JOCOSITIES
____
By JOE CONE
The Friend in Need
When a fellow’s doing fine
Making his finances shine,
Wearing e’er a broad-brim smile,
Underneath a brand new tile,
Dressed in tailor-fitted clothes,
Knocking out his daily woes,
Sailing through this world of ours
On a river strewn with flowers,
Singing songs of careless joy,
‘Tisn’t then he needs you, boy.
When a fellow’s down and out,
Gone up the financial spout,
Trousers baggy at the knee,
Dwelling in his misery,
Sitting on the bench alone,
Through no error of his own,
Hungry for another chance
In the swift commercial dance,
Vision on the mark he missed –
That’s when he needs your fist.
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“Ef it is true that there’s a sucker born ev’ry minute, it is also true that there’s two fishermen born ev’ry minute fur the puppos uv landin’ him.”
______
Dairy Note
If the milk producers open a distributing plant in Boston we hope it won’t be located on Water street.
______
Cheerful Comment
There are a lot of straw hats on tap.
This is certainly an off season for fishing lies.
Your income is safe now from being taxed only in the regular way.
W. J. Bryan is going to Scotland. Didn’t know they had advertised for a President.
They say New York is harboring Dr. Cook. If Doc is living in New York he’s getting punishment enough.
The Hyde Park boys, who have more of sweetheart than of money, say the no-ice-cream-Sunday business is what the doctor ordered.
______
A Gungywamp View
Hank Stubbs – The papers say the comet hez lost its tail.
Bige Miller – The hull durn thing’s stale anyway.
______
On the Hoof
“How’s this for a milk joke? ‘The contractors are trying to skim the producers, but the producers are going to give the contractors the hook.’”
“It’s bully.”
______
Uncle Rastus Says:
“San Francisco will done fink it has sure got another yarthquake w’en dat comet Jeff an’ dat eclipse Johnsing comes tergether, yah!”
______
A Local Change
Beacon – The question, “How old is Ann?” appears to be sidetracked.
Hill – Yes, it is supplanted by “How old is the milk?”
____________
May 21, 1910
JOCOSITIES
____
By JOE CONE
Give Him a Lift
I was trudging one day down a dusty road
While my back was curved under a bit of a load,
And the way was long, and my feet were sore,
And my bones ached under the load I bore;
But I struggled on in the summer’s heat,
Till I came to a pool where I bathed my feet;
Then, resting a bit, I shouldered my load,
And wended my way down the dusty road.
The morning stretched into the afternoon –
My journey’s end seemed as far as the moon;
Till at length a horse and a wagon drew near,
And my heart revived with a spark of cheer.
But the man saw only his own small soul,
And the narrow way to his narrow goal,
And he whipped his horse to a guilty trot,
Though the sand was deep, and the sun was hot,
And he passed me by on the dusty road,
And I sank still lower beneath my load.
Yet out of the dust came another man,
With a grizzled beard and a cheek of tan,
And he pulled up short, and he gaily cried:
“I say there, comrade, get in and ride!”
And he placed my bundle behind the seat,
And he said “Climb in here an’ rest your feet;
I never pass a man on the road,
An’ ‘speshly, friend, if he’s got a load.”
I reached my journey ere came the night,
And my feet were rested, my heart was light;
And I blessed the driver who’d gaily cried:
“I say there, comrade, get in and ride!”
Ah! The world is full of sore-footed men
Who need a slight lift every now and again,
And the angels can see through the white cloud rift
All the God-like souls who give them a lift.
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“Let the boy go in swimmin’; they’s a time comin’ when it will be hard work to git him in.”
______
Kite Note
Aviation in finance is more disastrous to a greater number than the old and new method of flying combined.
______
Pavement Philosophy
Thought is spoiled by speech.
Birds are the only natural singers.
Don’t be a bargain hunter at the human counter.
Be natural, if you are what you ought to be.
Jealousy isn’t green eyed; green is a peaceful color.
The road to success is always undergoing repairs.
A drop in the bucket is enough to make one hanker for more.
The man who’s a hero in his own home must be a perfect wonder abroad.
Some people wait for opportunity to ride up in an automobile and send in an engraved card.
When a man builds a fence around himself, the first thing he knows he’s on the inside with no chance of getting out.
______
That’s Different
“What kind of fellow is Griggs?”
“He’s one of those chaps who can do anything.”
“How delightful!”
“Yes; but he likes to tell of it.”
“Oh!”
______
A Gungy Doubter
Hank Stubbs – The ministers are blamin’ automobiles ‘cuz folks don’t come to church.
Bige Miller – Pshaw! Autymobiles don’t preach, do they?
______
The Freehold
(Contributed.)
What’s the house that bears no rent,
Happy freehold tenement,
Where each lodger is content
To stay there still’
Yet, strange to say, each spendthrift man
Bides away so long as he can.
Although no house’s more open than
Or easy to fill?
It’s in all countries under the sun,
No land but has full many a one;
Show me the country that has none!
