Jocosities, May 1 - 20, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

“Good Morning”

     There’s the man with a slouch,

     And the man with a grouch,

And the man who has nothing but bitter and scorning;

     But the man who’s worth while

     Is the man with a smile,

The man who comes in with a cheery “good morning.”

     There’s the man who’s led down

     With the weight of the town,

Whose countenance care is forever adorning;

     But the man who is prime

     Is the man who has time,

To distribute about him a cheery “good morning.”

     O, the work of the day

     Seems a bit more like play,

And the words of prophet seem less like a warning,

     When the persons we meet

     In the office or street

Give us just a wee smile and a cheery “good morning.”

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“The best way to take spring meddercine is not too seriously.”

______

Scientific Note

A sure drunk cure – Let it alone.

______

Our Neighbors

Cy Warman and his bouquet of entertainers captured Boston and the Intercolonial Club Friday night. The “Grand Trunk Trio,” Messrs. Warman, Charlton and Giles, are a strong team and always hand out something worth while. Cy is secretary of the American Press Humorists and is to lead that organization amid the beauties of Canada next August, and, reciprocity or no reciprocity, the boys are all up for Cy and his railroad.

______

Pavement Philosophy

Fire is a bad trail blazer.

Doing your duty is not in doing others.

There’s no fool like a try-to-be-a-fool.

Sometimes spot cash means some other spot.

A sorehead is most always its own fault.

Consistency is a jewel all right, but so few people wear jewelry.

It’s a wise father who knows his own share of the gas meter’s figures.

The man who dares to do right doesn’t dare to do otherwise, and doesn’t want to.

When two hearts beat as one, it is a pretty safe bet that one has the other beaten.

Don’t fool with a gun that isn’t loaded, and don’t let anybody else do it.

If you don’t practice what you preach, it is a pretty good sign that you are not a fit preacher.

“Laugh and grow fat” is good advice, but just as soon as people try it to any extent some one will put up the price of laughs.

______

Coming!

How sweet to our ear is the song of the skeeter, when fondly we crawl into bed every night, the welcome, the blessed, the musical skeeter, the soft, soothing skeeter we hear with delight. Some talk of the plague of the summer mosquito, and try, with a curse, to give him a slap; but we think he is cute, and his song is so sweet O, we long for his presence while taking a nap. The blessed muskeeter, the welcome muskeeter, the soft, soothing skeeter who guardeth our nap.

______

Thoreau

(Contributed.)

One protestant-at-large has Massachusetts had,

     Thoreau, idolater of untrammelled man;

With hot burr-wit and prickly genius clad,

     Homo unharnessed and roughshod, he ran

Conventions most astounding, shocking lad.

     Leisure he loved, and nature’s burdenless plan,

     Mean serfdom scorned and smote it with his ban,

Bound to be self and sane, though all the world mad.

To nature boon, but cavalier to human kind,

     He comraded with trees, and skies, and clods;

Freedom the mistress of his conscious mind,

Wisdom the goal to which his being drew,

     Convinced his thought, lived out, was not his, but God’s,

And resolute that Heaven should find him true.

     Somerville.           H. A. KENDALL.

______

A Quick Cat

(Contributed.)

Some years ago the proprietor of a hotel in southern New Hampshire told the following story: He said that when he was a boy he had occasion to go into the garret of his house one morning and that the family cat followed him up the stairs. One of the windows was open, and when they entered the garret a frightened mouse jumped out of the window, and the cat, jumping after it, caught it in mid-air and, whirling round, jumped back again into the same window.                         H. V. L.

Boston.

____________

May 1, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

In Apple Blossom Land

                        I.

O, to be there again today,

     And holding her small hand,

Out where the apple blossoms sway,

     In apple blossom land!

‘Twas there I saw her years ago,

     ‘Twas there I saw her stand

Beneath the tree as white as snow,

     In apple blossom land.

                      II.

Her gown was soft and pink and white,

     And hung in folds enow;

She looked as though she were a sprite

     Dropped from the apple bough.

And apple blossoms filled her hair,

     And lay upon her hand;

But she, the fairest blossom there,

     In apple blossom land.

                      III.

O, years! O, love! Where hast thou fled?

     The apple blossoms fall,

And fruit bends down from the bows instead,

     Is plucked, and that is all!

But let me see her stand once more,

     And hold her little hand,

‘Neath shower blossoms as of yore,

     In apple blossom land!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Clothes may not make the man, but they make a big diffrunce in his feelin’s.”

______

Sporting Note

If practicing for a prize fight interferes with fishing, then give up the practice.

______

Musings of the Office Boy

It don’t pay to not pay what you orter.

It’s a wise tongue that knows when not to answer back.

If I believed what everybody told me I wouldn’t believe anything.

Fallin’ in love looks to me like a fall from common sense and usefulness.

I never could see any need of holdin’ a long hand while takin’ down shorthand.

Did you ever notice how awful sweet a stenog’ can be when she wants to borrow an umbrella or the price of a lunch?

______

Cheerful Comment

The farmers don’t propose to be milked.

A paintless Sunday comic is more apt to be painless.

Anyway, nobody can say Weston was “helped” by an automobile.

Mayor Howard is certainly in line as “the poor man’s candidate.”

A germless kiss has been discovered. No fun ordering by mail, however.

John Carter, the oet, wrote himself out of jail, and now Ethel Boyakin, a California girl, has sung herself to freedom. Any way to get out!

______

Not Substantial

Poet – Apropos the high cost of living beef, I have a poem here on a vegetable existence.

Editor – It wouldn’t go with our readers.

Poet – Wouldn’t go?

Editor – No; I’ve read it carefully and there’s no meat in it.

______

Those Insurgent Elephants

(Contributed.)

((Elephants broke loose from a circus in Danville, Ill., Speaker Cannon’s home town. – Press dispatch.)

The elephant’s a wise old beast,

     Or good at imitation;

He shows intelligence at least

     On current legislation.

To Congress why not send him, then,

     To represent the nation;

He seems to know just where and when

     To make a demonstration.

For when the show stopped at the town,

Danville, their destination,

They knew why it had gained renown,

And showed their estimation;

Broke loose from all their bonds and fled

     In every which direction,

Refused to be restrained or led,

     Insurged against protection.

It might the speaker bring to terms,

     And hustle legislation,

To make progressive pachyderms

     A Congress delegation.

For now it’s recognized by all,

     Even a quadruped,

The “interests” have had a fall,

     And Cannonism’s dead.

     Boston.                           H. E. F.

____________

May 2, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Hard Pushed

(After “Col.” Bill Lampton, otherwise known as W. J.)

Say!

W. J.

Lampton, I

Don’t want to try

To follow in your footsteps, see?

But things are going bum with me.

My hand seems to have lost its cunning.

Since, day after day, I go a-gunning

After ideas and verses to bring me fame,

But day by day I don’t get any game.

The cow of poesy won’t give down –

A strike is on in Boston town,

Not only with the men who grow the milk,

Middle-men, contractors, and all that ilk,

But the goddess Muse seems to refuse

To pay her dues, and so the blues

My poor, poetic path pursues!

And so, old Lampy, every time

I get stuck for decent rhyme,

I take up this see-saw gait

You’ve worked so well of late

And hammer out some stuff,

Along the line of bluff

Which seems to fill

The bill; and still, Bill,

I hate to walk

On your line of talk,

But have to at times

To get rhymes

To fill

My face

And space,

Bill!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Sometimes it is pleasing to be discouraged, but it ain’t healthy.”

______

Dairy Note

It is almost time for somebody to try to account for the milk in the cocoanut.

______

Cheerful Comment

Is Weston an also walked?

Who are the strikers, and who the strikees?

Ferdinand Affinity Earle is on the canvas again.

Between Maybaskets and Halley’s comet, how’s a body to sleep?

Onions for the cure of tuberculosis? Well, it needs to be a strong remedy.

If you were a grandma at 28, would you deny being 28 or a grandma.

The second story of Mary MacLane might prove more interesting than the first.

Aren’t the fishermen catching any fish, or is the world becoming more truthful?

______

Domestic Holdups

Man not having all the domestic pleasures that rightfully belong to him Judge Gemmell of Chicago has tried to do what he could toward relieving the monotony and dullness of the average American home. Our good husbands here are noted for their thoughtfulness in relieving their wives of all financial responsibilities regarding the expense of the household. To put it more plainly, the husband carries the pocketbook so that his wife will not have to worry. To put it more plainly, the wife approaches her lord and master something after the following: “John, I must have 25 cents.” “For heaven’s sakes, what do you want of all that money?” says John.
“Well, I’ve got to have flour and sugar and kerosene oil, and besides the children need some new stockings,” says Mary. “Well,” says John, as grouchy as a snapping turtle, “here’s 15 cents; that’s all I can spare today!”

