Jocosities, January 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Rhyme of the Ringer

“Ring out the old, ring in the new,”

     Ring happy belles across the snow;

The village maid is on parade

     Each evening sleighing with her beau.

“Ring out the old, ring in the new,”

     Ring happy bills upon the slate;

Ring in the new, it’s up to you

     To ring the old bills out of date.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“There ain’t no use in turning over a new leaf onless you intend puttin’ somethin’ thet’s wuth while on it.”

______

Resolved:

To do others good.

To get up earlier mornings, weather permitting.

To use everybody better, including myself.

To speak ill of no one, if they are within hearing.

To keep up my spirits; empty bottles are a dead give-away.

To lead a better life, and not let my wife do all the leading.

To smoke no cheap cigars except those bought myself.

To get home earlier nights, else stay over till morning.

To say “good morning” to everybody, unless I happen to have on a grouch.

Not to borrow my neighbor’s paper unless he brings it over for me to read.

Not to run away from danger if there is any quicker mode of travel.

Not to lose my temper; to always have it with me in case I have need of it.

Not to go into debt for anything for which people will not trust me.

Not to do more than my share of work, because it takes away from others and encourages idleness.

To lay up something besides an umbrella and overshoes for a rainy day. A mackintosh is always handy.

______

A New Year Couplet

Write it “Nineteen Hundred and Ten,”

Then rewrite it, and write is again.

______

A Fair Offer

Yes, darling, we are growing old,

     No more we feel that youthful fire;

My love, howe’er, shall ne’er grow cold,

     Of you, dear one, I ne’er shall tire.

Although each morn is bleak and cold,

     A kitchen maid I cannot hire;

I’ll love you till you’re bent and old,

     If you’ll get up and light the fire.

______

Bige Miller Says:

“Ef ev’ry years is a New Year how kin the world grow old?”

______

A Cry of the Wild

(Contributed.)

O, Cone, you Joe!

     You pain me so,

Your rhymes they make me sore;

     As “morn” with “gone,”

     “Idea” with “year” –

Don’t do it any more,

     Or I shall be

     Compelled, you see,

To throw you out the door.

                         “JOE” SETON

Hubbardston, Mass.

Dear “Joe” Seton: My rhymes don’t make you any more sore than they do me, but I allow I’d be sorer if I got my living by chopping wood, etc., so I am trying to hang on by rhyming “hot” with “yacht” and “pain” with “reign.” If you fellows will only keep still about it, I don’t think the editor will notice such things, but if you keep bringing it up I am likely to lose my job. Sincerely,

                                FATHER JOCOSITY

____________

Jan. 1, ‘09

                 (’10)

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Up Life’s Byways

Two paths go up the hill of life,

     The path of wrong, the path of right;

One path is strewn with toil and strife,

     The other strewn with flowers bright.

Inviting looks the path of wrong,

     More toilsome looks the path of right;

One sends a wave of ribald song,

     The other less of mirth and light.

But ‘tis the goal, and not the road

     The pilgrim needs must keep in view;

The path that lures the lighter load

     Is not the safer to pursue.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“The man with the largest number uv dorgs hez the hardest job keepin’ the wolf away frum the door.”

______

Cheerful Comment

That Charleston school janitress ought to have a vote.

The big snow came just in time to stop a lot of mud-slinging.

It was almost a “Peary Relief Expedition” that was needed in Maryland.

Perhaps it would be money in the pockets of all the towns to search their hoboes for hidden wealth.

Mary Boland, the actress, says: “When you love a man, go after him.” That’s right, Mary, he might just as well be brought home as 10 in the evening as at 2 in the morning.

______

A Christmas Remembrance

The choice cigars that wifey gave –

     Alas! have all gone up in smoke;

Thank He’v’n, he lives to tell the tale –

     ‘Tis neither fiction nor a joke!

______

Pavement Philosophy

Do it now, or somebody else will.

Don’t give up the ship – friendship.

Hard work is the fortune teller.

Begin the New Year right, and then go ahead.

If you fly off the handle easily, better go to the repair shop.

It takes more brains than stone and timber to build a big building.

Keep your eye on the man who tells you to keep your eye on the other man.

Love makes the world go round, but ‘twon’t move an automobile through a snowdrift.

______

You Names, Please

To all those good people who would help make “Jocosities” better, and they are many and able, the motorman – he means the “conductor” – of this column wishes they would kindly sign their names to their offerings, not necessarily for publication, but as a guarantee they are not trying to put up a job on one who is meek and lowly, and who is not over worldly-wise. In other words, if Jocosity has occasion to sue a contributor for producing better stuff than he can grind out himself, naturally he wants to know whom to sue. “Not only that,” but if he should wish to present an automobile or a large government bond to the sender of an unusually brilliant contribution, he wants to know where to send it. He hopes his good friends will keep this in mind, but not to the extent of keeping their names off their contributions.

______

His Latest Resolve

“Did you swear off anything?”

“Yes.”

“What?”

“Swearing off.”

______

Rural Pastimes

Subscriber – Hello, Central, there’s someone listening to our conversation; Mrs. Talkafast and I can scarcely hear each other!

Central – I don’t think so, madam; I’ve been listening for 10 minutes to see if I can detect anyone doing it.

______

Popular a Short Time Ago

“What is a North Pole cocktail, anyway?”

“A gum drop in a glass of soft-soap suds.”

______

Fixing Himself

“What’s to be the name of your new novel?”

“I’m going to call the book ‘Stung.’”

“That’s a queer title.”

“Apparently so, but I don’t mean that my readers shall have anything on me after they have bought the book and read it.”

____________

Jan. 2, 1909

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Art calendars are all right ef they don’t take your mind off’n one figger an’ keep it on another.”

______

Shopping Notes

Mark-downs are attractive and useful, but don’t ever allow yourself to become one.

______

Cheerful Comment

Dan Blake Russell’s is a long suit.

Will Tillinghast leave his records up in the air?

Zelaya can’t become any more slippery by becoming a greaser.

It’s easy enough to write it “1909”       we mean “1910.”

How do you like the “burnsides” she was so pleased to give you?

The “beautiful snow” was so overwhelming that the poets are still burrowed.

If you happen to hear any leaves rustling now, you will know they are being turned back.

A Cincinnati woman cut her husband’s hair for six years. That is not the way a married woman usually trims her hubby.

Perhaps the chugging motors which you think you hear may be the “br-r-r-r” of the sky pilot trying to keep warm.

Dismal Swamp has been sold to a stirring corporation, but it will be a long time before it is popular as a summer resort.

United States Marshal “Jack” Abernathy has won more fame by rounding up a fine gang of robbers. How that man Roosevelt stays in the limelight!

______

Knocked Out for News

Hank Stubbs – Abe Crockett says we’re goin’ to hev wireless telephones purty soon.

Bige Miller – Yaas, an’ Abe’s wife says ef that is so they’ll hafter go to takin’ the weekly paper again.

______

Girls Will Be Girls

He – They say Moss Bookwurm is a veritable walking dictionary.

She – And just about as interesting.

______

Building Vs. Farming

Hank Stubbs – I see by the papers thet Madison Square Garden is to be done away with.

Bige Miller – Jest like them city folks, sp’ilin’ all out doors fur the sake uv gittin’ up another buildin’.

______

“Our Late Storm”

(Reports sent in to the “Gungawamp Advocate” by various correspondents.)

Lem Hooker is kept home with a bad cold. His wife has it.

A WIller Road reporter says there is all of three foot of snow on the level, but much more where it is drifted.

Hiram Hutchins, in going from his house to do the chores, mistook the cider mill for the barn and staid in the former all night. He was rescued by neighbors the following morning.

Bige Miller sends word to his office that the telephone and telegraph companies are not the only sufferers from the recent storm, by having poles blown down. He says his four clothes-poles are flat, and he doesn’t see how his wife is going to do any washing till the frost leaves the ground so he can dig some new post holes.

______

Fixing Himself

“What’s to be the name of your new novel?”

“I’m going to call the book ‘Stung.’”

“That’s a queer title.”

“Apparently so, but I don’t mean that my readers shall have anything on me after they bought the book and read it.”

____________

Jan. 3, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Knee Panties for Yours?

Following the run of short skirts and barefoot dancers, comes the news from New York that if men want to be the real thing as regards evening dress they will have to don knee britches. Isn’t it awful, Charley? Turn up your trousers and take stock; in other words, size up your pair of shrinking twin calves, you who measure 5 foot 10 and weigh 120 pounds, and try to imagine how you would look in knickerbockers and long stockings! Your wildest imagination wouldn’t give you a true picture of yourself. If you have any influence with Dame Fashion call her up at once and see if you can’t have this awful edict sidetracked. And then again, there might be occasion when you would be mistaken for the butler, which would be most embarrassing, not only for you but for the mistake. Fashion has played many cruel pranks upon woman, and now mere man seems about to get his.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“The most an’ best bizniz comes to those who mind their own.”

______

The Limit

“Snow, snow, O, beautiful snow!”

You’re all right as far as you go;

But we suggest you be given a check

When you go so far as a fellow’s neck!

______

Cheerful Comment

Did Mrs. Catt hit you, old boy?

Anyway, somebody’s going to be mayor a week from now.

Here’s hoping Judge Lynch will go out of business altogether.

Poor Brokaw is something like a million and a half poor.

When it comes to a question of oysters or typhoid we’re going to eat clams.

It’s rather hard, in times like these, to have a scientist tell us that if we want to grow thinner we have to eat oftener.

Putting brakes upon our warships may be all right, but some people think they would better be put upon the appropriations.

It is hoped that Dr. Benedict’s information, to the effect that fish as a special brain food is an “exploded fallacy,” won’t have a tendency to decrease the number of annual April anglers.

______

Tale of a Stub Lead Pencil

(Contributed.)

Because his heart and limbs were no stronger,

An old “bach” died, for he could live no longer;

And, through his long and persevering life,

Amassed a fortune – minus a costly wife.

He had relatives, the wisest of their kind,

But with all their wits his fortune ne’er could find;

For he used his miser’s instinct, keeping still,

Telling naught of his wealth, even in a will.

Days and months they searched for his bonds and gold,

Till they found his stub lead pencil, and it told

On its beveled side (to him a souvenir)

The name of his bank in letters plain and clear.

Told where fifty thousand dollars could be found

Waiting for happy relatives, I will be bound!

And it reveled a miser’s saving habits –

That stub pencil, as short as tails on rabbits.

                            – JUDSON BISCO

______

Winning Pa Over

Angry Father – Perhaps you didn’t throw that snowball through the window, young man, but I’ve a good mind to thrash you on general principles!

Johnnie – If I knew dead sure it wouldn’t hurt me as much there as on some other places I wouldn’t mind the thrashin’, pa.

______

For the Kitchenette

In picking out a food for thought

     From all the bookish jam,

Adapt your mood to worthy food

     And try a little Lamb.

                  – Philadelphia Bulletin.

Or if Lamb’s not your favorite dish

     And with no gusto taken,

Some Hogg might do, or else a few

     Nice juicy bits of Bacon.

                                 – Transcript.

And if you want a serving man,

     One clever with a pen, sir,

And full of meat, look Herbert up,

     He is a good dis-Spencer.

____________

Jan. 4, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Our Fireside Nights at Home

Compared with some folks in the world

     I s’pose we’re pretty slow;

An’ outside of our own front gate

     We wouldn’t make much show.

