Jocosities - July 1909

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Da Beega Man

Da Beega man I like for shave,

     He always tak’ my chair;

He som’ tam spreenga joke weeth me

     When I cut heesa hair.

He say, “I got no mucha hair,”

     Weethout da smile or laugh;

“You have no right for charga me,”

     He say, “but justa half.”

I know he maka joke weeth me,

     So w’en he come for shave

I have a gooda one for heem,

     One joka w’at I save.

I say to heem, “you’ face so beeg

     Can’t shave for sama price;

Eet tak’ so longa time for do

     I have for charga twice!”

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Whether the game is wuth the candle or not depen’s what the game is.”

______

The Query Box

Dear Jocosity – Some years ago you perpetuated a book, “The Waybackers,” upon an unprepared and defenceless public. I have searched ex-Pres. Eliot’s 5-foot library very carefully, but do not find your book on the list. Is the fault with you or with Dr. Eliot? – Steady Reader. Right you are, “Steady Reader,” you cannot find “The Waybackers” on any 5-foot library shelf, and its perpetuator is mighty glad of it. If said author of said book couldn’t have said book in a library of respectable size he would feel pretty cheap about it and go “Wayback” and sit down. Who wants a big book in a measly little library, anyway? Jocosity’s book, understand, is in the library of his old home town, a library of 20x40 feet or more. Not only that, it is in still bigger libraries, dimensions not available at this writing. What is a 5-foot library compared with these figures?

No, “Steady Reader,” you don’t appear to have a very clear idea about this much talked about 5-foot library. This 60-inch library bears about the same relation to a large library that a can of condensed milk bears to a large fleet of Alderney cows. As to whose fault it is, the good Pres. Emeritus Eliot’s or mine, would say that in all probability it is the fault of a sagebrush printer who allowed a typographical error to occur on one of its fair pages. But for that, very likely “The Waybackers” would have been number one or two in the yard and two-thirds library.

______

The Thoughtless Doves

A pair of doves sit on my windowsill,

     And they bill and coo the livelong day;

Their actions get on to my nerves until

     I fear I shall have to drive them away.

For what right have a pair of doves to bill

     And coo all the livelong day,

Right under my eyes on the windowsill,

     When my own true love is so far away?

______

Cheerful Comment

The summer girl isn’t half so brown as she’s painted.

Engagements on the sand are, of course, washed out when the tide comes in.

Nearly every one takes his turn in a power boat sooner or later.

Will 1909 go down in history as being the year when the peach crop wasn’t ruined?

Of course, most of the youngsters will be too tired to go to meeting the night before.

There won’t always be a scarcity of wild game in this country if He keeps sending them over.

It wouldn’t be out of place for canoeists to carry life preservers instead of so much needless staff.

While the paragraphers are poking fun at Indiana she is getting material out of it for future novels.

“Be sure you are right, then go ahead.” Yes, but sometimes you can’t go ahead when you know you are right.

We are wondering if the Cape Cod canal will be utilized by the codfish who find themselves pressed for time.

The fellow who has a motorcycle under him has all the fireworks necessary for his end of the coming celebration.

______

A Poetical Disaster

There was a young poet named Regan,

Who tried to get rhyme for Skowhegan;

     He tried and he tried,

     But finally died,

And ended exactly where he began.

______

His Last Visit

Business man – I wish you wouldn’t come round her bothering me; I’ve told you twice that I can’t do anything for you!

Agent – But I don’t want you to do anything for me, sir, I want to do something for you.

Business man – Well, what?

Agent – I want to give you a copy of this marvelous book. All you have to do is pay my expenses from – ” (!!! Funeral notices later.)

____________

July 1, ‘09

d

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Game of Fishing

The little game of fishing is a school of wondrous worth;

There isn’t any better on this good old mother earth.

It teaches skill and science, and it teaches patience, too;

It teaches many lessons indispensable to you.

The little game of fishing is a school all of its own,

It’s method of persistence is the very best that’s known;

But best of all it teaches, so at least it seems to me,

Is natural description, and profound veracity.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“It’s the gun thet ain’t ludded, an’ the firecrackers thet’s gone out, thet goes off.”

______

Street Primer

Here comes the Sight Seeing wagon.

That isn’t what they call it in New York. But New Yorkers are near-vulgar, and take Liberties with the Slang Language. When New Yorkers speak of the Sight Seeing wagon they compare it with something of the long, willowy and elastic Neck variety. We Bostonians, Little One, refer to it as the Observation Conveyance. Don’t you think that is more Soundy? I thought so.

Isn’t it Gay in its new, bright colors, and with its animated manner? It must be Delightful to ride in it and hear a lot of History through a megaphone that can’t prove an Alibi. This is the Latest thing in history, Megaphonic history. In New York the megaphonist not only describes the houses Beautifully, but throws the family scandals on the Screen and rattles the Bones in the Skeleton closets. A good deal of New York’s Interior is thus brought to the Exterior. They don’t do that in Boston, Little One, because, as yet, we haven’t a very large collection of Scandal along the Route.

The Sight Seeing auto is really a Moving Picture show in the Open. A band accompanies each wagon, led by a Soloist. You get a continuous performance lecture and the admiration of a Multitude. Isn’t that a lot for your Money?

(P.S. If home-made History is your short suit, don’t stay at home and Dig out your old Books, but take some Sight Seeing trips and Study while you Ride.)

______

Nothing in It

A lot of stuff that the press puts out

    Comes under the head of “torrid ais”;

The ‘cold expression” of the Boston girl

    Is just a delusion and a snare.

______

Telephone Talk

(Contributed.)

While I’m at the phone awaiting,

Many times the number stating,

On my nerves ‘tis somewhat grating,

O’er the wire to hear her prating:

          “Number, number, number?”

Then, my number still repeating,

With the golden moments fleeting,

With success I am not meeting,

But at last I get a greeting:

          “I will call that number for you.”

Quite a while I’ve been remaining,

And connection not obtaining;

As I then begin complaining,

Comes her gentle voice, explaining:

          “That line is out of order.”

A pay-station I am ringing,

For some time I’ve kept a-dinging,

Then her voice is sweetly singing

On the line this question bringing:

          “Do you wish to send a message?”

In my ear I hear a thumping,

Or you might call it a pumping,

And I recognize the bumping

Of the graphophone a-humping:

          “Line is busy, shall I call you?”

When I am myself exerting

To be pleasant and diverting,

Perhaps do a little flirting,

Then her stern voice is asserting:

          “Operator, operator!”

Should I use some language shocking,

Asking who the line is blocking,

What I get for all this knocking

Is her answer somewhat mocking:

          “I will give you information.”

    Dorchester                       H. E. F.

______

Cheerful Comment

If power is what the Wrights lack, then more of it to their elbows.

The coming Fourth will be sane enough; it’s the Fifth that worries the nervous person.

There is no reason why the leftover June bride shouldn’t look just as sweet and be just as happy in July.

We don’t know what time the vacation season starts in Africa, but from this distance it looks as though the lions have earned a respite.

“Miss S. G. Graduate” may not be on her trunk or on her suit case. but you can easily pick her out in the transporting process.

When a girl has but 10 days for vacationing, and expects to bag 24 engagements, you can see how little time she really has for recreation.

Fathers and mothers: You can’t expect your graduate daughter to settle right down to corned beef and cabbage after she’s lived a whole year on pickles and fudge.

It is very evident that the lawn mower isn’t as good a thing as was supposed earlier in the season. At least, it isn’t propelled with as much vigor as it was.

______

Halving a Loaf

Vacation days too fleeting are –

          And yet, we must recall

That “half a loaf is better,” far.

          Than not to loaf at all. – Puck

Yet we have found when we’ve 

     returned –

          And ‘tis no idle chaff –

From loafing we had not the price

          To even raise a half.

______

Not Always

Don’t believe all you hear; don’t be misled by philosophers. The biggest fish don’t always get away. How about those which your friend, who has just returned from his vacation, says that he really caught? Big ones, weren’t they? Of course they were.

Well, if he really caught them they didn’t get away, did they? Of course they didn’t. Don’t believe all you hear.

____________

July 2, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Resourceful Bard

The man who has to write a string

     Of verse and jokes each day,

Is sometimes sadly up a tree

     To know just what to say.

The muse won’t always linger near

     To lend a helping thrill;

And then he has to juggle some

     His gaping space to fill.

He knows a merry trick or two

     And brings them into play;

Instead of writing straight across,

                    He runs

                    It down

                    This way.

And if space still is waiting him,

     Has caught him unawares,

He gains an inch, or more perhaps,

By

             Writing

                            It

                                  Down

                                                 Stairs.

          Another way

              Is mighty fine:

          Just shorten up

              To half a line.

          It eats up space,

              And brings him bliss;

          To write it out

              The same as this.

But best of all is Lampton’s way

     Of paralyzing space;

To run it down in real “yawp” style,

     If one has got the face.

He

Takes his pen

In hand

And then

Just

Sings

And strings

His song

Along

Down the line

And peo-

Ple say

It’s

Fine!

And thus you see, the chap who writes

     A column every day

Has many ways

To make his plays

     And cheer him on his way.

Were it not so the day would come

     Quite often, too, I think,

When his performance, done in verse,

                    Would

     Be

                    Upon

                         The

Blink.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Ef wishes wuz flyin’ machines we wouldn’t git very fur by the wishin’ process.”

______

End of the World

If you are caught napping on Sept. 15 of the present year, with your grip unpacked and your pass unsigned, it will be your own fault. The H. G. and U. Society, whose main signal station is at Shiloh, Me., has issued a timely warning to the effect that upon the aforesaid date the world will cease to be a tangible object. That means that the footstool upon which we rest our weary feet just now will be a minus, and that the only place we will have to cling to will be the deep and polished walls of space.  The most of us are very good strap hangers, but when it comes to hanging on the walls of space, very few of us have the grip for a stranglehold. Owing to their facilities for receiving inside information they claim to have the time of the combustion reduced to the exact second. This information comes at an unfortunate season of the year for the most of us. We were looking forward to a vacation of absolute quiet and rest. We were to allow nothing of a distractatory nature to follow us into the shade of the sheltering pine, but now ‘tis an open question whether we’d best go and revel with the loons, the hoot-owls and the operatic mosquitoes or stay in town and try to undo a lot of our life that has been done. Uncertainty in such hot weather is awful. This society with a long name, but short life, ought to be in better business than issuing these scare-head bulletins. The temperature in this immediate neighborhood has risen 10 degrees since reading this distressing announcement, which, if it does no further harm, has added extra expense to our little ice cream soda digression. Can’t the H. G. and U. Society be bribed into postponing this affair to a more convenient season?

______

Summer Music

The time come when tingles nice the music of the cracking ice. – Baltimore Sun.

And leads the hearers on to dream they’re making highballs or ice cream (according to the environment). – Indianapolis News.

What good to make a wish or fuss, when it’s the neighbor over us?

______

Hast Ever Seen One?

The rarest animal of all,

          Of which the human mind could dream

In jungle depth or city hall,

          Is one who never eats ice cream.

______

Exact Location

Hank Stubbs – Cucumbers never hurt me in the world.

Bige Miller – Waal, theta here they hurt me, neither.

______

The Real Thing

City Cousin – I suppose you’ve had some pretty tight squeezes up there in the woods?

Maine Bear Hunter – Ruther, but they ain’t a circumstance to the street car squeeze I git here with five men on a seat.

____________

July 3, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Name of Peter White

“I’d like to know the reason why

     The things some people say

Are quoted in the magazines

     An’ papers ev’ry day,

While things I say are never kept,

     An’ mine are jest ez bright

Ez what them other fellers say,”

     Said Uncle Peter White.

“Take Shakespeare, Drummond, Socrates,

     The papers ev’ry day

Hev lines all scartered here an’ there

     That them wise fellers say.

To me they don’t seem ‘special bright,

     No brighter’n some of mine;

An’ yit you’ll never see my name

     Hitched to a single line.

“I don’t know why it is, I vum,

     Thet Spencer, Pope an’ Poe

An’ half a hundred other chaps

     Are allus favored so.

I make wise sayin’s ev’ry day,

     To me they’re ‘special bright;

An’ yit you never see nowheres

     The name uv Peter White.

“There’s somethin’ wrong somewheres, I know,

     They’ve simply cornered fame;

Them bits uv wisdom are attached

     To some more favored name.

But I hev hopes the time will come,

     Each paper will be bright

Enough to print the things I’ve said,”

     Said Uncle Peter White.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“A grocery store is a good place to do farmin’ in pervidin’ the farmin’ is all done afore you git there.”

______

Getting On in Life

“Hand-made Letters from a City-made Son to his Home-made Father)

Yours to hand, dad, also the enclosure. What led you to send your check for $10, anyway? I’m sure I did not hint at such a thing. I remember saying that I was pressed for time, and then asked you if you thought time was money, but didn’t think for a moment you would see the connection. My, dad, but you surprise me sometimes by your insight and cleverness. Then again, I have marveled at the slow manner in which you have grasped a seemingly plain situation. Of course, I can see plainly that you intended the check for my private use, so will not displease you by returning it. I can use it to good advantage in getting a vacation outfit. Had an interview with my boss yesterday regarding my annual leave of absence. Asked him if he thought the office could do without me the last two weeks in July. He said they would make every effort to do so. “Don’t,” said he, “let our business interfere with your vacation. Rather than that we will close up the place.” So you see, dad, how I stand in the commercial world. Am promised an increase of salary after vacation days are over, so you see I am nearing the multi-millionaire aggregation.

