 27, ‘93
22. Before lendin’ a pocket
knife it is allus a good idee to rap the ten cent pieces out uv the handle.
A. by Puck, Pub. in
#854
23. Before enterin’ a fight we
should take our adversary’s measure an’ hev the undertaker take our’n.
A. by Puck, Pub. in 864,
Sept. 27, ‘93
24. Stealin’ watermelons is
condemned only by them that never tasted its many joys. May I be sot (?) on a
barbed wire fence if I ever say a word agin it.
R. by Puck, Pub. in
Courier
25. ‘Tain’t nowers likely thet
an’ individual would be any less inpatient an’ excitable than a settin’ hen on
aigs ef he wuz place in the same position.
A. by Puck, & Pub.
in #853
26. It’s a good plan when yeou’re
buildin’ a ten foot fence to keep out yeour neighbor’s cattle to make it low
enough to keep in yeour own pigs an’ sheep.
A. by Puck, Pub. in
#871
27. A big idee can be put on a
small scrap uv paper but I’ve seen a tarnal small idee spread over twenty odd
newspaper columns.
A. by Puck, Pub. in #871
28. When I wuz yeoung an’
thought less I did my mornin’ chores first an’ eat my breakfast while runnin’
to the shop; now I eat first an’ do the chores while runnin’
Pub. in Courier
29. It’s mighty poor policy
ter mke a foot ball out uv a cow jet because she won’t immediately give daown
her milk.
R. by Puck, Pub. in
Courier
30. I can’t help but notice
that there are tew places where a fellar likes to put in overtime free gratis:
when he’s in bed an’ when he’s courtin’.
A. by Puck, Pub. in
#871
31. Don’t find fault with yeour neighbor’s hens when it is yeour own
length uv fence thet needs fixin’.
A.
by Puck, Pub. in #20 uv the World’s Fair Puck
32. Makin’ a disturbance in
meetin’ applies as well to the man snorin’ as it does to the boy titterin’.
R. by Puck, F. Press,
Siftings, Truth, Judge, Life, N.Y. Sun, Harpers, Pub. Pub. in B. Courier
32½. Many law makers could
discover law breakers by looking in a glass.
Pub. in Boston Courier
33. Don’t think that becuz yeou
done yeourself better than anyone else thet other people hev the same feelin’ toward
yeou.
R. by Puck, F. Press,
Siftings, Truth, Judge, Life, N.Y. Sun, Harpers, Pub. in Courier, Pub. in B.
Courier
34. When a man is reely funny
is when he ain’t tryin’ to be.
A. by Puck, Pub. in #871
35. There aint much difference
in crossin’ a railroad track an’ a wastin’ track, only un the latter yeou don’t
hev to look both ways at once.
R. by Puck, Pub. in B.
Courier
36. Don’t crow to a 190 pound
individual erbout yeour tiny feet when yeou don’t weigh but 90 pounds yeourself.
A. by Puck, Pub. in #864,
Sept. 27, ‘93
37. What a woman lacks in the
art uv firin’ a stun (stun’ ?) she makes up in the art uv firin’ a feller’s
ambition.
A. by Puck, Pub. in #871
38. When a big, strappin’ man
marries a leetle mite uv a woman she orter make up to him in goodness what she
lacks in size an’ vice versa.
R. by Puck, Pub. in B.
Courier
39. Stoppin’ a runawy team is
uv course a brave deed, but when a man with nine children gits killed by a
seventy five cent hoss there is ten sides to the question.
A. by Puck, Pub. in 864,
Sept. 27, ‘93
40. A man standin’ six feet in
his stockin’s must hev tarnal small feet or else six pair uv stockin’s.
A. by Puck, Pub. in #940
41. A poor man’s trousers
seldom draw tight over the region uv his pocketbook.
R. by Puck, F. Press,
Siftings, Truth, Judge, Life, N.Y. Sun, Harpers, Pub. in Courier
42. Frum experience I lrn that
the best an’ only safe way is to read
book afor lendin’ uv it.
R. by Puck, Judge, Pub.
in Courier
43. In all probabilities, the
birds thet holler “whip-poor-will” night arter night ain’t warned William.
R. by Puck, F. Press,
Siftings, Truth, Judge, Life, N.Y. Sun, Harpers, Pub. in Courier
44. Good positions are like a
hill uv taters, there’s gen’ly ten tater bugs to one tater.
R. by Puck, Judge,
Pub. in B. Courier
45. An individual’s good
natur’, like the seat uv his trousers,
won’t allus hol’ out to be sot on.
R. by Puck, F. Press,
Siftings, Truth, Judge, Life, N.Y. Sun, Harpers, Pub. in B. Courier
46. Gen’ly the lastin’
qualities uv frien’ships, like a air uv trousers, depend on how much they are
worn.
R. by Puck, Judge,
Pub. in B. Courier
47. Tellin’ little white lies
is risky business becuz they are apt to grow an’ change in color.
