JOCOSITIES
What
is a Humorist?
Yesterday morning, a timid knock sounded
on Jocosity’s door, and to our invitation to enter, with our right hand on our
hip pocket, there appeared a tall young blonde whose speech was all a-tremble,
and whose heart appeared to be all a-flutter.
“Is
– is this Mr. Jocosity?” she asked, doubtingly.
“It
be – it am – are – well, rather, it is,” we admitted, catching her manner
somewhat.
“Well,
I should never have thought it; I expected to find a – a different looking person
altogether,” she acknowledged.
“We
trust you are not disappointed, madam?”
“Oh,
no, not exactly, but you are neither bald, nor thin nor fat, and I thought all
humorists were that much, anyway.”
“Oh
well, madam, give us time,” we suggested. “We are only at the flower of our
youth just now. By the way, can we do anything for you? You know this is press
day; we go to press three days a week.”
“I
– I came to write you up,” she replied.
“That
is splendid; such a change. Usually people come in to blow us up.”
“I
came more particularly to inquire about the American Press Humorists’
Association, of which I hear you are a member.”
“We
have heard so, madam.”
“You
convene in Montreal, August 1, I believe? Dear me, what is it like?”
“It
isn’t like anything else, we assure you.”
“How
many members have you?”
“It
all depends on how the dues come in.”
“Do
you have regular meetings?”
“Yes,
one regular meeting, but several irregular ones.”
“Would
you mind giving me the names of the members?”
“We
would; the humorists dislike having their names in print.”
“Are
they as modest as all that?”
“A
great deal more so; they even dislike having their work in print, and so do as
little as possible on that account.”
“I
suppose they are awfully funny when they get together?”
“They
look like a funeral procession in a rainstorm.”
“Do
they meet yearly?”
“Oftener,
if they can get it.”
“Do
women belong?”
“Oh,
the women own it; the men go along to carry their baggage.”
“I
suppose they are banqueted every day, and made a lot of?”
“They
are banqueted rarely, but made a lot off of.”
“Is
it a secret organization?”
“Well,
we tried to tell a few secrets last year at Buffalo, but they all got out.”
“Are
the dues heavy?”
“They
wouldn’t be to a carpenter or a motorman, but to us they seem very weighty
indeed.”
“Could
you give me any facts?”
The
fact is, madam, there are none. We mean, none that would bear the light. You
may say that the organization is temperate, smokeless and noiseless. It has an
arm, but the marksmanship has been very poor. Next year it will convene in
Boston, when we expect its standing will be greatly improved.”
___________
JOCOSITIES
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
Announcement Extraodinary!
(“The greatest need in the world today is
humor” – The late Hezekiah Hutterworth.)
If the writer has heard the above from the
lips of Mr. Hutterworth once he has heard it 100 times, and those who were
fortunate enough to know the genial soul know that he always spoke the truth.
Now, of course, our good old world ought
to have what it needs. It ought certainly to have what it needs most. When the
writer of this column started out in life he yearned to be an artist, but he
soon found that the world didn’t need artists. Then he tried farming. That
particular part of the world in which he lived didn’t appear to be in any
pressing need of farmers.
By and by he began writing novels. He
quickly learned that there was much need of fewer novelists and turned his
attention to magazine poetry. He discovered from actual experience that the
world could get along without magazine poets. Then came the magic words of the
author of the “Zig-Zag” books: “The world’s greatest need is humor.” This
brings the writer up to the present, and he is going to attempt to give the
world what it needs, whether it needs it or not. It shall no longer suffer
through any misplaced energy of his.
He will hand it out in big chunks or in
slices cut thin, just as the world wants it, but he doesn’t want the world
after he has scratched his head bare and worked his humor organs to a frazzle,
to come hanging round his factory asking for rebates. The world needs humor; so
does the writer in order to give the world what it needs. He will put the humor
before you, and if you don’t laugh you are not, of course, a part of the world –
you are not on the map.
_____
Signs
The
sun is gittin’ higher
Ev’ry day;
We
don’t have to poke the fire
Ev’ry day.
The
snow is slowly goin’,
The
grass will soon be showin’
Our
neighbor’s rooster’s crowin’
Ev’ry day.
The
ice is growin’ weaker
Ev’ry day;
The
crick is lookin’ sleeker
Ev’ry day.
Ev’ry
feller’s jest wishin’
He
could hear his trout line swishin’,
An’
we’re likely to be fishin’
Any day.
______
Pavement Philosophy
Every
coat with a fur collar doesn’t cover an actor.
