JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
Them
Hustlin’ City Folks
(Hank Stubbs visits Boston for one day only.)
Gosh! Talk about your city speed,
Thet
city people brag about,
Frum what I seen along the street
They
are the slowest people out.
Ain’t noted much fur speed myself,
Nur
used to city street an’ throng,
But when I went to town last week
I
couldn’t skurcely git along.
They poked along fur all the world
Like
they had got no place to go;
Like they had got no work to do,
Jest
simply tryin’ to be slow,
I edged an’ pushed an’ crowded through,
An’
said some things ‘twuz pretty strong;
But ev’rywhere I went ‘twuz jest
All
I could do to git along.
They’d stop an’ talk an’ rubber in
The
winders all along the way;
Why, at the rate them people went
They
wouldn’t git a mile a day!
Gosh! Talk about your city speed,
I’m
glad to git back home, I snore,
Where I kin stretch my laigs an’ hit
A
decent country speed once more.
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“A
fishpole allus looks better to the small boy at this season than the beanpole.”
______
Political Note
With
the tremendous booming of all the other big guns last Saturday Uncle Joe Cannon
appeared to be playing the part of a silencer.
______
Cheerful Comment
Gov.
Gillette knocked ‘em both out.
Outdoors
is a good school for children, too.
Last
call! Only about a week more for June brides.
Not
all, but quite a few roads lead to Reno.
The
man who rocks the boat ought to be rocked in return.
If
canoes contained more life preservers and fewer phonographs ‘twould be just as
well.
If
it weren’t such an old joke we would wish for the Kaiser an kneesy time in his
new affliction.
Here’s
hoping the sky passengers on board the “Deutschland” will have a smooth sea and
get their money’s worth.
The
great question: “What shall we do with Roosevelt?” Why wouldn’t it be a good
idea to let the poor fellow decide that himself?
______
Seaside Moments
Charlie
– Wouldn’t you think the waves would get weary of washing back and forth, back
and forth?
Myrtle
– I don’t know; you have been coming over to our cottage a dozen times a day
ever since we’ve been here.
______
The Heiress Knew
“Darling,
I cannot live without you.”
“But
you could, George, if you’d go and get a job.”
____________
June 21, ‘10
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
Rain
and Roses
Life ain’t all sun
an’ roses,
As people ought to know;
If wasn’t any
showers
The roses wouldn’t grow.
Life ain’t all
easy sailin’,
They’s brakers, more or less;
If wasn’t any
failures
We wouldn’t know success.
The roses need the
sunshine,
Also a little rain;
Life needs a lot
o’ pleasure,
Also a little pain.
Too much of one or
‘tother
Is harmful, goodness knows;
But let us keep on
hopin’,
To blossom like the rose!
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“One
pusson may be jest ez good ez another, an’ still not be what he orter be.”
______
See Through It?
“Summer
shows are pretty thin as a rule, aren’t they?”
“That’s
why burlesque is so well patronized.”
______
Loose Leaves
(From
a Joker’s Journal.)
A
book agent stuck his head in the door this morning. I knew him by the cut of
his jib, and so I straightened somewhat stiffly in my chair and tried to look
professional.
“Good
morning,” said he, accepting a chair which I hadn’t offered.
“If
you think you can sell me a book, my friend, you’d better send your thinker out
for repairs,” I said icily.
“Well
you are a shrewd man to size me up for a book agent,” said he, pleasantly,
“most men take me for an insurance agent. However, I have no book to sell you.
If you will excuse me, I want to tell you how much I enjoy your work in the
paper. Why, do you know, it almost amounts to a scrap at our table every
morning to see who will get the paper first and read your stuff aloud.”
“I
thank you,” I replied, deigning to shy a look at him. He had a much better face
than I thought at first sight. “It is always interesting to hear how one’s work
is going,” I added. “Won’t you have a cigar?”
He
accepted, and we lighted up.
“By
the way,” said he, leaning back and puffing beautiful rings, “I understand you
contemplate bringing out a book before long, and if that is so I wish to secure
the agency for it in this section where you are so well known. That is why I am
here.”
I
always had great admiration for any one who could blow beautiful rings and my
feelings underwent a change. I assured him that I thought of bringing out a
book, but the thought hadn’t yet developed, nor had the book.
“Very
well,” said he, rising, “in any case, I wish you’d keep me in mind. I have a
large following here, in the very best literary circles.”
“By
the way,” I ventured, “do you handle many books?”