As a result Mary has only to buy the kerosene, thus being saved no end of trouble and worry over accounts, etc. Now along comes Judge Gemmell with a scheme whereby women may take on all such responsibilities, much to the joy and relief of their husbands. A Chicago woman who wanted money, and wanted it bad, with the aid of her brother and a border, took her husband down on the kitchen floor and robbed him of $11. She was haled before Judge Gemmell, who undoubtedly works the allowance plan in his own home, and was discharged on te ground that the robbery was justifiable.

There is no doubt now but that the robbery habit will spread and become very popular with the brigandesses of the kitchen, and if hubbie wants a little change for tobacco and other little interior necessities, he would better cache it in some safe place before he enters the home.

______

Limericks to the Lady

(Contributed.)

A “star” from the famed land of Dante

Quite amazed gazed at the Bacchante;

     “I’ll admit ‘tis,” he cried,

     “Music personified,

But the tempo is scarcely andante.”

Said a lady before the Bacchante,

Who looked a front row figurante:

     “In that Salome pose

     On the tips of your toes,

You certainly stir up the anti!”

With a relative from Ypsilanti,

A student addressed the Bacchante:

     “To the Fine Arts Museum

     I brought her to see ‘em,

But I’m sorry I showed you to auntie!

     Boston.                               N.

____________

May 3, '10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

When You Have Money to Burn

     You oft see the fellow

     Who’s just a bit mellow,

Who, young, thinks he’s too old to learn;

     Who says with all bluster

     And brag he can muster

That he has got money to burn.

     He’s a figure of pity,

     In village or city,

The fellow who always has money to burn;

     Because he who burns it

     Is not he who earns it,

But both as a rule are done to a turn.

     If you have got money

     For burning, now sonny,

Don’t kindle a fire on the bar;

     But take your bright showing

     And start a fire going

Down where the poor, needy ones are.

     Don’t be yourself greedy,

     But warm up the needy,

And do fellow beings a turn;

     Let your fires light the quarters

     Of drear sons and daughters,

If you have got money to burn.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Ef the biggest fish gits away it gives us somethin’ to go after a secund time.”

______

Always Something in Gungy

Hank Stubbs – I hear we are goin’ to hev a suffragette society in Gungy this summer.

Bige Miller – Last year it was the ellum tree beetles.

______

Cheerful Comment

The office seeks the Shu-man.

Hope they won’t put the blame on the cow.

There’s a great uneasiness amongst the straw hats.

Where was the devil in that state o’ Maine newspaper office?

“Rita” says all Americans are snobs, but of course, no American will agree with her.

Everything has been blamed for the increased cost of living except our increased tastes.

Mlle. Polaire, she of the wasp waist, is coming to America in August. Who said “stung?”

The San Francisco pastors are going to try to stop the prize fight. Perhaps their assistance won’t be needed.

Countess Szechenyi is reported to have lost $40,000 worth of jewels on a liner. And she isn’t an actress, either!

Lottie Collins outlived her famous song, “Ta-ra-ra-Boom-de-ay,” for which she and the world are grateful.

“Jones,” or anybody else of rare name may “pay the freight,” but patrons of the New York, New Haven & Hartford railroad pay for the “raise” granted its employees.

______

A Trip to Bossieland

All aboard! We’re off in our aeroplane,

     We will bid the old earth “good bye”;

We cannot stay here and suffer in vain,

     While the farmers are keeping us dry.

We will up and away to the realms on high,

     From the sound of the smokeless fray;

All aboard! We are off for a rich supply

     From the cows of the Milky Way!

______

A Silly Question

Caller – I wonder if the editorial “we” won’t ever go out?

Assistant – I’m sure he would; guess he’s only waiting to be asked.

______

A Plea for Justice

(Contributed.)

(Written in answer to “An Appeal to the Cow,” published in Jocosities April 29.)

My dear Joe Cone; I must declare

That you are hardly very fair,

To lay the blame at Mooly’s door,

For microbes one, two, three or four.

Does she not love the sweetest grass,

Then fight the horse-flies when they sass?

Does she not swat them when they stick,

And thin them when they get too thick?

Now you, Joe Cone, please do be true,

And we’ll forgive, and mooly, too;

The scarlet fever we detest,

But poor old bossie does her best!

     GRACE AVERILL ATTEN-

   BOROUGH

     New Bedford.

______

Hardly Enough for a Joke

“Won’t you write up something in the line of a nice little story about my bathing suit” chirped the sweet summer girl, as she drew hearts in the sand with her pretty pink toe.

The reporter scanned it as closely as he dared, then, looking out to sea, said with a great depth of suppressed emotion:

“I should be delighted to do so, Miss, but to tell you the truth, there isn’t material enough in it for even a short story, and besides, I am working on space.”

______

The Authoress at Home

O, Mary MacLane, she went home again,

     But the town of her birth didn’t suit;

And so she said, “Pa! Did I ever live hah?

What poor, drudging devils the people all are!”

     Now either May, or the town, is a Butte.

____________

May 4, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

“We Needa Da Rain”

I called on Adoni,

     My barber this day;

He said, “Gooda morneeng!”

     His usual way.

I railed at the weather,

     As most mortals do;

Because it was raining,

     My spirits were blue.

“My frand,” said Adoni,

     “Axcusa me, please,

You maka meestak’, sir,

     For growla at dees.

‘Tees Spreeng in da country,

     W’at for you complain?

Cheer up, Meester  Joka,

     We needa da rain.”

“Da bird he don’t growla,

     He seeng on da tree;

Da grass an’ da flower,

     Ees glad as can be.

Da farmer ees happy,

     Eet’s good for hees grain;

Cheer up, Meester Joka,

     We needa da rain.”

I thanked good Adoni,

     Philosopher, he;

Spread deeper and broader

     This lesson might be.

We challenge all sorrow,

     And grumble at pain;

Perhaps, like the flowers,

     We “needa da rain.”

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“The main trouble with heapin’ coals uv fire is, they don’t warm the right spot.”

______

Journalistic Note

What has become of the old-fashioned editor who used to lick all the delinquent subscribers and other bulldozers who dropped in looking for trouble?

______

Cheerful Comment

Stil a case of locked horns.

Now it’s a race for “the smallest waist.”

Comet clubs are nothing new, if you are thinking of late hours.

There was one matter at least on which Mr. Bryan refused to talk.

The Copenhagen suffragists smoke cigarettes. Evidently they have made more political progress there than here.

But of course you wouldn’t think of eating even a good, fresh 10-year-old canned oyster between April and September!

Perhaps the compelling of convicts to wear Mother Hubbards, as in the case of Floyd county, Georgia, would help make fewer convicts.

The yearly catch of the Newfoundland sealing fleet was 320,000. Now let us hear about the pony catch before we decide on wifey’s next year’s coat.

______

Brown’s Long Hours

(Contributed.)

Bill – They say Brown got into trouble the other day for assaulting a non-union man.

Hill – Yes; and the judge gave him time and a half.

Waverly.                             WALT BRIAN.

______

With Pinchot for Keeper?

(Contributed.)

A thought I have, and now impart,

     Without a bit of reservation,

Explains why Teddy, hand and heart,

     Is strong for forest conservation.

When malefactors ‘fore him race,

So swift his blows our eyes they dazzle;

He needs large forests to replace

     Big sticks so soon worn to a frazzle.

     Webster.                         S. G. R.

______

Fish Kill a Bull!

(Extra! Deadly combat between several Ithaca pike and a bull.)

A special dispatch from Ithaca to the Evening Herald records the death of a Guernsey bull valued at several hundreds of dollars in the barn of the State College of Agriculture at Cornell University, the bull having attacked several large pike with malice aforethought. This undoubtedly is the first time in the history of the world where a bull was bested in so seemingly a one-sided combat. Had the pike been bull-heads or had the bull been a sea cow it wouldn’t have been a matter of so much wonder, but to think that a few commonplace pike could deal a bull a solar plexus blow seems almost beyond belief.

Could the beloved Izaak Walton, who knew something about a good fish story himself, know of this latest victory of his favorites, no doubt he would drop his pole long enough to do a few fancy steps in commemoration on the shining banks of Jordon. The pike didn’t really mean to hurt the bull on the start, but being in a pickled condition they lost control, and as the bull made a hog of himself and overate he, of course, in the end got the hook. Hereafter the Cornell students will be careful to keep the bull-headed faction of the college out of the pickled fish department.

