Jocosities, September, 1909

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JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Poet and Seer

The poet is a seer, he sees

     What others do not see;

The future is an open book

     To such a one as he.

He sees beyond the inky night,

     Beyond the twinkling stars;

The mysteries of all the spheres

     To him let down their bars.

What joy to be a poet then,

     To see the great unseen!

To hear the voices of the night

     Tell softly where they’ve been.

What joy to talk with moon and star,

     Then seize the waiting pen

And pour one’s soul out through the ink

     To hearts of hungry men!

The blacksmith and the plumber see

     Not what the poet sees;

Except when it is transcribed

     In classic lines like these.

The poet sees the great unseen,

     But misses food and cash;

The blacksmith and the plumber see

     The money and the hash.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“It’s a fine thing they’s two seasons, one hot an’ the other cold, so’s folks in summer kin hev the pleasure uv wishin’ it wuz winter, an’ in the winter wishin’ it wuz summer.”

______

A Quiet Trip

Dear Jocosity: Just a confidential word, not for publication, for I don’t want to hurt your standing, where the ground must already be very slippery. I don’t know for a dead sure thing, but I suspect from the quality of your column for the past few days that you are on your vacation. and that your work is being carried on by the janitor, or possibly by the elevator man. If such is the case, I would advise you to immediately drop the fishpole and take up the pen. The pen is mightier than the rod when it comes to filling an aching void, and judging from the circumference of your belt line, the void must ache horribly, if it ever aches at all. A word to the wise is a-plenty if he’s a-plenty wise. Sincerely

                                           “INTERESTED.”

Belmont.

______

Made to Order

Now taking it all in all,

          Both separately and together,

The Kiosk on Lafayette Mall

          Is giving us excellent weather.

______

The Busy “B”

Buffalo stationary is adorned with this catchy expression: “Buffalo means Business.” How is this for a play in our own favorite “B”? “Behold Boston’s Business Boom.”

______

A Change of Name

He used to call her darling

     In days of long ago;

She was so plain and modest,

     And he adored her so.

That was before she’d travelled,

     And bought twelve hats per year;

He used to call her darling,

     But now he calls her dear.

______

The Popular Song Craze

(In answer to a query by Mattie H., whose letter appeared yesterday.)

Dear Misguided – Jocosity feels deeply for you. Years ago he had that identical heart yearning – to write a popular song. It was before he had heard very many. If Jocosity were your literary advisor he would try to influence you to keep on writing one the same noble themes which you have mentioned, and not monkey with the popular song buzz-saw. With the others you might – poetize on the butterflies and buttermilk, not forgetting the arbutus and artichoke, etc. But since you ask a civil question, in a gentlemanly way, he will endeavor to shed as much light upon the subject as possible with his limited candle power. In the first place, your education is against you. To write a really catchy popular song you should be educationless. Your fine ear, doubtless, would insist that such words as “thine” and “mine” should rhyme with “divine.” In straight poetry they do, of course, but not in the popular song. You must rhyme “thine” with “time,” and “bliss” with “success.” and so on. That is where the popularity comes in.

After you have the song all built, turn some of the lines end for end to suggest originality, then copy it in pink scented paper and send it to some of the numerous music blacksmiths and have it cut and fitted to a pulsating tune. After that pay some publisher for making a few copies (just enough to give to your friends) and the rest of the way will be easy, but not so easy as you have been. Jocosity trusts he has made himself plain. If you wish for anything plainer come and look at the article itself.

______

King Edward Plays Croquet

(King Edward has been playing croquet,” – News item.)

(Contributed.)

Take down the net from tennis court,

          Set wickets in a row;

We must revive the old-time sport,

          It’s English, dontcher know!

Hunt up the box long out of use

          In attic hid away,

For by the cable comes the news:

          “King Edward plays croquet.”

Your baseball bat now thrown aside,

          Let golf links go to seed;

Your polo ponies do not ride,

          A mallet’s all you need.

Then on the lawn your friends you bring,

          And you will hear them say:

“He always does the proper thing,

          The King now plays croquet.”

          Dorchester.                     H. E. F.

____________

Sept 1, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The City Man

He’s been to lake and forest depth,

     And grown a coat of tan;

He’s whooped and hollered and he’s been

     A reg’lar Indian.

Old clothes, heart free, life’s been a joke,

     Forgetting ways and men;

But when he nears the town he looks

     The city man again.

One day a romping country boy,

     Anear to nature’s heart;

Forgetting, in the simple life,

     The cunning of the mart.

Next day he’s breaking camp, and off

     To busy hives of men;

And, stepping from the train, becomes

     The city man again.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Sailin’ up in an airship is one way uv gittin’ higher up – ef it sails.”

______

The Funny Fra

One of the many junkets which the American Press Humorists will make while convening in Buffalo next week will be to East Aurora for the purpose of studying Fra Elbertus at close range, to see if there is anything about him that will furnish humor for the coming year, and incidentally to make the famous Roycrofter a humorist at sight. Doubtless the wily Fra will turn the trick, and the world may look for all kinds of jokes in the October number of “The Philistine.”

______

Cheerful Comment

Has the north pole been Cooked?

It seems that summer has fall-en.

A real Joyette ride aboard that Marblehead winner.

Purple and fine linen add nothing to a tenor voice.

It will please some to know that Deer Island is already overcrowded.

Thaw’s literary ambitions have ended with his becoming the Matteawan librarian.

The fact that cranberries are smaller this year oughtn’t affect the size of the slice of turkey.

The worst of it is, when the coal companies “put up” the price of anthracite, they are not heaping coals of fire on the right heads.

We are glad to see the four-act play coming into vogue again. It is the only kind that gives us our money’s worth.

One hundred thousand quarts of blueberries were let loose upon Boston Monday. There is no good reason why Bostonians shouldn’t have an abundance of blueberries and milk like mother used to furnish.

______

R There!

O, life is worth living,

     And fair once again;

The big sun is shining,

     And dried up the rain.

Adieu to dyspepsia,

     And lowering mood;

For this is September

     And oysters are good!

______

The Pickerel

(“I Go A-Fishing.”)

The man who wrote the dictionary didn’t know much about the pickerel, or else he was prejudiced. His definition of this princely fish consists of but three words, “a small pike.” Having been brought up with the pickerel, we shall take exception to this abbreviated statement. The pickerel is no piker. He stands, or rather swims, in a class by himself. He is long and slim and small at both ends, rather after the shape of a perfecto cigar or an early type of the submarine boat. We won’t deny that there is a similarity between the two fishes, the pickerel and the pike, but the difference between the two, in our estimation, and never having seen a pike, is that the pickerel is to the pike what the fast and elegant automobile is to the freight train. Who would care to net a freight train as compared to a gamey limousine?

The pickerel is found in fresh water lakes and rivers, if he hasn’t already been caught out, which is often the case, He lies under the grass or lily pads and many anglers lie about him. He is always on the alert, waiting for something to come along, and when it comes along he is sure to grab it whether it be a trolling spoon, a piece of salt pork, a white rag or a fish just a little smaller than himself. As a grabber the pickerel is a great success. He lets nothing get by him if he can help it. That is why he is successful. He has a large mouth, but uses it for eating purposes only. His favorite food is smaller fish of the soft and sweet variety. Many anglers think he prefers the trolling spoon for diet, which is erroneous.

He is caught sometimes through the ice and sometimes through mistake. His greatest drawback is perhaps his many bones. He is well stayed. Fried to a crisp in not too lean pork fat the bones become a secondary matter. For further information concerning the pickerel consult Walton’s “Complete Angler,” a second-hand copy of which we have for sale.

____________

Sept. 2, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The North Pole

Dr. Cook hez found the Pole,

Found the much sought after goal;

He hez nailed the flag at last

To the cold an’ frozen mast.

Run the Stars an’ Stripes on high

Where the apex meets the sky.

Done the job he undertook,

Hip hurrah fur Dr. Cook!

Know he’s found the Pole right well

‘Cuz we’re hevin’ sech a spell

Uv cold weather ev’ry day,

Provin’ what the papers say.

Uncle Sam is feelin’ proud,

So is all the Yankee crowd;

Grins wherever you may look,

Hip hurrah fur Dr. Cook!

There is only one sad thing

‘Bout the findin’ of it, jing!

When the poles hev all b’en found,

An’ fur “finds” we’ve run aground,

Man can’t do no kind uv stunt,

Won’t be nothin’ left to hunt.

Still we’re proud the pole we’ve took,

Hip hurrah fur Dr. Cook!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Curiosity leads folks up to a hornet’s nest, but it is somethin’ more to the p’int thet leads ‘em away ag’in.”

______

New Opportunities

To those who have been unsuccessful in life we would recommend our newly acquired territory, the North Pole. Undoubtedly there is plenty of room there at the top.

______

Where Man Falls Down

A fellow will mumble sweet nothings to a girl, and tell her she is beautiful and all that, but when she asks him point blank just how beautiful she is she has him stranded immediately and completely.

______

The Recompense

We would the summer would not go,

     For us it is the season prime;

But joy! No more we’ll hear the flow

     Of “In the Good Old Summer Time.”

______

A King

I was a king – she threw me down,

     And bitter was the sting!

Refused me, she, whom I would crown,

     And I a King!

A maiden poor – she threw me down,

     O, foolishest of maids!

And I a King of world renown –

     The King of Spades!

______

Some Queer Facts

In the twinkling of an eye – mirth.

Net earnings – fisherman’s wages.

False teeth – the kind that won’t stick by you.

Opposed to good government – the average boy.

The weigh of the world, if you don’t watch it – eight ounces to the pound.

Putting on a big front – the average alderman.

A drop in the bucket – marked down at the hardware store from %5 to $4.99.

______

Some Don’ts for Some Editors

(As compiled by a sore-headed contributor.)

Don’t reject any contributions by the undersigned.

Don’t reject a Christmas poem, then keep it around your desk till the next Fourth of July.

Don’t attempt to make a colored cartoon with your blue pencil on the manuscript you are sending back.

Don’t fold and refold a submitted manuscript in forty different ways just to relieve your injured soul.

Don’t let a sweet-scented manuscript, accompanied by a photo with dreamy eyes, sway your journalistic sentiment.

Don’t suppose that every contributor despises you; not knowing you personally, he really has a great deal of respect for you.

Don’t publish a first-class original story without first cutting out the best parts, then rewriting the remainder in your own, inimitable, hot-house style.

Don’t write so many lengthy letters of commendation to young writers; it only occupies their valuable time in reading them, and keeps you from lots of more alluring pleasures.

