Toasts

 

 

 

    TOASTS

 

   To “The Girl.”

 

 

      – Or –

 

    TOASTS

 

  Cal La Amour

 

 

     101 Original “Here’s To’s”

 

  By

 

    Joe Cone

 

    (Author of “The Waybackers,” “Heart and Home Ballads,” Etc.)

 

 

     TO LOVE

 

 

Here’s to Love, the bittersweet,

The Hell and Heaven of us all;

Without which life is not complete,

    With which Life is as honeyed fall.

 

(Undated)

 

 

 

 

   A TOAST FROM THE OFFICE

 

 

Here’s to the maiden

    Who “thumps” on the keys

Of her wearysome ’writer

    All day with such ease;

May the strength she develops

    Upon the machine

Help her “thump” the old man

    If he uses her mean.

 

    (Undated)

 

 

 

 

      MICROBE KILLERS

 

 

Here’s to the maid

    Who isn’t afraid

Of microbes in kisses, I say

    No danger is there

For microbes, I swear,

Can easily be kissed away.

 

(Undated)

 

 

 

 

   TO THE BLACK SHEEP.

 

 

Here’s to the girl who doesn’t care a dam

Whether she’s a black sheep or whether she’s a lamb;

If she’s a lamb we’ll use her very well,

If she’s a black sheep we’ll hurry her to Hell.

 

        (Undated)

 

 

 

 

    TO THE CRUEL ONE.

 

 

Here’s to the lass

Who would me pass

    And cast no loving eye;

If such a pass

Were mine O, lass!

    I fain would rather dye.

 

        (Undated)

 

 

 

 

   TO THE POSING GIRL.

 

 

Here’s to the girl

    Who poses for art,

Who loans to the world

    A classical part;

All honor to her,

    And virtue forsooth,

Mat she ne’er be ashamed

    Of the naked truth.

 

         (Undated)

 

 

 

 

TO THE DULL ONE.

 

 

Here’s to the pretty girl,

Here’s to the witty girl,

Here’s to the one who has neither wit nor beauty;

You’ll find her a steady girl,

    An honest ever(y) ready girl,

Who never runs away when it comes to love and duty.

 

 

      (Undated)

 

 

 

 

THE  G – I– R – L.

 

 

G is for the girl

    Who is very swell;

I is for me,

    Who loves her quite well,

R is for “rocks”

    Of which I’m bereft;

L is for Love,

    And also for “left.”

 

            (Undated)

 

 

 

 

 TO THE GOOD.

 

 

Here’s to the maiden

    Who’s free from all sin;

May God and man help her

    To never begin.

 

 

      (Undated)

 

 

   

 

TO THE WILLING ONE.

 

 

Here’s to the miss

Who likes to kiss,

    Who likes an arm about her;

O, life would be

A barren tree,

    And good for naught without her.

 

    (Undated)

 

 

 

 

  TO WHOM?

 

 

O, here’s to you and to you and you,

To all of you who are good and true;

But not to you who are not so good,

Till you can be as good as you should.

 

   (Undated)

 

 

 

 

 

    TO THE SENTIMENTAL.

 

 

Here’s to the maiden

    Who’s most sentimental,

Who never is uppish,

    But always quite gentle;

Who never objects

    To our hugging and kissing;

Convenient is she

    When the others are missing.

 

                     (Undated)

 

 

 

 

   TO THE NAUGHTY ONE.

 

 

Here’s to the girl who slyly smokes,

And tells her chums those naughty jokes;

    May she lose her taste,

            Forget her pieces,

    And know no peace

            Until she ceases.

 

         (Undated)

 

 

 

 

   TO THE SUNSHINY GIRL.

 

 

Here’s to the maid

    Who’s not afraid

To tell her lover she adores him;

But shame on the one

    Who gives him no fun,

But mopes all the time and ignores him.

 

 (Undated)

 

 

 

 

 ALAS! A LASS.

 

 

Here’s to the girl I’ve never seen

As proud and stately as a queen;

Harsh Fate may ne’er her to me bring,

Still I shall always be her King.

 

        (Undated)

 

 

 

 

    TO THE HORSE WOMAN.

 

 

Here’s to the woman

    Who rides a swift horse,

        Who looks very chic in the saddle;

But shame on the creature

    Who follows mankind,

        And gallops her Dobbin astraddle.

 

                     (Undated)

 

 

 

 

 TO THE BOYS.

