Plays - Fanny, Be My Wife!

 

Joe Cone

    Saybrook,

            Conn.

 

 

“Fanny, Be My Wife!”

A Farce Comedy In One Act

 

By Joe Cone

 

 

Characters

James Gordon,         an heir

Jonas Gordon,        his uncle

Mrs. Thurlow,        sister to Jonas

Fanny Jones,          maid in waiting

 

 Time:                 the present

 Costumes:             Modern

 Time of Playing:       35 minutes.

 

 

“FANNY, BE MY WIFE!”

By Joe Cone

(Author of The Waybackers, One Hundred Dollars Reward, Etc.)

 

 

Scene: Sitting at Mrs. Thurlow’s shore cottage.

 

(James discovered reading paper in easy chair.)

 

James. (throwing down paper) Hang the newspapers, anyway! A fellow’s no business to be reading such stuff on his vacation. Vacations are for rest, and a fellow gets about everything except that when he’s summering with friends. Here I’ve been at Aunt Kate’s nearly two weeks and haven’t had an idle moment yet. Fishing, boating, clamming, driving, tennis, golf, running errands and devouring the news of the day just as much as though I were back on Fourth Ave. And Aunt Kate’s maid! What a pair of eyes! And what dainty feet and hands! I believe she’s responsible for half of my uneasiness. (stretches.) O, for a far-off, quiet spot where I could loaf, loaf, loaf and invite my soul! (tapping outside.) Come in!

(Enter Fanny, in maid’s costume, bringing open letter.)

Fanny. A letter, sir, which your Aunt wishes you to read at once.

James. Wait, there may be an answer. (reads aside.) “My dear sister: I am coming east at once, and expect to be with you on Saturday at three o’clock, stopping off between trains on my way to Boston. On my return from there I will make you a longer visit. Have learned since leaving Montana that James is with you for his summer outing. I suppose his bride is with him. You know I gave the young rascal just one year in which to marry my old friend Jones’s daughter and settle down. Not having heard anything to the contrary, I take it for granted he has done so, although he should have kept me posted, the young blackguard! If not married when I arrive then his shares in the 'Pride of the Valley’ mine will be so small you couldn’t find them with an X-ray. I hope he likes work better than he used to. Your affectionate brother, Jonas Gordon.” (James gives long whistle.)

James. Fanny, where is my Aunt?

Fanny. She’s gone to the station, sir.

James. Gone to the station?

Fanny. Yes sir, to meet her brother.

James. (excited.) Great Caesar! I never thought the old jay half meant what he said. What shall I do? I can’t let all that go by! But I don’t know his old friend’s daughter – never took the trouble to look her up. Probably she’s as homely as a scarecrow! However, something’s got to be done. (moves about room.) He’s rich, and just about as set as he is rich. I could never get on the right side of him again. (Looks at watch.) It’s nearly three now. I have it. By heavens, it’s worth trying! (faces Fanny.) Fanny, be my wife!

Fanny. Sir!

James. Just for a little while, I –

Fanny. (indignantly.) Sir, what do you mean?

James. Why – er – you see, I’ve got to have a wife for – er – a few hours or lose the best part of a good fortune. Just a make-believe wife, you know. My uncle is coming here – expects I’m married – casts me off if I’m not. I’ve got to fool him, see? It’s dead easy. I’ll pay you well. Secret marriage, you know, and all that sort of stuff. Say you will, Fanny! Give me your hand on it. (compels her to take his hand.) There. that’s the girl. You’re true blue. Gee whizz! The carriage is coming now! Run! Take off that maid’s rig and, mind you, when you come in here again you are Mrs. James Gordon, once Fanny Jones, see? Do you understand me? Mrs. James Gordon! Don’t fail me. Now (pushing her out.) run and get fixed up. Put on the best you’ve got. Hurry! (Exit R.) Now if Aunt Kate doesn’t spoil it all. That isn’t Aunts carriage, it’s a livery team. Good! She’s missed him, and he’s coming up alone. Now, old boy, steady yourself. O, for a cigarette! (pulls out box.) No, Uncle Jonas detests them; it won’t do. “Bull-Dog Twist” is more in his line. I must strive to please Uncle Jonas. Now if Fanny is true blue I’ll soon have a pocket stuffed with “Pride of the Valley” shares, and then it’s easy street for me! Gee, I’ll make Fanny a nice present for this. She isn’t a half-bad girl, anyway. he’s got the girls around here lapped half the course, if she is only a maid. If she were only the real Fanny Jones I wouldn’t mind the deal a little bit. She’s pretty enough to be anybody’s wife. Ah, the victim approaches!