But we don’t yearn for all the world,

     Nor do we wish to roam;

When all our work is done we like

     Our fireside nights at home.

I s’pose we’ve missed a lot, perhaps

     Of what the world calls fine

By stayin’ here upon the farm;

     But somehow, I opine,

We’ve gained a little to have missed,

     The treach’rous social foam;

At least we know they’re safe an’ sound,

     Our fireside nights at home.

The dog’s behind the Franklin stove,

The cat is in a chair;

The stock are snug in barn an’ shed,

     There’s wood enough to spare.

We’ve got our cellar stocked with food,

     An’ honey in the comb;

But best of all, love dominates

     Our fireside nights at home!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Ef you don’t ring true the world won’t continue to hev an ear fur your music.”

______

The Query Box

Matinee Girl – You were misinformed; they are not using the swan boats to ferry people to the Majestic Theatre. The high tide has subsided, and walking up and down Tremont street is as good as ever, for those who haven’t the price of a ride.

Botany – No, the long trenches dug here and there thought the Common are not for sweet peas, as you suspect; they were thrown up by the local war department, which feared an invasion by Zelaya. It is rumored that they will be left intact now till after the struggle between the Red and Blue armies next summer.

______

Cheerful Comment

A real cold snap is far from being one.

Anyway, Nat Turner can call himself the tip-top candidate.

Some people keep their resolutions by putting them on the shelf.

Mrs. Cook hasn’t left her husband, but could you put it the other way round?

Wonder if the present mayor believes in signs? Is it an ill omen that he drew fourth on the ticket?

Lipkowska has shed her shoes. Now if all women would follow suit they’d have more to put on their heads.

The only difference in the social standing of the world’s great crooks is that some get away and some don’t.

A few high rollers, added to the tidal wave at the South End, made navigation humorous as well as dangerous.

Aren’t women coming to the front? We guess. Read about the woman of 65 who out-dueled her young son-in-law with revolvers at ten paces!

______

Cold Feet

Judge Crowe of Chicago is not only a rare bird in many respects, but has made a great hit with Chicago husbands who have been suffering from cold feet. The cold feet in question belong, not to the husbands in the strict sense of the word, but are the property of the said husbands’ wives. A Chicago husband, who objected to having the middle of his back serve the purpose of a soapstone, was dragged into Judge Crowe’s court, on complaint of his wife, for cruel and abusive treatment.  The judge, after listening to the man’s defence, gave a few sympathetic shivers, as though recalling something from his own life, and discharged the man, saying a wife had no right to put her cold feet on her husband. Little wonder Chicago husbands are rejoicing, not only from the view of personal comfort, but also from the fact that another supposedly woman’s right has turned out to be a woman’s wrong. Judge Crowe should be given a high place on the tree of fame for so ably defending man’s “caws.”

______

Gungawamp’s Standard

Hank Stubbs – What’s your idee uv hard cider, Bige?

Bige Miller – Waal, any coder thet ain’t froze into solid junk ain’t none too hard fur me.

______

A Rural Critic

Artist(sketching) – “Art is long, and time is fleeting,” my friend.

Farmer – Waal, I ain’t much uv a jedge of picters, but it strikes me your quotation order be t’other way round.

____________

Jan. 5, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

On to Pittsburg

Bonci, the Boston grand opera tenor, explains that he couldn’t see his way clear to got to Pittsburgh with the rest of Mr. Russell’s luminaries, disappointing a large number of Pittsburghers who had purchased seats for the opera. Bonci’s reason is a novel one, and if we were in the habit of making jokes we would say that most people who go there find it difficult to see their way clear after reaching Pittsburgh, but as we are engaged in a more serious occupation we refrain from seizing the rare opportunity for levity.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“The world believes in ‘give an’ take,’ but ‘take’ is in the majorerty.”

______

The Human Manuscript

The poet forwarded his contribution to the editor of a well known magazine. It was not a poem, nor was it a story, it was a request for the hand of his daughter, she who had frequently listened to his soul-poems, with throbbing heart and uplifted eyes. The editor, unfortunately, had never been under the spell, and replied as follows:

Dear Sir: Your contribution duly received and entered. We regret to say that you are unavailable, not because you are lacking in merit, but partly because we are overstocked with similar material, and mainly because you do not meet the requirements of our present needs, and rather than keep you pigeon-holed indefinitely we return you herewith, as it frequently happens that an article unsuited to the requirements of one editor may easily come within the scope of another. Regretting that we haven’t time for more extended personal criticism, and hoping you will favor us at some future date with an article more suited to our present policy we are, most obediently yours,

                                                     THE EDITOR.

______

Hub Reasoning

Pa – You are old enough now to be ashamed to take a whipping from me!

Boy – Following out your theory, pa, you are old enough now to be ashamed to expect me to take a whipping from you.

______

Summing Up

Pro – Beg pardon, old man, but what did you say your orator’s names is?

Con – Windmere, Windmere.

Pro – Excuse me, but the name should be transposed.

____________

Jan. 6, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Whipped Cream Puff

(Twenty-seven cases of ptomaine poisoning, all but one traceable to the eating of cream puffs or chocolate éclairs, have been discovered in Syracuse, N.Y.)

O, O, what startling news are these!

     What shall mi-lady do?

Pray, let us hope, by all that’s great,

     This message isn’t true!

What joy is left for maiden fair,

     How could she find enough

To eat, alas! were she to pass

     The dainty whipped-cream puff?

O, what would birthday party be,

     Or dinner matinee,

Without the chocolate éclair,

     Or creamy puff display?

O, take away the chop and steak,

     Cut out the pork and bean,

But baker man, do all you can

     To keep the cream puff clean!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Ev’ry man hez one chance, mebbie, but the chances he don’t hev would fill a mighty big book.”

______

The Answer

“Show us why the treasury department sent vessels to search for John Jacob Astor’s seagoing yacht some weeks ago,” demands the House committee on expenditures. The answer is so easy we hate to print it: “To try to locate it, gentlemen.” For further information on the subject address the Jocosity bureau of information.

______

Musings of the Office Boy

When I ast the boss fur a raise he lifted his eyebrows.

Ev’ry time I try to make good I seem to get in bad.

Life ain’t all peaches and cream; some of it is lemons and skim milk.

I was told to get here earlier mornings; it must have been so the others could come later.

______

Cheerful Comment

A white rhino and “1912”?

“If I am elected mayor of Boston,” etc.

New Hampshire bakers are good “raisers.”

Somebody’s candidacy is a joke, but whose?

If we could can some of that zero weather for next July, but we can’t.

Here’s hoping there will never be any race suicide as far as the “old elm” is concerned.

Now that the toy pistol has become more deadly than the real one, it behooves fathers and sons to swap off.

Everything appears to go in waves. Just now it is loot being returned by thieves. May the wave be a high roller.

To be sure, New York is going to cut corns free, but it will cost us $10 to get over there and back.

Beverly has been a costly place ever since it started in as a summer Capitol. Cost 43000 to remove the last snow. Time was they let it stay put.

______

Literary Values

Hank Stubbs – Amos Green says he ketched his boy readin’ them dime novels.

Bige Miller – Even at that the boy’s forty cents ahead uv them who read the fifty-centers.

______

The Airship Man

When the sky is full of snow,

When the winds of winter blow,

     When the world is lost in whiteness to the frozen upper span,

When the night is deep and black,

And you cannot see the track,

     How’d you like to take the chances of the

                               Air

    ship

        man?

When it’s zero down below,

And it’s more than that we know,

     Half a mile above the housetops where ‘twould freeze an empty can,

When you couldn’t, though you’d try,

Dodge an iceberg in the sky,

     How’d you like to swap positions with the

                               Air

                                   ship

                                       man?

____________

Jan. 7, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Uncle Ezra Says:

“”When a man says he’d ruther be right than be preserdunt, he orter state which one.”

______

The “Old Boston Elm”

Once more has a “pretender” been stripped of glory. This time it is the “Old Boston Elm,” which has been “Copenhagened.” If the poor old tree has any proofs that it is a descendant of the original, doubtless it has them buried in a cache somewhere around its roots. Anyway, the committee of investigation, namely, the New England Historic Genealogic Society, has examined its records and pronounces it a faker. Inasmuch as there is an iron fence around it it will be impossible for the tree to get away, and therefore it will have to stand the scorn and criticism of indignant Bostonians, as well as that of countless tourists.

______

Cheerful Comment

There’s a hitch in the Rhode Island hitchery.

Let well enough alone; that is what the ex-explorer is doing.

Who gave Mayor Gaynor the mitten? Not the voters of New York City.

Literary and sporting circles want to know what happened to the Watson-Le Gallienne mill?

Was the tech student trying to corner the egg market, or make business for his family physician?

On a recent wet day a man on Boylston street turned to look at a woman passing and stepped into a deep puddle and wet his feet. Mora’: It is safer to look through a store window.

______

Jealousy of the Flowers

The rose is red,

     The violet’s blue

Because the rose

     Costs more – ‘tis true!

______

Musings of the Office Boy

If most men got paid for overtime dey’d be docked.

Talk is cheap, but does anybody ever get paid for keepin’ still?

Competition may be de life of trade, but it also helps to keep me from getting’ a raise.

My boss has a sign on his desk which says, “Keep Smilin’,” den he asts me w’at de      I’m grinin’ fer!

______

Scenic Hay

Maud Muller in a rural play was very busy raking hay. White paper is so high, you know, that scenic hay costs less than snow. – Lancaster (Ohio) Examiner. Still, scenic hay must be quite high, although it may be very good, for lots of hay is used, you know, concocting Chewitt Breakfastfood. – Washington Herald. And then again this scenic hay does double duty in the play. For when ‘tis stacked against the wall the pony ballet eats it all. – Cleveland Plain Dealer. And we have heard that scenic hay os often used another way, for stuffed in stockings long and quaint it makes legs seem like what they ain’t. – Houston Post.

But if it’s true they use this hay on stuffing stockings, as you say, we hate to write it, but alas! Young men, and old, keep off the grass.

______

Isn’t He Plenty?

“It is neither good wheeling nor good sledding,” grumbled the man with the pessimistic cut.

“Why worry?” queried the man who enjoys life, “you’re afoot aren’t you?”

____________

Jan. 8, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Nail

Some people when they hit the nail,

     They hit it on the head;

And some are always sure to fail,

     And hit elsewhere instead.

Some look not where they wish to strike,

     By other thoughts are lead;

They do not hit where they would like,

     They fail to hit the head.

Some look too close, and then are blind,

     Too many heads they see;

The single one they have in mind

     Becomes one, two and three.

You e’er must gauge your eye as well

     As hand; then feel no dread

But that your every blow will tell,

     You’ll hit it on the head.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“A joke ain’t no joke when it’s took serious.”

______

Sporting Note

A deep crimson color, spread over town at night under certain conditions, becomes a dark brown one the following morning.

______

The Query Box

Dear Sir – When a man slips, does he slip up or down? –   Victim. It depends altogether where he lands. If he finishes on the ground he slips down, but if his momentum carries him to the roof of a second-story building then he slips up. (No charge.)

______

Pavement Philosophy

Lots of the world’s linen is cotton.

Somebody else can take your medicine, but ‘twon’t cure you.

Take plenty of time, but not that which belongs to others.

Back-biting is a sure way to make friends for your enemies.

