Jocosities, November 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

That Women’s Bank

A women’s bank for women,

     Chicago’s latest fad;

If matters run real smoothly

     We shall be very glad.

They’ll have a woman teller,

     And she will tell it, too;

The president a woman,

     A really woman crew.

A woman for the cashier,

     A woman for the clerk;

The janitor a woman,

     A maiden-of-all-work.

Directors, wholly women,

     O, what a time there’ll be

At the directors’ meetings

     If they don’t all agree!

Depositors all women,

     We pray some female crank

Won’t start, some evil morning,

     A run upon the bank.

And, just a hint in closing:

     O burglar, keep your hook

Out of the safe, and leave it

To some fair lady crook!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“A good job is a blessin’, an’ yit, how of’n it’s blessed up hill an’ down.”

______

Cheerful Comment

Great is Mary Garden’s press agent!

Indiana, first in novelists and snow storms.

At last the Standard Oil Company is to have a foe worthy its fuel.

A pair of $800 silk stockings are almost worth immortalizing in verse.

The Kaiser taboos Mark Twain. What a pity Mark isn’t here to retaliate!

Evidently the men who are financing that Chinese loan have found the right queue.

John Westly, the actor, says it is easy to get a job on the stage. That may be true, John, but the trouble is to stay on.

Once the Irish cigar tobacco gets its deserved impetus we may look for Tom Moore, Charles O’Malley, Parnell and even Mulvaney perfectos.

Only one-half the usual number of deer have been killed in the Adirondacks this season. We are also glad to state that less than one-half the usual number of men have been mistaken for deer thus far this season.

______

Psalm of Speed

Lives of rich men oft remind us

     We can make our lives likewise,

And, departing, leave behind us

     Dust clouds in the poor man’s eyes.

______

Airy Talk

“Does it hurt an aviation record to be smashed?”

“Not so much as it hurts the fellow who held the previous one, we guess.”

______

Too Much Pie

A man not many miles from Boston has applied for a divorce, naming as one of the reasons that his wife handed him too much pie. Usually it is the scarcity of pie that makes trouble in most families. Perhaps we are putting this man in a false light, however, for it is doubtful if he objected to the quantity of pie so much as he objected to the manner in which he received it.

He told the judge that his wife threw a few trifles at him, such as flatirons, stove pokers and the like; but to cap it all she threw at his head a hot apple pie. There isn’t much of anything hotter than a hot apple pie, and if the man had allowed it to hit him he would, of course, have been severely burned. On the other hand, if he let it go by him it would land in a sorry looking mess and be forever ruined. It was a hard place to put a man in, and one might well imagine his distress in wondering if he should stop the pie or let it go by him. It would be a trying moment for the most tried of us.

Although the judge sympathized with the man because his wife took this method of wasting so much apple pie, he couldn’t grant a divorce on so trivial a matter. He advised the woman to go home and hand her husband a quarter of a pie nicely placed on a plate, accompanied by a sweet smile, and he urged upon the husband to so conduct himself hereafter that his wife would have no cause to hand him apple pie in any other way than the manner described. Hot apple pie, he said, is a blessing in any home, but, of course, it makes a difference how it approaches you.

____________

Nov. 1, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

A Gungy Huskin’ Bee

Now we’re huskin’ uv the corn,

     Pleasant autumn labors;

Men an’ women, gals an’ boys,

     Willin’ friends an’ neighbors.

Barn is like a fairyland,

     With the lights a-glowin’;

Red ears captured now an’ then

     Keeps the fun a-goin’.

Maidens huskin’ here an’ there,

     Lot’s o’ good ears missin’;

Can’t expect much out o’ them,

     Gals too busy kissin’!

Red ears skurcer’n turkey’s teeth,

     Disappointments smother;

When you find one, slyly pass

     It from one to ‘tother!

Huskin’ corn an’ tellin’ tales

     Red ears make completer;

Blushin’ cheeks an’ reddened lips

     Are a hull lot sweeter.

Clear the floor now, Bill an’ John,

     Rougish eyes are glancin’;

Git your home-made fiddles out,

     Gals are fit fur dancin’.

“Forward two, an’ forward four,

     Shassay down the middle!”

Never mind if ev’ry string’s

     Busted on the fiddle!

Coffee, beans an’ punkin pie,

     Applejack an’ cider.

Douse the lights – we’ll see ’em home,

     Mary, Kate an’ Ida!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“They may be jest ez good fish in the sea, but late years they ’pear to be more fussy about the bait.”

______

Literary Note

Now that it is known that Mark Twain left an estate of something over $600,000, after making and losing two fortunes previously, young authors will naturally take heart again and scratch harder than ever.

______

Cheerful Comment

This weather is made to order.

The Countess De Swirsky is some teacher.

Why don’t other politicians stump their wives to take the soap box?

If you are going over to New York, better not take anything larger than a suit case.

The Georgia cotton crop is short 50,000 bales. Another argument for the politicians who talk high-priced hosiery to women.

We were thinking of starting a new magazine, but Mr. Taft has chilled us, by having so much weight in the matter.

Judge Baldwin may find it a lot easier to induce Col. Roosevelt to come back than to take anything back.

______

Politics in Gungy

Hank Stubbs – What I wanter know, is this town goin’ to stand pat?

Bige Miller – Waal, Hank, I’ve lived here over 40 years, an’ I’ve never seen this town do anything up to the present but set.

______

Six of One, Eh?

“Aren’t dogs foolish to bark at the moon?”

“O, I don’t know; did you ever complain to the janitor?”

______

Taking Him at His Word

“I am looking for orders,” said the new drummer.

“All right,” responded the business man, promptly: “right about, face, forward, march!”

______

Tinted Preparation

Now that moving picture films show the natural colors of objects taken, naturally the ladies will be a little more particular about tinting up before stalking abroad.

______

Smuggled Cigars

The ladies are not doing all the smuggling, as we happen to know from personal experience. And why shouldn’t the men smuggle a little now and then, since they have the most of it to pay for, anyway? If our wives or daughters are caught smuggling, who foots the bills?

The sleekest article that ever came down the hall dropped in on us yesterday. He had a mysterious-looking package which honestly looked as though it might have been tied up in some South American port. Unfortunately, we were smoking a cigar. Being caught with the goods, we couldn’t deny that we smoked. Then began the story of the smuggling. They were 10-cent cigars, and every one of them a prize. He offered them for $8 per hundred, and laughed us to scorn because we hesitated.

Then began the struggle. We fought for 30 minutes, catch-as-catch-can, side-hold. Marquis of Queensbury rules, clinch-hold and go-as-you-please, ending finally in a draw. We submitted to arbitration and agreed to a flat price of 43 per hundred. The smuggler went out a dejected man. To think that he had been hypnotized into selling 10-cent cigars for 3 cents was too much for him!

There is something about smuggled goods that is very exhilarating. It causes us to feel that we are getting something for nothing. Of course, we weren’t the smuggler, but we were the accessory after the fact. With chest protruding, we called on a friend and gave him a few of our stock. They certainly looked beautiful in their red and gilt bands.

“Smuggled,” said he, raspingly, “let’s see the bottom of the box?”

There it was, as plain as day: “Made in New York.”

“Worth about two for five,” said he, returning our gift.

____________

Nov. 2, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Before and After

All through her younger days she used,

     Whenever she’d a chance,

To sit upon his knee and take

     The creases from his pants.

They’re married now; and every night

     She thinks it pretty thin

To have to stay at home and put

     His trouser creases in.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Linen showers are all right, an’ so be tin showers, etc., but what we want most is a durn good shower of rain.”

______

Vocal Note

Miss Farrar says, “Believe me, taking dukes individually and collectively, they are not worth a d    !”

Taking on addition to this, where they are not worth a cent, what good is a duke, anyhow?

______

Cheerful Comment

Moisant’s cat came back!

Spinach is a harmless fad, anyway.

Don’t smoke in bed unless you sleep on asbestos.

The best substitute for Santa Claus is old Kris Kringle.

Give the army all the airships it wants so that we may have peace.

Bet Constantino reached the upper register when he found he had missed his boat.

It is not so safe to stand on the bridge at midnight as it was in Longfellow’s time.

Countess de Swirsky’s idea is, that is society girls can’t learn to dance they can at least learn to smoke.

Miss Madelaine Powers, who was graduated from the eloping class at Wellesley Oct. 1, has returned to continue her other studies.

______

A Lass, “Hilda” Alas!

[A three-act near-tragedy, began in “All Sorts,” Tuesday morning.]

    Act I.

I had a girl, her name was Hilda,

With loving kindness I most killed her.

We were steadies, she and me

Just as happy as could be.

All my weekly wages went

Out to Hilda, every cent.

But I was quite satisfied

Since she was to be my bride.

Ne’er with harshness had I chilled her,

She my charming, steady Hilda.

                   Act II.

Then, alas! Came my disaster;

I was swift, but he was faster.

In my joy and in my pride

I could not feel satisfied

Till I had my dearest chum

Meet my Hilda, bride to come.

So I had her dine with Newt,

Who turned out to be a brute.

With his brightness he just filled her,

Won from me my charming Hilda.

                   Act III.

Late I asked my one-time Hilda

Why the “All Sorts” man had thrilled her.

Said he was a dead-game sport

Of the reg’lar Boston sort.

Said his bare and shining top

Made her think of her grandpop.

He who was the greatest scad

Bingville township ever had!

Take her, Newt, and try to build her;

There is room for that with Hilda.

______

Aero Gossip

“Who’s loony now,” has been buried in the grave of popularity and overwork, and “who’s baloony now” has been severely punctured. If you want to be right up to the minute you needs must ask, “who’s Grahame engaged to today?”

______

Sometimes, Perhaps

“What good is a raincoat, anyway, when it is at home and you are at the office?” – Exchange.

Can’t your wife lend it to someone who has called and got stuck in the rain?

______

The Right of Way

Reports from Greenfield, N. M., tell of a mule derailing a train on the Atchison, Topeka & Santa Fe railroad. Anyone well acquainted with the mule can well believe this story. Any engineer must be blamed idiot to dispute the right of way of a mule. Why, if we were engineer on one of the largest locomotives that pull out on the New York Central with a string of 30 steel freight cars to back us up we wouldn’t think of pitting the outfit against an ordinary one horsepower mule.