______

A Land Shark

Those New York girls who were learning things mystical from the self-styled “Oom the Oriental Omnipotent,” while they were clad in bathing suits, must have thought at one time they were right in the swim.

______

Will It Come to This?

“Mother may I go out for milk?”

     “Yes, my darling daughter;

The strike is on, I’m sore afraid

     You won’t get much but water.”

____________

May 5, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Pipe Dreams, and Others

He who would take my pipe away,

Would bring a cloud upon my day.

The smoke that curls about the room,

Like summer skies, dispels my gloom.

The glowing bowl is like the sun

That warms my heart through moments dun.

He who would steal my mild cigar

Would tear the luster from my star;

Would dash the flavor from my lips

Like nectar which the wild bee sips.

The visions of this fragrant weed

Bring me perfect peace indeed.

He who would steal my cigarette

Fills me with longing and regret.

Would rob me of the rich perfume

That comes from fields of clover bloom.

These graces, three-in-one, I ween,

Compose fair lady Nicotine.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

They’s many a slip ‘twixt cup an’ lip, but they’s a good many more after the cup hez got in its work.”

______

Dairy Note

He who steals my good name steals that of which I haven’t much, but he who steals my bottle of milk in the early morning hour steals that which, though plenty in the land, is passing scarce in the city.

______

Cheerful Comment

And the income tax went out.

After the rain – more rain.

Get a blue hat and cheer up.

Just now Hearst appears to be the “Gainer.”

Hope nothing will arise to prevent raising the Maine.

Glad we haven’t got to lie about our salary over the income tax scheme.

The weather man may be doing his best, but most people think the other way.

The Alps claimed 143 victims last year. Yet they say football is dangerous.

More than 100,000 automobiles registered in the state of New York! This means going some.

Personally we don’t care how much they strike so long as they don’t hit the cow or the baby.

Literary Boston should be on its best behavior; “Rita,” the writer, is coming to look us over.

All kinds of walking clubs will be organized now for the purpose of riding round the country.

If they can prove that cancer is caused from over-eating that ought to help the high cost of living some.

A well known doctor says that the eyesight of the colored race is superior to that of the white race. Perhaps this will help Jack to find Jeff.

______

Cry or Holler?

“Don’t cry over spilled milk, my boy,”

     My ma would say when we would bawl;

But now I’m wond’ring what to do,

When we can’t get no milk at all!

______

Catching up.

Hank Stubbs – They say Abe Crockett’s boy is comin’ home frum college next week; thet he got through ‘way ahead uv his class.

Bige Miller – Waal, I heerd he was so fur behind it jest looked ez though he wuz ahead.

______

Rubbish

Beacon – Have a cigar, old man?

Hill – No, thanks.

Beacon – Given up smoking?

Hill – No; but any suggestion of the spring bonfire goes against me.

______

Wedding Note

The New York Morning Telegraph wants to know which is the “properest month to wed”? Personally, we would prefer a pretty girl to any month we ever saw.

______

Fish Stories

At last the fish stories are beginning to come in. Up to a few days ago it looked as though the annual sea serpent yarns would get ahead of the early spring stories, but the fish editors throughout the land are beginning to take heart once more. The latest is from Bloomfield, N. J. One John Fritz, while fishing beside a companion, pulled an eel from the water with such velocity that it curved and struck the party of the second part in the face, almost blinding him. Then, the eel being so large and unmanageable, got busy and wound itself and the long line all round the body of the stunned victim, sinking the hook into his thumb and otherwise damaging him. There was a general mix-up on the bank, and now the party of the second part has haled the party of the first part into court for assault with intent to kill with a live blackjack.

______

A Sonnet

(“One protestant hs Massachusetts had.” H. A. Kendall, in Sunday Herald, May 1, 1910.)

     Not one, but many such, has this old state,

     Since here the earnest Pilgrims stayed their quest,

Suckled to sturdy manhood on her breast;

     Then sent them forth to service high and great.

Amid a wilderness of men they wrought,

     The way of Truth and Justice to prepare;

God’s message plain, with courage did declare,

     E’en as of old, the Hebrew prophets taught.

Their names crowd thick as stars that stud the skies

     When stilly night unfolds its mythic scroll;

Their message sounds with force that never dies,

Like ocean’s voice, where mighty breakers roll.

State, nation, aye, the world, must richly prize

     The strength inspiring of each steadfast soul.

     Webster.               SAMUEL G. REA.

______

Anti-Bacchante

(Contributed.)

O Bacchante, tipsy miss,

     You’ve been long away,

We never will forgive them this

     Who’ve brought you back to stay.

We recall your grinning face

     In the fountain’s play;

And if there’s grace, there’s more disgrace,

     All decent people say.

With that pitiful monstrosity

     On your strong left arm,

And the suggestive bunch of grapes

     Held in your right palm,

It’s clear you don’t care what you did,

     And shows you have no qualm.

To take you and your horrid kid

     Quite justifies alarm.

It’s quite in keeping with your poise,

     That half-drink shameless air;

No wonder that there was some noise

     When you were put out there.

What is it that you would confide?

     “I’m out upon a tear!”

They’ve sneaked degraded art inside

     And jeer at those who care.

____________

May 6, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Be a Weatherman

Don’t sit in gloom the livelong day,

     And wait for sun to shine;

Don’t emphasize the dullen gray

     With dullness and repine.

When you awake at early morn,

     When lowering skies you scan,

Resolve that you won’t be forlorn,

     But be a weather man.

Resolve that you will make the skies

     About you blue and clear;

That you will cause a paradise

     To instantly appear.

No matter what the weather be

     Outside, it is your plan

To make the sun shine full and free

     Inside, you weather man.

For after all, the weather’s what

     The heart decides, you see;

We make it cold, or make it hot,

     Or stormy, you and me.

So let us thwart, each coming day,

     Dame Nature’s sombre plan,

To keep our hearts attuned and gay,

     And be a weather man.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Ef ev’ry day wuz Sunday most people would be hankerin’ fur some uv the other days uv the week.”

______

Economic Note

Why don’t they get some of the strugglers to talk on the high cost of living instead of leaving it all to the well-fed fellows?

______

Cheerful Comment

Even the earth is uneasy in spots.

Comet parties to be followed by “go-it” clubs?

Murder will out, also the make-up of that Westerly whiskey.

Wonder how the two official soloists, Draper and Fitz, would do a duet?

Anyway, “back to the farm” sounds better than “back to the woods.”

“Corey sees good times ahead.” More people ought to borrow his glasses.

If the deep sea fishing doesn’t pick up soon many a man will feel obliged to go trouting once a week.

The larger the target the more it costs to guard it, of course, as the case of W. T. against T. R.

What a pity Halley’s comet doesn’t come within reach of some of our splendid “speed limit” policemen.

Bread that has been buried in sand 25 years has lately been excavated in Lynn and found in perfect condition. Why wouldn’t it be a good idea for some people to bury provisions instead of gold for their future generation relatives to use?

______

Trouble Ahead

We do not care a rap

     About this liquid fuss;

A milk and water scrap

     Has no regrets for us.

But later we expect

     A riot or a raid;

How will the strike affect

     The ice cream soda maid?

______

Lightning, the Judge

Out in Indiana the other day lightning struck a pair of corsets which had been made by one Mary Taylor, 9 years old, and worn by her in secret. Mary’s mother didn’t want her to wear them, but she disobeyed, and along came the lightning and put his foot down. Mary may disobey her mother, but she is going to toe the mark in the future as far as lightning is concerned.

The above should prove an awful warning to young girls who want to wear corsets against their mothers’ wishes, and to older girls who wear them against their own better judgment. Mary’s experience may prove a benefit to the world in general, and now if this same lightning would take a shy at some of the hat monstrosities, without injuring the wearers, he would be performing the most brilliant stroke of his shining existence. The doctors say that Mary will recover, and she has been assured that lightning won’t strike twice in the same place unless she yields to temptation and adopts her hand-made corsets again.

______

A Joke Rubiayat

(Contributed.)

The Joke no Question makes, But if ‘tis Shown

Into the Column Graced by Joseph Cone,

     ‘Tis pleased to Gather with its Kin Awhile;

If Damned, ‘tis Pleased to be Not Quite Alone!

     Melrose.             T. FARDON.

______

Come Dog

(Contributed.)

A former sea captain claims he witnessed the following incident: One time when he was visiting a certain port he had occasion to call at a house where a high wall surrounded the entire premises. The only outlet was a heavy door which he chanced to find locked at the time. A small dog was resting on the doorsteps of the house, and as he was blinking away in the sun two rats suddenly appeared in single file, coming from a hole under the wall. The dog waited until they had gotten away from the wall some distance, when he made a leap for the second rat, killed him on the spot and then stuffed his body in the hole from which he had just emerged. Then he turned his attention to the first rat, which he also dispatched in short order.