 

 

Here’s to the men who eat and drink,

Here’s to the men who sit and think,

    The tippler and teetotaler rare;

For some are good who answer “nay,”

And some are good who drink all day,

    And all are good sometime, somewhere.

 

                 (Undated)

 

 

 

 

 TO THEM ALL

 

 

Here’s to the pretty girl,

    Here’s to the witty girl,

Here’s to the short one, here’s to the tall;

If we can’t have the comely one

    Pray let us have the homely one,

For any old girl beats no girl at all.

 

                   (Undated)

 

 

 

 

    TO THE LOVING GIRL.

 

 

Here’s to the girl

    Who loves to love,

Who loves to love

    Because ’tis love.

Who loves her lover,

    Who loves her love,

Who loves love, lover,

    And lover’s love.

 

    (Undated)

 

 

 

 

   TO THE TRIPPING GIRL.

 

 

Here’s to the girl

    Who trips along;

Whose life is like

    A tripping song.

May she e’er trip,

    In manner humble,

And not get gay

    And trip and stumble.

 

                        (Undated)

 

 

 

 

  TO ANYONE.

 

 

O, here’s to the maiden

    Who kissed likes to be;

And if “he” is too busy

    Pray send after me.

 

                   (Undated)

 

 

 

 

  TO THE LEAP YEAR GIRL.

 

 

Here’s to the maiden

    About to propose;

May joy smile upon her

    Wherever she goes.

Leap Year is her season,

    For truth or for lark;

May her Leap be successful,

    And not in the dark.

 

                         (Undated)

 

 

 

 

   TO THE BLUSHING ONE.

 

 

“Full many a rose is born

    To blush unseen

And waste its fragrance on

    The desert air.”

Full many a maid is born

    To blush, I ween,

Yet, somehow, don’t we find

    Her pretty rare?

 

          (Undated)

 

 

 

 

     TO THE USELESS ONE.

 

 

Here’s to the girl

    Who can’t cook or sew,

Or keep her old shoes

    All set in a row;

Who can’t build the fire,

    Or sweep out the hall;

May she be an old maid

    Till she masters them all.

 

  (Undated. Published in Jocosities, Sept. 8, 1909)

 

 

 

 

  TO A SKATER.

 

 

Here’s to the maiden

    Who skates on the ice;

There’s something about her

    We think very nice.

But shame on the lassie

    With wavering feet,

Who tries all too vainly

    To skate up the street.

 

     (Undated. Published in Jocosities, Sept. 8, 1909 as ‘To the Skater.)

 

 

 

 

    WHO KEEPS HER YOUTH.

 

 

Here’s to the maiden

           Who never grows old,

    Who knows all about how to

           Keep her good looks;

Who knows where good rouge and

           Cosmetics are sold,

    Who “grows younger” each year as

           They say in the books.

 

(Undated. Published in Jocosities, Sept. 9, 1909 as ‘To the Youthful One’.)

 

 

 

 

TO MISS INDEPENDENCE.

 

 

Here’s to the maiden

    Who knows her own mind,

Who in ways of the world

    Is a long way from blind.

Who knows her own mind,

    And holds a good lease of it;

And Heaven prevent us

    From getting a piece of it.

 

  (Undated. Published in Jocosities, Sept. 9, 1909)

 

 

 

 

TO RUBY LIPS.

 

 

Brown eyes or black eyes,

    Blue eyes or gray;

Black hair or blonde hair,

    I’d ne’er bid her stay.

Tall girl or short girl,

    So long as she’s this:

Two ripe, ruby lips

    Posed for a kiss.

 

                  (Undated)

 

 

 

 

TO THE HUNTRESS.

 

 

Here’s to the maiden who loveth to hunt,

Who with her repeater can do a good stunt;

May she always aim true, and never know fear,

And never mistake her guide for a “dear.”

 

  (Undated. Published in Jocosities, Sept. 10, 1909)

 

 

 

 

TO THE ANGLING GIRL.

 

 

Here’s to the girl

    Who can handle a rod,

        And land a big fish all alone;

If she’s nifty and true

    We know what she’ll do

        When she gets a small “school” of her own.

 

  (Undated. Published in Jocosities, Sept. 10, 1909)

 

 

 

 

    TO THE DANCING GIRL.

 

 

Here’s to the dancer

    Who spins on her toes;

Who crowds, each performance,

    The Baldheaded rows.

To her efforts alone

We owe it, I swear,

Such bright, shining rows

   Of wisdom laid bare.