It has not stories and not stairs,
Nor is it lengthy, nor lofty, nor greatly wide,
But it’s roomy enough to lodge a man’s pride,
All his glory and shame, with a nook beside
For his sires and his heirs.
Somerville. H. A. KENDALL.
______
A Minor Poet’s Plaint
(Contributed.)
O would I were a poet great
A poet laureate,
And could on vast affairs of state
Undying verse create,
As bard of king and potentate
Their glory celebrate,
And in a lofty style ornate
Could sing of love and hate.
Alas! That it should be my fate
That so far up to date,
The world is pleased to estimate
My poetry second-rate;
Though with the muses intimate
My feet still hesitate,
Till I strike Alfred Austin’s gait
My plodding lyre must wait.
Dorchester. H. E. F.
____________
May 22, ‘10
JOCOSITIES
____
By JOE CONE
Work
The man who has it day by day,
O, how he’d like to steal away
To some far off, half-hid retreat
And rest his aching hands and feet.
Or if he could not go afar
He’d like to put it in a jar
And seal it up, and place it where
It wouldn’t aid his daily care;
He fain would shove it idly by
And guard it with his watchful eye,
For he who has a stack of work
Would much prefer to dream and shirk.
But he who has no work to do,
Who has no stack of work in view,
Ah! He’s the one would like to see
Work piled about promiscuously;
Would like to be surrounded by
Great walls of work both thick and high.
And so it is through life we go,
Our faces harrowed up with woe;
The things we want we cannot get,
The things we have we most regret;
Work makes us weary of the strife,
The lack of it embitters life.
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“The office don’t seek the man nowadays, it’s more apt to try to dodge him.”
______
Collegette Note
“O dear me!” sighed a sweet Wellesley studentess, “if we have to cut out much more here there won’t be anything left for us to do except flirting and a little study.”
______
Comet Comment
(Contributed.)
Halley’s comet on its travels
Now has turned around the sun;
But its brilliant tail unravels
As it makes its homeward run.
Nightly people are assembling,
Skyward gaze to see it sail;
Though some watch with awe and trembling,
Lest it flick them with its tail.
Now they say it’s deviated
From the course professors laid;
Has a tail abbreviated,
May be lost, some are afraid.
Anyway, just keep a-looking,
Nightly scan the western sky;
It will surely keep its booking,
Even if its tail is shy.
Dorchester. H. E. F.
______
Currency Note
(Contributed.)
Secretary MacVeagh is taking steps to better the appearance of our currency. If he’d interest himself about its “dis” appearance he’d come nearer to earning his salary.
______
Cheerful Comment
No, we haven’t seen it yet; has anybody?
The Salmon ought to be quick to live up to its name.
More balloons are being broken of late than records.
Muensterberg a plagiarist? We suspected he was plaguing a few.
Milk is so many parts water, and so many parts germs and a few parts milk.
Gee, but it would take away our appetite to sit down to one of those $300,000,000 dinners!
______
The Cow and the Corset
Our sympathy goes out to Austin S. Young of German Valley, N. J., not only poetically, but as a brother farmer who has just met with the loss of a valuable Holstein cow. Mr. Young and ourselves meet on common ground, either as poetical farmers or farmer-poets. We have never lost a valuable Holstein cow, for the reason that we have never had money enough to buy one, but we can easily see wherein if such a calamity should befall us we should drop into poetry and give the world the benefit of our poignant flight of song. It seems that an autopsy performed on the cow lately deceased revealed the fact that the cow, in order to adopt the latest in cow fashions, had swallowed a corset stay. When the first stroke of grief was over Mr. Young went out under the apple blossoms with pad and pencil and consoled himself by composing the following touching lines, which it is reported will adorn the wayward cow’s tombstone:
“This faithful cow we loved so much
Has gone and passed away;
A corset steel cut short her life –
It was not hers to stay.”
As before stated, Mr. Young has our sincere sympathy, both as a poet and a farmer. The two occupations mix splendidly; one inspires the other, and had not Mr. Young been a poet the poor cow might have gone down into oblivion unheralded and unsung. But isn’t it lamentable what foolish things followers of fashion will do? Here was this poor cow, who had never lived in the city, had never been away to boarding school or had any training as regards fashion’s demands, on her first attempt to don fashion’s garb put her foot right into it. Without asking any questions she tried to wear a pair of corsets, and alas! tried to wear them on the inside! Isn’t that just like a cow? Nobody can blame her for wishing to reduce her belt line, but in so doing she paid the forfeit. Had she gone so far as to adopt a switch and puffs there is no telling where she would have put them; possibly in the same place she wore the corsets. Of course she had a switch already, but sometimes one isn’t enough. Alas! That fashion should be responsible for so many deformities and indirectly responsible for so many calamities! In the case of Mr. Young’s cow, of course, her fate was due more to ignorance than to vanity, but it only goes to show the dangers of fooling with something that isn’t loaded, and adopting styles that make the gods weep and nature say, discouragingly, “What’s the use?”