Enter Jonas Gordon, breezy, western mine owner, with grip and heavy cane. L.

James. Ah, Uncle Jonas, a most happy surprise!

Jonas. Put it there, James, put it there. Yes, I thought I’d give you a little stampede. Didn’t expect to gather here quite so soon, but had a sudden call to Boston and thought I’d drop round and see Kate and you and – and (looks enquiringly.)

James. And Mrs. Gordon, eh? Well, Uncle Jonas, she’s worth looking at, I assure you. She was here a moment ago. But didn’t you see Aunt Kate? She went to the station to meet you.

Jonas. See her? No. Fact is I didn’t look round any. There was so many buzz wagons and summer girls and popcorn orators round the station I couldn’t see anybody. I hurried right along ‘cause I’ve got to get the next train for Boston, though I’ll be back in a day or two and make you twice glad. Then I’ll probably be round to see you over to the old place.

James. O, I – er – I’m not living there now, Uncle Jonas, I’m – well, you see, I’m working in New York.

Jonas. I see; keeping house in New York, are you? That’s good, my boy. I knew you’d get round into gear after awhile. Needed a little persuasion, eh? (poking him and laughing.)

James. Sit down. Uncle you must be tired after your long trip. Aunt Kate should be here soon.

Jonas. Yes, I’m dying to see her. But your wife, James, I want to see her, too. I want to ask her some questions about her father, my old friend. We were chums in the old days, and then we went into business together. Then I got the western fever and dug out. I kept track of him for a while, but you know how it is when miles and years divide us. Letters grew fewer and finally ceased altogether. But I promised him I would look after his girl in the event of his death. This I sort of left with your Aunt and yourself, James, and I see that you have done up your part of the contract royally. Her name is Fanny, I believe. Well, I would like to ask her a few questions concerning her father’s property.

James. (aside.) Questions? Ye gods! I can see Fanny’s finish. Yes, Uncle Jonas, I did the best I could. I – I always do, under the circumstances, you know.

Jonas. Quite right, quite right, my boy. But your wife, James, where is she? You know my time is limited.

James. O, yes; I almost forgot her. You see it’s all so new.

Jonas. Humph! The more reason you should remember her, young man.

James. I suppose so, Uncle Jonas. (going to R.) Fanny! I say, Fanny dear! (voice outside: “I’m coming!”) She’s an awfully quiet girl, Uncle; says very little she’s so modest, you know. Of course on longer acquaintance she thaws out considerably. There are times when even I can hardly get a word out of her.

Jonas. A very good quality, James. Her father was a modest man. That’s why he never got along any better in business. One can’t be too modest in business, especially in the mining business. If we did most of us would be minus.

Enter Fanny, R., in outing costume.

James. Fanny, this is Uncle Jonas, an old friend of your father.

Jonas. (rising and stepping forward.) Glad to see you my dear, glad to see you. Why, I haven’t seen you since you were a little teeny-weeny girl, so high, when they killed Indians in the center of Chicago. (holding her off with both hands.) Yes, you do look like Seymour Jones, I’ll be hanged if you don’t. Come and kiss the best old pal your father ever had! (James looks disgusted, but envious.) Yes, I can see a family resemblance. I’m so sorry I didn’t look you up before. On my word, I believe you’re too good for that young rascal there! I should have been here to protect you from his winning ways. (places arm around her and leads her to seat on sofa.) Tell me, dear, was your father comfortable in his last days? (James sits opposite, looking daggers.)

Fanny. Yes sir; I think so, sir.

Jonas. What was the immediate cause of his death? I never heard.

Fanny. Of – er – (appealing look toward James.)

James. Complications, Uncle Jonas. Serious complications.

Jonas. Indeed! Did he leave much?