I said in my last that I had something to divulge. I don’t know how to begin, dad, or how to end, so will jump right into the middle of it with recklessness and abandon. Gladinette and I are engaged, and she is to spend her vacation with us up there on the farm. That is, of course, if you invite her. She would hardly come without an invite from headquarters. Modesty is one of Gladinette’s many shining features. I know you will like her, dad, because you are so much like me. You know you are an old chip of the new block. But there is to be no flirting on your part, dad. If there is I shall have to reprimand you and send you to bed early. You used to say, “What’s sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.” Now I may be a goose, dad, but you will have to sever the gander business while we are up there rusticating. Hope your rheumatism won’t bother you much at that time, for we shall have to have a lot of errands done. Yours for the fragrant fields after the hay is harvested.

______

For the Fourth

Most accidents are reported in advance.

All “siss” and no explosion makes Jack a dull boy.

Noise and patriotism are only thirty-second cousins.

The only way to firewater is to fire it over your head.

Give the non-sizzling cracker plenty of time – and then give it some more time.

Don’t hold it in your hand too long; there’s a great scarcity of them in the hand market.

______

Cheerful Comment

Burning money in any form has never seemed sane or safe to some people.

Who ever heard of a bride neither vivacious, dainty or charming?

A literary certainty is that Adam’s diary couldn’t have been one of the six best sellers.

Can you imagine any one going to the country for reat and quiet with a phonograph attachment?

When Harvard puts her oar in nowadays the innocent bystander sits up and takes notice.

Nothing but a tie-up in the freights can now put the watermelon out if the reach of the ultimate consumer.

You don’t notice any of the tired feeling about the fellow headed for the North station with two suitcases and a fishpole.

That Mexican gentleman who spent $100,000 on a year’s vacation set an example hard to follow but most of us will do the best we can along the way.

(the original had been folded up at the bottom, broke off, and is missing the ending)

____________

July 4, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Sure Enough!

It’s too hot to work,

     And too hot to play;

It’s too hot to go,

     And too hot to stay.

It’s too hot to die,

     And too hot to live;

Too hot to receive,

     And too hot to give.

It’s too hot to sell,

     And too hot to buy;

It’s too hot to ride,

     And too hot to fly.

It’s too hot to weep,

     And too hot to wish;

But just about right

     To lay off and fish!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“What’s the use in teachin’ an ol’ dorg new tricks, anyway; ain’t the ol’ ones bad enough?”

______

Street Primer

Here comes the Fourth of July!

Isn’t he the Big Noise? He got up very Early this morning to let himself be Heard. In fact he was Up pretty much all night, handing out false Reports to his neighbors. He has Red lights in his Eyes, a pin wheel on his Nose and a tin horn in his Teeth. He carries a Noisy cane in one hand and a pistol in the other. There are skyrockets sticking from the back of his Neck, and from each Ear protrudes an Immense Roman candle. He also carries a big Pack of firecrackers on his back, and is Smoking in many places.

He stalks abroad and Terrorizes the neighborhood. He has money to Burn and leaves a Nervous prostration sample at many doors. He takes off a Finger here and puts an eye Out there. He pounds the Drum of your ear and sets your clothes afire if he Can. He has a Loud voice and Explodes with Mirth at your look of Fear.

Yes, he has another name, Little One; it is Patriotism. But this name doesn’t Fit him very well now; he has Outgrown it. Fourth of July and Patriotism are supposed to go hand in hand, but they get Separated when they hear the Big Noise.

(P.S. – If it takes 45,000 Maxim Silencers to quiet the United States army, how many would Uncle Samuel have to Buy to Reduce the Big Noise?)

______

A Rocket Tragedy

I shot a rocket in the air,

It scooted high, I know not where;

Another found it, so ‘tis said –

It fell upon his barren head.

______

The Troublesome Wind

The airships and the aeroplanes wait till the wind is still before they try to soar above to show their worth and skill; they do not like the laughing breeze that sweeps o’er hill and dale, and so, unless the wind subsides, they will not try to sail. When sailors real go out to sail they want a spanking breeze, but sailors of the airships say: "Just excuse us, please. We want to sail, indeed we do, and leave the earth behind, but when we sail we do not want to be propelled by wind.” It seems to us the geniuses take methods far the worst; they ought to find a way to stop the wind from blowing first.

______

How They Have It

We have it from a reliable dentist that some girls fail to get married because their teeth need fixing. – Nebraska State Journal.

We have it from an equally trustworthy barber that some men fail to marry because they don’t get shaved often enough. – Chicago Tribune.

We have it from a thoroughly credible hunch that some people don’t get married because the other party to the proposed contract won’t agree to it. – Indianapolis News.

We have it from a minister that if there was more doing in the wedding line there wouldn’t need to be so much done in the line of pleading for an increase of salary.

______

One Kind of Satisfaction

Hank Stubbs – A man orter be satisfied to hev his autymobile break down once in a while.

Bige Miller – Why so?

Hank Stubbs – Waal, when she ain’t workin’ he ain’t runnin’ anybuddy down nur breakin’ any uv the speed laws.

______

No Place for Him

“What’s de use?” said the tired looking individual, “you can’t suit de world, anyway.”

“What now?” asked the man who was shelling peanuts.

“Well, if a feller sticks to de end seat in a t’heatre or a street car, dey calls him de ‘end seat hog,’ an’ if he takes de middle dey call him de ‘between de act nuisance an’ ask him w’at he’s walkin’ all over ev’rybuddy fer.”

____________

July 5, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

A Young Patriot

Little Sammy Simmons, he started yesterday

To celebrate the Fourth in his very own way.

He had of thumbs a pair, and he had of fingers eight,

But hasn’t now so many, I’m sorry to relate.

He had a little cannon which at dawn he tried to fix;

It went off prematurely, and then he had but six.

They fixed him up, then Sammy was very much alive;

He dropped his father’s pistol, and then he had but five.

But Sam was patriotic, he stole out through the door,

And monkeyed with a chaser, and then he had but four.

They locked him in his chamber; the porch they didn’t see;

He found a cannon cracker, and then he had but three.

He tried to stop a rocket before it upward flew;

Alas! It wouldn’t linger, and then he had but two.

With two he reached the village to mingle in the fun;

A set-off box exploded, and Sammy had but one.

But Sammy, nothing daunted, remained as he’d begun;

He tried to stop a pinwheel, and then he counted none.

But Sammy’s patriotic, is looking forward now

To coming celebrations with pleasure on his brow.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Where there’s smoke they’s a small boy with his nose poked into it.”

______

Epicurean Epigrams

The cup that cheers is sometimes hard to lift.

Condensed foods require condensed stomachs.

“Eat, drink,” and the remainder of the sentence is superfluous.

Food has this to its credit: You can’t take it or let it alone.

In hot weather a good many people eat by drinking.

Too many cooks spoil the broth; too few spoil everything, broth included.

A toast is very pleasant to receive if it doesn’t turn out to be a roast.

All the mysteries of life are not wrapped up in a plate of beef hash.

Bread is the staff of life, and butter is the lubricant that keeps it running smoothly.

The pity of it all is that many mothers don’t hear about the splendid things they used to make.

______

Pavement Philosophy

The ice wagon looks better than it sounds.

Oftentimes a man gets in for going out for a good time.

Don’t bother to kick yourself; there’s always plenty of others glad to do it.

The trouble with some people is they try to grasp opportunity with kid gloves on.

The road to success is a little upgrade; therefore you need a good start and steady pushing.

Time and tide wait for no man, but if you have got a good automobile or a motor boat, you can come pretty near giving it a good run for its money.

______

Why?

Do men have their hair cut on Saturdays?

Does a girl try to improve on Nature?

Do people say “yes” when they mean “no”?

Do you tip a girl waiter and not a man?

Do some people read the last chapter first?

Do people use their recreation hours for working?

Are people early to the theatre and late for church?

Do people lick a horse that they know won’t go any faster?

Do boys soak in a creek all day and kick at a bath at home?

Does a man feel happy when a conductor overlooks his fare?

Why?

______

Assisting Him to First

“The caterpillar is the slowest thing on earth,” said the young man, poking at the tree trunk with his cane.

“Oh. I don’t know,” said the young lady in the hammock, who hadn’t as yet scored her first engagement for the summer.

______

A Handy Man

“Why so sad?” queried the man, looking at her fondly.

“Oh, nothing special; only I have troubles of my own,” said the frail young thing, sighing.

“I insist on taking a hand in them,” he said, seizing a dainty palm that was wasting its time in her lap.

____________

July 6, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Song of the Mowing Machine

                           I.

Up in the morning at break of day,

Breakfasting the cattle with grain and hay;

Currying horses and cleaning stalls,

Orders subdued by the roosters’ calls.

Making all haste in the cool of dawn,

Starting to mow ere the heat comes on;

Horses and men arrayed for the scene,

Joining the song of the mowing machine.

                    REFRAIN.

“Rattlety–rattlety,” to and fro,

Like lightning the keen-edged cutters go;

The waving grasses, supple and tall,

Like platoons of wounded soldiers fall.

“Rattlety–rattlety,” sharp and keen,

Rises the song of the mowing machine.

                            II.

Down in the hollow and up on the hill,

Backing and turning, the driver’s will;

Tugging and toiling the long swaths through,

Washing their feet in the morning’s dew.

Pausing awhile ‘neath the sheltering oak,

Lighting the strain with a quip or joke.

Halting to drink in the cool ravine,

Helping the song of the mowing machine.

                    REFRAIN.

“Rattlety–rattlety, click, click, click,”

Leveling the grasses green and thick;

Mellowed at times by the driver’s “Whoa!”

Steadily onward the cutters go.

Labor and music, and rests between,

Welcome the song of the mowing machine.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Even ef the world does owe you a livin’ you are a mighty good collector ef you kin ketch him in when you call ‘round.”

______

Rural Life

The “Gungawamp Advocate” is responsible for the following “Local Items” this week.)

Abijah Miller desires to swap a sorrel mare for a phonograph which is sound and used to woman folks. See advt.

Owing to one of our typesetting force enjoying a vacation with a carbuncle on his right shoulder, correspondents are requested to send in half the usual amount of items for two weeks or more.

Gabe Perkins has sold his entire first crop of salt meadow to a representative of a cigarette concern who passed through here recent.

An automobile broke down in front of Jones’ emporium a few days since. After working with hammers, wrenches and testers for three hours the pilot found out he was out of gasoline.

______

The Roll Call

The smoke of battle’s lifted now,

          And parents sore, bereft,

Have made a microscopic search

          To gather what is left.

______

Cheerful Comment

A sane Fourth is how you look at it, not what you hear.

If Bingham does become mayor of New York won’t he bang ‘em?

Have you noticed how some of the heads of the summer girls resemble drowned rats?

The sea serpent isn’t contributing his usual amount to the coffers of the summer hotel proprietor.

Notwithstanding the annual ruination of the yearly crop the little peach gets here just the same.

If you are going to the shore or mountains to dance, pool, bridge and keep late hours, you can do all that in Boston, and lots more of it.

______

Honk! Honk!

Man wants but little here below,

       But this is how he feels:

He wants it like the deuce to go

       On four good rubber wheels.

______

What People Say

What difference does it make to you

          What people say?

You know the false word from the true

          From day to day.

You know they’ll criticize you sure,

          If you are bad or good and pure;

It’s easy for you to endure

What people say.

Keep on, don’t let it break you down

          What people say,

Don’t let it drive you out of town.

What people say;

What people say is seldom true

Someone has got it in for you;

Forget it, brother. P.D.Q.,

     What people say.

______

The Ultimate Consumer

“What made Milwaukee famous?”

“The beer, of course,”

“Wrong again.”

“What then?”

“The men behind it.”

____________

July 7, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Victim

I do not care for wealth,

     I do not care for fame;

I do not care for those

     Who’ve oceans of the same.

I do not care for looks,

     I do not care for clothes;

I do not care for joys,

     I do not care for woes.

I do not care for sounds,

     Nor do I care for sights;

I do not care for days,

     Nor do I care for nights.

I care not for despair,

     I do not care for hope;

I do not care for care,

     I only care for dope.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“It’s all right to make hay while the sun shines, but you hev no right to neglect the cool stun jug down under the big oak tree.”

______

A Challenge?

Editor Col. Henry Watterson says: “The rural editor is growing in grace and gracefulness.” That is all right for the rural editor, but how about the city editor; is he going to let this pass unnoticed? The fact of the Colonel’s being a city editor himself doesn’t let him out. No, sah; by thundah, no, sah!

______

Cheerful Comment

Here’s hoping the aeroplane hasn’t come to stay – put.

Fly time is not altogether the best time for fly fishing.

Notice how cool it’s been since you stopped worrying over the heat?

Vacation for the house fly appears to have already set in.

Umbrellas on the free list or not won’t affect the annual crop any.

After all, the home run after the game is the one that counts.

Sometimes the scarcity of mosquitoes depends upon what brand you are smoking.

“Early to bed and early to rise” sometimes makes breakfast seem a long time coming.

Croquet is anything but a quiet game during some of the numerous pauses.

Hot weather brings many joys, and otherwise. We had in mind ice cream and too large a plate of cucumbers.

Most women are good housekeepers, but it still remains for the strong husbands to raise the dust.

The most cruel thing about the vacation business is that when we get back it doesn’t seem as if we’d had one.

______

The Alternative

“About the thirstiest place in the world you can put a man is out in an open boat, in the hot sun, fishing.”

“A case of water, water all around him and not a drop to drink.”

“The only alternative is, of course, the supply of live bait.”

“And still, there are people who say they don’t care for fishing.”

“People are mighty hard to understand.”

“Would you like to try them this morning?”

“It’s going to be an awfully hot day.”

“But I have the alternative.”

“Come on, if you must.”

