Jocosities, October, 1909

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Feelin’ Fine

Allus hev a feelin’ fine

When October gits in line;

When Jack Frost comes pokin’ round,

Overhead an’ on the ground,

Huntin’ round, when comes the night,

Fur a chance to nip an’ bite

Anyone who ain’t aware

He is presunt anywhere.

Allus feel slick ez a pin

‘Cuz my crops are gathered in.

Barns are bustin’ full uv hay

Fur the dreary winter day;

Roofs are shingled, battened tight

Fur the stormy winter night.

Tools are housed an’ ev’rything

Ready fur ol’ winter’s sting.

Sullar’s full uv garden truck

‘Cuz we’ve hed a year uv luck;

‘Taters, turnips, cabbages,

Ev’ry kind uv sass they is,

We hev put it right up brown,

An’ some juice to wash it down!

What’s to hinder feelin’ fine

When October gits in line?

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“It’s a long road thet don’t hev a turnin’, an’ it’s a mighty short one thet don’t hev any bumpers.”

______

Give and Take

Reports from Washington state that Uncle Sam is studying how to help the fat man reduce his avoirdupois. Taking Uncle Sam himself as an illustration, it wouldn’t be a bad idea for the old fellow to study out a way of putting some on.

______

Cheerful Comment

What we need is a polar Sherlock Holmes.

“Crick in the neck” is prevalent among New Yorkers.

Some one says Jeffries is training; who is Jeffries?

Speaking theatrically, how long has it been “Cecilia” Loftus?

Anyway, the Baldwin dirigible is a good floater.

Lord Northcliffe says we are a nation of dreamers. Yes, but we work while we sleep.

It looks now as though the latest road to success might be a few feet above the housetops.

Elbert Hubbard says to be foolish five minutes every day. Some people persist in turning it ‘tother way round.

______

A Warning

Now every steeple in the land

     And tall skyscraper, too,

Would better take and extra brace,

     And keep a skyward view.

The airship man is coming ‘round

     Chock full of speed and pluck,

And they are likely to get bumped

     Unless they dodge or duck.

______

Local Lines

The weather kiosk still does a good business.

It would be a good plan to have either “1” or “2.”

Sightseeing agents are almost as numerous as the sights.

Don’t be a “repeater” at the Food Fair; buy a lunch.

Why should we go to the trouble of writing “Bostonian”? Why wouldn’t “Bostoan” do, or “Bostone”?

There is absolutely no truth in the rumor that Avery is to be a “one-way street” for pedestrians.

No one envies New York its Hudson river or its celebration, but for a real big time come to our 1920 affair.

______

Is This Apparent?

(Contributed.)

The English barber misunderstood his rather bald-headed patron who, when he sat down in the chair, asked: “Is there any ‘air apparent?”

“Why, yes, sir,” the barber replied, “but if the King’s ‘ealth keeps as good as it is the ‘eir apparent won’t have much show, sir.” – T. F. Melrose.

____________

Oct. 1, 1909

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Sanctum

Down the long hall is the Sanctum, where the heavy thoughts are thunk,

Where our cubbish gems are daily separated from the punk;

Where the destinies of nations are hung up and whipped in line,

Where the wily politician likes to worship at the shrine.

At the hall’s end is the Sanctum, where we like, but dread to go,

Where the stately sign of “Private” fills us with a sense of woe;

Where sometimes the sky is cloudy, when we’ve “broken laws” for aye,

Where the sun is always shining if we keep the standard high.

O, the myst’ry of the Sanctum down the long and narrow hall!

Where the Judge sits with his pencil swatting genius great and small;

How we tremble for the weakling, how we honor those who brave

All the elements of danger, and their precious beings save!

Tread you lightly by the Sanctum, don’t disturb its calm repose;

‘Tis the graveyard of the faulty, ‘tis the realm of joys and woes.

But we have a sense of safety underneath our quickened breath,

For if ‘twasn’t for the Sanctum we would write ourselves to death!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“A man would be a fool not to pick up the north pole ef he happened to come acrost it, whether he hed already ast permission or not.”

______

Quite Polesque

(With apologies to whom it may concern.)

I have never seen an icy pole,

     I never hope to see one;

But really now, upon my soul,

     I’d rather see than be one.

______

The Fishing Outfit

He hates to put his fish pole by, and pack away each hook and fly, and pull his boat into the shed, and call the fishing season dead. The only joy that he will know all through winter’s ice and snow, will be to spin a lie each day concerning what he’s put away.

 ______

The Query Box

Dear Jocosity: Jedgin’ from the natur’ of you stuff in the paper an’ the look of your photygraf, I take it you wuz brought up on a farm, an’ if so p’raps you kin give me the desired information that I want. Do you know anything about cows, an’ why they don’t give more than they do? I have got a big, stout husky lookin’ cow what orter give 16 quarts a day, an’ she don’t give more’n three. Now somethin’ must be the matter. Don’t tell me to increase her fodder, cuz she has all she kin stuff. Don’t tell me to give her better care an’ to change her pasture, cuz she’s practically one of the fam’ly, an’ I’ve pastured her all over the farm. Still she don’t give down. What would you advise me to do to git more milk?

                                           AMOS PARSLEY.

My dear Ame: You certainly do surprise us. You, a man of the soil, a full-fledged farmer, intelligent and in your right mind, and don’t know how to get more milk. It’s the simplest thing in the world – get another cow!

______

Kitchen Days

And now the kitchen’s in a mess,

     O’er ev’rything the green juice trickles;

But think of winter’s happiness,

     With wifey’s chow-chow and her pickles!

______

What Could It Be

Teacher – Now, Willie, you describe the North pole as nearly as you can from hearsay.

Willie – I – I don’t want to, mam.

Teacher – Don’t want to? Why not?

Willie – All I’ve heard about it is what pa said, and ma said if he kept on talkin’ that way she’d take me and run away over to grandma’s.

______

Cheerful Comment

October’s ‘ere.

Joy riders continue to come to grief.

Pushing the pole to one side, Dr. Cook’s a dern good fellow.

The political pot is being prepared for the annual “boil.”

There’s a fine scarcity of poems in the Eskimo dialect.

And now the janitor will get his if the tenants don’t get theirs.

Dr. Frederick A. Cook, lately of the north pole, brought along a change of weather.

New York can’t have a decent celebration and a high wind at the same time.

And now start the furnace and go off and leave it long enough to see if it will set the house afire.

______

Might Be Used

It’s a good thing fur some one,

     Now trouble’s so thick,

The pole they’re discussin’

     It ain’t a sharp stick.

____________

Oct. 2, 1909

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

One by One

The leaves are falling,

       One by one;

South birds are calling,

     One by one;

Marshlands are hushing,

The vines are blushing,

Jack Frost is crushing

     One by one.

The days are passing,

     One by one;

The years are massing

     One by one.

Old age comes stealing,

Cold, unappealing,

The years revealing,

     One by one.

Good deeds are measured

     One by one;

Kind words are treasured,

     One by one.

God notes the falling,

Decay forestalling;

His own recalling,

     One by one.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“What good be riches ef you don’t spend ‘em, an’ what good be they ef you do?”

______

A Fable

Once on a time there was a man who kept a secret for many, many months. He went to every one of his friends and told them of something great and worthy that he was going to do.

“Now,” he said to each one, “I wish you would tell everybody you can, far and near, that it may spread and do good.” And then he went his way.

“Huh!” said each one to himself, after the man’s back was turned, “does he think I’m going to be his mouthpiece and tell everybody what he is going to do? Am I going to be his press agent and get no remuneration therefore? I guess not; I’ll keep it to myself,” and he did; and as a result there was nothing said about the man’s intentions until everything was done to his satisfaction.

Moral: Blow your own horn loud enough and the rest of the band will desert you.

______

Pavement Philosophy

A thing of beauty should try to keep so forever.

A good corn crop is necessary for the hen crop.

A secret that is worth keeping is, of course, doubly worth telling.

Perhaps it is no disgrace to be a kicker if the other fellow needs one.

If you are doing your level best, you may be sure you will rise above your own level.

Every married man feels himself competent to go into the furniture moving business.

Perhaps it would be just as well to believe everything you hear as to believe nothing whatever.

It is a fine thing to be able to say you are an honest man; it is a finer thing if it is really so.

There may be just as good fish in the sea as ever were caught; but the trouble with most of us is we’ve used up our best bait on the first ones.

______

Two Quatrains

(Contributed.)

HEARTS

Hearts are uncanny things,

They break in transport, triumphing over fears,

Doubts, angers, sorrows, sufferings,

Blighting the sun, and blossoming in tears.

THE PROCESSION

Beautiful mother! To thy breast

All thy way-worn sons return,

To the last welcome that is best –

Thy bosom’s cradle urn.

Somerville.                       H. A. K.

______

He Forgot Something

“Is that all you have to say to me?” she queried, looking off into space.

“Great heavens, girl!” said he, abashed, “what more can I say? Haven’t I told you that I worship the very ground you walk on? Haven’t I offered you every iota of my worldly possessions? Haven’t I said that you would never want for anything, that your relatives could come and stay as long as they wished, that I would work my fingers bare for you, and that I would devote my entire existence to you?”

“Oh, yes, you said all that,” she replied, wearily, “but –”

“But what?” he asked, tremulously.

“You – you didn’t say right out and out ‘I love you,’ and that’s what I wanted to hear most of all.”

______

A Kind Parent

Hank Stubbs – They say Mandy Summers hez eloped with thet city chap who’s been hangin’ round her so long.

Bige Miller – Is ol’ man Summers chasin’ ‘em?

Hank Stubbs – Chasin’ ‘em? He lent ‘em $20 to pay expenses!

____________

Oct. 3, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Hank Stubbs Soliloquizes

I don’t keer who found the pole,

No, I don’t, upon my soul;

Doesn’t matter much to me

Whether one, or two, or three,

Six or ten, or only one

Done the job so long’s ‘twuz done.

What I want to know, I vow,

What is butter fetchin’ now?

Might hev been ol’ Dr. Cook,

Might hev been Bob Perry took

What they wuz to take. Mayhap

‘Twuzn’t took by either chap;

How could they take it, I declare,

Somethin’ what was never there?

But what worries me, I jing!

What’s pertaters goin’ to bring?

Huntin’ poles ain’t on my list,

I ain’t no big scientist;

I’m a farmer threw an’ threw,

Keepin’ prices right in view.

Poles an’ airships ain’t fur me,

Got all I kin handle, see?

What I want to know, by gosh!

What’s the market pay fur squash?

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Ef the coat fits, wear it, pervidin’ it’s your own coat.”