Fanny. No – o, sir, not very much. Fanny.

James. He left Fanny, Uncle, and she’s a good deal.

Jonas. You are right, my boy. (giving her a squeeze.) How long have you two youngsters been married, anyhow?

Fanny. Ever since – ever since –

James. Ever since – was it June or was it February? Really (laughing.) time has slipped by so quickly, and we’ve been so happy, and o very busy that it seems like yesterday, doesn’t it, Fanny? And I’ve been so over burdened with work that I haven’t had time to write you, Uncle Jonas, telling you all about it. O, these are busy days with us!

Jonas. I’d noticed it. Er – say, Fanny, have you sold your old home, or do you still hold it?

Fanny. Why, I –

James. Well, it’s as good as sold. You see –

Jonas. Here, here, give Fanny a chance, James. I want to hear her talk, not you!

James. Aren’t you hungry, Uncle?

Jonas. Not a bit of it. Why, man, out west we go a week sometimes without eating. But about the house, Fanny.

Fanny. Well, you see, I – we couldn’t live in Chicago and work in New York, and – that is, Aunt Kate was living in New York, and –

Jonas. (patting her hands.) Yes, yes, of course, you poor little dear. Well, I didn’t know as this young scamp would hunt you up and marry you he was such an unreliable young coyote in his younger days. But I am called a pretty good persuader in a tight pinch, eh James? (winking at his nephew.) And I was bound to see this thing come out right. It was your father’s wishes, as well as mine.

James. Ah, Uncle Jonas, once I saw Fanny I needed no persuasion, I assure you.

Jonas. Well, my experience with young rascals nowadays is that you never do what we want you to do. (rising.) However, as this has ended so happily for all concerned I want to bestow my rough old blessings on you both, after which, if you will show me to my room so I can remove a little of the railroad’s rolling stock from my hands, I will then carry out my part of the contract.

Fanny. This way, Uncle. I will show you to the room Aunt Kate calls yours. (both exit, Jonas first.)

James. (aside.) Hurry back, Fanny, I must have a talk with you; I simply must, alone! (walks, excitedly.) Gee whiz! What a situation! If Uncle Jonas discovers me now it’s all up. He’s a Tartar. That girl is a peach, though. I hadn’t thought so much about it before. She’s a corking little actress, too. O, she’s on all right! She’s refined and educated. Anybody could see that. Gee! I’d rather have her than all his “Pride of the Valley” stock. Though, of course, that would help some. If she would only say “yes”, and mean it I’d marry her in a minute. She’s coming! I’ll take a chance on it!

Enter Fanny, R. James advances to meet her.

Fanny. Mr. Gordon, I –

James. O, Fanny. I’m so glad you’re here alone. Do you know, I really mean what I asked you a few moments ago? (takes both hands.)

Fanny. Mean what?

James. That I want you for my wife.

Fanny. (starts back.) O, you – you can’t mean that!

James. But I do. Honest, I have just woke up to the fact that I love you, and want you for my wife, in real earnest.

Fanny. But I am only a maid.

James. Maid be hanged! You’re a lady.

Fanny. What would your Aunt say?

James. She wouldn’t know it until after the deal.

Fanny. The what?

James. The deal; transfer of the stock, you know.

Fanny. (awakening, but with feeling.) O, this is deceit, Mr. Gordon! I cannot go on with it. Your Uncle is a good man, and here I am in league with you to deceive him so you can get his money from him. If you would deceive him you would also deceive me. No, I will not go on with it. I didn’t realize what I was doing. You do not love me, you are merely using me for a tool! You –

James. But I do really love you, Fanny. I don’t care a hang about the old “Pride of the Valley” stock! I would rather –

Enter Jonas, hurriedly.

Jonas. Course you don’t, James, course you don’t. You love your little wife more than all the mining stock in the world, and that’s quite right and proper. I’m glad to hear you ay that, because I have made out these shares to your wife, to whom I now present them. (hands Fanny large white envelope.)

Fann.y. O, I – I can’t take them sir, I really can’t.

