JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
Parting
of the Ways
They met beneath
the shades of night,
Out where ‘twas dark and still;
They tried to read
each other’s eyes,
As lovers always will.
He did not hold
her tiny hand,
Or kiss her as he ought;
But ‘neath the
evening star they knew
Just what each other thought.
He spoke to her in
accents low,
She answered him in turn;
The plaintive note
in either voice
Bespoke two hearts that yearn.
And then the
unexpected came,
And parted them, alack!
He swore, she
screamed, then disappeared
Into the night – so black.
He went his way,
and she went hers,
No fond farewell for her;
A bootjack, thrown
from realms above,
Lay where the lovers were.
He went his way, she
went hers,
To loneliness and pain;
Tradition says,
and likely true,
They ne’er returned again.
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“Ef
all the world’s a stage, they’s all the more reason why the stage orter be
elervated.”
______
Plea
of the Singer
I do not ask for
wealth or fame,
Nor honored place amongst the wise;
I do not ask to
have my name
Cut into stone for staring eyes.
I do not care old
worlds to view,
Nor go where go the merry throngs;
I’d like to sit,
sweetheart, with you,
And listen while you sang my songs.
I do not seek to
stir the hearts
Of multitudes as men are want;
I do not wish to
ply my arts,
Or hold up any showy front.
All I would ask is
some remote,
Sequestered nook beyond the throngs,
Where I into your
face could look
The while you sang my humble songs.
______
Pavement
Philosophy
The
coal dealer is a mighty good fellow.
No
use to try to record all the records these days.
Looks
like Indian summer got nipped in the bud.
Don’t
bet dollars to doughnuts unless they are home-made.
Oh,
pumpkin pie, what crimes are committed in thy name!
The
wicked stand in slippery places; how is your understanding?
Have
you staked out your claim “so many feet” above the earth yet?
We
would all be strong if breakfast foods were what they’re cracked up to be.
Free
thought, followed by free speech, often ends up in a free ride to headquarters.
Being
on the milk wagon and being on the water wagon, in some cases, mean pretty
nearly the same thing.
Some
people think that free rural delivery isn’t altogether free – that they pay
heavily in patience while waiting for their mail.
______
Helping Him Place
It
“Reads
like your novel was written for the market,” said the publisher.
“It
was, sir,” answered the nervous young author.
“Suppose,
then, you try some of the Faneuil Hall provision dealers,” advised the other.
______
The
Song That Killed
“You are the star
That guides my way,”
You lead me far
Both night and day.
I follow you
Where’er you go;
Beyond the blue,
Across the snow.
O, distant star,
Draw nigh this spot;
You are so far
You hear me not.
Won’t you delay,
Take me along;
Or let me pay
My way in song.
* * *
O star, no more
I see your light!
The heavens o’er
Are dark as night.
In vain I call
In vain I cling;
Why did you fall
When I would sing?
______
What Some Think
“I
think presidents and mayors ought to stay in two terms, anyway.”
“That’s
what most of ‘em think.”
______
How Disappointing
“Have
you heard the latest?”
“No.”
“I
haven’t, either.”
______
Quatrains
THE
MAINSPRING
(Contributed.)
Vain the illumined
head
And the enkindled
heart,
Unless the
dauntless Will
Performs its destined part.
ACTIVE,
NOT PASSIVE
‘Tis Glory too
slight to endure
The shock of life’s perilous field;
Let the triumph
thy spirit allure
To conquer and never to yield.
______
Cheerful Comment
Going
to have your Baldwins barreled or bottled?
So
many furnaces are overheated on the start.
Fads
and fashions come and go, but affinities go on forever.
So
poets can’t peddle their poems without a license, eh? What an ungrateful
country this is!
What
the average ring follower wants to know is, Is Jeff’s pa doing the fighting or
Jeff himself?
______
No Hurry
The proper way for
Dr. Cook
To get the records left behind him
On Mt. McKinley,
that’s to say,
If he’s really anxious to find them,
Is just to wait
till aeroplanes
Go everywhere gaily chug-chugging,
Then take sky-passage
to the top
And save so much climbing and plugging.
____________
Nov. 1, ‘09
JOCOSITIES
______
By
JOE CONE
______
If
I Had Money Enough
I’d like to take a
trip abroad
If I had money enough;
I would each
worthy man reward
If I had money enough.
I’d buy a brand
new aeroplane,
I’d stop the
rioting in Spain,
And then I’d fly
back home again,
If I had money enough.
The best man would
each office get
If I had money enough;
I’d jail all
scoundrels, you may bet,
If I had money enough.
Plan number one, plan
number two,
Whatever plan were
best for you,
That is the plan
that would go through,
If I had money enough.
Still, after all,
I’m not so sure,
If I had money enough,
That I would help
deserving poor,
If I had money enough.
I might do like
some others do,
Yes, go abroad and
stay there, too,
And give my native
land the “shoe,”
If I had money enough.
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“They’s
two kinds uv people in the world, them you know the day ‘fore ‘lection, an’
them ez don’t know you the day arter.”
______
Elevated Note:
If
the Boston Elevated would publish a Tunnel Book it might be classified as one
of the best cellars.
______
Still Dreaming
If
Booth Tarkinton, the retired novelist and lately installed farmer, ever writes
a poultry book in which he says that there is money in hens those among us who
have been there will know that, after all, he’s still dabbling in fiction.
______
Cheerful Comment
There’s
always something one can “take stock” in.
Now
T. R. is after a “bongo”; will the next be worse yet?
France
is improving; they have blank cartridge duels over there now.
There
are “heelers” and “healers”; the latter usually get the worse end of it on the
long run.
Not
surprising that Taft boat got stuck on a sand bar. The Mississippi wasn’t to
blame, either.
The
Duchess of Marlborough has reversed the order of things. Usually it is the man
of the house who is out when wanted.
______
The
Coal Bin
(Look First on This.)
He’s full of
mirth, he wants to dance,
He lacks no joy that you could name;
He is too full for
utterance,
Because his coal bin is the same.
(And
Then on This.)
He’s full of
grief, he’s in a mess,
He feels as though he’d lost the game;
He’s simply full
of emptiness,
Because his coal bin is the same.
______
Locating the Flies
We
were most awfully surprised a few days ago to learn that an esteemed
contemporary humorist was unable to answer a simple question asked by one of
his faithful readers. The poor, uninformed reader wished to know where flies go
in winter. Never having been to college, he sought information from one who
had. The humorist in question, or we might say, the questionable humorist, who
has heretofore made a stab at answering every question under the sun, and many
besides, admitted in cold type that he didn’t know where flies went in winter.
The question is not a new one; it is older than the hills, plus the dales. Even
though it may be a difficult question to answer in its entirety, we do not think
it ought to be carelessly thrown to one side and given up as unanswerable. It
looks to us as though the humorist had not given much study to the habits of
the fly. We have studied the fly at close range for a good many years, and
have, we modestly assert, found out a few things about him. We have also found
many places where he spends his winter. In other words, the greatest problem of
the fly has at last been solved. Our records are unfortunately not with us just
at present, we having submitted them to a well known Scientific Fly Society,
and some of the evidence we left buried near the locality where we discovered
the fly’s winter headquarters, but as soon as we can get our winter’s wood cut
and a couple of books written, besides giving a course of lectures, we intend
fitting out a rescue expedition, when our proofs will be spread broadcast before
the world. No one having asked us yet where the flies go in winter, we feel
perfectly justified in keeping it to ourselves till the psychological moment –
and the wood is cut.
______
Woman’s Hour
In
Fez, the capital of Morocco, most of the houses have flat roofs with a wall
four to six feet high running around the edges, and here in the early evenings
the women gather for social enjoyment and rest, no men being allowed. This may
sound all pretty in theory, but where do the women get any fun out of it?
______
Worry
and Get There
It is fine to say,
“Don’t worry,”
To smile and never stop;
To never feel a
flurry,
No matter how things drop.
But this is true,
by gory –
The man who
doesn’t worry
Will never reach the top.
______
Coming
“What’s
bothering you, dear?”
“It’s
this gown; while it’s all right for the ball or opera, it’s hardly suitable to
wear addressing a political convention, and yet –”
____________
Nov. 2, ‘09
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
Oysteresque
O,
what care I for cake or pie, or sweetbreads by the ton!
And
costly roast, or quail on toast, I would forever shun;
O,
what care I for bake or fry, or dishes choice and new,
When
every day in my café I find an oyster stew?
I
do not yearn for old Sauterne, nor Port of ’78,
Nor
any drink with cooling clink that’s strictly up to date;
For
what care I if I be dry when I can know right well
I’ll
find each day in my café a dozen on the shell?
O,
not for me a fricassee, a broil or costly plank,
No
salad fine, indeed, for mine, or Roquefort rich and rank;
For
what care I for chicken pie, or game whene’er it comes,
When
any day I can survey a dozen “fried in crumbs?”
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“The
biggest fish allus gits away, but thet don’t lessen the price uv sardine any.”
______
Investors,
Attention?
Radium
is now $2,500,000 an ounce, just 40 time higher than it was at the start. With
this rapid increase in value one is almost tempted to buy up a few pounds as a
side investment.
______
Cheerful Comment
A
landslide is usually the result of loose dirt.
“Lipton
has designers with him,” says a heading. Also designs.
Nobody
is finding fault if the Y. M. C. A. clock did sprint a little.
And
still Mrs. Van Deman wouldn’t want to come under the head of highflyer.
Isn’t
it funny to hear a heavy-weight pugilist tell of the dangers of football?
Another
excuse for not remitting: “Price of registered letters advanced to 10 cents.”
A
good many men don’t register. But on the other hand, the furnace isn’t to blame
for what it can’t do itself.
Isadora’s
dance out in St. Louis is pronounced “beautiful” by one extreme, and “awful” by
the other. Taking these as basis it is probably “just about right.”
______
A Polite Reformer
“I’m
done with politeness on the street cars,” said the man with the usual married-harried
look.
“Why
so?” asked his cheerful companion.
“I’ve
my personal reasons. Last night a woman came in the front door of the car and
stood directly in front of me and hung dejectedly by a strap. After a second I
arose, offered her my seat, following it with a very polite bow. My arms were
full of bundles, and as I was trying to arrange them so I could hold a strap
the car started like a shot out of a gun. I lost my balance and started on a backward
reel and fetched up in a heap on the floor at the rear of the car, flat on my
back, with the bundles on top of me. I must have been very amusing, for the
whole crowd roared and the woman in her glee forgot to thank me for either the
seat or the entertainment. When I got myself and bundles together I found two
vacant seats in the rear of the car which the woman might have had had she
taken the trouble to look.”
______
Question of
Location
“I
tell you, the airship has come to stay.”
“Put?”
______
Gobble. Gobble,
Gobble
Comes
the comforting news again that turkeys are going to be high this fall. Can the “oldest
inhabitant” remember a fall when turkeys weren’t high? It has developed into a
sort of habit, like the annual milk famine and the poor peach crop. Every
summer comes the mournful cry, “On account of the drought there will be a milk
famine.” And then, “On account of the heavy frosts the peach crop will be
ruined.” Every year, however, we have plenty of milk and plenty of peaches, but
of course the prices are high; the reports have had the effect. Just why
turkeys are high every fall we are not told, but we suspect it has something to
do with the gulf stream changing its course or else because the daughter of one
railroad president isn’t on speaking terms with the daughter of another. At all
events turkeys are going to be high, and instead of looking at the approaching
Thanksgiving with something akin to cheer, we dread it as a time when we get
soaked for the benefit of the other fellow. We want to gobble the gobbler, but
in order to do so we must in turn be gobbled.