If you have any idea of separating from your life partner, divorce it.

Some people who wouldn’t stand on ceremony will stand on other peoples’ corns.

The average man isn’t much on the “give and take,” when it comes to advice.

The man who has too many irons in the fire will soon run out of coal.

Do great things for yourself, and the best way to do that is for others.

______

Two Quatrains

(Contributed.)

REMEMBERED IN VAIN.

Ah, what can restore us the joys that have vanished,

     And give us them back as dear as they were?

Remembrance is poor, they are exiled and banished,

     The last rose of our love breathes only of myrrh.

TWO POINTS OF VIEW

On the mother’s breast the babe reposes,

       Unconscious prince of life in paradise;

All its bliss around his lips of roses,

       All its woe foreshadowed in her eyes.

                                    H. A. KENDALL.

       Somerville.

______

Reward

Life has many

     Ups and downs;

A few more crosses

Than of crowns.

Don’t be gloomy,

     Right endures;

If you’re worthy

     You’ll get yours.

____________

Jan. 9, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Meanest Man

There’s the man who tells you stories,

And the man who steals your glories,

There’s the man who treats you finely, but behind your back will talk,

There’s the man who whines for pity,

But the meanest in the city

Is the fellow who refuses to put ashes on his walk.

There’s the man who borrows money

With his promises of honey,

There’s the man who drinks the contents, while he lets you smell the cork;

But the man who ought to suffer

Is the inhumanic duffer

Who has ashes in his cellar, but won’t put ‘em on his walk.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Mebbie it ain’t perlite to look a gift hoss in the mouth, but if you don’t you’re apt to git one that can’t eat hay.”

______

Cheerful Comment

Sure, let Boston throw out its (water) front.

With the January Thaw comes further news from Matteawan.

Prospecting for gold in New York City is not without its dangers.

Striking a Boston Elevated conductor isn’t much of a hit financially.

If you are keeping a diary don’t fix it over before submitting it to your friends.

______

Musing of the Office Boy

We keep two boxes of cigars on tap, one for buyers and one for sellers.

Dey ain’t much in a name w’en ev’rybody calls you something; different.

I ain’t no financier, but it strikes me dat feet on de desk won’t bring business.

De stenog has two names: one when de boss’s wife drops in, an’ another when she ain’t around.

______

Unlucky Bruin

Shades of “Natty Rumpo,” “Kit Carson,” and “Dan’l Boone!” Not to mention a hundred and one other “b’ar” hunters. Jose Valdez, a New Mexico nimrod, has the reputation of having recently killed 13 bears in less than one hour, and Jose remarks incidentally that it wasn’t much of a day for bears, either. Yet, in spite of feats like the above coming to light occasionally, you will hear people say that bear hunting isn’t what it used to be. As a matter of fact, it isn’t; it’s better. Did any of your old boyhood heroes kill 13 bears inside an hour? We guess not. The only thing about this report that makes us skeptical is the number “13.” We with it had been either 12 or 14; however, we won’t let the difference of one figure shake our faith. Thirteen is, generally speaking, called an unlucky number, in this case very likely more unlucky for the poor bears than anybody else.

______

The Aftermath

Adown the narrow city streets

     Now day by day we see

The stolid ashmen carting off

The barren Christmas tree.

The fair, white page, so lately turned,

     Is spotted now with red and black;

Figures won’t lie, so we’ve resolved

     To write no more, but turn it back.

______

Airship Land for Sale

The following was sent to the editor of the Gungawamp Advocate for its advertising columns, but the editor was so pleased with its fine English, and its up-to-dateness that he decided to use it editorially:

To whom it may concern and Wilbur Wright, and others: I understand from the papers that airship builders are having no end of trouble to get enough open land in any one place to start their airships. I hereby announce that I have got 47 acres of open upland, where there is always a good breeze if you want it, and there ain’t no breeze if you don’t want it, that would make a ideal place for starting airships. It would also be a good place for their finish. There is a good wood road that leads up to it, and away again. There is lots of grass which is mostly moss on the field, so that a man would be safe in taking a long fall. I will rent this spot cheap by the year, or sell it cheaper still outright. I also have board to sell for them who want to stay indefinite. Any one interested in the above please address

                                           GABRIEL PERKINS

Box 1, Gungawamp, Ct.

____________

Jan. 10, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

No Money in Poetry

(Jocosities, Dec. 31, 1909.)

Friend Joe:

You know

Not long ago

You said that po-

Etry for “dough”

Would never pay;

It may be so

(You ought to know.)

But I can say –

All said and done –

I get more fun

From reading verse

Than anyone

Can e’er rehearse.

I read it all,

Of every zone

And climb Parnassus

To its Cone!

Melrose.                              T. F.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“It’s a fine thing to have so many workin’ for the workin’ man, on’y in some cases they are workin’ the workin’ man.

______

Cheerful Comment

Whirlwind campaigns suggest warm air.

Anyway, the “steely” dinner rhymes with “Seely” dinner.

If the youngsters are not careful their dads will have to revise coasting.

Gorky, dying, is working like a horse, determined to die in the harness.

All some of them will have left will be a political smile, and even that will be gone.

Mr. Roosevelt as a “peace leader?” Well, it takes a good fighter to keep the peace sometimes.

The real shake one gets after an election is a direct descendant of the handshake before election.

Pittsburg is not ready for grand opera. A musical friend unkindly remarks that the steel city is still in the dark ages.

______

Political Couplet

O, the sorrow

Of tomorrow!

______

Harry’s Impersonators

“Harry Lauder must be a changeable fellow.”

“Why so?”

“I’ve seen a dozen correct imitations of him and they’ve all been different.”

______

Theoretically, Yes

“Pa?”

“What?”

“If all the candidates should be elected then would the city be saved four times?”

______

In Doughland

New Hampshire bakers have decided to raise, among other things, the price of bakery penny goods to be 12 cents straight, not more three loaves of bread for a quarter, and holes in the morning doughnut to be increased. These are the three articles mentioned in the raising, but no doubt all the others follow proportionately. Jocosity has always felt an interest in the bakery business, and to show that he is in sympathy with the movement he submits a few suggestions whereby the New Hampshire bakers might further protect the lives of the ultimate consumers by eating less of their bakery. Few of us nowadays know what we are eating; if. in fact, we are eating anything, and to go a step further in “mixing it up” for the public, would only be a move in the direction we are going. A cheap grade of varnish, mixed with hayseed, could be used for all kinds of jam. Old straw matting cut in strips and treated with jam and powdered sugar would make a cheaper rolled jelly cake. Speed up the bread kneader and make larger bubbles in the loaves. Discarded wire hair rats covered with a thin layer of dough could be fashioned into very tempting looking doughnuts. Discarded automobile tires run through a universal meat chopper would make excellent filling for mince pies. Finally ground peanut shells, mixed with a little flour and water, would make a excellent stock jumble at half the present price. We might go on indefinitely, but think this should suffice for the first batch.

______

Looking for Work

“I’m afraid I shall have to leave your employ,” said the shipping clerk, sadly.

“Why, what is the matter?” asked the astonished employer, “is the work too hard for you? If so, I’ll give you a helper.”

“Oh, no sir, it isn’t that; it’s because it’s too easy.”

“Too easy?” repeated the merchant, “I don’t understand!”

“Yes, sir; you see; before I came here I ran my own business and did the work of three men, and worked 16 hours out of the 24, and if I stay here I’m afraid I will lose all my ambition and taste for work.”

____________

Jan. 11, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Ef you think twice afore you speak you are apt to save yourself a lot uv unnecessary conversation.”

______

For General Use

Mr.                 is elected,

     As ev’ryone must know;

We’ve no sarcastic comment

     Except – “we told you so!”

______

Cheerful Comment

It’s all plain enough, after it happens.

“All over,” and “all in,” but one; he’s out, but will be in.”

After all, it is the voter who makes the most telling speech.

The new Salem mayor is making good – his first promise.

Skating is good in many places, including many sidewalks.

Hint for a great poem: “Listen, my children, and you shall hear of the great campaign of yesteryear,” etc.

If you should see some strange lights in the sky any night this week don’t be alarmed, it will very likely be Tillinghast making a little side trip out to Los Angeles and back.

______

Musings of the Office Boy

“Still water runs deep,” but dey’s always plenty o’ good divers.

W’en in doubt, wait till de boss tells you a second time – you’ll know w’at he means den all right.

Don’t say anyt’ing to de boss dis week; he not only lost his vote, but a good-sized wad besides.

W’at’s de use fer a stenog’ to know how to spell w’en de boss is so willin’ ter look up de words fer her in de dictionary?

______

Wireless to the Jungle

(“C. Q. D.,” Old form.)

There are so many questions,

     Aye, questions of import,

So many things to settle

     Of every hue and sort,

That many wish “B. Tumbo”

     Would leave the lion’s track;

Would leave the dig-dig digging,

     And come on hot foot back.

O warrior bold and mighty,

     O,\ hunter tried and true!

We’re in a peck of trouble,

     And feel the need of you.

Insurgents are uprising,

     Pinchot is on the rack;

You are the great umpire,

     O, Tumbo, hurry back!

And then, O mighty nimrod,

     Provisions are so high!

Fresh eggs are scarce at “sixty,”

     We’ve had to cut out pie.

‘Tis you alone can save us,

     Oh, let the kiyack yack,

And let the wig-wig wiggle –

     O, “Tumbo,” hurry back!

______

The Query Box

Dear Jocosity: The papers say that Halley’s comet has a tail 10 minutes long. Now in the name of all that’s humorous, how long is a 10-minute comet tail? I WONDER. So do we. When we went to school they didn’t measure comets’ tails or horses’ tails by minutes, they measured ‘em by rods, yards, foots and inches, according to whether they were of the bob order or full length. If the astonomers measure this particular comet’s by the time it takes to pass a given point, and the comet is travelling several millions of miles a minute, then the tail must be about the length of those written by the old writers. This is about all the light we can shed upon this narrative at this writing.

____________

Jan. 12, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Sometimes the wicked stand in slipp’ry places so it will be hard for anybuddy to git near ‘em”

______

Fishing Note

Reports from St. John’s, N. F., are most satisfying. It is stated that the totals of the American herring fisheries will be far and away above the average. This will be especially pleasing to people who dote on the large American sardine.

______

Cheerful Comment

Hope nothing but records will be broken at Los Angeles.

If you haven’t your speech well in hand try two hands on it.

The new Gretna Green isn’t letting any grass grow under its feet.

Probably that 6-year old egg discovered in Milford had no difficulty in proving itself.

That man charged with the theft of 43,200 shoe laces had altogether too many strings to his shoe.

Pray be calm; the recall of the Spanish minister to Washington is not to be followed by a declaration of war.

“William Dubers” of Montreal is a woman who has passed for a man for over 35 years, working as a deck hand. Still they say a woman can’t keep a secret!

Mr. Cherry Kearton, the famous English bird and animal photographer, says that Col. Roosevelt is in real danger in the land of rhino and sitatunga. Cherry may know the dangers of Africa, but he doesn’t know our man behind the gun, evidently.

Four revenue cutters have been sent out to look for the steam lighter Columbia, which left New York Dec. 24 last year. As the Columbia belongs to a private company, we shall expect to see a protest from the House committee on expenditures, a la John Jacob Aster.