Jonas. Tut, tut! Don’t say another word about it. What’s yours is his, and what’s his is yours, so it is all the same in Dutch, you see. You can take better care of them than he can, and that’s why I made them out to you. He always was a little unreliable, you know. No, not another word! I know how you feel, little girl – just like your father. All I ask in return is, keep that scalawag of a husband of yours straight. Now I must jump for my train!

James. But, Uncle Jonas –

Jonas. Some other time; I know you appreciate it, my boy.

James. You don’t know what you’ve done! She –

Jonas. Yes I do. Don’t hinder me now. I’ll be back in a week or so. Sorry to have missed sister Kate. Give her my love. Goodbye! (Exit Jonas, L. James starts after him, but is waved back. Fanny sinks into chair.)

James. (facing Fanny.) Well, a pretty mess I’ve gotten everybody into!  natural born idiot, that’s what I am. But you have nothing to worry about, now, Fanny. You are rich. I congratulate you. Of course, I couldn’t make love to you now. You would say I was after your money, and indeed, it would look that way. But remember, whatever happens to me in the next twenty-four hours, remember, I love you, and you alone. Will you ay “goodbye”, Fanny?

Fanny. (jumping up.) Where are you going?

James. I don’t know; I can’t stay here.

Fanny. If it’s on account of these old mining stocks you may have them. They don’t belong to me, anyway, and I don’t want them. They are nothing but a source of – of trouble. Here, take them and I – I will go away. (hides her face.)

James. You go away? Why should you go away?

Fanny. I don’t wish to – to make it unpleasant for you.

James. Unpleasant for me? (takes her hand.) What do you mean?

Fanny. It is best for you that I go away. Your place is here with your Aunt.

James. No, you mustn’t go away; I would be miserable without you. Can’t you see I love you, Fanny?

Fanny. How about the shares?

James. We’ll tear them up. Will that convince you?

Fanny. I am convinced, now.

James. And you will –

Fanny. Yes, for I – I love you too, James.

James. O, Fanny! (kisses her.)

         Enter Mrs. Thurlow, L.

Mrs. T. James Gordon! Fanny! What does this mean? (Fanny breaks away, picks up a book, but looks intensely happy.)

James. It means, Aunt Kate, that I have discovered that I love Fanny, and have asked her to be my wife.

Mrs. T. You, James Gordon, have asked my maid to be your wife? Why, I –

James. Yes, and why not? She’ as good as any of us – better than I am, and I’m going to marry her.

Mrs. T. James, look me straight in the face. Did the “Pride of the Valley” stock have anything to do with this?

James. It did, at first, Aunt, I will admit. I asked Fanny, hurriedly, to impersonate Mrs. Gordon in order to deceive Uncle Jonas. It was a fool trick, I know. But she’s above deceit, as I soon found out, and I respect her, and I am going to marry her, if she’ll have me. The “Pride of the Valley” stock can go hang!

Mrs. T. And, Fanny, what have you to say?

Fanny. Excuse me, ma’m, but I – I love James, I mean Mr. Gordon.

Mrs. T. Indeed! And how long since?

Fanny. Ever since he took that sliver out of my finger the first morning he came down here. (James pets the finger.)

Mrs. T. Well, I am not so sure of you, James. Why, you don’t even know her last name.

James. I don’t know, or care, Aunt Kate. But I know what it’s going to be.

Mrs. T. (with mock severity.) Well, James, you will have to walk in the path of your own choosing. If it leads you into the shadow you must not blame your poor old Aunt. (pretends tears.)

James. I am not afraid of all the shadows of the universe, with Fanny for my guiding str. Come, cheer up, Auntie, this is no time for gloom.

Mrs. T. Ordinarily, James, I would not be a partner to deceit, but this is an unusual case. Your Uncle had his heart set upon the idea of your marrying the daughter of his old friend and partner Seymour Jones. I have tried to get you interested in her for she is a very sweet and amiable girl, but you have always turned me off.

James. But I want Fanny, I don’t care anything about someone I have never –

Mrs. T. Wait! Knowing your reckless disposition, and, as your Uncle says, natural-born stubbornness, I hunted up a very pretty girl to come here to be my maid, thinking of course the first thing you would do would be to fall head over ears in love with her. It’s quite in keeping with the times, you know!