______
Good Advice
(Contributed.)
Be
saving, oh, be saving;
Let not your nickel go
To
satisfy a craving
For candy – ‘tis your foe.
The
demon lurks to lure you
Into the ranks of crime.
Be
saving, I adjure you,
You soon may have a dime.
Be
saving, oh, be saving,
And as the years go by
Spend
not your cash for shaving –
Your father’s razor try.
You’ll
suffer good and plenty,
But hear it all, I pray;
Perhaps
when you are 20
A quarter’ll come your way.
Be
saving, oh, be saving;
Your coat may show its years,
But
there’s a joy in braving
Your neighbor when he sneers.
On
broken soles be thrifty;
Scorn not a hat with dents –
And
your broken soul at fifty
May be worth thirty cents.
East
Brewster, Mass.
MICHAEL FITZGERALD.
____________
Nov. 3, ‘09
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
The
Death of Autumn
I hate to see the
colors fade,
I hate to see ‘em go;
No more the faces
uv the hills
Hev got their crimson glow.
No more their
tresses, bright ez gold,
Wave in the autumn gale;
Dame natur’s
losin’ uv her looks,
Her lips are dry an’ pale.
I hate to see the
colors fade,
The brown an’ barren hill
Jest fills my soul
with lonesomeness,
An’ gives my heart a chill.
The wintry wind is
but a dirge,
In summer ‘twuz a song;
The birds hev left
fur other climes,
An’ took their joy along.
I hate to see the
colors fade,
Frum red an’ gold to brown,
An’ at each shiver
uv the trees
Go madly tumblin’ down.
The giant trunks
stan’ stark an’ lone,
Deep-rooted in despair,
Like monuments uv
other days
When all the world wuz fair.
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“They’s
allus three letters in the alphybet thet most people like to keep out uv their
daily lesson: ‘I. O. U.’”
______
Book Note
There’s a big
difference between the book bug and the book worm. The book bug lays the book
and then hatches it, and the book worm devours it if he doesn’t get sick after
the first bite.
______
Cheerful Comment
What
will Cleveland do without its Tom Johnson?
The
most unpleasant thing about election is, both parties can’t win.
The
day after one always wonders if there are any of the runners sorry they ran.
No
matter how much applause the chorus girl gets she’s always got a kick coming.
Will
Americans be kept out of the new Chinese hotel in Chicago if they can’t talkee
good chink?
Patrick
Cassidy, the Boston “literary hackman,” left an estate of $3063. There are lots
of literary hack-men who can’t match that.
When
President Taft says that “farm life is best of all,” he ought to know what he
is talking about; didn’t he keep a cow all summer in Beverly?
The
post card craze is rapidly declining in England. ‘Cause why? Well, they can’t
keep all kinds of crazes going at the same time, can they, Mr. Asquith?
______
Wake Up, Doc
Doc. Cook, he may
have found it first,
And gone ahead with all his cinching,
But no one can
deny the fact
That Perry’s beat him on the clinching.
______
Hard Lines
“I
tell you, the young playwright of today hasn’t any show.”
“No;
not even a try-out.”
______
Sticks to Her
“I
can’t bear that Jaynes woman, she is so awfully stuck up.”
“Well,
she can’t help it, dear. Most any girl would be to marry a rich husband after
working in a mucilage factory all her life.”
____________
Nov. 4, ‘09
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
Rural
Advice
“Save your money
and buy a farm,”
A saying old and true;
We heard it when
we were but boys,
And then all our whole lives through.
“Save your money
and buy a farm,”
Ofttimes was said in jest,
But many times a
harmless quip
Conveys a truth the best.
“Save your money
and buy a farm,”
A byword of the
past;
But good advice,
like good intents,
Is always bound to last.
“Save your money
and buy a farm,”
And be king of the soil;
And let your own
estate receive
The efforts of your toil.
“Save your money
and buy a farm,”
Be independent, strong;
Instead of living
out a dirge
Live out a hearty song.
“Save your money
and buy a farm,”
When age seeks your retreat
No landlord in the
cheerless town
Can turn you in the street.
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“It
is in the natur’ uv things thet ef you go out uv your way to do some one a
favor you’ll either git run over or else fall into a ditch.”
______
The Fly Question
Apropos
of the question, “Where do the flies go in winter?” a Hingham correspondent writes
as follows: “In winter many flies squeeze themselves between boards if dry
piles of lumber yards, especially in hemlock piles.” There is something to be
learned here. The above may not wholly settle the question of fly location in
winter, but it gives us a queue as to why lumber is so high. It takes a good
deal of lumber to board and house the entire fly crop every year, It simply
resolves itself into this: the fly output must be checked before lumber will go
down. This matter should be brought to the attention of the 1915 committee.
______
The Obliging
Eskimos
Up
in Greenland where the weather’s never anything but cold
Live
two Eskimos you’ve heard and the stories they have told;
Maps
they drew to show to Perry just how far they went with Cook,
How
they kept so near the mainland they could always on it look.
But
they’ve got another story or will have one soon to tell
When
they’re asked by other parties, then for Cook all will be well;
To
the pole they’ll say they journeyed, and will point you out the way,
If
you’ll give them but an inkling of what ‘tis you’d have them say.
Through
the cold and dreary winter, cosey in their ice igloo,
Sit
the Eskimo “Arpelal” and his chum “I-took-a-shoo”;
While
the friends of each explorer to his rival does the worst,
Hoping
that, with coming springtime, they’ll get there to see them first.
Dorchester. H. E. F.
______
A Look Ahead
“Darling,
will you be mine?”
“Yes,”
she replied, listlessly, “if you will settle the question of alimony now.”
______
Behind the Scenes
Chorus
Girl – Yes, I like the business all right, but I get so tired at the weekends.
Comedian
– Why not try dancing on your hands for a while?
______
Pellagra
I don’t know what
pellagra is,
Don’t want the thing to nab me;
But ef I can’t eat
corn bread, why
Just let pellagra grab me!
______
Only a Slight Mistake
“Heavens!
I thought you said the chorus was made up of girls young and pretty?”
“No;
I said it was made up for girls young and pretty.”
____________
Nov. 5, ‘09
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
Time
Enough
Time
enough fur worry when the time fur worry comes,
Time
enough fur grievin’ when they beat the muffled drums;
Time
enough fur talkin’ when the other chap is through,
Time
enough fur strikin’ when he starts a-strikin’ you.
Time
enough fur quittin’ when your work is re’lly done,
Time
enough fur sorrer when you’ve had a lot o’ fun;
Time
enough fur sleepin’ when you kennot keep awake
Time
enough fur givin’ when you don’t expect to take.
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“It
ain’t very often you’ll find a good argument put up in bottles.”
______
Cheerful Comment
Is
Tammany really the gainer?
It
takes a Frenchwoman to meet French court room tactics.
It
just needed T. R. in New York to tree that money-eating tiger.
It’s
fine to break an airship record, but not one’s precious neck.
But
Dr. Cook wouldn’t “swap” his gold eagles for Lieut. Peary’s gold medal.
As
bad as it was, imitators are not improving any on William Watson’s recent
serpent poem.
If
W. J. B., W. R. H. and J. H. V. keep on they will be able to pull off a good
three-ring circus one day.
Yo
ho! Piracy isn’t dead. A gang of New York swashbucklers boarded the Hamburg-American
liner Prince Joachim recently and captured $50,000 in gold.
______
The Query Box
Dear
Jocosity: I enclothes some versis fore your considerashun whitch you can use at
your regular raites. Do you think a riming dictionary would help me eny? –
Poetess Phoebe.
Dear
Contributor: Your verses are “grate.” The rates we pay for such poetry as yours
are far beyond your fondest poetical dreams. We shall try to run them in some
day when we know the editor is to be out of town. No, Phebe, a rhyming
dictionary would be of no help to you; you can beat a rhyming dictionary at its own
game. What you need is a 49 ct. Webster’s.
____________
Nov. 6, ‘09
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
A
Power for Good
The man who says
the world is wrong,
An’ ruther weep
than hev a song,
An’ says in tones
uv misery,
‘Tain’t nothin’
like it uster be,
An’ says he
wouldn’t trust no more
His life-long
neighbor lives next door,
An’ says they ain’t
no use to try
To git ahead, he’d
ruther die,
An’ home an’
friends ain’t wuth a rap –
What would you
think uv such a chap?
Now don’t git in a
state like this,
Becuz you’re
surely goin’ to miss
An’ awful lot uv
fun each day,
Ez surely ez you do
that way.
This picture isn’t
over drew –
They’s jest sech
folks beside o’ you;
An’ what they need
is daily food
Uv humor in their
solitude.
Don’t let yourself
git right down blue,
An’ think all
things have gone askew;
Don’t b’lieve the
worst uv feller man,
But b’lieve the
very best you can.
Bring friendliness
into the heart
That tries to live
frum you apart,
An’ you will be a
power fur good
All threw your
blessed neighborhood.
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“A
good listener allus hez the credit uv bein’ a very fine talker.”
______
Why is Applause?
Why
is applause? Why do people applaud with hand-clapping, feet stomping and cane
pounding? Why is this noisy and barbarous practice continued? You say, “because
somebody has done something well.” A great many ministers “do something well”
every Sunday. The hard-working mother “does something well” the whole tiresome
week. The faithful school teacher “does something well” throughout school
hours, and the engineer “does something well” when he pulls you safely over a
journey of miles. The doctor “does something well” when he checks your fever
and brings you back to health again. Yet, when these people are applauded it is
done by word of mouth or by letter. When a particularly helpful editorial or an
uplifting verse appears it is applauded, but in a dignified manner. The same is
true of countless other achievements. Wherein does the orator, actor, acrobat
and trotting horse differ from the others when they “do something well?”
______
Neglect
(Contributed.)
The stars that
rise tomorrow
May set in endless
sorrow.
Today do thine
endeavor
Or dare to fail
forever.
Somerville. H. A. K.
______
“Home Rhymes”
“Eddie”
A. Guest is the man responsible for “Breakfast Table Chat,” a daily column of
verse and prose in the Detroit Free Press, and who so is a guest at “Eddie’s”
daily table partakes a feast of wit and humor. He has lately selected a goodly
bundle of (dis) – courses from his large store and has had them bound into a
substantial book which he calls “Home Rhymes.” Aside from being a book of most
delightful verse and clean-cut paragraph, it has this charming and appealing
feature: Every line of type was hand-set by a younger brother, who set up eight
pages, printed them, distributed and “set ‘em up” again. In fact, the youngster
made the whole book, occupying many months, and as a typographical “job” it is
up tp any of them. Speed the coming Guest!
A
quatrain from “Home Rhymes.”
Aunt Mary’s lost
her upper teeth,
The false ones, you surmise;
And now whatever
will she do
To crimp her apple pies?
______
Pavement
Philosophy
Sometimes
money makes the mayor go.
Many
call, but few get Central right away.
One
can have bats in one’s belfry and still ring true.
A
$40,000,000 rubber trust is stretching things some.
It’s
fully as dangerous being a guide as it is being a deer.
Things
should not be what they seem if they are at all unseemly.
Mint
julip, though fine as can be, just got the hook from William T.
A
woman is considered extremely lucky who is pretty enough not to wear a veil.
There
are two ways of looking at a thing: The way you look at it and the way the
other fellow looks at it.
