Jocosities - June, 1909

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Elevated Train

We wish they’d hurry up and bring

The air-ship into play,

And not be telling fairy tales

About it every day.

Week after week we’ve looked for it,

And strained our eyes in vain;

And still we’re using, morn and night,

The elevated train.

We’re packed and jammed and crowded in

Like sardines in a can,

And when we reach our journey’s end

We scarce resemble man.

Year in year out we’ve sought release,

But we have sought in vain;

While they are flying in their minds,

We use the same old train.

The submarine has come and gone,

The auto’s most passé;

The wireless is a dream no more,

And Mars not far away;

But to and fro, from home to town,

From town to home again,

The airship yet has nothing on

The elevated train.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Nothin’ succeeds like success they say, an’ yit how is a feller goin’ to succeed at all when success is allus successfully a-dodgin’ him?”

______

His Day’s Work

He applied for a position on the paper, and after he had told his story, which was a good one, the managing editor put him in charge of the “Questions and Answers” department. The next day he was quietly removed, “for the welfare of the institution.” A careful perusal of his day’s work, which fortunately did not get by the eagle eye of the verification editor, will throw a little light on the question as to why the management accepted his resignation, and no questions asked:

Student – Who wrote the “Mill on the Floss”? Maxine Elliott.

Bookworm – Whose translation of Omar would you recommend to a most discriminating reader?  Ex-Mayor Fitzgerald’s is the favorite version.

Young Architect – Please name the highest skyscraper in the world, and where located. W. J. Bryan’s castle in the air. Over Washington.

Pet Lover – What is the average life of the American cat? Nine times one.

Springtime – Do you pay poets? It depends on how you look at it; we shoot them if possible.

History – Who was Joan of Arc? Noah’s wife.

Economy – Are millionaires overpaid? Here, or hereafter?

______

Something Doing

No sooner has the Christmas joy

       Passed in and out the door,

Than does the av’ridge active boy

       Look for July the Four.

______

Slightly Mixed

A farmer who was on intimate terms with his grocer sent him the following bit of news considerably mixed with as order for goods:

“Send me a sack of flower, five pounds of coffee and one pound of tea. My wife gave birth to a baby boy last night also five pounds of cornstarch, a screw driver and fly trap. It weighed 10 pounds and a straw hat and they say it looked like his pa and a hinde of bacon.”

______

Uncle Ezra’s Idee

“Don’t talk to me uv ‘up to date,’”   

     Said Uncle Ezra Pelham;

“Them city folks are allus late,

     Ef any one should tell ‘em.”

“An’ then, agin, it’s my idee,”

     Said Uncle Ezra, yawnin’,

“The man who’s up to date is he

     Who gits up in the mornin’.”

____________

June 1, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Your Bait

If you are going out to fish

     Where beck’ning waters wait,

In your anticipated joy,

     Do not forget your bait.

It matters not how nice your rod,

     Or reel of silver plate,

You cannot coax a fish to bite

     If you forget your bait.

If you are working out a scheme

     In stocks or real estate

Don’t think that you can coax your fish

     Without the proper bait.

Life is a fishing game right through,

     You’ll sit and sit and wait

For fame, success and wealth unless

     You’re well supplied with bait.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“The caow makes a cheap lawn mower, but she ain’t very partic’lar with the work.”

______

Cheerful Comments

Are you doing anything to flee the fly?

Great Scott! Will the ultimate consumer have to pay for the overtime?

And it frequently happens that there is more noise made about than by a big cannon.

It may be now in the nature of things that the jingle will be beaten to a frazzle.

Even if you don’t admit that you are growing old, people know it when you begin to hanker for a quiet Fourth.

Ever notice how frequently a fan has an expression on his face which means, “Gee, but I wish I had a-hold of that ball!”

______

Street Primer

See the man with the long, gray cloth case. He also has w wicker Creel under his arm. The wicker creel has no noticeable downward Sag. Now the man has dodged into a fish market. First he looked up and down the street to see if any of his Friends were in sight. Why should the man be ashamed to be seen going into the market? I don’t know why, Little One; it is very peculiar. He has just returned from a very Successful fishing trip. The Trip was very successful. Now he has come out again. We were mistaken; the creel has a noticeable Sag after all.

Doubtless he stopped to show the marketman what a fine basket of Trout he brought from the country. Now he has met a friend. Yes, he did get a fine string of trout in the country. He is holding one up. Isn’t it a beauty? The friend is Laughing. Why should the friend Laugh just because the man caught a nice mess of trout in the country? Now he has gone around the corner out of sight, and the Friend has gone into the fish market.

(P.S. – Seeing is believing in Everything except Fishing – and the Delirium Tremens.)

______

Overhead Traffic

“You used to hear about sky terriers.”

“Yes?”

“Well, it will soon be sky terrors.”

______

A Critical Position

“That shipwreck scene in Grinder’s new novel founded on fact?”

“no; as I understand it, she merely foundered on fiction.”

____________

June 2, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

______

The Verse Thief

There’s the man who steals your airship, and the man who steals your cash,

And the man who robs your larder of its bacon and its hash;

There’s the man who grabs your clothing when it’s hung upon the line,

And the chap who steals your poultry when the stars but faintly shine.

They are all low-down productions of this grasping human race,

And sometimes the law provides them with a proper roosting place.

But there’s one obnoxious robber who should know the prison game –

He’s the man who steals the products of your pen and kills your name.

You could well forgive the robber who “mistakes” your new silk hat

For one he’s been a-wearing for ten years, or more than that;

You could overlook the “humor,” as you frequently have done,

Of leaving a silk umbrella to find a cotton one.

You could e’en forgive a horse thief, since you’ve bought a limousine,

And the man who robs your larder you could cotton to, I ween;

But the thief who steals your verses, and destroys the credit due,

He should have verse for a diet, till his crop is black and blue.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Two kin live ez cheap ez one ef one gits all the livin’.”

______

Baby Champions

At last the baby is to have a fair show in Chicago. Gov. Dineen declares he will sign the bill passed by the Legislature which provides that no lease for an apartment house shall contain a clause barring children. This will be score “one” for Toodles, as no doubt, like all useful fads, the Chicago idea will spread. Taking it all in all, the baby in the large cities has been having a pretty hard time. In many cases he can’t get the good air and needful sunshine, and then to take from him the comfortable shelter, what is he going to do? He can’t fight for his rights, and if his parents dare fight for him they are told to move on to the next burg. If babies could only be born at 10 or 12 years of age, what a lot of bugabooing it would save the landlords, and how much anxiety the parents. But they will persist in being born young, hence the Legislature finds it necessary to take a hand in securing suitable rearing quarters. When the bill becomes a law the babies throughout the land should take a day off, and should institute what should stand for all time, a holiday to be known as “babies’ day.”

______

While Ye May

You’d better take the circus in,

     An’ see all you kin see,

Especially the animals,

     Becuz you know that he

Is out there in the jungle yet,

     As busy as kin be;

An’, if he keeps his gait, bimeby

     There won’t be none to see.

______

A Skilled Whip

Irate passenger – I believe you’re driving over every stone in the road!

Driver – Waal, sir, it takes a purty good driver to hit ‘em all.

______

As You Look at It

He (enthusiastically) – At last I have found my mate!

She (innocently) – You mean your match.

______

At Present

D – o – g spells “dog,”

             C – a – t spells “cat”;

But h – a – i – r,

             That spells “rat.”

                             – Boston Herald

P – i – g spells “pig,”

             B – a – t spells “bat”;

H – a – y – c – o – c – k –

             That spells “hat.”

                             – Houston Post

____________

June 3, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Uncle Ezra Visits The Circus

“Give me a succus ev’ry time,

     When speakin’ uv a “show”;

It is the biggest thing on earth,

An’ that is why I go.

Where kin you find sech rows on rows

Uv annermuls alive?

It beats the jungle uv itself,

     An’ “peanuts two for five!”

Where kin you find so many freaks?

     Not even on the street;

For growin’ snakes the side-show’s got

     The liquor bizniz beat.

Where could you see so many carts,

     In sech a gorgeous line?

An’ music? Waal, it beats the band,

     “The lemonade is fine!”

Trained annermuls? Waal, I should say,

     Frum mastodons to pigs;

An’ clowns all up an’ down the line,

     In funny stunts an’ rigs.

Trapeze performers, red an’ green,

     Swung at a fearful rate;

Three rings uv horses, trained to kill,

     “The ice cream cones is great!”

The bareback riders, whoopelah!

     Waal, that is ridin’ some;

An’ hoss trots? Never seen the like

     In Gungawamp, I vum!

An’ tumblers, strong men who could lift

     The earth sure’s you are born;

An’ purty painted ladies, waal –

     “Jest try the pink popcorn!”

Trained ellerfunts, with human brains,

     Frum India’s coral strands;

Though they’re so big they’re most afraid

     To hev them on their hands.

But jest give me the succus, it

     Beats any show alive.

Great fun, great features ev’rywhere,

     An’ “peanuts, two for five!”

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Bizniz is bizniz till it gits to be somethin’ wus.”

______

Cheerful Comments

Wheat feels soar, but the public is feeling more so.

At any rate, young Pulitzer has a good start in the World.

The man who hesitates is lost, but leave it to the chauffeur to find him. Africa ought to be proud of its list of animals that it never knew it possessed.

That North Carolina preacher who insists that the world is flat evidently has never hunted cows in a typical New England pasture.

Alfred Mosely, English investigator of social and economic conditions, who says “there are no children in America,” evidently has never attended a junior ball game on the Common.

A bean has been discovered in Texas six of which will produce intoxication. Six beans will never be considered a load in Boston. – Minn. Journal. Not as compared with a genuine Minneapolis load.

______

Not Guilty

Bill Jones, the eminent Gungawamp grocer, was asked by letter if he was the recipient of the appended order entitled, “Slightly Mixed,” and in reply Bill wrote the following characteristic denial:

“This order was never received by me or put up by same. I never seen it till you sent it, and wouldn’t have put it up if I had seen it whether it was ordered here or not. I wouldn’t have bothered to separate it from each other. I think it is a joke, and orter to be put up as such, and not be used to bother merchants with who have to put up with a great deal besides groceries. I return your order herewith, as I am out of most of the same, but have some ordered and on the way. You had better put up same to the groceryman further down the street, who never has nothin’ on hand anyway, and what he does have is always sp’iled.”

______

Where Boys Go

The pastor came across the lot,

     Beside the brooklet fair;

He was upon his way to church,

     A boy was fishing there.

The pastor stopped and rubbed his eyes,

     Could scarce believe his sight;

“My boy,” said he, “do you not know

     Where little boys alight

Who fish on Sunday?” “Yes, indeed,

     They light right here,” said he;

“You orter fetched along your pole,

     And fished awhile with me.”

______

Those Elusive Martians

Why is it that certain people insist that the Martians are a superior race to ours? If they are so much why in the world haven’t they discovered us long ago? Of course, there comes the argument that perhaps they have, but we have been so inferior they didn’t think us worth their while.

______

The Distributor

He was a great philanthropist,

     He beat his workmen down;

They had to buy goods at his store,

     He owned full half the town.

He died, and gave a library

     And elegant Town Hall;

It looked as though he’d simply pinched

     From Peter to pay Paul.

______

Too True

Mrs. Hopper – It’s just as much economy for me to pay $25 for a hat as for you to pay $20 for a fishing trip.

Mr. Hopper – How do you make that out?

Mrs. Hopper – I get something for my money.

______

Move Over

The end seat – you read about,

          Is really not to blame, you know;

It is a force of habit, he

          Was end man in a minstrel show.

____________

June 4, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Rural Ruthers

Yes, sir, that’s me,

      I’d ruther go

An’ fish all day

      Than see a show.

I’d ruther hear

      My line go “spat”,

Than wear a crown

      Fur my ol’ hat.

I’d ruther eat

      Fish ev’ry day,

Than pizened food

      The foreign way.

I’d ruther hev

      A pick’rel sweet,

An’ not a bomb

      Fall at my feet.

I’d ruther hold

      My rod an’ reel

Than turn an’ twist

      An auto wheel.

I’d ruther fish

      All day, by gum,

Than rule a throne –

      That’s fishin’ some.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Ev’ry boy likes a succus, an’ ev’ry succus welcomes a boy, even ef he is a little advanced in years.”