____________
May 23, ‘10
JOCOSITIES
____
By JOE CONE
Financial Calculation
We’ve been savin’ up our pennies an’ our nickels for a week,
Cuttin’ out the movin’ pictur’s an’ all extras, so to speak;
We have let up on terbacker, an’ we’ve gone without a shine,
An’ the razor we had buried we’ve again got into line.
We have got up early mornin’s, so’s to hoof it into town,
An’ the nickels used for carfares we have salted of ‘em down;
We ain’t lost no time for ballgames, we ain’t squandered any cash,
We’ve been livin’, not on lobster, but on plain an’ hullsome hash.
We ain’t matched to boss for coppers, we ain’t loaned a durn red cent,
We have kept from all temptation with a well defined intent;
We have saved up for a fortnight, an’ by George, we’re savin’ still,
‘Cuz we’re goin’ to see the circus if it takes a dollar bill.
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“Marriage ain’t so much a failure, ez ‘tis that failures git married.”
______
Astronomical Note
The lost tail is the means of creating numberless new ones.
______
Little by Little
With fear and trembling, half ashamed,
As though they something wrong had done,
Expecting to be crushed, or blamed,
Straw hats are coming, one by one.
______
Give and Take
Beacon – Men are known by the company they keep.
Hill – And women by the help they keep.
______
Our Friend the Hen
“Kut, kut, ker-docket, I’ve laid an egg, don’t hock it, the shell is black, and now I cack-alate it’s money in my pocket!” Thus sang an Oxford (N. Y.) hen recently, who gave the world the first black egg, as a result of going out picking coal. Oxfordites are now excited over what they consider to be the greatest discovery of the age, not excepting the tail-shedding of Halley’s comet. There is also commotion in the henyards around Oxford, and people are locking their cellar doors lest all the hens in the neighborhood break loose and carry off the contents of their coal bins.
It has been discovered by one F. J. Dedrick that a hen fed on coal dust will produce eggs of the usual interior shades, but wrapped in a jet black outer garment, and that the shells, after being cracked over an egg-shake glass, will burn with great heat and lasting qualities, almost equally to coal itself. This is certainly a great discovery and, if it doesn’t turn out to be a shell game by some ambitious reporter, will revolutionize the egg business, as well as affect the output of the coal fields. The question is: Will a hen lay more fuel than she will consume? Before we invest in a fuel plant to any great extent, we should like some statistics along that line. However, if anybody has a dozen hens for sale, with a half ton or so of coal left over, we would like them to quote us a price on the entire outfit.
We would like to experiment a little in our spare moments, and if it proves successful we might arrange a coal-ition and engage in it on a large scale, furnishing hotels and bakeries with eggs in the nude, and supplying the market with the shell for heating purposes. And to go a step further, we do not see why a hen fed on brass tacks wouldn’t produce a gold-covered egg – but we are sorry we mentioned this, because we wanted to be the first one to try it.
______
Who Knows?
(Contributed.)
See that cripple on the pavement,
Selling pencils and shoe laces;
Somehow is the thought suggested
That the scene our state disgraces.
Wretched Lazarus! Yet he may be
Pre-ordained to bless the world;
Who can tell His ways providing
For the state to be unfurled?
Did the Great Emancipator
In his youthhood promise better?
Then there may be in that cripple
Something fuller than the letter.
Melrose. T. F.
____________
May 24, ‘10
JOCOSITIES
____
By JOE CONE
The Horny Hands of Toil
(“And blessed are the horny hands of toil.” – James Russell Lowell)
The man who in his office sits
And smokes a big cigar,
Oft lets his vision wander forth,
Out where the toilers are.
He sees the stretch of new-ploughed fields,
And smells the freshened soil;
And says between his puffs: “Blest be
The horny hand of toil.
The farmer, bent, with hoe in hand,
Looks townward day by day,
Where miles of stone skyscrapers stand
In battlement array.
He sees the dapper business man
And says, behind a frown:
“Blest be the man who’s got a place
Off in the distant town!”
And yet the spotless city man
Still smokes his big cigar;
He doesn’t go, except in dreams,
Out where the toilers are.
The farmer ploughs year after year,
The sweet, fresh-smelling soil;
Both are well placed, the city man,
The horny hand of toil.
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“A bad aig ain’t so very bad until it’s broke.”
______
Halley Note
We are not very strong on “Missouri,” but we would like to know how the scientists know whether the comet is growing a new tail, or merely gathering up stray hairs from the old one.
______
Cheerful Comment
Beverly in BIG TYPE soon.
Wellesley’s under the spotlight.
Seems a long time between now and the circus.
When in doubt, don’t ask the weather man.
Guess it will need a strong hand to raise the Maine.
? ? Do we really know anything about “Jeff” and “Jack”? ?
Princeton feels like using some of that $10,000,000 for fireworks.
Two persons reported to have died from seeing the comet, but thousands are just dying to see it.