A might have been expected, the mule put the engine out of business in the first round, besides killing one man and injuring another. The most surprising thing about it is, that the mule didn’t turn to and kick over the whole train, thus winning a complete victory. The dispatch didn’t say whether the mule tackled the locomotive head on of used its usual tactics. Suffice to say, it stretched the engine at full length alongside the track and was counted out. It wasn’t a donkey engine, either.

______

That’s What They All Say

Hank Stubbs – Hen’s doin’ purty well, Bige?

Bige Miller – Doin’ me purty well, Hank.

_______

Accounted For

Drummer – I notice by the census returns that your town hasn’t held its own.

Farmer – No; some other town’s holdin’ ’em, I reckon.

____________

Nov. 3, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Vote for Me

It makes no difference what you’ve heard,

      Bill, vote for me;

Maybe I’ve said you were a “bird,”

      Bill, vote for me.

I’ve talked about you thus and so,

And called you hard names, yes, I know,

But that was very long ago,

      Bill, vote for me.

My father licked your father once,

      John, vote for me;

Because he called your father dunce!

      John, vote for me.

Our families have fought, they say

Like cats and dogs since that far day;

Let bygones be bygones, I pray,

      John, vote for me.

I cheated you? Well, yes, I did,

      Tom, vote for me;

I wouldn’t now, though, God forbid!

      Tom, vote for me.

I’d do for you the best I could;

I’m working for my country’s good,

So there’s a reason why you should,

      Tom, vote for me.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“One funny thing about this high cost uv livin’: It ’pears to be within the reach uv ev’rybuddy.”

______

Divorce Note

An Indiana woman wants a divorce on the ground that her husband swore a blue streak for seven years. Seven years is no record.

______

Cheerful Comment

The mayor is onto the L’s curves.

Perhaps, after all, Miss Farrar only thought it.

Of course J. A. D. McCurdy will take along a life preserver or two.

It is dangerous to find fault with a rainy day out in the country.

The man who gets in at 10:30 P. M. will never be held up by a midnight robber.

Let us Hope the big blue diamond hereafter won’t live up to its reputation.

“Breaking out” in some of the smaller countries has become about as common as the measles, and hardly more serious.

Barney Oldfield defeated Jack Johnson, and now the American Automobile Association apparently has a good lap on Barney.

Nobody wants to be mistaken for a deer, and nobody wants to mistake anybody else for a deer, and on that basis we fail to see any very good excuse for its coming to pass.

______

Returned, with Thanks

“Have a smuggled cigar, old man?”

“Thanks; is this a smuggled cigar?”

“Yes.”

“I think it ought to be smothered.”

______

Pa’s Strong Hold

Let father say whate’er he may,

     A good excuse to cop;

There’s one place he likes to get “next,”

     Down in the barber shop.

______

A Cruel Weapon

A Kansas City wife has started proceedings against her husband because he committed assault and battery upon her person with a hot pancake. In other words, he threw her a hot pancake, of her own cooking, and it went true to its mark. Not being satisfied with that, which was enough to break up any home if it were the least bit brittle, he took all his wife’s chicken money and kept it.

Just ice should be meted out to this man swiftly and surely. Either charge, we should say, ought to be enough to grant his wife a divorce, with alimony in proportion to the wages of her husband, which up to the present have been about nil.  If she continues raising chickens on her own account, he will, of course, have to go to work, as his income from the egg plant will be suspended.

We sympathize with anybody who is in the chicken business for a livelihood, and more especially with one who has nursed a brood of chickens from infancy up and then lost the returns therefrom. No doubt the woman has had hard scratching, and has brooded more or less over the flock, getting it ready for the Thanksgiving axe. The husband thought her so chicken-hearted she wouldn’t hale him into the pen, but he woke up one morning at the crowing of the cock to find his mistake.

The hit he made with the pancake, however, was the finishing stroke. To have criticized the pancake would have been cruel, but to use it in preference to a breakfast plate or a flatiron was a fling at her skill as a pancake maker. According to the dispatch, the weapon has left a would that never can be healed.

______

Hard Driven

“Business must be driving; Binks has bought another motor car.”

:It is; his wife says that’s his principle business, now that he’s got it.”

____________

Nov. 4, 1910

JOCOSITIES

[The column for November 6, 1910 is either missing or does not exist.]

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

When I Get Time

When I get time I’m going to write

     A poem great and fine;

I’ll pour my very heart and soul

     Into its every line.

It shall be called my masterpiece,

     By it I’ll stand or fall;

And in the ages yet to come

     It will be praised by all.

I’ve studied deep of human life,

     I’ve sought the ways of men,

And all because I want to draw

     Them with my sharpened pen.

I want to sway the plastic world

     By thoughts and words sublime;

And try to make it better, too,

     And will, when I get time.

  *        *       *       *        *        *     

Alas! The years have come and gone,

     And each succeeding day

Adds cares to those already wrought,

     And time has slipped away.

The masterpiece I fain would write,

     I fear will be but rhyme;

Because the more of years I live

     The less I have of time.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“They’s one thing to say in favor uv eatin’ pie fur breakfust: Ef a feller kin do it it shows thet he is healthy.”

______

Aviation Note

A Russian aviator has fallen successfully 115 feet. We are wondering if this is the record fall?

______

Pavement Philosophy

Keep your temper – nobody wants it.

The Don’t Worry Club wants more members.

The rolling stone gathers momentum, however.

It is just as bad, perhaps, to deceive yourself as others.

Anyway, the man on the fence can see what’s going on on both sides.

If you are so anxious to give advice be willing to take a little.

Make light of your troubles and they will be lighter still.

The best way to get some fellows back is to tell them they can’t come.

The biggest duck in the pond is the one the gunners are always after.

A thing worth doing is worth doing better than it was ever done before.

An extra lick or two after the whistle blows won’t hurt a fellow’s job any.

Looking for a coming man you will always find some going woman.

Be careful what you put on paper, also what paper you put it on.

We are all peculiar, so why dwell so much on the shortcomings of the other fellow?

Every time a man is mistaken for a deer it counts one for the deer, who is very well satisfied.

The days of chivalry are not past. A lady entered our office the other day and we took our feet off the desk.

______

Two Women’s Ideas

“What’s worse than a fussy, fault-finding husband?”

“One who hasn’t got backbone enough to fuss.”

______

Down to Brass Tacks

Excited lover – Oh, fly with me, fair one, and we’ll dwell in a land of milk and honey!

Practical girl – By that you probably mean that you will keep a hive of bees and a cow and I will have to do the milking.

______

In an Ancient Land

[Contributed.]

Upon the cliff of an ancient stream

     A snow-white palace towers high,

And round it hanging gardens dream

     Under the spell of a moonlit sky.

From where the waters sigh and sing,

     Kissing the marble as they flow,

The stars which lead to that old king

     Far up the fountained gardens go.

Calm Midnight with soft-sandalled tread

     Her silent way has come and gone,

And now the pale stars overhead

     Watch for the heralds of the dawn.

Hark! from the still heights there above,

     The strains of heavenly music rise,

’Tis an exultant song of love,

     The honeyed notes of paradise.

Lo! on the palace balcony

     Which clustered vine has made its own,

Veiled in the moonlight’s mystery

     A maiden stands and sings alone.

Her fingers lightly skim the lyre,

     But the fierce longings of her soul

Leap into living notes of fire

     And over the ebon river roll.

Scarce dies the music from her throat

     In soft, fine frenzy on the air

When down on the stream she sees a boat

     And hears a step upon the stair.

Up the long flight with panting pace,

     Climbing the sculptured, flowery hill,

Her lover hurries to her embrace,

     Breathless she stands there, mute and still.

He passes the ponderous palace gates,

     With secret keys he gains the halls,

Reaches the alcove where she waits

     And at her feet in worship falls.

While that old king who bade him come

     On pain of death his court to pay,

Sleeps on, nor in his slumber dumb

     Dreams that their love would find a way.

     Boston.         HARRY R. BLYTHE.

____________

Nov. 6, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

“Like Mother Used to Make”

He sat around the shady door,

     When summer days were long;

Inside his wife worked all the day

     Too tired for talk or song.

In winter time around the stove

     He’d sit all day and bake,

Complaining that her food was not

     Like mother used to make.

Did she produce a pumpkin pie,

     A pudding or a cake,

He’d growl, and say ’twas not as good

     As mother used to make.

And she, poor woman, kept her peace

     Till she could stand no more;

One day she faced him, flashing-eyed,

     And raked him o’er and o’er.

She pointed at the bushy fields,

     And said, with fearless brow:

“That land is not as good as ’twas

     When father used to plough.

That wood pile, only so in name,

     With scarce enough to bake,

Is not the kind, you lazy chump,

     Your father used to make!”

“This wood-box here behind the stove

     Just gives my heart a chill;

It isn’t anything at all

     Like father used to fill.

The paths around the house are not

     Fit walking for a pig;

They do not look at all the same

     As father used to dig.”

She tried to say some more, but he

     Had seized his old felt hat

And headed for the village store

     To have a little chat.

I don’t know if he tills the soil,

     Or cuts the wood to bake,

But he has ceased his old complaint:

     “Like mother used to make!”

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Markin’ time is all right on some occasions, but some folks keep it up indefernit.”

______

Everyday Philosophy

A man’s as good as his vote.

If you hold a good hand, don’t throw it down.

A good cigar smoke is not in the band.

If time is money, why don’t you save yourself more time?

The vagabond’s vote is more welcome than his presence.

It is better to be up and doing than to be down and undoing.

Many men who have no ear for music like to get on the band wagon.

The reason that love doesn’t run smoothly is wholly the fault of the lovers.

When a man tells you he has had a bully time it might mean that he got the hook.

If brandy can be made from sawdust, what a lot of people will go to sawing wood!

______

Enough!

“Is that man crazy, or what?”

“No; don’t you see, he’s acting in front of a moving picture camera.”

______

A Matter of Taste

“My, but this water tastes funny,” said the summer boarder, eying the well with suspicion.

“That’s not strange,” said his hilarious friend, “since this whole affair might be taken in the light of a joke.”

______

A Winning Plot

Beacon – I don’t see how it is that Scratchitt sells so many stories to the All Tale Magazine. Why, not one of them has a decent plot!

Hill – You see, Scratchitt has plotted to do the editor if he doesn’t accept them, and the editor knows it.

______

I would be happy, free from care,

  And have my life one glad, glad song;

I would bring sunshine everywhere,

  And have no mortal heart beat wrong.