______
Treason in
Milwaukee
Hiccough
is usually caused by a disordered stomach. In ordinary cases a good plan is to
take a few sips of cold water. – Milwaukee Sentinel.
Coming
from Milwaukee, this sounds like treason. What is wrong with the fluid that “made
Milwaukee famous?” – New York Herald.
Ah,
but that’s what causes the disordered stomach.
______
Road Sociability
Drummer
– Wouldn’t your horse go just as fast if you didn’t swear at him so much?
Countryman
– Yep. I guess he’d go jest ez fast, but he’d feel awful lonesome.
____________
Nov. 7, 1909
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
The
Contrary Man
When he was very,
very young
He was considered
sharp of tongue;
His parents feared
to raise his wrath,
And never stood
across his path.
His playmates
always feared the fire
Their opposition
would inspire;
He had a hard time
in the schools
Because he
wouldn’t mind the rules.
He left his home
at early age
While in a
frightful burst of rage;
“No one is going
to haw and gee
Me round this
house or farm,” said he
“I’m going to boss
myself or bust!”
And then he took
the turnpike dust.
He went abroad
with the idea
That he would boss
the hemisphere.
He found good jobs
day after day,
But in the same
old foolish way
He wouldn’t take
his orders, so
Of course he
shortly had to go.
“I won’t allow a
living man
Dictating me,” his
motto ran;
And so he drifted
on through life
Mid poverty and
needless strife.
One day he fell
exceeding ill,
And in the ward
where all was still
The doctor said,
“take this”; he cried:
“I won’t obey!”
and so he died.
St. Peter met him
at the gate
And said, “step
in, you’re all but late.”
But came his old,
familiar cry:
“No man can order
me, good bye!”
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“An
eye-opener in the mornin’ is a good thing, but it hed better be the sun or an
alarm clock.”
______
The Color Line
School
children of Cleveland object to taking up the pink tea course as one of their
daily studies. And they are right; time enough to learn that when they have
reached three score and ten.
______
Defining the Cause
“To
all accounts it’s a pretty rank show.”
“I
don’t know about that; it ran a year in New York city.”
“That’s
the reason.”
____________
Nov. 8, ‘09
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
Joy
Again!
Hip hurrah! It
isn’t so,
Thet report two
days ago,
Theodore way down
an’ out
Ridin’ on a
rhino’s snout;
Knocked into a
jelly raw
By a wicked lion’s
paw;
Flattened like a
worn-out pant
By some
thoughtless ellerfant.
How the message
startled us!
What a time an’
what a fuss!
Couldn’t work nur
sleep nur eat,
Hed to be out on
the street
Where the great
news bulletin
Prints the stuff
that’s cabled in;
Hopin’, hopin’,
evermore
Better news uv
Theodore.
We could spare a
lot of men,
Politicians, word
or pen,
Soldiers, fighters
in the ring,
Men who preach an’
men who sing,
Railway magnate,
theatre star,
But not our ol’
friend “T. R.”
He who furnishes
us full ha’f
Verse an’ joke an’
paragraph.
Let the rhinos, on
my soul,
Capture men who
found the pole;
Let the lions eat
the stars
Who find this an’
that on Mars;
But keep
ellerfants galore
Off our gallunt
Theodore.
Rumor, grim, an’
full uv woe.
Hip hurrah! It
isn’t so.
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“It’s
all right to take the bull by the horns if you know the bull.”
______
Social Item
Not
to be outdone by the society editors of our great dailies, the social reporter
of the “Gungawamp Advocate” sent in the following last week: “Miss Maybelle
Louisa Pickett, the eldest and only daughter of Mr. and Mrs. Hiram Pickett of ‘Four
Corners,’ and graduate of the class of ’07, district No. 3, was united in the
holy bonds of matrimony at high 1 o’clock Wednesday, to Mr. Gabriel Overfoot
Hawkins, a rising young grocery clerk of our illustrious village and graduate
of the class of ’05, Birch Hollow school. Presents were numerous and costly,
but only immediate friends of the contracting parties were present on account
of the bad going. The now Mrs. Hawkins is a direct descendant of Mayflower
stock on her mother’s side.
______
Your
Proof, Man
If you’ve been off
to fish
And caught a mess, now mind,
Don’t dare come
home again
And leave your proof behind.
If you have struck
a vein,
A reg’lar Klondike “find,”
And want to float
some stock,
Don’t leave your proof behind.
If you’ve been off
to hunt
And shot a moose ‘twas blind
Without your good
guide’s help,
Don’t leave your proof behind.
If you’ve been
late o’ nights,
To do your office grind,
And wife says, “Produce!”
Don’t leave your proofs behind.
______
Dish Washing
We
were always told during our youth that it was a fine thing to know how to wash
dishes. We couldn’t see anything in it then, but it is all plain to us now. A
Cambridge dishwasher has been left an income of $300,000 a year, and if we
could only live our life over again how we would make the dishwater fly!
____________
Nov. 9, ‘09
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
Da
Newa Op’ra House
You theenk
baycause I shava you,
Baycause my brother Dan
He salla fruit, da
Dago’s w’at
You calla “low-brow” man?
You theenka wrong,
my noble frand,
Axcuse me for talla you;
But go you Newa
Op’ra House
An’ see w’at Eet’ly do!
Som’ Dagoman he
deeg een tranch,
Som’ salla good bannan’,
Bet een hees heart
he lika art,
Dees humbla Dagoman.
Som’ time he eesa
high-brow, too,
He gatta high as you;
Just go to Newa
Op’ra House
An’ hear w’at he can do!
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“Experience
is a dear teacher, but gen’ly she ain’t the one the av’rige schoolboy fust
falls in love with.”
______
Down to the Core
In
Prussia recently, says an exchange, a burglar was convicted on the evidence of
teeth marks in an apple, which he had bitten during his operations. They never
could catch us that way; we should suspend all burglary operations until the
apple was nothing but a juicy memory.
______
Cheerful Comment
“Pike’s
Peak, Votes for Women” or bust!
Art
and opera all around us and not a thing to wear.
A
heading says, “North Dakota Trials Ended.” A peace-loving people hope so.
Are
you a part of the new party, or merely a party of the new part?
From
a football application is about the only place you get your money back.
Everybody
knew it would come, “aeroplantis.” There’s always a disease to follow a fad.
It
seems almost incredible that John D. had to struggle. Everybody supposed his
way had always been as smooth as oil.
If
Lincoln’s head is on a cent, and Washington’s is on a nickel, then T. R.’s
should go on a silver dollar. At least, that is what some of his admirers
think.
______
Boston 1915
(Contributed.)
Three
suburban visitors at the old Art Museum inquired of the policeman on duty where
they could find the Equal Suffrage Association’s exhibit.
“Equal
Suffrage,” said he; “what’s that?” Explanation followed.
“Lord, how you puzzled me,” said he; “I thought you were looking for one of them ‘oligies,’ when all you wanted was ‘Votes for Women!’”
______
A Mistake
(Contributed.)
A Chinaman cut off
his long queue
And put on some
clothing all nueue;
Then to China he went
But away he was sent
To wait till
another one grueue.
H. A. K.
______
Training Snakes
for Business
In
connection with the story sent out from Ontclair, N. J., that a snake had been
killed there which yielded up $3.92 in coin, comes the interesting question
whether a snake couldn’t be trained to go out and find money. This particular
reptile had hunted round and found one half-dollar, eleven quarters, fifteen
nickels and two coppers, a fine nest egg for a rainy day. This snake might be
called well-off, as snakes go, still doing a good business, with a fair surplus
in its treasury. Its chief difficulty would have been when it wished to draw on
account. On second thought, we don’t see much advantage in having a trained
snake for the purpose of picking up loose change. It would have to be killed in
order to get at its receipts, and then after it was dead it would be a failure
as a collector.
______
That’s So
“They
keep building fire escapes larger and more easy of access.”
“Yes?”
“And
still, you never heard of fire going out that way.”
________________________
Our “Lady of the
Snows”
(From
Life.)
A solitude speaks
to a nation,
A Queen sends word from her throne;
“Daughter am I in
my father’s house,
But mistress in my own.
The gates are mine
to open,
As the gates are mine to close,
And I set my house
in order,”
Says Our Lady of the Snows.
____________
Nov. 10, ‘09
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
Abner
the Satisfied
Said ol’ Bill
Jones, the grocer man,
To Abner Pickett, ‘tother day:
“Why don’t you git
a runabout
An’ hev a little style, I say?
You could come
down an’ git the mail
In ha’f the time you do it now;
Ef I hed ha’f the
means you’ve got,
I’d hev a runabout, I vow!”
Said Abner
Pickett, then, to Bill,
“Ef I wuz only rich ez you,
I’d hev a dozen
clerks in here,
An’ hev a head bookkeeper, too.
I hev to run-about
the farm,
I’m jest ez busy ez kin be;
I chase the hens
an’ chase the cows,
Thet’s runabout enough fur me!”
Said ol’ Bill
Jones, the grocer man,
“Why don’t you git an airship, hey?
Then you could
sail above the town,
An’ look down on the common clay?
Ef I had money,
same ez you,
No one to s’port but gal and wife,
Considerin’ how
cheap they be,
I’d hev an airship, bet your life.”
Said Abner Pickett,
then, to Bill,
“Ef I’d a grocer store like you,
I’d sell airships
an’ runabouts,
An’ trolley cars an’ warships, too.
My gal’s just back
from boardin’ school,
She’s got a title, or degree;
When she sails
out, her college hat
Is aeroplane enough fur me!”
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“Don’t
give up too easy, onless you are facin’ a cocked revolver.”
______
Dumpson Calls
Again
Dumpson,
our pessimistic friend, Dumpson, the bachelor, bitter and unchivalrous, dropped
in for a few moments yesterday.
“It’s
a fine morning,” we ventured.
“It
would be fine if it didn’t rain,” he returned, weariedly, “But , do you know,”
he continued, while his hollow eyes swept the length of Mason street, “the
weather isn’t the only thing that is sadly out of order? Gad! If it were, this
existence could be tolerated.”
“What’s
aground now?” we asked meekly.
“Well,
I was just thinking of aviation. Men have no business to be fooling away at
that. Men are all right for the heavier things like building subways and
dredging harbors, but aviation is purely woman’s field.”
“Woman
has no advantage over man, except that she is lighter in weight,” we ventured.
“Woman
has a decided advantage outside of all
that,” he declared.
“Explanations
are due.”
“Well,
because she is so flighty by nature,” sighed the cold-blooded pessimist.
______
White Sails
(Contributed.)
A childish grief
to rapture grew
As, at my mother’s knee,
I sped across the
waters blue
White sails at sea.
Manlier trials now
I know,
Yet returns that early glee
If memory whispers
low:
“White sails at sea.”
Somerville. H. A. K.
______
More Snake
My
Dear Jocosity: About that snake in New Jersey. I am pained to see that you give
credit to his snakeship for being a thrifty financier, for it is evident that
he was well filled with dishonesty, unless “findings is havings.” Here is the
account”
One
half dollar……………………….$0.50
11
quarters…………………………… 2.75
9
dimes……………………………….. . 90
15
nickels…………………………….. .75
2
coppers……………………………... .02
____
$4.92
Where
is the other dollar, if he collected the above amount and only disgorged $3.92?
Do you think he is a worthy example to hold up to the rising generation? It is
hardly up to your former high moral standard.
“OLD HONESTY”
My
Dear “Old Honesty”: Do you suppose this snake worked for nothing? Don’t you
suppose he had to eat and dress? He took the dollar, which was his commission,
and spent it. Even a snake has to have running expenses.
