Jocosities - August 1909

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

A Still Hunt

He’s down upon his hands and knees,

     He worried looks, alas!

He’s crawled a half an hour or more

     Down in the weeds and grass.

Sometimes he thinks he’s met with luck,

     A smile will light his face;

Then doomed to disappointment he,

     And sorrow creeps apace.

Something he’s lost and cannot find,

     And worry clouds his brow;

He knew just where he dropped it, but

     He cannot find it now.

Ah, no! It is not cash he lost,

     ‘Tis not his watch or ring;

It is the little garden spot

     He planted in the spring!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“The feller who burns his candle at both ends hez this to his credit: he is helpin’ to make the candle bizniz good.”

______

Cheerful Comment

Airship stock higher than the flights!

August can’t beat July for hot or cold.

We hope this fly business won’t hurt the good roads movements,

Between Jerome and the hot weather some kind of thaw ought to set in,

P. A. C. doesn’t stand for pacification; it means Payne, Aldrich and Cannon.

It isn’t that they need a heavier, but a stronger, air machine.

At the present writing the Spaniards have something besides a bull fight on their hands.

Flint, Mich., boasts of a goose 36 years old. The gander wasn’t such a goose as to live that long.

The only reason that the Doves don’t roost any lower is because they can’t get further down without digging through the concrete.

Another bride and groom, this time in Germany, began their honeymooning with a balloon trip. Strange a newly married couple will so quickly attempt suicide.

______

The Bathing Girl

We feel no special call to write

     Upon the bathing girl;

She who parades along the beach,

     And sets all hearts awhirl.

We’ve done this each and every year,

     Since we began to write;

And every time she’s been a “dream,”

     A “mermaid” or a “sprite.”

No other reason can we give

     Why this course we pursue,

Except that in our business

     It is the thing to do.

Thanksgiving verses must be writ,

     Likewise Christmas rhymes;

Each writer has to hit them all

     To keep up with the times.

So here is to the bathing girl,

     The fairest on the beach;

Before she dips into the surf

     She surely is a peach.

But after she has plunged therein

     With tresses wet and tight,

She isn’t quite so peachy then,

     In fact, she is a sight.

______

Say Nothing, But –

Charles Smith, a woodcutter of Winchendon, is to receive $28,000 from his father’s estate in Finland. This comes as a gift to young Smith, from his father, who is still living, for being good and industrious. In other words, Smith has profited by just keeping quiet and cutting wood.

______

Milk and Diamonds

“Follow me and you’ll wear diamonds” has nothing on Miss Anna Held. In fact, Anna has put the tempting old phrase out of business by ordering a gown from her Parisian gown builders which is to be literally covered with diamonds. Hereafter the saying will be, from the Held point of view, “follow me and see me wear diamonds.” Old timers remember when Anna approached the spotlight preceded by a milk bath. Now, on the eve of her departure from the stage, she announces a diamond gown. It’s a long step from milk to diamonds, but this dainty Parisian who has rolled up a million in 10 years on Broadway, has made the distance deftly and quickly.

______

Fall Hats

(Contributed.)

They say the fall style is a toque;

Let’s hope it won’t look like a joque.

          We can stand any lid

          If only we get rid

Of widow, peach basket and poque.

Dorchester.                 H. E. FENTON.

______

Politics In It

Hank Stubbs – Here is a headin’ in the paper thet says, “The price uv silver is risin’.”

Bige Miller – O, I s’pose it’s got to be so we’ll fafter pay a dollar an’ a ha’f fur a silver dollar.

____________

Aug. 1, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Rhymes Out of Season

Jack Frost is round the corner,

     Jest waitin’ in the shade

To swat you on the fingers

     With his cold-weather blade.

He’s hidin’ in the bushes,

     Jest keepin’ out o’ sight;

But one o’ these here evenin’s

     You’re goin’ to feel his bite.

Jack Frost is bent on mischief,

     No matter where he goes;

He likes to clip your fingers

     An’ shorten up your toes.

He’s dressed in autumn colors

     Your spirit to beguile;

But when he gets you nappin’

     He’ll freeze you with a smile.

        *        *        *        *

Perhaps these lines are early,

     An’ out o’ season quite;

But then, we hev to do it,

     Or git out uv the fight,

With magazines an’ journals,

     With pushers uv the pen,

All hev to up an’ hustle

     To beat the other men.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“When oppertunerty knocks on your door don’t jump up an’ turn down the light an’ pertend you ain’t home.”

______

“The Funniest Thing”

Dear Jocosity: In answer to your appeal for the funniest thing I ever saw I submit the following:

The funniest thing I ever saw was a mule who, every time his ears were tickled with a whip, let his heels fly. This isn’t so funny till you see it. Now won’t someone tell me why the mule doesn’t raise the end that’s tickled instead of the opposite one?

Brookline.                                    “PENNYWISE.”

______

Tit for Tat

Next week a woman will begin to walk from St. Louis to Boston. We can understand why a person should want to leave St. Louis enough to walk away, but why should she go to Boston? – Chicago Tribune. And why should the Tribune show such utter disrespect for a joke in its old age? – St. Louis Standard.

Just by the way of adding a few more gray hairs to the above alleged joke we will say that while the two cities named are fine cities to get away from, Boston is a fine city to come to. This may not be elegant English, or high culture, but it’s straight goods.

______

Hints for Swimmers

The bath tub is always safe.

Swimming should be practiced more and parading less.

Don’t get in the swim too deep nor too often.

Always look before you leap – above the surface and below.

Keep an eye out for sharks, more especially of the land variety.

There’s a big difference between going in bathing and going in swimming.

Still waters run deep; remember you can get just as wet in the shallows.

It is better to refrain from high diving than go round with a broken neck.

Never pretend you are drowning, for the American public likes to be humbugged.

If you can’t swim, get some water wings, or you may have some sprouting sooner or later.

When trying to float on your back, a toy balloon fastened to your nose will help, considerably.

If you have any cramps about your person, be sure to leave them on the shore. They are nothing but a bother out in the deep water.

A sun bath is, of course, a fine thing, but it is a mistake to think it necessary to go to a crowded beach to get it.

Don’t stay in the water so long that you are likely to become waterlogged. A soak of any kind is not especially useful to himself or to society.

______

The Big Noise

It’s fun to ride

     Down to the shore

And hear the tide

     And billows roar,

But on the walks

     Where follies be,

‘Tis money talks

     Above the sea!

____________

Aug. 2, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

When Haying is Done

There’s a smile of relief and a spirit of fun

Comes over the farmer when haying is done;

With his haylofts all swelling with sweet-scented hay

His smile is as cheery as sunshine in May.

The summer’s half over, and out in the field

He sees the approach of a beautiful yield;

As tall as his hat is the golden-topped corn,

Which waves its long arms in the breeze of the morn.

As fair and as fragrant as gardens of old

Are his fields with their stubble as yellow as gold.

With his barn full of hay and his bedding stocked high,

A smile on his face and a gleam in his eye;

The stock is provided with winter repast,

And apples and pumpkins are ripening fast.

There’s a smile of relief and a spirit of fun

Comes over the farmer when haying is done;

The turnips are growing, the melons are prime,

The harvest approaching, his bounteous time.

Ah! Lucky the farmer who wanders afield

And sees the approach of a bountiful yield!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“The feller with money to burn is gen’ly the one who does the most shiverin’.”

______

Thoughts on a Recent Lecture

(Contributed.)

To the Supernatural Dr. Eliot said “Scat!”

But the Supernatural did not budge an inch for that;

O, ‘twas quite uncomplimentary

To be so very elementary,

And to disobey the man who knows where he’s at.

Sumer school theology differs from the winter brand;

In October you must think, but in summer all is bland.

So do not call him inconsistent,

If in November he’s persistent;

That the Supernatural’s doing business at the same old stand.

    Salem.                    GEORGE L. PARKER

______

Worked Himself Out of a Job

“Will you have a face massage, sir?” queried the barber, cocking his weather ear close to the customer’s face, after making the last swipe with the razor.

“I’ve just had one,” grunted the man with the large pie belt.

“Beg pardon?” said the barber, suspiciously.

“I say, I’ve just had one,” repeated the customer.

“I – I don’t understand, sir,” said the barber, a puzzled look spreading over his waxy features.

“Well,” said the man, wearily, “if you had timed yourself you would have noticed that you scoured my face for about fifteen minutes before you began to shave. That’s massage enough for one sitting.”

______

Points of View

The bathing spots are crowded now

    With those who would a-bathing be,

And those who like to go to sea,

    And those who like to go to see.

______

Two Ways

Hank Stubbs – These here autymobile fellers are jest raisin’ the dust.

Bige Miller – Yaas, but not tew pay fur our roads they are sp’ilin’.

____________

Aug. 3, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Summer Love

(Judge Albert C. Barnes, of Chicago, classes summer engagements and summer marriage as “summer dangers,” and would take measures to restrict them.)

The staid old judge advises us

     Of summer love beware;

Of seashore “spoons” and mountain “moons”

     To have especial care.

He says that summer love is fraught

     With dangers unforseen;

That ardor tires and love expires

     Beyond the Gretna Green.

O, ye who linger at the shore

     Or in the mountain pass!

What is to hap’ if this bleak chap

     Should carry weight? Alas!

Who’d want to stroll along the strand,

     Or seek the mount hotels,

If love were sent, in discontent

     From oceansides and dells?

Ah, no, kind judge, forbid them not!

     What would vacations be?

Would you destroy the county joy?

     Would you desert the sea?

Without the bliss of summer love

     Resorts would ne’er have been;

Spare seaside “spoon” and mountain “moon,”

     And save the Gretna Green!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Honest endeavor may go unrewarded fur a spell, but some mornin’ it will wake up an’ see ‘Success’ writ on the footboard.”

______

“The Funniest Thing”

Dear Jocosity: What will raise a “haw-haw” from one person will hardly raise a smile from another. In fact, I have seen one man get a good laugh out of a joke, while another got a black eye. Here’s hoping you or I won’t get the latter in case you print the following:

One of the funniest things I ever saw was once when I was a dentist’s assistant. A man rushed in one day and asked the price of a new upper set of teeth. When told they would be $20 he dropped in the chair and said “Pull away.” As they were remarkably fine teeth the dentist began to question him.

“What’s the matter, do they ache?”

“Nope,” was the reply.

“Well, then, why do you want them extracted?”

“Well, I’ll tell you; a rich man told me this mornin’ that if he had a set of teeth like mine he would give $500, and I thought as how it would be an easy way of makin’ $480. How much do you charge for gas?”

______

Cheerful Comment

Dog days are no worse than cat nights.

All the high-fliers don’t ride on aeroplanes, nor yet dirigibles.

Boston most always has weather made to order; what’s yours?

It is within the bounds of reason that Harry Thaw will yet pronounce Jerome insane.

Even if there is to be “business enough for everybody” it may not be everybody’s business.

Every time the sun goes into a cloud people look up expecting to see a fleet of airships overhead,

The tariff is not only going to knock the country at large out of a vacation, but the President at large, also.

Kansas City has free street shower baths for man and beast. Boston can’t even raise a thunder shower bath.

Fifteen aeroplanes are to race in France. Here’s hoping there won’t be any ramming done, no rear end collisions or turning turtle.

A friend who intends purchasing an auto for his wife to run wishes to know if continued difficulty with the cranking affects the disposition.

A pessimistic friend dropped in to remark that it is a wonder that the war and rumors of war around Boston hasn’t boosted the prices of food and clothing.

______

“Fifty Cents Per Pair”

Take notice, you who squander cash

     For high-priced underwear;

Your uncle Joseph Cannon pays

     But “fifty cents per pair.”

And he has reached the topmost plank

     On the official stair;

He’s done it in an undersuit,

     At “fifty cents a pair”.

Economy and common sense

     Has helped his journey there;

Long may he “speak his piece” arrayed

     At “fifty cents per pair!”

______

Confidential

A little nonsense now and then

Is knocked out by the chief-ed’s pen.

______

Applied Mechanics

Boggs – Going out motoring this morning?

Toggs – Not for a while; my wife’s using my starting crank on her wringing machine.

____________

Aug. 4, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Give Him a Show

O, you high-up one, you who roost

     On fame’s broad ridgeboard high,

You who have got your bald old head

     In fame’s alluring sky,

Don‘t look so grouchy at the cub

     Down on the lower rung;

Once you were but an amateur,

     Once you were green and young.

You do not need to hold him by

     His ill-fit pantaloons;

You do not need to buoy him

     From countless suns and moons,

But don’t discourage him for aye,

     He’s human and he’s true;

Give him a show to climb, and let

     Him perch beside of you.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“It’s a hull lot pleasanter to be corn-fed than corn-toed.”

______

Getting on in Life

(Hand-made Letters from a City-made Son to His Chum.)

            Cowfoot Farm, August, ‘09

Dear Phil: Your abbreviated and to the point epistle arrived by the R.F.D. express this morning. The carrier was only two hours late today, having stopped to participate in a ball game, just out of the centre. Usually he is about four hours late. He has four or five different daily papers to deliver and sometimes when he comes to a nice shady place on the road he gives his horse a rest and indulges in the news of the day. It’s just as well, because if he got around sooner the men who take the papers would sit down and read them and thus the farming would get behind. I have a daily sent here, but keep it away from dad till he gets all through his day’s work. Gladinette thinks I am hard on dad, and she takes his part on all occasions. Aunt Patience joins them and I am in the silent minority.

