JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
Rustic
Paradise
Settin’ in a leaky
boat,
With a pole an’
line an’ float,
Waitin’ fur a fish
to bite
Is the chief uv my
delight.
Waitin’ fur the
bob to sink
In the blue
reflected drink;
Waitin’ fur the
pole to bend
With a fish upon
the end.
Ain’t no place I
ever see
Where thet I would
ruther be
Than ol’ “Lizzard”
days like this
Soakin’ in her
summer bliss;
Settin’ in a leaky
boat
With a cider jug
afloat,
Holdin’ on a white
birch pole
In the shade uv
“Bullhead Hole”.
Airships an’ sech
fillergree
Don’t hev any charms
fur me;
Wouldn’t take an
auto ride
‘Wuz I paid fur it
beside;
Ez fur settin’ on
the stoop
Talkin’ with some
nincompoop
‘Bout the weather,
no sir-ee,
“Lizzard Crick’s”
the spot fur me!
“Lizzard Crick”
an’ “Bullhead Hole,”
Rest there fur a
weary soul;
Water smooth ez
glass an’ fair,
With the sky
reflected there.
Shadders deep
along the shore –
Who could ask fur
any more?
Furren places? No,
sir-ee,
“Lizard Crick”
will do fur me!
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“The
milk uv human kindness ain’t the kind thet gits spilled to any great extent.”
______
G. O. P. Note
The
“Taft 1910 smile” doesn’t differ materially from the Taft 1908 smile except
perhaps that is has broadened a little.
______
“The Easiest Way”
Clerk
– I feel as though I ought to take a good long rest.
Employer
– Then why don’t you stay on the job?
______
Cheerful Comment
Some
class to those spreads!
Quoth
he: “It was a famous victoree!”
If
you don’t at first succeed, Zeppelin again.
Jeff
wants hard cash to go along with the hard knocks.
Now
the grads are at their homes to show pa and ma how to do things.
If
you are not you cannot be a June bride this year.
According
to the papers,
both fighters are
in “fine condition,” but what will it be July 5?
Of
course, in a way, ice cream money won’t go up in smoke, but it will go down in
chills, however.
______
Something New
(Contributed.)
The
chickens are afrighted,
The cows are running wild;
A
monstrous bird is sighted,
It scares the farmer’s child.
The
farm hands stop a-toiling,
To gaze up in the sky;
Wives
leave the dinners spoiling
To watch the thing go by.
The
help their work forsaking
Rush out of mill and shop;
The
girls their hearts a-quaking
With fear lest it may drop.
From
windows all are staring,
Their necks they upward crane,
Amazed
at human daring,
And flight of aeroplane.
Dorchester. H. E. F.
______
Easy Essays
The bullfrog (Rana
catesbiana), a habitant of the ponds and marshes. Ain’t that an awful name for
a poor, little, harmless frog? But he can’t help it; the scientists have put it
all over him, like they have over lots of things. The frog is a four-footed
animal, although his two front feet are of little account except for helping to
pull himself out on a log. His hind legs are longer and fatter, and are
valuable to some people as food, but they are more valuable to the frog.
The bullfrog is
found most everywhere where there is water and land and logs and lilypads. If
there is anything a frog likes better than a lilypad it is a body of water
where he can duck out of sight. He is a beautiful green in color, but when it
comes to getting next to him he is not as green as he looks.
The bullfrog has
one weakness; his preference for red, and it frequently gets him into trouble.
If he sees anything red bobbing about his immediate vicinity he invariably wants
to appropriate it unto himself, and thereby hangs a tail. Man has discovered
the bullfrog’s taste for red, and putting a small piece of red flannel on a
fish hook he dangles it under the frog’s nose and then it is all off for the
frog. The man revels in a nice dish of frogs; legs for supper.
The bullfrog is a
fine weather barometer. Before it storms he bellows out “Jug-o-rum!” And while
it is storming he calls out “Jug-o-rum,” just the same,, and after the storm is
over he always gives the same musical call, so you can always tell just what
the weather is going to be.
The bullfrog is
useful in many ways. While he is yet small he makes fine pickerel bait, and
when he is full grown he makes good human bait. He catches bugs and flies, and
then allows himself to be caught by a fisherman.
____________
July 1, 1910
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
A Yankee Fourth of
July
(Contributed.)
Sound
the trumpet, beat the drums,
Lo!
Independence this way comes!
A
cavalier of plucky mein
Bound
to be heard as well as seen,
Escorted
by a troop of boys,
Intoxicated
with mere noise.
Bang
the cannon, shrill the fife,
For
independence is our life;
And
let the martial youth parade
In
regimentals, battle-frayed,
That
their grandshires ere seventy-nine
Trophied
at York and Brandywine,
At
Monmouth, Trenton, Bunker Hill,
Eutaw,
Cowpens, Moulton’s Mill.
Bring
out the flintlock and the sword
That
the British honor sharply gored,
The
powder hors and old Queen’s arms
That
hurtled death at Concord farms,
And
routed from our Lexington Green
The
liveliest regulars ever seen.
Fetch
out the whole divine array
And
bid them flourish a new day;
Give
patriotism room and breath
To
split the ear with “Liberty or Death.”
Let
the bold leader ‘mong his mates
Assume
the sword of Greene or Gates,
And
honor’s noblest youthful son
March
raptly here as Washington.
While
to keep loyalty in awe,
Let
Arnold’s traitor-bludgeon draw
The
hisses of the patriot crowd
And
execrations long and loud.
Let
gratitude the pageant show
To
Lafayette and Rochambeau,
And
their compatriots over sea
Exiling
self to make man free.
Let
the long rank of heroes file
‘Twixt
grief and rapture, tear and smile,
Till
the whole galaxy is shown,
Alike
the famous and unknown;
The
names to song and marble we entrust,
And
glory’s undiscovered lust.
Somerville. H.
A. KENDALL.
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“A
firecracker in the street is wuth two in the hand.”
______
Vacation Note
A
yachting cap and a pair of white trousers don’t make a sea captain, but they
frequently make a match.
______
A Sane Fourth in
Gungy
Hank
Stubbs – I hear they are goin’ to hev fireworks over to Squire Patten’s.
Bige
Miller – Yaas, I see two ice cream tubs an’ a kag goin’ over frum the station.
______
The Office Boy
Says:
“Gee,
I hope it’s a black ball for dat man Jackson!”
______
Cheerful Comment
The
sphinx hath spoke.
July
came in like a daisy.
Have
you written Theodore yet?
It
pays to advertise if the ad. is paid for.
It
won’t hurt the smoker to cut the boxes of cigarettes down two.
What’s
two little ball games compared with three big races, anyway?
Those
Abernathy boys will be some when they reach the old stamping ground again.
Don’t
smoke in bed, lest the whole shooting match goes up in smoke.
From
now on you may figure that about nine out of every 10 “political reports” are false.
By
the way do you remember that only a short time ago we were visited by Halley’s
comet?
By
not having a bridge high enough to make jumping worth while Boston is saved
much of the cheap notoriety that New York enjoys.
______
A Rare Find
A
pirate den without casks of gold has been found in Nova Scotia. Must’ve been a
den of literary pirates. – Washington Post.
Or
perhaps an editor’s abandoned summer home. By the way, how about the “M. T.’s”?
______
Time to Stop
“Perhaps
I’d better not drink any more, I feel awfully queer.”
“What
are your symptoms?”
“I
feel just like a man who finds a $2 bill he didn’t know he had.”
__________
July 2, ‘10
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
“Just
Because”
I asked her why
she loved me so,
She answered, “Just because.”
I asked her how
she knew, and lo!
She answered, “Just because.”
I asked her why
she asked me why
I loved her, so
persistently;
And with her
womanish reply
She answered, “Just because.”
I asked her why
she wept so oft,
She answered, “Just because”;
Why she should
chide me sweet and soft,
She answered “Just because.”
I asked her why
she missed me so
When far away,
then bade me go
Without a passing
sign of woe?
She answered, “Just because.”
In desperation
then I sought
A key to “just because”;
Why she that
answer always brought,
That puzzling “just because.”
I asked her why
she thus replied
To every tender
question plied?
And then that
little vixen cried:
“It’s really just because!”
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“Makin
a poor mouth don’t add anything to the pocketbook or to the features.”
______
Pavement
Philosophy
Nothing
un-succeeds like excess.
Truth
may hurt, but not so much as untruth.
A
bold front is a good thing to put on if it’s becoming.
And
sometimes the more stout you take the weaker you are.
What
had become of the old fashioned phrase of “law and order”?
A
cucumber on the vine is worth half a one in an aching stomach.
Some
people go back to the farm, while others go back on the farm.
The
matrimonial goldbrick is heavy; that is probably why so many drop it.
There
is always a lot of bluff and bluster about a soda fountain that doesn’t really
mean anything.