But how can I quite happy be,

   And try to cheer some saddened soul,

When winter is so close to me

     And I have not a pound of coal?

No man can be up in the air

  When things are troubling him below;

No man can banish earthly care

     And think of winter’s ice and snow.

No man with happiness can glow,

     No man can scoff at dire distress

And be chock full of joy and know

     His coal bin’s full of emptiness!

______

Some Gungywamp Locals

(Taken from the “Advocate” of recent date.)

There’s a lot of chestnuts this year. There always is.

Game bags are pretty light except for what the hunters carry along for special purposes.

Hay is getting so scarce and high that several people are thinking of letting their lawns grow up next summer.

The open season can’t come to a close any too soon to suit Ben Brown. Ben has auburn hair, and says he was nearly mistaken for a fox last week and put out of business.

Lem Hooker, our esteemed blacksmith, has put lightning rods on all of his buildings, on many of his fence posts, his well curb and in some of his tallest trees. Lem says that if any airships light on his premises he is bound they’ll get punctured. Personally, we don’t think this is the proper way to welcome strangers.

____________

Nov. 7, 10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Bringing Milk Down

The airship man rose to the sky

     All on an autumn day;

He took an empty pail along

     Upon his skyward way.

Up. up he went, far out of sight,

     His wife burst into tears;

He’d never been so far from home

     In all their married years.

At length he reached the Milky Way,

     Before a farmhouse door;

The farmer ne’er had seen the like

     Of such a thing before.

“How much is milk a quart up here?”

     He asked the farmer then;

“Down on the earth ‘tis 8 or 9,

     And really milk is 10.”

“Milk? Milk is nothing, friend, up here,

     Of milk we have no end;

Our rivers all are made of milk

     Just milk away, my friend.”

And then he filled his milking pail,

     And bade the man good day.

A pipe-line will be coming soon

     Down from the Milky Way!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Man’s inhumanerty to man is more noticeable, perhaps, when two women hev a fallin’ out.”

______

Musings of the Office Boy

Steam heat ain’t always what it’s cracked up to be.

Lendin’ a nickel here and there is pretty easy money.

Barrettes don’t seem to stay put any better than they used to.

To hold onto a good job you’ve got to be on it with both feet.

It’s a sure enough rainy day when the typewriter has got the blues.

One sure thing about the boss, he’s bound to be prompt if the rest ain’t.

A blond hair and a black hair on a man’s coat make double trouble.

The course of true love never runs smooth on the days when the boss is in.

My chum told me his mother’s hens laid hard boiled eggs. Can you beat it?

Why is it office girls take it for granted ev’ry man in the outfit is just crazy to sharpen their pencils for them?

______

Nothing to It

Beacon – What is your idea of a small fry?

Hill – A sardine fried brown.

______

Misery and Company

If “misery likes company,”

     As many people say,

And your name is “misery,”

     Why don’t you go away

All by yourself, and not inflict

     Your presence, glum and sad,

Upon a helpless worker who

     Would be alone, and glad?

______

Hair Apparent

The bearded lady of Barnum & Bailey’s circus has lately deserted the spotlight of public curiosity and has become the bride of a South Bend admirer. His name is Giles Calvin. Giles figured it out a long time ago that beauty was only skin deep anyway, and such being the case, a growth of hair over a beautiful face wouldn’t make much difference. Giles is also an upholder of women’s rights. He believes that if a woman wants to raise a beard she has a perfect right to do so.

On the other hand, Giles figured that if he himself chose to go a week or two without shaving, a feature repulsive to most women, his wife would have nothing on him The neighbors around their South Bend home are wondering if Mrs. Giles will invest in a safety razor and shave every morning, or if she will let her beard grow as in the palmy circus days. But the Calvins are conservative people, and are not sending out press notices as to their future plans.

We greatly admire Mr. Calvin’s courage as well as his convictions. He is original, and has an original wife. Mrs. Calvin cannot twit her husband of scratching her face, nor can he complain that she spends too much money on cosmetics. On the whole we predict that it will be a happy union, and that Mr. Calvin, even though love’s sea becomes ruffled ever and anon, will never lose his temper to the extent of hurting a hair of her pretty face!

____________

Nov. 8, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

A Wednesday Night Mystery

On Wednesday nights of every week

     For supper we have pie;

Pie deep and juicy, large and round,

     A joy to mouth and eye.

It is so strange, I’ve wondered oft

     It comes on Wednesday night,

And yet ’tis there, and never fails

     My palate to delight.

Wife knows I’m very fond of pie,

     She knows it makes me glad;

And any wife would rather have

     Her husband aught than sad.

She knows when I have eaten pie

     I’m generous and bright;

And so I find it at my plate

     On every Wednesday night.

I don’t know why ’tis Wednesday night,

     Yet there ’tis sure to be;

I’m not mistaken in the time,

     As you can easy see.

I know it’s Wednesday nights; on that

     I couldn’t go astray,

Because it is the very night

     I get my weekly pay.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“In some homes the latchstring is allus out, an’ in some others, the man.”

______

Consideration

Don’t be a monopolist. Don’t look at your girl so steadily that she can’t raise her eyes; give her a chance to look at you occasionally.

______

Cheerful Comment

Now, then, pay the bets!

Note the “before” and “after” smile.

We feel no alarm over the new $100 counterfeit bill.

The snow in some parts of New England came just in time to bury several candidates.

Several voters got the glad hand yesterday, while many candidates got the sharp axe.

The strange young woman confined in Bellevue Hospital, whose only answer is “pip,” has doubtless had something to do with the chicken business some time or other.

______

The Inevitable

Now politics will take a slump,

     As might have been expected;

The losing side deciding that

     The best man’s not elected.

______

Gungy’s View of It

Hank Stubbs – I hear Squire Patten’s son is workin’ fur a big trust.

Bige Miller – I allus felt thet boy would git into bad company down there to the city.

______

Literary Note

“Parramatta,” the name of the new summer capital, is rather hard for the poets to do anything with in the way of rhyming verse.

______

Be Merciful

Your candidate elected?

     It is my treat, I know;

But for heaven’s sake don’t chortle

     The old, “I told you so!”

______

She Knew

Sarcastic husband -I’d like to know where you’d be now if I hadn’t married you?

Composed wife – Just a little ahead of you, dear; because you’d still be chasing me.

_______

Too Bad

(Contributed.)

Her mouth proclaimed refinement,

     Her brow, her eyes, her head

Expressed a blest alignment –

     A maid most thoroughbred.

Her form was beauty’s double,

     Her dress designed by Worth;

An angel surely passing

     A pleasant hour on earth.

But as I passed this “angel,”

     I was most stricken dumb;

She told her friend: “I’m feeling

     Just as I’m looking, bum!”

Melrose.                            T. B. F.

____________

Nov. 9, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

A Maritime Idyl

The purple sunset swerved athwart

     The embers of coming night;

The sea gods moaned as if in pain –

“Mark one, mark two!” They cried in vain,

    And watched it slowly sink from sight.

The boisterous breezes laughed in glee,

And piped the throbbing, troubled sea.

Behold the east! The rhythmic romp

   Of monsters down the gleaming track

     The ocean’s melody brings back

With due acclaim, and pungent pomp

To wake the laughing nymphs below,

Where clinging tendrils ebb and flow.

     And then – “land ho!”

(Dear reader, we’re not daffy hit.

’Tis magazine verse we have writ!)

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“They’s one good thing about cold weather, it kinder takes the laziness out uv the system thet the warm weather puts in.”

______

A Fish Tale

Little fish – I conclude that’s a fly up there on the surface of the water, mother.

Big fish – Don’t jump at it, my son.

______

Cheerful Comment

Oyster Bay: Nothing to say.

The best handkerchief is flirting.

May Margaret Anglin’s voice “come back.”

After the election – “and a great stillness came over the land.”

The real trial of a condemned criminal begins when the other trial is over.

Beware of the Cambridge patent medicine; it is noisy when uncorked.

We are glad we are not a north pole enthusiast; if we were we’d be troubled with, “who’s lying now?”

It seems there was nothing in the Republican candidate for governor of Connecticut, “Good-win.”

Two white deer have been seen in the neighborhood of Winstead, Ct. Now we are not sure if this is a sign of an open winter or merely that the deer weren’t red.

______

Top to Toe

O, women such extremists are,

     Such follies they pursue;

They want to wear a million hat,

     And number nothing shoe.

______

He Should Be Tied

“He’s a dangerous man for the community.”

“Does he steal?”

“No, indeed.”

“Does he intox?”

“No, but he goes round amongst the married women telling how much he helps his wife out with the housework.”

______

“Parramatta”

WHO’S AFRAID?

(Contributed.)

Turn all eyes now to Parramatta.

Let none go there who seek to flatter.

Why so fearful that the poets would be stumped by the name of the President’s summer home?         S. N. A. P.

Dear Jocosity: Strange you should think “Parramatta” a hard one. Listen to this:

We’ve got a cat,

     A dandy ratter;

So here’s a rhyme

     For “Parramatta.”

Boston.                                               “TECH.”

Father Jocosity: In answer to your lamentation that the President’s summer home would bother the poets, I submit the following:

What is all this useless chatter

’Bout a rhyme for “Parramatta”?

Shatter, clatter, patter, fatter,

Let your sad forebodings scatter!

                                              HULL.

______

Who?

Who beat the bosses in New York?

Who used the big stick on the stork?

Who pinned the tariff on his fork?

Please, mother, pass the pickles.

– Milwaukee Journal.

Who went up in an aeroplane?

When he said he would refrain?

Who said he ne’er would run again?

Well, look at Walter Wellman.

– Houston Post.

Who with enthusiasm warm

Once tried the spelling to reform

Then turned and fled before the storm?

Oh, why is bacon so high?

– Chicago Tribune.

Who snakes the World and roasts the sun?

Who puts the old guard on the run?

Who has all other sideshows skun?

Why not ask Gifford Pinchot?

– Cleveland Plain Dealer.

Who’s going to run two years from now?

Who’s reached the North pole, anyhow?

Who’s to blame for – well, by chow –

Der, got a match about you?

____________

Nov. 10, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

A Gungy Idea

Hank Stubbs – I’ve got a proposition.

Bige Miller – Ez to what?

Hank Stubbs – When they git through diggin’ the Panyma canal to put the hull gang onto diggin’ out the Maine.