 

  (Undated. Published in Jocosities, Feb. 1, 1910)

 

 

 

 

 TO THE NON-FLIRT.

 

 

Here’s to the maiden

    Who flirts not at all,

At seashore or mountain,

    At theatre or ball.

Who holds wicked flirting

    With men up to scorn;

Here’s to her, I say –

    But she hasn’t been born.

 

  (Undated. Published in Jocosities, Sept. 6, 1909)

 

 

 

 

 TO THE MUSICAL ONE.

 

 

Here’s to the girl who can sing and play

    And help to drive dull care away;

But shades on the maiden who’s “right on the spot,”

    Who thinks she is musical when she is not.

 

  (Undated. Published in Jocosities, Feb. 1, 1910)

 

 

 

 

     TO THE WHIST GIRL.

 

 

Here’s to the maiden

    Who loves to play whist;

Who asks all the questions

    And more, on the list.

Who asks “what is trumps,”

    With serious face,

And every new deal

    Trumps her partner’s ace.

 

    (Undated. Published in Jocosities, February 27, 1910)

 

 

 

 

 

   TO THE GOOD-WIFE.

 

 

Here’s to the wifey who knows the best way

To handle her hubby by night and by day;

Who brightens the fireside so that her old “hub”

Would rather stay by her than go to the club.

 

  (Undated. Published in Jocosities, Sept. 8, 1909)

 

 

 

 

 TO THE BACHELOR GIRL.

 

 

Here’s to the maiden who lives all alone,

The “Bachelor Girl,” as she’s generally known;

May she find a companion as soon as she can,

If he be nothing more than the much despised man.

 

  (Undated. Published in Jocosities, Sept. 8, 1909)

 

 

 

 

  TO THE STAGE GIRLS.

 

 

Here’s to the star

    And the little Soubrette,

The chorus girls too,

    And the ladies quartette;

May they always look pretty

    And be all the rage

On the show-bills of life

    That they are on the stage.

 

  (Undated. Published in Jocosities, Sept. 6, 1909)

 

 

 

 

 TO BLUE EYES.

 

 

Here’s to the girl with eyes of blue,

The fairest of the fairest hue;

Should she not me with favor view

More than her eyes would I be blue.

 

  (Undated. Published in Jocosities, July 31, 1910)

 

 

 

 

TO THE MILKMAID.

 

 

Here’s to the maiden all forlorn

Who milks the cow with crumpled horn;

Tho’ city cousins may dress in silk

Mayhap they have no cows to milk.

 

  (Undated. Published in Jocosities, July 31, 1910)

 

 

 

 

   TO THE SAINTLY ONE.

 

 

Here’s to the maiden

Who never knew wrong;

Whose pathway is bordered

    With flowers and song.

Here’s to her future,

    Her present and past;

May she travel so slowly

    She’ll never go fast.

 

  (Undated. Published in Jocosities, February 27, 1910)

 

 

 

 

TO THE FISHER MAID.

 

 

Here’s to the maid who can handle the rod,

    Who can throw a long line with a hackle;

May she land with a swish

Most any old fish

    That gets in the way of her tackle.

 

        (Undated. Published in Jocosities March 13, 1910)

 

 

 

 

TO THE TWITCHING EYELID.

 

 

Here’s to the girl who slyly winks,

Who with her winking raises jinks;

May she fore’er be idolized,

Nor have her eyelids paralyzed.

 

  (Undated. Published in Jocosities, July 31, 1910)

 

 

 

 

  (LAST PAGE.)

 

 

Here’s to the high,

    Here’s to the low;

Here’s to the fast,

    Here’s to the slow.

Here’s to your ills,

    Here’s to your health;

Here’s to your want,

    Here’s to your wealth.

Here’s to your joy,

    Here’s to your pain;

Here’s to you till

    We meet again.

 

                      (Undated)

                                                          

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*  *  *  Addition Toasts From Other Sources  *  *  *

 

 

 

 

 

 

                         TOAST TO THE MISTLETOE GIRL

 

 

Here’s to the maid

    Who’s never afraid

To stand ‘neath the mistletoe;

    Here’s to the miss

    Who gives back the kiss,

Whether it’s wanted or no.

 

    Here’s to the lass

    Who looks in the glass

And sees a cheek blushing rare;

    Who’ll return weal or woe

    ‘Neath the glad mistletoe,

So that both her cheeks will compare!