“A
very few; just now and then by some distinguished author. I am just now
handling a choice edition of Maupassant. I get it for my friends who don’t know
the ropes. Numbered edition at one-half price, 12 volumes, $1 down and $1 a
month for 12 months. It’s a great chance if anybody likes Maupassant. Have you
read him? No? A French master. You have lost a great deal. It’s really too bad
you are so set against agents. Otherwise we might both benefit by this
opportunity. I will bid you ”
“Who
said I’m set against agents?”
“Your
attitude ”
“See
how easy you can be mistaken? Let me see your contract blank.”
An
hour after I had signed the contract I was looking through a department store
adv. when my eyes rested upon the following:
“De
Maupassant, 12 vols., gilt top, numbered edition, $8.50!”
______
(The Mosquito.)
This is the time
of year we look for the mosquito, or rather, the mosquito is looking for us.
The dictionary says the mosquito belongs to the genus Culex, whatever that is,
but most people thing he belongs to the genus Tophet. Probably there is no
living thing in the world, of its size, that gets so many raps, or is talked so
much about in forbidden language as the mosquito. On the other hand, the
mosquito is not as black as he’s painted. He doesn’t mean any harm; he just
wants a living, that’s all. He just wants to dig out an honest living, and
won’t go behind your back if he can carry his point fair and square before your
face.
Another fine thing
about the mosquito; he is fond of society. Go where you will, in the city park
or the distant country fields, he will rise up to meet you and will sing you a
song of welcome. And in your time of trouble, if your hands are full and you know
not which way to turn next, he will stick closer to you than a brother.
Evidently the man
who wrote the dictionary is not overly friendly towards the mosquito; more
especially the lady mosquito. He says it is only the females that send their
bills in and try to collect on sight. If this is true, what do the men
mosquitoes live on? If the dictionary man is right, then there must be 10 billion
females to one male, for we grew up in a mosquito stronghold, and have never
yet seen a mosquito who wasn’t out for business. We think the dictionary man
was wrong, and that it is just another case of blaming the woman for
everything.
There seems to be
no wholesale way of eliminating the mosquito; about the only plan is to meet
him single-handed and try to get in the first lick.
______
Brushing up the
Old Farm
(Contributed.)
Howard,
rake the garden walk,
Come, Chatto, trim the lawn,
For
the Winthrops are coming
At Friday’s early dawn.
Howard,
how the garden patch,
And kill the canticleer,
For
the Winthrops are coming,
The time is drawing near.
Haste
to clip the horse’s mane,
Put a gloss upon his back,
For
the Winthrops are coming,
In nothing must we lack.
Frances,
heat the porridge pot,
And broil a luscious steak;
For
the Winthrops are coming –
A good impression make.
Margot,
sweep the parlor floor,
Jo, dust the green room clean,
For
the Winthrops are coming,
And no dirt must be seen.
Don
your swellest stockings, Sue,
Get out your party gown,
For
the Winthrops are coming,
You must not look run down.
Father,
put away the hoe,
Bring golf sticks to the fore,
For
the Winthrops are coming,
Be gentlemen once more.
* * * * *
Stars
peep o’er the eastern hills,
The moon illumes the west;
Since
the Winthrops are coming,
All nature’s at its best!
THEODORE W. NEVIN.
Blue Hill, Me.
____________
June 22, ‘10
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
Through
Summer Fields
I.
The bird-song
wakes the summer noon,
And skyward wends its way;
The whisp’ring
breeze assaults the trees,
Half earnest, half in play.
The drowsy hum of
countless bees
Makes dreamy music, too;
But O, to talk,
and idly walk
Through summer fields with you!
Through summer
fields with you, dear,
Fresh as the
morning dew, dear,
As in the days of long ago,
When love was in
your eyes, dear,
When joy was in
the skies, dear,
And summer fields aglow.
II.
The daisies nod
upon their stems
And beckon us along;
The brook awakes
and joyous makes
Us welcome with its song.
But summer fields
would be as naught
And skies would not be blue
Could I not stray
in love’s old way
Through summer fields with you.
Through summer fields
with you, dear,
Where love is ever
new, dear,
As in the days of long ago;
This world’s a
paradise, dear,
With lovelight in
your eyes, dear,
And summer fields aglow.
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“The
man who don’t sweat ain’t much good to himself or his country either.”
______
Musings of the
Office Boy
Money
talks, but sometimes in whispers.
I
should hate to take a joy ride in an elevator.
Big
feet ain’t no disgrace, but they’re awfully in the way.
Alas!
that a sweet girl grad should ever become a sweet girl stenog’!
The
early bird gets the worms if they’s any worms left to git.
The
sign, “Short Stories Today,” don’t seem to apply to the boss w’en he’s tellin’
the lady bookkeeper about the delights of autoin’.