______

Street Primer

See the baseball Fan!

He is on the top seat of the Bleachers. His hat is on the back of his head so he can see the Ball if it comes his way. He has all the afternoon before him and all the forenoon after him, but he is anxious to see the game start. His Voice is ready to Open, and he wishes to use some of it. It has lain practically Dormant, though restless, since the last game.

“Why is he called a Fan, Little One?” Well, when he swings and doesn’t connect, he “Fans.” When the man on the bleachers uses his Arms and his Voice, he is Fanning. As he is Fanning all through the game, naturally he is called a Fan. Listen; his Fan has begun to work. You won’t be able to hear Anything the Umpire says, but you can Watch the game. Wasn’t it Funny you thought a baseball Fan was something the ladies took to the games to Flirt with? There is no flirting at a baseball game, except that the Bleachers occasionally try to Flirt with the Umpire. Sometimes the succeed in making a Hit with him.

(P.S. Let your voice be heard. The more a man shouts at the game the less he can shout at his wife when he gets home. The average Fan’s wife says baseball is All Right.)

______

June’s Rarest

“O what is so rare as a day in June?”

     Poets for years have sung and sighed;

The answer is easy: ten times more rare

Than a day in June, and ten more fair,

     The young and blushing June day bride.

______

Cheerful Comments

High priced meat has nothing on people who live on ice cream sodas.

There are just as many June grooms as June brides, but where are they?

In striving to become a millionaire it must be that the air is the easiest acquirement.

The Denver Republican wants to know: “Where is the bootjack of grandpa’s day?” Possibly it was used up on the grandson.

Perhaps Count Zeppelin’s airship was trying to make two of itself since it tried to climb a pear tree.

While it is perfectly all right, of course, it is a little hard on the pocketbook to have to buy so many wedding presents the same month the beaches open.

______

A False Alarm

“What meaneth that far-off gazing?”

     She queried of hubby at night,

As they sat in the deep’ning shadows,

     And clasped his big hand so tight.

She looked in his eyes intently,

     He stammered, and gave a cough;

“I was looking for my vacation,

     And you know it’s a long way off.”

______

Shadby Refused

The barber had performed the operation with skill and dexterity, and as he was about to drop the footrest and bolt Shadby upright, he happened to think of his stereotyped list of questions, and began:

“Face massage, sir?”

“No; not today.”

“Hair singed?”

“No.”

“Shampoo?”

“No.”

“Electric scalp treatment?”

“No.”

“Dipp’s Dandruff Cure? Beg pardon. sir, but you need it.”

“No; not today.”

“Fakir’s skin food?”

“No.”

“Manicure or shoe shine?” (Silence.)

“Hair and moustache dyed?”

By this time Shadby had lost all patience, and whirling on the innocent talking machine, he shouted, “No, no, no! I don’t want any of the things you rattled off, nor do I want a Turkish bath or be measured for a suit. I don’t want my teeth filled nor a third leg grafted on. I don’t want to be fitted to spectacles nor take a chance in a lottery. I came in to get a shave, and I asked for a shave. If I had wanted a glass eye put in I would have asked you. S – h – a – v – e, that’s what I wanted. Now proceed with the comb and brush finale!”

______

A Happy Look Ahead

Can’t really say we’re satisfied

        With spring or summer’s sound

And feel just as we ought to feel,

        Till green corn gets around.

______

On His Way

“You don’t catch me hanging round here waiting for that expedition to show up,” said the galloping kangerwollock, between bounds. “Of course, I’d like to see him all right, but it’s me for the upper Congo under forced draught. As long as we stay here we’re in the very teeth of danger.”

______

Danger Ahead

Hank Stubbs – They’ll hev to build airships so they’ll be water tight, or else I’m mistaken.

Bige Miller – Why so?

Hank Stubbs – Waal, s’posen they run into some uv that liquid air?

____________

June 5, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Before

How oftentimes you think you’ve struck

     A new and bright idea;

You jot it own instanter then,

     While it is good and clear.

You work it out when you get time,

     While you enthuse galore;

You think ‘twill pass, but find, alas!

     It has been done before.

Inventors have these troubles too,

     At least they tell me so;

They cannot pick a fortune up

     Wherever they may go.

They think they’ve got a thing that’s sure,

     They look the records o’er;

Nine out of ten they’re saddened men –

     It has been done before.

A pretty girl! Ah, what more fair?

     You wish to know her well;

You’re introduced, become good friends,

     And soon your love tale tell.

You wish you might, “just-kiss-her-once,”

     You hint, but nothing more;

“Sure thing,” says she, O Christmusee!

     She has been kissed before!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Ef things don’t look the same to you the next mornin’ it is proberly becuz you wuz mistaken the night afore.”

______

Getting on in Life

(Hand-made Letters from a City-made Son to His Home-made Father.)

Sorry to hear, dad, that you have been laid up with the grip. Unlike most of us, you won’t be sorry when you lose it. Sometimes it is a long time letting go. That particular complaint seems to know when it gets hold of a good thing. It has never seemed to me that the grip is quite fair. It insists on having the whole hold itself, and making its victim let go of ev’rything. But cheer up, dad, it might be a whole lot worse if you had the bubonic plague, or heart trouble. Of the latter, I can tell you a few things. Gladinette and I went to the beach on the holiday, and she wondered all day long how my boss could do without his chauffeur, and when I told her he was out of town, and not using his car, she asked me why I didn’t appropriate it and take her for a ride. She said if I was half a chauffeur, as chauffeurs go, she might have had many rides. I wonder, dad, how Gladinette would like a drive in the car I really steer – the elevator! Then I fell to wondering how she knew so much about chauffeurs in general. No use in talking, if she insists on me taking her for a drive, I’ve got to change my occupation or else arouse her suspicions.

I ambushed the boss yesterday, and he promised me the next vacancy in the office. Said it might come any day, now that the baseball weather had struck on. Asked me if I liked baseball and I told him I hated it. He smiled one of those peculiar ones. You can’t always tell what a smile means in business circles, dad. He asked me if I didn’t like elevatoring, and I told him I liked it for a change, only there wasn’t enough change in it, figuratively or literally. I added that it was a good job as far as it went, but that it didn’t go far enough. He said it would go further as soon as the three story addition was completed. I had no answer for that, dad, so I left him in the dull gray of the morning. Yours,   _____________

______

Busy Days

How doth the little busy bees

     Improve each moment winging

Beneath the dooryard apple trees

     Where little boys are swinging.

O, naughty little busy bees,

     The boys their hands are wringing!

Why do you always stop to tease

     The children with your stinging?

______

Cheerful Comments

Thomas W. Lawson says he’s engaged, but in several business enterprises.

It is only a step from the sweet girl graduate to the sweeter June bride.

Nobody would like to believe that the airship really come to stay.

What has the married man to say when he forgets and wears home a pansy that the girl in the office has placed in the lapel of his coat?

______

The Combination

If Boston is going into raising pigs,

     Then by all manner of means

She oughtn’t to stop there,

But shine up her ploughshare,

     And do the same thing with beans.

______

Artful Dodgers

Hank Stubbs – One thing for sure, I’ll never be killed by an autymobile runnin’ away with me.

Bige Miller – No, but one might run away ag’inst you.

____________

June 6, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

A Possible Calamity

I don’t worry ‘bout the tariff,

     Nor controllin’ uv the sky;

I hev got enough to bother

     Ez the summer days draw nigh.

Ev’ry day I keep a-thnkin’,

     An’ it makes me stop an’ sigh,

What would happen to us people      

     Ef the soda founts run dry.

Let them worry ‘bout the navy,

     Them ez like to fight an’ die;

Let them fuss ‘bout baloonin’

     Who are never hot an’ dry.

I don’t feel no kind uv worry

     ‘Bout the coal or wood supply;

But imagine what would happen

     Ef the soda founts run dry.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Ef you hev got a good gait on the road to prosperity don’t stop ev’ry little ways an’ try to buy the road.”

______

Epicurean Epigrams

“Jug” not that ye be not “jugged.”

Eat, drink, and the “merriment” naturally follows.

A good shore dinner at sea is something more than a joke.

Sometimes onions cover up a multitude of breath that is worse.

Eat less, but eat it longer seems to be the latest food for thought.

A stuffed date is nice, but it is not worth imitating.

Salted peanut are the lazy man’s luxury; half the joy is in the shelling.

Babies born with silver spoons in their mouths are more likely than others to get choked.

Some women in trying to reach a man’s heart through his stomach block the way with indigestion.

The average woman would rather say, “My husband enjoys a good cigar,” instead of “”My husband simply can’t smoke.”

______

The Menu

I like to read the menus in the papers every day,

They are so temptingly arranged, so clever in display;

I study them quite thoroughly, mean-while my appetite

Becomes so very much enlarged it fills me with delight.

I think of this and think of that, how good each one will taste,

And when the clock has crept to “one,” from office gloom I haste;

I hurry to a restaurant amid, alluring scenes,

The menu still confronting me, and buy a plate of beans.

______

Coming Question

Dreamer – I am waiting for my ship to come in.

Skemer – Air or water?

______

Pavement Philosophy

The shady side of the street has its attractions.

A wet day is an excellent time for the rubber business.

Being all run down at the heel may have nothing whatever to do with shoes.

Clothes make the man hustle to satisfy the tailor.

A little uphill is a good thing for the muscles as well as the character.

Unlike the horse, the man with half a load wants to stop and take on a full one.

Joy riding seems to have reached the summit of happiness in the sightseeing car.

Perhaps it’s all right for him to be so, but doesn’t the man who’s “all business” make you awfully tired?

______

School’s Out

The circus it has come and gone,

The small boy once more is forlorn;

But warm June days will gladden him,

For then he’ll be right in the swim.

______

Street Primer

What is the Fat Man running for?

He is trying to catch the Car. The Car didn’t see him when it went by.

Why didn’t the Car see the Fat Man?

Because one end of the Car was watching a pretty Girl cross the street, and the other end was talking to a pretty Girl near the door.

Will the Fat Man catch the Car?

No, the Fat Man will not catch the Car; the Car is the younger of the two.

What is the Fat Man doing now?

He is puffing and swearing, and one is trying to get ahead of the other. He has taken the Number of the Car and threatens to report to Headquarters immediately.

Will the Fat Man report to Headquarters?

No; it is a cool morning, and the Fat Man will cool off very quickly. He will forget the Number by the time the next Car comes.

Why did the Fat Man chase the Car so persistently?

Because he wished to Talk to the Conductor.

(P.S. – A pretty Girl has caused more than one man to Miss a Car, and it wasn’t always the Conductor’s or the Motorman’s fault. But there’s always another Car coming.)

____________

June 7, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Two of a Kind

Now Mr. Fatt and Mr. Thinn

     Met on a summer’s day;

Said Mr. Thinn to Mr. Fatt,

     “I envy you, I say,

The heat can’t cook you through and through,

     Your bulk prevents all that;

I wish I were as stout as you,”

     Said Thinn to Mr. Fatt.

Said Mr. Fatt to Mr. Thinn,

     “Would I were thin like you;

You’re much more fortunate than I,

     From any point of view.

You may get roasted, as you say,

     Sooner than I, but then,

When I am cooked just think how long

     It takes to cool again!”

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Don’t never say anything ag’in the the smile that won’t come off; there’s altergether too many that won’t never come on.”

______

Cheerful Comments

Hunt up the June groom and speak to him just to let him know that you know he is living.

You can always tell whether a person is used to riding in an automobile; that is to say, if you are not the person.

A Hub man paid $45 for killing a cow with his touring car, it is said. However, there’s no use crying over spilled milk.

It has been so long since we’ve had a get-rich-quick scheme dangling under our nose that we are almost in a mood to bite again.

The suburbanite has just cause for feeling as he does. The rain which prevents him from seeing a baseball game also makes the grass grow faster.

Before we allow ourselves to become too fully wrapped in this life higher than the top floor of a ten story apartment house, we would like to inquire of some reliable aeronautic at what altitude does the house fly become hors de combat?

______

 ______

Information Wanted

The editor of the Gungawamp Advocate received the following from a regular subscriber who wishes his name withheld until legal proceedings are well under way.