______

The Difference

He caught a very little cold,

     It was the grip, he’d tell;

But when he caught the grip he thought

     He’d got a grip on – something awful!

______

Also Ran

(Contributed.)

A skipper of Nantucket

     Went forth to seek the whale;

He cruised about for three long years,

     Saw neither fin nor tail.

“I didn’t git no ile,” said he,

     “But had a fust rate sail!”

                                       J. A. T.

______

Climbing the Ladder

“Young man, I am proud to say that I began at the very foot of the ladder,” said the merchant, throwing out his chest.

“Dat’s right, sir,” said the blunt applicant, “an’ I’ve heard me father say as how your father paid all your automobile an’ other bills while you was climbin’ the ladder.”

______

Times Have Changed

“Man wants but little here below,”

     Philosophers agree;

But a little, I say,

As things go today,

     Means quite a lot, you see.

____________

Jan. 13, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Perfect Man

In all this mighty human span

Where will you find the perfect man?

The man whom you would trust with all

Your loved, hard-earned collateral?

The man you’ve learned to love so well

You love him more than tongue can tell?

The man who leads the ideal van,

Where will you find this perfect man?

Shake not your head, we do insist

This perfect man does now exist.

You’ll find him near, you’ll find him far,

Wherever human beings are.

And point him out to you we can,

This really ideal, perfect man.

You meet him every day, alas,

When you consult the looking glass!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Ef people on’y knew one another they might like one another a hull lot better, or not ha’f so well.”

______

Those Wright Boys

The Wright brothers, Orville and Wilbur, are in town, stopping at the Touraine. They will be watched closely, and if they are seen stealing from the hotel at night, with mysterious bundles under their arms, we may take it for granted they are here to ascend into the frosty ether to try to catch Tillinghast with the goods. Everybody look up!

______

Musings of the Office Boy

De boss says bus/ness is pickin’ up; it’s mine.

Good service brings its own reward – if you go after it.

Where a few are gathered together there’s nothin’ doin’ in the work line.

I thought the sign, “This is Our Busy Day” was meant for callers, till de boss called my attention to it forcibly.

______

Cheerful Comment

Perhaps Paladino could raise the “Yankee.”

Lots of good heat goes up in smoke.

To be a high-flyer now in Los Angeles one must fly higher.

A $5000,000 fish wharf looks like some good Fridays.

Chattanooga, Tenn., now has an airship on its eyebrow.

Judge Landis goes the limit in fines, from $29,000,000 to 1 cent.

It would be interesting to know just how many are working up a barefoot dance sensation.

When cotton drops $3.50 per bale it can’t be said to be “all wool and a yard wide” for somebody.

Pittsburg anglers ought to know that it takes a most brilliant bait to catch the human goldfish.

A Washington street man remarked that it was fine sleighing out in the country, speaking particularly of Cambridge.

Girls, if you don’t get your annual valentine it will probably be because the fire in the Worcester valentine factory got it.

______

Helping Pa Out

Suitor – If your parents are willing we should marry, why do you wish to elope?

Maiden – Well, you see, Charles, pa has just invented an automobile attachment which he calls the “elopement preventer,” and wants to try it in real life, and, if it works all right, he’ll get a fortune for his patent.

______

Heard at the Poultry Show

First Hen – Why does a cat cross the street?

Second Hen – To play “puss in the corner” on the “milky way.”

(Chorus: “Ca-daw-cut! Ca-daw-cut!!”)

____________

Jan. 14, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Uncle Ezra Says:

“A man shouldn’t be sech a cheerful giver thet he’ll put himself in the hands uv a ready receiver.”

______

His Trade Mark Gone

A Russian emigrant woman who landed in New York a few days ago refused to acknowledge her supposed husband because during his four years residence in this country he had parted with his luxuriant growth of whiskers. If she continues to hold fast to her present belief, that the man who met her is an imposter, she will be deported and the disappointed, smooth-faced husband will avoid everything in the semblance of a razor and let his old likeness crop out again. Most women would admire the change, but this poor peasant woman is unused to such barefaced frivolities.

______

Cheerful Comment

The Young Men’s Courage Association!

Paladino would make a great airship ballast.

Anyway, it will be a beardless administration.

Isn’t there a parasite somewhere to cope with the eloping bug?

The bricklayers have $325,000, and not a dollar of it in gold bricks, either.

One reason for the increased cost of living is because most people are bound to live costlier.

A $75,000 Common pavilion? A pavilion costing that amount would be exceedingly uncommon.

Wouldn’t it be awful if the girls’ strike in New York should put an end to the never-fit, button-in-the-back shirtwaist?

______

Many Misfits

The ones who wait for dead men’s shoes

     (They say the number is not small)

Find, by and by, when such men die,

     They cannot fill the shoes at all!

______

Musings of the Office Boy

A girl can’t do much typewritin’ and fasten barrettes all the time.

How can a feller stand up fer his rights when he’s been convinced he ain’t got any?

The boss told me to let his half-burnt cigars alone. It was a wild waste of words.

I heard the stenog’ say that the difference between a box o’ chocolates and a bunch o’ violets is that one appeals to the taste and the other to the eye, but both could be enjoyed at the same time.

______

Brand New Fruit

Winsted, Ct., has a new apple known to fancy fruit raisers in that section as the “Hen” apple. Perhaps “hen fruit” would be a better name, but since eggs have been known more or less by that appellation for a long time, it became necessary that another name be found for the discovery, even though it proved less appropriate.  It seems that a Winsted farmer missed one of his prized hens, supposing she had been stolen. A month or so later, while passing an old apple tree, he heard suspicious “peepings” over his head, and looking up to where a decayed limb had fallen off, he beheld biddy’s head protruding from the hollow trunk, and further investigation disclosed a brood of husky apples, or rather chicks, performing stunts upon the old hen’s back. The farmer doesn’t wish to be known as a chicken fancier, nor yet a grafter, but considers he has a graft in the future of this hen and her chicks. He concludes that his hen is half bird, and that apples, or rather eggs, from the apple tree in question will be eagerly sought by fanciers who wish to cross the two kinds of “hen fruit” and thus elevate the horticultural and chicken business to a high standard.

______

Polite by Instinct

A little boy living not more than a half-hour’s journey from Beacon Hill was saying his prayers a few nights since. He began: “Please, God, bless mamma and grandma – you know the ladies always come first.”

______

The Bee-Line

Why doth the little busy bee

     Improve each shining hour

By gathering honey all the day

     From ev’ry opening flower?

Why does he? Well, he doesn’t, see?

     He’s busy days like these

At keeping warm by stealing heat

     From all the other bees.

____________

Jan. 15, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Which Firm Are You In?

Do you belong to “Grin & Bearit,”

     The firm that is sure to rise?

Or are you concerned with “Flunk and Tumble,”

     The one that so quickly dies?

The tough old firm of “Grin and Bearit”

     Is built of the real old stuff;

But the weaker firm of “Flunk and Tumble”

     Goes out with a simple puff.

“Grin and Bearit” are wisely founded,

     Keen-eyed with the strength of youth;

Built on the rock of honor; their slogan

     Is determination and truth.

Get out of the firm of “Flunk and Tumble,”

     It savors of dire distress;

Get into the firm of “Grin and Bearit,”

     And grow to a great success.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Bargain hunters seem bound to git a bag full uv game regardless uv how much ammernition they use.”

______

Pavement Philosophy

Of slang making there is no end.

If you are in bad, make a good get out.

Practice what you preach or change preachers.

Violets under the snow are much less expensive.

Some political figures are merely figures of speech.

The man who tries to paint the town red has nothing great or new in a color scheme.

The only occasion some men realize their true size is when they get close to a giant.

Some don’t realize there’s no place like home till they get locked out everywhere else.

Perhaps it is the fear that the good really do die young that so many people persist in being bad.

Sowing wild oats would be a little more excusable if the average young man wouldn’t leave it for his father to do the weeding out.

The only thing in the thought that “every day will be Sunday by and by” that appeals to some men is the possibility that there will be a chance for a good, long sleep.

______

The Coasters

(Contributed.)

In the frosty moonlight

     (Shins by fireside toasting)

See I lively young Olympians

     Hilariously coasting!

That’s imp Hercules, Homeric

     Hound, I know him;

He’s no Yankeelander,

     But the god of ancient poem.

Yonder flashes handsome Paris,

     (Helen snug beside him)

Challenging the lads of Troy

     For a wagon to outride him.

All the youth of song and story,

     Rosy and mirth-frantic,

See I coasting in their glory –

     In my dream romantic.

Pleased am I to feign romance

     In this land prosaic;

Weaving all these flying shadows

     Into dreams mosaic.

                             H. A. KENDALL.

Somerville.

______

The Financial Sieve

I do not like to break a bill,

     O, truth so truly spoken!

It is so short a time until

     I find that I am broken.

______

The Serpent’s Tongue

He (sighing) – Only the good die young.

She – You’re the healthiest looking specimen I’ve seen since that physical culture professor lectured here.

____________

The Social Question

(Prof. F. G. Peabody in “The Approach to the Social Question.”)

There are many social problems, but one social question. There are many diversities of operations, but one spirit. There are many social forces, but there is one social energy. The last word of social science – as of the natural world – the confession of the unity of the world. Here is the rational ground of courage in social action. Any stroke of service dealt at any point may have its effect in forms of social action which appear completely detached or remote. Disconnected and apparently fruitless efforts for social amelioration find their justification the conservation of social energy.

____________

Jan. 16, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

A Call to the Wild

I know the boys are fishin’

     On “Lizzard Crick” today;

It makes me fall to wishin’

     That I was fur away,

Away from town an’ hurry

     Where people are so thick;

Away from work an’ worry,

     A-fishin’ on the “Crick”.

I know the fish are bitin’

     On “Lizzard Crick” today;

The weather is invitin’,

     The hills are soft an’ gray.

The air has got a feelin’

     That pick’rel fishers know,

An’ through my soul comes stealin’

     A hankerin’ to go.

The camp-fire’s bright an’ snappy

     Upon ol’ “Lizzard’s” shore;

The boys are warm an’ happy

     While spinnin’ yarns galore.

It makes me fall to wishin’

     My work was on the shelf,

An’ I could steal off fishin’,

     An’ spin a yarn myself!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Lots uv these ‘pay as they go’ people are most allus found to home, ‘ceptin’ when the walkin’ is good.”

______

Transportation Provided For

“Every little helps,” said the absent-minded genius. “Even if the employees of the Boston Elevated didn’t get but 60 cents a week raise, it would just about pay their car fares from day to day.”

______

Shoo, Shoo, Raymond!

If the barefoot craze should spread beyond the stage in the same proportion that it has behind the footlights, the shoe factories throughout the country would have to be converted into places for the manufacture of peek-a-boo Greek costumes, and the shoemakers would have to peg away at something less profitable. Here’s hoping the everyday world won’t “Duncanize.”

______

Cheerful Comment

Provisions are still aviating.

Did you listen to your “Cousin Caruse”?

Plenty of good material for the January thaw.

Also an abundance of inspiration for “beautiful snow” poets.

The Wright brothers don’t believe in going up in the air over trifles.

Sweets to the suite “higher up” in the big sugar trust block.

When private secretaries lose faith, whoever shall have any? Poor Lonsdale!

Mr. Graynor shouldn’t be allowed to wander around promiscuously without a chaperon.