______
Henry’s Followers
“Give
me liberty of give me death!”
“Patrick
Henry was a great man; he has followers by the thousands.”
“Indeed!
Among the orators, statesmen and patriots, I suppose?”
“Well,
more frequently among the great mass of mis-mated.”
______
Some Thin
Marry
my daughter? Why, you young upstart, you couldn’t support half a wife!”
“Well,
sir, if you figure width she isn’t much over a quarter.”
__________________
Emotion
[By Richard Watson Gilder in the Atlantic
Monthly.]
In each pure rose
of art, - earth’s richest dower, -
Lives an emotion
molded to a flower;
In every soul that
wins through valorous strife
Trembles emotion
moulded to a life.
Nov. 11, ‘09
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
The
Right Track
Are
you upon the right track, my friend,
Are you running
upon the right rail?
The
way it is long and the pace is swift,
And you want to be sure of the trail.
Don’t
open the throttle and give her steam,
Through the day so bright and night so
black,
Unless
you are sure your way is secure,
Unless you’re upon the right track.
The
track that is right is the track that’s clear,
Be sure it is the one you choose;
No
head-on collisions to throw you off,
And no signal lights to confuse.
You
will have up-grade and down-grade, my friend,
Through ledges and tunnels so black;
But
you can just fly like a bird a-sky
If you are upon the right track.
The
rails of life they are right and left,
And they lead you to right and wrong;
They
are up and down, they are in and out,
And the run it is hard and long.
The
station, Reward, is the terminal
For the engine that never turns back;
There
is joy for you when your train is due,
If you’ve made it upon the right track.
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
The
man whose nose is on the grindstun hain’t got much time fur pokin’ it into
somebuddy else’s bizniz.”
______
“Of All Sad Words”
In
running over the figures anent campaign expenses one might truthfully say, “Politics
come high, but we must have them.” The saddest part of it all is, however, that
some are forced to say, “Politics come high, but we don’t get them.”
______
As
Time Goes On
The bride and
groom
Of yesterday,
Now have a room
And board to pay.
And they’d be
glad,
And think it nice,
If they but had
That wasted rice!
______
Pavement
Philosophy
Do
it now, or be done.
The
Thanksgiving turkey is an aeroplane.
The
real book lover is usually the one who writes it.
The
very best way to get on in life is to get a move on.
A
man should be proud to earn his own living if he is living right.
There
is many a slip between the fruit stand and the railroad station.
Nobody
will ever see your little joke in quite the same way you see it.
If
your friends give you away they must regard you as being pretty cheap.
If
everybody had room according to their strength the average hobo would be
accorded the whole of out0of-doors.
______
The Sundial
(Contributed.)
I had a watch,
that sometimes went,
I got it at a “guessin’”;
I also got the
time that way,
There’s no use not confessin’.
But often when out
hoein’ crops,
And holler as a ladder,
I’d set my hoe
just plumb upright,
And reckoned by its shadder.
And gen’rally I
got it close,
‘Twixt feelin’s and the hoe, sir;
And knew how near ‘twas
twelve o’clock,
When t’ dinner horn ‘u’d blow, sir.
Melrose. T.
F.
______
Getting By
Hank
Stubbs – Airshippin’ will be safer than the other kind, anyway.
Bige
Miller – How so?
Hank
Stubbs – Waal, when they wanter pass they kin go out round, duck or jump over.
______
Nip and Tuck
He
– I wouldn’t marry a girl who put on false hair!
She
– And I wouldn’t marry a man who would put on a false front!
______
A High Course
He
– Do you believe in the higher education for girls?
She
-
Oh, my, yes; I’m taking lessons in aviation already.
Oh, my, yes; I’m taking lessons in aviation already.
____________
Nov. 12, ‘09
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
Holdin’
Up the Mail
(A Protest from
Gungawamp)
“Them
college games, football an’ sech, an’ rowin’ races, too,
Are
jest the right an’ proper things fur them who’ve been all through
The
bloomin’ things, fur them who go to college an’ the like,
But
I’ve an idee it is time fur quiet folks to strike
Ag’inst
the interferunce uv the traffic hereabout
A-holdin’
up the local trains, an’ puttin’ people out;
‘Cuz
ev’ry time they hev a game our trains git in a state,
An’
we are inconvenienced ‘cuz the evenin’ mail is late.
Last
year I know the rowin’ match ‘tween Harvard an’ ol’ Yale
Jest
raised the very dickens with our usual evenin’ mail;
We
waited at the office say frum six to nine o’clock,
Becuz
the specials crowded all the locals in the block.
We
stood an’ waited hour by hour becuz a score uv boys
Wuz
rowin’ on the river midst a lot uv fuss an’ noise.
An’
things we said warn’t compliments to Harvard nor to Yale
Fur
keepin’ us so late at night a waitin’ fur the mail.
Perhaps
we didn’t git no mail, no letters, anyway,
But
still, we might hev had, an’ so you see, we had to stay.
We
don’t propose to hev our mail a-layin’ overnight
Becuz
a lot uv college boys are startin’ up a fight.
Guess
not! This year we’ve been to see Charles Mellin, president,
An’
asked to hev the specials held, an’ hev the locals sent;
We
don’t propose, year after year, to set around the same,
A-waitin’
fur our mail becuz they’ve hed a football game!
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“Ef
somebody wants to ride a free hoss to death it would be better fur all
consarned to give him a cheap autymobile.”
______
A Mistaken Idea
Don’t
think because the average chorus girl is pretty that she necessarily lacks intelligence,
because a good understanding is necessary if she is to perform her work
satisfactorily.
______
Cheerful Comment
President
Taft is going some!
A
student is the way you look at him.
“Old
Grad” and “Fair Co-eds” will meet tonight.
Beware
of “Red Widows”; blondes are perfectly harmless.
Clock
campaigns are timely, and right on the dot.
Another
week and poorer Boston may see its Art Museum.
The
story of Edward A. Trevallyan, the near-millionaire dishwasher, is turning out
to be dishwater.
If
a man with a cork leg can rob an express car, what could a man with solid
underpinning do?
Naturally
the fellows who have a strong preference for “Old Jamaica” are moistening their
lips and waiting anxiously for any word that may come from that strangely
silent island.
______
Cigarettes
Included
“A
smokeless oil stove is a fine thing in a cold room.”
“Yes;
they just kill all the other disagreeable odors.”
____________
Nov. 13, ‘09
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
The
Great American Novel
We
have waited for its coming with a patience fair to see,
We
have dreamed about it nightly, in a more or less degree;
We
have urged our fellow-writers to sit down and grind it out,
And
our hopes and plans and pleadings they have all gone up the spout.
For
a man who isn’t busy ‘tis an easy thing to do;
There
are plots and local colors almost everywhere in view.
Why
some one does not produce it is most hard to understand,
When
the world is waiting for it with the money in its hand.
Ah!
This great American novel, it’s been long upon the way;
Oftentimes
one thinks he’s hit it, but he’s always been astray.
There
is something that he misses, something lacking, sure as fate,
And
we’re more than disappointed, and again we wait and wait.
But
perhaps the fault lies deeper than the mighty novelist;
Maybe
he can’t produce it with his Indiana fist.
Why
this novel isn’t written maybe, we would humbly state,
Is
because this new-born country is too brilliant and too great!
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“The
wise burglar takes ev’rything into consideration fust, an’ the loot afterwards.”
______
Pavement
Philosophy
The
play’s the thing if it’s a game.
There
is always a man higher up.
Then,
too, there is the pessi-optimist.
Clothes
do a lot for some people. and ruin some others.
There
wouldn’t be so much alimony if there were more alibi.
Some
auto traps are not noticeable, while some others are pretty noisy.
When
some women don’t figure well it is on account of the figures.
Many
a happy youngster will be able to tell you who has the north pole on Christmas
morning.
No
wonder the enemies of Dr. Cook are on nettles while he is in hiding; they fear
he might bob up with another pole.
______
Buncoed
“No,
me good woman, I didn’t come fur nut’n’ ter eat; I knowed me job better’n dat.”
“What
did you come for, then?”
“Jest
ter tip you off ter w’at de woman down de road is sayin’ about you.”
“Well,
what does she say?”
“She
says dat your cookin’ is so plum bad dat even de hoboes can’t eat it.”
“She’s
just right, they can’t; move along!”
______
The Late Crop
Hank
Stubbs – Chestnuts are awful wormy this year, ain’t they?
Bige
Miller – You be’n readin’ them funny papers, too?
______
Useful Indeed
“Of
all the useless cads, that Jonesly is the limit!”
“O,
I don’t know; he always has a match about him.”
______
It Did Sound Funny
“That
was an awful joke your wife sprung.”
“I
didn’t hear it.”
“Well,
shortly after you were married she told my wife that she’d taken a flat, but
might leave it at any time.”
______
The Signal
(Contributed.)
The gun that
signals sunset
Comes booming o’er the sea;
Tonight, we solemn
listen,
Tomorrow hence may be.
We wait another
signal,
Across another sea;
We listen, and we
listen,
That signal sets us free.
Somerville. H. A. K.
____________
Nov. 14, ‘09
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
The
Joy Hunter
He was a mighty hunter and he sallied
forth to shoot,
And
all the game it trembled through the forest far and wide;
He must have been a hunter, for he wore a
hunter’s suit,
With
gun of latest pattern hanging downward at his side.
The squirrel hid in terror, and the
partridge flew away,
The
rabbit skulked to safety ‘neath the ruined old stone wall;
The duck stayed in the heavens where a
shot could never stray,
“Bob
White” stayed under cover and would answer not his call.
He wandered over meadow and he roamed
across the lea,
And
tramped the forest faithfully until the close of day;
And during all his wanderings, no victim
did he see,
Not
once the mighty hunter brought his weapon into play.
And did he curse his folly, did he rail at
lack of game,
And
shoot at something friendly just to vent his hunter’s spite?
No, sir, he thanked his fortune that he
didn’t kill or maim,
Enjoyed
his woodland journey, and was rested come the night.
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“Some
folks, ef they can’t be the biggest tud in the puddle, hope the puddle will all
dry up.”
______
One Thing Leads to
Another
“I
tell you,” cried Mrs. Votehunter, “we will never stop until we have a woman
President.”
“If
you would only stop there,” said her husband, “we would be satisfied, but you
won’t. Some of you will want to be speaker of the House, and that will necessitate
a cigar in the corner of your mouth.”
______
That Trained Snake
Dear
Jocosity – I read your interesting screed about training a snake to go out and
pick up loose change, and think the idea a good one, but, like everything else,
it might be carried too far. The ordinary snake is not much above the human
being in morals, and once it got a taste of making money there might be no end
to its effort to obtain coin. For instance, it might climb porches and through
open windows at night, and go through one’s trousers’ pocjets as they hang
gracefully over a chair back. Confidentially, I believe this method is pursued
more or less in my own household, during the midnight hours, and were trained
snakes to enter the field where would we be in the morning?
Malden. “ALARMIST.”
Dear
Jocosity – You said you thought training snakes to pick up loose change would
be unprofitable because one would have to kill the snakes in order to make them
cough up. Now I don’t think so. If snakes could be taught to collect coin they
could be taught other things. Why couldn’t they be taught to stand on their
heads and shake down the change to the mother earth who gave it?
Winchester. “NATURALIST.”
______
College Fed
What makes the
full-back look so queer?
His habits would belie it;
It is because he’s
kept, I fear,
Upon the pigskin diet.
