Jocosities - May, 1909

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Welcome, May

I’m allus glad when it is May,

     Bright May when all the birds come back;

Best time of all the year, I say,

When snow an’ chill has passed away,

An’ Natur’ decks in bright array,

     The woods an’ fields an’ vine-clad shack.

“Jim” Riley he is stuck on June,

“Knee deep in June,” he ‘lows for him.

June’s good, of course, seems good once more

To see the roses climb the door,

Or tramp the daisy pastures o’er

     Down to the crick an’ take a swim.

But May! May is the time for me,

     When ev’rything is fresh an’ gay;

No other time o’ year you’ll see

Sech greens as May gives bush an’ tree,

An’ fragrance? Why, it’s my idee

     That Heav’n itself can’t discount May!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“The autymobile ain’t supposed to be overstocked with intelligunce, but once in a while they’s one thet will turn on the one who’s drivin’ it beyend the limit uv endurunce  an’ hol’ him down till the undertaker comes.”

______

Natural and the Un-natural

Perhaps the donkey’s voice was rude,

    But sure as we were born,

‘Twas like a Chopin interlude,

    Against the auto horn.

______

To Members of the Worry Club

If the begoggled Nimrod of the jungle be picked up on the horns of a vicious carnifferissermo and carried inland a few miles, his friends have only to remember that the hero of San Juan Hill is well used to rough riding.

______

Nor Out if It

Hank Stubbs – I hear you are goin’ to stock up your trout brook, Bige.

Bige Miller – Yep, got to; city fellers ain’t took no stock in it for ‘bout three years now.

______

At the Parting

Farewell, fair April, fare-thee-well,

      Thou’st brought us naught but rain and sleet;

Now trot thee off to play a spell,

      While we dry out and warm our feet.

______

Queen of the May

(Contributed.)

You must wake and call me early, call me early, mother dear;

Tomorrow will be the coldest day of all this cold new year.

Of all this cold new year, mother, the coldest, windiest day,

For I’m to be Queen of the May, mother, I’m to be Queen of the May.

Lay my sealskin and my snowshoes close beside my little bed,

For I must be dressed early and go with brother Ted

To the May Pole set in the ice pond, beyond the castle gate,

Where the boys and girls will be waiting to see me ‘round it skate.

A crown of snowballs and windflowers they will place upon my head,

Then I will skate home to you, mother, so make my little bed.

Take off my crown of snowballs, and place it where ‘twill melt,

Then put me in my bed, mamma, with my bedshoes lined with felt.

S. P. R.

____________

May 1, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Rescuers

A leaf dropped in a flowing stream,

     Then floated out, far upon the sea;

A drowning bug crawled on the leaf,

     And drifted with it aimlessly.

The leaf was driven wild seas o’er,

And finally was blown ashore,

     And so at last the bug was free.

A verse fell from a poet’s pen,

     A note of faith and hope and cheer;

It found its way from press to press,

     And told its message strong and clear.

One heart bowed down with grief and care

Was lifted from its deep despair,

     And sang its praises far and near.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

Chickens come hime to roost, sure enough, but their princerpul reason fur comin’ home is to git somethin’ to eat.”

_______

Ammunition

A little sermon, not too long,

     But full of powder new,

Will penetrate a wall more strong,

And scatter farther midst the throng,

     Than hours of rant

     Or Weary cant

     Can ever do.

______

The Kicker Box

Dear Jocosity: I like your column and read it daily; but please, please do not give us any more jokes like “The Angler Caught.” It was a chestnut when I was young, and I am not now young. – H. M. K.

But, my dear man, don’t you realize that the chestnut is being valued more and more as an article of food, and that farmers are now setting out chestnut trees for profit in preference to apples and pears? Besides, you will go down to some of the stores on our side streets and pay big money for an antique and carry it home under your arm, as tickled as a boy with a new popgun.

You are appealed to on the ground of “old times’ sake.” Ah! to think that you should turn against a joke that you knew in your boyhood days! Have you no love for the old days? Wouldn’t you relish a piece of pumpkin pie such as your grandmother used to make? And yet you spurn a joke your grandfather used to make! Confidentially, Father Jocosity thought the joke so aged that nobody would remember it; but he sees very plainly that many hereabouts are not as young as they seem, and he has got to go even further back when he next attempts the resurrection business.

______

Keep Cool

What’s the use in swearin’

     If your plans don’t go?

Don’t be overbearin’

     If they seem some slow.

Frettin’ only hinders,

     This is not a joke;

Anger makes the cinders –

     Up they go in smoke.

______

Omar up to Date

Is it possible that wise old Omar looked down through the years and saw what his fair sister was to crown herself with in the year 1909? Who can doubt it after reading his LXXII. stanza, letting his mind dwell for a moment on the new cabriolet? Here is what Omar says, word for word:

And let the inverted Bowl they call the Sky

Whereunder crawling coop’d we live and die,

     Lift not your hands to It for help – for it

As impotently moves as you or I.”

How sly of him to compare it with the sky; and yet, why not?

______

Still on His Mind

Beacon – Do you suppose we’ll ever git rid of the smoke nuisance?

Hill – Not as long as the cigar is fashionable as a holiday gift.

______

On Their Minds

“I’ve got something on my mind that I’ve got to get rid of,” said the author, bursting in and seizing a pad and pencil.

“And when you have gotten rid of it and have received a check for it there is something down in the milliner’s window that I want to get on my mind,” said the author’s wife, picking up his hat, coat and umbrella.

______

Agricultural Advances

Now is the happy seedtime,

          Behold each tiny row;

But soon it will be weedtime,

          And “whack” will go the hoe.

______

“No Fishin’ Here”

Boarder – I’ve fished in your old pond for three days and haven’t had a bite. What does that sign, “No FIshin’ Here,” mean, anyway?

Hiram – Jest what it says, sir: “No Fish-in Here.”

____________

May 2, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Magic Line

There was a man in our town –

                 (It pays to advertise.)

Who by an auto was run down –

(It pays to advertise.)

The auto fled upon its way,

It didn’t stop a word to say;

The victim purchased one next day –

                 (It pays to advertise.)

The Turk sat in his guarded tent –

                 (It pays to advertise.)

He couldn’t stand the dire event –

                 (It pays to advertise.)

His wives stood round him in a row;

The people called, he wouldn’t go

Because he loved the turkey so –

                 (It pays to advertise.)

A hunter bold went out to shoot –

                 (It pays to advertise.)

With made-to-order gun and boot –

                 (It pays to advertise.)

Who wouldn’t risk the jungle bird,

And beast of which we’ve never heard,

For stories for one plunk per word?

                 (It pays to advertise.)

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“It takes two to make a bargain, an’ sometimes the entire members uv both fam’lies, an’ a few outsiders, to unmake it.”

______

Street Primer

See the Porter!

He is the man who Owns the hotel. He leases it to the Proprietor so as to have no Responsibility. The Porter doesn’t like Responsibility when it is spelled w – o – r – k. If you want to Stay in the hotel a very Long time you must be Good to the Porter. He is very Particular who he has in his hotel.

Yes, Little One, the Porter looks very Healthy. He looks perfectly Well, but he is not. He has an itching Palm. It bothers him a good deal; also others. He notices it more after he has Exerted himself some. That is when others Notice it.

But the Porter is a good fellow. He has a wonderful memory, and can Tell you lots of things about People who have stayed at his hotel, if you can get Confidential with him, and you Can. It doesn’t cost much. Don’t, however, ring for the Porter unless you Ring in.

(P.S. – There are two Porters; one of them you Drink and the other you Approach. Both should be Approached gently. When it comes to the word “Porter” there’s nothing in a Name.)

______

Head Work, This

“Man wants but little here below,

     Nor wants that little long”;

He’s just content to hoe his row,

     And hum a little song.

How different with womankind!

     By fatal fashion led;

She wants the most that she can find,

     And wants it on her head.

______

The Latest Foot Warmers

A farmer near Lake City, Mich., stepped, in his stocking feet, into two red-hot custard pies which his wife had just taken from the oven. His feet were so badly burned that amputation might be necessary.

It is a well-known fact that pie, taken internally, is a dangerous thing, but this is the first time on record where it has accomplished material damage externally. Of course, this farmer should have looked where he was walking; looked before he leaped, to put it pat, but the average man isn’t expecting to find custard pies distributed over the kitchen floor. Had they been on the back doorstep, cooling off, the calamity might have happened, just the same, but he would have had his boots on, which would have been just as hard on the pies, but easier on him. Whether his fault or not, he certainly put his foot in it, for it is natural to suppose that he had no pie for supper, and most men consider that hard lines.

______

Love, War and Politics

“Politics is a funny game.”

“Why so?”

“Sometimes the man who helps to make a President helps to break him a little later.”

____________

May 3, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Scratch

The hen that scratches all the day

     Is jest a good example;

She works in her peculiar way,

     An’ gits a livin’ ample.

Good times or poor, it’s all the same,

     She spends no time cross-patchin’;

She starts and keeps right in the game,

     An’ tends right to her scratchin’.

We kin take courage from the hen,

     An’ make our profits double;

We must dig all the harder when

     We’re weighted down with trouble.

We’ve got to scratch an’ scratch away.

     The hen’s a good example;

‘Twill drown the sorrows of the day,

     An’ bring a livin’ ample.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Continually findin’ fault with the weather won’t change it any, but it may have some influence on the weather man.”

______

III.

Telltale Straws

Straws show which way   

     The current runs;

A theme too good

     For jokes and puns.

An empty creel

     Shows facts for talk;

That run of fish

     Was but a walk.

______

Cheerful Comments

The oyster has ceased to be in the stew.

No one can say that 1920 hasn’t been taken by the forelock.

Three lions in the jungle have to be killed to make one.

What have become of the good old May basket days?

Most women can cook, but lots of them shouldn’t be allowed to.

There will be an abundant peach crop this year, if the baskets are to be taken as a good sign.

Some men wouldn’t lose their grip so quickly if they’d do more of the spitting on the hands.

Has Been & Co. insolvent and on the retired list: Castro, the Sultan and Crazy Snake.

______

Apologies to Bobbie

If we could see ourselves

      As other people see us,

I hardly think that we

      Would really want to be us.

______

When You Come to Think of It

Drowsley – Don’t you find it hard getting up so early mornings?

Earliburd – It’s easier for me than getting up afternoons.

____________

May 4, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

You and the Bottle

You can’t tell what’s in a bottle

     Till the cork is taken out,

And you’ve tipped it to an angle

     Say to forty-five, about.

Till you’ve let it touch your palate,

     Or you’ve analyzed it right;

You can’t tell what’s in a bottle

     When it’s corked up tight.

You can’t tell what’s in a fellow

     When he tries to hide his hand;

When he keeps a golden silence

     He is hard to understand.

And the world won’t know your value

     ‘Less you up and stir the ground;

Folks will never know what’s in you

     If you just sit around.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Too often our neighbor’s hoss or cow ain’t no good jest becuz it ain’t our hoss or cow,”

______

The Human Hen

Now doth the gay

     Suburbanite

Kneel in his patch

     When comes the night

And with his nails

     Scratch good seeds out,

He fain would see

     Why they don’t sprout.

______

III.

Moving Day

Over 60 carriage loads of wives were taken from the imperial palace to Stamboul, the deposed Sultan’s new roosting place. It is seen by this that the Sultan is bound to take his troubles along with him. The thing that comes first into the American mind is, how in the name of Turkey is he going to support such an establishment, now that he has lost his job? Of course, we understand that the Sultanas, or Sultanettes, don’t wear as many clothes as our American women; but, figuring four to a wagon load, the old sport has 240 wives to our one, and the average American, with a good job, sometimes has to work overtime to keep along with his next-door neighbor.