______

A Poet’s Plight

I wish I were a pretty girl,

     As pretty as can be;

Then would the very homely ones

     Just stop and envy me.

And all the men who passed me by

     Would turn around to see;

If I were but a pretty girl,

     As pretty as could be.

I wish I were a pretty girl,

     But I am not, you see;

I’m nothing but a homely jay,

     As homely as can be.

E’en could I wed a pretty girl,

     I’d be all right, you see;

Alas! I can’t; I am so plain

     They will not look at me.

______

Those Indians

Indiana farmers are all right,

Indiana aeronauts are all right,

Indiana inventors are all right.

Indiana poets are all right.

Indiana is all right,

Indiana papers please copy.

______

Contrast

Mary bought a bathing suit;

          ‘Twas disappointing very –

While in the shop it looked quite cute;

          It was a sight on Mary.

– New York Telegram.

So Mary bought another suit

          That fits her to the minute,

It isn’t much to look at – but

          You ought to see her in it!

– Cleveland Leader.

If it’s as you describe it,

          When Mary goes a-tripping

Across the sands to reach the sea,

          It must be simply ripping.

                                      – Houston Post.

You cannot tell yet how ‘twould look,

          This suit of Mary’s getting;

It hasn’t rained of late, and so

          It hasn’t had a wetting.

____________

July 8, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

An Alibi

No matter what you do in life,

     No matter when you come or go;

No matter if your days are rife,

     If you are moving fast or slow,

You just can elevate your nose,

     And look the stern world in the eye;

Can snap your fingers at your foes,

     If you can prove an alibi.

If you are sued for breach of peace,

     And sued for breach of promise, too;

If you’ve assaulted the police,

     And chased them way beyond your view.

If you have written rhyming rot,

     And some one wants to black your eye,

You just can tell them what is what,

     If you can prove an alibi.

So when you’re going here and there,

     On business or pleasure bent,

Just have a little outward care

     Of where and how your time is spent.

That is, remember, on your way,

     The world turns on a spying eye;

No matter what you do or say

     Be sure you’ve got your alibi.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Ez a rule you’ll find the world ready to help you, or kick you, jest ez you deserve.”

______

Dreamley’s Gardening

Dreamley took his friend out to see his garden a few days ago. Dreamley was an enthusiast at the beginning of the season. He has kept up his enthusiasm right along, but that is all.

“What a beautiful garden!” exclaimed his friend; “where is it?”

“It begins here,” replied Dreamley, wallowing to his waist in weeds and grasses.

“It looks like a good hay year,” said his friend, “unless the weeds run the hay all out.”

“Here is the lettuce,” said Dreamley, squatting and parting the heavy overgrowth.

“Grown in the shade; it must be very tender,” said his friend.

“Corn is coming up,” said Dreamley, espying a slender shoot; “we are very fond of late greencorn.”

“Late greencorn is good,” remarked his friend, sympathizingly.

“I had a hill of cucumbers somewhere,” said Dreamley, struggling through the tangled mass on his hands and knees.

“Here it is, climbing this stalk of dock,” replied his friend. “Handy when you want to pick them; great scheme letting them grow over your head.”

“I had some potato vines, but the bugs have eaten them all bare,” sighed Dreamley.

“That’s the worst of trying to raise potato bugs on a large scale; they’re great eaters,” observed his friend, whacking a 4-foot pig weed with his cane.

“I have some beets somewhere, but I guess they have got covered so I cannot find them. It was the same with my radishes.”

“But your hoe, man, your hoe; don’t you use it ever?”

“Well, you see, it wouldn’t pay, really. We’ll all be gone to the shore when these things are ripe.”

“Well, what in thunder did you plant a garden for, anyway?”

“O, just to see things grow,” explained Dreamley, his eyes lighting up; “a fine garden is a great sight.”

“Yes, what one can see of yours is a great sight,” agreed his friend.

______

Athletes Afield

“’Tain’t often I’m lucky,

     But sometimes I be,”

Said Amos J. Blodgett

     One evening to me.

And pointing his finger,

     “Jest look at them twins;

It’s fine to hev school out

     When hayin’ begins!”

______

Down to a Fine Point

A woman is never as old as the woman next door would like to have the other neighbors believe.

A woman is never as old as she has to believe herself, but doesn’t want to.

A woman is never as old as the family Bible unfeelingly testifies.

A woman is never as old as she looks to her growing daughters.

A woman is never old anyway, if she is wise.

A woman is always wise.

Therefore she is

Never, never

Old

______

Cheerful Comment

Brides and grooms of the short-distance honeymoons are returning.

If it is the unexpected that always happens then it is up to you to expect it.

Why does a girl try to improve her complexion all winter and try to spoil it all summer?

If we had our choice between $100,000 and a college education we’d take the $100,000 and then buy the education.

Perhaps we can all afford a 5-ft. library now that they’ve put it on the 5-year payment play. Most any of us can afford a foot a year.

There are two kinds of callers, those who come right in and sit down, making everybody comfortable, and those who haven’t time to sit down, but stand in the doorway for an hour, making everybody uncomfortable.

______

Art for the Animals

Hank Stubbs – I hear you are goin’ to ‘low some uv them big advertisin’ signs over in your pastur’ side uv the railroad track?

(original folded over at this point and at some point broken off)

____________

July 9, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Pussy’s Plea

Please sir, don’t turn me from your door,

     I’m hungry and I’m lone;

Once I was fat, and nicely groomed,

     But now I’m skin and bone.

Once I was petted all the day,

     And fondled o’er and o’er;

Please, sir, give me a drop of milk,

     Don’t kick me from your door.

“Meow, meow,” please sir don’t drive

     Me to the barren street,

Until at least you’ve given me

     A crust of bread to eat.

                                                   

Please, sir, I’ve lived around the block,

     In that big building gray;

The windows they are shuttered now,

     The folks have gone away.

I want to live till they come back,

     And have my home again;

But I will look so bad, I fear,

     They will not want me then.

“Meow, meow,” please, sir. don’t turn

     Me harshly from your door;

Please help me to exist until

     My friends return once more.

______

A Musical Discord

“Piano playing and singing after 10 o’clock at night is disorderly conduct, as much as cursing, or swearing,” declares Judge Kimball of Washington, D.C., the city of early hours and late sessions. Judge Kimball may not be aware of the fact, but his oratory has stirred up a hornet’s nest. This is not so surprising, either, when you take into consideration hornets and all kinds of bees are musically inclined. Hornets are wonderfully skilled on Bee-flat horns. But to return to the subject, How about the young folks who are having a party; must all merriment cease at exactly 10 o’clock? How about the young lady, whose chief charm is her melodious voice, entertaining the young man in the parlor, vocally and instrumentally? How about the young father walking the floor and trying to sing his son and heir, or daughter and heiress, as the case may be, to peaceful slumber? Are all these people to be cut off from their joys and privileges?

Judge Kimball speaks of piano playing and singing. Has he never heard the 10 o’clock to midnight phonograph? He says nothing about the musically inclined cat on the back fence, or the ugly honk of the auto horn upon the midnight air. Are the vocalists and pianists to be lidded at 10 o’clock every night while a thousand other nuisances go unpunished? What about the big electric car that goes thundering past our sleeping room windows pretty much all night? Won’t they also have to be put to bed at 10 o’clock? How about the milkman who begins operations very soon after the late-homers retire? We might go one naming sleep breaking elements that would fill a five-foot library, but will wait until those already mentioned are disposed of. If a step should be taken toward a quieter and saner evening it looks at this writing as though it might become a marathon a little later on. If the man in the suburbs desires to retire at an early hour to a noiseless couch, how about the one who sleeps close to a theatre, concert or dance hall? He has equal rights with the other fellow. To sum it all up, we suspect that the worthy judge desires the rest of us to suffer because the musical education of some of his near neighbors has apparently been neglected.

______

Flee the Fly

We do not care about the flea

     That once flew upon the flue;

If he has flown, it seems to be,

     The fleetest thing to do.

The pesky fly is flying round,

     Worse than the fleas is he;

The flea has flown, but we’ll be bound,

     We wish the fly would flee.

______

Sore Out West

One hundred and fifty girls kissed the mayor of Boston before he could be rescued by his friends. Think of being kissed by 150 Boston girls! B – r – r ! – Cleveland Leader.

O, well, now, look here, you might do a lot worse. We’ve been round here 20 years ande know what we’re talking about.

______

But Money Isn’t Everything

“Do you think he is worth as much as he says he is?

“When he is speaking of money matters, yes.”

______

Saving a Stampede

Hank Stubbs – You ‘low thet artist feller to go all over your farm an’ paint your critters?

Bige Miller – Yep; I don’t keer what he does long’s he don’t show ‘em the picters.

______

Strenuous Fly Time

First Fly – This is perfectly killing!

Second Fly – I don’t see any fun dodging from pillar to post, with a reward for our capture hanging over our heads,

First Fly – But if we escape we’ll be freaks in a dime museum next year.

______

Explaining to Oliver

My sense of sight is very keen,

        My sense of hearing weak;

One time I saw a mountain pass,

        But could not hear its peak.

                                     – Oliver Herford.

Why, Ollie, that you failed in this

        Is not so very queer;

To hear its peak you should, you know,

        Have had a mountaineer.

                                   – Boston Transcript.

But if I saw a mountain pass,

        My eye I’d never drop;

I’d keep it turned upon the height,

        And see the mountain top.

                     – Philadelphia Public Ledger.

I didn’t see the mountain pass,

        Nor hear it speak, by George,

But when it comes to storing stuff,

        I saw the mountain gorge!

______

Farm Note

John D. Rockefeller was born 70 years ago on a little farm near Richford, Tioga county, N.Y. Farming doesn’t always pay, but it most always pays to be born on a farm.

____________

July 10, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Since She Has Gone Away

I thought I’d do a lot of work

     If she would go away;

I’d toil and slave just like a Turk

     If she would go away.

I thought the rest would do her good,

To breathe the pure and wholesome wood;

Then take a rest I surely could,

     If she would go away.

I thought I’d have a peaceful smoke,

     If she would go away;

My chums would come and laugh and joke,

     If she would go away.

I’d slip into a summer play,

I’d take a moonlight down the bay

Or linger in some swell café,

     If she would go away.

At first, perhaps, ‘twas well enough,

     When she had gone away;

Two days or so I kept the bluff,

     When she was far away.

I tried to think I didn’t care;

My chums said, “Ah, how debonair!”

But all the time I missed her there,

     Soon as she’d gone away.

And now the house is like a cell,

     Since she has gone away;

I do most everything but yell,

     Since she has gone away.

I wouldn’t write her I’m amiss

And spoil her sweet vacation bliss,

But somehow–hope–she may–see this–

     And shorten up her stay.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Ez a rule people ain’t ha’f so sad nur ha’f so happy ez they appear to be on the surface.”

______

Getting on in Life

(Hand-made Letters from a City-made Son to His Home-made Father)

Dear Dad: Your kind invitation for Gladinette, my betrothed, and myself to spend our vacations, or our absence from business, on the old farm, duly received and considered. The result of the conference is, “favorable.” She is wild with anticipation and can hardly wait for the day to come. It will be a great day for the town, too, dad; it has never produced anything like Gladinette. She has never seen a real farm, and I expect there’s some real sport coming for the quiet observer. You say in your letter that you have put off haying till we come in order to get the farm fixed up so it will look presentable. Now that may be diplomatic on your part, dad, but it spells “stung” for me. I would rather see the farm look its old, natural self than have you postpone so important a thing as haying. “There’s danger in delay,” you used to tell me when I put anything off. You also said to make hay while the sun shines. The sun is shining beautifully now, but an eclipse is likely to set in most any time after this week. You used to tell me also never to put off anything till next week that could be done this week, and here you postpone your most important agricultural event nearly two weeks! On my word, dad, you’re a wizard.

Things are pretty quiet in town now. Half the people are on vacations, and the other half are thinking about the half that’s away. Isn’t that awful? The best way would be for everybody to go at once and leave the city in charge of a caretaker. A half dead city is worse than a wholly dead country town. Will let you know the day we start. My appetite, if anything, is more normal than it used to be. A word to the wise is plenty. Have the old auto shod and curried off nicely, and wash the chariot before you leave for the station. I want Gladinette to be impressed by our impressiveness. Yours till then, dad.

______

The Business Bee

The honey bee is very small,

          And doesn’t make much showing;

But leave it to him, one and all,

          To keep his end a-going.

______

The Joy Bringer

“Do you think money brings happiness?”

“I know that happiness brings money.”

“How so?”

“You ought to see the way John feels every pay night.”

______

A Fleeting Joy

“The summer girl is a myth.”

“Not until the season’s over.”

______

Cheerful Comment

Riches have wings, and they outspeed the wildest dream of the joy rider.

Some men don’t make hay while the sun shines, but make money at making parasols and sun umbrellas.

The cheapest man we ever saw was one who wound a clock every night for five years and then found out it was an eight-day ticker.

G. Bernard Shaw fooled the play censor in London with his new drama, “Press Cuttings,” and the laugh is on the censor. A few like George are needed in Boston.

Several natives have been killed by man-eating lions on the Fort Hall road, British East Africa, lately. Former President Roosevelt and party are only 50 miles away. Here’s hoping the man-eating lions don’t change their diet.

______

True Sport

I shot a bird upon a tree

E’en while it sweetly sang to me,

And climbing high, with hinter’s zest,

I took the young ones, and the nest.

Then on the placid river’s brink

I shot a peaceful deer at drink

And ducks, while basking in the sun,

Fell victims to ready gun.

Homeward my ardent pace I set,

And in my bosom no regret.

I blest the glad, victorious day,

Also my trusty camera.