______

“Be Back Again        ”

Off again, on again,

     Looking for graft;

On again, off again

     Taft!

______

Hung Up

First artist – Do you look for a lowering in our expenses soon?

Second artist – Alas! I fear the high cost of living is skied.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Ef food don’t taste ez good ez it used to, it is proberly becuz your stummuck is calloused.”

______

Political Note

Of course, if the churches were used as polling places it would mean that the majority of men would get out to meeting at least once or twice a year.

______

Cheerful Comment

Why is a Washington pie?

Los Angeles is a healthy youngster.

Some palmists read the hands of their women customers correctly.

“Best corn crop in 10 years.” What we want to know is, how’s the rye crop coming on?

“Check divorces,” says Archbishop O’Connell. “Divorces and then checks,” says the wag.

A Massachusetts poet has written himself into the Legislature. We hope he won’t recite himself out.

The beautiful snow is holding off remarkedly well, and we note with pleasure the versifiers are doing likewise.

We have once in a while said, “durn his skin,” and other things equally as forceful, but how one man can deliberately shoot down another is beyond our comprehension.

______

“Parramatta” Will Not Down

NEXT SUMMER – A PROPHECY

(Contributed.)

On a wide porch where sea breezes blow

     One summer eve there sat a

Great chieftain bold of rotund form –

     The place was “Parramatta.”

An office seeker, with his claim,

     Appeared at “Parramatta;”

“Who art thou?” quoth the ruffled chief;

     “Great sir, I’m a stand patta.”

With sad and weary eyes he scanned

     His pleas and all his data,

Then sadly cried, “What good to me

     To dwell at Parramatta?”

He shook the man – for golf hiked out,

     To keep from growing fatta;

And so the smile that don’t come off

     Was fixed at “Parramatta.”

    Cambridge.                         A, B.

______

A Genius

“Do you consider him a clever man?”

“Clever? More than that. Yesterday he borrowed $10 from a man to whom he already owed five.”

______

On the Stump

The turkey in the topmost tree

     Now gobbles with *eclat:

“I pray you sir, no axe for me,

     I am a democrat!”

___________

*Not eclaw.

____________

Nov. 11, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Don’t Talk Too Much

No matter what your job may be,

       Don’t talk too much.

Although your voice be clear and free,

       Don’t talk too much.

Don’t drown the wheels of trade all day,

Don’t overwhelm the bright and gay;

Don’t be a phonograph always,

       Don’t talk too much.

In public or in private life

       Don’t talk too much;

Don’t take all pleasure from your wife,

       Don’t talk too much.

Perhaps you’ve leisure, don’t you know,

And have a worthy tale of woe;

But other folks are busy, so

       Don’t talk too much.

Don’t let your tongue control your brain.

       Don’t talk too much;

Your shouting might be all in vain –

       Don’t talk too much.

Don’t overdo the thing, old chap,

Although for you ’tis but a snap;

You might talk yourself off the map –

       Don’t talk too much.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Blessed is the man who don’t keer to hunt or fish when he knows he can’t.”

______

Domestic Note

If your husband doesn’t bring you candy as often as he did in the old days it is probably because he has regard for your pretty teeth, or because he thinks you have grown so sweet you don’t need it.

______

Cheerful Comment

Sometimes loaded pistols are dangerous, too.

We hope the Seine isn’t going to have another spell.

Cracked ice isn’t in it with cracked steam on a cold morning.

One of the milk problems also is to keep it separated from water.

Usually election bettors don’t get caught twice on the same kind of bet.

Mark Twain is vindicated. A Chicago criminal has been convicted by his thumb prints.

To the average land lubber it seems almost paradoxical that a steamship should leave a snug harbor and put to sea the better to outride a storm, but that is what the Danish steamer Snestead did at Vera Cruz recently.

______

A Little Side Show

The “Circus King’s” daughter,

     Excitement amid,

Eloped from New Jersey

     With the candy kid.

______

Once More, “Parramatta”

Dear Jocosity: Apropos on the run on the names of the President’s new summer home, “Parramatta,” we submit the following, which is a joint stock production, therefore no individual is responsible.

       We do not care a hatter

       About this “Parramatta,”

              Whether ’tis hard

              For any old bard

To find rhymes for it, what matter?

       But we’re anxious to know

       When the summer winds blow,

And Beverly summer girls chatter,

              Will sweet Pauline Wayne

              Be so stuck up and vain

An ordinary chap can’t get at her?

    Cambridge.            BECK HALL.

______

Late Autumn Evening

(Contributed.)

Three flakes of snow astray in air,

     A sky of lead, a landscape brown;

And from the oak’s scant autumn store,

     One leaf glides slowly down.

The chill of stillness, not of wind,

     A whisper of the days to be;

A hint of winter, and the fear

     Of bleak, white misery.

A prophecy of cold and death,

     A thought that we may never wake,

Conviction that when life has sped,

     Of Lethe we partake/

A grim belief that thus the end

     Of longing, love, and thought shall seem;

A numb, gray night, that settles down,

     Drear night without a dream!

Alexandria, Minn.     BARR MOSES.

____________

Nov. 12, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Life’s Little Showers

A rainy day jest now an’ then

Is good fur any kind o’ men;

Sunshine is good, but by an’ by

It’s hard to bear, an’ hurts the eye.

The man who grins the hull day long

Is tiresome to the human throng;

An' so a rainy day or two

At spells, is good fur me an’ you.

The earth needs washin’ now an’ then,

An’ so it is with growin’ men;

Too much uv sun, too much uv light

Is apt to cause a wither blight,

An' is ez bad, or wuss, some ways,

Than too much rain an’ cloudy days.

No man or crop is wuth a yen

Without a shower now an’ then.

Ef it wuz sunny all day long

Life wouldn’t hev no gladsome song.

The birds sing sweetest after rain

Becuz it’s clearin’ up again.

The contrast makes the joy, you see,

An’ it’s the same with you an’ me.

Life would, indeed, be dull I know

Without some rain to make us grow.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“They’s one thing to say in favor uv a short grass crop – they won’t be so much hay fever around.”

______

Pavement Philosophy

Good nature is good business.

Old-fashionedness is always new.

Be sure you are wrong and then back up.

There’s no such thing as loaning an umbrella.

Success is just around the corner; go across lots.

The man who holds his temper, also holds the trump card.

If girls don’t blush as often as they used to it’s somebody else’s fault.

Don’t show the white feather; there’s where so many deer make mistakes.

Generally speaking, a man at 40 is right in his prime, if he isn’t in jail.

Charity begins at home, but there’s always a string of it applying at the office.

The man who goes round with the world on his shoulders always has room for one more.

It doesn’t help some men to get swear words out of their systems because they fill right up again.

When you get a thing well started don’t leave it to take care of itself so that you may start something else.

We have mixed feelings toward a successful agent because he can do things we can’t, and because he can do us when we say he can’t.

______

Pinning Him Down

“You can’t spring that old gag on me,” said the young wife, as her husband made a wry face over his piece of pie, “because I well remember you used to say you liked to stay over to our house to tea because your mother was such a bum pastry cook!”

______

As Through the Fatal Vale

(Contributed.)

As through the fatal vale of life

     With silent steps and slow,

By worn, or unfrequented paths,

     We, sighing pilgrims, go.

AS through the cloudy vale we fare,

     And doubt the sky above,

A single star lights our despair –

     The smiling star of love.

How easy then is trust!

     By this brave light alone

We flee our native dust,

     And make eternity our own.

Somerville.                H. A. KENDALL.

______

Just Like a Man

Irate wife – They say you men play poker down to the grocery store. Now, Henry Jones, just what is poker?

Henry – You’ve got it wrong, Maria, we play with the poker. In other words we help the storekeeper keep his fire going.

______

Getting Light on It

“I want you to be real nice to the governess, Georgie.”

:Oh, I know what you mean, mamma, you want me to be nice to her like papa is,” and forthwith Georgie pulled her head down and kissed her.

______

Their Decision

“Is it customary to return a fellow’s presents after you have broken with him?”

“Yes, if you think that the next fellow would object to seeing you wearing them.”

____________

Nov. 13, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

His Hall of Fame

He never wrote a startling book,

     Or made a speech to thrill the heart;

He never led a light brigade,

     Or entered in the world of art.

In fact he never did a thing

     So that the world has heard his name;

And so, of course, there’ll be no slab

     For him within the Hall of Fame.

He simply lived an upright life,

     And loved his wife and family;

He worked all day and tilled the soil,

     And owed not a man, did he.

He was a type of perfect man,

     And lived a life removed from blame;

He knows that he will have a niche

     In heaven’s higher Hall of Fame.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Ef the bargain thet is offered you hez a string to it you’d better use the scissors.”

______

Cheerful Note

It would make us sad to see our friends growing old only for the fact so many of them look so much better than they used to.

______

On the Way

After all, the political gait is like the other modes of travel; some are airshipped and some are subwayed.

______

Society and Agriculture

“Clear soil is supposed to produce the best crops, and yet there are exceptions.”

“I don’t quite get it.”

“For instance: In order to be highly cultivated it requires lots of rocks.”

______

Heroic Tramps

You can’t tell by the looks of a tramp how far he will go. Tramps have been known to perform brave deeds, and to take chances that would ordinarily strike terror to the hearts of the bravest of us. Who but a tramp would have the nerve to take what is handed from the countless back doors and consume it of their own free will and accord? Who among us would take a cold hand-out, devour it and lay down behind a haystack and forget the world, doctors, life insurance policies, property distribution and all? Aren’t tramps heroic? We guess yes.

Down in Atlantic city a new phase of hobo heroism has come to light. The city cooking school being in progress it was feared by the high schoolboys that they would be obliged to consume the experiments of the dear young things, and there was strong talk of a large percentage of the boys deserting home training for fields anew. Parents and teachers were in a quandary to know what to do, when along came an offer from one who signed himself the “King of Tramps” to take the entire output of the fair digestion breakers and distribute it among the profession.

It is evident that the “King of Tramps” has no experience with the products of an amateur cooking foundry. Men who are heartless in their attitude toward these institutions say that perhaps if the idea would become widespread it would be a sure way of cleaning out the whole tramp movement. We think they underestimate the average tramp’s staying qualities. However, the scheme started in Atlantic City will be watched with interest by medical men and others interested in the enduring qualities of the human stomach.