R. by Puck, F. Press,
Siftings, Truth, Judge, Life, N.Y. Sun, Harpers, Pub. in Courier
48. Give a cat all she wants
to eatan’ yeou’ll keep her mind uvf’n stealin’!
A. by Puck, Pub. Pub.
in # 871
49. Joy seldom kills a pusson,
but there are thousands who are tryin’ to kill joy every day.
R. by Puck, Judge,
Pub. in B. Courier
50. Nip an’ tuck – When an
individual is tryin’ to keep the bed clothes twixt himself an’ a determined
skeeter.
R. by Puck, Pub. in
Courier
51. The man who wears squeaky
shoes is boun’ to hev music in his sole.
R. by Puck, Pub. in B.
Courier
52. See fust that yew hev
tried to make yeour enemy better afore yeow talk uv his failius.
R. by Puck, Judge, Pub.
in B. Courier
53. The man who watches the
clock the clostest is the one who puts in the longest day.
R. by Puck, Judge, Pub.
in B. Courier
54. Sometimes it seems as
though the individual who carries the whole world on his back doesn’t git so
round shouldered as the one who carries a small pack.
R. by Puck, Pub. in B.
Courier
55. The tom turkey is a fust
rate critter for hol’n up the importance uv the dignerty uv his sex.
R. by Puck, Judge, Pub.
in Berlin News, Pub. in B. Courier, Dec. 29, ‘95
56. It is quite unnecessary to
put a notice uv “Hands Uvf” upon the handle uv a buck saw.
R. by Puck, Pub. in
Berlin News, Pub. in B. Courier, Dec. 29, ‘95
57. It’s a plaguey sight
easier to fogit thet yeou’ve borrowed a dollar than it is thet yeou’ve leant
one.
A. by Puck, Pub. in #871
58. ‘Tain’t allus the biggest
individual in this world thet occypys the biggest space.
R. by Puck, Judge, Pub.
in B. Courier
59. Mis’ry loves company an’
like all uv her sisters, prefers her superiors.
R. by Puck, Judge,
Pub. in B. Courier
60. Callin’ things by their
right names don’t allus give the best satisfaction.
R. by Puck, Pub. in B.
Courier
61. When a man declares a
thing “upon his soul”, yeou may believe he’s tellin’ the truth providin’ he
ain’t barefoot an’ his shoes are paid for.
R. by Puck, Pub. in B.
Courier
62. There is one free hoss
that ain’t likely to git rode to death – a saw horse.
R. by Puck, Pub. in B.
Courier
63. We all enjoy, uv course,
the rich voice uv the singer or the silver-tongued orator, but arter all who is
there that doesn’t prefer the sound uv his own voice.
A. by Puck, Pub. in #940
64. The farmer hain’t the only
feller who waters stock.
Pub. in B. Courier, R.
by Puck
65. An individual who is
capable uv lickin’ a dozen men will uvtentimes git floored by his own temper.
R. by Puck, Judge, Pub.
in B. Courier
66. The pen may be mightier
than the sword but in many instances it’s the tool uv a cowardly tongue.
R. by Puck, Pub. in B.
Courier
67. Jest becuz yeou keep yeour
nose out uv other people’s affa’rs, is no sign yeour tongue gits a license.
R. by Puck, Judge, Pub.
in B. Courier
68. ‘Tain’t nowers surprisin’
thet flies hang aroun’ a ‘lasss barrel sence small boys set the bad example.
R. by Puck, Pub. in B.
Courier
69. Straitened sercumstanes uvten
lead a passon into crooked ways.
R. by Puck, Judge, Pub.
in B. Courier
70. A fr’en’ in need is a
fr’en’ indeed, no marter which one is the needy one.
R. by Puck, Pub. in B.
Courier
71. Sometimes it seems ez tho’
common sense wuz gittin’ to be uncommonly common, (R.
by Puck) an’
uncommon sense uncommonly common.
Pub. in B. Courier
Pub. in B. Courier
72. There is a sut’n class uv
individuals who hol’ uvf an’ sner at anything thet’s free an’ I uvten wonder if
they didn’t make a mistake in puttin’ salvation on the free list.
R. by Puck, Pub. in B.
Courier
73. “What man hez done man may
do” doesn’t include sheep stealin’, marryin’ a million wives or tradin’ the
baaby’s shoes for liquor.
R. by Puck, Judge
74. It’s mighty mean business
to set a hen chiney aigs then find fault with her disparsition.
R. by Puck, Judge
75. When a man fences in his
belongin’s he is merely commitin’ an act uv self defense.
R. by Puck, Judge
76. Lovin’ yeour neighbor ez
yeourself includes yeour neighbor’s wife too but tain’t allus best to let yeour
neighbor think so.
R. by Puck, Judge
77. Consistency is a jewel
that uvtentimes falls eout uv its settin’.
R. by Puck, Judge, Pub.
in B. Courier
78. “Barkin’ doge never bite”
becuz they can’t but they bite down quick sometimes when they stop barkin’.
R. by Puck, Judge, Pub.
in B. Courier
79. Sarcumstances alter cases,
an’ cases hev been known to alter sarcumstances.