James. (puzzled.) Well, I have fallen in love with her, Auntie, but I don’t see what this has got to do with the other girl, the Jones girl.

Mrs. T. Only this much, James: My maid is Fanny Jones.

James. (aghast.) Fanny Jones – the – other – girl?

Fanny. Are you sorry, James?

James. Why – er – no, of course not, but I – I can’t realize it. And you knew this all the time, Fanny?

Fanny. Why, of course I knew who I was, James. Wouldn’t it be funny if I didn’t?

James. Now I will have to make love all over again.

Fanny. (laughing.) Now that we are not in any deep-laid scheme perhaps I – I can help you a – a little.

James. If you only would!

Mrs. T. But my brother Jonas. I missed him at the train. I wonder where he can be?

James. He’s been here and gone again. Will be back from Boston in a few days for a long visit.

Mrs. T. Did he mention the shares in the “Pride of the Valley” mine?

James. He thought my wife was the best ever and so made all the shares out in her name.

Mrs. T. And doesn’t he know?

James. No.

Mrs. T. Then you two had better get married just as soon as the law will let you.

James. Good! We will!

Fanny. Wait a moment! Not till justice is done.

James. (alarmed.) What is it, dear?

Fanny. Am I as homely as a scarecrow?

James. Well, HARDLY!!

CURTAIN

 

 

*                *                *                *            *

 

 

Handwritten version:

 

 

“Fanny, Be My Wife!”

A One-Act Farce - Comedy

By Joe Cone

 

Characters.

James Gordon, an heir.

Jonas Gordon, his uncle.

Mrs. Thurlow, aunt to James.

Fannie, maid in waiting

-       x     -

Time: The present.

Costumes: Modern.

Time of playing: 3-5 M.

 

 

 

“Fanny, Be My Wife!”

 

Scene: Sitting at Mrs. Thurlow’s cottage.

 

James, discovered reading paper in easy chair.

 

James. (throwing down paper) Hang the newspapers, anyway! A fellow’s no business to be reading such stuff while on his vacation. Vacations are for rest, and a fellow gets about everything except that. Here I’ve been at Aunt Kate’s nearly two weeks and haven’t had an idle moment yet. Fishing, boating, clamming, driving, tennis, golf, running errands and devouring the news of the day just as much as tho’ I were in harness on Broadway. O, for a far-off, quiet spot where I could loaf, loaf – loaf – (tapping outside.) Come in!

 

 Enter Fanny, in maid’s costume, bringing open letter.

 

Fanny. A letter sir, which your Aunt wishes you to read at once.

James. Thank you. Wait, d – there may be an answer. (reads aside.) “My dear sister. I am coming east and expect to be with you on Saturday at 3 o’clock,. Have learned since starting that James is with you for a two week’s outing. I suppose his bride is with him. You know I gave the young rascal just one year in which to marry my old friend Jones’ daughter and settle down. Not having heard anything to the contrary I take it for granted he has done so, although he should have kept me posted. The year is up today – noon.  If not, then his shares in the “Pride of the Valley” mine will be so small you couldn’t find them with an X-ray. I hope he likes work better than he used to.

Your af-brother, Jonas Gordon.” (Giving a long whistle.) Fanny, where is my Aunt?

Fanny. She’s gone to the station, sir.

James. Gone to the station?

Fanny. Yes sir, to meet her brother.

James. (excited.) Great Caesar! I never thought the old jay half meant it. What shall I do? I don’t know his old friend’s daughter – never took the trouble to look her up. Probably she’s as homely as a scarecrow. Something’s got to be done, however. (moves about room.) He’s rich, and just as set as he is rich. (Looking at watch.) It’s nearly 3 now. By heavens, it’s worth trying. (Facing Fanny.) Fanny, be my wife!

Fanny. (Shrinking) Sir!

James. Just for a little while – I –

Fanny. (indignantly.) Sir, what do you mean?