______

T.R. and B.T.

I cannot see the reason why

     T.R. should have it all;

Why he is nick-named in the press

     So very pat and small.

Of course, B’rer Taft’s a larger man,

     As anyone might see;

But if T.R. can be T.R.,

     Why can’t B’rer Taft B. T.?

______

A Near-Joke

“Coal and weather remind me of the two ends of a teeter-board.”

“In which direction?”

“When one goes down the other goes up, and vice versa.”

______

Good Figuring

The poet, who was anxious to get into print, wrote the editor as follows: “You can have the enclosed manuscript for one-half your usual rates.”

The editor, a few days later, sent the following reply: “As we pay nothing for contributions in verse please forward $5, and we will print your poem.”

____________

Sept. 3, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

When Father Answered No

When we wuz boys upon the farm,

     As wild as wild could be,

We wuz about as full uv pranks

     As you could wish to see,

Especially if pa warn’t round

     To see the things we done;

Though pa sometimes warn’t fur behind

     When it come down to fun.

But pa wuz allus up an’ down,

     An’ meant jest what he said;

He never spoke a secunt time

When it wuz time fur bed.

He wouldn’t stan’ no sulkiness,

      An’ teasin’ wouldn’t go;

We never argued pro or con

      When father answered “no”.

We warn’t afraid uv pa, ‘cuz he

      Hed never larruped us;

But he would allus give a look

      That meant as bad, or wuss.

No matter what we wished to do,

      Or where we wished to go,

The thing wuz settled then an’ there

      When father answered “no”.

We thought thet father wuz severe,

      But we hev lived to know

The value of thet little word

      Thet used to vex us so.

We know we got the right idees

      To meet a world uv woe;

We got a grip upon ourselves

      Each time he answered “no”.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Ev-ry man to his trade, even to hosses.”

______

Cheerful Comment

The early bird disturbs the city boarder.

No one can be more pleased than Mrs. “Dr.” Cook.

Sometimes the “artistic temperament” appears with the “ament” left out.

So there are two John Vance Cheneys in Chicago, one a poet and one a hair-oil maker. How would the firm of “Cheney & Cheney” go?

The state has issued 11,000 hunter’s licenses already. These men, added to the state militia and Boston could never be taken.

Of course, Canada had to set her Thanksgiving day a month in advance of ours, but we still have a Fourth of July to the good.

The question, “now that Cook has discovered the pole, what is he going to do with it?” is almost as common as that familiar one about the hot weather.

What a shame! Peru and Bolivia too poor to have a war. Here is an idea: Let the peace makers of the world capture all the funds of their respective nations, and war will be a matter of ancient history!

______

Joys That Wait

It is only a step

    From the vacation bill

To something that’s worse –

    A big coal bin to fill.

______

Dealing in Extremes

A little hole-in-the-wall advertisement in New York City which reads, “For Sale, Ice, Wood, and Coal,” proves that the proprietor certainly goes to the limit in necessities.

______

Franks and Freedoms

(Contributed.)

To be universal it is necessary to be brief.

A proverb is the maximum of life and the minimum of lexicon.

The moralist is a grave humorist; the humorist is a laughing moralist.

The majority of men are not wise enough to be witty or witty enough to be wise.

Men of maxims are those who apprehend the length and breadth of things and the brevity of time.

When the universal deluge of words has subsided, let us hope the little olive branch of thought will be brought in.

Somerville.                                   H. A. KENDALL.

______

Back to the Ancient

“What makes the lamb love Mary so?”

     The eager children cried.

“I’ll tell you, if you did not know,”

     The teacher then replied.

“The reason why it loves her so –

     Now after me repeat it –

May never touches lamb, you know;

     She cannot bear to eat it.”

______

Boom in the Henyard

Hank Stubbs – They say business is pickin up all round.

Bige Miller – Thet ain’t no idle talk, neither; we got two more aigs yesterday than we did the day before.

______

Quack Hunting

A Harwich man is using a phonograph for the purpose of tolling wild ducks to his blind, having made his records from the terrified cries of a tame duck tied by one leg in front of the horn. Wild ducks have this advantage over flat-dwellers – they can up and away to noiseless streams when the canned music becomes wearisome.

____________

Sept. 4, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

“Popperty’s Girl”

“Popperty’s girl” has eyes of brown,

     And her cheeks are round and pink;

Her hair is brown,

And soft as down,

     And curly as you could think.

“Popperty’s girl” can talk, ah, yes,

     She talks from morning till night;

So good is she

She climbs on my knee

     And offers to help me write.

Thus she steals my time day after day,

For popperty never could send her away.

It’s popperty this, and popperty that,

     And “popperty, peek-a-boo!”

And “Popperty here!”

And “popperty dear!”

     And “popperty boo-woo-woo!”

And then I hold her high in the air,

     And give her a gentle whirl;

And she laughs and crows,

                  And pulls at my nose,

     For she is “popperty’s girl.”

Thus she steals my time day after day,

For popperty never can send her away.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“It’s a short road thet hez no temptations fur the autymobile speeder.”

______

Pavement Philosophy

The chronic worrier worries because he has nothing to worry about.

There’s always one good thing about tight money – there are fewer men in the same condition.

When a woman “loves you to death” she will be your death sooner or later.

Man is known by the company he keeps; woman by the company who visit next door.

The baby born with a silver spoon in his mouth is very apt to have it soon replaced with a nursing bottle.

It may be possible, but not probable, that a woman can love a man whom she can lead around by the nose.

When certain people come to call on you, you know by instinct just what chairs they are going to take.

Some men believe that the only way that they can keep in good spirits is to keep good spirits.

When a man gets through “seeing the elephant” it certainly looks as though that kind of animal had stepped on his pocketbook.

We think that preachers ought to say more about hell fire and brimstone; people are feeling altogether too easy on themselves.

______

Birds and Men

The bird that gets the worm

Is the bird that early rises;

The man who gets the trade

          Is the man who advertises.

______

Her Gift

I asked for bread,

     She gave me stone;

With hope all dead

     I walked alone.

Next asked I stone,

     She gave me bread;

Then love-light shone,

     And grief lay dead.

______

The Bullhead

(“I Go A-Fishing.”)

The bullhead, or horned pout, as he is sometimes called, would never take a beauty prize at a fish show. He is the fish with the swelled head, and has the least brain per size of cocoa of any fish that swims the lakes or fresh water rivers. His habits are much like the eel, and his skin is of the same material. He is very clever in the use of his horns and will hook you if he has a ghost of a show. Like most human beings, he is easily handled if you know how to go at it. Grabbing hold of the bullhead hit or miss in the excitement of your catch you will undoubtedly be struck with the sensation that you have been hit with a hornet. As time goes on you will think that something worse than a hornet caressed your hand. The hook of a horned pout is very painful and of long duration. When you find that you have a bullhead on your line, don’t be afraid that you will lose him; you can’t do it. The only way to get rid of him is to take him off from the hook yourself. His mouth will remind you of a quarter taken out of a watermelon. He immediately swallows everything he finds in the way of eatables, and on close examination you will find, 99 times out of 98, that he has swallowed your tackle, hook, bob and sinker.

To remove him from the hook, or the hook from him, shove a couple of corks on his part and starboard horns and shove the horn on his back fin into the bottom of the boat. Thus you will have him on his back at a disadvantage. Of course, if you are much of a fisherman you will have a generous supply of corks with you. His mouth is a good deal like a steam roller, so beware of getting your fingers inside. A better way still is to cut the line close to the hook and give him the free use of it until you are ready to prepare him for the frying pan. The bull head is a delicate, fine-grained fish, and pleasing to the taste if you don’t know where he came from. Probably the next time you go fishing for him you will remain at home. He is found everywhere and many places besides.

____________

Sept. 5, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Poet and Summer Girl

You’re a little, laughing peach,

        Summer girl;

You’re the only on the beach,

        Summer girl.

You can rule the mighty ocean,

You’re a dream of grace and motion,

To abduct you I’ve a notion,

        Summer girl.

You’re the swellest of the swell,

        Summer girl;

Bathing costumes fit you well,

        Summer girl;

You’re a necessary pleasure,

I adore you without measure,

For you bring me bits of pleasure,

        Summer girl.

O, I hope you’ve come to stay,

        Summer girl;

For you’ve added to my pay,

        Summer girl.

Of your smiles and manners sunny

I have written verses funny –

That is how I earn my money,

        Summer girl.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Some folks wouldn’t b’lieve the North Pole wuz found onless it wuz pulled up an’ fetched home fur a sooverneer.”

______

On the Job

Doctor – Evidently you have been overloading your stomach.

Patient – Why, doctor, I haven’t eaten anything for two days.

Doctor – That’s what I mean; you’ve overloaded it with emptiness.

______

Toasts

TO THE NON-FLIRT:

Here’s to the maiden

     Who flirts not at all

At seashore or mountain,

     At theatre or ball;

Who holds wicked flirting

     With men up to scorn;

Here’s to her, we say, but –

     She hasn’t been born.

TO THE STAGE GIRLS:

Here’s to the star

     And the little soubrette,

The chorus girls, too,

     And the ladies’ quartet;

May they always look pretty

     And be all the rage

On the show bills of life

     That are on the stage.

____________

Sept. 6, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

I Miss You So!

Dear girl, I miss you so!

     I left you at the café door

     When our delightful meal was o’er;

You looked so charming sitting there,

The music, flowers everywhere

     Was life and gayety; but you,

     You were the sweetest thing in view –

      I miss you so!

       (10 minutes later)

Dear roll, I miss you so!

     I had you when I paid the bill,

     I had you, I’m quite sure until

That maiden left me at the door,

But I can’t find you any more.

     I’m broke, alas! Good-by to you,

     I am the greenest thing in view –

     I miss you so!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Some people who go into pollertics fur the puppus uv makin’ ‘em whiter soon l’arn they a darker color is easier on the eyes.”

______

North Pole Note

Some women are not so much interested in the discovery of the north pole as in the discovery of a new “Dr. Cook hat.”

______

Toasts

TO THE BACHELOR GIRL.

Her’s to the maiden who lives all alone,

The “Bachelor Girl,” as she’s generally known;

May she find a companion as soon as she can,

If he be nothing more than the much despised man.

TO THE GOOD WIFE

Here’s to the wifey who knows the best way

To handle her hubby by night and by day;

Who brightens the fireside so that her old “hub”

Wouls rather stay by her than go to the club.

______

Not of the New School

“Dobson is an unnatural father.”

“How so?”