If
you don’t know whether you are going or coming, ask a policeman.
Leaning
against a lamp post doesn’t add anything to the post.
When
you poke your umbrella into a man’s eye it is only polite that you stop and
listen to his apology.
It
is just as bad to break the law with one article as with another, but, of
course, the jimmy is looked upon as being much worse than the fountain pen.
______
George in Literature
That Washington a
poet was
I’ve
heard my gran’ther say;
For as the tree
went crashing down
He
shouted, “tree oh lay!”
_______
An Old Question Solved
The reason why the pullet goes
So
oft across the street,
Is so the rooster,
if he’s there,
Can
see her pretty feet.
______
On the Scent
Recently a man over in the Harvard Union
sat reading intently, and held a live cigar a short distance above his head.
His hand dropped gradually till the lighted end came in contact with his shaggy
hair, which curled and sizzled, while a noticeable scent pervaded the classic
air. He looked round in disgust to see what the next fellow was smoking, and
simultaneously discovered the cause.
______
I. B. J. – No, Carrie Nation is not a
direct descendant of the Father of his Country, although she is trying to ape
him in some respects. When she asserts that she is using the very instrument
with which he felled the tree that made a certain brand of cocktail possible
she errs, we know of at least 100 others who really possess it. Washington was
the father of our Nation in fact; Carrie can become its mother in name only.
______
Street Primer
Do you see the Newsboy?
You can Hear the Newsboy a long time
before you can see Him.
What does the Newsboy say?
It doesn’t matter What the Newsboy Says,
you know He is the Newsboy because he has the Papers to Prove it.
What has the Newsboy concealed in His
Hand?
The Newsboy has a Cigarette butt in his
Hand. He saw it Smoking in the Gutter and was Afraid it would set Fire to the
Street, so He picked it up. Good little Newsboy, you will be a Fire Chief some
day!
Did ever you try a Trick on the Newsboy?
Give him a Nickel sometime for your paper and tell Him to Keep the Change. Ten
chances to one He will do it.
Does the Newsboy ever Sleep?
O, yes, the Newsboy Sleeps, but Never on
His Job.
(P.S. – Lots of People can Learn something
from the Newsboy.)
______
Feb. 22,
1909
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
Caught On The Wireless Wire
While sitting in
my barn one day,
Upon the ridge board high,
I caught a hundred
messages
As they came flying by.
One read, “Dear
John I’m coming home,
Look to the furnace fire”;
Another, We are
married, dad,”
Upon the wireless wire.
Another, “Send me
50 casks
Of shine wire P.D.Q”,
And, “Harry, dear,
my hand is yours,
Please let me hear from you.”
Another, “Twins
arrived today,”
And, “Copper two pints higher”.
“A revolution
nipped in Skwatt,”
All on the wireless wire.
I was knee deep in
fields of fun,
My being all afire!
What joy to catch
the passing news
Upon the wireless wire.
Just then a
message ripped along
That knocked me off my stool;
‘Twas simply this,
in accents clear:
“Get off the line, you fool!”
______
Nature Fakirs, Attention
A Roman farmer while out digging a mess of
artichokes for breakfast recently unearthed a large marble fountain with a
frieze of dancing girls in bas relief around it. This strange vegetable, found
at the root of an artichoke plant, is valued at $100,000. Luther Burbank is
clearly outdone, and would better look to his laurels; also his seed box.
We are highly pleased over this discovery.
It simply bears out a theory that we have long held, that farming, rightly
managed, does really pay. There’s a good living, and more, in juggling the
soil, but it must be dug out. No man can tell what is in the ground for him
until he digs. He may not find a buried city in every case, but he may find
numerous other things that have been buried a long time.
There are several acres of idle land in
the country which will be sacrificed at a modest figure if anybody wishes to go
into artichoke raising. Full directions furnished gratis. Seed equal, if not
superior, to the Roman seed. Here is a rare opportunity which should appeal to
farmers and archaeologists alike.
______
Pavement Philosophy
Some people take the escalator and still
walk up.
Sometimes when you meet a bookish girl don’t
you wish she were a little more newspapery?
The office boy who has been neglecting his
employer’s business has lost his best argument, that he’s been looking after the
King’s Business.
When a moving picture singer asks the
audience to join in the chorus he should always be accommodated if for no other
reason than to drown his voice.
The only difference between the literary
hack and the ordinary hack is that the wheels of the ordinary hack run off a
better living for their owner.