 

Dec. 16, ‘09

 

    (Published in Jocosities, Dec. 17, 1909)

 

 

 

 

   TOAST TO THE “HAPPY MEDIUM”

 

 

Here’s to the great, big beautiful blonde,

    And here’s to the tall brunette;

And here’s to the girl of the broiler type,

    So tiny, but growing yet!

But here’s to the girl who’s neither a blonde,

    Brunette, or short or tall;

Who is all of these, and who, if you please,

    Is the dandiest girl of all.

 

Oct. 16, 1914

 

(Written for Anna Thompson, for the linen shower toast to Mabel Reed, Oct. 30, 1914.)

 

 

 

 

 

     A WINSHIP TOAST

 

 

Here’s to the Doctor,

    Long may he preside

O’er this saintly body

    With profit and pride.

 

And may the musical Gabriel

    Forever postpone

His meaningless tooting

    That “blast”-ed trombone.

 

April 23, ‘05

 

(This may be directed toward A.E. {Albert Edward} Winship, long time editor of The Journal of Education (Boston) and at one point President of the New England Press Association. In 1905, he wrote an often cited article entitled ‘The Mission of Music in the Public Schools’,

 

 

 

 

 

     A TOAST

 

 

Here’s to the girl

    I never knew,

Yet know I she

    Was good and true.

As good as she

    Was ne’er another;

Here’s to that girl

    Who’s now my mother.

 

              (circa March 9, ’08)

 

 

 

 

  TO THE HIGH SINGER.

 

Here’s to the girl who can sing like a lark

That soars far up in the sky;

    May she soar and sing

    Like a heavenly thing,

        Though not so far

        Above each star

That she cannot get down from on high.

 

  (Undated. Published in Jocosities, Sept. 13, 1909)

 

 

 

 

     AS IN DAYS OF OLD.

 

Here’s to the maiden who knows her own mind,

Who cannot be jollied by all of mankind;

Who’s wise and who’s witty, and well up to snuff,

But heaven prevent her from using the stuff!

 

  (Undated. Published in Jocosities, Sept. 13, 1909)

 

 

 

 

   TO THE ALL-ROUND GIRL.

 

Here’s to the girl who can cook and sew,

Who can pay her own way, and hoe her own row;

She makes a good sweetheart, and makes a good wife,

And makes a good mother, you just bet your life.

 

  (Undated. Published in Jocosities, Sept. 12, 1909)

 

 

 

 

    TO THE FALSE ONE.

 

 

Here’s to the maid with a form divine,

    From her foot to the top of her head;

Providing she doesn’t take half of it off

    Before she gets ready for bed.

 

      (Undated. Published in Jocosities, Sept. 12, 1909)

 

 

 

 

TO THE DON’T WORRY GIRL

 

 

Here’s to the girl

    Who’s never afraid

She’s going to live

    And die an old maid.

If she doesn’t care whether

    She weds or not,

She’ll find a good husband

    Right on the spot.

 

  (Undated. Published in Jocosities, Sept. 12, 1909)

 

 

 TO RUBY LIPS

 

Brown eyes or black eyes,

    Blue eyes or gray;

Black hair or blonde hair,

    We’d ne’er bid her stay.

Tall girl or short girl,

    So long as she’s this:

Two ripe, ruby lips

    All posed for a kiss.

 

  (Undated. Published in Jocosities, Sept. 12, 1909)

 

 

 

 

  The Croquet Girl

 

 

Here’s to the maiden

    Who plays at croquet

In the good, old-fashioned,

    Regular way.

Who likes well to argue,

    With swift running palate;

Who swats her opponent

    Right hard with her mallet.

 

  (Undated. Published in Jocosities, Aug. 11, 1910)

 

 

 

 

   THE KISSING MOUTH

 

 

Here’s to the girl

With teeth like a pearl,

    And lips red as the rose;

What would we do

If she asked us to?

    Well, what do you suppose?

 

    (Undated. Published in Jocosities, Aug. 11, 1910)

 

 

 

 

 “BRYAN MUM ON DEFEAT”

 

We admire the fellow who gets on top

    And then doesn’t crow o’er his climb;

The fellow who spurns to do a few turns

    Is the fellow we like every time.

But the man who’s defeated, and then keeps mum,

    Who smiles, but has nothing to say,

Ah! He is the host we admire the most,

    So here’s to mute “W.J.”

 

  (Undated. Published in Jocosities, July 30, 1910)