____________

July 11, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Trolley Folly

(Handed in by the Office Boy, who thought it might be built into a song)

I.

A maiden fair tripped down the street

     All on a summer day;

It seemed like fate that we should meet,

     I unto her did say:

“You don’t know me, I don’t know you,

     But you look good to me;

If you hast nothing else to do,

     Let’s trolley to the sea.”

Chorus.

            So we boarded the trolley,

            Both feeling quite jolly,

And trolleyed together down by the sad sea;

            I bought a frankfurter –

            She said it might hurt her –

I didn’t know her and she didn’t know me.

II.

At last I asked her what’s her name;

     She blushed and hung her head,

But soon she told me it was “Mayme,”

     I told her mine was “Ted.”

She said, “Alas! we must depart,

     And bid a fond adieu.”

I pressed my hand upon my heart,

     And said, “Alas, ‘tis true!”

Chorus.

            So we boarded the trolley;

            I felt melancholy

To think I must leave her down by the sad sea,

            I haven’t since met her,

            But I can’t forget her –

I wonder if ever she thinketh of me?

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Time an’ tide waits fur no man, but he’s goin’ to tackle ‘em jest ez soon ez he gits threw with the flyin’ machine.”

______

Cheerful Comment

Champlain and Ticonderoga were well poeted.

Have you begun to can? You can now if you can get the cans and the stuff to can.

If Weston walks back, no doubt he’ll be willing to accept an auto lift occasionally.

If we’re going to have noises, let’s have musical ones, like banging the liar, for instance.

Joaquin Miller, the poet, offering free house lots to brother poets? How can he be a poet and have house lots?

People are complaining that watermelons this year are not up to standard; in other words, they are not like father used to raise.

The British freighter Potomac came into port last week with 600 hogsheads of Cuban rum. What a golden opportunity for stowaways!

Now that “Rosebud,” the presidential heifer, has her original milker back again, no doubt she’ll give down more gracefully and in greater quantities than at any time since she became a Beverlian.

______

Street Primer

Here comes a straw Hat.

See it Roll! It is as good as a Whoop. It is headed straight for the Puddle. It will go into the Puddle if it Can. Now it is in the Puddle up to the Hub. But it doesn’t want to Stop. It has rolled through the Puddle and is keeping on down the street. The straw Hat belongs to a Man. He is only 20 feet behind it, but 20 feet is a Long distance when the wind is Blowing. It doesn’t look like a straw Hat now, but the Man wants it for Spite.

See it go along the Car tracks! A boy stepped on it, but Missed it Otherwise. Now it has gone around the Corner. Let’s hurry and watch it. The Man is Mad. He dislikes doing a marathon, besides some cruel People are laughing at him. The car Hit it, but shied off and got a Fresh start. Several boys and a Dog are after it now,

O, there comes an Automobile! Will the Hat turn out for the Automobile? No; the Hat is Brave, and will turn out for Nothing. The Automobile has Stopped the Hat. It looks like a Flatfish now. Come away, Little One; don’t listen to what the Man is Saying. Wasn’t the Hat silly to run away from the Man? Not only has it lost its Home, but also its Shape.

(P.S. It’s a bad idea to run away from Home; the Swim you get into is Muddy, and sooner or later the Stone Crusher will make you look like a Flatfish).

______

Got a Good Start

Beacon – Everything he touches turns to money.

Hill – Well, he began that way.

Beacon – What do you mean?

Hill – Touching his friends.

______

All Fixed Up

Sammy – I’m in business.

Freddie – Huh!

Sammy – Well, I am; I’m in business with my sister’s beau.

Freddie – Bet you don’t get nothing out of it.

Sammy – Bet I do; I get 10 cents a week for bein’ a silent partner.

____________

July 12, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Fish Hash

There was a commotion

     Down under the sea;

The dog and the catfish

     Were scrappy’s could be.

The dog barked with fury,

     The cat scratched and spat,

Then climbed a sunk masthead

     He couldn’t get at.

Two swordfish they dueled,

     Two skates became jagged;

A horn-pout blew loudly,

     And had to be gagged.

A school of wild porpoise

     Got into a gale,

To which was soon added

     A shark and a whale.

The shark was whaled badly

     And run down the pike;

The hake grabbed the scul-pin

     And made a wild strike.

The frightened sea robin

     Let out a loud squeal

“I think,” croaked the toadfish,

     “This ain’t a squared eel.”

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“They’s no need fur anyone’s borryin’ trouble; jest let ‘em borry a little money an’ the trouble will take keer uv itself.”

______

Pavement Philosophy

A man courts danger when the girl’s father objects.

Peaches in their various forms are always welcome.

The man condemned to be hung doesn’t get the best end of the rope.

It’s never too late to mend, but it’s always too early to rip and tear.

The world loves a lover, but as a rule it thinks a little more of the girl.

The men who hunted in Africa ahead of bold Bwana Tumbo were very lucky to have hunted ahead of him.

The average man in a crowd can’t see what a pretty girl sees in the homely man who is with her.

No doubt he knows enough to go in when it rains, but perhaps he is taking the Kneippe cure upside down.

Just because a chauffeur has always hit dogs and hens is no sign that he couldn’t pick up a person if he tried hard enough.

Troubles never come singly; you flash a $10 bill to pay for a cigar, and ten chances to one the last man you borrowed a five from is coming up behind you.

______

Double Trouble

Cousin Jonathan Edward Bull has had trouble enough, heaven knows, with his optical illusions, seeing things at night, expecting that every distant soaring bird might develop into a German airship, and that every frankfurter along the streets might unfold itself into a German soldier; but if he has had his troubles, so is his nephew William having his. It isn’t the possible roar of battle that is bothering Emperor William, but the impossible roar of infant subjects that fills him with alarm, for of the reports of his statisticians are true, race suicide is invading the fatherland in large armies. So, if King Edward can put off the bugaboo invasion long enough, the Kaiser’s standing army may be reduced to so small a number that it could be successfully put to rout by one charge of the bull.

______

Keeping Him from Crime

“Is stealing a kiss a crime?” I asked,

     Of the modest maid and shy;

“If it is I fear that I will be

     A criminal till I die.”

“I suppose it is,” she made reply,

     “’Twere better you did not steal”;

And, pursing her lips, she added, “I

     A criminal can’t conceal.”

____________

July 13, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Your Gait

Don’t go such a fearful rate,

Take a slow an’ stiddy gait;

Don’t you think you’d better heed

Common sense, an’ check your speed?

Rome warn’t fashioned in a day;

Hurry jobs don’t never stay.

Take a gait that’s safe an’ sane,

Then keep pushin’ on the rein.

Better make it slow an’ sure

Ef you want it to endure;

Lots uv things kin hap, indeed,

When you try to overspeed.

You might git there quicker, and

Then ag’in, you mightn’t land.

There’s a gait that’s safe an’ sane;

Take it, then push on the rein.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“When you come to the cross-roads uv right an’ wrong, do the balky hoss act till you know fur dead sure which road is the right one.”

______

Jellying at Winthrop

Millions of jellyfish have been cast up by the sea along the Winthrop beaches. This avalanche of jellyfish is very opportune, as many of the women along the shore are busy at this time with their canning and preserving.

______

Cheerful Comment

Remember, the faster you go the harder the bump – if anything happens.

The automobile has this on the bicycle; there is more pleasure in learning to ride it.

The galaxy of whales seen off of Nantucket on Monday was merely a summer school on its way to a lecture.

Don’t you wish sometimes that the person who continually says it is his “off day” were a long way so?

The finding of yellow metal in Los Angeles drinking water has started a number of people for that city for the purpose of taking the gold cure.

Good Dr. Osler, who said man ought to be chloroformed at 60, has just reached that tender age, and is still stalking the green earth. The doctor has either had a change of heart, or else he lives on the plan of “what’s good for me is bad for you, etc.”

______

Fly Fame

It seems a very simple thing

     To kill the little flies,

You are so big, and they so small,

     And you so very wise.

You chase one with a spatter round

     The room most everywhere;

You bring it forward with a “slap,”

     Alas! He isn’t there.

The little fly is very fly,

     He dodges well your blow;

He leads you on a merry chase,

     And thinks you pretty slow.

And fame and fortune are the same,

     Just like flies, I swear;

You make a swoop to scoop ‘em in –

     Alas! They are not there.

______

No Good to Shoe Them

The seedless apple is well enough,

     The noiseless gun’s all right;

A bill-less mosquito would make a hit

     Upon a summer’s night.

But I’ve a garden, and neighbors, too,

     Who’ve hens a goodly batch;

God grant some day one’ll invent

     A hen that will not scratch.

______

Some Fly Advice

Don’t have flies.

But if you must have them have them few and far between.

Keep them well on the run, or rather on the fly. Don’t give them any rest. Let them know they are undesirable tenants.

Shoo them; not with a pair of Cinderellas, but with the mop, or broom or coal scuttle, if nothing better presents itself.

They may jeer at you, and tell you to take someone or something of your own size, but don’t scorn little things; swat ‘em instead.

The fly is a nuisance, a pestilence, a vulture, a ragamuffin, a disease spreader and an all round moral and physical annihilator.

His crimes are many, his virtues none. He hasn’t a friend in the world. No woman’s club has ever taken him up, and no orator has ever risen to defend him.

There is an excuse for the toad, the bumblebee and the polecat; yea, even the rat and the bat have half a leg to stand on, but the fly, the useless, annoying, despicable, health-imperiling fly, has got to go. His days are numbered, but just how high the numbers run is still a matter of speculation.

______

A Square Deal

Tourist – How much does it cost to see the whole of Niagara?

Guide – Show you the whole thing for $12.

Tourist – Give you $6, and not a durn cent more.

Guide – How’s that?

Tourist – I’ve only got one good eye.

______

Psalm of Flight

“Let us be up and flying,”

          Said young Orville to Will Wright;

“Else the public will be thinking

          That our ‘plane ain’t out of sight.”

____________

July 14, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“The best an’ safest way to juggle with whiskey is to keep it in the jug.”

______

Pavement Philosophy

It takes a good-natured man to go through a crowd.

It’s well enough to believe in signs, but not all of them.

If you can take it or let it alone, why disturb it?

Business is business, and it is your business to see that it is made a good business.

Life is a heavy burden at best, but some men carry burdens that would be better left behind.

Every man isn’t a suspicious character; if he were would you stand in the eyes of the multitude?

The timber you pull from under somebody else is mighty poor material to build your own career on.

Talk may be cheap, but it seems to take about a certain amount of it every day to keep the old world going.

______

Expensive Filling

An English woman, who was expatiating upon the extravagance of the American people, asked the wife of an American tourist, whom she chanced to sit near, if it was true, as she had heard, that the American ladies had their teeth filled with diamonds. “I believe that is true,” answered the ready daughter of Uncle Sam, “that is, when they cannot find anything more expensive.”

______

Alas! Too True

The poet who forever sings about the endless smile, advising every one who reads to wear it all the while, in confidence I’ll whisper you, nine minutes out of ten, has got a countenance ‘twould freeze the ink upon his pen.

______

We’ve All Met Him

In these days when we’re perspiring,

          And we feel like liquid glue,

Comes along this man inquiring:

          “Is it hot enough for you?”

Can you blame us for desiring

          To consign him to the spot

where no answer they’re requiring,

          There’s no answer that it’s hot?

Or to wish he may be staying

          When he gets the final call

Where it goes without saying,

          For it’s hot enough for all?

The Old Nick while at him peering,

          With a chunk of ice in view,

Asks the question, scoffing, jeering:

          “Is it hot enough for you?”

Dorchester                               H.E.F.

______

Even the Hens Watch ‘Em

Hank Stubbs – Hens layin’ much now, Bige?

Bige Miller – Skurce any.

Hank Stubbs – What’s the trouble?

Bige Miller – Don’t hev tim fur dodgin’ them pesky autymobiles.

____________

July 15, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Raking Behind the Cart

O, many, many years ago,

     Before the city’s charm

Spread over hill and golden vale,

     And called me from the farm,

I used to go, a barefoot boy,

     With light and gladsome heart,

Out in the hayfield with the men,

     And rake behind the cart.

‘Twas but a humble, simple task,

     Scorned by the most of men;

And I would wish that I could load,

     Or do the pitching then.

But father said, and father knew,

     ‘Twas an important part;

“The hay is just as good, my son,

     That lies behind the cart.”

And so I raked and heaped it up

     Out in the summer’s sun,

Proud of the little I had piled

     When my day’s work was done.

I saw a well-cleaned field behind,

     In which I’d played a part,

A well-filled barn ahead, helped by

     The rakings from the cart.

In later life I plainly saw

     The lesson of the hay;

It is the scatterings we save

     That help us on our way.

Out in the wider fields of life

     Scorn not the humbler part;

But see the field is garnered clean,

     And rake behind the cart.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Ef good luck don’t foller you it may be becuz your gait is a little too swift fur it.”

______

Street Primer

Here comes the East Wind!

Don’t look at it too Hard, Little One, or you may scare it away. Stand just a little to one side and give it a Show. If you block it, it may become Irritable and not want to Play any more. The East Wind is nice to have when you want it, but when you Don’t want it, it is like the Tooth ache, Not nice. The East Wind has a Hard name in some Quarters. In some other quarters its name is spoken very Softly, scarcely above a Whisper. There are Reasons for both; to some the East Wind means money. To others it means business Depression.

Some people say they can’t live With the East Wind, and some say they can’t live Without it. In this respect the East Wind is like some People; they can’t live with each other or without each other. It must be Awful to live in such a state; worse than living in Rhode Island.