______
Sing, Brother, Sing
They
ain’t no use in frettin’
Ef the world
goes wrong;
What’s the matter with your getting’
Into service with a song?
You
can’t help it with your mopin’,
Silunce hez no cheery ring;
So,
my brother, here is hopin’
You will sing, sing, sing!
Music
helps to win a battle,
Let your voice be ready then;
Ugliness
may do for cattle,
But it will not do for men.
Ef
the day be dark an’ gloomy,
An’ you’re blue as anything,
Life
will be more light an’ roomy
Ef you sing, sing, sing!
____________
____________
Feb.
23, ‘09
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
Bittersweets of
Spring
In the spring the
young man’s fancy,
and
the older man’s as well,
Turns to where the
little brooklet
gurgles down the drowsy dell,
Where the
splashing falls surrender to
the ever waiting pool,
And the golden
trout are darting up
the rapids swift and cool.
He can see the
purling waters as
they lash the mossy stones,
And they thrill
his pent-up spirit with
their glad, inviting tones;
He can see the
sweeping meadows and
the woodland bare and brown,
He can wish that
he were thither, but
he has to stay in town.
In the spring a
young man’s fancy
turns upon his rod and reel,
And he fishes out
his leaders and his
lines and flies and creel.
Then he varnishes
his lancewood, and
each joint he vaselines
While he tests his
lines and leaders
for the coming battle scenes.
Everything is
oiled and polished and
all ready for the fray
When he learns the
“boss” won’t let
him off for even half a day;
And his dreams
have all been shattered
and his spirits are cast down.
He would like to
whip those waters –
but he has to stay in town.
______
Street Primer
What is that awful
noise?
That,
little one, is the Milkman. He has just left a Pint of Milk in the Back Hall.
I
cannot see the Milkman.
No,
it is either too Late or too Early to see Him. It is now Two-thirty in the Forenoon.
Why
does the Milkman come so Early?
It
is a Habit. He Slams the Door so you will know He has been Around, in case your
Milk bottle is Missing when you get up.
Is
the Milkman Honest?
Certainly
the Milkman is honest. He will not take other men’s bottles if they are marked,
and He will not use Rain water, but good, pure, cold Water from the Pump.
Has
the Milkman and Cows?
No,
He hasn’t any Cows. He gets His Milk from the Milk Train. Didn’t you know that
Trains gave Milk?
(P.S.
– It is cheaper to buy milk than to keep Cows, but it is Thinner.)
______
Who’s Right?
The basin hats
down in the stores
The ladies say are kippy;
The men folks take
another view,
And say they’re simply dippy.
______
Early Spring
Cleaning
To scrub the old
State House perhaps
Is needful, but we pray
They won’t keep at
it long enough
To wash it away.
______
A Real Reformer
Mrs.
Suburbe – I want to go in town shopping today, John. Did you get paid last
night?
Mr.
Suburbe – Yes, dear; about how much will you need?
Mrs.
S – O, about twenty-five.
Mr.
S. – I’ll let you have five, on one condition.
Mrs.
S. (grieved) – On one condition? Why, John, you never made any conditions
before? What is it?
Mr.
S – That you do your shopping and start for home before 4 in the afternoon. I
don’t want some poor fellow to stand up all the way home on account of any
generosity of mine.
______
I.C.U.
– The difference between a 10-cent shave and a 15-cent shave is that with the
10-cent shave you have to put your overcoat on all alone.
____________
Feb.
24, ‘09
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
The
Psychological Moment
If you’ve got a
soul to slay
Put it off;
If you’ve got a
grudge to pay
Put it off.
If an evil play to
lay,
Or an evil word to
say
Do not foster it
today
Put it off.
If you’ve planned
a glad surprise
Do it now;
If you’re going to
try to rise
Do it now.
If that “ten”
haunts you today,
(Borrowed in the
far-away),
And you wish to
pay me, say,
Do it now!
______
Information for
Canoeists
Reports
of canoe upsettals are already coming in, and winter hasn’t begun to think of
saying good-bye. Here are a few suggestions which might with profit be printed
on a card and tacked on the quarter-deck of each lilting canoe for rent:
This
is not a ferryboat.
Do
not rock this canoe to see how much it will stand.
This
craft is built for two; don’t try to carry more than six.
Learn
to swim first and paddle afterward.
If
you are anxious to change seats, wait till you get back to the boathouse.