Of course, the English won’t fear the French aeroplane quite so much if they can’t get away again.
That 101-year-old Chicago woman who says the proper way to live long is to dress warm for the winter and cool for the summer don’t say how to dress when winter runs over into the summer.
______
Gungywamp Precaution
Hank Stubbs – Squire Patten’s hired man got bit by a snake down in the medder, didn’t he?
Bige Miller – Yaas, but not till the hired man found out the squire kerried an emergency flask.
______
What’s the Answer?*
(Contributed.)
You saw Halley’s comet when coming this way,
And you said it would surely pass by;
With a switch of its tail o’er the earth to prevail,
Which we could not escape should we try.
On the eighteenth you said all the world would be dead, –
Did you see any green in my eye?
You say that the comet has swept ‘round the sun,
And now capers afar through to sky;
That its tail disappeared in a manner most weird,
Which you do not explain, though you try.
Kindly pause in your quest, from the east to the west, –
Do you see any green in my eye?
Somerville. C. R. D.
______
*Alas! Our calculations and our prophecies have all gone wrong, and though it hurts us to do it, Father Jocosity admits he is responsible for the whole comet business. But we done our best.
______
Some Fish
Felipe Ocampo, a thoroughly honest and trustworthy Mexican, while just off the coast, hooked a monster fish, name unknown, and in the process of the struggle the line became entangled underneath the boat where Felipe couldn’t reach it, and the fish, taking advantage of the situation, towed Felipe and his boat out to sea. Felipe was a good oarsman and did his best to check the submarine tugboat, but all to no purpose. After beating up and down the Atlantic for two days the fish suddenly severed connections with the boat and went his way rejoicing, and poor Felipe, hungry, thirsty and out of patience with angling, made his way slowly back to land.
Felipe wouldn’t have minded the experience so much, but on arriving home his neighbors, like most people of a certain sort, wouldn’t believe his fish story. They inferred that he had become weary in well doing and had lain down in the bottom of his boat, and having fallen asleep, had been carried out to sea. He had nothing to show that he had had a big fish on the end of his line. It is the old story over again. Years ago we learned better than to bring home anything in the nature of a big fish story. If we couldn’t produce the goods we remained silent. Felipe is a beginner, but he is learning.
______
Hit It, Nearly
“They say there’s a new novelist born every minute.”
“I guess you mean novel, don’t you?”
______
Aunt Jane’s Wisdom
Dolores – O, dear! One doctor tells me to eat chocolates, and another tells me to let them alone; whatever shall I do?
Aunt Jane – I wouldn’t pay any attention to either of them, dearie.
____________
May 25, ‘10
JOCOSITIES
____
By JOE CONE
By and By
We’ll have a better day,
By and by;
At least so people say,
By and by.
They say that ev’ry day
’Ll be Sunday, by the way,
And then we’ll all feel gay,
By and by.
They say we’ll all be rich,
By and by;
Providing there’s no hitch,
By and by.
But I don’t really see
How that is going to be
Dear friends, so long as we
Buy and buy.
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“Some folks in takin’ time by the forelock git a-holt the wrong end.”
______
Political Note
Dispatch from Washington says that hot air is to be banished from the Capitol halls. If the scheme could only be extended to all political rendezvous!
______
She Got Him
“You ought to make a little go a long way!” snapped the irate husband.
“All right,” returned the little woman, “go down six blocks and get me a loaf of bread.”
______
Where It Listeth
The only way to keep a straw hat on in Boston is to wear it under your arm. This morning we swayed down Tremont street past the Park Street Church, smiling peacefully under a brand new $2 straw hat. A small typhoon from Scollay square caught it under the rear brim and first thing we knew it went sailing full speed ahead and chipped a piece off the cupola of the Kiosk. With the aid of one policeman, two hackmen and a newsboy we rescued it and proceeded handing out three cigars and a nickel. Passing West street we got the broadside of an east wind on our quarter, and up went the lid, sailing off toward the Common, where it rolled on edge half way to the bandstand. By this time its newness had worn off and in addition it had an attractive green edge from rolling on the new spring grass.
When we reached Mason street a gust from the west caught it and we knew not where it went till we saw it beating frantically at one of the windows at the rear of the Adams House. It had never been there before and we wondered. Finally it dropped to the sidewalk and rolled up Mason street headed for Keith’s rear entrance, although it was too early for the show. There is always a crowd of good chasers on Mason street, so after considerable excitement the hat was rounded up, and ramming it tightly on our now beclouded brow we resumed our journey. All went well till we reached the Tremont Theatre. Here one of those mean, sneaking, go-as-you-please tornadoes met us face to face, and before we had time to grab anything but a passer-by, our uneasy lid took a back somersault and sped up the Great White Way, between automobiles and under sight-seeing juggernauts, and when at last we recovered it it was the greatest sight of them all.