We
can’t imagine the feelings of a horse when he sees an automobile piled up
against the trunk of a tree.
They
say women love soldiers and army camps from humane reasons. If that is so, why
do they surround and capture every summer camp in times of peace?
______
Red, White and
Blue
(Contributed.)
As white as snow, than skies more blue,
Than
blood more bloody red,
Our banner to all winds that blow
Right
gallantly is spread.
For Peace the white, for Faith the blue,
For
Right the bloody red;
Red, white and blue, with peace and faith
And
honor garlanded.
And white for Hope, for Trust the blue,
With
red for Victory;
For glory, Stars; for traitors, Stripes,
On
every land and sea.
Somerville. H.
A. KENDALL.
______
Home to Roost
It
is a common sight to see chickens come home to roost; not only chickens, but
frequently old roosters; but it has remained for one William Stone of Inez,
Ky., to see a different breed of animals attempting to perform the same duty.
While out guarding his hen coop from night prowlers recently, he shot and
killed a fox which was making a foul attempt at securing a fair young broiler.
Upon examining the fox he discovered that it had a collar upon its neck, and
upon the collar was evidence that it was a tame fox that he had possessed some
thirty years before. A fox some thirty years of age is so age for a fox, but
the paper says so, and that is quite sufficient.
The
fox, however, got slightly mixed in his roosts, which was perhaps due to the
dimness of old age. Had he come back to the door he left some thirty years
before, openly and like a man, he would have been welcomed to the bosom of the
family and would have been provided for the rest of his natural life; but no,
he came like a thief in the night and, instead of going to his old roost, he
went to the chicken roost and – well, he got what was coming to him.
______
Poetical Note
The
Bellman says there is no money in poetry. Now, if this is true, and most poets
say that it is, why doesn’t Bellman start a new era in poetry in its own
columns, which might properly be headed, “The Era of Money in Poetry.”
____________
July 3, ‘10
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
Down
on the Farm
How fine to be upon the farm
On lazy
summer days like these,
And listen to the early birds
That sing
and caper on the trees.
How fine to hear the rooster crow
And hail the
purple break o’ day;
How fine to be a-dream and free,
From city
thoughts and cares away.
To idly watch the busy bee
Go buzzing
on from flower to flower;
To lie within the hammock’s folds
And dream
away the summer hour.
O, life upon the farm is fine,
Away from
puffs and paint and silk;
Out where they wear their own fair hair,
Out with the
butter, eggs and milk!
How fine to be upon the farm
And watch
the things unfold and grow;
To hear the “Bob White’s” morning call,
And see the
farmer rake and mow.
I know of nothing half so fine,
Of naught
wherein such pleasures lurk,
As ‘tis to smoke and dream and joke,
And watch
the other fellows work!
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“You
kin jedge a man purty well by which end uv the log he takes hold uv.”
______
Political Note
It
is always a great surprise to us when an out and out suffragette gets married.
______
Cheerful Comment
This
is Ice Cream day.
Also
let the eagle scream a bit, too.
Bet
a dollar we know where your mind is.
Wonder
how many will linger in Reno for a spell?
Really
no need of the doctors staying in town today.
Here’s
hoping your predictions will come true, whatever they are.
Looks
like taking off trains on the New York & New Haven when they are most
needed,
Won’t
it sound funny to hear some youngster say, “Didn’t know the ice cream can was
loaded!”
Editor
Bok of the Ladies’ Home Journal is not only a good editor, but a good admitter,
Doubtless
there will be a large tramp movement east, now that vagrants are to be
sentenced to work in the wheat fields.
Lots
of people can afford the wash tub and the cake of ice, but where is the
electric fan coming from, Mr. Secretary?
______
A
Patriotic Appetite
The
Fourth it comes but once a year,
O, would it come each day,
With
ice cream rockets going down
And sherbets for display.
Who
cares for pistols, crackers, bombs,
And deaf’ning cannonade,
If
we can have a quart of cream
And “16” in the shade!
______
Taking Liberties
“There’s
no time like the present,” said he, handing his sweetheart a beautiful watch on
her birthday.
“Did
you have to get it on tick?” she asked, sweetly.
______
What Sammy Was
There For
(Contributed.)
A
first-grade teacher in one of the big schools in New York city was greatly
troubled by one of her small pupils. It was never necessary to see Sammy in
order to know that he was present. Finally the teacher, in the kindest terms
possible, wrote a note to Sammy’s mother, asking that Sammy be given a bath and
some clean clothes. The following morning the little fellow, as grimy as ever,
and clad as formerly, brought the following reply: “Teacher, Sammy is no rose;
don’t smell him, just learn him.” F.
R. Nashua, N. H.
______
Tommie Wants to
Know
“I’d
like to know which is the worst,”
Said little Tommie Gay,
“To
have a finger skinned or burned
On Inderpendence day,
Or
have a stummuck ache all night,
An’ lie an’ roll an’ dream
From
list’nin’ to some feller talk
An’ eatin’ too much cream?”
____________
July 4, ‘10
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
Don’t
Rock the Boat
When you are out upon the creek,
Don’t be a risky summer freak,
Don’t
rock the boat.
Don’t stand and swash it to and fro
To scare your poor companions so;
Unless you want a time of woe
Don’t
rock the boat.
When you are out upon the bay,
And shore a league or two away,
Don’t
rock the boat.
Don’t rock the boat whate’er you do,
Or else the rocks may gather you;
Keep out of Davy Jones’ view,
Don’t
rock the boat.
Just why such souls will foolish be
Is one great hidden mystery –
Don’t
rock the boat.
But if you’re bound to rock, then take
A boat alone upon the lake
And rock and rock, for conscience’s sake,
Then
rock the boat!
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“Waitin’
fur dead men’s shoes is a fast rate way to git on your uppers.”
______
Osculatory Note
We
can’t believe that a Cincinnati woman ever said that she will not rest until
kissing is abolished. It sounds more like the heavy talk of a Boston woman.
______
Hat Parachuting
Miss
Nellie Gurney of South Dennis has instituted a new style of aeroplaning with
parachute landing. A few days ago, while seated on a load of hay, a strenuous
gust of wind came tearing across the fields and Nellie, who was wearing an
immense hat, was caught in the maelstrom and carried away from the load. At
first it looked as though something serious might happen when the coming-down
stage was reached, but no; her large hat acted like a perfect working parachute
and, though she was driven to the top of a barbed wire fence, the landing was
so easy and graceful, due to the unusually large spread of hat, that Nellie
landed right side up, with nothing more serious than a few scratches and a
wildly beating heart.
Heretofore
we have preached against the large hat, but now we are wavering. We believe
here is an idea for women aviators and balloonesses. If a woman can land safely
from a load of hay in a wind storm with a three-foot spread of hat, there is no
reason why she couldn’t do it from a balloon or an aeroplane that had come to
sudden grief. Also as an emergency fire escape might this idea be carried out.
Anyway, it is safe to say that women with high ideas will use Miss Gurney’s
experience as a lever in furthering the cause of the large hat, and we must say
that the argument will have considerable breadth.
______
The
Difference
It
is a sin
To
steal a pin,
So
all the people say;
But
steal a million,
Or
merely a billion,
And
the sin is washed away.
______
Town Note
Did
any one ever see a city street stay put?
______
As Girls Talk
Ethel
– Hasn’t Mable’s new teeth changed her a lot?
Maud
– Yes, but I think her new hair changed her more than anything else.
______
The
Real Losers
The “Fourth” has come and gone again,
Devoid
of harm and noise;
The surgeons haven’t any bills
For
sewing up the boys.
______
Consistent Mrs.
Biggle
Della
– Mrs. Biggle is passionately fond of cream, isn’t she?
Stella
– O, my yes. She’s such a crank on cream she’s going to have her late husband
cremated.
____________
July 5, ‘10
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
Adoni,
the Barber, Complains
“Dees Boston eesa slowa town,”
Adoni
said to me;
“Dey donta have da greata theengs
New
Yorka people see.
Dees folks dey gat no greata breedge,
No
‘Statue Leebertee’;
Dey gatta no beeg Central Park,”
Adoni
said to me.
“Dees Boston folk dey gat no race
Weeth
aeroplana, w’y?
Een other place da airsheep feel
Da
greata beega sky.
I lik’ for see som’theeng tak’ place
Like
beega worlda fair;
Or som-theeng lik’ beega race
Weeth
airsheep in da air.”
“No, notheeng but da sam’ ol’ gait,
Lik’
feefty year ago;
Dees Boston eesa slowa town,
Meester
Jocos’; dat’s so.
Jost wait; we queeck heem up I theenk,
We
gat som’ day,” said he,
“A smart Eetalian for mayor!”
Adoni
said to me.
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“Everybuddy
secretly envies the pusson who kin let troubles roll off their shoulders like
water off’n a duck’s back.”
