Jocosities, August 1 - 20, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Time to Spray

“It’s time to spray for this and that,”

     So farming papers say;

“If you would like to raise good fruit,

     You’ve simply got to spray.

If you would raise good garden “sass,”

     Or anything today,

You’ve got to get your sprayer out,

     And spray and spray and spray.”

If you would keep a shady tree,

     Where children like to swing;

If you would save its spreading leaves,

     You’ve got to spray in spring.

If you would grow a summer squash,

     Or berries, by the way,

You got to quit your springtime spree,

     And have a springtime spray.

And so it is on down the line,

     When sin would ply its art,

You want to get your sprayer out

     And spray your budding heart.

When microbes, graft and fungus sin,

     And may stand in your way,

Turn on the hose of righteousness,

     And spray, my brother, spray!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Don’t brag uv your fish till you hev ketched him, an’ even then on’y to strangers.”

______

The Great Meet

While Jocosity readers as scanning these lines, with one hand on the coffee cup, or perhaps on the street car strap, Father Jocosity will be speeding toward the gay and festive city of Montreal, comfortably seated in a Grand Trunk Pullman with his feet in the bundle rack. While he will sympathize with toiling, sweating Boston this week, he will not be a part of it except in spirit. The great meet of the American Press Humorists takes place in Montreal beginning today, and it is necessary that Father Jocosity be there to preserve order and decorum. There must be a strong hand and a well-balanced mind ever present.

But Father Jocosity has provided that his readers shall not suffer during his absence. He has had built for him a special pocket wireless telejoke, and will be in constant communication with his desk. Whether he be sitting under a Canadian fir, whispering sweet somethings in the ear of an unsophisticated French maiden, whether he be shooting the Lachine Rapids or an unruly member of the association, it won’t matter. Jocosities will continue to brighten or blighten whomsoever takes a chance under their glare.

______

Town and Country

You take the crowded city street,

     With life and shops galore,

I’ll take the little woodland path

     Down by the river shore.

You take the public gardens where

     All is arranged by plan,

I’ll take the scenes laid out by God,

     And undisturbed by man.

You take the fountain on the lawn,

     And listen to its tale,

I’ll listen to the winding brook

     That murmurs through the vale.

You live the artificial life,

     And I will live the real,

And joy will come to me in mine

     That yours can ne’er reveal.

______

Financial Note

If handsome is as handsome does, then some of the doers must be awfully handsome.

______

A Professional Viewpoint

(Contributed.)

First artist – They say that little sea sketch of mine looks real natural; rather good compliment, eh?

Second artist – Oh, that is only because you painted it in water colors! – Walt Brian.

______

Society Note

Man is known by the company he keeps; women by the company next door.

______

True Nature Lovers

First suburbanite – Aren’t you going to take a vacation this year?

Second suburbanite – No; you see, we expect a mess of peas out of our own garden about the middle of the month, and we don’t want to go away and leave them.

______

A Velvet Grip

Jack – Has Ellen thrown Charlie over?

Mabel – Oh, no; she has only just let go so as to get a stronger hold.

______

Those Jealous Summer Girls

Clara – So are you really engaged to George at last?

Dora – Yes; isn’t it just beautiful?

Clara – I’m glad for you; and he’s such a brave fellow, too.

Dora – Is George brave?

Clara – I should say he was. Why, he upset the skiff we were in last summer purposely, and declared he wouldn’t save me unless I promised to marry him.

______

At the Piano

By the piano lingering,

     Watching her mobile face,

And graceful hands a-fingering,

     As they the motif trace;

I stand there ever wondering

     At her consummate skill;

This question also pondering –

     Does she, too, feel the thrill?

Then when finally desisting

     She gazes up to me,

Fate no longer I’m resisting,

     From doubt I must be free;

And I find myself expressing

     The sentiments I feel;

But her look grows quite distressing,

     O’er her face the shadows steal.

“Oh,” she said, “how disconcerting!

     Why could you not have guessed?

With the boys I’m only flirting;

     I love my music best.

If you find me entertaining,

     I like to have you call;

But forgive me for remaining

     A sister to you all.”

   Dorchester.                   H. E. F.

____________

Aug. 1, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

“Chew Your Cud”

You never see a slow ol’ cow

Git into trouble, hey?

So long ez she staid in the lot,

An’ never run away?

She never got run down by cars,

     Or mired in the mud,

Az long ez she staid close to home

     An’ et an’ chewed her cud?

I hed a great ambition once

     To sail financial seas;

I thought Wall street would bow to me

Ez purty ez you please.

An’ so I took my satchel bag

     An’ tried to stem the flood;

While brother Bill he staid at home

     An’ et an’ chewed his cud.

I walked from New York back to home,

     I’ve be’n here ever sence;

I started in to work ag’in,

     But staid inside the fence.

I’ve let the other fellers try

     To clip finance’s bud;

I’ve staid right here an’ worked an’ saved,

     An’ et an’ chewed my cud.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“A terbacker heart is all right ef it’s in the right place.”

______

Zephyr Note

The average man is handy at finding fault at the lack of a good breeze until he tries to read a newspaper out of doors.

______

Canoe Hints

No swim, no canoe.

Don’t try to be an Indian.

Don’t fool until you get ashore.

Learn to swim before you learn to paddle.

Still waters run deep; also they are wet.

Let “Right side up, with care,” be your motto.

A canoe well in hand is worth two bottom up.

Don’t even change your minds while canoeing, let alone seats.

Always have life preservers handy other than a pair of strong arms.

A rowboat may not be so pretty, but it goes further in time of need.

It’s a fine thing to be able to paddle your own canoe, but a finer one to be able to get your companion ashore.

A water-tight compartment in either end would be more useful sometimes than a phonograph and a Japanese parosol.

______

Getting Fame

The fish ‘twill bite,

     And get away,

May live to try’t

     Another day.

At any rate,

     Without a doubt,

He’ll be the skate

     Most talked about.

______

Discontinued

Ethel – Jack doesn’t call any more?

Maude – Not since he got that call from father.

______

Mother Goose for Moderns

(Contributed.)

A rain-beau at morning

Is the mother’s warning;

A rain-beau at night

Is the girlie’s delight.

Mary, Mary, quite contrary,

   How does your motor go?

       “With sudden jumps,

        And mighty thumps,

And funerals all in a row!”

Mendon.                               “J.” L.

______

Easy Essays

(The Peanut.)

It would seem that the peanut is too well known to need any introduction, but occasionally we find a person who has no intimate acquaintance with this most appetizing and healthful of ground fruits. People who have been looking for the larger and more showy things in life, like the grapefruit, the egg plant and the mammoth yellow pumpkin, have passed right by the little peanut scorning to even notice its existence. But it is the little things in life that count, especially where the peanut is concerned.

Peanuts were first extensively introduced to this portion of the country by P. T. Barnum as a sort of side show to his great circus. The master showman saw that it would take something more than a half-dozen elephants and a couple of bareback riders to keep an immense audience quiet during a long performance; consequently, he introduced the peanut as a sort of filler. In this he again showed his ability and judgment. As a filler the peanut has been a great success. And then we give Mr. Barnum credit for looking deeper into the value of a peanut. The public has a fondness for feeding the animals. P. T. saw this and knew that if the circus throng was well peanuted half of the quantity would go to the animals and his expense for feeding them would be greatly lessened.

Peanuts are grown in warm countries, but roasted and eaten mostly in cooler ones. Its standing is not very high in its native haunts, though it is said to be an excellent fodder for fattening hogs. (This is only hearsay; we have never put it to actual test.) Another name for the peanut is the ground nut, which is quite appropriate since thousands of bushels of them are ground into peanut butter, while we have heard it whispered, ever so lightly, that in some cases the shells are ground either into breakfast food or cocoa, or both. But you can’t tell anything by what you hear, or hardly by what you taste.

____________

Aug. 2, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Some Summer Quatrains

THE CHANGEABLE MAN

O, isn’t life a funny thing?

     Eight months ago you loudly swore

You’d give a lot to find a spot

     Where you could get warm once more!

MORE RHYME THAN REASON

A picnic is a lively prance,

     For quiet little boys, perchance,

When they alas! Sit on the grass

     And get their pants chock full of ants.

PASSING FLOWERS

How doth the little busy bee

     Drain every flower to its dregs,

Then change its ways, leave bright bouquets,

     Forget-me-nots on Johnnie’s legs.

THE MODERN SAMPSONESS

The summer girl is strong, they say,

     She surely is, we must admit,

To break a dozen hearts a day,

     And show no outward signs of it.

NOT AN OBSOLETE CASE

“Ice cream is good for invalids,”

     He heard the doctor say, he did;

And since that night, young Willie, bright,

     Has been a partial invalid.

ALONG THE BEACH

That calves are fond of water, too,

     As well as milk, I’m prone to think;

It must be true, because we view

     So many standing in the drink.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“The over suspisious pusson usually hez his hands full uv waste material.”

______

Weather Note

There are very few people in the world but who know enough to go in when it rains and get somebody else’s umbrella.

______

Before and After

“They had a runaway marriage, didn’t they?”

“Yes; and a walkahome return.”

______

Give and Take

Beacon – What’s your idea of a happy man?

Hill – One who never asks questions.

______

Sure Method

“If we could only tell what the other party is thinking of?”

