Jocosities, October 1 - 20, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

If I Were Rich

Would I were rich,

As rich can be;

I wouldn’t seek

Society.

I wouldn’t loaf

And smoke all day,

Nor buy a car

And ride away.

I wouldn’t dress

Like some folks do;

Nor strut around

In public view.

’Tis not for that

I long for wealth;

Nor do I want it

It for my health.

If I were rich

I’d buy some land,

And get some stock,

And take a hand.

I want a pile

Not for its charm,

But so that I

Can run a farm.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“The average man says he wouldn’t be like the other feller, an’ the other feller says the same thing.”

______

Political Note

The Republicans have got one landslide to their credit, anyhow – the one in Culebra cut, Panama.

______

Preventing Further Disaster

Motorist – Lower your gun, my good man; I’m sorry I ran over your hen, but I’m willing to settle for it.

Farmer – O, I don’t want any money fur the ol’ hen; but I’m jest keepin’ you covered till the rest uv the flock gets out of your way.

______

Cheerful Comment

Fine month-end weather.

Reports show a large crop of county fairs.

The farmers say they will have to keep close during the open season.

The New York sheriffs can’t do what the fair Cavalieri did – catch “Bob” Chanler.

Politics must be getting pretty hot in the South when it sets fire to a newspaper office.

“Aunt Delia” was 85 years old yesterday, which proves that pie-making is not unhealthy.

Of course, if those Hindus have the hookworm, as the government says they have, they should get the hook.

If “silence strikes” are to come into vogue we can see where they will be welcomed into the rooms of many peace-loving men.

There is some fear that the Boxers are on the point of breaking out again. What we need over in China is a few men like Jack Johnson.

______

Who’s He?

All of us have

    But here on earth

Our outs and ins

    Is one Jack Binns?

– Houston Post.

Wandering sad

    About, we guess,

Over the earth –

    Press agentless!

– Scranton Tribune Republican.

Another quest

    We hereby make:

What has become

    Of “Crazy Snake”?

______

Gungy Wisdom

Hank Stubbs – They are hevin’ a little trouble down to the city over whether a hen is a bird or not.

Bige Miller – So I read. But thet is easy enough.

Hank Stubbs – ’Tis, hey?

Bige Miller – Sure thing. A hen ain’t no bird; a hen is a egg plant.

______

A Parental Mystery

(Contributed.)

A prominent lawyer who once lived in southern New Hampshire had a son who unfortunately go into the habit of swearing. The lawyer became very much worried over his son’s conduct, and one day while he was talking to a friend about him. said: “I don’t see where that d       boy of mine learned how to swear!”

Boston.                                                  H. V. L.

______

Harvest Days

(Contributed.)

“The melancholy days have come, the saddest of the year” –

Nay, rather the most happy, for harvest days are here.

And Ceres and Pomona, with full, o’er laden arms,

Are giving out the gifts of earth from off a million farms;

The seed sown in the springtime, and the summer heat and rain,

Are brimming up the granaries, to sing the old refrain

That while the earth remaineth the seasons shall not cease

To give to man reward for toil – a thousand-fold increase!

O! pitiful must be the soul at such a banquet board

That hymn no praise while it partakes the bounties of the Lord.

     Melrose.                         T. B. F.

____________

Oct. 1, 1910

 

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Night Storm

I like the attic chamber when the rain beats on the roof,

     The rat-a-tat above me, and the drip-drip just below;

I like the wind a-sighing, through the maple branches crying,

     And the noises in the chimney where the frightened swallows go.

The rain-drops are the drummers in my visionary war,

     The thunder is the cannon that are booming at the foe;

And the lightning is the flashes of the rifles in their crashes,

     And the moaning eaves are soldiers chanting songs of death and woe.

     *        *        *        *        *        *

I like the attic chamber that I knew when but a boy,

     ‘Tis where I dreamed and pictured all the wonders I’d perform;

I would lead an army fighting on the heights of fame alighting,

     I would steer a ship in safety down the pathway of the storm.

Those visions they have faded in the coming of the years,

     The work-a-day has conquered all the dreams that gave delight;

But my heart it ever singles out the room beneath shingles,

     Where I listened to the battles of the soldiers through the night.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“You will notice thet the man who hez the hull world on his shoulders kin allus be induced to take on a little more.”

______

Labor Note

If you feel above your work it would be a good idea for you to occasionally come off your perch.

______

Pavement Philosophy

Hush money talks, too.

Good cheer is a valuable asset.

Time isn’t money to the loafer.

Love isn’t so blind in the morning.

Some people lose by not keeping in line.

What is one man’s pie is another man’s pudding.

The hobble skirt is first cousin to the French heel.

Smoked hams are good, but who wants to be a ham?

Walking pigeon-toed is not confined to doves.

Some women grow old worrying about how to keep young.

Also one man’s safety razor is another man’s scalping knife.

A beautiful stocking proves nothing on the inside.

Swearing may ease the mind, but it hardens the conscience.

When a man thinks he is doing great work he is beginning to go down hill.

Probably because “all the world’s a stage” is the reason so many people think they’d make good actors.

Some people have such a hankering for excitement that they are willing to start some of their own.

No doubt some of the people who say they can’t sleep very well have a habit of staying out nights a good deal.

______

The Return Gift

I met a show girl, blonde and bright,

     As lively as a kitten.

I gave her on her acts a hand,

     But she gave me the mitten.

 – Exchange.

I met a show girl, bright and gay,

     How she could dance and trip!

I gave to her a large bouquet,

     But she gave me the slip.

______

How It Works

“Does prohibition prohibit?” – Old question.

“Not if the ultimate consumer is bound to consume.”

______

A Matter of Direction

Amateur – I feel sure that my play will move an audience.

Manager – I haven’t a doubt of it, young man, but what we want is one that will make it keep its seat.

______

Too Young

Helen – Harriet is going to marry that man, and he is old enough to be her father!

Mabel – He’s rich, isn’t he?

Helen – Oh, he’s as rich as anything!

Mabel – What a pity he isn’t old enough to be her great-grandfather.

______

Before and After

“Jack, you don’t bring me as many chocolates as you did before we were married.”

“Yes, I know, but chocolates were all I had to buy for you in those days.”

______

Human Targets

“Guides are becoming scarce in the game regions, I am told.”

“Naturally, as the city sportsmen become better shots.”

______

Autumn

(Contributed.)

     When earth grows weary of her green attire,

     Gay autumn comes, with gypsy vesture bold,

     Her browns, rich crimsons and wide flaming gold

Replace the green, till earth seems all afire.

Kind mother-earth, her yearly labors o’er,

     In man’s behalf doth promise increase yield;

     Piles high her gifts in forest, orchard, field,

That barren days may find a plenteous store.

Each golden day man’s heart with rapture thrills,

     Each moment glows with joy and beauty rare,

As tender haze hangs o’er the distant hills

     And fragrant grapes perfume the bracing air,

Or western skies the sun in setting fills

     With opalescent glories, rich and fair.

     Webster.               SAMUEL G. REA.

____________

Oct. 2, 10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Coming Joys

It’s frosty round the edges,

     The wind is growin’ chill;

There is a change in color

     On medderland an’ hill.

Jack Frost is gitting’ ready,

     He’ll soon be comin’ back;

He’s gittin’ out his brushes

     To paint the garden black.

It’s frosty round the edges,

     It’s time to fix the sheds;

The hosses and the cattle

     All want some warmer beds.

It’s time to git the harvest

     An’ put it in the bins;

It’s time to cut the timber

     Fur toastin’ winter shins.

It’s frosty round the edges,

     The cider mills are prime;

We’re all a-gittin’ ready

     Fur good ol’ winter time.

It’s red-cheeked gals an’ apples,

     An’ sassy eyes thet glance;

We’ll soon call out the fiddles

     An’ hev a kitchen dance!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Allus kerry a little sunshine under the hat to keep the mildew out uv the system.”

______

Hunting Note

The deer hunting season is open down in Maine, but the deer are not worrying half so much as are the natives who would like to dig their potatoes.

______

Cheerful Comment

Warsaw again in the limelight.

Perhaps he needs a rest more than a specialist.