______
June Roses – and Thorns
(Contributed.)
June roses, fragrant, fresh and fair,
On
thorny branches nod and swing;
And they who would the roses wear
Must bravely risk the thorn’s sharp sting.
E’en so in life, success doth wait
For those who fear not Fortune’s frown;
Who boldly dares the thorns of Fate
Must
soon or late win some renown.
Webster. S. G. R.
______
A Stitch in Time
“The
doctor is coming three times a day now.”
“My!
He must be getting better. Probably the doc’ wants to get in as many visits as
he can before he gets well.”
______
The She Consented
Ethel
– If I were sure that kisses contained no germs –
Jack
– But they do; germs of happiness.
______
Easy Essays
(The
Microbe.)
The
microbe is little, but O. my! “Microbe,” genusofbacteria; isn’t that an awful
name for such a little mike? The microbe, individually, isn’t so much, but
where many are gathered together is where he gets his work. The microbe
believes in numbers. He is a coward all by himself, but when he gets 17,000,000
of him together he isn’t afraid of anything. In that respect he is almost
human.
The
microbe is a busybody, doing things under the surface, and gets in his work
while you sleep, He won’t come out in the open and meet you man to man, but is
always looking for an interior finish. The microbe is a good sailor; also a
good assailer. You can’t drown him, or you can’t shoot him with a 16-inch gun.
The only way you can kill him is to boil him to death or roast him; but who
wants to do that when he is on one’s person? You see he has the advantage, and
knows it.
There
is nothing interesting about the microbe. He isn’t worth anything as game, and
as a beast of burden he is an absolute failure. You can train a flea to do many
things, and you can make a mosquito understand that he is not wanted, but the
microbe is devoid of all sensibilities excepting his appetite. And money; he
likes money. He will go a long way out of his way to get hold of money. Wherever
the long green, there the microbe is seen.
______
Literary Note
An
author is known by the terrible confusion amongst his library papers.
______
Agricultural Note
We
don’t really know of anybody who would like to be an ice cream farmer, but we
know of plenty of girls who wouldn’t mind being ice cream farmers’ daughters.
______
Hat Note
Ever
since we have seen Col. Roosevelt in a plug hat we believe we could wear one
with equanimity.
______
O,
Fie, on Style!
Samanthy Jones
sticks up her nose
At fashion’s grand display;
She says she
wouldn’t nohow wear
A hobble skirt for pay.
She says she’s got
so many corns
She hobbles anyway.
______
The Winter of Life
(Contributed.)
As I grow older, with each passing year
This
brave old Earth, to me, in beauty grows
As
changing seasons still new charms disclose,
Filling my heart with homage most sincere.
How fair the charms of balmy, verdant
spring;
How
glowing summer, when those charms expand;
How
golden, fruitful autumn fills the land
E’er winter tide his ermine robe doth
fling.
So should the springtime of our lives be
fair,
Its
summer days with brighter promise glow,
That autumn time a harvest rich shall bear
Of
love to god, and to good men below,
While hoary age a robe of life should wear
As
pure and spotless as the winter snow.
Webster. S. G. REA.
____________
June 23, ‘10
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
When
Lida Smiles
When Lida smiles
the world is bright
And flowers bloom along the way;
When Lida smiles
the darkest night
Turns to an iridescent day.
There’s joy
abroad, on land and sea
When Lida deigns
to smile on me.
When Lida smiles
the music strains
Sound sweeter than they did before;
An atmosphere of
motion reigns
As she trips lightly o’er the floor.
The Muse pours out
her poesy
When Lida throws
her smile at me.
Anon I have a
cloudy day,
Days when the sun has hid its head;
Days when my heart
has turned to clay,
When hope within feels cold and dead.
Those are the days
’tis plain to see,
When Lida fails to
smile on me.
O, Lida, would you
save my life,
And would you have me happy be?
Would you dispel
the daily strife
That otherwise would compass me?
Then, Lida, smile
when I am near,
And fill my daily
life with cheer.
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“The under dorg gits the
symperthy – also gits done up.”
______
Political Note
Teddy
will take care of himself; the question is, “What shall we do with the people
who are so foolishly anxious about him?
______
Mud Throwing, Too
Summer
Visitor – One thing about your beautiful rural life here, you don’t have the
muck-raking we have in city life.
Clam
Digger – Don’t, hey? You wanter jest come down here durin’ the clamin’ season!
______
A Hard One
“A
woman always asks the hardest possible question to answer.”
“What
is that?”
“She
is bound to ask, ‘Will you always love me as you do now?’ and how is a fellow
to tell?”