______
Our City Boarders
(Near-Editorial,
from the “Gungywamp Advocate.”)
The
tremendous influx of our city boarders has begun to arrive. We noted three
getting off the train yesterday, and two the day before. No doubt there will be
as many, of not more, in the days that follow. It behooves us as a people, and
as a paper, to welcome these tired toilers from the city, and make their stay
as pleasant and as beneficial as possible. They are paying us a neat compliment
when they select our town as a place to while away their summer hours instead
of choosing Newport, Narragansett Pier and other places of more luxury and
sociability/
WE
should encourage such people to come to our borders. We should give them the
best the house affords and so entertain them that they will want to come again
and bring their friends with them. The “Advocate’s” job room is going to be at
the disposal of our summer guests for all kinds of social cards, summer
stationary, etc., at greatly reduced prices. We also invite them to inspect our
plant, free gratis, and a guide will be furnished at the same price. We must
disconnect our summer folks from the idea that we are trying to get something
out of them.
We
don’t wish to interfere with our good neighbors’ affairs, but we suggest that a
part at least of their fresh eggs and cream and vegetables be kept at home for
the use of their boarders. City folks can tell fresh eggs and such as far as
they can see them, and are quick to appreciate the fact that they are getting
the best the farm affords. A word to the wise is sufficient. We are going to do
our share this summer toward making Gungy an ideal outing place, instead of a
notorious doing place.
______
Nipped in the Bud
The
minister (stopping to tea) – No, thank you, I must decline the cucumbers.
Little
Tommie – Guess you’re afraid of the tummy ache, but you don’t need to be ‘cuz
when I have it mamma always rubs ” (! ! !)
______
When Laura Laughs
(Contributed.)
When Laura laughs the world grows bright,
This mundane sphere seems filled with
light,
Dispelled are all the shades of night,
And gloomy goblins take their flight,
When
Laura laughs.
When Laura laughs what a lovely sight
of cherry lips and teeth of white;
Her silvery tones our ears delight,
We long to hug her – hold her tight,
When
Laura laughs.
When Laura laughs this little sprite
Our confidence seems to invite;
We feel the moment may be right
To learn our fate – but get a blight
When
Laura laughs.
H. E. FENTON.
Dorchester.
______
Don’t
Blame the Cow
Up goes the price
of milk, by heck!
This world’s a
great big crook;
The baby gets it
in the neck –
Some one should get the hook!
____________
July 6, ‘10
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
The
Farmer of 1910
“Say, Jerry, git out my autymobile;
Lemme
see, the big one, I reck’;
I wanter look over the farm today,
An’
I’m goin’ to ride, by heck!
Time was when I tramped around the farm,
Or
drove an ol’ hoss, you know;
But now I kin wheel in my autymobile;
Come,
Jerry, don’t be so slow.
An’ Jerry, fill up fur a good long run,
I’m
goin’ to town, I be,
To buy thet cottage I seen last week,
Thet
big one down by the sea.
An’, Jerry, put in my evenin’ clothes,
An’
my plug hat, don’t you know;
I’m goin’ to stay in town all night
An’
take in the burlesque show.
An’, Jerry, I’m goin’ to take along
A
bundle uv good, long green;
Ef I find the right style, I’m thinkin’ som’at
Uv
buyin’ a flyin’ machine.
Now, Jerry, jest let her feel the speed,
We
kin dodge the law’s long arm”;
And away went Hiram Ezekiel Jones
Of
“Mountain and Valley Farm.”
______
Musings of the
Office Boy
Love
also makes the world back up.
One
ice cream soda always leads up to another.
The
feller who don’t sweat over his job ain’t workin’.
I
didn’t lose anything on the fight except my repertation as a prophet.
It’s
hot enough anyway, but it’s a good deal hotter when you let yourself think so.
Ain’t
it funny how ev’rybody wants to be around durin’ the rush hour?
Seems
to me the trouble with most people who want to make money is that they want to
make too much at one time.
All
through the winter I had aspirations to be a fireman, but this summer I think I’d
like to be a watchman in a cold storage place.
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“Don’t
jedge a man by the conversation uv the feller who hez jest failed to borry a
dollar off’n him.”
______
Beauty Note
Very
few people can say they are really proud of their elbows.
______
The Shadow of a
King
(Contributed.)
Our country’s flag is trailing in the
dust;
The
spirit of the Nation, ebbing low;
The shield of Liberty begins to rust
Before
the vapors of a subtle foe.
Columbia’s brow no longer is serene.
But
furrowed by a multitude of fears;
Her body nerveless, and hands unclean,
She
sits, dejected, bathed in silent tears.
The sceptre which the people in their
might
Gave
to her hands, to execute their will,
The crafty few have stolen in the night,
The
golden dreams of guardians to fulfill.
All overhead there hangs a sultry haze,
Portentous
of the swiftly gathering storm;
And now, before the anxious watcher’s
gaze,
A
fearsome thing is slowly taking form.
Though still no larger than a human hand,
Its
face reflects the evil it will bring;
Destruction, death and slavery in the
land;
This
glowering, brutal Shadow of a King.
The sickly ones within our commonwealth
Who
worship men, and even bend the knee,
And base dependents of unscrup’lous
wealth,
Rejoice
that such a horrid thing may be.
By training, taught to ever love the rod,
They
humbly bow unto a strident voice;
Its vagaries become the word of God;
Its
very whims, their everlasting choice.
And privilage would grasp the mailed hand,
To
make its domination more secure;
To sternly silence every demand
Made
by the people and the suffering poor.
Awake, ye Men! Rekindle fires of old;
Enshrine
within your hearts Democracy;
Strike off the shackles, and again behold
America,
our country, strong and free.
NORMAN
D. LIPPINCOTT.
Ashville,
N. C.
____________
July 7, ‘10
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
When
Father Goes to Swim
You ought to be around some time,
Down by the ocean’s brim,
And see the corkin’
show we have
When father goes to swim.
‘Cuz father wants
a lot o’ room,
And no one near to him;
He wants the ocean
to himself
When he goes out to swim.
Now father he’s a
wondrous sight,
He is so big and fat;
He doesn’t like
the sun too well,
And so he wears a hat.
And father’s
bathin’ suit fits close;
‘Tain’t none too big for him;
You can imagine
how he looks
When he goes out to swim.
He fusses if the
water’s cold,
Or if the tide is high;
He’s scat to death
of sharks and such,
Or if a crab is nigh.
He paddles in up
to his knees,
And rubs his monstrous limb;
O, there is lots
of sport on hand
When father goes to swim!
Sometimes he slips
and tumbles in,
That’s when we laugh for good;
‘Cuz pa he spits
and flounders round
Just like a porpoise would.
We have to hide
behind the boat,
And keep our laughing dim;
‘Cuz we would
ketch it if he knew
We’re laughin’ so at him.
Well, pa, he
fin’ly gets ashore,
A-swearin’ pretty
sound,
Then tries to
blame it onto ma
‘Cuz he a-most got drown’d.
And then he won’t
go in no more
For sev’ral days, not him;
O, but it’s fun
for us, you bet,
When father goes to swim!
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“It
might be dangerous to cry over spilled milk ef the inspector is likely to come
around.”
______
Pugilistic and
Financial Note
Jeffries
said: “I cannot come back.” Wonder how many other Renoites are saying the same
thing?
______
Hot Weather
Philosophy
Taking
things cool helps some.
Anyway,
we had a nice cool winter.
Kicking
is the hottest kind of work.
Get
up in the morning in time to get cooled off.
People
who get into a double sweat are to be pitied.
A
fan is all right if you can get some one else to use it for you.
Lemonade
is a healthful drink if you can’t find one that is more so.
That
old question about the warm weather is the forerunner of a still hotter spell.
Most
people are willing to loan their ice cream freezer because they guess there’ll
be a little something coming back.
A
shrewd Cambridge citizen says he never eats so much in summer because it is
such a burden to carry it around.
The
art of keeping cool isn’t so much in our surroundings or our strenuous
endeavors to do so as it is in our gift of temperament.
The
fat man is forever puffing and growling about the hot weather, but if he didn’t
he’d be a whole lot fatter than he is now.
______
The
Musical Wretch
“I’d rather sing
than eat,” she said,
In manner passing sweet;
And then he put
his foot therein,
By saying with a
heartless grin,
“I’d rather hear you eat.”
______
Fellow-Feeling
Our
sympathy goes out to a woman who has to paddle around with bundles in her hands
trying to hold up her skirts. We know what it is; we walked five miles once
with both buttons burst off the back of our trousers.
______
The Oyster Season
Now Teddy will, we must admit,
Be
showing most unusual reason
If he keeps dumb for two months more,
Till
oysters again are in season.
And when again the Oyster opes,
One
thing I’m sure we all have reasoned –
Whatever morsel does come forth
Will,
as before, be highly seasoned.