I mentioned before that we were going fishing; well, we went. I hitched dad’s pacer into the carry-everything and we had a six-mile drive to the lake. I asked Aunt Patience which she would rather have for supper, trout, salmon, or black bass. She said she’d be satisfied with a picked-up codfish. I told her they couldn’t be picked up where I was going, which held her till we were out of hearing, at least. I asked Gladys if she’d ever been fishing, and she said, “No, only lobstering.” As she kept a straight face I didn’t ask for any further information on the subject and referred to the landscape. We had a couple of cane poles, two old straw hats, a box of worms and a basket of lunch. Gladys objected to touching the worms, so I had to bait the hooks. She threw over while I was getting ready. Pretty soon she got a tremendous bite. “Let him have it,” I said, “let him have it,” and what do you think she did? When he began to run she dropped the pole in the water, and off it went down the lake. “What in thunder did you do that for?” I asked about as calm as a hungry lion. “Why,” said she, “you told me to let him have it and I did.” “Well,” said I, “he’s got it all right,” and before I could even think of pulling up the anchor the pole was out of sight.

She said she didn’t think she cared much for fishing, anyway, and made me do it all, while she wondered how deep the lake was, if it was good clamming along the shore and if the tide ever went out so one could walk across. She said it didn’t strike her as being a remarkable body of water; nothing to be compared with the size of the water at Nantasket where one couldn’t see across. What would you have done in a case like that, Phil, pulled up the anchor and started for home, or jumped overboard and committed suicide?

Probably you will hear from me but once more before we hit the trail for the city. My two weeks are about up, and the call of the wild isn’t in it with the call of the tame when it comes from the depth of the pocketbook. Yours for nonce, whatever that is,                     “BRAD.”

______

 Consideration

We’ve had our honeymoon, and now

     We’re back to earth once more;

We’re keeping house just out of town,

     I’m working in the store.

I lug our bread and pies from town,

     And don’t get home till late;

My wife can’t bake, you know, she’s but

     A cook school graduate.

______

The Limit

Beacon – O, well, he isn’t half bad.

Hill – No; he;s wholly so, the rascal.

______

The Summer Crop

Hank Stubbs – How’s your crop comin’ on?

Bige Miller – Waal, we’ve got the bed rooms all full now, an’ ‘spectin’ four more termorrer.

____________

Aug. 5, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Sonnet To A Watermelon

O luscious long green from the trailing vine!

    No mid-day meal without thee is complete;

    Into the summer’s fierce oppressive heat

Thou comest to cool our parched lips like wine

From dungeons deep where suns could never shine.

   Fair maiden’s cheek, I ween, ne’er blushed more fair,

    Than thou, when quartered with exceeding care,

And placed before us on the festive board

Where thou hast always played the game and scored.

No waters of the morning dew more clear

Or sparkling than thy juices now and here.

    Would we couldst bathe in waters such as thine,

    O luscious melon from the trailing vine;

To drown therein would be a thing of cheer!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Mos’ people, ef they hev a roast to give, see thet it is middlin’ well done.”

______

“The Funniest Thing”

Dear Jocosity: The funniest thing I have seen recently is on exhibition in a West end furnishing store window. There are two cards, one of which reads, “Pajama hats reduced from $4 to $2,” and the other, “Silk Panamas, to close out, $3 per suit.”

Do you suppose the painter of the signs was out the night before, or is it a case of cross-eyed metaphor?

Somerville.                         “POWDER HOUSE”

______

Cheerful Comment

“Bob” Burdette ill? Laugh and grow strong.

A penny for your thoughts, but not a Lincoln one.

The reign of fire on the cape was followed by a rain of something more welcome.

One good way to improve the post card is to cut it down in numbers.

What’s in a name? Everything; Lillian Russell is ahead of Lillian Nordica three or four husbands.

The public might stand for Harry Thaw as a litterateur, but heavens! Suppose he should write a play and want to act the leading part?

The man who hollers, “My wife has gone to the country, hurrah, hurrah!” shouts it not because she has gone to the country, but because he is left alone in the city.

______

Poor Philosophers

“Folks keep advisin’ me to smile,”

     Said Amos Green one day;

“They say it is the only way

     To cure the blues,” they say.

“An’ when I say thet I don’t mind,

     They kind uv hem an’ haw,

An’ git around behin’ theirselves

     The like you never saw!”

______

The Long and Short of It

Indiana, land of novelists, poets and philosophers, and much else in life that is good and great, is again in the limelight. A wealthy farmer out there has presented his pastor 60 acres of land, valued at $125 per acre, because he made his sermons short and to the point. Here is food for thought for those before the pulpit as well as those behind. The presentation of this land is equal to a raise of salary. There is no doubt that short sermons would help to fill vacant pews, and possibly Indiana has started a movement that may become universal.

The Hoosier state has done many admirable things besides producing James Whitcomb Riley. She may be the means of solving the vacant pew problem, besides bringing church salaries up to a more satisfactory and just elevation, Not exactly, “the shorter the sermon the greater the salary”; but rather, “the longer the sermon the shorter the salary.” Indiana, her pastor and her farmer, are to be congratulated.

______

Street Primer

Is he a Merman? No, he is not a Merman, though he has a beautiful Braid hanging down his back. He is a Chinaman. He is called Chink for short. I don’t know why, Little One, unless it’s because he fits in a very Small place. The dictionary says that chink relates to the sound of Money. Yes, Little One, he is a Good Citizen – of some other country. He brings little with him, but takes a lot of Chink when he goes. Although he is not rich he has a Den; it takes a well-to-do American to have a Den. He is a great Dreamer, not of poetry or of the stars, but of the Pipe. He is not a Tinner, nor yet a Plumber, but he Hits the Pipe constantly.

It is hard work to Lose a Chinaman when he has his queue. It is his Rudder; also his Pride. The Chinaman is very much Stuck on his Queue, which, in turn, is very much Stuck on him. The Chinaman cares not much for dress, even his Shirt being an Outside matter.

(P.S. Chink is good for Pocket if it is the Right kind, but there is a difference between the Yellow Peril in the Gold Field and that in the Missionary Field).

______

Lines Still Busy

A soda fountain way out West

      Exploded on a Monday;

Will people scare, or have a care?

      “Pass out a frappe sundae!”

____________

Aug. 6, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Comin’ Cider Time

A feelin’ allus comes to me

     About this time o’ year,

A feelin’ I can’t quite explain,

     That’s sort o’ passin’ queer.

I hev to talk uv it to folks,

An’ sing uv it in rhyme;

It hits me in the ‘arly fall

     Jest comin’ cider time.

A strange ol’ knawin’ in my breast,

     Tongue sort o’ parched an’ dry;

A chokin’ feelin’ in my throat

     That stays right stiddy by.

Comes on ez reg’lar ez the year

     Comes round on wings sublime!

An’ gits me all unsettled like

     Jest comin’ cider time.

Can’t reckylect no other time

     O’ year I feel the same;

The spring, o’ course, jest makes a chap

     Unruly an’ untame;

But this exuberunce uv fall

     Jest borders on a crime;

I git to feelin’ desp’rit then,

 Jest comin’ cider time.

No way uv headin’ uv it off,

     Can’t git no rest until

I take a jaunt down through the lots

     An’ stop at Jones’ mill.

I run a straw twelve inches long

     Down in the juices prime,

An’ drink till them bad feelin’s go,

     Jest comin’ cider time!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Ef you don’t let people know you are alive while you are livin’, they ain’t much use a-doin’ it arterwards.”

______

Hard to Find

Our pessimistic friend dropped round again yesterday.

“Lightning struck Pittsburg rather forcibly,” we remarked.

“Do you know,” said he, “that that amazes me beyond everything.”

“What amazes you?”

“The fact that lightning could ever locate Pittsburg, especially in the night.”

______

Cheerful Comment

This is the moulting season for the Doves.

A January thaw creates lots of slush, but there are others.

Ever notice when people go in a body to take a dip how much so they act?

The actor, Victor Herbert Pomfrey, who inherits $13,000,000, can now head his own company – while it lasts.

Many of the engagements broken at the shore will hold over to be patched up again next year.

Some of the authors are taking heart again since Dr. Eliot has added another foot on to the library shelf.

No more separate cars for women in New York. That was because the men didn’t care to ride in them.

One commendable thing about airships inventions, they are on a higher plane than are many others you can think of.

Even if your old home town doesn’t have Old Home Week, don’t forget it still has your old home.

The innocent post card has started many a correspondence which has resulted more or less one way or the other.

The fountain pen was mightier than the pistol, even though it was closed, and the pistol was in the hand of a determined female.

______

Everybody Settle

The tariff bill is settled, so,

     Let’s settle down to work;

The worried minds are settled now

     Of manager and clerk.

The tariff bill is settled now

     Let’s settle up our bills;

It is the only settled way

     To settle people’s ills.

The tariff bill is settled now,

     The talkers gone to town;

Let’s scratch around and settle up

     And then we’ll settle down.

______

Hamp’s Foot

Hank Stubbs – Hamp Culyer out his foot in it when he bought that piece uv medder from Amos Green.

Bige Miller – Ef Hamp put his foot in it he got a mighty big piece uv medder fur his money.

______

A Near Parody

(Constructed by the Office Boy)

Maud Mullen on a summer’s day

Mended the rake that mowed the hay.

The lane held firmly the red-faced Judge,

His chestnut motor, it wouldn’t budge.

“Alas!” said he; “alas for motes,

I should have fed her a peck of oats.

“Of all sad words a bard may write,

Maud sees me in this flyless flight.”

______

Foiled Again

He – If something would only happen to the boat whereby I might rescue you!

She – And after you had rescued me, and borne me bravely to shore, and I opened my eyes, then what?

He – Then I’d get my names in the papers.

____________

Aug. 7, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Country, the Healer

From out the stuffy city streets

     The white-faced dwellers go;

To where green country branches

     Or cooling waters flow.

Out to the lone, sequestered farm,

     Where quiet reigns supreme,

Or to the seashore’s rocky charm,

     Where rollers thresh and gleam.

Out in the wind and sun and rain,

     Out in the mystic land

Where health waits in the country

     With paint box in her hand.

She touches lip and faded cheek,

     And brightens dullish eyes;

She furnishes the pale and weak

     A sun-kissed paradise.

Would every soul imprisoned now

     Within the cities’ tomb

Could feel upon its weary brow

     The country’s balm and bloom.

Would every weary head could rest

     A-free from stress and care,

Upon the country’s peaceful breast,

     And find a comfort there!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“You can’t tell by the looks uv an autymobile how fast it kin go when it gits out uv sight uv the p’liceman.”

______

Pavement Philosophy

Handsome is as handsome does you.

Let “well enough” alone and tackle “better yet.”

Encourage kindness even if you have to practice it on yourself.

A single invitation to smile generally causes a double one.

“Back to the farm” doesn’t necessarily mean “back to the woods.”

Laugh and the world laughs with you unless you are laughing at the world.

Men who are prone to drift with the tide never make a good landing.

Never speak ill of your neighbor unless you can back it up, and even then don’t do it.

When you are looking around for a good-looking, honest face don’t you frequently stop before the glass?

Don’t follow anybody’s footsteps unless you are dead sure they lead to where you ought to go.

The man who is “tacking” along the sidewalk is evidently trying, for reasons of his own, to kill time ere he reaches home.

Did you ever stop to think that there is a lot of waste energy in hate, and that probably those whom you hate enjoy having you use the waste?

______

Health Hint

If you are feeling

     On the blink,

Why not quit dealing

     With the drink?

If you are losing

     Faith and hope,

Why not quit using

     Death and dope?

If you are flound’ring

     In the storm,

Why not quit flound’ring

     And reform?

______

From the Belfry

[Contributed.]

The unwise and the unworthy never win true possession.

It is common folly to hasten toward affection.

Love is in the imagination rather than in the heart.

The absent bird is not lost, and love will return.

Love cannot be defined exactly; it can be acted perfectly.

Woman is what she is, not what she seems to be.

Nature tells us whom to love; reason must say when and where.

Woman has been studied faithfully, but she remains a mystery.

Professional lovers are the least successful in winning regard.

To be able to win love does not always imply virtue or merit.

Woman gives many times the pleasure she receives in all relations of life. She is a perennial fountain of joy, incorruptible unless abused.

____________

Aug. 8, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Money You See In Your Dreams

O, isn’t it yellow, or isn’t it green,

     Doesn’t it shine when the sunlight gleams?

And doesn’t it make you a king or queen –

     The money you see in your dreams.

There’s always so much you can’t spend it all,

     It passes your vision in streams on streams;

It lightens your life from its gloom and pall –

     The money you see in your dreams.

You lie there enraptured the livelong night,

     And your pathway with pleasure teems;

You know not the morning will sweep from your sight

     The money you see in your dreams.

Don’t bargain for autos or aeros, my friend,

     While asleep, or dabble in schemes;

Wake up, ere ever you start in to spend

     The money you see in your dreams.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“It’s bad enough to be down an’ out, but it’s a hull lot wuss to be down an’ under.”

______

An Up-to-Date Ambition

We do not care so much for fame,

         Or where our dull vacation’s spent;

But we would like to get our hands

         Upon a brand new Lincoln cent.

______

Getting on in Life

(Hand-made Letters from a City-made Son to His Lonely Chum.)

                 Cowfoot Farm, Aug. 6, ’09.

Dear Phil: This will be my last communication till I see you again, which I trust will be in three days. Sorry you have found the big town so lonely since out departure. Of course, most of the theatres are closed, but Revere is still open. Since when have you lost interest in the little pleasures of life? You talk like a man engaged to be married.