A. by Puck, Pub. in #940
80. The more haste the longer
yeou hev to wait for su’thin’ to turn up, pervidin’ yeou are ahead uv time.
A. by Puck, Pub. in #940
81. Ef wishes wuz hosses
they’d be druv to death on the fust stretch.
A. by Puck, Pub. in #940
82. In my opin’on the wit thet
comes too late, known ez fool’s wit, is a plagneysight better than that comes
too quick.
A. by Puck, Pub. in #940
83. When a man brags erbout
his not owin’ anybody anything, it may be laid to several causes; one is
perhaps he hez’ent hed the oppertunuty.
R. by Puck, Pub. in Boston
Courier
84. There hain’t much gained
in callin’ a man a liar cuz if he is one he mus’ know it better than yeou do
yeourself.
R. by Puck, Pub. in Boston
Courier
85. A person will go to a
theater, stan’ up for ten hours an’ a half an’ never fin’ fault, payin’ 50
cents inter the bargain, but would kick like u steer at standin’ up to hear an’
hours sermon for nuthin’
Pub. in Boston Courier
86. The feller who kicks an’
squirms to git affront at a circus is the one who gen’ly takes a back seat in
prayer meetin’.
R. by Puck, Pub. in B.oston
Courier
87. Tain’t allus the strongit
man who kin lift the heaviest mortgage.
R. by Puck, Pub. in Boston
Courier
88. It’s purt’ nigh ez easy
ter drive the pen up to the pig ez it is the pig up to the pen
R. by Puck, Pub. in Boston
Courier
89. I am puffectly willin’ tew
hev a feller put a flea in my ear pervidin’ it will keep me frum hearin’ the
yarn he’s got to tell.
R. by Puck, Pub. in B.
Courier
90. Tain’t much use in prayin’
for rain when yeou want to use the water for thinnin’ down a bar’l uv market
vinegar.
R. by Puck, F. Press,
Truth, Judge, Pub. in B. Courier
91. Try an’ remember thet when
yeou au airin' yeour opinions the odor may be uvfensive to yeour nex door
neighbor.
R. by F. Press, Truth,
Judge, Pub. in B. Courier
92. The only dieference
between a prize fight an’ a bull fight is thet the bull fight has one man an’
one annermal an’ the prize fight hez tew annermals.
R. by F. Press, Truth,
Judge, Pub. in B. Courier
93. Don’t allus think becuz a
man wants tew sell his bizzernizz thet there is suthin’ the marter with the
bizzernizz. There may be suthin’ the matter with the man.
Pub. in Boston Courier
94. When yeou meet a feller
who wants to do all the talkin’ himself jest let him do it, an’ he’ll think
yeou’re the mos’ entertainin’ feller eout.
R. by F. Press, Truth,
Judge, Pub. in Boston Courier
95. The quality uv a farmer’s
milk shouldn’t be jidged by the abundance uv hos water supply.
R. by F. Press, Truth,
Judge, Pub. in Boston Courier
96. A good many pussons will
git tew the top round in the ladder uv fame pervidin’ they kin turn the ladder
upside down.
R. by Puck, Judge, Pub.
in B. Courier
97. Some uv these individyus
who brag erbout the’r keen scent are the dulles’ when it comes tew smellin’ a
rat.
R. by Puck, Judge, Pub.
in B. Courier
98. Charrerty covers a
multitood uv loafers.
R. by Puck, Judge, Pub.
in B. Courier
99. Don’t think thet becuz yeou’ve
got a min’ uv yeour own thet yeou need tew be continually givin’ somebody else
apiece uv it.
R. by Puck, Judge, Pub.
in B. Courier
100. Yeou can’t jedge an
editor by his editorials any more than yeou kin a dog by the soun’ uv his
language.
Pub. in Boston Courier
101. Yeou kin tell a pusson who
hez a min’ uv his own ez he’s generally givin’ someone a piece uv it.
Pub. in Boston
Courier
102. Yeou can’t allus judge a
man’s caperbillerty by the amount uv labor he says is his lot tew perform.
R. by Puck, Judge, Pub.
in B. Courier
103. It don’t make no
diffrunce haow poor a man is, he kin allus afford tew chaw terbackker an’ lud a
pipe.
R. by Puck, Judge, Pub.
in B. Courier
104. ‘Tain’t no sign thet a
biznez man ‘ud make a good soldier jest becuz he know haow tew charge.
R. by F. Press, Truth,
Judge, Pub. in B. Courier
105. It’s kin uv funny that the pussons who say they don’t know
right frum wrong allus lean tuds the
latter.
A. by Puck, P. in #924,
Nov. 21, ‘94
106. The deffernition uv the
word charerty covers a good deal uv groun’, but the practice uv it on’y a
leetle plot.
Pub. in B. Courier
107. Never brag uv yeour fish
tell yeou’ve weighed him.
Pub. in Courier
108. It’s an ill wind thet
doesn’t blow good.
Pub. in B. Courier
109. Shortsightedness Kernot
be improved by the use uv glasses.