But the worst was yet to come! After cleaning and pressing for ten minutes, all handwork, we started to cross Boylston. Here is where the four winds of heaven, or some other place, meet, and neglecting to put our hand on it at the right moment, it again took leave and cut circles that would have puzzled the best batter in the league. It started toward Park square, then changed its mind and hit it off for Castle square. Seeing a clear course ahead we rushed down the incline to head it off, but as we stood in the middle of the street waiting for it to come, it whipped round and bumped past the Touraine and turned the corner on to Boylston. Here it met with considerable interference from cars, teams and automobiles, All of a sudden its wind seemed to be gone, and flat and crushed in spirit it waited for us to help it to a place of safety. It didn’t look like the hat we used to know. In fact it looked so strange to us that we entered a near-by hatter’s and procured a new felt. We never liked a straw hat very well anyhow. A rest will do it good.
For Sale – A near-new straw hat. Worn but once. Sound, gentle and well broke. Owner has no use for it. Has a pedigree, also very fast. Any one interested please address Jocosity Garage, Herald.
______
Fate
The bad man he loafed,
On excuses lame;
The good Lord sent showers
For to spoil the game.
______
Cheerful Comment
This has been an off year for straw hats.
Be good and perhaps Johnny will take you to the circus.
If one shot can sink a big warship, pray what could many do?
“Three time and out” is the record of the very latest French duel.
Rube’s arm isn’t fractured, but we’ll still wager his patience has all gone to smithereens.
It is predicted that it will be necessary to raise the trolley rates. If it will tend to bring walking into vogue once more, it will be a good thing.
______
One at a Time
(A bit of rustic wisdom from Mendon, Mass.)
To the best uv us folks an’ the worst uv us folks
Thet are breathin’ an’ strivin’ today
There are times bound to come when the throat’s full uv chokes,
An’ the pleasures uv life flit away.
When the glories we’ve planned, an’ the dreams thet we’ve dreamed,
Are all busted like circus balloons,
An’ the purses thet held ev’ry pleasure thet gleamed
Are as withered as boardin’ house prunes!
Yes, the days uv thet sort hike around to us all,
Without heed for or looks or our clime,
But right here is a “think” that helps sweeten the gall –
It is only one day at a time.
It is only one day at a time, thet is all,
For the friendly ol’ night is as certain to fall
As a jingle is certain to rhyme;
An' we gladly should welcome the sleep’s idle hours,
For the mornin’ may greet us with fortune an’ flowers –
It is only one day at a time.
Mendon. “JAC” LOWELL.
____________
May 26, 1910
JOCOSITIES
____
By JOE CONE
The Book Agent Cure
Listen, my children, and you shall hear
Of the greatest scheme of all the year;
A scheme that will rid yourselves of all
Book agents and peddlers, great and small.
We tried it ourselves but yesterday
And soon they carried the poor fellow away;
Although he was big strong and tall
He’s now in the city hospital.
We purchased a box of Manila cigars,
As long and black as a pirate’s spars,
And laid them upon our desk close by
Just so they would catch the passing eye.
In came a book agent, both strong and tall,
He wouldn’t be stopped any way at all;
So we said to him, by way of a joke,
“Excuse us, old man, but have a smoke!”
He lighted the slug from the far-off isle
With a “Thank you, sir,” and a beaming smile.
We opened the window to let the scent
Go forth to the dull gray firmament.
The agent he suddenly ceased to speak,
And his lips were white, and his courage weak;
He leered like a man with a foggy brain,
And held his stomach as though in pain.
“Excuse me,” said he, “but I need more air,”
And he dashed out towards the thoroughfare.
He hasn’t been back to resume the case,
And we never expect to behold his face.
We have a big stock of cigars on tap
For any book agent of peddler chap.
And, listen, my children, you’re all very lame
If you don’t get a bundle and do the same.
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“Never combine the bizniz end of a bumblebee with pleasure.”
______
Heavenly Note
We were out pretty late last evening looking for the comet and saw several sparks.
______
Cheerful Comment
Bet T. R. won’t turn smuggler.
Straws show which way the soda goes.
Hope the Bluefields won’t turn to red fields.
They have the Mauretania outdone on paper.
Is this De Guelph after the crown or merely crowns?
Peary is now an LL. D., while Cook is only M. U. D.
Is sister Argentina going to have her navy all in one?
Anyway, the cold weather has kept back some of the flies and mosquitoes.
The Chicago dealers threaten $1 butter. Personally we think the 20-cent butter the one to be threatened.
Jeffries and Johnson are to have an army of trainers, but when it comes to trailers, you can’t count ‘em.
______
Matrimonial Note
Miss Harriman has the artistic temperament.
______
As Advertised
Hank Stubbs – Abe Crockett’s trout brook is a great brook for suckers.
Bige Miller – You mean inside or out?
______
Musings of the Office Boy
Comet parties go mostly in twos.
It don’t cost anything to smile unless you shout.
One boom makes a noise, but 4 puffs make a typewriter.
Satterdays are a good ways apart after you’ve got your pay envelope.
I don’t expect to be rich, but I’d like to have enough to keep a good job.