______
A
Long-Necked People
This world is fickle through and through,
We
fear its moral girth is slim;
It fain would stay a maiden bold,
And yet ‘tis eager, we are told,
To
daily see her in the swim.
______
Take It Easy
“Do
you think it is a good thing to fast?”
“Well,
I think I should go pretty slow on it.”
______
They Differ So
Miss
Simpler – Do you believe in love at first sight?
Mr.
Wiser – Well, it just depends upon the sight, don’t you know.
______
Literary Note
Our
good friend and companion, Denis A. McCarthy, poet, reader and associate editor
of “The Sacred Heart Review,” has gone to the land of his boyhood for a few
months’ rest and recreation. Mr. McCarthy is an ardent admirer of the Emerald
Isle, and may find Tipperary as sweet and as blooming as when he immortalized
it by writing “Ah, Sweet Is Tipperary in the Springtime of the Year!”
______
When the Goat
Disappears
(Contributed.)
We’re
mighty glad the summer’s here,
We do not mind the heat;
We
like to see the ladies dear,
All clad so cool and neat.
Their
modish frocks we always note,
Their hats are lovely, too;
There’s
one style really gets our goat,
The charming “peek-a-boo!”
H. E. F.
______
Schoolroom Variety
Some
years ago “Old Frances,” the schoolmaster of Exeter, N. H., who figures in “The
Real Diary of a Real Boy,” by Judge Henry A. Shute, opened school several
mornings in succession by having prayers, singing “Nearer, My God, to Thee,”
and then soundly thrashing a very troublesome boy. H. V. L.
Boston.
______
Looking for His
Keep
“You’ve
just got to marry me, Maude, for I cannot live without you!”
“But
you didn’t talk that way, Tom, when you were working.”
______
Yes, and Then Some
How
microbes do stick to money!”
“And
what a lot of microbes there are in the world!”
____________
June 24, ‘10
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
Fishin’
at “Hemlock Farm”
Hank Stubbs he put a placard up:
“No
Fishin’ in this Brook!”;
An’ ev’ry neighbor passin’ by
Had
an enquirin’ look.
Then on his house he nailed a sign
In
letters large and clear:
“This is the ‘Hemlock Valley Farm,’
We’re
takin’ boarders here!”
Bige Miller says to Hank one day:
“I
think thet’s ruther queer,
To advertise fur boarders, then
Say
‘Ain’t no fishin’ here.’
How do you ‘spect thet folks’ll come
To
sech a place as thet?”
Then Hank he drawled in his reply,
With
one eye partly shet:
“Great scheme, thet fishin’ sign o’ mine,
Folks
wantin’ board, you see
Will think it’s meant fur outside folks,
An’
flock here eagerly.
Then when they’ve fished a month or so,
An’
git upon their ear,
I jest kin say: “Thet sign don’t lie,
They
ain’t no fishin’ here!”
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“The
wust trouble about a hobby is that by an’ by it’s apt to exceed the speed
limit.”
______
Weather Note
And
only a week ago we were saying: “Drat that janitor, if he knew his business he
would have a little steam on this morning!”
______
A Happy Home
“Higgins
is the happiest man in the suburbs.”
“His
garden ahead of everybody else’s?”
“No,
but his wife has got one of those hats that are always on straight no matter
how you wear ‘em.”
______
A Warning
Husbands
and wives, and wives and husbands, you’d better think twice about letting your
better halves go to Reno to see that big fight. You know very well Reno has
great advantages for settlers, and if your husband or wife should get a
foothold out there that may settle you. A word to the wise is sufficient, a
stitch in time saves nine, and a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush,
even if he is only the old bird you’ve been living with the past few years.
______
The
Lucky Rooster
I’d rather be a
rooster than
A farmer any day;
You see if he
should lose his crop
He wouldn’t get his pay.
While on the other
hand, you see,
The rooster is on top;
No matter what the
weather is,
He always has his crop.
______
Gungywamp
Conversation
Hank
Stubbs – Pretty hard work to git ahead uv them city Jakes.
Bige
Miller – How’s thet?
Hank
Stubbs – I asked thet feller next to Crockett’s what he expected to do with
thet ol’ run-down shebang.
Bige
Miller – What did he say?
Hank
Stubbs – Said he ‘spected to wind it up.
______
All Escaped
(Contributed.)
As the preacher gave out the last psalm
He announced in a voice clear and pscalm
That
he saw in the choir
What
looked like a fhoir,
All might leave to avoid any pshalm.