While
it may add to the pleasure of canoeing to carry along a camera, phonograph and
records, guitars and mandolins, sofa pillows, magazines, umbrellas, parasols,
sweaters, suit cases, jossticks, fans, looking-glasses, easels and paint boxes,
these articles might prove useless in case of an overturn.
The
management is not responsible for articles lost in the bottom of the river.
______
Pavement
Philosophy
There
are numerous kinds of “tripping” feet.
It
is only a step from leaving off a woolen over coat to putting on a wooden one.
A
good story will bear repeating, but not right away before the same audience.
Before
you try the golden road to literature, try the ordinary highway with team
driving or shoveling dirt.
______
A Fixture
Hank
– Do you think the autermobile hez come tew stay?
Tassel
– Waal, I think my nephew John’s hez; he landed here with it 10 days ago an’
hain’t b’en able tew start it sence.
______
A Changed Woman
Vamp
– My wife used to be my stenographer.
Camp
– How interesting!
Vamp
– Er, yes, but she doesn’t talk shorthand now that we are married.
______
Nothing in Names?
Here is the way it
looks to us,
Who with him have
a daily fuss:
The janitor,
But he, the
janitor so grim,
Here is the way it
looks to him:
THE JANITOR.
The plumber now we
have to call;
We think it should
be very small,
The plumber’s bill.
But when we get
it, hully gee!
It is the only
thing we see,
THE PLUMBERS BILL.
____________
Feb.
25, ‘09
joss
stick - a thin stick consisting of a substance that burns slowly
and with a fragrant smell, used as incense.
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
Here and Now
Little girl of
Long Ago,
Eyes of blue and
hair of tow,
Cheeks as red as
sunset skies
Lighting up your
laughing eyes;
How I loved you,
did you know?
Little girl of Long
Ago!
I was shy and
modest then –
You were eight and
I was ten;
You were smaller
much than I,
But you towered to
the sky;
You were far above
me, far
As the distant,
shining star,
But I loved you,
even so
Little girl of Long
Ago.
Little girl of
Long Ago
We are older, as
you know;
Years have lengthened
since we stood
In the meadow near
the wood
Where we
quarreled, you and I,
O’er a trifle,
foolishly,
And I left you,
sobbing so,
Little girl of
Long Ago.
Love has brought
me home again;
We are more than
eight and ten;
But my heart
yearns for you so,
Little girl of
Long Ago.
Here’s the meadow
and the wood,
Here’s the very spot
we stood.
Ah! What means
that blushing brow?
Little girl of Here
and Now!
______
Street Primer
Now
you see the Humorist.
He
is the thin-faced, half-starved looking Genius following the crowd.
No,
He is not looking for something to Eat; He is looking for a Joke. He hopes the Crowd
will drop something. He has very sharp Eyes.
What
makes the Humorist so Thin?
It
is because He is so Well Fed. All Well Fed Humorists look thin. It is because
they have so much to do. Fat Humorists have Nothing to Do. There are no Fat
Humorists.
Has
the Humorist a Mission?
Yes,
but no Muzzle.
The
Mission of the Humorist is to Make people Laugh. If the people don’t Laugh,
then He moves on to the next Mission.
See!
The Crowd has dropped Something. It is Round and Pink. A Lady dropped It, and
the Humorist has picked It up. See the Grin on the Humorist’s face, He will
take It home and Stretch It into a Joke.
(P.S.
It is hard to keep up Appearances when you have lost the Means for doing so.)
______
The Unlucky Oyster
The oyster is cool
and clear and calm,
Admired by the many and not the few;
Yet, sorry to say,
possesses a way
Of getting himself in a stew.
______
Epicurean Epigrams
Many
a good liver is ruined by living too good.
A
big head is usually the result of a small one.
It
is all right to eat pie with a knife if the pie deserves it.
It
is bad taste to find fault with the cook because sometimes the taste grows
worse.
Five
good ways to cook eggs: Boil ‘em, fry ‘em, roast ‘em, bake ‘em, and eat ‘em
raw.
____________
Feb.
26, ‘09
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
The
Fifth Of March, T.R.
What
will you do with your Big Stick
The 5th of March, T.R.?
There
will be no more for you to lick,
The 5th of March, T.R.
‘Twon’t
be of use in Afric’ lands
Amongst
ferocious jungle bands
You’ll
simply have it on your hands
The 5th of March, T.R.
The
rifle is the thing to raise
The 5th of March, T.R.
The
Stick will have seen better days
The 5th of March, T.R.
You
know it wouldn’t be quite fair
To
strike out at a Teddy bear –
You
will not need it anywhere
The 5th of March, T.R.