It doesn’t pay to know anything unless it’s somethin’ the boss is anxious to find out.
______
Zounds, Man!
Beacon – What do you think of this scheme for booming New England?
Hill – It will make something besides noise.
______
Coughing up
A man in Wilkesbarre, Pa., has just coughed up a loose voice. His voice had been missing for three weeks, and not knowing where he had laid it he was on his way to Philadelphia to consult a specialist on missing articles. As he alighted from the train he was seized with a fit of coughing and much to his surprise and greatly to the benefit of his financial condition he coughed up his voice. He took the next train back. Heretofore coughing has been considered an inconvenience, if not a misfortune, but it bids fair to be taken up by people who have the habit of mislaying things or losing them completely. It is specially recommended to vocalist who have, in one way and another, lost their voices and which cannot be found.
______
Straw Hats
(A Sennit-Sonnet.)
Now is the time of year; the weather’s right;
Gone are the east winds that were cold and raw,
The season’s ripe to don the hat of straw
That on our head so easy sits and light,
Banded with solemn black or ribbon bright,
Milan and split, the jaunty Panamaw,
Or Sennit braids that more attention draw.
Indeed, to see them is a welcome sight.
How cool they feel on the perfervid brow.
What great relief our Derby ‘tis to shake
And hang it on the hat-rack in the hall
Until some time about four months from now
When summer’s gone; then from the peg we take
It down again – the bell has rung – ‘tis fall.
Dorchester. H. E. F.
____________
May 27, ‘10
JOCOSITIES
____
By JOE CONE
The Car Just Behind
Don’t struggle and scramble and wiggle and squeeze,
Like people imbued with the “first car” disease;
Keep up a good spirit – and keep in your mind
The fact that there is always a car right behind.
You’ve seen a crowd struggle like Injuns run wild,
Without any feeling for woman or child,
You’ve seen them go tearing and tumbling like mad
As though there were never a car to be had.
Then, in a few moments, another one came
With plenty of seats for the patient and lame;
And they rode off in comfort of body and mind
Because they had awaited the car just behind.
And so in this life, that is jostle and jar,
Most times it is better to wait the next car;
Instead of a journey, half smothered and blind,
We’d gain by awaiting the car just behind.
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“Back-slidin’ is of’n the result uv goin’ ahead too fast.”
______
Naval Note
The little submarine must not only look out for itself, but all the bigger fellows.
______
Cheerful Comment
The posey poster must go.
They looked fine “boom-ta-ra-ra”
A sure submarine is one that won’t come up.
There’s one salmon that can’t be landed with a 14-ounce rod.
Where one rare flower meets another – at the Orchid Show.
Summer wouldn’t seem like summer without the New York Herald’s Free Ice Fund.
Wouldn’t it be too funny for anything if all that Thaw champagne had evaporated?
Did “Jack” see the handwriting on the tattooed faces of Armstrong and Choynski?
Taft danced all night till broad daylight, but didn’t go home with the girls in the morning!
Mme. Polaire, the Parisian beauty, cables Hammerstein’s Roof Garden that she’s not of the cow or sheepfold, consequently won’t come.
______
So Does Grand Opera
“We want grand opera!” – Syracuse Post-Standard.
“Have you the price?” – New York Herald.
Prices vary so!
______
Educated Farmers’ Sons
Hank Stubbs – Lucky thing college lets out about the time hayin’ begins.
Bige Miller – I never could see any very close connection between the two.
______
Between Chug-Chugs
(Contributed.)
O for the times of the horse and buggy,
When things were not so chug-chug-chuggy;
When, free from embarrassment, wreck and woe,
The horse on his own highway could go.
When the horseman on his own highway,
Care-free, could travel the livelong day,
To study Dame Nature, and ditto man,
But now ‘tis nothing but speed all you can.
Never mind about the fellow who can’t,
Who would like to take a pleasant jaunt;
His old, trusted mare must yield her way
To the rooser who rides on gas, not hay –
It beats the Dickens, and “One Hoss Shay!”
Naples, Me. “DOGGERELLO.”
______
Too Many Millionaires
There is food for thought, notwithstanding the high cost of living, in the attitude of a Chicago pastor who has resigned because his church had too many millionaires. Other pastors have been known to resign because their articular churches harbored too few. It is simply another case of the good things in life being too unequally distributed. The name of the pastor is the Rev. Robert Hugh Morris, and his pulpit was in the First Presbyterian Church, Evanston. Anybody who knows his Chicago ever so slightly knows that Evanston is one of the selectest sections of the windy city, and the camping ground of many, many well-to-do men. Millionaires, sad to say, are not strong on church going, at least not in their home towns.