They did not wait to finish the hymn,
But with faces determined and grymn
They
rushed out in the aisle
Where
some fell in a paisle
With much danger to life and to lymn.
Dorchester. H. E. F.
____________
June 25, 1910
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
When
the Heart Is Right
Days
don’t seem a bit too long,
Ain’t afeard o’ night;
Let
ol’ trouble come along,
We
will meet him with a song
When the heart is right.
Plenty
for our hands to do,
Ain’t
no time for feeling blue
When the heart is right.
We’re
awake at break o’ day,
Ready for the fight;
Ready
for the labor fray,
Good
day’s work for good day’s pay,
When the heart is right.
Labor
is a joy supreme,
Part
of God’s unbounded scheme
When the heart is right.
There’s
a chance to lend a hand,
Chances infinite,
To
the one who cannot stand,
As
the Master hand hath planned,
When the heart is right.
Life
is runnin’ free an’ fine,
An’
the passage is divine,
When the heart is right.
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“Most
gen’ly the man who wants the earth will kick becuz he hez to pay taxes on ha’f
an acre.”
______
Church Note
The
automobile will never interfere with our going to church unless it happens to
hit us when we are not looking.
______
Tommy’s Failing
Mrs.
Wurrie – Tommy is all broken out; he must have the hives!
Mr.
Wurrie – Drat that boy! He’s always doing something rash!
______
Pavement
Philosophy
Soft
people don’t wear well.
A
fool and his money are not well mated.
The
road to success is sprinkled with spill-outs.
Most
everybody takes exercise of the wrong kind.
Continual
dropping wears away the amateur’s bank account.
It’s
all right to talk about your neighbors if you use the right kind of talk.
Many
travelers through life close their eyes to the signboards as they go along.
The
wicked stand in slippery places, and are always ready to knock the heels out
from the righteous.
The
older we grow the fewer dates we make; we simply say we’ll be there when we get
there.
Farming
is an interesting pursuit; but, if you want to keep the boys on the farm, don’t
pursue it from 4 A. M. to 8 P. M.
The
peach crop which is ruined out in the country every year is always more than
made good when the girls get out there from the cities.
A
fat man could reduce his weight by worrying, but of course it would be out of
the question to ask a fat man to worry.
______
Tom and Bob
(Contributed.)
The
Thomas cat, at times, may don the sausage skin,
And
now the Robert veal our chicken pie gets in.
So
best it is these days to be a bit discreet,
And
not to hear puss mew or unripe bossy bleat.
Each
time our lunch appears, the less the truth we wake,
‘Twill
better be by far for our poor stomach’s sake! T. F.
Melrose.
______
A Blue Day
Along
we drifted lazily,
Beneath the fair blue summer sky;
But
when she told me she would be
A
sister kind and true to me,
The sky changed and blue was I.
______
Croquet Etiquette
Croquet
etiquette has changed considerably since the time when Eve threw down her
mallet in the garden of Eden and wouldn’t play anymore with Adam.
Poor
old Adam! He felt awfully cut up and went off by himself and took 52 fig leaves
and invented a game of solitaire.
“Cheating
croquet” is the fashionable game nowadays, only you must not let it be observed
by the other players.
Don’t
get hot over a game, then sit in a low, damp place to cool off.
Arguments
are to be cut down to 20 minutes this year; otherwise the game is forfeited.
It
is perfectly allowable nowadays for outsiders to butt in and tell the players
what to do; it creates interest and tends to lengthen the game.
It
is no longer considered in good taste to strike your opponent with your mallet;
a grievance committee should be appointed in every neighborhood.
____________
June 26, 1910
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
The
Call We Like the Best
The parson has his
call to preach,
And, if it’s good and loud,
He packs his grip
and makes the trip
To save a larger crowd.
The hawker calls
his daily wares
Along the dusty street;
But, of them all,
we like the call
That bids us come to eat.
We used to like to
call each night
Upon a pretty miss;
Oh! Calling them from 8 to 10
Were moments full of bliss!
We like to call
upon her now,
But not the same old way;
The call most
sweet is that to eat
Three square meals every day.
O, call the tame
and call the wild,
And call your wares through town;
And call the “line,”
and call for wine,
And call each other down.
Yes, call the
preacher good and loud,
And call each other blest;
But, of them all, we
like the call
Announcing dinner best.
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“The
lay uv the hen sounds good to the feller who hez a fine ear fur omelets.”
______
Dodging the Great
White Life
“I’m
looking for an ideal country hotel,” said the quiet man in black.
“Guess
I can fix you up,” said the landlord, taking in his good clothes and fine
appearance. “We’re called the best around here.”
“What are your accommodations?”