“My dear editer – What damages can I git from a autymobilist who run over my dorg last Monday with his machine going at full speed on purpose when said running over didn’t kill said dorg, but said dorg in his frightenness run through my barn yard and scart my cow so that said cow jumped out and run promiscus and knocked over twenty hills of beans with said bean poles stuck in, and broke my wife’s clothes line down and spiled some otherwise clean laundry and carried off a pair of underwear of mine on her horns? Ain’t there no redress when said dorg was tryin’ his durndest to dodge said machine, but said machine deliberately turned out and hit said dorg going so’s not to bump into a ellum tree an git spil’t out when it was full of people?”

______

Question?

Is it better to take no vacation, I say,

          But simply imagine the rest there is in it,

Than be so ding tired with getting away

          That you cannot enjoy one blessed minute?

______

Fashion Note

With curls and puffs she labors long

          To make her head look right,

And then she dons a monster hat

          And puts it out of sight.

– Toledo Blade

So silly is this maiden fair

          That we think you will find

The head which she puts out of sight

          Is also out of mind.

– Boston Traveler

When style and beauty are combined,

          What lack ye of delight?

That face you think is “out of mind” –

          Say, ain’t it “out of sight”?

         – Cleveland Leader

O kids! You know you are but sore,

          When all is said and done,

You’d think that face divine were it

          Beside your homely one.

____________

June 8, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Bottle Of Ink

He sat in the office all alone

     And his pen was in his hand;

To it he had toed a silken thread,

     And his smile was more than bland.

To the thread was tied a bended pin,

     And then, O what do you think?

He held it over his desk, and he

     Fished in his bottle of ink!

The boss he came in and saw him there,

     And quietly left again;

He wouldn’t disturb the fisherman

     With his pin and thread and pen.

He fished and he fished the hours away,

     He cared not for food or drink;

He angled all day so faithfully,

     Deep in his bottle of ink.

Night came, and it found him fishing still,

     But his smile was now a grin;

For he had discerned a wee, wee bite

     On his thread and bended pin.

When lo! He pulled on his silken thread,

     And then, on the glassy brink,

There wriggled a thought which he had caught

     Out of his bottle of ink.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Ez a rule the things thet come to you while you wait ain’t wuth waitin’ fur.”

______

Cheerful Comments

Other hats may come and go, but the derby stays forever.

One sure thing, it will be a cold day when the bald-headed man wears puffs.

Harriman is now in Paris, and the wary Frenchmen are driving extra spikes in their railroads.

Trying it on the dog is a precarious proceeding if he’s the right kind of a dog.

Life says, “It is not the worst liar who makes a hit, but the best.” Wonder who’s hit now?

If President Maclaurin looks like his alleged photographs, he’s the quickest rapid-fire change artist on record.

Of course, “seeing Boston” is delightful for the outsider, but he can never see her as Bostonians see her.

The suburbanite who can show a larger native radish than his neighbor thinks himself well paid for all the work it has caused him.

The couple who are to be married in an airship at the Seattle exposition will furnish their own rice when they start upward on their honeymoon.

The rumor that Alexander Hamilton’s picture is on the new $1000 bills is still current. – Toledo Blade. Alexander’s likeness is still in the histories if you care to see it.

______

Looking Ahead

The farmer’s droppin’ of his seeds

     Each early summer morn;

While now an’ then he plants a hill

     That’s neither beans nor corn.

He thinks to fool his neighbor’s boys,

     And chuckles in his glee;

He thinks the youngsters are asleep

     An’ thus they will not see.

But Johnny, through an attic pane,

     With spyglass in his hand,

Knows whether corn or melon seeds

     Are goin’ in the land.

______

That Bean Controversy

Still that Mr. and Mrs. Bean who named their baby girl “Lima” might have done worse, we suppose. They might have named her “Boston,” for instance, mused the Washington Herald, which witticism is interrupted by the Plain dealer, who suggests “String” or “Butter.” Now it all depends on the nationality of the Beans. What if they are Poles?

______

The Poor Suburbanite Farmer

This sort of weather’s hard upon the blithe suburbanite who has to cover up his shoots at sundown every night; who has to move his garden in beside the furnace fire, or stop and clothe each tender shoot in winter’s warm attire.

It’s hard enough, good heaven knows, to get a mess of sass when all the days and all the nights are warm enough to pass, but O, what can a farmer do who spends his times and means by putting wool pajamas on each hill of corn and beans!

______

Close Enough

“Do your two trains make close connections?”

:Sure thing; the local came within an ace of telescoping the express only yesterday.”

______

What Ails Him?

“Do you believe in love at first sight?”

“Yes; if it is true that love is blind.”

______

The Thoughtless Majority

“Many men, many minds,”

       Is a saying all recall;

Yet how often now one finds

       Many with no minds at all.

– Catholic Standard and Times.

Yet you’ll notice this is how

       Oftentimes you’ll find it;

When they have no minds at all

       They don’t seem to mind it.

____________

June 9, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Putterer

While other men are rushin’ round,

     Excited as kin be,

A-chasin’ after wealth or fame,

     Or fashion’s fillergree,

I jest walk out around the farm

     With slow and stiddy stroke;

I don’t let nothin’ worry me,

     But putter round an’ smoke.

While others chase fur frozen poles

     Ten thousan’ miles away,

In resky ships, or big balloons

     That sail away to stay,

I shamble off an’ hunt fur cows,

     Or mend a fence thet’s broke;

I think I hev a better time

     To putter round an’ smoke.

While other folk are ridin’ through

     The country roads like mad,

In autymobiles knockin’ out

     What little sense they had,

I poke along with “Jerry” ‘n’ “Jim,”

     Who look well in the yoke;

I’m safe an’ sound, an’ healthier

     To putter round an’ smoke.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“It’s all right fur the pot to call the kittle black pervidin’ both got colored over the same fire.”

______

Cheerful Comments

At last Philadelphia got down to a walk.

Is there still no break in the China offering?

There’s a long difference between still fishing and fishing still.

The summer girl is a myth; she is just the same as the winter girl this season.

The best way to let some people alone is to do something they don’t like.

If the young lady doesn’t understand baseball slang whose fault is it?

Love at first sight sometimes gets a hard eye on the appearance of second sight.

If the pantaloons gown has really come to stay, some people think it about time to go.

And then again probably one’s uncle can take better care of one’s winter clothes through the summer days than one can one’s self.

It’s quite a relief to the man who has a family of six or seven girls to know that the duty on stockings will go along just as though nothing had happened; and, of course, nothing has.

______

Going Some

“Copy, copy, copy!” yelled the foreman down the tube.

“What’s your rush.” shouted the Thud and Blunder editor, “this is only Thursday?”

“Wake up, man, we’re going to put the Sunday paper on the street tonight or bust bellows!”

______

Sea Serpent Secured

The first sea serpent of the season was not only seen, but captured, on Tuesday, off Montauk, Long Island. This is the most accommodating sea serpent that has been around for a long time, the only regrettable feature being the fact that it wouldn’t allow itself to be taken alive. It could have made good wages at any seaside resort had it possessed sufficient intelligence to have looked after its own interests. The sea serpent, however, cannot be blamed for what it doesn’t know. While other animals have been trained in recent years to almost human development, the sea serpent has ever been so shy and evasive that he has never had a fair show. And when he is just about to have a fair show, or make a fair show for somebody else, he refuses to submit gracefully and go on the circuit. There is no doubt that the average sea serpent could be taught to do many things if he could only be coaxed into captivity. For instance, he might be taught to tow the swan boats in the Public Gardens or do high diving stunts at Revere. However, now that a real sea serpent has been captured, a long step has been taken in the direction of learning more of this mystery of the deep so long a source of controversy at beach resorts and on shipboard.

Without a doubt, this Montauk serpent has sacrificed himself in order to prove the doubters that he is no myth, and that there will be more of his coming along when the present winter is over.

______

Great

The kiosk now awaits its cue,

        Its public service to begin;

Just write what kind of weather you

        Would like, and drop it in.

______

Is’t So?

Caller – If there are but seven original jokes how in the world do you fellows keep writing more?

Humorite – My dear man, we keep improving the seven.

____________

June 10, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Keturie

A poet in his tower sat

And poetized, and things like that,

His wife, Keturie, down below,

Sat late o’ nights to darn and sew.

The neighbors praised the poet’s rhyme,

And thus he fooled away his time;

And while he lived in realms of muse,

Keturie shined his Sunday shoes.

The poet gazed across each slope

Which was his father’s pride and hope,

Gone now to underbrush and weeds –

Keturie grew her garden needs.

The poet dwelt in higher spheres,

Earth’s discords never reached his ears;

When swine or fowl raised hunger’s call

Keturie fed them one and all.

The poet raved o’er moon and star,

And sent his verses near and far;

“What genius,” all the neighbors said –

They never praised her cake or bread.

The poet died, was laid away,

Forgotten though ‘twere yesterday.

Keturie prospers, all alone,

She has to work, for only one.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Afore you laff at your neighbor fur hevin’ his pocket picked feel an’ see ef your own wallet is where it orter be.”

______

 ______

Street Primer

Hear the Junkman!

You can hear him a long time before you see him. His voice sounds like you were filing a Saw, only more so. You cannot tell what he Says, but you know he is the Junkman by instinct.

Did you ever do any business with the Junkman? No, but he has done business with you. If he has done business With you he has done a Good business. There are no Flies on the Junkman for two reasons. One is because if there were any Flies on him they would get the Worst of the Bargain.

It is said the reason of the projections and indentations on the Junkman’s horse is because the horse has to eat the Junk which the Junkman cannot Sell. This may be an idle Rumor, but where there’s Smoke there’s apt to be a little Fire. The Junkman will Buy anything you have to Sell, but much prefers to get it for Nothing. That is what you get when you Sell to the Junkman. The Junkman is a good thing for the neighborhood, but the neighborhood is a better thing for the Junkman.

(P.S. – Count your Chickens before they are Hatched, and Lock your stable door before the horse is given a change of Pasture, but take the Junkman’s guess as to Weight and you’ll be rolling stone that gathers no Moss.)

______

Plenty of Rope

When he was young they gave to him

     A mighty lot of rope;

“No use,” the easy father said,

     “To try to curb his scope.”

He drifted West – and stole a horse,

     They chased him down the slope;

And ‘neath the tree they furnished him

     Another length of rope.

______

Cheerful Comments

African cable out of order, or what?

Piazza furniture is real comfy down by the furnace.

Why is a vacation? – Baltimore Sun. It isn’t very often.

Last year’s straw hat will do on a pinch, and in many cases it does.

The Red Sox need darning, or something a good deal stouter.

Opportunities are like fish. The biggest get away. – Puck. But what if they won’t even smell of your hook?

The forced strawberry shortcake is all right to fill an aching void, but when the native comes on the scene the past is quickly forgotten.

The suburbanite friend who invited you out to eat of his garden peas the Seventeenth has things to say about the weather in several different languages.

Although they aren’t saying much about it, still we know that some of those auto enthusiasts are just waiting to race some of the quicker airships from Boston to New York.

______

Come on, Boys

The airships have been tried when the weather was good

When Nature was in her best form;

But what we would like is a different mood,

And see then tried out in a storm.

______

Hard Lines

“Plarite seems to be terribly down in the dumps again.”

“Yes, he’s in a bad way.”

“What’s the trouble, broke?”

“No, worse than that; he thought he almost had a plot for a new comic opera, but before he could get out his pencil and pad it got away from him again.”

______

What’s the Use?

“I think this idea that people can live to 150 years old ought to be nipped in the bud.”

“Don’t you like it?”

“No.”

“Your objection?”

“Well, it would simply amount to this: the rich would be richer and the poor poorer, that’s all.”

______

The Finish

Willie teased the lion,

      At the circus, don’t you know;

He’ll ne’er more be interested

      In any other show.

                – Baltimore American.

And hence we learn, dear children,

          That ‘twixt this month and fall,

The boy who teases lions

          Won’t have no show at all.

                             – Cleveland Dealer

The boy who teases lions

        Can surely brag of this:

He has a little (in) side show

        That other people miss.

________

June 11, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

______

The Umpire

Who stands like granite on the dirt,

When someone’s sore because he’s hurt?

                   The umpire.

Who faces foes and baseball crooks,

No matter how or where he looks?

                   The umpire.