There! The East Wind has got here, and I must run down and get the Furnace ready to Light. When the East Wind comes it always means business – not for the Soda man, however, but for the men who have Wood and Coal and Gas to sell. Yes, take your Pansy box, Little One, the East Wind may bring a Frost tonight.

(P.S. – When two Extremes meet you can usually look for a display of Fireworks, but the East Wind and Boiling Heat never meet in Boston. It’s always oneor the other, which Means, if you don’t Travel with a cake of Ice on one arm and an Overcoat on the other, you are likely to be Caught on the Crossing.)

______

Released

Work while you work,

    And play while you play;

But play while you work

    And it’s a “good day.”

______

Cheerful Comment

It’s too bad to wet a pretty bathing suit, anyway.

“Easy come, easy go,” has nothing to do with flying machines.

There are January thaws, and some pretty much all the year round.

When you don’t know which way to turn, take the straight course, but watch your compass.

Now is the time to do your Christmas saving.” – Detroit Free Press. Aye, and shopping, brother.

Of course you have noticed that it takes more talk to run a “no-fight” than a real one.

You won’t find many people kicking over the increased cost of heavy clothing weather like this; it isn’t good kicking weather.

______

Two Charges Against It

“What’s the matter, my little man?” asked the kindly disposed person of a little boy who was crying by the roadside.

“I – I don’t want ev’ry day to be Sunday by and by,” sobbed the boy.

“Did somebody tell you every day would be Sunday by and by?”

“Y – y – yes, sir.”

“Well, why should you object to that?”

“C – cuz I couldn’t play b – ball nor go f – fishin’!” yelled the boy, bursting out afresh.

______

Worth Trying

Perhaps you cannot always sing,

      Or cannot always throw a smile;

But you can always do one thing:

      And that’s be decent all the while.

______

I. O. U.

Beacon – Botolph is a promising young writer.

Hill – So you’ve been stung, too, eh?

______

Hat Band Philosophy

The trouble with some people is,

      An' we could name a score,

They paste things in their hats, an’ then

      Don’t wear their hats no more.

____________

July 16, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Da Feeshaman

Da feeshaman he come for shave an’ taka chair weeth me

Baycause I leesen for hees talk of feesh he catch, maybee;

He tal me stora ev’ra time so beeg eet mak’ me weesh

I could leave barber shop for week an’ go weeth him for feesh.

Each day he tal one beega yarn of feesh w’at break hees pole,

Or pull heem from da place he seet into da feeshin’ hole;

He say som’time da feesh so beeg eet tow hees boat all roun’

Da lak onteel he play heem so bimeby he mak’ him drown.

Bygosh! I like for feesh lak’ dat, eet must be great excite’

For gat hol’ feesh w’at pull you een da water w’en he bite!

I like for hear heem tal hees yarns, an’ smoke beega brier;

But justa sam’, weeth you an’ me, I theenk he eesa liar!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Bizniz won’t hunt fur you behind the door, but ef you are ready it will meet you ha’f way ev’ry time.”

______

Tricky Appearances

“Women and newspapers should never be judged by their wrappers,” says the Chicago News.

Neither should towns be judged by their knockers. – Washington Herald.

Not golf players by their sticks. – Plain Dealer.

Nor humorists by the jokes handed in by their friends.

______

Press Humorists’ Convention

The father of this string has been served notice by the American Press Humorists’ Association, of which he is a member, that said association wishes to convene either in Atlantic City, Asbury Park or Buffalo, second week in September. Choice left to members. Buffalo for his, fellows. Confidentially, it will probably be the only chance he will ever have of seeing the brook up north of the city; therefore, he puts in a bid for Buffalo. As it stands now, we don’t know where we’re going, boys, but we’re on our way! It will be Boston in 1915, or sooner, if we can get hold of a string of pullable size.

______

Yet to Come

Cheer up, my friends, we’ll have a change,

     Of weather by and by;

‘Twon’t always be like it is now,

     So awful hot and dry.

You say you’d welcome any change,

     This dry heat makes you dumb?

O well, cheer up, you know we have

     The dog days yet to come.

The July sun, so blinding hot,

     Won’t scorch so by and by;

There’ll be a low-hung bank of haze

     Across the summer sky.

The change desired, without a doubt,

     Will benefit you some;

Cheer up and brace yourself to meet

     The dog days yet to come!

______

Cheerful Comment

Nothing but consummation meets the ultimate consumer, anyway.

A little, three-cornered “missing” notoriety – Castro, Crazy Snake and the Shah of Persia.

A half a loaf is better than none, but a whole loaf, of two weeks’ duration, is simply great.

The man who works all week and tries to get a Sunday tan on is taking a near-vacation.

The news that a California woman stood off a vicious lion with a hatpin should immediately be cabled to Africa.

The canteloupes in the restaurants look good, but they are so thundering high we haven’t dared tackle one yet.

Castro wants a little piece of his native Venezuela on which to die. His friends there are willing he should have the land, only they want he should die first.

______

Another Joke Sidetracked

Hiram – Jest listen to this joke, ma: Henry writes me that the clock fact’ry he’s in is workin’ overtime. Haw, haw, haw! But thet’s purty good, ma!

Mrs. Hiram – Waal, Hiram, I don’t see no joke about a clock fact’ry workin’ extry hours sech weather ez this.

______

Not Available

Hank Stubbs – We don’t git the hay crops we us’ter git.

Bige Miller – No; I s’pose it’s becuz they’ve all b’en et up.

______

Hot Weather Decision

I’d like to be a shining star,

          Above the stage’s crown;

But when it comes to “working up,”

          I guess that I’ll stay down.

____________

July 17, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

______

Her Guardian

Last night I heard her pit-a-pat

     Across the darkened hall,

And stop before my chamber door

     And give a frightened call.

“Papa, I had an awful dream,

     May I crawl in your bed?

You won’t let Boogeymans get me,

     Will you, papa?” she said.

She snuggled then so close and tight

     I scarce could breathe the while;

And soon she wandered off to sleep,

     Upon her lips a smile.

The “Boogeyman” was scared away,

     Two brawny arms were there

To keep the world and all away

     From one so young and fair.

And then I asked the Only One

     To always watchful be,

To walk with her upon the waves

     Of life’s great mystic sea.

To guard her from the “Boogeyman”

     By night as well as day;

To guide her weak and wand’ring steps

     Wherever they may stray.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Lots uv men who claim to be open an’ above board are so on’y threw fear uv gittin’ their jackets wet.”

______

Getting on in Life

(Hand-made Letters from a City-made Son to His Home-made Father.)

Dear Dad: Perhaps when you get this I shall be en route (pronounced “ong root”; from the French, “on the fly”). That is, I think it’s from the French root, anyway, but as most roots are too deep for me I don’t go after them much. I said, “I” shall be en route; I beg your pardon, I should have said, “WE” will be en route, for, as I told you before, Gladinette is to accompany me, thanks to your kind invitation. Gladys asked me who was to chaperon us while on the farm, and I replied: “I guess you have never seen my father.” With that she appeared satisfied. Now, dad, we don’t want any brass bands to meet us, or anything like that, nor do we want business suspended in the old town – they have little enough, anyway – but if you will kind of drop word here and there that you are looking for me on the 4 o’clock with a friend it might set a few elastic necks in motion, and thus convey the idea to Gladinette that the town I was born in isn’t totally impervious to my going and coming; perceive?

I tried my best to get my room-mate to come along, also, to act as sort of guide and porter during our stay, and while he is pretty good on foot as a rule he wouldn’t stand for anything like that. “Besides,” said he, “I like butter, and all that, but I’m no butter-in on an expedition of this kind. A third rail,” said he, “on a little love-trolley track, just wide enough for two? Not unless I am afflicted with dementia bughousia, and I don’t think I am at this session.”

So, dad, I am to write him every day or two how Gladinette and I are faring on the farm. If she does and says the things most people do who have never seen real rustic rurality I ought to be able to give him something of interest before the vacation is over. Gladys is clever; extremely clever, dad, but innocent of the ways of the world; much less the ways of the farm. Until the 4 o’clock local pulls into the Oakville deepo, au revoir! (The latter is some more French off the same root, but it’s too hot to dig for any unnecessaries.) Affectionately,            ------

______

Two Circles

A smile is like a pebble

     Dropped in the waters clear;

It spreads o’er all the surface

     A circle of good cheer.

A scowl is like a cloudburst

     Upon a sunlit day;

It drenches joy, and widens

     A circle of dismay.

______

To the Wrights

If you don’t at first ascend, fly, fly again.

An aeroplane that can fly and won’t fly ought to be made to fly.

They shall mount up as eagles, but at the same time they should take along a parachute, or certainly a sofa pillow to land on.

______

Pavement Philosophy

The world has nothing to fear from a true sport.

What a lot of good time some people waste on their “busy” days.

A zigzag course takes longer, besides it doesn’t look so well.

Next thing to a foot bath for aching feet is having your shoes polished.

People who bet on the dark horse, and lose, of course keep it shady as long as possible.

There’s room enough at the top, but the fellows up there don’t like to hitch over.

It remains to be seen whether the wireless will be adopted by the coming politicians.

The man who has an awning over his sidewalk is more blessed than he who builds a great city.

Sometimes it is the people who tell you they don’t take stock in anything who make the poorest investments.

____________

July 18, ‘09

Unappreciative

“Henry, listen to this: ‘The widow of a Kansas man sang a solo at his funeral.’ Would you like me to sing at your funeral, dear?”

“Well, if it were necessary that I should hear you sing, dear, I rather it would be at my funeral.”

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Village Bell

He was a high-strung city chap

     On his vacation bent;

And to a quiet country town

     He packed his grip and went.

He longed for quiet, peace and rest,

     Of which he’d heard them tell;

He longed to hear the slumb’rous stream,

     The soothing village bell.

He wandered in the shady groves,

     Along the murm’ring stream;

Alas! One day he saw a face,

     A blushing, rustic dream.

He heard her joyous, rippling tones,

     He saw her eyes as well;

No more he saw the shady grove,

     Or heard the village bell.

By day, by night he courted her

     With speed ne’er seen before;

The peace and rest he sought to find

     Appealed to him no more.

Alas! the day too quickly came

     When he must say farewell;

He left the woods and stream behind,

     But took the village belle.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Ef you feel like a cat in a strange garret it is probably becus you hev no bizniz to be where you be.”

______

Cheerful Comment

A lot of talk sometimes leads up to a fight, but not by pugilists.

The man continually bragging of his “pay as he goes” virtue usually travels a good deal afoot.

The Wrights ought to take Glen H. Curtiss into partnership and have a real fly firm.

Life has to furnish about so many aches and pains, anyway; if it isn’t cucumbers it’s green apples.

No doubt that $525 cat can do as much execution on the back yard fence as any ear-slitted Tom ever heard from.

John D. is laying aside his cares, so says a headline. You will observe that before you can lay aside care it is necessary to lay aside something else.

______

Two of a Kind

“After all,” said the man who was good at sizing up, “people are pretty much alike the world over.”

“What now?” asked the man who was never good at guessing.

“Well, everybody buys more or less truck, either for ornamental purposes of because they think it may come in handy sometime.”

“I don’t follow.”

“Well, Patterson over there growled a lot because his wife bought an irn stag for the front lawn. Said it might be nice to look at, but would never help ‘em get anywhere.”

“And –”

“And yesterday he went out bought one of those $7000 airships.”

______

A Psalm of Price

By a Consumer

(Contributed.)

Tell me not their last decision,

          Lower tariff, is a dream;

We shall have skim-milk revision,

          And the trust will get the cream.

Cash is real; we must earn it

          If we would have it to spend;

And the lesson, soon we learn it,

          We will have none in the end.

Not to have it is to borrow,

          Knowing we can never pay;

When you ask for it tomorrow

          Find us broke just like today.

Lives of statesmen oft remind us

          That we don’t get a square deal;

For as “myths” they have defined us,

          While they laugh at our appeal.

Must we wait, then, for another

          Congress of some other date,

Which will not our wishes smother,

          But give us a better rate?

Let us then sit up – take notice;

          Make our congressman take heed;

Write him you know where a voice is

          Which next year he’ll surely need.

Dorchester                                 H. E. F.

______

Going Nature One Better

“Don’t you just love to come out here and get close to nature?” murmured the summer girl, taking the most remote seat on the plaza.

“Pretty well, but there are some things out here that have got nature beaten beyond recognition,” said the young man in white ducks, placing a second chair tight against the first one.

______

Summer Resort Costumes

Sometimes you may mistaken be,

          No matter if you think you’re cute;

The clerk on ten or less per week

May sport a white wool, so to speak,

          The millionaire a baggy business suit.

______

New Thought in Farming

The farmers in each county seat

       Are wise and thrifty hoarders;

They’ve gone from raising corn and wheat

       To raising summer boarders.

____________

July 19, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Physical Culture Girl

I dread the physical culture girl,

     For reasons far more than one;

She knows too much of science, I fear,

     And things that shouldn’t be done.

“Early to bed and early to rise,”

     Is one of her watchwords true;

She won’t sit up late, nor keep a date,

     As some other girls will do.

She won’t let me kiss her, worst of all,

     Kisses are microbus, says she;

She won’t hold hands, “it wrinkles them so,”

     She really said that to me.

She isn’t the ruby of olden times,

     Although she may be a pearl;

If I want some fun I really must shun

     The physical culture girl.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Fellers who do all their travellin’ in airships won’t hev much uv an oppertunerty fur leavin’ footprints on the sands uv time.”

______

Quick Returns

A neighbor killed his Thomas cat,

     For reasons all his own;

Then he was sorry for his deed,

     He felt so sad and lone.

Next week he advertised for one,

     And e’er he got replies

The old cat turned up home again –

     It pays to advertise!

______

Cheerful Comment

The east wind rose to the occasion.