However, too much sympathy shouldn’t be wasted on Abdul Hamid. He has been pretty foxy in the past and may have something up his sleeve for the future. He may find it convenient to set his staff to work now instead of having it loaf around.

______

Williameta

(Contributed.)

How happy I when we first met

          Bewitching Williameta.

Replete with youth, I thought, forsooth,

          No girl could well be sweeter.

Of simple grace, a pretty face,

          Complexion morning laden;

What could I do but fall in love

          With such a charming maiden?

I thought her my affinity,

          To be my wife besought her;

I told her I had wealth to burn –

          In fact, I think I bought her.

Thus dulcet Williameta maid

          I took for worse, or better;

And now I wisj, I’m sore afraid,

          That I had never met her.

          Lynn.                    W. BUSH

____________

May 5, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

“A Little Piece of String”

I.

“A little piece of string” is all

     I ask to have betimes;

‘Twould bring me greater pleasure than

     A book of merry rhymes.

“A simple little piece of string”

     Tied to a limber pole,

Is joy enough to cheer the heart

     Of any downcast soul.

II.

“A little piece of string,” they sing

     Upon the mimic stage;

“A little piece of string” for nonce

     Is something of a rage,

And then it dies. Not so the string

     Tied to a limber pole;

It lives forever and a day,

     To cheer a downcast soul.

(Refrain.)

Just a little piece of string,

Such a tiny little thing,

But it fills the angler’s heart with glee;

Just a quiet little lake

And then a “tug,” and then a “break,”

And you’ve got him on a sting, you see.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

:Never look a gift horse in the mouth, but ef you do, keep one eye on your fingers.”

______

As to Stars

The prophet sage, good Emerson,

     Was right, as all good sages are,

When he advised us one and all,

     To hitch our wagons to a star.

But all the stars I chance to know,

     And I know many more than one,

Won’t have a wagon, it’s too slow,

     They want an auto hitch or none.

______

Explanation

They say the Boston people call him “Rahft.” But a President must suffer in silence. – Baltimore Sun. Not so, son; we’re not that disrespectful. We call him “President Tahft.”

______

Cheerful Comments

A new aeroplane is born every new moon; deaths not reported.

The report that there is skating on Charlesmere is entirely without foundation.

The oyster stew has already lingered too long in the lap of the strawberry shortcake.

Did you ever notice what a helpless crowd usually gathers round a collapsed trucking team?

A good backbone is a good thing to have along with you. Unfortunately some men leave theirs at home.

A man, not overstocked with gray matter, and his green matter soon become a matter of separation.

Some barbers fuss so long on a man’s face after shaving him that he almost needs a new shave before he gets out.

____________

May 6, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

He Comes Bimeby

The clouds are dark, an’ the wind blows chill,

     An’ a frown spreads o’er the sky;

A sigh goes up from vale an’ hill,

     But the sun comes out bimeby.

     Yes, the sun comes out bimeby;

     An’ he dries each tear-dimmed eye.

             An’ he makes us own

                   That we’ve all done wrong,

             That our wailin’ tone

                   Should have been a song,

     That he never hides his head for aye,

     That he always comes along bimeby.

     Our hearts are sad an’ the future’s gray,

             An’ we don’t know what to try;

     We do not care if we go or stay,

             But a hope springs up bimeby.

     Yes, a hope springs up bimeby,

     An’ it tells us not to sigh.

             An’ it makes us own

                   That we’ve all done wrong,

             That our wailin’ tone

                   Should have been a song,

     That it’s allus near both you an’ I,

     That it allus comes along bimeby.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Whatever your doubts may be in other directions, you kin depend on the church bell; it allus rings true.”

______

Getting on in Life

(Hand-made Letters from a City-made Son to His Home-made Father.)

Yours to time, Dad, and glad to note that you are still well and attending strictly to your three squares. I also note that your comment on my new acquisition – the pretty waiter whom I casually mentioned in my last – is conspicuous by its scarcity. But I can hardly blame you, because, of course, you haven’t seen her. Not yet. Probably you don’t take the matter seriously. Sometimes I wish I didn’t, and then again – well, she’s one of the kind you have to take seriously, Dad, or not at all.

You speak of vacations, and advise me to plan mine so as to be with you during the haying season. As a planner, Dad, you’ve got most city men beaten to a whipped cream puff.  You always told me to look out for the morrow, but looking ahead three months is going some for a quiet Captain of Agriculture. You also told me to make hay when the sun shines, but you are making hay during the wet season. It’s a long time ahead to plan for a vacation. You see we don’t know here from day to day what the boss’s plans are, and we wouldn’t want to do anything to upset them. The boss doesn’t like to have his plans upset – by us; it sort of upsets him, and then other things are likely to capsize. Besides, Dad, you’d be surprised to know how much I’ve forgotten about haying since I’ve been down here. I try and try to call certain things to mind, but they appear to be crowded out by business enlargements. You see, I’m putting a tremendous amount of study into my business career. You always said if a thing’s worth doing it’s worth doing well.

I take it the above applies to courting as well as to business. I am doing as well as I can as to both. A little encouragement in either helps. What’s the answer? Perhaps SHE would like to go up and help with the haying. Could you use two new hands – I mean four?

______

Maud in the Garden

Come into the garden, dear – there is a sweet unrest,

Love dreamed last night of violets, and now they’re on his breast.

                                      – Atlanta Constitution

Aye, come into the garden – while spring’s got on her rig;

Indulge not in poetic gust, but get a spade and dig.

                                      – Scranton Tribune

Yes, come into the garden – spring wears her greenest gown;

But when you plant the tender seeds, don’t get ‘em upside down.

– Cleveland Plain Dealer

Sure, come into the garden, and let me show you, Maud,

Right where I’ve sowed my lettuce those other Mauds have clawed.

______

He Knew, He Knew

Beacon – Politeness pays –

Hill – You have to pay to get it.

______

Prose and Truth

Hank Stubbs – Goin’ to take in any summer boarders this year, Bige?

Bige Miller – Yep, if they stop long enough.

______

Cheerful Comments

A fool and his money are soon spotted. – Puck. Then comes the break.

This moving is all right if you are dead sure it won’t be a bad one.

When the help are late on the morning of a big fire it is always because the cars were blocked.

Three lions, and two more. Isn’t there any restriction in Africa, or has the game warden ducked?

The cigarette is called a boy’s smoke, and now you know why so many men are trying to keep young.

Ever notice how a man will plume himself when a pretty girl takes a seat beside him in a car, in preference to some other seat, perhaps? And very likely she didn’t even notice him.

____________

May 7, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Funny Man

Some think the man who writes the jokes

     Is merry all the day;

And all he ever has to do

     Is write dull care away.

They seem to think he cannot help

     But write his joke or pun;

That he is living in a sphere

     Of never ending fun.

Apparently they think what joy

     ‘Twould be to dwell anear

This merry-natured creature who

     Lights up the atmosphere.

Who changes all from grave to gay

     And bubbles to the brim;

But let me tell you, one and all,

     Life is no joke with him.

He has a wife and children six,

     Who daily cry for bread;

He has to dig a living out

     Of his depleted head.

He’s usually in such a grouch

     Because his jokes won’t flow

The very air he breathes is blue,

     Or laden down with woe.

Ah, no; avoid the funny man

     You think so very cute;

Don’t risk your life – accept my word,

     He is an ugly brute.

And when the great white page is writ

     With names all purged from sin,

St. Peter’ll bar the funny man –

     His jokes won’t take him in.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“The most painful thing about a black eye is the doubt that hovers around the explanation.”

______

Cheerful Comments

That’s just like spring, to pucker up her lips for a kiss, then hand us a snowball!

Anyway, if you can’t afford an auto you can soon bump the bumps at the beaches.

No, strap hanging isn’t so fatal as the other kind, but sometimes it’s nearly as painful.

Time was when you could distinguish a lady friend of yours ahead of you on the street, but not now.

When a man begins to make flowery speeches, it’s up to the woman in the case to nip them in the bud. – Chicago News. Leave it to the fairest flower of them all to do the nipping.

______

Not the Proper Outfit

A scissor grinder stuck his head in the horse editor’s door and queried: “Anything you want sharpened today?”

“Nothing but our wits,” answered the funny man.

“I have only a soft stone with me today,” explained the scissor grinder.

______

A Round Up

The following quotation and answer is from a Farmingdale (S.D.) paper called “The Gimlet,” and judging from the paper’s breeziness it is doubtful if “The Gimlet’s” readers ever find it a bore:

“Father’s takin’ down the stove,

     Swearin’ like to bust;

Mothers chasin’ him around

     With a pan of dust.

Maggie’s got the winders out.

     Cold as anything;

Sister’s dustin’ all the chairs –

     Gee – don’t mention spring!”

– Boston Herald

______

Come out here, poetic Dude,

     Chase our Steers awhile;

You’ll get back to Boston then

     With a happy smile.

The only “dustin’” you will know

     Out here on the Range,

Happens with a mild Broncho –

     The Cowboy makes the change.

______

A Short Tale

Hungry Hank – Kind lady, I wuzzn’t always what you see me now. I have a past –

Aunt Peggie – Pass it along to father; he’s out there by the woodpile.

______

Redeemed

Hank Stubbs – Piper’s son is doin’ big things on the college team.

Bige Miller – Glad on’t; never ‘mounted to much on his father’s team.

Scarcity of Brain Food

Mackerel 65 cents apiece, and scarcer than the proverbial hen’s teeth at that. If the average housewife has got any argument to put up against the provider’s shouldering a trout pole and plunging into mountain fastnesses now is the time to shake it out. Brain food must be had at all costs, and the blithe city angler who whips the unresponsive rural streams is going to secure it no matter what its cost. Trout always comes high regardless of which way they come, and now the mackerel is trying to follow suit. Evidently there are not many left of the old school.

______

The Game of Hearts

Judging from the number of breach of promise cases now in the public eye hearts must have been handed around pretty freely of late. A man will take the best of care of his patent leathers or his new umbrella, but will leave his heart around in careless places, often going off and forgetting it entirely. It can be readily seen that he doesn’t place as much value on it as does the finder. Men going round with their hearts on their sleeves would save themselves trouble if they would pay more attention to the fastening.

______

Rod and Reel Woe

Good days they come,

     Good days they go;

We’re feeling bum,

     And full of woe.

They’re catching fish,

     Way down in Maine;

We sit and wish

     And wish in vain.

“The ice is out,”

     And all that trash;

Why we’ve a grout’ –

     We’re out of cash!

____________

May 8, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Playing Together

We played together, you and I,

     Where fields were green in May;

Where bobolink and merry thrush,

Awoke the early morning hush,

     And called us out to play.

We played together, and the days

     As one sweet dream flew past;

The whisp’ring fields, or thrush’s strain

Told nothing of the morrow’s pain,

     That joy could aught but last.

We played together on the stage,

     Crude amateurs we;

We played the youthful lovers’ parts,

With more than mimic in our hearts,

     At least ‘twere so with me.

And now upon the stage of life

     Together still we play;

Though real the joy, and real the pain,

We would not court the mimic strain

     Of that far distant day!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“It ain’t no wuss fur a man to hide his light under a bushel than fur a womun to hide her head under what practically amounts to the same thing.”

______

Street Primer

See the street car Conductor.

He is just about to start through the Car to collect his Fares. How lordly he looks. He would be a good Subject for a Sculptor. He says, “Fares, please!” You can hear “Fares,” but you can’t hear “please.” Someone has offered him a Canadian dime. He looks Haughty, and will not take it. The person has now handed him five Pennies. Isn’t he mean? The Company won’t take Pennies from the Conductor, nor will it take Canadian money. It will take new Bills if they are tied up with a Blue Ribbon.