“His baby threw his gold watch from the third story window to the pavement and he didn’t see anything cute in it.”

______

A Bee Question

Is it better to have the bee, and have the pain quickly over, or have the hives and be tormented for a long time?

____________

Sept. 7, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Your Curves

The game of life is a strenuous game,

     And has to be played to extremes;

The opposite team you’ll find isn’t lame

     And has all the up-to-date schemes.

When pitching for fame or pitching for bread

     Don’t let it get onto your nerves;

Don’t let them rattle you, just keep your head,

     Don’t let them get on to your curves.

Your curves, in business, art or your trade,

     Is an asset whose value is great;

If you have a curve you’ve successfully played,

     Just keep it turned down on your slate.

The world is e’er looking for something for naught,

     Sometimes when it scarcely deserves;

Keep a grip on the ball, don’t ever be caught,

     Don’t let it get on to your curves.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“A good many people cimmit suicide one way an’ another, an’ drag aout a livin’ death ever after.”

______

John, the “Worker”

Mr. John D. Wells, funny man on the Buffalo Evening News, and acting secretary for the American Press Humorists, now convening in that city, is easily the greatest humorist since the days of “Tom Sawyer.” Tom got his chums to whitewash the fence for him, besides making them pay for it. Wells has got six of the leading humorists of the country to do his column while he is skylarking with the boys. And humorists, as a rule, are hard to “work.”

______

Toasts

TO THE USELESS ONE.

Here’s to the girl

     Who can’t cook or sew,

Or keep her old shoes

     All set in a row;

Who can’t build the fire,

     Or sweep out the hall;

May she be an old maid

     Till she masters them all.

TO THE SKATER.

Here’s to the maiden

     Who skates on the ice;

There’s something about her

     We think very nice.

But shame on the lassie

     With wavering feet,

Who tries all too vainly

     To skate up the street.

______

The Awful Mr. Binks

Mrs. Binks – I can’t do anything to please you!

Mr. Binks – Yes, you can.

Mrs. Binks – What, pray?

Mr. Binks – Don’t do anything.

______

Matrimonial Note

Prospective bride – Why do they throw rice over a bridle couple? While it costs a trifle more it is cleaner than sawdust and less dangerous than stove wood.

____________

Sept. 8, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

In Laramie

(A girl in Laramie stopped wedding proceedings till the word “obey” was stricken from the ceremony. – News Item.)

The way they do in Laramie

Just suits my notion to a “T.”

The girl refused to wed, they say,

Unless they struck the word “obey”

Right off the slate; when that was done

The scrappy pair were fashioned one.

The groom was “for”, “against” was she,

And thus they fought in Laramie.

No wedding in old Laramie

For her until he should agree

To have the word “obey” cut out.

The groom out up objections stout,

But no avail, the bride to be

Fought ev’ry inch most gallantly.

And now all grooms their doom must face,

For Laramie has set the pace.

The things they do in Laramie

Are satisfactory to me.

I’m willing they should change the laws

To suit the women there because

I’m married, and the word “obey”

Was nailed in my caboose to stay;

So what they do in Laramie

Just suits my notion to a “T.”

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“The more rope the av’rige ca’f gits the more apt he is to git waound up ef he ain’t watched.”

______

Perhaps He Couldn’t See

That Pittsburg man who eloped with the wrong twin probably won’t feel very much cut up over it since it gives him a good chance to elope again by and by.

______

Toasts

TO MISS INDEPENDENCE.

Here’s to the maiden

        Who knows her own mind,

Who in ways of the world

        Is a long way from blind.

Who knows her own mind,

        And holds a good lease of it;

And heaven prevent us

        From getting a piece of it!

TO THE YOUTHFUL ONE

Here’s to the maiden who never grows old,

     Who knows all about how to keep her good looks;

Who knows where good rouge and cosmetics are sold,

     Who “grow younger each year,” as they say in the books.

______

A Business Poet

Langley – Is it true the first edition of your poems is exhausted?

Longlocks – True indeed.

Langley – How many copies did you print?

Longlocks – Two; one for my mother and one for myself.

______

Fashion Note

Between wondering if their dresses gap in the back and continually reaching to see if their side combs are in, some women have a pretty busy time when they are away from home.

____________

Sept. 9, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Old Cider Mill

While strolling through the countryside

     One bright October day,

I chanced upon a cider mill,

     A building old and gray.

I stopped beneath its sloping roof

     To rest my weary feet,

Likewise to sample, if I might,

     The apple juices sweet.

It had been years since I had stood

     Beneath the old gray mill;

I could not rouse the old-time thirst,

     Nor feel the old-time thrill.

“How changed!” I said in accents sad,

     My fancies put to rout;

I simply wandered on my way –

     The mill was down and out!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Lightnin’ seldom strikes twice in the same place, not becuz it hez any scruples or any consideration, but becuz gen’ly they ain’t nothin’ left fur it to strike a secunt time.”

______

Time Works Wonders

Anxious reader – How long ought a girl go with a young man before she marries him? Until she’s dead sure she knows her own mind and his ditto.

______

The Agricultural Fair

(Contributed.)

When a boy I used to go to the agricultural show

     To see if our potatoes were the winners.

And view out mammoth squash which a farmer said, by gosh,

     Was enough to make a thousand dinners;

And then at no expense, I would sit upon the fence

     To see our neighbors’ horses make their paces,

Or, with whip in hand, stroll around behind the stand

     To watch them put a dollar on the races.

At the agricultural fair, where the people come to stare

     At the fakir, dancing bear or snake charmer,

It was easy to see how the farmer milked the cow

     But easier, I think, to milk the farmer.

A man named Uncle Joe, with his tie tied in a bow,

     And his rusty trousers perched upon his boot-legs,

Would hold my youthful eye which was strained to see him try

     To capture all the prizes on the loot-pegs.

“Oh, but another dime and you will have the time

     A hanging on the end of your suspender,

Now just a little more to break the record score;

     That watch? No, twenty-three! Just try again, sir!”

And everywhere I go since I went into a show

     And crossed my hand with silver for a palmer,

I’ve watched the busy crowd and often think out loud

     How easily the fakir milks the farmer.

With shrewdly wrinkled eyes he tries to look quite wise

     To make the people think that he is thinking,

But doesn’t seem to know all the others in a row

     Are holding while the fakir does the milking.

A bunch of mining stocks, six prizes in a box

     With antiseptic cough drops for the earache,

Will reach his little paid and make him almost mad

     To put his summer earnings on the queer fake.

At evening he may come to his quiet, cosey home,

     As patient and as silent as a Quaker,

But dream at night, by darn, he will sell his little farm

     And go upon the road and be a fakir.

______

Pavement Philosophy

Did the country fair folks see you coming?

Winter is no respecter of empty coal bins.

The man who doesn’t say much is a good talker.

How long will the auto linger in the lap of the aero?

A man never knows when he’s well off, but a woman does.

The Pole has always been a source of trouble, and the end is not in sight.

The best way to avoid anything undesirable is to have nothing to do with it.

In thinking things over one should be careful not to overthink.

The surest thing about joy riding is that the joy is fleeting.

If  you do happen to count your chickens before they are hatched be sure to make provisions for a recount.

____________

Sept. 11, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

On Love’s Altar

If I have seen a better day,

          If I have played a losing game;

All I can do is simply say

          That lover were all to blame.

If I have failed to gain the height,

          If I have failed to make a name;

If I have fallen in the flight,

          Then love were all to blame.

If I have erred, of which is true,

          If I am red with burning shame;

If I have done as sinners do,

          Then love were all to blame.

If I am crowned with happiness,

          If I am strong, or weak and lame,

If I have cause to curse of bless,

          Then love were all to blame.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Ef things don’t come your way ez fast ez you think they orter, it may be becuz you are goin’ so swift they can’t hit your gait.”

______

Toasts

(To the All-Round Girl.)

Here’s to the girl who can cook and sew,

Who can pay her own way, and hoe her own row;

She makes a good sweetheart, and makes a good wife,

And makes a good mother, you just bet your life.

(To the False One.)

Here’s to the maid with a form divine,

     From her foot to the top of her head;

Providing she doesn’t take half of it off

     Before she gets ready for bed.

______

Market Note:

With coal high and ice high, it is pretty difficult for the poor man to keep warm for the winter and cool for the summer.

______

Toasts

TO THE DON’T WORRY GIRL

Here’s to the girl

          Who’s never afraid

She’s going to live

          And die an old maid.

If she doesn’t care whether

          She weds or not,

She’ll find a good husband

          Right on the spot.

TO RUBY LIPS

Brown eyes or black eyes,

     Blue eyes or gray;

Black hair or blonde hair,

     We’d ne’er bid her stay.

Tall girl or short girl,

     So long as she’s this:

Two ripe, ruby lips

     All posed for a kiss.

______

What a Horrid Boy

Mollie – Why do the ladies leave cards when they call and don’t find anybody at home?

Tommie – I guess it’s ‘cause they want their neighbors to know they’ve got some new ones printed.

______

“Bob Burdette Day”

Today is “Bob Burdette Day” with the American Press Humorists at Buffalo. “Bob,” as he is lovingly called, is “Perpetual Parson and pastor emeritus” of the association, and is seriously ill at his home near Los Angeles, Cal. Today all gambolling and merrymaking will cease, while messages of love, good cheer and sympathy will be sent in various ways to the humorist-preacher.

____________

Sept. 12, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

A Hitch

I hitched my wagon to a star,

     Also my limousine;

My friends, who know the stellar life,

     Said I was pretty green.

I promptly scorned their good advice,

     And to the stars did look.

I hitched my wagon to a star,

     And also my pocketbook.

Alas! The star was not affixed,

     But led a planet race;

I found my wagon and my lim’

     Could not keep up the pace.

And when my pocketbook was flat

     I got the sweet “Ha, ha!”

She found another one who wished

     To hitch behind a star.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“The high price uv buildin’ materials seem to affect the buldin’ uv air castles none.”

______

Toasts

TO THE HIGH SINGER.

Here’s to the girl who can sing like a lark

That soars far up in the sky;

     May she soar and sing

     Like a heavenly thing,

            Though not so far

            Above each star

That she cannot get down from on high.

AS IN DAYS OF OLD.

Here’s to the maiden who knows her own mind,

Who cannot be j0llied by all of mankind;

Who’s wise and who’s witty, and well up to snuff,

But heaven prevent her from using the stuff!

______

Philosophical Note

There’s a man on the cape so mean that mosquitoes won’t have anything to do with him, and he isn’t quite sure whether he’s to be congratulated or pitied.