James. Why – er – You see, I’ve got to have a wife for a – er – day or so, or lose the best part of a good fortune. My uncle – he’s coming here – expects I’m married – casts me off if I’m not. I’ve got to fool him, see? It’s dead easy. I’ll pay you well. Secret marriage you know, back in the school days. Fanny, give me your hand on it. (compels her to take his hand.) There. that’s the girl. Gee whizz! The carriage is coming now! Run! Take off that maid’s rig and – mind you, when you come in here again you are Mrs. James Gordon, once Fanny Jones, see? Do you understand, Mrs. Gordon! Don’t fail me. Now (pushing her out.) run, run and fix up. Put on the best you’ve got. – Hurry! (Exit R.) Now if Aunt Kate doesn’t spoil it all. That isn’t Aunts carriage, it’s a livery team. Good! She’s missed him; he’s coming up alone. Now, old boy, steady yourself. Oh, for a cigarette! (pulls out box.) No, Uncle Jonas detests them. “Bull-Dog-Twist” is more in his line. I must strive to please Uncle Jonas. Now if Fanny is true blue I’ll soon have a pocket stuffed with “Pride of the Valley” shares. Gee! but I’ll make Fanny a nice present for this. She isn’t a half-bad girl anyway. If she were only the real Fanny Jones I wouldn’t mind the deal a little bit. She’s pretty enough to be anybody’s wife. Ah, he’s coming!

 

  Enter Jonas Gordon, L. Western mine owner, with grip-sack and heavy cane. (Breezy.)

 

James. Ah, Uncle Jonas, a most happy surprise!

Jonas. Put it there, James, put it there. Yes, thought I’d give you a little stampede. Didn’t expect to come quite so soon, but I had a sudden call East and thought I’d drop round and see Kate and you and – and –

James. Mrs. Gordon, eh? Well, she’s worth looking at. She was here a moment ago. But didn’t you see Aunt Kate? She went to the station to meet you.

Jonas. See her? No. Fact I didn’t look round any; I hurried right along because I’ve got to get the last train out of here tonight, for Boston, tho’ I’ll be back in a day or two, then I’ll be over to the old place to see you.

James. Oh – I – er – I’m not living there now, uncle, I’m working in New York.

Jonas. I see; keeping house in NewYork are you? That’s good my boy; I knew you’d get into gear after awhile. Needed a little persuasion eh? (poking him and laughing.)

James. Sit down, uncle; You must be tired after your long trip. Aunt should be here soon. You’ll excuse me if I go out and help her to alight.. She’s a little stiff these days; that is, in getting in and out of her wagon carriage.

Jonas. Yes, I’m dying to see her. But your wife, James, I want to see her, too. I want to ask her some questions about her father, my old friend. We were chums, and then we went into business together. After I went west I sort of lost track of him, but promised him I would look after his daughter I sort of left it with you, James, and it seems you have done it up royally, eh?

James. (aside.) Questions? Ye gods! I can see Fanny’s finish. Yes; did the best I could, uncle Jonas. I – I always do under the circumstances, you know.

Jonas. Quite right; quite right, my boy. But your wife, James, where is she?

James. O, yes; I almost forgot her. You see it’s all so new.

Jonas. Humph! The more reason you should remember her, my boy.

James. I suppose so. (going to wings) I say, Fanny! Fanny dear! (voice outside: “I’m coming.”) She’s an awfully quiet girl, uncle; says very little she’s so modest, you know. Of course, on longer acquaintance she thaws out considerably.

Jonas. A very good quality, James. Her father was a modest man. That’s why he never got along any better in business. One can’t be too modest in business, you know.

 

Enter Fanny, R., minus white apron and cap.

 

James. Fanny, this is Uncle Jonas.

Jonas. (rising and stepping forward.) Glad to see you my dear, glad to see you. Haven’t seen you before since you were a little teeny-weeny girl so high. (holding her off with both hands.) Yes, you do look like Seymour Jones. Come and kiss your father’s best friend. (James looks disgusted.) I can see quite a family resemblance. Tell me, was your father comfortable in his last days? (Both sit, close together. James opposite.)

Fanny. Yes sir; I think so, sir.

Jonas. What did he die of, Fanny. I never heard.

Fanny. Of – er – (appealing look toward James.)

James. Complications, Uncle Jonas, complications.

Jonas. Indeed! Did he leave much?

Fanny. No – o, sir, not very much.

James. He left Fanny, Uncle, and she’s a good deal.