____________

Nov. 14, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

In Coal Bin Land

’Tis not our fault the bin’s not full,

     The dealer is himself to blame;

Each night I do the cellar go,

     But it is empty just the same.

I’ve written him a dozen times,

     I’ve called him on the wire;

And yet he doesn’t fill our bin

     So we can start our furnace fire.

I do not know just what to do,

     I hate to change coal dealers now;

We’ve had him for two years of more –

     Can’t understand him anyhow.

’Tis true, we owe for last year’s coal,

     Because our living cost went higher;

But I can’t see why that should count –

     He knows we need to have a fire.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Two is comperny an’ three is too many ontil comes time to call the minister into play.”

______

Go for Him, Girls

Gov.-elect McGovern of Wisconsin says concerning his alleged promise to marry if elected: “Forget it; there’s nothing to it. Absolutely nothing doing.” The coming Gov. McGov’ doesn’t want to be so sure of that. Now that the eyes of the western girls are looking in his direction we predict he will be lassoed inside of a year.

______

Gungywamp Philosophy

Hank Stubbs – Pollertics do upset things turrible.

Bige Miller – How’s that, Hank?

Hank Stubbs – I see by the papers thet in Cook county, Ill., alone, 4000 Republicans are goin’ to be turned out an’ their places filled by Demmycrats.

Bige Miller – Hank?

Hank Stubbs – Yep?

Bige Miller – I’ve got an idee.

Hank Stubbs – W’at is it?

Bige Miller – Farmin’s purty good.

______

“A Fool and His Money, etc.”

(Contributed.)

I once spent forty dollars for an early Joseph Miller,

     And reckoned I had got a prize to be my very own;

But now I for a cent can buy, alas, my absent siller! –

     A quart of chestnuts roasted fresh by Mr. Joseph Cone!

Melrose.                                      T. B. F.

______

His Handsome Mug

(Contributed.)

There was a very homely man,

     As homely as could be;

Who had a handsome mug to scan,

     As you could wish to see,

He daily sought his barber shop

     To polish up his chin;

His “handsome mug” a shelf did top,

     With soap and brush within.

Boston.                        JAY BEE.

______

Policemen with Wings

Boone, Ia., might very appropriately change its name to “Boom,” if we are to take into consideration the schemes of its most progressive citizens. They have introduced an ordinance that flying machines shall show two lights after sundown, one on the off and one on the nigh side, that the city shall buy three aircraft for the use of policemen, and recommend that aerial stations be placed on all public buildings. If this isn’t going at airship speed we don’t know a joy gait when we see it,

Boone has outdistanced all her sister cities, both East and West, and goes on record as being the first burg in the world to recommend wings for her policemen. Boone must have some well to do people who are getting ready to “carry on” up in the air else the police department wouldn’t be so anxious to procure a fleet of sky patrol wagons. Otherwise we cannot see where airships would be of much use for policemen. AN officer of the law would look funny hunting for a crook down some back alley or in a dark closet, while trying to control the movements of an airship!

On the other hand, with aeroplanes making as much noise as they do at present, burglars could hear them when they first left headquarters, and so be on their guard. And as for an ordinary Boone policeman bringing an airship to a full stop upon any of that city’s public buildings, after seeing Grahame-White and the Wright experts maneuver, makes us laugh a cold, heartless laugh. The more we think it over the more we think that Boone wants a few fly cops, and takes this way of procuring them.

____________

Nov. 15, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Skins of the Season

The fish skin in the gentle spring

     Attracts the most attention;

The shad and trout and other fish

     Too numerous to mention.

In summer time the horsehide comes,

     Around the sphere revolving;

A million people pursue its course

     Their daily cares absolving.

With autumn comes the football squad,

     Just listen to the chorus!

On every hand, in every school

     The pigskin is before us.

In winter time? Oh, yes, we have

     One still, a reg’lar comer;

When you size up the other three

     Pray don’t forget the plumber.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Most people think thet ef they hed their lives to live over ag’in they’d do diffrunt. They would, an’ probberly wuss.”

______

Notes About Town

Will the Common ever get settled down?

Our bakers reducing the size of pies may hurt in some ways, but help in some others.

We note many long-faced youngsters gazing into the adjacent ponds. which haven’t iced over yet.

It is hoped that the untrustworthy won’t stock up with firearms before the proposed restrictions become law.

A local poet was much perplexed yesterday when, emerging from a newspaper office, where he had failed to place a manuscript, he saw directly across the street a red can on which was printed, “Put Rubbish in Here.”

______

That Magic Word

“We do not like the barber’s voice,”

     A common text;

But one thing makes our heart rejoice,

     And that is, “Next!”

______

Semi-Society Notes

The man who is always having trouble with his coat-tails in a public place is a source of amusement for the young people.

Does a woman really feel so pleasant as she appears to when a man steps on her train and starts the gathering at the waist band?

One of our big magazines some time ago contained an article entitled “Autobiography of an Old Maid.” The article wasn’t signed.

______

Ferryboats, Too, Maybe

Shooting deer from automobiles ought to be stopped. If that sort of thing continues, it won’t be long before they’ll want to shoot them from trolley cars.

______

Musings of the Office Boy

Also a watched clock never goes round.

“Runnin’” errands, accordin’ to the boss, is a misnomer.

All work an’ no pay also makes the brightest of us dull.”

Also chewin’ gum is a good servant is a good servant, but a bad master.

I have learned that w’en the boss tells me to take my time he means hurry up.

A big hat, a fur coat an’ a spotted veil goes a long ways towards makin’ up a stenographer.

______

The Silver Tongue

(Contributed.)

Oh, keep your tab on the man with gab,

The warbler of sweet sound,

For he will get your money yet

If it lies loose around,

He’ll take your arm with easy charm

Then tell you what you need

And if you’re not one of his lot

You’ll bite – you will, indeed!

He does not cheat or idly bleat,

But he is purposeful,

And that good bait decides your fate,

Your eyes are filled with wool.

He starts to talk as on you walk,

Saying the things that please,

Then mighty soon you think the moon

Is really made of cheese.

There are few men who know just when

They’ve said quite words enough,

But he is one, my simple son,

For he is classy stuff.

If you should meet him on the street

Or on your office floor,

Just keep your tab, for he has gab

And he don’t need much more.

                      HARRY R. BLYTHE

      Boston.

____________

Nov. 16, 10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Buckwheat Cake

(Buckwheat cake decline. Jersey millers say the old-time staple is losing ground. – News item.)

O, say not so, the buckwheat cake

     Is passing out of sight;

That for the old-time breakfast dish

     We’re losing appetite.

We would as soon expect to see

     The glowing sun turn black;

Oh, let us make a move to bring

     The buckwheat griddle back.

Let go the tender, luscious squab,

     The steak and leg of lamb;

Yea, we could live were we denied

     The oyster and the clam.

And of the countless breakfast foods

     We could excuse the stack;

But if we want to live, pray let

     The buckwheat cake come back.

We do not mind the breaking out

     Of buckwheat rash. Oh, no!

It’s rather nice in winter time

     To feel the buckwheat glow.

Old ways, old foods, are past and gone,

     But let’s not live in vain;

Whatever else you take pray let

     The buckwheat cake remain.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“It’s most allus true thet a pusson gits set down on fur standin’ up fur his rights.”

______

Game Note

Next Monday will start the open season for shooting deer in this state. We would advise everybody to begin the week by keeping out of the open.

______

His Rainy Day

“That dollar I gave you, James, to save up for a rainy day, did you put it in the bank?

“I – I started for the bank, sir, but it came on to rain so hard that I was forced to go into the inn, sir.”

______

Comforting

For two people who find it hard to make both ends meet there’s always a chance to stretch the imagination a little.

______

Sarcasm of Joke?

“I want to look at some corsets.”

“For yourself, mam?”

“Oh, my, no! They’re for my husband.”

______

A Study in Brown

O, sing your merry-hearted lay

     Of brown October ale!

Or bring its pleasures into play

     In bold and stirring tale.

There is a more delightful drink

     That charms my autumn moods;

I feign would quaff a cheering draught

     Of brown November woods!

______

Hard Lines

“What’s the use in having friends if you don’t use them?”

“Yes, but durn it all, they’ll turn right ’round and use you more.”

______

Right of Possession

Judkins – I hear your four girls are engaged.

Jenkins – No, only the youngest is engaged, but the other three use her fellow like he belonged to ’em, that’s all.

______

Truthful Ted

“I wish I were a bird,” she sighed,

     “That I might fly away;”

“You are,” her little brother cried,

     “At least, that’s what they say.”

______

Otherwise Engaged

The world admires a good loser,

     And makes its applause quite plain;

But you’ll notice it’s mighty careful

     About setting him up again.

______

Does It Make a Difference?

“I want to get a divorce from my wife.”

“Why don’t you go on the stage, it will be so much easier for you?”

______

Cupid Note

A breach of promise suit is usually manufactured out of a misfit courtship.

______

No Handicaps on Him

“You say you were born in this country?”

“Yes, sir.”

“And you are not a descendant of any royal family, nor heir to any mysterious estate?”

“Not that I know of, sir.”

“My boy, you have the foundation for making a great man some day.”

____________

Nov. 17, 10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

In Stokes’s Grocery Store

The winter winds are blowin’ cold,

     An’ there is snow squalls in the air,

Jack Frost at last has got a hold,

     An’ he is holdin’ on fur fair.

But there is one place snug an’ warm,

     Where winter winds don’t howl an’ roar;

One place we dodge the cold an’ storm,

     An’ that is Stokes’s grocery store.

There is a place uv joy an’ rest,

     A homelike harbor free frum care;

An’ ev’ry evenin’ Gungy’s best

     In all its glory gathers there.

There is a haven free frum toil,

     A place where sorrer dwells no more;

Where we don’t have to work the soil,

     An’ that I Stokes’s grocery store.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“The averige boy ain’t very friendly towards either side uv the hair brush.”

______

Popular Note

The drop in the high price of living hasn’t as yet become any clear defined “dull thud.”

______

Tale of a Shirt

(A Connecticut man was strangled to death by a stiff-bosomed shirt while he slept. This is Connecticut caught with the goods. Those Nutmeg Yankees have not yet learned the use of nighties. – Haverhill Gazette.)

Oh, Cone, Joe Cone, can this be true?

     Or is this tale a falsehood plump?

Are nighties all unknown to you

     Who dwell in distant Gungywamp?