Who is the butt of joke and jest,

Who always does as he thinks best;

Who bears the faults of all the rest?

                   The umpire.

But then – who knows the mighty game,

Who’s got ‘em all beat out for fame?

                   The umpire.

For all he has his petty foes,

Who is it says the thing that goes?

                   The umpire.

Who is it gives the word, “Play ball!”

Who is it makes the squealer crawl;

Who is the biggest man of all?

                   THE UMPIRE!     

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Sometimes jest ez a feller gits his courage screwed up, the screw goes an’ gits loosened ag’in.”

______

Edward Everett Hale

“Look up and not down; look out and not in; look forward and not back; and led a –” tear.

______

Figuratively Speaking

You will notice by the publishers’ announcements that each author’s latest novel is his greatest and best, and, of course, that is as it should be. It would be interesting, however, as a matter of figures, to take some author who has written a couple of dozen books, and figure out, on the basis that his latest novel is his greatest and best, what his first one must have been.

______

Not a Happy Outlook

“I don’t want to say anything discouraging,” said the ultra-star boarder, “but I guess you are going to have trouble with the new man who sits at the end of the table.”

“Why so?” asked the innocent landlady, who looks upon trouble as the elephant regards a dwarf mosquito.

“He’s a Shakespeare enthusiast, and I’m told he won’t even sit at the same table as bacon.”

______

Heigh Ho, A Pirate Bold

Mark Twain is a pirate, so some people say,

A bold buccaneer of this Christianized day;

He rode the high seas and he robbed, we are told,

From the good ship Will Shakespeare, a chapter of gold.

And unlike Captain Kidd, who sought far away nooks,

He buried his treasure in one of his books;

And now the press agent, and publisher, too,

Will share in the booty – O what a smart crew.

______

The Boundary Line

“Father,” said the son, who had just arrived from college, “I’ve got my summer all mapped out.”

“Son,” said the farmer, pointing down across the slope, “I hope your map don’t take in anything beyond the south stun wall where the mowin’ machine is.”

______

Rash, Rash

Beacon – Has Colby a sense of humor?

Hill – Yes; he’s forever breaking out with jokes.

______

Woe Is Me

Man’s woes are endless; how they run

    Each day without cessation;

No sooner is house cleaning done

    Than comes her long vacation.

____________

June 12, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Something Good

When other men are running down

Your neighbor, or your native town,

Don’t shake your head approvingly,

Or slyly wink the other eye,

          Say something good.

Join in the conversation, too,

And let the circle hear from you;

Defend the place that gave you birth,

And bring to light your neighbor’s worth,

          Say something good.

When other men are full of strife,

Engaged in taking cash, or life,

Don’t imitate the awful wrong,

Don’t join the law-defying throng,

          Do something good.

Do something good and show such souls

That there are better, higher goals;

Example is the greatest pay

That you can give the world today –

          Do something good.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“One uv the funniest things uv life is thet the faster you hustle along the sooner success will overtake you.”

______

Cheerful Comments

Bathing suits everybody on a hot day.

Even the straw hats have a bewildered, disappointed look.

If the price of ham goes much higher the ham sandwich will soon be out of season.

The Fourth comes on Sunday, but the Third comes on Saturday, and the Fifth on Monday.

You think you’ve had a pretty hard time, but the native strawberry has had to bear it also.

There hasn’t been so much hurrying to get the hunk of ice off the sidewalk as there will be later on.

An enthusiast says the Roosevelt policies are to be “carried out,” but neglected to state in what manner.

While on the other hand probably nine out of 10 jokesmiths who make fun of the June bride were married in December.

______

Enchantment

I know a land of rest for all,

     Most excellent for camping;

Where through the forest primeval

     The startled deer go stamping.

Where trout go leaping up the falls

     Of merry, rushing brooklets;

Where nature, sweet-voiced nature, calls –

     It’s in the railroad booklets.

______

Pavement Philosophy

The higher you go the lower the rent.

Why are there June brides instead of June grooms?

Every hawker wouldn’t make a great tenor just because Caruso did.

Did a man ever ask you to go on a fishing trip with him but he asked you if you could row?

And while they are devising ways and means of aerial transportation, the digging for subways goes on just the same.

It is easy to pick out the married men heading for the suburban trains; the single men go empty handed.

Man has become so suspicious that when you stop him on the street and ask for a match his hand involuntarily goes to his watch pocket.

When a man’s wife comes in town to lunch with him the chances are he will consider his accustomed eating place isn’t good enough for her.

______

Forward, March

Don’t wait for someone else to say,

“Forward, march,” to you every day;

Strike out, when comes the morning light,

And keep right on, and win the fight;

Get into line and plant the flag

They call “success” upon the crag.

Don’t follow someone else’s lead,

But show the ranks your highest speed;

Don’t wait for someone else to say,

“Forward, march,” to you every day.

______

Proof Positive

Caller – You must love your papa, Willie, even as he loves you.

Willie – O, I love him more than he locves me.

Caller – Impossible! What makes you think so?

Willie – Well, I wouldn’t spank my papa, even if he deserved it.

______

A Bad Taste, Perhaps

Did you ever notice how much more homely a crowd looks to you on some days than on some others? It is a fact, however, strange as it may seem. And, noticing it, did you ever take anything for it?

____________

June 13, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Aerial Trouble

Say, you,

Fellows who

Know so much astrology,

And every other ‘ology,

You who can reel off by the mile

Law, science and politics, please tell

Us, who don’t know anything well,

What will happen after awhile

Regarding travel by and by,

Private domains up in the sky?

Trespassing, perhaps,

By foreign chaps,

Or dropping articles of freight

Upon our real estate,

Or cocos, perchance,

If we neglect to glance

Upward, and round about

Every time we go out?

How far up in the sky, I say,

Does a fellow own, anyway?

What’s to be the rate

For trespassing? Please state.

And then again,

When men

Sail over and drop a hook and lift

A melon and drift

Away,

Who’s to pay?

Who’s going to watch plains and woods

For smugglers of foreign goods?

Who’s going to invent,

And it’s time to begin,

A way to prevent

John Chinaman from coming in?

And suppose a man wants to blast

Some quarry stone

In case he hast

One of his own,

And the stones fly

Up in the sky

And hit an airship going by,

How will he stand

With the laws of the land?

Who’ll have the right of way,

Who’ll look after the scorchers, say?

Will there be aerial sports

Of all sorts

So we’ll have to duck

Or be struck

With a bat

And knocked flat?

There’s a score

Or more

Of questions I’d like to ask,

But yield the task,

And wait until these

Are answered, please.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“The oyster don’t do very much in the line uv blowin’ his own horn, an’ mebbe thet is why he’s liked so well.”

______

Shell Out

Don’t draw up into your shell,

Castin’ over folks a spell;

Actin’ like you wuz afraid

Uv the common folks brigade.

Leave your shell once in awhile;

Help the sad world with your smile.

See the kindness about;

   Shell out!

When the signal uv distress

Strikes you with its helplessness,

Don’t draw in your shell an’ say,

“On your way, man, on your way.”

Listen to his tale uv woe;

Mebbe it is really so,

Then, if you hev got no doubt,

  Shell out!

______

Horseless Philly

Dispatches state that there is to be no horse show in Philadelphia next year. Evidently the Quakers have become so used to walking, or to no gait at all, that horses no longer interest them. Nevertheless, it is hard on the horses. Yey never had a show but once a year, and now even that is to be denied them. They should get together (the horses) and put up a kick against the automobile, or any other moving thing, having a show, either.

______

Hard on Willie

Willie loved a game of ball,

     A game of ball loved Willie;

He told his boss on Saturday

     He was so very ill he

Would have to stop and hurry home,

     He felt knocked out and chilly.

When Monday came another boy

     Held down the job, not Willie.

He says when he connects again

     He won’t be quite so silly.

He says he’ll let the ball games go,

     But will he, Willie, will he?

______

Button to Buttonless

Dame Fashion has made a slide from the 500-button to the no-button gown. It’s a long slide, but we must have it to win the game. This new creation comes from Paris, and is to be known as the “aeroplane gown,” and is on exhibition in New York. Just where the connection lies between “aeroplane” and “no-button” we cannot see at this time, unless, perhaps, it is to be made of lighter-than-air material. Perhaps, too, the price has something of the “going up” atmosphere about it.

____________

June 14, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Adoni da Barber

O yaas, I lika playnta wal

     My beesiness, aldough

Sometime he ain’t so pretta good,

     An’ sometime pretta slow.

I lika ‘Mericana man,

     He joka me you bat;

But sometime wanta shave too queeck,

     An’ gatta me upsat.

Sometime he gatta gay weeth me,

     An’ spreeng you calla “bull”;

He tweest hees face an’ say “O, gee,

     You hava beega pull.

Why don’t you sand you’ razor to

     Da blackasmeeth?” he say;

But I don’t gatta mad weeth heem,

     He have such a gooda way.

I lika shave heem pretta wal,

     Excep’ sometime, maybe

He eata da onion too much

     An’ sometime choka me.

An’ dan he joka me some more,

     Know playnta well he can;

He say, “You talla by my br’ath

     I am a stronga man!”

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Ef your wife can’t make pie like your mother uster make mebbie you don’t make ez good a husban’ ez your father uster make.”

______

Getting on in Life

(Home-made Letters from a City-made Son the His Home-made Father.)

Yours received, dad, and while there is little to criticize in your communication, I wish you would stick your stamp on a little sticker next time; it came off in the mail bag and I had to spend nearly half a day’s pay getting it from the postman. Uncle Sam is a stickler in matters of that kind. I note your question about the date of my vacation, and that you say you expect an unusually heavy crop of hay this year. Of course, I’m glad about the hay. There was a time I longed to see a light hay crop, although I never made the fact known to you, but I suspect you suspected it from my suspicious actions.

As for getting away this year during the haying season, I have my doubts. When I became resident manager of the elevator, of which I have written you before, nothing was said to me about a two weeks leave of absence without loss of pay. It was probably an oversight on the part of the boss. It wouldn’t be so difficult for me to secure a leave of absence, I think, as it would for the firm to find someone to fill my shifting position. Elevator experts are not so plentiful, dad, as you might imagine. It requires skill, calculation and sticktoitiveness. It’s not like a shingling job that you can lay down on. If you can secure a husky young fellow in the village to help you with the haying you’d better engage him for an emergency, for there’s no doubt that the emergency will take place.

You ask what nationality is Gladinette. Well, dad, you had me guessing for a few days. She’s a mixture that has got a banana royal beaten to a froth. As you say, her front name suggests French, but when you come to know her better she looks State of Maine, talks English and acts Butte, Montana. Her mother is French-Scotch, but her father was Pittsburgh. She tells me that her grandfather on her mother’s side was Dutch, while her grandmother on her father’s side was a Welshman born in Australia, and that her parents were married by a Swedish minister and spent their honeymoon on an Erie canal boat. Her mother speaks good German, while her father was second mate of an English tramp steamer when she was born, so you see, dad, the poor girl is a little mixed up, and her direct line of ancestry is not a through one. I trust this is plain to you, though I must confess it makes me dizzy when I try to figure it all out. Hot weather has come at last, and I fear my pin-money will find its finish at the fizz fountain.

______

Eyes, Front!

This country of ours

     Is way, way behind;

We think we’re so much

     And yet we are blind.

Why can’t we beguile

     Our railroads austere,

And ride out in style

     On cowcatchers here?

But no, not at all,

     We simply are beat;

We pay a front price

     And take a back seat!

______

Then and Now

When mother felt morbid and downcast and punk, away to the garret she’s steal, and snuggle down close by an old leather trunk and read a few yards of “Lucile.” – Philadelphia Bulletin.

But now, when mother is woozy with care, and maddened with worries maternal, she throws herself down on a big easy chair and picks up the Ladies’ Home Journal. – Chicago Record Herald.

But Sis, when she tires of the passions and fashions and heart-throbs and hints to be won, gets down to brass tacks and peruses three books – “The Blue Book” and “Bradstreet” and “Dun.” – Cleveland Plain Dealer.

But father, when through with the cares of the day, and the children their beds are tucked in, into the library stealeth away and revels in Elinor Glyn.