The Conductor is between two fires, the Company and the Public, and if he gets too near either Fire he gets Fired. When the Conductor makes that Loud Noise he is calling out the Streets, but you would never think so. You would imagine he was trying his Voice so as to get an Auctioneer’s license. His Voice is very Trying; so is his Job. He has to tell People, who don’t know Where they want to Go, how to get there.

The Conductor or cannot Knock down, but has to take all kinds of Knocks himself.

(P.S. If the Conductor should do all the Company requires him to do, and all that the Public wants him to do, he’d go to an asylum at the end of his first Trip.)

______

Homeward Bound

I wait a little bounding boat,

     A tiny craft far out at sea;

A fair and winged bird afloat,

     And she belongs to me.

She comes from distant isles afleet,

     Beneath the white-capped skies above;

Her name is like herself, full sweet,

     For she was christened “Love.”

______

Pavement Philosophy

High steppers are in danger of losing lots of time.

When real spring steps in it also gets into the step.

Don’t be as slow as molasses nor quite as quick as powder.

Two things you should never borrow – money or trouble; especially trouble.

Because there’s no fool like an old fool doesn’t excuse the young fool any.

What if life is a grind, isn’t grinding for the purpose of sharpening things?

Let a little grass grow under your feet lest it too soon grow over your grave.

Straws show which way the current runs. They also show which way the wind blows.

______

Latest Report

The Kiosk on the Common prom’

          Is not, as someone thinks,

A modern mystery brought from

          The silent land of Sphinx.

______

Her Ways Are Many

“I want Henry to feel I really love him.”

“Then why not box his ears?”

______

Perhaps Both

Beacon – Divorce is too easy.

Hill – You mean marriage.

______

Indeed

“Better the day, better the deed,”

Why wouldn’t that

Be just as pat

     So countless people say;

     If turned the other way?

Why wouldn’t it

Be just as fit

     To say:

“Better the deed, better the day?”

______

Look Out and Up

If your enemy is an airship man

       You’d best keep out of view;

For there’s no denying,

That when he’s flying

       He’s got the drop on you.

____________

May 9, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Post Card Craze

Perchance you’ve been in riots,

     Mayhap all through the “haze”;

But naught you’ve seen can equal

     The

post

card

craze.

No matter where you journey,

     No matter where you gaze;

You’ll see excitement royal –

       The

post

card

craze.

It litters up the parlor,

     It takes cash hard to raise

To keep up with the others,

       The

post

card

craze.

But, say, it’s mighty pleasant,

     With friends in far-off ways,

To have them keep a-going

       The

post

card

craze.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Were the truth spoken at all times some folks would furgit the art uv conversation.”

______

Cheerful Comments

Perhaps now he wasn’t born tired; it is an easy acquisition.

Dandelion parties have taken the places of some of the afternoon whist tournaments.

Be sure you are right, but it isn’t necessary to shout it with a brass band accompaniment.

The average woman is willing her husband should do anything her big brother does.

Did you ever notice how attentive a woman hater is to a girl if there are no other men in sight?

Very few women are proud because their husbands smoke; a great many of them try to impress you that they are.

It is no sign that the other fellow believes your whole story because he shakes his head in the affirmative.

Once in a while you will find a woman who will allow an agent to step in and talk, not because she intends buying anything, but to learn what the neighbors are buying.

______

The Talker

You’ll note the man who talks too much is always working round; he never seems to hold the job which someone else has found for him because he’s bound to keep his tongue upon the wag, and spend his boss’ precious time in self-bouquets and brag. He stays until his story’s told, and then told once again, and by this time the boss’ ear is over-full of pain, and he is told to take his grip, although the boss feels sad, because he’s lost his other grip upon the job he had. And yet he never, never learns, but talks his jobs away, because the habit’s grown on him that he must have his say. And so he talks until he dies, up to his waning breath; he’s talked his chances all away, and talked himself to death.

______

Future Occupation

I want to be an angel,

     An angel by and by,

And take my proper station

     Up yonder in the sky.

But if it makes no diff’rence

     With the wise plans of God,

I’d rather drop the music

     And hold a fishing rod.

______

Reward

Hank Stubbs – The Morleys are goin’ to hev a phonygraft, ain’t they?

Bige Miller – Yep; Hamp said he’d put on in ef Mandy’d give up tryin’ to play the pianner.

______

Isn’t It Always So?

This conversation with the stars

          My bosom with resentment fills;

In case we get to talk with Mars

          The pa’s have got to pay the bills.

____________

May 10, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Stranger Within

Ten thousand faces on the street,

     And not one face I know;

Ten thousand souls I daily meet,

     Whene’er I come or go.

Ten thousand hearts, both grave and gay,

     All moving here or there;

Ten thousand people on their way,

     And only God knows where.

Ten thousand lights to shed their rays

     Upon the city’s night;

Ten thousand joys within her ways,

     But none for me in sight.

For O, this endless stream of life,

     Which others live to bless,

Where life and gayety are rife,

     Adds to my loneliness.

Ten thousand hopes dashed to the earth,

     To moulder with the years;

Ten thousand miles from land of birth,

     Ten thousand idle tears.

And yet, the souls both grave and gray,

     They neither know nor care;

Ten thousand still upon their way,

     And only God knows where.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Sometimes when a feller don’t know which side uv the fence to take he decides by goin’ up a tree.”

______

More of Maud

Maud Muller on a summer day

Raked the meadow sweet with hay.

Then chugged the judge upon the scene

And scented things with gasoline.

– Puck.

He courting came – there was no doubt;

He said, “Oh, share my runabout!”

But when of him sweet Maud did sport,

He fined her for contempt of court!

– Cleveland Plain Dealer

He sped with her adown the lane –

She begged him to his speed restrain;

And when he asked her why, quoth she:

“You’re just a bit too fast for me.”

______

Cheerful Comments

Sometimes a toast means a roast.

You can lead a girl to the fountain, but you can’t very well ask her to drink water.

With a straw hat on top and a strawberry shortcake inside – well, who cares a straw about dull times?

What good will the Tolsoi’s play of five nights long do the fellow who can’t raise the price for one night?

If they keep adding holidays there may yet be more truth than poetry in the old phrase that “every day’ll be Sunday by and by.”

There seems to be a little jealousy on the part of some of the other states over the fact that Connecticut is the possessor of a few wildcats. Great Nimrod! Can’t they let the Nutmeggers have their percentage of this jungle excitement?

______

A Lay to a Layer

It has been proved

     The measly hen

Can do more work

     Than seven men.

To her sweet soul,

     In view of that,

I kindly doff

     My garden hat.

In half an hour

     She’ll scratch away

The plantings of

     A half a day.

____________

May 11, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Too Good

A baroness, both beautiful

     And very talented,

Has just divorced her mate because

     He was too good, she said.

He was so nice in every way

     He r’iled her spicy mood;

He irritated her each day

     He was so awful good.

If he would only use bad words,

     If he would chew or smoke;

If he would only stay out nights,

     Or spring some shady joke,

But no, he would do none of that,

     He wouldn’t e’en be rude;

And so she could not stay at home

     With one so awful good.

Say not again this world of ours

     Is going bad, my friend;

This action of the baroness

     Proves just the other trend.

In fact the danger seems to be,

     And wives ne’er thought it would,

That man, the brute of other days,

     Has grown a bit too good.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Pieplant by any other name would make just as good rhubu’b pies.”

______

Cheerful Comments

Even the days of the lion are numbered.

With some folks the new spelling has had its spell.

The stage hero may act the villain between the acts.

Men who have taken them off too soon have soon been taken off.

May snows have no effect on the June rose. – Cleveland Leader.

The delight in owning property is severely jostled on the appearance of the tax bill.

As regards men or animals, the snapshot is less fatal than bullets or buckshot, but to the pocketbook it’s a toss-up.

If the seeds in the suburbanite’s garden don’t come up well it won’t be because he hasn’t given them all the assistance possible.

______

Shooting the Shoots

Up from the jungle rich with junk,

Clear in the cool of the May-time punk,

The rhino came with an awful roar,

Straight for the doughty Theodore.

“Halt!” But the rhino came on fast,

“Fire!” Out blazed the rifle blast.

It shivered the rhino, head and foot,

At 14 paces, and killed the brute.

All day long through jungleland

Sounded the tread of the mighty band.

“Who punctures a beast of me ahead,

Dies like a dog! March on,” he said.

Up rose the younger hunter then,

And pointed his camera at the men.

“Shoot no more shots without my permit;

Wait till I’ve shot,” cried young Kermit.

______

The Query Box

A. F. L. – You are in error about the Pop concerts. They are for mothers just as much as for anybody. Pop has a cinch on a good many things about town, but not on these popular concerts. The word “pop” is a composite one. There are various kinds of popping done there. Besides, the feature itself is very “pop,” you know.

Dear Jocosity – Which do you like best, baseball or a fishball? – Fish Fan. Of course, you mean “better.” You are a little balled up in your English. Your question isn’t very well put, and is therefore hard to answer. If you had said “a” baseball, or had said “baseballs or fishballs,” it would have been easy to have made hash of your question at once. You know very well that any one would rather see a game of baseball than a game of fishball, but if it comes to a question of eating, one would prefer fishballs to baseballs. Jocositiy might say, however, that he would like to see a game of baseball played with fishballs, if he could see it from a safe distance.

______

Up and Doing

“All comes to him

     Who will but wait”;

This old-time truth

     Is out of date.

To prosper now,

     And get your share,

You’ve got to dig,

     And dig for fair.

______

Sceptical

“You are the first man who ever kissed me.”

“Gee! What are the other fellows, brutes or boys?”

______

When It’s Passe

Beacon – It takes courage to wear a straw hat the first time.

Hill – I think it takes more to wear it the last time.

______

May’s Reason

Miss May has got to be just fine,

          As fine as May can be,

Else June would take from her the shine,

          And that would hurt, you see.

______

New Spelling

D – o – g spells “dog,”

    C – a – t spells “cat”;

But h – a – i – r,

    That spells “rat.”

______

Grist of Material

What would the paragrapher’ve done,

        How could he sparkle still,

Were it not for the loads of fun

        Found in the tariff bill?

____________

May 12, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Hard Times

Hard Times is always waitin’ jest beyend the sunny slope,

Always waitin’ round to catch you when you’re out of faith an’ hope.

You wanter stock with sunshine, with a willin’, strong right hand;

No matter where you meet him then, you jest kin make a stand.

     Hard Times may be around you,

              May darken store or mart;

     Don’t let him whack an’ pound you,

              Jest sing him from your heart.

     Hard Times don’t like your singin’,

              It makes him dance and smart;

     Jest keep your times a-ringin’

              An’ drive him from your heart.

Hard Times will try to down you if he gits a decent show;

He likes to ketch you nappin’ when you’re handicapped with woe.

Don’t let him see you’re frightened, but jest look him in the eye;

He will tire of bein’ hoodwinked an’ will leave you by an’ by.

     Hard Times may try’n’ surround you,

              An’ load you in his cart;

     Don’t let him e’er confound you,

              But sing him from yur heart.

     Hard Times can’t stand your singin’,

              Your music makes him smart;

     Jest keep your bow a-swingin’,

              An’ play him from your heart.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Complainin’, ez a stiddy diet, will give you indergestion in your thinkin’ apparatus, an’ rob you uv the friends who would like to stick by you ef they on’y could.”