Webster. S. G. R.
______
A Steady Diet
Beacon
– Last month was the month of rose bugs, wasn’t it?
Hill
– I believe so.
Beacon
– What month do the humbugs get here?
Hill
– They never leave.
______
A Stern Chase
Hank
Stubbs – I hear Hen Billin’s hoss got scat by an autymobile an’ run away?
Bige
Miller – No, the autymobile didn’t scare the hoss.
Hank
Stubbs – How wuz it, then?
Bige
Miller – The autymobile passed Hen with a bag uv oats strapped on the rear uv
it, an’ the ol’ hoss tried to overtake it.
____________
July 8, ‘10
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
The
Flirting Muse
She is a most elusive bird,
She comes
and goes at will;
She does not make a breath of noise,
Her step is
very still.
Her visits are untimely, too,
Perchance at
break of day,
Or when the midnight hour has come
And sleep
should hold full sway.
She comes, aye, like a thief at night,
To catch me
unawares;
When notebook and one’s fountain pen
Are down
three flights of stairs.
But when one’s cocked and primed for work,
All ready
for the fray,
‘Tis then she will not favor us,
‘Tis then
she keeps away.
* * * * * *
“O Muse, why play at hide and seek?
Why
tantalize us so?
Why don’t you come and stay awhile,
And help our
rhymes to flow?”
And then she gathers up her skirts,
And does a
little jig;
Then goes off into space and leaves
Us once
again to dig!
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“It
is easy enough to beat the band ef you use the right kind uv a stick.”
______
Tonsorial Note
Why
is it that the man with a dozen scars on his head always wants his hair cut
short?
______
Out of Bondage
“How
happy and healthy Blinks is looking of late; has he had his pay raised?”
“O,
he’s gone into business; you know for years he was on salary.”
______
Landed Him at Last
“I
am travelling through the country for the express purpose of saving our good
women folks,” said the agent, as he drove into the yard of one of our farmers. “I
have here a soap that makes washing a pleasure.”
“You
couldn’t make my wife see no pleasure in washin’ no matter what she used,” said
the farmer.
“Then
I have a cleaner here for pots, pans and kettles that reduces the work to a
minimum.”
“She
wouldn’t look at it,” said the farmer.
“Here
is a tablet which, dropped into a churn of cream, will bring the butter in no
time; something entirely new.”
“She
doesn’t mind churnin’ a bit; likes to, she says.”
“Well,
here is a chemical for killing weeds, A little of this sprinkled between the
rows of your vegetables says ‘good-bye’ to hoeing. Reduces your labor more than
half.”
“How
much do you git a package?”
“Fifty
cents, or 12 for $5.”
“Gimme
a dozen,” said the farmer, fishing out his wife’s butter money.
______
“I Go a-Fishing”
(The
Porpoise)
Let
us take a little side trip down into the sea and see what we can see. O yes,
here comes a porpoise! He is big, but not beautiful, and had nothing to
recommend him, not even meanness. The name specialists have seen fit to call
him “Porspisce” or, in Latin, “Porcus niscis,” but the average fisherman wouldn’t
know what you meant if you called the porpoise the “Porcus niscis,” and would
undoubtedly think you were calling him names and be likely to hand you one
before you could explain yourself. So if you are talking porpoise to the
average fisherman talk porpoise without any of the scientific attachments.
The
porpoise travels in schools, but never seems to learn anything. He appears to
be more or less stuck on himself, which is always a sign of unintellectuality,
and will try to make a show of himself alongside a boatload of pretty girls,
sometimes almost close enough to get lambasted with an oar or boathook. He used
to be considered a delicacy, but that was before the days of the squab and
before the hind legs of frogs got into the swim.
The
porpoise isn’t of any particular nationality, being found along the coasts of
France, Germany, Norway and Sweden, as well as that of the South Shore. Foreign
nations find pleasure in calling him the sea-hog, from the fact that he has a
layer of fat about his person and goes rooting along the bottom oftentimes in
search of food. There are lots of fat people in the world who have to dig out a
living, too, but that is no sign they are porpoises.
____________
July 9, ‘10
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
Scowls
and Smiles
A scowl will make
The sky grow gray,
And spoil the
break
Of golden day.
‘Twill wound the
breast,
And dull love’s dart,
And cause unrest
To fill the heart.
A scow will make
Wild discords ring,
And sometimes
break
The silver string.
A smile will light
The morning sky
And drive affright
From heart and eye.
‘Twill bring the
while,
Midst joy and mirth,
An answering smile
Back from the earth.
A smile will fetch
Its own reward;
And show the
stretch
To love and God.
Smile if you can,
Scowl not the day;
And be a man
For aye and aye.
Smile at the break
Of golden morn,
And joyous make
The hours unborn.
These are but
small
Things on the way,
But O, they all
Make glad the day!
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“Don’t
kick a man when he’s down, an’ ef you wait till he gits up you probberly won’t
dast to.”
______
A Shrewd Novelist
“I
wonder why Spinner’s stories always tell of the sea?”
“He
told me once that he avoided having any dry places in his books.”
______
Johnnie’s Delay
Mrs.
Wilkins – Do you think you ought to stand around here, Johnnie, when your
mother is calling for you to come home?
Johnnie
– Well, she told me to notice what you was goin’ to have for supper and I haven’t
found out yet.
______
Pavement Philosophy
Talk
little and say much.
A
cold summer makes one hot.
Money
talks as long as it has wind.
The
bee stings only when it has cause.
If
your face is your fortune take care of it.
In
choosing between two evils give both the hook.
Put
your best foot forward, but bring the other up to it.
If
you can’t have your own way probably it isn’t a good one.
Love
at first sight is a beautiful spectacle if it only stays put.
A
man who isn’t worth his salt must be too fresh to be of any use.
It’s
pretty rare to find a married woman who wants her life insured.
No
one has ever yet been able to explain just why a widow is “charming.”
If
you can play a quiet game of croquet with your neighbor you are certainly good
friends.
It
is a fine thread in life’s garment to hear a man, whose heart is breaking, say,
“Cheer up.”
If
you can detect the odor of onions in a young girl’s breath you may be sure that
she’s either married or engaged.
A
woman will wobble along on high heels, but you can’t shake her belief that they
aren’t the best kind of a thing for her particular kind of a foot.
______
Evened Up
She
– Is it true that Dick and Ethel are at odds?
He
– No, I should say they are about even, he’s engaged to Maude Flyley and she’s
engaged to Jack Hittupp.
______
Easy Essays
(The
Sparrow)
The
English never did anything worse to the Yankees, not even before that social
function known as “The Boston Tea Party,” than to present some of their
American cousins with a pair of English sparrows. History doesn’t record who
was the giver or who the recipient, but suffice to say, were they known they
would be blackballed from all good society and fed upon bread and water, with
stewed sparrow, all the rest of their lives. English ideas have never spread
much in this country, but the sparrow has spread like lava from Vesuvius.
The
English sparrow is a little brown bird, with no mark of beauty upon him, who
sputters and scolds from daylight till dark, making himself a nuisance to
everybody, decorating buildings and public resting places faster than the
painters and cleaners can offset his cussedness. And as a delicacy, very few
cats have the courage or the stomach to take him seriously.
The
dictionary says of the house sparrow of Europe, “It is noted for its
familiarity, its attachment to its young, its voracity and its fecundity.” All
this is true, only it isn’t half strong enough. It is as familiar as the house
fly, and attaches itself to your property like a leech. It is as voracious as
the hen hawk, driving away all sweet-throated singers, and as for its fecundity
it has the Australian rabbit beaten to a frazzle. We refrain from saying
anything more concerning the English sparrow lest we commit a grievous
journalistic error.
______
The Lay of the
Limbhorn Hen
(Contributed.)
Miss Semantha Allen Jones,
A
modest soul was she;
She lived within a modest house,
All
furnished modestly.
She got a modest income from
A
modest set of hens;
And raised a lot of little chicks
And
kept them in their pens.
She doted on her Plymouth Rocks,
She
had Rhode Island Reds;
And Cochin Chinas walked about,
With
queer things on their heads.
The modest Bantam was her pride,
And,
sure as you are born,
She told me in her modest way
She
loved the Brown Limbhorn.
I told about the Limbhorn hen
To
every one about;
But people were incredulous,
And
said they had a doubt.
And so they came from far and near,
From
early morn till late;
By twos and fours they came and stood
Beside
Miss Jones’ gate.
And there they stood and looked and
looked,
And
then they looked again,
But never once did they set eyes
Upon
a Limbhorn hen.
Miss Semantha Allen Jones,
A
modest soul was she;
And that is why those Limbhorn hens
Were
very hard to see,
Waverly. WALT BRIAN.