____________

June 15, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

His Graduate Daughter

Our daughter’s graduated,

An’ we’re feelin’ quite elated,  

For she’s comin’ home from college in a week or two, she writes;

She hez studied all the lingoes

Of the Eskimos an’ Mingoes,

An’ in ‘ologies an’ classics she is way up in the heights.

She hez took a prize in spellin’,

An’ in readin’, so they’re tellin’,  

She kin reason out an’ argue like a statesman on the stump;

She kin dance an’ play pianner,

In a most artistic manner,

She hez got the facts an’ figgers uv the ages in a lump.

She kin pose, an’ do Delsarte,

An' get up a meal a la carte,

She can do the physic culture in a way to beat the band;

She kin handle all the topics

Frum Alaska to the tropics,

She kin bow an’ “slam,” her ma says, in a way that’s truly grand.

She’s an actress an’ a painter,

An’ in fact I guess there ain’t er

Blessed thing in art or science she don’t know frum A to Z,

An’ I s’pose this raft uv knowledge

Is a boon fur ev’ry college,

But jest how she’ll use it farmin’ is the thing that’s gittin’ me!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“The ruster that spends all his time crowin’ on the fence ain’t a good provider.”

______

Cheerful Comments

It’s no hotter than you allow yourself to believe it to be.

You can’t tell by the looks of a cigar how far it will carry.

If everybody felt good all the time, what would happen then?

Either the African game or the press agent has been exterminated.

If Indiana has unearthed a $50,000 novelist this week, the fact hasn’t reached Boston.

After all, things are figured out pretty well. Graduation comes when roses are two for five or less.

Emma Goodman speaking in barns? The society with the long name should protect its wards.

The Ladies’ Pictorial bewails the fact that there are so few marriages in May. Most natural thing in the world when June is on hand.

If you will call to mind some of the things you have said about the weather during the last six weeks, you will hardly have the face to complain of the heat for six weeks to come.

The sweet-faced, pink-fingered girl graduate comes home too late to help with the house cleaning, but in plenty of time to help her mother with the endless wants of the city boarders.

______

A Warning

When you go into the country

     Upon a picnic merry,

Don’t sit on poison ivy,

     Be very careful, very.

For poison ivy’s dreadful,

     There’s nothing quite can match it;

It irritates so fiercely

     You’ve simply mad to scratch it.

______

O Joy!

“And yet you call this a perfectly honest game?” queried the girl in white, risking just one more question.

“Sure,: replied her escort, keeping his eye on the sphere putter.

“Well, then,” she asked innocently, “couldn’t they arrest that man, if they wanted to, for stealing second?”

______

So ‘Tis

Hope is the thing

That plants the seeds;

But digging’s what

Knocks out the weeds

______

The Walker Says:

I haven’t got a limousine or any aeroplane, I haven’t got a coach an’ six, not e’en a special train. I haven’t got a bicycle, nor e’en a hoss an’ team; I git along all right, by jinks, ‘thout gaserline or steam. I travel jest by shank’s mare an’ never have no fear but what I’ll reach my stoppin’ place the same day in the year; no artificial rigs fur me, no busted tires or bones; no landin’ all up in a heap upon the highway stones. I may be slow a-gittin’ round, an’ cause the world to stare, but I will git there by an’ by, all right side up with care.”

______

Summer Troths

Engagements terminate in town,

  In theatre, in shop and store,

To be renewed two months or so,

  Down by the e’er engaging shore.

______

Sympathy

Beacon – Yes, sir; I’m a self-made man in every sense of the word.

Hill – What a pity, old man, you couldn’t have afforded a little hired help in your earlier days.

____________

June 16, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Old Songs, Old Times

Folks say they like the old songs best,

     I guess perhaps they do;

They seem to be applauded more

     Than any of the new.

If I had written those old songs,

     How happy I would be;

Alas! No honor so pronounced

     Is handed out to me.

Folks say they like the good old days,

     They were so sweet and true;

They were so much more natural

     Than any of the new.

Would I had known the good old times,

     Now in the far away;

Although you can quite easy see

     Where I would be today.

Alas! I would the same were true

     Of all the good old jokes;

But songs and days and jokes are not

     Viewed quite the same by folks.

When I construct a good old joke,

     Like those in days of yore,

Unlike the song of long ago,

     They do not clap for more!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“It ain’t a very good idee to lock the stable door arter the hoss is stole ez the thieves might be disapp’inted in him an’ wanter fetch him back ag’in.”

______

Name Lacking

A fish is a fish

    Till he gets off your line;

Just what I don’t wish

    In cold type to define.

______

A Sure Sign

Beacon – Is he very literary?

Hill – Considered so; he borrowed my set of Dickens two years ago and hasn’t returned it.

______

Made to Order

“Do you believe in fortune telling?”

“Well, it depends on what it tells me.”

______

All Aboard

“How is the ‘Sky Passage Transportation Company’ getting on?”

“Oh, fine; they’re hustlers, I tell you. They’ve sold all the stock, bought up rights of way, got the docking stations located, freight and passenger rates affixed, tickets printed and crews engaged.”

“Have they tried out their ships yet?”

“No; you see, they’ve been so busy with the other more important items that they haven’t had time; but they’re going to by and by.”

______

The Night Before

O, yes, we’ve heard about

        The “quiet” nights before;

When all is still without,

        No noisy pops galore.

No little snap or bang,

        Outside our dwelling door;

No patriotic gang,

        The “quiet nights before.”

How still they’ve always been,

        Those quiet nights of yore;

No hint of any din,

        On any night before.

We old and younger boys

        Won’t do it any more;

We won’t make any noise

        This coming “night before!”

______

A Misunderstanding

“I thought you told me if I gave the drug clerk the wink that he’d fix it up all right in the soda.”

“Didn’t he?”

“No.”

“Did you give him the wink?”

“Yes, several of them. Then he asked me if I thought he had any of the ‘Lizzie look’ about him.”

______

Information Wanted

We don’t care “why” is this and that,

            Or through such queries wade;

But will some one please answer this:

            Why is pink lemonade?

______

The Wary Landlord

“We have two children, sir, but they are dear little things, and won’t do a bit of harm to the rent, I am sure.”

“I don’t care how many children you have, madam, what I want to know is, have you got a phonograph?”

____________

June 17, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Pay Day

We draw our pay on Saturday,

     Then half a day for rest!

A dinner then for hungry men,

     A layout of the best.

Plague take the bill, we have our fill,

     The best the house affords;

On Saturday we draw our pay,

     And spend it then like lords.

The game we take – a little stake –

     What care we, win or lose?

Then to the show at night we go,

     And dinner at its close.

On Sunday we to beach and sea,

     Or off to country scenes;

With touring car we sail afar

     And thus reduce our means.

On Saturday we draw our pay, –

When Monday comes we go

To dinner where it’s cheaper fare,

     And men sit in a row.

The sumpt’ous lay of Saturday

     Is but a hungry dream;

To make our cash procure us hash

     We’ve now to plan and scheme.

O, blessed pay of Saturday!

     O, gay and festive spread!

It simply means but pork and beans

     When Friday shows its head.

But ne’er a care o’er simple fare,

     Or scanty rations when

On Saturday we draw our pay,

     Ah, we are happy then!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“The office allus seeks the man, ‘ceptin’ when the other feller is after it.”

______

Cheerful Comments

Where there’s fire there’s patriotism.

A steel trap for catching flies would be fine.

Lucky old ocean; he embraced quite a few yesterday!

The weather kiosk certainly did a good job on Bunker Hill day.

The 17^th went off well; have you counted your children’s fingers this morning?

There’s two ways of giving tips; sometimes the other way would be more justifiable.

Two animals are considerably missing this summer – the mosquito and the end-seat fellow.

The Boston teams are not obeying the familiar mandate, “Play ball,” to any great extent.

If you have got a vacation spot all picked out doubtless you would have more fun to take the opposite direction.

______

Retribution

A stroller of the city

     Lay dying on the walk;

His life seemed slowly ebbing,

     He couldn’t even talk.

“It looks quite like a murder,”

     The big policeman said;

“Or else a mighty sunstroke

     Has hit him on the head.”

“Not so,” someone did venture,

     He courted death, did he;

He asked a question which, sir,

     Resulted fatally.

He asked a passing stranger

     Perspiring to the core:

‘Say, is it hot’ – then ‘biff”, sir,

     He never said no more!”

______

Getting a Line on Him

“You want to marry young Fritter, eh? Well, what’s his batting average?”

“Why, pa, I didn’t know he was a ball player.”

“O, I don’t mean that; how many days per month is he on the bench?”

______

Street Primer

See the Balloon man.

He is peddling toy balloons. See how Carefully he holds the string. If he should let Go of the string the balloons would go Up. So would his Income. It would mean financial disaster. Many men are carrying around toy balloons.

What is he saying? He is saying: “Nica, gooda balloon for da cheeldren, ona ten cen’. Fulla da gooda gas; no hotta air een deesa balloon. Deesa notta ‘Mericana balloon, deesa gooda Eetalian!”

See the man behind the Balloon man. What is he going to do? He will Accidentally touch one of the balloons with the cigar. Then there will be an Explosion, followed by a spectacular war between the United States and Italy. There will be Strained relations, then an Arbitration Committee, followed by a satisfactory Adjustment and a fine of 10 cents.

Then everybody will be Happy again, and the Circus will proceed.

“Gooda balloon, nica balloon, ona ten cen’!”

(P.S. Hot air on the outside and hot air on the inside, brought in close contact, are bound to cause a Combustion. If you can pay for the fun, then Talk all you want to.)

______

For Bumping the Bumps

“That’s a funny looking rig; looks something like a diver’s suit.”

“Yes, it’s pneumatic, all right. It fits tightly around my neck, wrists and ankles, and can be filled with quantities of air.”

“What’s it for, floating?”

“No; it’s my aerial touring suit.”

____________

June 18, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

_______

By JOE CONE

______

The Call of the Fish

The “call of the wild” is a pleasant sound,

     ‘Tis ever a joy to roam

Out over the wild and rocky ground,

     Two hundred long miles from home.

Out where the forest is dark and deep,

     Where the tall pine monarchs swish;

But those I’ll forsake for the quiet lake,

     And answer the call of the fish.

The call of the fish is low and sweet,

     It makes no audible sound;

But it journeys far to the city street

     And enters the heart profound.

The wail of the pine, the bay of the wolf,

     Are pleasing to those who wish;

But the best of all is the low, sweet call,

     The silent call of the fish!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“It’s all right to blow your own horn to a sartin extent, but it would sound a good deal better ef you’d give an occasional toot fur your neighbor.”

______

Getting on in Life

(Hand-made Letters from a City-made Son to His Home-Made Father)

It never rains but it pours, dad, and you never get one foot in but the other one wants to follow it, and pretty soon you’re in all over. I am in for it now all right, and no hip boots in sight. You used to tell me to always look before I leaped. I thought in those days you meant the ditch below the house, but I can see now you meant ditches all the way along. Yet you said, too, “nothing ventured, nothing gained.” I have thought of the latter every time I have thought of Gladinette. Well, dad, you know how she has insisted that I take her out in my boss’ touring car, thinking I am the chauffeur. She has been so persistent that I really had to do something or frame up some explanation, and, as I couldn’t give her a very enjoyable drive in my elevator car, of which I am the chauffeur, I felt compelled to hire an auto for a couple of hours. Of course a driver had to go with it, as I haven’t received my license yet. It cost the savings of two weeks, dad, but it had to be done to keep peace in the family circle. She enjoyed every minute of the ride, and so did I, when I could forget what it was costing me, which wasn’t very often.

She thought it strange I should take along a third party when it was just between ourselves; she said she would rather sit on the front seat with me and get a few points on driving! I had to explain that our chauffeur was a chum of mine employed by the same boss, and that I had taken him along so that I could devote my whole time to her and point out the interesting places along the route. And then what do you think? She wanted an introduction! Oh, I am in it handsomely, dad. As she stepped out of the car she said: “Now that you have found how easy ‘tis to get the car and your boss is away so much, you might take me out real often.” I said I hoped to. And me plugging for 9 per! I tell you, dad, it’s either promotion for mine or a closed incident with Gladinette!