Dad is sorry to have us leave. By “us” I mean Gladinette. They are great chums, Gladys and dad; “Glad and dad,” I call ‘em for short. Dad says if he were twenty years younger, of Gladinette twenty years older, he would give me the run of my life. I told him if she were twenty years older he could have all the running to himself. Seriously, though, we hate to leave, and he hates to have us leave. Gladinette likes the country more the more she gets acquainted with it. At first she thought she was stung, and when she dallied with the hornets’ nest she was sure of it, but now she takes a different view of it. At first she plunged into things recklessly, but now she knows that the country is a bad place for a plunger. She thinks twice before she speaks and asks several questions before she acts.

It came about through her endeavors one evening to pet a little black and white cat. She was sitting on the porch in the moonlight when she saw what she thought was one of our pet cats playing in the grass in the front yard. She ran down the steps and across the lawn to pick up the kitten before we hardly knew what was up. Well, Phil, in another second everything was up. The calm of the evening was not only rent by piercing screams, but by an odor ten times more piercing. It was a combination of grand opera and grand odor! Gladinette staggered back a few steps and then promptly fainted. She thought the end of the world had come.

The little black and white pet was a kitten all right, but it was a “pole kitten,” which is a revised version of “young skunk.” The little animal, not yet domesticated, objected to being petted, and raised its objections and spread them all round. I carried Gladinette to the house, and in doing so my own clothes caught the contagion, and are now being treated in the clothes hospital.

Gladys said afterward that she had heard of pole cats, but supposed they were all up in the country Peary is trying to reach. She says she advises all city people coming into the country the first year to have their hands tied behind them. Dad tried to comfort her by saying the same rule might apply to country people coming to the city the first time. He promised to visit us in town in the fall. We will then see what dad does with his hands, also his eyes.                             “BRAD.”

______

The Literary Calamities

There was once a young poet named Bean,

Who wrote sonnets the worst ever seen;

               He made a loud brag

               That he wrote for a mag’ –

‘Twas a girl, not a real magazean.

A novelist said: “I’ll prepare

A novel whose plot is most rare”;

               The plot grew so thick

               The ink wouldn’t stick,

And so he gave up in despair.

______

History Repeating Itself

They spelt his name Myles Standish at the recent Duxbury celebration. Later on they may still further elaborate it into Mylles Stannedysh. – Cleveland Plain Dealer.

It is rather hard lines, brother, but let us not grieve over it; Mylesy will neither know nor care.

______

Up-to-Date Studies

Let us, then, be up and flying,

          With a heart for any fate;

Still a-flying, though we’re dying –

          Learn to mote and aviate.

____________

August 9, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Fame of V. D. B.

When you have done a mighty deed

    You should feel good;

And fame should put you in the lead,

    Of course it should.

You should get credit, wealth and fame,

    From sea to sea;

If not your own and given name,

    Then V. D. B.

Just think or Binns and all the rest,

    The fame each wins;

With more than “J. B.” is he blest,

    It’s “Brave Jack Burns!”

Just think of gallant Theodore,

    “T.R.” is he;

This mighty Russian should get more

   Than V. D. B.

Let jealous politicians scoff,

   To rant give vent;

Those letters three must not come off

    The Lincoln cent.

Nay, let it have the whole blame’ name,

    That all may see;

Enlarge the penny, and the fame,

    Of V. D. B.!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“I hev allus noticed one thing thet the man who finds fault with his wife’s cookin’ never says thet he could do better himself. The reason is, he’s afeard she would tell him to go ahead an’ try it.”

______

Street Primer

Do you see the man coming down the street? No, Little One, he is not on roller skates; he is a Sailor, and that is his natural gait. He thinks the sidewalk is going Up and Down, and so he has to meet it half-way. Does it make you seasick to watch him walk? Well, then, come away from the Window.

The sailor is for two reasons, sailing boats and making little Excitement in seaport towns. He fills both requirements exceedingly well, thus making himself useful on both land and sea. He is said to have a Wife in every port, which is untrue, There are many Hundreds of ports in the world, and the sailor cannot make them all. The reason he has a Wife in every port is because he has so Many names. If he has a Wife for every name he is doing pretty well. He is called, besides his regular name, “Jack,” “Old Salt,” “Hearty,” “Cap,” “Shipmate,” “Jolly Tar,” “Marlinspike,” “Skipper” and “Matey.”

His shirt is cut low in the neck, and his Trousers wide at the bottom. Sometimes people think his Trousers are on upside down, but that is a Landlubber’s error. The sailor loves the sea, just as we love the land, and if he stays ashore too Long and it comes on rough, and he has too swell a time, he gets land sick. The walk you see is his Roll. The other Roll he parted with as soon as he got Ashore. Jack could tell you many Stories about his life at Sea, but more about his life Ashore, but perhaps you’d better Not hear them.

     (P.S. – A life of the ocean Wave is but Play for the sailor, but the Land swell is very apt to take him off his Sea legs.)

______

The New One

You may have seen wonders in places you’ve been,

     You may have seen happiness well worth your while;

But ne’er have you seen, without or within,

     Aught to compare with that “Beverly smile.”

____________

Aug. 10, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Where Brook and River Meet

Standin’ there with dusty feet

Where the brook an’ river meet;

Where the shadders make it cool

In the ha’f-hid swimmin’ pool.

That’s the place fur me, I say,

On a hot an’ sultry day;

Nothin’ ha’f so cool an’ sweet,

Where the brook an’ river meet.

All the bathtubs lined with gold,

All the beaches, breaker-rolled,

All the surf an’ salty air

Never hez, nur will, compare

With the good ol’ river’s brink,

Where the thirsty cattle drink;

Where the branches stay the heat,

Where the brook an’ river meet.

Moss an’ ferns along the shore

Fur a ha’f a mile or more;

Overhengin’ branches where

We would climb high ez we’d dare,

Drop ‘kersplosh” down in the stream,

Hearts aglow an’ eyes agleam!

Out, away frum city street,

Out where brook an’ river meet.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“I hev heerd, an’ they may be somethin’ in it, thet the reason they’re workin’ so hard on airships is becuz they wanter git a dead sure machine afore the judgment day.”

______

Cheerful Comment

Castles in the air follow man flight, or precede it?

Connecticut’s blue laws have long turned other states green with envy.

If Rhode Island clambakes were to be revised would it be upward or downward?

When the animals are all killed and stuffed then the stuffing of the public will begin.

There will be a heavy increase in travel when that 13,000-mile journey is begun.

Where one revolution succeeds a hundred of them fail – even in the home kitchen.

Can you figure out how much you’ve made when you pay 10 cents for a Lincoln penny?

Oftentimes the words, “Our own make,” don’t add anything to the reputations of the makers.

Joy riding and funeral marching don’t exactly go together, but sometimes one follows the other in quick time.

In all probability W.J.B. is going down into the canal zone for the purpose of gathering material to aid him in his fourth defeat.

______

Hank Stubbs Writes:

“The chaps who goes the pace that kills

Now’days ain’t them who daily swills

     A lot o’ licker;

No sir; joy riders runnin’ loose,

Or aeroplanists, now perduce

    A pace thet’s quicker.”

______

Hard on the Puff Girls

Consternation reigns supreme in the girls’ camps. Reports from Paris, headquarters for puffs and switches, state that hair has doubled in price, and that it would take but a few more puffs to switch it still higher. Peasant girls have become more vain, and are refusing to part with their crowning glory. God bless ‘em! Why shouldn’t the peasant girl desire as glorious a crown as her sisters? She is saying to herself, “Well, if all these masses of coils and puffs and switches are good for my sister, who has so much else in the world, then they are good for me, who has so little.” Conclusion: “I will keep my crowning glory, which will perhaps bring me a good husband, or else my sister will pay well for her vanity.”

The girls, of course, look mighty well with some other girl’s hair on, but they mustn’t deceive themselves by thinking they can deceive their brothers. A man can tell a foreign puff as far as he can see it, and when a girl says “Be careful, George, and don’t muss up my hair,” her caller at once knows what the matter is. It is a cute little fad, perhaps, but it is not without its penalties or its humorosities.

______

Retaliation

How doth the little busy bee

       Out ‘neath the apple limb,

Proceed to stab the careless man,

       Who, careless, sits on him.

______

Not Dead but Sleeping

It is said that one of Chicago’s best known poets has renounced the muse and has begun to manufacture hair tonic, finding it, if not more congenial, more lucrative. There may have been other and stronger reasons than mere money. Accumulating baldness, for which the poet could find no parasite, may have driven him to experimenting, and in his experiments he may have found not “something just as good,” but something better. But no real poet ever deserts the muse forever and a day, and we may look for sonnets to “My Hair Redeemer,” and “before and after using” poems as soon as his plant gets in running order.

______

Compensation

[Contributed.]

Exquisite is duty,

   And the heart may find

A redeeming beauty

   In a life unkind.

              Somerville            H. A. Kendall

____________

Aug. 11, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Your Sister Kate

Now Orville knows a thing or two

    Outside the airship line;

That he has stacks of common sense

    He shows by word and sign.

Whene’er he journeys near or far,

    Within or out his state,

On business or pleasure bent

    He takes his sister Kate.

No selfish bach’ is Orville Wright,

    No narrow miser he;

He is devoted to his sis,

    He likes good company.

He seeks not social butterflies,

    More chic and up to date;

When Orville wants a jolly pal

    He takes his sister Kate.

You who waste money on yourselves,

    Or on some heartless sprite,

You would do well to take a tip

    From brother Orville Wright.

When you are cruising, even though

    You do not aviate,

You couldn’t do a wiser thing

    Than take your sister Kate.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“When you are buyin’ a hoss it pays to buy a good one; the time might come when you’d wanter git away frum the sherriff.”

______

One of the 150,000,000

When you first try a new Manila cigar,

     With your chest all inflated with hope,

Perhaps you’ll prefer, ere you have gone far,

     A nice new piece of Manilla rope.

______

Getting on in Life

(Hand-made Letters from a City-made Chum to His Melancholy Room-mate.)

                          Cowfoot Farm, Aug, 10, ‘09

Dear Phil: Well, old boy, here I am after telling you my last letter would be my last, but like a “farewell tour,” there are more to follow. I got an extended furlough, a reprieve, and dad is just about tickled out of his cowhides. At his urgent request I sent my boss a card, asking for a week longer, as I was out of health, and he replied, “Sure thing, my boy, stay till the game’s over.” Now what do you think of that? If I didn’t understand his expressions so well I should take his letter to mean, “on the suspended list.” Dad told me not to worry, that he could find a steady job for me on the farm the coming fall and winter. I told him I knew what a steady job on the farm meant, and also knew about the “overtime.” He said his orders were way ahead, and that he would give me a higher position in the fall when he got ready to shingle the house and barns. Gladinette had to butt in and help father out by saying, “O, wouldn’t it be just lovely to be on the farm during fall and winter! Just think of the coasting and skating and sleighing!” “Yes,” I added, “and the digging and shoveling and chopping and freezing. Of course,” said I, “if you rather I would stay here with father than to go to town with you, why just make me acquainted with the fact.” Then what do you suppose that little tantalizing witch said? “Not that I need you any less, but that your father needs you more.” I couldn’t tell whether she was serious or not, and after I had “grumped” for half an hour she gave me the “ho-ho.”

Take it from me, Phil, being in love isn’t all sunshine and roses. When a girl knows she’s got a fellow just where she wants him then she proceeds, with the help of the audience, to make a monkey of him, and every day he hangs around just to have the monkey stunt performed. The only time I can get even with her is when she is among the stock, or the hornets, or the skunks and Tom turkeys. It is then that Juliet looks up her Romeo and says, “Protect me from my friends!” Sorry you are so lonely, old chap, but glad to know I am missed. We took Gladys out to pick some green corn and dig a few early potatoes. “Why, that’s awfully funny,” said she. “What’s funny?” asked aunt Patience. “Why,” said Gladys, I always thought potatoes grew on trees like apples, and green corn on vines like cucumbers!” That was my inning, and I just lay on the grass and rolled, and lay there till I rolled over a “yeller jackets’” tunnel, and after that the rest of the party did the mirth act. Dad dug the potatoes and I dug for the house for the arnica. Ever since then dad has been asking my views on the “yellow peril.” If the girls are out of hearing he gets them! 

“BRAD.”

______

Providing Provisos

Up in the air and away we go in our brand new aeroplane, providing, of course, it doesn’t cloud and cause a sprinkle of rain. Off through the sky we fly, we fly, just see our big airship go, providing, of course, it’s nice and calm, and the wind it doesn’t blow. Away, away, on the wings of day, just watch as we mount or drop, providing, of course, the pipes don’t clog, and the motor doesn’t stop. Around and round, and back and forth, O, what a beautiful trip! Providing, of course, the rudder holds, and our flippers continue to flip.

____________

Aug. 12, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Man Who Wants It All

There is the man who wants his share

     Of life’s rich golden store;

There is the man, not very rare,

     Who wants a little more.

But men like these two, as you well know,

     They number very small

Compared with our vast overflow

     Of men who want it all.

You know the man, no doubt you meet

     Him every busy day;

He’s either out upon the street

     Or doing office play.

He always shouts his deals are square,

     That others get the haul;

He only wants the smaller share,

     He doesn’t want it all.