The pigskin will soon put it all over the horsehide.

October blushes everywhere; was ever a maiden’s cheek so fair?

Johnson and Langford both say they’d rather act than fight. Seems to be unanimous.

Doctor Langworthy of Washington, D. C., says we can live and thrive on three herring a day. But, doc’, how are we going to get the herring?

Six chorus girls have been fined in Washington for dressing near an open window. We think any chorus girl who wants to dress ought to be encouraged.

______

He Generally Is

“Does prohibition prohibit?” – Old Question.

Not if the ultimate consumer is bound to consume.

______

Who Can Tell?

I wonder and I wonder

     As I read of plays and stocks,

If Margaret Illington’s husband

     Is darning his own socks?

______

A Gungy Swap

Hank Stubbs – some outs about thet hoss Lem Hooker jest swapped fur, I understand.

Bige Miller – The hoss may hev a few, but I reckon Lem’s out the most.

______

Our Latest Pinch

(Contributed,)

(Tobacco packages shrink. Manufacturers reduce the size owing to increased revenue taxes. – News item.)

The prices that we’ve paid of late,

Our appetites to satiate,

And keep our clothing up to date,

Have made us ill to contemplate.

Now cigarettes, the papers state,

A box of ten will have but eight,

For which they charge the same old rate,

The tax is raised; we pay the freight.

But that no need to make us mad,

For cigarettes are but a fad,

Mild dissipation for a lad,

A silly thing when used by dad.

With good tobacco it’s not bad;

But when we bought some we were sad.

  *      *        *        *        *        *

We’d like to smoke a good cigar,

It’s too expensive, though, by far!

        Dorchester.              H. E. F.

______

Strong Fathers

“My father is so strong he could lift the State House.”

“Huh! My father is so strong he could lift the State House with your father on top of it!”

______

Trying to Account for Him

What has become of the old-fashioned passenger who used to lose his hat out of the car window? – Austin Statesman.

Possibly he is on the water wagon. – Louisville Courier-Journal.

Or possibly he is wearing a cap. – Chicago Tribune.

Or maybe there’s a screen in the window. – Cleveland Plain Dealer.

All wrong; he doesn’t wear his hat while riding on the train now.

______

A Dead One

“Why has he never got up in the world?”

“He tried to lift himself by his bootstraps.”

____________

Oct. 3, 10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

To the Rescue

“I wish,” the bashful young man said,

     As through the magazine

He turned from ad. to ad. and spied

     What all of us have seen,

The many correspondence schools,

     “They’d have, my stars above!

A correspondence school upon

     The art of making love.”

He murmured this in accents low,

     But she, who sat close by,

O’erheard the young man’s plaintive note

     And said, with sparkling eye:

“O, save your money, foolish boy,

     Much better ways are planned;

I’ll teach the art of making love,

     And teach it you first hand!”

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“The good men do lives after them. The bad they do gets after them.”

______

Personal Note

There isn’t any doubt that eyeglasses add to the looks of some people, if they are good looking glasses.

______

Just Cause

“You were good friends, weren’t you, up to a certain time?”

“Yes, but dog-gone it, I lent him 50 and he wanted too much time.”

______

To “W. Double R.”

“The high cost of living” is getting frayed. – Cleveland Plain Dealer.

So are the livers, Mr. Rose.

______

Every Day Philosophy

Man can’t live by bluff alone.

A bad penny may return, but good dollars don’t.

A secret is never safe until it’s common property.

If you are in bad, get out even if you have to crawl out.

Sometimes it is a good idea to make a noise like keeping quiet.

You can’t right a wrong by upsetting everything in the house.

The man who holds his temper holds the best end of the rope.

The phonograph is quite an ornament in the home – when it isn’t running.

If the devil claims all his own he must have a lot of people round that he doesn’t know what to do with.

______

A Ruthless Rime

A bathing maid, one afternoon,

Took a cramp in a lagoon.

Crocodile a-loafing round

Saved her, though, from being drowned.

– The Pathfinder.

Another maid we knew right well,

Fell into a thirty-five-foot well;

At last we raised her with a crank,

And saved the maid from being drank.

______

Everybody Wants ’Em

Experimenter -What we want to put on the market is a food that’s in everybody’s mouth.

Partner – Why not get up a sort of tongue-bisco?

______

The Woodland in Autumn

(Contributed.)

How invitingly the woodland calls in autumn;

     I was over yesterday across the bridge,

And I stood upon the highest hill in Wellesley –

     Perchance you know the view-commanding ridge.

I wandered through the scented, sighing forest,

     Leaving the much frequented paths alone;

Made friends with autumn leaves fast falling,

     Which, soon, will pass like other friends I’ve known.

Each tree seemed sad, each leaflet gently sighing,

     Nature was coaxing forth her softest shades;

Alas! Ere many brilliant sunsets vanish

     Her beauty, like a passing comet, fades.

O glorious woodland and gayly tinted leaves,

     Brighten the land with color while you may!

You soon will droop with cold and die of sorrow,

     And moaning winds will bear you far away.

     Wellesley Hills.                    R. J. E.

______

Nip and Tuck

“Don’t take it so hard, my dear boy, there’s just as good fish in the sea,” she said, almost pityingly, to the young man she had just thrown down.

“I know, I know,” he replied, dejectedly, “but they won’t bite so easily as you did at first.”

______

A Possible (?) Evolution

(Contributed.)

If evolution’s true, and from a single cell

We’ve graduated what we are, no one alive can tell

What is in store from us a century from now,

For organs that we have not yet may then our forms endow.

Argal, to dodge the airships when falling from the sky,

Protecting nature’s likely quite to grow and airship eye;

While enterprising hatters in our chapeaux will affix

A cute sky-light to warn us when an airship motor sticks.

      Melrose.                             T. B. F.

____________

Oct. 4, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

My Stage

The boundless world it is my stage,

     The hills and dales my scene;

Real water from my lakes of blue

     Flow down each wild ravine.

The actors are good friends of mine

     Who daily play their roles;

And off or on the stage I find

     Them true and loyal souls.

Life brings a new play every day,

     Some hero takes the lead;

Some moral lesson is portrayed

     To meet the world’s great need.

Alas! Some villain lurks behind

     The scenes, as in the play,

But who receives his just deserts

     The good, old fashioned way.

The orchestra I love to hear

     Comes from the woodland deep;

It is the tuneful song of birds,

     The winds that wail and sweep.

The lark plays well upon the flute,

     The bull-frog plays the bass;

The partridge drums, and “Bob White” calls

     The players into place.

The boundless world it is my stage, 

     Out in the everywhere;

I would not miss a single act

Performed by players there.

I would not miss the orchestra,

     And even at the close,

When night has forced the curtain down,

     I find a sweet repose.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“You can’t drive a good hoss onless fust you kin drive a good bargain.”

______

Success Note

Now that aviation has entered the field of competition it will be harder than ever for some folks to get to the top.

______

Everyday Philosophy

Some men’s argument is perfect silence.

One can feel cheap and still not want to sell.

Some men object to the title of “good fellow.”

The world is so big that even the popular song is limited.

There are plenty of maiden ladies who have nothing of the old maid about them.

Some people go into a restaurant to eat, while some others appear to go for the purpose of finding fault.

A man would have a pretty hard time getting along if he showed outwardly that he didn’t believe anything he heard.

A few generations hence and children will wonder what Whittier meant when he mentioned something about a “barefoot boy.”

The girl who is good enough to be the wife of the average mother’s son has to be a pretty good sort of a girl.

The average “Jack-of-all-trades” used to be a king-pin in his day, but nowadays if he gets a living he is doing pretty well.

______

The Hunting Season

I’m glad I ain’t a wild young deer

     Out in the woods, I van;

And still, for safety, I’d prefer

     To be a deer than man.

______

Her Diplomacy

“You could make my future brighter,” he said, looking at her longingly.

“I could say the same,” she replied, looking down.

“How?” he asked, eagerly.

“Well, an engagement ring with a diamond in it would help some,” she admitted.

______

Some One Gets It

Beacon – The high cost of living doesn’t seem to affect some folks.

Hill – No; the ones who are affected are the ones who give them tic.

______

Pachyderms

(Contributed.)