“Oh, that’s easy.”

“How?”

“Just start something.”

______

Cause for Joy

Hank Stubbs – The autymobiles are knockin’ our roads all to holler.

Bige Miller – Waal, ain’t you satisfied ez long ez it’s on’y the roads?

______

Musings of the Office Boy

A big willow plume is a fine thing – on an ostrich.

A good presence is de best present you can present.

White duck pants and a yachtin’ cap don’t make a skipper.

De right kind of a boss don’t forget how he used to like to go to the circus.

Love makes de world go round, but it’s de good arm of de pitcher dat revolves the sphere.

Perhaps clothes don’t make de man, but dey go a long ways towards makin’ him feel up to de next feller.

______

Fetching

“Smile,” and the world looks at you.

Say, “Step up,” and the world is with you with both feet.

______

Man’s View of It

“What about that book, ‘As in a Looking Glass?’”

“Must be a regular woman’s story.”

______

Psalm of the Wise

Lives of burglars oft remind us

     We can make our lives sublime

Putting evil deeds behind us,

     And not doing county time.

______

The Grouch Hour

Aviator’s son – What’s the matter with pa this morning?

Aviator’s wife – O I don’t know; he’s up in the air over something.

______

An Auto-biographical Problem

(Contributed.)

I am getting on in years,

     And fearful ev’ry day

Of turning auto drivers’ hair

     A prematurely gray;

Because of my propensity

     For getting in the way.

But what am I to do

     While rounding out my stay?

Let Clootie take the hindmost,

     Or in the road delay

Till some angelic chauffeur,

     From a golden auto, say,

“Step in, my friend, I’m going home,

     Your company, I pray?”

Melrose.                                T. F.

____________

Aug. 3, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Dad’s Old Grindstone

Under a spreading russet bough,

     Uncared for and alone,

Through summer’s sun and winter’s snow

     Has stood dad’s old grindstone.

And I in fancy see it now

     Almost with weeds o’ergrown.

How well I recollect each morn

     That dad would call to me,

At break of day to come and turn

     The stone beneath the tree.

And every whirl ‘twould squeak and groan,

And much exerted be.

My hands would blister, peel and tear,

     But I made ne’er a face;

‘Twas better to be blistered there

     Than on some other place.

So, while the lark-songs filled the air

     The grinding went apace.

I steal from town life oft in ruth

     And look the old scenes through;

And though it sounds a bit uncouth

     I find these words come true:

“The work I dreaded so in youth,

     I now would gladly do.”

I’m turning now the stone of life,

     While grinding fortune’s blade;

With nicks and cracks extremely rife

     And rather poorly made.

And oft the stone squeaks in the strife

     Like dad’s beneath the shade.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“It’s all right to belong to the ‘don’t worry club’ ef you ain’t too keerless a member.”

______

Health Note

A monument awaits the man who shall find out the real cause of the Sunday morning headache.

______

Wake Up!

Tell me not in mournful verses

     Life is skim-milk, with no cream;

Just be thankful for your mercies,

     Change your nightmare to a dream.

______

A Good Get-Away

“How do you get away from the man who’s continually talking about himself?”

“Easy; I just break in and begin to talk about myself.”

______

Our Meekness

We wouldn’t be the under dog

     And get the sympathy;

We’d rather be the over dog,

     And get the victory.

______

And Yet –

Sorehed – There’s such a thing as carrying a joke too far!

Piper – Yes; to the editor, for instance.

______

Easy Essays

(The Horse.)

The horse is a noble animal. This has been said before, but so has “Beauty is only skin deep,” “The good die young” and “O, you kid!” and numberless other bright and pat remarks heard with every tick of the clock. So, when we say here that the horse is a noble animal it is not said in the light of cheap imitation, but as a choice bit of reiteration. Reiteration is a fine thing if it isn’t reiterated to death.

It is nothing to be ashamed of to repeat a great truth like “The horse is a noble animal.” Because, as a matter of fact, he is, and is growing more and more so as time goes on and trolley cars, automobiles and airships multiply and replenish the earth. One of the truest sayings of the times is, “Meat is high,” and the horse is chock full of meat. Anything that is scarce and high and almost unattainable is more or less noble, consequently we feel pretty well clinched when we assert that the horse is more noble at the present time than of former years.

To describe the horse briefly: He has four legs, a head and a tail, the two latter being the same as those upon the average coin, opposite. He is hitched into a wagon and driven either for business or pleasure. If he is slow then there is no pleasure. Then, in the circus, the horse is useful for showing off the fine points of the beautiful bareback riders. If the horse feels his oats too much he may kick, and then if he doesn’t feel his oats he will kick.

There are many kinds of horses, the regular horse, the saw-horse, the clothes-horse and the hors’ de combat. Never try to ride the latter unless you are superior to the other fellow. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink, but when it comes to eating no persuasion is necessary. Horse sense will do the rest.

______

Love’s Limericks

(Contributed.)

A rich charmer that none would call slow,

Chose a callow young man for her beau;

          Many letters she’d write,

          Were he out of sight;

But she tired; then gave him the go.

Though much hurt this youth was quite thrifty;

“I’ll teach her she can’t be so shifty,”

          Said he – “The public take note

          I am nobody’s goat.”

So he up and sued her for fifty.

Now will his poor heart that is bleeding

Get this balm that it so much is needing?

          To bridge the long wait

          For the jury to state,

We’ve her letters for light summer reading.

   Dorchester.                           H. E. F.

____________

Aug. 4, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

A Tale of the Pin

An editor lay in bed one night,

     In the throes of a troubled sleep;

A storm broke loose o’er the trembling land

     And the face of the mighty deep.

He thought he was lashed to an oaken plank,

     While, down from the blood-red sky,

Descended a pin, fully ten feet long,

     With “death” in its one great eye.

Straight, straight for his breast the thing came down

     To smite him his death-like blow;

While fire flashed off from its cruel barbs

     And tortured him with its glow.

He shrank and shriveled and moaned with pain,

     As the pin ran him through and through;

And e’re he was gone to the Kingdom come,

     A writer popped into view.

He was dressed as the devil, with flaming fork,

     And his face was a sight to see;

He gazed on the pain of the editor

     While his eyes they danced in glee.

“You have punctured for years my manuscripts!”

     He cried with a frenzied yell,

“And it’s tit for tat!” And the pin went deep

     And the editor went – and died.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“The donkey may hev a good ear fur music, but his voice offsets all his other good p’ints.”

______

Light Talk

If you want to make a light shine, trim it.

Alcohol was never meant to light you internally.

When you find your match take it philosophically.

Too much light in the parlor never hurried an engagement.

When a stranger asks you for a light put your left hand over your watch.

If you hide your light under a bushel don’t look for more than a peck of success.

You may not be your brother’s keeper, but you can always do a little towards lighting his way,

If your light is burning at both ends it is bound to reach the middle sooner or later.

Moonlight may not be so beneficial as sunlight, but the conditions are much more agreeable.

If your gas meter keeps working while your house is closed for the summer it shows that there is something wrong with the system.

Above all, keep a light heart, a light countenance and a light expense account, and time, and some other things won’t hang so heavily on your hands.

______

Gungy Conservatism

Hank Stubbs – They’s a report around town thet Jedge Patten’s son hez got the aeronotical fever.

Bige Miller – Thet’s funny; I met Doc. Bradford this mornin’ an’ he never said a word about it.

______

“The Easiest Way”

Biffe – Do you use an alarm clock to get up by?

Buffe – No; I just roll out of bed.

______

A Good Judge

A Williamsburg, N. Y., man has been fined two dollars for snoring. Here is something worth listening to. It seems a officer of the Williamsburg bridge squad brought one Sam Unger, a driver, into Essex Market court, charged with disturbing the peace. “He snored so loud while he was crossing the bridge on his wagon,” said the policeman, “that I couldn’t hear my own beat, and so I run him in.” “You sure he wasn’t calling to someone passing below in a boat?” asked the judge. “No, your honor, he was asleep on his wagon seat,” asserted the officer. “You are fined two dollars,” said the judge, “and hereafter sleep on your side.”

Here is a precedent worth while. We have always contended that snoring was needless, and is for the most part simple carelessness on the part of the snorer. If a man knew he was going to be fined for snoring, he would either put a clothespin over his nose or else lie awake and see that he didn’t allow himself to do it. It is against the law for a man to discharge firearms within the city limits; why shouldn’t the same law apply to snoring? The discharge of a firearm would be a momentary affair, while the boom of the snorer lasts all night long.

It is more than probable that this particular judge has at some time or other lived in a boarding house. No doubt he has many a time been ruthlessly awakened in the middle of the night thinking he heard the rattle and throbbing of the fire engine outside the house, and has seized his trousers in a hurry and gone down five flights, four stairs at a time, only to find when he reached the street that the noise was due to a chronic snorer either under him or over his head. Now that this judge and his faithful officer have set the pace, it is hoped the rest of the men in authority the country over will follow in their footsteps. In any rate, it is high time for the snoring world to take a hint and “sleep on its side.”

____________

Aug. 5, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Bullhead Is Ahead

(Prices this week: Whitefish, 6c.; trout, 7c.; white bass, 6c.; perch, 3c.; pike, 7c.; pickerel, 5c.; Bullheads, 8c.)