But when you see his mansion fair,

     His miles of real estate,

His ships for sea and ships for air,

     His autos six or eight;

You know he’s got a goodly pile,

     The world moves at his call;

You know it with a sickly smile,

     That he has got it all.

And yet the sons of men arise

     And follow in his lead;

We have each day before our eyes

     The mirror of his deed.

Here’s hoping you all graft surpass,

     And list not to its call;

That you observe not in the glass

     The man who wants it all.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Ef you hed the world at your feet you’d hev a mighty hard time a-steppin’ over it.”

______

Cheerful Comment

The joy rider gets his at the bottom of the hill.

Postcard correspondence is the new shorthand.

The only difference between a blue law and any other is its color.

Hopes Mars will have her houses in order when the Todds go up to look them over.

By the way, has that missing link, Crazy Snake,” been located yet?

The Gingles trick turned its operator $1500 and a free trip across under escort.

The wicked flea fleeth just a little fleeter than the fleeting man pursueth.

Farmers who fear the war game may turn into one of the shell variety are hereby assured that the shells will be blank.

That fire out in Jefferson which burned 10,000 tons of ice must have been a sort of hot apple pie and ice cream affair.

With golf, a masseur, a sculptor, mosquitoes and the nation’s business, he ought to be able to drop some of that 300 pounds.

Alarm is being felt over the scarcity of cedar. Now, if the office girls would stop chewing their pencils that would help some.

______

Vacation Note

Mr. and Mrs. Oyster, who have been enjoying a three months’ vacation at various watering places, will return to the city on or about Sept. 1. where their many friends will be delighted to see them.

______

A Warming Color

The Red Sox they are crawling up –

     Just what the wild fan loves;

The Nationals have got cold feet –

How would it do to put some neat

     New Red Sox on the Doves?

______

Bits of Philosophy

[Contributed.]

The surest way to reach success is to make a thorough study of the country one must travel before starting out.

The man who considers life as a school room, and his experiences the lessons to be mastered, will never wear the dunce’s cap,

Many a woman, in her keen pursuit of the ideal, passes by happiness every day with a cool, careless bow.

The career of a public man is often like a frolicsome path, which runs smoothly through the woods for a while, but soon begins to twist and turn and wind about, then suddenly plunges down the glade and is out of sight.

                                                     EDITH SHAW.

West Medford, Mass.

______

Speed in the Ring and Out

The men who make history with their fists, or rather the men who have made history in that way, continue to have the journalistic spotlight turned upon them one way and another. When there is nothing further to “talk” about then the automobile is brought into play for a few rounds. Jack Johnson, according to the papers, has been fined on various occasions for overspeeding, and now comes the only John L. in for his share. It would seem as though pugilists object to being outclassed both in the ring and on the road. If there was as much speed exhibited inside the ropes as on the highway the manly art wouldn’t be so slow as many of its admirers are beginning to charge it with being.

____________

Aug. 13, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

When Father Gets a Raise

 Ma says we can’t buy this an’ that

     We are so plaguey poor;

No use, she says, to imitate

     The neighbors live next door.

She says that pa has never earnt

     But small pay all his days;

She says he thinks that pretty soon

     He’s goin’ to get a raise.

Ma says the time is comin’ when

     We’ll have our proper sphere;

That we won’t always have to live

     Like we are livin’ here.

Ma says there’s goin’ to be a change,

     That we are goin’ to phase

The neighbors who’ve been stingin’ us,

When father gets a raise.

Ma says we’ll have some better clothes

     First thing, an’ then she’ll get

Some real lace curtains, after which

     A red plush parlor set.

She says she’s never had her rights

     In all her married days;

That she will just begin to live,

     When father gets his raise.

She’s goin’ to get some rats and puffs,

     And wear a pongee coat;

And have a string of beads hang down,

     And twice around the throat.

An’ sister’s goin’ to learn to play –

     “O, we will just amaze

The hull blame neighborhood,” says ma,

     “When father gets his raise.”

But pa, he’s quieter than ma,

     He don’t run on at all;

He smokes away, an’ tips his chair

     Ag’inst the kitchen wall.

One night when ma was runnin’ on

     Pa says, with anxious gaze,

“I wonder what they’ll be for me,

Suppose I git a raise?”

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Some folks wanter git to the top uv the ladder by turnin’ it upside down.”

______

Whales Growing in Trees

Burbank, the great fruit juggler, has been outdone; the wizard had been outwizzed. His wonderberry is a mere nothing compared with the latest accomplishment of Tacoma, Wash., that of growing fir-tree whales. Residents, browsing in the vicinity of Vashon island, recently found a water-logged fir tree leaning from the bank whose topmost branches were fruiting a large whale. The dispatch doesn’t state whether the whale was ripe enough to pick, or whether the fruit were numerous about the island, but it is believed by many that, if this fish story from Tacoma is true, whale growing can be made profitable, and all its old-time dangers eliminated. The owners of Vashon island are expecting to book large orders for their young whale-bearing fir trees.

______

Alive on the Ocean Wave

“Father, may I go out to sail

      In my new Hammond clipper?”

“Aye, aye,” said pa to Charlie Taft,

      “But not without a skipper.”

______

While She Is Away

A careful study of the masculine faces in the various eating places in town on any week day morning will tell you about how many good wives are off to the country. You will notice also that very few of them have any of the “hurrah” atmosphere about them. Brown sits at one side of the table with a face like a punctured tire. Green sits opposite, fighting the flies from his bald head with a newspaper. Brown says, “Home was never like this.” Green says, “If there was there wouldn’t be any, dog swat it!” (Eating begins in silence. Later: Finished in silence).

______

Rainy Weather

Our pessimistic friend, who is away on his vacation, has evidently found the country out of joint. He sends the following on a tragic-looking postcard: “It takes all kinds of people to make a world, and when you’ve got ‘em all together it isn’t half made.”

______

Bige Has Been There

Hank Stubbs – What most appeals to you when you’re in a big city, Bige?

Bige Miller – The fellers who want 10 cents fur a plate o’ beans.

______

The Autumn Hegira

(Contributed.)

Back from the fields and the forests,

     Back from the lakes and shore,

Back from the streams and the mountains,

     Homeward they’re rushing once more;

Bankers and brewers and brokers,

     Teachers and tutors and tramps,

Washers and waiters and writers,

Girlies and grandmas and gramps.

Actors and artists and anglers,

     Doctors and dentists and dudes,

Lawyers and lovers and loafers,

     Preachers and posers and prudes.

Look at their clothes and their faces!

     Where is their freshness and zest?

Gone to the winds – for vacation

     Brought every blessing – but rest!

     Mendon.               “JAC” LOWELL.

____________

Aug. 14, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Voices

Come out where rivulets run free

     And forest branches spread;

Come out beneath the pale blue sea

     And cloud ships overhead.

Come, lie and watch them drift along

     To isles beyond the blue,

The while the brooklet in its song

     Sings, “God and love are true.”

Come in the tangled forest deep,

     Where mosses cool invite

The weary soul to rest and sleep

     By day as well as night.

Come where the noiseless fairies meet

     Their revels to pursue;

Come where the birds sing low and sweet

     That “God and love are true.”

Come out into the star-lit night,

     Where nature fain would rest,

And see ten thousand signals bright

     Peep from her jeweled breast.

Come out and hear the evening breeze

     Whose voice is soothing, too,

Go whisp’ring through the swaying trees

     That “God and love are true.”

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“When you wanter go back to your ol’ home town it’s a good deal better to be met with a brass band than with a piece uv manila rope.”

______

Getting on in Life

(Hand-made Letters from a City-made Son the His Room-Mate)

COWFOOT FARM, Aug. 12, 1909.

Dear Phil – Your letter of regrets received in the same manner. Confidentially I feel that I ought to be in the swirling city adding something to the swirl. But what can one do with a pretty girl and an anxious father leagued against him? The answer is, “surrender,” of course. If I had known the Red Sox were going to make it seven straight I don’t believe that the arms of love even could have held me from the South end grounds. Those must have been great days for the hot air force! At one time I thought baseball was going the way of the horse car, but of late it seems to be knocking out a few home runs. Dad wants to know what is the matter with the Doves this year. He says, “they are either moultin’ or else they ain’t corn fed.”

Well, what do you think – the neighbors dropped in last evening to give me a little surprise party! The surprise end of it was a success, for none of us suspected it, not even aunt Patience, and dance in the kitchen, and he bribed the fiddler to play round dances mostly because he and Gladys were the only ones who could waltz. I’m not sore, Phil, not even tender, but for the sake of the others I think the waltzes should have been cut. But everybody appeared to have a good time, especially the guest of the occasion, so what more is there to be said? But leave it to yours truly not to be “surprised” a second time while rusticating with the rustics.

The next morning Gladys came to me and said: “I don’t want to go motoring with Dick Mason, but you are such a lovely chauffeur, dear, why don’t you borrow Dick’s car and take me out? You know you used to drive those big cars in the city, and I am sure Dick would let you take it. In fact I hinted at it last night, and he said, ‘why I didn’t know Brad could chauff.’ I know he’d be perfectly willing to let you take his car.  

Did you ever wish the earth would open and receive you into its peaceful crevices, Phil? That was my first experience, and all because I deceived her that time I was an elevator pilot. Well, it’s time for the rural delivery express, and sometimes he is fussy about waiting for people to finish their letters and hunt round for stamps.
Yours,                                                              BRAD.

______

How To Win

Play hard, play strong,

     Play clearly;

Play late, play long,

     Severely.

Play deep, play shrewd,

     Play brightly;

Play quick, play good,

     Play rightly.

Play bold, play fast,

     Play clever;

Play first, play last,

     Play ever.

______

Pavement Philosophy

If wishes were airships, where would the sunshine be?

If two should get it, it wouldn’t be a bargain,

It is but a step from the joy ride to one in the hearse.

Castles in the air may follow the perfecting of the airships.

The world is never sure of the man who can take it or let it alone.

If we’ve ever got to be handled with gloves on, we prefer boxing gloves.

The man with the poorest insight is the one most apt to stand in his own light.

A man can be arrested for carrying concealed weapons, but nothing is said about radium.

One swallow doesn’t make a summer, but a flock of them make business for the patrol bird cage.

______

A Good Repeater

Beacon – There is more history than mystery in Pennsy’s stories.

Hill – How so?

Beacon – Notice how he repeats himself?

____________

Aug. 15, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Our Next Move

She used to warble every night

     When she returned from town;

And though ‘twere summertime we had

     To put our windows down.

She was an operatic star,

     Though faintly did she shine;

And finally she went away,

     And peace once more was mine.

That was two months ago, and now

     Again we’re feeling glum;

Cheer up, kind friends, we promise you

     The worst is yet to come.

She’s had a dozen of her songs

     Put onto records; say!

Her folks have got a phonograph

     And play ‘em night and day!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“When you feel like kickin’ somebuddy you’d better turn aroun’ an’ try it on yourself, ‘cuz you may need it more than the other feller does.”

______

The A. P. H.

The American Press Humorists will hold their annual convention in Buffalo Sept. 6 to 11. Your Uncle Ezra, with his carpet bag, will be there to chaperon the young and unruly members. It is said a prize will be offered for the best joke on the buffalo; the animal, not the city. Ted Robinson of the Cleveland Leader says he’ll be there with cap and bells on. We hope cap and bells is not a new name for “beaut.”

______

Street Primer

Here comes the Oyster!

Isn’t he looking Well after his vacation? He has been at the seaside rusticating and growing fat for his winter’s campaign. He has not cared to Mix with the summer folks very much, consequently has kept pretty well in his shell. Having been advised to take the Rest cure, he has been in his Bed since the first of June.

Now he comes, with an Open countenance, to give his friends a Taste of his experience as a deep sea dweller. It is said the Oyster talks not, neither doth he spin. This is untrue; the Oyster spins eloquently, but from the inside. He is also an ambitious worker. Put him at the Bottom of a pot of hot water and he will soon rise to the Top.

Alas, that poor Oyster should come to the city! To think that he would leave the Silence he so loves and come to the noisy world which so annoys him! Here he will be Drawn out of his Shell and Drowned in a Cocktail or Battered around by some unfeeling Cook. He will be continually kept in a Stew, and will be lucky if he doesn’t get a royal Roast.

(P.S. Next to the Clam, the Oyster is said to be the most silent Being on earth. These two birds of the sea may be lacking in Intellect, but they have Qualities not found in many Politicians and Prizefighters. The expression “Don’t be a clam” is sometimes very much out of the Wet.)

______

To “Sister Kate”

Dear “Summer Boarder” of Ashburnham,

          We thank you kindly for you message;

As well as for your clever cartoon,

          And express ourselves in the expressage.

______

Cheerful Comment

Three new theatres in Boston the coming season? It has been a long time since a church went up in the Hub.

That Chicago man who will not admit that his Sundays belong to his wife, and who is being sued for divorce therefore, most likely bases his defence on the grounds that she insists on his going to church.

______

Looking for Trouble

“Harold,” she said, soothingly, “what you ask is impossible.”

“Well,” said Harold, dejectedly, “my friends were right after all.”

“How so?” she asked, curiously.

“When I spoke to them about you they raised their hands and said, ‘What, her? O, she’s impossible, impossible!’ At that time I didn’t know what they meant, but of course now I do,” and Harold turned and drummed mournfully on the window pane.

Bits of Philosophy

(Contributed.)

Too constant introspection encourages repression.

There is no good in constantly dwelling on the impossible.

A man may prove much more interesting than his appearance might lead one to believe.

It is well once in a while to examine our blessings under a microscope and profit thereby.