______

Cheerful Comment

White vapor on Mars? Must have been wash day.

Too many Cooks spoil the pole-finding for others.

Will the ultimate (ice) consumer finally have to pay for the Pole discussion?

The Washington Post says: “Young King Manuel does his own kissing.” Who would be king if one couldn’t?

A visit to East Aurora disclosed the fact that there are no humorists in “Hubbard’s Hall of Fame” – except Hubbard.

They have introduced continuous music in a Virginia cigar factory, thinking it might tend to increase production. Some music is rotten.

What a fortunate thing for the United States that the Pole was discovered by two Americans. What complications would have arisen had one been an Englishman or a Japanese, for instance.

______

At the Play

“What a pity ten years don’t really elapse between acts I. and II.”

“Why so?”

“Perhaps by the time act II. came on we could have forgotten act I.”

______

“Nexta!”

“Will you shave me with dispatch?” cried the wild-eyed stranger, throwing himself hurriedly into the chair.

“Eef da tees one dem new-fangle safetee raz’,” said Adoni, the barber, “I no gatta heem in deesa shop.”

______

Out of Her Line

Mistress – Bridget, these potatoes are pretty small.

Bridget – Sure, mum, it’s not Biddy Malone who can make them anny bigger.

______

Where Located

A stitch in time

     Saves 9, they say;

Why should they put

It just that way?

If it were in

     A boy’s old pants,

It might save 10

     Or 12, perchance.

____________

Sept. 13, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Fine Feathers

Are all the song birds growing mad

     Regarding costumes rich?

Can Anna, in a diamond gown,

     Attain a higher pitch?

It is the music people want,

     Not costumes of renown;

Who would pay five to hear the voice

     Of Anna’s diamond gown?

Caruso’s purple suit is loud,

     And doubtless reaches “G”;

But that it doesn’t help his voice

     Admirers must agree.

Artistic and well made, perhaps,

     No doubt it is a “beaut”;

But who’d pay ten to hear the voice

     Of Enrich’s purple suit?

Fine feathers make fine birds, they say,

     But not the birds of song;

No diamond gowns or purple suits

     Will help if they’re in wrong.

Give us the artist, and the voice,

     To him will we bow down;

But fie upon the purple suit,

     And eke the diamond gown!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Ev’rybuddy is interested in the goods thet a cider mill turns aout.”

______

In Defence

They have a fine slogan in convention city, Buffalo, which reads, “Buffalo Means Business!” There is a later and less apt expression floating round out there, laid at Father Jocosity’s door, which is as follows: “Boston Beans Business.” Jocosity takes this occasion to deny the accusation; he had no part in its concoction or exploitation. It is a conspiracy, hatched in the American Press Humorists’ prolific incubator.

______

Cheerful Comment

Seeing Africa – from the cowcatcher.

What will be the aero word for seasick?

Here’s hoping the South Pole won’t be discovered twice.

When it comes to laying in the colors, autumn puts it all over summer.

The cranberry crop is unusually large, but of course that doesn’t help the turkey crop any.

If the moving picture man can’t tell who discovered the Pole it only goes to show that, for the first time since his business opened, he wasn’t on his job.

The city newspaper in the city takes the place of the country caller in the country. They are going to have that Elkins girl and Abruzzi boy married in spite of all the neighbors say.

______

Nautical Observation

“Were you seasick on your trip?”

“Yes, simply because I saw so many others.”

______

Ringing with Fame

“Is he famous? I should say he is; why his name is ringing in every nook and corner of the land.”

“By the way, what did you say his name is?”

“Bell, man, bell.”

______

A Desperate Case

Hodgely – That’s an awfully pep’ry cough you’ve got.

Podgely – Yes, rather of a hot cold.

______

A Long Look Ahead

Vacation days are over,

     And working days are here;

That’s why they’re “melancholy,

     “The saddest of the year.”

Then comes the sad remembrance

     Of money we have spent;

We start the week of labor

Without a blooming cent.

But, cheer up, gloomy poet,

     Cheer up ye clerk and chauf’;

We’ve got 10 months to save up

     To have another loaf.

______

And That Makes It

“What is the difference between an aeroplane and a biplane?”

“The aeroplane is the most talked about.”

______

Ring Notes

Some pugilists are not strong enough to knock out a good living.

The man who goes round with a chip on his shoulder is lucky if sooner or later he doesn’t lose the whole block.

And now the father of Jeffries steps into the conversational ring and says he’ll disown his son if he fights Johnson. And now if only the public would step in and disown them for talking!

______

Skyscrapers

“These latest hats,”

     Said Mrs. Jaynes,

“Why do they call

Them aeroplanes?”

To which her hus-

Band did reply:

“Because they come

So very high.”

____________

In Memoriam

(To Walt Whitman.)

(From “Songs and Poems,” by William Sharp).

He laughed at Life’s Sunset Gates

          With vanishing breath

Glad soul, who went with the Sun

          To the Sunrise of Death.

Sept. 14, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

To Bob Burdette

(Written at the Buffalo convention of the American Press Humorists,

on “Bob Burdette day,” Sept. 11, ‘09.)

Dear Bob Burdette,

We much regret

You were not with us when we met;

          Dear Bob Burdette.

          There was no day

          But some would say,

“Wish Bob Burdette were here today”;

          There was no day.

          The funny chaps

          Give many slaps,

And are a bit too gay, perhaps,

          Those funny chaps.

          But they are true,

          And feel for you,

And love you, Bob, indeed they do;

          They’re good and true.

          Yes, Bob Burdette,

          They love you yet –

God only knows how they regret;

          Dear Bob Burdette.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“It’s a mighty poor country thet can’t support two discoverers.”

______

All the Year Round

  “In the spring the young man’s fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love,” so each bard has yearly written to his far-off turtle dove; while ‘tis true in every measure, I have noticed those who sing, that in fall their burning fancy turns to love the same as spring. And, in fact, all through the twelvemonth, if he’s poetry in his soul, you will find the young man’s fancies in the arms of love’s control.

______

Pavement Philosophy

To cheer up is to clear up.

None but the industrious deserve their fare.

You can’t get ahead of the crowd and still have it with you.

There is plenty of room at the bottom for the satisfied man.

Money in the sand bank is all right if there’s demand for the sand.

Experience is a dear teacher whom most scholars try to disobey.

Perhaps the greatest joy ride is when the conductor passes you unnoticed.

It takes all kinds of people to make a world, and yet there’s hardly kinds enough to go round.

The sponge absorbs all it can hold; the sponger absorbs all he can hold and then proceeds to fill up the saving banks.

The world is divided into two classes, they who are always a long way ahead of time, and they who are always a little behind, and both are to be pitied.

______

Welcome Silence

We are not unsympathetic,

     For lively sports we care;

But to us the coming season

     Will be exceeding fair

When the shriek of “Baseball Extra!”

     No longer cleaves the air.

______

An Assistor Before the Fact

A new humorist, or an old one made over, has arisen within the sacred pale of The Herald’s boundaries, and hands us a real joke. Jocosity has been handed much since the advent of his column, the most of which suggests something tart and yellow, but this joke is a real side-splitter and should, for safety’s sake, be published in sections no doubt. If this perpetrator can preserve his high standard and will drop them in with frequency, Jocosity can see many a merry holiday ahead.

THE JOKE

“The reason Perry did not stay longer at the North pole is he could not get anything to eat as the cook had gone.”

The joke is signed, “one of the carpenters,” presumably because he thought he had hit the nail on the head. We don’t know who this Perry is, but possibly he is one of the many amateur explorers who are trying to get a line on the North pole. If “Carpenter” will kindly call at room 36 during the anti-rush hour he will receive an order on the cashier – or something equally hard to get away with.

______

Speed the Speeder

He took his auto for a spin

     And spun the town around;

He quickly ran into a span,

     And spilled upon the ground.

They sped him to the speeder’s cell,

     He spent two months and ten;

He’s never had the spunk to spin

     And spill a span again.

______

A “Lynn” Episode

(Contributed.)

A Lynnite whose surname was Tim,

Once essayed to “Egg-Rock” to swim;

          But ere he got there

          He gave up in despair,

And now they are dredging for him.

  Lynn                            W. B. L.

____________

Sept. 15, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

True Tale of the Pole

Twelve little Eskimos looking for a job

Hunting for the Pole, so they shipped with Bob.

Twelve little Eskimos, dancing for the men,

Two slipped overboard, then there were ten.

Ten little Eskimos got a snack with wine;

One praised Dr. Cook, then there were nine.

Nine little Eskimos ate till very late;

One overate and then there were eight.

Eight little Eskimos did the work of eleven;

One couldn’t stand it, then there were seven.

Seven little Eskimos found some Yankee “mix”;

One drank a horse dose, then there were six.

Six little Eskimos didn’t seem to thrive

On hot atmosphere and so there were five.

Five little Eskimos feeling pretty sore,

One slipped the “Roosevelt,” then there were four.

Four little Eskimos on the Polar sea,

One got cold feet and then there were three.

Three little Eskimos feeling pretty blue,

One said “Adieu, Bob,” then there were two.

Two little Eskimos on the final run,

Peary said, “Skiddo there,” then there was one.

One little Eskimo, looking down the hole

Said, “Dr. Cook has been here, there ain’t no Pole!”

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“What is sass fur the goose is also sass fur the gander, but the gander ez a rule won’t take no sass from anybuddy.”

______

War News Wanted

On account of the war between the Reds and the Blues, the discovery of the north pole, and the Taft dinner, the papers have failed to keep the public posted as to the outcome of the battle between the people and the housefly.

______

Cheerful Comment

“Hot Chocolate” is on the way.

Have you formed a Cook of Perry club yet?

The country schoolboy hunts until he finds a running cider mill.

The early bird gets the cherry unless it has already found its way into the morning cocktail.

Does being a United States naval officer give a man the right to cabbage everything in sight, and nearly everything out of sight?

An agricultural paper contains an article on “the mule as a money raiser.” Having seen a mule in action once we should say that he could raise, not only money, but anything in reach of his rear dukes.

______

On the Shelf

No more the straw hat is on top,

        No more is it “the lid;”

From human eyes that fondly prize

        It must be quickly hid.

Today the winter hat comes on,

        The derby, tried and true;

The cherished straw we must withdraw,

        And hide from public view.

Good bye, old straw, for months you’ve been

        The apple of our eye;

You’ve served us fine in rain and shine,

        We hate to put you by.