A pachyderm is a classy term

Applied to certain mammals,

Hippopotamus, rhinocerous,

And maybe to the camels,

The hog and ass are in this class,

The elephant, horse and tapir,

They’re not to blame for the awful name

Which sounds so bad on paper.

But, now my task is here to ask

A question somewhat private,

If I should shock, forgive the knock,

I know you will survive it,

Do you feel wit – the sting of it –

When wit at you is pointed,

Or does it slide from off your hide

Like oil off the anointed?

If it cuts deep, Ah! do not weep,

You’re lucky if you knew it,

No one can term you “pachyderm”

They simply cannot do it;

But if the tips of better quips

Roll off your hide of leather

Mon Dieu! Alas! You’re in the class

With all those beasts together.

                  – HARRY R. BLYTHE.

       Cambridge.

____________

Oct. 5, 10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

“The Great White Way”

(“Longing the see the ‘Great White Way’ is what led two Amesbury girls to run away from home.” – News item.)

The “Great White Way,” pray what is it

     That calls so loud today?

Is it a fiction, just a name,

     A fanciful highway

Where spectre souls pass to and fro

     In search of light and gay?

What is this thing that poets sing,

     This mystical “White Way”?

The “Great White Way” has monster arms

     That reach beyond the town;

It is the city octopus

     For lonely souls cast down.

Its dazzling rays shine far and wide,

     It bids all men be gay;

Its wondrous light destroys the night,

     This brilliant “Great White Way.”

Alas! It has another side,

     An undertow of gloom;

Beyond the scorching, fickle blaze

     There is the living tomb.

Each human soul is but a moth

     Seeking the bright and gay;

Alas! Beware, who seek the glare,

     Beware the “Great White Way”!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Most men, when they git into a peck of trouble, make a barrel uv fuss over it.”

______

Political Note

About the worst things his enemies have said about him up to date is something to the effect that it would seem that a man living so near an oyster bed would become imbued with some of the quietness of his surroundings.

______

Their Troubles

Pretty Girl – I don’t like to go down town because the men stare at me so.

Plain Girl – I don’t like to go down because they don’t.

______

Slang and Truth

“Daughter, why do you use so much slang?”

“Oh, but, mother, slang is expressive!”

“I don’t use slang, my daughter.”

“But, mother, you are not expressive.”

______

Practical Wishes

     Starlight, star bright,

    Grant me the wish I wish tonight;

Riches? Gems? Or honors? Nope!

    Just a perfect cantaloupe!

– Buffalo News.

    Star bright in sky so blue,

Another one I’ll ask of you,

While you’re fixing up the thing

Give us a peach that’s not a “cling.”

– Scranton Tribune.

    Starlight, star bright,

We, too, would wish tonight;

Beneath thy glimmer we would seek

A bright red ear, and then a cheek.

______

Every Day Philosophy

A still tongue is canned.

It pays to advertise that advertising pays.

If some one has your goat why not try a cow?

The bad boy has no use for his father’s brand of shoe dressing.

Sometimes a tied tongue does more good than a truthful one.

Occasionally you will find a man who is too tired to blow his own horn.

We would like to know if shopping without buying anything is real shopping?

One swallow, of course, doesn’t make a summer, but where there are none it is pretty hard into winter.

______

The Proper Line

The small boy now is seeking

     A straw that’s straight and slim,

That cider may be leaking

     From a bunghole into him.

– New York Telegram.

Since there’s plenty of cider making

     And the boy is passing alone

Why shouldn’t he a straw vote be taking,

     And not have to grind his own?

____________

Oct. 6, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The New Way

In moodiness he went to work,

     And moody he returned;

And though his wife tried to be nice,

     Her line of talk he spurned.

He would not say a word to her,

     Till by and by she took

A flat from off the kitchen range,

     Which in his face she shook.

Then, frightened, he appealed to her,

     “Don’t throw for love of Mike,

I cannot talk to you because

     I’m on a silent strike!”

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“The man who takes things as they come allus hez a good supply.”

______

Literary Note

So “Affinity” Earle is to write a book on his loves and near-loves? We hope instead of it being a best seller it will find the best cellar.

______

Sizing It Up

Most men look the other way, but for comfort’s sake they should occasionally look at the fellows who learn less than they do.

______

Put on Some

A Worcester home was robbed of $100 worth of plate and jewelry. Why only $100? Two or more cyphers would have looked so much better in the papers.

______

Beverage Is All Right

Hank Stubbs – Ef it gits much dryer here I don’t know what we’re goin’ to do fur water; wells are dryin’ up ev’ry day.

Bige Miller – Waal, you can’t say Providence hez left us in the lurch; we’ve hed a fine crop uv apples this fall.

______

A Fall Idyl

The frost is on the pumpkin now,

     Pray do not let it lie,

But take it to the kitchen quick

     And put it in a pie!

______

In a Bad Way

First fish = How are you coming on?

Second fish – O, swimmingly! How are you?

First fish – I’m not so well; I seem to be weak.

Second fish – Indeed? I’m sorry to hear it.

First fish – Yes; I can’t turn around without perspiring.

______

A Fall Idyl

The frost is on the pumpkin now,

     Pray do not let it lie,

But take it to the kitchen quick

     And put it in a pie!

______

Isn’t It So?

Every winter is the winter

     Of our discontent;

We’re always out of fuel,

     And back on the rent.

______

Horses and Mules

It is said that the horse’s eye magnifies, and that the reason he is so submissive to man is because man looks many times larger than he really is. People who ought to know say that if this were not so man would not be able to do anything with the horse in the way of mastery. The same thing probably apples to the mule, but from the way he acts sometimes, when he is not facing his arch enemy, man, it would seem that the theory doesn’t hold good. Of course, the mule would get out of it in this way, that when he is back to he can’t see the man, so makes no allowances.

______

The Martyrs of Cathay

(Contributed.)

Young Yo-Tip-Tin played a mandolin

In far-off staid Cathay,

He sang a song that was two days long,

The tale is true, they say,

He swore his love, like the stars above,

Was steadfast, staunch and pure,

To his Chi-nee he vowed to be

A hero – that was sure.

And the turtle-dove, who was his love,

Sat still the whole song through,

She was some tired, but her heart was fired

By what she listened to,

When Yo-Tip-Tin stopped the mandolin

She murmured where she sat,

“Your love I’ll try, please go and buy

A U. S. Girls big hat.”

To gay Hong Kong he tripped along

And bought it in a store,

He took it back with a dressing sacque,

Then she this raiment wore,

But he Empress Queen the sight had seen

And in fierce wrath she said,

“This is too much, this beats the Dutch,

I’ll have that peacock’s head.”

And the head did fall with hat and all,

While Yo-Tip-Tin went mad,

The darling girl who was his pearl

Was martyred – Oh, how sad! –

But the chopping could do little good

For the cause could not be cleft,

Though in Cathay, fair heads, they say

Are falling right and left.

    Cambridge.  HARRY R. BLYTHE.

____________

Oct. 7, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

When Autumn’s in Its Glory

When Autumn’s in its glory, and the world is red and gold,

     With a little blue above it just to make the scene complete,

I like to dream and wander through the woods and through the wold,

     And hear the crimson carpet as it rustles ’neath my feet.

O, far from melancholy is the feeling of the fall,

     When the apples, red and yellow, decorate the hanging bough;

When across the flaming meadow comes the cheery “Bob White” call,

     When signs of peace and plenty are upon Dame Nature’s brow.

When Autumn’s in its glory ’tis the harvest time of year,

     The fullness of the season, and the time for thanks and rest;

In the red and yellow landscape I find nothing sad or drear –

     When Autumn’s in its glory is of all the year the best.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Take time by the forelock, and be mighty sure you don’t do any monkey-doodle bizniz round his heels.”

______

Cheerful Comment

It’s a one-wife Mormon hereafter.

“Twenty to seven” is country baseball.

Cheer up, bards, Portugal’s new ruler is a poet.

Here’s luck to the Chicago to New York bird-men.

It is dangerous to belong to the navy in times of peace.

There seems to be no drought concerning that Westerly wood alcohol whiskey.