No more the fancy speckled trout,

     Or perch or festive bass,

Or e’en the pickerel or pike

     All other fish outclass.

For once, at least, the market says,

     With no unsartin ring,

Thet other fish hev gone ‘way back –

     An’ Bullhead, he is King!

Ol’ Bullhead down on Lizzard Crick!

     Waal, now, thet tickles me;

I’ve allus stuck right up for him

     Threw thick an’ thin, by Gee!

I’ve allus ‘lowed thet he wuz fine,

     Way ‘head uv ev’rything;

An’ now I feel like hollerin

     ‘Cuz ol’ Bullhead is King!

I’ve praised him up in sketch an’ tale,

     I’ve poetized him, too;

I’ve fished for him on Lizzard Crick

     Long summer evenin’s through.

An’ fancy fishermen hev laughed

     Whene’er my songs I’d sing;

But now, behold! the trout is down,

     An’ ol’ Bullhead is King!

O Bullhead, dream of Lizzard Crick!

     Big head an’ body small;

Moustache an’ horns, an’ sharp backfin,

     You’re greatest uv them all.

Fur food or fun I much prefer

     To git you on a string;

An’ I am tickled mos’ tew death

     To hol’ you up ez King!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Music hath charm ef it is loud enough to drown some other music thet’s wuss.”

______

Musings of the Office Boy

Dey’s no fool like a foolish one.

“Eat, drink and be merry” means ice water and chocolates.

I made a mistake when I come in dis office in sayin’ I was an orphan.

Lots o’ folks take care of deyr pennies till dey get enough for a movin’ picture show.

De boss gives me lots o’ good advice, but somebody else gets his cast off clothing.

I don’t care how often people get my goat as long as dey don’t take away my umbrella.

______

The Bathing Critics

“I’ve worn them long, I’ve worn them short,

     I’ve worn them blue and red;

I’ve worn them tight, and worn them loose,

The best the modiste could produce –

Can’t suit them all, so what’s the use?”

     The suited maiden said.

______

Machine-Made Man

“Skeene is an enthusiastic walker, isn’t he?”

“Yes; he owned one for two years or more.”

______

Waiting for a Calm

Mrs. Rouser (2 A. M.) – John, John! Is that you coming up the stairs?

Mr. Rouser – Itsch me, dear, all right, but I ain’t comin’ up the stairsh, not till they get settles down, shee?

______

Summer Night

(Contributed.)

The world’s agleam, o’er vale and hill,

     The moonlight now is falling;

Loud from the thicket by the rill,

     The whip-poor-will is calling.

Soft summer breezes gently pass,

     Sweet odors warmly blowing

From meadows where the new-mown grass

     Lies fragrant in the mowing.

The arch above, serene and bright,

     Now shows a jeweled setting,

As twinkling stars each add their light

     The brilliant moon abetting.

Fantastic clouds, that sail on high,

     Are heaven’s own designing,

And as they float across the sky

     With silver sheen are shining.

Whate’er of shade our eyes may scan

     But makes the brightness clearer,

And ever brings to heart of man

     Night’s wondrous beauty nearer.

The night with witching power indued,

     Into our hearts is stealing,

As Nature is in kindly mood

     Her mellowed charms revealing.

     Webster.                              S. G. R.

____________

Aug. 6, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

A Glimpse of the Past

There’s nothing for me in the up-to-date schemes,

     In the methods of travel so fast;

I live in the midst of far-away dreams,

     I dote on the things of the past.

I yearn not to soar far away in the skies,

     I stand before science aghast;

Let me live in the days of the stage and the chaise,

     Let me dwell in the peace of the past.

I shrink from the hurry that shatters the lives

     Of the people who dwell in the mart.

They flounder and swerve on the strength of their nerve,

     Like a boat minus compass or chart.

O, the roil and the broil of the everyday life,

     With its tendencies mighty and fast;

It is well for the souls who are striving for goals,

     But I want the sweet peace of the past.

I want the old horse and I want the old chaise,

     And the ride down the old shady lane;

And I want the sweet maid who knows nothing of trade,

     But who knows how to handle the rein.

And I want the old mill by the languishing stream,

     And the rest of the churchyard at last;

I see nothing but waste in this hurry and haste,

     Let me live in the dreams of the past.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Backslidin’ is a mighty poor move.”

______

Everyday Philosophy

Marry in haste and repent in-stanter.

It is hard for an engaged girl to hide it – the ring.

Grafters are employed by farmers. Grafters employ farmers.

A bad penny doesn’t always return; when it’s borrowed, for instance.

One swallow doesn’t make a summer, but enough of them produce serpents.

Look not upon the wine when it is red; it tastes better with your eyes closed.

A woman’s crowning glory, in her own eyes, is something she wears on top of her hair.

“Why is a Gibson girl so popular?” Every girl is a Gibson girl – in her own mind.

There’s more than two sides to the question if it develops that the girl has to ask her papa’s consent.

If a person refuses to have his or her picture taken, usually there is an excellent reason for it.

“I shall continue to write poems of passion as long as people have a passion for my poetry.” – Ella Willer Wheelcox.

There is one thing to say in favor of the mosquito: He doesn’t sneak up like a thief in the night; he sings out his approach.

The young man thinks: That the old duffer who holds a girl’s hand longer than is necessary while shaking it ought to have his own tied behind him.

______

Taking Things

The airship man who cavorts on high,

     And defies the wind and the rain,

Not only takes his life in his hands,

     But also his aeroplane.

______

Business Before Spooning

Summer boarder – I worship the very ground you walk on!

Miss Rustic – Then why don’t you buy it, Mr. Towner; I’ve heard pa say he’d sell it for $4 an acre?

______

Easy Essays

(The Rod.)

“Spare the rod and spoil the child.” Thus runs a passage of scripture which has perhaps done more to make the small boy doubt the good intentions of the Bible than even the story of Jonah and the whale. Not one boy in a thousand will ever acknowledge that he deserves a “lickin’,” and so of course he has to have something to lay it to; he either thinks it is because his mother is out of sorts or because the Bible recommends it as being a good thing. Far be it from us to say that it is not a good thing, now that we have grown beyond the reach of it.

But while we are in doubt as to the wisdom of sparing the rod that mother uses, we want to go on record as syaing that it is very unwise to spare the rod that father likes to use so well. By this we mean the fishing rod, the delight of all boys and not a few girls. We would like to create a new saying to take the place of the old one; one which we think will find greater favor amongst the boys, and perhaps set some of the careless parents to thinking. It would read like this: “Spare the rod and the boy will play hookey and go fishing anyway.” Perhaps it is a little long for a terse maxim, but you can’t mistake its meaning.

The dictionary gives as a meaning of the word “rod,” an instrument of punishment. This may be taken in two ways. To use it may be punishment, but to be denied the use of it may be a greater one. We believe more good can be accomplished with the fishing rod than with the whaling rod. If we were a boy we would rather hear, “Johnnie, if you get that patch of corn hoed this week you can go fishing Saturday,” than “John, if you don’t get that patch of corn hoed by Saturday I’ll give you a taste of the rod.” We have always believed that one fishing rod is equal to two furlongs of labor.

______

The Poor

(Contributed.)

You waste your pity, rich men, on the poor,

     The kingdom’s theirs, and ye are reckoned slaves;

     Pray heaven at last ye be not counted knaves.

The balance trembles, though the gods endure

Oppression, but, ere long, be sure

     It shall come straight, with horrible rebound.

     Oppress, condemn. revile till heaven comes round

And hell: These twain shall all unkindness cure.

God’s Christians are the kind, and these alone;

     The poor grow kind, and these we Christians call

     The rich are pitiful, but pity’s proud.

Were I outcast from kindred of my own,

     Penniless, despised, and quite bereft of all

     To God I’d cry in secret, but to the poor aloud.

                                  H. A. KENDALL.

____________

Aug. 7, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Right on Time

There are too many different kinds

     Of men you daily meet;

Men in the office, on the trains,

     And on the crowded street.

Men fast, men slow, men old or young,

     And men right in their prime;

Men never up to scratch, and men

     Who always are on time.

The man who’s just a bit behind

     Has lost his morning train;

He’s late to work, and time has fled

     He can’t make up again,

The whole day drags, and with his boss

     He’s lost his grip sublime;

His envelope is light because

     He wasn’t right on time.

And so it’s up to you and me,

     And up to every man,

To be right up and doing if

     We want to lead the van.

We do not need to fret and stew,

     And try the skies to climb,

But with a little extra push

     We all can be on time.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Not ev’ry book is bound to be a classic.”

______

Musings of the Office Boy

Dey’s more’n one way to skin a customer.

Try to suit ev’rybody and you might as well look for a new job.

Most stenog’s can hold their jobs if there’s plenty of good spellers in the office.

You most always meet somebody you don’t want to if you sneak round to a ball game.

I heard the boss and the stenog’ make an agreement one day not to never eat no more onions.

You get docked if you are late, but nobody ain’t willin’ to pay you any more if you are a long ways ahead of time.

______

Lines by the Office Boy

I ain’t no hand to run away,

     I ain’t no coward, see?

But she, she licked a stamp today –

     I wish that stamp was me.

I ain’t a longing to be hurt

     By any one, but gee!

She bit a apple, and I wisht

     That apple core was me.

______

The Auto at the Farm

(Contributed.)