“What’s the use?” asks the weather man. “in giving the people a good, respectable snowstorm when they go and shovel it all away?”

If the stories concerning artist Christy and his models are true he can hardly be said to be a model artist.

A good way to make farming pay would be to mortgage the old place and buy some International Harvester stock.

The cause of the falling of the ceiling at the Brighton telephone exchange has been discovered. It did not result, as was generally supposed, from the explosion of a disgruntled subscriber, but from the explosion of a boiler the day before in the same building. But perhaps the boiler couldn’t get a good connection!

______

Musings of the Office Boy

All work and no play makes Jack a poor boy.

A cheerful “good mornin’” makes a more cheerful all day.

De boss says talk is cheap, an’ that whistlin’ is worth about half as much.

If you stay too long in one place you either own it or else de firm owns you.

______

Where Is He?

(Contributed.)

“Oh, the snow, the beautiful snow!”

It’s coming and going we all do know.

But where, O where. did the poet go?

If he where sweet flowers do ever grow?

Or is he in Dante’s vast below

Flicking off flakes of a fiery snow?

Or is he where Afric sand-storms blow,

For the nerve he had, and the sand to show,

When he sang to us all, “O, beautiful snow”?

    Melrose.                               T. F.

____________

Jan. 17, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Snow Man

You’ve seen the snow man in the yard?

     How stiff and white he stands!

He is a monstrous, lifeless hulk,

     Built up with childish hands.

He serves a purpose, in a way,

     And yet how short his life;

He either melts some later day,

     Or tumbles in the strife.

Don’t be a snow man in the yard,

     A useless hunk of white;

Don’t be so full of nothingness

     You can’t put up a fight.

Don’t be a front yard ornament,

     Though pleasing to the eye;

The snow man melts and runs away,

     And leaves no memory!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Health experts tell us what to eat, but they don’t tell us how to git it.”

______

Grateful to Fashion

Table etiquette says we must spoon our soups with a motion towards the opposite side of the plate from where we sit. It is most fortunate that fashion doesn’t decree we shall sip our soup from the opposite side of our spoon.

______

Moving with Caution

Employer – You have an excellent chance to grow up with the business, young man, and make something of yourself; it’s all up to you.

Boy – I’d like de job all right, mister, but if you don’t mind, I’d just as lief stay at de bottom. You see, sir, O’m just a little leery about bein’ one o’ dem fellers “higher up.”

______

Food for the Nerves

______

Some think that excitement is pleasure,

     A fact that we all should deplore;

Like the drug of the East, if we’d corral a feast,

     We have to take more and more.

______

Cheerful Comment

Tidal waves are anything but tied.

One-handed drivers are in great demand in the suburbs.

Mayor Howard of Salem knocked, but they were not opened unto him.

We doubt very much that the new African explorer will allow any of the “rose garland” business.

In springtime the average boy beside the fishing pool has the hookworm as well as the angleworm.

A dispatch says it cost a Pawtucket man $435 to see New York. He must have seen just the ordinary places.

Whether a hug and a kiss are worth $25, as paid by a Winchendon man recently, depends upon the size of one’s income, as well as on the quality of the girl.

______

Duly Warned

“He certainly has the touch of the old poets.”

“In that case I shall always manage not to have any available change with me.”

______

Something for You to Try

There are people who call when you are ill,

     With wonderful things that cure;

If you have an ache or serious break,

     They’ve a remedy quick and sure.

You have a good doctor? O, yes, they know,

     But doctors sometimes let you die;

They know of a cure that is harmless and sure,

     And urge you so strongly to try.

Perchance you are broken in cash instead –

     You’re well, but financially ill,

You have fought and bled till you haven’t a red,

     And know not that ever you will!

Do they question your doctor’s ability?

     Do they fear he will let you die?

Do they come with a cure that is harmless and sure?

     Have they something for you to try?

______

Dumpson Speaks Again

“The face reflects the character within.” said the cheerful philosopher.

“And, in the face of it all, the women continue to wear heavier veils and more of them,” declared the cynic, looking out upon the crowded thoroughfare.

______

A Yellow Feeling

First chauffeur – What was the matter with your boss this morning – sort of car sick?

Second chauffeur – I think the doctor called it something like automobillious.

______

As He Saw It

“Well, I don’t know; the critics say she has danced her way into fame on her merits alone.”

“I don’t understand it, since her merits are so infernally slim.”

____________

Jan. 18, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

A Little More

A little more work,

     A little more mon’;

A little less time,

     A little less fun.

A little more work,

     A little more wealth;

A little less sleep,

     A little less health.

A little more work,

     A little more gain;

A little less sense,

     A little more pain.

A little more work,

     A little more save;

A little break-up,

     A little big grave.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Eternal vigilance is the price uv havin’ so much money thet ev’rybuddy in the world knows about it.”

______

Society Note

One-half the world finds out how the other half lives as soon as the other half starts divorce proceedings.

______

Cheerful Comment

Anyway, the slush helps out conversation.

“H-a-rr-i-g-a-n,” that’s Ed., has the g-r-i-p-p-e.

To whom will Uncle Joe rise and say: “My seat, please?”

The “Enterprise” has gone the way of many large enterprises.

No one is particularly envious of the “Christy girl” nowadays.

Probably a large percentage of the Clevelandites who have foresworn meat keep hens, or else their neighbors do.

Richard Harding Davis, the novelist, is now a sheriff in Westchester county, New York. Even at that he can’t force anybody to read his books.

______

Something New in Hospitals

Portsmouth, N. H., is soon to start a hospital for the cure of the blues. It is a great and noble movement, and worthy of imitation in every city and town in the world. Methods of treatment are lacking at this early stage of the game, but one naturally can light upon a few of the features that doubtless will be employed by the management. In all probability the country will be scoured for doctors who have considerable ability as humorists. Attendants will be people who are passé as theatrical comedians or newspaper funny men. All publications, except those humorously inclined, will be barred, no doubt. Laughing gas will probably be used exclusively for both cooking and illumination. Straw undervests, for the purpose of tickling the ribs of the inmates, will be worn largely, and blue as a color will predominate, so that it will have a counter effect on the sufferers. Vaudeville performances consisting of all-humorous acts, will be a feature afternoons and evenings. Any act committed by a guest of the institution, whether it be pleasing to the management or not, will be given the “ha-ha!” and “smiles” will be forthcoming whenever they are properly ordered. Then, as a resort for wifie, who is having a blue evening in waiting for hubby to come home from the club, we can see great possibilities in such a proposition. Speed the blue hospital!

______

A Keen Look Ahead

Hank Stubbs – Goin’ to raise that calf o’ your’n, or put it into veal?

Bige Miller – Ain’t decided till I know whether them Cleveland folks are goin’ to give up eatin’ meat or not.

______

Love

(Contributed.)

You ask what is love?

     This much I know well:

It sometimes means heaven,

     But oftener – Well,

Look up a short word

     That ends, double “ll,”

Commencing with “h,”

     And rhyming with “well.”

And when you have found one

     I’d like much to know,

If it really means “love,”

     Or otherwise “woe!”

Lynn.                         ELEANOR L.

______

Scientific and Literary Light

Miss Frills – My dear professor, I don’t like to acknowledge my ignorance, but will you please tell me if Halley’s comet is named after the Hallie of “Listen to the Mocking Bird” fame?

Prof. Flite – My dear young lady, if I am not much mistaken the comet  is named for Miss Erminie Rives, who wrote that charming novel, “The Furnace of Heaven.”

______

“Can’t You See I’m Lonely?”

It’s good for man to be alone,

     No matter what they say;

If he is sitting on a throne,

     Or turning new-mown hay.

It’s good for man to be alone,

     A truth known to a few;

It’s necessary, as is known

     By all who’ve work to do.

____________

Jan. 19, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Grocery Store Farming

“I’ve tried to make my ol’ farm pay

     For all of 30 years or more,

An’ I ain’t wuth ten cents today,”
Said Enoch Dodge, in Stokes’ store.

“As fur as I kin see I’m jest

     About where I begun, no more;

An’ I hev done my level best,”

     Said Enoch Dodge, in Stokes’ store.

Ame Green was allus sour as swill,

     But allus tried to hit the nail;

He hoped to speak the truth, but still,

     Sometimes, somehow, he seemed to fail.

He said to Enoch, “Don’t alarm

     Yourself ,an’ go to feelin’ sore;

Wust place I know to run a farm

     Is settin’ round a grocery store.”

“That so?” Says Enoch, bristlin’ mad,

     “I hadn’t thought uv that before”;

An’ ev’ry idle setter had

     A waitin’ grin, in Stokes’ store.

“I’ve often wondered what it was

     Made your’n look sol gol-darned poor!”

An’ Ame was drowned by guffaws

     That raised the roof in Stokes’ store.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“The man who is tryin’ with all his might to look into the future is jest a-hurtin’ his eyesight fur the present.”

______

Literary Note

“Ye gods!” raved the poet, “if one writes lines that will live one will die one’self!” and he rushed down to the business section with an acrostic on soap.

______

A Mark of Distinction

“Why do doctors wear Van Dyke beards?”

“So they won’t be mistaken for bankers with side-whiskers.”

______

At Odds

“Did you say that Lofer is out of a job?”

“No; I said he is out with his job.”

______

You Needn’t Answer

Haven’t you ever noticed,

     You fellows on the seek,

That strong drink, if you take it,

     Just makes a fellow weak?

______

Cheerful Comment

Spring poems will soon show their heads.

Why didn’t Tillinghast fly from Worcester to Beverly and back?

Miss Marjorie Gould is a true niece of her good old Uncle Sam.

Dr. Cook is in so many places just now it is difficult to find him at home in any one of them.

Lots of people who are to stop eating meat doubtless will choose something more expensive.

Future generations will delight in recounting how a deer broke the bank of Ware.

Maud Allen says she will never dance “Salome” in this country unless it’s by special request. Here’s one!

Sometimes the difference between two candidates is shown by the fact that one is feted while the other is defeated. (!!)

Oftentimes when people tell you they have had a “corking” time, they should put on the “un” attachment.

______

Fine Material Everywhere

“O, John, the baby dropped my toothbrush out of the window this morning, and by and by the janitor brought it up to me.”

“How remarkable! What an excellent plot for a musical comedy!”

______

Musings of the Office Boy

Love at first sight orter take another look.

Bus’ness is bus’ness all right, only it always depends on whose ‘tis.

You can size up the girls in any office by which page of the newspaper they read.

The boss says a stitch in time saves nine, but he lost the sense of it when I told him my alarm closk lost a half hour this mornin’.

______

Cold-Hearted

(Contributed.)

All winter, in his fine Russian sleigh,

He had taken her sleighing each deigh;

       In the spring he proposed,

       But the season had closed –

She was frigid and sent him away.

                                   H. E. F.

____________

Jan. 20, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Pearyitis

We’ll have the Peary mittens now,

     And have the Peary hat;

We’ll have the Peary pantaloons,

     And Peary this and that.

We’ll have the Peary underwear,

     The Peary sock and tie;

We’ll have the Peary cigarettes,

     We’ll have the Peary pie.

We’ll have the Peary form of speech,

     We’ll have the Peary walk;

We’ll have the Peary picture show,

     We’ll have the Peary talk.

We’ll have the Peary breakfast food,

     The Peary soup and hash;

But one thing, Peary, we can’t get,

     And that’s the Peary cash!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“An ol’ saw goes all right in public, but not so well in wood.”