______

Interviewing a Noted Actor

Wishing to view a noted actor at close range, and disbelieving the stories often told, that stage people seldom read anything but theatrical news, I started out, armed with two notebooks and two fountain pens, charged to the muzzle. Yes, Mr. Boothlet was in, and read my card.

Mr. Boothlet – Well, what is your business? My time is precious; it is time for me now to be standing in front of the Adams House.

Interviewer – I came to get your views on the Cook-Perry controversy.

Mr. Boothlet – U-m; Cook-Perry, what chains of theatres do they run? O. yes, I remember; the one who’s got the most boodle will win out, of course; he always does. Take Keith and Proctor and –

Interviewer – I mean the explorers.

Mr. Boothlet – Explorers? That’s a new one on me. By the way, have you seen me in “The Thirteenth Knight”? Packed houses every night, ten curtain calls at the close of the second act. Four managers after me now for next season.

Interviewer – By the way, Mr. Boothlet, who is your favorite living humorist?

Mr. Boothlet – Bill Nye; after him, Artemus Ward.

Interviewer – Beg pardon, but I said living.

Mr. Boothlet – O, yes; come to think of it, I attended the funerals of both of them. Did you see what the critics said of me opening night? Here are 11 clippings; read them. Art isn’t dead; no, no, art isn’t dead. The sterling player is coming into his own again. But really, sir, you’ll have to excuse me; I must be upon my way. Tell your paper that O. C. Boothlet is making the hit of his life in “The Thirteenth Knight.” Good day!

______

We Kick at This

Dear Jocosity: What would they do with a cow on a warship which was in action? – Harold Faithful.

Look here, do you mean the warship in action or the cow?

______

We’d Like to Be –

Way down in good ol’ Alabam’,

     The sunny southern land which

Jes’ grows the cotton and the pa’m,

     Likewise the whiskey sandwich.

______

What’s the Use?

He bought an airship new and trim,

     Next thing the poor man heard

His wife desired it on her hat

     Because ‘twas such a bird!

____________

Oct. 4, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

October Woods and You

Ah, once again the red and gold

Has come upon the wood and wold,

And hidden walks now lie astrew

With leaves that blaze the autumn hue;

Fit carpetings for feet so light

They put to shame the woodland sprite.

Again would I old paths pursue

Through autumn woods, sweetheart, with you.

The apple blooms of spring are sweet,

With blossoms falling at your feet;

When nature wakes a spark divine

That echoes in your heart and mine,

And summer with her clinging dress

Of green affords us happiness;

But  joy  supreme,  and  love’s  bright hue  –

October woods, and walks with you!

What though the birds desert their bowers,

What though have perished summer’s flowers?

With you to keep me company

I would not miss the joys that die.

Enough your slender hand to hold

In woodland paths of red and gold;

Enough the old scenes to review –

October woods and walks with you!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Some men try tew take a bad taste out uv their mouths by puttin’ in a wuss one.”

______

Pavement Philosophy

Aviators will find a good many holes in the road.

Hoe your row early, then rest at the wane of day.

This country is a great country to him who helps make it great.

Some people avoid the rush by waiting till the rush is all over.

The milk of human kindness turns sour when it’s set aside too long.

If you can’t back up everything you say, back it up before you say it.

Look out for anything that keeps you warm for the winter and cool for the summer.

Some men would shave themselves more, only if they did they couldn’t swear at the barber.

If a stitch in time saves no more than two, it is worth while getting out your darning cotton.

No man can help his face, so to speak, but of course he ought to do so if he possibly can.

______

Time!

Little drops of water,

     Little chunks of ice,

Make a controversy

     Which is far from nice.

______

A Slow Outlook

“Gertrude,” he sighed, hesitatingly, “do you think you could truly love a man if he were unfortunate enough not to own an automobile?”

“Yes, George,” she answered, thoughtfully, “but, dear me, I could love him a great deal faster if he did own one.”

______

Seasonable Stabs

Sometimes “Hot Chocolate” isn’t.

We’d rather be right than be janitor.

Will the Doves hold out to come home to roost?

The annual football head of hair is again seen in our midst.

The prosperous plumber’s wife will soon be coming out in a new pony coat.

The politician smiles once more, and hold your hand as ne’er before.

______

In Magazine Land

I like to buy a magazine

     That’s pleasing to the sight,

And take it to my cozy den

     When comes the wintry night.

I like to lie back in my chair

     (I am a man of fads)

I like to turn it, page by page.

     And read the brilliant ads.

____________

Oct. 5, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

“Roasta Chestnutta!”

You may talk about your nutting in the golden autumn woods,

Where the chatter of the squirrel breaks the dreary solitudes;

Where the drumming of the partridge and the whistle of the quail

With its melancholy cadence echoes through the lonely vale.

You may mention, if you’re fussy, nutting in such spots as this,

And perhaps, for souls romantic, it would be a rural bliss,

But I know a way of nutting that discounts it ev’ry time,

‘Tis to buy a pint of “roasta” from a Dago for a dime.

You don’t have to beat the bushes with their tangled briars and sticks,

Tearing clothes and scratching fingers with the burr that sharply pricks;

You don’t have to tramp the pastures, clamber ledges, jump the wall,

Climb the trees and shake the branches just to make the chestnuts fall.

You can just go to the corner where the aproned Dago stands

And select a quart of “roastas” satisfying all demands;

You can sit and munch your chestnuts, happy to the very core,

Knowing when they are exhausted you can go and buy some more.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Sometimes when you are on the train with your eyes shet you can’t tell which way you are goin’, but they is no excuse fur your not tellin’ which way you are goin’ with your eyes wide open.”

______

Cheerful Comment

Somebody’s getting a fat thing off from the pigskin library.

Make friends while the sun shines; when it is cloudy you can’t.

If you are going out to play a tune in public, don’t leave your instrument behind.

The big blowout in New York ended with a smaller one. For particulars address Wilbur Wright.

Don’t imagine everybody is talking about you; on the other hand, they may be trying to forget about you.

Clothes may make the man, but it takes several articles in addition to make the average woman.

This $25,000 for the first story of the pole makes us wish we had made a dash for something or other.

The reason some people are so given to wearing evening dress may be because they don’t get up till nearly evening.

After all, it won’t be nearly so hard for the average man to settle the pole question in his own mind as it will the coal question in some one else’s.

The President, when he was on his southern visit, was called a gay and fantastic tripper, but now he can truthfully be termed a long-distance tripper.

______

A Young Pieta

I wish ‘at I wuz twenty feet

     In height, indeed I do;

And I wuz twenty feet around,

     An’ empty through an’ through.

I tell you jus’ what I would do,

     I’d bid my folks good-by,

An’ go into a bakery

     An’ jus’ fill up with pie.

______

Hunters, Attention!

The Gungawamp Gazette printed the following last week: “To hunters, sporting men and others who carry arms, as well as farmers who have to take the consequences: Another year has swung around on its axle, and we feel duty bound to raise our voice in warning against several things that happen every year without variation or cessation. Land ought to be less posted, but hunters more so. A hunter who knocks down a fence ought to be treated likewise. A man who don’t know a gun from a curtain pole ought to do all his hunting in a shooting gallery. There’s a difference between a farmer’s cow and a wild moose. If the cow will stand for being milked she ain’t a moose. Don’t shoot till you find out. A farmer digging potatoes may look like a deer from a distance, but holler and find out first which he is. If you employ a guide see that you bring him back to the bosom of his family; don’t shoot him because game is scarce. All kinds of trespass notices and obituaries printed at the Gazette office. Try us!”

______

The Foolish Cow

She’d stand and munch her apples down

     All day beneath the tree;

At night she’d stagger to the bars

     As boozy as could be.

While from the tub beneath the mill

     She would not drink the brew,

Because she could not hold a straw

     To suck the cider through.

______

Still Going

“For heaven’s sake,” appeals an exchange, “won’t you let up on Peary?” And the “haw-haw” editor replied:

“Yes, when he lets up on Cook.”

______

A Distinction with a Difference

“My wife saves my money for me.”

“Mine is different from that.”

“Hos so?”

“Mine saves mine from me.”

______

Up and Down

(Contributed.)

Now Orville Wright has flown so high

     That he has beat the lark,

And aviators long will try

     To reach his shining mark.

But in the window on the street

     You’ll see another flight,

For there the prices that you meet

     Are simply out of sight.

Twelve hundred feet below the ground

     Went our good President;

Where is the ruler to be found

     Can boast a like descent?

But deeper still most any man

     Must in his pockets dig,

And work and save, and scrimp and plan

     To buy his wife’s fall “rig.”

     Dorchester.                         H. E. F.

____________

Oct. 6, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Peanut Crop

(The peanut crop in Virginia and North Carolina will show a big decrease in yield this year – News.)

To me this is an awful blow

Because I love the peanuts so.

They’re my tobacco, and my drink,

And so I do not like to think

Of any scarcity or drop

At all in this year’s peanut crop.

The message fills my heart with woe,

Because I love the peanuts so.

What would a circus be to me

Without my peanut symphony?

And what would be the country fair

If peanuts weren’t plenty there?

Do you suppose I’d go to see

A game of baseball? No, sir-ee!

It wouldn’t be nowise the same

Without the peanuts in the game.

O, let them raise the price of hash,

Or let the “corners” go to smash;

Let shortage come in that or this,

‘Twould not disturb my daily bliss,

But O, the cruel fates that lie

Behind the peanut land’s supply;

O woe is me, O, mine is woe,

Because I love the peanuts so!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Don’t forgit thet when you make a mountain out uv a mole hill you’ve got to turn roun’ an’ git rid of the mountain.”

______

Literary Note

“Was Shakespeare a gentleman?”

Well, he said some pretty raw things.

______

Soaring

       Let us then be up and flying, with a heart for any fate; we can’t hope to go a-skying sitting on the garden gate. Lives of men like Wright remind us all we have to do is dare, and departing, leave behind us footprints on the desert air.

______

What’s the Sense?

(Being a poetical effort by the editor of the Gungawamp Gazette).

A friend writes in to ask us why

A limousine we do not buy.

What good would be a limousine

Without a tank of gasoline?

What would be a gaso’ tank

Without some money in a bank?

And then what good would be a bank

Without a dollar in the tank?

And now it’s easy to be seen

Why we don’t buy a limousine.

______

A Clear Case

“But, sir, I cannot live without your daughter.”

“Don’t you suppose I know that? I have investigated your salary as well as your living expenses.”