The beaches look good to me, but after several consultations with my Finance Commission, I had no appropriation available. I wish I had told her I was an elevator inspector instead of an ordinary chauffeur; it would have saved me a lot of time, trouble and vexation, all of which spell money. You are right, dad, “they who dance must pay the fiddler,” and they who hire the chug-chug must pay the Standard Oil. Things must be looking great up there on the farm, but it hurts me to walk, and besides –

______

Foiled

There was a man in our town

     Who thought him wondrous wise;

He went off on a fishing trip,

     And caught a string of lies.

And when he found his creel was full,

     With all his might and main,

He hurried straightway back to town

     Upon the evening train.

He spread abroad his mighty catch,

     And tried a splurge to make;

Alas! His neighbors were immune –

     Not one of them would take!

______

A Pittsburg Hen Wonder

Pittsburg is handing out something besides dark spots on the cheek of mother Nature. A police janitor there, one Edward O. Sturdevant, set a hen on 16 eggs and she hatched out 21 chicks, a feat which the Pittsburgers say si rare and worthy of attention. In fact, Pittsburg papers are doing quite a bit of crowing over it. To Philadelphia farmers, unused to the peculiar ways of the hen, no doubt this biddy’s performance looks like going some, but the fact of the matter is, it is quite a common occurrence. Her owner is trying to work off a double yolk theory, and while that might go in Pittsburg, where it is hard to see through anything mysterious, it won’t go in this farming community. Mr. Sturdevant’s hen has either helped herself or had an accessory before the fact. It is very safe to presume that during her busy period her neighbor, Mrs. Hen, was a daily caller for five days, said caller having a matter of importance to lay before her. When said matter was laid, said caller departed, while said setting hen rolled said matter under her and in due course of time hatched said matter out. Easy; “cawdawcut!”

______

Satisfied

A good world! A glad world!

     I hope my days on earth may run

Through all the years and years and years

     Until the Federal building’s done.

– Houston Post

The Federal building isn’t ours,

     We hope, of course, you’ll have a “beaut”;

But O, we hope to live to see

     The tariff bill fixed up to suit.

______

A Deserving One

“I am a candidate for the Carnegie medal,” said the young man with the slim shoulders.

“Wherefore,” asked the thunderous man in charge, “have you saved any lives, or done anything heroic?”

“I haven’t saved any lives, sir, but I’ve made a great sacrifice.”

“Out with it; out with it!”

“I have never said ‘Oh, you kid!’ of Oh, you, anything else.”

“James,” said the man, choking back a sob, “bring the largest medal in the safe and call up the Executive Mansion.”

____________

June 19, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

His “Simple” Song

Sing me a simple song tonight,

     A song of hope and rest;

So full of peacefulness it might

     Have sprung from mother’s breast.

I want no merry roundelay,

     Nor yet a martial air;

No classic strain, but just a plain

     Old ballad, free from care.

Sing me a simple ditty, please;

     One of no great pretense;

A good, old homelike tune to ease

     My feelings most intense.

I’m weary of the workaday,

     Where toil and worry teems;

Please sing tonight a strain so light,

     ‘Twill lull me off to dreams.

Ah, just a simple song tonight,

     As plain as it can be;

It cannot be too soft or light,

     Or simple, dear, for me.

“You have no such?” Ah, never mind,

     You charming little elf;

I have one here, quite simple. dear,

     ‘Tis one I wrote myself!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Ef you stan’ in your own light how kin you expect other people to find you in a hurry?”

______

Cheerful Comment

Anyway, a good many flies are being killed on the diamond.

Some have their gardens hoed for the first time – and last.

There’s a noticeable lull in the conversation about talking with Mars.

Chewing gum is an awful habit, when you don’t chew it yourself.

Anyway, the Red Sox get a game often enough to partly break the monotony.

A man is never so happy as when not thinking about how happy he isn’t.

Take the peanut and the baseball game: what would one do without the other?

It’s the little things of life that bother; for instance, ants while the picnic is in session.

Looking at the empty coal bin, and then at the vacation problem, naturally we are wondering which will win out.

Bingen will be on the Rhine again, and the Curfew will be forbidden to ring erstwhile in some of the country schools.

______

Naught Amiss

      There’s naught amiss

To give a kiss,

When love has set two hearts a-bliss;

     Who won’t do this,

     One act of bliss,

Is simply this – a naughty miss!

______

SAVED!

“Necessity is the mother of invention.”

“What now?”

“A man has invented an umbrella to be carried in the pocket.”

______

From Game to Game

He was afraid to tell her right out and out that he loved her, so he began in a round-about way, hoping she would catch his drift, then betray, by her confusion, her own feelings. He didn’t dream but that she loved him, but thought that she, like himself, was afraid to demonstrate it.

“Heart trouble?” she repeated, “are you sure you’ve heart trouble, Alfred? You know indigestion is very like it at times.”

“Oh, I know I have heart trouble all right. I – can’t you see it yourself?”

“Why, how silly, Alfred; no one sees heart trouble; they have to feel it. Have you taken anything for it?”

“No, not yet, but I – I want to, don’t you know.”

“Then why don’t you?”

“I – I would; that is, if I could get it.”

“Can’t you get it, Alfred?”

“I – I don’t know.”

“Have you tried?”

“No, not yet.”

(Silence for two provoking moments.)

“Alfred!” (coldly).

“Y – yes?”

“Let’s have a game of checkers.”

______

Rural Conversation

“I wish I had never been born,” sighed the horse, as he leaned against the wall and gazed into space.

“Why?” asked the cow, stopping her chewing and pitching her ears forward.

“Because the automobile has sidetracked me. I have nothing to live for. “Bosh,” said the cow, “look at the condensed milk they are putting out, but you don’t hear any kick coming from me.”

____________

June 20, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

That Biggest Fish

The biggest fish he gits away,

     But now, jest merely s’posin’,

You set out in your boat someday

     A-kind uv dreamin’, dosin’,

An’ he should come along an’ bite,

     An’ by your skill command him,

An’ after one big, long, hard fight,

     You’d really, truly land him?

What then? Why simply by an’ by

     You wanter fish ag’in there,

Anticerpation’s knocked sky-high,

     Becuz he isn’t in there!

Ah, friend, rejoice in smaller fare,

     An’ don’t do any mopin’;

It’s best to know he’s allus there

     To furnish us the hopin’.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“They’s a good many bumpers on the road to success. It’s a hull lot better to turn out fur ‘em than to try to turn ‘em all down.”

______

The Summer Show

The summer show is booming now, the pretty chorus row, the blithesome songs, to charm the throngs, the gorgeous pomp and show; the summer dresses and the fans, the jolly atmosphere, the music light, the costumes slight, the summer show is here! What though the music’s light as air, the costumes lighter still, the show, you bet, is lighter yet, but gets our dollar bill.

______

Cheerful Comment

All is not Gould that Glitters.

Every author, of course, is wondering why he isn’t in the five-foot library.

If the Wrights wear all their medals they will need no other ballast.

“Whipping the stream” is good. Beating the drink is the same thing, but doesn’t sound poetical.

It’s all right for grown-ups to talk about a sane Fourth, but have you said anything to the boys about it?

If living expenses keep going up there’s no good reason to suppose we won’t be close to Mars if we hope to meet them.

Maybe there’s nothing in a name, but our ball teams used to win in the days when they were called “Bean Eaters.”

A Texas prophet declares that the world is coming to an end in 1909. Doubtless for some reason best known to the physician he has been told to let it alone.

______

Lively Bee-Times

Now doth the little busy bee

     Fly in and out the hive;

The summer sun is shining hot,

     He’s very much alive.

Small Johnnie poked the bees one day

     Then turned and fled the hive;

The bee stung Johnnie on the – run,

     He’s very much alive!

______

Street Primer

Here comes the Pessimist.

A Pessimist, Little One, is a man who hasn’t made Good. He blames everybody for his Situation but himself, and has no faith in anybody but himself, and then only in Public. In private he divides himself by Two. The Pessimist looks on the Dark side of everything. He turns his wife’s biscuits upside down before he bites into them to See if they are burned on the bottom. He always looks on the shadow side of your face so he won’t see your smile and catch it. He looks for the sun on Cloudy days. He would rather attend a Funeral than a Ball game. He would rather the Fish would get off his hook so he can Swear about it. He won’t even be a Joy rider for fear he might see something funny in paying the Fine. In short, Little One, a Pessimist is a man who has a mosquito Bite that itches furiously, but won’t Scratch because he won’t allow himself the Comfort that he would get out of it.

You see that Big dog across the street? He is lying down in Front of a Bone. He doesn’t want the Bone; in fact he wouldn’t Touch the bone, but he Growls every time the Little dog looks at it. The Big dog has the makings of a Pessimist in him.

(P.S. – Whistle a cheery tune and the World will join in the Chorus, but whistle a dirge and you will find yourself on a Lonesome Island with a Tidal Wave coming to Welcome you to its City.)

______

Strung Out

Of course, the Fourth’s but once a year,

              And tolerate we’ll “hafter”;

But still, you know, it comes before,

              And lasts a little after.

____________

June 21, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Welcome Summer

(Contributed by the Office Boy)

The spring has been backward and clammy and cold,

My poetical stream wouldn’t flow;

No steam in the office for over a month,

My muse has went awfully slow.

My girl has wondered why didn’t I write

A sonnet, or “lines to her eyes”;

But how can a fellow write love poems when

The office is chilly like ice?

But now gentle summer has trippled this way,

She has came with a welcoming smile;

When the boss ain’t around I feel I could write

Love poetry all of the while.

So here is to summer, the joyness she brings,

And here is a sonnet to Mayme;

My bosom is busting with beautiful bloom,

For summer, sweet summer has came!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“It’s a purty steep climb up the ladder uv fame, an’ therefore a purty easy matter to tumble off.”

______

Cheerful Comment

A honeymoon in a balloon must be the height of happiness.

With the tired feeling come the wearying thoughts of a vacation.

If you haven’t the time to make the wilds of Maine or the Adirondacks, there is still the Common.

If we are able to take everything we hear with a grain of salt there is no doubt that the salt famine will precede the coal famine by many hundreds of years.

On the other hand, if you are to banish the house fly entirely, you are going to take a lot of enjoyment from some people who positively enjoy chasing him.

A horse under a peach basket hat attracted considerable attention yesterday. If he felt a s funny as he looked his feelings must have been too humorous for utterance.

______

Begin Right

Begin the day

     With just a smile;

‘Twill drive away

     Care for the while.

And drop a kind

     Word with it, too;

‘Twill help you grind

     The long day through.

Don’t let the brown

     Taste on your tongue

Keep wholly down

     Your song unsung.

Bring to your day

     The thing you should;

The world will say,

     “You’re to the good”.

______

A Mean Interruption

“It isn’t so much the fish we get,” said the man with the habit, “as it is the getting out in the big, open country.”

“Where there is room enough to build up a few respectable sized fishing lies,” interrupted the man who didn’t like to fish because he hadn’t the price.

______

Papa Concerned

“Do you know any good fairy stories, papa?”

“O, yes, dear, I know quite a few, but I am no good at telling them, my son.”

“Then your’s and mama’s stories don’t hitch very well.”

______

Economizing Energy

A stingy old man of Malacca.

Who wore clothes of the thinnest alpaca,

          Would remark with a groan:

          “I’ve a match of my own;

Will you lend me a pipe and tobacca?”

– Saturday Evening Post.

There was a young fop from Belonnet

(To continue this soul-stirring sonnet),

          Who remarked: “Look-a-her,

          I’ve a button, my dear,

Won’t you please sew a dress suit upon it?”

– Nashville Tennesseean.

There was a young girl of Montanza,

Who was fond of an extravaganza;

          With no ray of hope,

          She partook of some dope,

And suggested this very poor stanza.

  – Yonkers Statesman.

There was a young novelist, Corey;

Said he: “I am writing for glorey;

          I’ve pens and I’ve ink,

          And paper, I think,

But not an idea for a storey.”

____________

June 22, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Keeping Cool

Days like these I know a spot

Where’s it’s never close nor hot;

Where the hemlocks, green an’ thick,

Hang across ol’ “Lizzard Crick,”

Makin’ jest a shady nook

Fur a boat an’ pipe an’ book;

Sun don’t git no chance to shine

In this cool retreat o’ mine.

Ev’ry day I take my boat,

Pipe an’ book, an’ idly float

Up to where the arch is made,

Anchor there beneath the shade.