              HARRY V. LAWRENCE.

Boston.

____________

May 7, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Bug and Animal Party

There was a party in the woods

     Amongst the bugs and bees;

And ev’ryone was asked to come

     And bring their foods or fees.

Each animal and bug and fowl

     For miles and miles around

Was asked to come, and when the day

     Arrived, all kinds were found.

The cow, the horse, the duck and hen,

     The woodchuck, dog and cat,

The ant, the flea, the louse and bee

     The squirrel and the bat,

And when they spread upon the ground

     The food, both cooked and raw,

It was the queerest bill o’ fare

     The forest ever saw.

The oxen brought some ox-tail soup,

     The cows they gave some milk;

The horses brought horse-radish, while

     The silk worms spun some silk.

The polecat brought skunk cabbage for

     To scent the bill o’ fare;

The bees they brought a honey comb

     To comb the rabbits’ hare.

The Billy Goat brought butterine

     The squirrel furnished sauce;

The hen she dropped a fresh-laid egg,

     Then cackled with remorse.

The ants they brought some anti-food

     Sent by rich uncles, two;

And when they asked the owl for his

He simply answered “Who!”

The woodchuck chucked the pullet’s chin,

     And chuckled in his glee;

The turkey gobbled all the soup,

     The bat went on a spree.

The butterfly flew in a rage,

     And then the butter flew;

And when the bullfrog up and croaked

     The mushrooms, frightened, grew.

The beetles beat a quick retreat,

     The hornbug blew his horn;

The crow flew to a field close by

     And pulled its aching corn.

The pole cat started for the Pole

     To find the cent he’d spent;

It was an awful looking place

     When ev’ry one had went.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Pollertics may make strange bed-fellers, but they are apt to make a good many more strangers.”

______

Pavement Philosophy

Climb higher than your family tree.

Be a-live or you’ll be a dead one.

A boy’s idea of the Fourth is a “bang-up” time.

There is the census taker, also the undertaker.

Don’t overeat; it causes high prices and low spirits.

Charity covers a multitude of sinners who ought to be working.

And, if you are bound to be a grouch, don’t be a grouchy grouch.

Telling the truth should be mixed with the leaven of diplomacy.

When you speak of bully weather, try to remember how a bull acts at times.

At the present price of foodstuffs, is a good appetite a good asset?

Why is it the average person who objects to smoking thinks everybody else ought to?

The annual crop of June brides will be gathered regardless of all weather conditions.

Some people wait so long to make sure they are right that they never get ahead.

Sometimes when you think you are fooling the other fellow, the other fellow may be yourself.

A man who can look himself square in the eye ought to be able to do so with others.

It is better to wear out than to rust out; but it is still better to keep well oiled with common sense.

The self-made man is a valuable product if he doesn’t ut too high a price upon himself.

____________

May 8, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Saving Time

Ah, if we did not have to eat

     And daily spend that hour or two,

How much more blessed time we’d have

     To do the things we’d like to do!

And what a lot of dire expense

     We all might save, and what a treat

We busy mortals might enjoy,

     If we were not obliged to eat.

And then the time we lose in sleep,

     Another waste we should regret;

If we could only utilize

     Those hours, what returns we’d get!

We have so very much to do,

     Our duties just ahead will keep;

O, if we could but use the time

     We nightly waste in foolish sleep!

And the time we spend in chaff,

     The time that curls away in smoke.

If we could use, life wouldn’t be

     Quite such a sad, financial joke!

And then, again, if we could work

     The hours we eat and sleep at will,

If we could plug all day and night,

     O, what a lot of fun we’d kill!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Playin’ on one string soon wears out the string ez well ez the player.”

______

Literary Note

The latest is a 16-line sonnet published in a local exchange. As all of the lines are a little short-footed undoubtedly the two extra ones are thrown in to help complete the measure.

______

Cheerful Comment

The tunnel plan is subwayed.

Only one kind of fans needed as yet at the ball games.

Several of our great men have died recently; how are you feeling?

When a man steps on a woman’s train he must expect a head-on collision, figuratively.

T. A. B. – Yes; all Washington street surface cars stop at “the corner of the broken lamp post.”

Everybody feels certain that George V. will go “George the Third” two better.

In speaking of William Faversham as an optimist shouldn’t the word be spelled “Opp?”

Getting right down to the bottom of the can, now, aren’t the cows the real milk producers?

Not only that, but it’s too bad to have anything happen to put a hitch in T. R.’s Marathon.

“Live and enjoy yourselves among the people you know, but don’t go to Europe,” says J. T. Kane, the millionaire cattleman of California, posthumously, to his heirs. Surest way in the world to send them there.

______

Political Note

Uncle Joe Cannon says, “Keep on a-keepin’ on,” and then proceeds to practice what he preaches.

______

The Calendar Picture

(Contributed.)

There is a little lady who is looking down at me,

She’s as quaint and bright and pretty as ever you did see;

Whatsoever I am doing she never seems to care,

Nor do I find her minding as I daily at her stare.

Though she is always smiling, yet nothing does she say,

Still very much I’d miss her were she not there each day;

To have her at me beaming always fills me full of cheer,

Every day I know I’ll see her, at least all through the year.

I suppose that hundreds of her are scattered through the land,

And just why so many like her we all can understand.

She’s as pretty as a picture, and, well, she ought to be,

This charming little lady on my calendar I see!

     Boston.                   H. E. F.

____________

May 9, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Good Old Cures

(Roots and herbs favored again. Physicians said to have tendency to abandon compounds in favor of old-time remedies)

I like the good old songs the best,

     I like the good old folks;

I like the good old atmosphere,

     And eke the good old jokes.

And now the doctors, one and all,

     At least the papers say,

Are going to cure their patients’ ills

     The good old fashioned way.

To rhubarb, peppermint and dock

     We raise our new shappo;

To sage and composition tea

     We knew so long ago.

On dandelion and throroughwort,

     We place our roll today;

We hail the roots and herbs that cure

     The good old fashioned way.

So start your hop beds up again,

     And let your catnip grow;

And dig your swamp root from the swamp,

     As you did long ago.

Brew on your stove the boneset tea,

     Bring snakeroot into play;

We’re going to cure new fashioned ills

     The good old fashioned way.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Lightnin’ don’t never strike twice in the same place, but the feller who wants to borry a dollar ain’t named lightnin’.”

______

Weather Note

“April showers bring forth May flowers,” but May showers bring forth a large crop of all-the-year-round growlers.

______

Cheerful Comment

Neither side is going to be milked.

Those poor Somerville poor boxes!

Ex-President Eliot couldn’t have been thinking of stenographers.

Looks like Weston walked himself out of the limelight.

For rent – An unlimited number of good sprinkling carts.

Charlotte Hunt isn’t afraid of a mouse, not even a blue one.

Kisses at an auction in Omaha are selling at $5 each, but it’s a long way to Omaha.

“A good ball player doesn’t necessarily make a good husband.” – From Rube Waddell’s diary.

If Halley’s comet is really doing the things they say it is, it should have a proper call-down.

News dispatches state that a battle is impending in the Bluefields. It is news to us to know that they have been without one lately.

______

Looking for Rest

Beacon – Selected your outing place yet?

Hill – No; but I’m working on it. I haven’t quite decided which place has the fewest attractions.

______

Our Sang-Froid

Hank Stubbs – They say they’s a chance uv Halley’s comet hittin’ the earth.

Bige Miller – Wall, I guess it would take much more’n a comet to jar the real American people very much.

______

The Big Ten

(Gelett Burgess, humorist, in a lecture on “American Humor,” named the 10 real humorists in America. This was shortly after the death of Mark Twain.)

Up to the present our natural modesty has forbidden us from taking exceptions to the statement of one “Gel” Burgess that there are but 10 real humorists in America. We expected there would be a great uprising on the part of the 101 real humorists who weren’t mentioned on the list, but as “Gel” failed to get a rise from them en masse it falls to us to take up the matter and re-shape public opinion which has been shamefully warped by “Gel’s” reckless statement. It is not that we object to having the list cut to 10 “real American humorists,” but it is the personnel of the list that makes us hot under the celluloid.