____________
July 10, ‘10
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
A
Cup o’ Good Coffee
You may talk about your clarets, your ales
and your wines,
And
your champagne the table adorning;
You may sing of your beer, but I tell you
right here,
Give
me a cup o’ good coffee
in the morning.
The fizz of the fountain I yearn not to
hear,
The
sherbet or college I ever am scorning;
But the sound I prefer is the tea kettle’s
purr,
And
a cup o’ good coffee in the morning.
O, sing of the nectars of far-away isles,
Of
dews on the grasses at dawning;
But I’d pass them all by without murmur or
sigh,
For
a cup o’ good coffee in the morning.
You may talk of the thrill of the
twenty-year-old,
Of
the color the wine cup adorning;
But I sing with a will of the genuine
thrill
Of
a cup o’ good coffee in the morning!
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“Them
ez hez gits plenty uv chances to part with it.”
______
Forestry Note
Where
you cut down one white birch tree many will grow in its place. Col. Roosevelt
is said to have a fondness for the white birch tree.
______
Easy Essays
(The
Hop-Toad)
The
expression, “As proud as a toad under a harrow,” is probably as old as “It
never rains but it pours,” but as a matter of fact, you may go a whole lifetime
and never see a toad under a harrow. If there is one place more than another
that the toad is under, it is under foot. The toad likes to be neighborly, and
as a rule the harrow is a long way from the house. Besides, the open-work of
the harrow doesn’t afford the toad much protection or shelter.
The
toad is not good to eat, although it may be said that he is good to eat the
bugs and flies the way he does. As a fly-catcher the toad is a great success,
beating many of the patent contraptions at their own game. The worst thing
about the toad is his name, the “Bufo vulgaris.” Isn’t that enough to make anything
want to get under a harrow? The toad has long been supposed to be poisonous and
a free distributer of warts to all who were foolish enough to handle him. This
idea is erroneous, according to science; he is as harmless as the house kitten,
and twice as valuable.
Some
people will look with repulsion on a toad and then toady up to some one who is
higher up in the world, or who has more of this world’s dirt. (Dirt is a strong
word for dust). Don’t harm the toad, but encourage him all you can. But you can,
of you want to, put your foot on the toadier. The world can get along very well
without him, but it needs all the toads there is room for.
______
How She Won Out
“O,
George,” she cried, in perplexed tones. “I’m afraid we must part!”
“Part?
Why must we part, dear?” he echoed.
“On
account of father,” she replied; “he fears we would be mismated. We are so very
different, he says.”
“In
what way are we different?” he asked, with a show of dignity.
“Well,
father says I am of such a ready and willing disposition, while you seem so –
so backward, so reluctant and hesitating; so – so loth to come to the – the point,
don’t you know.”
“He
does, does he?” blustered George, bracing up, and the very next afternoon she
was showing her girl friends how stunning it looked on the third finger of her
left hand.
____________
July 11, 1910
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
New York’s Future
(Will
New York never be finished? – Boston Herald.)
It never will; it never will;
A
thousand years from now,
When Boston’s done and bottled up,
On
New York’s radiant brow
The crown of building still will shine
To
make the town more fair,
And every day will add a gem
To
gleam in beauty there.
Eh, Lampton, what is that you say?
You
poor, misguided poet,
“When Boston’s done and bottled up?”
Well,
when she is, let’s know it.
‘Twon’t be, indeed, till Old New
York’s
A
pretty place, and clever;
Till all her pols have sprouted wings
And
that, Bill, will be never!
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“The
feller who goes into pollertics fur the puppus ov makin’ ‘em clean don’t
usually stay long ef he sticks to his original intention.”
______
Outing Note
O.
vacation, what errors are committed in thy name!
______
Studying the Stars
if
the country in general knew as much about astronomy as it does about the
baseball stars the heavens would have very few secrets to call their own.
______
Pa Afraid to Be
Jollied
The
average father is proud of his small son, but just the same he doesn’t like to
have him beat him two to one on a fishing trip, especially in the presence of
friends and acquaintances.
______
Providential
“Has
Skidder been to church since he bought his auto?”
“Yes,
he went the first Sunday because it broke down just as he got opposite the
church and he couldn’t very well do any different.”
______
A New Mixture
Hank
Stubbs – Heerd Seth Stebbins broke his arm comin’ home from Langdon Satterday
night.
Bige
Miller – Yaas, so I hear. Waal, Seth can’t lay thet to Halley’s comet this
time.
Hank
Stubbs – Dunno ‘bout thet; they say thet’s the name uv one uv the new ones over
to Langdon.
______
To Make the World
Better
This world isn’t what it should be at all,
A
fact which nobody denies;
For the rich man wheels in automobiles
And
throws dust in the poor man’s eyes.
We would have it arranged on a different
plan,
We
would have it more sane and calm;
What the rich man should do is to auto’bile
through,
And
throw dust on the poor man’s palm.
______
Hard to See
Some
years ago a civil war veteran who was employed in the shoe factory at Exeter,
N. H., was asked why he was absent for a couple of days. The man immediately
answered: “I strained my eyes, sir.”
The
superintendent, who was the questioner, then asked the man how he happened to
strain his eyes, whereupon he answered: “Looking for more pay, sir.” Boston. H. V. L.
______
Bibolous Limericks
(Contributed.)
HIS
DEFINITION
He called for some “president whisky”
Said the bar-keep, “that order’s too
risky;
I
don’t know what you think
Is
a potable drink “
“Why, strong enough to make me feel
frisky.”
THE
CONSUMER
He ordered imported champagne;
Asked his friends their glasses to dragne.
When
they brought him the card,
He
remarked: “This is hard,
The new tariff has stung me, that’s
plagne.”
THE
TRIMMER
A hard drinker said: “All the new year
From liquor I swear I’ll steer clear;
Though
left off too quick
It
might make me sick,
I’ll compromise and drink only beer.”
Dorchester. H. E. F.
____________
To the Gaekwar of
Baroda
(By W. J. Lampton, in the New York Times.)
Here’s
to you, Prince of India,
Man of the Western mind.
A
hustler among dreamers.
Man of the Yankee kind!
Here’s
health and long life, and never
A rest in your constant brush
With
traditions, until your dreamers
Wake up and fall in with the rush!
July 12, ‘10
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
“Bring
Home the Bacon”
(“I
knew my honey boy would bring home the bacon.” Mrs. Johnson, Chicago, July 6,
1910.)
Gird up your
loins, ye sons of earth,
And buckle on your armour;
It matters not
what be your lot,
A soldier or a farmer.
Go out into the haunts
of man,
Be steady and unshaken;
Go forth to slay
whate’er you may,
And bring back home the bacon.
The bacon is the
game, my sons,
You are not out for pleasure;
Run up your flag,
your pirate rag,
And scoop in all the treasure.
Run out your guns and
blaze away,
And let the world be shaken;
Don’t hesitate to
clean the plate,
And bring back home the bacon.
This is a world of
give and take –
Take all you can, my honey;
Knock out the chap
who’d stop to scrap,
For bacon is but money.
What though you
pummel him to pulp
And leave him ill, forsaken,
Knock left and
right to win the fight,
And bring back home the bacon.
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“When
a young man hez left college an’ gone out to work I think he orter be willin’
to turn his hat brim up an’ his trouser laigs down.”
______
Weather Report
An
exchange wants to know if there is any hotter place on a hot day than around a
railroad station. Yes, there is one, but nobody has the slightest idea of ever
trying to find it.
______
A Neighborly
Correction
Hank
Stubbs – Did you ever see sech hot weather?
Bige
Miller – No, but I’ve felt wuss.
______
The Latest Sandford
News
“Where
is Sandford?”
“Sandford
is on the yacht Kingdom.”
“Sandford
went aboard the Kingdom today.”
“Sandford
wanted; supposed to be aboard Kingdom.”
“Party
on tug to overhaul the yacht Kingdom.”
“Sandford
reported not on the Kingdom.”
“Skipper
says Sandford not aboard.”
“Sandford
not on the Kingdom.”
“Where
is the Kingdom?”
“Where
is Sandford?”
______
Cheerful Comment
Tip
Knox stands pat.
A
full-dress fire brigade in Beverly!
The
east wind never fails us if we wait long enough.
Is
the airship Tillinghast about to sail again or once more?
Will
they ever tire of telling how it all happened in Reno?
The
submarine Bonita came pretty near doing the real thing.
A
Tennessee saloon has been made into a church. What a relief not to have it the
other way round.
You
might say that Capt. Rolls’ time had come, but the aviating world is glad that
it didn’t come before he crossed and recrossed the English channel.
A
Savannah (Ga.) man has just given the city $1500 as a conscience fund. Wouldn’t
cities everywhere have money to burn, though, if this plan were generally
carried out!
A
Newcastle (Pa.) clergyman has conceived the idea of preaching his sermons in
the dark. There is no doubt that this method would tend to get a lot of the
young people out to evening service.
