Ballad of Deacon Shelby’s Non-Church-Going Hoss

                                               by Joe Cone                        

 I’d trust a man with all my dash

     With house an’ barn an’ lands,

I’d put my name, my hard earnt fame

     Right in his horny hands

But when it comes to swappin’ nags

     I wouldn’t trust, not me,

The best ol’ pelt who ever helt

     A hoss whip, no sir-ee.

                             Gungawamp Jockey Legend

Abe Crocket he went off to town an’ bought a brand new nag

An’ fetched him home all dressed to kill in blanket, strap an’ tag;

His forelock was all braided nice, his tail combed sleek and trim,

An’ Abe he had a knowin’ grin unusual for him.

He drove down to Jone’s store next day to get his mail,

An’ ev’ry feller looked him o’er frum nostrils down to tail.

An’ when Abe ast ‘em what they thought, Bill Jones an’ Uncle Ross,

They said he looked all right, an’ guessed he warn’t no common hoss.

“No common hoss? I guess he ain’t.” said Abe behind a grin,

“Ef you don’t think this hoss kin go you’d better git right in.”

But no one ‘peared to doubt his word, an’ Abe whipped up once more,

An’ left a cloud o’dust behind that filled up Jones’s store.

An’ for a week Abe Crocket’s hoss was talked all through the town,

Till ev’ry buddy wished to swap from Parson Barlow down.

An’ when Abe found the biggest trade he said, “Yaas”, very slow,

An’ finally exposed his heart an’ let his bargain go.

Good Deacon Shelby was the one to git the wondrous prize,

An’ he drove home with gratitude an’ joy in both his eyes;

He’d swapped his hoss, a fairish cow, and paid a sum to boot,

An’ told his wife Abe Crockett was an ignerunt galoot.

Next day was Sunday, and the “Deke” hitched up his brand new steed

To drive his family off to church, a happy man indeed;

He didn’t ‘low more’n ha’f the time he’d ‘lowed the week afore,

His new hoss wuz ez fast ag’in, if not a little more.

They passed Abe Crockett on the way an’ left him in a cloud

Uv dust, but Abe jest said, “gid up”, an’ grinned unusual loud;

“Tain’t allus them who go so fast that sometimes get there fust,”

Said he, a coughin’ in the midst of Deacon Shelby’s dust;

“This hoss I’ve got ain’t nigh so fast but I am sure that he

Will git to church if time holds out, an’ patience, yes sir-ee.”

An’ by an’ by Abe overtook the Deacon on the way,

Stock still, the horse braced back for fair, the Deacon in dismay.

“Look here, Abe Crockett,” yelled the “Deke”, in accents loud an’ cross,

“What do you mean a-swappin’ me a durned ol’ balky hoss?

He won’t go ‘head, he won’t go back, he won’t go either way,

An’ here I’ve started out for church, an’ here I’ve got to stay!”

“Dunno,” said Abe, a-pullin’ up, “seems balky ez kin be,

Don’t he? It’s mighty funny, ‘Deke’, he never balked with me.”

An’ Abe he tried to make him start, but pounded all in vain;

He just stood still until the folks wuz commin’ home again.

When folks wuz comin’ from the church the hoss jest turned around,

An’ dug right in an’ made his feet jest hooper o’er the ground;

He never stopped until he’d got inside the Deacon’s gate,

An’ ev’ryone wuz scart to death he’d gone at such a rate.

“Oho!” said Abe, “I see the p’int, I didn’t know, I van,

The chap I bought him off, he warn’t a church attendin’ man.

Lay low, friend Shelby, mum’s the word, din’t be left in the lurch;

Jest swap him off to someone here who never goes to church!”

There’s lots of men app through the world

     Who wouldn’t tell a lie;

Who wouldn’t steal a bag of meal,

     Nor take a drop o’ rye.

But when it comes to swappin’ nags

     To palmin’ off a skate,

They’ll shet their eyes to paradise,

     An’ take a chance with fate.

May 23, ‘09