______
Cupid’s Blindness
If Cupid had a
grain of sense
He’d surely try to find out whether
His income would
match her expense
Before he ties two souls together.
______
Cupid’s
History
First sight,
Delight.
Engaged,
Caged.
Married,
Harried.
Divorce?
Of course.
Judge, stony –
Alimony.
______
Accounting for His
Change
“Did
you have anything up on the game?”
“Yes;
that’s why I’m so down.”
______
Did It Pay?
(A
Contributed Limerick.)
In England a bold
suffragette
On a ballot box
acid upsette;
Her effort was foiled,
Her best dress was spoiled,
And she’ll be in
jail a month yette.
H. A. K.
____________
Nov. 15, ‘09
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
Margaret
Illington
“I’d rather sit
when comes the night
And darn his socks
by candlelight,
Than be an
actress, all the rage,
Upon the shallow,
tinseled stage.”
Thus sang a maiden,
loud and clear,
So all the list’ning
world might hear;
Thus said the histrionic
pet,
The fair and
graceful Margaret.
“Let me darn
socks, and cease to rant
In Shakespearean
or Cohan cant;
Let me my darning
needle ply,
And croon a
twilight lullaby.
No more for me the
wild applause,
The big bouquet,
or dome hurrahs;
The household
broom, the simple life,
For me the loved,
domestic wife.”
And who will say
that she is wrong?
Who’ll not applaud
her twilight song?
The stocking
darner, if you please,
Is great as any
one of these;
The home is in the
loving heart,
And not the
corridors of art.
Sing high, sing
low the household pet,
The fair and
graceful Margaret.
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“The
man who ain’t up with the birds ain’t up with what he orter be.”
______
Cheerful Comment
“ , he also ran.”
The
barefoot boy is also barefoot burglar.
“Uncle
Joe” has a ball team added to his battery.
All
we can say to Dartmouth is, “Come again, boys.”
Men
may come and men may go, but mayors go on forever.
If
the “fat man’s offer” at the Park could be postponed a little we’d make a bid
for it.
Thank
you. just the same, but personally we don’t think a humorist would make a good
mayor.
Ella
Wheeler Wilcox says the cemetery is a blot on Nature’s face. Nature has worse
than that, Ella.
The
youngsters are getting active; Lyman Gage to wed at 73, and Uncle Joe Cannon
the owner of a baseball nine.
What
is the use in trying to work up to be a “good gray poet,” anyway, when one’s
birthplace brings but $1250 to the highest bidder?
______
Bige Won’t Change
“They
kin advertise the 1915 movement all they hev a mind to,” said Bige Miller,
looking up from his paper, “but when it comes to keepin’ good time I’ve kerried
a Swiss fur over thutty years, an’ I ain’t a-goin’ to change movements now.”
______
Playful Willie
(A
Shipboard Tragedy – Contributed.)
When
playful William Henry, with a howl of boyish glee,
Threw
cunning Baby Annabelle into the deep, deep sea,
She
made a dandy little splash; then vanished ‘neath the waves.
Now
Willie’s heart is filled with pride, but mamma raves and raves!
Boston. – EPH KAY.
______
Eggs Come High
Miss
Lillie Sutton, a white woman of Ocean Springs, Miss., has been sentenced to seven
years in the state penitentiary for stealing five eggs from a neighbor. This is
paying a higher price for eggs than even we have been obliged to pay in Boston
for several weeks past. One year per egg would have been an exorbitant penalty,
but she gets a fraction more than that. Usually we are not enthusiastic about
the poultry business, but if one must have eggs we believe it is cheaper to
keep hens than to steal the fruit thereof. Lillie, as we get the news, was a
property owner, and therefore could have kept hens had she so desired. In good
hen weather a pair of industrious biddies would have kept her wants supplied
with nice, fresh-laid eggs, while those purloined from a neighbor one can never
bank on. Eggs come high no matter how we get them, but Lillie, of course, took
the most expensive way of all. To the layman, on general principles, we would
say, “Don’t keep hens,” but if you must have eggs at any price we would advise
you to have a layout of your own.
______
Eskimo
Bill
No more the
sweltering President,
When summer comes around,
Will have to seek
a cool retreat
On some far distant ground.
For in his offices
at home,
The latest papers state,
He’ll have, by
artificial means,
An igloo up to date.
______
The Adv. Does It
“The
motion is made that the ladies do their Christmas shopping early and often.”
“The
motion is not seconded by any of the husbands and fathers.”
“But
it is carried just the same.”
____________
Nov. 16, ‘09
JOCOSITIES
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“Man
is known by the comperny he keeps, also the borrowed books.”
______
The Artist
(Contributed.)
An artist went
down on the quay,
And painted a view
of the suay;
Which his friends much admired,
And though no one inquired,
Many wondered just
what it could buay.
Dorchester. H. A. K.
______
Eph Declines
Hiram
Hutchins – Hope your boy Eph ain’t on one uv them college football teams?
Abijah
Perkins – Not much; Eph got ketched under a team roller once an’ he knows how
it feels.
______
Jam and Cookery
Dept.
“Watch
your cellar closely,” says a farm paper. “That’s all right,” remarked the
mother of seven growing children, “but it’s more profitable for me to keep my
eyes on the pantry.”
______
Cheerful Comment
One
day nearer “beautiful snow.”
Isn’t
“Preventum” just as good?
“The
play’s the thing – to keep one young.” – L. R.
Hope
the Spokane apple growers got their barrels right end up.
Football
is bound to “go,” but not in the way some people think it ought.
Dr.
Cook’s Thanksgiving offering starts for Copenhagen on Nov. 25.
And
only a few weeks ago we thought we couldn’t live without baseball!
One
of the sure signs of prosperity is the fact that there is so much “money
wanted.”
Gov.
Hoch of Kansas, at a meeting of the New England Woman’s Club, announced himself
in favor of woman’s suffrage. What else could he do under the circumstances?
______
“Facilis Est
Decensus”
(Contributed.)
If you would climb
to heights of fame,
Once started, don’t give in;
But round by rounf
the ladder mount
Until the goal you win.
Foot firmly placed
on lower round,
Strive daily and mount higher;
To reach the
topmost round of all
Let it be your desire.
The, having
climbed up to the top,
Hold firmly on, I pray;
Or “Facilis Est
Descentus,”
You’ll find to your dismay.
Lynn. – Elsie L.
____________
Nov. 17, ‘09
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
“The
Lazy New Englander”
(“I think a Bostonian or New Englander is the laziest
person on earth” – N. C. Fowler, Jr.)
O, come now, most
ungracious Nat,
What do you mean
by saying that?
You know the
statement isn’t true
Unless the same
applies to you.
Why, Boston is the
busy hive
That keeps the
hemisphere alive.
Shame on you,
saying things like that;
The people think
you’re Nervy, Nat.
Have you forgotten
Johnnie F.?
Or are you dense
and blind and deaf?
The man who took
his mayor’s degrees,
Immortalized his
three big “B’s,”
Who gave all city
drones the snub,
And set things
spinning round the hub?
What have you now,
sir, to say to that,
O, breezy, bluff,
disjointed Nat?
If you would see
activity
Come round where
active people be;
No doubt – and we
have heard it said,
Things in your
blacksmith shop are dead.
Don’t judge New
England, nor this town,
Because YOUR boots
are fastened down.
Cheer up! Don’t
sing us songs like that,
Or we will think
you’re peeving, Nat.
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“It
frequently hap’ns in teamin’ thet the hoss sorter be up on the seat, an’ the
driver gittin’ the the tail end uv the lash.”
______
Pay Your Debts
“Pay
your debts,” says Elbert Hubbard, the light of Aurora. By “debts” Elbert means
anything you happen to owe the butcher, the baker, humanity in general, or for
any Roycroft books that may have been sent to you unsolicited.
______
Financial Note:
It
might be said of the New York business man, whose liabilities are $12,021 and
whose assets are but one small dog, value not given, that his affairs have gone
to the bow-wows.
______
John’s Clever
Scheme
Mrs.
Meeker – John, it is 2 A. M., and you are just getting in; where in the world
have you been all this time?
John
– I found, my dear (his), I had a lot o’ them “fake dimesh” in my (his) pocket,
sho I staid outsh (hic) till I could getsh rid of ‘em.
______
The
Sausage War
The papers say
we’re going to have
A sausage war; dear me!
I can’t imagine,
on my soul,
Such great calamity.
I don’t believe
this commonwealth,
Where peace and wisdom teem,
Is eke so near the
bow-wows as
A sausage war would seem.
Nay, give us peace,
and sausage, too!
O, battle, stay thy hand!
Break not the
links that bind us close,
Part not our sausage band.
O may the bark
exceed the bite,
And may the barking cease;
Dog-gone the jaw
that howls for war,
O, sausage, rest in peace!
______
The Pike
(I
Go A-Fishing.)
Multiply
a four-pound pickerel by eight and you have a pike. This torpedo-shaped plunger
is found in large lakes and rivers because there wouldn’t be room for him in
small ones. Walton is strangely silent on the pickerel, but Webster, who wasn’t
much of a fisherman, comes to the rescue and assures us that the pickerel is a
small pike. If that is true, then the pike must be a large pickerel, which we
have often contended, but which many anglers won’t admit. There isn’t much new
to be said about the pike, except that he lives in the water most of the time,
and is the piker of his race. The most important thing about pike fishing is to
be exceedingly careful of your property when in pike country, as he is a noted
glutton, and any little thing like a watch and chain, handbag or rubber boot
lost overboard he will readily swallow and claim as his own. Children taken out
of pike fishing trips should be firmly lashed into the boat, since a hungry
pike is no respector of baits.
The
most puzzling thing about pikeology, or pickerelitis, whichever it may be, is
to tell where the pickerel leaves off and the pike begins, and vice versa. We
have had many an otherwise happy fishing day spoiled by not knowing whether we
had landed a small pike or a large pickerel, and until we have a way of finding
out the real truth in the matter, fishing along the lilypads for us will never
be what it ought to be.
____________
Nov. 18, ‘09
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
Uncle Ezra Says:
“Some
folks keep their umbrel’s up a long time after the rain is over fur the puppus
uv coaxin’ symperthy.”
______
A Clean Sweep
A
Washington county (Pa.) woman is said to have deserted her husband, taking all
the household effects and five head of cattle, leaving nothing for her husband
but an old mule. A few days later the mule kicked the man, causing his death,
and now the neighbors are wondering if the woman won’t come back and take the
mule.
______
Cheerful Comment
The
cold wave made a clean sweep.
A
$100,000 head doesn’t grow on every trunk.
Sir
Thomas would better stick to the cup that cheers.
Let
us hope his “Rah, rah, rah” will be worse than his bite.
There’s
snow on Mars already, so you may take comfort in knowing it’s on the way.
And
it came to pass that “Elijah” returned his flock to the Shiloh pastures.
Wellman
is glad he didn’t find the pole. Dr. Cook is glad also that he (Wellman) didn’t
find it.
It
looks as though the “Don’t Marry” girl would have to change her advice to “Marry
as often as you can.”
______
Good Fishing
Don’t
worry about that Hope diamond, it will turn up again before many fashionable
seasons have passed. A fish will swallow it, and then some enthusiastic press
agent will land the fish.
______
His Opportunity
“Oh,
Tom, you mean old thing! I’ll never speak to you again as long as I live!”
“Then
I shall be only too glad to make you my wife!”
______
Putting Him Right
“Dearest,
will you take me for better or for worse?”
“You
mean for short or for long, don’t you?”
______
Declared Off
(Contributed.)