______
A Weed Officer
Brooklyn
has come to the front with a brand new office, that of superintendent of weeds.
It is the duty of one T. De Quincy Tully, when he sees a weed growing in the
streets of Brooklyn, to pluck it out. And no doubt T. De Quincy Tully will have
his hands full, for, as we remember Brooklyn a few years since, there was
scarcely enough travel to keep the weeds down. The most remarkable thing about
the office is that Philadelphia allowed Brooklyn to get ahead of her in this
most useful appointment.
______
The Glad Earth
I watch at morn each shining spear
Of
sparkling, dazzling light,
Which heralds in the day so clear
And
puts the dark to flight.
The wakened birds in gladness sing,
Dew
glistens on the grass;
The flowers abroad sweet fragrance fling,
As
gentle breezes pass.
I watch at eve the sunset glow
Adorn
the distant west;
While home-bound birds are flying low
To
reach their leafy nest.
With flaming banners floating wide
The
day in glory dies,
While o’er the land on every side
The
twilight shadow lies.
Some charm with every passing hour
Still
greets the watchful eye,
Some beauty found in tree of flower
In
earth or sea or sky.
And some new charm each day finds birth
For
loving eyes to see,
If heaven is fairer than the earth,
Ah,
what must heaven be!
Webster. S. G. R.
____________
July 13, ‘10
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
Town
and Country
Oh, wifey’s in the
country now,
Out where it’s cool and nice;
She sits upon the
hotel porch,
Cool as a cake of ice.
While I am in the
city hot,
With naught to comfort me;
Abandoned, sad, a
slave to work,
As lonely as can be.
To cheer me up I
dine with Jones
At the “Good Fellows’ Club”;
(I wonder if she
ever thinks
Of her poor, lonely hub?)
I lunch at “Café
Jovial,”
Where music cheers my soul;
And there to drown
my grief some more,
I float within a bowl.
And still I am so
much depressed
My spirits sunk so low,
I go down to the
lighted square
And seek a burlesque show.
I buy a middle,
front row seat,
(Nay, nay, my head’s not bare),
So I can better
see and hear
Of all that’s doing there.
The show is merry,
light and free,
I am not quite so blue;
The jokes they
cause me to forget
They are so very new.
But when the
curtain goes at last
I’m blue again, and so
I go down to a
night café
Where warmer spirits flow.
Oh, wifey’s in the
country now,
Where everything is green;
And I am in the
dusty town –
It is not fair, I ween.
Of course, she’d
come a-flying back
If she but knew my plight;
But I will try to
bear my grief
And leave her in delight.
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“The
way to look at a thing is frum your p’int uv view supposin’ thet you’re the
other feller.”
______
Purely Personal
K.
I. D., Brockton – Just because the government has confiscated 8,000,000 ice
cream cones is no reason why we ought to come under the jurisdiction of the
pure food laws. You can’t raise our ire this hot weather, or a dollar, either.
You might become a joke writer in time, but if you are getting a good living
there we’d advise you first of all to stick to your last.
______
Cheerful Comment
Our
seven kinds of weather ain’t to be sneezed at.
Airshipping,
in some respects, is pretty much in the air.
Everybody
is glad that the hot wave at Campbellton, N. B., is over.
So
after all, the missing link is to be supplied by the Grand Trunk; aha!
Can’t
that Boit brothers hold up and ransom adventure near Vallombroso, Italy, be
worked up into a comic opera for next season?
Anyway,
Pittsburg is not in he dark as regards the influence of crime films, and has
prohibited the showing of such in her moving picture houses.
Now
doth the little busy bee buzz round the
meadow lot, and for the summer
folk, O gee! He makes it passing hot. He gathers honey all the day from open
flowers and plants, but he would rather sting, they say, a pair of white duck
pants!
______
A Gungywamp
Precaution
Hank
Stubbs – Ol’ man Mimes is diggin’ a subway frum his house to his sullar, they
say.
Bige
Miller – Yaas; he says airships are gittin’ so thick in the papers that he
expects to see lots uv ‘em goin’ over soon an’ he’s gonter be all ready fur
emerguncies.”
______
My Awful Crime
The dimly-lighted room was still
That
summer eve, – so still and weirdly
warm
That ev’ry moment seemed to thrill
With
warnings wild of fast approaching storm.
I languished in the mellow gloom
And
waited there for one I knew was nigh;
I felt that presence in the room,
And
lo, behold it soon was closely by!
On, on I crept, – the room grew warmer,
stiller, –
I raised my hand .
. and then –
I
killed a miller!
Mendon, Mass. “JAC” LOWELL.
____________
July 14, 1910
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
Hen
Billins’s’ Great Problem
Hen
Billin’s set in Stoke’s store,
As
he had often set afore,
An’
whittled on a piece uv wood
As
only Henry Billin’s could.
‘Cuz
Henry, when he had a load
Upon
his mind, we allus knowed;
We
knowed he’d trouble an’ unrest
Becuz
he whittled like persest.
The
chips they dropped upon the floor
Around
the stove in Stoke’s store;
But
otherwise he never stirred,
An’
never said a single word.
“Waal,
Hen,” says Cap’n Joe, says he,
“You’re
purty quiet, seems to me;
What’s
on your mind? You lost your tongue,
Or
is your indergestion sprung?”
Hen
Billin’s then he dropped the stick,
An’
shet his knife up with a click,
An’
with a movement, more than slow,
He
turned an’ looked at Cap’n Joe.
An’
then a stillness settled o’er
The
atmosphere uv Stoke’s store,
An’
each one listened right away,
To
hear what Hen wuz goin’ to say.
An’
Hen he give a little grin,
An’
stroked the stubble on his chin,
An’
drawled, his voice exceedin’ low:
“Waal,
I wuz wond’rin’, Cap’n Joe,
Jest
what the differunce would be
Ef,
t’weed-dum’ wuz ‘tweed-dee’,”
An’
ev’ry feller, ‘ceptin’ Cap,
Laughed
like his trouser band would snap!
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“The
boy an’ the onion bed ain’t apt to git on well together ef they are left alone.”
______
Sporting Note
They
are still speaking and writing of it as the “big fight,” but why?
______
Cheerful Comment
Jay
Gould wore a full beard, too.
Well,
“Uncle Cy” can’t always be Young.
And
Brandenburg is a failure at writing fiction.
“Home
Again” is the favorite song of the Yankee-Canadian farmers.
Is
it dangerous for an American wife to go abroad with her husband?
A
ten-spot will take you over to New York to see the films, and back.
Perhaps
Mayor White will get out of jail sooner if he strikes up poetry writing.
The
next Roosevelt book may be titled, “Following in His Father’s Footsteps.”
Planes
may rise and planes may fall, but aviating will go on forever.
A
contemporary comes out with the advice, “Don’t kiss the babies.” Of course,
that means the little ones.
Soldier’s
Field from Sept. 3rd to 13th, will be the scene of high
flyers, instead of high rollers.
Doubtless
somebody needs a blowing up for the responsibility of that Everett fireworks
explosion.
“Doc”
Osler has just celebrated his 71st birthday, and still shows no sign
of throwing up the “sponge.”
______
Political Note
There
may be a letter “B” on the pat blades of Penn., but what would you say to the
letter “R” on the oyster shells around Oyster Bay.
______
Hot Weather Menu
BREAKFAST
Iced eyeopener.
Frozen
grapefruit.
Cold storage water.
Water-cooled
cereal.
Refrigerator cream.
Chilled
hen fruit. Snow dressing.
Alaskaed
salmon with North Pole oil.
Iced coffee with cold lady
fingers.
Icicle pantellas.
______
Ice Cream and
Cupid
Ice
cream may tend to cool the system, but as a cooler of love’s young dream it is
an absolute failure. This was proven conclusively at Riverhead, L. I., a few
nights since, when Robert W. Duvall of Oyster Bay, and a young lady of
Riverhead went out to a neighborhood ice cream parlor and brought up at the
Congregational parsonage and were married. The lack of ice cream is what
oftentimes makes a breach in Cupid’s ranks and cools love’s ardor. A generous
supply of ice cream is apt to put a girl in a happy frame of mind, and young
Duvall, who is a lawyer, was awake to the fact and secretly took along a
marriage license. At the psychological moment he proposed and was accepted, and
the young couple instead of returning home to the girl’s parents, taking along
a quart of cream for the perspiring old folks, started off on their honeymoon.
Doubtless ice cream-inclined young couples around Riverhead will be watched by
their anxious parents all through the sweltering season, and probably not a few
will have a goodly supply at home when the young men call so there will be no
excuse for going out.
____________
July 15, 1910
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
O,
for an Aeroplane!
I wish I had an
aeroplane,
With long and silken wings;
With steering
wheel, and motor real,
And little valves and springs.