______

The Roach

(I GO A-FISHING)

The roach is a fresh water flounder, the mill pond flatfish, sometimes called by unsportsmanlike people “the punkin seed.” The roach is good to look at, and that is about all, and then, in order to see him, you have to look at him broadside. Looking at him endwise, or up and down, you cannot see him, he is so painfully thin. It is a comical sight to see a roach and a pickerel travelling together, which you never do. The pickerel is all one way, and the roach is all the other. He is not much of a fighter unless he happens to puncture your hand with his sharp back fin unintentionally. Like his brother, the perch, he will bite at anything in the shape of bait, whether it resembles bait or not. The roach is not a chaser, as is the perch and pickerel, and won’t chase a make-believe article of food all over the pond, but dangle something in front of him and he will bite it just for the sake of biting.

The roach is speckled, or rather freckled, from too much exposure to the sun. He lives in shallow water, preferably rocky or sandy bottom. He is quite domestic, watching his bed and board quite closely, and is never seen going out after a drink. His meat is rather coarse, and his bones are numerous and of mastodonic proportions. A large roach is useful as a baler when he is curled up by the sun, and is frequently used as an emergency patch, nailed on the outside of a leaky boat. The best way to prepare a roach for eating is to turn him over to the cat.

______

Voice from Gungawamp

The frost is on the punkin,

     The fodder’s safe an’ sound;

The cider’s in the suller,

     Let winter come around!

______

A Charitable View

Hank Stubbs – I notice thet them airship fellers won’t go up when the wind blows hard.

Bige Miller – Waal, as I understand it, they wanter do their own flyin’, an’ not be drove by the wind.

____________

Oct. 7, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

When He Gets Time

“When I git time,” said Halsey Simms

     One day in Stokes’ store,

“I’m goin’ to fix my fences up,

     An’ close my farm once more.

I’m goin’ to clean my pasture lot

     Uv all the underbrush;

I’m goin’ to do all thet,” said he

     “When I git threw my rush.”

“An’ then I’m goin’ to dig a well

     Close by the kitchen door

So we won’t hev to lug our drink

     A ha’f a mile or more.

I’m goin’ to dam my medder lot

     An’ put my ice in free;

No sense in buyin’ ice at all,”

     Said Halsey Simms to me.

“An’ then,” said he, “when I git time,

     I’m goin’ into the woods

An’ cut some timber fur a barn

     To hol’ my farmin’ goods.

The one I’ve got ain’t big enough,

     An’' when I git thet done

I’m goin’ to keep a dozen cows,

     Instid uv only one.”

An’ Halsey dreamed an’ talked by day,

     An’ planned an’ talked by night

About the things ‘at he would do

     Whenever time come right.

He’s talkin’ uv ‘em jest the same

     In Stokes’ store today;

But Halsey ain’t no differunt

     Frum people fur away!

______

A Puzzle to Bostonians

Apropos of the big celebration in honor of a certain discoverer, just closed, it seems mighty hard for some people to see why anybody should feel honored over the discovery of New York.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Care may hev killed the cat, but it is more likely she died from a lack uv it.”

______

All Over in a Minute

“One good turn deserves another,” said the sharp corner in the road to the automobile coming full speed ahead.

______

Cheerful Comment

“My final flight,” said Wilbur Wright.

Lay aside the pole! Meaning the fish pole, of course.

The politician’s in the crowd – cigars are smelling pretty loud.

Anyway, we’ll get enough of the north pole atmosphere before next March.

No, inasmuch as Harry Whitney wasn’t hunting for anything but game, he won’t lecture.

If you have got any extra advice about you, lend that instead of your money.

A friend of ours, just to be unkind, wonders if Orville and Wilbur ever get their derbies mixed.

______

The Difference

(Contributed.)

We know a lady of strong mind,

Who’s always earnest and refined;

And argues in a way polite,

That women all should have the right

To vote; on this she does persist –

She’s what they call a suffragist.

We know one who will break the law,

If thus she can attention draw;

And talk when she has no permit,

And smash things up or throw a fit.

Is she a lady? We regret

She’d rather be a suffragette.

     Dorchester.                     H. E. F.

_____

A Success

“How did you enjoy the play?”

“I thought the jokes in the program awfully funny.”

______

Bound to Go Up

Customer – Do you guarantee that this airship will rise?

Manufacturer – Well, we have taken care of that part of it; there’s a pair of “jacks” go with every machine.

______

Two Points of View

“O, John, don’t you think my new gown is a perfect dream?”

“I’ve had several nightmares wondering how I’m going to pay for it.”

____________

Oct. 8, 1909

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Bob White

Today I heard old “Bob White” call

     Across the barren plain,

Where yesterday there stood a field

     Of waving yellow grain.

In ecstasy I answered him

     As best I could: “Bob White”;

The back and forth across the wold

     We signaled our delight.

“Bob White” came nearer, nearer still,

     To seek his unseen mate;

Until in eagerness he perched

     Upon the garden gate.

“Bob White!” I whistled, “hither come,

     You have a friend in me!”;

But “Bob White,” on a frightened wing,

     Flew far across the lea.

*        *        *        *        *        *

“Bob White” has been my neighbor here

     These many, many years;

Did sportsmen love him e’en as I

     He need would have no fears.

Ah! Drear would be the autumn morn,

     And lone the country day

Were “Bob White’s” voice forever stilled,

     Were “Bob” to pass away.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“A good big woodpile is the best thing I know uv fur discouragin’ ol’ Jack Frost.”

______

Cheerful Comment

Balloonists after the Herald cup are getting warm.

To joy riding is added bottle throwing in Wellesley.

Beware of the man who says he has an aeroplane om his mind.

It seems like boldly tempting fate to wear a straw hat out so late.

Spain asks for 200,000 men to help carry on a war that was ended some time ago.

Mark Twain can’t see any joke in losing his daughter, even if her name is Gabrilowitsch.

Throwing a beer bottle through an undertaker’s window is a serious undertaking for the undertaker.

The number of cocktails per day that $3000 per month will buy depends, of course, upon the price per cocktail.

______

An Eskilied

“A little igloo now and then is relished by the Eskimen,” sings the Nashville Tennessean. A little whale oil, well frapped, is relished by the Eskimaid. – Washington Herald.

A little blubber, raw or biled, is relished by the Eskichild. – Cleveland Plain Dealer.

A little gumdrop from the store is relished by the Eskimore.

______

Internal Improvement

She bought peroxide, took it home,

     And hid it on the closet shelf;

Her husband in the night awoke

     To find a drink to calm himself.

*        *        *        *        *        *

And did it kill him instantly,

     Or place his health all help beyond?

Ah, no! It cleared his skin inside,

     And turned his liver to a blonde.

______

On Safe Ground

“I always have the feeling,” said the poet, enthusiastically, “as though I were on the verge of doing something great; of writing something that will startle the world!”

“As long as you feel that way, keeping it on the verge,” said his inconsiderate friend, “the world won’t have any cause to complain, and your own life is in no immediate danger.”

____________

Oct. 9, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Poet’s Dream

You tell me not to worry, sir,

     To be of goodly cheer;

You say to smile, and care beguile,

     To hope, but never fear.

You tell me to look up, not down,

     To sorrow ne’er allow;

You say to smile and care beguile,

     And keep a placid brow.

It is a happy thing to preach,

     A God-inspiring theme;

But at the best – excuse the jest –

     ‘Tis but a poet’s dream.

The man serene who sorrows not,

     Knows not of life a part;

He cannot know life’s ebb and flow,

     Without a wounded heart.

For months have I been out of work,

     My flesh has cried for bread;

Twice death has left our hearth bereft,

     Twice faith and hope lay dead.

And yet you bid me be of cheer,

     To lead the merry throng;

You bid me smile, and care beguile,

     And greet the morn with song.

To smile is good, to sing is good,

     It lights the gloomy day;

The heart can rise to meet the skies,

     When grief is laid away.

When chimneys smoke, when health is near,

     When larders grown and teem,

Then we can smile, and care beguile,

     And share the poet’s dream.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“It ain’t good fur man to be alone, but did you ever see an old bach’ who knew what wuz good fur him?”

______

Good Boys

“Young men are so selfish about not wanting to kiss their sisters more often.”

“On the other hand, they show a wondrously generous spirit toward their chums in turning all such pleasures over to them.”

______

Uncle Ezra at the Fair

Yes, your Uncle Ez’ took in the Brockton Fair and both sides got it. They say that Brockton-made shoes last. On my sole, I hope they give more lasting satisfaction than does a Brockton-made fair, although I don’t want to be unfair in my criticism. Hereafter, however, I am strong for the small fair; the smaller the fairer. A 10-cent roast is cheaper than a $10 one, and more easily digested. In connection with trying to get a square meal, and a square deal at the same time, here is an inland seashore problem: If a near-clam chowder, containing one clam, is worth 30 cents, how much is one worth that never submerged a clam? Another problem, this time from the apiary: If a junk of chewing candy, undressed, is worth five cents, how much is it worth covered with hornets and honey bees? Honey in and around Brockton ought to be cheap by and by, unless the candy venders charge up for their losses to the bee owners.

I surrendered a nickel for a glass of real Kentucky sweet cider. I took one sip! That was enough and to spare. I take off my hat to the manufacturers of Kentucky cider; it tasted like sour beer out of a kerosene barrel. The less said about “Fakirs’ Row,” with its “Gay Paree,” games of chance and other monstrosities, the better. I blush for them. The fat lady was too thin to be seen. “That Girl Sadie” was a husky chap, decorated for the occasion, and the horrible growls supposed to emerge from “Sadie” and a neighboring jungle freak were furnished by monstrous horse-fiddles underneath their enclosures. But they go merrily on, because no one is going to own up to be “sold” till he gets away from the fair grounds.

The balloon ascensions were of a high order. The races were enjoyed by all nationalities, and the stock was really worth dealing in. One of the most solid and genuine exhibits was the Governor and his staff, some of whom enjoyed the rhythmic heel and toe work of the “Beautiful Orient” and “Gay Paree” while the Governor’s back was turned.

______

Lost Youth

I would not sing of my lost youth,

     As merrily I wend along;

I could not, for, in very truth,

     ‘Tis not a subject fit for song.

When youth has fled, the comedy

     Of life has disappeared, forsooth;

A dirge runs through the melody –

     I would not sing of my lost youth!

______

Cheerful Comment

About once in so often the Black shows its Hand.

Quite an “engaging” subject, this Elkins-Abruzzi affair.

The political microbe is attacking the whole Bryan family.

If Sanford of the H. G. and U. Society has received $250,000, why can’t he be contented with his job?

It is somewhat comforting to the nerves to know there will be no disastrous war between the Reds and Blues next year,

“How old is a painting?” asks a headline. Don’t bother us; we haven’t got through the “Ann” problem yet.

A new cult has been established called “The Leisureists.” If any one has any literature on the subject, will they kindly forward it to this department.