Pub. in Courier
110. Some people are
uncharreterbul enough tew deny even a bite tew a little skeeter.
Pub. in Boston Courier
111. Don’t count yeour
chickens till arter yeou hev pizened the ol’ cat.
A. by Puck, Pub. Nov.
21, ’94 in #924
112. There wouldn’t be so much
kickin’ done at the weather ef there was a chance fur people tew hurt their
toes.
A. by Puck, Pub. Nov.
21, ’94 in #924
113. Some men who ubject tew
settin’ on tacks wouldn’ mindsettin’ on the tax collector.
A. by Puck, Pub. Nov.
21, ’94 in #924
114. It is easier tew l’arn
tew ply a han’ organ than it is tew like the music it gives.
Pub. in Boston Courier
115. Allus speak the truth.
It’s harder, uv course, but it’s these small diffaculties thet make life spicy.
Pub. in B. Courier
116. It is an acknowleged fact
thet the pusson who ubjects tew the singin’ uv a skeeter hez no ear fur music.
Pub. in B. Courier
117. Lickin’ a postage stamp
is nuthin’ tew brag uv, fur all it hez
the government behind it.
Pub. in B. Courier
118. I tried laffin’ once tew
grow fat, but it didn’t pay, cuz when I laffed at father arter he struck his
thumb with a harmer, he tuk uvf more’n
I’d gained in a hull month!
Pub. in Boston Courier
119. There is no sartisfaction
in tellin’ people yeour ailments nowadays; they allus feel so much wussin’ yeou
do.
A. by Puck, Pub. in #924,
Nov. 21, 1894
120. Some people kin be
tickled more effectively with a big bill than with a leetle straw.
Pub. in B. Courier
121. It’s a plagny sight
easier tew kick up a row than it is to parsify one.
A. by Puck, Pub. in #924,
Nov. 21, 1894
122. Jest erbout the time yeou
commence tew pour yeour neighbor’s ear full uv yeour baby’s cute ness, remember
thet there’s erbout ten thousan’ more in the world erbout the same age an’ jest
ez cute ez yeour’n.
A. by Puck, Pub. in #924,
Nov. 21, 1894
123. Many a man who pays his
bills promptly wants considerable credit for it arter all.
A. by Puck, Pub. in #924,
Nov. 21, 1894
124. Lead an hones’ life ef
yeou kin; an’ ef yeou kan’ let someone else lead yeou who is honest.
Pub. in B. Courier
125. The majority uv people
want tew be rich but jest here is where the majority don’t rule.
Pub. in B. Courier
125½. Lookin’ fur employment
in a bar-room gives it on’y tew the bartender.
Pub. in B. Courier
126. Never brag uv yeour fish
till yeou hev hol’ uv the scales.
R. by Puck, Pub. in Boston
Courier
127. A past time is a mighty
good thing pervidin’ the time ain’t so fur past thet yeou are neglectin’
suthin’ else.
R. by Puck, Pub. in Boston
Courier
128. Don’t bet on a hoss trot.
Yeour money kin trot the fastest anyway, so be content tew hol’ it in.
R. by Puck, Pub. in Boston
Courier
129. People like tew be tol’
suthin’ they don’t know pervidin’ it’s peasin’ to hear.
R. by Puck, Pub. in Boston
Courier
130. Don’t git uvfended becuz
yeour neighbor don’t laff ez heartily ez yeou dew at the joke yeou are tellin’.
Posserbly he can’t appreciate a good joke.
Pub. in Boston Courier
131. It hain’t no wuss tew
make a mountain eout uv a mole hill in some ways thanit is tew make a mole hill
eout uv a mountain in others.
R. by Puck, Pub. in Boston
Courier
132. Nobody wuz ever accused
uv havin’ more’n his share uv common sense.
R. by Puck, Pub. in Boston
Courier
133. Before gittin’ married a
fellergits stuck on a gal, an’
arterwards he is lucky ef he don’t git stuck by the same gal.
Pub. in Boston Courier
134. Don’t stick a match intew
the bung hole uv a bar’l tew see how much ile yeou hev got left.
R. by Puck, Pub. in B.
Courier
135. Ef gals didn’t perten’
tew be so skeered in the dark there wouldn’t be so many things springin’ intew
a yeoung feller’s min’.
R. by Puck, Pub. in B.
Courier
136. There is several
quallerties uv elastic, some stretchier than others. This is all right with
elastic, but don’t git it confused with conscience.
Pub. in Boston Courier
137. Don’t look for tew much
intelligence, willin’ness, modesty an’ politeness in annermuls; they dew purty
well considerin’.
Pub. in B. Courier
138. A good way tew practice
on bein’ quick motioned is by tryin’ tew ketch a water bug.
Pub. in B. Courier
139. It takes skill tew ketch
a fish an’ back bone tew dress it.
Pub. in Boston Courier
140. Never doubt a man’ wud
unless yeou know for sure thet his favorite pastime ez fishin’.