In the first place, “Burg” doesn’t include himself, which fact places himself unquestionably on the list, and not only that, but at the head of the list. None but a master humorist would forget to leave himself off the list of the Big 10. Following is the array, the sad 10 which the lecturer holds up to the world as America’s foremost humorists: Peter Dunne, George Ade, Oliver Herford, Charles Battell Loomis, Wallace Irwin, Ellis Parker Butler, Irvin S. Cobb, Marshall P. Wilder, Simeon Ford and Carolyn Wells. A side-splitting bunch, beautiful to look at and very popular in its line. Its “line”; aye, there’s the rub! Simeon Ford may be a great humorist in his line, but how does he line up with Frank L. Stanton or S. E. Kiser? The line’s the thing, O, “Gel”! This is the age of specialists, or lines, if you please. Carolyn Wells may be a great humoress – we mean humorette – no, humorist, but what is the matter with Louise Malloy, the “Josh Wink” of the Baltimore American?

Then “Gel” goes to work and ties it down to New York city mostly. Of course, as you know, Sim Ford runs a hotel there and is always glad to see “Gel” when he comes around. George Ade always has theatre tickets on his person, but we can’t see how “Gel” can work the other eight to any great extent. It is very evident he doesn’t read the Boston papers, or the papers of Buffalo and Cleveland. Modesty prevents us from dwelling further on a subject that is painful as well as unhuman – we mean un-humorous. Evidently “Gel” has a line only on a certain line.

______

Revelations

(“As seeing Him who is invisible.”)

God is seen in lowly lights;

     I see Him when a blossom starts,

I see Him when a bird alights;

     I see Him best in human hearts.

I see Him when a child makes bold

     To show the little mirror of its mind,

Not knowing what it sees, till told,

     And fearful something lurks behind.

I see Him when a wistful face

     Looks up in mine, as though

I had the unutterable grace

     Its secret thought to know,

Its doubtful path to render clear,

     Its gloomy way to lighten plain;

The He, indeed, is very near,

     Nor does He part so far again.

I see Him in hos lowly things;

     He is a God of low degree.

Alike to Him are slaves and kings –

     Not prouder than the slave is He.

     Somerville.      H. A. KENDALL.

____________

May 10, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Oyster’s Vacation

O, I like the summer season,

     In some ways it is the best,

When the summer crowd is weary,

     And the oyster shall find rest.

For ‘tis then we have the ices,

     And the seashore’s foamy crest;

When the butterfish is busy,

     And the oyster is at rest.

O, the melon comes to bless us,

     And the corn is green and sweet;

And the peaches they are luscious,

     Far too beautiful to eat.

And the summer girls are pretty,

     As they brave the ocean’s breast;

When the motor boats are chugging,

     And the oyster is at rest.

Ah, I like the summer season,

     With its recreative zest,

And I like the summer maiden,

     But I like the oyster best.

So, when comes the summer pleasures

     I am just a bit oppressed;

When the stew has gone in mourning,

     And the oyster is at rest.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Talk ain’t so cheap when you figger how much it costs to keep it down.”

______

Divorce Note

Mrs. Isabelle Stewart Weeks secured a divorce after being two weeks married, and now the two Weeks are nearly a week separated.

______

Cheerful Comment

There doesn’t appear to be any milk prophet.

Jeff stepped on his own foot, and now Jack’s followers take heart again!

Wonder how the President liked being a leading man one day?

Heinze is freed of two charges, but the 57 varieties still remain.

Let’s see, how long is it now since we’ve been at war with Japan?

Why not say the tail of Halley’s comet has swatted the milk pail?

Don’t feel so badly over the cold weather; you are having it on the iceman.

Before we’ll pay 11 cents for milk we’ll keep a goat, and then be sure nobody gets it.

For the White House to lose a good cook and a good cow at the same time is enough to pull down even a strong man.

Alfred Austin asks, “What’s the use writing anything good, anyway, the people won’t take it from me?” Alfred doesn’t intend to disappoint his audience if he can help it.

______

Those Green City Fellers

HANK STUBBS – Why do these city folks put out som many signs to “keep off the grass?”

Bige Miller – Waal, I suspect it’s fur contrast; they don’t want too much uv color in a bunch.

______

“A Joke Rubaiyat”

(Contributed and published in Jocosities May 7.)

If in the Herald you can say a rubaiyat,

     Why can’t you also speak of a phenomena?

     Next thing perhaps you’ll talk of Anna Domina!

And ultimately where on earth will you be at?

     E’en now in churches parsons – ay and laymen –

     Don’t hesitate to end their prayers with amen!

           NATHAN HASKELL DOLE.

     Boston.

______

Needless Financial Worry

(Contributed.)

“O, pray run quick for the doctor, John,

     The baby has swallowed a quarter;

The child will die, O, fly, O, fly!

     Or I will lose my daughter!”

“Be not afraid,” the servant said,

     “And pray don’t worry a bit;

I grant you mum, no harm will come,

     The quarter’s a counterfeit!”

     Boston.                          G. C. P.

______

Being Mayor – A Fable

(Contributed.)

Said a mayor who ruled a city,

     Or, at least, he thought he did;

“Now that I am in the office,

     Of some fellows I’ll get rid.”

But he found that a commission

     Was a-sitting on the lid,

And it made him feel quite peevish

     To be treated like a kid.

A new school of appropriation

     He carefully had read,

And he came to the conclusion

     That the town was being bled.

So to help the poor taxpayers,

     “I will veto it,” he said;

When they got his veto message

     Then they passed it o’er his head.

“When I talked up this new charter

     Sure I must have been obtuse;

To thwart all my calculation

     There is always some excuse.

They neglect my nominations,

     I’m a victim of abuse;

I’ve the honor of the office,

     But now, really, what’s the use?

     Dorchester.                      H. E. F.

____________

May 11, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Curfew Shall Toot

(In Bayonne, N.J., the curfew bell has been changed to a whistle which will toot every evening at 9 o’clock.)

Ring out the old, toot in the new,

     Bayonne has got in line;

The curfew shall not ring, but toot

     Each evening at nine.

No more the young of old Bayonne,

     Shall say, with stamping foot;

“The curfew shall not ring tonight,”

     Instead, “it shall not toot.”

The mournful bells of old Bayonne

     Are silent now and gone;

Their tongues have told their last sad tale,

     And hang in peaks forlorn.

And youngsters fain would linger long,

     But homeward quickly scoot

To be beyond the law’s long reach

     At Bayonne’s curfew toot.

And now when school is out, I ween,

     On Bayonne’s closing day,

Some youngster full of noble fire

     Will raise his hand and say,

Not as we used to say of old,

     To our fond parents’ rare delight,

But to the teacher’s dire dismay:

     “The curfew must not toot tonight!”

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Usually the man in debt don’t git much credit when credit’s due.”

______

Fruit Note

Boston received 5,000,000 lemons Tuesday. With those in addition to the ones we always have with us there ought to be enough to go round.

______

Cheerful Comment

Neither side is getting the cream just now.

If President Taft won’t look out for himself “let the chauffeur do it.”

Mayor Gaynor knows a good play when he sees it, or rather a bad one.

Uncle Joe hates to quit work, he says. So does anybody when it’s play.

Yes, indeed, that comet must be a woman; it’s on the go so much.

That Harvard man finds bull fighting even more strenuous than football.

Did you notice, Mr. Taft got out about the time the new cook began to practice on him?

Looks funny to see William Faversham haying in a high linen collar and Julie Opp in a dainty white dress.

Riga sent us $8,000,000 worth of Russian skins in 1909. Other countries are sending them right along.

A new poet by the name of Hammerslough has arisen in Connecticut. Now Indiana has nothing on the Nutmeg state for a poetical name.

______

Tales of a Tail

I’ve taken, with a grain of salt,

     The wondrous things men do;

The speed they’ve made, the tales they’ve spun,

     Have knocked me all askew.

But for the swiftest things afloat,

     That never seem to fail,

Without exception are the yarns

     Of Halley’s comet’s tail!

______

Cupid Routed – A Comet Tale

(A Sharon, Pa., dispatch says Mr. Winterburn, up at 3 o’clock in the morning to view the comet, found his daughter ready to elope.)

     Many a forecaster

     Predicted disaster

From the Halley comet now due;

     We hope what’s predicted

     May not be inflicted –

In this case the forecast was true.

     For on this occasion,

     There is no evasion,

The comet is surely to blame;

     Pa got up to view it,

     When nobody knew it,

And that’s how he got in the game.

     The young folks were hoping

     To soon be eloping,

But father came right to the door;

     Elopement prevented,

     And never relented –

At the comet her beau roundly swore.

    Dorchester.                 H. E. F.

____________

May 12, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

We Eat Too Much

There is no doubt we eat too much,

     O yes, too much by far;

A race of stomach worshippers

     Assuredly we are.