A rich girl who
lived in Dubuque
Once became
engaged to a duque;
When he found her old man
Had no cash in the pan,
The affair it
wound up in a fluque.
Dorchester. H. A. K.
____________
Nov. 19, ‘09
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
Play
the Game
If you’re on the
football team
Play the game;
While the others
sit and dream
Play the game.
Play the game from
first to last,
Play it strong and
play it fast;
Play it like a master
past,
Play the game.
If you’re on the
team of work
Play the game;
Do not hang around
and shirk,
Play the game.
Take an earnest,
snappy lead,
To your coach give
plenty heed,
Don’t let laggards
stop your speed,
Play the game.
If you’re on the
team of right
Play the game;
Let the weak ones
feel your might,
Play the game.
Put some kindness
in the play,
From the square
don’t go astray
Then you’ll win
the mighty day,
Play the game.
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“People
who live in glass houses must expect to be seen ef they don’t pull down the
curtains.”
______
Cheerful Comment
Fish
must be in the swim.
Don’t
sail under any false colors today.
Soldiers
of mis-fortune, that Cannon and Grace.
Winter
is near, and even the auto is shaking in its shoes.
“Dust
thou art to dust returneth,” but O, Harvard, make a goal!
At
the same time, there will be a good deal more kicking outside the Stadium.
Just
because they have a football game out in Cambridge in the afternoon the police
don’t see any need of repeating it several times in Boston during the evening.
______
Football
(The
game as it was played. Contributed.)
He made a run
around the end,
Was tackled from the rear;
The right guard
sat upon his neck,
The fullback on his ear.
The centre sat
upon his legs,
Two ends sat on his chest;
The quarter and
the halfback then
Sat down on his to rest.
The left guard sat
upon his head,
A tackle on his face;
The coroner was
next called in
To sit upon his case.
– “AN OLD SUB.”
Massachusetts
avenue,
______
Musical Hens
Calling
hens by means of singing the hymn, “Come Ye Sinners, Poor and Needy,” is the
proud accomplishment of a Harwich widow. It is said that they will respond to
none of the usual calls for meals, but the moment their mistress opens with the
hymn they come sprinting from all directions. Without a doubt this woman has a
wonderful voice, and may later be heard in grand opera. Debutante’s night was
instituted, we believe, for worthy candidates. We suggest that the Harwich
woman try some of the easier operatic airs on the biddies, and if they take
kindly to them to pack up and come at once to Boston. The main trouble with a
great many professional singers is that their voices have never been tried on
hens.
______
A Quatrain to
Football
“Rah, rah, rah,
rah, rah, rah rah!
Rah, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah!
Rah, rah, rah,
rah, rah, rah rah!
Rah, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah!!!!”
____________
Nov. 20, ‘09
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
Shakespeare
and the Pole
Said ol’ Bill Jones, the grocer man,
To all the
list’nin’ “ring,”
“Don’t know ef Shakespeare writ them
plays,
Or someone
else, I jing!
What diffrunce is it goin’ to make
To clear the
matter up?
They can’t reward the writer now
With no big
lovin’ cup.”
“‘Twon’t make no diffrunce here to home,
‘Twon’t make
no odds to him;
He’s dead an’ gone, an’ praises now
Would be
most awful slim.
The time to find out who is who,
An’ who done
this an’ that,
Is when the parties are alive,
An’ folks
know where they’re at.”
Said ol’ Bill Jones, the grocer man,
“They kennot
prove it now;
What made ‘em wait 300 years?
It’s foolish
anyhow.
The time to fix sech questions up
Is right
upon the dot;
Ef I hed b’en alive them days
I’d fixed it,
tell y’ what!”
Said Abner Hawkins then to Bill,
“Ef you’re
so all-fired smart
At findin’ out sech things ez these
Why don’t
you try your art
On myst’ries uv the presunt day?
Find out who
found the pole!”
An’ the Bill Jones, the grocer man,
Knowed he
wuz in a hole.
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“Stick
to the farm, but don’t necessarily, when you are away frum home, let the farm
stick to you.”
______
A Forced Habit
The
barber had just returned from a fishing trip, and had brought home a fine
string. A little later he was out back of the house, armed for the purpose of
cleaning them. He had the largest of his catch about half “scaled,” when he
stopped suddenly and asked: “Does the razor hurt you?” Receiving no answer, he
looked, wondered and then awakened to his real occupation. But this old force
of habit wouldn’t down, for by the time he had the fish nicely shaved he
unconsciously came out with: “Face massage, sir?”
______
Pavement
Philosophy
It’s
a long face that has no smile.
Love
makes the world go round with its arm in a sling.
Yes,
even a boiler maker may hammer at the door of fame.
It’s
a poor rule that won’t work any way you want it to.
The
reason some people don’t make a good showing is because they show too much.
Choose
the lesser of two evils, but always dodge both of ‘em if you can.
The
wit of the average after-dinner speaker is usually crowded out with other good
things.
The
road to success may be paved with good intentions, but most travelers find the
intentions are more or less bumpy as they go along.
______
The
Wise Old Turkey
Turkey roostin’ in
the tree
Jest ez high ez he
kin be;
Been up there a
week or more,
Feelin’ discontent
an’ sore.
Feelin’ shaky,
‘cuz he knows
Ol’ Thanksgiving’s
pretty close.
“Gobble, gobble,” loud,
says he,
“You can’t git me,
no sir-ee!”
Farmer goes an’
gits his gun,
Thinks he’ll hev a
little fun;
Turkey hollers, “Hi,
don’t shoot,
I’ll come down,
you big galoot!”
Turkey comes down
with a grin,
Pale an’ weak an’
worn an’ thin;
Farmer says,
disgusted ‘bout:
“You ain’t fit to
eat, git out!”
______
Fine Consideration
“Have
you congratulated Pickett on his marriage yet?”
“No;
fact is, John always avoided gloomy subjects, and long ago I learned to respect
his wishes.”
______
They Wear Well
“O,
you men are so lucky; your styles seldom change.”
“That
is because the styles we adopt are so sensible we don’t have to change them.”
______
Early Training
“You
don’t rise and offer your car seat to the women any more?”
“No;
I’m trying to get them educated up to being men amongst men.”
______
A Toss at the
Tankard
(Contributed.)
A glimpse of the
blue sky, with a wiff of the sea,
A toss at the tankard of Nature for me;
God granting me
these, with love in my heart,
I ask not companion, nor counsel, nor art.
I live in that
passionate lover, the Sun;
Clouds ride the air, ships sail the sea.
Counsel, or art,
or friend will I none,
If Nature my lover and sweetheart will be.
Somerville. H. A. KENDALL.
____________
Nov. 21, ‘09
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
The
Man Who Snores
There’s the man who tells us stories,
Oft
recounting all his glories
When he pitched upon the diamond, winning
laurels for his team;
When he was a noted punter,
Or
a most ferocious hunter,
Or the trophy winning angler when he
fished the swirling stream.
There’s
the man who tells us riddles,
Or
the man who poorly fiddles,
All of whom we fain would christen as lot
of daily bores,
But
the worst, in our opinion,
In
the blessed whole dominion,
Is the man who rooms below us with his
deep sonorous snores.
We
can stand the cricket calling,
We
can stand the caterwauling
Of the melancholy pussies as they
ventilate their cares;
And
the milkman on his mission
Doesn’t
alter our position,
Nor the late, 2 A.M. boarder who comes falling
up the stairs.
But
there ought to be an island,
Some
far-distant low or high land,
Just a wild, secluded region miles beyond
our quiet shores,
For
that offspring of perdition
Who,
beyond the thin partition,
Fairly penetrates the welkin with his deep
resounding snores.
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“They’s
allus a big waitin’ list fur Somehin’ to turn up.”
______
Political Note
James
J. Storrow, candidate for mayor, smokes long, black cigars, as small round as a
lead pencil. This is the first smoke of the campaign. If mere “smokes” are to
be a feature in Boston’s future political life, then we want to know what the
other fellows smoke, and right away.
______
Cheerful Comment
Pigskin
done now, let us think of the turkey.
When
carpenters strike they cease to strike, too.
Airshipping
is folding its wings for the season.
Gargling
oil is in great demand by football enthusiasts.
Don’t
smoke the band on your cigar, then blame the dealer because the cigar “runs
bad.”
Man
is still mistaken for deer. He will have to put on hirns and walk on all fours
to escape the careless hunter.
______
Swapping Stock
I have no horse or
buggy now,
Not even cow or goat;
I had to sell them
when I bought
My wife a pony coat.
______
Good Reasoning
“The
time to save is when you’re young.”
“That’s
all right, but a fellow doesn’t earn anything until he gets well along, and
then it costs more to live.”
______
He’s Willing
Mrs.
Meeker – John, would you really care if I should vote?
Mr.
Meeker – No; not if you voted the way I wanted you to.
______
The Oyster
(“I
Go a-Fishing.”)
Whether
an oyster is a fish or a nut depends on his immediate location. His shell would
indicate that he is a nut, and a hard one to crack. Water being his only
beverage makes him strong for the fish. Years of intimacy with the oyster,
however, both in his native element and on the table, has convinced us thusly:
If he is at the bottom of the sea, swimming round to his heart’s content, with
nothing to do but eat, drink and be merry, then there is no good reason for not
supposing him to be a fish. If, on the other hand, he is piled up in your
cellar, waiting to be tapped with a stone hammer or squeezed with the
nut-cracker, then there is no special reason why he should not be called a nut.
Of course, the average angler is very much peeved at the oyster because he won’t
take a fly or chase a trolling spoon, and therefore won’t admit that he should
be classed with the game fish of America, but many a man knows that the oyster
is game is he once gets a reasonable hold of one’s finger or cute little toe.
The
chief virtue of the oyster is his reluctance to calling any attention to
himself by loud talking or making a splurge. He goes through life as quietly as
possible, and if he had his way would never come to the surface either of the
sea or in the white-livered, homemade stew. For all the aesthetic angler looks
with cold disdain upon the fighting qualities of the oyster, yet he is always
glad to see him at the head of a tempting bill of fare, where, it can’t be
denied, he always leads the most gamey fish by several laps.
____________
Nov. 22, ‘09
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
Enter:
Buckwheat Pancakes
No more for us the
morning mush,
The sawdust or
baled hay;
No more the bacon
and the egg
Of some long, bygone day.
No more the patent
flake or shred
To be our morning fate,
The frost is on
the pumpkin now,
The buckwheat on the plate.
Each season brings
its crowning joy,
Spring, summer, winter, fall,
But winter, with
its morning feast,
Just beats ‘em one and all.
Back to the pines
with toast and hash,
They’re lame and out of date;
The frost is on
the pumpkin now,
The buckwheat’s on the plate.
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“It’s
a mighty poor man who says he lets his roof go unshingled so his prayers will
git to heaven easier.”
______
Cheerful Comment
Admiral
Schley should keep out of the chorus.
If
President Zelaya makes up faces at Uncle Sam he must be spanked.
What
is a 27-pound turkey, anyway? A pair of ‘em would hardly fill the Bill.
It
must be that some people are putting on storm doors and windows to keep the
heat out.
Of
course, if you stay in the city you won’t be shot by being mistaken for a deer,
but you may be mistaken for a lamp post by a chauffeur and run down.