The world demands of you, Joe Cone,

     An answer to this question dread:

Are pink pajamas still unknown?

     Do men still wear b’iled shirts to bed?

                                             ANXIOUS.

Dear “Anxious:” In reply to yours,

     Esteemed, and of a recent date.

I fain would tell you, anxious one,

     Connecticut’s a busy state.

Laws yes, we’ve nighties there to burn,

     And frequently the same we don,

But we’re so busy now and then

     We haven’t time to slip them on.

______

Listen!

“How do you know meat has dropped?”

“Saw the report!”

______

How Tastes Differ

Oh, dogs delight to bark and bite,

     And cats delight to sing;

But for my treat I’d rather eat

     A piece of pie, I jing!

______

Cheerful Comment

Think twice before you spit.

The Seine is becoming normal again.

The Connecticutters are saying, “Get there Eli!”

Less than a week now and the gobbler will be gobbled.

There are some very broad plans on foot for the Narrow Gauge.

Among other things the fair Cavalieri has saved her fare over.

Aviator Count De Lesseps has beaten Grahame-White in the engagement race.

If it is so much harder to fly in Denver then that would be a good place for some folks to live.

Twenty-five tons of rum has left Boston for African ports. What is Africa’s loss is our gain.

Perhaps Skowhegan can boom the egg business by coaxing the biddies to lay more, but towns of ordinary names can’t do it.

______

Girls Are Queer

“It takes two to make a bargain,” she said, sweetly, as he beat around the proposal bush.

“And only one gets it, and in that case it would, of course, be you,” he replied, not knowing what else to say, and now that she ignores him he is wondering if he oughtn’t to have put it the other way round.

______

As the Saying Goes

If we believe naught that we hear,

     And only half we see,

We might as well be deaf, I fear,

     And blind, too, seems to me.

____________

Nov. 18, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Turkey

Now our governor’s elected,

     Now it’s settled for a year;

And the tidal wave expected

     Has sent many to the rear,

’Tis the higher cost of living

     That accounts for the big sweep;

So we’re hoping this Thanksgiving

     Price of Turkeys will be cheap.

We can guess the Senate winner,

     (If we cannot we can wait,)

For our mind is on the dinner,

     With some turkey for each plate.

Matters not what luck befell is,

     If our party won or lost;

But we’d like some one to tell us

     What our turkey’s going to cost.

Dorchester.                    H. E. F.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“It is easy enough to predict an early winter ef you start in late enough.”

______

Fashion Note

The ties that bind are certainly not the kind the average wife picks out for her husband.

______

In Detroit, Yes?

“A successful man has always used his hands more than his tongue.” – Detroit Free Press.

How about the auctioneer and the politician, Eddie?

______

Cheerful Comment

The higher berth should be lower.

The horse isn’t, but makes the show.

Anyway, poor Ralph Johnstone died in the harness.

It behooves Massachusetts farmers to lie close during the open season.

Jack Johnson a victim of nervous prostration? We thought he gave it to “Jeff.”

John Phillip Sousa has left the hospital, and now the “Oomp-ta-ra-ra” will again take on a more strenuous strain.

There was a $20,000 fire in a South Boston bag factory yesterday. Evidently they didn’t have enough bags to smother it.

Members of the Torringford, Ct., Congregational Church presented their pastor a flock of hens during a surprise given in his honor. It would have been more kind and less expensive for him had they presented him a dozen or two of eggs.

______

Boston Has 500,000

Place your orders early,

     For the gay and festive bird;

It will be the strongest gobble

     That you ever saw or heard.

______

The Question Box

Dear Jocosity: After airships, what?

                                               GUESSIT.

Gatling guns, and more airships.

______

No?

(It is said there is no rhyme either for “bachelor” or “step.” – Floating paragraph.)

Bill Jones was an elderly bachelor,

And he hadn’t even a satchel or

Valise; so he stole one – sad, sad step!

For that was the way he lost his rep.

                              Chicago Tribune.

Sure there are lots of rhymes for step –

Don’t everybody know ’em? Yep –

Wake up, Anonymous – get hep!

                              Cleveland Leader.

I had a dog, his name was Shep.

A naughty boy gave him some pep’;

And now the boy has lost his rep’,

Besides he cannot sit or step.

____________

Nov. 19, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Tilt of His Cigar

You can fathom a man by the cut of his jib,

     By his acts, his bluff and his talk;

You can tell him quite well by his ebb and his swell,

     You can judge him somewhat by his walk.

There are numerous ways you can judge a man,

     But I think that the best way by far,

To get a right line, and gauge him down fine

     Is by the tilt of his long cigar.

When the cigar points down the spirits are down,

     The drooping is plain to be seen;

When it points straight out he is flound’ring about

     And isn’t quite certain, I ween.

But there’s no mistaking his innermost soul,

     When it points to some overhead star;

You can easily tell that life is “all well,”

     By the tilt of his long cigar.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“No man ever travelled so fast yit but what either fate or the law overtook him sooner of later.”

______

The Query Box

If it costs $20 to strike a Boston Elevated conductor, how much would it cost to strike one down on the street?

There is only one way to find out; try it and see for yourself.

______

It Has Struck on

“Provisions have dropped, haven’t they, dear?”

“Steak, I believe, has dropped 3 cents or more.”

“Oh, goody! Then I can have that fur coat, can’t I, hubby?”

______

Pavement Philosophy

The trouble hunter always bags game.

Occasionally you hear some one mentioned as being a good liar.

Pretty girls, of course, have more lovers, but fewer husbands.

The wit of being “short,” or brief, depends altogether on where it’s located.

The man who talks about himself is exceedingly interesting – to the talker.

There’s this about the mechanical talking machine: You can shut it off.

It doesn’t disturb the average poet any to be put in the same class with a lyre.

The man who is a good fellow down town and a good fellow at home is rather hard to – but what’s the use?

People are so fussy about getting married nowadays that the old-fashioned church wedding seems to be mostly out of date.

A good many people in this world are so busy fighting for what they consider their rights that they never get much of anything else done.

______

A Goose Trade

Mary had a little goose,

     The old thing wouldn’t gobble;

She took it to a rummage sale

     And swapped it for a hobble.

                             – Judge.

I never heard a gobble goose,

     I never hope to hear one;

But if I did, you bet your sous,

     ’Twould be a mighty queer one.

______

A November Day

(Contributed.)

Flurry of snow, a frosty morn,

     Calls from his pine the hoarse old crow;

Far in the east the day new born

     Fills the sky with a crimson glow.

Frost gems sprinkle the dead brown grass,

     Fretted silver each fence and wall;

All too soon does their beauty pass,

     As warming sun rays on them fall.

Flurry of snow, and all day long

     Chill winds rattle the branches bare,

Where but the other day the song

     Of joyful birds made music rare.

The sun all day ’twixt gray clouds drear

     Sends down his shafts of golden light;

Flecking the brown earth far and near

     With glowing spots of beauty bright.

Flurry of snow, and frosty eve,

     Glory glows in the distant west;

Where the sun, ere he took his leave,

     Has laden clouds with beauty drest.

Opal and crimson mountains rise,

     Walls of the golden city blaze

As though for a time blest paradise

     Shone on our eager mortal eyes.

     Webster.              SAMUEL G. RAE.

______

From Bolognaland

“Have you seen Frank?”

“Fran who?”

“Frankfurter.”

“Yes, he was talking with Sauce.”

“Sauce who?”

“Sausage.”

______

We’ll Furnish ‘Em

If you want to get rid of obnoxious friends,

     And give their faith in you a jar,

And widen the breach beyond all amends

     Just offer them a “smuggled” cigar.

____________

Nov. 20, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Chilly “Bob White”

I love to hear the “Bob White” call

     Across the barren wold;

He tells me in his simple way:

     “It’s cold, it’s cold, it’s cold!”

Unlike some fellows whom I know,

     Full of the hunter’s vim,

I will not take my shot gun out

     And make it warm for him.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“They’s sech a diffrunce in women; one will make up her pusson while another is makin’ up her mind.”

______

Dental Note

The painless dentist isn’t so much; what the average person is looking for is a dentist who is costless.

______

Handy to Have Around the House

A fence.

A quarter.

The snow shovel.

Presents left over from last year.

A wife who is in most of the day.

A husband who isn’t out every evening.

A whole week’s wages when the rent is due.

A few children to keep yourself from thinking too much about yourself.

______

Cheerful Comment

Two goose eggs to one pigskin.

The early shopper gets the bargs.

Hats off to the opera if not at the opera.

What has become of that skyline from Boston to New York?

The London suffragettes are suffering from another breaking out.

Clyde Fitch not only left several good plays but some good results.

One hundred and thirty-five words per minute is the record writing, but how does that compare with talking?

A Mexican has just died at the age of 122. Doubtless he could tell the “oldest inhabitants” a few things.

The call of the wild wasn’t loud enough to keep that M’keesport (Pa.) wold away from his mistress more than 3 days and 2 nights.

Wellesley’s new whistle can be heard 12 miles away, but it is doubtful if the studentettes ever get that far away from their dormitories of an evening.

______

Love and Ossification

Phoenixville, Pa., tells of an “ossified man” who eloped with a pretty nurse from the institution where he was staying. If love is a cure for ossification it is something that will be of lasting benefit to science and the world in general.

______

Double Play

“Do your Christmas shopping early,”

     There is wisdom in all that;

“To avoid the rush,” and likewise

     Ere the pocketbook is flat.

______

Horse Sense

Money won’t make the mare go unless the man behind her puts it up.

______

Your Picture in the Paper

(Contributed.)

Made to look like a negro or white as a ghost,

A raw Hottentot basted and ready to roast;

A Chimpanzee, Ourang or Jiu Jitsu squeegee,

An hilarious Laplander out on a spree.

Tho’ the nose may be missing, the eyes blotted out

Like defender half-dead at a pugilists’ bout,

Or with a grin like a CHesire cat on top-a-wall

Or with mouth shaped to swallow a huge cannon ball.

If the snapshots are printed with the news of the day,

As result of the ubiquitous film-fiend and jay,

Should your face figure in it your friends will remark,

“I’d have known it was you, if I’d seen in the dark.”

      Norwood.                    G. A. U.

______

Their Decision

“Is it customary to return a fellow’s presents after you have broken with him?”

“Yes, if you think the next fellow would object to seeing them ’round.”