____________

Oct. 10, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

What We’ve Got

Our house is in an awful mess,

     ‘Cuz ev’rybod’s sick,

An’ things will be worse yet unless

     A change comes pretty quick.

The baby’s got the whoopin’ cough,

     An’ brother’s got the mumps;

My mother’s down with achin’ teeth,

     An’ grammy’s got the dumps.

My grampy’s got the roomertiz

     An’ sister’s got the blues;

I ain’t got much of anything,

     Exceptin’, “What’s the use?”

My aunt that’s visitin’ us has got

     What father calls “the grout,”

What’s that you say? “What’s father got?”

O, father he’s got out.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Ef you put off till termorrer somethin’ allus turns up unexpected.”

______

Result in Doubt

“Just one kiss,” he pleaded, “only one.”

“No,” she replied heroically, “it isn’t right to kiss till one is engaged.”

“Then I’ll engage you for one.”

______

Soaring

 The aviator soared on high, till he was far up in the sky, and he was happy as he soared, and people clapped and whistles roared, and like a bird he rose and fell, while in his bosom pride did swell. How proud he was to soar and soar behind his motor s’ buzz and roar, but, O, the soreness he’d have borne in case his soarer hadn’t soarn!

______

Lacking Somewhere

Buttons are plenty, and thread is cheap,

     Yet bachelors look forlorn,

Because they lack the skill or the knack

     Or woman to sew them on.

______

Helping Hubby Out

“Your wife seems to be wonderfully interested in your business; must be a source of great satisfaction to you.”

Yes, indeed; do you know I used to think she cared nothing about it?”

“Why the change?”

“I don’t know; that’s the funny part of it. I can’t imagine what has changed her. A few nights ago I went home, tired most to death, and during the evening I casually remarked: ‘Iole, my business is getting much too much for me to handle; I am thinking of employing a nice, steady stenographer and typewriter. Don’t you think it would be a good idea?’ From that moment the good, little woman has been extremely anxious to assist me and make my lot easier in every way. I suppose it’s her naturally sympathetic nature; it must be.”

______

Country Dreams

(Reprinted by request from the “Grave to Gay” column in the Buffalo Evening News, Sept. 9, 1909.)

I love the river’s quiet flow,

     Its soft and grassy brink;

I love to go where flowers grow,

     Where I can lie and think.

I love the honest country folk,

     Where truth is held most high;

I love to go amongst them so,

     Where I can think and lie.

______

The Subject of Sticks

A correspondent writes in to ask why there are not more canes worn in Boston. We have noted, with sadness, the absence of sticks on the streets of our dignified and aristocratic city. It seems too bad, really, that Boston should be so far behind her sister cities in the cane-wearing habit. All the western towns of prominence fairly bristle with swinging sticks, and New York? Don’t say a word! Nearly every other proper citizen of Gotham dangles his cherished cane. Why Boston is so pronouncedly caneless there’s a reason; there always is. There are, in fact, several reasons, one of the minor ones being that Boston is extremely domestic. She has a large percentage of married men who are given over to carrying bundles rather than canes. The principle reason, however, dates back to the beginning of things here, to the time when the four-footed landscape gardener drew her plans. It’s all in the layout. Any one who has tried it knows that on most of our streets there isn’t room enough to swing a stick as a stick ought to be swung. An occasional cane is seen here, but it is either hung on its wearer’s arm or wrapped snuggly inside his coat in order to make room for the passer-by.

______

Try It

A little nonsense

     Then and now,

Drives wrinkles from the

     Sad man’s brow.

______

Cheerful Comment

New York is now suffering from acute reaction.

Frequent acts of the English suffragettes are the best arguments against suffrage.

And still, life may be worth living, after a little; the “O you – ” business is slowly dying.

Here’s hoping the author of “Peter Pan” isn’t stepping out of the frying pan into the fire.

At one time you wouldn’t have thought the Cook-Peary affair would ever dwindle down to an eighth of a column.

Divorce getting into the ranks of the authors as well as actors? If we are to keep posted some one will have to publish a year book on “who’s who in divorceland.”

____________

Oct. 11, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Lady in White

The lady in white passed by our house,

     And a fairy princess she;

I waved my hand in a manner grand,

     And she? Ah! She answered me!

The lady in white passed quickly by,

     And then was lost to my sight;

And the skies grew dull, and my heart was full,

     For I love the lady in white.

Each day the lady in white has passed,

     Till I know her every move;

And, Oh, I have sought, in manner and thought,

     My veriest love to prove.

But the lady in white ignores my suit,

     And what can a poor man do?

She cannot judge yet, for I am a vet,

     And she is but half past two!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“On’y the brave deserve the fare, an’ they are mighty lucky ef they git half-fare.”

______

Love the Wonderful

“Love must have a wonderful sense of direction.”

“How so?”

“Well, they say ‘love is blind,’ and also that ‘love will find a way’,”

______

The Gold Bug

Every time we make up our mind that there is no such thing as pirate gold buried hither and yon, something occurs to change our belief and to get us all on edge again. The recent severe storm along the coast of Yucatan is said to have uncovered thousands of last century English and Spanish coins buried by the old pirate Lafitte, and again into our soul comes that old boyhood unrest and belief that if we started out with a proper digging outfit and reliable map we could unearth treasure galore. When people find a pot of gold why in the name of Capt. Kidd can’t they keep still about it and let us ‘tend to our blissful knitting?

______

Going Up

Amundsen’s going to harness bears

     To draw him to the pole;

This is a throw-down for the dog,

     Poor man-befriending soul!

Why Cap’ Amundsen chooses bears

     Can’t fathom, we declare,

Unless to have them climb the pole

     And spike the colors there.

______

Two Ways of Making It

Hank Stubbs – I tell you, it’s purty serious bizniz making counterfeit money.

Bige Miller – Waal, t’ain’t no wuzz’n makin’ money counterfeit.

______

Cheerful Comment

Love the Indian for his summer.

Parson Taft would make a great preacher.

Wouldn’t some hot dogs gone great at the pole?

Some of the stogie haze has moved over to Detroit.

King Edward sticks to his cane, having added 23 to his already large collection.

Any one is safe in saying, “flies must go.” The same thing applies to thin underwear.

Admirers of Dr. Cook are glad he didn’t stay in Milwaukee any longer than was necessary.

Doesn’t it sound funny to hear a Chicago man criticizing Maine for not being just what he thinks she should be?

For a modest young man who isn’t inclined toward sporting, Orville, the brother of Wilbur, has been going some.

______

Who’s Who?

“Supposing that I were you;

     Supposing that you were me;

Supposing that each were someone else,

     I wonder who we would be?”

                                                 – (?)

______

The Next Chapter

“They say they have got a little machine that makes kissing absolutely safe.”

“And still, it depends altogether on whom you are kissing.”

____________

Oct. 12, 1909

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

His Way

Please do not mind should he rave and swear,

Or pummel your face, or pull your hair,

     It is only his way.

Don’t mind if he treads on your aching toes,

Or biffs you good on the end of your nose;

E’en let him spoil your best suit of clothes,

     It is only his way.

Don’t mind if he snubs you whenever he can,

He’s such a peculiar, original man,

     It is only his way.

If he borrows a five, or maybe a ten,

And never can think to pay you again,

Don’t think it is strange and bother him when

     It is only his way.

If he helps himself to your choice supplies,

Don’t grumble and show a blank surprise,

     It is only his way.

If he beats you, insults you and knocks you down,

Just smile, don’t trouble him with a frown;

Remember, he’s a man of renown,

     And it’s only his way.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Don’t ever brag uv your fish ontil you know whether your wife wants to cook it or not.”

______

Lo, the Poor Scalper

Isn’t it awful how our happy little beliefs become shattered from time to time? Here we have been thinking all these blissful years that the American Indian was dying off and would sooner or later become wholly extinct, and now comes the information that he is increasing in numbers. If this is true, which it is, what is to be done with the old household motto about “the only good Indian”?

______

Purely Personal

The goose that lays the golden egg

     Is sought by legions on their knees;

I often wonder as I stray

If that is why, from day to day,

     One sees so many, many geese?

______

Cheerful Comment

Fall cleaned your igloo yet?

What’s in a name? Well, George Dewey made a clean sweep.

Are you going to take Miss Innocence, Jr., to see “Miss Innocence, Sr.?”

The worst thing about “hearty applause” is, that you can’t distinguish it from “hearty joshing.”

“In some parts of New England there are cookery schools for boys.” Are those wily English suffragettes behind the scheme?

It is a serious business sometimes mistaking a woman for a deer, but it doesn’t usually result in the number of fatalities that attends mistaking a man for the same.

______

Smoking and Puffing

My husband sits at night and puffs

     The strong old pipe of ancient smell;

But what care I? I seek the store

Where puffs are sold and buy some more –

     Why shouldn’t women puff as well?

______

October

October! Liquid gold of the year,

     Poured from the palette of the sun

            On June’s green glories jaded;

     Thou showest how beauty brief is done –

            Thou teachest how glory quick is faded –

Thou preaches how time is damaged here.

October! Potable wine of the sphere,

     Distilled in Zeus’ beautiful bowl;

            Thou  makest sense drunk with drinking,

     Yet how sober thou leavest the soul

            ‘Mid beauty and glory made lonely, thinking,

How all, but itself, is a shadow here!

     Somerville.         H. A. KENDALL.

____________

Oct. 13, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Brain Food at Last

(Wooster, O., pigs, being fed brain food by the Agricultural Station, in 60 days developed big brains, and instead of wallowing in the mud, gamboled like lambs. They also stopped grunting and gorging themselves. – News)

Brain food at last has done the trick and is a big success,

And through the land of pork and swine comes grunts of happiness;

No longer will the poor old pig lie round in ignorance,

But, like his brother animal, is going to have a chance.

He may be taught to “point” and “set,” run rabbits to their holes,

He may be taught to draw explorers to the different poles;

He may perform upon the wire, or do a vaudeville jig,

And soon we’ll all vie to applaud the educated pig!

Long years we’ve sought the finny tribe thus to enhance our brain,

But fish are very slow to bite, the anglers so complain;

And we have not advanced as fast as oft we think we ought,

Perhaps because the wary fish objects to being caught.

But Wooster, O., comes to the front with fodder that will make

A little brain expand to one that’s going to take the cake;

And if it does the trick for pigs, why won’t it do the same

For each and every one of us whose brain is halt and lame?

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Sometimes the best way uv sayin’ the right thing at the right time is by keepin’ perfec’ly still.”

______

Embarrassing

“Does anything cause a woman quite so much embarrassment as to have her garter break when she’s out calling?” – Detroit Free Press. Don’t know; not being a woman and never having a garter break we can’t answer your question. In passing we might remark that it would probably depend a good deal on whom the woman was calling.