141. The man who uses a small
‘I’ when writin’ uv himself can’t hev a very big opinion uv himself.
R. by Puck, F. Press,
Life, Siftings, Pub. in B. Courier
142. When a man deigns tew
brag erbout his might it is time for people tew spell it “mite”.
Pub. in Boston Courier
143. It is a wonder time ain’t
laid low long ago, sence there is so many folks tryin’ tew kill it.
Pub. in Boston Courier
144. ‘Tain’t so easy rollin’ uvf’n
a law garter all, ‘speshly ef the lawg is standin’ upright an’ yeou are boun’
tew it, with a score uv wil’ ingins dancin’ roun’.
Pub. in Boston Courier
145. A rat in a trap is wuth
tew in a meal bar’l.
Pub. in B. Courier
146. It would be a tarnal good
joke on the lightnin’ rod corporation ef their agent should git truck by
lightnin’, but hard on the agent.
R. by Puck, Judge, Pub.
in B. Courier
147. When a man tells yeou
he is a poor mizzerbul cuss, don’t agree
with him; ‘tain’t safe.
Pub. in Boston Courier
148. Some uv these keen
obserbers read mos’ ev’rybody’s natur’ kerrectly but their own.
R. by Puck, F. Press,
Siftings, Life, Pub. in B. Courier
149. Gen’ly the people who hev
the least cause worry most erbout havin’ brain fever.
Pub. in Boston Courier
150. A yeoung man knows a good
deal nowadays. He know when he ie well uvf himself an’ he knows when his girl’s
father is well uvf also.
Pub. in Boston Courier
151. Don’t make a fool uv
yeourself jest for spite, a long-eared hoss wouldn’t do sech a thing.
Pub. in Boston Courier
152. When a tom turkey
brussles up nothin’ is ever though uv it, but when a bantie rooster does the
same thing folks say he is puttin’ on airs.
R. by Puck, Judge, Pub.
in Boston Courier
153. Silence is golden; a
little talk is silver an’ a good uv talk is brass.
R. by Puck, F. Press,
Siftings, Life, Pub. in B. Courier
154. Ef ev’rybody would min’
their own bizniz they wouldn’ hev no leezure fur mischief makin’.
R. by Puck, F. Press,
Siftings, Life, Pub. in B. Courier
155. Turnin’ a grin’ stun may
put an aige on the ol’ gentleman’s axe but it takes it all uvfin the boy’s
ambition.
R. by Puck, F. Press,
Siftings, Life, Pub. in B. Courier
156. Tew see is tew believe,
but tew believe isn’t allus tew see.
Pub. in Boston Courier
157. Charrerty may cover a
multitood uv sins, but the muzzle uv a pistol covers a multitude uv sinners.
R. by Puck, F. Press,
Siftings, Life, Pub. in B. Courier
158. Holin’ on rew a bull’s
tail tew keep frum gittin’ hooked is a wise plan but awful tryin’ tew the
narves.
R. by Puck, F. Press,
Siftings, Life, Pub. in Boston Courier
159. The pusson who says he
won’t give in is purty apt, in the long run, to give out.
R. by Puck, F. Press,
Siftings, Life, Pub. in Boston Courier
160. Fallin’ in love an’
fallin’ in a well takes erbout the same length uv time, but the former hez a
big advantage over the latter when it comes to gitting’ eout. It kin be done
quicker n’ easier.
Pub. in B. Courier
161. A man hez got no bizniz
tew tell us there is nuthin’ new under the sun unless he kin tell us suthin’
erbout the condition above it.
Pub. in B. Courier
162. He laffs best who laffs,
not at his own jokes but them uv his neighbor.
Pub. in Boston Courier
*
* *
“Ol’ Nutmeg” On
Shutin’
163. Teachin’ yeoung idees how
tur shute is a good way tew lessen dawn the number uv yeour family.
164. The hard hearted farmer
should now remember the Lord’s Prayer an’ forgive them who trespass ag’inst
him.
165. The rabbit gen’ly hez
more hare-breadth escapes than any other annermul.
166. Don’t shute uvf both
bar’ls at a chip’n bird.
167. Even a gun will kick ef
it aint properly used.
168. My advice tew them who
are unnerquainted with fire arms is tew beware uv the dog an’ gun.
169. It’s gen’ly the feller
who is sech a crack shot at the tunnermunts that can’t hit the broadside uv his
fust deer.
170. Don’t aim tew high or
yeou might blow uvf the top uv yeour own cokernut.
R. by Truth, Puck, Pub. in Boston
Courier, Oct. 21, ‘94
* * *
171. Don’t look inter the
muzzle uv a gun te see ef it’s loaded.
Pub. in Boston Courier
172. Although I’m a tem’prence
man I sometimes question who is the biggit noosance, the man full uv rum or the
man full uv anecdote.
Pub. in Boston Courier
173. My advice is an’ allus
hez be’n tew yeoung people who are crazy tew git married, is tew wait tell they
are ol’ enough tew know better.