“Well, sir, we’ve got teams here, golf, boating, an
automobile, up-to-date table, open plumbing, a string band, barber shop,
dancing Wednesday and Saturday nights, electric lights, and twice a week the
village cornet band plays on the lawn.”
“Guess I’ll go a little further,” said the quiet man
in black; “those are the things I’m trying to get away from.”
______
Easy Essays
(The
Cow.)
The
cow is a four-footed beast, with a tail at one end and two horns at the other,
and lots of body in the middle. Her tail is useful only in fly time, but her
horns are useful all the year round. The
cow is sometimes called “Bossie,” though why it is hard to understand. On the
contrary she is one of the most meek and gentle disposed animals on foot. The
bull, or man cow, is really the boss, he being much more bossy than the lady
cow. A pet name for the cow is “Moolie,” which is frequently changed to “muley”
whenever she kicks over trifles, which she often does.
The
cow will seldom kick without cause because she is a lady cow, and to kick
without cause would, of course, be unladylike. A great many times she doesn’t
kick when she would be justified in doing so, and frequently she gives the hook
for no apparent reason whatever. A great many times the cow is accused of
giving watered milk when in reality the milkman is more to blame than she. Once
a city man, driving through the country, saw some cows drinking from a brook. “Aha!”
said he, “I’ll never blame our milkman again; those cows are watering their own
milk!”
To
keep a cow from playing “hookey” her horns should be kept well buttoned; but no
cow but an ‘ornery cow would hook, anyway. Then, of course, you can never tell
when a cow is going to be ‘ornery. To keep a cow from jumping you must either
put a poke on her or tie a board over her face. Everybody doesn’t keep a cow
because they don’t have the room. A goat takes up a good deal less space. Then,
of course, a goat makes a good deal better butter.
______
Lovely Woman
With
ethics pat our ladies juggle,
They
hate a thief – and yet they smuggle.
– Birmingham Age-Herald.
They
scorn to pilfer, pretty dears –
Their
hotel spoons are “souvenirs.”
– Boston Transcript.
To
gamble is the worst of sinnings,
But
how they love their husband’s winnings! – Buffalo News.
They
wouldn’t lie; but make them wait
Ten
minutes, it’s “an hour” – that’s straight! – Scranton Times.
They
scorn all petty tricks, they say,
Then
lure their neighbor’s cook away.
–
Cleveland Plain Dealer.
Conductor
misses them – blame is his;
They
keep the nickel; ‘tis not their biz.
– Chicago Tribune.
Yet,
lovely woman, ‘tis no jolly,
We
love your sense and love your folly.
____________
June 27, 1910
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
Will
Hubby Come Back?
All roads they lead
to Reno,
North, south, east and west;
And men who seek
vacations
They like old Reno best.
You visit Ann
Eliza
And she’s in tears, alack!
She says, “He’s
gone to Reno,
O, Lord, will he come back?”
O, Reno’s populated
With sports from ev’ry clime;
It looks like they
are going
To have a high old time.
They’re going to
bet their dollars
Upon the white or black;
But O, if they are
losers,
How will they e’er get back?
So Mary Jane is
weeping,
With naught to break the spell;
And Katherine
knows Reno
Is not the place to dwell.
But all roads lead
to Reno,
And women mourn, alack!
They sit in gloom
and wonder
If hubby will come back.
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“You
can’t jedge a man by his income; it’s the outgo thet shows up his real
character.”
______
Theatrical Note
Henry
B. Harris, the New York theatrical manager, is anxious to learn the name of the
author who sent him a transcript entitled, “A Matter of Money.” The situation
is singular, but nothing to worry about. Mr. Harris should go right ahead and
produce the play, and then if it’s successful there will be plenty of claimants
to the authorship.
______
Cheerful Comment
When
the TRIO meet the oysters will listen.
Is
ice cream intended to cool patriotic ardor?
Radium
is scarce in London, but there’s plenty of fog left.
If
he goes out to the “city of separations” will he come back?
Parr’s
sugar reward may drop considerably below that point before he gets it.
Tommie
says he doesn’t see much patriotism in ice cream, not even in a whole gallon of
the stuff.
But
the new way of celebrating the Fourth is going to make a great hit with the girls,
just the same!
Personally
we are glad the government won’t stand for having obnoxious creditors print “Please
Remit” on the outside of their envelopes.
There
is no good reason why Margaret Illington shouldn’t return to the stage
providing she has got her husband’s stockings all darned up.
It
ought to be ab easy matter for the Golden Gate public to grant young Theodore’s
request, although San Francisco hasn’t as much to take up its attention as it
had a week ago.