But never fear, another year

        When summer rounds in view,

I’ll have you shocked, and nicely blocked,

        And you’ll be good as new.

______

Looking Ahead

Hats off to Cy Warman, the engineer-poet-humorist. He ran down from Montreal on his steel horse, switched onto a siding at the Buffalo convention, threw on coal, opened the throttle, tied down the safety valve and carried the whole dern freight yard by storm. As a result, the next convention of the American Funny Fellows will be held next year in Montreal, first week in August. “Newt” Newkirk made a pretty play for Boston, but “Newt” wasn’t strong in his weak places, namely, transportation and keep. The Grand Trunk was behind Cy, and there’s a whole lot behind the Grand Trunk.  However, with six brilliant humorists to fight for Boston next year we expect to land the convention here in 1911 in a “walk.”

______

Last Call

He is a real brave man indeed,

          Who strolls about the town,

And wears his best straw hat until

          A snowstorm weights it down.

______

Hank’s Vision

Hank Stubbs – Seen one uv them big airships goin’ over my house early this mornin’.

Bige Miller – Huh! Ef you can’t tell an airship frum one uv Granny Pembroke’s ol’ Guinea hens you’d better stop goin’ down suller.

____________

Sept. 16, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

When Summer’s Gone

The summer’s come an’ gone ag’in

     Jest like a picture show;

We thought along the July days

     Perhaps ‘twould never go.

Now here we be, right into fall,

     With frosty nights an’ cold;

The grass down in the medders brown,

     The hillsides red an’ gold.

This is the melancholy time

     Uv year, the poets say;

But that is on’y jest becuz

     The summer’s passed away.

There is a wail now through the trees,

     Where yisterday was song;

That is becuz the limbs are bare,

     An’ summer’s passed along.

You cannot stop the seasons e’er,

     They must forever roll;

But you kin keep your heart a-warm,

     An’ summer in your soul.

Jest keep the grasses green inside,

     An’ don’t give up your song,

An’ then ‘twon’t matter very much

     Ef summer’s gone along.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“The on’y way a blacksmith kin ever git a raise is to strike while the iron is hot.”

______

The “Pole” Department

Owing to the increasing interest in the alleged discovery of the North Pole, and the multiplying number of jokes and hits thereon, Jocosity has found it necessary to open a “Pole Department,” in which readers may express themselves, if they will use the soul of wit, “brevity,” and thus rid themselves of some of the awful things they have stored up for one or the other of the explorers. Communications must be brief, to the point, and fresh – right off the ice, so to speak.

Dear Jocosity: Wouldn’t it be better to settle it this way – as follows:

NEW DISHES

Ice cream saloons can settle all

     Doubts round this polar team

By publishing which sells the best,

     The “Cook” or “Perry” cream.

A “Kape Kod” correspondent, writing from North Eastham, wants to know if the North Pole is to be “Cooked”? It is in the “broil” now.

C. O. L. – If Perry hasn’t proved any of his other claims, he has proved that Dr. Cook is a gentleman.

Howard – Henson, with Perry at the pole, lends a little local color to the story.

Fisherman – If there is as much water at the North Pole as Peary claims, he must have been in close touch with the South Pole while sounding.

THERE’S NOTHING TO IT.

Nothing to eat but blubber,

       Nothing to see but hole;

Nothing to do but rubber

       Until they find the Pole.

Boston.                                                  ETAH.

______

Cheerful Comment

Though time is called he’ll not let go, because he loves his straw hat so.

Those new, easy-writing postal cards will be a great help to the anti-swearing league.

Admirers of cocktails are beginning to interest themselves in the cherry-growing industry.

Reports state that butter rates will soon go down. Perhaps they will go down better than the butter.

It is quite a step from the 5-cent cantaloupe on the fruit stand to the 15-cents-for-half-of-one on the restaurant table.

The world is made up of two kinds of people, those who return borrowed books and those who do not. Chances for the hereafter for those who do return borrowed books are very good.

______

The Aftermath

The days are short

     The summer’s spent;

We, too, are caught

     Without a cent.

______

Every Day Affairs

First actor – Have you done anything about your winter suit?

Second actor – Clothes or divorce?

______

Not I

If it is proven

     That Mars is dry,

Who’ll want to visit

     There by and by?

____________

Sept. 17, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Adoni an’ da Pole

I don’ know eef dey finda heem,

     Som’time I theenk eets true;

Da paper mixa me all up,

     I don’ know w’ata do.

Dey breenga notheeng back weeth dem

     For show da Pole ees found;

Don’ breeng for show one pieca wood,

     Nor leetla pieca ground.

I am a poora man, you bat,

     No gotta cash for spand,

But I would pay for see dat pole

     Brought to dese Yankee land.

I am no Rockafella man,

     Weeth one great beega roll,

But I would like for buy dat steeck

     For mak’ my barber pole!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“The av’rige ruster is a fine bird to tell others it is time to git up.”

______

The “Pole” Department

Our pole department has been a success from the start. Follow it closely and you will learn eventually who the real discoverer was. A few politicians have contributed freely, thinking it was a poll department – merely a little oversight on the part of their eyesight, but we have explained the purpose of the feature to their satisfaction, and ours. Politics don’t enter here, although it may enter the main issue later on. We must confine ourselves to facts in this department and not do any flirting with politics.

ON THE MOVE.

         Lives of men like Cook remind us

         We may find the Pole today,

And, departing, leave behind us,

         Footprints that will float away.

“What would you have done if you had reached the pole after 18 years of trying and found someone had been there ahead of you?”

“What would I have done? Blubbered.”

B. I. F. – How different it would have been if the man who captured the Big Stick had only made a dash for the pole instead of Africa!

Wireless – An immense stick of timber has been floating off Provincetown. Have flashed the news to both explorers.

Dod – Can’t use your contribution, Looks to us as though you had decided in your own mind who discovered the pole, and that rules you out.

THEN WHO’LL OWN IT?

If the old Pole keeps a- moving

          Perhaps some pleasant day

It will come a-slowly drifting

          In Massachusetts Bay.

______

Two Sides to This

“Do not keep dinner and supper waiting; there is nothing so trying to the housewife as delayed meals,” says the Farm Journal.

But why make it so one-sided? How does it work the other way round, Mr. Editor?

______

Good Bye Summer

(A Sonnet by the Office Boy)

The summer has come and went; no more

     The leaves upon the melancholy trees,

     Or grasses waving idly in the breeze.

Will be as green as they was green before,

Because old autumn’s got around once more

     And is a-going to take his brush and paint

     Both red and brown now ev’rything what ain’t,

And spoil the flowerbeds and things like that,

And make us wear again the derby hat.

O, summer, wouldst that thou couldst ever stay,

That we couldst drink cold sodas ev’ry day,

     And go down to the beach once ev’ry week,

     And get a coat of tan on either cheek,

But autumn has to come and say, “Nay, nay”.

______

Mother Goose for Moderns

(Contributed.)

There was a preacher had a sow,

          And he had naught to give her;

And so he let her starve a while,

          Then sold her meat for liver.

They buried her in pretty tins,

          – As much as they were able –

And you may find her any day

          Upon your breakfast table.

Mendon.                                            “JAC.” L.

______

One Year Ago Today

A Spring Hill car was seen on its way to Somerville.

______

Classified Notices

She – I don’t see why they should have marriage and death notices so close together in the papers.

He – Doubtless the editors look upon the two calamities as being in a class of their own.

______

Solids

“Laugh and grow fat”

     Is good advice,

But pork and beans

     Are very nice.

____________

Sept. 18, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Light and Shade

Man hez to sorrow more or less,

     He can’t smile all the time;

They’s bound to be a lot o’ days

     When he ain’t feelin’ prime.

When sorrow loads the human heart

     ‘Tain’t natteral to smile;

Man ain’t a grinnin’ mask of stone,

     He can’t smile all the while.

It’s well enough fur bards to sing

     Uv constant hope an’ cheer

‘Tain’t good fur man to brood too much

     On gruesome things an’ drear.

It’s well enough to poetize

     On things that care beguile;

But sorrow hez a place in life –

     One can’t smile all the while.

Smile all you can, hope all you can,

     A song discounts a wail;

But sorrow is a noble thing,

     An’ is uv much avail.

Don’t morn without a right good cause,

     The world prefers a smile;

But do not look for endless mirth –

     Man can’t smile all the while.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“The man who puts a buttin on the contrybewtion plate would give his shirt jest ez quick pervidin’ it wouldn’t be noticed.”

______

Cheerful Comment

Are you a straw hatter?

How are we going to discover the discoverer?

Are you done looking for that gem on State street yet?

Keep your airship away from the electric wires, Mr. Aviator.

T.R. is a wise one; he is sending back proof that he’s discovered Africa.

The pole controversy has crowded quite a number of subjects out of the papers that were more distasteful and of less value.

And now comes the announcement that there is no life on Mars. Is it possible the astronomer has his glass levelled at Philadelphia?

Edgar A. Guest in the Detroit Free Press says “A little marriage is a dangerous thing.” Did he get that tip from Tom Thumb?

Train hold-ups area becoming so frequent that a fellow naturally falls to wondering if it wouldn’t be safer to walk to the suburbs on a pay-day evening.

______

Two Quatrains

(Contributed.)

THE WHEEL

Once whirls the wheel and then is still,

     No more the struggle and the strife

When once the finger of the Eternal Will

     Stays the dull droning man calls Life.

THE ANTHEM

Live nobly; then when thy light goes out

          In mortal darkness, ‘twill not be the knell

Disconsolate of woeful fear or doubt,

          But the brave anthem, All is well.

        Somerville.                           H. A. K.

______

Leaf from a Modern Dream Book

Dreams, unfulfilled, make one contrary.

Dream and the world gets by you ere you wake up.

The summer girl’s dream usually turns out to be some one’s nightmare.

A very bad nightmare is to dream you are being run over by a horseless carriage.

If dreams go by contraries, it is a fine thing to dream you are giving somebody money.

If you dream of money, and don’t find it, it is a sure sign that you are out that much.

When you dream of bed-inhabitators and awaken with a prickly-itchy feeling get up and strike a light; your dream may have come true.

If you hear a dog howling dismally in the middle of the night, don’t have any apprehension till after you have investigated and found it was somebody in the next room snoring.

____________

Sept. 19, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Song of Autumn

I come from out the distant north, from lands of ice and snow,

Where cooling winds uplift the soul, where icy waters flow;

I breathe upon your world of green, on mountain, mead and wold,

When lo! Your landscape quickly turns to blazing red and gold.