R. by Puck, Judge, Pub.
in Boston Courier
174. Don’t look with suspicion
on the man who doesn’t like tew speak uv his birth; tin’t nowers likely he kin
remember much erbout the occasion anyway.
Pub. in B. Courier
175. Ez a rule, when an
individyul is in a peck uv trouble the measure is well heaped up.
R. by Puck, Judge, Pub.
in Boston Courier
176. “All the worl’s a stage,”
an’ mos’ uv the people are but hosses for the puppus uv draggin’ it aroun’.
R. by Puck, Judge, Pub.
in Boston Courier
177. The dunkey hez a good ear
but an uncommonly bad voice fur music.
Pub. in Boston Courier
178. Don’t try tew make
yeourself or other people blieve thet yeou are the on’y pusson who hez any
right on a crowded sidewalk.
Pub. in B. Courier
179. When yeou hear a man
threaten tew blow hez brains eout rest assured thet it is impossible ur him tew
dew any sech thing.
Pub. in Boston Courier
180. Time may be money but the
man eout uv a job hez consitterbul more uv it tew spen’.
R. by Puck, Judge, Pub.
in Boston Courier
181. There are many people in
this worl’ who ain’t afeerduv any annermul frum a bug tew a bear, who will tremble
all their lives front uv a bugbear.
R. by Puck, Judge, Pub.
in Boston Courier
182. People don’t need much
practice in order tew become good mischief makers.
Pub. in Boston Courier
183. Take time fur ev’rything
‘cept payment fur a bill.
R. by Puck, Judge, A.
by Truth, Pub. June 22, ‘95 in #427
184. Any young man who hez
tried a case uv love knows the cost uv court.
R. by Puck, Judge, A.
by Truth, Pub. June 22, ‘95 in #427
185. Drowning yeour sorrows in
a bar’l uv whiskey may be effective, but it hez “bum”erang propenserties.
R. by Puck, Judge, A.
by Truth, Pub. June 22, ‘95 in #427
186. Try an’ remember when
yeou are beatin’ a hoss thet the poor feller is doin’ the best he knows how,
an’ would gladly arsk yeour pardon ef he could.
R. by Puck, Judge, A.
by Truth, Pub. June 22, ‘95 in #427
187. Fore a woman begins tew
tell her neighbors thet her husband hez bought her on’y one pair uv shues in
ten years, she orter add up the number uv times she hez sewed on his buttons
arterthe fust month she married.
Pub. in Boston Courier
188. Tain’t necessary tew suppose
thet a small boy allus carries a straw tew a cider bar’l fur the puppus uv
suckin’ cider through it; he may want it in case he falls in an’ is in danger
uv getting’ drownded.
R. by Puck, Judge, A.
by Truth, Pub. June 22, ‘95 in #427
189. Just becuz a woman
happins tew glance in yeour directiondon’t imagine thet yeou are the fust man
she ever see.
R. by Puck, Judge, A.
by Truth
190. When yeou call a man a
kicker it is only a perlite way uv callin’ him a long-eared hoss.
R. by Puck, Judge, A.
by Truth, Pub. June 22, ‘95 in #427
191. The steppin’ sturs in
front uv a saloon are not the ones tew success.
R. by Judge, A. by
Puck, Pub. in #970, Oct. 9, ‘95
192. Yeou can’t l’arn an’ ol’
dorg new tricks but let him alone an’ he’ll l’arn ‘em himself.
Pub. in B. Courier
193. The longer yeou wait fur
yeour golden opportunity the brassier it becomes.
R. by Judge, A. by
Puck, Pub. Oct. 9, ’95, #970,
194. Men will caution the’r
children to keep from a tub uv water then git drownded themselves in a bar’l uv
whiskey.
R. by Puck, A. by
Truth, Pub. in #460, Feb. 8, ’96
195. Before yeou take it fur
granted thet “silence gives consent”, be sure yeou aint talkin’ tew a deaf an’
dumb gal.
Boston Courier
196. Tain’t a good idee tew
kick a dorg in order tew fin’ out ef he’s good natured.
R. by Judge, A. by
Puck, Pub. in #970, Oct. 9, ‘95
197. A sharp tongue never
seems tew grow dull frum excessive use.
R. by Judge, A. by
Puck, Pub. in #970, Oct. 9, ‘95
198. Hayseed in a feller’s
hair is preferable tew live stock, anytime.
R. by Puck, Truth, Pub.
in Boston Courier
199. Ef we are tew judge the
fucher by the past, all I kin say is, thet I’m mighty sorry fur the fucher.
R. by Puck, Truth,
(Pub. in) B. Courier
200. Becuz one ha’f uv the
worl’ don’ know how the other ha’f lives hain’t no fault uv the other ha’f.
R. by Puck, Truth, Pub.
in Boston Courier
May 10, 1895. “Old Nutmeg’s”
Sayings
201. The lion an’ the lamb
ofun lie down turgether, but gen’ley the lamb us inside the lion’
R. by Judge, A. by
Puck.
202. A dollar in yewr han’ is
wuth tew in some other feller’s.