“I’ve got a letter, mother, here; our John has writ to say

He’s comin’ home to see the folks – may come ‘most any day.

Somehow I hate to tell ye, Ma, I kinder do, I vum,

That John has got an auto now, an’s goin’ to bring it hum.

“It seems to me, Elis’beth, so I swear by Tubal Cain!

They’re just the last invention of the strangest sort o’ brain –

A tearin’ down the medder road, an’ rushin’ by the brook,

An’ o’er the hill an’ out o’ sight ‘fore ye can get a look!

“What can a man that’s dashin’ by, with goggles on his eyes,

Know of the joy o’ Nature’s ways, or blue o’ summer skies?

Or how can one whose ears are stunned with tootin’ of a horn

Hear soft winds whisperin’ in the trees or rustlin’ in the corn?

“These many years our span o’ grays, with steady step an’ free,

I’ve kinder thought were good enough to carry you and me.

Their satin coats an’ tossin’ manes an’ nostrils’ quiv’rin’ breath –

I’d never be forgiven on earth to part with Lu an’ Beth!

There’s somethin’ kinder touchin’, now, that almost makes one cry

To feel the full confidin’ of a dumb brute’s lovin’ eye.

An’ I never read in Scripter yet, by all that’s true above,

That gasoline an’ varnishin’ could ere respond to love.

“There’s no more room, I sometimes think, for common sort o’ joys;

These blamed new inventions here are all for speed an’ noise.

With crazy bands, an’ mad’nin’ wheels an’ tootin’ horns an’ such,

It often seems this fair old world goes on ‘to beat the Dutch’.

“But you an’ I, tho’ all the world goes whirlin’ on like mad,

Will keep our hearts with simple faith – the same we’ve always had.

An’ trust the boy who climbed our knee, in spite o’ worldly lure,

Since grace still leads, an’ love still keeps, will ere be true an’ pure.

“So, mother, get the china out, the auto never mind;

Our John shall have a welcome home – the real old-fashioned kind.

There’s much that modern progress is leavin’ in the lurch,

For every thing’s been tackled, e’en the very creed an’ church.

“But while harvest follows plantin’ time, an’ sunshine follows rain,

I guess that father-love an’ mother-love will never be in vain.

The hearthstone’s loyal welcomin’, the homestead’s open door,

Will touch true hearts the world around, till time shall be no more.

                           HELEN S. AVERILL.

     Bangor, Me.

______

Men Are Growing Better

A paragrapher wants to know what has become of the old-fashioned girl who used to blush so often.

Simply this: The men behave themselves better than they used to.

______

Down and Out

Old King Coal was a merry old soul,

     A merry old soul was he;

But old King Ice, has now gets the price,

     And Coal gets the big G.B.

____________

Aug. 8, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Sliding Scale

Men like to fish

     Upon the stream

Where they can wish

     And smoke and dream.

They like to laze

     Upon the job,

And dream and gaze

     Upon the bob.

They may be gone

From bungalow

From early morn

     Till twilight glow;

They have not caught

     One-half a mess,

But they have bought

     Much happiness.

One thing about

     A fishing tale,

It has, no doubt,

     A sliding scale.

Six inches spare

     Upon the lake

Will, far from there,

     Twelve inches make.

And so the tale

     Grows every day;

The sliding scale

     Is made to play.

And few, alack!

     Though full of pride,

Refuse, when back,

     To make the slide!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“A good many folks, in tryin’ to kill two birds with one stun, miss both an’ hit an innercent bystander.”

______

Summer Resort Note

The papers say Coney Island is wide open, which means, of course, to criticism.

______

A Specialist

“Is Gadzooks smart?”

“Is he smart? Say, that fellow can refold a tourist map in the exact way it ought to go.”

______

Cheerful Comment

Miss Pitonof Rose to the occasion.

Caruso can now give a high financial note, also.

But it is a far cry from Soldier’s Field to Squantum.

Maine is soon to be intoxicated with real political firewater.

But a marriage isn’t half so exciting with everybody’s consent.

Anyhow, Mrs. Pierce can’t exceed the speed limit on board the Vaderland.

Canada is pretty well annexed now, if tourists count for anything.

Yes, John L. is still lingering at Reno, but Mrs. John L. is keeping close to him.

Mrs. Longworth refuses to talk. That is right; now she ought to refuse to smoke.

It now goes on record that the hobble skirt has broken a limb. But think of the number of hearts it has already broken!

They are spanking burglars down in New Jersey, but whether that mode of treatment would do for all localities depends on the burg.

______

The Champion Caster

O, see him now within his boat,

     About to cast a fly;

He twirls his rod, then lets it go

     Upon the lake to lie.

But did the bait curve far and wide?

     Ah! No, a turn it took,

Then caught him where the pants hung loose,

     Which counted him “nigh hook!”

______

A Loving Couple

Mrs. Oldchum – I suppose you and Henry get along as lovingly as ever?

Mrs. Haply – O, my, yes; you see, Henry’s business is such that he only gets home every other month or so.

______

A Costly Sneeze

It is funny what inopportune times some people will take for sneezing. A sneeze is most always a comfortable, relieving situation, but one should use a little judgment about it. For instance, a man should never sneeze just as he is about to ask a sensitive maiden for her hand, and a burglar should refrain from sneezing when he is on the point of administering chloroform to a sleeping victim. Recently a letter carrier of Haverhill was walking across a bridge when he was seized with the desire to sneeze. “Here,” said he to himself, “is a fine place for a good, old-fashioned sneeze, the kind father used to make. Plenty of room, and nobody to whom I must apologize.” So he drew back and snoze – we would say, sneezed – and lo! His nice, new false teeth flew out over the rail and into the river went they. Now, this man lacked self-control; he should have waited till he reached the other side, where his teeth would have had a good landing place. Of course, he realizes that now, but he should have thought of it before. For the man who wants to sneeze when he wants to there is but one safe way, and that is to follow the straw hat trick: Have a hole bored in the plate, attach a string thereto and tie it to the lapel of your coat. Then you can sneeze in perfect safety, whether crossing a bridge or leaning over the side of a boat talking to a fair passenger. It might be embarrassing, but it is safe.

____________

Aug. 9, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Waiting for Will at the Mill

(Tune: Any old popular air.)

I.

She stood in the lane when the sunset came,

     Just down behind the old mill;

Her eyes were agleam as a maid in a dream,

     While she thought of her absent Will.

She had let down the bars for the uneasy cows,

     Who were looing to go to their home;

“Why doesn’t he come, and not leave me here dumb,

     Why doesn’t he come to his own?”

                  REFRAIN:

      “Will he come, will he not,

     Willie’s always so slow;

      Will he leave me here, will he,

     Will I stay, will I go?

      Will he find me in tears,

     Will he call me his silly?

      O, will he come back,

     To his Millie, will Willie?”

                       II.

And she stood, and she stood in the twilight glow,

    While the cows they wended their way;

But the maid wouldn’t move, her love she would prove,

    If it took till her dying day.

O, reader, don’t think this is punk that I write,

    It will make a big hit with the throng;

Just wait till it’s seen on a big picture screen,

    In the name of a popular song.

                      REFRAIN:

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Be good an’ you’ll be lonesome, but it’s better to be lonesome an’ be safe.”

______

Society Note

It is reported that the Duke of Abruzzi has an engagement – to lecture in Washington. The visit and the lecture are all right as far as they go, but what the most of us want to know is, will this engagement be fulfilled before or after?

______

Cheerful Comment

May New York’s mayor be a rapid gainer.

No wonder that Newport constable is Cross.

Every now and then a contrary automobile turns up.

Before you eat toadstools be sure that they aren’t.

Married men as a rule don’t like that name, “merry widow.”

Dr. Cook’s friends say he will not go to the pole again. Why “again?”

Carrie DeMar has a hobble skirt on the stage; that’s a good place for it.

There is no good reason why Miss Pitonof shouldn’t try the vaudeville swim.

A physician says that veils cause red noses on the women. But the men don’t wear veils, and –

As was to be expected, Crippen is beginning to receive billet doux, bouquets and offers of marriage.

A Michigan doctor has left all his property to his two pet monkeys. Here’s hoping they will appreciate it; some don’t.

Justice Goff of New York coty asked a lady lawyer to remove her hat while she was handling her case. Evidently he was afraid the large picture might hide the real facts of the case.

______

Unsuitable Suits

There are some things at Coney Isle

      The public cannot stand;

Although it suits some bathers not,

      The one-piece suit is canned.

______

Shoo Fly!

Pittsburg is coming out of the dark ages little by little. The dairy and food commissioner, James Foust, is pouncing upon all delinquent dealers in provisions who are not obeying orders to protect their wares against the disease bearing fly. Due allowance is made, of course, for local conditions, for there are times in Pittsburg when dealers can’t tell whether there are any flies around or not.

______

Men are So Hard to Waken

Mrs. Riser – John, John, wake up, there’s a burglar downstairs in the pantry!

Mr. Riser (sleepily) – Let ‘m alone, dear; the pantry can do ‘em more harm ‘n I can.

______

New Clothes on Old Forms

(Contributed.)

“Too many cooks” – spoil the bank-book.

“A miss is as good” – as a Mister, any day.

“Charity begins” – with your poor relation.