______

Soar-Heads

And some are sore who do not soar

     And some are sore who do;

Who are the sorest I no more

     Know than the rest of you.

______

Had Tried and Failed

“Beauty is only skin deep.”

“Some of the beauty skins are deep, too.”

______

His Own

Kindly old gent – I suppose you’re a chip of the old block?

Ready boy – Nixy, if I was I’d lose it, see?

______

Tall Timber Note

Reading so much about the localities where balloons land takes off some of the worry about the scarcity of lumber.

______

Off the Hooks

When a man comes to you with a wonderful fish story you can make up your mind there’s a string to it somewhere, though it’s seldom visible.

____________

Nov. 21, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Hustler

He  starts  in  the  morning  exactly  on time

    Like an engine all charged for the fray;

From his top to his toe he is proudly aglow

     For the labor that stands in his way.

He picks up his pencil, or seizes his rule,

     With an air that is bound to enthuse;

Or he flies o’er the place like a man in a race,

   With the steam coming out of your shoes!

The laggard and loafer ne’er reaches the goal,

     He’s behind at the end of the day;

The hustler’s the man who is leading the van,

     Who’s drawing the likeliest pay.

If you want to be happy and stifle dull care,

     If you want to inspire and enthuse,

If you want to hold sway, just start every day

   With the steam coming out of your shoes!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Lots o’ folks who can’t sleep nights don’t seem to hev any trouble in doin’ it days.”

______

Weather Note

The man who is going round with a cloud on his brow asking everybody if this is a late summer or an early winter, ought to be expelled from membership in the “Let Well Enough Alone Club.”

______

Up to Kentucky

It has been discovered that Missouri is the real home of the much talked of mint julep. Now we can almost hear some indignant Kentucky colonel saying: “You will have to show me, suh!”

______

Cheerful Comment

It was a famous no-score-ee!

Have you a 30-pound turkey for sale?

Inspector Dew resigns at the height of his glory.

His enemies are crying: “Fewer Powers to Caleb!”

It’s one thing to dissolve sugar and another the trust.

Sometimes the other end of a big run is the more dangerous.

One can hardly blame the turkeys for hating to leave such good weather.

Oughtn’t we try to raise the warships that are already sunk before we allow any more to go down?

Wonder if the theatre on the new Cunarder will open with “Hands Across the Sea” or “The Dark Secret?”

Probably “one night in a bar-room” was enough for the Pennsylvania actor who was literally knocked out by a whiskey bottle in the hands of the barkeep’s son, Frank Slade, during an amateur performance of “Ten Nights.”

______

King Corn

We doff our hats to old King Corn,

     And yell with true thanksgiving;

’Tis he who’s knocked out, sure’s you’re born,

     The higher cost of living!

______

His Truthful Retort

“I’ll marry a prince or nothing!” she declared, seeing a huge castle in the air, dangling before her.

“That’s all right,” said the young man, disappointedly, “you might do both at the same time.”

______

His Willingness

“Dwight is the most agreeable fellow in the world.”

“That so?”

“Yes; he never refuses a drink, a cigar or an invitation out to dinner.”

______

Cash or Baby, Which?

Husbands in general will rejoice no doubt over the loss of a Newton man who was relieved of $16.70 last Sunday night while carrying his baby on a street car. Not that they will be glad that the proud young father lost the money, but the question will arise now whether ’tis wise for the father to carry the child and the family pocketbook at the same time. The careful young mother will probably figure that the father, being such an easy loser, would be as apt to lose the baby as the pocketbook, and preferring to retain the baby, she will doubtless assume full charge of the same, allowing the head of the house to carry the wallet only. This idea would be very popular with the young fathers, hence our belief that the Newton man’s loss will be hailed with delight by them, and that perhaps he lost better than he knew.

______

Violets

(Contributed.)

I know a bank where in the spring

The genial sun will shadows fling

     Of maples tall;

And this I know: If angels weep,

Upon that bank so grassy, steep,

     Their tears must fall.

And there, indeed, with magic powers,

They spring and bloom as dainty flowers

     To cheer us all.

And this I hope: These petals blue,

Which bright reflect the sky’s own hue,

     Are tears of joy.

That aught amiss in sky or earth

To blossoms such as these give birth

     Would me annoy.

For flowers as fair and sweet as this

To man should message bring of bliss

     Without alloy.                       S. G. R.

     Webster.

____________

Nov. 22, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Bird

You may talk about the eagle as the only bird of fame,

     You may hold it up to notice, and enlarge upon its name;

You may drape the flag around it, that the heart of man be stirred,

     But tomorrow, let me tell you, Thomas Turkey is the bird.

With the ladies ‘tis the ostrich for the lovely plumes he sheds;

     How they gayly pace the pavements with them waving o’er their heads!

And, indeed, they make a bulls-eye, but just now, upon my word,

     The old ostrich isn’t in it – Thomas Turkey is the bird!

With the earnest aviator ’tis the bird of cloth and steel,

With the whirring motors near him, and a wild, exultant “feel”;

But the only bird existing which has e’er my pulses stirred

Is the airship of the barnyard, Mr. Thomas Turkey bird!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Some men are so short-sighted they will stan’ in front uv a saloon an’ ask fur 10 cents fur a plate o’ beans.”

______

Hunting Note

A woman bagged the first deer killed lawfully in Massachusetts in 12 years. Isn’t that going some for the coming woman? We cannot understand, however, how one dear could wish to harm another.

______

Inventions Wanted

Something to help us know what the other fellow is thinking of.

A suit of mail for deer hunters – and others who are forced to work in the open.

A machine that will spell words so we won’t have to fumble the dictionary so much.

______

Cheerful Comment

The “oldest inhabitant” can’t beat this weather.

We used to fight for the wishbone, now we’re content to get turkey.

A raincoat factory may be waterproof, but not fireproof.

Is that $50 white kitten also one of the art treasures?

Miss Sears and Mr. White have been engaged again – in flying.

It is hard to believe that there are sections of our country which have never heard of cranberries.

The Spanish steamer Ea has a remarkably short name, but it may take you somewhat longer to pronounce it correctly.

An actress in London cables to America that she is “terribly happy.” It must be just terrible to be terribly happy.

Jack Johnson’s failure to beat Barney Oldfield in an automobile race is given as the cause of the champion’s nervous breakdown. We tremble to think what might have befallen him if Jeffries had won out.

______

Thanksgiving

(Contributed.)

Mother’s thankful that it comes but once a year,

Father’s thankful when the turkey’s not too dear;

Brother’s thankful when it comes around again,

Sister’s thankful when the guests are mostly men.

Turkey’s thankful, doubtless (did we know his tone),

If overlooked – thankful to be let alone!

     Melrose.                          T. B. F.

____________

Nov. 23, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Thanksgiving in the Country

Bring on the turkey, mother, an’ the fixin’s one an’ all,

Pile ‘em high upon the table fur the big an’ fur the small;

It is time to set the dinner, it is time to set us down,

An’ my appetite, I reckon, is the biggest thing in town.

Bring on the sass an’ dressin’s, don’t leave anything behind,

’Cuz today we want to sample, mother, each an’ ev’ry kind;

So don’t furgit the puddin’, an’ please don’t furgit the pie,

Today’s Thanksgivin’, mother, an’ we’re goin’ to travel high.

Ain’t that turkey jest a daisy, ain’t he juicy, plump an’ brown?

Don’t he make you hungry, mother, ain’t he fit fur any crown?

See! His glossy skin is bustin’ an’ the stuffin’s runnin’ out;

O, I tell you, mother, children, this is heaven, jest about!

Draw your chairs around the table, loosen buttons where you kin,

You don’t want your highest collars interferin’ with your chin;

Now I’m going to carve the turkey – pass your plates you youngsters five –

Today’s Thanksgivin’, mother, ain’t it good to be alive?

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Try to keep in mind thet jest becuz the turkey is over-stuffed you ain’t obliged to foller suit.”

______

Thanksgiving Note

Nobody or anything wants to be looked upon as a small potato, but the turkey who has escaped the rigors of the season says he doesn’t mind being a leftover.

______

Table Etiquette

Don’t scalp the Indian Pudding; cut straight down.

What is sauce for the goose is also sauce for the turkey.

This is no day to pick a quarrel; try it on the bones.

Don’t try to paint the table cloth red with cranberry sauce.

Out of respect to the fallen gobbler don’t try to gobble everything in sight.

Do not ask for helpings till you can no longer help yourself.

Don’t lean on the table; probably the turkey is lean enough for everybody.

You may rest assured it is in perfectly good taste to knock the stuffing out of your appetite.

______

Future Revelations

(Contributed.)

Said the duck to the cook:

     “Oh, why should I die?”

Said the cook to the duck:

     “There’s a reason why.

It will all be explained to you

     By and by!”              J. A. T.

______

Perennial Frost

A little turkey now and then

Is relished by the best of men;

But women, I regret to say,

Prefer their ice cream any day.

____________

Nov. 24, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Night After

Last night he lay within his bed,

And visions bright danced through his head.

His mother tucked him safely there,

And left him when he’d said his prayer.

He dropped to sleep, and soon he spied

An airship waiting just outside.

He thought ’twas his, and with a spring

He jumped aboard the flimsy thing.

The motors buzzed, he turned the wheel,

And in a moment he could feel

The earth drop out, and then he flew

Off to a world of white and blue.

Like lightning did he go awing,

And then a most peculiar thing:

The airship changed from white to black,

And he was on a turkey’s back!

The gobbler flew, first high, then low,

With lightning speed, and then more slow;

It dodged the trees and buildings tall,

At every turn he thought he’d fall.

In vain he tried to make it stop,

The more he yelled the more ’twould flop;

It dove and wound o’er hill and dale,

And he, exhausted, sick and pale.

At last it rose high in the air

And dove, down, down, he knew not where.

The gobbler turned and gayly said:

“My turn has come, you’ll soon be dead!”

A crash! And in a mangled heap,

He partly wakened from his sleep.

His mother cried, then, through the door:

“What are you doing on the floor?”

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Smiles lay more smiles, an’ hatch happerness.”

______

Editorial Note

Anyway, nobody is picking strawberries and bringing them in now.

______

The Remains

No longer does he roost on high,

     Nor yet within the coop;

Just drop a tear for him today,

     The turkey’s in the soup.