______
My Gardener
(Contributed.)
I
watched the progress of his rake,
As moving to and fro,
It
seemed no record it would break,
Unless for going slow,
‘Twould
make a comrade picture fine
Were Hogarth here to draw;
For
fast indeed, compared with mine,
The “rake’s progress” he saw.
Melrose. T. F.
______
Musings of the
Office Boy
A
rest is a fine thing after a vacation.
All
things come to him who waits at the pay window.
There
is always such a large quiet after the big noise.
Cigarettes
help to draw some customers and drive away others.
It
takes a lot of cologne to offset removin’ a pair of office shoes.
The
milk of human kindness gets pretty thin and blue by the time it’s ready to
drink.
Ain’t
it funny how much an ice cream soda will do for a typewriter on a hot day?
It
ain’t the hard work, it’s chewin’ the same piece of gum ev’ry day that kills.
______
Abdul Hamid, the D’Auber
The
ex-sultan of Turkey, says a paper of that country, “has turned artist and
paints the sea, the ships, the sailing boats and the fields and spring verdure.
He is a brilliant colorist, a lover of striking effects, an original.” There is
no reason in the world why Abdul Hamid shouldn’t make a brilliant artist; he
has a fine eye for color, as the world knows, and his immediate surroundings
are supplied with models to burn. In fact, he has painted the Turkish empire
red these many years.
____________
June 28, ‘10
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
Bjones’s
Fishing Trip
The trouting
season’s over,
Bjones has figured out
How much it really
cost him
To land a single trout.
The cost is
interesting,
Which is submitted here;
Might be of use to
anglers
Who wish to go next year.
Bjones o’erhauled
his tackle,
It cost him seven bones;
He grumbled at the
figure
In no uncertain tones.
His railroad fare
was seven,
Two-fifty for a team;
Which made it
sixteen-fifty
Before he reached the stream.
The farmer charged
a couple
Before he could proceed;
Bjones then
started fishing
With energy and speed.
He punched his
rubber waders,
Which quickly filled with wet;
And next he lost
his balance,
And in the brook upset.
The damage to his
clothing
and to his boots was eight;
The damage to his
feelings
We cannot well relate.
At last he got a
nibble,
And hummed a happy song;
He hooked in a
speckled beauty
About eight inches long.
And then his trip
was over,
He sadly turned about;
It cost him nearly
thirty
To get that little trout.
*
* * *
* *
Bjornes at club or
office,
When weeds are burning prime,
Says: “Fishing’s
good as ever,
I had a bully time!”
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“The
feller who allus butts in ain’t necessarily a goat; he may be wuss.”
______
Religious Note
Reno
is no place for a minister’s son.
______
Vacation Note
Fellows
who get only a two weeks’ vacation are wondering if the carpet firm is giving
Teddy, Jr., a month’s rest, or if he is just taking it.
______
Cheerful Comment
The
“blue bird” is also an early one.
Anyway,
Reno won’t have a safe and sane Fourth.
Those
Nicaraguan revolutionists are still revoluting.
The
Col. never heard anything in the jungle to equal the “’Rah, ’Rah, ’Rah!!”
What’s
a little “eel grass” to a man who has a weedless propeller, anyway?
In
the parlance of the day, literature is gradually descending into that charming
word, “dope.”
The
Cubans appear to be carrying out their political arguments in the good
old-fashioned (Spanish) way.
The
two steamers, Yale and Middletown, find that they cannot even go side by side
on the same rail.
Of
course, the senior class of the College of the City of New York, who presented
Mayor Gaynor an “Ephebic” oath, swearing never to bring disgrace upon the city’s
name through any acts of their own, mean that they are going to keep out of New
York politics.
______
Caught on the Fly
Tom
– How do you find Cora’s father?
Jack
– The last time I left him at the door I recommended he use more foot ease.
______
A Song of Love
As is the daybreak to the east,
Or
like a lady to a feast,
Or
as a rose to rosy June,
Is love to youth; sweet love, some soon;
Before
the daylight is dispersed,
Before
the lady, rising first,
Is gone, while yet the rose is red –
Come love, sweet love, ‘ere Youth be fled.
As is the sunset to the west,
Or
as the speeding to the guest,
And
like the last kisses this side fate
Is love to Age; dear love, stay late;
Until
the sunset fades at last,
Until
the guest home-sped is passed;
And when last farewells have been said
Stay love, dear love, though earth lies
dead.
Somerville. H. A. KENDALL.