“Fools rush in” – where saints would fear to wed.

“A switch in time” – saves the price of a wig.

“Truth is stranger than fiction” – but not half so popular.

“There’s many a slip” – twixt the coin and the pocketbook.

“Early to bed and early to rise” – makes a young man quite a surprise!

______

Like John, on Patmos Isle

(Contributed.)

We strive too much for place of power and pride.,

     For worldly wealth and fellow-mortals’ praise;

     The world’s vain glories, all our passing days

Still draw our eager feet to paths aside.

We seek for change, reject the tried and true,

     Our lot we loathe, with burning discontent;

     On ease and pleasure every thought is bent

As headlong we some fancied joy pursue.

Rather should we, like John on Patmos Isle,

     Though doomed to toil, in spirit rise on high;

There catch again the Master’s tender smile,

     And glimpse celestial glories passing by;

With raptured soul hear for a little while

     Redemption’s praiseful song ring through the sky.

     Webster.                            S. G. R.

____________

Aug. 10, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Auto Craze

Since father’s got the auto craze

We’ve had to change our means and ways;

Life ain’t the same for ma and me,

Nor for the ones who come to see

Us here upon the farm, and they

Don’t come no more to make a stay.

In fact the place seems in a daze

Since father got the auto craze.

We got a peck of mail a day,

But every piece that comes our way

Is just a catalogue that pa

Has written for about some car,

And ‘stid of hayin’ in the bogs

He spends his time with catalogues.

He’ll set and study them for days

Since he has got the auto craze.

And ‘stid of talkin’ crops and feed

It’s carbureters, plugs and speed;

No more he talks of beans and corn,

But of the kind of auto horn

He’s goin’ to get, till ma and me

Are just as weary as can be.

There’s nothing we can say will phase

 Pa since he’s got the auto craze.

Ma says we’re short of wood for fires,

Pa says he’s thinkin’ over tires;

Ma says the kerosene is out,

Pa says he thinks a runabout

Would do at first, and then – alas! –

He’ll have a car that’s got some class.

I guess the only cure for pa

Is just to let him get a car.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Some folks go to a concert to listen, an’ some to drown’ed it with their conversation.”

______

Foreign Note

From good authority it comes that the Chinese are turning from opium to the cigarette, which they are using in large quantities. Isn’t this jumping from the frying pan into the fire? Take your narcotics however you will, a Chinese cigarette is a dope stick still.

______

Cheerful Comment

Poor Joe Gans couldn’t “come back.”

We’ll all be in Squantum about fly time.

An east wind would have been no addition Tuesday night.

That Elkins marriage appears to need some more consents.

Reads almost like a joke, the burning of an asbestos plant.

“Big corn crop in Mexico.”  This will be welcome news to the hen crop.

Two hundred and sixty-five new engines for the New York Central means going some.

It is not states whether the $2000 Pullman dog traveller tipped the porter accordingly.

“John D. Rockefeller fined $5 for over-speeding.” The dispatch fails to say whether or not the road was oiled.

That fish story from Niagara in which a sturgeon put a power boat out of business would be a comedy if it weren’t so near a tragedy.

______

Had Your Vacation Yet?

Theatrical announcements remind us

     That autumn’s drawing near;

That the summer is behind us,

     And melancholy days are near.

______

Why don’t some girls we know get into bathing suits, and why don’t some others keep out of them?

______

Where Poetry Pays

The bards like to write the four-line verse,

     They think it is immense;

For they get one per, but the joke? No, sir,

     It brings but fifty cents!

______

Lubricating Note

Sometimes the word corker is a misnomer; the word “uncorker” would be more appropriate.

______

Original Toasts

(The Croquet Girl)

Here’s to the maiden

     Who plays at croquet

In the good, old-fashioned,

     Regular way.

Who likes well to argue,

     With swift running palate;

Who swats her opponent

     Right hard with her mallet.

(The Kissing Mouth)

Here’s to the girl

With teeth like a pearl,

     And lips red as the rose;

What would we do

If she asked us to?

     Well, what do you suppose?

______

A Little Off Color

Mr. Neersite – Why, how do you do, Mr. Brown?

The other – I guess you must be mistaken, my name’s Gray.

Mr. Neersite – I beg your pardon; merely a case of color blindness.

Waverly.                                      WALT BRIAN.

______

Bert’s Choice

(Contributed.)

Some years ago a lunch cart owned by a man by the name of “Bert” Hall of Exeter, N. H., caught fire during the evening while its proprietor was attending a dance. As soon as “Bert” heard that his lunch car was afire he rushed the entire length of the hall shouting at the top of his voice before the astonished dancers: “Save my sweater, save my sweater!”

Boston.                                                    H. V. L.

____________

Aug, 11, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Barefoot Burglar

(Onset has a daring and persistent barefoot burglar. – News.)

Shades upon thee, midnight sneak,

Barefoot burglar with thy cheek;

With thy turned-up trouser legs

Showing both thy naked pegs,

And thy darkened visage; say,

Take thee hence and far away!

‘Twould be bad enough to wake

Ere the morning’s golden break,

And behold beside the bed

Masked about thy brutal head,

Standing, with a gun in hand,

Thy bad, burgling, bold brigand;

But to waken from a sleep

That was silent, sweet and deep,

To behold thee, burglar there,

With a dark and murd’rous air,

Trousers rolled up, none too neat,

With no shoes upon thy feet,

Corns protruding, toes agleam,

What a nightmare from a dream!

Doubtless in the days to come,

At the closing of thy bum

And thy soft, cat-like career,

Thou wilt get thy offspring’s ear,

And will say to him no doubt,

With thy chest 12 inches out:

“Blessings on thee, little man,

Do most any one you can;

Leave your shoes outside the joint,

‘Still’s’ the language, see the point?

Make no sound, not e’en a gurg’,

I was once a barefoot burg’!”

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Sometimes the best thing fur heart trouble is to attach another one to it.”

______

Table Note

Oyster growers report there is to be a fine crop this year.And over two weeks more to wait; R. me!

______

Cheerful Comment

Vahey is made of “come back” stuff.

Whoever would suspect the sun of having a heart?

Rain could make no impression on a temperance parade.

When the summer folks are away the burglars will play.

Files and dust are no addition to the luscious cantalope.

Isn’t it too bad that the human crank cannot be easily turned?

Barefoot dancing appears to be going, while bare-legged swimming is coming.

With city fires and forest fires there seems to be nothing to prevent lumber going up.

There is to be an advance in the price of carriages. The country youth who has his already is happily placed.

Friends of Cornelius K. G. Billings, who once owned 32 automobiles, and who now is the possessor of but 17, are wondering how he will be able to get around.

______

Political Note

If the Democrats wish to inject strenuosity into their side of the case Joe Bailey can certainly bring them the goods.

______

Joy Riding in Air

It hardly seems possible that owners of flying machines would need to keep them under lock and key to prevent their being taken for the purpose of joy riding, but such a fate has happened to one J. C. Mars, who was fast asleep in a Pittsburg hotel recently. His biplane was stored in a tent at Bruno’s island, and at an early morning hour the purloiner entered the tent, ran the machine out, and was up in the air almost before the early risers were aware of what was taking place. Of course Mars was up in the air when he heard of it, but before he could reach the island the thief had had his joy sail and had returned the ship to the shed and then mysteriously disappeared.

It would be very vexing, indeed, for a young man who had promised his best girl a fly to come to his stall, or garage or whatever it may be, possibly a land wharf, and fing that come one hungering for a joy sail had already slipped the cables and was beating it to the windward hundreds of feet above the earth. It would be of no use to try to wing the machine, because that would not only pulverize the pilot, but would damage the craft beyond repair. It wouldn’t do to get a faster ship and put chase, because lassooing it in midair would also be fatal. The man who steals the airship has all the advantage; he can go where he listeth, and come down when and where he wanteth. The only remedy we can see is to lock the garage door before the ship has left port.

______

One More

(Contributed.)

(Airship trust for Rockefeller. – Herald Special Dispatch.)

They’ve cornered most the things of earth,

     For everything we use;

We’re paying more than it is worth,

     Now comes this piece of news.

There’s going to be an airship trust,

     The newspaper explains,

A little combine to adjust

     The price of aeroplanes.

You’d better put your money by.

     If you would buy a flyer

For even if it will not fly

     Its price will be a skyer.

But really it’s the same old tale,

     This free air that we breathe,

Soon we shall find we can’t inhale

     Unless the trust gives leave.

     Dorchester.                H. E. F.

____________

Aug. 12, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Henry’s Sagacity

(She.)

“Dear Henry: I have spent my all,

So I will have to leave

Here and return to the town, if I

Don’t a check soon receive.

The hotel’s rather dull just now,

Not many folks are here;

So if you want to have me stay

Please send the check, my dear.”

(He.)

“Dear Mabel: I have paid for coal,

And many things like that;

And though I want to see you much,

My pocketbook is flat.

If you could stay another week,

Until I get my pay,

I then will forward you the check,

Without a tick’s delay.”

(She, arriving)

“You had some other reason, sir,

For wishing me to stay;

And when I got that note of yours

     I hurried right away!

Why is it, sir, you wished to keep

Me in the country, speak?

Why is it, sir, you wish to be

Alone another week?”