Three meals a day, week in and out,

     And hearty ones at that;

We carry loads beneath our belt,

     And little ‘neath our hat.

Just think of all the bread and cheese,

     Of all the pie and cake,

The puddings, pickles and preserves,

     Potatoes, chops and steak!

If they were piled before our eyes,

     Our stock for just one year,

The very sight of them would kill

     Our appetites, I fear.

And so I’ve tried these many years,

And tried with all my might,

To eat a little less each day,

     And snub my appetite.

Alas! I haven’t had much luck,

     At least I haven’t yet;

The more I cut out food I find

The hungrier I get.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“A cow in your barn is wuth two in the other feller’s.”

______

Political Note

If it is true that many of the women want to vote because they haven’t enough else to do, why don’t they devote their spare time in trying to improve those who vote already?

______

Cheerful Comment

Politics make strange after-fellows.

It’s time for winter to get out of spring’s lap.

Meanwhile the COW is peacefully chewing her cud.

How often will Mme. Palladino have to be exposed?

Wonder if they will take the colonel down where the Wurtzburger flows?

Alice has decided not to let her pa have all the fun on the other side.

The steamer Minnehaha has given the rocks of Scilly islands the laugh.

The wild theory that there was an explosion on the British flagship London has been exploded.

Suppose that May snow storm feels better now that it took a fall out of Forbes and Yates.

Evidently it was costing T. R. more than a dollar a word since he merely cabled back “Accept.”

Those Hempstead, N. Y. women who are fasting are feeling better so fast that they are sorry they didn’t begin fasting quicker.

______

She Has the Habit

“My wife has her house cleaning all done.”

“You are a lucky boy.”

“I don’t see it that way.”

“Why not?”

“’Cause now we have to start in and do it all over again.”

______

Musings of the Office Boy

It’s work and other things dat make folks tired.

It makes a difference who’s behind da cigarette.

Riches don’t bring happiness – dat is, not too many.

It’s awful funny to see an automobile bonnet driving a typewriter!

All may be fair in war, but in love it looks to me all one-sided.

Some people know enough to come in when it rains and get somebody else’s umbrella.

______

A Hard Blow

William Titus, a laborer of Richmond, Ind., blew his nose with such severity that he dislocated one of his eyes to such an extent  that it turned over in its socket, and now it’s going to require a corps of specialists to coax the orb back to its original position. Isn’t it ever thus? A man will do something in a thoughtless moment, with apparently no effort, that requires a great amount of skill and considerable money to undo. Titus, being a poor man, this will no doubt be a hard blow to him financially as well as otherwise. He has always been considered a modest individual, never blowing his own horn to any great extent, but the moment he did forget himself and put on a little extra steam he got the worst end of it.

The world is full of people of the fog horn variety, going about making loud noises to attract attention to themselves, who appear to get by with no more than a side look from their hearers, but this poor man, in the midst of his daily labor, blowing his nasal trumpet with just a little more force than usual, suffers a flip-flop on the part of one of his eyes. No wonder the man is discouraged. No wonder he says to himself, “Well, if a poor man can’t blow his nose with safety what is there left for him to do?”

Here is a lesson for those careless ones who presume to call the wild by means of the nose and handkerchief operation. Hereafter they should proceed with a little less strenuosity or else press their left hands over their eyes to prevent a recurrence of the fate which befell the Indiana buglist.

______

Hair a-la Rats

A great, big rat was in the maiden’s hair,

To catch it not a cat to be found anywhere;

Had it been a mouse, O, how she would scream,

Yet she smiled on as in a pleasant dream.

For you know the style she must not lack,

So with puffs and wings, and other things,

And snakes coiled neatly around wire wings,

She wears her hair upholstered in the back.

  Waltham.                     S. J. R.

______

Served Him Right

(Contributed.)

One-half the flowers the gardens grow

     Bloomed in the gorgeous trim;

And made one slow to look below

     The horticulture brim.

But, when beneath the rim I strayed,

     I lost my where-was-at;

And now the mortgage I have paid

     Upon that gorgeous hat!

     Melrose.                           T. F.

______

Living a Retired Life

(Contributed.)

A man who once lived in southern New Hampshire was the possessor of this late-in-the-day name, “Retire.” He often appeared before the local police court charged with drunkenness, and the judge, after hearing the evidence, would almost always say: “Mr.        , I shall ‘Retire’ you to the county farm for thirty days.”

Boston.                                                  H. V. L.

____________

May 13, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Rural Contentment

Let them spend their good money for rods an’ for reels, 

   For their patented gew-gaws complete;

I’ll take my birch pole to the ol’ fishin’ hole,

     An’ ketch all the fish I can eat.

Let them shoot up an’ down in their gasolene boats,

     With a speed that is likely to kill,

I’ll take my ol’ skiff an’ just let a whiff

     Blow me forward or backward at will.

Let them spend their good money for automobiles,

     An’ ride like the winds to their doom;

I’ll take the ol’ mare an’ jest jog along fair,

     An’ drink in the fields all abloom.

Let them live the swift pace that is lurin’ them on

     To the grave while their hearts are still young;

I’ll poke along slow, an’ be sure as I go,

     That I won’t be imprisoned or hung!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Enlargement uv the heart hez never been a universal complaint.”

______

Dairy Note

If a stork should happen to be hovering over Boston the chances are he wouldn’t make a landing till the milk disturbance is all over.

______

Cheerful Comment

Boston’s Milky Way!

Lodge is 60 in age only.

“Rube, he-of-the-broken-wing.”

Who’s this Bob Veal, anyhow?

Beverly is getting ready to throw out its chest.

Somebody in the milk business should be canned.

Some bold hunter should put a twist on the comet’s tail.

Harvard students should have a care – they used to hang horse thieves.

Most young people are drugged when they get married, but usually cupid administers the dose.

Boston has always been noted for variety, but a straw hat and a fur coat coming down Tremont street side by side is more than variety.

Hope it will be clear on July 6, for that is the day the Fogg Family Association holds its annual reunion at the Fogg Art Museum in Cambridge.

A. D. D. – We cannot tell you who has charge of the advertising space on the broken lamp post, but doubtless you can find out by addressing the Boston City Bureau of Information.

______

Curses, and !! ** !!

They say

A wet May

Brings lots of hay;

But what a cold May,

Raw every day,

What it brings our way

We don’t want to say;

Nay, nay!

______

Cow and Consumer

First cow – Which side do you hope will win out, Kate?

Second cow – It won’t make any difference to us, Brindle; we’ll get stripped in either case.

______

The Hat Problem

Director Donlin of public school No. 2, Jersey City, has made a great hit with his hat-loving teachers by placing hat trees of large spread in the retiring room. It was found, owing to the increased diameter of this year’s head coverings, that the closet doors wouldn’t admit them and hats were suspended from various places over the schoolhouse, oftentimes occupying valuable space that was sorely needed for other things. Some were too big to go through the closet doors horizontally, and some were too high to go through sideways, and the most of them wouldn’t go either way.

Director Donlin scented trouble ahead. Having had some hat experience at home, he knew that sooner or later it meant a schoolmarm strike or larger hat quarters, and so he forestalled all difficulty of that nature by ordering the small forest of hat trees already mentioned, and now the light-hearted teachers say that when it comes to the question of hat storage Director Donlin is all to the millinery.

While Director Donlin’s ingenious scheme has helped out matters in Jersey City public school No. 2, we don’t see that he has relieved the conditions in general. The tense situation in the street car, the crowded office and the church pew remain the same. Even in the small city flat the piano or cabinet can be moved to the back porch, or into the cellar, to make room for milady’s crowning glory, but in public places these makeshifts are quite out of the question. Street car companies and railroad officials cannot work the hat tree scheme, as there is no room to plant the trees. Here is a chance for some unknown genius to rise and straddle the ridgepole of wealth and fame. The only discouraging thing about it would be that as soon as he had his invention in good working order the styles in women’s hats would probably suddenly switch to the pill box dimension.

______

Palladino

(Contributed.)

In psychology you came to school us,

But now scientists say that you fool us,

     And would send you to join Dr. Cook;

They say the cold breeze that blows through your hair

Was discovered to be simply hot air.

     And you never communed with a spook.

     Dorchester.                H. E. F.

______

Bates Hall – Public Library

(Contributed.)

‘Tis a grand place, indeed, with all its store

     Of goodly books to renovate the mind –

And yet the deep and oft recurring snore

     Of those who but a dormitory find!

     Melrose.                        T. F.

______

Nautical Note

May the Florida never get a frost, or anything more fatal, to blight her bloom!