That is where the whole rub comes. The Rev. Morris was not kicking because the church records contained so many seven-figure names, but because he couldn’t catch the majority of his flock in Chicago long enough to even make a pastoral call. They are prone to spend the winter in California and the summer in the Northeast, and the rest of the time in Europe. Subtracting from that, how could he do any preaching to them? And there isn’t the slightest doubt but that they needed his preaching, some time or other. Hence his resignation. It is hoped the Rev. Morris will find an appreciative church of stay-at-homes, as he undoubtedly will, since he is an exceptionally brilliant preacher, and it is hoped hereafter the Chicago millionaires will remain in Evanston long enough to hear a good sermon, or else take a pastor with them en tour.
P. S. – Somewhere in the Good Book, we have heard our grandmother say, it relates that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. One can really understand the tremendous anxiety and responsibility the Rev. Morris has been under during his pastorate in Evanston.
____________
May 28, ‘10
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
Memorial Day
(Contributed.)
Thank
God for flowers today,
His lilies and His violets
On
buried valor lay,
To breathe our pure regrets.
Its
tears let heaven blend
In vine and bloom and leaf
With
tears of lover, friend,
And patriot’s purer grief.
Let
prayer to God go u
For peace and quiet rest,
Above
each fragrant sod
That crowns a soldier’s breast.
Let
silent blossoms teach
A bravery, too high,
Too
delicate for speech;
Too perfect, but to doe –
Which
now we consecrate
With Beauty’s blameless breath
To
fame, transcending fate,
To love, transcending death.
Somerville. H. A. KENDALL.
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“You
can’t allus tell by the looks uv a tud how fur he’s goin’ to make you jump.”
______
Pavement
Philosophy
A
rolling story gathers moss.
The
world also loves a cheerful giver.
The
worm turns – don’t be a worm.
Even
a good cigar can’t last forever.
Wisdom
doesn’t always come from the wise.
It’s
a one-way street to Paradise.
Charity
that begins at home is apt to be extended.
Some
folks are straight as a string when it is tied in a knot.
Life
is either a nightmare or a dream, or something just as good.
Whether
the airship works well or not the aeronaut is apt to go in the air.
You
really have got to be a has-been, but you are not obliged to be a never-was.
Some
people so steadily for coincidences that they miss many things more important.
Of
course you want to be a good fellow, but not the kind of a good fellow that
never gets anywhere.
Some
folks try to get something for nothing, and then turn around and try to sell
nothing for something.
______
Eva
On the Eve
Miss Eva Tanguay
got held up
By park police polite;
Although ‘twas
dusk she didn’t have
A single auto light.
She paid the fine
just like a man,
Then caused the judge to stare
By saying, as she
jumped her car:
“So long, judge, I don’t care!”
______
Good Filling
“Strange
how some folks look at things.”
“How
now?”
“Well,
there’s young Gately, waiting for dead men’s shoes; he never can fill them in
the world.”
“But
he expects they will be stuffed out with gilt-edged bonds.”
______
Sonnet to Britain
(Contributed.)
Now Britain morns, but not as one forlorn,
Her
glory does not die with passing kings,
While from her past rich inspiration
springs
To
service great for ages yet unborn.
Her strength is as the strength of mighty
youth,
Her
wisdom garnered from her varied past;
With motives high and patience that will
last
She
moves toward the goal of perfect truth.
O motherland! Look to the coming years,
Make
strong thy heart for tasks that lie before;
The future beckons even through thy tears,
Though
sorrow calls, yet duty needs thee more!
E’en in thy grief this consolation gives:
Though
kings may die, a nobler Britain lives.
Webster. SAMUEL
G. REA.
______
In Martyrdom
“Given
up smoking, old man?”
“Yes,
for two weeks.”
“Why
is that?”
“Trying
to fit my wife out for the summer.”
______
At the Ball
First
society girl – I dress according to my means.
Second
ditto – What a pity your means are so limited!
____________
May 29, ‘10
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
Uncle Ezra Says:
“People
who are allus smellin’ a rat usually git scat to death at the sight uv a mouse.”
______
Humor Note
The
tramp joke is still making its way from door to door.
______
Cheerful Comment
Smuggling
is a lost art.
Will
the milk rumpus ever evaporate?
But
what Johnnie wants is the “same” Fourth.
Dr.
Koch is dead, but our friend bacilli still lives.
Not
much waist material in Mme. Polaire’s gowns, they say.
Sixteen
“bulls’ eyes” in 16 shots is Uncle Sam’s latest record in throwing iron.
Francis
Wilson, the actor, has bought $40,000 worth of golf links so he can play the
summer season.
Maine
has set out 150,000 new apple trees this year. Those Mainers are bound to keep
up the cider average.
A
New Yorker is reported to have committed suicide with a safety razor, and yet
they will tell you you can’t even cut yourself with one.
______
Gungy’s Art Critic
Hank
Stubbs – Feller come to my door this mornin’ with three or four little brushes
an’ a few tubes an’ asked ef he could paint my house.
Bige
Miller – What did you tell him?
Hank
Stubbs – I asked him ef he wanted to do it by the day or by the job?