Then Henry looked her o’er and o’er,

With love-light in his eyes;

And said, “My dear, I knew you’d come,

This isn’t a surprise.

If I had sent the money, dear,

You would have stayed and stayed;

The only way to get you home

Was play the game I played!”

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Don’t git a swelled head; it is hard work to git it through a crowd.”

______

Question?

If Alice Roosevelt Longworth will give up cigarettes will all those good, but overanxious, ladies give up their tea?

______

Cheerful Comment

Shoe troubles are on foot.

It has been a cool but fiery week.

We’d love to see Miss Leneve in that new wig.

Newport is going veiled closely following the raid.

Speed the recovery of the gentle author of “The Old Swimmin’ Hole!”

Sunday tomorrow – beware of tilting canoe and fast auto.

“Flappers” may do in England but we’ll stick to “broilers,” won’t we girls?

Don’t eat candy that comes by mail – unless you know where it comes from.

Everybody can’t make a home run with all this swapping of baseball players.

______

Strenuous Realism

“Has your wife returned from her sojourn in the country yet?”

“Oh, she came back for a week to get rested up, but has gone back again.”

______

Clear Atmosphere

Beacon – The stage folk are looking for their season’s engagements.

Hill – An actor told me yesterday the looking is fine.

______

One of the Sellers

“How’s Spinner’s book going?”

“Like hot cakes.”

“Ah! The critics gave it a boost?”

“Yes; they tried to sink it into oblivion, but being so light it rose to the surface in spite of them.”

______

Street Primer

Here comes the Sojourner!

He has come from the country where he has Purchased a nice Tan, and where he has put on a big Front. He has a grip in one hand, and something in a long case in the other. It is a fishing rod, because gunning is not yet. Yes, he is a fisherman, but not an Old fisherman, because he carries his rod so people will know he has been fishing. But he doesn’t call it fishing; he calls it Angling. The experienced fisherman doesn’t carry his rod so Conspicuously.

Yes, I know him, Little One, and tomorrow I will call him up on the ‘phone, and here is what he will say to me: “Been fishing? Sure thing; it was great! Did I catch any? Say, I never saw so many fish in all my life. Why, we actually filled the boat with them. I reeled in fish till I was actually tired. Big fellows, too; all the way from two pounds up. Catch ;em any way you wanted to, with the fly, trolling or casting. They just wouldn’t let our baits alone. Would have tayed longer, but say, fish were so plenty and so big that I got tired of it. Had to leave sooner than I intended, because I was simply fished to death!”

Yes, Little One, that is what he will tell me; he is what they call a fish Enthusiast. But I will take it all in good part, because I will know that he hasn’t quite recovered from his sunstroke.

______

The Firm’s Day Out

Caller – Is the proprietor in?

Office boy – No, sir; gone fishin’.

Caller – Head clerk in?

Office boy – Gone to the ball game.

Caller – May I see the stenographer?

Office boy – She’s gone to a picnic.

Caller – Who’s running this business, anyway?

Office boy – I am, but it ain’t come in yet, unless you’ve got somethin’ up your sleeve.

____________

Aug, 13, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Do You Know Her?

The summer girl is coming from the mountains and the sea,

She’s coming in her glory from the meadow and the lea;

The mountains they will miss her, and the beach will miss her, too,

While all the town will brighten when she once pops into view.

The summer girl is needed everywhere she seeks to roam,

She’s needed in the country and she’s needed here at home.

The landscape would be barren, and the hotel would be drear

Were summer maidens absent from the rural atmosphere.

The summer girl is legion where the waves caress the shore;

Out in the mountain fastness she is needed more and more.

Then when the summer’s over, and the town-life grows a-whirl,

Her summer mask is missing – she becomes an autumn girl;

And when the autumn’s over and the snow is deeply laid,

She dons her furs and pony and becomes our winter maid;

She’s sweet and full of vigor, and we find, to all our cheer,

Our queenly summer maiden is a girl for all the year.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Straws show which way the current runs, also the contents uv the cider bar’l.”

______

Aeroplane Note

Aviators should look down and spectators look up. while everybody should look out.

______

Cut It, So to Speak

If you have got anything on your mind that is troubling you get it off, even though it requires the assistance of a barber.

______

Pavement Philosophy

Money also makes the wag go.

Liver troubles are death to sunshine.

No new isn’t good news in a newspaper.

High brows are sometimes very low-minded.

Anticipation is the chief charm of fishing.

The devil isn’t apt to strike a man when he’s down.

Some are sore if they can’t fly, and some are sore who can.

The easy-going fellow seldom has anything coming.

Love is a disease, the microbe of which has never been located.

All pieces done by masters are not necessarily masterpieces.

Man wants but little here below now that the aeroplane will go.

Don’t strike while the iron is hot merely so the sparks will burn somebody.

Many of the things that are tried on the dog oughtn’t to ever oc-cur.

In the game of give and take most people are better at the take end.

Some men are mean enough to want to pick all the fruit off their family tree.

It is easier to lend money yourself than to get your friend to lend it.

Some people never take chances, not through fear, but through simon-pure laziness.

People who insist that the world is square probably never had much to do with it in a business way.

If love makes the world go round then love must love must come pretty nearly being perpetual motion.

A bird in the hand may be worth two in the bush, but you can’t make the bird believe it.

______

To Shakespeare

(After reading Hamlet.)

Unconscious mirror or miraculous man!

     Flashed tough through thee like light through idle glass,

     Or toiled thou terribly, a still Atlas?

Wert though sprite Ariel, or drudge Caliban?

Evolved thou, or enveloped thee, thy plan?

     Was Hamlet thou, actively striving to pass

     To song through study’s bottomless morass,

Thou, who once peaking, speaks longer than time can?

O, the still theatre of thy soul!

     Where earth the scenery was and life the play,

Vocal as voice, and vital as the air,

Yet not a breath from out its window stole

     Communicative of either yea or nay;

The play proof sole that thou wert thou and there.     H. A. HENDALL.

     Somerville.

______

Aeronautics

(Contributed.)

A CHANGE

They’ve moved the gig meet to Atlantic,

Where surroundings are not so pedantic;

     Though less erudite

     There’s room to light

For birds of a plan so gigantic.

An air-man who’d made a quick flight

Though his chance for a big prize was bright’

     Was chagrined to learn

     Upon his return

    Dorchester.                      H. E. F.

____________

Aug. 14, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Wreck

The tired child lay on her mother’s bed, worn-out from the hard day’s play,

And soon she closed her eyes and went into dreamland far away;

And by and by she saw a light come glimmering o’er the plain,

And by and by she heard it toot, and knew ‘twas a railroad train.

In her dreams she saw the headlight grow, and heard it rumble and roar;

Straight on it came, a giant of iron, to crush all that lay before.

A stream ahead and no bridge to cross! O, what could a poor child do?

If she could but reach the switch in time, and steer the train safely through!

Her mother, close by, had loosened her hair, preparing to go to bed,

But she couldn’t make her mother hear, so the train still onward sped.

She roused with a scream, and seized whate’er her little soft hand could find,

And tried to throw the train aside as it thundered through her mind.

But the train went on to its certain doom, down, down on the rocks below,

But she still held fast in her fair, plump hand the lever she tried to throw.

Alas! She had done her very best to save the train from the ditch,

But the thing she’d grabbed was her mother’s hair – she’d been asleep at the switch!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Two wrongs don’t make one right onless both parties agree to it, an’ then it’s a question.”

______

Cheerful Comment

First, catch the fly.

Beef is beef until it’s proven horse.

Were the Colonel’s editorials “killed” last week?

Is it worse to smuggle Chinamen or the Chinese dope?

Not many would refuse a cut of “Aunt Delia’s” apple pie!

We never knew before that Dixie belonged wholly to the Democrats.

It would be a good thing if somebody would steal all those balloon jumpers’ parachutes by mistake.

The Duke of the Abruzzi is a fine publicist; he travels incog as “Signor Sorreto” and signs his telegrams “Abruzzi.”

______

The Difference

“Shadby is making money, isn’t he?”

“Yes, and his family Making it – fly.”

______

A Gungy Inheritance

Hank Stubbs – They say Crockett’s gal hez took to pictur’ paintin’ an’ is turnin’ out some fone views.

Bige Miller – Waal, she orter hev some talunt, her gran’father on her mother’s side wuz the best whitewasher this town ever hed.

______

Appropriately Placed

“Quickness doesn’t run in his family.”

“I suppose that’s why his boys went into the messenger service.”

______

Hiram’s Surprise

She was seated on the porch of her father’s farmhouse engaged in knitting, while the twilight shadows were deepening over the valley. Nature was seeking sweet rest, and the birds had ceased to chirrup in the neighboring trees. Ever and anon she looked down the long country road that led away to the village. Finally a tall, lank form came in sight, and apparently, to her utter surprise, Hiram Hawkins, who had kept her steady company for 13 long years, stood before her.

“Good evenin’, Cynthia,” he said, good-naturedly.

“Good even’, Hiram,” she replied.

“Cynthia,” said he, trembling, “we hev been keepin’ com’ny for a matter uv a dozen years, ain’t we?”

“Twelve years, 10 months an’ 6 days,” she replied.

“Whew! Ez long ez that? How time does fly, Cynthia. Waal, we’ve hed a sort uv a long, smooth romance, with nothin’ to break the spell uv love’s young dream.”