______

The Query Box

No, Alonzo, the little brick-red pagoda on Lafayette Mall is not to be a soda fountain, no matter how much it may resemble one, nor is it to be a ticket booth for the purpose of charging entrance fees to the Common. Such a charge would be very un-Bostonese and would doubtless be fired out of existence. Its “Common” name is “The Kiosk,” and the thing come from the department of agriculture. It is to be a weather mixer – not a breeder, understand – and Boston’s seven kinds of weather will be increased to 14. Heretofore our weather has been mixed at Blue Hill, and now, if you will notice, that famous knob is already turning green with envy.

______

Your Humorous Friend

If he is worth while as a speaker it is proper to introduce him to the after-dinner crowd as a straight out and out humorist, but if he’s the least bit scaly, or is apt to break out, it is just as well to introduce him merely as a yumorist.

______

A Change in Fashion

I don’t care much for the canal,

     Nor ‘bout the ships that fly;

The tariff bill don’t worry me,

     Although it may bimeby.

But one thing I would like to know –

     ‘Fore which all questions pale –

How can I have my ol’ frock coat

     Cut to a swaller tail?

______

Chaff

A grist of wheat

    Is s’posed to fatten;

But we repeat,

    ‘Twon’t fatten Patten.

______

Cheerful Comments

Albanian rising reported. How the spring feeling does spread!

A notch on the gun for each lion, and he’s got a dozen guns. Whew!

Beauty may be only skin deep, but it’s a great joy considering the thinness.

The Common will be more uncommon than ever when the new kiosk gets to working.

It would be interesting to know sometimes the distance a far-fetched joke has travelled.

He is a rare youngster nowadays who will drop the baseball bat long enough to bring in an armful of wood.

The festive New York Sun recently contained an article on “the mule as a money raiser.” If there is anything on earth the mule can’t raise we would like to hear about it.

The married man doesn’t always get the worst of it. For instance, it is usually the married man who gets the teaching a young girl to swim. – Free Press. Yes, but it’s always the single man who saves her when she’s about to drown.

______

Pathetic

“The funniest thing I ever saw,” said the little man, “was a fellow trying to have the last word with a street car conductor.”

“I saw something funnier than that,” said the man with the beetling eyebrows; “‘twas a bald-headed man demonstrating a hair tonic.”

______

Feminine Nature

Dame Nature moves with rapid strides,

          And pleasing now her springtime talks.

Peach blossoms dot her country sides,

          While baskets dot her city walks.

____________

May 13, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

What is It?

You may talk about the dishes which the gods serve passing well,

Also sing about the nectars which the bees sip in the dell;

You may laud the foreign dainties which the foreign chefs prepare,

I can mention one excelling anything from anywhere.

It is baked within the oven and is opened, steaming hot,

And a chunk of golden butter is inserted in the slot;

It is crowned with crimson jewels swathed in lumps of luscious cream,

It is like a hill of rubies rising from a crystal stream.

I could sing and sing forever of this wondrous dish supreme;

Of the berries and the butter, of the cake and of the cream;

I could name it, but I will not, it would only make you sore;

So I will curb my pen instanter and go out and get some more.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Whether a bird in the hand is wuth two in the bush depends altergether on the bird.”

______

Diggers All

The country chap

     Now makes a pass

And digs from the earth

     His garden sass.

The city man,

     By hook or crook

He digs it from

His pocket book.

______

Keep Easy

Don’t worry, boys, about those suits,

  Although they stick like fun;

Hot summer days are far away,

  For spring has scarce begun.

Don’t watch the slow old calendar,

  Nor at the season scoff;

The funny men will let you know

  Just when to take them off.

______

On the Desert Air

Mrs, Buzzy – I’d like to give that janitor a piece of my mind.

Mr. Buzzy – Don’t do it; you see how he neglects everything around here, don’t you?

______

Apologies to the Purple Cow

Although it’s bound to raise our ire

  Each time we hear or see one,

There’s this about the poor umpire:

  We’d rather see than be one.

______

No Modern Scores for Him

“No sir-ee, you can’t tell me anything about modern baseball,” said old man Wiser, “I don’t want to see none of your up-to-date games played with boxin’ gloves on, an’ with their measly one or two runs, no sir-ee. Why, when I use to play baseball we made somewhere round 40 to 50 runs; if we didn’t we didn’t consider we was doin’ much. What’s the use in playin’ for such a small score? No-siree, I’d ruther spend my time goin’ fishin’.”

______

He Knows, He Knows

Mrs. Beacon – Edward, Edward, our little daughter has got the artistic temperament!

Mr. Beacon – I can see trouble ahead.

______

Horse Sense

“Money makes the mare go,”

          Saying old and coltish;

When she’s wasted all your dough

          Ain’t it rather joltish?

____________

May 14, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Shina Da Shoe

Da girla she come evra day,

She smila each time as she say:

     “Tomasso, I wanta da shine,

     You do eet so awfulla fine,

I hope you are wella today.”

She jump in da chair lika sprite

She nica, so pretta, polite;

     I bow an’ I blush,

     I taka my brush

An’ pulla da cutain so tight.

I lika for shina her shoe,

She wear da peeka-da-boo;

     No lika for shina da man

     He weara da bigga brogan,

An’ taka long time for to do.

She worka da styleesh beeg store,

She counta da mon’ from each floor-

     She tipa me too,

     For shina her shoe,

An’ smila good-by at da door.

Weesh I was reech ‘Merican chap,

I maka love for her perhap;

     But I only Dago,

     For shina shoe so

I gotta but “ha ha” weeth slap!

I lika for shina her shoe,

Her stocka ees soft pala blue;

     No lika for shina da man,

     He weara da bigga brogan,

No smila nor tipa me too.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“I dunno which is the wust, to be so rich you can’t sleep or be so poor you’ve got no place to sleep, but, uv course, the av’rige pusson would rather take the rich man’s chances.”

______

A Warning

The trouble is with maidens all,

     You buy for them a sundae,

They are not satisfied to quench

     Their thirst by drinking one day,

The want another just as much

     If you should meet them Monday;

So you had best not start them with

     A sundae on a Sunday.

______

Cheerful Comments

If the dust would blow only in the bad man’s eye, but it dost not.

You can’t see any possible connection between a joy rider and a strap-hanger.

Of course, if all freakish actions were the results of bets it would be different, but they are not.

Close observation verifies the report that the end-seater is moving over more numerously than in past years.

Let’s see, Abdul Hamid used to be called “the sick man.” Bet he was playing sick in order to keep those 500 pianos still.

It must trouble the restaurant frequenter who always said, “O, bring me an oyster stew,” to know what to order.

One good feature about the 1920 fair, it gives a fellow a chance to save up a little change for the side shows.

______

Concerning Bores

Who of all the pests on earth

          That fill our lives with woe –

Think it over and tell us – who

Is the most tiresome bore you know?

– Scranton Tribune.

We would hate to ask our wife

          That same question; we would fear

She’d reply, “Don’t ask me, I

          Hate to hurt your feelings, dear.”

– Houston Post.

Bores? They’re legion, but of all

          Others, we vote for the wight

Who inquires, “How do you

          Think up all the stuff you write?”

– Cleveland Leader.

Then, again, there is the moke

          Who, from his exhaustless store,

Always hands you some old joke

          You’ve heard a million times before.

– Bangor News.

Brother, do not call them pests,

          Or lecture them with words so solemn.

If ‘twere not for their ancient jests

          How could you ever fill your column?

– Chicago Tribune.

O, fellows, after joke and rap,

          You haven’t hit it, you must own;

He is that gimlet natured chap

          Who always augers for a loan.

______

Getting on in Life

(Hand-made Letters from a City-made Son to His Home-made Father.)

Well, dad, a good deal has happened since I wrote you last, and with it the unexpected. You know I am something of a baseball fan – “crank” they vulgarly call it up home – and thinking so hard over it last Saturday morning I became suddenly ill and attended a double-header later in the day. I might have got by all right, but while I was rooting my loveliest I looked round and there, only two benches below me, was the boss with his cold spotlight fastened on my open countenance. I couldn’t duck, and I sat it out, but the game had no more interest for me. It’s strange what association will do to a man. I didn’t like his eye, and all through the game my mind kept reverting to the work stacked up in the office.

Monday morning I called round early to get my personal effects and my G. B. “G. B.” isn’t a degree, dad, neither is it a recommendation. It’s an abbreviation for “the hylo,” or “grand bounce.” As a bouncer the boss lacks nothing to be desired. It was over so quickly as to be absolutely painless. He would make a simplified spelling artist. Of course, I can see now that I shouldn’t have been ill on Saturday, should have postponed it to Sunday, but you always said, dad, “nothing ventured, nothing gained.” I ventured, but the gain wasn’t forthcoming. Still, I don’t hold you responsible, as some fellows would do.

I haven’t told her, dad, nor shall I until I have gone the old job one better. There is considerable doing here, and I’m going out on a tour of investigation tomorrow. I’ve got about two weeks’ salary to fall back on, and trust the fall won’t be a heavy one. Don’t worry about me, dad; I’ll let you know all right if I don’t succeed. The national game isn’t exactly a gambling one, and yet –. Yours for the still hunt.

______

A Bad Overdose

Hank Stubbs – Bill Hines is laid up with roomertiz, ain’t he?

Bige Miller – Nope, with the cure.

Hank Stubbs – With the cure, how’s that?

Bige Miller – Fetched home two quarts at once.

______

Watch ‘Em

Beacon – The way those fellows carry on makes me tired!

Hill – Why, what have they been carrying off?

____________

May 15, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Some people who think they are in the social scale are on’y on the hay scales.”

______

Cheerful Comments

The tired city man can soon resort.

The first mosquito came in with the first straw hat.

One of the signs of the times is every-present: Keep Off.

He may not have had a raise of salary, he may just be looking for aeroplanes.

The man who has a full set of Dickens likes to have you refer to his library.

The call of the wild is loud, but when wild answers wild the noise is something more than talking tariff.

The simple life idea received a severe jolt a few days ago when a Newton man was arrested for sleeping in a natural cave.

“Anyway,” murmured the summer girl, “I can, without criticism, b hugged to my heart’s content in the arms of the dear old ocean.”

______

D-w-t-l!!

It’s easy enough to be pleasant

     When life flows on like a dream;

When you have an abundance of leisure

     To float along with the stream.

But when you are in a big hurry,

     And the train went prompt at 10:10,

And you made it exactly 10:11,

          I say, old fellow, what then?

______

Street Primer

See the Professor!

He is the gentleman with the Blank look. He is going to his Classes. His feet are in one part of the world, while his Mind is in another, but his Feet will take him where he wants to go, regardless of his Mind. He has been over the Ground a good many times.

The Professor may have a Vacant look, but he has no Room to Let. Ask him to Talk on his Favorite subject and he will do so without Urging. He is a kindly old gentleman. He may Frown like a Thundercloud, but you couldn’t Hire him to Strike an Attitude. His coat may be seedy, but his Mind is not. His tongue is Still, but his brain is a moving picture show. He doesn’t know the Latest shades of ties, but he has always reached his Destination. He can’t draw a check for a Million, but he Rests well at night.

Smile on the Professor, Little One, when you meet him; it will do him Good. It will also do you Good.

(P.S. You can’t tell by the Looks of a Toad how far he can jump, but you know the Professor is what he Professes.)

______

The Law

They call it the unwritten law,

     But, then, I doubt it;

For every day or so it seems

     We’re forced to read about it.

– Free Press

Beg pardon, but we think you err,

     For let it here be hinted

That what you read, poetic sir,

     Isn’t written, it is printed.

______

What Do You Know?

“Why is the suburbanite’s little patch called a garden of Eden?

“Give it up.”

“Because there’s so much eve. work about it.”