Propeller whirling
bright and fast,
All ready for the fray;
An airship great,
right up to date,
I wish I had today.
The tank chuck
full of gasoline,
A blue and cloudless sky;
A crowd to cheer,
and drain my fear,
And watch me gayly fly.
O, would I had an
aeroplane
Such as I’ve mentioned here;
Ah! It would be,
kind friends for me,
My crowning time of year!
And would I sail
the heavens blue,
And cut a pigeon wing?
And duck and swerve,
and rise and curve,
And all that sort of thing?
Not on your life;
I’d sell the craft
To some enthusing jake,
Then I would drop
my roller-top,
And my vacation take!
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“The
feller who never takes chances never takes anything ‘ceptin’ what the world’s a
mind to give him.”
______
Theatrical Note
Fine
press agent work, “Mme. Polaire slugging champion John Arthur Jackson”!
______
Financial Note
If
we had one of those new $10 counterfeit certificates how we would hate to give
it up!
______
Cheerful Comment
Vesuvius
won’t stay put.
Higher
education at Harvard beginning Sept. 3.
Anyway,
Philadelphia wasn’t slow to accept the pictures.
At
last it seems some one has made a Hitt with Miss Elkins.
“Taft
to quit Beverly”? Why, is there anything wrong with the links?
Fine,
the milk officials are announced pure and un-adulterated.
The
sparrows are lowering the cost of high living in Pittsburg.
Both
sides appear to be a little filmy as to the moving picture outcome in Boston.
Wonder
if the report is true that the natives around Soldier’s Field are beginning to
dig cyclone cellars?
Durand,
the heavy-weight pugilistic champion of the navy, was knocked out some time ago
in one round by a negro named Scarborough, and now the circuit court of
Hampton, Va., has called time by giving him one year.
______
Placing the
Responsibility
Mrs.
Rapp – Men are not what they used to be!
Mr.
Rapp – No; the women have a deal more towards shaping affairs than they used to
have.
______
Airing Troubles
There
is an old adage, probably not from Webster’s spelling book, that says: “Go tell
your troubles to the policeman.” If people would only follow that advice many
of their troubles would undoubtedly diminish rather than multiply, but some
folks have the happy faculty of telling their troubles to strangers, and when
they do that, something is likely to happen. A Connecticut woman had an
experience recently that ought to be a lesson to all married women, grass widows
and otherwise, for several generations to come. It seems she was travelling on
a large excursion steamer and accidently made the acquaintance of a sleek
appearing young fellow who looked sympathetic and well bred. She was burdened
with the thought that she and her husband were living apart, but that the good
man was still contributing to her support, and quite carelessly told the young
man the amount.
“You
ought to receive more than that,” said the young man, and immediately he became
a lawyer and told her he could fix the thing up for her. It only needed a
little cash capital in advance, which she later drew from the bank and gave
him, together with her wedding ring. After living in her good graces a few days
the self-appointed lawyer bethought himself that a trip to New York would be
good for his health. But the law works quickly in some places, and he was held
up at the railroad station. Now he is in jail, while the confiding grass widow
is thinking it over. Beware of the dark-eyed stranger, nor let him try to
secure you an increase of allowance. After all, the policeman is a pretty safe
fellow to buttonhole and pour out your tribulations upon.
____________
July 16, ‘10
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
Hiram
Cobb’s Hardship
“What makes you
look so awful thin,
So glum an’ pale an’ sore?”
Said Amos Green to
Hiram Cobb,
In Stokes’s grocery store.
“Land sakes, I’ve
knowed you forty years,
An’ I hev never seen
You look so peaked
heretofore,”
Said neighbor Green.
“I s’pose I hev
changed jest a bit,”
Said Hiram Cobb to Ame;
“But I just want
you folks to know
It ain’t myself to blame.
I’ve got the
indergestion bad,
Can’t eat, my stummuck sore,
Jest like to die,”
says Hiram Cobb,
In Stokes’s grocery store.
“You see my wife
hez gone away,
An’ daughter, Mary Jane
Who’s teacher in a
cookin’ school,
Hez come back home again.
Now Mary Jane’s
all right, some ways,”
Says Hiram, ruther grim,
“But theerizin’ on
her pa
Is purty hard fur him1”
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“Ef
your life seems all the way up the hill mebbie you’ve taken the wrong road.”
______
Pavement
Philosophy
Go
early and you’ll get in the rush.
Low
cut gowns are not that way in price.
Some
captains of industry are merely pirates.
How
women who can’t wear high heels detest them!
Misfortune
overtakes the speeders rather than the plodders.
Skeletons
in most closets are too well kept – and aired.
The
average farmer’s boy isn’t looking for any hay-day of youth.
A
watched pot never boils; it doesn’t have to, the watcher does that.
There
are other fish besides the biggest ones that get away, but you never hear of
them.
Souvenir
hunting and shop lifting are more closely related than first cousins.
Street
cars are always too fast of too slow for some of the passengers.
Don’t
have two strings to your bow, but have an extra one in your pocket.
The
hobo has this much to his credit: He isn’t a wolf in sheep’s clothing.
It
only takes two to make a quarrel, but they are bound to get a third party into
it if it’s possible.
You
have reasons for disliking some people, but for the life of you, you can’t see
why they dislike you.
What
a world of early risers this would be if they all thought they’d wake up to
find themselves famous.
______
Appreciation
Appreciated
Mrs.
Feeder – Didn’t I give you something to eat yesterday?
Tramp
– Yes, mum, you did, but to tell you the truth, mum, dat pie was so good I jes’
couldn’t resist de temptation of comin’ back an’ tellin’ you about it.
Mrs.
Feeder – You poor man, you shall have another piece off from the same pie.
______
Must
(Contributed.)
I
must be strong,
I must be brave;
Busy,
not idle,
Hero, not slave.
I
must be tender,
I must be true;
Justice
to render,
Mercy to do.
I
must be resolute,
Fear to defy;
Passion
to conquer,
Folly to fly.
Ah!
Self hath no power,
Itself to renew;
I
must be God’s child,
So, friend, must you.
Somerville. H. A. KENDALL.
______
Gungy News Item
Hank
Stubbs – I hear they’s a new arrival over to Patterson’s.
Bige
Miller – Summer boarder, or all the year round?
______
Vacation Time
(Contributed,)
How blest are they who drop all sordid
care,
And
with old nature walk awhile abroad;
Where
tree and flower, blue sky and verdant sod,
Sweet echoes wake of childhood’s trustful
prayer.
The wind that blows o’er yonder flowery
field,
The
little bird that sings on swaying bough,
The
happy lad who whistles at his plough;
To wakened hearts all these some message
yield.
God speaks through nature; in the hum of a
bee,
The
brook’s cool song, wide stream’s majestic flow;
The sighing winds, the mighty restless
sea.
In
many ways His glory He doth show
Who reads aright, from galling bondage
free,
With
zeal renewed to wonted task shall go.
Webster. SAMUEL G. REA.
____________
July 17, ‘10
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
The
Summer Fisherman
At
break of day he takes his pole,
And
there is music in his soul.
A
jug of “water” from the well
(At
least that’s what we’ve heard him tell).
And
then he takes his trusty boat
And
soon he’s on the lake afloat.
He
seeks the shady spots with care,
And
hour by hour he fishes there.
The
sun goes up and down again,
But
not a nibble does he ken.
The
jug is emptied, lunch all gone,
But
he is never quite forlorn.
And
when the shades of night have fell,
He
paddles back to the hotel.
The
boarders try to jolly him,
But
he is game up to the brim.
“It’s
not the fish I catch,” says he,
“It’s
just the fun of going, see?”
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“Ef
a man is wuth doin' at all, he’d better be left undone.”
______
Chinese Note
The
Americans have hard work in converting a few of the Chinese in China, but they say
over there that the “Melican cigalettee is allee light.”
______
Cheerful Comment
Political
activity in the Bryan camp.
Too
many mayors may spoil Lawrence.
Clara
Ward has had another attack of divorcitis.
It
appears that women are still seeking the Kingdom.
Wonder
if any of Oscar’s illness was due to a change of hats?
If
that third term seed gets planted the blooming thing may grow.
The
baseball star of today may be the Halley’s comet (doused) of tomorrow.
What
would the paragraphers do if they really do make Pittsburg a spotless city?
You
don’t have to, but you can take your hat off to the state flag if you want to.
The
new counterfeit $2 bill might give us a little uneasiness, but we have no fears
from the $10 one.
It
is very evident that those people can’t have very much to do who are hanging
round waiting for the leaning tower of Pisa to fall.
______
Training Note
“A little
spanking, now and then,”
Is excellent for
little men.
______
Sufficient
“They
say that lightning never strikes twice in the same place.”
“Well,
is there any reason why it should?”
______
Easy Essays
(The
Cucumber.)
