A
Introduckshun
“immertashun” it iz sed, “iz
the cinceerest ov flattery,” thair4 if i shood C fit 2 emerge sumwhot in2 the
pleezin’stile ov mister ward i hold i wood B grately flatterin’ mister ward,
& knot in the leest abuzin’ him, aw takin’ from him that whitch he hath, aw
that whitch he did hath til he cood hath it kno longer. bi mister ward i mean
arTeemuss ward mi predesesser in komicks & kommerkallerties; him who wars a
displayer ov waxt figgers, lectchewer, A riter ov “goaks”, sarchasms &
witterchasms, and A i no whot knot.
every grate riter haz hiz
moddle, (knot A artis’ moddle if yoo pleeze,) whitch iz necessary & rite.
thair4 I must hav mi moddle, whitch onner haz fel like a mantel shelf on the
shoalderz ov mister ward. mister ward wars A grate riter, A grate thinker &
A grate filloserfire, awlso A grate exhiberter ov waxt figgers. whair4 cood i
git A grater moddle, A grater
master, A grater star on whitch 2 afix mi gase? sum doat on bill sheakspear
& sum on l. jean libbey, but i do’t, & i kno wars mister ward on this
mundane speer 2day he wood with joy in hiz 2 i’s take me bi the hand & say
in that musickel voise ov hizn, “here’s mi hart, mi hand & mi good wil;
foller me mi boy,” & i wood foller. i admire the ritin’s ov jollie old arT
moar & moar, & i kno that mi clostest friends wil B tickled 2 deth 2 no
that mi mantel iz 2 fall on2 hiz shoalderz.
i am abowt 2 enter upon A
Reform Krusade ov A most pronounced patturn. whot iz A Krusade? a Krusade iz A
kruse in aid ov sum staited thing aw objec’. the fires ov Reform hav bin
burnin’ in mi boozum for A long time, & now they hav bust owt. mi sole iz
intoxerkated with the Reform ideer, & i want 2 Reform every blessed thing
aw objeck in every blessed land (aw water), good aw bad; whitch purpuss i
intend 2 eccomplish B4 i end mi grate Kruade. a man.
kruse no. 1. the nearest
thing 2 man iz hiz apparil. nort kan kum betwean the 2. hiz apparel sticketh
closter than A bruther, espeshully when the wether iz hacht. the subjeck ov
wearin’ apparel iz afectin’ many peepul, & haz bin from time immemmoral. jennies
miller haz cort it; doctor marie walker haz cort it, & so haz their
orgeeunces. the up 2 dait bisickle girl & the bathin’ girl iz ketchin’ it;
that iz, A very, very little ov it. but mi Krusade agenst wearin’ apparel
ain’t, az yoo wil suppose, konsarnin’ the stile ov ramunt that he, she or it
shal put on or leve orf. Ney; sutch tork wood B tryin’ 2 take away man’s indy
penduntz, A thing whitch shood B severely let aloan. it ain’t for yoo 2 say nor
for me 2 say with whot cut ov ramunt shal our naber hide hiz altergether. Ney;
mi Kruse iz merely agenst the outrajus ajestmunt ov the price affixed on2
wearin’ apparel. for instuntz: yoo kan kover the upper haf ov yoor body with A
shert for twenty five centz, while it wil kost yoo 2 dollerz for A respectable
hed covering; (2 wit: A hat); while yoo kan kover both fete with A pare ov 15
cent hozery. agen: yoo wil pay fifty centz for A nectie& only 25 for A
gorze undershert. ain’t this outrajus? where iz yoor propershun? if it kosts
fifty centz 2 clothe twelve inches ov A man whot wil it kost 2 clothe 70 2
inchez? hadn’t it ort 2 B at the same propershun per inch? i leve it with this
grate amerryken peepul 2 deside.
yoors
2 wit,
Joe
Cone
Charles Farrar Browne (April 26, 1834 – March 6, 1867) was a United States humor writer, better known under his nom de plume, Artemus Ward. At birth, his
surname was "Brown." He added the "e" after he became
famous.
from:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Laura_Jean_Libbey
Laura Jean Libbey (March 22, 1862 - October
25, 1924), was an American writer.
The highly popular author of fiction, her works were what became
known as dime novels. Today they would be
categorised as formulaic romance novels.
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