______
Poets of the “Tongue”
William
Watson, the noted English poet, included in his recent volume, “New Poems,” a
pepperish piece of verse entitled, “The Woman with the Serpent’s Tongue.” It
was a pretty strong poem for Will; unusually strong. So much so in fact that
people both sides of the water sat up and took notice. If Kipling had dashed it
off nobody would have been amazed, but when gentle Will Watson brought it out
it almost gave the literary world heart failure. Whether the poem was founded
on fact, or merely some woman in particular, the world doesn’t know, and that
is why it is kicking, principally. Richard Le Gallienne, who used to write good
poetry, long before he settled in this country, took it upon himself to answer
Watson’s poem with one entitled “The Poet with the Coward’s Tongue,” calling
Will down considerably severely, and though Dick’s poem didn’t contain one-half
the number of volts that Will’s did, still the latter when he read it, took
exceptions to Dick’s careless use of the English language, and is coming over
here to “settle” the affair.
Poetical
circles have been fearfully prosy for a long time, and if this “affair” can be
pulled off successfully there will be great rejoicing among the idle
pen-pushers, and the Nicaraguan and Jeff-John differences will be obliged to
take next-to-the-wall seats for a time at least. Weapons to be used, so far as
we can learn, haven’t been decided upon, but we have strong hopes of being
called in as a second for one or the other of the contracting parties, and in
such an event we will insist upon fountain pens at four paces, loaded with
diluted printer’s ink.
______
The
Soubrette
How doth the
little gay soubrette
Improve the dazzling chorus?
By smiling on the
front row vet
And kicking up before us.
Long live the
busy, chic soubrette
To ever dance before us;
To her we owe a
lively debt –
She partly hides the chorus.
______
Well and Happy
(Contributed.)
He raced for the
Vanderbilt purse,
They thought he’d
next ride in a hurse.
Her care pulled him through;
Then what did he do?
Why! Of course he
married the nurse!
Dorchester. H. A. K.
______
The Portly Poet
“What
has become of the old-time, gaunt attic poet?”
“He’s
moved down to the first floor front now, and is dictating to his stenog.”
______
Working Along
The
teacher came up behind two little girls who were working industrially.
“What
are you doing?” she asked the first.
“Some
sums.”
“And
you?”
“Sums
some.”
____________
Nov. 23, ‘09
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
Welcome,
Spring
O, spring, will
you excuse us, please,
For ev’rything we’ve writ
About the winter
and the fall –
We’ve made a mess of it.
We got our dates
mixed up, you see,
We thought the fall was due;
Instead of
springing winter songs,
We should have sung of you!
You see, we
followed calendar
And old-time almanac,
And thought for
sure ‘twas wintertime,
But now we take it back.
Hail spring, most
beautiful and fair,
Hail springtime, soft and sweet!
Hereafter we will
have a care
And not get off our beat.
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“To
the victor belongs the spoils, an’ a good many times they sp’ile the victor.”
______
Our 1915
Senator
Flint, who has just returned from the great diggings, predicts that the Panama
canal will be opened in 1915. It is very evident that the men in charge haven’t
heard that we have selected that particular year for our big time here, and we
hereby wish to inform them that we don’t want any Gatun dam interference with
our plans.
______
Pavement
Philosophy
Every
one has his “third degree” some time.
The
punster should be handed over to the gunster.
Why
is a joke? It isn’t, one time in a thousand.
Saving
up for a rainy day always seems to encourage cloudy weather.
A
man is best known by the company he keeps putting off.
A
little humor, by the way, is better than a big display.
The
rounder is so because he gets his corners knocked off.
In
order to get the early worm some men think it necessary to go out the night
before.
______
Bige Miller
Writes:
“We learned a
goodly thing or two
Right here upon the farm;
A cocktail on the
fence won’t do
No livin’ soul no harm.”
______
There They Go
Again
“Jack
thinks his fiancé is a jewel of the first water.”
“Everybody
is remarking how awfully thin they think she is.”
______
Washing Off
Suspicion
Old
Hobo – Well, say, w’at are yer washin’ yer mitts fer – tryin’ ter kill de fish
in dis brook?
Young
Hobo – No ‘tain’t dat; but I ain’t goin’ ter run no chances o’ bein’ took fer a
Black Hander, see?
______
Going Some
Albert
A. Kendrick of Los Angeles called on his sweetheart, in Wilmington. “twenty
miles away,” daily for thirteen years. Not counting in leap years, he has
Sheridan beaten 4744 times, history having failed to mention that Gen. Phil
made the dash more than once. Before the days of the bicycle Kendrick made the
daily journey on horseback; then, finding the horse too slow, he mounted his
wheel and flew to his loved one on wings of air. (Explanation: Tires filled
with air.)
Next
a trolley line connected Kendrick’s native city and Wilmington, when he found
his lovemaking easier; so easy, in fact, that the novelty arising from the
hardships was over, so the couple were married Nov. 18. In all, Kendrick
travelled about 189,800 miles, and never skipped a day out of the thirteen
years. To the many couples who fall in love at first sight, and “do it all up”
in a week, these figures must seem astounding; but they are, nevertheless,
healthy. The least that can be said about Kendrick is, he knew what he wanted,
and went after it until he got it.
______
Refused to Start
Anything
(Contributed.)
Arthur
and I were up to the electric show the other afternoon, and we saw many
wonderful things, and as we were wandering about I noticed a sign that said: “If
you want to know who is boss around here, start something!” I supposed they had
John L. on a leash, or Henry Cabot, or, perhaps, Uncle Joe Cannon; but there
was not anything in sight but a mild, stoutish, pink, middle-aged lady. But I
didn’t start anything – I was afraid of a shock. I have known just such
innocent-looking appliances that carried about 20,000 volts.
____________
Nov. 24, ‘09
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
Thanksgiving
For all the
blessings of the year
We here give thanks;
And for the slate
that’s clean and clear
We here give thanks.
We’re thankful for
the clothes we wear,
The health that
stands the wear and tear,
And for the things
we do not care
We here give thanks.
Because ‘tis now,
and we are here,
We here give thanks;
Because the turkey
is so near,
We here give thanks.
We’re thankful
we’re dyspepsia free,
And for the goodies
that we see;
And for our great
capacity
We here give thanks.
Because we didn’t
find the pole
We here give thanks;
Because we weren’t
mining coal
We here give thanks.
We’re thankful we
are far from great,
That we are not a
candidate
For mayor well –
at any rate,
We here give thanks.
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“Them
who ain’t got no turkey to eat today orter be thankful thet they ain’t got it
to pay for.”
______
Cheerful Comment
Now,
altogether: “Gobble, gobble, gobble!”
After
all, the wishbone’s the thing.
Y
– ou M – ust C -ontribute, A – lso.
Not
many would want that Astor risk.
If
business is poor, prod your press agent.
Moral
– Don’t keep a pretty housemaid.
Zelaya
mustn’t think of shooting Uncle Sam’s way.
This
is the day the boy takes kindly to the dressing his father gives him.
Vandals
have stolen Vice-President Sherman’s gavel. Can’t he make a hit without it?
Left-over
turkeys shouldn’t feel slighted; they will have another chance next month.
A
German bank won’t give up Abdul Hamid’s $3,000,000. We wouldn’t without a
small-sized revolution.
Annette
Kellerman has been arrested for speeding, but as yet she hasn’t lost any costly
jewels.
It’s
hard enough to be mistaken for a deer, but to be mistaken for a common house
cat and shot to death is close to the limit.
They
are playing in New York “Is Matrimony a Failure?” The stage people themselves
ought to be able to answer that question right off the reel.
______
Bige Miller Says:
“A
headin’ in the paper says, ‘$100,000 for Tuberculosis.’ Pussonally, I wouldn’t
give a cent fur it.”
______
Hard to Raise
It’s not because
our faith is lame,
The reason we don’t flew;
If we could raise
the wind we claim
We’d raise the airship, too.
____________
Gratitude
(By
Henry Van Dyke in “The White Bees.”)
“Did you give thanks for this? – or that?”
No, God be thanked
I am not grateful
In
that cold, calculating way, with blessing ranked
As
one, two, three and four – that would be hateful.
I
only know that every day brings good above
My poor deserving;
I
only feel that in this road of Life, true Love
Is
leading me along and never swerving.
Whatever
girts and mercies in my lot may fall,
I would not measure
As
worthy a certain price in praise, or great or small;
But
take and use them all with simple pleasure.
Nov. 25, ‘09
____________
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
The
Night After
‘Twas
the night of Thanksgiving when all through the flat
Not
a creature was stirring, not even the cat,
And
Johnnie lay sleeping upon his small cot –
He
might have been dreamless, but then he was not.
He
saw in his vision a table piled high
With
sauces and dressing and pudding and pie,
And
there in the centre, upon a long plate,
He
saw himself lying in elegant state.
He
was browned to a turn and was stuffed for a king,
With
his legs in the air, while each arm was a wing,
And
he tried to turn over and dash from the place,
But
he couldn’t move muscle, much less win a race,
And
a dozen big gobblers sat there in a ring,
And
they pecked at his legs and they dug at his wing;
He
tried to call “father” and “mother,” in vain,
While
they still kept their pecking and causing him pain.
At
last, with an effort, he made a big slash,
And
off from the table he went with a crash,
And
when he awakened, his parents both said:
“Good
lord, John Augustus, can’t you stay in your bed?”
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“Even
a cat nowadays, in order to git threw life successfully, hez got to keep right
up to the scratch.”
______
Fish and Frogs
Dear
Jocosity: Is a frog a fish? After watching one jump into the water last summer,
and stay there hour after hour, I concluded it to be more of a fish than
anything else. Still I may be mistaken, and appeal to you, who I understand
grew up beside the water. – Rod and Reel.
Dear
Rod and Reel: Don’t jump at conclusions; that is a trait of the frog itself,
and what is the result? He makes a fine frogs’ leg dinner for somebody who
doesn’t even care whether he is a frog or a fish. When the frog is under water
he is mostly a fish, but when he comes out and sits on a lilypad and jumps at a
piece of red flannel he is neither fish nor frog; he is a fool. Thus you see he
varies considerably, according to location. He starts in by being a frog, turns
to fish, is later a fool and finally becomes a delicacy. You are right;
Jocosity grew up beside the water and was in turn a frog, fish and a fool
perhaps, but never having jumped at conclusions he never became a delicacy.
______
Old Times Revived
The man who gets
adown his neck
A slushy ball of
snow
Forgets the time
HE was a boy.
So many years ago!
____________
Nov. 26, ‘09
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
Mr.
Weatherman
O, Mr. Weatherman,
we pray
Please pull yourself together,
And give us, if
but for a day,
A steady stretch of weather.
If you are bound
to wet us, please
Send it as though you meant it;
Don’t let it
drizzle, halt and freeze
The way you’ve lately sent it.
O, Mr. Weatherman,
behold
The way we shake and shiver;
Today we perish
with the cold,
Tomorrow not a quiver.
O, send two days
alike, to rout
Your legendary tether;
Can’t you
prescribe one week without
Ten kinds of Boston weather?
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“The
highest uv some men’s ambition is goin’ down sullar.”
______
Cheerful Comment
Hereafter
turkey is “real food.”
The
expected Thaw turned to a freeze-out.
T.
R. may be picking dandelions, but we are not.
Deer
hunting is great this fall, the woods being full of human game.
Mrs.
Pankhurst blames girl students for those “outbreaks.” Students of suffragitis?
Jeff
is telling how he entered the ring; it remains for somebody else to tell how he
will leave it.
A
R. I. man died after drinking a pint of bay rum. Another argument for the
tonsorialist against every man being his own barber.
Now
that a French scientist can resurrect the bark after a dog is dead, it is up to
somebody to try to do the same thing with the bite.