Even in the moments of greatest happiness there is often an undercurrent of pain and misgiving.

It is strange that the man who says he never allows himself to become angry or offended is the first to get sulky and stubborn during an argument.

West Medford.                              EDITH SHAW.

______

How About This?

“Mrs. Hyler says her husband is a perfect man.”

“Huh! You know what people say about perfect men as a rule.”

______

Another Improvement Suggested

Our pessimistic friend, who is a writer, dropped in long enough to day that a six-foot bookshelf would hold a couple more volumes if the whole thing were done in paper covers. We promised him the idea should have immediate circulation.

____________

Aug. 16, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Da Banda Concert

I like for tak’ my gooda wife

     On Sunday by da hand,

An’ go to Common in da shade,

     An’ leeson to da band.

She lika music vera mooch,

     I like heem playuta wal;

My leetla boy he like heem too,

     An’ so my leetla gal.

Da ‘Mericana band so sweet

     W’en he play soft an’ low;

I lika ol’ plantation song,

     Da “Swanee, Ol’ Black Joe.”

Bimeby he play heem up so smart,

     Som’ march like “Yankee Dood’,”

An’ beeg crowd he jost joomp for joy,

Baycause he feel so good.

Den com’ da tune by Dago man,

     We hear in Eetaly;

I turn for see my gooda wife

     Wipe beeg tear from her eye.

An’ den I squeeze her han’ an’ say:

     “You want for Eet’ly shore?”

“O, no,” she say, “but mak’ me cry

     For hear dat piece once more.”

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Pussonal appearunces caount fir a good deal, even on a mule.”

______

The Reds, Whites and Blues

“Let’s see,” said the man who likes to figure, “this invading army is red, isn’t it?”

“That’s the lay-out, I believe,” said the man opposed to either war or peace.

“And the army of defence is blue?”

“So I’ve seen in the papers.”

“Um-m, reds and blues; II see. But say, where do the whites come in?”

“O, they’re at home, working to pay the bills,” said the man who believes war of any kind is what Sherman said it was.

______

Cheerful Comment

Food to be cheaper and more of it.

Will the war game rooters want to kill the umpire?

And now they have a collar button that can’t roll away, Husbands ought to be glad; wives more so.

The high-fliers of all nations are gathering at Rheims, France. Some will soar, and some will be sore.

There’s a mistake: Mr. Armour’s $4,000,000 house is called “his residence.” “Cottage” is the proper word.

Have you returned from your vacation, and if you have, how many summer girls did you save in the shoal water?

Everybody isn’t smiling over the 20-hour train. Some folk hereabouts think Chicago was already near enough to Boston.

John T. McCutcheon, the Chicago cartoonist, has gone to East Africa to shoot wild animals with his pencil Now there’s a happy way to kill and be killed.

A prominent scientist says the blondes will be the criminals of the future. Now there will be a grand scramble to get some of the original colors back again.

An authority figures that $240,000,000 worth of automobiles will be purchased by Americans next year. When those, with what we already have, are put in operation we will be going some.

______

A Different Point of View

Fair admirer – Do you know, Mr. Dipp, I just love to read your verses, there’s so much in them.

Poor poets (sighing) – I wish I could see some of it!

______

Theoretical War

[Contributed.]

In years gone by ‘twas Blue and Gray

     That suffered, fought and bled;

But in the War they fight today

     They’re known as Blue and Red.

Now as they march through the highway

     They’re ordered to deploy;

“Not here!” they hear the farmer say,

     “My crops you will destroy.”

And when the bugle sounds retreat,

     They’re very much annoyed,

For here’s a sign in letters neat:

     “This bridge has been destroyed.”

Then after each day’s weary tramp,

     Still whole, but some footsore,

They’ll rest at night in peaceful camp,

     While umpires tot the score.

Whate’er we learn from this war act,

     (For ‘tis a great event)

There’ll be no doubt of this one fact –

     Five hundred thousand spent!

  Dorchester.           H.E. FENTON.

______

Aye, How Deep!

“After all, these passing pleasures are pretty shallow affairs.”

“And still, sometimes we have to dig deep for them.”

______

Note on Aviation

The man whose airship refuses to leave its safe anchorage can take a lot of comfort in the thought that, “Well, we weren’t cut out for birds, anyway.”

____________

Aug. 17, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Good Control

You’ll notice in the game of ball,

     To which the nation flocks,

Success depends a lot upon

     The man out in the box.

He is the pitcher, who in turn,

     To make his highest goal,

Depends upon his deadly grip,

     Or rather his control.

He often has a weak support,

     The fielding leg is lame;

He has to stand the jeer and gibe

     Throughout the stirring game.

He has to work his brain and nerve

     To pull them from the hole;

In other words, to save the day,

     He has to have control.

Out in the broader fields of life

     It is the very same;

You’re in the box, the multitude

     Watch you all through the game.

You’re taunted by the other side,

     Your backing bars the goal;

To win the pennant of success

     You’ve got to have control.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Sometimes it looks ez though the wicked man wuz prosperin’, but he is on’y bein’ lifted up higher so’s the drop will be all the harder.”

______

Getting on in Life

(Hand-made Letters from a City-made Son to His City-made Room-mate)

                        COWFOOT FARM, Aug. 15, 1909.

Dear Phil: This is really and truly my “last and farewell” message from Cowfoot this season. With this I am through with the farewell business, leaving it with Bernhardt and Anna Held, and any others who care to experiment with it. Gladinette and I leave for the gay and festive metropolis day after tomorrow, much to the regret of all concerned, excepting number four; that’s me. If business in town wasn’t so urgent I would like to stay over and help dad through his cider-making. That is one phase of farmwork that I really like. Of course, dad, the hired hand and the horse do the most of the work; that is, the laborious part of it, while I do the intellectual. I usually see to the testing, or sampling, which is, of course, important in its way. It is a pleasant and tasty occupation, and I shall sorely miss it this year.

You never saw any cider-making, did you, Phil, except at the food fair? Well, that’s a good deal like a yacht race on the Frog Pond. Dad has a big crop of apples this year and, of course, the cider crop will be proportionately large. Dad says he doesn’t care for cider as a beverage, but as an addition – to mince pies. He says all the cider he drinks won’t hurt anybody, and Aunt Patience says, “anybody else.” Aunt Patience isn’t always asleep, although most of the time you would think she was in a trance. She says that nobody under 25 knows their own minds. I asked her if she always thought that. She said, “No, but she had for some time.”

Before I close I must tell you about Gladinette’s burglar, though I know she won’t be over pleased to have the story circulated. She sleeps on the ground floor in a small room off the parlor. Yesterday morning, about daybreak, she ran screaming out of her room and up the stairs to Aunt Patience’s boudoir. She declared a burglar had forced her window and was then in her room. She heard him push the screen in and saw his form coming through the window. Instantly the house was up in arms, and the round-up began, dad taking the outside trail and I the inside. He took his shotgun, and I my revolver, while Aunt Patience held Gladys in a chair by main strength. Cautiously we descended, and as we neared the bedroom door we heard a distinct noise. Dad was to guard the window on the outside, and I the door on the inside. In that way escape for the intruder would be impossible. The next moment I heard a series of whacks, and a, “Get out of here, you ol’ rascal!” and the sound of retreating horse’s hoofs across the front lawn. Dad came in laughing to beat the orchestra.  Old Bill, the horse, had been turned loose the night before to feed in the yard, and becoming weary of eating, had shoved his nose through the parlor bedroom window, looking for the hand that fed him sugar the day before!

Dad said, to ease her mind, he’d tie old Bill up the next night, also the Tom turkey. The poor girl said she never had so much excitement in all her city life as she’s had these three weeks in the country. I told her all farms are not as lively as “Cowfoot,” which is true, for lots of them have no Gladinettes on them.                        “BRAD”

______

The Barefooted Kicker

The glad summer season already is waning,

The poor summer landlord, of course, is complaining;

Vacations now to a quiet end are coming,

Stores and factories soon will be humming.

But nobody dreads the autumnal season

Unless he’s possessed of an excellent reason;

Nobody kicks at September’s returning

Except the small boy, who shies at his learning.

______

The Query Box

Thelma – The best way to a man’s heart is to play for it.

Jeff – When you’ve got a title keep it, or let it go.

Scully – Your jokosity is rather far-brought; what has ice cream cone got to do with us, anyhow?

Katherine – We didn’t know there were so many good “Sister Kates,” or we would have written that poem years ago.

____________

Aug. 18, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

When Father Starts to Grind

Now father ain’t a sissor man

     Who wakes that dismal yell:

“Sissor to grind, sissor to grind!”

     An’ rings a little bell.

Nor does he play in instrument,

     The hurdy-gurdy kind;

But this is jest the time o’ year

     When father starts to grind.

Pa he ain’t grindin’ corn or wheat,

     Nor grindin’ uv the poor;

But he is grindin’ jest the same,

     Uv that I’m sartin sure.

Becuz I’m allus on the job,

     I’m never left behind

When windfall apples hit the ground,

     An’ father starts to grind.

When father grinds it’s in a place

     Jest underneath the hill;

It’s one o’ them low-roofed affairs

     Known ez a cider mill.

The ol’ hoss, too, is on his job,

     So gentle an’ so kind;

He jest walks round an’ round the track,

     When father starts to grind.

I’m busy feedin’ apples in,

     But now an’ then I go

Down to the tub an’ hold a straw

     Where golden juices flow.

I do not care to be away –

     More fun right there I find;

E’en fishin’ hez to be put off

     When father starts to grind.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“It ain’t surprisin’ sometimes thet a man goes buggy arter hevin’ so many fleas put in his ear by well meanin’ frien’s.”

______

Bige Miller Says:

“I may be a bit ol’ fashioned,

     Guess like enough I be;

But to know where a feller’s goin’

     Is a fust rate idee.

Don’t git me in no flyin’ machines,

     Nur autos, no sir-ee;

Them flyin’ hosses I’ve rid on

     Is fast enough fur me.”

______

The New Hen

That Maryland woman who is raising one-legged chickens, so they won’t be able to scratch up the neighbor’s garden, is doing lots of good as far as it goes, but that by no means will wipe out the evil entirely. She is, however, to be commended for her effort, and if she succeeds but partially in stopping the perpetual motion of the hen family, she will have accomplished more good than a thousand suffragette conventions. The hen is a very resourceful creature, however. She can travel long distances and quickly on one leg. She can sit down and do a large amount of scratching with one foot. In all probability the Maryland woman’s product won’t lessen the amount of scratching very much, it will merely make it of longer duration. The hen will have to scratch double the amount of time to get the desired result. What is needed most of all is a sort of Keely Institute where hens may be treated and the desire for scratching taken away.

______

The Common Version

(Contributed)

They say that “the life of American men

 Is to play with their money, to spend and to bet it”;

But most of “us commonplace folks” are convinced

 That the principal game of the day is to GET it.

                                                      J. L. Mendon

______

Cheerful Comment

Noo Yawk had a big bawth.

Are you harboring any spies in your house?

The human woodchucks are undermining Cambridge.

Bread and mild lingers in the lap of the buckwheat cake.

At least we’ve had our face washed – meaning Boston.

The strike of the Beverly sisters won’t last very long.

Evidently Weston, the walker, wants to die in the harness.

When you watch some people move you wonder how they ever get by.

Glenn Curtiss has lots of that American “up boys and at ‘em” spirit.

Sometimes it seems as though a popular song will never become unpopular, but it always does.

In eating green corn do the teeth go round the cob, or does the cob revolve past the teeth?

Don Jaime appears to think pretty well of the present Spanish government, or is he pretending?

If neither Boston authors nor doctors are going to celebrate the centennial anniversary of Oliver Wendell Holmes, why don’t the breakfast people do it?

____________

Aug, 19, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Fall of Boston

(with apologies to the beloved author of Barbara Freitchie.)

Up from the meadows green with corn,

Clear in the muggy August morn,

A dozen Blues inpatient stand

Corralled by the Reds’ strategic band.

Round about them soldiers tread,

Proud of their battle flags of red;

Fair as the conquerors of old

To the eyes of the ladies who behold.

Up the street came the Blues a-tread,

General Pew still riding ahead;

Under his slouched hat left and right

He glanced; the captured met his sight.

“Halt!” The khaki ranks stood fast;

“Fire!” Outblazed the rifle blast.

Ten thousand Reds then bit the dust,

Wishing ‘twere pie with but one crust.

Quick as they fell they rose again,

And covered the crimson-tinted men;

“Now it’s our turn to shoot at you,

So drop!” said they to General Pew.

Then up rose gallant General Bliss

With a command which sounded like this:

“Shoot if you must, these men in red,

But spare the farmers’ cows!” he said.

A blush of sadness, a flush of shame

Over the face of that leader came;

“Who touches a squash or tomato red

Dies like a dog! March on!” he said.

All day long through fields of green

Sounded the honk of the war machine;

All day long the war balloon

Sailed away in search of the moon.

Over each mimic soldier’s grave

Let wheat and corn and onions wave;

And through the hill-gaps sunset light

Send wirelessgrams to stop the fight.

The days of the mimic war are o’er,

And the soldier rides on his raids no more;

All honor to him and let a tear

Of joy well forth “because we’re here.”

And ever the stars above look down

On captured and ransacked Boston town.

And list my children, and hear the news

Of the awful war of the Reds and Blues.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“”Money don’t talk ha’f so much ez them who ain’t got any.”