______

The Young Carpenter

The price of nails has been reduced,

          Pray, now, be calmer,

And give the baby half a peck,

          Also a hammer.

______

Do a Good Job

“Life is what we make it,”

     Saying old and mellow;

Life is what we make it

     For the other fellow.

____________

May 16, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Sonnet to My Straw Hat

(contributed by the Office Boy)

How glad I am to see my hat once more,

     Although I wore the same a year ago,

     And it ain’t new no more, and looks as though

It had seen better days, the one I wore

All winter long and spring looks more than sore.

     The change in fashion comes all right for me,

     ‘Cause when I have to buy a new one, see,

It’s time to bring last season’s to the fore.

Gee! But I’ll have to have it blocked, I guess,

     And whitened up a bit; I never thunk

     It looked so awful much upon the punk,

Which means half a dollar, more or less.

     But that ain’t overmuch if I can reach

     A passable impression at the beach.

______

Uncle Ezra Says

“You will notice gen’ly thet the man who pays ez he goes hez a good many spells uv bein’ tired.”

______

Cheerful Comments

Killing two birds with one stone is a fairy tail mostly.

By the way, who is, or was, this Crazy Snake person, anyway?

Did you ever notice how well straw hats look on some one else?

If this weather doesn’t strike you favorably, you are an awfully good dodger.

If the policemen have a daily paper, will it make any difference with their sleeping hours?

If the fellows who are down in Maine taking good strings would only keep their reports to themselves!

Is there anything prettier for the child than taking a swan boat ride in the garden, or anything more delightful – for the parent?

______

If They Don’t Watch Out

Where, O where were the native guides?

A tanning should cover their dusky hides

     For making so sorry an bungle;

Lions to the left of them,

Lions to the right of them,

Lions and bogey men

Ever in sight of them,

And Kermit, young Kermit

Lost out in the jungle!

______

Rural Reputation

Hank Stubbs – What’s his princerpul bid fur fame, anyhow?

Bige Miller – I dunno, ‘less ‘twuz when that four dollar hoss wuz knocked down to him fur thirty-five.

____________

May 17, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Lizzard Crick in May

O come with me to “Lizzard Crick,”

     Such haunting days as these!

And loiter in her sun-lit smiles,

     And breathe her joy and ease.

She’s never quite so full of charm,

     And things a soul adores,

As when May spreads her robe of green

     Along her winding shores.

Her face has turned from gray to blue,

     And dimples in the sun;

She has a welcome smile for you,

     And me and everyone.

She beckons at the close of day,

     Again at early morn;

And knows I’ll answer to her call

     Before the May has gone.

O come with me to “Lizzard Crick,”

     And bask beneath her smiles;

I fain would share with you her peace,

     Her waywardness and wiles.

She’s never quite so full of life,

     So rich in tuneful lays,

As when May spreads her robe of green

     Along her winding ways.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“It’s doubtful ef the man who hez a good deal to be thankful fur would be any more thankful ef he hed a good deal more.”

______

Behind the Times

“I was once a barefoot boy!” shouted the prize elocutionist, who was just graduated from a female school of expression.

“My, my!” ejaculated the little old man from way out, rubbing his eyes, “but they be doin’ some wonderful things in these here modern schools, sure enough.”

______

Target Practice

The whitewash brush and the garden spade are both togged out for their spring parade. – Baltimore Sun.

And the hand that wields them skin doth lack, as it reaches toward an aching back. – Indianapolis News.

And if they work with their usual speeds, they’ll soon be buried with new spring weeds.

______

Uncle Jim’s Experience

“I heerd it was lucky,” said Uncle Jim Ross,

“To pick up a shoe thet come off frum a hoss;

So I looked up an’ down till I nearly went blind,

But nary a hoss-shoe could ever I find.

“One day I went into a shop by the way,

An’ there by the forge did a hoss-shoe lay;

‘Now here is my luck,’ I said, feelin’ grand,

But pickin’ it up I ‘bout roasted my hand.”

______

A Watchful Memory

“There’s no time like the present,” said the father, pointing to the idle lawn mower.

“There’s no present like the time,” muttered the small boy, thinking of the dollar watch promised him the year before.

______

Cheerful Comments

Two lions in the jungle are worth one at the taxidermist.

The umbrella and the felt hat were put away too soon.

Where is the bald-headed girl of yester year? And the echo answers: “Under.”

Some people live wrong end to; they spend twice as much on their feet as on their heads.

Looking for the North or South poles isn’t anything compared with putting your hands on the fish poles.

The New York Sun says “flounders are running.” They have queer goings on round Gotham, anyway. Our flounders swim.

Bostonians are prepared to wager a doughnut that Dr. Eliot’s Rising Sun decoration isn’t as shiny as the sacred codfish, – Plain Dealer. Yes, or a pot of beans.

______

The Query Box

Dear Jocosity: AS you seem to be a crackerjack at answering questions, so that the inquirer won’t know any more about them than he did before, I would like to propound the one. Where does the crease in one’s trousers go when it goes out? – Tech. Jocosity is surprised that a person connected with an institution like yours should ask so simple a question. It is indeed high time a chair was established promoting the study of “Mysterious Disappearances.” For your immediate information he would explain that the trouser crease moves in, drawn by the natural warmth and magnetism of the body. Day by day you will note that the crease decreases, while the rotundity of the trouser leg increases. Then the crease artist is sought, and under the weight of the hot flat you will notice the crease being brought back again. The flat is so much hotter than the body that the crease is forced from the inside to the outside, where the crease again increases.

______

Caught in the Act

Beacon – It’s time we had some big political changes, those fellows ought to be put out.

Hill – I’ll do all I can for you, old man.

______

Graduate Lambs

And though the teacher turns them out,

          In thousands every year,

Each term to come you’ll see about

          Ten times the list appear.

____________

May 18, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Nature Man

Folks said he warn’t of much account

     Jest kind o’ puttered round,

An’ took up space that re’lly b’longed

     To others on the ground.

They said he’d re’lly never done

     Enough to claim a hold

On life, an’ still he kept along,

     While other folks grew old.

But ef they wanted shrub or vine,

     Some spec’mans rare or new,

Out in the woods they went to him,

     He knew jest where it grew.

Or ef they speshly wanted clams,

     The choicest ones, an’ big,

They allus ast uv him becuz

     Hey knew just where to dig.

He knew the name uv ev’rything

     Thet grew out uv the ground;

But still they said he warn’t no good

     ‘Cept jest to putter round.

They said he’d die where he begun,

     Starvation’d be his end;

But all the birds an’ all the beasts

     Knew him to be their friend.

Somehow I allus felt that he

     Wuz greater than they said;

That mebbie God app’inted him

     To lead the life he led.

He never shone in arts or war,

     Nor preached a sermon grand,

But allus loved his feller men,

     An’ brutes would lick his hand.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Most allus it’s the bullfrog’s voice thet gits him into trouble.”

______

The Query Box

Faithful – Why is a rubber plant? Nobody has found out yet.

Jerseyside – Why are you so averse to peach baskets? Because they seldom contain peaches.

Mrs. L. – What is your opinion of suffrage? Take it or let it alone.

______

Cheerful Comments

The heavier than air machine is coming. – Headline. By freight?

Are you doing anything for the 1909 movement? If not, you better move.

The law helps those who help themselves. – Puck. And it has to help those who refuse to help themselves.

The fisherman didn’t begin to fill the space that the hunter does, although he was a good deal bigger man.

How will those 400 treetoads imported from Germany help the average American on weather predictions when he doesn’t understand a word of German?

______

Worried

If Suffrage won

     In course of time,

What can be done

     With that old rhyme?

I’d like to know

     My peace to keep,

Will women hoe,

     And men folks weep?

______

On Ege

In the Senate he said, “Now I can’t

Understand why you wrangle and rant,

          For a razor you see

          Does not interest me,

We’ve no use for such things in Nahant.”

          Dorchester.                     H. E. F.

______

Fancy Farming

Beacon – Has the baron any resources?

Hill – Nothing except the old estate. But his fiancée is rich, you know.

Beacon – I see; she is about to reclaim a baron waste.

______

Hint to Tariff Tinkers

“Pa, who is the ultimate consumer?”

“The evil one, I guess.”

____________

May 19, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Good Times

Good times they are comin’,

     Don’t stand in their way;

Git onto the curbstone,

     An’ give ‘em full sway.

Don’t block up the traffic,

     Don’t hinder their pace;

Good times they are comin’,

     Make way for the race!

Good times they are comin’,

     Push, push on behind;

Don’t scowl at the pageant,

     Be cheerful an’ kind.

Encourage the drummin’

     With smiles on your face;

Good times they are comin’,

     Make way for the race!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Some folks put in so much time tryin’ to read between the lines thet they lose the best part uv the story.”

______

Cheerful Comments

Never mind; flies and mosquitoes are taking back seats, too.

Only one kind of fan has been needed at the ball games thus far.

There isn’t much difference in talking in one’s sleep from talking through one’s hat.

A courageous Baltimoreian has erected a statue to Adam. Rather odd Eve doesn’t figure in it some way.

For fellows who have really accomplished something the Wright brothers don’t appear to be the least up in the air.

Anna Held has cleaned up $1,000,000 in 12 years on Broadway. Evidently Anna abandoned her milk baths, and has held onto her box office returns with unusual stage realism.

Don’t you think it would be nice to live on a cake of ice? – Baltimore Sun. ‘Twould suit we uns round the Hub, could we have it broiled, bub.

______

Rhymers and Deceivers Ever

 It is so easy to sit down and write a string of rhyme that often poets are hard put to get some prose in time; they’ve dwelt so long with mother muse that prose is very shy, and when they try to round him up he merely winks his eye. So then they scratch their shaggy heads and think, and think, and think, and plunge their pencils thoughtlessly into the pot of ink. They bite their nails and tear their hair, and heave prodigious sighs, the while the fiendish printer man for “copy” loudly cries. And finally, with bulging eyes, in desperation’s throes, they take a bunch of easy rhyme and write it out as prose. They hope to fool the editor, and fool the readers too, but shame upon the poet skate, who such a thing would do.

______

A Plea

     A rainy May

     Makes lots of hay,

So farmers all declare;

     But zero Mays,

     In many ways,

Make people nearly swear.

     But hay or grass,

     We wish, alas!

Old winter’d go for fair;

     Thus people say,

     Who ‘tother day

Removed their underwear.

______

Two Too Many

“But I don’t want you to be a sister to me.”

“Why not?”

“It’s too expensive; I’ve got one at home now, and I know something about it.”

______

Heavily Armed

“That editor should be arrested for carrying a concealed weapon.”

“Lugs a six-shooter, I reckon?”

“Worse than that; a fountain pen.”

____________

May 20, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Birds and Fame

I’d often heard my father say

     That fame was like a fleeting bird;

That one could catch birds any day

     With salt upon their tails, I’d heard.

And so, with boyish zeal, I’d try

     To catch them thusly day by day;

Alas! When I approached they’d fly

     Up in the air and far away.

But fame, just fame, if ‘twere a bird,

     As I’d heard my father say,

I, with a lump of salt, inferred

     That I could catch it any day.

The years have come, the years have gone,

     To capture fame I always fail;

He wings into the air with scorn –

     The salt won’t stick upon his tail.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“The pusson who allus hez somethin’ up his sleeve ‘pears to enjoy himself till he hez to show his hand.”