Anyway, the Red Sox are pretty good climbers.

O deaR, AnotheR month and a half befoRe oysteRs aRe good.

Dr. Eliot to be boomed for governor? It will be five-foot politics next.

Bathing is just as popular as ever; the shrinkage is in the suits.

Joe Leiter doesn’t appear to be much of a cornerer. He failed in wheat, and now has slipped up in trying to corner the conveniences of a Pullman car while travelling.

An ordinance to silent the street hawkers has been drawn in Chicago. If this thing spreads how are we ever to discover any more Carusos?

If that Italian clock, warranted to run 100 years without winding, becomes popular, what will the average fond father have to fall back on when he desires to give his daughter’s beau a hint that it is time to make his escape?

______

Somebody’s Finish

“But, I say,” yelled the “champeen of the peepul,” “where does the ultimate consumer come in?”

“At the finish,” said the man with the carpet bag, “and mark my words, it will be his’n, all right.”

______

Not Yet, But Soon

“How did Sprawleigh get such a tumble?”

“He crawled under his airship to do some repairing and lost hold with his teeth.”

______

Well Done

If a thing is worth doing,

     It’s worth doing well;

So all of the great poets

     And philosophers tell.

Now just jig up your mem’ry,

     And upon the past dwell;

Whenever you’ve been done, sir,

     Haven’t you been done well?

____________

July 20, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Sidetracked

“Great thoughts are thunk

     Great deeds are done

By common folks,”

     Said Hiram Gunn.

“I reckon now

     If truth wuz known

I’ve got some big

     Ones of my own.”

“I’ve done some big things

     Too, I’ll be bound;

But it hez failed

     To git around.

No matter what

     I do or say

It always goes

     The same ol’ way.”

“I git no fame

     Fur thought or deed;

My biggest works

     Jest go to seed.

The biggest thoughts

     I think, I swun,

Die uv ol’ age,”

     Said Hiram Gunn.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“No man is ez good ez what he thinks he is, or ez bad ez his enermy says he is.”

______

The Funniest Thing

What is the funniest thing you ever saw? Jocosity would like to know. It being so close to the vacation season he hasn’t anything like a cash prize about him to offer for the best answer, but he could easily arrange for a “department of immortals,” or something of that sort, which by many would be valued more highly than a cash prize. So, here is a chance to win literary fame and with it first place in the “Jocosity Column of Immortals.” (N. B. – There is no $10 to $50 string attached to this immortal scheme.) Please write on one side of the paper only, and describe the funniest thing you ever saw in less than 100 words, if possible. If you have difficulty in condensing your story to 100 words a lemon squeezer is recommended for the purpose. Here is one (not a squeezer) sent in as a sample of what one reader thinks is extremely funny:

“The funniest thing I ever saw was a suburban friend of mine sitting on a camp stool, holding a cigar in one hand and trying to hoe his garden with a discarded safety razor with the other.”

     Next!

______

Fishing Etiquette

The first consideration is bait; it is also the last.

Take plenty of flies; mosquitoes, gnats, etc. can be found on the ground.

Even the fish have become wearied of hearing that frazzled phrase, “line’s busy!”

It is no longer fashionable to say, “the biggest fish got away”; say “he struck out.”

Always bear in mind that scales won’t lie, but what have scales to do with fisherman?

It is no longer considered the thing to fish on rainy days; a man wet without and wet within will soon become waterlogged.

The friend who can row a boat well, and who likes to do it, is the one most desirable to invite to your camp for a week’s fishing.

For ladies who love to fish, the following rules of dress may be observed: If going after blackfish, wear black; bluefish, wear blue; whitefish, wear white. If lobstering, wear bathing suit, any color.

______

Dodging Care

John D. is laying aside his cares,

     So greatly does he mind them;

Although we’ve got a few our own,

     We wish that he could find them.

______

Gardening at Viewcrest

“Speaking of the dig-dig,” said the suburbanite to his neighbor who had settled himself comfortably on the porch, “reminds me that I haven’t hoed out my garden since the Fourth of July. If you will kindly excuse me for about five minutes I’ll do it now while I think of it. You see, if I should let it go now I probably wouldn’t get at it before Labor day.” “Really, old fellow, gardening is quite a task, isn’t it?”

____________

July 21, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Office Boy’s Plight

There ain’t much show for chaps like me

To have a steady sweetheart, gee!

I only gets eight dollars per,

An’ what’s dey left to spend on her?

It costs me five for board an’ wash,

An’ carfares put de grand kibosh

On sixty cents; an’ den I blows

A half on movin’ picture shows.

I’d like to take her for a stroll

Each evenin’ if I had de roll;

But ice cream sodes at ten cents per –

Gee! W’at’s dey left to spend on her?

It ain’t no sport I wants to be,

Plain citizen’s enough for me;

But to go out each night wid her –

Can’t do it on eight dollars per!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Ef the harp is to be the heavenly instrument, I don’t see why they ain’t more folks a-l’arnin’ to play it ‘stid uv wastin’ their time on fiddles an’ pianers.”

______

“The Funniest Thing”

Dear Jocassidy – In answer to your appeal for the “Funniest thing I ever saw,” I relate the following:

A chauffeur was coming down the Newton boulevard at full speed. An old lady with a cane was making her way slowly across the thoroughfare, and when half-way over seemed dazed and uncertain which way to proceed. The chauffeur had plenty of time to strike her and keep on his way. But did he? No! He came to a full stop, and lifting his cap, said politely: “After you, my good woman.”                          ROLLO

Beacon street.

______

Pretty Hard Lines

“You know the worm will turn –”

“Yes, but with a hook inside of him and a fish soon to be outside of him, what kind of show does he get?”

______

Cheerful Comment

Melons were watered with mighty poor stock this year.

The pen is mightier than the hippo rifle after all.

Sometimes it is pretty slow work getting over a quick lunch.

After all, life may hold out something for you; you may be exempt from the income tax.

The main trouble is, that when a tourist tries to go through a country, the country sees him first, and proceeds to go through the tourist.

The African lions have turned tail, but not in the usual sense. Five of them chased a member of the Roosevelt party into camp and retired unharmed. The Capting, O where was HE?

______

The Vacationist’s Lament

[Contributed.]

Last night a letter I received

O’er which I’ve fretted, sighed and grieved,

And cursed the hour when Adam weaved

His apron.

It was the worst I ever read;

It filled my inmost soul with dread,

And made me wish myself a dead

     Red herring.

It cast me from the topmost heights

Of rest and ease and pleasant sights,

And happy days and dreamless nights,

     To Hades.

O, tell me where beneath the sun

Can a poor, tortured fellow run

To find refuge from that dun –

     His tailor?

     HATTIE BURLEIGH DUDLEY

____________

July 22, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

A Warning

Bwana Tumbo’s armed again,

     And right upon his job;

He put to flight a dozen brutes,

     A whole blamed hippo mob.

Afloat, ashore, it matters not

     Where’er the scrap may tend,

Bwana Tumbo’s in the game,

     And in it to the end.

What use for hippo, lion or gnu,

     Two-legged ones or four,

To charge the battlements where stands

     Our valiant Theodore?

Avast! All ye who have believed

     B. Tumbo cannot shoot;

Beware, lest your poor hide adorns

     The famous “institute.”

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“A good many foolish people try to excuse their shortcomin’s by sayin’ they ain’t to blame fur bein’ born.”

______

“The Funniest Thing”

Dear Jocosity: Speaking of funny things reminds me of this: whether it’s more funny than tragic I don’t know; will leave it for you to decide:

The funniest thing that ever I saw

Was a man who married his mother-in-law;

For what relation did he bear then

To his first, divorced, and married again?

Winchester                                             SWOROFF

______

Street Primer

See the Policeman!

Isn’t he immense? It is a long Distance around the Belt Line! Yes, indeed, Little One, he is a Boy in Blue, but not a Soldier. The Policeman never Soldiers. He is always on active duty, and Fights for his Country, but more especially for his Scalp.

When you see a Policeman asleep, Little One, he isn’t Asleep. He is only playing Possum. He is waiting till the Crooks get into the store and get the Safe nearly open, then he will Awaken and surround them. He wants to catch them Red-handed. The Policeman is the old Fox, and the wrongdoers are the Geese. The old Fox can reach his Game, no matter how High it Roosts.

Never call a Policeman a Copper, Little One. There is a big Difference between the two. If you want to find out what it is you must ask him; he can tell you better than I can. People who have been Pinched until they Smarted will tell you that the Policeman is always on the Beat. That is untrue; the Policeman never Beats unless he has to. Make friends with the Policeman and you will find him a Good fellow.

(P.S. Clubs are always Trumps with the Policeman. Isn’t it Funny? He always has to take Bad people to make Good.)

______

Skipper Latham

Hats off to bold Latham, and his big monoplane,

          A sky pilot full of pluck;

If his ship can’t sail through the air like a bird,

          It surely can float like a duck.

______

Unanswered Yet

She – Do you believe in love at first sight?

He – Well, it depends altogether on the sight.

______

From the Belfry

(Contributed.)

Star performers are rare on the domestic stage.

Marriage is generally a success of esteem; seldom a genuine ovation.

Matrimony offers few bargains, but plenty of good business returns.

Of married people a few are harnessed span; the majority tandem.

Marriage has made many dear friends; so has divorce.

Many a matrimonial craft holds by a single anchor – a child’s cradle.

Flirtation is comedy and pleases all; marriage is comedy, tragedy, or farce, as happens.

Men love beauty; women love love.

Woman has more of the machinery of love in her little finger than man has in his whole body.

Somerville.                                             H. A. K.

______

The Gingles Jingles

  The Gingles girl is going home, across the broad old ocean’s foam; her friends in Windy city think she’d be best off across the drink. We do not care a hang where she hangs up her basket hat, not we, if only bards will cease to hurl their jingles on the Gingles girl!

______

A Country Idyl

A farmhouse set amongst the trees;

The song of bird, the drone of bees.

The apple orchard, bending low,

Green apples swaying to and fro.

A doctor’s gig outside the gate;

Within are faces, sad, sedate.

Upon the sofa Johnnie lies;

Beneath his belt great dragons rise.

Green apples still upon the tree,

But ten where they ought not to be.

______

Cheerful Comment

The Doves continue to roost high; the other end up.

Some men declare that without free hides it’s a skin business.

We have known of naval officers throwing bouquets at summer girls, but when it comes to throwing torpedoes that is another story.

Time was when oratory was the chief requirement of a politician. Pugilism seems to have knocked it out.

When the suffragettes will have become judges and jailers will they allow their prisoners to starve themselves out of jail?

Things are looking brighter, the last Black Hand demand being for only $20. Probably he, or they, or it, had some consideration for the vacation season.

If you are out of a job this summer you’d better go West to help harvest some of the breakfast food that will probably be set before you next winter.

Some fellows doubtless would make a joke out of the fact that Capt. Quick has discovered that the Gulf stream is running unusually fast, but we scorn to take advantage of the humorous situation.

____________

July 23, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Da Beega-Head Men

Da ‘Mericana man he com’ for shave t’ree time a week;

He want hot toweel for hees head, he say eet feels seeck.

He want one, two, t’ree put on heem, hees heada feel so bad,

He teepa me fi’ cen’ each time – for doo it I am glad!

W’at for hees heada feel so bad he weel no tella me;

Eet feel so vera beeg, he say, hee’s bookkeep’ no can see.

He lika gat beeg head massage, den go for work agen;

He teepa me fi’ cen’ – I like for shava beeg-head’ men!

I know mooch playnta Dagomen who com’ for shave, but den

Dey no want beega-head massage like ‘Mericana men.

Don’t see w’at mak’ seeck head so mooch, must be som’ awfla strain;

Maybe, perhap’ da Dagomen no gat so beega brain.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“You kin drive a hoss to water, but you can’t make him drink. There are some men who won’t stan’ for either one.”

______

“The Funniest Thing”

Dear Uncle Jocosity – It’s somewhat difficult to remember the funniest thing one has ever seen, but here is something that amused me greatly this morning, while coming in on a Harvard square car:

A man was reading his morning paper, while another man close beside him, evidently a “tightwad,” was reading it also. The man who owned the paper at length became nervous, and at a stop in Central square called a newsboy from whom he purchased another copy of the paper and presented it to the man side of him. Without becoming the least bit ruffled the man accepted the paper and read it all the way to Park street. Here he alighted, returned the paper and said pleasantly: “Thank you, sir; thank you. Do you take this car every morning? If so I’d like to ride in with you.”  How’s that for one kind of joy-rider?

Watertown.                                            “BATTIE.”

Several eastern touists say they’re going to cut out several parts of the West till the drought is over.

Miss Sarah Orne Jewett left $48,000, and now despairing young authors will take on a new lease of hope.

King Alphonso wants war. Al’ is very young, and has never been a target for anything except editorial sharpshooting.

Things are planned about right after all. The good wife returns just as the last clean dish is used and the last button falls off.

______

Crown Him

Chairman Committee – What are your qualifications for the American laureateship?

Poet Applicant – I have never tried to improve “America,” nor parodied “Maud Muller.”

______

The Moving Picture Crank

I’m happy now, so happy I

Must sit right down and tell you why.

For years my good wife would oppose

My going to the picture shows.

While I could see no harm therein,

She thought it was a mortal sin.

And so to live in sweet repose

I’ve had to cut the picture shows.

But now, O now, all’s well for me!

The President has been to see.

The President has been and seen

Himself upon the moving screen,

And if they’re right for him to see

I guess they won’t work harm for me.

I’m going home my wife to face,

And say that “Bill” has set the pace.

______

What Could Whooper Say?