A
San Francisco judge names “hookworm” as
a possible cause for divorce, following a wife’s declaration that her husband
was “slow, lazy, languid,” etc. As a rule, however, the cause for divorce is
too much speed.
______
The
Wishbone
Were I to wish,
sweetheart, with you,
I’d wish for
summer skies, and blue;
I’d wish for love,
and lonely ways,
A soft guitar and
roundelays,
A sheltered nook,
a placid stream,
A light canoe and
eyes a-dream.
But since the days
are cold and drear,
And summer hours
are gone, my dear,
I’ll wish for
something nearer by,
Which your fair
hands can well supply:
I’ll wish, to make
my meal complete,
For one more piece
of turkey meat.
______
Conundrums from
the Press
(Contributed.)
Why
is Standard Oil like a Friday night amateur? Because it’s got the hook.
Why
didn’t Harvard score in that flirtation with the Yale damsel? Because she was
too coy.
Why
is the Committee of One Hundred and Fifty like an epileptic patient? Because
they fear they’ll get the Fitz.
Why
are the provisions of the kitchen table Thanksgiving morning like the Danish
scientists? Because they are waiting for Cook.
Why
is a steamboat, that leaves her dock and is overtaken down the harbor by a tug,
like the sugar trust? Both got under weigh; both were caught on the weigh.
How
are the 1915 Exhibition and the aeroplane alike? Both are for the uplift.
H.
E. F.
______
Unartistic Criticism
Artist
(proudly) – I am taking this view from nature.
Spectator
– I don’t believe nature will miss anything.
____________
Nov. 27, ‘09
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
Wild
Days on the “Crick”
Wintry winds jest
blow an’ screech
Down the long an’
narrer reach,
‘Twixt “Mt. Tom”
an’ “Otter P’int”,
Thrashin’ hemlocks
out o’ j’int,
Drivin’ ducks an’
geese afar
Where the
sheltered places are.
“Lizzard Crick” on
days like these.
Ain’t no furnace,
ef you please.
Turkles they hev
left the logs,
Bunkin’ deep down
in the bogs;
Not a single sign
uv life
Where in summer
all wuz rife.
Frogs hev
burrered, cold an’ glum,
with their frosty
“jug o’ rum”;
Mushrats in the
medders, too,
Each one deep in
his igloo.
“Lizard Crick” in
summer time
Is a poet’s
jeweled rhyme,
When the lazy
ripples run,
Dancin’ in the
golden sun;
But, O, Lordy! Days
like these,
She’s no furnace,
ef you please,
An’ we dodge her
icy ways
Settin’ by the
hick’ry blaze.
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“Waitin’
fur dead men’s shoes hez put many a man on his uppers,”
______
Pavement
Philosophy
Spraying
would be good for some family trees.
The
grades outside of Easy street are hard to make.
The
slower success comes to you the longer it will stay by you.
Opportunity
doesn’t knock any more; it merely presses the button.
Sometimes
in going out of your way you get into someone else’s.
There’s
no reason why a smile should come off; it’s the grin that should be
obliterated.
Don’t
hitch your wagon to a flying machine unless you are fond of pretty fast going.
Experience
is a dear teacher, and yet we are told the best way is none too good for us.
The
self-made man usually does a good job, but sometimes doesn’t take care of it
afterward.
Love
may make the world go round, but what some folks would like to know is: What made
it so round in the first place?
______
The Father of
Lightning
The
boy was writing an essay, and was just starting to read it to his mother, when
the father stepped in.
“Had
it not been for Benjamin Franklin, the world “
“Don’t
mention Ben Franklin’s name to me!” roared the old man.
“And
why not?” asked the boy.
“Had
it not been for Ben Franklin, thet cussed lightnin’ rod agent never would hev
stuck me fur forty-odd dollars some few years ago,” said the old man
sorrowfully.
These Young Politicians
It
has remained for Lawrence to disclose one of the many practical reasons why
women should refrain from fooling with that dangerous article known as the
ballot, when it is “loaded.” Women of that progressive city vote every three
years for members of the school committee, and it is necessary that they
register each time. The registrars have noticed with alarm that many of the
fair voters grow no older between the three-year periods. In fact, some of them
grow younger as time pursues its relentless course, and this pretty deception
is going to make all kinds of trouble for the fair ballot casters, as well as
for the registrars and candidates. If the fair suffragelles (a combination word
from suffragist and gazelle) practice such cruel political methods thus early
in their progress toward complete emancipation, how can they expect us to look
for any improvement in the order of things when they attain their “full
majority,” as they hope and expect to do? Truthfulness is the first step toward
ideal politics, and while boys may be boys ever, girls can’t be girls all their
days when dealing with the relentless registrars.
______
According to
Damages
“What’s
the difference between a militant suffragette and the ordinary one?”
“Anywhere
from one to seven months’ sentence.”
______
Activity, Etc.
(Contributed.)
“Activity
isn’t everything,” says Uncle Josh. “The hornet is exceedingly active, yet he
is never very popular, possibly because everything he says or does has too much
point to it. On the other hand, the setting hen is of a quiet, retiring
disposition, and at some periods of her career is noted for her inactivity. Yet
she accomplishes a great deal – if the eggs are good – and has the respect of
the whole community. Therefore I say again, son, that activity isn’t
everything, especially if it is not wisely directed.” A FRIEND.
Tremont,
corner of Mason street.
______
Tale
of the Stung
When I was living
on the farm,
With nature’s heart attune
From ev’ry kind of
evil there
I felt I was immune.
I was the friend
of snakes, and round
The hives of bees I hung;
And though I gamboled
on their ground,
I seldom e’er was stung.
How different is
life in town,
Where now I spend my days;
I think I’m wise,
and up to date,
Immune from bunco
ways.
But O, these busy
human bees,
How sharp of wit and tongue!
No day I caper
close to these
But what I’m smartly stung!
____________
Nov. 28, ‘09
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
The
Best of It
When the morn
wakes overcast
And loneliness is
vast,
Make
the best of it.
If
the birds refuse to sing,
If
the bells of joy won’t ring,
Make
the best of everything,
Make
the best of it.
Nature
has her crying spells,
Joy
can’t always ring its bells,
Make
the best of it.
Make
the best of daily life
When
despondency is rife;
Good
will come out of the strife,
Make
the best of it.
Hearts
must know their share of pain,
Life
must know a little rain,
Make
the best of it.
Make
the best of ev’ry day;
Future
morns won’t be so gray.
Fight
the gloom that clouds your way,
You’ll get the best of it.
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“It’s
the little things thet make a man great.”
______
Felt Sorry for
Him.
Hank
Stubbs – I hear the savin’s bank over to Putney wuz robbed las’ night.
Bige
Miller – Don’t see how you kin ‘zacly call it robbed, when the burglars took up
a little collection ‘mongst theirselves an left
it fur the cashier.
______
Bobbie Was Right
Robbie
– They say there is nothing new under the sun.
Bobbie
– O, yes there is.
Robbie
– What is?
Bobbie
– There’s a new baby over to our house!
______
A Literary
Calamity
Imitation
may be the quintessence of flattery, but purloination is a different breed of
felines. At one time we thought Shakespeare the only real sufferer from
literary piracy, but alas! we find ourselves being gradually forced into the
immortal William’s class. In the Herald of Sept. 16 we published a little cold
classic entitled, “Twelve Little Eskimos,” a 24-line poem accounting for the
scarcity of pole viewers on the fateful day when Peary ascended to the summit
of Mt. Creation, and on Oct. 16, the Boston Courier published the same, verbatim,
crediting it to “S. W. Gillilan in the Chicago News.” We don’t think for a
moment “Stric” Gillilan did such a thing; he isn’t that kind, and, besides, he
doesn’t have to. But somebody did, however, and we purpose to find out even if
we have to outfit an investigating expedition.
In
the December number of Young’s magazine we find a quatrain entitled “Revised,”
that slipped off our pen some few years ago. We don’t say that “Walt” Pulitzer
plagarized this quatrain; there’s a strong chance that two men might dress a
four-line thought in clothes just alike, but you see, it is unfortunate because it is likely to
bother future generations, as in the case of Shakespeare-Bacon, as to who wrote
the great quatrain, Pulitzer or Jocosity!
______
Resurrection
(Contributed.)
Make
me a bed, soft, sweet and fine,
In
thy best chamber, sexton, mine;
Glad,
pure and fragrant let it be
Warm,
social, friendly, fearless, free.
Thou
canst not? Horror! Toss me then
One
night in yonder charmel’s dismal den;
But,
Lovelord, to assuage the clinging sorrow,
Wake,
O wake me early on the morrow!
____________
Nov. 29, ‘09
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
If
I Was Boss Round Here
(Thought out by the
office boy.)
I wish I was the
boss round here,
Things wouldn’t be as they are now;
I’d have a better
atmosphere
Around the office, anyhow.
I wouldn’t have
the best dressed clerks
Come in most any time of day,
And then the one
who really works
Put in more hours at smaller pay.
I wouldn’t ‘low
the help to speak
About the owners as they do,
And say the boss
he is a “freak,”
I’d punch their noses black and blue.
I’d have two
office boys instead
Of one to do the work I do;
And then he
wouldn’t be so dead
Before the long day’s work is through.
I wouldn’t let
each dopy guy
Maul our stenog’ the way they do;
But I would let
the office boy
Talk to her when he wanted to.
Perhaps I will be
boss someday,
If I just work and never shirk;
And then I’ll fire
them clerks away,
And me and her will do the work.
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“A
little knowledge is a dangerous thing, an’ too much is of’un fatal.”
______
Trying to Sting
the Deacon
It
is said that a New Jersey deacon will have to stand trial before a church
committee because, it is alleged, he
used “cuss” words upon an innocent mare that was being stung to death on the
way to church. It developed that hornets had nested under the deacon’s
Sunday-go-to-meeting wagon, and when half way to church they objected to
leaving “the old farm” and got busy with the old mare’s hindquarters, and that
the deacon, in standing position, went sailing past the house of worship,
yelling and saying unkind things about the mare, unmindful of the true cause of
her sudden activity.
Of
course, the deacon is wholly to blame. He should have turned his wagon upside
down before starting for church to see if any foreign matter was underneath.
But, inasmuch as he failed to do so, when the old mare kicked up and lit out,
he should have said: “Please Peggy, what’s the matter? Don’t caper so, I
beseech you; it is Sunday, and people will talk.” This failing, he should have
jumped from the wagon, refusing to longer associate with such fast company. Or,
when at last he discovered that the hornets were urging his faithful mare
along, he should have nobly thrown himself between the attackers and the
attackee, and taken the brunt of the bitter stings like a good deacon. But to
have called his mare names, or said anything detrimental to the hornets was
exceedingly ungentlemanly, and he should be punished to the full extent of the
unbending tribunal, as he undoubtedly will be, if we are to believe the papers.
______
In
Winter Quarters
The north winds
blow,
And we shall have snow,
What will the
airship do then, poor thing?
It will rest in the shed
With a bag on its head
And get ready to
fly in the spring, poor thing.
______
Punished
(Contributed.)
A boy stole his
father’s Perique,
Thought he’d learn
to smoke in a week;
But the pipe made him sick,
And the boy got
the stick,
Now he’s feeling
both humble and wique.
Dorchester. H.
E. F.
______
Cold Absorbers
“Do
you think those fur coats are really much warmer than the other kinds?”
“They
ought to be; they ise up a whole lot more cold cash.”
____________
Nov. 30, 1909
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