So Evelyn Nesbit Thaw is without funds? Now she is a true artist.

Is it to Boston’s credit to say that she can go without rain for nine more months?

In Persia there are no breweries or distilleries. Now we know why tourists travel so light in Persia.

We are mighty glad that we got married before MRS. Richard LeGalliene sought to discourage girls from marrying poets.

Postoffices were first established in 1464, and they do say that the postmasters read all the cards even in those days.

Did any matinee girls desist from eating chocolates for one day out of respect to the late Mr. Huyler?

We are glad that James Whitcomb Riley has been able to see another season of “frost on the punkin, and fodder in the shock.”

______

Taking Life Easy

(Contributed.)

Full of lofty ideals they had grown very wise,

They were anxious to prove what a wonderful prize

They were to the boss. Their invaluable worth.

How with keen concentration they honored their berth.

So there dangled o’er head at the desk of each slave,

On cards neatly printed “God hates surely a knave.”

“Use Push,” “Peddle Patience,” “Be Temperate,” “Be True

To Thine Own Self,” that fakirs for five cents bestrew.

The fat office boy, freckled-face, red-headed lad,

Sought to offset his desk with the new fangled fad

Of his elders, and puzzled his head all that night

For appropriate text that would look and read right.

“Take Life Easy,” none better appropriate. Say!

He was tickled to death as he hung it next day.

The slaves smirked in silence – the boss careful read

The words “Take Life Easy.” Then he nodded his head.

“He’s wise – “Take life easy” – ’tis a lesson to me,

To college I’ll send him and I’ll make him M. D.”

So that office boy, patroned, rose high in the land,

“For taking life easy, there’s always demand)

And the office men’s mottoes now read, “Fools for luck,”

And the best of us surely is oftenest stuck.”                   – G. A. U.

     Norwood. Mass.  

____________

Oct. 8, ‘10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Something Worth While

Don’t linger over trifles that rob you of time,

     No matter how much they beguile;

Turn down every fad that gets you in bad,

     And tackle the subjects worth while.

There are plenty of things as you go through life

     That will bring you a blessing and smile;

Let the measly things go that will waken a woe,

     And tackle the things worth your while.

Has your neighbor a past that won’t stand the light

     Which he’s trying to nobly live down?

It isn’t for you to dig up the clew

     And let it go whisp’ring through town.

Ah! No; ’tis for you to give him a lift,

     To rid your big heart of all guile;

Say nothing but good of the whole neighborhood,

     And then you’ll do something worth while.

Something worth while folks, that is the thing,

     There’s evil enough to subdue;

Do something worth while and waken a smile

     On the faces of those who love you.

It may be a word, or it may be an act,

     It may be just simply a smile;

But don’t let the day go gliding away

     Without you’ve done something worth while.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“They’s lots uv people in the world who won’t hev their picture’s took, but they won’t admit the true reason why.”

______

Pavement Philosophy

A lick in time saves some, also.

Nature preaches a good sermon every day.

Politics also makes strangely fed bellows.

Why does a hole in a coal bin always look so big?

The dry weather hasn’t interfered with the watering of stocks.

The better the day the better your deed ought to be.

People who build concrete houses don’t need to throw stones.

Automobilists don’t want to run people down; it only seems that way.

The most foolish people in the world are also the most serious at times.

He would be a strange individual indeed who thinks he isn’t worth more pay than he is getting.

Good things always come slowly; don’t you remember how impatient you used to be for flap-jack and maple syrup time to come round?

Some people would rather have the money taken out of their pockets than the words out of their mouths.

If some of the fashionable ladies this season talk through their hats they will necessarily hold long conversations.

Some people object to being whistled at like a dog, but it is a good deal better to be whistled at sometimes than not be noticed at all.

Just because there are going to be a few aeroplanes hovering about is no reason why you shouldn’t hold your head up as you always have done.

______

True to Name

“What do you think of the moving pictures?

“To tell you the truth I haven’t had a good look at them yet.”

“Why, I thought you attended frequently?”

“So I do, but they all move so fast I haven’t been able to make anything out of them yet.”

______

Portugal a Republic

(Contributed.)

“Welcome, little stranger!”

     To our family select –

We heard the stork was coming,

     But didn’t quite expect

You much afore the New Year –

     (You’re welcome any way; –)

Our only hope, young Portugal,

     Is that you’ve come to stay.

Of course, you’ll have your troubles –

     Your nursing mayn’t be good,

Your teeth will give you worry

     As will the change in food –

Twixt swaddling clothes and short cut,

     And coming to your own,

There’s a world of raps and tumbles

     Afore you run alone.

But when you get around well,

     And training some have had,

I guess your Uncle Samuel

     Will recognize you, lad!

Melrose.                      T. B. F.

______

Psalm of Drought

The farmer folk are getting weary;

The days are neither dark nor dreary.

The vine still clings to the mould’ring wall,

And at each wind gust the dead leaves fall;

But what they want most doesn’t come round,

And that is some rain to souse the ground.

______

All Provided for

“Before I come to call on you steady,” said the young man with the low cap, “I want to know if you have a kid brother?”

“Yes, I’ve got one,” said the girl with the gum habit, “But maw said if I’d only ketch a steady she’d snake the kid out of the way on courtin’ nights.”

______

Rural Note

Now that the leaves are falling each country town will have a better chance to catch a glimpse of its “wild man in the woods.”

____________

Oct. 9, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

On the Road

When you’re riding on the trains

     Watch your ticket;

If you don’t the fact remains

     Some one may pick it.

When you’re riding on the road

     Watch your grip, it

Often happens, I’ll be blowed,

     Some one may slip it.

When riding on the rails,

     Watch your coat, sir;

Else you’ll have, it seldom fails,

     No coat to tote, sir.

When you’re riding on the train,

     Watch your stuff, boys;

I’ve been stung – never again –

     This is no bluff, boys!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Ez a rule, the man who is too handy in the house ain’t very handy on the outside.”

______

Hunting Note

Reports from rural districts show that the sportsmen are shooting off a goodly number of leaves.

______

Cheerful Comment

A grand stand, you know, is to sit on.

Full time is the best time for workingmen.

That Mt. McKinley appears to be a vary hard nut to crack.

Trinity collegians down in Hartford, Ct., are seeing snakes.

Mrs. Ricker, suffragist and politician, says that women don’t think. They think they do.

Other cities ought to follow Trenton, N. J., in forming “Anti-Old Maid Clubs.”

How many summer residents of Maine know anything about that “moonshining” business? Hands up!

An exchange says that Chicago is short of cash. However, it won’t take her long to raise all the wind she needs.

The men have guards on the ends of their scarf pins to prevent them from slipping out. Why not force the ladies to wear guards similar on the ends of their long hatpins?

______

The Query Box

Dear Jocosity: We notice that a morning contemporary has been printing a series of hair-splitting articles on “Why does the Indian have no whiskers?” We have read the entire list of articles very carefully, but cannot make out from them why the Indian has no whiskers. Either we are dense or else the author failed to use hair restorer in place of ink while writing the explanations. In our anxiety to find out why the Indian has no whiskers we turn to you, knowing full well you will be able to answer the question with your eyes shut. – Two “Freshies.”

Indeed, too “freshies,” your Father Jocosity can answer your question while yet asleep. As a matter of fact, the Indian has whiskers, only they are on the opposite side of his head. Thank you.

______

Inebriated Bossies

It would be hard to part with the all too scarce snake stories were it not for “cow-jag” stories that have suddenly been thrust upon us. How true it is that every season has its blessings, and how readily we recognize our ancient friends, the stories of the day, as they appear regularly in the march of time. A well known farmer of Sutton went to his barnyard recently and instead of finding his two cows engaged in a chewing match found them in the delights of an early fall spree.

The cows, not being furnished with a little of the mild beverage, decided to grind their own and as a result overdid the operation. They were lying prostrate on the ground, dead to the world and unconscious of the criticism of the shocked farmer. He did not try to rouse them from their stupor, but allowed them to sleep it off when he gave them a severe talking to.