“We seemed to hev got on pretty well, Hiram.”

“Yes, yes, that’s so, Cynthia, but I – I’ve come over tonight to tell you that our romance is broke – all gone to smithereens; we can’t go on this way no longer.”

“What do you mean?” gasped Cynthia, her knitting falling to the floor.

“Our dream uv love is o’er; we’ve got to separate. I’ve been comin’ here for 13 year an’ you hev never proposed to me once. I hev the separation papers here; here they be, an’ I want you to sign ‘em!”

With trembling hands Cynthia took the large sheet that Hiram forced into her hands. It was a marriage license, lately filled in by the town clerk.

     *        *        *        *        *        *        *        *

The shadows continued to deepen over the valley, and occasionally the weird cry of a loon came up from the lake. The moon showed his face from behind a cloud, but quickly dodged out of sight again, for he could not endure what he saw on Farmer Jenkins’ piazza.

____________

Aug. 15, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Dashed to Earth

“What are the wild waves saying, dear?”

     The love-lorn lover cried,

And as a giant wave rolled in

     To take her hand he tried.

“I think I know,” she made reply,

     His pulsing heart aroused,

“They’re saying if we linger here

     We’ll both be getting soused.”

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“There may be more than one way to kill a cat, but most ev’rybuddy would like to know a way to kill it so’s it would stay killed.”

______

Running It Down

Caller – I want to know who is your Telltown correspondent!

Editor – I should think you could tell by reading the column.

Caller – How so?

Editor – Well, the first item is: “John Bailey shingled his barn last week.”

Caller – Yes –

Editor – And the second item is: “Mrs. John Bailey was an out of town visitor recently.”

Caller – Yes –

Editor – And the third item is: “There is company from New York staying at the John Bailey home.”

Caller – Well?

Editor – Well, can’t you see that the correspondent is a Bailey?

______

Speed Control

(Near-Editorial, Gungawamp Advocate, or recent date.)

We don’t pretend to be much of a factor in the shaping of this great nation, nor do we as a rule try to interfere in other folks’ affairs, always taking the ground that we have plenty of troubles of our own and that other people can work out their problems their own way much better than outsiders can hope to do. Far be it from us to say who can dodge and fly about the country on the wings of pleasure and recklessness and ahead of the smell of gasoline. Far be it from us to say who shall sail down a steep hill and try to cut a letter “L” at the bottom by finding that the road sharply turns and who, being unable to turn, cause their machine to make two or three somersaults, smashing the machine to smithereens and disfiguring the landscape by levelling the underbrush and barking a few dozen trees, or possibly turning a stone wall upside down. That all lies between the automobile speeders and the land owners, in which we have no part.

To make our attitude plain, and to show our readers that we are conscientious in this matter, however, we will say that such performances as described above incidentally benefit us, even though we deplore them. They do more or less furnish material for our columns, and occasionally we get a little job printing along the line of warning notices as well as funeral notices and obituaries, for which we charge a nominal figure.  But it is the rights of the other fellow, the rights of our innocent townspeople, for which we stand. Only last week our esteemed townsman, Abd Crockett, had to make such a sharp turn to avoid coming into immediate contact with an automobile that he upset a valuable load of wood on his way to the depot. The week before, Capt. Joe Peters’ best rooster, which took a prize at the country fair, was run over and mortally wounded. Recently Hiram Hutchins’ cow took fright on the highway and, in her fear,, fell into the crick and was nearly drowned; and later her owner would have been arrested for selling watered milk had not the situation been satisfactorily explained.

We might go on and cite many instances of dire disaster and annoyances caused by the flying automobile in our midst, but we hope the few mentioned here will awaken our townspeople, as well as our visiting automobilists, to our rights and to their duties. WE welcome strangers to this town, even though they come in automobiles; but we do feel they ought to come with less speed and more consideration for the native-born. If this seed falls into good ground and bears fruit, we shall feel that we have not lived in vain.

____________

Aug. 16, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

A Maiden’s Hair

O, maiden with the raven hair,

     You please my poet’s eye;

But all the time I look at you

I wonder if its jet-like hue

     Has aught to do with dye?

O, maiden with your locks of gold,

     A wondrous glow you spread;

Alas! I wonder, dear, withal,

If not some magic chemical

     Has turned your pretty head?

O, maiden with your tresses blonde,

     And eyes of violet;

Although I love your golden glow,

I cannot help but feel, you know,

     That you’re a bleacherette.

And maiden with your wealth of puffs,

     Your chestnut locks galore,

Pray pardon me, but when alone

I wonder if they are your own,

     Or purchased from the store?

And so my heart is wrung betimes,

     With falseness and with dyes;

Because I do not wish to wed

A maiden deep-dyed at the head,

     Nor one made blonde with lyes!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Save up fur a rainy day, an’ then try to keep in out uv the wet.”

______

Travel Note

The American tourist causes two good dollars to circulate where only one circulated before.

______

Everyday Philosophy

Most corns are ache-corns.

Nearly time for all the politicians to “come back.”

Arguments on the “Five-foot Shelf” are even more than that.

The world just couldn’t spare rare James Whitcomb Riley!

People who have no balance wheels ought to have governors.

More people are broken otherwise than in spirit.

Has Jack Johnson lost his cunning in running into auto traps?

When poverty comes in the door the young couple ought to say: “Such as we have we’ll share with you.”

The Alaskan catch of salmon has fallen far short of the average this year, but we hope nothing will happen to the canned green peas.

Dr. Levin says that the strain of modern life is responsible for the increase in cancer, but the doctor can’t expect we’re all going to sit back in the harness on that account.

______

Missing, a Hay Crop

They say there is nothing new under the sun, but the older we grow, the less stock we take in this old stock phrase. There appears to be something new turning up with every revolution of this queer old sphere of ours. A few of these happenings find their way into print, but many of them don’t. We have lived in rural communities more years than we have fingers and toes. even were we double-pawed, and have read the papers all these years earnestly and faithfully, but we have heard for the first time of a man’s hay crop being stolen on the stalk. Recently one Charles Dolphin of this state went out to cut his hay, and found that it had been mowed and carted away, and all the good detective work he could put forth failed to locate the crop or discover the harvesters. Charles says he’s completely “beat,” and hereafter is going to set a few steel traps around his field come haying time.

It looks like the old adage, “Make hay while the sun shines,” had been put on the blink by these garners of the grass, their motto being “Make hay while the moon shines.”

______

Flight of Fancy

There’s a pretty fly place they call Squantum,

And the birds of the air will soon haunt ‘em;

     And, though the broad sea

     Is as wet as can be,

There’s nothing like that which will daunt ’em.

______

More Love Limericks

(Contributed.)

There once was an ardent young Mr.

Who loved a sweet girl and who kr.

     At this the fair maid

     Smiled coyly and said:

“I’m glad you love me, not my sr.”

______

The Laughing Cure

(Contributed.)

A laugh is complex in its work, in its results direct,

Its movements, physical in kind, and pleasant in effect;

It makes the arteries dilate, the blood to hasten on,

And vital processes increase from mental action done.

Through stimulations of the blood, whose vessels reach the brain,

It makes the system all alive, renewing youth again.

With these brief facts – although indeed there’s much more I would add,

I trust you’ll listen while I tell about a new-born fad.

A nervous friend, an invalid, not long since, to be sure,

Bethought to seek desired relief, and try a “laughing cure.”

And so he read from funny books, such fun as they contain,

And still he read, more funny yet, he read them all again.

He read The Herald column, too, that’s writ by our Joe Cone,

And as he laughed and read the stuff he thought ‘twas all his own.

He read the weekly comic press, nor read like one ‘twere ill,

For while he read the funny stuff his laugh was funnier still,

And when no other thing he had, to laugh at, or about,

He’d sit and at himself, “he, he,” he’d laugh the whole day out.

Most all of us I daresay know a laugh though it be urged,

Will yet into hilariousness quite often soon be merged;

And thus our invalid could soon command the laughing fit,

The way “he, he,” he laughed just seemed to prove the absurdity of it.

In time he’d found he’d laughed so much his nervousness was gone,

And now just laughs the whole idea of nervousness to scorn.

     Boston.                      G. C. PAINE.

____________

Aug. 17, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Braggin’est Man

Timothy Cyrus Bustard Brown,

He was the braggin’est man in town;

It didn’t matter uv what he told,

Ef ‘twuz anything frum out his fold,

A cat or a cow, a pig or nag,

He jest charged the atmosphere with brag.

Whatever he hed belonged to Brown

It beat all holler all else in town.

He’d set by the hour in Stokes’s store

An’ brag uv his wondrous crops galore;

His corn wuz the tallest, his beans the best,

Potatoes ahead uv all the rest.

He’d got the best cow in Gungywamp,

She wouldn’t hook bars nor would she jump;

“She gives the best milk in this hull town,”

Said Timothy Cyrus Bustard Brown.

“An’ talk uv a hoss, thet hoss uv mine

Won’t take any dust along the line.”

“An’ ev’ryone knows,” says Capt. Joe,

“It’s ‘cuz the nag is so all-fired slow!”

“My hens,” says Timothy, t‘other day,

“You jest orter see what them hens lay.”

“I guess,” says the Cap’, with a few “By Hecks,”

“I guess you would need a pair uv spec’s!”