Jonas. I should say so boy, I should say so. How long have you two been married, anyhow?

Fanny. Ever since – ever since –

James. Ever since – was it June or February? Really (laughing.) time has slipped by so quickly and we’ve been so happy and so very busy it seems like yesterday, doesn’t it, Fanny? And I’ve even been too busy to write you, Uncle Jonas, telling you about it. These are busy days, I tell you.                                                      

Jonas. I’d noticed that. Er – Fanny, have you sold your old home?

Fanny. Er – er –

James. Y – yes; that is, it’s as good as sold. You see –

Jonas. Here, here, give Fanny a chance, James. I want to talk to her, not you.

Fanny. You – you see, uncle, I couldn’t live there all alone; I had to come to my friends.

Jonas. (patting her folded hands.) Yes, yes, of course, you poor dear. Well, I didn’t know as this young scamp would hunt you up and marry you; he was such a headstrong cub when I went away. But I am called a pretty good persuader, in a tight pinch, eh James? (winking at his nephew.)

James. Ah, uncle, once I saw Fanny I needed no persuasion, I assure you.

Jonas. Well, my experience with you young rascals nowadays is that you never do what we want you to do. (rising.) However, as this has ended so happily I want to place my blessings on you both, after which, if you will show me to my room so I can remove the dust of travel, I will then carry out my part of the contract.

Fanny. This way, Uncle. I will show you to your room. (both exit. R. Jonas first.)

James. (aside.) Hurry back, Fanny, I must have a talk with you. (walks, excitedly.) Gee whiz! What a situation! If Uncle Jonas discovers me now it’s all up. He’s a Tartar. That girl is a peach though. I hadn’t thought so much about it before. She’s a corking little actress, too. She’s on, all right. She’s refined, and educated. Anybody could see that. Gee! I’d rather have her than all his “Pride of the Valley” stock! If she would only say yes, and mean it I’d marry her. She’s coming! I’ll take a chance on it!

 

(Enter Fanny, R. James advances to meet her.)

 

Oh, Fanny. I’m so glad you’re here. Do you know, I –

I really mean what I asked you. (takes both her hands.)

Fanny. Mean what?

James. That I want you for my wife!

Fanny. (starts back.) Oh, you – you can’t mean that!

James. But I do. Honest, I have just woke up to the fact what a jewel you really are!

Fanny. But I am only a maid.

James. Maid be hanged! You’re a lady!

Fanny. What would your Aunt say?

James. She mustn’t know it until after the deal.

Fanny. The what?

James. The deal.

Fanny. (awakening, but with feeling.) O, this is deceit, Mr. Gordon!

I cannot go on with it. Your Uncle is a good man, and I am in league with you to deceive him, so you can get his money from him. If you would deceive him you would deceive me. No, I will not go on with it! You do not really love me, you are using me for a tool! You –

James. But I do really love you, Fanny. I don’t care a hang for his “Pride of the Valley” stock! I –

 

(Enter Jonas.)

 

Jonas. Course you don’t, James, course you don’t. You love your little wife more than all the mining stock in the world. Well, I’m glad to hear you ay that, because I have made out the shares to your wife, to whom I now present them. (Hands Fanny large white envelope.)

Fanny. Oh! I – I can’t take them sir, I – I –

Jonas. Don’t say another word about it. What’s yours is his, and what’s his is yours. You can take better care of them than he can, and that’s why I made them out to you. He always was a little unreliable, you know. No, not another word! I know how you feel, little girl. You’re  just like your father was. All I ask in return is to keep Jamesstraight. Now I must jump for my train!

James. But, Uncle Jonas –

Jonas. Don’t hinder me now. I’ll be back in a week or so. Sorry to have missed sister, but I’ll be back in a few days on my return trip. Give her my love. Goodbye!

 

(Exit Jonas hurriedly. James starts after him, but he waves him back. Fanny sinks into chair.)

 

James. (facing Fanny.) Well, a pretty mess I have got everybody into. A natural born idiot, that’s what I am. But you have nothing to worry about, now, Fanny. You are rich. Of course, I couldn’t make love to you now. You would say I was after your money. But remember, whatever happens to me in the next twenty-four hours, remember I love you, and you alone. Will you ay “goodbye”, Fanny?