The only explanation is, of course, that the cows had partaken too freely of apples that had fallen into the yard, and their intoxication of delight had later merged into an intoxication of a more serious kind. While this method might be somewhat hard on the cows, we should think it would be an excellent way of securing a few quarts of milk punch. This particular farmer, however, being a tetotaller, says he has no use for milk punches or inebriated cows, either, and is going to force them to sign the pledge.

____________

Oct. 10, 10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Handed Down

Mother’s got a pretty face,

     And form that is perfection;

Alas! Her disposition’s what

     Folks call her chief objection.

Father’s homely as a jay,

     As homely as perdition,

But like a sunny summer day

     Is father’s disposition.

Mother says I take from pa

     My looks that are so homely;

Pa says my disposition’s like

     My mother’s, far from comely.

If I take my looks from pa,

     Who really looks like thunder,

And take my actions from my ma,

     Gee! I must be a wonder!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Jest becuz they’s two sides to a question is no sign thet they are evenly balanced.”

______

Season Note

Why has nobody mentioned “brown October ale?”

______

In Gungywamp Land

“Connecticut’s first experience with the Australian ballot was not exactly a howling success.” – Connecticut Valley Advertiser.

No; most of the howl came after the election was over.

______

Cheerful Comment

At last summer has got her’n.

Better pick your strawberries before the frost gets ’em.

A baby with 12 toes has just been born. Must have intended it to scratch for a living.

A man was sent to jail for stealing a tin whistle. What a relief to the neighbors not to have to hear it!

Those gems that were smuggled over here in cheese must have smelled of something besides money.

Ten thousand tons of Christmas toys is some weight for poor old Santy to “back” around.

The dictator of Portugal is going to give a trial rule of six months – if he can hold the job down that long.

The Rev. Herbert Johnson defends the hobble skirt. Let him put one on and try to catch a car!

Cold feet wins a divorce out in Logansport, Ind. Heretofore cold feet have been the cause of many divorces.

The men who offer prizes for long distance air flights are stretching it; now it is from the Atlantic to the Pacific.

______

A Change in Direction

O, Boston, you’re a funny town,

     To take from us our drinking cup;

Instead of drinking water down

     ’Tis now we have to drink it up!

______

Attention!

We saw a straw hat yesterday

     Upon a chap;

If this continues we don’t know

     Just what will hap.

______

Making Use of the Governor

(Contributed.)

The late Gov. Charles H. Bell of New Hampshire, was a very dignified man. One morning while he was walking along one of the streets in Exeter he was stopped suddenly by a little girl, who said to him:

“Good morning, Governor Bell, would you mind going into one of the stores down town and getting some empty boxes for me?”

______

Woman’s Way

“Will you love me so long as I live?” she asked tenderly, stroking his new 50c. necktie.

“How do I know that I am going to outlive you?” he queried, dodging the issue.

“But you could just as easy as not if you wanted to,” she pouted, turning her back on the brute just for spite.

______

A National Danger

(Contributed.)

It’s not good wit to mention it,

This subject of my lecture,

But it pervades our best brigades

And stalks in the prefecture,

The germ is here and much I fear

It threatens church and nation,

This grave disease it, if you please,

Excessive incrassation.

The malady is this, you see,

A man gets thick and thicker,

It sometimes starts in certain parts

By too much use of liquor,

If it goes on, the paragon

Of national type will suffer,

The world will slam your Uncle Sam

With, “What a fat Old Duffer!”

                     HARRY R. BLYTHE.

      Cambridge.

____________

Oct. 11, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Autumn on the Crick

“The frost is on the punkin, an’ the fodder’s in the shock;”

Young Jack is skulkin’ closer to give us all a knock.

The leaves are fallin’, fallin’, from off the swain’ trees,

They’s hints o’ winter comin’ on ev’ry northern breeze.

But while the woods grow barren, an’ gardens turn to black

The fishin’ on ol’ “Lizzard” is surely comin’ back;

The pickerel are active an’ juicy, fat an’ thick,

So, altogether, autumn is welcome on the “Crick.”

I hate to see the medders all growin’ dry an’ brown,

An' see the trees a-shakin’ an’ leaves come tumblin’ down.

I hate to see the swallers a-leavin’ uv the air,

An’ see the hillsides barren an’ dismal ev’rywhere.

But still it makes me happy to see the water black,

An' so I say, “Come autumn, you can’t come none too quick,

Becuz you bring good fishin’ fur us on ‘Lizzard Crick!’.”

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Ef all the foolish talk we hear wuz converted into power, electricity would be a drug on the market.”

______

Beauty Note

Speaking of beautifying Boston, we know of two things that would go a long way in that direction. One would be to have all the men folks shave more often, and the other would be to discard all the women’s hats that look like inverted peach baskets and rest way down upon their shoulders.

______

Cheerful Comment

If Christopher could only see us now!

Director Henry Russell himself hath said it.

It’s hard to know just what to do with your furnace.

Cousin Caruso appears to be getting stung both off and on the stage.

Perhaps that crank visitor merely wanted a piece of Aunt Delia’s apple pie.

A St. Louis oyster disclosed 17 pearls. There appears to be monopolists even down amongst the oysters.

Salem’s boy mayor says he will not run again. Possibly he feels that he will not win in a walk.

The two richest “catches” in the world are going to tour America. It ought to be a busy season for the girls and their mammas.

If deer hunting with bow and arrow will help in preserving human life in the Maine woods let’s encourage it.

Prof. Harry Thurston Peck and his former stenographer might collaborate in the writing of a very interesting, “one of the six best sellers,” novel.

______

Light on the Future

“There is a dark man going to cross your path,” wailed the fortune teller.

“It is that colored janitor again!” exclaimed the lady who could account for everything, “but I told him once for all that I never should hire him again.”

______

Pa Is Keen

“Pa, what is a fiasco?”

“A fiasco, my son, is putting up a bluff that you’ve got to stay out late on business and then having your wife say that she will call round the office and come home with you.”

______

The Situation

(Contributed.)

There’s a stirring in the nation for “insurgency” is rife;

They have severed their relation with the party of their life.

As new leaders they are speaking, think the need is greatly felt;

That the man for whom they’re seeking be our Theodore Roosevelt.

There’s unrest in every section, and the time is drawing near

When the voters at election send the “old guard” to the rear;

Oh, the people they are learning, but they need a leader first,

And perhaps we’ll find them turning to this William Randolph Hearst.

While these things we are beholding, and the coming man we wait,

While the issues are unfolding safe will sail the ship of state.

At the helm we have one steering who will wisely guide the craft;

There’s no danger to be fearing with our William Howard Taft.

                                      H. E. F.

      Dorchester.

______

Still They Come

Ah, Boy, I’ve been from place to place,

Just let me start you right

If you are bound to wed, don’t chase

     The beauty or the fright.

                   – J. C., in Boston Herald.

But, Lad, if the truth you would know,

     Shun the “comic feller”;

Take any girl who has the dough,

     Be she white or yeller.

                                      “LEANDER.”

     Peabody.

____________

Oct. 12, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Those Tantalizing Bands

(Trying to write a poem Columbus Day.)

Across the hills, and far away

The red and gold in bright array,

With young Jack Frost, march hand in hand –

O, gee! Here comes a big brass band!

“Boom, ump-ta-ra-ra,” down the street,

With martial tunes that can’t be beat;

With flying colors, golden braid,

Hooray, here comes the big parade!

Let’s see, where was I? Yes, I know,

’Twas of the rich, autumnal glow

That I was writing, autumn’s flush

Laid on by Jack Frost’s artistic brush.

The hills, reflected in the stream,

Enhance the poet’s fondest dream;

A rare bouquet from nature’s hand –

O, gee! Here comes another band!

“Boom, ump-ta-ra-ra,” with a vim,

In Mrs. Howe’s great “Battle Hymn”;

The trombones slashing left and right,

O, what a fine, inspiring sight!

But of my verse, it must be done

To greet tomorrow morning’s sun.

Fair autumn, would that you could stay

With us forever and a day.

In vain the painter tries to claim

Your beauties on his canvas frame;

No human brain could e’er have planned –

Gee whizz! Another big brass band!

“Boom, ump-ta-ra-ra,” here it comes

With blasting horns and beating drums.

No use, my poem’s up the spout,

Those bands have knocked me down and out!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“The bantam ruster feels jest ez big ez the leghorn, an’ sometimes he is.”