While the world outside is hot,

I enjoy this hidden spot.

Nothin’ to disturb my ease

‘Cept the birds an’ dronin’ bees.

Ef you’d like to come with me

To this wondrous Arcady,

Where it’s cool and far remote,

Jump aboard my little boat.

I will row you all the way;

There will be no fares to pay.

And we’ll read an’ smoke an’ dream

On the bosom of the stream.

Ev’ry day through rain or shine,

I seek out this haunt o’ mine;

Ev’ry day while others slave

Neath the sun’s perspirin’ wave,

I keep cool beneath the shade

Which the hemlock arms hev made.

“Where is this haunt I’ve defined?”

O, it’s simply in my mind!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Ef you think your lot is wuss than the other feller’s, it is purty everdunt you hain’t seen all uv his property.”

______

The Query Box

Don’t you have trouble to make your ideas flow in this weather? Sympathizer. Laws, no! The great trouble is to keep them from flowing, just the same as with a chunk of butter. The hotter the weather the more the butter wants to flow. Fact of the matter is, it is hard to keep ideas in such weather as this, anyway. They all want to run out. In spite of all we can do, the very thin ones get away. It is the same with the soda fountain and the summer show; thinness prevails, but it is unavoidable; it goes with the season. If you notice any thinnes about any summer production, soda water, ice cream, opera or humor, you will know at once that the weather was to blame. The articles in question were thick enough on the start, but the weather has had the same effect on them as on the plate of butter, which you will admit, is hard to keep on the square.

______

Builded Better Than He Knew

“My soul has always been chock full to overflowing of poetry and things like that,” said the country cousin, “but somehow I have never reached the point where I could sit down with a pen and paper and express myself.”

“Which has made your own life and the lives of your friends a great deal happier,” said the poet, who belonged to the “Rejected Manuscript Club.”

______

Two Anglers

              I.

A barefoot boy,

     A white birch pole;

A can of worms,

     A swimmin’ hole.

A baited hook,

     A tug and swish;

A steady haul,

     A string of fish.

             II.

A white duck suit,

     A canvas boat;

A costly rod,

     A patent float.

A gaudy fly,

     A cast and swish;

A pretty sight,

     But nary fish!

______

A Diplomatic Situation

Subscriber – I suppose everything is grist that comes to your mill?

Rural Editor – Yes, unless he is too big for my hopper, in which case he gets no mill with me.

______

Farm Supplies

Soon will the city boarders go out to the country, where they want the freshest milk and eggs, and butter, cream and air; and when they find they’re not upon the table, comes the night, they ask the farmer or his wife, in manner most polite. And he will say, “We’re sorry, folks, they’s somethin’ gone dead wrong, we’ve ordered frum the city, but they hevn’t got along.”

______

Now You’re Talking

Well, the land don’t care for the tempest,

     And the country’s hummin’ along;

If they’re going to talk tariff all summer,

     Let’s change to a dance and a song.

                                  – Baltimore Sun

Or while they’re chewing and chewing,

     Revising, God only knows what,

Let’s take the old punt and go fishing,

     And forget the whole troublesome lot.

____________

June 23, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

“We Regret to State –”

Where now is the hunter, the greatest and best,

     The one who would never acknowledge defeat;

The bravest who ever came out of the west,

     And punctured the jungle’s most inner retreat?

O, where is the man with the unerring aim,

     With the keen eagle eye and the nerve of iron?

Down, down he has gone, the toboggan of fame,

     For Kermit, young Kermit has bagged the big lion!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

Lightnin’ strikes twice in the same place sometimes, ef they’s anything left fur it to strike.”

______

Cheerful Comment

Fishing – the manly art of self expense.

Not in any slang sense – “Her name was Maud!”

Spring was cold and backward; summer follows her closely, but not in that respect.

The song “Keep on the Sunny Side” may be in season, but is entirely out of order.

Either the house fly knows he isn’t wanted or else he has passed a hard winter.

The summer girl can set her cap just the same even though she goes bareheaded constantly.

Granted that a stitch in time doesn’t save nine, even if it saves two it’s a good investment.

Here’s hoping the Beverly grass will make as good and as pure milk as that on the White House lawn.

Class day is not necessarily the finish; sometimes it is the beginning – of some very beautiful romances.

Hazardous as it may be, there are quite a few who are ready to start on a pole-finding expedition.

If your boy comes home with wet hair remember that as long ago as you were a boy perspiration would do it.

Some people walk on the sunny side of the street for the express purpose of saying it is the hottest day they ever knew.

A sign in a window of a Tremont street drug store which reads “Hot Chocolate” is left there simply as a reminder of last winter.

You can’t expect your wife to take an interest in baseball after she has heard your description of a game in which the home team won to a neighbor over the backyard fence.

______

A Changed Man

The sweet June bride is just as sweet

     As on her brilliant wedding day;

Although it happened weeks ago,

     She’s just as sweet and true, I say.

But oh, the groom, how he has changed!

     Shame should be stamped upon his brow;

He smokes out on the porch alone,

     He doesn’t wipe the dishes now!

______

Labor Killers

Hank Stubbs – Seems quite citified to see so many uv them auty-mobiles flyin’ past.

Bige Miller – Wish they’d hol’ up long enough so’s I could git this durn corn patch hoed out.

______

The Meanest Man Again

The meanest man has been found. He made his appearance in Cambridge Tuesday night outside the Stadium gate. When he found he couldn’t, by any hook or crook, secure an admission ticket to the Joan of Arc performance, he said, in the presence of a similarly disappointed multitude: “I hope it rains!”

____________

June 24, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

On the Sand

I wrote, “I love you,” on the sand,

     Beside the ocean rolling;

A maiden, parasol in hand,

     Came beachward, lightly strolling.

She stopped and read the magic line,

     Then added something to it;

My heart beat wildly to define

     Her answer, and she knew it.

Then carelessly she strolled away

     Beside the lisping ocean;

I hurried where the message lay,

     My heart in wild commotion.

Ah, what would her sweet answer be?

     I shook with expectation;

She threw a look or two at me,

     I thought, of admiration.

Upon the white and glistening sand,

     Beneath my message burning,

She’s written, in a girlish hand,

     Three words, my ardor spurning.

I wrote, “I love you,” plain as day,

     And here is how she met it:

(Just like a mean girl, anyway)

                 “I love you.”

                 “O, forget it.”

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“It’s purty hard work fur some folks to git erlong even when they are kerried.”

______

Cheerful Comment

General humidity should be court-martialed and drummed out of camp.

No, President Taft will not fly. You couldn’t imagine him going up in a heavier than air machine.

Hereafter it will be “The Five Cohans,” a new member having been added to the George M. family.

“Grocers fined for poor milk,” is a headline. That’s right; blame the poor groceryman for the shortcomings of some ornery cow.

“Sixteen thousand hands wanted in the Kansas wheatfields.” Now why in the world don’t they say what they meant: eight thousand persons.

If you will notice we are not getting our usual crop of thunder showers this summer. Probably it is owing to the drought.

A St. Louis, Mo., man at 100 years of age smokes, chews, drinks, takes snuff and swears. Only another way of putting the truth that ‘the good die young.”

______

More Crimson Than Blue

Eli easily eclipsed!

It was a lucky 7^th, but a luckier 12^th.

Harvard howled herself horribly hoarse – hooray!

If you want to forget your other troubles, see college baseball.

It took 12 innings, but the rooters say it was worth double the number.

The play’s the thing, if it is only made at the right stage of the game.

______

Old King Cold

I am the monarch of the town,

     The king of land and sea;

Before me mankind boweth down,

     The people worship me.

I’m Old King Cold, and Great I am,

     I’m It in great degree;

From north and south and east and west

     The people flock to me.

For all I’m cold, and freeze their smiles,

     Still do they follow me;

I’m here today, tomorrow nay,

     My name is “i-c-e.”

______

Fishing Advice

Fresh bait should be applied frequently.

Don’t shout, “I’ve got him!” until you can prove it.

Remember it is only the sucker that bites first pop of the gun.

Don’t catch any more than you want, and don’t want any more than you need.

Don’t rock the boat, and don’t rock the fish even if they won’t look at your bait.

Always carry a basket or pail; you may want to pick some fruit on the way home.

Be sure to invite a friend to go along; he will be excellent company if he is skillful with the oars.

Don’t guy the boy on the bank who has the old fashioned gear; you may want to do business with him on your return.

______

Wetting It Down

(Contributed.)

O, this urban life I can’t say I love,

        When the sun is shining so bright;

With the mercury just a hundred above,

        And my wilting collar a sight.

I’m all tired out from having to tread

        Each day on the hot city street;

Breathing the germ-laden air that I dread;

        While the sidewalk blisters my feet.

Ah, but tonight I’ll be out of their reach,

        Afar from the city I’ll flee,

And forget all my troubles down at the beach,

        While taking a plunge in the sea!

Dorchester.                                           H.E.F.

______

A Thoughtful Wife

“No, sir,” thundered Chuggins, “I won’t stay in this unappreciative town any longer. What’s the use, anyway? I’ll never amount to anything here. Look at the Wrights, and a host of other men, who have been kept down in their own towns. They pack up their grips, go out into the world, win fame and fortune and come back heroes. That’s the thing to do; where’s my suitcase?”

“Here it is, dear,” said the sympathizing Mrs. Chuggins, “and here is also $10 which I have been saving up for a long time for an emergency. When you have been out I the world, and have made fame and fortune, and have become tired of the excitement and want to slip back to see me for a little while, the money may come in handy.”

______

A Teetotaler

He waited there with baited breath,

          Upon the sun-kissed bay;

A fish came up and took a sniff

          And quickly swam away.

______

Be Kind to the Fly

 The summer fly has come again, and he is bold as brass, he gets upon the butter plate, and in the apple sass; he walks across the dinner plate with mustard plastered there, then takes a turn and wipes his feet upon your curly hair. The housefly he’s a nervy beast, he is a sticker, too; no matter what the game you play he gets the best of you. You might as well be good to him, your anger he’ll but mock; just bring him home some tanglefoot and ask him for a walk.

____________

June 25, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Old-Fashioned Girl

What has become, can any one tell,

     Of the good, old-fashioned girl?

Who cared not at all for party or ball,

     Or the ruinous social whirl?

Who was early to bed and early to rise,

     Who wielded the mop and the broom?

Who dusted the chairs, and swept down the stairs,

     And took all the care of her room?

What has become of the shy, sweet maid

     Who loved her work better than play?

Who got wraps for ma, and slippers for pa,

     And listened to what they would say?

Alas and alack! Where has she gone?

     I’ll tell you the truth, I vow;

She hasn’t gone far, but her pa and ma

     Won’t let her do such things now!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Cooks wouldn’t sp’ile the broth so much ef they hed to turn round an’ eat it ev’ry time.”

______

Street Primer

See the Iceman!

Doesn’t he look Cool? I have always envied the Iceman, Little One, at this trying (No, I didn’t say “Frying”) time of year. The Atmosphere he carries with him is Delightful. It must be great to be welcomed at every Door. He has Chunks of Delight which he Hands out to everybody. While driving he has a Cool breeze behind him, and when he is standing on the ground he has a Cool breeze in front of him. When he is climbing Eight flights of stairs he still retains a Coolness that is Remarkable.

The Iceman knows a Lot if family History. He gathers it from the Refrigerators along his route. Didn’t you know that lots of families Keep their History in Refrigerators, Little One? They do; it is the only place some of it can be Preserved. But the Iceman doesn’t Tell all he sees in the Refrigerators; it wouldn’t be good Taste on his part. The man in a White Duck suit may look all to the Cool on a Hot day, but the man with the Pick cuts more ice than a regiment of natty Yachtsman who never Trod any deck other than that of a Ferryboat.

If your Allowance of ice seems Small this summer it is not the fault of the Iceman. You will remember that New England suffered a severe Drought last summer, which naturally affected the ice crop of last winter. Keep cool and you won’t Need so much ice.

(P.S. Man is known by the company he Keeps. The Iceman is known by the Stock he keeps, which will be considerably Watered if he keeps it too Long.)

______

The Wrights

The Wrights will try to rightly fly,

     And fly aright will they;

They’ll fly upright to right good height,

     In their Wrightful way.