______

Magic Bread Yeast

Recently a New Jersey woman made a batch of bread and put it on the table to rise. It rose beyond all expectations, upsetting a lamp which fell upon a dog, setting the dog afire, which in turn fired the house cat, both taking refuge on the kitchen sofa and setting that afire. It can easily be seen that this particular kind of skyrocket yeast is not a success in bread raising, but there are many other things for which it might serve an excellent purpose. A workman’s weekly envelope might accomplish something for which he has long been looking for. Aviators might find it a help if used with discretion on their gas tanks. A pinch of it dropped into the courage department of a man suffering with toothache might help him on the way to the dentist. Then there’s the mortgage on the farm, the man who is trying to buy his way into society, the little twinkling soubrette who is trying to rise to the brilliancy of a great star, and – O, well, what’s the use, there are a hundred and one things for which so powerful a raiser could be used.

______

Cheerful Comment

Cleveland thinks it is meet to meat not.

Ever notice how the street car heaters “speak out” on a warm day?

Are the Americans at Los Angeles going to let Paulhan swoop all the honors?

Statistics show that an unusually large winter divorce crop is being harvested.

Many a man can go “180 minutes between drinks” if the drink is long enough.

Henry Clews, the banker, says that high prices will soon mend. That is a good Clew, Henry.

State Inspector Reichman of New York says that that city has an annual shortage in milk aggregating 14,000,000 quarts. And that town almost surrounded by water!

At last the uplift idea has penetrated the burglar field. Some crooks, after partaking a wine-flavored repast, visited the laundry on the floor below and swapped their old linen for new, leaving their soiled cuffs, collars, etc., for next Monday’s wash.

______

From Stogieland

“Have a cigar, old man?”

“Ah! A new arrival over at your house?”

“Yes; an uncle of mine blew in from Pittsburg last evening.”

______

Doesn’t Want to Be a Mark

“Once I thought I would learn to be a chauffeur.”

“Yes?”

“But now I have changed my mind; I wouldn’t want people pointing at me as I whizzed by, saying: ‘There goes an heiress chaser!’”

______

Help from the Outside

“Was it hard for you to quit smoking?”

“no, not when my wife once made up her mind to do it.”

____________

Jan. 21, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

A Beef-Eater’s Nightmare

They say the cost of living

     Is soaring to the sky;

That by and by the people

     To live will have to die.

The milkmen say the reason

     That milk is higher now

Is – well, to put it plainly,

     They blame the poor old cow!

The eggmen say the biddies

     Are loafing on the job;

And so they feel that really

     They’re justified to rob.

The meatmen they are silent,

     Like ev’ry “trust”-ed crook;

But if they blame the cattle

     They’re going to get the hook!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“The chief reason thet some folks don’t hatch out a big scheme is becuz they set on it too long.”

______

Not Wasted

“Now that she’s to be married, what good is all her education going to do her? She has studied hard for years and can speak five languages.”

“O, that part of it is all right; she’ll make splendid use of it. She’s going to be married in English, travel in French, honeymoon in German, receive in Spanish and live in Lynn.”

______

Cheerful Comment

Generally a recount is of no account.

Roosevelt for speaker? Well, he can talk a little.

Johnson is also a good fighter with his feet.

Even Paladino is trying to work the barefoot racket.

Perhaps the beef trust will soon have something to chew over.

What did the aviation meet in Los Angeles accomplish toward the uplift of humanity in general?

So the demands of the employees of the N. H., N. H. & H., the B. & A, and the B. & M. got railroaded!

Wouldn’t it be great if it could always happen that the man who spent the least would pull the largest vote?

If we stop eating meat, vegetables will soar; and when we quit vegetables, fish will jump; and then – well, perhaps meat will drop by that time.

______

Musings of the Office Boy

It makes a diffrunce who says, “O, you kid!”

Sometimes the advice, “Cheer up,” is a soft way of sayin’ “Shut up.”

When a man asts you to keep tabs on somebody, ask him who he’s got keepin’ tabs on you.

It’s tough to have the boss smoke cigarettes all day, then you get blamed for it when you get home because your clothes smell.

______

“Wooding-up” Days

Dear Father Jocosity: Your speaking recently of “sawing wood for a living” brought some painful recollections, with the following result:

A SONG OF REDEMPTION

(Contributed.)

There’s a great, big woodpile waitin’

     Just outside the kitchen door,

For my muscle and the buck-saw,

     But it needs must wait some more.

For I’m sittin’ by the fireplace,

     While outside the snow-drifts pile,

And I’m readin’ the newspaper

     While a broad and happy smile

Stretches out my care-seamed visage –

     Let the woodpile wait awhile!

Fifty year I’ve been a-choppin’

     And a-sawin’ of them logs;

Fifty year my back’s been bendin’

     Till it’s humped up like a frog’s.

Oh, how sweet to sit an’ listen

     To the crackle and the roar,

While the woodpile keeps a-waitin’

     Just outside the kitchen door,

And the firelight sheds its beauty

     On the clean-swept oaken floor.

Oh, the dear old blessed woodpile,

     Boyhood’s bane and manhood’s snare!

If it were not for its presence

     Life would never have a care.

But I’ve got the old thing conquered,

     Just for this one happy hour.

Pile the sticks and watch their flaming,

     Pile them high and send a shower

Of their glowin’ stars to heaven,

     Hip-hurrah! ‘Tis pleasure’s hour!

                                  JOE SETON.

____________

Jan. 22, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Love and Science

“Love makes the world go round,” they said;

     For years I thought ‘twere so;

That notion staid within my head

     Till very short ago.

Alas! The dreams of youth – they fade

     And shortly are no more;

One cannot keep the rosy shade

     He knew in days of yore.

“Love makes the world go round?” Alack!

     I can’t believe it now;

You see I’m on another tack –

     Shades on young cupid’s brow!

And science is to blame, I’m bound,

     My argument is that

Love cannot make the world go round,

     Because the thing is flat!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Ef some young men would put ez much energy into the rest uv the farm work ez they put into sowin’ wild oats, they’d discover a good deal more money in farmin’.”

______

Mixing the Colors

“To what does she owe her great popularity?”

“To a quarter of a million.”

“Great heavens! Does she use that horrid stuff?”

“What horrid stuff do you mean?”

“Why – er – paint; didn’t you say a quart of vermillion?”

______

Pavement Philosophy

Most men’s Waterloo contains no water.

If you’ve money to burn, you’d best put it into coal.

If unhappy married couples could have just remained engaged!

Money doesn’t bring happiness; it just brings more money.

Even the roads to success get blocked with traffic occasionally.

Blessed are they who expect little, and get half what they expect.

Some fellows’ run of luck is always in the opposite direction.

“Doubt” is the station at which the train of thought stops oftenest.

It may sound funny, but the fellow who feels over-smart hasn’t any feelings worth feeling.

Some young men, when trying to carve their fortunes, make the mistake of using a glass bottle instead of a jack-knife.

A false-haired woman is not necessarily a false-hearted woman; but men have their peculiarities just the same.

______

Two Quatrains

(Contributed.)

RETICENCE

Though innocent your every thought,

     Something silent be your habit;

The thing one knows not one cannot

     Blame it first and after blab it.

WAIFS AND STRAYS

Pale, haggard, maudlin, weak and vile,

     “Tis life-in-death is reeling by;

Past the redemption of a smile,

     Beyond the rescue of a sigh.

     Somerville.                    H. A. K.

______

Calling on the Gettheres

“Good evening, Johnnie; where’s your mother?”

“She’s gone off to a ‘Votes for Women’ meeting.”

“Where’s your father?”

“O, he’s taking lessons in a night cooking school.”

“Where’s your sister?”

“She’s off on a long cross-country run with a snowshoe club.”

“Where’s your brother?”

“O, he’s off with the ‘Sons of Rest’ bowling team.”

“Who’s looking out for you?”

“O, I am all right. I’m taking a course in a correspondence school on ‘How to Entertain One’s Self Though Alone in a Big City.’”

______

Bohemia

I’d rather keep out of Bohemia

     Than any land I know.

Not the Bohemia O’Reilly meant,

     So many years ago;

The up-to-date Bohemia,

     Just down a darkened street,

Where fellows good and fellows bad

     Are nightly wont to meet.

                           – Judge’s Library

If you not like Bohemia,

     As your sad lines imply,

There surely is a reason, sir,

     Most easy to espy.

‘Tis not, I ween, because you think

     The place is too un-nice;

I reckon it is just because

     You haven’t got the price!

______

No Deposits

“Do you think there’s money in hens?”

“well, if there is they keep it well secured.”

______

A Shining Light

“What if Halley’s comet should hit us?

“Halley would be a more famous man around here than Jack Johnson.”

______

Pet Aversion

O, winter drear, I like you not;

For me you do not hit the spot.

Nor do your antics win my pelf;

I wish you would go chase yourself!

                                       – T. E. M.

O, bard, with you we all agree

That winter’s not what he should be;

He’s not that kind of chaser, see!

He’s always chasing you and me!

____________

Jan. 23, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Nothing to Wear

I love a pretty dancing maid,

     No human soul could loathe her;

And though my pay is very small,

     I can afford to clothe her.

I haven’t asked her yet to wed,

     But will soon as I can, sir;

I know t –hat I can keep her shod –

     She is a barefoot dancer.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Don’t look a gift hoss in the mouth, but try him on a piece uv restaurant pie.”

______

The Weather

One hundred years ago today a resident of this city slipped on the ice and bumped himself half way between his home and the office. His injuries were so painful that he asked his clerk to sit in the main office chair for a few days so it wouldn’t feel neglected. He sued the city for damages, and got them higher up this time, to wit: Between the lower part of his rear and the beginning of his shoulder.

If a man with nine children can save a block of houses in 33 years, how long would it take a single fire engine to do it?

Northern New England will be colder today than southern Georgia. Keep your overcoat on unless your uncle calls and you need the money.

Boston and vicinity will have the usual seven varieties, unless the weather man’s wife desires to go shopping. Officially: (See the front page).

______

In the Ranks

Man wants but little here below

     To fill his happy cup;

It is so risky, don’t you know,

     To be one “higher up.”

______

Musings of the Office Boy

When I don’t git cut down, I consider it as good as a raise.

There’s many things said to a stenog’ that she doesn’t take down on paper.

Money makes the mare go, but it don’t seem to have the same effect on the typewriter.

I notice where there’s a whole lot of milk and honey, there’s also a little hook and a little sting.

______

Francis Bacon’s Birthday*

(Contributed.)

O, greatest genius of the past!

     Whose birth we celebrate;

Thy astral shadow on us cast,

     And let it plainly state

In answer to our question asked,

     By raps for yes of no;

That settle it may be at last

     For mortals here below.

Were Shakespeare’s dramas by your hand?

     Are you their author true?

Make plain, that we may understand

     If all were done by you.

Each year this controversy’s fanned

     By some alleged “new find”;

Relieve, we pray, a suff’ring land,

     And put it out of mind.

     *Jan. 22, 1626

Dorchester.                         H. E. F.

______

On the Road

The changing sporting seasons.

     A little difference bring –

Last summer ‘twas the diamond,

     And now it is the ring.

                     – Kansas City Times.

Young love its little quarrels has,

     Its passing grief;

But not upon such subjects as

     The price of beef.