Fanny. (jumping up.) Where are you going?

James. I don’t know; I can’t stay here.

Fanny. If it’s on account of these old mining stocks you may have them. They don’t belong to me, and I don’t want them anyway. Here, take them, and – and I will go away. (hides her face.)

James. Why should you go away?

Fanny. I don’t wish to make it unpleasant for you.

James. Unpleasant for me? (takes her hand.) What do you mean?

Fanny. It is best for you that I go away.

James. No, no. I would be miserable without you. Can’t you see I love you, Fanny?

Fanny. How about the shares?

James. We’ll tear them up. Will that convince you?

Fanny. I am convinced, now.

James. And you will –

Fanny. Yes, for I – I love you too.

James. Oh, Fanny! (kisses her.)

 

Enter Mrs. Thurlow.

 

Mrs. T. James Gordon! Fanny! What does this mean? (Fanny breaks away, picks up a book, but looks intensely happy.)

James. It means, aunt, that I have discovered that I love Fanny, and have asked her to be my wife.

Mrs. T. You, James Gordon, have asked my maid to be your wife? Why –

James. Yes, and why not? She’ as good as any of us, better than I am, and I’m going to marry her.

Mrs. T. James, look me straight in the eye. Did the “Pride of the Valley” stock have anything to do with this?

James. It did at first, aunt, I will admit. I asked Fanny, hurriedly to impersonate Mrs. Gordon to deceive uncle. It was a fool trick I know. But she’s above deceit, as I soon found out, and I respect her and love her and I’m going to marry her, if she’ll have me. The “Pride of the Valley” stock can go hang!

Mrs. T. And, Fanny, what have you to say?

Fanny. Excuse me, ma’m, but I – I love James – I mean Mr. Gordon.

Mrs. T. Indeed! And how long since?

Fanny. Ever since he took that sliver out of my finger the first morning he came down here.

Mrs. T. Well, I’m not so sure of you, James. Why, you don’t even know her last name.

James. I don’t know, or care, but I know what it’s going to be.

Mrs. T. (with mock severity.) Well, James, you have chosen your path and you must walk in it. If it leads you into the shadows you must not blame your poor old Aunt. (pretends tears.) Ordinarily I would not be a partner to deceit, but this is an unusual case. Your uncle had his heart set upon the fact that you should marry the daughter of his old friend and partner Seymour, Jones. I have tried to get you interested in her, for she is a very sweet and amiable girl, but you have always turned me off.

James. But I want Fanny, I don’t care anything about –

Mrs. T. Wait! Knowing your reckless disposition and, as your uncle says, natural stubbornness, I hunted up a very pretty girl to come here to be my maid, thinking of course the first thing you would do would be to fall in love with her. It’s quite in keeping with the times, you know!

James. (puzzled.) I have fallen in love with her, auntie, but I don’t see what this has got to do with the other girl – the – the Jones girl.

Mrs. T. Only this much, James, (taking Fanny’s hand and leading her to him) my maid is Fanny Jones.

James. (aghast.) Fanny Jones – the other – girl!

Fanny. Are you sorry, James?

James. Why – er – no, of course not, but I – I can’t realize it. And you knew this all the time, Fanny?

Fanny. Why, of course I knew who I was, James. Wouldn’t it be funny if I didn’t?

James. Now I will have to make love all over again.

Fanny. (laughing.) Now that we are not in any deep-laid scheme perhaps I – I can help you!

Mrs. T. But my brother, Jonas, I missed him at the train. I wonder where he can be?

James. He’s been here and gone again. Will be back from Boston in a few days to make you a visit.

Mrs. T. Did he mention the shares in the “Pride of the Valley” mine?

James. He thought my wife was the best ever and so made all the shares out to her.

Mrs. T. And doesn’t he know?

James. No.

Mrs. T. Then you two had better get married as soon as the law will let you.

James. Good! I’m willing!

Fanny. Wait a moment! Not till justice is done!

James. (alarmed.) What is it, dear?

Fanny. Am I as homely as a scarecrow?

James. Well, Hardly!!

 

                           Curtain.