R. by Puck, Truth. Boston
Courier
203. They hain’t no more room
at the top nowadays less one uv the fellers who’s already up there hap’n tew
fall off.
R. by Puck, A. by Truth.
Pub, Feb. 8, ’96, #460
204. Don’t never poke fun at
the looks uv older people; a good many times young people are more tew blame
fur their looks than they be themselves.
A. by Puck, Pub.in
#992, March 11, ‘96
205. Take things ez they come,
then use yewr own discretion ez tew what
yew’ll do with ‘em.
A. by Puck, Pub.in
#992, March 11, ‘96
206. A still tongue never gits
arrested fur disturbin’ the peace.
A. by Puck, Pub.in
#992, March 11, ‘96
207. Any man orter be willin’
tew put ez much money inter the contrybution box ez he puts inter terbacker.
A. by Puck, Pub.in
#992, March 11, ‘96
208. Give the boy a chance
sometimes, instid uv a lickin’.
A. by Puck, Pub.in
#992, March 11, ‘96
209. There’s a vast diffunce
in the feelin’s uv the ower an’ the owed.
A. by Puck, Pub.in
#992, March 11, ‘96
210. They hain’t much sense in
gittin’ all het up by tryin’ so hard tew keep cool.
Pub. in Boston Courier
211. Alittle pepper naow an’
then on a feller’s food hain’t tew be sneezed at.
Pub. in B. Courier
212. It’s mighty hard work tew
shin up a tree onless a red-hot bull is clus tew yewr heels.
Pub. in Boston Courier
213. Joy seldom kills becuz
people aint apt tew git an overdose.
Pub. in B. Courier
214. The on’y wind thet a
feller on a bicickle needs ez that that’s in his tires.
Pub. in Boston Courier
215. Farmin’ hain’t a very
independunt life ef the farm hez got a mortgage on it.
Boston Courier
216. A man wants tew be
remarkably healthy an’ long lived, in order tew fish fur a livin’.
P. in Boston Courier
217. Many a man wishes that
some other man hed never be’n born.
Pub. in Boston Courier
218. It is mighty cruel
punishment tew talk a man tew death.
Boston Courier
* * *
Ol’
Nutmeg On Christmas (1895)
219. One night eout uv a hull
year does a boy hang up his stockin’s. The other 364 he throws ‘em down on the floor.
220. Every child b’leaves in a
Santa Claus. When he gits a leetle older he begins tur doubt it, an’ by the
time he hez children uv his own he don’t b’ieve in it at all.
221. Hangin’ up stockins is,
uv course, an ol’custom, but fur all uv that it is just ez new tew ez many
leetle tots turday ez it wuz a hundred years ago.
Pub. Dec 14,
1895.
Truth, Christmas Number. #452
* * *
222. Gen’ly it’s loosest
characters thet git into the tightest places.
R. by Truth, Ac. by Puck.
Pub. April 22, ’96 #998
223. With aigs forty cents per
dozen the lay uv the thrush ain’t tew be compared with the lay uv the hen.
R. by Truth, Ac. by Puck.
Pub. April 22, 1896 #998
223½. It hain’’t allus the
circus man by any means who hez the bes’ show.
R. by Truth, Ac. by Puck.
Pub. April 22, ’96 #998
224. The man who hez the most
uv poetic fire gen’ly he the least uv the other kin’.
R. by Truth, Ac. by Puck.
Pub. April 22, ’96 #998
225. A penny will never return
tew yew bad ef yew hol on tew it in the fust place.
R. by Truth, Ac. by Puck.
Pub. April 22, ’96 #998
226. They hain’t a much wuss
death known then bein’ killed with kindness.
R. by Truth, Ac. by Puck.
Pub. April 22, ’96 #998
227. Trottin’ hosses may be
pleasanter than trottin’ babies, but it is a playnez sight more unsartin’.
R. by Truth, Ac. by Puck.
228. Don’t blame the rich man
tew much, mos’ likely he wuz poor an’ happy once hisself.
R. by Truth, Ac. by Puck.
229. The wust thing erbout fam’ly
quarrels is they is tew many other fam’lies let inter them.
Ac. by Puck. Pub. Sept.
20, ’96, #1021
230. Don’t shun yewr neighbor’s
hens fur scratchin’ in yewr garden. It’s a foolish thet won’t go where the bes’
scratchin’ is, an’ it’s a complerment tew yew, thet yewr garden is the bes’.
The settlement should be made with yewr neighbor, ez the hen ain’t tur blame.
R. by Puck, Ac. by Truth.
Pub. June 20, 1896. #479.
231. ‘Stid uv cryin’ over
spilt milk, it’s a good idee tew go an’ strip the ol’ caow down agin.
R. by Puck, Ac. by Truth.
Pub. June 20, 1896. #479.
232. The wust thing erbout
givin’ a man a chance is he is purty apt tew want another.
R. by Puck, Ac. by Truth.
Pub. June 20, 1896. #479.
233. By takin’ a day off now
yew may put tew on the other end.