______

Hail to the Toad

Word comes from Chicago that 2000 horned toads direct from Texas are going through a metalizing process at the Metallic Reproduction Company’s plant in Waukegan, to be made into hat pins. Thus does the insignificant toad come to the fore as an article of usefulness and ornamentation. Heretofore he has been known to fame only as a stopper of railroad trains, or as a menace to bare-headed Texans who were caught on a showery day without an umbrella. When toads come in showers they don’t all land on their feet, while their horns are apt to play hookey with anything with which they come in contact. Of course, the toads don’t hook purposely; they can’t help it, not knowing which end up they are going to land. Horned toads could also be used as handles for southern corkscrews, being symbolical as well as useful.

The old Saying, “the biggest toad in the puddle,” will now give way to “the biggest toad on the hat.” And the phrase, “feeling as big as a toad under a harrow,” will become more up tp date as thus: “Feeling as big as a toad on a beehive.” This fad opens up a new field which should at once be cultivated. For instance, a large surplus of any useless animals could be used in the same manner, and the variety would be large as well as interesting. In some countries the rabbit is a nuisance. Here is a chance to exterminate the rabbit at a profit, and an ordinary sized rabbit, metalized and fastened to the latest length of hat pin would only be in keeping with the proportion that the up-to-date headgear has assumed.

At this stage of the game but one obstacle can be seen to what bids fair to become a thriving industry, and that is the attitude of the brass and iron trusts. Just how they will view this intrusion upon their interests is awaited with anticipation.

______

A Local Tripper

The aeroplane thus far appears

          Like this, to doubting men:

It goes right up and turns around,

          And comes right down again.

______

Cheerful Comments

The lawn mower orchestra is now playing the full score.

There has been no commission appointed yet to investigate the Fishing Lie Trust.

If love makes the world go round that accounts for the dizziness that goes with other symptoms.

Cheer up, boys, after Anna Held really retires there will be a large number of years of farewell tours,

It’s hard to live within one’s salary, but there’s one consolation – it’s harder to live without it. – Chicago Record-Herald. Or somebody else’s.

At last has the old pirate Capt. Kidd got a rival in the hidden treasure business, a foeman worthy his steel; meaning, of course, Abdul Hamid.

Easy street, however, is neither the happiest nor the healthiest street in the world. – Puck. Yet everybody is walking up and down looking for a rent.

Dr. Mary Walker says chorus girls should wear more clothes, and the chorus girls say Mary should wear fewer, and the smoke still goes up the chimney.

______

Uncle Jim’s Recovery

Hank Stubbs – Ast Uncle Jim Ross what he wuz dewin’ fur posterity.

Bige Miller – What’d Uncle Jim say?

Hank Stubbs – Uncle Jim said he didn’t hev it no more; said it all left with thet last run o’ fever he hed.

____________

May 21, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Battle of 1909

If you see a man or woman

     With an axe rush through the house;

If you see them with a pistol

     Creeping quiet as a mouse;

If you see the servants skulking

     Round with murder in their eyes,

Do not run to get the policemen,

     They are merely after flies.

If you see the state militia

     Charging up a narrow street;

If you see a big policeman

     Leave his customary beat;

If you see the fire department

     Turning streams into the skies,

Do not think that Mars is burning,

     They are merely fighting flies.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

:It’s purty hard work gittin’ to the top, but them who hev be’n there say it’s harder work a-holdin’ on.”

______

Truth Crushed to Earth

One of the most unfortunate things of life is that men get into wrong places. Sometimes the fault is not their own. Possibly their attention has not been called to the fact by wiser men that they might be more successful at something else. For instance, a man who is a poor barber might be a success as a fish scaler. But here comes the danger that sometimes arises in speaking the truth. The writer was being operated on in a nearby barber shop, when between attacks he informed the mechanic that as a fish scaler he would probably make a great name for himself. But for the timely interference of the proprietor Father Jocosity might now be playing a little golden harp, with other retired humorists, instead of pounding a hideous old typewriter. It would seem that truth, if presented at all, must be handled by the long-distance process.

______

Street Primer

See the Reporter! What a big Nose he has. It is for News. The Reporter’s nose has to be Born and not Made. If he wasn’t born with a Nose for News he wouldn’t be a Reporter. Men with ordinary Noses can only be Editors or Publishers.

See his eagle Eye. He can see a Story where there is none. He can get material for filling Space out of Space. The Reporter is a Filler, and he can Fill better when he is Full. And he is always Full – of Fillers. He has an assignment now. He is going to interview a Captain of Industry. At first the Captain of Industry won’t be at home. But he can’t Fool the Reporter. The Reporter is different from the People in that respect. Then he will compromise by telling the Reporter that he has Nothing to Say, but the Reporter will see that he Says it, and more, too. If he doesn’t, the Reporter will Say it for him.

(P.S. – Always be Good to the Reporter. It is better to have him on your Side than on your past History.)

______

High Fliers

‘Tis not so strange

     The boys won out;

And got the change

     For which men shout.

The world admires

     A dashing flight;

They were high fliers,

     But flew a-Wright.

______

Cheerful Comments

A drop on the “bucket” wouldn’t be noticed at all.

The east wind is masculine – it refuses to change its mind.

There are always two sides to a question, but unfortunately one side is usually out of the question.

High ideas as a rule are not worth much, but if you have something good for the aeroplane you might dispose of it to good advantage.

Raising the price of pie in Chicago is cruelty to humanity. – Baltimore Sun. Rather a blessing. Our experience with Chicago pie still remains a nightmare.

It pays to get as high as you can. A man on the floor of a local theatre was struck on the head by a pair of opera glasses that fell from one of the balconies. Sometimes safety lies in roosting high.

______

So Discouraging

“There’s no satisfaction nowadays in telling a girl she’s pretty as a picture.”

“Why not?”

“She’ll tell you it’s a little speech you had all framed up.”

______

Looking For News

Hank Stubbes – I tell you, this town needs some kind uv fire service; what ef we had a rippin’ good fire once?

Bige Miller – We’d hev somethin’ tew talk about for six months.

______

The Chronic Doubter

“Chugger says his motor car is the greatest thing that ever happened.”

“Wait till something happens.”

____________

May 22, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Joy Killer

I kill for the sake of killing,

     And not for the needful meat;

My larder is stocked with the filling,

     I’ve plenty of drink and eat.

I kill for the sake of killing,

     I kill for the sake of the feat.

I kill because in the woodland,

     There are plenty of beasts to kill;

I would make of the barren a good land,

     I would clear it for market or mill;

I kill because in the woodland

     I can show my wonderful skill.

I kill for the joy of the killing,

     To see them stagger and fall;

The voice of the rifle is thrilling,

     The wild call answers to call.

I kill for the joy of the killing,

     And not for the larder at all.

______

Uncle Ezra Says

“Perhaps it would be jest ez well not to count your chickens till they hev got back frum scratchin’ up your neighbor’s new garden patch.”

______

Pavement Philosophy

The straw parade can’t be held back much longer.

It is a good idea to keep well braced, but not by one’s friends.

Every man you see standing in the lobby of a theatre is by no means an actor.

Oftentimes the sky-gazer passes right over a nickel and doesn’t see it.

Ever notice how a horse will sometimes nip at a mean man going by?

It is so much easier getting along when one keeps on the right side of the crowd.

Why is it that the tall man is more apt than the very short one to wear a tall hat?

Few men would offer their umbrellas to strange ladies if they didn’t expect to go with the umbrellas.

When you think all the people on the street are going one way it is because you are trying to go in the opposite direction.

If you have the right store on the wrong side of the street it is up to you to move the wrong side over to the right side, but leave the store where it is.

______

Horse Play

A horse stood by the city curb,

     And watched the crowds go by;

A mournful look was on his face,

     A teardrop in his eye.

“Why sad?” I queried, patting him

     Upon his tear-stained cheek;

He looked again upon the crowds,

     And then began to speak.

“See what they’re wearing on their heads?”

     In sadness queried he;

“When summer days are come again

     Think what my fate will be!”

______

Not So Sudden

She (stamping) – I know you; if I should die tomorrow you’d marry again.

He – Not tomorrow.

______

Too Good to Live

Beacon – Is Blinx an obliging fellow?

Hill – I should say he is; why, all through the play he wants to tell the people around him what the actors are going to do just before they do it.

______

A New Man Trap

Man is ever getting stuck on something or other, but to get stuck on a bath tub is the latest. A Winsted (Ct.) man on trying to arise from his bath tub found himself grimly fastened thereto, and had to call his wife to help him from his snug position. It seems that wifey had enamelled the tub that afternoon and and had forgotten to mention the fact to her husband, who went upstairs to take a bath preparatory to going out. On the surface it would seem that there was nothing but enamel, but underneath it all there is a bare possibility that the clever little woman spread a means of keeping hubby at home for at least one evening. If that was her idea she succeeded remarkably well, as it took four hours to remove the enamel from where it was placed. It is hoped this incident won’t tend to lessen the number of baths on the part of heads of households, but one could not blame them for approaching the idea with caution.

______

Hard to Recall

“You have noticed how steadily some fellows come and borrow their neighbors’ lawn mowers, haven’t you?”

“Yes,”

“You have never noticed one of them trying to borrow his neighbor’s lawn to mow it, have you?”

______

The Fan at Home

He saw a baseball, from home plate hit,

     Go smash through a large plate glass;

And he threw his hat, and howled himself hoarse,

     With the rest of the howling mass.

That night, when he reached his home, he found

     That his youngster had whacked a sphere

Through an attic pane, and the things he said

     And did can’t be related here.

____________

May 23, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Forty Years

Forty years of toil an’ strife,

Forty years of farmin’ life,

Forty years of ups an’ downs,

Forty years of thorns an’ crowns.

Forty years of happerness,

Mixed with sorrer more or less;

Thet hez come to me an’ mine,

Forty years of rain an’ shine.

Ain’t a-findin’ fault, not me;

Sech things ain’t to my idee.

Take things as they come along,

Mix a dirge up with a song;

Keep a clear hole in the sky

Fur the sunshine by an’ by.

Keep a kind word handy, too;

Feller allus needs a few.

Forty years of joy an’ pain,

Forty years of loss an’ gain;

Forty years of stiddy toil

In the never endin’ soil.

Forty years of strain an’ stress,

Forty years of some success.

Forty years a-down the track,

But I wouldn’t want ‘em back.

Ain’t complainin’, not a mite,

Ef I ain’t won all the fight;

I hev got a little share

Of the spoils; why should I care?

I hev got the farm – an’ her,

Best of all life’s presents, sir.

Forty years this blessed day,

Forty years, still on the way.

Forty more? Ah, more or less;

Each one crowned with happerness!

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“A smile kin move a thing that a cyclone can’t.”

______

Hoboed

“Just let me dine,” the hobo said,

     “An’ den will I saw wood;”

The country woman sat him out

     A dinner that was good.

“The saw,” quoth she, “is in the shed,”

     “Excuse me, mam,” said he,

“I’ll saw it as I go along,

     By sayin’ nothin’, see?”

______

Getting on in Life

(Hand-made Letters from a City-made Son to His Home-made Father.)

It was thoughtful of you to forward me two weeks’ board money. How in the world could you have told from your last letter that I wanted it? My, but your insight is a thing to be proud of, dad. They used to call me a chip of the old block, but when you do such bright things financially I question their judgment. There hasn’t any well-known firm here been fortunate enough to engage my services as yet, but some of them I think have hopes. You always told me to hang on like a dog to a root, and as long as there’s plenty of root you’ll hear of me as being a good hanger. Troubles never come singly. You know you said that once when the old horse got mired in the swamp and you broke your leg in trying to get him out. A few days ago I was standing in front of a variety theatre talking with one of the chorus ladies, whom I accidentally happened to know, when the pretty waiter – the one whom I have mentioned before – came along. She appeared a bit surprised, hesitated and was about to speak to me when said chorus lady giggled quite frivolously and said, “Fade away, Lizzie, I saw him first.” I attempted to speak to her and explain, but she tossed her head into the air and bounded up the street like an injured gazelle. If I had followed her the other one would have guyed me to a standstill, and there I was, stranded.