______

A Sudden Thirst

“Is this a dry town or a wet?” inquired the drummer, as he dropped off a prairie train at one of the oil tank stations.

“Damp in spots,” replied the station loafer, pointing toward several places across the tracks.

“Porter!” cried the drummer, “throw off my grip; I’ll go up the line and see if I can sell a little blotting paper.”

______

Gungy Talk

Hank Stubbs – Did you ever notice thet w’en a man comes to die he ain’t wuth ha’f ez much ez people thought he wuz?

Bige Miller – Yep; but I allus wonder ef ’tain’t more their fault than ’tis his’n.

______

Cheerful Comment

Of course, they can can cod, can’t they?

Now, honestly, wasn’t Tom worth all you paid for him?

A movement is on foot in Albany to melt the Hudson River ice trust.

A real fight between Indians and cowboys has taken place in Montana. Hope the moving picture men were tipped off.

That St. Louis colonel who is trying to drink 20 pints of beer for 30 days in succession ought to be forced in out of the wet.

______

Seasonable Luxuries

Oh, smooth the wrinkles

     From your brow;

The oyster season’s

     With us now.

– Birmingham Age-Herald.

And chase the worried

     Look away;

The steaming flapjack’s

     Come to stay.

– Springfield Union.

And now we’ll fatten

     Smooth as silk

On rough-and-ready

     Mush and milk.

– Youngstown Telegram.

Pull up your chair

     With a glad sigh

And have a slab

     Of pumpkin pie.

– Houston Post.

A strip of bacon

     Now and then

Still makes us happy,

     Gentlemen.

– Chicago Record-Herald.

The whole long list

     Would we let slide;

Pop corns and then

     A glass of cide’!

______

Business is Business

“This country is so beautiful out here that I could just sit up nights and look at it,” said the school teacher from the city.

“That’s all right, Miss,” said the unsentimental farmer, “we hain’t no objections at all, on’y we should hev to charge you a leetle mite more fur karosene, I reckon.”

____________

Nov. 25, 10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Wrong in the Head

Ame Green he sat nightly in Stokes’s store

     Discussing the news of the day;

But more often, however, to criticize

     The fellows who’d gone away.

“There wuz Efram Blodgett,” ol’ Amos would say,

     “A smart enough boy they all said,

But all he would do wuz jest study an’ draw,

     Jest a leetle bit wrong on the head.

“An’ Amasa Wheeler, another queer lad,

     Frum the time he got out uv his bed

Wuz makin’ inventions, an’ that sort uv truck,

     Jest a leetle bit wrong in the head.

An’ Jonathan Perkins, the wust uv ’em all,

     Wrote poems an’ stories, they said;

He never wuz wuth the room he took up,

     Jest a leetle bit wrong in his head.

“An’ then there wuz ‘Tooter,’ Jim Willerby’s boy,

     All he wanted to do wuz to play

On his ol’ tootin’ horn. He skipped frum his home

     When Jim took his cornet away.

These fellers they might hev been somethin’ today

     Ef they’d stayed an’ a farmer’s life led;

But you can’t expect much uv a feller, I say,

     Ef he’s a leetle bit wrong in his head.”

     *            *          *          *          *      

Now Blodgett’s an artist of far-reaching fame,

     And Wheeler’s inventions we know;

And Perkins and “Tooter” have won fame and wealth

     In the paths that they chose long ago.

And I’ve noticed the fellows who’ve prodded the world,

     Who in all the great movements have led,

Are the men who fellows like Ame criticize,

     Just a little bit wrong in the head.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“The farm needs a bizniz head jest the same ez a factory or a carbuncle.”

______

False Note

Dispatches from China state that, owing to the fact that 2000,000 Koreans have severed their connections with their topknots there will be a big drop in rats and puffs. Some people are looking anxiously forward to the time when they will be dropped altogether.

______

Everyday Philosophy

Hope holds up more than suspenders.

However, don’t call a spade a spade when it’s a shovel.

When a woman says “no,” then you don’t always feel quite sure.

In standing up for your rights don’t sit down too heavily on others.

How easy it is for us to call other people silly when they have done silly things!

And you will find people stirring up hornets’ nests even after they have come away from the country.

Keep your eye on the bachelor who declares, with both hands up, that he will never marry.

Some one has inquired what has become of the old-time “Chatterboxes.” We rise to remark that they come canned nowadays.

______

In the Sweet By and By

The aviator, like as not,

     He who can gayly fly,

Will scorn those little angel’s wings

     When he gets up on high.

______

Knew the Situation

“Little boy, don’t you know you are in great danger on that thin ice?”

“How, sir?”

“Well, you might break through and get wet, and even if you don’t break through your parents would undoubtedly punish you severely if they knew you went on the pond.”

     “You ain’t no guesser, mister; if I break through an’ get wet I’ll be a hero at home an’ get all the sympathy an’ good things in the house.”

______

Musings of the Office Boy

De best bet is always bet-ter not.

Sometimes good business is pretty bad.

And den again some lines of talk are too long.

De best way to keep out o’ trouble is not to get in.

Dat bottle o’ seltzer in de boss’s desl speaks fer itself.

All de world loves a lover; de same might be said of a pretty stenog’.

Sometimes de only way to make a hit is by usin’ a five or a or a ten-strike.

I don’t mind growin’ up wid de bus’ness if my work don’t get too long a lead on de salary.

____________

Nov. 26, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Poet

He wrote a verse

     About a maid;

’Twas deep and terse,

     And well displayed.

The words he used

Were long and fine,

And he enthused

     O’er every line.

He said her hair

     Was bright as gold,

Her cheeks as fair

     As queens of old.

Her lips were red

     As reddest wine,

A shapely head,

     And form divine.

He sent it out

     To magazines;

’Twas put to rout

     Mid stormy scenes.

No matter where

He sent the “pome,”

It met despair,

      And wandered home.

And then he wrote

      A mournful rhyme

About a goat

      And can of lime.

It made a hit,

      And brought him dough;

That’s all of it –

      What do you know?

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“I dunno what would happen to the av’rige man ef he once got his work all done up.”

______

Newspaper Note

We often wonder why some editors publish the wedding column and death column side by side. We also wonder, if they feel that way, why don’t they publish them in the same column.

______

Pavement Philosophy

Dignity can’t be put on.

But the airship mustn’t “lay low.”

Love knows no bounds, but goes in them.

Be a live wire, but don’t burn your associates.

There are hustlers and there are jumping-jacks.

The manly man makes altogether the best woman’s man.

Also where wisdom is bliss ’tis folly to be ignorant.

There are many kinds of pleasures, and some of them aren’t so pleasant.

If it were not for the freshness of things we wouldn’t value the salt.

If everybody saved as much as they think they are going to, millionaires would be as common as second-hand automobiles.

It always costs more to buy than you think it will, and you always get less than you think you will when you want to sell.

______

A Food Combine

                              

“Oh, John,” exclaimed Mrs. Bayside, laying down the paper, “Isn’t it just lovely! You remember that young couple who were upset off here last summer in their sailboat? Well, they fell in love and got married. And they’re so well to do, too. Her father’s a rich packer and his father is a prosperous farmer.”

“Oh,” sniffed the summer hotel keeper, “a sort of corned beef and cabbage combination, eh?”

______

Working on Their Feelings

“He can bring his audience to smiles or tears at will.”

“I suppose some he owes, and some of them owe him.”

______

Domestic Doings

Says Hiram Henry DeHooker,

     And his voice with pleasure shook:

“Since we’ve had our fireless cooker

     We’ve simply fired the cook.”

______

Cause and Effect

“He’s a poet of passion, isn’t he?”

“Yes; I’ve seen him fly into one when his verses were returned.”

______

Mysterious Woman

When a woman declares she’s going to bring her husband up with a round turn can she possibly have in mind the hangman’s noose?

____________

Nov. 27, 10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

His Hens

The prices they are droppin’,

     They drop each day;

The cost o’ livin’s stoppin’,

     That’s what they say.

They say it’s all the tariff,

     That knocks our pay;

I’m sure I wouldn’t care if

     My hens would lay!

My wife has got the fever,

     Not a bad case;

Can’t find the time to leave her

     To work the place.

One’s life is pretty sad if

     One goes away;

But ’twouldn’t be so bad if

     My hens would lay.

This world is dark and dreary,

     And full of woe;

I don’t see nothing cheery

     Where’er I go.

My life will be a blight if

     Things go this way;

But it would be all right if

     My hens would lay!        

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“A bent is all right ef it doesn’t develop into a crook.”

______

Record Note

The worst feature about smashing a record nowadays is the likelihood of another smashing before you actually get away with it.

______

Round and Round

“Do you believe this world is round?”

“There have been times when I have been almost positive I have seen it going that way.”

______

We Know

Early to court,

     And early to quit,

Makes the young beau

     Most have a fit.

______

Queer Taste

“What do you think of the man who would pay $1000 for a cup of tea?”

“If he would pay that much for a cup of tea, there’s no telling what he might pay for something else.”

______

What Rank Injustice

“Hobbs declares there’s fifty women to one man in and around Boston.”

“Oh, Hobbs is one of those idiots who thinks he ought to have a seat in the street cars after he’s done a day’s work.”

______

There Might Be Exceptions, but –

“It’s the work that counts, old man.”

“Judging from what I’ve read about those who’ve secured American heiresses, you couldn’t very well put it the other way round.”

______

A Rare Bird

The man who says nothing and saws wood hasn’t been born yet – if there’s very much wood.

______

Baby Note

It isn’t always the baby’s fault that it didn’t take a prize at the baby show; it’s more apt to be the fault of the parent who took it there.

____________

Nov. 28, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

  

The Jocosities column for November 29, 1910 is either missing or never existed.

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Everyday Philosophy

Chicago’s seafood is so by adoption.

It is fine to think that women can’t make neckties.

All the world loves a lover, but the loveless loves him more.

Every invention we see we wonder why we never thought of it ourselves.

He who plays too long with political fire must expect to get roasted.

______

A Man of Action

(Contributed.)

The following incident happened at a political rally held in East Boston a few years ago: A candidate for office was in the midst of a very poor speech when some of the crowd started in to “jolly” him a little. The man stood it as long as he could, then stopped suddenly and yelled at the top of his voice: “I may not be able to make a good speech, but I can lick any man in the house.”          H. V. L.

Boston.

____________

Nov. 30, 1910

(Final Jocosities column published in the Boston Herald).