______

Morning Talk

“I can’t get those two explorers out of my mind.”

“I suppose you’re strong for one or the other?”

“No. I feel kindly toward both of them. Every time I look at the icy radiator in my office I think what an awful time they, too, had in the arctic regions.”

______

A Remarkable Development

“My husband is better to me now than he was even before we were married.”

“How remarkable! Have the years changed him so?”

“No, I have changed him; he is actually afraid to be otherwise.”

______

Street Primer

Behold the first piece of pumpkin Pie!

How dark and brown and Healthy it looks. It is Deep, too, and shows considerable class. No, it isn’t like mother used to make, because everything has changed. The appetite of the Old Days was the real thing; the appetite of Today is only a Think appetite. The sight of a little food drives the Think appetite to the Ropes, where it is soon counted out.

A piece of cheese accompanies the Pie as a body guard. The Pie is safe in the company of the Cheese because the cheese is active and strong. Pumpkin pie is a forerunner of winter; let it come. Also another piece of Pie!

(P.S. – A young and willing piece of Pie should never be turned down. If you can’t Do anything for it perhaps your next-door neighbor can. If one piece of Pie will produce a crop of Indigestion, how many are willing to let others do the Farming?)

______

From Limericktown

(Contributed.)

A maiden from old Tenne-C

Was sweetly demure as could B;

     When her beau did propose

     She turned red as a rose,

And timidly murmured, “O, G!”

                                      – EPH KAY

____________

Oct. 14, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

When Father Goes to Shoot

October’s here, the law is off

     From all the kinds of game,

And ev’ry year about this time

     Pa guns it for the same.

It takes him ‘bout a week or so

     To fix things up to suit;

An’ when the fatal mornin’ comes

     He sallies forth to shoot.

I’ve wanted pa to buy a gun

     For me, but he says, “No”;

He says it’s fun enough for me

     To follow him, an’ so

When he starts out I tag behind

     To carry all the loot;

It is an awful day for me

     When father goes to shoot.

If he would only GIT some game

     I wouldn’t care a bit;

If he would shoot a hundred pounds

     I’d lug the hull of it.

But Lawd! This trampin’ round all day

     For nothin’ doesn’t suit;

I allus dread the time to come

     When father goes to shoot.

He stomps around the underbrush

     An’ looks up in each tree,

An’ when he don’t see any game

     He blames it on to me.

“Hang boys!” says he, “fur scarin’ game,

     They’d orter git the boot”;

Oh, pa is loaded up for bear

     When he goes out to shoot.

Pa gits back home mus’ tired to death,

     An’ cross as he kin be;

“Ain’t supper ready? I am starved!”

     He says to ma, says he.

“O yes,” says ma, I thought you’d like

     Some game; cooked up to suit;

“Ol’ Tabby fetched a rabbit in

     While you was off to shoot.”

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“The may be wuth the candle, but ‘tain’t very often it’s wuth the powder.”

______

Matrimonial Note:

Miss Dottie Kicksley, the charming young heiress-soubrette now playing in the “Jolly Kittens Burlesque Company,” is to marry the ricj young comedian, Dick Cigarello, of the same organization. Both of these young favorites are immensely rich (in stage money) in their own rights.

______

Cheerful Comment

Isn’t there a shorter and easier word than “Suffragette”?

We wish love would find a way to settle the pole controversy.

It looks as though the Wrights weren’t going to allow any one else to fly.

Sir Thomas leaves London Saturday for New York. He is leaving his crowbar behind this time.

Food for thought in that heading of yesterday: “Pa. woman wanted to see her husband hang.”

Taft’s pajamas held up for $7.50, says a newspaper. Gee! Don’t presidential suspenders come high?

______

Disappointing

“Wife, wife!” he shouted in the middle of the night, “I believe I have swallowed my false teeth!”

“Isn’t that always the way with a man,” snapped the good wife, “and I was planning to have steak for breakfast.”

______

Trying to Speak the Truth

Minister – Now that the summer pleasures are over I hope you’ll come to church again.

Babson – Yes, sir, they do say that contrasts are good for anybody.

____________

Oct. 15, 1909

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Business is Business

The barber likes to shave you

     To add unto his mite;

The swimmer likes to save you

     To get a medal bright.

The agent likes to sell you

     To make a dollar note;

The speaker likes to tell you

     The way you ought to vote.

The surgeon likes to bleed you

     Because ‘twill do you good;

The lunch man likes to feed you

     To get rid of his food.

The footpad likes to plug you

     To make his job complete;

The copper likes to jug you

     To show he’s on the beat.

The fakir likes to lure you,

     You are his only grist;

The doctor likes to cure you

     To raise his batting list.

The tailor likes to ha’nt you

     If him perchance you owe;

The undertaker plant you

     To see his harvest grow.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Ef Burbank is to take the stingers out uv all the bees ha’f the fun in watchin’ the summer boarders id goin’ to be lost.

______

New York Pie

A leading baker of New York city says that pie making is an art. How glad we are he didn’t say it was a lost art! However, if he had said that pie making in New York was a lost art he would have been running pretty nearly along the line of truth. Pie making is indeed an art, Mr. Baker, and we simply rise to remark that New England is thickly populated with artists.

______

Cheerful Comment

The baseball dies hard.

The curtain is about to go up on amateur plays.

Anyway, the fellows who went to Pittsburg saved something on their tobacco.

Not many farmers can make money from a stone accidentally dropped on the farm.

Good thing Columbus discovered America before discoverers got to be so many.

It might be an opportune time for the author of “When a Man’s Single” to give the book a second reading.

Detroit is another matter, but how can the world keep its eyes on Pittsburgh, and what would it avail if it did?

The woman who says she is glad the baseball season is over doubtless has her reasons. She may need a quarter now and then for household necessities.

____________

Oct. 16, 1909

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

A Good Customer

If you have got something to sell

     Just bring it round to me;

I am the easiest old fish

     That ever you did see.

I bite at anything that drops

     Beneath my waiting nose;

And anglers wait outside my door

     In long and patient rows.

The nursery man, the lightning rod,

     The man with mining stocks;

The journal club, the patent churn,

     The man who peddles clocks.

The man who deals in farming tools,

     The shark in real estate;

Book agents, patent medicines,

     All come within my gate.

If you have got some goods to sell

     No matter what they be,

Please do not pass my house without

     I have a chance to see.

Can’t bear to think that any one

     Would pass without a call;

I’ve got the buying habit now,

     And want to buy it all.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“The crowd allus goes where the crowd is.”

______

A Hero

“I saw a remarkable demonstration of courage and fortitude this morning.”

“Some one rescued from a fire?”

“More notable than that, even; a man passed a prepossessing looking woman on the street and never turned to look after her.”

______

Pavement Philosophy

Even a box of matches strikes out.

The midnight oil is expensive fuel.

The cup that cheers also brings tears.

It is only the idle who have time to be discouraged.

Folks are never as black as they’re painted; they’re either more so or less.

People usually are more willing to pay the fiddler if he has played up to time.

Care may have killed a cat, in which case, of course, the cat doesn’t care.

It’s a long road that has no turn that will turtle a speeding automobile.

Cream always rises to the top; that is true, but it isn’t always the most deserving who get it.

The reason some widows are willing to try marriage a second time is because they believe the second couldn’t be any worse than the first, anyway.

______

A Double Hold

Miss Moonlite – Er – let me hold the reins, please.

Mr. Bashphul – What will I do, then?

Miss Moonlite – You might hold the holder of the reins.

______

Just Like a Man

The “Chronic Growler,” instead of thanking heaven that he has coal, kicks all winter long because he has to lug it up stairs.

______

An Appeal for Mint

The Bentztown Bard he daily sings in his poetic print

About the dreamy lusciousness of something known as “mint”;

And Stanton, way down Georgia way, he poetizes, too,

About this wondrous beverage so like the heav’nly dew.

We northerners don’t know what mint is like – this is no bluff –

And we have waited long in hopes they’d send us up some stuff;

The only thing we know up here is just plain peppermint,

Which is not nice, and so we hope these bards will take the hint.

____________

October 17, 1909

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Politis

They want to take from him the pole,

     And also Mt. McKinley;

Their motives are, upon my soul,

     But covered up too thinly.

They want to rob him of his fame

     At home or in the Arctic;

They would destroy his honest name

     In doses most cathartic.

But he looks upon his enemies

     With eyes akin to pity;

While honor easily is his

     In every town and city.

They try to drive him in the hole,

     But he just keeps a-growing;

Whether or not he’s got the pole

     He sure has got them going.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“You can’t git somethin’ fur nothin’, even out uv yourself.”

______

Hard Usage

“I have got to that stage of life where all I can say is: ‘What’s the use?’”

“How now?”

“Well, I hired a private detective to watch my wife and first thing I knew they had fallen in love with each other and eloped.”

______

Fall Bliss

Jest a jug uv new fall cider, an’ a fishin’ pole, I say,

Is the greatest combination you will find abroad today;

Then an ol’ flat-bottomed rowboat, an’ a crick uv windin’ blue

Where the fish are jest a-layin’ makin’ faces up at you!

No, you couldn’t find a pleasure in the world to equal that,

With the autumn sun a-shinin’ on your ol’ deflated hat;

With a pole that’s bendin’ over, an’ a cork thet bobs an’ sinks,

An’ jest fish enough to bother you between the luscious drinks!

______

Cheerful Comment

Speed the big Y. M. C. A. clock!

Big year for crops, freaks and fakes.

To the Smithsonian Institution belong the spoils.

Think twice and look three times before you pull the trigger.

Chickens have always come home to roost, and Cranes do occasionally.

Barrill may be a good guide for Mt. McKinley, but for other things –

But he can’t say about the new meteor, “Something from the old world, gentlemen!”

You can never tell what is going to happen in baseball, football and terrestrial ball expeditions.

That old idea about genius and poverty strikes a false note occasionally. Late Bandmaster Baldwin made music and money at the same time.

______

The Pie Famine

Lock up your pantries, neighbors all,

     An’ peel your weather eye;

The Gotham bakers they have struck,

     New York is out for pie!

New England housewives all beware,

     Keep we’pins handy by;

New Yorkers will not tolerate

     A scarcity of pie.

Fair means or foul, they’re going to have

     A “cut” twice ev’ry day;

They may send agents to your homes

     To get your pie away.

But all your husbands and your sons

     You must indeed supply;

Don’t put ‘em on the steps to cool,

     New York is out for pie!

______

Getting There

Boy – My friends advised me to come to see you about my future.

Financier – Why to me?

Boy – Because you have made good and own this big business.

Financier – Well, what can I do for you?

Boy – You can put me right, see? Do you need first-class help?

Financier – Sometimes.