____________

May 14, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Love, the Painter

Ah, what indeed, the rose is red,

     And what, the violet’s blue?

And what if life with joy is rife,

     If I cannot have you?

And what if birds sing all the day,

     And summer skies are blue?

This world is gray to me by day      

     When I cannot see you!

The rose is red – it might be black –

     The violet not blue;

The summer’s sun a dreary dun,

     If I cannot have you.

‘Tis you who make the roses red,

     And life a brighter hue;

‘Tis you who bring the touch of spring,

     And tint loves’ skies with blue!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“In goin’ through life you not on’y hev to look out fur Number One, but you hev to keep your eye on Number Two also.”

______

Church Note

If Halley’s comet has anything to do with increasing congregations, ministers should ray that the heavenly visitor take up a permanent residence hereabout.

______

Pavement Philosophy

Sometimes clothes un-make the man.

When in doubt don’t ask the doubter.

Forgetfulness is oftentimes a blessing.

An empty pocketbook makes an empty world.

Possession is 99 points of the lawyer.

Two is company, and three is one in the way.

A mud thrower always has some left on his hands.

Employees want a speedboy in the works, but not outside.

A soft answer turneth away a lover’s anxiety if it’s the right one.

It is seldom that a pair of pretty eyes doesn’t know what they are for.

Taking things for granted sometimes is taking what doesn’t really belong to you.

Sometimes a man in a barber shop has a close shave from being talked to death.

People dislike flattery unless it’s sincere, and when it is sincere it isn’t flattery.

Lay up something for a rainy day, and keep it if you can through the pleasant ones.

Good eyesight consists of something more than being able to see the faults of others.

Money slips through our fingers because our minds are too much occupied with the thought of what the money will buy.

______

Very Slow

Friend – Are you writing the same as ever?

Hack (sadly) – I guess so; it goes about the same as ever.

______

The King

(Contributed.)

The king is dead; “Long live the king!” They cry,

As dying monarch calmly breathes his last

To join the long line of ancestors past;

Meaning that kingdoms live though kings may die,

And kingly rule believed ordained on high

Will e’er continue in the world as cast

Throughout this royal realm of empire vast

As in the many years that have rolled by.

The now gone ruler’s place ‘twere hard to fill,

For he was ever tactful, true and wise,

And all the world sincerely mourns his loss.

Should the new king not heed the peoples’ will

Mayhap then severed be the ancient ties

And golden crown and sceptre turn to dross.          H. E. FENTON.

       Dorchester.

____________

May 15, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

“’Ras ’” Wilson

Good ol’ ’Rasmus Wilson, he

Jest dropped in here yisterd’y,

In the joke room where we set

Seven days a week an’ sweat

Over jokes thet never ought

To git much beyend the thought;

Jest dropped in to “howdy” say,

Bein’ how he passed this way.

Jest dropped in an’ brought, O my!

Sunshine from a cold, gray sky.

Good ol’ ’Rasmus Wilson set,

’Thout no office ettyquet,

Smokin’ uv a big seegar,

Easy like, as fellers are

Who know how to spend a while

Makin’ uv a feller smile;

Tellin’ stories uv the West,

Nye an’ Riley an’ the rest,

Fetchin’ out a laugh or tear –

Heart an’ soul uv yesteryear!

Good ol’ ’Rasmus Wilson, you

Are one uv the chosen few;

You hev got the heart thet knows

Ev’ry feller’s joys an’ woes.

You hev got the pen that brings

Zephyrs frum the angels’ wings;

You hev got the cheer thet God      

Wants spread over all His sod.

An’ we say, ‘tw’xt tear an’ grin,

“’Rasmus Wilson, come ag’in!”

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“When a hoss licks up an’ smashes things, his owner sells him; but when an aryplane does it, he fixes it up an’ tries it ag’in.”

______

Cheerful Comment

Your smuggling will find you out.

Perhaps the circus will bring summer.

The cows are doing all they can to keep off the grass.

My, but that river Seine is bound to be up and doing!

Was it a vase the Kaiser gave “my friend,” or a vawse?

So far the Weston clubs are doing more talking than walking.

Suppose the colonel didn’t take the hill? Perhaps he didn’t want it, anyway.

Id a fellow could break into the best magazines by going to jail for a few years, why wouldn’t it be worth while?

______

Rushed the Season

We do not want so very much

     In this short age of woe;

But winter still retains our goat,

And would we had our overcoat

     We hocked a month ago.

______

Musings of the Office Boy

It’s a long time between pay days, too.

Love and bus’ness mix better at home dan in de office.

A little goes a long way in some t’ings, but not in money.

Bus’ness is bus’ness always, but sometimes it is more bus’ness dan others.

Chewin’ is all right in some cases; for instance, when it takes de place of conversation.

______

Coming!

The violet’s blue,

     The rose is red;

Fair brides are due,

     June’s just ahead.

But even she’s

     Not all the fad;

Comes, if you please,

     The sweet girl grad.

____________

May 16, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Milkmaid Producer

“Where are you going,

My pretty, pretty maid?”

“I’m going a-milking,

Kind sir,” she said.

“May I go with you,

My pretty, pretty maid?”

“Not if you’re a contractor,

Kind sir,” she said.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“A wummun’s crowin’ glory, in her own eyes, ain’t her hair, but somethin’ on top uv it.”

______

Industrial Note

The University of Pennsylvania has a machine called the ergograph, which, it is claimed, will tell how much work a man can do. We thought about every concern had a machine for that purpose, only, instead of being called the ergograph, it is called the boss.

______

Cheerful Comment

Don’t cry over spilled milk.

Newport should buy a few shock preventers.

Riverside canoeists are beginning to play at ducks and drakes.

You can drive a balloon into the air, but you can’t make it go north.

The shotgun beetle should be peppered by the spraygun artist.

Why didn’t the Gloucester skipper make it “loaves and fishes”?

Getting nervous about the comet won’t help us any, and may aid the comet.

Anyway, the poets are not to blame for the cold weather; there was an unusual shortage of spring poems this year.

______

Lines to a Clean Sheet

O, there are many awful things

     That people do from day to day;

Aye, doing things they should not do,

     Or idling of their time away.

But there is nothing I could do

     More sad or awful, if you please,

Than just to take a clean white page

     And spoil it by such thoughts as these.

______

Others Might Well Be

Hank Stubbs – Do you take much stock in this here second sight bizniz?

Bige Miller – I’d be durn well satisfied ef I hed plenty uv the fust.

______

Seeing Things

“Do you believe in love at first sight?”

“Quite impossible sometimes, if one has his eyes open.”

______

Sightless Cupid

“Love makes the world go round,” they say,

     And leads all human kind;

Yet I don’t see how that can be,

     Since love’s so very blind.

______

Thinking Ahead

“Will you always love me, dear, no matter what comes?”

“Well,” said he, thoughtfully, “I think so, but still, I think I ought to have something to say as to who will come.”

______

More or Less

Some say the comet’s tail is long,

     While others say it’s short;

Must be about the length of that

     Big fish we never caught!

______

Time, and the Mayor

(Contributed.)

 While Europe trembles to the tread

     Of Roosevelt’s warring steed,

And England weeps above her dead,

     And of George V. we read,

While Halley’s comet bold intrudes

     Its luminous long tail,

And Etna puffs its smoke and broods

     And Morse is still in jail,

While all the world’s Big Things each day

     Time on his blackboard chalks,

Our Boston of the dear old way

     Stands, while its mayor talks.

     Boston.                  OBSERVER.

____________

May 17, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Heaven and Earth

HE:

“O, love let us fly to the far-away sky,

     Up, up from this planet of pain;

Let us soar to the blue as all lovers should do,

     Snug and safe in love’s aeroplane.

O, love tell me “yea,” and we’ll flitter away

     As the birds in their airiest flight;

We will sail to the moon and do nothing but spoon,

     And leave the dull world from our sight.”

SHE:

“O, wouldn’t it be most delightful?” quoth she,

     “But alas! You’re a poet, I fear;

You know we can’t fly, at least very high,

     On less than a thousand a year.

I will answer you “yea”, but we can’t go away,

     Let’s look at things just as they are;

Instead of the ‘ship,’ let us take a nice trip

     Out of town in an open car.”

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“It’s allus safer to cross the street behind a street car or an autymobile, ef there ain’t another one comin’.”

______

Economic Note

“Necessity is the mother of invention,” and it looks at this writing as though the ultimate consumer might be “pa.”

______

Doubting Thomas

“And you say you never were kissed by a man before?”

“Only by my father and my uncle.”

“How long did they go with you?”