______

Political Note

W. J. B. cannot hope to be in T. R.’s class until he takes a long hunting trip and a round or two in an aeroplane.

______

Cheerful Comment

“Horse and foot” in Boston town.

A $3000 servent is some expensive.

“Hands Across the Sea” to Walter Wellman.

If you put them on, remember you must leave them on.

How is it Teddy didn’t want to drive the aeroplane himself?

An Argentine ship is to enter Boston Harbor. Man the shore batteries!

The cooks are going to try to strengthen themselves. Alas, for the kitchen ware!

Too bad Turtle’s opponent at Pittsfield, and whom he defeated, was not named “Hare” instead of Hall.

If that White House automobile keeps on it will be accused, by the opposing party next year, of joy sprinting.

The Republicans say they have several good men they can loan to the Democrats for a gubernatorial candidate.

______

From One Who Knows

“What is the great thing about a planked steak?”

“Planking down the price, I should say.”

______

Adoni Speaks Again

My boy he deeg een tranch all day,

     You theenk eess a bum

Maybe, baycause he’s notta clean.

     Perhaps leev een da slum.

But heesa pretta gooda boy,

     Good heart, an’ gooda han’;

An’ yasterday een dat parade

     He was a beega man!

My boy, he deeg een tranch all day,

     But he ees gooda lad;

He keep heemsel’ so vara straight

     He never mak’ me sad.

But yasterday he mak’ me proud,

     Een uniform so gran’;

He march so straight an’ keep da step, –

     He was a beega man!

______

Food for the Fishes

One Bert Andrews, an angler of Worcester, had a peculiar experience while fishing for pickerel in the lake a few days ago. He hooked a large fish, and while pulling him in hand over hand, his fingers caught in his watch fob and jerked his timepiece into the water, where it still remains.

Bert was glad, of course, to land the pickerel, but sorry to lose his watch, and says that hereafter if fishing is going to take so much of his time he hasn’t a minute for it. We fear Bert isn’t a true angler, a philosophical fisherman. The real fisherman never reckons the cost. Wherefore is the difference if a man catches a pickerel and loses his watch, or catches a pair of seven-inch trout in the spring at a cost of $50 for the fare, team hire, privilege and guide services?

But Bert is worrying needlessly over the loss of his watch. It need be only temporary. Following out the tradition of pickerel fishing he only needs to keep at it a little while when his watch will be returned to him. It would be a pretty measly pickerel indeed that would see a nice, shiny watch on the bottom of the lake and leave it there in good running order. The pickerel of song and story would make one grand swoop and swallow the timepiece without so much as disturbing the hair spring. What Bert wants to do is to just keep on fishing, and whenever he lands a pickerel let him hold it up to his ear and listen. Sooner or later he will hear a ticking sound and the lost treasure will be his.

____________

Oct. 13, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

An Autumn Message

I sent to her an autumn leaf,

     Which I with care had pressed;

And with it penned a four-line verse,

     To her dear self addressed;

“Dear one, this leaf of red and gold

     I send to prove I’m true;

I’ve pressed it very carefully,

     And wished the same were you.”

I waited for the maid’s reply,

     It came quite late today;

She thanked me for the autumn leaf,

     And then went on to say:

“Your words were a delight to read,

     And were, no doubt, well meant;

But, sir, I wouldn’t want to be

     Pressed like the leaf you sent.”

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Many hands make light work, an’ yit, too many cook sp’ile the job.”

______

Gun Note

It has been figured out that the average life of a big gun is only four seconds. This is, of course, based on the actual working time of the gun. And yet, we know of some big guns that have been in operation these many years.

______

Cheerful Comment

The season is dry without being witty.

Have the “vodvil” managers thought of King Manuel?

The Doves are not roosting very high at the year end.

Some states are fortunate, perhaps, in not having any forests to burn.

Caruso must think, with many others, that life is just one (blamed) thing after another!

For one person, especially a Dowlieite, $60,000 is a fearfully large spirit bill.

Another author’s wife is after a divorce, Mrs. Charles F. Lummis. Wonder if it’s the artistic temperament again?

As the banana crop in Jamaica is in danger of being ruined, perhaps you’d better put in an order for a Barrel of New England apples.

______

Actors and Acting

(Contributed.)

We’re all actors in a way,

Tough we get not actors’ pay;

For the things we do or say

Would not take upon the stage,

Nor considered all the rage

In this present funny age.

And so we do our part

In the house or in the mart,

Regardless of the art

Or the pay.

Boston.                          J. B.

______

The Question Box

Dear Jocosity: How can I become a trained nurse? – Zella.

By going into training, Zel.

D. I. L.: Your question, “How long is a string,” may be all right, but rather than have you get us on one we’d refer you to a twine store.

Father Jocosity: We have been told what becomes of the pins and the pennies, but I for one would like to know what becomes of all the umbrellas? Perhaps you can tell me, – Sufferer.

We know what becomes of ours, Suf; they are borrowed maliciously.

______

Gardening

(Contributed.)

A Gard’ner took a rambling weed

     Growing through his picket fence,

Studied all its needs with patience,

     Gave it love and care immense.

And today our lawns it graces

     With its beauty, and our joy

Is to own it; so the teacher

     Takes the willing girl and boy.

That in days when they succeed us –

     Billy, Mary, Johnny, Flo –

May life’s chores accomplish better

     Than do we with what we know.

Melrose.                                 T. B. F.

______

An Exeter Comparison

(Contributed.)

At a reunion of Phillips Academy students held in Exeter, N. H., some years ago there was unfortunately a great amount of punch consumed by the alumni. After this ultimate consuming had been going on for some time a large number of the boys were in a rather tight and loose condition. On the principle business street the town drunkard stood, sober for the first time in a long while. After watching “the boys” acting in a highly hilarious manner for some time he turned to some of his cronies and said:

“It’s all right when these educated fellers get soused, but when we get drunk we get 30 days.”           H. V. L.

Boston.

____________

Oct. 14, 1910

                                           

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Slow-Moving Crowds

When passing down a city street,

     Your visage wreathed in woe,

Because the crowds you pass and meet

     All move so very slow,

You have a deep, impatient sigh,

     Because you cannot bolt

Full speed ahead, with head held high,

     And give the crowd a jolt.

How slow the world moves, is your thought,

     It’s far too slow for you;

You sort of think it should be taught

     To speed a cog or two.

But let me tell you frankly, Bo,

     Rush madly, blindly on;

The lagging crowd will come and go

     When you are dead and gone.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“They’s a mighty lot uv good swimmers who can’t paddle their own canoes.”

______

Detective Note

Now that the body of Restelli, the Quincy murderer, has been found in a quarry hole of that town, wouldn’t it be a good idea to put the detectives who discovered him in Italy on the trail of the Los Angeles dynamiters?

______

Cheerful Comment

Now, then, all together on the Maine!

Dartmouth has a rain-making course.

About once in so often those “bubbles” burst.

Chanler’s estate is tied up. What a pity “Bob” wasn’t!

Messrs. Wind and Rain are having a little revolution down in Cuba.

Even presidential families sometimes know the delights of house-hunting.

Just because Jack Frost is holding off is no sigh that he’s gone out of commission.

Now that Wilkesbarre, Pa., can’t get its name copyrighted, we take pleasure in saying we never could quite understand why it should have any fears of being stolen.

______

No Protection

The hobble skirt so narrow is

     In spots we scarce can find it;

There’s one thing sure: Poor man would have

     A job to hide behind it.

______

Wanted, a Husband

While lots of women are paying larger sums to get rid of their husbands, now comes forward a comely German woman in Washington, D. C., offering $200 for a life partner. It is safe to say she will have no trouble in finding a lord and master. When men will go so far as to steal a dollar or two there isn’t a shadow of a doubt but that they would accept $200 as a present when a good wife is thrown in as a premium.

Although this German woman is no kin of ours we cannot help feeling a brotherly interest in her. Yea, at time we wish we were living within walking distance of Washington. In our present condition $200 looks good to us, and if the woman looks half as good as the money we can see where our life would be one great success if we could annex the opportunity.