R. by Puck, Ac. by Truth.
Pub. June 20, 1896. #479.
234. Ef yew can’t practice
what yew preach try tew practice what yewr minister preaches.
R. by Puck, Ac. by Truth.
Pub. June 20, 1896. #479.
235. One good p’int erbout a
dorg is, he is purty apt tew foller his
own marster.
R. by Puck, Ac. by Truth.
Pub. June 20, 1896. #479.
236. They is plenty uv room at
the top on’y fellers whew are up there naow want it all theirselves.
Ac. by Puck. Pub. Sept.
20, ’96, #1021.
237. Don’t set on the fence
wishin’ yew hed some uv yewr neighbor’s luck. Wish thet yew hed some uv his
pluck, then make it a pint tew git some, an success is yewrs.
Ac. by Puck. Pub. Sept.
20, ’96, #1021.
238. Ef all the Aunerniases uv
tewday wuz struck dead they wouldn’t be enough people lef’ tew hol’ a country
prayer meetin’.
Pub. in B. Courier
(Ananias:
an early Christian struck dead for lying)
239. Ef some of the farmers I
know would rai the’r fence ‘sted uv railin’ et fate, the ol’ places would look
a plagney sight better.
Ac. by Puck. Pub. Sept.
20, ’96, #1021.
240. It comes in mighty tough
on a muzzled dorg when he sees a nice fat bone in the gutter.
Pub. in B. Courier
241. When a cat gits her back
up it’s time fur the dorg tew stop foolin’.
B. Courier
242. It haint necessary fur a
man tur be eddicated in order make his mark.
B. Courier
243. The boat thet hol’s fam’ly
secrets is apt tew spring a leak.
Pub. B. Courier. March
22, ‘96
244. I could never quite
unnerstan’ what a man gits mad at when he strikes his thumb with a harmer;
whether it’s himself, his thumb, the nail, the harmer or the one thet’s lookin’
on, or all five.
R. by Truth, Life, Judge,
World, Puck, Journal. Little Joker.
245. The man who goes inter
pollertics tew make it cleaner soon gits eccustomed tew the sight uv the dirt.
Ac. by Puck. Pub. Sept.
20, ’96, #1021.
246. Marriage may be a lottery
an’ it may not be, but one thing is morul sartin, the minister hain’t agoin’
tew make a crusade agin it.
Ac. by Puck. Pub. Sept.
20, ’96, #1021.
247. Some people strike while
the iron is hot in order tew hevsparks fly onter someone else.
R. by Truth, Life, Judge,
World, Puck, Journal. Little Joker.
248. Talk is so cheap thet
ofuntimes money hez turbe used in order tew stop it.
R. by Truth, Life, Judge,
World, Puck, Journal. Little Joker.
249. When a man advises yew
tur keep yewr eyes on a certain other man, don’t dew it. Keep one eye on the
man an’ the other on yewr adviser.
R. by Truth, Life, Judge,
World, Puck, Journal. Little Joker.
250. Don’t blame the
blacksmith ‘cuz he can’t preach a good sermon or write a novel. It hain’t his
line.
R. by Truth, Life, Judge,
World, Puck, Journal. Little Joker.
* * *
“Ol’
Nutmeg” On The “Fourth”
251. The glorious Fourth aint
what it uster be, inezmuch ez it uster b different tew what it is now.
R. by Truth, Ac. by Puck.
Pub. July 8, ’96 #1009.
252. The on’y safe fire
cracker I know uv is the one thet hez already exploded.
R. by Truth, Ac. by Puck.
253. The very things the
father uv boys ustur term ez patriotic in his day, he now puts down ez
newsiance.
R. by Truth, Ac. by Puck.
254. The boy who fin’s so much
fault with a rainy Fourth, gen’ly lives tew fin’ eout his mistake.
R. by Truth, Ac. by Puck.
255. They is one day in the
year when mos’ people wish the country wuzzen’t so free an’ inderpendunt ez
what it is.
R. by Truth, Ac. by Puck.
256. The tootin’ uv horns is
more patriotic an’ pleasin’ tew the ear than the soun’ uv some orrertor’s
voices.
R. by Truth, Ac. by Puck.
257. This is the time when the
small boy hez money tew burn, an’ ef he gits away frum sight uv home he is purty
apt tew burn all he hez.
R. by Truth, Ac. by Puck.
Pub. July 8, ’96 #1009.
* * *
258. Saloon keepers ain’t
ellergerble fur membership in the village improvemunt surcierty.
R. by Truth, Life, Judge,
World, Puck, Journal. Little Joker.
259. It s highly amusin’ tur
see how many people are takin’ grapes in juice form on’y becuz they are afeerd
uv the apendyseetus.
R. by Truth, Life, Judge,
World, Puck, Journal. Little Joker.
260. Some men die happy knowin’
they won’t hev tur worry over their undertaker’s bill.
R. by Truth, Life, Judge,
World, Puck, Journal. Little Joker.
261.
(‘R.’ = rejected, ‘A’.= accepted, ‘Pub. = published)
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