______

Un-melancholic Quakers

Philadelphians have something to be proud of besides their activity. They can indulge in watermelon diet three times a day and still be able to save money. Last Saturday about 187,000 watermelons in excess of the demand arrived there, and the best specimens went as low as five cents apiece. Evidently the drouth did not strike the watermelon belt. With melons at that price it would pay New England farmers to purchase a few thousands of carloads for irrigation purposes.

______

The Returned Hero

Just before the battle, mother,

     I was anxious for the fight;

Now I think I’ve wasted powder,

     And my person is a sight.

How you must have worried, mother,

     When I numbered with the slain;

But you’re tickled, ain’t you mother

     That I’m safely home again?

______

The Query Box

Dear Jocosity: When a property owner’s bush or tree hangs so low over the sidewalk that it brushes off people’s hats, can pedestrians ask the owner to have the branches removed? – Sufferer. Certainly they can. They can ask the owner to have the whole tree removed and an ice water fountain put in in its stead. Whether said owner would consent to do it is another narrative.

______

War Notes

(By Wireless from the Front.)

A Blissful ending.

“We regret to state,” – Gen. Pew.

There should be a good sale of the War Cry.

Were you on the firing line, and did you lose your job?

David Belasco could have produced a more realistic climax.

Don’t cross your bridges till you come to ‘em, but after you cross ‘em blow ‘em up.

It won’t be much trouble to raise the wind to raise a battleship that is sunk theoretically.

The farmers along the battle line are glad that Gen. Grant’s famous utterance wasn’t carried out this time.

Now let the swords and muskets be melted into ploughshares and automobile engines.

____________

Aug. 20, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Vacationist

Out from the city’s smoke and grime,

Out from the seven story climb,

Out from the office, dark and small,

Out from the crowded human stall,

Out from the city’s stress and strain,

Into the woods and the fields of grain;

Out where the wood nymphs frisk and play,

He collars his grip and goes today.

A smile on his face six inches wide,

A heart all ready to burst inside;

A vision of rest before his eye,

A laugh as he bids the town good-by.

A dream of peace, and a sight of fish,

This is his dearest and fondest wish;

The night shuts down and he goes to bed,

With the world and all beneath his head.

          (One Week Later)

The weather’s been dry and the fields are brown,

The other boarders have gone to town;

The days are too hot, the fish won’t bite,

Mosquitoes and hoot-owls disturb his night.

He’s lonesome and weary, and sick of it all,

And longs to get back to his old box stall.

The smoke of the city, the sounds that rise,

To most sojourners are paradise!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“When a man finds fault becuz a neighbor blows his own horn it is probberly becuz he ain’t got any horn uv his own, or else it’s aout uv repair.”

______

A Midnight “Sail Ho!”

In reporting the mysterious flight of an airship over Fisher’s Island a few night ago the writer, after describing the machine at some length, concluded as follows: “In the centre of the aeroplane could be seen two dark figures, but the observers could not tell whether they were men.” Now is it possible that dogs or horses, and perhaps goats, are piloting airships promiscuously over our heads at night, while we are snugly nestling in the arms of sleep? If so we must know who is passing out the licenses.

______

Cheerful Comment

Seven West Pointers lost in the haze!

Here’s hoping Walter will return a Wellman.

Orville and Wilbur think they have a right to their rights.

Isn’t it time for some one to discover a radium mine and issue stock?

Winning a game is almost enough to cause the Doves to fall off of their perch.

Are you saving up a few hundreds of Indian head pennies for future speculation?

In some places the “Sight Seeing Auto” might well be called the Gossip Conveyance.”

Niagara Falls and the English channel are two places that won’t allow themselves to become popular bathing resorts.

______

War Talk

Said General Bliss

     To General Pew:

“I guess your ranks

     Feel pretty Blue.”

Said General Pew

     To General Bliss:

“Reds, fade away,

     The Blues have this.”

______

News from the Bear-Front

The Reds and Blues both were fast colors when a shower was approaching.

The boys say war is what Sherman said it was, with this added on the end: “Of a good time.”

Theoretically it was a great fight, but theory won’t pay for all the bridges that were blown up or the warships that were sunk. Cruel, cruel.

A Winchester man who didn’t arrive home till 2 in the morning explained to his wife that he was held prisoner by the defending army. It is well the war is over.

______

They’ll Both Be There

(Contributed.)

We’re a people given to bustling,

          And we’re always on the go;

We are happiest when hustling,

          And our fastest is too slow.

It is always hurry, scurry,

          ‘Neath the flag of stars and bars.

But we’re happy in our worry,

          And don’t itch for foreign wars.

The soldier and the sailor

          With us are somewhat rare;

But let there come a trouble,

          And you’ll find we’ll both be there.

It is well to keep Old Glory

          High above the Navy-yard,

There to tell the same old story,

          That we mean our rights to guard.

And ‘tis well to keep it waving

          High above the barrack square,

Just to satisfy the craving

          For glad freedom’s native air.

(The soldier and the sailor, etc.)

Some are in the fact’ry working,

          Some are toiling on the farm;

Some are in the city clerking,

          Many on the railroad swarm.

But each one will leave his labor

          Should the flag receive a slight;

And for Fatherland and neighbor

          Will all-conqueringly fight.

(The soldier and the sailor, etc.)

          Melrose                T. FARDON.

____________

Aug. 21, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

To Gungawamp

O, come with me to Gungawamp,

     The fairest spot I know;

Where lilies bloom and shed perfume,

     And crystal waters flow.

Where skies of blue are mirrored clear

     Within the placid stream;

Where painters sketch and poets stretch

     And loaf and love and dream.

Aye, come with me to Gungawamp

     And seek her cooling shade;

With pipe and book, and silent nook,

     Which none but God has made.

No artificial growth is there,

     Just nature wild and free;

The hand of God has laid the sod,

     And set each bush and tree.

Aye, come with me to “Lizzard Crick,”

     The stream of olden days;

Where fishes wait a tempting bait

     Within its sheltered bays.

Where oak and hemlock overhang

Its rock and fern-lined shore;

And tie our boat or idly float

It’s winding ways once more.

O, Gungawamp, fair Gungawamp,

     Rest for a weary heart!

Up, up afar from clang of car

     And roar of busy mart.

We throw ourselves down at your feet,

     And offer you our best;

And all we ask is naught of task,

     But solitude and rest!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“A man ain’t ha’f so apt to hide his light under a bushel ez he is to hide somethin’ thet won’t stan’ the light.”

______

Bits of Philosophy

(Contributed.)

What is so full of sound as a still, moonlight night!

There are things we fight against, believing when we come into the sudden knowledge of them.

There are many differences of meaning expressed by the way in which a man exclaims, “O, well!”

It is wonderful how quickly time dissolves the feelings of anger and disappointment which at one time threaten to consume one.

It would seem that happiness should be a heritage to all mankind, and that things are woefully twisted somehow that it is not so; yet if it were not for sorrow and disappointment we would not appreciate happiness, even if it were ours abundantly.            EDITH SHAW.

West Medford.

______

Getting On in Life

(Hand-made Letters from a City-made Son to His Home-made Father.)

Dear Dad: You insisted I should write you how Gladinette stood the trip, and how she arrived home, and if she was fatigued, and if her hat was on straight, etc., so I suppose it is up to me to give all the details, minute and otherwise. You used to be concerned about me, but that was before Gladinette crossed your path. Well, I don’t blame you, dad; I have been considerably different since she crossed my path. She stood the trip very nicely and was as fresh as a first year student when she arrived home. Her mother was glad to see her, if outside appearances count for anything.

Dick Mason was on the train and rode with us as far as the next town, where he got off. He took particular pains to be agreeable, and tried to worm Glady’s address from her. The little lady was on her position, however, and told him it was 23, Charles river. I don’t see what students want to come breaking in where they are not wanted for anyway. He tried to hand it to her that he and I were great friends, when as a matter of fact, he hadn’t spoken to me till the night of the party, since I walloped him front of the high school four years ago. I asked him if he remembered the occasion of our last meeting, and he said, “Yes, it was in a beer garden in the South end.” If Gladinette hadn’t been present there would have been something exchanged besides compliments.

Well, I found my job waiting for me, and the boss good natured. I put on a bold exterior when I approached him, but my interior was nearly out of fuel. I couldn’t understand about that extra week he gave me. When I asked him about it he said, “My son, if there is anything in the world I hate to do it is to pull a boy off the farm. I hope to live on one again some day, and I hope you will.” If I felt choked before, I felt more so then. I thanked him and went on with my work, and I made up my mind then and there that some of the things the fellows in the office said about the “old man” weren’t so.

Was Phil tickled to see me? The question is carried. Poor kid; I feel sorry for him. His father has a little farm also, but it doesn’t do Phil much good as a summer resort, it being a few miles north of London, England. Phil is a good fellow even if his ancestors did try to make themselves disagreeable at Bunker Hill. We used to argue the matter, but it always cost so much to draw up the terms of peace that we agreed to leave the subject in the hands of the English historians and Fourth of July orators.

We have been in the midst of a terrific struggle between the Reds and the Blues the past week, and but for the timely interference of a few Suffragettes in citizens’ clothes our city might have been captured. The Reds claimed that they captured more stores than the Blues did, but the Blues claim if that is so it is only because the Reds saw then first. The long continued drought, of course, made it bad for both armies, as the marching dust is very trying to the windpipe. It’s a good thing for you, dad, they didn’t run across your cider mill and take it prisoner. All is fair in love and war, you know, even if it is only make believe.

______

The Old and the New

No more the servant goes on high

     By pouring kerosene

Into the kitchen heated stove,

     She’s grown too wise, I ween.

‘Tis now the mistress when her gloves

     She starteth in to clean;

Puff! And she takes a voyage by

     The route of gasoline.

____________

Aug. 22, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Be Alive

The Age of Sleep has come and gone

     Into the Far Away;

There is no time to sit and Dream

     ‘Twixt dawn and close of day.

Each one must be a Busy Bee

     In all the human Hive;

To get the Plum upon the tree

     You’ve got to be Alive.

Dead ones are Dead, aye, more than Dead,

     In days so Wide Awake;

The sage beside the Lone Highway

     Is laughed at as a Fake.

The Dreamer now is but a Drone

     And driven from the Hive;

If you would not be left Alone

     You’ve got to be Alive.

Wake up. The Call comes swift and clear

     From Factory and Mart;

The Early Bird has taught you well

     To get an early Start.

Dream if you will, Dream if you must,

     But if you fain would Thrive,

You’ve got to Hammer at the Forge,

     You’ve got to be Alive.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Sometimes the biggest tud in the puddle is the fust one to git snaked out.”

______

Fooling the Hen

Some smart rooster down in Ringtown, Pa., has got an idea under his comb that he can fool a hen into thinking there are three or four days in one, thereby multiplying her output of egg fruit three of four fold. He proposes to keep his hens in a dark room then at different periods of the day flash a powerful electric light on them thereby making them think it is daybreak and time for a dropped egg. Of all the bunco games we have ever heard of this takes the whole henyard. Probably they base their theory on the fact that the ordinary rooster is easily fooled into believing that morn has arrived. If he sees the moon coming over the tops of the trees, or an automobile light coming around a distant bend, he begins crowing lustily, tell his rivals over on the next place that day has come and he has been the first to discover it.

However, any one who is familiar with the hen business knows that the rooster can be fooled three times to the hen’s once. You don’t see the hen getting down to scratch when the moon comes over the hill; not much. She winks her other eye, gives the rooster a dig in his ribs and tells him to forget it. It is a very pretty theory, but we doubt its practicability. What with the scratching she has to do and the shooing she gets, to say nothing of the laying and setting, the average hen is overworked already. We don’t believe this foul practice should be allowed. If there is a shortage of eggs in Ringtown let her farmers go to raising egg plants and not try to force the hens who, no doubt, are doing their level best anyhow.

_______

A Poor Traveller

Hank Stubbs – Amos Green says ez how he allus pays ez he goes.

Bige Miller – Waal, ef you’ll notice, Ame’s chair-bound most uv the time.

______

Magazine Work

(The appeal.)

Dear Editor: I’d like to do

       Work for your magazine;

I’ve wrote in verse to show you that

       In such I am not green.

I can do stories just as well,

       In fact, most anything;

If you would like to try me on,

       Just let me know the string.

(The answer.)

Dear sir: You say you’d like to work

       Upon our magazine?

Then hustle out and get some “subs,”

       ‘Twould help us most, I ween.

Enclosed find blanks, which are for “prose,”

       Don’t worry o’er the verse;

We answer, too, in rhyme, to show

       That we are not so worse.

______

“A” Was an Auto

(Contributed.)

A was an auto

B bought it;

C cleaned it;

D damned it;

E earned it;

F fought for it;

G got it;

H honked it;

I inverted it;

J jerked it;

K Kicked it;

L longed for it;

M mourned for it;

N numbered it;

O oiled it;

P punctured it;

Q queered it;

R righted it;

S stole it;

T took it; U used it;

V vacated it;

W whizzed it –

      and

X, Y, Z took the ambulance!

                “JAC” LOWELL.

              Mendon.

______

Light And Shade

That love shines brightly in a cot

     There isn’t any doubt;

But when good kerosene they’ve not

     Of course the light goes out.

The same in mansions big and fair,

     The light of love is lost,

And all is gloom and darkness there,

     Whene’er the wires are crossed.

____________

Aug. 23, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

P. P. P.

Patience is a thing you need,

     Patience, pride an’ pluck;

Little’s got in this here world

     Jest by bull-head luck.