“You can say all the slighting things you please about my headwear,” says Mrs. Whooper, sarcastically, “but it’s no worse for me to have a big hat in the afternoon or evening than for you to have a big head in the morning.”

______

Up a Step

“Hello, Sam, where you working now?”

“For the Elevated.”

“Boston?”

“No; got a higher job than they could give me; I’m taking fares on the Aerial Express, Limited.”

______

A Tragedy

There was a murmur on the porch of voices sweet and low, a dreamy, rhythmic swish and creak, a swinging to and fro; a living presence could be felt, although ‘twere inky dark; no light shone from the room beyond, not e’en a firefly spark. An ideal night for stealthy crime, when life was young and fair, when loving hearts thought they alone were in possession there. From out the trembling gloom there rose a form on mischief bent; keen-eyed, fleet-footed, hard of heart, unerring in its scent. A knife, keen-edged, and poised aloft, the murd’rous stranger had, and straight into the maiden’s cheek he drove it, murder mad. A scream, a jump, a swerving arm, a wild descending thud, and one more poor mosquito’s name was quickly changed to mud.

____________

July 24, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Forcing the Vine

We’ve got a clever youngster, jest ez clever ez kin be;

Ain’t no one here his equal, in this village, no sir-ee.

W’y talk uv eddication, he knows more than ha’f the town,

An’ till the spring vacation he wuz crammin’ uv it down.

We saw his scope fur learnin’, an’ we let him just sail in;

The teachers urgin’ likewise, an’ he rolled it up like sin.

He led each uv his classes, though the others struggled great;

We wuz bound to hev him leadin’, though he hed to study late.

“Twus fun to hear the neighbors findin’ fault becuz our son

Jest scooped the schoolroom honors ez they rolled in, ev’ry one;

We patted him an’ petted him, an’ told him by an’ by

He’d be a shinin’ jewel in the eddication sky.

But, course, he isn’t well, sir, else he’d b’en much higher still;

An’ when vacation happened, w’y, he took to bein’ ill.

An’ while he sort uv lingered up an’ down like, in his bed,

He wanted sum to study, an’ he read an’ read an’ read.

But now he can’t read more, sir, doctor said to take away

His books, an’ talk uv nothin’ ceptin’ pleasure an’ uv play;

He’s got a run uv fever, an’ the doc, hez made it plain

They ain’t one chance in thousan’, but it’s goin’ to wreck his brain.

I ain’t informed his mother, she is down herself, you see;

An’ so the work an’ worry is jest now heaped on me.

Seems hard to lose thet boy, sir, when he wuz so smart an’ led –

I asked the doc, this mornin’, but he merely shook his head.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“’Tain’t so much thet people like to be humbugged ez it is thet they like to feel ez though they wuz gittin’ a little the best uv the other feller.”

______

Getting On in Life

[Hand-made Letters from a City-made Son to His Room-mate]

Cowfoot Farm, N.H., July 22.

Dear Phil: we’re here in all our beauty, simplicity and summer togs. The trip up was uneventful, except that Gladinette was a bit homesick when the train pulled out of North station. She looked to me for comfort which I supplied in large quantities, I could have supplied more yet if our route had been through the Hoosac tunnel. As a supplier I am a howling success, Phil.

Dad met us at the deepo in his one horse shay built for four persons. You ought to see it, Phil. Buffalo Bill’s ancient and honorable has nothing on it whatever. I told Gladinette that our best one was away being repaired. She said she thought the old trap just too lovely for anything, and hoped the new one wouldn’t show up till after our departure. She shall have her wish, Phil; she shall, she shall.

Was dad glad to see her? I don’t think he saw me at all; not till it come time to do the chores. He saw me then twice. Dad thinks she is the only girl that ever happened, but I told him I lead him a year in the same thought. His maiden sister, my aunt Patience, is here spending her vacation also, but I can see where auntie doesn’t “vacash” very much. She is non-committal, where Gladys is concerned, but you know the story about the fox and the grapes.

Everything is new and strange to the girl. The first thing she did was to love a tiny chicken so hard she broke its neck. This nearly broke her heart, of course, and that pretty nearly broke us all up. I told her I was glad I wasn’t the chicken. She pretended to be angry, then I dared her to so the same thing by me. (Confusion – and more confusion!)

Gladys wore a red coat, and the moment she jumped from the wagon the old Tom turkey got busy. I laughed so hard I couldn’t help her a bit, and she nearly climbed to dad’s shoulders she was so scared. She says she knows she will never like turkey any more, but I tell her there’s a big difference between a live turkey and a dead one. She said she realized all that herself. Am wondering how the old town is faring without me? We don’t make much of a hole when we leak out of a big city, do we, Philip? It is a good place up here to save your money. To that dad says to add, “health and reputation.” Well, perhaps he’s right; he generally is. Let us hear from you if you can keep away from the swan boats long enough. Ever yours,                     “BRAD.”

______

Political Food

There is a saying old and true,

     That barking dogs will seldom bite;

So man has learned, quite happily,

     That though they bark to feel no fright.

The suffragettes in London town

     Have made a lot of noise, and they

Bite something fierce; not food, oh, no,

     They bite their jailers every day.

______

From the Belfry

Pearls of love are the ones oftenest cast before the swine.

Women are always to win, and are never to be considered won.

The devil is not half so subtle as a woman, nor an angel half so plausible.

Nature confides to women the secrets she does not care to keep.

Woman makes excellent comedy and tragedy to order.

Love may be mutual and yet be miserable.

Somerville.                                             H. A. K.

____________

July 25, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

All in the Location

Yes, Charles Frohman has returned

     From o’er the briny deep;

And while in good old London town

     He hasn’t been asleep.

He’d hied him through poetic lanes,

     And literary ways;

He’s here again, his steamer trunk

     Chock full of English plays.

The Yankee literary walks

     Are shunned by such as he;

They must all go abroad to find

     Good farce or tragedy.

And so the English playwright makes

     Each year his goodly “spec”;

He gets it in the pocketbook,

     The Yankee in the neck.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Don’t blame the banty ruster; he hez to make up in style what he lacks in size.”

______

“The Funniest Thing”

Editor Jocosities, Dear Sir – The funniest thing that I have witnessed for some time, and perhaps one containing the most food for thought, happened yesterday on top of the Adams House extension.

A pair of pigeons, evidently two males, were quarreling over a piece of food that had been thrown to them. Neither would let the other eat, and the battle waged fiercely, the contestants gradually getting further away from the bone of contention. Suddenly a third pigeon, a little one, flew down, and while the others fought ate the whole thing up and walked over to the edge of the roof and plumed himself.

                                                     “OBSERVER”

______

Saved by Two Cork Legs

Misfortune is not without its saving qualities. A victim of the Texas tidal wave, one William Davies, was kept afloat 30 hours, his only means of support being his two cork legs, which he had previously unstrapped, gripped firmly under his arms. Some people who had legs not of cork lost their lives. The dispatch states that he was carried to sea 15 miles on a raft. That is all right, up to a point. It the adds: “With his cork supports under his arms, he swam back into the bay.” Here is where we hesitate. If he swam 15 miles without any legs he certainly was a corker, for his arms, of course, were busy holding his life preservers. But the main thing about the incident is the value of having a pair of cork legs handy. This man’s misfortune proved to be his means of salvation. Of course, we don’t all want an outfit of cork pedals, but if we ever do arrive at that stage of locomotion we can readily see where they might come in handy. There is no doubt that Mr. Davies now looks upon his cork extremities with more than a passing fondness, and that he will take them on all future sea trips.

Cork rightly used is a blessing to mankind. It buoys up men and women when all other means fail. Many a man has been ruined by removing too many corks; Mr. Davies was saved by doing so. Imagine his plight had he not removed his artificial underpinning ere the tidal wave swept him into the bay. It would have been impossible for him to have floated otherwise than head downward. This should teach us that if we ever reach the cork leg stage we might safely hang our clothes on a hickory limb (not a cork one), but keep away from the water unless our extremities are detached and ready to serve as life preservers.

______

Explained to Henry

Mrs. Scorchum looked up from her paper. “Henry!”

“Yes, my dear.”

“These newspaper writers are always making fun of women because we can’t throw stones straight and because we get off from moving trains and street cars backwards.”

“Yes, my dear.”

“Well, do you know why we don’t do such things as niftily as the men do?”

“No, my dear.”

“Well, I’ll tell you; when we were little girls we were in the schoolhouses studying and trying to improve our minds, while you were out practicing jumping off from freight trains and trying to see how much window glass you could break; that’s the reason!” and Mrs. Scorchum resumed her reading without waiting for the answer which she knew wouldn’t be forthcoming.

______

Chin Silencers

Saugus – Your plan to have the readers of newspapers club in and buy Maxim silencers for members of the pugilistic family who talk but don’t pugle, is a good one even though unpractical.

____________

July 26, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

When Father Bobs For Eels

I’ve seen men fishing down in Maine,

     On lakes of great renown,

With tackle fit to grace a hand

     From Isaac Walton’s down.

They’d fine canoes or power boats,

     And all that one could wish,

Including all the fancy “baits”,

     With which to lure the fish.

Now father, he is different,

     No fancy fisher he;

When he rigs up for catching fish

     He’s plain as he can be.

He has no rods or power boats

     No flies, or rods or creels;

He just goes out upon the “crick”

     And simply bobs for eels.

He has a bunch of angleworms

     All tangled up with thread;

A pail. old coat and rubber boots,

     An old hat on his head.

He shoves his boat off in the stream,

     When darkness downward steals,

And drops his bob’ down o’er the side

     Where run the hungry eels.

Pa waits till one grabs on his bob,

     Then slyly pulls his line,

And flops a big one in the boat,

     Well, easy, two-pound nine.

Pa doesn’t smile or say a word,

     But we know how he feels;

He always has a cheery look

     Whene’er he bobs for eels.

We like to see him sitting there,

     In just the same old boat;

The same old hat upon his head,

     The same old boots and coat.

For me he makes a picture rare,

     That beats all rods and reels;

And father always fills his pail,

     Whene’er he bobs for eels.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Sometimes when you think you kin smell a rat it is on’y where a rat hez be’n.”

______

Cheerful Comment

Sometimes you can tell self-made men by the cuts of their jibs.

When the aeroplane runs into a heavy gale it will be an airyplane; next!

Imagine one street asking another: “Have you liquidated this morning?”

Every dog is luck in having his “day,” if they are only dogdays like these.

Women smoking stogies in Pittsburgh? So much of the perpetual “haze” is accounted for!

A man out in the suburbs saw a common housefly the other day and actually asked what sort of bug it was.

There’s a big difference between going down in French history and going down in the English channel.

There are people in the world who can keep a secret, but they can’t resist the temptation of letting it be known that they’ve got a secret to keep.

Women are fast usurping man’s places. Two female “road agents” held up a Glidden car, just outside of Denver, and at the points of cocked pistols relieved its occupants of $193 in cash and a gold watch. Good political material that.

“Millions of browntail moths recently visited Boston. The browntail moth has been so much written about that it is naturally more or less attracted to literary surroundings,” sayeth the Washington Star. Not so much that, brother, but anywhere to get away from the tariff-talk zone.

______

Those Blarsted Hairships!

The “Englishman’s Home” wears a troubled brow,

          Since Bleriot proved such a winner;

The Frenchman can fly o’er the channel now

          And see what he’s eating for dinner!

____________

July 27, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

A Poets Warning

I’m not a very fussy man,

     Nor am I prone to bluff;

I do not kick when people call

     My daily writings “stuff.”

I do not think to take offense

     Should someone call them “grind”;

And when they call them “rot” or “punk,”

     E’en then I do not mind.

But there is one place I rebel,

     One term I will not stand;

And he who uses it must meet

     My doubled, good right hand.

To class my work as “stuff,” or “rot,”

     Won’t get me on a rope;

But heaven help man unarmed

     Who calls my verses “dope.”

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“One uv the queer things uv life is thet lots uv people try to make the best uv ev’rything exceptin’ theirselves.”

______

“The Funniest Thing”

Dear Jocosity: I haven’t seen anything funny for a long time, but if it is allowable I would like to submit the funniest thing I have read recently. It is a quatrain, and DIDN’T come out of the “Jocosity” column, it being written by Edgar R. Guest, of the Detroit Free Press. When you can write things as good as the following you will come in for your share:

IN TWO PLACES

“A rat, two switches and a pomp,

       A big pad and two lesser;

Half of my wife sleeps in a bed,

       The other half on the dresser.”

Charlestown.           “BUNKERHILL”

______

No Improvement

Rivers have been tunnelled,

     Wireless a success;

Airships been invented,

     Flying more or less.

Deserts made to blossom,

     North Pole all but found;

Moving pictures taken,

     Photographing sound.

Wonderful inventions

     In all things but one;

Women’s dresses gaping

     Like they’ve always done.

______

Getting on in Life

(Hand-made Letters from a City-made Son to His Room-mate.)

Cowfoot Farm, N.H., July 26, ’09.

Dear Phil: Yours received, and in all honesty I must admit that promptness has nothing on you, my boy. It is so unlike you that I suspect you are the least bit homesick since my departure; nothing else would have driven you to answer a letter inside of six months. If you are homesick you may have my sympathy; I am not. You could have been here also, if you could only have seen it that way. What a companion you would have made for Aunt Patience! When dad is out in the field and Gladinette and I are a-Julying out in the woods you and Aunt Patience could have had the front porch. What a joy excursion that would have been for you, Phil! She’s a little hard of hearing, Aunt Patience is, but she’s deucedly affectionate, and would have mothered you beautifully.