Alas! We are in Boston, and doubtless before we could reach Washington the plum tree would be shook and probably some bachelor senator, or some enterprising newspaper man will have appropriated this German possession. But we fain would give the fair lady a hint, for it is very probable she isn’t well versed in our American matrimonial schemes. Our little hint is this: She should get her hooks well into the villain, see that he is duly married, bound hand and foot with his shoes locked up, before she hands over the $200.

____________

AUTUMN WUNDERLUST

(Berton Braley in Puck)

I am restless, somehow, Bill,

     As the air grows slightly chill

          There’s a tingle in my blood that comes with fall.

              For the haze is in the sky,

              And the ducks are soon to fly –

          I can almost hear their leaders as they call.

I’ve been furbishing my kit,

(Guns and all the rest of it).

     And the outfit’s lying ready on a chair;

          Boots and corduroys and hat

          And my pipe – be sure of that –

     And the sweater that I always used to wear.

Hunting fever is, I think,

Stronger than the thirst for drink.

     Every year it leads me outward, and I go

          To the haunts of beast and bird

          Where the hunting call is heard,

     And the reeds are all a-quiver to and fro.

     Aren’t you coming, Billy, too,

Oh, I know you’ve lots to do;

     But you follow my example – let it slip.

          When the air is like champagne

          It goes bubbling to my brain,

     And I take my rod and gun and blithely skip!

Now don’t sit there looking glum,

Needn’t shake your head, you’ll come,

     Though your act is good enough to fit a play;

          But you might as well confess

          That your negative means “Yes,”

For I saw you buying powder yesterday!

Oct. 15, 10

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Bill’s Health

He set around in Stokes’s store

The blessed livelong day;

A-talkin’ pollertics an’ sech

     The same ol’ hum-drum way.

He never hed a new idee,

     Nur nothin’ much to tell;

But he could hol’ a nail kag down,

     An’ hol’ it mighty well.

‘Twuz whispered round thet on his farm

     Things wuz a bit run down;

Thet while he set in Stokes’s store

     An’ criticized the town

His land wuz goin’ all to pot

     Becuz it hed no care;

An’ ef it wuzn’t fur his wife

     They’d starve to death fur fair.

Hen Billin’s saw him settin’ there

     One night, short time ago;

An’ when it comes to right an’ wrong,

     Now Hen ain’t very slow.

“How be you, Bill?” Hen says to him,

     “I’m sorry you hain’t well;

Fust time you’ve ben right down real sick

     I guess, fur quite a spell?”

“Sho, I ain’t sick,” says Bill to Hen,

     “What makes you think I be?

Fact is, I ain’t felt quite so good

     My hull blamed life,” said he.

“It’s my mistake,” says Hen to Bill,

     “I’m glad you feel so slick;

Jest seen your wife a-splittin’ wood,

     An’ s’posed thet you wuz sick.”

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Sometimes the short cut to wealth is the unkindest cut of all.”

______

Domestic Note

Girls matrimonially inclined shouldn’t lose any sleep over the statement of Mrs. Millie Spellman of the New York Hippodrome, to the effect that bears are easier to train than husbands. They can overcome the difficulty very easily by selecting a husband already trained.

______

Pavement Philosophy

Fairy tales never go out of style.

Sometimes an easy job is hard lines.

Think of the distance you lose by toeing in.

A pretty woman is a whole argument in herself.

Love at first sight should consult an eye specialist.

He who works his friends soon works his own finish.

Talk isn’t cheap when it hurts the one talked about.

Only a few years ago high-flyers were looked on with suspicion.

Sometimes the man who is his own boss should have a better on.

When you ask a man home to dinner don’t forget to ask the wifey first.

Sometimes, and too frequently, the milky way lies down by the old yard pump.

There’s a big difference between feeling rocky and having plenty of them.

Persons who fly off the handle easily are not always so easy to handle.

It is hard work to know just how much to know when someone is trying to find out what one knows.

It is all right to say “cheer up,” but where would the dentist be if he wasn’t always looking down in the mouth?

There is an old saying that one would better be out of the world than out of style, but many would rather be out of both than out of money.

______

“Going Down!”

“No wonder the giraffe looks happy when he eats.”

“Why so?”

“Gee, think of the long taste he’s got!”

______

The Habit

Boy – Got any pickles?

Grocer – No, but I’ve got something just as good.

Boy – What is it?

Grocer – Some good rubber hose.

______

Words I Have Met

I’m sort of stuck on “recherche.”

     It is a noble word and great,

You must pronounce it “ress-ur-shay,”

     And push down the ultimate.

– Houston Post.

And I admire “decolette” –

     When the neck is fair and plump.

You must of course say “da-ka’lo’tay”

     And give the “tay” a thump.

Scranton Tribune-Republican.

And I like “lingerie” quite well,

     It is quite fine to see;

But to pronounce it passing well

     Don’t “linger” on the “ree.”

____________

Oct. 16, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Hits

The bold prospector on the mount,

     Amongst the rocks and grit,

Digs day and night with all his might,

     And tries to make a hit.

The politician on the stump,

     The boxer with the mitt,

All sally out with purpose stout

     To try to make a hit.

From president to office boy,

     From king to humble slave,

All through their lives of varied drives

     Till mastered by the grave

They start each day with purpose fair

     And hope, ere day has quit,

That they will make a bullseye break,

     That they will make a hit.

The humble poet, lean and long

     Up in his attic dark,

He too, each day is in the fray,

     He tries to hit the mark.

And so the so-called funny man,

Who throws a humor fit,

 He, too, essays in many ways

     To make a laughing hit.

Alas! The days they come and go,

     Some hit the bullseye near;

And some go wide, far to the side

     And nevermore appear.

We swing and swing day after day

     To give the old sphere fits,

But fate she throws her glancing blows,

     We make more fouls than hits.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Some folks can’t sleep well at night becuz it’s most mornin’ afore they try it.”

______

Fashion Note

There’s one thing for sure, the hobble skirt won’t win in a walk.

______

A Fine Point

“Why do most all the artists wear pointed beards, pa?”

“I don’t know, son, unless they use ’em for blenders.”

______

Cheerful Comment

And so Larry Lajoie’s hits count.

Mrs. Fleming is a star at finding them.

Life is one thing after another for Prof. Peck.

Also isn’t the word “efficiently” overworked a little?

The murder and suicide germ needs looking after, too.

Question: How long does a grand stand stand?

Evidently all of the cars don’t take the curves slowly.

There’ll be many a hitch in that Parisian hobble skirt race.

It is the open season for moose, but few moose will be found in the open.

Jack Frost has been calling in some of the suburban districts and left his mark.

People who are interested want to know if the long drought is going to affect the price of new fall cider.

If enough gold and tourmaline mines can be discovered in Maine they may make up partially for some of the good things that the state has lost.

______

Bonnie Walter Wellman

Walt Wellman is over the ocean,

     Walt Wellman is over the sea;

Here’s hoping that bold Walter Wellman

     Will make a safe landing in E.

Bring back, bring back,

O, bring back Walt Wellman safe-lee.

______

Sometimes It’s Battered

Beacon – How is a new republic recognized?

Hill – By its appearance.

______

Has It Come to This?

Hank Stubbs – I’d like to go out an’ pick up a few chestnuts, but I don’t dast to.

Bige Miller – Why not?

Hank Stubbs – I’m feard I’ll be mistook fur a squirrel an’ git shot.

______

That Tin-Headed Woodchuck

A Swansea hunter was much surprised a few days ago upon discovering what appeared to be a tin can start from behind a tree and run across the road. Pursuing the strange object, he found that a woodchuck had gotten its head into the can and could not get it out. The hunter concluded that the “chuck” was hunting for some, and found a little “left-over” in the can and tried to secure it. That may be true and it may not. In view of the prevailing style of head dress, it may be that the four-legged follower of fashion was merely trying on the empty can for an up-to-date bonnet.

____________

Oct. 17, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Turning O’er the Soil

(A South Bend, Ind., woman, in spading a flower bed, unearthed a rusty can containing $1145. – News Item.)

We’re always glad when spade or plow

     Turns something out worth while;

A decent crop of any kind

     It always makes us smile.