Keep the three “P’s” in your mind,

     Speshly if you’re stuck;

They hev won a lot o’ scraps,

     Patience, pride an’ pluck.

Pride will keep you on a plane

     High above the muck;

You kin see, in lookin’ down,

     Things thet distance luck.

Patience hez the better chance

     When it’s nip an’ tuck;

It’s the triplet uv the two

     Brothers pride an’ pluck.

Pluck you need the most uv all,

     To misfortune buck;

With the three you must succeed,

     Patience, pride an’ pluck.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“The road to firtune ain’t gen’ly over the big, graded boolevard. It’s more apt to be a rough road, up an’ down hill, with lots uv thank-you-marms.”

______

Newfood

Mary had a little lamb,

     Potato and a bean;

Out of which she conjured up

     A meal for seventeen.

How she could do it, so she stated,

Was that the stuff was concentrated.

______

The “Gazette” Strikes Back

The following clipped from the “Gungawamp Gazette,” is self-explanatory, and has its own excuse for being, whatever it may be:

“To our subscribers and other readers: We don’t purpose to let go unnoticed the following insult heaped upon us last week by a certain would-be paper located not more than 100 miles from our doors. It may not be necessary to mention names, but so there will be no misunderstanding or confusion, we will say that the mere sheet from which these few, but venomous, words that follow are taken are from the alleged editorial columns of the ‘Gungawamp Advocate,’ a local paper of more or less reputation:

“‘We are upholders of the national game all right, but we have too much to do, and we regard the comforts and demands of our esteemed constituents too highly to shut up our entire plant, as does our respected contemporary, every time there is a ball game in town. Nuff ced.’

“On the surface the above reads all right, perhaps, but it is between the lines that we have affixed our editorial optics. It has been a long time since we have taken up our editorial pen against our esteemed contemporary. We have stood slight and slur, insult and calumny, till it seemed as if our forgiving spirit would burst its suspender buttons, hoping the measly sheet mentioned would either die a natural death or become civilized as is relevant to 20^th century journalism. But the old sting is there when the grass gets tall, and the reptile must ever be met with its own weapons.

“We admit that on Saturday of last week the Gazette closed its doors and took its entire force to the local ball game. We also admit that it was nobody’s business but our own, but if explanations are in order, or rather demanded, we have them good and plenty. In the first place, we assert that we showed a public spirit never exhibited by any other paper in this immediate vicinity. ‘Live and let live’ has long been our motto, as can be seen at the head of any issue of our respected journal. We believe in patronizing home industry, even to foregoing the pleasure of sitting in our editorial chair throughout a long and sultry August afternoon.

“In the second place, the local team has long been kind enough to patronize the ‘Gazette’ office with its printing, and as the boys are having a hard struggle, not only to keep out of last place, but also to pay for their printing, we thought we would lessen their bill the amount of $1 by taking four tickets to the game. We call this fair and commendable, not only augmenting the attendance at the grounds, and elevating its moral tone, but in helping the boys out financially. We don’t beat our way into the games with the promise of a ‘write-up’ and then the following week deliver a ‘roast,’ as has been done many times in other columns than ours.

“Thirdly, and lastly, we decline to say anything that will pave the way toward a lawsuit. We pity the weak and know whereof we speak when we say that the blackmailing sheet in question has troubles enough of its own without any outside diversion. We have long contemplated scooping up the entire outfit (mechanical) of the ‘Advocate’ and adding it to our junk pile in the back yard, but, as before mentioned, our motto is ‘Live and let live,’ and we’re going to stick to this noble position as long as we can consistently."

____________

Aug. 24, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Da Safety Raz’

I had a gooda customer,

     Com’ t’ree time week for shave;

Bimeby he gatta een hees head

     Idea for wanta save.

“Can’t pay for shave t’ree time a week,”

     One day to me he says;

“Dis week w’en pay day com’ I gat

     For me da safety raz’.”

He no com’ een my shop I theenk

     For one week, maybee two;

I theenk perhap’ I losa heem,

     For w’ich I hata do,

Baycause da barber beeziness

     Een summer time ees bum;

Da people off on da vacash’

     An’ no for shava come.

One day my customer com’ een

     An’ taka heesa chair;

Hees face look like scratch weeth cat,

     An’ scratch you call “for fair.”

Bayfore I speak for heem he say:

     “Don’ ask, for eef you do,

I breeng da safety raz’ een here

     An’ try for shava you!”

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“The av’rige man misses a hull lot in life ef he misses too much or too little.”

______

Pavement Philosophy

In times of peace prepare for keeping it.

The Lord helps those who help others also.

Eating chocolates never made a sour person sweet.

Some folks say it was a con game on the con-sumer.

The ladder of success has become unsafe from such persistent crowding.

Because the average man doesn’t have the last word isn’t the man’s fault,

A bird in the hand being worth two in the bush depends upon the bird, also upon the hand.

Perhaps a certain man you are thinking of knows enough to go in when it rains, but maybe he doesn’t want to.

Some people say there’s no use trying to teach old dogs new tricks because there are always enough young ones coming along.

You laugh sometimes when you see a woman leading a dog by a string, still you have no wish to exchange places with the dog.

______

Behind Her Fan

The summer girl is coming back from mountain and from shore; she has upon her hunting rack a dozen hearts or more. She is a hunter of repute, and deadly is her aim; the summer girl can fish and shoot and always land her game. She stalks not in the forest deep, to beat the bush like man; she swings her hammock, half asleep, and hunts behind her fan. A lawless hunter, woman fair, no season closed for her; twelve months each year with skill and care she hunts without demur. With every heart she makes a scratch upon her weapon stock; each year the record of her catch would give the world a shock. She uses neither gun nor spear, nor needs a hunter’s van; she stalks her unsuspecting deer behind her magic fan.

______

Quatrains

(Contributed.)

LIFE

What is life? Brief tears, brief smiling,

Brief action man to rest beguiling;

Brief war of passion-wasting breath,

Brief contradictions breeding death.

COMPASSION

A world of sorrow would be a world unkind;

‘Tis human sorrow purifies the mind,

Unselfs the heart and bids the soul to live,

Immortal in its purest bliss – to give.

THE MIRROR

Time, like the mirror of a restless stream,

From eternity to eternity runs on,

Wherein the race of man, swift as a dream,

Beholds its face, once only, and is gone.

Somerville.                        H. A. KENDALL.

______

Peck Hit It

Mrs. 'Peck – I don’t know what we’ll do to keep our provisions cool now; ice is so high we can’t afford to take any more.

Mr. Peck – Now looky here, Mary, just put your stuff in the furnace. If it’s as cold now as it was last winter, you don’t need to worry anything about the scarcity of ice.

______

Ruby and Ruben

A country lover to a maid

     In town did send this line:

“Sweetheart, I would that I could press

     Those Ruby lips of thine.”

To which the maiden did reply,

     Sarcasm in the line:

“I’m sorry, sir, but you’ll ne’er press

     Your Rube-y lips to mine.”

____________

Aug. 25, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Big Fish

“The big ones they are hard to git,”

     My father used to say;

“They don’t swim in shallers, boy,

     They’re deep down in the bay.

Now if you wanter ketch big fish,

     Jest get a decent pole,

An’ decent bait, an’ drop your line

     Way deep down in the hole.

“The big ones they are shy, my boy!”

     My father said to me;

“They don’t like lots uv bang an’ noise,

     Nor fuss nor fillergree.

You’ve got to use your brain instid

     Uv lots uv slam an’ swish;

Go easy, an’ go sure, my son,

     To ketch the biggest fish.

“The little ones will dart away

     When you thrash round like sin;

They’ll scoot away like frightened sheep

     Then come right back ag’in.

Them ain’t the kind you want, my son,

     They’s big ones in the hole;

Jest git a decent length uv line,

     An’ use a decent pole.

“It’s jest the same beyend the crick,

     All down the stream uv life;

The biggest fish don’t like the noise,

     The slam–bang nor the strife.

Success ain’t in the shallers, boy,

     He’s deep down in the bay;

You’ve got to use your brain for him,”

     My father used to say.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“The railroad sign says to you, ‘Look out fur the injine.’ The injine will look out fur itself, an’ you wanter do the same.”

______

No Use

Hank Stubbs – S’pose you’ll be gittin’ one o’ them airyplanes purty soon, Bige?

Bige Miller – Nope; ef I did git one thet new fambly ‘d be round tur borry it fore I hed time to git steam up.

______

Getting on in Life

(Hand-made Letters from a City-made Son to his Home-made Father.)

Dear Dad: I am so full of news, and good news at that, that I must write at once and tell you about them. (Down here news is “them”; while up there news is “it,” you will remember.) Well, I had only been back in the office a week when one of the fellows left and there was a “move up” all along the line. I was given a desk and more responsibility. You know more responsibility always goes with promotion, and sometimes, but not always, a raise. The latter didn’t stop at my station, so the next week I whispered in the boss’ ear. “Well,” said he, “I’ve been considering that prop’ and have made up my mind that I would raise all the married men, the single ones being placed on file. Inasmuch as you are married, Brad, you can consider your raise as good as elevated.”

Gee, dad, what do you know? And me not married! I didn’t know what to say, and before I had time to prepare my speech he was gone. Then a light broke in upon me. There was only one way I could honestly keep the raise. You know you always told me to “make hay while the sun shone.” Well, when I was up on the farm a few weeks ago I made love while the moon shone. Gladinette and I became engaged under the quiet evening stars while you and aunt Patience were wasting your time in sleep.

Armed with renewed courage and a good argument I went to see her last night, explaining to her the fearful predicament I was in and asked her to name the day, and not place too many days in advance. I told her that every day I remained single I was deceiving the boss, and that unless she married me someone would have to or I would lose my raise, and that I considered it a good business proposition to keep the raise.

After considerable time wasted in thought and the arrangement of her puffs, she consented, and I expect that on Labor Day we will go down to Revere on our honeymoon. Possibly we may go further, say to the Point of Pines.

Funeral, I mean wedding arrangements, will be mailed you later. My room-mate is between joy and sorrow, but Gladys and I are as happy as the law allows. Now when you come down to see us in the fall we will have a place to lock you, I mean to put you up. Isn’t it funny the way things turn out? Here we are, as you might say, happily forced into marriage. I don’t know what the next raise will be based on, but time will tell. Your obedient son,     BRAD.

_____

“That Reminds Us”

The fishing season’s all but closed

     On river, lake and sound;

But still the “yarns” go off the reel

     The whole blame year around.

______

Apartment Conversation

Mrs. Henry – What is meant, John, by “calling a bluff?”

Mr. Henry – Summoning the janitor, my dear.

____________

Aug. 26, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Condense

If you would travel swift and sure

     You must condense;

If you would have your stock endure

     You must condense.

You must condense in every way,

Condense all night, and all the day;

In all you do or write or say,

     You must condense.

There’s many ways in which you can

     Condense, condense;

Be you a woman or a man,

     Condense expense.

There’s many things ‘twere better so,

There’s some you don’t, and some you know;

In any case there’s less a show

     If you condense.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Some folks stir up a hornets’ nest jest so’s the next feller who comes erlong will git stung.”

______

Frost and Punkin Poems

“When the frost is on the punkin, an’ the fodder’s in the shock,” is a theme the nature poets allus hev laid up in stock; when they’re shy on other topics, then this storehouse they unlock, an’ tech up the yeller punkin an’ the fodder in the shock. This to me’s a sign of weakness, thet they’re nearly down an’ out, thet Pernassus is revoltin’ an’ the muse is up the spout, ‘cuz no poet would be writin’ on the subjict Riley led, ef he hed a decent poem in the attic overhead. Ez fur me, I wouldn’t do it ef I hed to pass the year an’ no string uv nature classics frum my pencil should appear; I would scorn to copy Riley, writin’ verses that would mock, “When the frost is on the punkin’, an’ the fodder’s in the shock.”

______

Small Talk

Dora – I always wondered why they are called bathing “suits?”

Fred – Well, if they are scant enough they suit everybody.

______

A Coming Novelist

Georgie – Say, Mamma!

Mamma – Well?

If a hen should sit on china eggs would she hatch out little China men?

______

Shoo Fly

Shoo fly, house-fly, you’ve had your day,

Now fold your wings and steal away;

King Winter soon will govern here,

And you’re supposed to disappear.

You are supposed to yield your reign

Until old summer comes again.

Shoo fly, house-fly, for heaven’s sake

Let us a moment’s comfort take;

You’ve had your way all summer long

And you have lived it good and strong.

Of course you will lie down and die,

But you will wake up by and by.

______

Profitable Proverbs

Rob not the poor because he is poor, but because he is a mark for the grafter.

The rich ruleth over the poor, but it is so willed that they pay for their fun.

The mouth of a strange woman is a pit, and strange women are identified with knockout drops.

Remove not the ancient landmark which thy forefathers have set, but ride over it with thy touring car.

Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will be dead easy with his own offspring.

A good name is rather to be chosen than great riches, but if a young fellow can get both he’d better snap onto her.

______

Cupid on Deck

The summer girls are coming home,

     In town we soon will find them;

The hearts they played with at the shore

     They soon will leave behind them.

Behind them? No, for we poor dupes,

     For love doth ever blind us,

In town will cast them once again

     Before the feet that grind us.

______

She (at the shore) – Well, the time has come for us to part.

He – Well, if you’ll return my presents I’ll sign off from any future breach of promise action.