Boy – What’s the chance of my getting to the top here?

Financier – A1.

Boy – How long before I could own a business like this?

Financier – In a very short time; with your speed, I should say in about two years.

Boy – Just one more question. I don’t have to start at the bottom, do I?

Financier – O, no; I should say you ought to be jumped over most of them.

Boy – Then I guess I’ll let you hire me.

______

Modesty

I would not ask for an aeroplane,

     And up to the clouds go merrily flying;

I do not strive for the whole world’s gain

     I am just content with a little trying.

I would not be a great pugilist,

     A baseball twirler, or Marathon sprinter;

All I would ask is an office room

     That is cool for summer and warm for winter.

______

Time to Burn

Hank Stubbs – Kirt’ Lamson says how as the world owes him a livin’.

Bige Miller – They’s no reason why he shouldn’t git it, he spends all his time collectin’.

______

Off with the Old

Man wants but little here below,

       Upon this cold, old sphere mundane;

The poor old earth will stand no show

       Now that he has an aeroplane.

____________

Oct. 18, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Dining Out

“O, no, I don’t use sugar, please,

     It hurts me, so the doctors say;

And butter is so fattening,

     I mustn’t use it, anyway.

Hot biscuits? O, thank you, no,

     My stomach is not strong, you see;

And cake? O, my, I must refuse,

     You know it never did agree.”

“That lamb, ah, me! It looks so good,

     But doctor says I oughtn’t to;

And pie? O, my! Home-made, I see,

     But it would never, never do.

O, well, perhaps, then, just this once,

     I’ll try them all, though I shall pay.”

And this good woman, bless her soul,

     Goes through this rigmarole each day.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Perhaps the best way out uv it would be to send a third party an’ hev the pole rediscovered.”

______

Cheerful Comment

One by one the lecturers appear.

Things are brightened up considerably in Pittsburg.

Matt Henson should have begun outside the enemy’s lines.

It is too bad to change from “C. Q. D.” to “S. O. S.,” but it doesn’t matter as long as it gets there.

There is evidence enough on the front page of most any daily paper to convince the most skeptical that fooling with the fates doesn’t pay.

______

Good Fishing

There are as good fish in the ocean

     As ever were caught;

And just as good fish in the market

     As ever were bought.

And now the question arises,

     Quite puzzling to me,

Do you catch yours in the market

     Or out of the sea?

______

The Make Believe and the Real

The soubrette in the foremost row, how dainty sweet is she! with all the tinsel and the show, and fluffy filigree. And when upon the stage she eats, or sips the almost-wine; we in the near orchestra seats, say, “dainty and divine!” But, say, if you just want to see an appetite that’s gaunt, come see her eat, some day with me, down in the restaurant!

______

How To Know

(Contributed.)

They now attempt to show a plan

     (And from his writings quote)

To prove that Shakespeare’s not the man

     Who Shakespeare dramas wrote.

They say that if you study well,

     And do some skipping round,

You can the name of Bacon spell –

     The author has been found.

Well, here’s the map of arctic land,

     With names you can’t pronounce;

You have the data now at hand

     To on the right one pounce.

Go at the problem the same way,

     With care what you’re about;

Don’t wait for scientists to say,

     Just trace the winner out.

  Dorchester                    – H. E. F.

______

Easy to Get

Wayside Watkins – W’ot would you recommend for dis new fad dey calls “sleepin’ sickness”?

Hungry Hobson – Sleep.

______

Bad Either Way

“Don’t you think there was a method in his madness?”

“Not so much as there was madness in his method.”

______

Good Staying Qualities

Agent – There’s money in good farms.

Newfarmer – Yes, there’s good money in mine, and I wish I could get it out.

______

Saving Time and Money

“Her hair turned light in a single night.”

“That’s a good deal better than putting in six months at it, as some do.”

____________

Oct. 19, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Dreary Days

Dreary days of “Lizard Crick,”

     Now the summer’s come an’ gone;

Wind a-whistlin’ down the “reach”

     Makes a feller feel forlorn.

Leaves hev tumbled frum the trees,

     Reeds hev died an’ fallen down;

Boats turned downward on the bank,

     Medder grasses dead an’ brown.

Wouldn’t mind the grass nur leaves,

     Nur the tangled, dyin’ mess,

Medder oats an’ lily pads,

     But it’s – well, the lonesomeness!

All the logs are bleak an’ bare,

     Ain’t no turkles out in sight;

Ain’t no social bullfrogs now

     Talkin’ ‘crost the Crick at night.

Seems like ev’rything is gone,

     Singin’ birds an’ honey bees;

An’ a murmur uv complaint

     Sounds amongst the waving trees.

Dreary days when winter drives

     All the frogs an’ turkles in;

An’ a feller jest feels blue

     Till they came aroun’ ag’in.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Time works wonders; by keepin’ at it you may ketch up with time some day.”

______

Women Ushers

Oscar Hammerstein has advertised for women ushers for his new opera house. The first requirement is that they must be six feet tall and over.  Here is another instance showing Boston’s civilization as compared with strenuous Gotham. Boston has long had woman ushers, of only ordinary proportions, and it is yet to be recorded that they have been unable to perform their duties. But, as has been said before, Boston isn’t New York.

______

Cheerful Comment

But you see, The New Theatre won’t be very long “new.”

“Fifteen thousand pray for Chicago.” Good, but it’s not enough.

How do the pictures of the new winter coat make you feel, tired or poor?

Moose that stand in the way of impatient automobiles must expect to be shot – or run down.

Our pessimistic friend is wondering if the suffragettes will don war paint or just the same old brand.

Thinking over some of the poetry, written by ourselves, as well as others, and the much dreaded article known as the waste basket, we conclude that it isn’t.

Don’t come home at two in the morning and say that you have been on a long expedition to your office, working overtime, unless you bring your proofs back with you.

______

Aeronautics

If it is true that a few hundred feet above the earth a snowstorm was falling upward instead of downward, why wouldn’t it be probable that any one falling out of a balloon would go in the same direction?

______

October Gossip

“I’m just between hay and grass on that new deal of mine, and if I hesitate much longer I’m afraid I’ll have cold feet.”

“Well, I’m just between the gas range and the furnace, and I know for a fact that I’m about frozen stiff.”

______

Exercise

Now baseball’s dead,

     How will the fan

Still use the voice

     That led the van?

It will not rust,

     You bet your life;

He’ll practice now

     Upon his wife.

____________

Oct. 20, 1909

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Home-Made

It ain’t becuz I’m hungry,

     I git enough to eat,

But ev’ry day I hanker

     To hev a little treat.

It comes on ev’ry winter,

     Or, ruther, early fall,

An’ lasts till, well, I’ve hed it,

     Afore it goes at all.

Can’t git it in the city,

     The same ez on the farm;

The so-called home-made fodder

     Hain’t got no country charm.

‘Tain’t pie nor cake I’m after,

     Nur puddin’, by the way,

I want some home-made sausage

     To cheer me up today.

I want some home-made sausage

     Like mother used to chop;

An’ I hev got to hev it

     Afore this ache will stop.

The good ol’ juicy sausage

     From home-fed pigs an’ fruit;

Hain’t nothin’ else jest like it,

     Hain’t nothin’ else will suit.

Give me the home-made fodder,

     Give me the home-made soul;

It’s always satisfyin’,

     An’ fills a gapin’ hole.

It’s got the stuff right in it,

     It’s taste is boun’ to tell;

Give me some home-made sausage

     An’ some home-made folks ez well.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“You haint doin’ a good bizniz onless you’re doin’ bizniz good.”

______

Cheerful Comment

The word “avidity” is becoming quite prevalent.

Looks like Maine would have to take her potatoes out of cold storage.

“Beauty hints” coming from a natural beauty don’t go much below the surface.

It looks as though Guide Barrill’s next expedition might be to darkness celldom.

Mrs. Ruth Bryan Leavitt is to be a singer. We have never had a great vocalist at the White House.

The Spaniards keep fighting and winning and winning and fighting; there’s always Moor to follow.

______

On Exhibition

A “sight seeing” automobile was stalled at the corner of Boylston and Washington streets yesterday. About 500 were “looking” at it.

______

Obeying the Call

When the big league stars get back to their firesides and settle down for the winter, and their wives want them to lug up a hod of coal, do you suppose they will at once proceed to “play ball?”

______

Fully Explained

“Why does the average woman always remove her apron when the door bell rings?” – Detroit Free Press. Because it is easier than putting another dress over it.

______

“Man Wants but Little”

I do not yearn for polar lore,

     Or what they do on Mars,

But O, I’ve pondered o’er and o’er

The reason why they don’t run more

     “Spring Hill and Subway” cars.

I do not want the world’s rich store,

     Nor do I seek the stars,

But joy would thrill me to the core

If they’d put on a couple more

     “Spring Hill and Subway” cars.

______

Diplomacy

(Contributed.)

(Mr. Crane has been recalled from the Chinese Ministry. – News.)

If you would be a diplomat,

     To foreign countries go,

You must be careful “where you’re at”

     And not tell all you know.

If a reporter seeks you out,

     Give him a “happy hand,”

With myst’ry wrap yourself about

     And then walk with smile that’s bland.

Discuss the crops, or football news,

     Be urbane and polite,

But when he asks your foreign views

     Just keep your mouth shut tight.

From these directions do not part,

     Else interviews decline;

Or you’ll receive before you start

     Request that you resign.

     Dorchester                          H. E. F.

____________

Oct. 21, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Hiram Green’s Setters

“Just think uv it,” said Hiram Green,

     In Jones’ store today,

“Good hen s’ aigs wuth four cents apiece,

     An’ won’t a durn hen lay.

Ef that won’t make a feller mad

     They’s nothin’ will, I swun;

I’ve done my best to make ‘em lay –

     Can’t git a single one.”

“They ain’t no reason in the world

     They shouldn’t lay right now,

Instid uv when they cost a cent

     Apiece or less, I vow!

They’re fed the same an’ housed the same,

     An’ hev the same good care,

But there they set round in the sun

     All day an’ wait fur fare.”

Bill Jones, the grocer man, spoke up –

     An’ Bill wuz allus dry –

“You say they set around all day,

     An’ don’t do nothin’, Hi?

No wonder you don’t get no aigs,

     You couldn’t ‘spect to get;

How kin a hen ‘lay’ anyway

     When all she does is ‘set’?”

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“The autymobile won’t never put the hoss out uv bizniz onless it hap’ns to ketch the hoss where he can’t dodge.”

______

Cheerful Comment

President Taft a “Pony Boy!”

Even the fever was afraid to tackle him.

It is gradually developing into “What paper, sir?”

It remains for the antis to produce proofs that Cook hasn’t his.