______
Seeing Boston
Dear
Jocosity: Is there such a place as the “Corner of the Broken Lamp Post,” so
frequently mentioned in your column, or are you kidding us? I am going to
Boston some fine day soon on a sight-seeing trip, intending to spend a whole
afternoon, and would like to include the place mentioned in my junket, if there
is really such a place.
Waltham. “TICK-TICK.”
My
Dear Tick-Tick: We aim to please, but not to deceive. Anything you read in this
column you can bank on; it is certified, and will cash in anywhere. There is a
sure “Corner of the Broken Lamp Post,” and, while not of revolutionary origin,
still it has been in existence so long now that it is a matter of history. The
post, unfortunately, hasn’t been placarded yet, but anyone on Washington street
will point it out to you.
If
you intend passing as much time in our city as you say you do, don’t fail to
visit this favorite resort of sight-seers. All east and west-bound surface cars
stop there, allowing passengers ample time to view the ruins, take photographs
and purchase literature on the subject. Conductors are supposed to announce its
approach through a megaphone.
Unfortunately,
through passengers on the tunnel trains are barred from seeing the post as they
pass by, but we intend agitating a scheme whereby they may be given a view of
the end which is underground. Come early, “Tick-Tick,” and avoid the rush. Your
name, however, suggests that you will be right on time.
______
Single
Expensiveness
“I’m
going to wait till I’m worth a half million before I get married.”
“Why,
my boy, by that time you will have enough to live singly.”
______
May Thirtieth,
1910
(Contributed.)
Hearken, and hear again the tramp, tramp;
Above
them Old Glory is waving.
Their thoughts go back to battle and camp,
And
their part in a nation’s saving.
Grizzled and gray they march down the
street
With
the weight of years, unsteady;
Keeping in step to muffled drum’s beat,
With
hearts that are cheerful and ready.
Feeble and few are their numbers today,
For
time has rent ranks asunder;
Marching with wreaths of laurel and bay,
For
the mounds their comrades are under.
Cherish and cheer these men who go past,
Who
fought to preserve this great Union;
Establish a peace that ever shall last,
With
its states in happy communion.
Dorchester. H. E. FENTON.
____________
May 30, 1910
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
Pa’s
Sacrifice
Don’t shake your
head in such a way,
And look so melancholy;
That you can’t get
away today
Is worse than passing folly.
This is no time to
uppish be,
Don’t think that you can shake him;
Johnny the circus
wants to see,
And someone’s got to take him.
Give up your cares
for one-half day,
Although you hate to do it;
Just be a martyr,
by the way,
In time you will not rue it.
Of course you do
not want to go,
But Johnnie? Don’t forsake him!
He wants to see
the circus, so
Of course you’ll have to take him!
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“Figgers
don’t lie, mebbe, but some of
‘em are awful deceivin’.”
______
Rapid Transit Note
Mighty
few travelers, whether dashing by dog sled or by aeroplane, could equal the
feats of one Dr. Cook, that of being in four places at the same time.
______
Cheerful Comment
“Next”
on the airship!
Isn’t
Glenn H. Curtiss the bird, though?
And
just going to the circus is one in itself.
A
canoe will get upset over the least little thing.
The
milkmen simply put another twist in the cow’s tail.
It
takes all kind of weather to make a typical Memorial day.
The
New York Times speaks of “Palladino on her dignity.” Is that a new name for
spiritual feet?
If
your town has an “Old Home Week,” well and good, but whether it does or not, go
home; it’ll do both good.
To
those young people who have not yet become engaged we would warn them that the
comet is growing fainter, and will not be visible much longer to the naked eye.
______
Roses
and Thorns
Tomorrow is the
first of June,
The month of brides and graduates;
The month when
hearts are in attune,
And Cupid’s fond of making dates.
But June no
romance brings to view,
And Cupid heaves a mournful sigh;
Our life insurance
now is due,
Also the tax bill greets our eye.
______
In the Grip
In
one of Boston’s suburbs lives a doctor by the name of Fleet. In the immediate
neighborhood dwells an undertaker by the name of Hurrie. What show has a
patient in a locality like that?
______
Garden Note
(Contributed.)
Widely
ope the tulip petals,
When the golden sun is shining,
Closing
up their gay corollas
When the sun is near declining.
Then
the two-lips on the benches,
Op’ning in a way surprising,
Carry
on the course of nature,
Till the sun again is rising!
Melrose. T. F.
______
A Plantation Joker
It
is hoped the following will be taken for what it is worth. It is not patented,
and may be used by after dinner speakers, providing they will give credit to
Adam’s diary.
A
darkey in the South who was doing a little blasting just outside the house had
borrowed a stick of dynamite from one of his white neighbors, promising to
return it as soon as the explosion was over. So careful was he of the explosive
that he put it away in the house, and when it came time to put it into
operation he forgot where it was. After hunting for some time he approached one
of his daughters and said:
“Say,
to’ Chirstobel, does yo’ know whar I done laid dat yar stick ob gun cotton?”
“No,
sah,” said she, “but Dinah might.”
____________
May 31, 1910
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