All right the Wrights, praise be their flights,

     Let writers write their praise;

They’ll rise to fame, and at the same

     Time rightful doubts will raise.

______

One on the Horse

An interesting miniature battle between two men and a horse took place on Washington street yesterday morning when the men tried to tie a peach basket hat on the animal’s head. It was plainly evident that the horse didn’t like the looks of the creation, and had the poor brute the power of speech doubtless he could have advanced good and sufficient reasons. It was not until he was rendered hors de combat that the men succeeded in their fell purpose. At any rate, the animal showed his horse sense as far as he was able.

______

‘Tis Ever Thus

We have been many months thinking out a little electric machine for killing flies, and now somebody comes along and says that flies can’t be killed by electricity. Wouldn’t that shock you?

______

A Distinguished Position

“I envy that man.”

“Why so?”

“He’s the one who sets the style for the whole fashionable metropolis.”

“Huh!”

“Why do you say that?”

“I’d rather be the one to upset it.”

______

Right in Clover

Welcome, welcome summer time,

I will praise you with my rhyme;

You can’t be too hot for us,

‘Though our neighbors fret an’ fuss.

Father he has got some stock

In a big cold storage block;

Brother’s partner, one of three;

In a big ice company.

Sister runs an ice cream store,

An’ the crowds come more and more;

I sell clams to fellers what

Can’t go diggin’ ‘cause it’s hot.

______

Cheerful Comment

Class day is one all its own.

It’s never too late to mend or recommend.

Just as soon as bathing once begins, lots of men follow suit.

Some men have to go abroad to make a showing. Here’s luck to the Red Sox.

The small boy will tell you that the best way to dodge the heat is to duck.

A sane Fourth this year is a possibility. What the Fifth will bring forth is a matter of conjecture.

____________

      June 26, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Mr. East Wind

Please Mr. East Wind, where are you?

You’re many days now overdue;

Just when you’re wanted, Oh, so much,

You will not grant us one small touch.

You’ve gone and hid yourself away

Behind the shores of Baffin’s Bay,

Or playing hide and seek, I ween,

With some fair maid Evangeline.

O, Mr. East Wind, heretofore

You’ve brought us solace o’er and o’er;

You’ve never kept away so long

That we’ve appealed to you in song.

Through winter days and springtime chill

You searched our very bones until

We wildly sought you to refrain

Till summer days should come again.

But now, Oh, East Wind, is the hour

When we would like to feel your power;

When we would like to feel your chill

Disporting round our window sill.

Please, Mr. East Wind, flirt no more

With maidens on some distant shore,

But give poor suff’ring souls a show;

Please, Mr. East Wind, won’t you blow?

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“It is a hull lot better to hev a cabbage leaf in your hat than an artificial leaf on your tombstone.”

______

Lovely Woman

 Man has no right to question woman’s age – to even think about it. A woman, bless her, is as old as she makes out, or makes up, and not a day older. Man is out of his latitude when he begins trying to locate woman’s age longitude. It is her privilege to conceal her age in any form or manner she may choose, and it is man’s prerogative to assist her as much as possible rather than hinder or question her in any way. Man owes it to himself to see that she is supplied with every means of concealing her age, or any new wrinkle which she chooses to keep from the gaze of the over-curious public.

Man is not supposed to be young or beautiful. He couldn’t be if he wanted to be, and he wouldn’t be if he could. With woman it is different. She wants to be, and can be, and is, whether she wants to be or not, and it is a whole lot better for her and for her admirer, or admirers, as the case may be, that her age be carefully guarded under that charming veil of mystery which should ever be hers by right of possession. Forget that she has an age, brother, and you will be happier and so will she, but don’t, for heaven’s sake, forget that she has a birthday.

______

Double Happiness

It must be just perfectly great

To be a sweet June graduate;

It must be joy personified

To be a blushing, fair June bride,

But when one’s both, Oh, fit “conniption,”

That joy must beggar all description!

______

Hot Weather Maxims

Constant fuming wears away the chill.

As a man thinketh so is he heated.

Take plenty of fresh air and salt water.

Fanning drives away the heat and brings more to the fanner.

Ice cold sodas are excellent drinks for creating a thirst.

It’s a hard proposition to keep butter otherwise than soft.

Some folks get all heated up working so hard to keep cool.

Don’t run to catch a street car; the next one will be cooler.

A piece of ice always feels better down the back of somebody else’s neck.

The more one finds fault with the weather the more weather will one have to find fault with.

Perhaps you think you can’t afford to take a vacation, but the truth of the matter is, you can’t afford not to.

Don’t leave your horse in the hot sun while you are enjoying the shade of an ice cream saloon or otherwise.

______

Bige Has His Doubts

Hank Stubbs – Mark my words, some day the autymobile will be ez common ez the bicycle.

Bige Miller – I don’t believe it; we’ll do purty well ef all uv us hev one to a fambly.

______

A Strange Case

Beacon – Fusser doesn’t anticipate his vacation.

Hill – No; says he can’t enjoy the thoughts of some one else doing his work.

____________

June 27, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Our Summer Boarders

Life in the country allus ain’t

     What it’s cracked up to be;

It ain’t so inderpendunt nor

     So absolutely free.

In winter time it’s well enough,

     An’ spring an’ fall, I vum;

But now it ain’t so much becuz

     The summer folks hev come.

I thought the farm belonged to me,

     But no, tain’t none o’ mine;

I owned it once, but that wuz in

     The days uv’ ol’ lang syne.

‘Twas when the ground wuz bare an’ brown,

     When spring wuz cold an’ glum;

‘Twuz in the palmy days afore

     The summer boarders come.

The sleepin’ rooms, they’ve got ‘em all

     ‘Cept one, that’s full o’ trunks;

Semanthy ‘n’ me we occupy

     Some foldin’ kitchen bunks.

We darsn’t use the settin’ room,

     Nor touch the porch, I snum;

We ain’t called nothin’ ours sence

     The summer boarders come.

They want the hoss three times a day,

     An’ not a minute’s wait;

They chase me up with spade an’ hoe

     To dig ‘em worms for bait.

They want the hammocks up or down,

     Or want the swing tree clumb;

I’m jest a sorter butler sence

     The summer boarders come.

Semanthy’s boun’ to advertise,

     She got results galore;

When I git hungry now I go

     An’ lunch down in the store.

They make our aigs an’ garden sass,

     An’ milk an’ butter hum;

Home’s like a foreign mission sence

     The summer boarders come!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“A boy don’t look for’ad to the ‘hay day’ uv youth in jest the same way thet a man looks back upun it.”

______

Getting on in Life

{Hand-made Letters from a City-made Son to His Home-made Father.)

Yours received, dad, and I hasten to answer. You will notice I said “hasten.” I am hastening a good deal nowadays, and for what purpose, do you suppose? In order that I may keep warm, dad. In your letter you hint that the weather is some warm up on the farm. I don’t see how such a thing can be when it is so cool here. You can imagine something how cool it is here when a Tremont street druggist still has his “Hot Chocolate” sign displayed. Coming in to work Saturday morning, I actually saw collections of ice on the sidewalk. That is going some, dad, for the 26^th of June. People all around here are fussing about the chill, but I don’t see why they should; it doesn’t bother me in the least. But there are people in this world, dad, who will kick over anything. One of the fellows who boards here came in late from class day night and kicked over the umbrella stand which some one had left for him on the front stairs.

But to get away from the weather; I have been promoted, dad – moved up, so to speak. I have risen from the position of elevator chauffeur to third assistant office boy on the top floor. If any of the neighbors inquire for me, tell them I now have a high position. The salary, though, seems to be a fixture; that failed to promote, but, still, my chances of going higher are more l=elevated than when I was running the perpendicular ferry. I think the boss likes me; at any rate, he has never told me how well I am doing or that he is pleased with me. Those are good signs, dad.

Well, I must close and put a few more sticks of wood on the fire. We are not running the furnace this week; not as a steady diet. I may have something interesting to divulge – divulge is great – next time I write you. Things have been coming pretty “auto” with me of late. I haven’t got to tell Gladinette any more fairy tales. You know you always said that even a white lie wouldn’t hold its color. She is all to the cheer and wishes to be remembered. Girls don’t like us to forget them, eh, dad? Thermometer still going down – my roommate just threw it at a cat. Write when you can spare the time. Do you really think time is money?

______

Same Old Story

I dreamed I was a millionaire,

       But, alas, when I awoke

I found myself, as usual,

       Just broke, broke, broke.

– Chicago News

On thy cold stones, O, sea!

       And this is not a joke,

I lost sweet Marjorie

       For I was broke, broke, broke!

____________

June 29, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Relaxation

I always like the freakish verse,

     The kind that runs down stairs;

The kind that circles round the page,

     Or does its turn in squares.

It’s fun to see the poets’ stunts,

     Helped by the typo men;

Just see                                    again

     the way                      runs up

          this runs      and then

                   downhill

I do not think that people ought

     To keep the same old gait;

They ought to break loose now and then

     And keep an evening “late.”

A long straight line, without a break,

     Is bad for verse or men;

                     uphill

          this runs      and then

     the way                      runs down

Just see                                     again.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“They’s so many people takin’ the rest cure that the rest uv us hev to keep cured all the while.”

______

Cheerful Comment

No one objects to the watering of the melon stock.

The poor Doves need to be taken under somebody’s wing.

There is a strong suspicion that the Fourth of July is approaching.

William Hitt seems to have made a greater strike than did Abruzzi.

Thirty-six thousand dollars per year will buy nearly 400 first-class cocktails per day.

Things are moving some in Boston, even on the end seats of the street cars.

Dodging a windy day for trying out an aeroplane isn’t very encouraging for impatient fliers.

Doubtless you have already noticed that your country relatives are too busy to answer letters all of a sudden.

Every time there is a real automobile accident the average poor man takes comfort in the fact that he can’t afford one.

If you think times haven’t changed any try to recollect the last time you heard of a man slipping on a banana peel.

Girls, by all means have your picture taken in your largest peach-basket hats. Your grandchildren will think it the greatest contrivance ever invented for shedding rain.

______

Summer Advice

Skies are blue and winds are fair,

     Summer’s coming right along;

Grass is falling everywhere,

     Listen to the hay men’s song!

Orchard bloom has come and gone,

     Apples green hang on the bough;

Johnnie looks at them forlorn –

     Have his picture taken now.

______

An Up-to-Date Mystery

The energetic editor of the “Gungawamp Advocate” was rudely awakened from his afternoon slumber in his office chair by a violent ringing of the telephone bell. At forst he thought it was the jingling of silver coin and a smile played over his sunken features, but when he realized what it really was he sprang to his feet.

“Hello!” shouted he, seizing a pad and pencil.

“Hello!” came the answer; “is this the Advocate office?”

“Yes; and this is the office-er. What do you want?”

“Waal, say, they’s be’n a murder committed out here on my farm an’ I wanter hev you come right out an’ write it up.”

“A murder, what makes you think so?”

“Waal, I jest found a hat, a pair uv spectacles an’ a set uv false teeth down in my south medder, an’ there ain’t another blessed thing in sight nowhere. Oh, it’s muder all right.”

“Have you run down all the clews?”

“Yes; an’ all the stock. Ain’t even a footprint in the grass.”

“All right; I’ll be right out.”

The editor had jumped into his shoes and coat, and was giving directions to the office boy, when the bell rang a second time.

“Hello!” he shouted, nervously.

“Hello!” came the answer. “You needn’t come out. An airship feller hez jest come in an’ sez how he dropped ‘em.”

______

A Strenuous Undertaking

Beacon – Here is a paragraph which says: “A Providence man died from over-exertion while running for a train for Boston.”

Hill – No wonder; it’s a long run from Providence to Boston.

______

A Financial Problem

The soda fountain fizzy

Is getting very busy,

The soda man is looking very happy, we believe;

The clerk on nine per week, he

Is feeling very meek he

Can’t stand the joy of treating his fair steady every eve.

______

A Cold Fact

Hank Stubbs – You can’t lose me in Boston.

Bige Miller – Why not?

Hank Stubbs – ‘Cuz the east wind allus blows one way.

______

To the Rescue

“I can’t begin to tell you how much I love you, dear, I really can’t.”

“Then don’t try,” she said, soothingly, “for you’d undoubtedly make a mess of it.”

____________

June 30, ‘09