My First Speech

I studied thet thar speech uv mine fur more’n a dozen years;

I practiced it behin’ the barn away frum cur’us ears;

I preached it in the tater patch ter snakes an’ hoppy tuds,

An’ tew the punkin vines in fall, an’ Spring tew sprouts an’ buds.

Each time I grew more elerquent, ‘ith orrertory style,

An’ yeou could her my stronger part fer purty nigh a mile;

An’ ‘ith them gesters I put in I knew ‘twould be a hit

If I could git the ol’ town hall, an’ folks tew come tew it.

An’ I would set upon the fence an’ ‘magine I wus there,

An’ pictur’ tew my min’ jes’ how the croud ‘ud set an’ stare

Tew hear me roll the langige out, an’ see me gesterlate,

An’ see me prance acrost the stage a reg’lar Baptis’ gait!

W’y I could her a million feet a stormin’ in applause,

An’ see the hall a-dancin’ ‘ith bright linen, silk an’ gauze;

An’ I could hear the multitood, O the low, the high, bon-ton,

Jump tew its feet an’ shout ‘ith joy “go on, go on, go on!”

An’ ‘en I pitched my voice so low I heard the’r watches tick,

An’ w’en I teched a tender strain the mist rose damp n’ thick;

An’ ‘en I brightened up ergen, an’ dried out all their eyes,

An’ bore ‘em on the wings uv speech fur intew parrerdise.

An’ so it went on day by day, I sorter lived in hope

Thet someone in the town ‘ud see my orrertory scope;

An’ w’en they come fer me one night ter give thet speech uv mine,

Josh Billin’s failin’ tew appear, I seed my future shine.

The hall wuz packed frum floor ter roof ‘ith ev’ry size n’ age,

An’ thunders uv applause rung out w’en I looked on the stage;

But in my stummick thar arose a feelin’ uv remorse,

An’ all the lights an’ furnnertur’ begun to rant an’ toss;

My thrut wuz full uv lobster pots an’ ager shuk my knees,

An’ ev’ry drop uv blood I hed begun ter clog an’ freeze;

An’ w’en at las’ my ghostly voice the awful stillness broke,

I slunk intew the dressing room, an’ thet wuz how I spoke!

Feb. 24, ‘94

Pub. in Boston Courier,

Sept. 23,1894