I am a bold impressionist, master painter I;

I lay my colors rich and thick on wood and field and sky;

I never putter with the brush, my hand is quick and bold,

Upon the canvas tinted green I swap my red and gold.

But I am more than colorist, I am the harvester;

I bring the apple to the ground, and start the mills a-whirr;

I bring the yellow to the corn, I fill the barns with wheat,

And stack the cellar bins again with wondrous things to eat.

I bring a bracing atmosphere to summer’s sluggish wind,

And I am welcomed everywhere by sweltering mankind.

Fear not my rough and ready ways, fear not my cooling breath;

Although I come from ice and snow, I bring more life than death.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“A good dergestion beats money in the bank.”

______

The “Pole” Department

This is not a synopsis of previous chapters, but is merely to say that the pole has been discovered, and that the same fate awaits one or the other of the discoverers shortly. Contributions to this department will be paid for in house lots just off Cook avenue, Pearytown, North Pole, U.S.A. We have an option of 20 acres, which are now being filled in.

Jim – When is a pole not a pole? When it’s a pole (s) cat.

F. A. N. – Isn[t it funny, the farther Peary gets from the Arctic regions the more he is “cooling off.”

My, my, but finding the pole has given things an awful turn.

                                                     A. ROUND.

Ted Robinson, in the Cleveland Leader, says, “The Eskimo dog wins over the airship, two up.”

Whew!

Eskimo – Judging from the bad odor created over the discovery of the pole one of the parties must have found a pole-cat.

CHANGING COLOR.

R. Peary he just tried to be

       The only white man there;

But in this fuss, it seems to us,

       He’s not so white and fair.

                                    I. SKREME.

______

Apples

I used to take an apple fine to teacher every morn at 9, and she would smile and thank me, too, and kiss me if none were in view. And now, in after years I dwell on those old scenes I loved so well, and I would like to take, I vow, an apple to that teacher now!

______

Who Is It

(Contributed.)

When the strikers are out and the streetcars they wreck,

And the soldiers are called the riot to check,

Who is it then gets the ball in the neck?

       The man who looks on.

When anyone sees two men come to blows,

And as a peacemaker between them he goes,

Who is it that gets the biff on the nose?

       The man who butts in,

When an honest contractor hands in a bid,

(The finance committee now sits on the lid)

Who is it that gets the fat contract – or did?

       The man with a pull.

When the courts a lesson to grafters would teach,

And they sail down the harbor (bot to the beach),

Who is it some say they never will reach?

       The man higher up.

Now the tariff is fixed, at least for a while,

And we find lower process will not be in style,

Who is it so pleased, and wears a broad smile? –

       The man from R. I.

       Dorchester.                                H. E. F.

______

Book No. 1

If Perry said

     The things they say,

And Cook the same,

     Then all that they

Will need to do

     Is clip them out;

They’ll make two books

     Both big and stout.

______

New Use for the Cat

Cats have been used for most everything, and have always been found effective and hardy, but a Stoughton man is first to introduce them in actual warfare. Not daring to attack his opponent with his bare hands, he seized the pussy and threw her with all his might. The cat went straight to the mark, as she always does, and stuck. Dispatches failed to state whether he won the battle, but if he did it can easily be seen he did it by a scratch.

____________

Sept. 20, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Succotash

I sit before my desk each day,

     Amidst the city’s pomp and show;

In spite of all, my thoughts will stray

     To scenes I loved long, long ago.

My mind returns to boyhood scenes,

     To cattle carts, and whip and lash;

To pumpkin pie and corn and beans,

     And, best of all, to succotash.

I go down to the restaurant,

     With all its life, so free from care;

I do not see a thing I want,

     Upon its stately bill of fare.

Because this very time of year

      I’m tired of roasts and fries and hash;

I yearn for country atmosphere,

     And mother’s home-made succotash.

Let poets sing of quail on toast,

     And all the dainties of the see;

Let epicures rave over roasts,

     They cannot get a rise from me.

Of course I like good things to eat,

     And do not fear to spend my cash;

I own that city life’s a treat,

     But O, I want some succotash!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“It sometimes happens that a self-made man don’t hev no occasion to be proud uv his job.”

______

Cheerful Comments

It takes more dust to keep Boston’s dirt down.

No one can say that the pole is a chip of the old block.

Baseball will never be the same without Fred Tenney in the game.

There are some naughty posters over in the West end, and “Sheridan” several miles away.

Most men can eat humble pie, but of course, they prefer squash or blueberry.

The “Ice Cream Soda’s” scarcely by before “Hot Chocolate” greets the eye.

The mother who brought her boy up to cook and sew never intended him for the husband of a suffragette.

Has anyone figured out how much coal it will take to pull the President around on that trip?

You can know that your wife truly loves you if she smiles when you overturn your coffee on a new table spread.

Even if there aren’t any game laws in Africa there ought to be some considerations shown for hunters of future generations.

______

The Grind

Don’t you hear the stiddy grindin’

Uv the luscious cider mill?

Don’t you see the ol’ horse windin’

In the early mornin’ still?

Can’t you taste the juicy drippin’s

As they gurgle frum the squeeze?

Can’t you smell the golden pippins

As they splatter in the cheeze?

Git your straws an’ git your bonnets,

Come on Nell an’ come on John! How kin poets grind out sonnets

When the cider mill is on?

______

Elbert’s Little Joke

There are no flies on Elbert Hubbard, chief of the Roycrofters, Fra Elbertus and Sage of West Aurora. When Elbert begins talking of himself and his books you might just as well wait for the next car. for you won’t get a look in unless you should chance to flash a $10 note with a view to purchasing one of his hand and foot-made books.

Recently the American Press Humorists were guests of the Fra, and many funny things happened in East Aurora that day. A placard on a post of the Roycroft Inn announced that “Mr. Hubbard and 32 other Humorists would speak in the chapel in the afternoon at 3.” An hour and a half was to be given to the exercises. Elbert, in introducing the first speaker, got lost in the mazes of self-laudation and took up about an hour and a quarter of the other 32 humorists’ time. Cy Warman, W.R. Rose and “Dunc” Smith got about seven minutes apiece, and the it was “all aboard” for Buffalo. Great joke, that of Elbert’s!

______

Still Worrying

I wish I were a polar bear,

     I do upon my soul;

I might have saved these days of care,

In which I’ve raved and torn my hair,

And worried till my nerves are bare,

By knowing how and why and where

And who and which one of this pair

     Discovered that old pole.

______

On Tap

Hank Stubbs – My, but I’d like a sooveneer of thet north pole.

Bige Miller – Come over to my ice house an’ I’ll chip you off a piece.

______

A Good Investment

For sale – One safety razor, in good condition. Is equally good for paring and slicing potatoes. Having decided to let my whiskers grow this winter, I have no use for the same, and offer it at cut prices. Inquire Fairskin, Health and Beauty Dept.

______

Hail the Dig-Dig!

O what care I if butter’s high.

     If dropped eggs never drop;

There’s life for all, both great and small,

     In Roostook’s tater crop.

______

Butterless, but Not Jamless

If your good wife in summer

     Made plenty of jam,

For the high price of butter

     You don’t care a bit.

____________

Sept. 21, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Top

(The late Gov. Johnson rose from deepest poverty to highest office in State. News item.)

“There’s room enough on top,” they say,

And it is proven every day.

There’s room enough for you and I

To stand beside the famed and high.

Don’t stop midway the winding stair,

And in complaining tones declare

It’s useless, you are going to stop;

Keep on, there’s room enough on top.

‘Tis not at all a new idea,

‘Tis known by all from far and near,

But people, in the daily grind,

Sometimes forget that they may find

The goal for which they daily strive

Beside them in the human hive.

Forget in office, store or shop,

It’s possible to reach the top.

Look to the top, take heart once more

From Minnesota’s Governor;

What more of proof that man may climb

Is wanted than his rise sublime?

What greater proof that you and I

May stand beside the famed and high?

Take heart; look up, don’t ever stop,

There’s room enough for you on top.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Ef you hitch your waggin to a star give it plenty uv rope, es you are likely to git some fast travellin’ sooner or later.”

______

St–w H–ts

K. I. T. – No, they are not altogether squelched as yet, but a few more cold days will do wonders. You may see an occasional one going down the street on the head of a self-conscious individual, but on the whole they are getting to be about as scarce as white blackbirds.

______

The “Pole” Department

Today will probably wind up this department as a separate feature given to that passing event. Really, pole-finding has become so common now that it attracts little interest, and Jocosity must furnish room for the more important things in life. Pole-finding will no doubt become a pastime of the idle rich, but we busy Americans will soon be too much occupied with our bridge and other knitting to bother much about what is going on at our newly acquired skating park.

LOST LITERATURE

Two Eskies who travelled with Cook

Decided they would scribble a book’

     But a message from Perry

Made both of them leary,

And that notion they quickly forsook.

   Webster.                             S.G.R.

Mrs. Ill-Humor – Why shouldn’t Peary bring back “a study in black and white”? Henson could supply the dark tone. Pity all his latest efforts should appear so shady! Leave it to Robert; he has all the local color necessary, as well as foreign.

CROWDED OUT

First Aviator – Folded your wings for the winter?

Second Aviator – No; but what’s the use making any flights as long as the papers are full of the Cook-Peary affair?

Lynn – What would have happened if both explorers had reached the pole at the same time? Ans. – It would have been a dual meeting.

______

Johnnie’s Idea of It

The foot that rocks the cradle

     Is the foot that rules the sphere;

The hand that spanks the trousers

     Is the hand we mostly fear.

____________

Sept. 22, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Pole at Stokes’ Store

This good old world may fume and fret,

     This good old world may swear and tear;

Inhabitants may threat and bet,

     In Gungawamp they do not care.

They’ve talked it over day by day,

     And nights till 10, and even more;

Who found the pole and got away

     They’ve settled it in Stokes’ store.

It was no easy thing to do,

     And arguments rose ceiling high;

The Cow Club split almost in two,

     And blood was in each member’s eye.

Tobacco smoke rose, roll on roll,

     And chewers chewed as ne’er before;

But who was victor at the pole

     Was settled there in Stokes’ store.

The village is serene again,

     Work is resumed, the danger o’er;

The place for scientific men

     Is in a chair at Stoke s’ store.

Why waste your money and your time

     With instruments and Arctic lore;

Why not leave arguments sublime

     For settlement in Stokes’ store?

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Them ez hez gits their laigs pulled.”

______

The Perch

(I Go A-Fishing.)