It
will have to be conceded, of course, that the most popular brand of long green
is the kind that comes in the pay envelope after a week’s hard work, but a
close second is the long green that comes off the garden vine, known to
patients, and the doctors who attend them, as the cucumber. The cucumber is
responsible for all that has been said of written of it, good, bad or
indifferent. The cucumber is a wonderful creation; it contains more joy and
more suffering to the square inch than anything beyond the spread of the
branches of a green apple tree.
Probably
there is no vegetable from the garden that is looked forward to with more
eagerness than the cucumber, and none that wears better as the summer season
advances. Surely, there is no vegetable that will stay with one longer than the
cucumber, or is more easily prepared. In fact, the paring is all there is to
it. The cucumber is, of course, more or less seedy on the inside; but, unlike
people, it is never seedy on the outside. It always looks cool and comfortable
and is clothed in good taste. No one can deny that the cucumber isn’t tasty.
The
cucumber is called “cuke” for short, because it saves much time when ordering,
and amongst business men who have considerable cucumber talk on their hands. It
is said the “cuke” will grow an inch a night, and two inches in the moonlight.
At any rate, the cucumber needs lots of room because it travels fast. It will
grow most anywhere, but much better in a garden than on brick pavement. The
cucumber, when young, is very useful for pickles, and when old for throwing at
your neighbor’s hens.
____________
July 18, 1910
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
“Aunt
Delia’s” Pies
“O, pies may come
and pies may go,
Pies fancy, rich, and clever;
But I would eat
those thick and sweet
“Aunt Delia’s” pies forever!”
– White House Chantey.
You may sing of the pies of the “High Brow
Hotel,”
Which
are fair as the cheeks of a maiden;
Of pies that are thick, and pies that are
slick,
With
juices and fruits heavy laden.
You may sing of the pies that your mother
once made,
Of
the crust and the exquisite juices;
But the pies that are best, that will
stand every test,
Are
the pies that “Aunt Delia” produces.
I care not for travel in jungles afar,
Though
I may have a system of iron;
I don’t care to sport with the people at
court,
Nor
be classed as a big social lion.
But I’d give a good deal for the simple
life,
For
its pleasures as well as its uses;
And golf I’d forsake to be at the bake
Of
the pies that “Aunt Delia” produces!
“Sing a song of sixpence
A
pocket full of rye;
I’d rather have a helping
Of
Aunt Delia’s pie.”
– White
House Nursery Rhyme.
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“Stick,
an’ you’ll succeed – ef you ain’t too badly stuck.”
______
Aviation Note
Strange
that the Catholic Universe, published in Ohio, should try to discourage men
from trying to get higher up.
______
Followed by
Silence
He
– What do you consider the best age to marry?
She
– The present age.
______
Two Dollar Advice
Doctor
– You will have to go on a diet.
Patient
– But, doctor, I’ve been dieting for six months already.
Doctor
– Well, start in now on the things you haven’t been eating.
______
Cheerful Comment
A
cold wave is almost as good as a Marcel.
But
of what use would be a silent cannon, anyhow?
It
behooves the clams along the coast to duck their heads.
There
will be lots of fluttering when those big man birds gather at the stadium.
The
government will fish a long time before it lands a better boat than the Salmon.
Rather
funny that in Harry Lauder’s native land the gallery should try to “hoot mon.”
There
are now and then soldiers of fortune, but Pittman appears to be one of
misfortune.
Seven
automobile accidents and seven drownings is pretty high toll to pay for one
Sunday’s pleasures.
The
boat rocker and the one who didn’t know it was loaded appear to be about neck
and neck up to the present.
With
three big railroad strikes in view and his financial tide at low ebb it looks
pretty dubious for the belated summer vacationist.
______
Oyster Bay Note
White
duck appears to be the colonel’s long suit.
______
The Flower Season
(Dear
Jocosity – If the inclosed poem is consigned to the wastebasket I won’t find
fault, and will be your favorite reader, as ever. J.
B.)
My
dear J C
, I like you,
Because you cheer me so;
Each
morning before breakfast
I’m curious to know
What
spice will aid digestion,
What sauce you have in store,
For
those who, without question,
Will read you o’er and o’er.
Dorchester. J.
B.
My
Dear J. B. – He would be a hard proposition, indeed, who would through a
bouquet in the waste basket; they are too scarce and high. Jocosity is glad you
read him before breakfast every morning. If you can stand him on an empty
stomach it only goes to show that he is giving you good goods. Many a man can
do on a full stomach what he couldn’t do on an empty one. We are wondering if
you take “Jocosities” in place of grapefruit. Of course, Jocosity wouldn’t want
to be a means of hurting the fruit raising industry, but when you come forward
and admit publicly that you read him every morning before breakfast it makes
him throw out his chest a little further and imagine perhaps, he is becoming a
little captain of industry, a little joke monopolist all by himself. Thank you,
J. B., may indigestion or cramps never follow your morning appetizer.
FATHER
JOCOSITY.
______
Treating Drusilla
(Contributed.)
“It’s
my treat,” he said to Drusilla;
“Oh,
thanks, I’m most fond of vanilla!”
Then plate after plate
She sat there and ate –
He
went broke before he could filla.
Dorchester. H. E. F.
____________
July 19, ‘10
JOCOSITIES
____
By
JOE CONE
A
City Poem, With Variations
The city streets
are hot and dry,
The cost of living
still is high.
But up and down
the streets all day
The crowd goes on
the same old way.
The same old
bargain hunters rush
Up to the counters
with a crush.
(Gee! How I wish
that I could take
A two week’s rest
down by the lake!)
The summer shows
are running, too,
And lots of people
still pursue.
The cafes are
ablaze with lights
For people who
have appetites.
The crowds are
large, exceeding gay;
You’d hardly think
some were away.
(All this is fine,
but Oh, my soul,
That boat and Crick
and fishing pole!)
The parks are
fine, the fountains sweet,
The city concerts
can’t be beat;
The people who
remain in town,
Are jolly, and
won’t be cast down.
Why not join in
and make the time
Pass like a merry
measured rhyme?
(I would, but that
confounded Crick
Keeps butting in
and makes me sick!)
______
Uncle Ezra Says:
“It
ain’t so much what a man earns ez ‘tis what he gives his wife each week.”
______
Nautical Note
One
of the worst drawbacks of the season is the fact that nobody has thought to
invent a game of water golf.
______
Cheerful Comment
Money
by the barrel at Zion City.
“After
you, my dear Alphonse Vahey!”
The
Zeppelin airship company has its ups as well as downs.
Isn’t
our little mayor becoming quite New Yorkish, though?
With
later subway service, a later Nantasket boat and all night half-hour cars –
well, home was never like this!
By
the way, if your trunk is coming via the Grand Trunk it might be belated.
We
never thought it would be necessary for T. R. to talk through a tin horn.
The
Poets’ International Union expects Emperor William to produce his license card.
Better
look up the addresses of that half-dozen saloons if you contemplate going over
to New York on the midnight.
______
Travel Note
It’s
a pretty ordinary fugitive who isn’t seen in a dozen places at the same time.
______
The Publisher’s
Idea
Publisher
– What’s this?
Writer
– It’s a dummy of my new novel that I’m going to take up with you when you can
spare me the leisure.
Publisher
– Never mind the manuscript;
I think I’d prefer to publish the dummy.
______
Spare the Skunk
That
the skunk has other uses than keeping country folk in o’ nights is the belief
of Prof. Frank E. Wood of the Illinois Laboratory of Natural History. It would
seem that Prof. Wood is an enthusiastic skunk – we mean skunk enthusiast, and
asserts that the flesh of the much dreaded beast is white, tender and of a
delicious flavor if the scent glands are removed. Yet, “if the scent glands are
removed,” but one can’t remove the scent glands until the skunk is caught, and
it is no amateur’s job to go out and catch a skunk as he would a pond perch or
a quart of blackberries.
Prof.
Wood goes on the say: “No animal is more unjustly persecuted than the skunk. It
is the best friend the farmer has, destroying enormous quantities of grubs,
beetles, grasshoppers, mice and moles.” The professor didn’t include a fellow’s
suit of clothes, a girl’s Sunday-go-to-meeting dress, helpless chickens, and
defenceless hen’s eggs. The professor forgot that.
We
shall have to disagree with the Illinois champion of the skunk insofar as it
being the best friend a farmer has, The farmer’s best friend is his wife, and
next to her is his neighbor. Then comes the horse, cow and dog, and sandwiched
in somewhere comes his pocketbook. The
professor has pictured only his good side, which is the outside, but the skunk
has an inside which when it is turned outside would, we think, send the
professor flying in four different directions at once.
The
skunk may be good to eat, but we think he is better to let alone. We were
brought up in skunk country, and have associated with him more or less. We have
nothing against the skunk, and we don’t want him to have anything against us,
thank you.
____________
July 20, 1910
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