For years we’ve written of the farm,

     And urged young men to toil;

There’s money to be made, my son,

     In turning o’er the soil.

The ground holds treasures bright and fair,

     They everywhere abound;

There’s hidden mysteries galore

     ’Neath every foot of ground.

But you can’t coax them out, my son,

     Without a deal of toil;

In order to obtain reward

     You must turn o’er the soil.

See what this South Bend woman’s done,

     A simple flower bed,

She turned a thousand dollars out!

     Does not this turn your head?

Get out your spade, get out your plow,

     Don’t scorn the rustic toil;

You know not what you may unearth

     When turning o’er the soil.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“The feller who says nothin’ but saws wood don’t allus keep the fire goin’.”

______

Squirrel Note

A New York authority declares that the squirrels of Central Park are petted too much. But, sir, the bachelor girls of your burg must have something to pet, don’t you know?

______

Cheerful Comment

Beverly can pull herself together now.

We trust that Skipper Wellman will discover Europe.

“America” will be a great name if the balloon wins.

Sunday still appears to be an unlucky day for autoists.

Is “Harvard 1,” going to let “Tech 1” get the first rise?

Santa Claus will find that airships are mighty hard things to jam into small stockings.

New York’s latest fad amongst the fashionable is costly gowned dolls. Anything but the real thing.

Hats are bigger, hat pins are bigger, everything is bigger including the nuisance.

An exchange says that King Manuel had a “noisy send-off” at Gibraltar. So he did in the other instance.

Artist Robert Hamilton, of Winsted, Ct., who tried unknowingly to heat his studio with a harmless looking hornet’s nest, says he wasn’t the only one who did a “hot-foot.”

______

The Bird and the Man

A country stable-keeper was driving a salesman from one town to another when, in passing through a wooded section, the salesman seized the lines and brought the horse to a halt.

“What is that noise?” he queried, listening to a peculiar sound coming from the woods.

“That? O, that’s a partridge drumming,” replied the driver.

“Well,” mused the salesman, letting go the lines, “I hope he’s had better luck than I have today.”

______

Green Wood to Burn

“I tell you,” said the good wife in a huff, “I have grounds for complaint!”

“And so have I,” returned the husband, making a wry face over his cup of morning coffee.

______

The Painter Foiled

“That picture,” said the artist, with considerable heat, “is an exact copy of mine.”

“An exact copy, you say?”

“Yes, sir, and exact copy.”

“Then,” said the delighted man, who had bought it for a song, “why isn’t it as good as yours, at quarter the price?”

____________

Oct. 18, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Some folks go down into the sullar an’ then blame the world becuz ti don’t find ’em.”

______

Spanking the Spanker

The spank habit has broken out in Camden, N. J. One, Mr. Frank Gatz, has been haled into police court on the charge of assault and battery committed upon the person of his wife. In sifting the evidence down to a fine point the judge found that Frank had merely spanked her in an effort to have his meals served on time. In defending himself Frank said that he thought ’twas his right to spank his wife because he had seen his father spank his mother in the old days. The judge said that the spanking of grown-ups had gone out of style and he’d have to swat him a nominal fine and costs of court. The wife then agreed to go home with Frank with the understanding that there was to be no more spanking in the Gatz family.

After all is said and done it may be that Frank was on the right track. A little love pat now and then has been known to do good. Of course, the location and force with which it is administered should figure in the case somewhat. Frank, after a hard day’s work, wanted his supper on time and took that way of bringing it about. Probably it wasn’t because her husband simply spanked her that Mrs. Gatz took the case to court, but she resented being put in the kindergarten class.

The ladies of Camden breathe easier now that the case was decided against Mr. Gatz. The Gatz home wasn’t the only place where suppers were delayed, and we fear that now, since the news has gone abroad that Mrs. Gaatz won out, matters won’t improve any for hungry Camden husbands, but, of course, they will have to respect the law, poor men!

______

Cheerful Comment

Raincoats are having a poor show.

Philadelphia will be awake for a few days, at least.

Orators shouldn’t hold up the “cheap stocking” argument if they want to make a hit with their lady listeners.

The Somerville liquor squad caught the horse, but lost the keg of beer that was being hauled. This is too bad; they can’t drink the horse.

Pets are becoming useful as well as ornamental. Recently a parrot saved a family from fire and a canary saved another from gas. Now it’s a cat that foiled a burglar.

Not content with raising the price of shaves the Ohio barbers want to raise the price of honing razors. If they don’t look out Ohioans will go to raising whiskers.

A mother of 27 children of New Haven, Ct., has secured a divorce, saying that she can support her children all right, but not her husband. Doesn’t seem as if one more would make very much difference.

______

Musical Note

We love the old tunes best most likely because we don’t have to hear them so often.

______

Chicken Farming

Hank Stubbs – Thet new fambly frum the city make a livin’ frum their poultry, I am told.

Bige Miller – I guess thet’s about so. One uv the children said to somebuddy thet they hed poultry to eat three times a day.

______

The Tenth Month

Now the poet, sad and sober,

     Feels that he is in a stew,

For the rhymes for brown October

     Are but few.

– Louisville Courier-Journal.

As he sits before the ember

     Let him flinch;

For the rhymes for November

     Are no cinch.

______

Musings of the Office Boy

Some beauty is only paint deep.

Fine feathers make a week’s pay look sick.

A stitch in time also means a sprint to de jewelers.

It’s funny what a few boughten curls will do toward puffing up the average girl.

I wouldn’t consider 13 an unlucky number if I got 13 plunks per week.

“Growin’ up with de business” is all right if de pay travels along the same gait.

De sign, “No long stories today,” ain’t never meant for de callers who come in to buy somethin’.

It is just as easy for a girl to chew gum and hammer de typewriter as it is for a man to smoke and play billiards.

____________

Oct. 19, 1910

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

` The Buckwheat Cake in Stock

The winter days are comin’,

     They’ll git here by an’ by;

An’ then we’ll all be wishin’

     ’Twuz ’long about July;

But they’s a silver linin’

     To help us stand the shock;

When frost is on the shingles

     The buckwheats are in stock.

It’s hard to git up mornin’s

     When ev’rything is bleak;

Jack Frost is in the bedroom

     To give our toes a tweak.

We blame the winter weather

     An’ want to strike the clock;

But frost is on the shingles,

     An' buckwheats are in stock.

We know thet in the kitchen

     Behind the smould’rin’ range,

There is an ol’ stone pitcher

     That may look passin’ strange,

We know that in the pitcher,

     Thet’s had a goodly knock,

There is the buckwheat “raisin’s”

     Thet make the griddle stock.

An' so we face the music,

     An' hustle down below

An' git the fire a-drawin’,

     An’ do a heel an’ toe!

O, ’tain’t so bad in winter

     When mother, in her frock,

Is round the stove a fryin’

     The buckwheat griddle stock!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Some folks worry so much about the hills they are comin’ to they are played out long afore they git to ’em.”

______

Market Note

There’s a fine crop of chestnuts this fall, and we notice the worms are fully as plentiful and as fat as ever.

______

Sizing Him Up

“I hear he is making big money.”

“Who said so?”

“He told me himself.”

“A dollar always looked big to him.”

______

He Knew

“Cold hands are the sign of a warm heart.”

“Well, cold feet,” sighed the husband, “must be the sign of a warm imagination.”

______

Rural Reflections

Never try to tree a polecat.

The average rooster isn’t as big as he sounds.

Farming for fun is no laughing matter financially.

Look not upon the sweet cider too long; drink it.

Don’t leave the farm, unless you leave it in good hands.

A bird that will lay an egg every day is a rare one.

The country boy is good for the city, but is the city good for him?

The milkmen never miss the water till the old pump runs dry.

It may be easier to borrow than to buy, but did you ever wonder how the other fellow feels?

One splendid way to keep the boy upon the farm is to give him all the pumpkin pie he can lay to.

______

A Lofty Author

“I called round to see Mr. Pendrive, the author,” said the man at the front door.

:He is on the ninth floor,” said the maid.

“I – er – guess his stories are a little too high for me,” said the caller; “on second thought, I think perhaps I’d better write him.”

____________

Oct. 20, 1910