Did you ever see a weather report that didn’t hand out, “Variable winds?”

How unfortunate it wasn’t discovered in time to have a few thousands of different kinds of cold summer drinks named after it.

Darwinites will be interested in this story that comes from New Haven telling how Amazon explorers ate monkeys for a period of three weeks.

What a fortunate thing the big Y. M. C. A. fund is being raised just about the time they are trying to raise something else in politics.

______

Result Not Obtained

When that advertisement, “Literature and Novels,” appeared in a local book store quite a few Boston novelists casually dropped into the place to see if any of their books were on sale.

______

Our Lucky Age

“Speaking of the Wright brothers, it’s a good thing for people who like to travel by water that Fulton lived a good many years ago.”

“Why that?”

“He would undoubtedly be trying to get an injunction on all the boats afloat.”

______

Passer Partakes

“Passer looks more seedy than he used to.”

“There’s a reason.”

“You mean grape –”

“Juice.”

____________

Oct. 22, 1909

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Jack Frost

Jack Frost is sneakin’ round us,

     All ready for the fray;

He comes out in the ev’nin’,

     But hides behind the day.

He’s got his pinchers with him,

     An’ they are sharp an’ new;

He’s tryin’ uv his durndest

     To git a whack at you.

     Jack Frost, Jack Frost,

       Do not be so bold;

     Jack Frost, Jack Frost

       Keep away your cold.

     Daddy wants to farm it,

       Mammy wants to scold;

     Jack Frost, Jack Frost,

       Keep away your cold

He’s pryin’ round the winders,

     He’s on the kitchen floor;

He’s in amongst the jellies,

     Behind the pantry door.

He’s waiting with his we’pins

     Wherever mortal goes;

He’s bitin’ uv your fingers,

     He’s dancin’ on your nose.

     Jack Frost, Jack Frost,

       Leave us for a while;

     Jack Frost, Jack Frost

       Keep beyend the stile.

     Maidens wanter linger

       By the garden patch;

     Jack Frost, Jack Frost,

       Don’t break up a match.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“It’s all right to say “cheer up,” but do somethin’ to push it along.”

______

Cheerful Comment

“How Roosevelt killed a lion” – shot it.

Mrs. Pankhurst doesn’t look the “eat ‘em alive” kind.

No one would fall in love with the picture of a woman golfer in action.

“Full for 1915,” writes a local editor. My, but he’s beginning to celebrate early!

President Taft will be invited to fly in an airship in Georgia. A heavier than air machine, at that.

It is nearly time to dust off your left-over Christmas presents for the annual “trade.”

Earthquakes are getting busy again, but they are a long way from unshakable Boston. Still, we have our politicians, just the same.

Charles M. Schlatter, the self-termed “Divine Healer,” died penniless. This news cures us of the idea of taking up “healing” as a profession. Nothing like the old job, after all,

______

A Whisker Farmer

Judge E. P. Gates of Curryville, Mo., is the proud owner of a 72-inch beard, and is called the champion whisker raiser of the West. No doubt but that the judge takes great pride in his tremendous crop of whiskers, but one cannot help feeling that there is a certain amount of waste energy and time connected with this fad of his. It takes a long time to grow 72 inches of whiskers, Some of us couldn’t do it in a lifetime. Now that the judge has won out, and has ready for the harvest a full crop of such, what good is it to him, really? If he had spent all this time and patience in raising crops of legitimate spinach or even common herd’s grass and clover, he might have turned his efforts into good money. But no, he fools away his time raising something that stock won’t eat and has little or no market value. How can a man be a judge and be so unwise?

____________

Oct. 23, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Youth Has Not All

(A Sonnet to S. E. C.)

Youth has not all; the rip’ning year reveals

      A resting place along the calm highway

      Where flowers bloom tomorrow and today;

Where ‘neath the shade, the god of slumber steals,

In answer to the Pilgrim’s mute appeals.

      No stress, no strain is ever sanctioned here

      No sound save music to the list’ning ear,

No sight save what the golden west reveals.

Youth is aflame with hope, and with that hope

      Must be the endless strain that youthhood knows,

      The crowning pleasures interspersed with woes,

The strife with which the pilgrim cannot cope.

      ‘Tis well; let youth fight on, to rise and fall,

      Maturity has won the goal; youth has not all.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“The man who scatters the seeds uv kindness don’t need to worry about the cultervation; the crop will take keer uv itself.”

______

The Sausage

The sausage is

     A link that twines

Between the friendship

     Of two steins.

        – The Baltimore Sun.

The sausage is

     The link that starts

A fire within

     My inmost parts!

______

Pavement Philosophy

When in doubt, toss up.

Some men are better “before dinner” speakers.

Don’t you really like the man who says “Business is good!”

It is a very rich man who can’t afford to keep two dogs.

Painting the town red is apt to leave a dark brown after-flavor.

Hope is a good thing to have, but don’t let it crowd out your energy.

You can’t tell nowadays whether you are going to be a martyr of not.

Once in a while there’s a man who says “That’s so” to everything you say.

It’s a good deal to say nowadays that a man is a good provider.

The chap who cries over spilled milk is likely to be accused of dilution.

If a boy’s ears are stretched beyond normal, is he more to blame than some others?

You can’t blame the man who has got his winter coal in for feeling just a little better than the rest of the neighborhood.

Probably the reason some girls make such a fuss when a fellow steals a kiss is because they’re afraid he won’t give it back.

______

Don’t Want Any Drops

Hank Stubbs – The next thing you know airships will be goin’ right over your head.

Bige Miller – Ez long ez they go “right over,” Hank, I’ll be satisfied.

______

Cradle-Bed

(Contributed.)

Cradle-bed and coverlet,

Mother-words to music set;

Earth and heaven briefly met.

Then inevitable years,

Smiles dissolving into tears;

Cradles changing into biers.

Last, the flow’ry counterpane,

Daisies growing in the rain;

Cradle-bed returned again.

Somerville.           H. A. KENDALL.

______

Advice to Young Authors

Don’t roll your ms. or your “r’s.”

Sachet powder or a rank cigar never won an editor.

If you don’t at first fool one publisher, try, try another.

Bear this in mind: Keep a sharp pencil, but a sharper wit.

A check in hand is worth two in ambition.

If you have a good style of your own, you will always be in style.

Always use a fountain pen; sometimes its “flow” will furnish your inspiration.

Don’t write until you feel compelled to. If there is enough to eat in the house, don’t worry.

If a very serious piece of work doesn’t go in the best magazines, try it in the funny papers.

Whatever you do, don’t be discouraged; it’s a big state, like Indiana, that doesn’t contain a thousand or more successful authors.

____________

Oct. 24, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

To the Stay-at-Homes

The skies are full of leaden gray,

The fishin’ lines are put away;

The poles are stored in the shed,

The fall hez come, an’ summer’s dead.

The hunter bangs out in the woods,

An’ echoes wake the solitudes;

The ducks they want a chance to light,

But do not dare till comes the night.

The partridge drums out his alarm,

And tries to hide his head from harm;

The wily farmer does the same,

For fear he’ll be mistook for game.

An’ while these things are in the air

The only safe place, I declare,

Is in the city’s bang an’ throb,

A-tendin’ to your daily job.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Forgin’ a check is a mighty poor way uv forgin’ ahead in the world.”

______

Theatrical Note

Some of the chorus girls who continually argue that they ought to be put in the front row, if the truth were known, haven’t a leg to stand on.

______

Fine time of the year to save car fares.

It is time for your relative to give up your winter overcoat.

Some people’s idea of getting warm is to heat the inside first.

If snow is in the air today, we hope that’s where it’s going to stay.

Banging the furnace sounds well, and may create a little heat in the banger, but that is all.

You can hardly expect an alarm clock to wake you, pull you out of bed and put your clothes on.

Finding fault with the weather, if you will notice, never does any good except to make it worse.

______

Melancholy

The melancholy days are cinched,

     The days we oft have sorrowed;

And some decadent wretch has pinched

     The umbrell’ we borrowed!

                                      – Plain Dealer

How careless is an act like this,

     To even lose a loaned one;

We never lost an umbrell’,

     Because we never owned one.

______

Compensation

(Contributed.)

Rain’in’? Well, I guess it’s rainin’ –

     Comin’ down a good old spout!

There you go with your complainin’,

‘Cause you cannot mess about.

Yet I know it is a blessin’,

     For I worked all yesterday

In the meadow, spreadin’ dressin’ –

     Means another ton o’ hay!

Rainin’! Yes, I know it’s pourin’ –

     Hear it strike the panes – ker-flop!

Water helps a lot in chorin’,

     Though your nerves are on the hop.

Thoughtless? Yes, I sometimes may be,

     When you throw me with a bump –

Why, last night you’d almost flay me

     ‘Cause I broke that rusty pump!

Rainin’; yes, I’m glad it’s rainin’,

     If it’s gloomy in the house;

Lucky to have got the grain in –

     Just escaped this good old souse!

‘Taters snugly in the cellar,

     Yet your tears would fill a cup;

Let it rain! ‘Twon’t hurt a feller

     Who has Baldwins bar’l’d up!

                   MICHAEL FITZGERALD.

  East Brewster.

______

Accommodating

Stranger – You say you give a pair of pants free with every suit?

Dealer – That’s what we do.

Stranger – Well, I’ll take the pants now, if you don’t mind, and the suit some other time.

______

Pugilistic Poem

All talk,

And balk.

No fight

In sight.

Alak!

For Jack,

And slim

For Jim.

Gee whizz,

What fizz!

____________

Oct. 25, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

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The Sons of Rest

Do you belong to the “Sons of Rest?”

     That powerful organization

That is here and there and everywhere,

     Spread over this powerful nation?

Are you a member upon its books?

     In good and regular standing?

Small honor to you if that is true,

     Small attention are you commanding.

You’d better give up your membership,

     And unite with the “Sons of Labor”;

You would gain a name and healthful fame,

     And gain the respect of your neighbor.

The “Sons of Rest” is a hang-dog club,

     Run down at the heel and faded;

In spite of its name the members are lame,

     Half-hearted, ill-groomed and jaded.

The “Sons of Labor” are up to snuff,

     Get into the ranks and swell them;

Their heads are high as tramp, tramp by,

     It is easy enough to tell them.

Get out of the lodge of the “Sons of Rest,”

     And get into the “Sons of Labor”;

You will earn your pelf, and respect yourself,

     And gain the esteem of your neighbor.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“There’s a good many cranks in the world, an’ some uv ‘em are terribly so.”

______

The Query Box

Dear Jocosity – What does the subway conductor say when he shouts: “BallsunstreetchangefrPawkinNortthstationouterthenearestdoorplease!”