The perch (called “pearch” by brother Izaak) is one of the beauties of the finny tribe. He is more ornamental than useful, and may be called the Beau Brummel of pan fish. Perhaps it is due to his education that the perch is near-useless, for it cannot be denied that he is educated and shows his environment. He was born in schools and travels in schools the most of his life. It would seem that his culture would keep him from being buncoed so easily, but as a matter of fact the perch is one of the biggest fool-fish that swims. He will bite at anything, and as often as the opportunity offers. In fact, he is always biting when you don’t want him to, and we have seen anglers yank him from a carefully prepared salmon or bass troll and throw him as far as they could, sending a few unprintable names in his wake.

The perch is accused of being wormy in the summer. He certainly does worm himself into good society wherever there is a fishing boat anchored, and makes his way to the top if there is any show. Doubtless this is why he is called “Perch,” because he aims to be first on the “high hook.” Certainly if there is a fish that ought to get the hook the common yellow perch is IT. In the words of a local poet:

“The yaller perch he

Is a very good biter,

But makes a poor show

As an ev’ryday fighter.”

The yellow perch gives up easily when he sees it is all off. Aside from that he has a yellow streak in him. He is not the equal of the sea perch. The sea perch is whiter all round, and looks well on a shore dinner bill of fare. The difference between the sea perch and the yellow perch is in the color, shape, taste and locality found, which is quite enough to satisfy most anybody.

______

Nature’s Make-up

It matters not how deep the red

On nature’s cheek so fair;

We know it has been brought about

By methods fair and square.

______

Just Wondering

Although it is September, still there’s evidence of autumn chill, and you may know in many ways   we’ll soon be nursing winter days. The most surprising thing to us is that some hurry-rhyming cus-tomer has not got on the ground and sent some rhymes on snow around.

______

Ah, Me!

If I could only do the things

     I used to do so easily;

My aching joints have lost their springs;

     I cannot run a race; ah, me!

I’m old and stout, I cannot do

     Those active things I like to see;

All I can do is sit and view

     The other fellows work; ah, me!

______

Cheerful Comment

And now Henson’s talking too much.

When explorers disagree, what becomes of the moving ice?

The Duc de Abruzzi has failed to discover an American Heiress.

No fooling, now, haven’t you noticed that we’ve had cold weather ever since?

New York is going to see some water-shipping, also some airshipping.

After all, there appears to be glory enough for all of them, including their friends.

Yes, money talks; if it didn’t the silence would be quite unbearable.

By and by some of Dr. Cook’s critics will say he never saw a piece of ice except in his Brooklyn refrigerator.

Why should Walter Wellman call off his flight? If the old stick keeps moving he can discover it in a new place and make good.

____________

Sept. 23, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Lookin’ Fur Trouble

Don’t look fur trouble, brother,

     Don’t hunt it anywhere;

It’s roostin’ on the ridgepole,

     It’s in the very air.

You’ll allus find it ready

     To meet you where you stray;

Don’t hunt fur trouble brother,

     But dodge it ev’ry day.

It’s waitin’ round the corner,

     To swat you when you pass;

It’s on the crowded highway,

     It’s hidin’ in the grass.

Ol’ trouble does the seekin’,

     You do not hev to fear;

The man who looks fur trouble

     Will find it fur an’ near.

Bill Mosey looked fur trouble

Out on the street one night;

The doc who looked him over

Said William wuz a sight.

This proves the wise ol’ sayin’,

     Though hard to un’erstand,

That trouble’s allus ready

     To lend a helpin’ hand.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Talk may be cheap, but it hez cost many a man his good persition.”

______

After Copy

“Alas!” said the column stuffer, sadly, “I haven’t a thing for today.”

“What is the matter?” queried the editor, eyeing him keenly, “trouble in the family?”

“No, but I can’t coax out a thing.”

“Brain fag? Perhaps you need a rest.”

“No, not that.”

“Loss of sleep?”

“No; plenty of sleep.”

“Any debts pressing?”

“No; all squared up.”

“Furnace working all right?”

“Yes, perfectly; everything at home is O. K.”

“Anything about the business worrying you?”

“No, everything is serene as far as I know, but I haven’t an idea.”

“Well, I’ll tell you what’s the matter,” said the editor, frowning, “you’re too darn comfortable; no wonder you haven’t any ideas. Go up and sass the copy men. Go home and start something. Kick a hole in the furnace pipe and send for the landlord. Get into debt.  Stay out nights, and you’ll get plenty of ideas. Things are too infernally serene, man; that’s what’s the matter with you.”

______

A Busy Man

Kind Lady – Do you never think of what you might have been?

Tramp – No, mum, it takes all me time to t’ink of w’at I be now.”

______

A Good Start

Hank Stubbs – They say Ham Streeter’s youngest gal’s goin’ on the stage.

Bige Miller – Wall, she oter hev some talunt; Ham druv the Langdon mail fur more’n twenty years.

______

Napoli

My ol’a son name’ Napoli,

     He eesa beega lad;

He no work een da barber shop,

     Da sam’ hees ol’a dad.

He lik’ for do mooch beega theeng,

     “No leetta job,” he says;

He go to Cambreedge ev’ra morn

     For deega beeg subway.

He gotta twelve doll’ ev’ra week,

     For work eight hours a day;

For Dago boy weeth no mooch school

     Ees pretta gooda pay.

He dress up nights an’ com’ een shop,

     But no geev’ me a han’;

Baycause he deega dat subway

     He feels he’s beega man.

______

Cheerful Comment

What is September doing with April showers?

The good old world is still on deck this morning.

Politics are bound to push aside some of the cold controversy.

One thing about the average moving picture, it certainly do “move.”

If the canals are disappearing on Mars it may be that the Martians are going overland in airships.

There has been so much ice discussion of late that the coal proposition has completely escaped the paragraphers.

Would the bee-sting cure make one immune from the danger of being stung by one’s “financially embarrassed” friends? If so, bring on the bees!

They say that King Edward has a new summer girl every summer. But what does the poor fellow do all through the dreary winter months?

______

Then, but Not Now

“Do you know Penrotte?”

“Yes; he was well acquainted with me before his play became a success.”

______

Thammy Thimms Thays:

“O, yeth. I’m fond of appleth thir,

     And tho ith thisther Ida;

But they tasth much the besth to me

     When squozen into thider.”

______

The Optimist

(Contributed.)

Forty and four had seats,

     Thirty and seven held straps;

Twenty at either end,

     Thirteen sitting in laps.

Still the motor man stopped

     Taking on one and ten;

While the conductor cried,

     Over the heads of men:

     “Plenty of room up front!”

Melrose.                                  T. F.

____________

Sept. 24, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Yarns

(Cotton yarns cornered by Patten crowd – News item)

Perhaps that man named Patten,

     Who likes to corner things,

Thinks he kin get a corner

     On all the yarns, by jings!

P’raps he can corner cotton,

     An’ other yarns galore;

They’s some thrt he can’t corner,

     Them yarns in Stokes’ store.

Tom Barry uster try it,

     An’ Tom’s a wonder, too;

He tried to corner stories,

     Ez drummers gen’ly do.

But ‘twarn’t no use, by hoky,

     We hed him good an’ sore

Each time he tried to corner

     Our yarns in Stokes’ store.

An’ now this man named Patten.

     A cornerer uv fame,

Accordin’ to the papers,

     Is goin’ to try the same.

Now he may corner cotton,

     An’ other yarns galore,

But wish he’d try to corner

     Them yarns in Stokes’ store!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“The man who burns his candle at both ends gen’ly goes out with the candle.”

______

Cheerful Comment

Competition is the life of exploration.

Perhaps the Munsey run scared away the Ashod business.

Anyway, the Holy Rollers enjoyed it while it lasted.

The hardest thing in life to tell is where we left our new umbrel’.

Puffs look great when they’re on, but when they’re off it’s all off.

Any swordist, no matter how efficient, should never tackle a newspaper editor.

The long, straight gown is dreaded by women, and laughed at by men, and still it’s having a run.

Ever notice, the woman who always keeps the front room locked up for company, how little company she really has?

Once in a while a barber asks you: “Do you shave yourself?” Next you know they’ll be asking if you cut your own hair.

After a girl has been married a few weeks, how motherly and advising she can be to the youngsters who used to make love to her.

______

Been Going Some

“They say Jack Matinee and his wife, Dolly Feetlite, have separated, after being married 10 years.

“Separated? That’s a funny word; they haven’t been together since the first week.”

____________

Sept. 25, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Stinger

You all know the fellow

     Who’s always on deck,

Who’s looking for pleasure

     On your little check;

Who says, “Let’s excursion

     Off down to Seaview;

Er – you get the tickets,

     And I will pay you.”

Then comes the theatre,

     Twice every week;

Here’s where you will notice

     Some more of his cheek.

“It’s us for the front row,

     Or second will do;

Yes, you get the tickets

     And I will pay you.”

*        *        *        *        *        *        *

When I am back-numbered

     And out of the game,

No broadcloth or linen,

     No money or fame,

Will he seek my presence

     And smilingly say:

“Let me buy the tickets

     And take you?” Nay, nay!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Laugh an’ grow fat is mighty good advice, but a feller kin laugh a hull lot better when the pantry’s full.”

______

“We Regret to State –”

Anonymous communications cannot receive consideration at Jocosity’s desk, therefore we cannot print your very able and strong poem, entitled “The Last Word,” madam.

______

Circumstances

“What do you think of a girl who would break her promise?”

“I should have to know what the promise was.”

______

In the Apple District

Hank Stubbs – How many barrels you goin’ to put in this fall?

Bige Miller – On’y four; they say the new parson is a teetotaler.

____________

Sept. 26, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Take Your Time

With your breakfast do you rush?

     Take your time;

Wash it down like so much mush?

     Take your time.

Do you spring to get the car

Shooting by you like a star?

What a chump you really are –

     Take your time.

Do you stand on people’s toes?

     Take your time;

Do you share their trolley woes?

     Take your time.

Do you sit in people’s laps

When you miss the hanging straps,

Someone young and fair, perhaps?

     Take your time.

Do you call upon a maid?

     Take your time;

After 10 are you afraid?

     Take your time.

Is her pater indiscreet,

Warning you the “trail to beat,”

Do you bump into the street?

     Take your time.

Do you owe a little bill?

     Take your time;

If you let them, tailors will

     Take your time.

Don’t be strong to spend your cash

Don’t dip blindly into hash,

Don’t do anything that’s rash –

     Take your time.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“The ol’ hoss may be slow, but sometimes he gits there when his competitors don’t.”