She has left the restaurant and I have been out to her house twice to see her and she wasn’t in. At least, she wasn’t “at home,” which is a guessing proposition, of course. I can see now what you meant when you used to say not to have too many strings to my bow. There’s danger of getting the arrow tangled, eh dad? I never used to think so much about those things you said as I have lately. I’ve got to make some good someway, on both propositions, or it’s the agricultural pastime for me.

______

Down Him

You’ve read about the smallest man,

     The meanest man as well;

There’s still another useless one

     Whose ardor we should quell.

The meanest man is naught compared

     With that two-legged mote

Who joins a part for a row,

And wildly rocks the boat.

______

Cheerful Comments

If you don’t want your insect powder to go to waste keep it away from the insects.

They’ve just erected a statue to Adam in Baltimore. Glad to know they’ve heard of Adam down that way.

There are various ways of toning up the system, but nobody has thought of doing it with a pitch pipe.

What’s the matter with the paragraph prevaricators? The long, cold spell didn’t bring out any oldest inhabitant stories,

It is hoped the professor who is going up 10 miles in a balloon to talk with Mars won’t get pelted with stones at the hands of the small boys up there.

It is said a Connecticut rooster was the means of wrecking a $10,000 automobile. This rooster has two splendid chances now, to either stay in the same business or go on the stage.

______

Not Real Heroes

There are men and men who will fish and fish,

    Nor hunger nor storm will ever suppress ‘em;

They’ll catch and catch just all that they wish,

    But hanged if they’ll ever turn and dress ‘em.

______

An Appeal

To the fellow who mixes the pink fountain drinks

  I humbly and truly contribute this ode;

When serving a soda you ought to, methinks,

  Give a little less fizz and a little more sode.

______

Hand in Hand

Business man – Young man, have you got a good deal of push?

Applicant – Well, sir, I might have if I had a little more pull.

____________

May 24, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

I’d Like to Know

(Contributed)

We’s read in the paper a plan

       Of talking with the stars,

That soon we may ether span

       Thus getting news from Mars.

And if in this we meet success

       In signaling that sphere,

I’d like to know, I must confess,

       Are things the same as here?

Do they up there have tariff rates

       That almost reach the sky,

And when revised, as in the States,

       They find them just as high?

Are their cities all graft free,

       And every contract made

So that each citizen can see

       Results from taxes paid?

Another thing that we would note,

       Has woman her right yet

Is she allowed to have a vote

       And called a Suffragette?

Do they wear hats so very queer

       That beat us out in style?

Oh, surely, what ours wear this year

       Should hold them for a while.

If trusts there are in that far globe

       Perhaps they’re always nice,

So that they never need a probe,

       And never raise a price.

I’ve other questions that must wait,

       Like these here given you,

Because we know that up to date,

       They’ve got no message through.

       Dorchester.                     H. E. F.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“The chief reason why the tater bug is such a success is becuz he keeps right at it.”

______

To the Brotherhood

One of the discouraging things about being a great author is the thought that long years after we are dead our works may be attributed to some one else. It is very doubtful if Shakespeare would have worked half so hard had he imagined for a moment how things would have turned out. It behooves us, and the word is used with reverence, to leave a brand on our herd that will not permit of posterity piracy, whatever that means.

______

Cheerful Comments

By all means raise the Maine and the doubt.

And it may be that the Red Sox nearly need changing.

It’s an east wind that doesn’t blow many people down to the beaches.

The difference between Noah and T.R. is that Noah “took ‘em alive.”

Of course it was a humorist who put the “For Rent” sign on the new Kiosk.

Razor doesn’t rhyme with shaver, but not raising the taxes on one tickled the other.

The joy riders have nothing on the joy walkers heading down a shady lane on a Sunday afternoon.

Fifty-four million dollars in new shops and mills for New England. Don’t you hear the distant number of 1915 boom?

The average man, when he has arrived at the age where the girls no longer look at him, feels that he hasn’t much to live for,

______

Realms of the Unseen

“I suppose nearly everything you see inspires you to write,” cooed the young lady with literary aspirations.

“The things I don’t see, miss, inspire me more,” sighed the poet with the far-off look.

“What, for instance?”

“A short steak, for instance.”

______

Fruitful

“Fine feathers make fine birds,”

     I’ve heard old people say;

I wonder if the words

     Would be as pat today.

Not quite so pat, I trow,

     As in the days of yore;

They don’t wear feathers now,

     But stacks of fruit galore.

____________

May 25, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Our Ideal Life

These outside squabbles don’t concern

     Matildy Ann nor me;

The tariff marked way up or down,

     We’re happy as can be.

We’ve plugged along through rain and shine,

     Had all our hearts could wish;

Matildy she makes butter some,

     An’ I, I farm an’ fish.

We’d like to see the world, of course,

     An’ know more’n what we do;

An’ yit, when all is said an’ done,

     We know a thing or two.

We know ol’ Mars don’t worry us,

     Japan gives us no alarm;

Matildy she makes butter some,

     An’ I, I fish an’ farm.

Matildy’s willin’ I should vote,

     I let her run the house;

The days an’ years, they come an’ go

     As peaceful as a mouse.

Our wrinkles come from smiles, not frowns,

     Fur fame we hev no wish;

Matildy she makes butter some,

I farm a bit an’ fish.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Big thoughts may come to you while you are lyin’ abed in the mornin’. but big results won’t come onless you jump out an’ hustle for ‘em.”

______

The Query Box

Musical – Why is light opera? Because heavier than air opera doesn’t rise.

Annoyed – If I am riding on an open car and on the seat ahead of me is a girl with a veil, the long ends of which fly in my face and tickle my nose, causing me to sneeze and thereby break my glasses, have I any redress? Sure; marry the girl.

______

Da Beega Seegar

Da ‘Merican drummer ees nice,

     He playnta good mona to spand;

He come in my shop for da shave,

     An’ calla me hees gooda frand.

He taka my order for soap,

     An’ geeva me beega seegar;

He sanda me goods by da freight,

     W’at you calla da railaway car.

I lika hees goods alla right,

     For talka he essa beeg star;

But O, how I feela w’en light

     For smoka hees bigga seegar!

Eets like w’at you calla da punk,

     Eet smella just lika da tar;

An’ O, such a heada I feel

     When I smoka hees beega seegar!

______

The Problem

“What are you scowling at, old boy, somebody robbed you?”

“No; if that was all, I wouldn’t mind.”

“Well, well, what is your trouble?”

“I don’t know whether to go to Norumbega or Revere.”

______

His Answer

(A Near Sonnet, by the Janitor,)

Quoth the raven at his door:

“Have you read fair Elinor?

     Have you read her spicy books,

     Sought by furnace men and cooks,

     Recommended by the rooks?”

And he answered: “Once before,”

To the raven at his door;

“Once before, but nevermore.

     If my library is chill

     I will run the furnace till

     It is hot enough to kill;

But to read fair Elinor,

As I did in days of yore,

Nay, nay, raven, nevermore.”

______

Deeper

Young Man (sighing) – Well, it’s time to go.

Gertrude (yawning) – You said that an hour ago.

Young Man – Well, then, it’s nearly time to go.

______

An Honest Critic

Beacon – It’s mighty hard to write one of the “six best sellers.”

Hill – Nearly as hard to read some of them.

______

Our Birds

Fie on top-notchers at the start,

  Success is best by slow degree;

The Doves, who are at the bottom now,

  Have got a chance to work up, see?

____________

May 26, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Hit That Failed

He dashed off a poem in red-hot haste,

     And his eyes they gleamed a glare;

And his blood ran warm through his half-starved form,

     As he tossed his shock of hair.

And he laughed, “ha ha!” And he laughed, “ho ho!”

     And he hugged himself in glee;

And he cried, “at last, by the great horn blast,

     I have made a hit!” cried he.

“I don’t know what a line of it means,

     But it’s got the snap and go;

It has got the pike the magazines like,

     And I know it stands a show.”

And he laughed, “ha ha!” And he laughed, “ho ho!”

     And they bought it right away;

But the grass did wave o’er his lonely grave,

     Ere they got around to pay.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Ef the biggest fish didn’t git away we wouldn’t hev the pleasure uv goin’ arter him a secunt time.”

______

Why So Shy?

Is it because

     There is great danger

For any dip-

     Plomatic stranger,

Or just because

     Times here are “legging,”

That jobs across

     The pond go begging?

______

Cheerful Comments

The Mongolian now knows the results of butting in.

Abdul Hamid won’t even be a near-sick man now that he left his 300 cooks behind.

Don’t be a lemon; if you want to be anything in that line be a lemon aid.

Delaware expects to have a $75,000 strawberry crop. Peach information later.

Even if the Doves are tail-enders, the tail end of a dove is most always attractive.

How sour the man looks who has declared he won’t touch strawberries till natives arrive.

Even if they had the lid on at Coney Island Sunday pretty nearly everybody talked through it.

Of course, you should have understood at the start that some of the so-called gamboling lambs were nothing more or less than old sheep.

With Floretta Vining on the one hand and Elinor Glyn on the other, mere American man isn’t so much as his new panama and white vest would lead you to believe.

You may laugh at the man who builds castles in the air, but he is getting out of it cheaper than you are, if you are doing anything in the line of building yourself a summer residence.

______

A Love Song

(Rebuilt)

The rose is red,

     The violet blue;

Love looks well fed,

     And so do you.

The lily’s white,

     And costly, too;

Love is a sight,

     And so are you.

The rose is red,

     But I am blue;

Come, let us wed,

     And change my hue.

______

Street Primer

Come to the window, Little One, and see the Hobo go by. Take your time.

You can tell by the Whiskers on his face and by the toes of his shoes Which way he is going. The Hobo is a Creditor; the world owed him a Living. The dictionary says the Hobo is “an idle, itinerant workman.” The dictionary is not quite right. The Hobo is not an Idle workman. He is working somebody all the time; he works for his living and gets it. The Hobo is a wayside flower; he blossoms in the spring and remains in full bloom until Jack Frost pinches his pretty pink Toes.

Hoboing is an Art. The most successful Hoboes are Born and not Made, although a fair kind of a Hobo can be made without much trouble. The Hobo likes to lead the Simple Life and live close to Nature. Many of him have Nature spread all over his Countenance. He is a philosopher; he takes things as they come, and if they don’t come he goes after them when it is dark enough. Don’t confound Hobo with Tramp, Little One; there is just as much difference between the Hobo and the Tramp as there is between the Mafia and the Black Hook.

(P.S. – There are more Hoboes in thought than you would ever think, and there would be more in Reality if people weren’t too Busy to give much time to Thought.)

______

Farm Note

Authors who have extensive farming interests are the most successful literary men in the country. – Atlanta Constitution. It takes a mighty successful literary man to be an extensive farmer, but if you are a successful prize fighter you can be both.

____________

May 27, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Good Old Melodram’

I’m sick of moving picture shows and vaud’ville weak and light,

For joke and jest and all the rest I have no appetite;

The sleight-of-hand, or high trapeze, the tumblers by the score,

The song and dance, the clownish prance, I want to see no more.

Light opera I now taboo, and comedy the same,

The singing stunts I worshipped once I now think rather tame;

There’s only one show now for me, the rest are froth and sham:

I want tonight, with rant and fight, the good old melodram’.

Ah! Give me sword and wooden gun, and plot and counter plot;

The stress and strife, the flashing knife, and battles waxing hot.

I want to hear the villain’s laugh, and see heroic strides,

And hear him rant because he can’t discover “where she hides.”