But Timothy Cyrus Bustard Brown

Continued the braggin’est man in town.

He bragged uv his house, his barn an’ land,

His boy in college who wuz so grand.

But most uv all would brag uv his wife,

“The best durn woman in all this life.”

She WUZ a good woman, an’ that wuz why

We ‘lowed him to brag incessantly.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Most people hev a room fur improvemunt which they are allus willin’ to rent.”

______

Financial Note

The crew of the good ship “Planet Mars” find that in their little speculation they have a large elephant on their hands and quite a few of him.

______

Musings of the Office Boy

Busy days depend altogether on who the caller is.

And, too, a soft answer turneth a man’s head.

Some things go without saying, but not book agents.

I pity the kid who ain’t got grandmothers enough to last the season out.

Lots of spite, as well as other things, are worked off on the keyboard of a typewriter.

A man may not be as big a fool as he looks and still be a bigger one than he orter be,

______

Oiling the Ways

The millennium in automobiling seems still afar off. The autoists complain of too much oil on the highways and the roadside dwellers complain of too little. There appears to be nothing as yet on which the autoist and the anti-autoist can agree. Oerhaps the airship will arrive in time to oil the troubled waters.

______

A Possible Minstrel Joke

Inasmuch as Mr. James J. Corbett is end man in a minstrel show, we hereby submit a conundrum for him to hurl at the interlocutor.

Mr. Corbett – Why am my $5000 like Mr. James Jeffries?

Interlocutor – Give it up, Mr. Corbett; why are your $5000 like Mr. James Jeffries?

Mr. Corbett – Bekase, Mr. Mr. Interlocutor, bekase dey can’t come back.

(“Ha-ha’s” heard only from Johnson winners in the audience.)

______

A Hitch in Time

“These cookies, dear, are not at all

Like mother used to make;

Fact is,” said he, to stop a plate

That she was aiming at his pate,

“Poor mother couldn’t bake.”

______

Table Talk

“This large menu takes away my appetite.”

“I wouldn’t eat it, then; I’d simply order real food.”

______

How It Worked Out

“Your honor, I took the hat merely to keep up appearances.”

“Sorry, but appearances are against you. Thirty days.”

______

Long Drawn Out

It has just come to light that after a courtship of 30 years a Dobbs Ferry (N. Y.) couple have been united in marriage. In the cases of most couples it is safe to say that love’s young dream wouldn’t stand a strain for 30 long years; but, on the other hand, we realize that a 30 year’s courtship is perhaps safer than one of 30 days, such as our young people have so much to do with nowadays. Love at first sight is all right as far as it goes, but lovers should take a good, long second look at one another before they make a bolt for the parson’s. Hast marriages have made Reno known for something other than a prize-fighting locality, and rather than make a farce of the marriage tie, causing innocent children to wonder where they are at, a little of the Dobbs Ferry slow-gear process mightn’t be so bad after all.

____________

Aug. 18, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

His Saving Graces

He may be all that’s bad and mean,

      May be a perfect slouch;

His language it may be obscene,

      May be a chronic grouch.

He may disturb his neighbor’s sleep,

      No literature he kens,

But there’s one thing he doesn’t keep,

      A flock of wand’ring hens.

His windows may be stuffed with rags,

      His roof let in the rain;

He may associate with jags,

      His features may be plain.

He may not travel as he ought,

      May be the village raff;

But one thing he has never bought,

      A wheezy phonograph.

He may go Sundays to the lake

      And not go near the church;

He may not think it a mistake

      To catch a Sunday perch.

He may avoid the high-brow crew,

      May strike a lowly note;

But one thing he will never do,

      He’ll never rock the boat.

He may be out of date and slow,

      He may be narrow viewed;

The other man may get his dough

      Because he is not shrewd.

He may be just a rural green,

      But bank on this you can:

He’ll never buy a fast machine

      And kill a brother man.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“A white lie soon loses its color by rubbin’ up ag’inst the darker ones.”

______

Airship Note

Harvard may give you a freshman course in aviating, but Squantum is where you graduate.

______

Everyday Philosophy

Out of pocket out of friends.

Applause means either much or little.

A full stomach is next to a raise in pay.

Very few think they wouldn’t make great actors.

Look out for the man who takes everything as it comes.

It pays to be honest if only for the good sleep it brings.

Four months hence you will be shouting for some of this heat.

Think how the other fellow looks when he has a fine grouch on.

What has become of the old-fashioned boy who used to say “yes, sir”?

If you want to see how really well off you are look around you.

Sometimes a dog knows his place much better than his owner.

A penny saved is a penny earned, but a penny earned is hard to save.

There is nothing more disgusting than a youth pretending to be intoxicated.

The main difference between a man and a woman is, the woman weeps and the man gets angry.

Most women make an awful time over a rough face, but they admit it’s rougher where there’s none.

As we grow older we put away childish things, but we don’t want to act childish because children continue to hanker for childish things.

______

A String to It

She never wore a hobble skirt,

     She never hopes to wear one;

And that’s the reason, we assert,

     The maiden cannot bear one.

______

The Answer

“When is a pun not a pun?”

“It never ought to be.”

______

Gungy Repartee

Hank Stubbs – One uv them city boarders uv Gabe Perkins’ thought he’d hev a little fun with me yistery.

Bige Miller – How’s thet?

Hank Stubbes – Ast me “how’s crops.”

Bige Miller – What’s you say?

Hank Stubbs – Said I guess frum the looks uv his’n thet it must hev be’n purty poor pickin’ up in the city.

______

The Passing Summer

(Contributed.)

I love the ling’ring days of summer best,

     When e’en the sun loth to sink in sleep;

     When o’er the earth the twilight shadows creep,

As light so slowly fadeth in the west.

When laggard bee doth wing his homeward flight;

     When drowsy birds sound forth their plaintive song;

     When passing day its glory doth prolong,

To blend in beauty with the coming night.

So should our lives in ling’ring sweetness end,

     Thus gently loose each clinging earthly bond;

Our little day in wond’rous beauty blend

     With that eternal day which lies beyond.

Some afterglow our parting moments send

     To cheer our friends and bid them not despond.

     Webster.                            S. G. R.

____________

Aug. 19, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Just What You’re Looking for

You’ll find in this old world of ours

     Just what you’re looking for, my friend;

It has its pathways lined with flowers,

     Whose wealth of beauty has no end.

You’ll find it has some kindly souls,

     Devoid of treason and of guile;

Whose names are ever on the scrolls

     Of earthly saints who are worth while.

You’ll find in this old world as well

     The darker paths devoid of bloom;

Where selfishness and malice dwell,

     Where all is morbidness and gloom.

Seek out the pathways lined with flowers,

     Add to its joy your heart and smile;

And then you’ll find this world of ours

Has countless beings worth your while.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Ef you keep goin’ you’ll wear out in time, but ef you don’t you’ll give out a good deal sooner.”

______

Aviation Note

Some people are anxious to travel by airship because they say it will be a long time before aerial touring will be in the clutches of the “tip” octopus.

______

Their Auto Outlook

“How long do you suppose it will be before we can have an auto, Henry?”

“Well, if we save as much in the next 10 years as we have in the past 10 we ought to be able by that time to raise the wind for tires.”

______

Musings of the Office Boy

Hair dye sins are bound to come to life.

Don’t look a gift box o’ chocolates in the label.

A roll-top desk may be a good place to rest the feet, but it ain’t profitable.

I could never understand why the stenog’ brings in an umbrella; there’s always a dozen at her service.

The boss says the man who lays down on the job is apt to go to sleep and wake up and find the job ain’t under him no more.

______

Speeder’s Troubles

“I don’t believe rapid transit will ever be perfected.”

“Why not?”

“Well, all the time I was travelling by auto I couldn’t keep enough wind in my tires, and since I’ve been trying to navigate the air there’s always too much wind.”

______

The Time Keeper

If time hangs heavy on your hands,

    And you don’t need the same,

Just take it to your uncle kind,

    Who plays the three-ball game.

He’ll keep it for you snug and safe,

    Will share your bitter cup;

But he’ll expect a call from you

    Whene’er your time is up.

______

Her Refuge

Charlie Dipp – Aren’t you afraid of sharks way off there in the water?

Miss Surf – (looking at the crowded shore) – Oh, my, no; I feel a good deal safer far out in the water.

______

“Mamma, mamma!” cried little Gustave, excitedly, “I have found out where the flies go in the winter!”

“Where, dear?” queried the mother, seeing great possibilities in her cute and only.

“I know, ‘cause I’ve seen ‘em; they go into the dries currants and things!”

______

The Inevitable

He who sits wishing time away

Will sorry be some future day;

And at his sundown, old and gray,

Will turn and wish the other way.

______

The Rivals

(Contributed.)

That awful thing, the dusting cap, ne’er thrilled a manly heart,

But times, maybe, the bathing suit, some mischief may impart.

Could some bright mind the former touch with an artistic grace,

‘Twould make the lures more equal in the matrimonial race.

Neat Phillis, in her dusting cap, is handicapped indeed,

While Ethel’s drag-net-bathing-suit the shallow crowd will lead;

Still, Phillis in her dusting cap nine months appeals to me

A safer chance than Ethel in a bathing suit for three.

     Melrose.                               T. F.

____________

Aug. 20, ‘10