                          – Pittsburg Post.

They say ‘tis far more blessed

     To give than to receive;

And that it’s more expensive

     I have reason to believe.

                          – Chicago News.

Depends on what you’re giving,

     That is our strong belief;

Whether a house in Gotham,

     Or just a cut of beef.

______

The Query Box

My Dear Jocosity: Will you please tell me if “Gungawamp” is the name of a real place, and how it is pronounced? – Constant Reader.

Your question is one of a great many which have been put to Father Jocosity since the advent of this column, and he will now undertake to answer them collectively. You should have included “Lizzard Crick” in your inquiry, for one is a part of the other. “Gungawamp” and “Lizzard Crick” go hand in hand. The Crick is a necessary adjunct to the town just as soon as the cider plays out. The town is necessary to the Crick whenever anybody falls overboard, because, you see, there would be no place to crawl out.

In the first place, “Gungawamp” is an Indian word, and has a most peculiar origin. Years and years ago, long before you were born, “Constant Reader,” if you are a woman, a half-starved Indian struggled into a lonely farmhouse in a remote section of New England. The family were at supper. It was before the days of the lamplight dinner. The head of the family said to the Indian: “Where from?” The Indian replied, in guttural tones, something like this: “Gun-gee-wump!  Gun-gee-wump!” The good wife was just that moment passing a plate of gingerbread to one of the children. The brave, seeing the plate, leaped across the kitchen and seizing two or three pieces, practically swallowed them whole, grunting as he did so, “Heap good Gun-gee-wump, heap good gung-gee-wump!” Thus, you see, the Indian name “Gungawamp” means gingerbread, and ever afterward that particular section inhabited by the Indian was known as “Gungawamp.”

Your Father Jocosity’s favorite food is gingerbread, which fact he lays to being a descendant of the “Gungawamp” Indians. The town has changed little in all these years, excepting that the full word has been conveniently shortened to “Gungy.” There are many Indians to be found lurking about the sequestered places during the summer months, but they are not natives – they come from the cities.

____________

Jan. 24, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

On the Wings of Love

“Will you come aviate with me?”

     The eager young man cried;

“I’ll be right glad to go, I ween,

If you can drive your big machine

     With one hand,” she replied.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“The feller who hez a good settin’ down job is allus ready to stand up for it.”

______

The Weather

One hundred years ago today a cow was wending her way carefully along the banks of the Charles river, looking in vain for a munch of new grass. Suddenly she missed her footing and slid into the water. A policeman, who was trying to beat the city out of a few hours’ time by leaving his own and loafing along the river bank, rescued the unfortunate animal and was on the point of arresting her for bathing without trunks, when he was in turn arrested and fined two days’ pay for gathering cow-slips out of season. Time waits for no man, but sometimes it is held up by the auctioneer.

Lower temperature usually follows an arrival home at 2 A. M. If one and one makes two, how is it we have to pay 11 cents for an article marked down from 12?

Boston and vicinity: Today will be like many other days of the same kind. Keep tabs on your umbrella; you may not need it, but someone else may not be of the same mind. High water is the wrong time of tide at the bar.

Officially: Take your cue from the man “higher up,” but be careful what you do with it.

______

Keep Moving

I wouldn’t wait for dead men’s shoes,

     As some folks are inclined;

Because I should be much afraid

     Of corns upon my mind.

______

Musings of the Office Boy

If chewin’ gum interferes with conversation, cut the talk.

When someone wrote, “Ev’rything comes to him who waits,” he made a mistake in the sex.

Whether “ev’ry knock is a boost” or not depends where it comes from and where it goes.

When one party wants the winder up and the other wants it down, it’s dangerous for a third party to have an opinion.

______

Cheerful Comment

What if President Taft should become a barefoot dancer?

Japan opposes Knox’s Manchurian plan, and forthwith knocks it out.

Is it to be a try-out between the Innes and the Halley comets?

The middle man may be getting it now, but the ultimate consumer has been getting it for a long time.

If it costs $103,250 to run for mayor would it be less expensive to drop down to a walk?

Col. W. J. Bryan is reported as having arrived at Lime, Peru. Inasmuch as the colonel is something of a farmer, doubtless he will provide himself a good supply of seed beans.

______

She Herself Said It

“Mary MacLane of Butte, Montana, has been heard of again. They say she is going to marry.”

“The ‘Devil,’ you say?”

______

The Query Box

Dear Jocosity: You have so serious and sensible a way of answering questions, perhaps you can tell me why it is so hard to keep a good cook? If you can do this you will be doing a great good – the world will excuse you for trying to write humor.

– POLLY PAYNE.

Dear Polly Payne: Your knocks at my earnest endeavors almost give me one. Why couldn’t you have asked your question without referring to a subject most painful to me? I can almost detect malice between your lines. Have you tried to write humor for some mother’s magazine and failed to get a look-in, or didn’t you get that pony coat you had your heart set on? In all seriousness, Polly Payne, I am not to blame because your husband doesn’t get a raise, or because you can’t keep a good cook. A seltzer in the morning is an excellent thing before writing a letter.

     The more I study your billet-doux the more I feel its force. It reminds me of Watson Williams; stinging poem, “The Serpent with the Woman’s Tongue,” and if I were to bet on the reason why your good cooks separate themselves from their positions, that would be the answer. I know of many excellent ways to keep a good cook, but on second thought have decided to keep them. There may be millions in the idea for me as soon as there’s a drop in the price of beef. It would seem unkind, perhaps, not to give you one method. A friend of mine solved the problem to his own satisfaction not long ago – he married the lady.

______

Weary with Listening

Uncle – Shall I tell you a fairy story, Johnnie?

Johnnie – Nope, I guess not; pa tells ma so many that they’ve got to be a household pest.

______

An International Joke

A young English girl, who recently visited Boston, sent the following to friends here on her return home:

“If strict ideas ever come,

     A Boston lady had ‘em;

She did not say ‘Chrysanthemum’;

     She said ‘Chrysanthemadam.’”

____________

Jan. 25, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Maud Muller’s Hey-Day

Maud Muller, in the far away,

      Was busy raking meadow hay,

She had no time for social din,

     Because the hay had to go in.

Her father had no boys to call,

     So Maudie had to do it all.

She raked it early, raked it late,

     And had no time to make a date.

The village boys came now and then,  

     And saw the rake then left again.

Alas! For Maud, she saved the hay,

But lost a husband every day.

Maud Muller’s not the same today,

She doesn’t go out raking hay;

She sits upon the porch so cool,

When she has left the boarding school,

And nails the judge, when he is spied,

To take her for an auto ride.

Her father has no hay to rake,

They’re living on ice cream and cake;

They do not have to rake, they say,

Because an auto eats no hay.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Ain’t it becuz ‘it takes a rogue to ketch a rogue’ that so many rogues go unketched?”

______

Musings of the Office Boy

The word “peach” don’t necessarily signify fruit.

“Easy come and easy go” sometimes has to do with people.

If there’s always plenty of room at the top w’y don’t them who git there stay longer?

I notice some of the new leaves that was turned over here in January are already goin’ up in smoke.

______

Financial Problem

If it cost a New York banker $28,000 to be polite, what would it have cost him if he had not been on his best behavior?

______

Dental Tete-a-Tetes

A few days ago I dropped into a so-called dental parlor. Most places of torture are now called parlors, even to the barberries. Mine was not to be a social call, merely to while away a few idle moments, but was a business call, purely and simply. I had been receiving the call to go for several days, and at last I could thrust it aside no longer; I had a genuine case of old-fashioned toothache. It is a pity there is not a more aesthetic name for toothache, it would help some, but there isn’t, so we have to get along as best we can with the commonplace and inharmonious term.

I had a third degree grip on my left jaw as I entered the slaughter – I mean dental parlor. I wouldn’t open my mouth for fear I would take more pain in, so I pointed. “Let me see it,” said the dentist, who is never afraid to look someone else’s pain square in the eye. “Don’t you want it filled?” he asked, casting a glittering look at his steam drill. “Filled?” I groaned, “no, I want it emptied; it’s so full now I can’t stand it.” “Will you take something?” queried the dentist, in a most natural tone of voice. “No, no!” I almost screamed, “I want you to take it!” He stopped and looked at me. “I never use it,” he replied, quietly.

I straightened up. “Say,” I asked, tartly, “are you a dentist or a kidder? Do you want to extract this tooth, or don’t you? You don’t have to, you know.” “All right,” he replied, “here are the tools; do it yourself.” All this time I was getting hotter under the celluloid, and, strange to say, the pain was letting go. “Say,” I snapped, sarcastically, “are you running a business for fun, or what are you doing?” “Well,” he drawled, “I get more fun out of it than anything else. My greatest pleasure in life is in yanking people all round this room.”

“Well, confound you, you can’t yank me round this room!” I cried, jumping from the chair. I was so worked up that the pain had entirely disappeared, and seizing my hat I made for the door. “I’m much obliged to you for the treatment,” said I. “You’re welcome,” he replied. “When you get ready to have it filled call round. I would rather give you $2 than pull that tooth, anyway. Good day!”

I don’t know how long the treatment will last, but the next time the tooth aches I’m going to try the getting mad process, if I can find anybody to take the opposition.

______

A Busy Woman

“Have you ever wondered about your husband’s past?”

“Dear me, no; I have all I can do in taking care of his present and worrying about his future.”

______

Boycott and Girlcott

Speaking of the threat of New York restaurant managers to employ no pretty waitresses, the Gotham sports, who, it is said, are at the bottom of the difficulty, say that if pretty girls are not employed in the hotels and restaurants they will stop eating.

____________

Jan. 26, ‘1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Don’t Worry

If little things are vexing you,

As down life’s journey you pursue,

                 Don’t worry;

Don’t be down-hearted, blue or glum,

Just take your trials as they come –

E’en then you’ll find you’re taking some,

                 Don’t worry.

Don’t hunt for trouble, high nor low,

‘Twill follow you where’er you go,

                 Don’t worry.

If you take simply what’s your due,

And let the rest go up the flue,

You’ll have enough to worry you,

                 Don’t worry.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“The last shall be fust, when the autymobile turns end for end.”

______

The Query Box

Should society demand that a man earning $12 per week have his hair cut as often as one earning $50? – Steady Reader.

Certainly society isn’t to blame because a man earns only $12. Society has enough responsibilities without that, and society is justified in demanding that haircuts come early and often. Society should also determine how hair should be cut, as well as what kind of hair gasolene should be rubbed in. Society would be doing a good job if it would recommend that the gasoline be shut off.

______

Cheerful Comment

The big beefers are getting a sound hooking.

Virginia may bar football and take up duelling.

Crossing the Charles is safe – via the new dam route.

Remembering J. M. Barrie, Richard Harding Davis and W. J. Locke, is it safe to be a novelist?

The St. Louis rabbi who rapped euchre will now lose his job. The good man should have rapped the table instead.

There are people who are unsportsmanlike enough to believe that Jeff and Jack would welcome the appearance of anything to keep them apart.

That Chicago man who, while intoxicated, wed his former wife, and then dashed madly from the scene when he sobered up and saw what he’d done, ought to swear off before he does something really serious.

______

What’s Yours?

“Queer thing about these heavenly visitors.”

“What is that?”

“When they appear they are comets, and when they disappear they are goits.”

______

A Small Cut

Molly – Did Kitty lunch with you today?

