Ballad of Gabe Perkin’s Famous Shootin’ Match

              First Verse

“It ain’t no use to try an’ try

     To make right out uv wrong;

It ain’t no use to shut one eye

     An’ try to sail along.

The longest road hez got a turn,

     The longest day must end;

An’ folks some way are go’nter learn

     Who’s enemy or friend.”

                I

We never had no big event, so nigh up to the scratch,

Ez what Gabe Perkins held las’ year, “A Turkey Shootin’ Match”!

The “Advercate”, fur two hull weeks, jest advertised it strong

So ev’rybody in the town knew it would come along.

‘Twuz advertised Thanksgivin’ day, at nine o’clock, an’ all

The shooters in the town wuz present, big an’ small;

They come from near an’ fur, with all the firearms they could snatch,

An’ it jest looked like bizniz there at Gabe’s big shootin’ match.

                                   II

He hed a hundred turkeys in a pen close by the stand,

An’ how them fellers strutted back an’ forth with manners grand!

They gobbled out defiance jest the same ez if to say

No one wuz goin’ to hit the mark on that Thanksgiving day.

The shooters looked ‘em over with the airs uv connoisseurs,

An’ loaded up their muskets like they hedn’t done in years.

The looks uv calm assurance thet wuz on the hull durn’ batch

Hed ruther gloomy bearin’s on ol’ Gabr’el’s shootin’ match.

                                   III

‘Twuz fifty cents fur shootin’ at the mark, way down the lot;

The ring you had to pepper with a dozen uv your shot.

An’ if you got a dozen in you then could take your pick

Uv all the monstrous gobbler bunch so ruffed up an’ thick.

Three shots apiece each man could hev, an’ ef he failed to win,

The next time round fur forty cents he’d let you try ag’in.

The distance looked tremenjus frum the mark down to the line,

But no one questioned Gabr’el, so they started sharp at nine.

                                 IV

The fust man blazed away three times, an’ on’y one shot struck,

An’ he wuz counted in the town ez ruther “muck-a-muck”;

The next man shot an’ Gabe yelled out, “You on’y got in two!”

An’ when the third man failed they see thet somethin’ wuz askew.

They let a dozen blaze away, but no one reached the pitch,

Meanwhiile ol’ Gabe wuz chuck’lin’ soft at thoughts uv gittin’ rich.

An’ while they talked in undertones, an’ threatened this an’ that

Jed Martin slyly paced the course to find where he wuz at.

                                   V

He found that Gabe hed measured off a good big rod or more

That what he’d advertised, or what they’d ever shot afore.

Each man had shot an’ paid his cash, an’ Gabe hed stowed away

More’n twenty dollars with no loss uv turkeys yit that day.

The crowd wuz gittin’ up in arms, when Jed, who warn’t gay,

Jest kicked a slat frum off the pen, an’ caus’ly stepped away.

Bimeby Gabe saw ‘em comin’ out an’ with a yell he run

To drive ‘em in the pen ag’in, an’ then the fun begun.

                                   VI

While he wuz chasin’ here an’ there Jed yanked the target out

An’ put it three yards nearer home, then quickly turned about

To help ol’ Gabe round up his flock, an’ when they all wuz in

He give him jest a little nip to calm his nerves ag’in.

The fust man then lined up ag’in an’ quickly blazed away.

Nine shot he planked inside the ring, an’ ten the next; an’ say!

You’d orter seen Gabe’s eyes stick out when number two let go

An’ plugged the ring with twenty shot! O, Gabe wuz filled with woe!

                                  VII

Jed Martin he wuz right on hand with medicine an’ cheer,

Which cleared Gabe’s throat but dimmed his sight, which wasn’t none too clear.

The next man up he got a bird, the next one done the same,

An’ when they’d got a bird apiece Gabe tried to stop the game.

They wouldn’t hev no deal like that; Jed said it wuzn’t strange

They missed at fust, the second time they kinder got the range,

An’ ef he run a shootin’ match he’d got to stan’ his ground,

An’ finally he give consent to one more shoot around.

                                   VIII

Gabe couldn’t see the shortened course, cuz Jed too keer uv that,

An’ them sharp shootin’ Gungy boys jest hed the range down pat;

The way they cleaned them turkeys out wuz jest a sight to see,

An’ ev’ryone but Gabriel wuz loaded full uv glee.

Each shooter hed two birds apiece, Gabe said, “he wouldn’t care

But s’posed when it was over with he’d hev some birds to spare”,

But they hed cleaned him high an’ dry, Jed Martin spoke up then:

“Ef you want turkey, Gabe, to eat, you’d better kill a hen!”

                Last Verse

“I’ve tried my best all through my life

     To keep frum sin an’ wrong;

Yet somehow it hez be’n a strife,

     I kennot get along.

I love my neighbors ez myself,

     An’ try to do ‘em good;

Alas! I’m allus on the shelf,

     I’m never understood.

                        Gabe Perkin’s Complaint

Nov. 12, ‘09