____________
1910, June
29,
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
Airshipping
When the wind is fair airshipping is fine,
We
sail like a lark in the sky;
We fly o’er the hills with heart-stirring thrills,
And
bid the slow earth good-bye.
When the weather is fair airshipping is
great,
Skimming
over the cloudland stream;
But alas! When it blows and it rains and
snows,
Airshipping
is not all a dream.
When the winds run wild o’er the cloudland
sea,
And
the cloud-waves dance and break,
Then the airship rolls with its helpless
souls,
Like
a straw in the tempest’s wake.
With the thunder’s roar, and the
lightning’s flash,
And
the skies gale-rent and dun,
When the shoals are near, and breakers
appear,
Then
airshipping’s dangerous fun.
It is so as we sail life’s journey
through,
Whether
at sea or ashore;
When the wind is fair, and we have cash to
spare,
The
journey is joy galore.
But when things go wrong, and the skies
are dark,
And
we have to stem the stream,
And the motors won’t go in the teeth of
the blow,
Then
airshipping’s not all a dream.
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“They’s
sech a thing ez strikin’ a note so high the world can’t hear it.”
______
Echo Note
The
Rev. Hugh Black of Union Theological Seminary, New York, who delivered the
baccalaureate sermon to the seniors of Dartmouth, said, among other things: “We
seldom hear a voice nowadays which is not merely an echo of what somebody else
has said.” The Rev. Black might have added: “There’s nothing new under the sun,”
and this would have effectively covered his own rather discouraging statement.
______
What is a Banana?
Dear
Jocosity: A huckster’s wagon out in Cambridge has this sign painted in large
letters along its sides: “Bananas and Fruit.” Now, if bananas are not fruit,
will you please tell us whether they are meat, fish or fowl? The fact that the
wagon is kept in close proximity to Harvard square ought to be sufficient
guarantee that the sign reads right.
“CO’” AND “FLO’.”
Dear
“Co’” and “Flo’”: You are right; “A.” gets it. The banana is a terra firma
shellfish, with a vegetable attachment. The banana, when it is ripe, is part
fowl because it roosts in a tree part of the time. A green banana isn’t
anything, and is unfit even for discussion. The banana is part meat because you
meet it wherever you go. It is also part fish because, while it wouldn’t live
in the water, it must of necessity come by water, and besides, the fruit dealer
usually lands it with a hook. We hope we have made ourselves plain. Of course
we might go on and expatiate further upon the banana skin until we raises peals
of laughter, but after all, there’s a good chance of slipping up on it.
______
A Sign of the
Times
A
plumbing sign out in one of the suburbs is attracting more than usual attention
just now. It is not because there’s a heat wave on, or because the plumbers
have installed a lower schedule of prices, but simply because the sign reads: “Martin
and Reno.”
______
Sunset on Rangeley
Lake
(Contributed.)
Calm is the lake, and the air is still,
Save the song of some lonely whippoorwill,
Or
the call of a loon to its far-off mate,
Re-echoing over the distant hill.
The sky, in the palest of every hue,
Is filled with the sinking sun; and to
The
waters below, reflected down,
It shines – indeed, it is God’s own view!
The sun on the lake, the light of the sky,
The song of the loon, the whippoorwill’s
cry,
The
moan of the breeze in the treetops, and all
Are together a scene for the critic’s eye!
HAROLD BROWN FREEMAN,
Rangeley,
Me.
______
‘Twas Ever Thus
Some critics doubtless, keen and bright,
Irked
by the sound of “platitudes,”
Would call the Ten Commandments “Trite,”
And
coin some new Beatitudes.
B.
______
Local Consumption
Beacon
– What are you looking so gloomy about, sonny?
Little
Beacon – Well, I was just thinking if we’ve got to have an ice cream Fourth I
hope it’ll be a good hot one.
______
Calm
After the Storm
“I’ll be sad,
indeed,” the poet wrote,
“When they have that big Reno fight”;
And when his
companion asked him why,
The poet sadly
made this reply:
“I’ll have naught about which to write.”
______
Peculiar Grounds
It
behooves everybody not to have anything in the nature of convulsions if they
can possibly help it, else something worse befall them while the unwelcome
attack is in session. A New York actress and dancer has sued for divorce on the
grounds that she was wed to an alleged confidence man while under the influence
of bonafide convulsion, while acting in Utica, N. Y., in 1903. There is a
similarity between the words convulsion and contortion, but he would be a cruel
judge, indeed, who would doubt a pretty lady’s word. Then again, perhaps some
of the dancers whom we’ve seen of late, and didn’t like, weren’t dancing at
all; they might have been in convulsions.
____________
June 30, ‘10
No comments:
Post a Comment