______

Cheerful Content

No worlds end at the weekend.

If Henry could only see the Hudson now!

Man can’t be judged by his income; it’s the outgo that tells the story.

It really looks as though the Wrights were going to corner all the flights.

There should have been plenty of dashers with Mars only 35,000,000 miles away.

An Ohio minister died after marrying his 5000^th couple. Well, hadn’t he made trouble enough?

A lawsuit on top of all the rest? This is asking too much of a patient people.

______

Metorious

Feet of poets oft remind us

     We can make our verse sublime,

And, departing, leave behind us

     Metre on the sands of time.

______

This Settles It

The fact that it costs one man $10,000 to find the pole, and another man $100,000, has nothing to do with the case. We know a man who lives on $300 a year, while another one spends $300,000, and yet both live. To go further, one man rides to his business in a $10,000 touring car, while one of his workmen walks, but both get there. Are these figures satisfactory? If not, we will add to them, or take off some, to suit the most fussy.

______

Little Troubles

Our little troubles of today,

How big they are, how gloom and gray;

They fill our sombre hearts with dread,

And cloud the bright sun overhead.

Our little troubles of today,

It seems as if they’d always stay;

Tomorrow comes new thoughts to stir –

We almost wonder what they were.

______

New Clothes on Old Forms

(Contributed.)

“Too many cooks” spoil the bankbook.

“A miss is as good as a” Mr. any day.

“Charity begins” with your poor relation.

“A switch in time” saves the price of a wig.

“Fools rush in” where saints would fear to wed.

“There’s many a slip ‘twixt” the coin and the purse.

“Truth is stranger than fiction,” but not half so popular.

“Early to bed and early to rise” makes a young modern man quite a surprise.

                                           “J.” L. Mendon

____________

Robert Fulton

He was a Dreamer: with an ear attent

To all the voices of the universe.

Sun, wave and cloud told him their mysteries;

And the gray mists, drawn upward by the morn,

Waked in his heart a thought of lifting wings.

He loved to sit alone on summer nights,

When some great storm camped brooding on the hills,

And watch the naked lightnings part the tent,

Slip though the dark, and run along the trail,

Chased by thunder. Always in his soul

Shone visions of a day when man might find

The way to tame these Titans of the air,

And bind them to the workings of his will.

Patient through fruitless years he sought the key,

Till fortune laid it in his eager hand,

Writing his name among her conquerors.

The wizard Steam, obedient to his word,

Bent to the task, and took man’s burden up.

Lent his strong thews to lift – his winged feet

Tireless to run his errands, share his toil,

And a new day dawned on the wondering world.

                               – Emily Huntington Miller.

Sept. 27, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

A New Suit

(The mere fact of being smartly dressed is a strong mental stimulant, and the man who is shabby and knows it is often less capable than the well dressed mentally inferior)

Day by day our jingle junk

Has been growing on the punk.

Day by day we’ve felt our verse

Has been getting worse and worse.

Running downhill all the time

Was our daily round of rhyme,

And till now we didn’t know

What on earth should make it so.

Now, our cup of joy to crown,

Comes the news from London town,

Comes the reason why our verse

Has been daily growing worse;

‘Tis because, none can refute,

We have worn a rusty suit;

Worn a suit that’s down and out,

Putting golden muse to rout.

Now we’re going to borrow ten

And get all spruced up again;

We shall buy a suit that’s new,

Then just watch what we will do!

Poetry will flow like wine,

Jokes will bear a new design;

Paragraphs will shine like gold,

We won’t have to work the old

Musty quips of grand-dad’s time,

Nor rehash forgotten rhyme.

No sir-ee, our work will bloom

Like a newly papered room,

And our jokes will bring a smile

You can hear for half a mile;

Brought about, as London knows,

By a brand new suit of clothes!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“The man who hez too many dorgs leads a dorg’s life.”

______

Cheerful Comment

A good deal is said about puppy love, and yet everybody loves a puppy.

There’s this peculiarity about the Alabama whiskey sandwich; the more you eat the more you want.

It is reported that the Shilohites may go to South Africa. What is there left for them now that HE has been there?

An Indiana man dislocated his neck staring at female loveliness. Was she cleaning a 12-story window or was she an airshipess?

If this Morocco extermination continues, how is a poor poet ever going to get a half-morocco binding at a figure within his means?

Recently a Memphis couple were married in a taxicab. Of course it wasn’t running, for if it had been the chauffeur would have been arrested for exceeding the rubber limit.

______

Your Light

Whatever you do that isn’t quite right,

Don’t stand in your light,

            Don’t stand in your light.

Tread on the others with all of your might,

Keep your poor neighbor awake half of the night,

Squeeze, if you can, unmercifully tight,

But whatever you do that isn’t quite right,

Don’t stand in your light,

            Don’t stand in your light.

____________

Sept. 28, 1909

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Why the Hen?

I saw a hen go ‘cross the street

     With slow and stately tread;

She seemed to have an end in view,

     And never turned her head.

“Why goes that hen across the street?”

     Inquired a passer by,

“I know she does it ev’ry day,

     But not the reason why.”

“You speak the truth,” I made reply,

     “She crosses ev’ry day;

And yet the garden over here

     Is equal ev’ry way.

She will not stay where she belongs,

     Though land she has to spare;

She must go on the other side

     To see what’s over there.”

“Alas!” My friend, it’s just the same

     With all the human race;

The hens will not stay where she belongs,

     Though she’s a better place.

‘Tis naught for which she is to blame,

     They’ve learned it from the men;

Tell me why men go ‘cross the street

     And I’ll explain the hen.”

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“It’s all right fur one to git the best end uv the bargain ez long ez both are uv the same opinion.”

______

A Ticklish Situation

“I should be a little skeery about takin’ the advice uv John Temple Graves,” said Capt. Joe Peters. looking up from the last issue of the “Advocate.”

“What is it?” queried Bill Jones, the groceryman.

“Why, he says ‘to love a wider is a liberal eddication.”

“Waal, what’s wrong with thet?”

“Jest this much: I should be awful ‘fraid to love somebuddy else’s wider, an’, uv course, a feller ain’t in no position to love his own.”

“Thet’s so,” said Bill, thoughtfully; “I never looked at it quite like thet afore.”

______

September

(Contributed.)

Spent are June’s greens and grays,

Now come the kindled days

When beauty bursts into blaze

     And burns out in a glory;

Now settle the yellow haze,

Dry rustles the standing maize,

While scarletted are forest ways

     By the young frost’s foray.

Now love we old friend Fire,

And cosset to him nigher,

Boy, baby and grandsire,

     Each crispy morning.

Oh, how doth age transpire –

Sprig, stem and leaf to the mire –

While time doth never tire

     Mocking and scorning,

Somerville                      H. A. K.

______

Parting of the Ways

Hermit – I spent 20 years in trying to master the cornet.

Visitor – Poor man, but one cannot always have one’s friends.

______

Local Trouble

Says the Gungawamp Gazette; “We are taking no part in this pole controversy, having enough trouble nearer home. If our esteemed contemporary wants to waste time and money in editorial discussions, hiring an extra typesetter and excluding valuable plate matter, why, that is their business, not ours. And on the other hand, we don’t know anything about poles, or longitude and latitude (only roughly enough to keep within our own), and decline to show our ignorance as some nearby journalists persist in doing. This is a matter for scientists and scientific journals, and while we respect the two explorers in question, we have no respect for people who are trying to convince the world that they know more about the frozen north than all the scientists and explorers combined. A word to the wise is sufficient; a word to the unwise is lost on the desert air.”

______

A Match Destroyer

“Why was the marriage called off, wasn’t there anybody to give her away?”

“Yes; that was the whole trouble. Her little brother did it to perfection.”

______

Pavement Philosophy

A perfect fool never thinks he’s one.

It’s a long road that doesn’t turn over a touring car.

A good dead one is better than a live bad one.

There’s a difference between earning money and making money.

A good word goes a long way, but not so fast as a poor one.

If you don’t know it all there’s a strong hope that you might know something.

Some men foolishly think that scowling is necessary in their daily business.

Although the world is growing better it is a good deal to be able to keep out of jail nowadays.

The trouble with some men is they not only don’t try, try again, but they don’t try the first time.

Marrying for money is bad enough, but some men don’t even marry on money – they even hold up the minister.

The man who is continually losing at poker criticizes automobile owners over the foolish way in which they spend their money.

______

Rain, Rain, Go Away

Backward, turn backward,

O, time in your flight!

Rain when it’s needed,

     All day and all night;

But now that the cabbage

     And melons are housed,

What is the wisdom

     In keeping us soused?

____________

Sept. 29, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Chestnutting Time

The good old days were best of all,

     The days of long ago,

When we walked through the woods to school

     Two full grown miles or so.

How oft we lingered on the way,

     Alive with childish glee,

And with our flying sticks and stones

     Whacked chestnuts from the tree.

And then on Saturdays the trips

     With baskets, bags and pails

To hillsides where the ledges were,

     To deeper woods and vales.

The big and spreading chestnut trees

     Where nuts came rattling down;

O, who would swap a scene like this

     For pleasures in a town?

*        *        *        *        *

Alas! No more I shake the trees

     To bring my chestnuts down;

No more I walk the country ways,

     For I must live in town.

To get my store of chestnuts now

     I have to sit and think,

And dig them from my massive brow

     By means of pen and ink!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Some men begin by breakin’ a hoss in, an’ then continue by breakin’ him down.”

______

Prize Pumpkins

We ain’t a bit ambitious, an’ we don’t hunt parrerdise, but the county fair is over an’ we took the leadin’ prize; we took the prize on punkins, an’ we think we’re punkins some, an’ by way uv cellerbration we are makin’ matters hum. The Cook an’ Peary bizniz hez no interest fur  us, o’er the Hudson cellerbration we ain’t makin’ any fuss, but in town an’ country honors we hev certain got our share, fur we took the prize on punkins at the “Gungy County Fair!”

______

Small Talk

Dolly – Bathing is your long suit, is it not?

Molly – Yes, but I never use one very long, you know.

______

A Vindictive Chap

If I’m unduly glad today

     You’ll blame me not, I’ll bet –

The meanest enemy I have

     Has wed a suffragette!

                                – Buffalo News.

If I’m happy, too, like John,

     (And I am not a dead one,)

It’s not because some fellow did,

     But that I didn’t wed one.

______

There’s a Difference

“Nothing truer than that: Easy come, easy go.”

“Do you mean money, or poor relation?”

____________

Sept. 30, 1909