Abe Matrin’s Rommertiz

Abe Martin hed the roomertiz

     An’ hed it purty bad.

He couldn’t git to Stokes’s store,

     Which made him ruther sad.

In fact he couldn’t step his foot

     Upon the bedroom floor;

An’ so, uv course, he missed his trips

     Each night to Stokes’s store.

The setters sympathized with Abe,

     An' missed him ev’ry night.

An’ so they ‘lowed to call on him

     Would be no more than right.

An’ so Bige Miller started out

     To visit him, an’ his;

An’ also took a remedy

     To help his roomertiz.

“It’s helped me ev’ry time,” says Bige

     An’ so Abe tried it out;

But still his roomertiz got wuss,

     An’ fetched along the gout.

Hank Stubbs come in to make a call

     An’ fetched a certain cure;

“Jest put it on,” says he to Abe,

     “‘Twill help you sartin sure.”

Abe tried it faithfully an’ long,

     Alas! He didn’t gain;

In fact the on’y thing it done

     Wuz to increase his pain.

Hen Billin’s wuz the next to call,

     He hed a wondrous cure;

Abe ‘lowed he’d hed ‘bout all the cures

     Thet he could well endure.

Hen begged an’ plead an’ guaranteed

     ‘Twould put him on his feet;

An’ so Abe tried his remedy

     With feelin’ fur frum sweet,

An' all the time Abe seemed to grow

     Much wuss, ef thet could be;

An’ still he tried, agin’ his will,

     Each neighbor’s remedy.

Gabe Perkins wuz the last to come,

     He hed a cure ‘twuz grand;

Abe’s blood wuz up, tho’ he wuz weak,

     An’ couldn’t raise his hand.

Gabe pulled a long slim bottle out,

     An’ started fur the bed.

Abe Martin’s eyes they wuz ablaze,

     An’ he raised up his head.

He thought uv all the things’ he’d tried,

     An’ give one mighty roar;

An’ out thet four-post bed he come

     An’ landed on the floor.

He drove ol’ Gabe frum out the room;

     An’ laffed the “cures” to scorn;

An’ when he’d calmed himself agin

     His roomertiz wuz gone!

Dec. 1, 1912