Ah! Give me blood, and prison scenes, and “agony of woe,”

The hero’s “hold!” the villain “cold”, the fiddle’s tremolo.

Tonight no vaud’ville for me, or moving picture sham,

But one good show of long ago, a good old melodram’.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“It allus seems foolish to look fur a needle in a haystack, but sometimes in doin’ it a feller hez run acrost a nest full uv hen’s aigs.”

______

The New Way

The chauffeur is the only man,

          Here let his praise be sung;

When running down a friend or foe,

          Will never use his tongue.

______

Signs of Summer Days

When the bull frogs down in the green meadows

     Are outsung by the mowing machine,

Then, my friends, you will know it is summer,

     And you cannot until then, I ween.

When the freckled boy wants to go swimming,

     Each day, times fully sixteen,

Then you know right well it is summer –

     Bless the boy and the mowing machine.

______

An Alarming Situation

Brown broke his clock to stop its ring,

     When day began to peep;

And now each morn he is alarmed

     That he will oversleep.

______

Cheerful Comments

Have you looked closely to see if you can find the bathing suit?

We can all take a lesson from the early garden seed, and try, try again.

May came in like a lion. She’s been acting like a pack of lions ever since, and promises to go out representing the whole menagerie.

Not that we desire to hurry the men who make the weather, but that new kiosk looks too much like a small summer hotel for rent.

If you are afraid to keep a cow on account of infected milk, how do you know you are going to improve matters any by keeping a goat?

In the large cities the acre shopping place is merely a department store; out in the suburbs the 6 x 9 hole in the wall is an emporium.

In the old days the city teacher came to the country and boarded round. Now the country pupil goes to the city and boards round.

______

A Meaty Problem

“What makes you think he’s an anti-vegetarian?”

“Well, he wants to marry the butcher’s daughter.

____________

May 28, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Speckled Angling

He was a dashing city chap,

     And hungered for an outing;

And though the season it was late,

     Decided to go trouting.

He fished all day without success,

     At eventide, quite mute he,

Called at a farmhouse for a meal,

     But had no speckled beauty.

He met thereat a country maid,

     A winsome, freckled creature,

With roguish eyes and auburn hair,

     Of charming form and feature.

He went again, and yet again,

     ‘Twixt love and fish and duty;

But ere the fishing season closed

     He caught a speckled beauty.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“A hoss trader is the most cheerful man in the world. Sometimes he drives a bad bargain, but it is on’y a little while afore somebuddy else is drivin’ uv it.”

______

The Yellow Peril

No more he hates the dandelion,

        In fact, he thinks it fine;

Last year his wife pulled forty pecks,

        And stewed them into wine.

______

A Colossal Failure

He knows a lot of science,

     Of business knows more;

Can keep his income growing,

     But not a baseball score.

He’s great in use of English,

     In grammar he is grand;

But modern baseball language

     He doesn’t understand.

He takes a card and pencil,

     And tries his best, and yet

Inquires, when it is over,

     “How many runs’d we get?”

He’s great in mathematics,

     Can manage well his store;

Can keep his books correctly,

     But not a baseball score.

______

Fruit, Flower and Vegetable Quarrel

She – I’ve got a date tonight.

He – I don’t care a fig.

She – But he thinks I am a peach.

He -He never saw you out of the basket; prune would come nearer.

She – I wouldn’t be a lemon!

He – My, but you’re full of ginger.

She – You mau carrot too far.

He – Lettuce make up.

She – If you’ll forget-me-not.

He – All right, Sweet Alyssum!

______

May Be He Knows

Boy – What is the “race problem,” pa?

Pa – It’s – er – to know which horse is a sure thing.

______

Why, Yes

“There’s one man who ought never have any other troubles.”

“And that is –”

“The umpire.”

______

Something More Is Needed

“Plots for recovering buried treasure are constantly being unearthed.”

“Plots, yes.”

____________

May 29, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

Why He Failed

 “The early bird he gits the worm,”

     My father said to me;

I didn’t understand the term,

     I was too young, you see.

“There’s nothing succeeds like success,”

     My father said to me;

I didn’t catch his drift, I guess,

     I was so young, you see.

 “Faint heart ne’er won fair lady yet,”

     My sweetheart said to me;

The sense of it I didn’t get,

     I was too young, you see.

“I’ll be a sister to you, dear,”

     Another said to me;

I didn’t understand, I fear,

     I was so young, you see,

 “It never is too late to learn,”

     My teacher said to me;

I didn’t grasp the useful turn,

     I was too dull, you see.

“Strike while the iron is hot, young man,”

     My boss he said to me;

But I wound up where I began –

     I was a fool, you see.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“Ef you are between the evil one an’ the deep sea, you’d better climb the nearest tellygraft pole an’ send fur the minister.”

______

The Texas Jag Bean

A bean has been discovered in Texas six of which if eaten will produce intoxication. If this report is true, and there is no reason to doubt it since it came through the medium of the press, then the long looked for reclaiming of the soil may be expected to begin at once. The individual who has long hesitated between entering a business career and the more independent one of agriculture has at last a tangible excuse for laying down the pen and taking up the hoe. Think of it! Every man his own grower, brewer and consumer. Of course, there is a danger that the first year’s crop may be eaten up, but if the seed of this wonderful bean can be procured for general use there is no good reason why the summer boarder business in the rural communities shouldn’t increase. There, too, should be an audible boom in suburban real estate. There will be an enlargement of the backdoor gardens, and a possible increase in the “all the year round,” under the glass gardening. What matters it now if every state in the Union goes dry? Uncle Samuel may lose some revenue, but he can stand it; he has other ways of picking up a living. It may be that the Texas bean, as a saloon smasher, will make Carrie Nation look like a summer resort after the boarders are gone.

______

Hen Philosophy Scoffed at

Evidently the Gothamite who contributed the appended verses entitled “Bosh,” in answer to some published in this column recently under the title of “Scratch,” is at variance with Jocosity’s philosophy of the hen. Here is an extract from the philosophy to which he takes exception:

“We’ve got to scratch an’ scratch away,

      The hen’s a good example;

‘Twill drown the sorrows of the day,

      An’ bring a living ample.”

Bosh!

That hen may scratch from morn till night,

      May even call an extra session;

But still for all her zealous might

She’s on a rock and helpless quite

      When scratching during a “depression.”

Philosophy is mighty fine,

      Just as this would end a “mellow”;

But it doesn’t give a proper line

On where there is a chance to dine,

      But’s soothing to the other fellow.

ENGELBERT BRIDGEMAN   

                        New York city

______

Cheerful Comments

By keeping cool yourself you won’t notice so much about the price of ice.

Backbiting should be left to insects, and even then we are bound to think it contemptable.

Aeronautic advice: If you don’t at first succeed, fly, fly again.

Skyscrapers out to be constructed that they can be made to dodge erratic sky sailers.

A rose by any other name may be just as sweet, but probably not so high in price.

Being at the bottom of the baseball column really attracts more attention than if we were only half-way up.

Times are nothing like they used to be. You tell a man nowadays that you have a headache in the morning, and he’ll say, “Aha – a?” in a very nasty way.

____________

May 30, ‘09

JOCOSITIES

____

By JOE CONE

The Good Old Boys In Blue

Ah, see them marching down the street

     With slow and painful tread;

Once more to hold communion sweet

     O’er graves of honored dead.

Once more beneath the flashing stars,

     And folds of magic hue;

Once more beneath the crimson bars,

     Our good old boys in blue.

Give me the boys in blue,

The good old boys in blue;

They’re bent and gray,

And few today,

But hearts beat just as true.

Cheer loud and long today,

Praise them in song today;

     Let honor fall

     Upon them all,

The good old boys in blue.

May time deal gently with their ranks,

     Their most persistent foe;

May they receive a nation’s thanks,

     Small part of what we owe.

Strew roses for their aching feet,

     Join with the drum’s tattoo;

Give them a welcome down the street,

     The good old boys in blue.

Give me the boys in blue,

The dear old boys in blue;

     As side by side

     With old-time pride

They pass in slow review.

Cheer long and long today,

Praise them in song today;

     Let honor fall

     Upon them all,

The good old boys in blue.

______

Uncle Ezra Says:

“It beats all how hard some folks will work to git rid uv a little labor.”

______

Getting on in Life

(Hand-made Letters from a City-made Son to His Home-made Father.)

Am pleased to inform you that I am in commission once more. I connected yesterday morning in a large office building, and while I am a long way from being head of the firm, still I have a rising position. I am a chauffeur, dad; chauffer of a car. I am what is known in this business as an elevator chauffeur. It is not exactly what I hoped to land when I made my debut, but it is a whole lot better than doing a funeral Marathon up and down the town, and, as I said before, it is a rising position. Like lots of jobs, of more or less salary, it has its ups and downs, though I think mine come oftener than they do in most cases. I’m on the go most of the time. If anybody up home should ask you what I am doing, just say I am a chauffeur – pronounced “sho-fewer” here by the best of authorities, with accent on the “fewer” by the many, I believe. You needn’t say chauffer of what. A chauffeur, dad, is a driver of anything. Even you, way up there, are a chauffeur – a chauffeur of the cows. If anybody should ask you why I don’t drive up there, tell them business is too driving here, and that my car isn’t one of the long-distance variety.

I have made up with Gladinette – that’s her name, dad. I discovered it by accident. Met her on the street, and in pulling a bundle from under her arm I found her address on it. I wasn’t but a few minutes squaring myself with her over the chorus lady incident of which I wrote you. A box of chocolates helped out my argument. When I told her I was a chauffeur, what do you suppose she said, dad? “Oh, won’t it be delightful, Morton, you can come round often when your boss is away and take me out automobiling!” and she grinned like she was already in the lim’. Isn’t that just like a girl, dad? But you, of course, don’t know girls as I do, and so are no judge. But you can appreciate the fix I am in. As soon as I can get a line on something else I shall chuck the chauffeur job. How look the crops? Yours affectionately                                                           ______

______

The G. A. R.

Go where you will and do what you may,

     It matters not where you are,

Just let a warm cheer go up today

     For the honored G. A. R.

Send flowers to the living, when you may,

     And be loved as good souls are;

But don’t forget the little bouquet

     For the sleeping G.A.R.

______

Cheerful Comments

Paul Potter’s play petered perceptibly.

Last call for the straw hat today.

Hush money sometimes makes a loud noise before it is paid.

For advertising space in the new kiosk apply to the weather man.

Rather hard on the family man who has no child of the proper circus age.

The wheat cake fiend in the local restaurants is looking at Chicago with troubled eyes.

Indoor amusements are pretty nearly all in, while open air pleasures are opening daily.

Life is not all roses; when it is a good day to mow the lawn it is also an excellent day to see the ball game.

______

The Right Temperament

“Why does Daubley keep painting and painting away? He hasn’t sold a picture in a dog’s age.”

“Well, he’s working so that when he does begin to sell he won’t have to do anything more as long as he lives.”

______

Simplified Gunning

T. R. skulkd thru the jungl deep,

     Intent 2 bag a gnu;

100 other beasts cum 4^th,

     And tried 2 get in vu.

“Be off!” he cried, “I wil not shoot

     At any 1 of yu”;

Yu cannot ful T. R., yu bet,

     We nu he nu a gnu.

______

Words of a Modern Martyr

“Any word from the seat of war this morning?”

“Yes; the tariff bill jumped up before its executioners and declared it would rather be a live monstrosity than a dead issue.”

______

Sky Bugaboos

England must have et some pie,

      Serves her ‘zactly right;

Cuz she’s sorter worried by

      Seein’ things at night.

____________

May 31, ‘09