Cholly – Say, b’ Jove, do you know, she is so true to her boycott principles that she refuses to ‘meet’ me!

______

Youth and Old Age

According to the papers, A Connecticut man married a girl of 14 years and, after living with her a short time, deserted her and eloped with a woman of 82, with whom he was found living in a town not many miles distant. This man when found should have been punished severely on two counts – first, for kidnapping, and secondly, for imposing on the aged and infirm.

______

This Slow Age

Architect Perkins of the Chicago board of education says that 50 years from now there will be no schools in that city. He declares that schools will be 50 miles out, and that children will be shot to and fro in pneumatic tubes. Wouldn’t it be a treat if we gray-tops could visit some hustling city like Chicago, say 50 or 75 years hence? The probabilities are, however, we would be in the way and get killed, or else laughed at on account of our antiquity. It is fine to think, though, that our children and grandchildren are going to be “speeded up,” as they call it nowadays.

We owe apologies to our offspring for the examples of slowness that we set before them. Poor little things! Life hangs so heavily on their hands. They should, indeed, be shot to school and back. They shouldn’t walk, and come in contact with the fresh air and the sun. Schools should be provided with lightning-like elevators so they won’t have the exercise of going up and downstairs. Education should be shoveled into an immense machine of the concrete-mixer type, then pumped into their frail bodies by power. If one bursts occasionally, no matter; there are plenty more to take its place. The high speed must be maintained regardless of results.

If only some way could be found whereby the little things could be fed with more dispatch; with one stroke of the piston, so to speak, then they would have more time for study. More time for cramming their little aching heads with the things that puzzle the old philosophers. More time to get into this Gatling gun-like, wireless, automatic existence that we are placing before them. Time was when we taught the young ideas how to shoot; now we aim to shoot the young ideas through pneumatic tubes, and give ‘em such broadsides of learning that a Webster or a Johnson would seem like a sawdust doll in comparison.

____________

Jan. 27, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Poet’s Mite

I can’t lead armies in the fray,

Or win rich honors at the play;

I can’t paint pictures that will bring

A passing look from serf or king.

I cannot touch the mystic keys

That music-hungry hearts appease.

O, ‘tis so little I can do

To thrill the Pilgrim passing through!

Life is so short, and time so long,

And ways so loud, lost is one’s song.

But if my modest pencil can

Bring but a smile to the face of man,

Or bring a tremor of good cheer

I shan’t regret my journey here.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Men kin do all kinds uv good in the world until they begin tryin’ to do each other.”

______

Musings of the Office Boy

There are many girls asleep at the switch.

A smile in the office has no connection with the smile outside.

The worst thing about sit’n’ down is that most beginners seem froze to their chairs.

If I was a-goin’ to dictate to the stenog’ it would be in a diffrunt tone of voice from what the boss uses.

______

Our Old Friend

“Does he go out between every act?

“No; just merely comes in between every drink.”

______

Ahoy!

“I never go to see a play that’s got a chorus unless I can sit in the front row.”

“Why is that, near-sighted?”

“No; far-sighted.”

______

Wanted!

Some new and sane expressions to take the places of the following:

“You’re quite a stranger.”

“How’s the world using you?”

“Drop in and see me.”

“How are they coming?”

“It’s all in a lifetime.”

“Money makes the mare go.”

“This is a queer world.”

“Cheer up!”

“Aren’t you getting stout?”

“The more the merrier.”

“Such is life.”

“So long.”

“Rotten!”

The above constitute 50 per cent. of the “passing conversation,” and do more to furnish a waiting list for Danvers and other mental repair shops than the combined efforts of boiler shops, street cars and steam whistles. A fortune awaits anyone who can make an entire change, or even a noticeable revision.

______

More Poetry Than Truth

Now, let our hopes anew be fired,

     The frugal mind this comfort gleans;

No wicked trust has yet conspired

     To raise the cost of pork and beans.

            – Washington Evening Star.

This epigram is neatly turned;

     It fits meter tight as glue;

Its form is perfect, I’ll be derned,

     It’s fault is that it isn’t true.

                      – Kansas City Times.

And if the dealers should conspire

     To boost the choicest mixture known;

Old Boston Common we will hire

     And root it up and raise our own.

____________

Jan. 28, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Lines to Thee

(Found on the Office Boy’s Desk)

If I could write good poetree

I’d write some, O, stenog’, to thee!

I’d write three sonnets, roundelays,

And thy bright eyes I’d greatly praise.

I’d write about thy golden hair,

Which is enough and some to spare;

Whether ‘tis all thine own or nay

Is not my bus’ness anyway.

Suffice to say it pleaseth me,

And looks right well, stenog’, on thee!

I’d hand thee this verse if I durst,

But fear by thee I might be curst;

So I will leave it lying where

Thy lovely eyes, so bright and fair,

May spot it, as it were, by chance,

While rubbering with thy sharp glance,

As thou sometimes are apt to beo

When no one’s around excepting thee.

O, fair stenog’, would thou wert mine,

And I was no one’s else but thine!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“A good many folks who are wrapped in their own thoughts hev mighty thin coverin’.”

______

Cheerful Comment

Burbank’s “Thornless Cactus Food” sharpens the appetite.

Apparently barefoot dancing is getting along towards its last kick.

Spring may be in the air, but it’s necessary to have some in your feet.

Meat has dropped four cents, but the public are listening for a drop they can hear distinctly.

Wouldn’t it be great, counting twenty-five million dollars, “one for you and one for me?”

Perhaps the two “J’s” will be interested to know that Carrie Nation has buried the hatchet, and taken to fisti-smashing.

What a fortunate thing for future generations, that explorers of poles, mountains, etc., who leave their records behind them also leave the poles, mountains, etc., behind them.

______

Get in a good frame of mind by reading “The Confessions of a Humorist” beginning next Monday morning.

______

The Weather

One hundred and one years ago today a man wearing a silk hat was strolling along an un-bricked sidewalk in Cambridge. A light snow had fallen the night before, and was of an ideal dampness for snowballing. A boy who was standing on a nearby corner had waited nearly an hour for a golden opportunity. He was a determined boy; he knew that his chance would come if he waited long enough. The silk hat was his opportunity. It was the shining mark at which he’d been aiming all the morning. As it passed he drew back and let go. “Bink!” The snowball struck the gentleman at the back of the neck, just below the hat brim. The boy had missed his aim. He had fallen short by an inch or two! “My son,” said the man, kindly, you should aim a little higher. Don’t be discouraged, but always try to aim a little higher; keep trying and you will be a great man some day.”

It is the same all through life. If you will keep trying to run a little faster and a little further each day you will be able to catch a street car when the motor-chauffeur tries not to see you. Practice makes perfect; it is no sign that if we fail to make fools of ourselves the first time, we won’t succeed the second or third.

Boston and vicinity: It is hard to tell what the weather is going to be until it gets settled down for a long run. Weather of the one night stand variety fools the best of us. It’s a long road that has no billboard sign announcing a new breakfast food.

Officially: Some stout people are dropping beef in two ways.

______

Dissatisfied

(Contributed.)

I’d like to have an aeroplane

     And through the Azure sail;

I’m tired of the old style train,

     Give me the monorail

With gyroscope to keep it straight,

     Of which so much they talk;

If I can’t travel up to date,

     Then I prefer to walk.

I wish I had a wireless ‘phone,

     A long-felt want ‘twould fill;

I would not then be always prone

     To operators’ will.

I want to buy some trustless meat,

     The price too much I give;

Meanwhile I s’pose that I must eat,

     For I prefer to live.

     Dorchester.                 H. E. F.

____________

Jan. 29, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Lines that Failed

“Why don’t you write some touching verse?”

     My boss once said to me;

“Don’t always aim for mirth, but write

     Some touching verse,” quoth he.

And so I took my pen in hand,

     And scratched my waning hair,

And tried to write some touching verse,

     Till I was in despair.

I sat and burned the midnight oil,

     The long hours came and went;

At length I got the verse in shape,

     And this is what I sent:

“Dear sir: My needs are many fold,

     A friend in need is meet;

Could you please loan me twenty-five

     Till I get on my feet?”

Alas! It never saw the light,

     He later wrote me thus:

“Your verse have failed to ‘touch’ me, sir –

     Indeed, it’s humorous!”

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Some men would hev more chance uv standin’ on their merits ef they’d quit settin’ on their jobs.”

______

The Confessions of a Humorist

(A Near-Autobiography.)

I.

If a man is strictly on his job he won’t leave his entire history in the hands of a biographer. The biographer has everything his own way. He can say whatever he pleases, or leave unsaid whatever he pleases, knowing he has his victim at a disadvantage. A biographer could even be one’s former enemy, and in that case where would a fellow, departed, stand in the eyes of his countrymen when the biographer had performed his merciless song and dance?

The only safe way, then, is for one to write his own biography, and when he does that it becomes, of course, an autobiography. There is a distinct advantage in this, too, because nobody can take exceptions to what the autobiographer says of himself until after it is printed, and by that time it usually isn’t worth while.

The writer of this near-biography, now written for the first time, which will rapidly evolve into “The Confessions of a Humorist,” was born on a farm situated between two other farms, in the year of our Lord eighteen hundred and something. The advent of the birth of this near-humorist was not attended by any notable demonstration on the part of the town’s people; it was a very quiet affair, except on the part of the humorist himself. He immediately demanded that the family purchase an extra bossie to help feed his tremendous thirst for humor. In other words, he hollered lustily that his hollow might be filled. The naming of the little bump of humor was, perhaps, the most noteworthy feature of the catastrophe, and maybe worthy of mention.

The father, who worked in a distant part of the town, heard of the new arrival before his own. A neighbor accosted him with: “New boy over to your house!” “What are you giving us?” queried the father. “I ain’t giving you anything,” replied the neighbor; “it’s the Lord’s doings, I s’pose. I repeat, there’s a new boy over to your house; my wife’s just been over and she ought to know.” “It’s a joke!” cried the astonished father; “I don’t believe it, it must be a joke!”

“It may be a joke,” said the neighbor, consolingly, “but if it is it’s on you, all right; it ain’t on me.” And ever after that was the humorist called a joke, or something to that effect.

(To be continued.)

______

A Beef Poem; Very Raw

Eat

Meat?

Nit.

Quit.

______

N       n N        k

I know a poet-humorist

     Who borders on despair;

He’s scratched so hard to raise a joke

     He’s lost his shock of hair!

______

At the Play

In every well-run theatre

     There ought to be, I ween,

A side-show for the fellows who

     Go out the acts between.

And then when they don’t like the play

     They’d have a place to go,

And it would give the ones who stay

     A good deal better show.

______

Musings of the Office Boy

Violets fade, but typewriters go on forever.

It’s hard to make both ends meet when they are a long ways apart.

It’s no easy matter to tell where a position begins and a job leaves off.

Judgin’ from what I see round dis office, fallin’ in love is like enterin’ secunt childhood, or mebbie third.

______

These Little Changes

“You used to be such an optimist      ”

“And you used to get along with four rooms, and scorned the idea of a cook, and wore your own hair, and said you preferred a horse to an auto, and      ” but she had slammed the door and was on her way across the street to her mother’s.

______

Not Scared, Anyway

She – Do you think there are microbes in kisses?

He – I wouldn’t know one if I tasted – I mean if I saw it.

____________

Jan. 31, 1910