Yesterday I took Gladinette out to see the stock, and she at once became popular. That is to say, the cows and the calves and some of the young oxen crowded around her and bade her welcome. She was scared and held onto me for dear life. One young calf got unduly familiar and began pulling at one of her bonnet strings. In her fright she yanked her head suddenly and off came the bonnet, and – what do you think? A couple of puffs! Gladys screamed and the calves scampered and there was a general stampede. Two of the bossies quickly scooped up the fallen puffs and were munching away at them when we withdrew. I secured the hat, which wasn’t much worse for wear. We can’t get Gladys within hand shaking distance of the stock any more. Says she doesn’t take as much stock in animals as she did. She explained that the puffs were made from some of her mother’s hair, and that she was keeping them as family “hairlooms”; said she didn’t wear puffs because she needed to, but because she always liked to have something of her mother’s close to her. I sympathized with her over the loss of the hair, but she laughed and made light of it, saying that she could get plenty more where that came from.

Yesterday we went a-berrying. Years ago, when I was small, I just hated to go berrying. Mother used to hold out all kinds of inducements, but now I like to go. Isn’t it funny, Phil, how one changes as one grows older? Gladys picked four quarts, and her first experience, too. I got a pint and a half, counting berries, dirt, sticks and leaves. But then, I had the chaperone the young lady, which took a good deal of my time. There are lots of things one has to look out for up in this country. Not only are there lots of snakes, animals and hornets, but there are other young men out a-berrying. As a chaperone I fill all the requirements. Would write at greater length, but Aunt Patience says she wants some vegetables for dinner, so I am going to take the hoe and dig some squashes, then get the step ladder and pick some green corn. Gladinette wishes to be remembered “to my chum,” but I told her I should take the trouble to forget it. Yours,

                                                     “BRAD.”

______

One Step Too Far

She told me to fly, and I flew;

She begged me to lie, and I lew.

          I’ll allow her to task me,

          But if she should ask me

To die, I’ll be durned if I dew!

                             – Cleveland Leader.

She asked me to row, and I rew;

She asked me to sow, and I sew.

          But if she should tackle

          Me to crow or to cackle,

Durned if I’d cackle or crew!

______

Something for Nothing

Man’s first ambition, after filling his stomach, is to get something for nothing. And not infrequently this same consideration, that of getting something for nothing, enters the question of filling his stomach. The grocer’s wares are sampled with great regularity, and the free lunch counter is a howling success. Then comes the near-by cider mill, the melon patch sleeping in the moonlight, the apple orchard, and in the winter season the “spread night” at the lodge, all appealing to him on the “something for nothing” basis.

He begins as a child, toddling from store to store, punching and repunching slot machines in a vain endeavor to get something for nothing. Sometimes he succeeds, but not often – just often enough, perhaps, to tempt him to continued effort. When he reaches manhood he makes which is, perhaps, his greatest effort of all. He sees a dainty, beautiful girl, and the idea of appropriation takes possession of his soul. He courts her, and in due course of time marries her. He is a great awkward, unattractive specimen; she is pretty, modest and altogether charming. She gives herself into his keeping, and there again, he gets something for nothing.

All through his life he is working the same old game. When Gabriel sounds his last megaphone call he makes one more grand and final effort to get something for nothing. Perhaps he has been a near-villain all of his life, but when he gets to the door of the hereafter he rakes up a forged pass and tries to work it off on poor, old, tender-hearted and near-sighted St. Peter. Result unknown.

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July 28, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Lyre

Each morn the poet sits him down,

     Filled with poetic fire,

His heart aflow, his soul aglow,

     To twang upon his lyre.

No matter what the weather be

     He always feels the pang;

So every morn, sad or forlorn,

     He sits himself to twang.

Sometimes his muse won’t work at all,

     He cannot sound his lyre;

His heart aflow or soul aglow

     Responds not to his fire.

And then he feels him very sad,

     For hunger joins his ire;

And with a blow that boxers know

     He smites his rusty lyre.

He worships truth as best of all,

     But truth won’t flow at times;

‘Tis then he quibs and works some fibs

     Into his soulful rhymes.

Compose he must, to stay the wolf,

     And feed next winter’s fire;

And so he smites the strings and writes,

     And makes himself a liar.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Sometimes the takin’ uv the bull by the horns ain’t ha’f so dangerous ez the lettin’ go ag’in.”

______

The Old and the New

The young man in the country town who owned a horse and buggy, once oft did ride at eventide beside some maiden snuggy; those blissful days have come and gone – no more the horse and buggy appeals to her, she wants a beau who has a fast chug-chuggy.

______

Cheerful Comment

Of course the Gulf Stream has come a little closer.

Evidently the Latham airship believes itself to be a submarine.

Rattlesnakes adrift in North Cambridge, and “her” a no-license city!

Yes, the stork beat the Crane, but what’s the difference between the two birds, anyway?

If Anna Held is to wear an all-diamond gown she evidently expects a large following.

Here’s hoping Hubert Latham’s third try will be, not three times and “out,” but three times and “over.”

The man who sleeps at Revere or Winthrop, but who works every day, may be said to be taking a near-vacation.

Very likely that busy African typewriter is going to have the unkindness to tell us that the things we’ve been reading aren’t so.

Young Cudahy, who was kidnapped at the age of 15, is reported to be engaged to a Miss Brewer of San Francisco. As Eddie is now 24 it can hardly be said he is being kidnapped a second time.

______

Dug Out

When Bwana Tumba reached the scene

      With all the guns that he could lug,

The dig-dig gave a shriek of fear

      And then the dig-dig dug.

                                 – Houston Post.

And then into the Bushbuck’s lair

      All silently he ducked

And sprang upon the creatures there –

      And then the bushbuck bucked!

                                   – Cleveland Leader.

But not until he knew the game

      Was vengeance fully meted;

He used the Big Stick when he came

      To know the cheetah cheated.

____________

July 29, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Why Hen Was Silent

Hen Billings set in Stokes’ store

     Ha’f dozin’ in his chair;

He’d set there for an hour or more

     A picture uv despair.

'Hen hedn’t said a single word

     Sence he hed set him down;

In fact he hedn’t skurcely stirred

     ‘Cept to increase his frown.

Jed Martin up an’ spoke to Hen,

     Hen on’y shook his head;

Stokes up an’ asked him somethin’ then,

     But not a word he said.

Hen Billings wouldn’t make a sound,

     He kept his mouth shet tight;

Till by an’ by it noised around

     His “upper floor” warn’t right.

Thet seemed to make ol’ Hen mad,

     He give ol’ Stokes a frown,

Then grabbed a pencil an’ a pad,

     And scrawled this message down:

“Ding hang you fur a popinjay,

     Don’t think I’ve gone unstrung;

A wasp flew in my mouth today

     An’ stung me on the tongue!”

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“The feller who lets ev’rything go in one ear an’ out uv the other soon hez a head thet ain’t good fur much ‘ceptin’ a highway fur gossip.”

______

“The Funniest Thing”

Dear Jocosity: My friend and I have written a little poem together; in other words, “collaborated,” each one writing alternate lines, without knowing what the other had written. When we had finished, and read the classic in its entirety, we concluded it to be the funniest thing we had ever seen, not unlike much of the magazine poetry that we find in the best magazines. Here is the result of our experiment, entitled:

TWINLETS

“The night came on, and stars peeped down –

     (While mother cans her fruit.)

Upon the sleepy, hillside town –

     (She spattered father’s suit.)

“The goddess sleep stole on apace –

     (But mother didn’t care.)

She touched a dainty, upturned face –

     (While father tore his hair.”)

______

“Greencawn-n-n-n!”

Along the quiet city streets

     The hawker wends his way;

He loudly cries his green supplies

     From dawn till close of day.

How often has he wearied us,

     Till on this early morn,

When on his round he made resound:

     “Greencawn-n-n! Greencawn-n-n-n!”

Away with huckleberries now,

     Away with peaches, too;

Away with cantaloupes and pears,

     And berries black and blue!

Thrice welcome now the huckster’s voice,

     Though be it close to dawn;

How sweetly falls each plaintive call:

     “Greencawn-n-n-n! Greencawn-n-n-n!”

______

Stick to Puffs

Blythe – The only objection we can see to a row of frankfurters, in place of puffs for a head of auburn hair, is that they would be exceedingly heavy, and would shine and look greasy on a hit day. Besides they would be very apt to attract the appetites of hungry canines and cause unpleasantness for the wearer. The difference in price wouldn’t warrant the experiment.

______

Mutual Dislike

“Why is it, I wonder, that some people always have something laid up against the mule?”

“I suppose it’s because the mule always has something laid up against them every chance he gets.”

______

The Vacation Fakir

(Contributed.)

His vacation he is taking,

               Writes he’s at the shore in Maine;

But we thing that he is faking,

               Though we saw him on the train.

Postcard views, the ocean showing,

               Reaches us with every mail;

Scenes of bathing, fishing, rowing,

               Fleet and gorgeous yachts a-sail.

Still we feel that he is bluffing,

               And to fool us he has tried;

No doubt now with facts he’s stuffing,

               Reading up the railroad guide.

If we’d only take the trouble,

               On his back piazza look,

We could straightway burst the bubble –

               There he sits with pipe and book.

Dorchester.                              – H. E. F.

______

Aunt Peggy’s New Fad

“Law bless you, no,” said aunt Peggy, “I don’t work on them newspaper puzzles an’ Rebus’s like I used to; I hev found somethin’ harder an’ more interestin’ than them be. I take the baseball pages now an’ try tew figger out what they are talkin’ about.”

____________

July 30, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Seein’ Things

Avast all ye who dip within

     The ocean’s briny deep!

While gaily sporting on the waves

     A weather optic keep.

Our old, but true seaserpent friend

     Is now upon his way,

And may be seen along our shores

     On any bathing day.

He last was seen off Hatteras,

     Which is afar from here;

But laws! Within an hour or two

     He could be off Revere!

Six feet around and eighty long,

     With speed that wakes a hum,

This latest story isn’t fast,

     But still it’s going some.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Don’t see how they kin call ‘em airships when ev’ry little current uv air puts ‘em out uv biznis.”

______

Those Film Fiends

It is feared by some that the moving picture men weren’t notified in time to get films of the big battle between the Spaniards and the Moors, wherein 3000 of King Alphonso’s subjects were slain. There is, however, no cause for alarm. If the moving picture men were a little late in getting their batteries into position for the big battle they will simply call a halt and compel them to fight it all over again. There is no use stealing a march on the moving picture men, and the sooner nations, as well as individuals, find it out the better for all concerned.

______

Getting on in Life

(Hand-made Letters from a City-made Son to His Room-mate.)

COWFOOT FARM, July 28, ’09.

Dear Phil: Not having heard from you for two days and fearing you may have been out late and forgotten your street and number, I write you in extreme haste. If this doesn’t reach you in due time I shall know you haven’t received it and send a tracer. Gee, but it is hot up in this burg, though dad says it is very comfortable for those who haven’t time to think about the heat. Dad says he moves so fast the heat can’t overtake him, while others dally along and become overcome. He meant “overtaken,” but that’s the way he put it. Dad is something of a joker, when he isn’t thinking.

Must tell you about our berrying finale. It wound up with several discords and a few minor bumps, where there were none before. Gladinette was loping through the huckleberry bushes like a gazelle and suddenly she said, “O, what a pretty peach-basket hat that would make!” and before I could stop her she had put her hand on a tremendous hornet nest. One of the doorkeepers met her half way and handed her one on the wrist. She screamed and put for the opposite direction with the speed of a Red Sox base-runner, but she couldn’t get ahead of the rear guard. I tried to cover all the bases I could, but two or three more tagged her on the way to the house, which only added to her speed and fright. Well, I can’t tell you as much about it as Aunt Patience could, as she immediately took possession of her, and it was several hours before I saw Gladys again. She has lost all interest in huckleberries and country pastures, and says the front porch is the only reliable place she has found as yet.

Last evening we spent in singing hymns, accompanied by the old organ in the parlor. It took some time to get it into shape, as it hadn’t been used for a long time, Phil; not since mother died. It was a hard moment for dad, and once he had to leave the room, but he finally pulled himself together and came in and joined us. Gladys is a good player, and sings like a bird. It is my one regret now that mother couldn’t have known her. I never said much to you about mother, Phil; well, I couldn’t, that’s all, but I want to say here that there never was, nor never would be, a better one. But here – I must ring off; I’m getting serious. Tomorrow we are going off on a fishing trip and perhaps I’ll have something livelier to recite. Gladinette has never been fishing. I remarked that it was fortunate that fish didn’t have stingers!

______

The Overworked Word

(Contributed.)

The horse that balks at every auto’s puff

         If he from flight refrain

Because he hasn’t energy enough

         To Bolt, is rated “Sane.”

The acrobat who walks on moral wire

         Above the crowd profane,

If, neck unbroken, he from tent retire,

         Is straightway reckoned “Sane.”

The lad endowed with wit that bids him seek

         The house in time of rain,

Is one of whom judicious writers speak

         As “Eminently Sane.”

Poor word! So long o’erworked, immunity

         From service thou shouldst claim;

O, Sanity! How much stupidity

         Is uttered in thy name.

                                – “ECCENTRIC.”

______

The Soda Man

I wish I were the soda man who runs the “fizz” machine, he looks so cool and spotless now wherever he is seen; with naught to do these torrid days but mix a college ice, a sundae or an orange phos’ must be exceeding nice. Just think! The fruits of every land within your reach, the pineapple, the plum and grape, the cherry and the peach; three tanks of cream beneath your nose, and flavors score and score, and eggs and sugar, cream and spice, and lusciousness galore! And, best of all, a icy tank to sputter and to siss; I wish I were the soda man knee-deep in cooling bliss!

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July 31, ‘09