The
Big Stick will have shrunken some
The 5th of March, T.R.
What
will you sell it for, now come,
The 5th of March, T.R.?
‘Twon’t
look so big in Congress’s eyes –
O
happy thought to realize
‘Twill
be about a toothpick size
The 5th of March, T.R.!
______
“Lampy” in Long
Pants
It
is good to see business taking on a boom in New England. A joke factory, to
cost in the neighborhood of $20,000, is to be erected in Cambridge the coming
summer. This is the first factory of its kind to be built in New England,
New
York boasts of the only building in the country devoted exclusively to the
manufacture of humor. Puck Building was erected for that purpose many years ago
and is still doing a flourishing business.
The
Harvard Lampoon will soon start upon a building of its own, which, its editors
say, will be all to the merry. It is a happy thought on the part of the Lampoon,
and no building in the University city will be pointed out with more
cheerfulness than the new Temple of Fun. It is good to see humor taking a
forward step; this is no joke.
______
Casoethes
Scribendi, Loquendi
Mr.
William Jennings Bryan, who, it will be rcalled, has some time or other run for
the presidency, but failed to take his salt shaker, is reported to have denied
that he will write a novel, dramatize it, put it on the stage and portray one
of the characters. Perhaps he has reflected that there are three things the
would-be novelist, playwright and actor ought to paste in his generous sombrero:
It
is easier to become a President than a successful novelist.
It
is twice as easy to become a President as to write a successful play.
It
is three times easier to become a President than a successful actor.
______
The Query Box
Bob
– Which way does the wind blow on Tremont street? It makes all the difference
in the world which way you stand, Bob.
I.
I. E. – No, “T.R.” doesn’t necessarily stand for Theodore Roosevelt; it might
mean “tiger”. More often “T – Y” stand for Theodore Roosevelt.
______
Sports Afield
Life is an endless
picture show,
It puzzles me, I vow;
Where we picked
daisies yesteryear
We all go skating now.
______
Lying in Wait
Sportsman
– Confound this gun, it won’t go off!
Companion
– No, it won’t till one of these days when somebody says it isn’t loaded.
____________
Feb.
27, ‘09
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
The Nail on the
Head
“When
you’re building a boat or nailing a box,”
My daddy has frequently said,
“Don’t
wabble your hammer all over the lot,
But hit the old nail on the head.
Don’t
look all around to see what is new,
‘Tend strictly to business instead;
Keep
your eye on the nail, if you don’t want to fail,
And hit it right plunk on the head.”
“If
you’re starting in life upon a new job,
And have a stiff pathway to tread,
Don’t
flounder around and say that you can’t,
But give it a whack on the head.
And
when you are tempted, my son, to do wrong,
Don’t hesitate, feeling a dread;
Just
take your old hammer and give him a slammer
Right plunk on top of his head.
______
Street Primer
Observe
the Teamster.
See
how He sits on his Seat without falling off or becoming Seasick. He can guide
his Horses through Narrow streets without Killing many People. He doesn’t like
to Kill People, but sometimes he Has to.
The
Teamster can Lick the Horses if he Wants to, but if he does the Society with a
Long Name will Talk about him.
Now
he is on the Car Track. He will Stay on the Car Track a Long time. He has no
Train to Catch, nor is he Obliged to get to an Office at a Certain hour.
Will
the Motorman ask him the Get off the Car Track? Yes, he will do More than that.
He will say Things that are Not in the Dictionary, but the Teamster won’t
answer Back because he is Smoking and it would be too much Trouble to remove
his Pipe from his Mouth.
Yes,
we have Lost our Train, but that is no Concern of the Teamster’s.
See
how Firmly the Teamster Grips the Straps in his hands! Wouldn’t our Fathers or
our Mothers have Made good Teamsters?
(P.S.
Don’t try to keep everything Behind you when you Know you can’t keep Ahead.)
______
His Point of View
Jagge
– Wine ish a – a –
Van
Bibb – Mocker?
Jaggs
– No, I don’t mean zhat; wine ish a – a –
Van
Bibb – A what?
Jagg
– A – a corker!
______
He’s Too Scarce
Tommy
– What is a philosopher, pa?
Popley
– A philosopher, my son, is a man who can make it rain on pleasant days and
make it pleasant on rainy days, and can make himself rich and happy when he isn’t.
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“Never
brag uv yewr fish ontill yew git him, an’ then yew must hev witnesses.”
____________
Feb.
28, ‘09
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