____________

Aug. 27, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Swat Trouble

When trouble raises up his head,

     An’ stan’s acrost your path,

Why don’t you up an’ let him feel

     The right swing of your wrath?

Don’t fool aroun’ an’ let him git

     The slightest kind uv hold;

Fust thing you know he’ll gether you

     Into his sorry fold.

When trouble raises up his head

     To tackle you at morn,

Draw back your tried an’ trusty sledge

     An’ let him feel your brawn.

Don’t monkey with him, ef you do

     He’ll whimper round until

He gits you off into his cave,

     An’ folks’ll hope he will.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“It’s dangerous to call a spade a spade sometimes, speshly ef the spade is bigger than you be.”

______

A Human Bird Cage

Rooting at a ball game is probably one of the most delightful occupations known to man, and while it has never been considered dangerous, except where the umpire is concerned, a recent experience in Atlanta, Ga., proves that the most active fan sometimes stands in the way of calamity. One Billy Wells, a famous southern rooter, while having his jaws ajar following a costly error on the opposing side, felt something strike the gateway of his windpipe, and frantically seizing the object he pulled therefrom a live sparrow. It seems that the sparrow had become frightened at some new baseball expression, and in trying to escape from the grand stand, which was enclosed in netting, spied the Wells opening and made for it. Billy says his mouth has been the receptacle of many a hot bird, but that was his first experience with a live one, and at all future games he is either going to keep his cage closed or wear an automobile veil.

There is not much danger that our Boston fans will have a like experience from the fact that we are too highly cultured to laugh so widely that our facial cavity could be mistaken for a barn door.

______

Ways and Things

It’s never too late to mend, they say,

      Which is most always true;

Sometimes it’s best to throw away,

      However, and buy new.

______

Health Hints

To save the teeth – have them pulled.

To those who can’t sleep nights – try it days.

An ounce of prevention is worth a barrel of quack medicine.

Sleep with your windows open, but not your jaws.

Buy most of the remedies that people say will help you and keep them to look at.

______

Pavement Philosophy

A two-legged crank gets turned but one way, which is down.

You can burn your candle at both ends under an electric light.

There art two kinds of busy bodies. they who get along and they who don’t.

Just as soon as you “own” the place you work in it’s time to look for another,

The milkman would get into trouble if he didn’t water his stock, and he gets into it if he does.

Don’t be a clam, but if you are be as high as you can, say a little neck on the half shell.

Every dog may have his day, but no cat is going to have her night if the rear room dwellers can prevent it.

What can you say to the man who tells you that when opportunity knocked at his door he was out looking for a job?

______

Poverty’s Blessing

O, what a blessing it is to be poor!

     We’re glad we have no cash;

Not having the price we never will meet

     With death in an auto smash.

______

Forgetting Things

(Contributed.)

“A good memory is a fine thing, but a fine forgetting is a finer.” – Marilla Ricker.

If you’ve done a deed of truth and right

          To aid the world’s tranquility,

Don’t waste your force of mouth and might

          To prove your own mobility.

Just do the right thing once again, and stop you peevish petting,

For there’s nothing like the power of    forgetting!

If you know a tale about your friend,

          His errors or his flirtiness,

Don’t use it as a thing to lend –

          Ignore such trash and dirtiness!

Just drop it down, and soon enough its sun will start to setting;

For there’s nothing like the power of forgetting!

If you’ve done a thing that’s weak or wrong,

          Or lacking in propriety,

Don’t make of it a direful song

          To sing to all society!

Forget the thing. Behave yourself and stop your foolish fretting,

For there’s nothing like the power of forgetting!

    

     Mendon.                    “JAC” LOWELL.

______

Shore Talk

He – What kind of proposals do you like better, written or verbal?

She – Sealed.

______

Scene: New England

Mr. Bauld – What do you want to be when you grow up, Johnnie?

Johnnie – I wanter be a musician.

Mr. Bauld – A musician, why?

Johnnie – Yes, sir-ee; I wanter be a pied piper. Just think of all the pie he must get!

____________

Aug. 28, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

An Ode To Night

(Written under difficulties on the front porch of “Camp Gungawamp,” by the aid of a lantern.)

The summer night is calm and still,

     No sound awakes her silencing,

Except along the nearby hill

     The katydids are chorusing.

The river whispers to the shore

     As on it glides past camp and boat;

(Confound that miller! Uh, the bore!

     He landed half way down my throat!)

Faint outlines of the distant height

     One can discern by steadfast gaze;

Beyond, the twinkling gems of light,

     A million stars set in the haze.

The soul can but expand when it

     Beholds the wonders night doth bring;

(Drat thee mosquitoes, they have bit

     Until my ankles burn and sting!)

Now comes a broken morn agleam,

     And scudding clouds go sailing by;

Reflected in the dancing stream

     A million jewels greet the eye.

O, night, thy grandeur is adrift! –

     In silent voices dost thou speak;

(Dod gast that hornbug, he has biffed

     Me in the ear and in the cheek!)

Fain, fain I’d leave thee in repose

     And sink into the arms of sleep;

It were a sin one’s eyes to close

     And lose thy beauties vast and deep.

Now comes a gentle breeze to kiss

     One’s waiting lips and bid one stay;

(Confound such puffs of wind as this!

     My papers all have blown away!)

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“The autymobile may be a good deal faster than the hoss, but they ain’t ha’f so much fun when it comes to swappin’.”

______

“I Go A-Fishing”

(The Eel.)

The eel is one of the commonest of fishes. He belongs to the sea serpent family, and is found in most all waters excepting (bottled) Florida and Apollinaris. There are two kinds of eels, the fresh-water eel and the salt-water eel. The eels that inhabit fresh water are known as fresh-water eels and those that inhabit salt water are known as salt-water eels. Those found in markets are known simply as eels, plain or split. The word “eel” comes from the Latin “eelicus-muddicus,” meaning that the eels is a muddy customer, living in, or near, the mud.

Some folks say they would as soon eat a snake as an eel. Of course, such people are welcome to if they want to. Others say they would prefer an eel to fresh salmon and green peas. Personally, we prefer one to the other. Some people spleen against the eel because he lives a long time after he is dead, and frequently jumps out of the spider after he begins to fry. We have seen a piece of salt pork try to do the same thing, but that was no sign that the pig was alive. A good many people live by the notion, and they certainly show their keep. There are three good ways of serving eels, fried, in chowder and letting them alone.

There is a mistaken notion about the cleanliness of the eel. A great many people will tell you that he will eat anything that comes along. That is a fish story, pure and simple. The eel is most particular what he bites. He will not even bite a human being unless he is cornered.

There are several good ways of catching the eels, the four ways most preferable being with a spear, hook, bob and letting someone else do it. The last named method is preferred by most people. The eels is very easily hooked, but to unhook him is another story. He is so nervous after becoming hooked that he won’t keep still long enough for the hook to be removed with care. The best way to accomplish this feat is to either knock him in the head with a baseball bat or hang him up in the sun till he becomes perfectly dry.

The eel can live quite a long time out of water, but longer under it. His skin, cut into strips, makes excellent shoestrings, while his tail, fastened to the end of a lead pencil, makes a first-rate mucilage brush. There is much more we could say in favor of this much misunderstood fish, but we flatter ourselves we have already given a good eel of information in this brief tale of a fish.

____________

Aug. 29, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Jest Lazy

Some folks they say they’re tired to death,

     They jest can’t drag around;

They jest would like to give it up

     An’ lie down on the ground.

They are so awful, awful tired

     They don’t know what to do;

An’ thus they say, day after day,

     The same ol’ thing to you.

Some say the weather makes ‘em tired,

     It is so dry an’ hot;

Some say it is the work they do,

     An’ cavil at their lot.

At any rate, they git so tired

     Ere night hez come around

They jist would like to give it up

     An’ lie down on the ground.

Now I hev jest sech feelin’s, too,

     Don’t wanter move a peg;

A kinky, all-gone feelin’ in

     My body, arm and leg.

Don’t wanter hoe, nor chop, nor fish,

     Don’t wanter creep nor crawl;

But I’ll be honest, folks, I’m jist

     Dern lazy, that is all!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“The price uv necesserites is so high naowdays thet folks will need airships to git within hailin’ distance uv ‘em.”

______

A Striking Change!

She used to strike his fancy in the days of long ago, as homeward from the schoolhouse they strolled in the afterglow; he courted her and wed her, but they weren’t nicely paired, and things that later happened, well, they oughtn’t to be aired. As a maiden she was quiet, full of comeliness and grace; she used to strike his fancy, now alas! It is his face.

______

Cheerful Comment

Many a man’s vacation is spoiled by thinking of the coal he ought to out in.

So we are not to talk with Mars after all? Now that mars our belief as well as our happiness.

What does President Taft want of 20,000 cherry trees? He is no advocate of cocktails. Now if it were only ex-Vice-President Fairbanks!

The peach crop in various portions of our country is reported as being unusually fine. Boston always turns out a handsome one.

One of the differences between a boy and a girl is that the girl goes to the seaside to get a good tan while the boy gets his at home.

______

One “Less”

The seedless apple would be all right,

       The boneless fish we never would veto;

But we’d give them all, “lesses” great and small,

       For the sound of a noiseless mosquito.

______

Force of Habit

Worry kills a man

  If he’s half-way human;

But it suits the plan

  Of the av’rige woman.

______

Pavement Philosophy

He who runs may read wrongly.

He who is in other people’s way is in his own way.

A day off once in a while means more days on by and by.

The cat and canary are glad vacation days are over.

Take care of the pennies and the dollars will come in handy for somebody.

Folks’ corns wouldn’t be tread on so much if they were kept in the place they were intended to be.

Philosophers say, “the course of true love never runs smooth,” then blame their fellow men for not loving truly.

Sometimes an ill word about your neighbor gives him the very boost he needs.

______

The Yearly Bugaboo

We like summer well enough,

     The places we have been;

We would have had a splendid time

     Had

        the

                coal

                        been

                                in.

The theatres are open now,

     Good times will soon begin;

O, what a picnic we could have

If

         the

                coal

                        were

                                in!

______

Held by the Enemy

Hank Stubbs – Don’t see how them summer folks up to Culver’s could hev staid their hull two weeks?

Bige Miller – I do; paid their board money in advance.

______

Sonnet To The Housefly

Buzz-buzz, persistent fly, buzz-buzz. Fear not,

We would not harm a hair on thy head,

In fact our souls are filled with constant dread

Lest sticky flypaper shouldst be thy lot

And thou shouldst meet with death upon the spot.

Summer would be a dull summer, we ween,

If thou couldst not everywhere be seen

Slipping on the edges of butter plates,

Or making impressions on barren pates.

There is always something doing, O, fly!

To keep us all awake when thou art nigh.

Thy cream-de-luxe existence we admire,

Nor of thy gentle buzz-buzz ever tire;

So bite and buzz away in ecstasy!

____________

Aug. 30, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Man Who’s Always Out

There is the man you wish to see

     Up many flights of stairs;

One who perhaps you meant to catch

And corner unawares,

But who, when you have reached his desk,

     And look in vain about,

You’re told by some one sitting near:

     “Yes, Mr. Blank is out.”

Next day you call on him again,

     A different hour mayhap;

You think you’ll land him easily,

So well you’ve set your trap.

You’ve taken off your right-hand glove –

     To say, you’re just about:

“I’m glad to find you in, old man

     When lo! You find him out.

It’s just the same all through your life,

     You think he’s there, no doubt;

You’re sure you’ve found him in at last,

     And yet you find him out.

It is no use to spend your time –

     Keep on what you’re about;

You’ll never find him in, my friend,

     The man who’s always out.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Tendin’ to your own bizniz gives the other fellers a chance to do better.”

______

Two “Jobs”

A New York waiter is about to retire from active service with a bank account of $50,000, most of which has been saved from tips. A first-class music teacher in New England, a man of high ideals and marked ability, has just been carried to the poorhouse after a long struggle, hard work and honest endeavor. This is a tip that all true musicians would righteously spurn.

______

Cheerful Comment

Every one has a little politics up his sleeve.

Airships, but not autos, can have snowshoes.

Imaginary troubles are real for the time being.

It’s not hard to learn to love where there are two teachers.

Young married couples are a boon to canning factories.

It is only a step from the summer landlord to the autumn plumber.

Usually the woman who is brave in a thunder storm “goes in the air” at the sight of a mouse.

It’s a good thing that vacations are not what they’re cracked up to be; if they were we’d only work in the city two weeks in the year.

______

More or Less

The more haste

     The less speed;

The more waste

     The more need.

The less dense

     The more think;

The more sense

     The less drink.

The more plug

     The more wealth;

The less drug

     The more health.

______

Fair Exchange

Ever more we borrow

    Of the rainbow’s ray;

Grief can take tomorrow

    If joy will give today!

               – Atlanta Constitution,

Ever more we borrow

    Of our neighbor’s pay;

We will pay tomorrow

    If we can’t today!

______

More of the Popular Song

Dear Jocosity: I live several miles out, in a country town, and am quite unfamiliar with city ways. I have a fair education, and have literary talent and aspirations. I write a good deal for the village paper, and when there is a birth, death, murder or divorce in town I do it in poetry. Sometimes the editor doesn’t print them out of consideration for the feelings of the aggrieved, not because they are not worthy of publication. Now I would like to write a popular song, as I understand that is one way of making sudden wealth and fame, but have had no experience in such. Could you tell me how to go about it, and, when accomplished, where to send it? Thanking you in advance, I am, most gratefully,

                                           MATTIE H.

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Aug. 31, ‘09