Easy; he tells you where you are, how to get somewhere else, and how to get off the car.

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Pavement Philosophy

Some are brought up in affluence and some with a round term.

Originality is a fine thing when it is not possessed by a bore.

It is a wonder some genius never invented a shorter word for umbrella.

Many a self-made man becomes spoiled after his job is completed.

Don’t condemn the rich man too severely; you may be in the same dilemma some day.

A substitute for radium has been found. We hope it is less common and more expensive.

Did you ever notice that the village dog usually picks out the worst looking automobile to look at?

The wicked stand in slippery places. Ever notice how particular some men are to get out their coal ashes at the first sign of sleet?

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A Scattered Flock

“How do you like your new pastor?”

“Don’t like him a bit; he won’t stay here.”

“Why not?”

“O, he’s too thick with the wealthy members.”

“Wat was the matter with your old pastor?”

“He was too thick with the poor members.”

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The Peacemaker

“You slanderer, you reviler of the innocent and unsuspecting! I hear you have been saying things about me!”

“I cannot deny it.”

“Can you prove all your assertions in court?”

“I can.”

“Well, there’s no necessity for it, that I can see, now that I understand the situation. What’ll you have?”

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Oct. 26, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

What Say?

As cold weather approaches

O’er valley and hill,

That pole controversy

     Just gives us a chill.

Why can’t they postpone it

     Till weather comes hot?

Next July and August

     ‘Twould help out a lot.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“The man who wants the earth is the biggest kicker when it comes to payin’ taxes.”

______

Revenge is Sweet

A Connecticut town which a short time ago went “no license” now reports water so low in the reservoir that the mills will have to shut down. A mean “yes” man about town says: “Serves ‘em all right; if they’d a-voted for license the mills might a-run all winter.”

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Cheerful Comment

Money makes the clock go.

“Votes for women” may yet help out the brick industry.

Would the head of France rather be right than president also?

Attention is turned from the pigskin library to the same thing in football.

Limburger to cure cancer, says a Denven chemist. We cannot imagine anything it would not drive out.

It was a Maine farmer, we believe, who said, “It’s hard to have to depend on hard cider, but harder when there’s nothing but soft drinks.”

______

Deserved Punishment

“He called me pie-face,” said the boy, sullenly.

“That was no reason for giving him such a t’rashing.”

“I wouldn’t a-laid a finger on him if he could a-backed it up, but, say, I ain’t seen apiece o’ pie for t’ree months!”

______

Muddy Enough

“Did you ever try mud baths?”

“Pretty nearly; they’ve been monkeying with the water pipes on our street for several weeks.”

______

A Happy Domestic Outlook

Mr. Saiso – You want to remember, madam, if you women ever gain the ballot and run for office, etc., you’ll have to take the consequences.

Mrs. Saiso – But, my dear, we intend to gain the ballot and scoop all the offices, and then you men will have to take the consequences.

______

Seeing Things

A poet is a prophet without profit.

Life has many charms; the greatest of which is life.

The best athleticism doesn’t count in an automobile collision.

Don’t condemn a man’s vocal gifts because he misses the air; he may be trying to sing tenor.

Why is it a woman never likes to shop in a store where her husband is employed as a salesman?

It has been said that women are all alike; this is not true. There are no two women alike, and there is no woman twice alike.

You will always notice a certain air about a journalist. But you will never notice any of the millionaire about him.

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Oct. 27, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Since Gungawamp is “No”

The Cow Club is divided now, each ha’f is pretty sore,

An’ things ain’t quite so cheerful like o’ nights in Stokes store;

One-ha’f the Club it voted “no,” the other “yes,” an’ so

They is a strained relation sence ‘twuz carried by the “no.”

The “yes” men say disaster will come on the poor ol’ town,

The taxes will be higher, an’ no boarders come aroun’.

The “no” men claim the village it will make a better show,

An’ men will hev more money jest becuz they voted “no.”

The “yes” men they are sartin, an’ the “no” men they are sure;

An’ argermunts hev risen you can’t find in lit’ratoor;

The “yes” men are allowin’ they’ve no inderpendunce now,

The “no” men say that licker takes it from ‘em anyhow.

An’ so they’ve argued daily till the Cow Club’s split in two,

An’ things are at a stan’ still with no settlemunt in view.

Both sides are kinder worried – ain’t no other place to go,

‘Cuz social life hez altered sence ol’ Gungy voted “no”.

It ain’t the moral uplift, or the good thet’s goin’ to come,

It ain’t the grave disaster that is proffersied by some;

It ain’t the loss in finance thet the “yes” men talk about,

It ain’t the days uv plenty thet the “no” supporters shout,

It’s ‘cuz this org’nization, long a feature uv the town,

Hez got internal troubles an’ is likely to go down.

No matter what the issue, an’ no matter what the vote,

This  Cow Club uv ol’ Gungy’s got to jest be kept afloat.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Some fellers’ idee is thet the easiest way to eat an apple is to draw it frum the fasset.”

______

Question No. 1

We hereby wish to go on record as protesting to the last ditch against woman suffrage – against woman being the equal of man. Woman has been superior to man for ages, and why should she wish to lower herself to his equal by mixing up in contemptable politics and cast a machine-made ballot and be the associate of a rum-soaked and tobacco-dyed ward heeler? Why?

______

To the Timid

Come out from cell and dungeon

     And take your shutters down;

Do not go armed, don’t feel alarmed,

     Pankhurst has left the town.

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Cheerful Comment

Read “Life on the Mississippi.”

The canal is half dug, but is it?

Has T. R. gone into the trunk business?

Here’s hoping Yale’s new boathouse will help Yale to row better boat.

If you are a strong pugilist it’s an easy way of knocking out a good living.

“Fewer marriages in Great Britain” has a doleful sound. Not surprising, since England is the hub of suffragetteism.

“Nicaraguan rebels win the first important battle.” Has to be that way in order to interest the average American reader.

Without taking from Maj. Rowan one whit of his well deserved fame, there will always be men competent and willing to take messages to Garcia.

______

Coming Too Swift

Word comes from St. John’s, N. F., to the effect that the sealing steamer Ferranova is being fitted out for a trip to the Antarctic, under command of Capt. Scott, the well known explorer. Now, we don’t want to say a word that would in any way tend to retard the progress, but we sincerely hope we won’t have another pole thrust upon us until we know for a certainty who’s got the first one. Life is too full to keep tabs on a large number of guessing contests.

______

Mary’s Lamb

If Mary’d used her little lamb

     In just the way she should,

She would have done, without a doubt,

The future ages good.

For instance, had she started in

     Sheep-farming, by the by,

There would have been so many now

     Lamb wouldn’t be so high.

______

Explained

“My, but you are an easy mark, old man. Why are you so confoundedly easy on book agents?”

“I used to be one myself.”

______

Paradoxical

The silly mortal who pretends

     To know it all gets termed a fake;

The less advice you give your friends

     The more of it, you find, they take.

                                                – Puck

It’s ne’er too late to make amends,

     My neighbors are good as can be;

The less advice I give my friends

     The more they want to give to me.

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Oct. 28, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

How to Succeed

Run, says the sprinter,

     Study, says the teacher;

Ad., says the printer,

     Pray, says the preacher.

Fight, says the fighter,

     Sail, says the sailor;

Write, says the writer,

     Sew, says the tailor.

Hunt, says the hunter,

     Bake, says the baker;

Kick, says the punter,

     Bite, says the fakir.

Drum, says the drummer,

     Speed, says the chauffeur;

Plumb, says the plumber

     Loaf, says the loafer.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Some men could do a better job at after-dinner speakin’ ef they didn’t eat so all-fired much.”

______

A New Word

For those who are worried over a shorter word for “aviator” we respectfully submit “flyor.” It is short and to the point, and can easily be distinguished from the obnoxious word “highflyer” by its brevity, as well as its spelling.

______

The Query Box

Dear Jocosity: What would you do if you had $1.000,000? – Problemitis.

Of course, you know what you expect us to say – that we would immediately pay off the mortgage on the old farm, buy an automobile for our parents, give our younger brothers a college education and build a new library for our native village. As a matter of fact, Problemitis, we would do nothing of the kind. First thing we would buy a box of 10c seegars, and get a new fishing pole like the one we saw in a hardware store window a few days ago. After that we don’t know what.

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Made to Order

That “brevity’s the soul of wit,”

     At times we think is corking;

That is, we think the saying’s fit

     When other folks are talking.

______

Hank’s Reply

Hank Stubbs – I fixed one uv them air agent fellers today.

Bige Miller – How so?

Hank Stubbs – Waal, he came sneakin’ up to my front door an’ ast me ef the lady uv the house wuz in, an’ I said no, but the gentleman uv the barn an’ hoss stables is.

____________

Oct. 29, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

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So Unreasonable

“Yes,” she snapped, viciously, “you said if I would elope and marry you we would fly to the land of milk and honey, and live on the fat of the land. We have been here a month, and where is the milk? Where is the honey? Not even a pound of salt pork!”

“Well,” he replied, meekly, “use your eyes. There isn’t a place on this estate to keep a cow, and as for bees, there isn’t a man in town willing to let me have a flock for their keep. As for pork, one can’t keep a pig without the cow, so there we are.”

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

It is allus well to remember that the smile that won’t come off afore ‘lection gen’ly disappears purty soon afterwards.

______

Old Times and Things

(Contributed by a Tailor.)

You sing of old-time songs and things,

     You say you love old things the best;

Old days, old nights, old books and games,

     Old times forever in your quest.

How glad am I you love the old,

     I would your old-time joy enhance;

I’m sending you an old-time bill

     For one new pair of old-time pants.

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Cheerful Comment

The divorce microbe needs attention, too.

If you are a good dodger you have nothing to fear from Halley’s comet.

Sometimes the man near you who explains the play is worse than the play itself.

Peculiar sort of a man that to shoot his wife because she wished to earn her own living.

Here’s hoping the African man-eating lions won’t be true to name for a few weeks at least.

A local paper says a man was shot in the New York pie strike. They ought to be more careful where they shoot a man.

Perhaps if the good ship “Terranova,” the south pole seeker, were named “The Roosevelt,” she would have more of a “get there” to her.

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Business Vs. Sentiment

Publisher – What’s the matter with our new humorist?

Editor – Why, isn’t he making good?

Publisher – Well, just tip him off to the effect that he ought to write more jokes and verse about “it pays to advertise” and less about “moonful nights and starry eyes.”

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Oct. 30, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Uncle Ezra Says:

“You will allus notice thet the man who never shuts to door is the one who comes to see you the most.”

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Personal Note

The janitor, if not in the public eye these days, is very much in the public mouth.

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Oct. 31, ‘09