______

Comet Pills

Have you secured your box of comet pills yet? This may sound like a joke, but it is a very serious matter to the good people of Port Au Prince, Hayti, who are paying a shrewd old Voodoo doctor fancy prices for a secret concoction in the form of a pill that will stave off Halley’s comet or any other airy bugaboo that may be wandering around promiscuously, looking for a little measly affair like the earth to give it a swat with its gay and festive tail. The dispatch says that the wily old doctor is guarding his formula closely, and is growing rich very fast. The probabilities are that he is so busy making money that he has forgotten to take any of his own medicine.

The most surprising thing about the comet pill idea is that it has been left to this old doctor away down in Hayti to find a means of dodging Halley’s high roller. Our own quacks and mountebanks, usually alive to every opportunity, have let the chance of a lifetime slip through their fingers. There is a marvelous scarcity of comet charms and other fake contrivances amongst our best citizens, but it is not their fault, it is a negligence on the part of our “mystery doctors.” When it comes to superstition, excitement and frenzy over something we know not of, the natives of far off Hayti have nothing on us. We have only to recall the north pole comet, and numerous other “appearances,” to remind us we are an easily “worked-up” people, and just why we haven’t a flood of preventatives to wear around our necks, or to take every half-hour until the crisis is past, is hard to understand. A friend close at hand suggests reading “Jocosities” every morning as a preventative, but we are not much struck by his ill-tinued jocularity.

______

Unanswered Yet

“How much is a kiss worth?” Ah, well, ah me!

     Though tearful news I must break it;

It makes all the difference in the world, you see,

     Whether it’s given, or whether you take it.

______

Symptoms

Pa – Did George get any nearer to proposing on his last visit?

Daughter – I think he did, papa; he asked me if you were heavily insured.

______

Fish Stories

For reasons best known to ourselves, we have for many years made it a point to believe all the fish stories that have been told us, and a large per cent. of those which get into print via the piscatorial editor’s route, but the newest one from Chesapeake bay has made us sit up and scratch our few remaining locks with incredulity. We admire a good, healthy fishing lie from any source, even in the first person, singular, but when anybody brings along an utterly impossible, incomprehensible and incongruous fish story and expects us to swallow it, line, bob and sinker, we think it is time to get off the earth and let the other fellow have it.

It seems a Norwegian steamer was on her way up the bay and came to anchor off Sandy Point over night. Next morning, when her anchor was being raised, the sailors were somewhat surprised to see, coming up the side, securely fastened in the links of the big chain, an array of fine Chesapeake bay mackerel weighing all of five pounds apiece. What there was about the Norwegian chain that the mackerel should have made themselves fast to it and be carried aboard the ship even the old inhabitants seem to be unable to figure out. Probably it is linked to some great underworld mystery, belonging to a chain of circumstances that will never be solved, but it is safe to say that that particular style of fishing will never be popular, because a chain large enough to go around a five-pound mackerel would require a windlass to wind it in, which would be too costly for profit, and for pleasure would be very unsportsmanlike.

______

The Love Pat

Again is born the infant spring;

     Dear Mother Earth makes soft its nest

Ere the young ruffian hastes to wing

     The waiting tribute from her breast.

Old Father Sol looks down to see,

     Amazed, this latest imp of his;

And every blink the mystery

     Increases on his honest phiz.

He scans the youngster all in vain,

     And scarce can trust his eyes the while,

Each infant in his countless train

     So duplicates another; tear or smile.

The very same, all copied to a dot.

     “Really ‘tis too monotonous,” he swears,

“To stereotype so same a lot

     Of undistinguished imps and heirs.”

By this sweet Mother Earth was all in tears.

     A prettier Babe she’d never seen,

And she’ll stand sponsor he appears

     Perfection in his suit of green.

“Of all your offering in the past,

     Ungrateful sire,” said she,

“This is the finest, and the last

     I have a mind to say ‘t shall be.”

With that Old Sol blinked hard at her;

     But what it was he slyly said

I lost, I hope it was no slur

     On their prolific marriage bed.

For if she meant what she let fly,

     Or if he took it ill, ‘tis plain

We shall repent it, you and I,

     Ere springtime comes again.

     Somerville.                  H. A. K.

____________

May 18, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Don’t talk about your neighbors, but ef you must talk about ‘em say they are ez good ez could be expected considerin’ who their neighbor is.”

______

Serenity Personified

“Anyway,” said the old lady who lived from hand to mouth, “I can be thankful for this much. I’ll never have any bother with them nosy customs inspecters!”

______

What a Horrid Man!

“On May 17 the comet’s tail was 24,000,000 miles long.”

“I’ll bet 99 out of every 100 women would like it for a hat plume.”

______

Lines to “Lizzard Crick”

(A near-poem found on Jocosity’s desk, left there by some infernal fish agitator while Jocosity was out buying shoes for the children.)

The ice is out of “Lizzard Crick,”

I’m going to beat it down there quick;

And with my line and reel and stick

I’ll make the other fellows sick.

I’ll pull the fishes out so quick

They ne’er’ll again be quite so thick,

When I go down to “Lizzard Crick,”

With line and reel and lunch and stick!

    Boston.                         “? ? ?”

______

Dust from the Comet’s Tail

Now you see it and now you don’t.

A little comet goes a long way.

And yet Ty Cobb might be able to find it.

The street sprinkling men are all ready to lay the dust.

In the various little parties the comet itself remains the party of the first part.

If the “molecular bombardment” makes every one bald, there are some who will still be unaffected by it.

Although the tail is 24,000,000 miles long it seems short compared with some of the tales of the old writers.

We don’t feel exactly easy with the thing hanging round, and yet what is there left to hang the blame for everything on after it has gone away again?

______

Bill and the Brewers

(Contributed.)

One line Bill Shakespeare wrote so clear

     The years have never marred:

“’Tis joy to see the engineer

     Hoist by his own petard.”

And so today we find it true,

     Though brewers’ wrath may double,

’Tis joy to see the brewers brew

     Themselves a peck of trouble.

     Webster.                           S. G. R.

____________

May 19, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Murder will out, even frum a hand organ.”

______

Tonsorial Note

The barber’s latest motto: “I speak when I’m spoken to.”

______

Victims a-Plenty

“What’s the matter, Bilgins; got a bad sore throat?”

“No; comet neck.”

______

Cheerful Comment

And now it’s a “go   it.”

Spring is still in the air.

It is granpa Josh Whitcomb now.

The milk controversy refuses to kick the bucket.

The straw hat doesn’t look as though it felt quite at home yet.

One way to get more men out to church is to have good looking women pastors.

If you don’t want “Elijah” Sandford to convert you you’d better take to your cyclone cellar.

Uncle Sam says to the scrappy commanders of the Madriz and the Venus, “Quit yer foolin!”

Mr. Cannon declares the insurgents ought to be hung. Why not take a shot at them with a six-foot gun?

Youth sure has it on old age. A Boston boy fell 35 feet and walked off, while a French aviator fell 30 feet and was nearly killed.

The National Association of Manufacturers has decided that girls ought to have domestic training. What a perfectly silly idea!  They ought to be trained for the shop, office and politics.

______

Hoot, Mon!

Andrew Carnegie said that the finest girls in the country are living in the West. If the eastern girls could only get Andy handy, of hand Andy, he wouldn’t need a whisker trim for some time to come.

______

Alas! The Poor Poet

Editor – We would very much like to use your poem, sir, but the fact is, we are not in a condition to buy verse.

Poet – But you may use it for nothing; I would much like to see it in print.

Editor – Well, you see, we have a rule here that anything that isn’t paid for isn’t worth printing.

______

Financial Couplet

“A penny saved is a penny earned!”

A hundred saved is a dollar burned.

______

The “Governor’s” Little Moral

(Contributed.)

Some years ago a bird while flying through the air in Exeter, N. H., suddenly struck a wire and fell dead into the street. A well known citizen by the name of “Governor” Moore observed the incident and immediately turned to some of his friends and said:

“If that bird had flown a little higher

He never would have struck the wire.

     Boston.                                             H. V. L.

______

Boston’s Cry

(Contributed.)

T. R. steps off the continent

     That flips back into place;

The Seine at Paris smiles again

     With its accustomed grace.

Taft rises to explain a thing,

     And Kerby rides his day;

And Hughes, the stern, in bold New York

     Is holding graft at bay.

The horses of the sun are hitched

     To pull the comet by;

It’s now the other side, but soon

     ‘Twill light our evening sky.

“But that is neither here nor there,”

     Cry out the varied ilk;

“What Boston wants is not hot air,

     But fresh and wholesome milk!”

     Boston.                  “OBSERVER.”

____________

May 20, ‘10