A One-Price Heifer

Yew wanter buy that heifer, Zeb? I don’t believe yew can;

I wouldn’t sell that heifer sir, to any living man.

No sir, if yew should come an’ lay a fifty in my hand

I’d go an’ shet the stable door, an’ let the heifer stand.

I’d let her stand right where she is till she wuz ol’ an’ gray,

Afore I’d sell one side uv her, thet’s all I’ve got to say.

Of course, I’ve got a lot uv stock, more stock ‘en what I need,

An’ I am short o’ stable room, an’ some’at short o’ feed.

But ez fur sellin’ of thet beast, I wouldn’t, no sir-ee,

Let forty dollars come between thet heifer, sir, an’ me.

I am a one-price critter, Zeb, no man can beat me down;

She’s wuth a heap more’n forty, Zeb, ask any man in town.

Hi Hanker wants her purty bad, an’ so does Deacon Hale,

But ez I said afore, of course, the heifer ain’t for sale.

She’s gentle, an’ she’s good an’ kind, an’ slicker than an eel,

A child could milk her anytime, she’d never raise a heel.

She never hooks nor jumps the fence, nor never runs away,

An’ come into the yard at night ez reg’lar ez the day.

You’d orter see the milk she gives, it’s yeller, rich an’ sweet,

An’ ez fur quantity my friend, thet heifer can’t be beat.

They’s junks uv butter floatin’ round inside the milkin’ pail,

An’ speekin’ of her butter, Zeb, but then, she ain’t for sale.

Yew say ye’r bound to hev her? S’pose yew want her purty bad?

The slickest gol durn heifer thet a farmer ever had!

Wuth thirty dollars ez she stands, an’ not a dollar less;

For I’m a one-price critter, Zeb, yew’ll find thet out, I guess.

Wuth thirty dollars ez she stands, I tell yew what I’ll dew,

I’ll swap her off for twenty five – twixt me an’ her an’ yew.

Jest twenty-five, no more nor less, for I’m a one-price man,

An’ if you want to swap her back, why durn it, Zeb, yew can.

April 24, 1900